transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:02] Welcome to The Dad Edge Podcast. The Dad Edge Movement creates leaders of men, leaders of families, and leaders of communities. We will not only impact this generation of fathers, but the next generation as well. The kids we are raising will have better chances and odds stacked in their favor because of the amazing example that their fathers emulated for them. We are here to change the world. We are here to change relationships. We are here to positively disrupt this generation of fathers so no man goes to their grave with regret. We disrupt the drift of busyness and replace it with razor focused intention, passion, purpose, and direction. We are The Dad Edge, and we're here to change the game. Negative self talk, criticism, erratic thoughts, the trickster in our mind that wants to fool us and tell us we're no good. I don't know about you guys, but I know a lot of us, most of us, I think it's safe to say just about every single one of us has this critic in our head, the one that talks bad to us, the one that talks down to us, the one that tells us we're less than, we're not good enough, we're not fit enough, we're not rich enough, we're not a good dad, we're not a good husband, we don't produce well in the workplace, all these different things that we really, really put ourselves down. It's the conversations that we have with ourselves when no one else is listening except for us. And it's not even anything that necessarily we're saying out loud. It's more sinister and it's more quiet. And it's the things that we're saying that nobody else can hear. And it's called negative self chatter. And it can really, really decimate us. And I have dealt with this, man, my whole life. And I think there's a lot of people out there that always tell you, well, just think positive or do your morning affirmations and everything will be okay. That's not good enough. And today, what you guys are going to hear is a Q&A that I hosted in The Dad Edge Alliance, our brotherhood, where we had several men on this call. And I had a guest today, a previous podcast guest by the name of Ashleigh Di Lello. And Ashleigh has been in the limelight for a long time. You've probably have seen her on TV. But she is a neuroscience brain expert. Literally, how does the brain work? Why do we even talk to ourselves in this way? Why do we always default to catastrophic thoughts? Why are we always doom and gloom? And why is it so hard to be optimistic? It actually is because that's the way our brain is. That's the way it's wired. It's wired to protect us. So it always wants certainty and it's black and white. So gentlemen, today, what I'm going to be doing for you guys is I'm going to peel back the curtain because we do these Q&A's in the Alliance where I bring in experts like this and the guys in our group get to ask any question that they want. And I got to tell you, you are going to learn so much from today's show. So you're going to learn why does the brain always default to negativity? How do we override that? How do we even go through a process where we can rewire the brain to think better and to talk better to us? And what does that process even look like? So today, it's not me asking questions. Ashleigh Di Lello has been on the podcast before. Like I said, she is an expert in neuroscience and her story is absolutely incredible. At 13 years old, she was stricken with a horrible disease and she was told she was going to die. That was when she was 13 years old and she overcame that. Then, just in 2017, she went through a horrific hip surgery because she's been a dancer almost her entire life. Her body has been taking a beating and unfortunately, the surgery went really, really bad. She was stricken with chronic pain, tremendous chronic pain and the doctors told her, you're probably never going to walk again, you're always going to be in pain and guess what? This is your life. What Ashleigh did was she's like, I might not be able to control my body, but how can I control my brain? For years, she went down a rabbit hole of studying and researching. Now, she's an expert on how to rewire the brain in a neuroscience pathway. Not just theory and not just morning affirmations and not just trying to be optimistic when all the while, in the background, the hamster wheel is all negativity. Today, you're going to hear from our brothers in the Alliance. These guys are asking phenomenal questions. I have no doubt that you will get so much value from today's podcast. Not only that, but you're also going to get a sneak peek behind the curtain of just one of the things we do in the Alliance and what these guys are like. But today, gentlemen, I want you to buckle your seatbelt because if you're dealing with negative self chatter, this podcast is definitely for you. Gentlemen, my name is Larry Hagner. This is The Dad Edge Podcast, and this is our Q&A with Ashleigh. Enjoy.

Speaker 2:
[05:14] Mental or emotional stress, that's okay, here we are. It saved my life, and I've been coaching clients through it for the last seven years. What I know is we're all very different. We all have different belief systems, talents, backgrounds, intellect, passions, and the mechanisms of the brain and nervous system are the same for each of us. It really is and can become our greatest asset to completely change our life. I have seen not only that I have no limits in what that can look like, but every other human truly has been given that same capacity. It's just really learning how to harness it and get the brain on board with who we want to be versus what our past has shaped it to believe we are or what our limits are. We can talk about whatever you guys want in relationship to feeling stuck, struggling, patterns, habits, whatever it is, the brain is connected to all of it.

Speaker 1:
[06:18] You guys heard that story. That's an incredible story and one heck of a journey. Ashleigh, I can hear the emotion in your voice when you relive that.

Speaker 2:
[06:33] I'll say one thing that I'm so grateful for. The trauma that I went through and I had tremendous PTSD around my health, as you can imagine given what I've gone through, that most people won't even go through once. But the emotion you feel really now is just unbelievable, so gratitude and reverence, reverence for the human capacity that we all have and gratitude to be where I am today. That's what fills me with emotion. It never gets old.

Speaker 1:
[07:05] I love that. I can't remember if it was you that we talked about this, but your mess becomes your message.

