transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Kayak gets my flight, hotel, and rental car right, so I can tune out travel advice that's just plain wrong.

Speaker 2:
[00:07] Bro, Skycoin, way better than points.

Speaker 3:
[00:10] Never fly during a Scorpio full moon.

Speaker 4:
[00:13] Just tell the manager you'll sue. Instant room upgrade.

Speaker 1:
[00:17] Stop taking bad travel advice. Start comparing hundreds of sites with Kayak, and get your trip right.

Speaker 4:
[00:23] Bad advice? You talking to me?

Speaker 1:
[00:25] Kayak, got that right.

Speaker 4:
[00:29] So, you're saying with Hilton Honors, I can use points for a free night stay anywhere?

Speaker 1:
[00:34] Anywhere.

Speaker 4:
[00:35] What about fancy places like the Canopy in Paris?

Speaker 1:
[00:38] Yeah, Hilton Honors, baby.

Speaker 4:
[00:40] Or relaxing sanctuaries like the Conrad in Touloume?

Speaker 5:
[00:43] Hilton Honors, baby.

Speaker 4:
[00:45] What about the five-star Waldorf Astoria in the Maldives? Are you going to do this for all 9,000 properties?

Speaker 2:
[00:52] When you want points that can take you anywhere, anytime, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for this day. Book your spring break now.

Speaker 5:
[00:59] Every single person who's ever told you that you're not enough or you're too much was just telling you about their capacity, baby, not yours. You were never too much. You were just around people who didn't have enough room for you. And now you're walking around like their opinion lives in your body like it's yours. It wasn't and it never fucking was.

Speaker 6:
[01:16] Hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 5:
[01:18] Welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show.

Speaker 3:
[01:20] The 200th episode to be exact, you guys.

Speaker 5:
[01:24] I am your host Sabrina Zohar and welcome to the show. You guys, this is a really special episode, the 200th to be exact. I am so fucking excited. I thought a lot about what this one should be and I kept coming back to the question I get asked more than anything, more than attachment, more than dating, more than breakups. How do I actually believe I'm enough? How do I stop feeling like I'm the problem and how the fuck do I trust myself? So today, we're talking about where insecurity actually comes from, why just have more confidence is total bullshit advice, and what the research says about building self-worth that doesn't collapse every single fucking time someone rejects you. There was a tool of the week at the end, you betcha baby. Please stick around guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend. It really is the only way that we can truly grow the community. The book is on presale. Why am I like this? Available on Amazon.

Speaker 3:
[02:15] Guys, I'm so excited.

Speaker 5:
[02:17] I couldn't be more grateful and honored. If there's a photo, yay, we have the cover by now and if not, don't worry, the cover will be there soon. So please pre-order, save a screenshot. You guys are going to get a free course as a thank you, but this is the only way to grow the book, to grow the community and I am again, I'm learning to ask for what I need from you guys. All I ask back is just be here. Please, please engage in the community, be part of this and be the change you wish to see, right? As cheesy as that fucking sounds. But I'm just so grateful for you guys. I can't believe that we have done 200 of these and I can't wait to see what 200 more look like. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? And guys, I always forget to say, if you want ad free, feel free. The ads are one of my favorite parts of the show because they're all brands that I get to actually use and engage with and only give you guys things that I think would make sense. And if you guys want ad free, feel free. You could work one-on-one, join the course. We got the foundation course, we have the Going Slow course, or just be here. I always like to share with you guys because you'd be shocked how many DMs I get on The Sabrina Zohar Show. You could follow that, asking if I do all of these things. So please note, I'm just letting you guys know before we get on into the episode and have some time together. And welcome to a little bit more of an intimate set. We're really trying to build a community of safety, of feeling like you're home with me, and we're just fucking kicking it, like two friends hanging out. I want to take a quick second to say, happy 200th episode, you guys.

Speaker 3:
[03:38] Oh my God, thanks Tech Guy.

Speaker 2:
[03:41] Ah, guys, we did it.

Speaker 3:
[03:43] 200, and many more.

Speaker 5:
[03:47] Thank you guys for being part of this journey, and thank you for being a very sweet addition to my life. Pun intended, maybe, but we're in this together, and I am so fucking grateful for you guys.

Speaker 3:
[03:57] Thank you to 200, and let's go to 200 more.

