transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:00] Oh, welcome to The Past Times.
Speaker 2:
[00:02] It's a podcast.
Speaker 1:
[00:04] Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here. Each week, we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked up by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest. Guess the great Dave Ross. Hi, Dave.
Speaker 3:
[00:20] What's up?
Speaker 1:
[00:20] How are you guys? How's New York?
Speaker 3:
[00:22] Thanks for having me. I'm sorry I can't see Dave's face.
Speaker 1:
[00:24] It's a good thing.
Speaker 4:
[00:26] I got to be honest.
Speaker 2:
[00:27] No, it's good. It's for the, it's.
Speaker 4:
[00:30] Dave, how long have you had the beard?
Speaker 3:
[00:34] Honestly, I got it like right when I moved to New York. So about three years. You bought it?
Speaker 4:
[00:39] It's a solid beard.
Speaker 3:
[00:40] I tried out a beard.
Speaker 4:
[00:43] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[00:44] Oh, thank you. Thank you. I like it too. I tried it out when I was in my twenties and it didn't work. I had big open spaces in my beard. Also it didn't even occur to me that I could like trim it and make myself not look like absolute dog shit all the time. So I was scared to do it. And then like somewhere around 39 or 40, I tried it and I, it's full.
Speaker 4:
[01:08] Feels good.
Speaker 3:
[01:09] Thanks man. Thank you.
Speaker 4:
[01:10] Big open spaces in your beard.
Speaker 1:
[01:13] Yeah. No, I sell parts of my beard to Open Spaces, which is a charity that gives kids beard hair. But I've worked more with them for a long time. So Open Spaces, if you want to go online, they're awesome. Dave, where do people keep up on all your shows and podcasts when they're paused or unpaused or any of those things?
Speaker 3:
[01:35] Yeah. Everything I do is on pause right now for some reason. But yeah, follow me on Instagram at Dave to the Ross, Dave, E-T-O-T-H-E-R-O-S-S.
Speaker 1:
[01:45] Dave to the Ross.
Speaker 3:
[01:46] That kind of one of the reasons all that shit's on pause. Oh, sorry. I keep talking over you.
Speaker 1:
[01:50] I'm sorry, buddy. We want this to be very conversational. When we do it in studio, we do have a shell. We pass around the shell and whoever has the shell talks, but we can't do that. It's a conch. It is a conch. We got Piggy, Ralph, Major Energy. We're going to go through a newspaper. I don't know what year it is. You don't know. But you're going to guess with no clues or context. And I'm going to do the same.
Speaker 4:
[02:16] Now, the winner, the winner has already been chosen from after the record. That's my cat behavior post question. You forfeited this. You forfeit it. Already lost behavior was bad. So Dave, what happened is you're the automatic winner, but you still get to guess for the fun of it.
Speaker 3:
[02:36] Great. Wow. I like this game.
Speaker 1:
[02:38] That's a very weird game, and it's probably time to be done with it.
Speaker 2:
[02:42] But go ahead, Dave.
Speaker 4:
[02:45] Just guess in a year from 1600s to now.
Speaker 3:
[02:54] Oh, just before you read the.
Speaker 2:
[02:56] There's no clue.
Speaker 4:
[02:57] It's just it's that we live in.
Speaker 3:
[02:58] Oh, there's no clue.
Speaker 1:
[02:59] OK, sure.
Speaker 3:
[03:00] 1881.
Speaker 4:
[03:04] It's 1911.
Speaker 1:
[03:05] Why didn't I even guess?
Speaker 4:
[03:07] Why does it matter?
Speaker 1:
[03:07] Because you would still like an opportunity.
Speaker 4:
[03:10] Well, you should have thought of that.
Speaker 1:
[03:12] I was fine. My behavior was fine.
Speaker 4:
[03:13] Terrible. People are going to write. All right.
Speaker 2:
[03:15] Let's just go.
Speaker 4:
[03:15] People are going to write.
Speaker 2:
[03:16] Shut up.
Speaker 3:
[03:17] I'm really enjoying this window into your relationship.
Speaker 2:
[03:21] This is a history show.
Speaker 1:
[03:23] But one of the hosts is a complete asshole.
Speaker 3:
[03:27] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[03:28] Now you just now you just forfeited the next.
Speaker 1:
[03:30] He's. You know what? you, asshole, asshole, asshole.
Speaker 4:
[03:34] That's fine.
Speaker 1:
[03:35] I don't care. Keep him going. You never let me win anyway. You have problems.
Speaker 3:
[03:40] You know, I feel like I've been on podcasts before where the two hosts have this kind of like play fighting, perhaps real fighting dynamic. But this is the first time I've ever done it, where one of you is completely out of view.
Speaker 1:
[03:53] Yeah. So fun dynamic. Now, let me ask you this. What now is that more or less compelling? Who are you? Whose side are you leaning towards in this one?
Speaker 3:
[04:05] Honestly, Dave, because the lack of if I could see his facial expression, I could probably see the evil or the glee in his anger. But now I just feel like evil glee is exact.
Speaker 1:
[04:17] It's gleeful as it is. And that's exactly what he has on his face the whole time.
Speaker 4:
[04:21] But I think Dave is picking up on it.
Speaker 1:
[04:23] I also don't like that you two have the same. That's becoming a big problem for two Daves to be like, I like Dave better. You know what Dave's saying is very good.
Speaker 4:
[04:31] Just like give the Daves a minute to talk.
Speaker 3:
[04:34] That is what Daves are like. We we appreciate each other. Yeah, I would just say it's a soft, it's a rare quality.
Speaker 1:
[04:40] And he's like, what's right?
Speaker 4:
[04:41] It's what Daves been picking up on is that you're a sore loser and that does not come across well for a lot of people.
Speaker 1:
[04:48] I'll tell you what, after these next six, I'm going to win.
Speaker 3:
[04:55] Have you seen the movie? If I had legs, I'd kick you.
Speaker 4:
[04:59] I have not. It's like a bummer. So I haven't watched it.
Speaker 3:
[05:03] It is a bummer. It's a recent like eight twenty four, you know, a movie about a mother basically having like parental psychosis. But the entire movie is filmed from her perspective. You can't see her kid, the entire movie. You only see her face.
Speaker 1:
[05:20] Oh, I didn't.
Speaker 3:
[05:21] And so this is like that. I'm just seeing. I'm just watching Gareth's.
Speaker 1:
[05:30] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[05:30] I'm like, yes.
Speaker 1:
[05:34] Dave's just the Dave's just the Charlie Brown teacher.
Speaker 2:
[05:40] All right.
Speaker 3:
[05:42] Yeah, it's an interesting.
Speaker 1:
[05:45] How funny would it be if we were like cameras work and we just like trying to just mess? We're like, we want to get an insight into what works here.
Speaker 3:
[05:52] What do you do? A new thing. Dave, let's see how Dave handles this.
Speaker 2:
[05:57] Interesting, Dave.
Speaker 1:
[05:58] Now we'll switch the camera. Now, what do you think, Dave?
Speaker 2:
[06:01] All right.
Speaker 1:
[06:02] Where is this paper from?
Speaker 4:
[06:03] Something I've never seen before. So it is the Fort Collins Weekly Express, Thursday, April.
Speaker 2:
[06:09] Fort Collins.
Speaker 4:
[06:10] 20th.
Speaker 1:
[06:11] Phenomenal.
Speaker 4:
[06:11] 1911, part one.
Speaker 1:
[06:14] Part one is the paper instead of like the AM edition.
Speaker 4:
[06:17] Part one. I've never seen that.
Speaker 3:
[06:19] Amazing.
Speaker 4:
[06:20] Part one of the paper. All right, Fort Collins. Sometimes Preston does something that's associated with people who are guests. Are you, any relations to Fort Collins? Do you have any connection to Fort Collins?
Speaker 3:
[06:32] I have a lot of connection to Fort Collins, yeah. Like I have a bunch of cousins that live there because my aunt and uncle used to live there. My dad's brother. And I think a Comedy Fort is the best club in the country, hands down. I fucking love performing there.
Speaker 1:
[06:50] Completely agree.
Speaker 4:
[06:51] Really?
Speaker 1:
[06:52] Comedy Fort is a phenomenal club. The guy David, who is a comedian himself, another... God damn it. I hate it. I just, you know, it's a terrible club. David is a problem. Dave Ross is a problem. Dave Anthony is a bigger problem.
Speaker 4:
[07:14] You don't like themes.
Speaker 1:
[07:15] I don't like that. I can't believe it's run by another Dave. But Comedy 4, phenomenal. And the club is incredible. I go there every August. It gets better and better. He's the best.
Speaker 2:
[07:26] Wish his name wasn't Dave.
Speaker 1:
[07:27] That'd be awesome if he could change his name.