Speaker 2:
[07:12] Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[07:14] Yeah. So many people want to shy away from those things and hey, this was a shadow of my life. This was such a dark place. I'm embarrassed. I'm humiliated. I think it's safe to say that I think I know what you were talking about when you were probably laying in bed that night and probably just wondering if you want to go on. Yeah, and we, I think just about every man has been in that situation at least once. To where we feel, am I a burden to others? More of a value add. Am I even worth being here based on what I'm experiencing and the people around me? So like I said, guys, Ashleigh really knows this from not the woo woo, think positive and everything goes away. I'm Stuart Smalley. I'm special and I'm this and everybody loves me. This is really fantastic neuroscience. So this is not about me asking questions. This is about you asking questions. So who's got the first question? I knew Jason would go first. I literally looked at you right away.

Speaker 3:
[08:25] Thanks, thanks. So I am in the middle of a book. Sorry, Complex PTSD from Surviving the Thriving. So this is a timely topic and thank you. I was able to listen to part of the podcast with Larry. I was working and trying to listen to it. That's just that my brain can't do two things at once like that. So, 61 years old, raised in a family where I probably, where I was not encouraged to share feelings and wasn't encouraged to talk and participate. And so, I can't believe it took me this long to start trying to figure this out and start healing. But here I am, you know, in high school, kind of bullied, I'm taking steps to kind of overcome that. You know, I sung a couple of times at our local Opry to help heal that wound of you're not good enough and you can't sing and that kind of thing. So, what is your, give me some helpful advice for a guy who's, you know, close to retirement, is old enough to have grandkids, but doesn't, in helping quiet that inner critic and overcoming some of that, please.

Speaker 2:
[10:03] Sure. I mean, I want, I can't believe you sang. I want to hear this, Jason. That's commendable for anyone. So, I want to give you kudos to that. And obviously, you grew up in a different timeframe, right? Where emotions were weak, where you just buckle up. And believe me, I honestly grew up the same. And even though I'm a woman, I'm very much of a fighter mentality and just buckle up, you know, and move forward. And that help saved me. And so, there's nothing wrong with that. It's that we're not either or humans. I think what's very important now is to tell my clients we're and, meaning you're not either weak or strong. You are both. It's and. The human existence is contrast, okay? And I think too often we put ourselves in either or situation. If you got to be a tough man, a strong man, a providing man, a productive man, that man also can't then have the other human experience, which is to be impacted by life, to have doubts, to have fears, to have hurts, right? So really important and you're never too late. I'm glad you're here. My oldest client to date was 84. So see, you've got over two decades on them. So see, you got a lot left. One of the most important that you already are doing is that awareness of what has probably been suppressed or stifled for a long time, right? And that doesn't go away just because we don't acknowledge it. And we know that through neuroimaging, anything that was really impactful that you wanted to share, that you wanted to express, that wasn't, the brain actually embosses the pattern of that whole experience neurologically, right? And it holds on to it. And that's where PTSD comes from, that's where trauma, that's where that uprising of emotion comes from sometimes, that then can come out in explosive ways more so for men because it, all those other pieces have been suppressed and dampened down. So what I would first say is the most important thing, and Larry and I really talked about this on the podcast, which is so huge, is for each of you and definitely for you, Jason, is to be able to look at those other emotions and not feeling good enough and all the other pieces and connection with it with self-compassion. Really important, I was not great at self-compassion. I was for being compassionate for everybody else, but not for me because my stakes were high, so I didn't have space for that. In the absence of self-compassion, when we judge ourselves, when we judge our emotions in that self-critical voice, actually the neural synapses in the brain, which is where information is exchanged, they lock up and they actually prohibit us from being able to change. We can change temporarily through self-criticism. I think we've all done that, criticize ourselves to take action, but the brain doesn't change long-term. That just understanding alone, I think gives us permission to do it differently, because now we understand that in the absence of that, we're becoming a huge block from changing our brain, from healing that impact. So Jason, what I would say, one of the most powerful ways to start to move through, maybe some of the pieces that you've held on to for a long time, that is driving that self-critical voice, is to actually write about it. Now, I know I'm not talking about traditional journal writing, everybody. And believe me, I wasn't even a girl who kept a journal. So I understand women are more apt to write than men. But there's thousands of neuroscience studies on the impact of writing. And the reason being is because it slows the brain down. There's no processing that happens through thinking. Okay, we just ruminate and we kind of go around and around and around. But if you write, set a timer even for 10 minutes, which tells your brain, hey, we're not going to do this forever, 10 minutes. Let me write about some of these impactful experiences like you just even shared, Jason, growing up and not being able to share or express. Let me write about not feeling good enough and what that looked like. And the key with this is it's writing you're not going to keep. The reason why I say that is it gives the brain permission to be honest. Whenever we're going to hold on to a writing that someone might read, see, judge, criticize, we hold back. This is about literally like sitting with yourself and allowing every version of yourself up until now that's connected to significant events, experiences, to express maybe what you never could, right? Whether it wasn't allowed or someone else would judge it or you would judge it, right? Because we all do that as well. And you can type this or you can handwrite it. In this case, it doesn't matter. But set that timer and start to just listen to yourself, express what that was like growing up. I know you've lived other things from your life, but that was the one that you referenced. When you write and you slow the brain down, some of those deeper pieces start to come up, where then you start to better explore, oh, I see these belief systems now. Oh my gosh, I see that this pattern. Wow, it's connected to my wife, but really it was connected to my mom or so forth, right? We start to better understand ourselves because the brain can start to communicate it because we're not just ruminating. You might need to do this writing two times, three times, four times around this particular maybe belief of not being good enough or that self-critical voice. But as you do that and as you move it from inside to outside of you and start to better understand maybe some of those belief systems still anchored into it, then you get to look at it and say, how do I want to change this now? And that's where two-fold, it needs to be an internal dialogue that you do speak to yourself. Now that is different than like Larry was referencing of I'm wonderful and happy and I'm amazing. It's intentional. It's with your own voice. It's talking to your brain instead of your brain talking to you based on what you've gone through. So not only do we start speaking it because we're programming our brain to who we want to start to become and believe. But then every day we go, how would this person intentionally act? How would they interact differently? How would they show up in their life? We have to match that with that intentional action because the brain is an evidence machine. And no matter what we speak, if we're not building intentional action in alignment with it, then it doesn't matter to the brain. And that's where so many people fall short. But if we start building these micro applications in alignment with the belief system and who we want to be, then after a week, seven new micro evidences to the brain go, oh, okay, notwithstanding the past, I'm starting to believe this Jason today. But we don't always get that clarity until we actually take time to sit with ourselves and write and really start to explore what we've been holding inside. Does that make sense? Like with all of you maybe are married or you've been in relationships, if you want to seek to understand the other person, you've got to listen. We've got to listen to ourselves, right? But when we're like, I don't have time, I don't have time. It's like, I don't have time for you. Well, if we don't make time, then we'll continue to stay stuck in patterns and belief systems that don't serve us. Writing is one of the most effective ways to sit down with ourselves and listen and explore and just be honest. Be honest, be brutally honest. Get as ugly or dark as you need to because you're going to throw it away. It's about moving through it, not identifying with it. Does that make sense?