Speaker 5:
[03:59] And the reason I chose this episode as the theme for the 200th episode is because I couldn't think of anything more that I personally struggle with than feeling like I'm enough, than feeling like there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not this damaged good. A lot of you guys are new, and a lot of you guys have been here, so let's go down and walk quickly on memory lane. I started the show because I was a hot mess. I was the girl sleeping her way through the city. I was the girl that felt really low about herself. And as I started to do the work and really start to realize, I am more than this, I have more to offer than this, and I deserve more than somebody who's choosing me like an option and not the fucking choice. When I shifted and really shifted the way that I saw things, my entire life started to change. And I started this podcast and this community because I didn't want to feel alone anymore. I didn't want you to feel alone as well, and I knew that other people out there had to feel what I was feeling. It couldn't just be me. And boy, oh boy, was I right. And I think what I've learned along the way is like, I'm not too much. Maybe my behavior might be, maybe the anxiety that I have in moments, maybe the way that I can show up as well. Absolutely, right? Like we can always improve and grow. But who you are fundamentally is beautiful and deserving and worthy. And baby, I need you to see that. I need you to believe that if you want to see your life change. And that is the biggest reframe that changed my fucking life. Instead of, you'll believe it when you see it. No, baby, you'll see it when you believe it. When you genuinely believe that you are worthy and deserving and that nothing is not for you and that everything that's in your life is meant to fucking be in your life, then your life will change. But start fucking showing up as that. Stop allowing people to waste your fucking time and then wonder why you're feeling empty and depleted after because who's there for you? And I really wanted to talk about that self-worth component and showing up for yourself. Self-love doesn't mean bulbous and facemasks. It means validating yourself. It means showing up for yourself. It means how you speak to yourself fucking matters. And if you're not showing up for you in the way that you needed someone to show up for you as a kid, then you're just perpetuating the same fucking behavior that was taught to you in childhood and now you're doing that in your adult lives. And then you can't be shocked when you're not getting the relationships you deserve because how are you showing up in order to receive that? Your insecurity is not a character flaw. It does not mean there's something wrong with you. It's an adaptation because somewhere along the way, someone taught you that who you are is a problem and you believed it. It's not because you're stupid. It was because you're a fucking child or because maybe you were in love or because the person telling you had the authority in your life and that belief became the lens in which you see everything through. Growing up, my father reminded us often that he loved us, but that was conditional, right? He loved you when you were behaving well. He loved you when you were doing something well. He loved you when you weren't rocking the boat, but the second you had a need or an opinion, that's it, you're too much. Here we go again, Sabrina always causing an issue. Then what happens? I had friends in high school and in middle school and in college and everything that came after that consistently treated me in the same fucking way because I was in a loop. Because being myself has always been the problem, how could that suddenly now be the solution? And that was a moment I had in therapy where I had to stop and say, wait a minute, could it have all been my fault? No, it couldn't. No matter what you've experienced in your life right now, it's not all your fault. And that's the perception of control. If I can take full accountability of it, then that means that I could have changed it. And if I could have changed it, then that means I don't have to feel in pain. If I don't have to feel in pain, then great, I won't have to be sad. But that's not how life works. You can't be in control of everything. Trust me, I wish, if that's were, then all of our lives would be different. You can only control how you show up and what's coming up for you and how much you allow this to impact you. But you can't control other people. The same with the people that try to change the way I speak, get bent. That's what I say consistently, no. And it took me so long. Do you know why boundaries feel so uncomfortable for you to set? It's because somewhere along the way, someone taught you that having boundaries meant that you were going to lose them, that this wasn't safe and that there's something wrong with you for saying no. And now, as an adult, you get to work through that and say, I do have needs, no is a complete fucking sentence, and I'm not going to let somebody who didn't have the bandwidth and the capacity in my childhood to dictate who the fuck I am and to control the rest of my fucking life in the way that they did when I was a kid. So if somebody had asked how to feel self-worth in your body and not only know it