Speaker 3:
[07:29] Yeah, yeah, I love that name. I don't know something about it.
Speaker 4:
[07:32] It's just nice. Comforting.
Speaker 3:
[07:34] It's just a nice sounding name. Yeah, David Rodriguez is his name. He's also a really funny comic that doesn't always happen. It doesn't happen often at all. Like a good comic starts at a club.
Speaker 1:
[07:48] I was complimenting the club and I go, I was like, the guy who runs the place used to be a comedian.
Speaker 2:
[07:54] I got off stage.
Speaker 1:
[07:55] He was like, used to be. He's like, I still do stand-up.
Speaker 2:
[07:59] I was like, your club is so good. I was just trying, you're right. That was wrong. That was wrong.
Speaker 4:
[08:06] All right.
Speaker 3:
[08:07] I was like, Ed.
Speaker 4:
[08:08] Go ahead.
Speaker 3:
[08:09] Oh yeah. No, no, no, let's hear it.
Speaker 4:
[08:12] Charged with failure to bury a dead horse.
Speaker 2:
[08:16] Charged with failure. Interesting.
Speaker 1:
[08:18] I guess I've never thought about what you do with them. I thought the horse, that's what the horse flies were for. I thought they ate it like poop.
Speaker 4:
[08:24] That's a big undertakings. Bury a dead horse.
Speaker 1:
[08:28] Yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. I mean, beating it's something they don't like. Now you got to bury it too.
Speaker 2:
[08:33] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[08:33] We'll be right back.
Speaker 3:
[08:37] Yeah, I think we all know how the horse died.
Speaker 2:
[08:40] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[08:41] And the guy, the guy who beat the dead horse over and over again, is that what it is? The guy, it's a, this article is about a man who is fined for being charged with a crime.
Speaker 2:
[08:55] Yes.
Speaker 4:
[08:56] The crime is not okay.
Speaker 1:
[08:58] But I mean, when you think about it, right, back then, it probably will like people were probably like, get the horse out of here.
Speaker 4:
[09:07] Well, it is a big problem.
Speaker 3:
[09:09] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 4:
[09:09] Dead horses.
Speaker 3:
[09:10] I would think, I would also bet this, like if there was a like, if that happened nowadays, it's like really cut and dry. You got to get your dead horse out of the middle track right away.
Speaker 1:
[09:22] And you don't let anyone know about it right away.
Speaker 3:
[09:25] It's like going to create a health problem. And people are like trying to get around it to get to work. But I'll bet you in 19. That's right. Fuck jockeys. I almost said that. But I'll bet you in 1911, it was like the beginning of when you had to bury your dead horse right away, right? Like probably in the 19th century.
Speaker 2:
[09:49] Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[09:50] People just left their dead horse to rot and no one cared.
Speaker 2:
[09:53] Humans too.
Speaker 3:
[09:54] But then there started to be roads.
Speaker 1:
[09:56] Yeah, that is what happened.
Speaker 2:
[09:57] Eventually people are like, all right, look, we actually have to figure this shit out. This is crazy.
Speaker 3:
[10:01] There's too many dead horses in Fort Collins.
Speaker 1:
[10:03] They must have died from some sort of illness. Otherwise they'd eat it.
Speaker 4:
[10:08] Hiccups probably.
Speaker 1:
[10:09] Hiccups?
Speaker 4:
[10:09] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[10:10] That's a crazy pitch. Crazy pitch.
Speaker 4:
[10:13] That's just what I think it was.
Speaker 3:
[10:14] The horse died of hiccups? Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 1:
[10:16] We're all waiting for more context and I'll tell you, Dave Ross, as the guy you see him, none is coming.
Speaker 4:
[10:22] No, there doesn't need to be.
Speaker 1:
[10:24] He's not like opening his mouth and we're cutting him off. He's like done talking.
Speaker 4:
[10:27] Well, you don't know that 30% of horses from hiccups is a problem.
Speaker 1:
[10:30] What are you doing and why are you doing it?
Speaker 4:
[10:32] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[10:33] I need you to go through your process. Remember when we talked, you put both your feet down, ground yourself, try to figure out what you're talking about. We're in one of those.
Speaker 4:
[10:41] And for a horse, that's it.
Speaker 3:
[10:42] Wow. We're in like a public speaking class now for Dave Anthony. I also, we're at a point where I just can't really even hear Dave. So I'm like, is anyone else there?
Speaker 4:
[10:55] I can't hear me.
Speaker 3:
[10:55] Has Gareth?
Speaker 1:
[10:57] Yeah, there's no other Dave's AI.
Speaker 3:
[11:02] Oh, yeah. Well, it's about time comedians started being AI.
Speaker 1:
[11:05] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[11:06] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[11:08] I, man, the hiccups. Yeah, dude. I mean, I suppose if a horse had the hiccups, I would want to beat it to death.
Speaker 4:
[11:14] Thank you.
Speaker 3:
[11:15] You know, that's like kind of annoying.
Speaker 1:
[11:18] By the way, Dave's hiccup bit kind of beaten a dead horse.
Speaker 4:
[11:22] It's legal.
Speaker 3:
[11:23] That's a good point.
Speaker 4:
[11:24] It's legal to beat a horse with hiccups of death.
Speaker 1:
[11:26] That is a craze. That, by the way, that does sound something like a, you know, do mayor would say.
Speaker 3:
[11:31] Now, hold on.
Speaker 2:
[11:33] If the horse is hiccuping, you should be allowed to beat it.
Speaker 1:
[11:37] Your honor.
Speaker 2:
[11:40] All right.
Speaker 3:
[11:40] Oh, man. Yeah, absolutely. Especially in Colorado. It sounds like you can do that shit in Colorado.
Speaker 2:
[11:46] Oh, yeah. All right.
Speaker 3:
[11:47] Wait, so what happens?
Speaker 4:
[11:48] Here's the story.
Speaker 3:
[11:49] It's just an article about a man.
Speaker 4:
[11:50] There's not a lot of jail.
Speaker 1:
[11:52] I can see it's not a big one, but let's see how well we got here.
Speaker 4:
[11:55] Jacob Shamir was arrested Tuesday, charged with failing to bury a dead horse. The case was continued until July 1st.
Speaker 1:
[12:03] I like how you were like, let me get the details out. We don't have it. That's it.
Speaker 4:
[12:13] He really broke it down for it.
Speaker 1:
[12:14] Oh, now what close?
Speaker 4:
[12:19] I'm assuming it just fell over dead, or else the story would be like, it broke his leg and they put him down. Like they would give you something.
Speaker 1:
[12:26] Yeah, no, the horse died of some, yeah. That's why I'm saying they probably didn't eat it.
Speaker 3:
[12:30] I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[12:32] Well, we'll figure it out, because the article was one paragraph.
Speaker 3:
[12:37] Where did you find this article?
Speaker 4:
[12:39] Well, we didn't, our guy found it, Preston, but it's in the Fort Collins Express. Oh, it's like from, yeah, it's, you know.
Speaker 1:
[12:47] It's the biggest story of part one.
Speaker 4:
[12:50] It's a great story.
Speaker 1:
[12:51] It's really not.
Speaker 3:
[12:52] Yeah. Well, I'm going to have some words with Preston about this.
Speaker 1:
[12:54] We all should. Yeah, but it's not a good story.
Speaker 4:
[12:58] How many people first did eat their horse?
Speaker 1:
[13:01] We don't have the metrics or the analytics on that, but I'll get them to you soon.
Speaker 3:
[13:04] Yeah, you said that earlier, Gareth. Was that a common thing that the horse dies of natural, or like a nod of an illness? And so we eat it.
Speaker 1:
[13:11] But I'm just thinking back then.
Speaker 4:
[13:14] Why wouldn't you?
Speaker 1:
[13:15] Why? What the? What are they doing?
Speaker 4:
[13:16] Everyone's because meat wasn't like really super calm.
Speaker 3:
[13:19] But in 1811, it wasn't like the dark ages. They, you know, they had lots of food.
Speaker 1:
[13:26] Yeah, but I mean, well, we might have had this in 10 years or I guess in 20 years, we would be eating horse ass if we wanted. But I would just imagine that, I mean, there's people who's like Joe Rogan eats horse and he's doing good.
Speaker 4:
[13:42] What?
Speaker 2:
[13:42] What?
Speaker 3:
[13:45] Man, he is doing good.
Speaker 1:
[13:48] What, man, he's got a fridge full of elk.
Speaker 4:
[13:50] Okay, here, I looked up, did cowboys eat? That's true.
Speaker 1:
[13:53] Did cowboys eat horses?
Speaker 3:
[13:54] Here we go.