Speaker 3:
[18:31] Two things. One, Ashleigh, thank you so much. Larry, thank you for having Ashleigh on. This doesn't suck.

Speaker 1:
[18:42] Thanks, Jason.

Speaker 3:
[18:43] It doesn't.

Speaker 2:
[18:44] We love to hear that.

Speaker 3:
[18:46] Yeah, thanks. My takeaway really is, Larry, because I know that's your next question. My takeaway is that I need to set some time aside to sit in my crap, if you will, and think about it and do some writing about it. Thank you.

Speaker 2:
[19:10] That's right. Awesome.

Speaker 1:
[19:12] Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Ashleigh.

Speaker 2:
[19:14] No, I was going to commend Larry for obviously how he encourages you to express your takeaway because that actually ingrains it into the brain. So well done there.

Speaker 1:
[19:25] That's how we run our call teams too. At the end of the call teams, what did you get from this and what are you willing to take action on? Right? Before we get to the next question, I just want to share this with you guys. When I interviewed Ashleigh, I was in a bit of a season and I was in a bit of a, it was one of those days, one of those weeks, and I think even one of those months that if a challenge was throwing my way, it was just constant. It was, as our Uncle Joe would say, and Ashleigh, you don't know Uncle Joe, but Uncle Joe is a co-host of mine when we do Q&A's. He said, sometimes in life you feel like you're on the other side of the osculating fan when someone is dumping the feces on the back side of it, and that was the day that you and I interviewed, and as soon as we got done, I did that exercise. And I sat down, I was in tears, and I was like, I just literally looked at the list of things that I was telling myself, and I was like, if someone were to come up and tell me this to my face, I would tell them to go fly a freaking kite. I was just like, how cruel am I being to myself? Good God. It's unbelievable how we speak to ourselves sometimes. So I just want to share that, and I'll tell you, as much as it was very emotional for me to write those things down, it was also insanely liberating to just get it all out, all the darkness, all the stress, because it was like all these ping pong balls of negative thoughts in your mind and they're just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But to take them each down and individualize them and just look at them to zoom out was so helpful. So I just want to share that with you and with you guys as well. But let's get to the next question. Who's got one? I can usually always tell by the windows who's looking for the mute button.

Speaker 4:
[21:09] All right, I'm in.

Speaker 1:
[21:10] Let's go, Chris.

Speaker 3:
[21:12] So my wife and I actually happened to listen to this podcast this past Sunday while driving back from church.

Speaker 4:
[21:17] So one awesome podcast. Thank you, Larry.

Speaker 3:
[21:19] You don't suck. But really, what we're looking and thinking about, how do you develop your process? What's your method for helping people go from, I'm here and I want to get here?