intellectually, and this is the crux of so much of the meat and potatoes, you can intellectually understand, sure, I'm worthy and deserving of this. No, I'm not a child anymore. But your conscious is about three to five percent. Your subconscious is about 95 to 98 percent of your thoughts, 97 percent if we're going to be argument-sake. So it lives in your nervous system. You can tell yourself that you are worthy all day, but if your body is consistently bracing for rejection, your body is going to win every fucking time. It's again, you're not lacking information. That's why when you say, why did they do this and why did they do that? Okay, the why questions are keeping you from the deeper root here, and the deeper root here is I'm in pain. I feel like shit. I feel discarded and dismissed, and I feel like I'm not good enough and that no one's ever going to choose me. That's the real fucking answer, and all this person was doing was slapping a bandaid on that because you had the perception that you were being chosen, and now that you don't have them, you're trying to ask all these why questions to avoid feeling the pain, but the reality is you won't get over it unless you fucking do. You will not move forward unless you allow yourself to feel it, the embodiment. The only way to embody it is to do the shit that scares you and not die. Confidence doesn't come after you act, it comes before. You don't feel confident and that's how you can suddenly do everything. When I first started, 200th episode, that's why we're talking about this. When I first started doing all this, do you think that I felt confident? Not even by a fucking long shot. Whether it would be speaking up to Ryan or ending a friendship, or starting a podcast, or creating a TikTok or a reel. Every time I was scared, I used to have panic attacks and cry and freak out if I had to do something. Now I'm like, girl, you've done this before. You've been there and that's how confidence works. When your body realizes a new lived experience, when you have a new experience, so your nervous system can have a corrective experience, something as simple as someone telling you, you look pretty, maybe you've never received a compliment before. That's real. Compliments can be really hard to receive. They go against your core beliefs. So somebody telling you, wow, you're so pretty, instead of saying, thank you, and sitting in that, oh, God, no, I threw this on today. No, my sister gave me this shirt, it's not mine. We always come up with something instead of it, because that's safer. Versus saying, no, this is what I want to need. And then after going, oh, I didn't die, oh, I'm still here, oh, I'm fine, I'm okay. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong, I'm not unsafe just because I speak up or have a need. That is how you will change. This episode is brought to you by Batch. I don't know about you guys, but there's something that happens, especially to women, and you get into your 30s, your 40s, where you start to feel kind of off. It's not like you're sick, it's not a diagnosable thing, it's just you don't necessarily feel yourself, and you're managing everything for everyone, right? Whether that be your kids, your career, your relationships, your own health, and somewhere in all of that, you quietly start falling apart. And the worst part is when you finally bring it up to your doctor, what's the response? Like, try exercise, and that was what they always did to me. Like, oh, are you going through something? Why don't you just go work out? And sometimes you need a little bit more than that, and that's why I love Batch, because they have something that's so amazing. They are called micro mints. So they are sublingually delivered, means it absorbs faster than a capsule or a gummy, than you feel it, so it's CBD and CPG combination targets both calm and mood, not just one or the other. And it's a daily ritual replacement. It's not a crisis intervention. The goal is baseline, right? Especially with your nervous system, so you don't get grogginess, no dependency, no pharmaceutical side effects, fully transparent lab testing. You can verify every single ingredient. Right now, baby, Batch is offering 30% off site wide, and yes, that applies to subscriptions too. So you can lock in that discount on your monthly supply. Go to hellobatch.com/sabrina and use the code Sabrina at checkout. Do you want to know how I stopped dating emotionally unavailable people? I stopped being scared of losing those emotional unavailable people. I stopped being scared of watering myself down because I was more scared of losing myself than I was ever fucking scared of them. And do you know how that happened? Because I lost so much. And after I lost so much, I realized I was still fucking here, and I had another day, and if I have another day, that means I get another choice. And if I get another choice, that means I can change the fucking future. I can't change the past, but I can change where I'm going. And that's the only control I actually have. So let's get into a study, my babies. So Mark Leary is a social psychologist, and he proposed that your self-esteem is not a fixed trait. It's a gauge, like a fuel gauge in your car. So it monitors how accepted or rejected you are by the people around you. Acceptance, it goes up.