Speaker 4:
[13:54] Of course, this is AI, so who the fuck knows, but Americans historically viewed horses as pets or working partners, avoiding their consumption similar to dogs or cats. Horse meat was only consumed under extreme circumstances, like starvation, they had a lot of, they were cowboys, so they had a lot of cattle. And then while some reports suggest horse meat was eaten in the US during food shortage, just like the Civil War, this was not part of the daily cowboy diet. So, yeah, they probably didn't need to eat it, so when their horse died, they probably just buried it. I'd set it on fire.
Speaker 1:
[14:31] Good to talk to you.
Speaker 3:
[14:33] Yeah, totally.
Speaker 4:
[14:34] Yeah, but why not?
Speaker 1:
[14:35] Because I guess you would set it up, but then, by the way, if you set it on fire, then you're like, oh, it's got a good smell.
Speaker 3:
[14:42] Now there's a...
Speaker 1:
[14:42] Get in there real quick, grab that leg.
Speaker 3:
[14:47] That's a good point, dude. Burying a horse, a roasted horse sounds good.
Speaker 1:
[14:50] Then you don't talk about that part of cremation, when you're like, oh, that smells great. What, man, a little barbecue sauce, you kidding me?
Speaker 4:
[14:57] What is that, glattis?
Speaker 1:
[14:58] A little barbecue sauce, a little sage rub.
Speaker 4:
[15:02] I'm just saying to bury a horse, you got to make a big fucking pit. And that's back then, 1911.
Speaker 3:
[15:08] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[15:08] Weird about this conversation. I think it's over and we're still talking about it.
Speaker 3:
[15:14] And yeah, that's a throw.
Speaker 4:
[15:16] I got it. Throw it in the meeting and go ahead, throw the horse.
Speaker 3:
[15:19] We're beating a dead horse. Absolutely. Yeah, the horse has been beaten to death.
Speaker 4:
[15:24] Small boy, pistol and cigarettes, not good company.
Speaker 1:
[15:28] Huh, okay.
Speaker 3:
[15:32] Is that the headline? Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[15:34] And I agree with it.
Speaker 3:
[15:36] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[15:36] I'm, the jury's out in my opinion.
Speaker 4:
[15:38] Oh, jury's out?
Speaker 3:
[15:39] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[15:40] Desiring, evidently, to help swell the noise over the victory of the Aggies, a 13 year old boy named Payne on-
Speaker 1:
[15:52] Naming your kid Payne is great.
Speaker 4:
[15:54] On Loomis Street.
Speaker 1:
[15:55] I named him after what he did to my vagina.
Speaker 3:
[15:59] Yeah, dude.
Speaker 4:
[16:01] Living on Loomis Street, put a small size pistol in his pocket Saturday night.
Speaker 1:
[16:05] So this kid was upset with people cheering over an Aggies win, so he just fired his pistol.
Speaker 2:
[16:11] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[16:13] How old was Payne?
Speaker 4:
[16:14] 13.
Speaker 3:
[16:16] So 13 year old kid named Payne had a gun.
Speaker 4:
[16:18] That's right.
Speaker 1:
[16:20] Upset with an Aggie.
Speaker 3:
[16:20] Mad about football.
Speaker 1:
[16:23] So he just went out there.
Speaker 3:
[16:24] This is the most American shit I've ever heard in my life.
Speaker 4:
[16:26] He put it in his pocket and it exploded when he didn't want it to.
Speaker 1:
[16:30] Oh, he pulled the plexiglass burst.
Speaker 4:
[16:32] The gun didn't explode.
Speaker 1:
[16:33] The gun went off.
Speaker 4:
[16:34] Yeah, because usually you want you do you want your gun to explode.
Speaker 1:
[16:37] That sounds like how another younger child would explain what happened. And then it got exploded and exploded. He put the pistol and exploded.
Speaker 4:
[16:47] It burned a hole in the child.
Speaker 1:
[16:49] Oh, there we go. What about I love our talk about what it did to the trousers? How about the boy underneath?
Speaker 3:
[16:56] What did it do to the kid?
Speaker 1:
[16:57] How about was pain in the agony?
Speaker 3:
[17:01] There we go. Did pain die? Is pain? Well, he's not really dead now, but it can't be great. Yeah, but it might have done it hit pain anywhere.
Speaker 4:
[17:12] Yeah, but it might have done more damage and to make sure that it wouldn't. The sheriff would leave the lad of his toy. Oh, it's a toy gun. Well, it says toy in parentheses, so maybe you mean quotes, quotes, but it didn't quote. So maybe. OK, pain was standing.
Speaker 3:
[17:28] It's probably a real gun.
Speaker 4:
[17:30] Yeah, I think it is. Pain was standing on North College Saturday night about eight o'clock and was flourishing the first second.
Speaker 1:
[17:38] Talk about how great it is for a 13 year old boy to be on the street at eight p.m. alone with a gun, with a gun, totally with a gun.
Speaker 4:
[17:45] Well, he's celebrating the win.
Speaker 3:
[17:47] Different times.
Speaker 1:
[17:47] He's angry about the win.
Speaker 4:
[17:50] He's upset about the noise to help swell the noise.
Speaker 1:
[17:55] So that means he's part of it.
Speaker 3:
[17:57] OK, yeah, he was out there to fire the gun in celebration.
Speaker 2:
[18:01] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[18:01] And then the gun fired him.
Speaker 3:
[18:03] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[18:03] OK.
Speaker 3:
[18:05] Simpler times.
Speaker 2:
[18:06] You know, this was better.
Speaker 4:
[18:07] The gun was a 20.
Speaker 3:
[18:08] Yeah, dude.
Speaker 4:
[18:09] Not a 22 was a rifle.
Speaker 2:
[18:12] I agree.
Speaker 4:
[18:14] I don't know anything about those caliber.
Speaker 3:
[18:15] His big pockets. They had really big pockets back then. Yeah, a skink of jeans.
Speaker 4:
[18:20] It was down by his side. Just as Sheriff Carlott and Deputy Pindell were passing, the boy put it into his pocket, but forgot to take his finger off the trigger and the gun exploded.
Speaker 1:
[18:30] Just as the two sounds like what the pitches on the Charlie Kirk.
Speaker 3:
[18:33] Who wrote this?
Speaker 4:
[18:34] Who says that the gun exploded? This is the craziest description I've ever heard.
Speaker 3:
[18:40] I will say, look, no shade to Fort Collins, but even right now, their newspaper is not going to be the best in the world. And I think in 1911, maybe the journalists at the Fort Collins, what's it called? Weekly Review?
Speaker 1:
[18:56] Weekly Express. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:
[18:58] I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:
[18:58] I agree with you. If you went to Fort Collins now, you'd be like, you have enough for a paper?
Speaker 3:
[19:05] Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2:
[19:06] Don't say wow.
Speaker 4:
[19:07] For a town that you guys love.
Speaker 2:
[19:09] That's what we love about it.
Speaker 1:
[19:10] I love Fort Collins so much, I actually never tried to say how good it is. And that's I try to presume.
Speaker 3:
[19:16] It's so good. Here's a fun fact. You know, the Silver Grill Cafe. Have you been there in Fort Collins? It's like a great breakfast place. My cousin Ezra works over the overnight shift there making the croissants.
Speaker 2:
[19:30] Whoa.
Speaker 3:
[19:31] And they're really good.
Speaker 2:
[19:31] Whoa.
Speaker 3:
[19:32] Yeah, dude.
Speaker 1:
[19:33] What about Mountain Misty, Mountain Bakery?
Speaker 4:
[19:37] Let me just say something. If I'm a croissant maker, I weigh 500 pounds.
Speaker 3:
[19:43] Easily. I know, dude.
Speaker 2:
[19:44] This is a riddle.
Speaker 1:
[19:45] Let him.
Speaker 3:
[19:45] I know.
Speaker 1:
[19:47] I'm a croissant maker.
Speaker 2:
[19:48] I weigh 500 pounds.
Speaker 4:
[19:50] I'm never not eating croissants. I am enormous.
Speaker 1:
[19:54] May I just come in? Have you made any?
Speaker 2:
[19:56] Uh, uh, I had a tough shift. Some of the machinery backed up on me.
Speaker 4:
[20:03] Croissants are fucking magical.
Speaker 1:
[20:05] Mary's Mountain Cookies.
Speaker 4:
[20:06] Amazing.
Speaker 3:
[20:07] They are.
Speaker 1:
[20:07] Croissant is great.
Speaker 3:
[20:09] As far as I can tell, this is also what would be true about Gareth if he just owned a horse.
Speaker 4:
[20:14] Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2:
[20:16] Very true.
Speaker 3:
[20:19] Where's the most eating horses talk I've ever had in my life?
Speaker 2:
[20:22] She's a she passed away from getting. Yeah, being made in the tacos.
Speaker 4:
[20:36] OK, so two cops are maybe the kid.
Speaker 3:
[20:40] Oh, hold on a minute. Maybe pain. The gun shot the horse, you know. Maybe these are the same story.