Speaker 2:
[21:34] Yeah. So the first half of the process is really actually getting the brain on board with being able to change. So that looks like identifying, it looks like looking at you. So one part of that, Chris, that I have clients do is write down all the significant things they've gone through in their life. You know, the things that keep popping up, the things that changed you, the things that hurt you, the life changes, the fears, because we've got to get an idea of you as a person and how that has all impacted and shaped your brain. Okay, so we can't change what we're really not aware of. And most people are aware of their stress patterns, right? Or if they have that negative critical voice, if they have fears, if they have anxiety, if they have even physical stress patterns, like we're aware of the symptoms, but not as much all the pieces underneath that are driving that, right? So first, we identify like the physical, psychological, emotional components that have altered you to the state that you find yourself in now, right? Because it's never just one thing. You might have one big thing that kind of tipped everything over the edge, but like I said, your brain gathers all that information throughout your whole life to shape your operating system. So if we don't first understand the different components, then we're not able to address you comprehensively, okay? So that's the first step. Writing is part of that as well. Once we understand significant experiences, I have a bunch of different writing protocols, but definitely even the one that I shared here, of starting to move some of that emotional charge and impact out. Because if we don't do that, and this was hard for me to embrace because I was like, let's just do this, let's just do it. I'm a fighter, let's just get better. What isn't expressed is suppressed and it doesn't go away. Neuroscience has even shown that the body holds on to that emotional impact in the brain, in the memory. So we have to start processing that out first, okay? Because otherwise, when you're trying to change, and there's some stuff that you've just suppressed and held onto, it goes like this, right? And inevitably, the brain is like, hey, I have all these reasons to stay in these patterns, so thanks for all your efforts, but this is stronger. Because we know if there's an emotional strong enough hold, that part of the brain, the limbic system, will override the prefrontal cortex, which is your thinking rational brain, that's your decision making. So we have to process out some crap first, right? Then, we have to, most people's, what they're called fear and defense networks in the brain have been altered. And that's where there's more stress, more fear, more threat, more negativity. There's specific exercises to change those, to start to bring those down. And there's specific exercises to open what are called the prosocial networks in the brain, which is possibility, which is confidence. And then, then the brain is able to actually activate its greatest superpowers, which is the ability to create, which is the ability to rewire. So it's a comprehensive 12-week process that takes the brain through all of those steps that allows it to get on board to go to the next step to then really change the operating system. But the first half is really processing out. And then it's in this receptive place to do all the rewiring. That makes sense?

Speaker 3:
[25:23] Makes much more sense.

Speaker 4:
[25:24] So thank you so much.

Speaker 3:
[25:26] And yeah, I think we all did the same thing.

Speaker 2:
[25:28] What isn't expressed stays suppressed.

Speaker 3:
[25:29] We all scribbled that so far. So thank you for dropping it.

Speaker 2:
[25:32] Good. And guys, again, I know I'm a woman, but I was an awesome suppressor.

Speaker 3:
[25:38] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[25:39] Because at 13 years old, I had to become a fighter. And plus I grew up, like I said, dancing five hours a day, but ballroom is very much rooted in Russian coaching. And I had Russian coaches that will just say, okay, you had to be tough. All right. And especially back in that timeframe when everyone wasn't so soft. And so I was very tough. And then when I was told I was going to die at 13 years old, I mean, I became and had to be very tough. And I did not leave space for the sad days, the hard days, the fear. I was like, I don't have time for this. I don't have time for this. And granted, sometimes we don't in the moment. It's like I only have limited resources. But that was all something that I had to go back through and process out. Because just because I didn't acknowledge it, didn't mean it went away. What did you say? Ballerinas and John Wick. Seriously, guys, yeah, I had Russian coaches. We'll just say that. And that's so funny because my husband kind of looks like John Wick. So that's funny. But anyhow, I align with it. But your brain and body will scream to get your attention at some point if we haven't looked at and compassionately allowed ourselves to process the way life has impacted us. It doesn't mean we're not tough or strong. It means we're not a robot. And isn't that great? Because how do you really know courage if you've never felt fear? It doesn't exist, right? All the great things we want to be are only practiced because we have felt the contrast. And we're not trying to get stuck in those disempowering words, but we're compassionately allowing ourselves to accept that they're also part of our experience. And as we move through them, we open up greater space for who we want to be to actually settle in and the things that hurt us to build us, right? Like I always say, what broke us can also build us, but it will keep fighting each other if we don't allow the stuff that hurt us to move through us. That's totally different than identifying with it. Make sense?

Speaker 1:
[28:00] Just a quick comment on that before we get to the next question. Man, this is like, podcast is great with you, but this is like hitting, I think that's like a wrecking ball right now in a good way. And I don't want to say men, I don't want to say there's better or worse, but I think there might be a gender difference here because men, and I don't want to compare this to women because obviously, I'm not one, but I think that there's a tremendous, tremendous level of shame and guilt and self-identification as weakness. Or even feeling like this. So we as men, we just suppress it even more and we white-knuckle it.

Speaker 2:
[28:40] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[28:40] And this sounds self-serving and it's not, but I think this is why community for men is so freaking important, because left to our own vices and our own mind, we can go down just some serious, serious men truly do need a safe place to unpack this.

Speaker 2:
[28:59] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[29:00] And sometimes the way we view things as right or wrong or indifferent, we don't view our wives or our families as that place that we can go decompress. In fact, we have to put on that I'm fine, I'm good, and it's all lie. We're not. But we feel that we have to put on that face and that's even more of a heavy lift. So we're suppressing, but we're also trying to put on this face that everything is okay, because otherwise we just think we're less than. I just want to make that quick comment. Who's got the next question?