Speaker 3:
[12:37] Duh, yay, they like me, right? They like me, they really like me.

Speaker 5:
[12:42] And then rejection, it drops. And rejection lowers self-esteem more than acceptance, raises it. So your gauge is more sensitive to the bad than the good. And so if you grew up in a house where rejection was constant, where love was conditional, your gauge was calibrated to expect rejection everywhere. You're not insecure because something is wrong with you, baby. Your gauge was set by people who kept rejecting you. I understand that because my gauge even will laugh. Ryan will joke when somebody says something of like, oh, I love the podcast. Oh my God, I'm obsessed with it. And Ryan will laugh and go, her core beliefs won't accept that. Because my social gauge, when I see the negative, I'm like, see, there it is. I knew it. I knew it. That's what I believe about myself. You saw it too. Versus, you're amazing and I love you in all days. And you're like, yeah, yeah, whatever. That's fine. It's cool. It's whatever. It's like, yeah, sure. Whatever. I'm just here. Because that goes against how we genuinely believe. And so don't be shocked when getting rejected hits the gauge a lot more than getting accepted and that's also why getting accepted can feel anticlimactic. That's why 100 people can tell you you're amazing and one person says something shitty and that's the one you believe. Your sociometer weighs rejection more heavily than acceptance. And that's not a problem about you, baby. That's a calibration issue. So someone had asked, how to not be insecure when every man I've cared about said, I'm not good enough. The harsh reality is that you went for them because they activated that wound. Every man reinforced the original calibration. Every rejection didn't just hurt in the moment. It confirmed the belief that was already there. See, they figured it out too. There's something wrong with me, but there isn't. Your gauge just keeps getting data that matches the original setting. And the work isn't convincing yourself that you're enough. It's to recalibrate the gauge by surrounding yourself with people who give it different data. And also, if you guys are wondering, wait a minute, how are we writing into the show? How am I getting my questions at The Sabrina Zohar Show? I do question boxes on Insta. Go follow along. There's also TikTok if you want, Sabrina.Zohar. Or on our YouTube right here, Sabrina.Zohar. I am everywhere, baby. So if you guys want to integrate and actually be part of the community, you can either write it into InTheTrenches at sabrinazohar.com, or you can write it into the question boxes when I do them. So that's the fun of being part of the community as I get to be able to help you guys in a different way, which is also why I'm actually building a membership out so that we get some community together, that you guys can be part of something every month. So stay tuned. It's on its way. But for now, thank you for being here on the podcast, and thanks for pre-ordering my book. It's called Why Am I Like This? You guys are going to hear about it so much, you're going to fucking hit me over the head with it when it comes out. I can't wait. Let's get back to it, my shameless plug. How do you stop letting what they think about who you are get to you? So an example was, my ex kept calling me toxic. The thing is that your behavior might have been toxic and that's okay. We want to be able to separate between, was it my behavior? Because maybe there is some truth there. Maybe they were right saying, you fucking asked to have my location. Every time I said something, you screamed at me. You didn't allow me to speak. Maybe there is validity to what they're saying that there are traits. Now, the other side of the coin is that we have to look and say, am I taking accountability and ownership of what's mine to take? If they're calling you toxic because you asked to have a conversation with them, then that sounds like deflection that they don't actually want to take any ownership and it's not actually about you. But if you can stop and say, oh, yeah, I text them 173 times, maybe that was a little toxic. Then that's you just taking accountability and ownership of your life in the way that you can, right? Of saying, yeah, that is my part in it, and that's okay. And your sociometer treat their opinion as data. It doesn't know the difference between someone who knows you deeply and someone projecting their shit. So it just registers they devalued me and your self-esteem drops. So the work is learning to filter whose opinion gets to calibrate your gauge. And again, we do all of this in the Healthy Dating Foundation course to help you understand your North Star. So if you guys want more, everything's gonna be in the link in bio in the show notes. But it's also about knowing, right? It's the same thing. You guys will ask me all the time, like, how do you have your self-esteem? How do you have the confidence? Because I've stood up enough to bullies. Yeah, I've lost when I've told people, like, if you don't like this, then find another show and they attack me. And you're like, okay, so that's one person I don't get to keep. But then there's a hundred people that validate and accept me for who I am. So then I'm holding on to somebody that doesn't? Hmm, no wonder my self-esteem is taking a hit. All right, and I get it. The standard advice for insecurity is build your self-esteem, love yourself more, affirm yourself. And there's a problem with that that nobody talks about. So Neff & Vonk did a study in 2009, that's a mouthful. Over 2,000 participants comparing self-esteem and self-compassion. Self-esteem is contingent. It goes up when things go well and comes crashing down when they don't. Only as stable as your last success. Okay, that I can understand, right? Self-compassion though predicted more stable feelings of self-worth that were less contingent on outcomes. Stronger negative predictor of social comparison, self-rumination and public self-confidence. And self-esteem was positively associated with narcissism. Self-compassion was not at all. So the things we've all been chasing, right? Higher self-esteem is unstable by design because it fluctuates based by whether people approve of you. But self-compassion, being kind to yourself in the mess, recognizing that you're a human and letting painful shit pass without becoming it, that predicts resilience. That doesn't collapse when someone rejects you. And that's why I always say we gotta look at how we're fucking talking to ourselves. Are you talking to yourself in the same way people talk to you as a kid? Are you putting yourself down, telling yourself that you're an idiot, calling yourself names, and then you fucking wonder why you're attracting people that do the same thing, that don't respect you, that don't care about you? Because look at how you're showing up. And if you're going to sit there and talk shit to you, how the fuck are you going to accept anything different? It's going to be really tough because you don't believe that you're worthy and deserving that on a fundamental core level. If you did, you wouldn't talk to yourself like that. Would you talk to your friend like that? Probably not. If you went to a friend and told them that they were fucking stupid and they're an idiot and they can't do anything right, do you think they'd still want to be friends with you? Doubtful. So why the fuck are you talking to yourself like that? Shame? I don't think it has to be erased from society, but I think we need to stop shaming ourselves. You've been doing that enough. You've been shaming yourself for so fucking long, you don't even know which way is up and down. So instead of showing yourself all the shame and blame, which you can't fucking control, try showing yourself an iota of compassion and start to see how your life changes and start to see how sick and tired you get to the people that are