Speaker 1:
[20:47] The considering we only have two sentences on the first story. Maybe your cousin killed it.
Speaker 4:
[20:59] OK, so maybe two cops are passing. He puts in his pocket.
Speaker 2:
[21:03] Yeah, it goes off.
Speaker 4:
[21:04] The sheriff says he unloaded it and handed it back to the boy and was about to tell him to take it home when the lad changed a cigarette from one hand to the other to take the gun.
Speaker 2:
[21:17] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[21:17] So the cigarette was the cops like, all right, this is this is crazy.
Speaker 2:
[21:21] This is nuts.
Speaker 3:
[21:23] I remember when I was a 13 year old kid.
Speaker 1:
[21:25] I remember I used to smoke when I was like, I mean, sometimes I would like be smoking at like, I don't know, 13 in public. And I mean, I, and I looked so young at my age. I remember people genuinely going like, that is a nine year old. Like, I remember people walking by me like, that's fucking, look at this. That's fucking great. And I'd be like, whatever.
Speaker 3:
[21:52] Yeah, this is wild, dude. It's a 13 year old kid smoking cigarettes with a gun in his pocket, dealing with the cops. This is like a scene from The Wire.
Speaker 1:
[22:02] When the cop is like, all right, get out of here. The kid's like, oh, switch hands. He's like, you know what? Put your hands behind your back. This is crazy.
Speaker 3:
[22:11] The sheriff decided that meanwhile, the guy writing the article about this is like a baby who's like gone, exploded, fired, might have been a boom boom.
Speaker 1:
[22:22] Then he took fire from his hand.
Speaker 4:
[22:24] The sheriff decided that the cigarettes and gun didn't go together, so he took the firearm. When the officers moved up the street, the lad approached the sheriff and accordingly to the latter, wanted to know if he couldn't be, quote, fixed up.
Speaker 1:
[22:38] The kid?
Speaker 4:
[22:39] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[22:39] Is that like from a like, was that me? From a medical standpoint?
Speaker 4:
[22:43] Maybe he wants the gun back.
Speaker 1:
[22:45] Is that what he's talking about? Is he either talking about giving him the gun, money, his burns that surely exist or rehabbing his attitude on his leg?
Speaker 4:
[22:54] I'm betting.
Speaker 3:
[22:54] Or maybe he wanted them to sew the hole in his pants.
Speaker 4:
[22:58] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[22:58] The fix my paint hole.
Speaker 1:
[23:00] I don't know. What's crazy about this story is it has more words than the first one and the same amount of closure.
Speaker 3:
[23:08] Yeah, I don't. This is by the way, I don't trust the writers.
Speaker 1:
[23:11] The paper is called Part One. All it is is set up. I don't get anywhere like what happened. Well, you got to buy the night paper, the night paper. You put the night paper on top of the day paper. You got yourself an article.
Speaker 3:
[23:28] Tomorrow we'll let you know if the kid's dead and if the horse is buried.
Speaker 2:
[23:31] Tune in to part two of the new paper.
Speaker 3:
[23:36] Does it say part one, like under the name of the paper?
Speaker 1:
[23:39] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[23:39] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[23:40] Like where it would say addition number, it says part one.
Speaker 4:
[23:44] Mark Cumming.
Speaker 3:
[23:45] Bonkers, dude.
Speaker 2:
[23:46] Say it's a setup.
Speaker 4:
[23:49] Hubby gives wife home.
Speaker 1:
[23:51] The next paper is The Force Awakens.
Speaker 2:
[23:52] Go ahead.
Speaker 4:
[23:53] Hubby gives wife home and now he sleeps in barn.
Speaker 1:
[23:57] Hubby gives wife home.
Speaker 4:
[23:58] Hey, I'm married. I get it.
Speaker 1:
[24:03] What's going on? You okay?
Speaker 3:
[24:05] He gave his house to his wife and he sleeps in the barn? Is that what happened?
Speaker 4:
[24:09] You don't marriage.
Speaker 2:
[24:11] It's either that or tell her I the horse.
Speaker 3:
[24:13] That's right.
Speaker 4:
[24:19] After deeding his home to his wife and returned for love and affection, James Gough, who filed suit today to regain the property, alleges he was driven out of the house and compelled to sleep in the barn.
Speaker 1:
[24:31] So this guy gives the wife the house because she fucks him. And then after she probably stopped fucking him, he was like, I want my house back. And he goes public with what happened.
Speaker 4:
[24:42] That sounds exactly right.
Speaker 1:
[24:43] Okay.
Speaker 4:
[24:45] To add to the indicted...
Speaker 3:
[24:46] This newspaper is blowing my mind.
Speaker 1:
[24:48] It's a strange newspaper is what it is.
Speaker 4:
[24:51] The indicted and heaped upon him got charges that soon after he began occupying the barn as sleeping quarters, he received a communication from his wife to the effect that he must either vacate the barn or pay a $10 a month rental.
Speaker 1:
[25:07] Oh man, that was where he was like, that's it. You ain't charging me rent money for my barn life.
Speaker 3:
[25:15] The thing that's confusing me about this is they are throughout this entire process still married, right?
Speaker 2:
[25:22] Yes.
Speaker 3:
[25:23] Like if you're married, I mean, but I don't know a lot about marriage.
Speaker 1:
[25:27] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[25:28] But don't you share your very hard possession.
Speaker 1:
[25:33] It's hard to get divorced, but this guy, it feels like this guy was like, was like, it's going really good.
Speaker 2:
[25:40] She just says, I have to live outside, but it's good.
Speaker 1:
[25:44] Like I've had friends where they're like talking about a situation. I'm like, this is not, you know, they're like, now I just got to figure out how to get a 10 grand, bing, bang boom, we're back. You're like, it's not great.
Speaker 3:
[25:56] Right.
Speaker 4:
[25:58] This is missing the woman's side of the story, which is probably the big part here, like whatever he was doing.
Speaker 3:
[26:06] Yeah, I would say.
Speaker 1:
[26:08] I think any man who agree to live in the barn is the cuck.
Speaker 4:
[26:14] I'm saying he might not have agreed to, might have been kicked out of the house. Her story.
Speaker 1:
[26:18] In 1911, you'd be like, me?
Speaker 2:
[26:20] You go live in the barn with the animal. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[26:24] It was all tilted in this direction.
Speaker 3:
[26:27] This also could be the fault of the journalist again, because the language is weird. It's like he gave his house to his wife. What does that even mean? Dude, I don't even.
Speaker 1:
[26:38] This paper is nothing but puzzles. There is never one article yet where I've been like, ah, that was satisfying. Every one of them. I'm like, who is everybody? What is happening? And why am I hearing it?
Speaker 4:
[26:52] That'd be great to know. I'll give you a paper of what is happening.
Speaker 1:
[26:55] What is happening? So what is happening?
Speaker 3:
[26:57] What is happening? Part one. What is happening, part one?
Speaker 4:
[27:03] Okay.
Speaker 3:
[27:03] Next week, what's happening?
Speaker 1:
[27:05] Okay.
Speaker 4:
[27:06] So that was too much for Gaut and as he had deeded the property to his wife during her good behavior, he now asked the court to declare him owner and master of his house.
Speaker 1:
[27:18] Well, I mean, what a fucking idiot.
Speaker 2:
[27:20] Shit, you're out of shit.
Speaker 3:
[27:21] Yeah, fuck him.
Speaker 1:
[27:23] I have a signed deed.
Speaker 2:
[27:25] Well, that was an error.
Speaker 4:
[27:27] Well, that was when you were good and you were fucking me.
Speaker 1:
[27:30] Oh, man.
Speaker 4:
[27:31] Now you're bad.
Speaker 2:
[27:32] By the way, living in a barn.
Speaker 3:
[27:33] I'm so confused, dude.
Speaker 2:
[27:37] the pigs.
Speaker 3:
[27:38] The horse is talking about now.
Speaker 4:
[27:40] Nobody knows.
Speaker 3:
[27:40] Yeah, the horses. You can eat the horse. So I thought it's everywhere.
Speaker 1:
[27:44] And I come into the main house.
Speaker 4:
[27:45] The horse wasn't dead.
Speaker 3:
[27:47] Oh, it was sleeping.
Speaker 2:
[27:49] Oh, no, standing up.
Speaker 3:
[27:54] OK, now I'm starting to think maybe the kid with the gun is their son. Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:
[27:59] So son shot a horse dead and born.
Speaker 3:
[28:03] Yeah, the dad gave the gun to the son to celebrate the football game and he shot the horse dead. And then the wife is mad at the dad for giving the yes. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[28:13] I can't wait to see this fourth article.
Speaker 2:
[28:15] See how this ties in.
Speaker 1:
[28:16] By the way, I got eyes on this fourth article. Not long, not long.