Speaker 2:
[29:30] That's really though also Larry, why men are more apt to addictions. Because it's a route of trying to distract from what you're feeling. Then the shame and guilt of that, which we know from neuroimaging just harbors in deeper, shame and guilt activate the alarm bells in the brain. So we've seen through functional MRIs, when someone is harshly self criticizing themselves through that shame and guilt, you're weak, the brain's alarm bells go off as if you're in an immediate threat. That sends more stress hormones to your whole system, which then makes what you're going through or what you're shaming even worse. And so that battle of that shame and that guilting needs an outlet. And in the absence of an outlet, the brain goes, what can I do to feel better? And that is a big part of why men are more apt to addictions, because the brain will find some way. And if we can't do it in a healthy way that allows the love and compassion to move through it, then it will find something that's a cheap dopamine to help us feel better. And that's why, yes, it's so important to have those safe spaces and recognize that, so that our brain doesn't seek non-healthy ways to deal. Wow.

Speaker 1:
[31:06] Scott.

Speaker 5:
[31:11] Hey, Ashleigh. I feel like my question is in alignment with what you and Larry were just sharing. How do you approach and think about making your mind more resilient under prolonged stress? For context, I'm an entrepreneur. We're all a little bit crazy by nature. I've been doing this for over 19 years. Two and a half years ago, my business was in the best spot it's ever been. Today, it's nearly in the worst. It's a lot of details I won't go into. Big changes across the field that I serve. I'm not the only one. I was talking to a fellow entrepreneur yesterday. She's like, Yep, everything you're saying right there with you. Yeah, candidly, I've burned out twice in the past two years, and I've not turned to any addiction or anything like that. I've had a lot of people, including people I respect say, Hey, man, maybe you should shift the focus of your business. Yet somehow, I'm still not letting go of it, and the people that I work with, that I help, they are in a similar situation but different. Take on it, they're working in a field where there's prolonged stress, it just comes with the territory, and they're caught in patterns asking for myself and for them. Okay.

Speaker 2:
[32:36] Great question. I totally get what it's like to live in prolonged stress and uncertainty at the deepest levels, but also as an entrepreneur myself. Okay. So it all comes into play here. And just know that with that uncertainty, the reason why it's so stressful is because the brain is a predicting machine, right? And so it wants certainty. Even though life is uncertain when you have added for sure uncertainty, it's very taxing, right? So that's where the most important part is to build certainty in ourselves, right? The brain needs certainty in something. We can't control the markets, the world, the changing of technology, all of that, which I know is impacting a lot of people at this moment. The world is in a big, big transition, right? So how do we build resilience? Well, part of that is building certainty in ourselves and our capacity, in our value, in our belief systems. Resilience, I love talking about that because we often associate it as a characteristic trait, but really it's a part of our brain. There's a specific area called the anterior midsingulate cortex that is directly connected to resiliency. And the beautiful thing is that we can grow it. And one of the best ways is doing the things we don't want to do. Okay? But doing it with that intentionality of connecting it to the brain that we're building resilience. So people talk about cold plunge or things like that. But really, when it comes to a business, and I know there are things we don't want to do, when we do those first, we actually, and we do them every day, and we celebrate that we did them, that's part of building that resiliency in the brain. It's directly connected to doing what we don't want to do. Okay? And then acknowledging it, because as entrepreneurs, as humans, our brain is inherently focused on what isn't working, what is lacking, what isn't good, what is uncertain. You need to actually have a practice, like a wind book, and write down what is good, what is progressing, both within yourself and your business, that also builds that evidence to the brain of the potential for good versus the potential for catastrophe. It's an actual practice because what isn't working is always first and foremost prominent in the brain. So yes, eat the frog first, but recognize it. Our brain is inherently like a toddler. You have to acknowledge that you did that to more so amplify that part of the brain to grow, and then you've got to have a record of your wins. Now, having said that, I always say miracles happen when you don't give up. Of course, in the entrepreneur world, a lot of people aren't successful because they give up. But without knowing the specifics, I also know sometimes a reinvention, a pivot is part of being an entrepreneur. I'm not saying that to your specifics because I don't know, but also it's important to look at the resistance we're feeling towards maybe doing that or doing something different. Because inevitably also our identity gets attached to what we do and underneath that sometimes is, but then I'm a failure or then it didn't work. It's also important to be honest with, is there anything underneath that is also making hold on to something that I'm not saying let go, but reinvent or pivot or do a different way? And am I not allowing that because I've attached this meaning of failure or something else to it? So both are at place here. Building resiliency, but also often we sabotage our own selves because of some belief system we've attached to doing something different. That puts constraints upon us maybe opening up to something bigger, better or pivoting. Both are at play here. Does that make sense?

Speaker 5:
[37:20] Yeah, makes perfect sense. Yeah. I've lived that experience once 10 years ago, completely reinvented our business to what it is now. Okay.