talking to you in any other fucking way. This episode is brought to you by Tumble. Guys, when I had Clemmie, it was so hard for me to find a rug that was not going to be an issue for having a dog, whether that be spill resistant. And it was either I picked the oversized rug that looked amazing, but was constantly worried that it was going to be stained, or I got the washable rug that felt cheap and it was more temporary than anything else. And I was looking for something that could actually transform the room the minute you walk in. And that's why I love Tumble. First of all, it is spill proof. So, having a dog, having a partner, having a me is so important, especially with plants everywhere. We wanted to make sure we had a rug that we could actually really use because it's spill proof, which means that liquids just beat up on top of the rug. It's amazing. It's also machine washable. It has integrated rug pad. And Tumble is known for how easy it is to wash their rugs, but their rug pad system is truly genius. I'm not even kidding. It keeps everything securely in place so the rug doesn't slide around. Plus, non-toxic, baby. All Tumble rugs are OEKO. Tex certified. Guys, machine washable rugs made better for a limited time only. Our listeners get 10% off in free shipping at tumbleliving.com/sabrina. That's T-U-M-B-L-E, living.com/sabrina. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show, The Sabrina Zohar Show, and tell them that we sent you, baby. This episode is sponsored by Quinn's. Me and Tech Guy just did a complete spring cleaning. It was so cathartic. I absolutely loved it. And now for me, I'm focusing more on quality over quantity. So I'm building a wardrobe of pieces that are well made, right? So it's versatile, really easy to wear, reach for every single day, day to night. And that's why I keep coming back to Quinn's. The fabrics feel so elevated, and I am such a sensory girl. I love it. The fits are incredibly thoughtful. They fit like a glove. And even the bedding. I'm so obsessed with their linen sheets. It is another level. We have them on every single bed in the house. It is just, I can't even begin to say how much I love them. And the pricing actually makes sense, because you're getting things at a quality that is unbelievable and a price that you would even have to question how they're able to do it. But they are, baby. And it's so incredible. Quinn's makes beautiful everyday pieces using premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton, and super soft denim, with styles starting around $50. I love even just their basic cashmere sweater. Again, it's so easy to go from day to night, maybe a cute little date night outfit. And guys, right now, you can refresh your wardrobe with Quinn's. So go to quince.com/sabrina for free shipping and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. Yay! Go to quince.com/sabrina for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com/sabrina. So someone asked, how can I differ between what a real core belief is and what is actually real? So, a core belief feels like a fact. That's what makes it dangerous. I'm not enough. Doesn't feel like a belief. It feels like the truth. The way you know it's a belief and not reality, you learned it. It has an origin story. You can trace it back. Facts don't have origin stories, right? Your name is a fact. I'm unlovable is a belief someone gave you that you never returned. So we want to start to look again, where did I learn this from? Oh, in school, I was always told that I wasn't pretty. Nobody ever liked me. Nobody picked me. Oh, okay. Yeah, I learned that in childhood that I wasn't good enough, that nobody ever was going to. Okay, so then no wonder I'm choosing that in my adult life. So a core belief is something that you believe as fact. You know what my core belief has been? And it still rears its ugly head. Everyone else can have it but me. So for me, it was the healthy relationship. Everyone else can have the happy and healthy relationship but me. With my career, no, everybody else gets success, not me. It was always that other people were going to get it, but not Zohar. Zohar doesn't get it. Zohar doesn't receive that. Zohar just takes what she can get. She has to earn for it and work for it. I was taught that because if maybe I had had two caregivers that taught me that who I am was enough and that I don't have to earn it and I don't have to work for it and I don't have to do anything, I just have to show up and I receive, I'd probably be in a different place right now. Who knows? I may not have met you guys, right? Isn't that the harsh reality? But what I've learned in 200 episodes of doing this is the stuff that you think is going to do well probably won't and the stuff that you don't think is going to do well probably will and that I've tried. I'll be honest with you guys, in the 200 episodes, I've cried a lot, not just with you. I have sat down for hours trying to say, but I need to make it what they want and how are they going to like it? And will they? And I totally fucking lost myself. I lost what made this so fun and special was being me. Now, of course, you know what my other core belief was? People don't come for me. And was that validated? Yeah, kind of, right? When I had a show with a name that people wanted to identify with, I'm doing the work versus I don't know who Sabrina Zohar is, fuck her. I've had people that will flip it and walk off because I say something that they don't like and all of a sudden, they're fucking losing their shit on me. They don't support me. They don't actually show up when I need them. They don't even engage in any of my fucking content, but they're upset that I don't make what they want. I've gone through that. It's the same in dating. When you date people that nothing's ever good enough and you feel like you're always performing and then you feel depleted at the end of it. And now it's about saying, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. I'd rather find if that means that I have a slower success or I don't have the relationship or I don't have the, that's okay. I'm okay with being where I'm at because that means I could be who I am without having to be somebody different. So I was talking to my client this morning and he said, people call me intimidating. And he said, do you think I should change the way I speak? Should I maybe not talk about who I am and what I've accomplished in my life to not make them feel intimidated? And I chuckled and I said, but do you want to be with somebody who you can't be yourself around? I said, why do you have to water yourself down in order for them to feel more comfortable? And he laughed and he was like, you're right. He's like, I've been with so many people that just like me because of who I am or because of what I've accomplished but not necessarily who I am. And it's like, then show that. Show that because even with me, I get worried sometimes that Ryan's going to leave me. Not because, oh, there's something wrong with me, because I'm very emotional and I have high highs and low lows and I have times where I could cry hysterically and then I have other moments where I feel really confident and secure with myself. And of course, I'm thinking I'm too much. No one's ever going to want to deal with that because I don't want to deal with that. I struggle to deal with it. I struggle to hold space for myself. I struggle to have compassion for the human that I am. I struggle to believe that this is normal and that other people do this, too. Because for so long, I was taught that it wasn't, that me having emotions isn't safe, and that somebody's always going to leave because I'm annoying them with who I am. And so I've had to work on that, saying, you're allowed to take up space, and if that means that person leaves, then they weren't meant to be in your life then. And if they stay, that person probably really fucking loves you.

