transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Hey, guys, Big Jay Oakerson. If you want to check me out on the road, go to bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates. I will be in Las Vegas at Wise Guys this weekend, Comedy Connection in Providence the following weekend, Netflix is a joke festival, and then Austin, Texas for the Mothership Memorial Day weekend, followed by Stanford, Connecticut. Make sure you check it all out, bigjaycomedy.com.

Speaker 2:
[00:23] Yeah. Go see Big Jay at the Mothership because I will be featuring that weekend. And come see me on the Rattle Me This Tour, coming to a city near you. This weekend, St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada. Next weekend, Toronto, Canada. Canada, I'm coming up and I'm going to fucking make you guys feel great. And then a lot of other stuff, Fort Myers, Florida coming up after that, Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Also come see Story Warz live on the road. We're going to be going out to the Netflix is a Joke Festival from May 5th through 7th. We might be even adding an extra show because tickets are going very, very well. So come see us live at the Netflix is a Joke Festival. And if you can get on the waiting list for the May 21st Story Wars the Mothership, that is going to be a crazy, crazy night of two shows. Either way, lewisofskanks.com is my website. Grab those tickets there and I'll see you on the road.

Speaker 1:
[01:07] Fill her up.

Speaker 3:
[01:09] You're listening to the GaS Digital Network.

Speaker 4:
[01:19] Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Warz with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1:
[01:41] What is up, everybody? Make some fucking noise in here in New York City, will you please?

Speaker 2:
[01:46] Let's fucking go! Another sold out show here at the New York Comedy Club. How are you guys feeling tonight?

Speaker 1:
[01:56] Welcome to Story Warz. We always ask this, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Warz?

Speaker 2:
[02:04] And who is not familiar with Story Warz? Couple guys, this guy here, now he's bowing.

Speaker 1:
[02:11] Boo! Boo! Boo!

Speaker 2:
[02:13] You sluts!

Speaker 1:
[02:16] Well, if you're not familiar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, we will explain after we get our esteemed panel of very funny people up here. Starting up first, our first guest, you know her from Lemon Thief. Also you know her as Joanna Angel on OnlyFans. Make some noise for the lovely Joanna Angel!

Speaker 2:
[02:52] Joanna, thank you for coming on Story Warz for the first time. This is your Story Warz debut. How excited are you?

Speaker 5:
[02:58] I'm actually terrified, to be honest. I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[03:00] You're terrified. You've been, I've watched you have sex with many men.

Speaker 6:
[03:04] I know.

Speaker 2:
[03:06] And none tonight.

Speaker 7:
[03:07] None that I know of, but it's weird.

Speaker 1:
[03:10] You're out of your comfort zone.

Speaker 6:
[03:11] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[03:14] You're gonna have a fun, fun time, I promise you that.

Speaker 8:
[03:16] It's very, very fun.

Speaker 2:
[03:18] Our second competitor coming to the stage, O and One in Story Warz Competition from the Madhouse Podcast right here on GaS Digital. On tour right now, go check her out. She's one of the funniest comics in the country. Clap it up as much as you can for Maddy Smith.

Speaker 8:
[03:40] Yeah, yeah. What's up?

Speaker 2:
[03:42] Maddy, I've also watched you have sex with many men.

Speaker 9:
[03:48] I forgot about that. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[03:51] You lost the last time you were on Story Warz. Have you done any preparation before coming back?

Speaker 9:
[03:55] I didn't smoke weed.

Speaker 2:
[03:57] That's good.

Speaker 9:
[03:57] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[03:58] That's good.

Speaker 9:
[03:58] Last time, last time I was high off my gourd, today I'm locked in.

Speaker 1:
[04:06] Last but not least, our final contestant from the Cockfight Podcast with a record of 1 and 0. He is a story warrior. Make some noise for the hilarious Lev Fer.

Speaker 10:
[04:25] What's up?

Speaker 2:
[04:26] What's up, Lev? You are a winner. You look like you stole that jersey from a quarterback.

Speaker 10:
[04:32] I chose a number after what I did all day.

Speaker 1:
[04:42] We have a, what an amazing fucking panel. If you are not familiar with Story Warz, it is your first time listening at home. It's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Luis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. The first night's subject, shock.

Speaker 8:
[04:58] Alex, they hated that subject.

Speaker 2:
[05:01] They're like, meh, whatever.

Speaker 10:
[05:03] I think they were just shocked.