Speaker 2:
[37:33] So flexibility is hard in uncertainty, because the brain wants black and white. So us ourselves, understanding that that becomes more difficult under prolonged stress, we have to be mindful of the flexibility within ourselves to shift or do things as we need to, to be where we are today and expand, but making sure our identity isn't attached to doing that. Does that make sense too? Because sometimes that really becomes the deal breaker. Entrepreneurship is freaking hard, okay? Like literally, my sister's a, I'm the first in my family. We were all academic and it was very hard for me. I mean, and I've literally overcome nearly dying. I've learned how to re-walk three different times. I have defied the odds and yet entrepreneurship was a whole other thing, right? My family are all doctors, engineers, like lawyers, you know, like, and there's a, my sister's a cancer surgeon and she's even like, I can't do what you do. Like I know what I'm gonna make every month, you know? So I just wanna also give you that credit because it is, I believe, one of the most growing and expanding and difficult things because it is ongoing, right? And there's constant adjustments and flexibility and uncertainties. And so that's where you also need that wind book, a record of recognizing your capacity, which points to your brain of the resiliency and I can do this and I can pivot and I can still be successful. Entrepreneurship is not for the weak, everyone. So celebrate that within yourself as well. Okay. And give yourself breaks. Men also power through. I am a power thrower, right? It doesn't mean you're weak, but you also need to schedule in times to not just work out. That's very important, of course, but to be quiet, to silence the stimulation, the thinking, whatever that is for you, that allows you to be in nature or to hike, but to give your brain breaks, because our brains are freaking exhausted, not just from your problem solving with entrepreneurship, but all of our technology and stimulus, our brain is like, I am losing my greater function because I'm tired. So make sure you also put in breaks where you're not taking a break and checking your phone, but you're really allowing your brain to reset. Okay. Because the more exhausted it gets, the more defeated it gets. Never make a big decision on a bad day.

Speaker 5:
[40:40] I appreciate the answer, Ashleigh. Larry, my big takeaway. You set a wind book. I made a note for myself, not a Google Doc because I created at the start of this year, trying to change things. I created a wind doc where I reference four documents every day and I've slipped from that one document. I'm like, yeah, no, it needs to be physical on my desk, in front of me, and I need to write it out since that is a recurring theme here today.

Speaker 2:
[41:07] Yeah. Awesome. Anything you want to dump out, like I said, like brain dump, you can type, but anything that you want to more powerfully anchor in your brain, you should handwrite. All the neural studies show that the impact on the brain is so much more significant because it's your unique handwriting and because we type so many things, when we write something, the brain goes, this is more important. Pay attention. So absolutely, I encourage writing in that aspect. So that's great.

Speaker 1:
[41:42] Thank you, Ashleigh.

Speaker 2:
[41:43] You're welcome.

Speaker 1:
[41:49] This is incredible. Absolutely incredible. Scott, thank you for that takeaway. I also put in the chat too that I think one of the most sinister and deceitful things that I think we buy into is we go to busyness to distract instead of the quiet because the quiet can be really scary. So we just work harder, white-knuckle more. So Scott, thank you for that incredible question. Who's got another one?

Speaker 3:
[42:24] I'm back up. So, this is a dad show, and I'm going to ask the one that's probably the most painful part. Working with you, I can help me suck less. I'm already seeing the stuff building in with my nine-year-old daughter. The perfectionist tendencies, I'm not good enough, I messed this up, I didn't get 100. How do I help her?

Speaker 2:
[42:47] Such a great question. I come from a long line of perfectionists, okay? So that was one of the greatest kind of unraveling that I worked on through myself, but literally my daughter came out of the womb like this, okay? You guys all know the little balls with the square and the triangle and the circle, you know that toddlers have to fit into the space. You guys seen that or reference? My daughter was barely sitting upright and didn't get it right on the first try and threw it. Yeah, she was so frustrated with herself and I'm like, oh my gosh, crap. It was like inbred. So I get it. One of the most important things that you can do as a parent to help unravel that within her is to share your own struggles. Now I don't mean the stuff that maybe kids don't need to know, but I'm saying it gives them permission to also struggle. I don't know, but when I was growing up, where parents didn't share that, so it was like you felt like you had to be a certain way. Where share your own, where I really struggled with this and I had to get help. I felt like whatever that is for you or what you might currently be going through or something from the past, there's a permission that starts to open up when kids hear from their own parents how they too have struggled and didn't get the A, or had, my daughter had such a hard time receiving any degree of help, right, from anyone. She saw it as a failure, right? So sharing how you have gotten help and how that has assisted you, really also teaching them that we're all learning on the job. Like, how do you learn how to do anything? Well, first, you fail. Like, do you know how many times in anything we fail our way to success? And by fail, I mean learn. Failure is feedback. The failing is part of everyone's process. Failure is a noun. That's different. That's attaching your identity. Failing is, I'm learning, I'm trying. What can I learn from this? Share with your daughter what I shared with you. We can't actually learn from that shame place. Our brain shuts down. We can't actually learn. So that's why it's such a vicious cycle, because when we're like, I didn't do it, I'm a failure, the brain shuts down and we actually can't learn the feedback from it that allows us to do better the next time. So have compassion and say, this is, man, this is what everybody struggles with to some degree. And you know what? I did too. And here is where I struggled. And here where I learned how to get help. And here's how it changed me. Because we all want to help other people. And we all have different challenges. But if we want to help other people, we also have to allow other people to help us. Because we're not all good at everything and we're not meant to be. So first open up your own challenges. Talk about how the brain can't learn through shaming ourselves. Ask, what can I learn from this? And where do I need to get help? And how does that allow me to get better? But then also align with Scott, she needs to start a wind book too. Because in the absence of just, hey, where I'm failing, we need to also build a sense of what we're doing well. Because the other is always way more present. Who goes to bed at night and is like, what did I do good today? It's like, this is where I fell short, this is where I failed, I wish I would have done that. That's what the brain does from its threat response programming. We have to actively go, what did I do a little bit better today? What did I learn? How did I improve that? That starts to also build a sense of self that says, hey, when I don't do as well as I wanted to, that's a great opportunity for growth because I believe in myself enough to know that I can learn from this. Not that I have to be a certain way. I used to have my daughter, she brought home a paper that said, practice makes perfect. How many times did we all hear that say that? I made her cross it out and say, practice makes progress. Progress, progress, progress. Because even ask her, what is perfect? It's totally subjective. There's no definition, which is why we can't ever reach it unless you get a score of a 10. But even then, it's subjective, right? So the law of life is progress. And if we allow ourselves to learn, then we'll keep progressing as humans. But all of that to say, Chris, that door starts to open when you willingly also share without shame and guilt when you've struggled, or failed a test, or struggled, and then how you learn from that. And it takes practice and patience. It was quite a journey for my daughter. But she was really struggling with math this year, and she didn't want help. She didn't want help. And I told her, I mean, I asked more questions than anyone. I talked to her about that. Mommy was smart because I asked a lot of questions. Not because I just understood it. So I got her a tutor because she didn't want to do it in school. And that tutor helped her so much that now she's doing amazing. And I again, connected it for her. See, honey, see what happened? You got help and see how that helped you. And now you're doing amazing. But if we hadn't gotten help, then we'd still be struggling. Like this is what life is about, learning and getting help when we need it. And that doesn't actually make us a failure. Actually, the kids who raise their hand and ask for help have way more courage than the kids who don't. It takes way more courage to admit when we're struggling and need help than to stuff it down and act like we know what we're doing. So start opening it up with you and then have her do that wind book too. And have her do a brain dump. Have her do a brain dump, okay? I've done that with my child too. Let's get out all the negative thoughts and then let's turn on music and rip it up and throw it away. And it feels really, really good. Do all these things that we're talking about start integrating with her and it takes a little time, but it can change. I've witnessed it first hand and coming from someone who cried when I got my first A minus in college felt like a failure. I can promise you it can change piece by piece.