Speaker 6:
[25:45] I'm not going to leave you.

Speaker 5:
[25:47] Thanks, babe. And I don't know if any of you guys heard that, but you do deserve somebody that will see the mess and still love the mess, and see the beauty and still love the beauty, and see the composed parts and the breaking apart parts, and still love you. And that's why I show you guys so much of me, not just physically, but that's why I show you guys so many different parts of me. And some of you could say, I don't want to see it. And that's okay. You don't have to. But I still get to show it, even if somebody is not ready to see it. Somebody asks, how to build trust that you'll be able to pick the right partner in dating? How do you trust yourself? Well, baby, you build it the same way you build trust with another person incrementally, through evidence. I've talked to you guys about the guy who changed the way I dated. Would you think when I kicked him out of the house, I knew what was going to happen? No. In full transparency, I was hoping he was going to turn around and say, I made a mistake. I was hoping that he was going to come with this grandiosity and say, I fucked up and I can't let you go. And instead, I never heard from him again. Instead, when I reached out to him nine months later to try to see if anything changed, it hadn't. And I'm so grateful I didn't go for it because what changed was me. What changed was what I was willing to allow and what changed was how I was showing up, not the other person. And what changed was showing myself that, see, you could do hard things and you're still okay because then I met Ryan two months later. And I am so grateful I didn't waste my fucking time with somebody who didn't even call me to let me know that they were in my goddamn city. Make a small promise to yourself and keep it. Listen to your gut once and see what happens. Set a boundary, say no and don't abandon it. Each time you follow through, your internal trust account builds. You don't trust yourself because you decided to. You trust yourself because you have receipts. And that's again part of that corrective experience. The anxiety versus intuition. Is this my anxiety? It usually comes with a body sensation and a narrative and the tears and this urgency, whereas the intuition, pretty calming. It's usually just more relaxed feeling of, I don't know, that just doesn't feel right. I don't know, that's not sitting well with me.

Speaker 3:
[27:40] Okay, then follow that.