Speaker 3:
[28:21] I can't wait.
Speaker 4:
[28:22] 60% of college men declared immoral.
Speaker 2:
[28:27] I don't think I need too much more.
Speaker 1:
[28:29] I think I'm actually just going to see the other one.
Speaker 3:
[28:30] Here we go, dude. This is my god. What's the context? Yeah, truly.
Speaker 1:
[28:38] Duke University was like, why so low?
Speaker 4:
[28:41] Speaking on social purity before the Parents and Teachers Club, Dr. Emma A. Drake of the State Normal School said, I'm from the normal school. Quote, nearly 60% of the men attending the colleges of this country are leading immoral lives.
Speaker 2:
[28:59] That's it.
Speaker 4:
[28:59] It's just a quote from a from a teacher.
Speaker 2:
[29:02] By the way, I think she's right.
Speaker 4:
[29:04] She's right.
Speaker 3:
[29:04] What's an immoral life?
Speaker 4:
[29:06] Oh, man, what are you doing?
Speaker 3:
[29:08] Like you you kill people.
Speaker 1:
[29:09] Eleven sixty percent of college booze and smoke and fornicating.
Speaker 4:
[29:14] Yeah, this is about booze. This is about getting drunk and boozing.
Speaker 3:
[29:17] Yeah, it's immoral. Got it.
Speaker 1:
[29:19] OK, immoral. Looking at skirts. There is a whole second ankles kissing knees.
Speaker 3:
[29:24] What?
Speaker 1:
[29:24] You know what I mean?
Speaker 3:
[29:25] Sucking ankle.
Speaker 2:
[29:26] Yeah. The whole.
Speaker 3:
[29:27] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[29:27] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[29:28] Getting a toe up the butt.
Speaker 3:
[29:29] I love sucking on ankles.
Speaker 1:
[29:30] Oh, my God. I love an ankle suck. I kiss a knee. I get a big fan.
Speaker 3:
[29:35] It's honestly the only thing I want.
Speaker 1:
[29:37] I told the lady to wear me like a slipper. All of a sudden, I'm going to get out of college. Next thing you know, I'm the professor.
Speaker 3:
[29:46] I have a lot of sympathy with these college kids, man. I've been sucking on ankles since before I was, you know, when I was 13.
Speaker 1:
[29:53] Buddy.
Speaker 3:
[29:53] Firing guns in the streets.
Speaker 1:
[29:56] I wear a ladies' high heel the old fashion way.
Speaker 4:
[30:00] What?
Speaker 1:
[30:00] Groin.
Speaker 3:
[30:01] In my mouth.
Speaker 1:
[30:02] In my mouth, heel in my mouth.
Speaker 4:
[30:04] You have a fucking ankle?
Speaker 2:
[30:05] Yes.
Speaker 4:
[30:07] Girl makes rope of sheets to get away from jail.
Speaker 1:
[30:11] And this is the first time that happened.
Speaker 3:
[30:12] Here we go.
Speaker 2:
[30:13] They were like.
Speaker 3:
[30:14] That was so awesome, dude.
Speaker 4:
[30:16] Shit, how'd she do that?
Speaker 2:
[30:16] Oh, that was a good idea.
Speaker 1:
[30:18] She just knotted those sheets together.
Speaker 4:
[30:20] That's why she asked for 14 sheets.
Speaker 1:
[30:22] Could I have turnover service again, but don't take the old ones? Why, of course, by the way, jail is fair.
Speaker 3:
[30:31] I think this newspaper is an old man's dream, and he made up all of these fucking articles, dude. By the way, a lot of what was Collins like in 19? Yeah, dude, every this is just going. It's painting a picture of Fort Collins, Colorado, which, by the way, in 1911, probably had a population of 750 people.
Speaker 1:
[30:55] I think the population now is like a thousand. It was probably two guys. I saw a lady go out of a jail with a rope.
Speaker 2:
[31:02] Well, it was sheets.
Speaker 3:
[31:04] Yeah, dude, this guy, the newspaper is a porch and the guy sits on it. And he's like, well, look at that. She's leaving the jail.
Speaker 2:
[31:11] They left the horse there.
Speaker 1:
[31:12] They didn't do anything.
Speaker 4:
[31:14] Alice Rombley.
Speaker 1:
[31:16] Alice Rombley.
Speaker 4:
[31:18] Thumbly.
Speaker 2:
[31:19] Made up.
Speaker 4:
[31:20] A six-year-old girl, tramp, of Rapid City, South Dakota.
Speaker 1:
[31:25] Easy, let's just stick to the article.
Speaker 4:
[31:28] Who was arrested here a few days ago and is being held to await the arrival of the South Dakota Sheriff, made an attempt to escape from the prison in the courthouse this morning. They left the rope, one end of which she tied to the bed stand and the other she dropped out of the window.
Speaker 1:
[31:51] I love how like the idea that you have to read this to my God.
Speaker 4:
[31:54] Well, how the hell did she escape with the rope made out of sheet?
Speaker 1:
[31:58] We know what it is with the papers like now.
Speaker 2:
[31:59] Hold on.
Speaker 1:
[32:00] I bet you're wondering where the other end was. She put it around the bed.
Speaker 4:
[32:02] Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 1:
[32:05] You never heard of anything like that.
Speaker 2:
[32:10] That's funny. You never heard of anything like that.
Speaker 3:
[32:12] Also, this is showing. This is saying basically that there were no bars on the window. Yeah, it was just a window, just a window.
Speaker 1:
[32:21] Yeah, it is the way the modern prison designed is through a series of corrections. People who are able to get out. You know what I mean? They're eventually going to put bars on the windows.
Speaker 3:
[32:35] Oh, my God, they can climb out the window. We did not think of that.
Speaker 1:
[32:37] Christ, they dug under the fence.
Speaker 4:
[32:42] She, well, she slid down and within about 15 feet of the ground, the rope broke and she fell. Oh, Deputy Sheriff Roach heard the noise of the fall and ran out.
Speaker 2:
[32:54] That's a bad fall.
Speaker 4:
[32:55] Thumbly was slowly limping away. She was captured.
Speaker 2:
[32:58] Oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 4:
[33:00] It is feared her injuries will prove fatal as she is in a delicate condition.
Speaker 1:
[33:04] Jesus Christ. Hey, by the way, that's an article. That was an article.
Speaker 3:
[33:12] Oh, that's a good point.
Speaker 1:
[33:13] This woman's going to die.
Speaker 3:
[33:15] We know what happened.
Speaker 1:
[33:16] This woman died from a sheet fall.
Speaker 3:
[33:20] Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1:
[33:21] That's it.
Speaker 3:
[33:22] Yeah. Whoever wrote that article should write the whole paper.
Speaker 1:
[33:24] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[33:25] It's a good point.
Speaker 1:
[33:27] That was a story there.
Speaker 3:
[33:30] Yeah, they were like, there's a woman and here's what she did. And here's what happened at the end.
Speaker 1:
[33:34] You know what I don't love is the chase on the woman who's about to die from her. She was like, hey, hey, he was like, get out.
Speaker 4:
[33:43] I feel like if you do that, you should be allowed.
Speaker 3:
[33:45] Also, was she 60?
Speaker 1:
[33:47] I agree.
Speaker 4:
[33:47] No, she's 16.
Speaker 3:
[33:49] Didn't 16. Okay, this whole time I was picturing an old lady.
Speaker 4:
[33:54] No, she's a 16 year old.
Speaker 1:
[33:56] Oh, she turned into dust when she hit the floor.
Speaker 4:
[34:02] This is a story from London.
Speaker 1:
[34:04] Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:
[34:04] Drown Mormons, cries a priest.
Speaker 1:
[34:07] Let's hear him out.
Speaker 3:
[34:08] Hell yeah, let's go.
Speaker 2:
[34:09] Let's hear him out.
Speaker 4:
[34:11] Drowning was advocated as a fit fate for Mormons by Father Bernard Vaughan, the noted Jesuit, in a sermon devoted to the work of Mormon missionaries in England in sending girls and women to the Mormon states in the United States.
Speaker 1:
[34:29] He's, I mean, he hasn't said a thing that's improper. Everything so far sounds just right.
Speaker 4:
[34:37] Quote, Father, man, we... This is the quote. They should be taken by the scruff of the neck, rushed across our island and dropped into the sea.
Speaker 1:
[34:46] Wow. Scruff of the neck thing is... I mean, that's demoralizing.
Speaker 3:
[34:52] We... It was not that long ago that everyone was really open about their super specific racism. It was like within the last 10 or 15 years that we stopped... You know what I mean? Like in New York City, they would be like, you're Italian and they could just kill you.
Speaker 1:
[35:07] Well, I also do like the idea. I like when in religious circles in 1911, someone's like, your religion is crazy. Like to be able to look at Mormons and be like, you guys are fucking weird and I'm a Christian priest. Get out.