Speaker 3:
[49:51] Thank you so much. I just got a pile of notes and you kept dropping awesome lines. Here's the two I call failure is feedback.

Speaker 4:
[49:58] And in my previous career, I was always in your said feedback is a gift.

Speaker 3:
[50:03] If they're willing to give you feedback, they want to help you improve. And then the law of life is progress.

Speaker 1:
[50:10] So you're awesome.

Speaker 3:
[50:12] You kick ass.

Speaker 2:
[50:13] Oh, thank you, Chris. Appreciate it. I failed my way to where I am today. You know, lots of failing and learning and growing. I can tell you that. And undoing a lot of perfectionist learning, right? But also talk to her about it. That desire to be perfect is rooted in something that we believe our worth is connected to. So that's important, too. Like, why do you think it's so important to be good at everything? You know, let's just talk about that, you know, because sometimes that awareness allows us to go, oh, it's because that's what I think makes me worthy or good at something or less burdensome or whatever that is. There's always a need within us that we think we're fulfilling by acting a certain way.

Speaker 3:
[51:11] We'll do.

Speaker 1:
[51:12] Thank you so much.

Speaker 3:
[51:13] You're welcome.

Speaker 1:
[51:15] Ashleigh, do you, I know we're kind of pushing against time. Do you have time for one more question? Sure. Yeah. Guys, I'd love to hear just if you've got one more, Henry, so I can help you.

Speaker 4:
[51:26] Yeah, I'm just curious to hear your thoughts around navigating the emotional space between these survival instincts and that sort of online prefrontal cortex logical mode. And for often for men, it's like that's a part. And for I will include women as well, right? For humans, like we've had that experience to suppress that. And so it's really hard for men to sort of wake that back up and to accept it and to really take on the work to mature their relationship with their emotions so that they can express in that way. And I do a lot of this work with men and I've seen it, but I just want to know what your experience is and what your thoughts are on that.

Speaker 2:
[52:04] Yeah, I think that this first thing that has to change is a shift of, like I said at the beginning, the either or, it's an and relationship. So opening this up does not at all eliminate all the strength and courage and tenacity and grit that you have, right? And I think that has to happen first because if you don't, the protective barriers really kind of create a threat response on men looking at that side of themselves. So it's not an either or, it's an and. And put it in a container. So that's where I say, as you sit, as you write, as you look at this, this is not your identity. This is how you have been impacted. And thank goodness because again, you're not a robot. You're a human that feels and has also the capacity to feel deeply, not just to do things, but to feel, which is what matters to us as humans. That's really what we connect to. So as you do this, have that paradigm shift of this is not my identity. It's not an either or. And then put a timeline around it. Like this container of time, when I do this brain dump, when I explore this, I'm gonna put this in this container that allows me to not go, this is gonna override my whole day. I'm gonna get stuck in here. I still have all these to-do lists to do. I gotta still work and be the man and show up. I'm afraid to go here. It's like reassure yourself and your brain, this is our container time each and every day. And actually by letting that out, all of the heroic things I want to be are no longer battling for space. So I always tell my clients, let out and bring in. And the more we let out this other side of ourselves that we've suppressed, the more we actually can bring in and anchor in and our system will receive all that we, the good, all that we want to be, all the empowering, all the accomplishing, all the greater than. But in the absence of moving through it, then it becomes like this.