Speaker 5:
[27:42] You don't have to have all the answers. You have an entire episode, is it Anxiety and Intuition? So feel free, I don't know the exact number, but feel free to go back and listen. But if we're trying to trust yourself, then that means that we have to look at, what does it mean when you do? To try to find corrective experiences. How did that feel in your body when you were like, oh, I did pick up on that correctly, right? Ryan and I had that, we got fucked over from something. And I look back and I was like, so that's what it felt like at the moment to go, no, it didn't feel right. And we had a conversation about it. I didn't share even with the guy that I told you guys about, the conventionally handsome guy that I changed the way I dated, when my best friend said either we're getting played or this is the love of your life. And I said, I have a feeling we're getting played. Because what I realized in that moment was, it wasn't this like highly anxious energy. It was actually a calming feeling of, this just doesn't feel like how it's supposed to feel. And I just knew it. And it wasn't because, oh, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, in the sense where he had showed me that from the beginning, the way that he had approached me, the way that he was coming after me, the way that all of this had happened, it just didn't feel authentic. It just didn't feel sustainable, and I was right. And that's what I mean by, okay, there were signs, so trust that. Start to learn, what have you been right? Not, oh, see, I told you, I'm always right. My good always knows. It's like, yeah, trail it back. Trail it back to date one when you picked up on something that you overlooked, and then come back and tell me that you don't trust yourself. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Guys, did you know that financial stress actually affects far more than your bank accounts? It can take a serious toll on your mental health and relationships. This was a really interesting study. Eighty-eight percent of Americans feel some form of financial stress at the start of 2026. You got to remember, baby, money worries bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression. And that can be really, really hard in a relationship. I mean, I know with me and Ryan, I technically am the breadwinner, right? He works for my company, and so everything starts and stops with me, and that can feel really, really heavy at times. And sometimes I will feel overwhelmed. I'll cry and having an outlet, especially an amazing therapist that you can work through this with, is so important, so that doesn't necessarily always impact your relationship. And that's why I love Betterhelp, because they have quality therapists. So Betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. And they have a therapist match commitment, so they do all the matching for you. And if you're not happy with your therapist, baby, you just press new therapist, and they will help you match somebody instantly. Guys, I want you to remember this. You deserve to be happy and healthy and have an amazing relationship with money, and I just need you to believe that, baby. So when life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up again 10% off at betterhelp.com/sabrina. That's betterhelp.com/sabrina. We have a question. This one I want to celebrate. Due to dating as a 32-year-old virgin with loose skin post, she lost 165-pound weight loss. Can we just fucking talk about the fact that you just did one of the hardest things a human being can do? You lost 165 motherfucking pounds. Coo-dos all day. I'm clapping, I'm snapping, I'm doing all the things. That takes discipline. Most people will never fucking understand. And baby, the right person is going to see the loose skin and know what it represents. Someone decided to change their fucking life and actually did it. That's the flex. Let's reframe. Sure, I might have anxiety. You know what I also have? A ton of fucking lived experiences that made me who I am. I've got a lot of stories and I've got a lot of humor because that's what trauma will do for you. But I've got a lot more to offer than just the circumstance. I have the person that created this version of me that survived it all. And so what you do is you don't fucking apologize for who you are. Sure, this is who I am. You don't like it? If I'm too much, go find less. If they can't understand what it takes for you to be so disciplined to do that show up for yourself every day, then fuck them if all they want is just a pretty package without realizing how long it takes to get that. How do I stop missing someone who is so bad for me, who is really loving and then went cold? You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them that made you feel okay about yourself. The hot and cold is intermittent reinforcement. And sometimes they made you feel valuable, sometimes worthless. Intermittent reinforcement is the most addictive fucking pattern there is. And it doesn't mean that you're weak for missing them. It means that your brain got hooked on inconsistency, and now you get to decide what it is that you're worthy and deserving of and how much more of this you're going to fucking allow. And we'll go one more question. How to rewire thoughts that it will never happen for me. For now, it hasn't happened for you, baby. That doesn't mean it won't. Add, like Mama Zohar always said, for now at the end of every sentence that feels permanent. For now, I'm single. For now, it's hard. For now, it gives your brain permission to believe things can change. Can I just show you, where did I start? Where I started was in my kitchen with a phallic-ass looking mic, no money at all. I didn't even know if I was going to be able to pay rent that month. And a dream and a goal. And I remember I launched the podcast and I had somebody reach out and say, I wanted to work with you. And I had three people book with me in the first month. And I called my mom and I said, if I continue at this rate, I could pay rent next month. And I booked out the next month and the show is growing because I believed I could do it. And along the way, I lost that belief because someone took something for me out of I couldn't control. But when I look at how far I've come to now having a custom studio in my home, the most incredible community, a book coming out, the life I've always dreamt of is here. Are you going to be ready for it when you receive it? Just because at one time it's not there doesn't mean it always will not be. Just because right now you don't have the love of your life or the career that you want or the opportunities doesn't mean you never will. You're a human and you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be scared, but add for now at the end of every fucking sentence because for now you don't have it, but that doesn't mean you always won't. So get ready, baby, because just like you exist, someone out there amazing is ready and willing and able to be the partner that you need. You just haven't fucking met them yet. Going down memory lane can feel painful sometimes, but it's worth it. And you know what? I've also had to realize if I don't gain the audience or if I lose people or if they come and they go, that's okay. I got to keep showing up as me because that's how we're going to have some fucking fun is when I fall back in love with what I'm doing, and then we can all fall back in love with what we're doing because we feed off of each other. So let's go into the tool of the week. You guys have earned it. You've watched me cry now twice. Okay. So the source check. Five questions and I want you to answer honestly. The first one, when you hear you're not enough, whose voice is that? For me, it was my dad and sometimes my sister. Not the general feeling, the actual voice, name them. That belief has a source and it's not fucking you. The second thing, when was the last time you kept a promise to yourself, not to someone else, to you? Why do you think now? I pay, I have a trainer and I have Pilates. You know why I do that? So my ass goes, because it hurts when I miss it. And I'm like, oh, I'm keeping a promise to myself because I'm saying I'm worthy and deserving of that. That's why I mail prep. That's why I do all of these things so that when I wake up, I take care of myself because I'm holding a promise to myself that I'm going to be there for me. So then I actually need to fucking be there for me. Next one, whose opinion is currently calibrating your self-worth gauge and have they earned that access? Again, for me, it was my parents for a long time. And the next, what would you say to your best friend if they told you what you're telling yourself right now? Would you, again, would you tell your best friend that they're fucking stupid and they're moron? Maybe if they genuinely, you'd be like, hey, man, I don't know if that was the best decision. But I don't think you'd have a friend if you talk to them like that. So say that to yourself instead. And the last thing, what's one thing you've survived that you didn't think you could? That's your evidence. That's your evidence. I'll tell you right now. I never thought I was going to survive Clem's death. I even still, right before I recorded a photo of him came up and I cried. But I did, I survived it. I made it through the other side. I never thought I was going to survive a lot of these hard days, because we can do hard things and you get to choose your fucking hard. I want you to share some of these in the comments, because I bet a lot of you are going to realize it's the same two or three things running your entire fucking monologue and people. These people don't live in your house anymore, so it's time to change the goddamn channel, baby. 200 episodes. If I've learned anything, it's that there was never anything wrong with me. Your self-worth is a gauge and it was calibrated by people who kept giving you bad data, and you don't need to hire self-esteem. It's not this arbitrary thing. You need a different relationship with yourself, one that doesn't collapse every time someone disappoints you. You don't need to become someone new. You need to stop abandoning the person you already are. That's the reality of it. That's why I always say, what's a part of yourself that you don't think is lovable? That's who needs you the most. I love you guys. Thank you for everything.