Speaker 3:
[35:25] No shit.
Speaker 1:
[35:26] Crown them.
Speaker 3:
[35:28] Mormonism was pretty new then too, right?
Speaker 1:
[35:31] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[35:31] How crazy is it that Mormonism made it? They really made it through.
Speaker 1:
[35:38] Scientology helped it a lot because it made it look like an ancient religion.
Speaker 4:
[35:42] Yeah, that is fucking every woman to make them have babies.
Speaker 1:
[35:46] Yeah, it is pretty cool. Yeah, it is pretty cool.
Speaker 4:
[35:50] It is pretty cool.
Speaker 1:
[35:51] Now they're in Utah. Now they're into that soda culture. That's their whole thing now.
Speaker 2:
[35:56] They love sodas. What would that mean?
Speaker 1:
[35:58] Yeah, that's like the Mormon. The Mormon vice now is like soda. Like, they go to like, it's almost like they love sodas.
Speaker 4:
[36:06] There's a guy who just goes to BYU and asks the students questions, and you just cannot believe it.
Speaker 2:
[36:11] It has to be.
Speaker 4:
[36:12] Like, you're just like, I thought it, like, I figured they were all faking and that they, in truth, would be like.
Speaker 1:
[36:19] Like, that secretly they'd be like.
Speaker 4:
[36:20] I'm religious, but they're just, it's just fucking nuts.
Speaker 1:
[36:24] So it's called dirty soda.
Speaker 3:
[36:26] I mean, have you seen?
Speaker 1:
[36:27] And they go and they basically mix different sodas and syrups and they're like, this is crazy.
Speaker 4:
[36:32] Oh my God, dude. They talk about that. A lot of soaking.
Speaker 3:
[36:35] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[36:36] A lot of soaking.
Speaker 4:
[36:36] Soaking is also their big thing.
Speaker 3:
[36:38] You know, it's so soaking is so gross, dude.
Speaker 4:
[36:43] No, man. Uh, woman seers face of black hander. This could go really bad.
Speaker 1:
[36:52] I'm nervous.
Speaker 4:
[36:54] This is from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2:
[36:55] All right.
Speaker 4:
[36:56] So black hand means something different.
Speaker 3:
[36:57] More nervous.
Speaker 2:
[36:58] That's Joe Biden's home.
Speaker 1:
[36:59] That's Joe Biden's place.
Speaker 4:
[37:01] That was a big Italian mafia place.
Speaker 1:
[37:04] Okay.
Speaker 4:
[37:05] Went to Italian, supposed to be black hand agents. So mafia. Okay. Black hand agents visited the home of Antonia Piazza in Manuka today.
Speaker 2:
[37:16] Boy, oh boy.
Speaker 4:
[37:17] And it formed Miss Piazza that her husband and her whole family would be annihilated.
Speaker 2:
[37:22] Jesus Christ.
Speaker 4:
[37:23] Holy.
Speaker 1:
[37:25] Leave the Piazza alone.
Speaker 4:
[37:26] Slow it down a little bit.
Speaker 1:
[37:27] We're going to be annihilated.
Speaker 4:
[37:29] Unless she paid $700, they were given a stiff dose of their own medicine. Miss Piazza was ironing the family washing when the men entered.
Speaker 1:
[37:42] It's a tough job.
Speaker 4:
[37:43] And held a flat iron, which she had just taken from the stove.
Speaker 1:
[37:46] Hell yeah.
Speaker 4:
[37:47] No sooner had one of the intruders uttered his threat than the woman bore down upon him and pushed him against the wall with one hand.
Speaker 1:
[37:56] This is the story Home Alone's based on.
Speaker 4:
[38:01] And she pressed the hot iron against his cheek.
Speaker 1:
[38:04] Hell yeah.
Speaker 4:
[38:05] And held it for an instant.
Speaker 1:
[38:06] He probably looked really young after it gets rid of wrinkles.
Speaker 4:
[38:09] In spite of his furious resistance.
Speaker 1:
[38:11] His furious resistance is to an iron being placed on his face. I don't know if you'd call it furious resistance. Now hold on, ma'am. I'm actually going to push back a little here.
Speaker 2:
[38:20] That's unfair.
Speaker 3:
[38:22] Wow.
Speaker 4:
[38:23] What's the other guy doing?
Speaker 3:
[38:24] Damn, dude.
Speaker 1:
[38:25] The other guy's like, I'll go around back, Marv.
Speaker 4:
[38:31] When the iron was removed, both men ran screaming from the house and Mrs. Piazza collapsed.
Speaker 1:
[38:37] Oh, wow. She hanged.
Speaker 3:
[38:39] Oh, yeah, that's tough. That's tough on you, dude.
Speaker 2:
[38:42] It is.
Speaker 3:
[38:43] It's hard to burn a man's face.
Speaker 1:
[38:45] The mob was there a minute ago, now they're running off screaming like, Hey, my vapors.
Speaker 4:
[38:51] She declares that the emperor and iron was plainly visible on the victim's cheek.
Speaker 2:
[38:56] Hell, yeah.
Speaker 4:
[38:57] It is possible that he will carry the scar to his grave. Oh, yeah, they're always going to know who it is.
Speaker 2:
[39:01] Yeah. Are you talking about iron, Johnny?
Speaker 3:
[39:04] Wow.
Speaker 4:
[39:05] That's that.
Speaker 2:
[39:06] All right.
Speaker 4:
[39:07] Good for her.
Speaker 2:
[39:08] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[39:08] How old was this woman?
Speaker 4:
[39:10] It doesn't say. Which is crazy.
Speaker 2:
[39:13] That is.
Speaker 4:
[39:13] Wow.
Speaker 3:
[39:13] OK.
Speaker 2:
[39:14] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[39:14] Normally they tell you the size. Usually be like, boy, she was a 28.
Speaker 1:
[39:19] You'd want a banger if your wife is a looker.
Speaker 3:
[39:26] Man, seven hundred dollars. I feel like I would not act that way at all.
Speaker 4:
[39:33] That's a lot of money.
Speaker 3:
[39:35] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[39:36] A lot of money.
Speaker 1:
[39:36] Good, though.
Speaker 2:
[39:37] Good for.
Speaker 1:
[39:38] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[39:38] It's like eighteen hundred dollars.
Speaker 1:
[39:40] By the way, part of me just thinks about how good ironing was back then, too, if you had it that hot, because I don't know about you guys. Every time I use an iron, I'm sitting here going, what's taking so long? I said it to cotton a minute ago. Why do I have to have this range? Who's who's doing linens? Are you guys listening? And I'm trying out my new irons. You heard it? No. Come on.
Speaker 4:
[40:03] This story's out of, oh, my wild chase.
Speaker 1:
[40:05] Is that the spray or the steam chute? I don't know what I'm doing. Ironing board. I'll tell you.
Speaker 3:
[40:11] Wait, are these stories all in?
Speaker 1:
[40:14] Go ahead.
Speaker 4:
[40:17] It's hard to turn them off.
Speaker 1:
[40:21] Just shut me the butt.
Speaker 3:
[40:22] Are there these are all still in the Fort Collins paper, but they're like stories from other.
Speaker 1:
[40:27] Yeah, they'll start to outsource, especially some are like AP articles.
Speaker 4:
[40:33] Yeah, they were like wires at this point.
Speaker 1:
[40:35] Now there's just some guy who's like, boy, a lot of cool shit happened to other places.
Speaker 3:
[40:40] This is just so wild because 1911, right? Like, what was going on in the world in 1911? Like, I guess what I want to say is I thought that it was just going to be local stories, and that's why it was wacky and wild and about a fucking bearing a horse and a kid firing a gun. But now they're picking stories from the rest of the world that aren't like, we might be at war in Germany in a few years. Yeah. This is just like a wacky paper, I guess is what I'm saying. It is a wacky paper.
Speaker 1:
[41:11] It is a wacky paper. This would be like a website you go on to and you'd be like, I just like that. I get depressed by real news.
Speaker 3:
[41:19] This is FARC. So this is reading farc.com right now.
Speaker 2:
[41:22] Exactly right. Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[41:23] Yeah, I don't know how long World War I went on before we joined.
Speaker 1:
[41:29] Well, we're the closers. We're what we call the endliners of the World Wars.
Speaker 3:
[41:34] Yeah, dude, we definitely finished the wars. Yeah, there's actually we're the openers now.
Speaker 1:
[41:40] Now we are actually by the way, now we're doing one person shows open.
Speaker 3:
[41:46] Yeah, we're the hosts feature. We're the whole fucking show. Yeah, totally. We're oh my God, we do.
Speaker 1:
[41:57] We get an 80 20, but we like negotiate it down to a 50 50. And the club's like, OK.