Speaker 4:
[54:19] Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, that's been in my experience too, is to move that out, to create space for more, to create space for that action to move forward. Yeah. And I also just want to reiterate the importance of not having to do it alone and to do it with a group of men and an intentional space in order to build that capacity for that part of life. Because it's information that as we, if we keep, continue to push it away, it's information and data that we're not making decisions with. We're excluding it. We're pushing it away. So thank you so much for your perspective on that. I appreciate it. Yeah, you're welcome.

Speaker 1:
[55:00] Ashleigh, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but for some reason, I'm getting like super misty-eyed just hearing all this because it's so much truth and it's so much reality. As we were, I'm a very faith-based person, and it's so crazy, I don't believe in coincidences. Literally seven minutes ago, we have a family chat. Me and my whole family, except for my 10-year-old, he doesn't have a phone yet, but my 12-year-old, my 18-year-old, my 20-year-old, my wife and I, and my 20-year-old always puts in the birth of the day in our chat. And seven minutes ago, he put in John 16, 33, I've told you these things so that in me, you have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world. And I just wanted to put that in there for all my faith-based guys. And if you're not a praying man, that's totally okay. But I just had to reveal that because of the coincidence of everything that you're talking about. And everything that you've shared with us today. Ashleigh, from the bottom of my heart, and I know I speak for these men, thank you so much for giving your time freely today. I can't even tell you how beneficial this was, and how helpful this was. Even for me personally, tremendous, absolutely tremendous. I want to give you an opportunity that if any of these men want to reach out to you, or if they just somehow, someway want to engage in what you share, what your blogs or podcasts or anything like that, where men can just get more from you, what does that look like?

Speaker 2:
[56:33] Sure. Well, thank you for having me. Thank you for all of who you are in creating that space and that energy. I so appreciate it. Like I said, at a personal level, I'm just so grateful for men who are willing to do this and do the work. The world needs strong men and not just in the way strength has been defined, but emotionally strong men, emotionally resilient men, open men, faith-based men. So thank you. My website, my name ashleighdilello.com. On there, I have a free Brain Body Blueprint. That's a great three-step action plan to start disrupting patterns. I have a longer training on the brain. Depending on the severity of where you might be stuck or struggling or someone you know, you can schedule a consultation from my website to see if it's a good fit. I work with people who just want to be different to the most extremes of behaviors and addictions and physical and mental health challenges. What I know is we were all created with the capacity to truly change and become the creators of our life and not just be defined by what's happened to us up until this moment. So that's my social media. That's my website, Ashleigh Di Lello, my name, which I guess is here somewhere. Or on my thing. Maybe I'll just put it in the chat. But I'd love to connect with any of you and thank you again for doing this and being here and Larry for the space you create. Too much now the world is telling us who we are and we more than ever need to take radical responsibility over creating who we want to be and become. And the world needs definitely more light than ever before.

Speaker 1:
[58:26] I love that. Thank you so much. Gentlemen, for you guys who are on the call today, I'm going to ask you to take action on one thing today. Okay. I would like for you to in our in our in our community membership site, I would love for you to make a post to the group for those men who couldn't make it today. Something that you got from today that you learned, please post it because here's the thing. You have no idea, no idea out of all the men that are in our group who might need to see what you took away from today who couldn't make it. And I can't even tell you how many times we've made a post like that where someone has learned something and there's always been a comment saying something along the lines of, I really needed this today. Thank you. So please don't be a pond, be a river. And a river flows into other bodies of water. So please don't keep this to yourself. Don't be a pond, be a river. Give something that you got out of today to the other men in our group because I guarantee, I guarantee somebody needs to see what you learned today. Can everybody commit to that?

Speaker 2:
[59:38] Okay.

Speaker 1:
[59:38] Thank you. Ashleigh, you are freaking amazing. Absolutely amazing. It's so surreal to talk to you because I watched you on TV back in 2009.

Speaker 2:
[59:51] Very different. Very different worlds.

Speaker 1:
[59:54] And you're just a phenomenal human being. Thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2:
[60:00] Thank you, Larry. Appreciate you and all of you here. Thank you so much. What a beautiful part of the internet, right? That we all get to connect in a way that we otherwise never would. So I'm going to focus on that good today. All right. So thank you, Larry. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1:
[60:18] Thank you, guys. Gentlemen, that's all we got time for today. I hope you enjoyed today's Q&A. It was absolute gold in my opinion. You heard the emotion in my voice in this show because, man, it got me. It really got me. It reached into my heart and it grabbed it. And I think it was because a lot of us came to the conclusion and we're like, wow, this is a lot deeper than I thought as far as how to rewire the brain. So I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. If you guys want to go check out the show notes or you want to get any of the links or if you want to check out what we're doing in the mastermind, I'm going to have a link in the mastermind in the show notes for you. Head on over to thedadedge.com 14, I'm sorry, the dadedge.com/1469 for this show. Gentlemen, from my heart to yours, thank you for listening and we'll see you next time.