Speaker 3:
[36:23] 200, 200, and many more.

Speaker 5:
[36:27] Let's go. Guys, don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend. Everything is at sabrinazohar.com. Please don't forget to pre-order the book. It's available on Amazon. It's called Why Am I Like This? By Sabrina Zohar, in case you're not sure who it's by. I'm so honored. Don't forget to save a screenshot. We'll let you guys know. We're going to send out emails, and I'll be announcing it up the wazoo that you'll get your free course as a thank you. Because pre-orders, truth, that's why I'm saying, that's how I'll land on the New York Times list. That's how I'll get into Walmart and to Target. I need your help. I need your help to please, please buy it for you, your friend, your mama, your daddy, anybody that you think will benefit from understanding their patterns more. And thank you guys for being here. Thank you for rating, reviewing, commenting, engaging and being part of what makes my day bright. Because it's you guys and without you, I don't know where I'd be. All right, babies, until next time.

Speaker 7:
[37:24] Every act of change begins with a neighbor, with someone saying, We take care of each other here. In food banks and food pantries, neighbors pack fresh food and dignity into every box, moving food from farms to families through Feeding America's nationwide network. So when that box reaches a home, it carries more than food, it carries a promise, that together, we can end hunger. Feeding America, led by neighbors. Give now to end hunger at feedingamerica.org.

Speaker 6:
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