Speaker 3:
[42:05] Actively promoting our wars as well. That's my favorite. The tweets about the wars. Oh, man, it's going good.
Speaker 4:
[42:13] It's going good.
Speaker 3:
[42:14] Yeah, it's going good. Remember the other day when he said he said he was going to kill everyone in Iran? And then two hours later, he said, You know what? We're going to take a break for two weeks.
Speaker 1:
[42:23] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's 48 hours, two days or two weeks. That's what he works. He's working on the scale of two. He loves it. He's like, you have two days and nobody does anything.
Speaker 2:
[42:33] He goes, you got two weeks.
Speaker 3:
[42:36] Hurry up. You got two weeks.
Speaker 1:
[42:38] Now you got two months.
Speaker 4:
[42:40] It's just, it's just for the...
Speaker 2:
[42:41] My dad just told me I got two years.
Speaker 4:
[42:43] It's just so they can buy stuff.
Speaker 1:
[42:45] Yeah, it is. The more you see it, everything... Say Trump always chickens out, but it's really, Trump always profits greatly.
Speaker 4:
[42:51] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[42:53] Yeah, dude.
Speaker 4:
[42:54] You can have mine. Wild Chase for Baby.
Speaker 1:
[42:57] Been there.
Speaker 3:
[42:59] Here we go.
Speaker 1:
[42:59] Been there?
Speaker 3:
[43:00] Hell yeah, me too, man.
Speaker 4:
[43:01] This is the Omaha story.
Speaker 3:
[43:02] Baby's my wife.
Speaker 4:
[43:05] A special train to the Union Pacific Railroad faced halfway across Nebraska yesterday, race, sorry, raced halfway across Nebraska yesterday in order that Miss Harlan G. Hollister of Elmira, New York, might overtake her six month old baby, which by mistake had been placed on a train, which got out of the station before the mistake was discovered.
Speaker 1:
[43:29] That happens. And by the way, to the author of the article, even though they've passed, we don't need to know how that mistake happened. That's not a big mistake. A baby ended up on a train alone, and we're gonna go.
Speaker 3:
[43:41] Obviously, everyone knows.
Speaker 1:
[43:43] Let's move forward with the story.
Speaker 3:
[43:47] One of the more common events in humanity, absolutely, we all get it.
Speaker 1:
[43:51] Well, we all left our baby on a train and gotten off.
Speaker 3:
[43:54] Ticket. Totally.
Speaker 1:
[43:55] A ticket right here?
Speaker 3:
[43:58] Actually, the wording makes it sound like she wasn't on the train. And she put the baby on the train.
Speaker 1:
[44:03] I believe that's what happened.
Speaker 4:
[44:04] I'm guessing she put the baby on the train and then went to get more stuff and the train left.
Speaker 1:
[44:08] All right. Well, now that the baby's there, I'm gonna go buy some bread.
Speaker 4:
[44:16] Or maybe someone else took the baby.
Speaker 2:
[44:18] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[44:19] I don't know. The railroad made a extra charge for the special.
Speaker 2:
[44:25] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[44:25] How cool is the railroad? And by the way, we're not charging the baby.
Speaker 4:
[44:31] It's a special train together to chase the other.
Speaker 2:
[44:34] Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:
[44:35] I thought they were like bragging about the idea that they're like, and we've decided to wave the fair. We're not going to be bricks on that. Oh, man.
Speaker 3:
[44:48] Despite being a stowaway, the baby will not be going to jail.
Speaker 2:
[44:51] You see, in many ways, it's a baby.
Speaker 1:
[44:56] It didn't know what was happening, and we realized that. So the baby will not be charged the fair.
Speaker 4:
[45:06] Mrs. Hollister said, sorry, Mrs. Hollister.
Speaker 1:
[45:10] We'll be killed.
Speaker 4:
[45:11] Mrs. Hollister, baby arrived at Omaha on a train from the east. She was bound for Colorado to join her husband, who was in Denver. When the baby reached Omaha. Sorry, I don't know why I'm so off. When the train reached Omaha, the baby was sleeping and Mrs. Hollister placed her on a cushion and went into the next car to talk to some friends. 15 minutes later.
Speaker 3:
[45:38] What the fuck is this?
Speaker 4:
[45:41] 15 minutes later, when she started to return, she discovered that the car was missing. So they detached the car.
Speaker 1:
[45:46] Oh my God. So she's like, by the way, weird move to just like, I mean, obviously it's a different time and everything. But to just stop, but to just lay a baby down and be like, now to socialize. In the back car. So she's probably went to the booze car, she's hanging out there, then she comes back, she's like, wait, where's the train? That train went to Omaha.
Speaker 4:
[46:07] I think it's fine to lay the baby down. The train car.
Speaker 1:
[46:10] It's weird.
Speaker 4:
[46:13] Inquiry.
Speaker 3:
[46:14] If the baby's sleeping. The thing that, yeah, Gareth, I think the thing you're not understanding is that sometimes you really want to be drunk instead of sober.
Speaker 4:
[46:23] Thank you.
Speaker 3:
[46:24] You know? So you leave the baby sleeping.
Speaker 1:
[46:28] Yes.
Speaker 4:
[46:28] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[46:30] Yeah. And the baby's sleeping and then you can go sleep pretty deep all the time. That's right. Yeah. This does make sense.
Speaker 3:
[46:40] What I don't understand. I will say, yeah, you should keep your baby with you. But it's not that I wouldn't be that surprised if a lot of people put their baby down and go to a neighboring car. Why did the train split that is while she was in another decision?
Speaker 1:
[46:55] So yeah, the guy was like, well, there's like, maybe. All right.
Speaker 2:
[46:59] Separate the car.
Speaker 4:
[47:02] Is it OK to separate the car? Yes, there's only one baby in there.
Speaker 1:
[47:05] Yes, go ahead. I suppose there could be some strange situation, but it's highly unlikely. This baby just is doing a blog.
Speaker 3:
[47:16] And also, what do you separate drink cars? Doesn't like the way the one that's not attached to the engine just stop? Like what? What happened? I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[47:25] Yeah, we're going to leave the dining cart here to die.
Speaker 4:
[47:31] I would imagine that they were stopped somewhere and then they were at like a station.
Speaker 1:
[47:38] And I don't know how you make that. And I mean, the ladies and gentlemen, just so you know, the dining cart will not be going any further and the train to Omaha is going to be separated from the dining cart and leaving.
Speaker 3:
[47:53] Now, I think that I think that really what's happening here is that they just let anyone write any article because like this story should be this is audience submitted this. You're not going to believe this. A train split in half on the way to Omaha. Like that's the story, isn't it? That is the story. They were the psychotic train conductor was like, fuck the back half.
Speaker 2:
[48:22] it.
Speaker 3:
[48:23] We're going forward and they're staying here.
Speaker 1:
[48:25] Losing his mind.
Speaker 3:
[48:25] In Des Moines.
Speaker 2:
[48:26] The back half's been bringing the train down the whole time. Sir, the back of the train.
Speaker 3:
[48:31] My wife's back there.
Speaker 2:
[48:32] The caboose, we gotta cut the caboose loose.
Speaker 4:
[48:35] So, inquiry among the depot officials disclosed that the train had been cut into and the car with the sleeping babe had started for Frisco 10 minutes before the loss was discovered. So, she's going to Colorado.
Speaker 1:
[48:52] Right, Denver. And the baby's car was gonna go to Frisco.
Speaker 4:
[48:57] So, it is going to Frisco.
Speaker 2:
[48:58] I thought it went up in Omaha.
Speaker 1:
[49:01] Well, not on the way.
Speaker 4:
[49:04] Well, yeah, one car.
Speaker 3:
[49:06] Why didn't the train stop and go back?
Speaker 1:
[49:08] And the baby car goes to Frisco.
Speaker 4:
[49:10] Yeah, and then her car and her train is going to Omaha, to Denver, eventually to Omaha. I think it's Denver.
Speaker 1:
[49:17] Okay.
Speaker 4:
[49:19] So, it arrived in Omaha.
Speaker 3:
[49:20] They didn't. Uh-huh. And then did they know in Omaha?
Speaker 4:
[49:26] It happened in Omaha.
Speaker 1:
[49:27] Okay, in Omaha, going to Denver and Frisco.
Speaker 4:
[49:29] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[49:30] I mean, I get it a little more. I still don't understand, but I don't care to ask any more questions.
Speaker 2:
[49:36] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[49:36] Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[49:37] Miss Hollister was placed aboard the special and a record run was made to Grand Junction where the express had been held one hour when Miss Hollister's special arrived and the child and mother returned. So, all these people are on the train going, why are we fucking delayed?
Speaker 2:
[49:53] Honestly.
Speaker 1:
[49:54] Well, by the way, that 100% would be me. Yeah, I don't care what literally and the empathy when I travel is gone. So if there's any predicament, I don't care. I am just genuinely like, look, you guys shouldn't have had a kid jump.
Speaker 2:
[50:08] Get out of here.
Speaker 1:
[50:09] You're fucking ruining my day.
Speaker 4:
[50:11] I need to get my bag with me, get off the fucking train if you left your baby.
Speaker 3:
[50:15] Wow.
Speaker 2:
[50:16] Yeah, I have my worst.
Speaker 4:
[50:21] The baby was asleep when the mother rushed into the car and grabbed it from the cushion.
Speaker 1:
[50:27] So thank God, it's so asleep, it's not breathing anymore.
Speaker 3:
[50:33] They just keep on writing this article. It just keeps on coming with the details.
Speaker 1:
[50:39] Chugging along.
Speaker 3:
[50:40] The baby was, you're not going to believe this. For the fifth time in this article alone, this baby was asleep.
Speaker 2:
[50:46] And by the way, to be clear, the baby was sleeping.
Speaker 3:
[50:50] The baby was asleep when the mom got there, just so you guys know.
Speaker 1:
[50:53] Did we mention?
Speaker 4:
[50:57] Hair made green, woman brings suit against dresser.
Speaker 3:
[51:00] Yes.
Speaker 4:
[51:00] This is a New York City story.
Speaker 1:
[51:02] Finally, the Joker's origin.
Speaker 4:
[51:04] A suit for $20,000, instituted by Mrs. Adelaine Lewison against a firm of hairdressers was today placed on the calendar of the Supreme Court.
Speaker 1:
[51:17] The Supreme Court's hearing this story.
Speaker 4:
[51:19] Gotta go hard.
Speaker 1:
[51:19] Whoa. Wow.
Speaker 3:
[51:21] Hell yeah, dude.
Speaker 4:
[51:22] Mrs. Lewison said her hair was turned gray.
Speaker 1:
[51:25] Gray, or gray.
Speaker 4:
[51:26] It's just gray.
Speaker 2:
[51:27] Oh, gray.
Speaker 4:
[51:28] In the San Francisco fire, and she.
Speaker 2:
[51:30] Oh, that's how it was set up.
Speaker 4:
[51:31] Oh, right. And she employed the firm to dye it black. She says the dye turned her hair green and caused a rash on her forehead.
Speaker 1:
[51:40] Well, that's a good look, too. I mean, I know you wanted to get the gray out and have it black, but now your hair is green and your head's red. So that's pretty good, too. You just look like an oompa loompa.
Speaker 4:
[51:51] Twenty fucking thousand.
Speaker 3:
[51:53] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[51:53] Twenty thousand dollars for what? This hair?
Speaker 4:
[51:55] Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:
[51:56] In 1911, twenty thousand.
Speaker 3:
[51:58] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[51:59] Just crazy. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[52:01] Man, America used to be very successful.
Speaker 1:
[52:05] Used to mean something.
Speaker 3:
[52:08] That's right. Yeah, her hair is green. We're sending this straight to the top all the way to the Supreme Court.
Speaker 2:
[52:16] You're honest.
Speaker 4:
[52:17] I mean, let's say you get arrested by ICE, though.
Speaker 2:
[52:20] Yeah, that is for sure.
Speaker 4:
[52:23] Devil on the run. Regular services will be held at the Fort Collins City Mission by Reverend Vernon. Meetings held every evening at 730. All welcome. Come and bring others. We are going into a soul saving time and put the devil on the run.
Speaker 1:
[52:39] OK, sure.
Speaker 2:
[52:40] What?
Speaker 1:
[52:42] So this guy's just like, trust me, we got to chase him. It's not a good time to have green hair and red face.
Speaker 2:
[52:49] He's right over there.
Speaker 1:
[52:50] No, no, I just the woman died it wrong.
Speaker 3:
[52:56] Wait. These are related stories.
Speaker 1:
[52:59] No, no, no, no.
Speaker 3:
[53:00] No. OK, OK, OK.
Speaker 1:
[53:03] I wait.
Speaker 3:
[53:03] What happened again? So yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[53:06] Priest of Fort Collins was like, we're almost got the devil.
Speaker 4:
[53:10] The devil's on the got it.
Speaker 2:
[53:11] OK, run.
Speaker 3:
[53:13] And the devil's on the run. Got it.
Speaker 1:
[53:14] OK, making croissants at that bakery.
Speaker 3:
[53:18] I feel like that's the fucking main headline, right?
Speaker 2:
[53:21] What?
Speaker 3:
[53:22] Because if they know where the devil is.
Speaker 1:
[53:23] Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4:
[53:25] Isn't that going to be where the devil's in?
Speaker 1:
[53:28] And Fort Collins? No, no, it's in Grand Junction, Grand Junction.
Speaker 3:
[53:34] I was trying to get on a train, but my baby was there.
Speaker 4:
[53:39] Relative of local lady dies in Greeley.
Speaker 3:
[53:45] Edward Wild.
Speaker 1:
[53:48] I mean, I don't mean to be callous, but.
Speaker 4:
[53:51] We're out of story.
Speaker 1:
[53:52] Literally, they're like, we have five more patients that are blank.
Speaker 3:
[53:56] Tell me why I care.
Speaker 2:
[53:58] Here's one.
Speaker 1:
[53:59] A citizen of Fort Collins had a death.
Speaker 2:
[54:02] The person who died lives in Fort Collins?
Speaker 1:
[54:04] No, really far away. But she's like pretty upset.
Speaker 2:
[54:08] Yeah, OK. Yeah, yeah, that'll work.
Speaker 3:
[54:11] Drag it out.
Speaker 2:
[54:12] Drag it out.
Speaker 1:
[54:13] I mean, that devil on the run one didn't take up as much page as I thought. We even did it in Courier New.
Speaker 3:
[54:20] And this is just part one.
Speaker 2:
[54:22] Fuck me. Hi. Here we go. Here's the story. Man walked.
Speaker 4:
[54:29] Edward Birch, an uncle of Mrs. Robert Keeney of Fort Collins, died at the Greeley Hospital Tuesday after a week's illness. He was age 73.
Speaker 2:
[54:42] 73.
Speaker 4:
[54:42] Who gives a shit?
Speaker 3:
[54:44] This is not a story. I'm not going to believe this. 73 year old man died.
Speaker 2:
[54:50] A man died. Come on.
Speaker 3:
[54:53] A man died.
Speaker 1:
[54:54] You know what we should have done? We should have made that horse.
Speaker 2:
[54:55] He's 25 years past. That horse article should have been longer.
Speaker 1:
[54:59] That's a, that's a crazy story. We didn't tell anyone anything. Now we're talking about a man of dying age dying. And he doesn't even live here.
Speaker 4:
[55:07] And he's an uncle of the one.
Speaker 3:
[55:09] I feel like 73 was past the life expectancy too. That guy lived a long fucking time.
Speaker 1:
[55:14] Yeah, it had to be. I mean, we're about to get down to 73.
Speaker 3:
[55:16] And he died at the hospital. There's nothing interesting about this at all.
Speaker 1:
[55:22] I mean, this really is just becoming an indictment on Preston, the guy who put this one together.
Speaker 3:
[55:27] He is absolutely, I'm going to have some words for him.
Speaker 4:
[55:32] He is survived by one daughter. The remains will be taken to the family home at DeSoto.
Speaker 1:
[55:37] Hey, that's the weirdest part of the story.
Speaker 4:
[55:39] Being accompanied by it.
Speaker 1:
[55:41] Here you go. Here's the body. Goodbye.
Speaker 4:
[55:45] The deceased was a retired farmer.
Speaker 1:
[55:48] So he was, he had the job that every person had. He died at an age that was fairly appropriate. He's not from there. He's just an uncle.
Speaker 4:
[55:59] That's right.
Speaker 1:
[56:00] And that's the last story in the paper.
Speaker 4:
[56:02] That's it.
Speaker 1:
[56:02] Well, Dave, thank you for joining us on what was a real dud of an ending. People, online, on Instagram, at Dave.
Speaker 3:
[56:15] Dave to the Ross.
Speaker 1:
[56:16] To the Ross. Go do it.
Speaker 3:
[56:19] That's right.
Speaker 1:
[56:21] It's happening.
Speaker 3:
[56:22] Thank you. Thank you guys so much for having me.
Speaker 1:
[56:25] Appreciate it.
Speaker 3:
[56:26] It was nice to see slash not at all see you.
Speaker 1:
[56:30] Yeah. Now we can't let to Dave see each other. Connection becomes too strong.
Speaker 3:
[56:35] That's right, dude.
Speaker 1:
[56:37] Oh, man.
Speaker 3:
[56:38] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[56:38] No, thank you guys. Thank you, Dave.
Speaker 3:
[56:43] Later, guys.