Speaker 1:
[05:05] Holy shit. Alex, our lovely producer, is gonna take eight of those stories at random and read them one at a time. It will appear here on this screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Speaker 2:
[05:20] Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. And when it's your story, each person you fool in the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you get an opportunity to get four points. It's a huge opportunity. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put your dry erase board right in the slot, remove your hand, that is your final answer. You cannot change your answer after that. And I'll tell you right now, we're going to have so much fun tonight. You guys are going to have more, Joanna, you're going to have more fun than you've ever had, including triple gang bangs. There's going to be more fun than all of that, but we don't play for fun.

Speaker 1:
[05:46] There's no such thing as a triple gang bang, Luis.

Speaker 8:
[05:48] There's a triple gang bang, yes, there is.

Speaker 1:
[05:49] It's one gang bang.

Speaker 7:
[05:51] I was going to say, what's a triple in your brain? Like how do you picture that going down?

Speaker 8:
[05:57] Three guys, one room.

Speaker 1:
[05:58] Like bouncing from different rooms perhaps?

Speaker 2:
[06:01] Oh, okay. Here's the thing, it's going to be fun, but we're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Speaker 1:
[06:06] Every week here at Story Warz, we are playing for a book from the Story Warz Library. Tonight's winner will take home the complete encyclopedia of Close Up Magic by Walter Gibson.

Speaker 2:
[06:18] It's a big one.

Speaker 1:
[06:18] That's a goodie.

Speaker 2:
[06:19] It's my book.

Speaker 10:
[06:21] I've been eyeing that bad boy since I walked out here.

Speaker 1:
[06:24] The complete encyclopedia of Close Up Magic is the comprehensive guide to the art of magic, performed in front of an up-close audience. The book breaks down all the classic tricks like guessing a playing card from a deck or making coins completely disappear, making it a practical resource for both beginners and experienced magicians alike. I need aphrodite for this, my Judaism is acting up.

Speaker 10:
[06:54] That's your book, Luis?

Speaker 1:
[06:56] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[06:57] I'd love to picture how many women stared at that while you assaulted them in your house. They went to a safe place.

Speaker 1:
[07:03] Eleven. Yeah, they're fingernail DNAs on this. He really needs to take this book home. I think everybody who gets it, gets it. If you don't, you'll pick it up as we go along. But is this crowd ready for war?

Speaker 2:
[07:18] Come on, guys, are you ready for war?

Speaker 1:
[07:24] And without any further ado, Alexandra, story number one.

Speaker 11:
[07:32] Story number one. I once saw an old woman slip on ice and crack her head open on concrete. I was in shock, so I froze and didn't help.

Speaker 1:
[07:51] This could be Luis. You might freeze in an old lady clucking her head on the ground, think they're gonna blame you for it in some way.

Speaker 2:
[07:58] Not sure, dude, I'm, I help. I'm a helper.

Speaker 1:
[08:02] Why is this on your back?

Speaker 10:
[08:04] You have a bit in a special about not helping a woman screaming.

Speaker 1:
[08:09] You love not helping. It's like your thing.

Speaker 2:
[08:13] Yeah, I mean, look, we've all heard that before, right? You've heard a woman screaming for help in the distance, and you're like, well, I'm just going to go home.

Speaker 9:
[08:19] Or underneath you.

Speaker 8:
[08:23] I thought I was helping.

Speaker 1:
[08:25] Itches away from your face.

Speaker 4:
[08:26] You are the problem.

Speaker 1:
[08:28] Wait, what?

Speaker 9:
[08:31] Let's see.

Speaker 1:
[08:32] It's so innocuous.

Speaker 10:
[08:33] I kind of think this is one of the boys because they said old woman, and I feel like the lady-

Speaker 2:
[08:39] And the other two girls on the panel are old women?

Speaker 8:
[08:41] Yeah. It's like, how much older do they get?

Speaker 9:
[08:43] I once saw myself in a reflection.

Speaker 5:
[08:47] I don't know any of you, so I really don't. I don't exactly know. I'm going to lose this game.

Speaker 1:
[08:52] No, not necessarily because he's the thing.

Speaker 5:
[08:55] I mean, I don't know any of you well enough to know who would help.

Speaker 2:
[08:57] Joanna, we are old friends. I've jerked off to you so many times.

Speaker 8:
[09:01] I can't believe you don't know that.

Speaker 1:
[09:03] You have no idea how much intimate knowledge of you I have.

Speaker 5:
[09:06] Yeah, but I have-

Speaker 2:
[09:07] Joanna, I put my oculus on.

Speaker 8:
[09:09] You've been unwinding me.

Speaker 2:
[09:11] And I do a lot of this.

Speaker 1:
[09:12] He's been mentally inside of you.

Speaker 5:
[09:15] But I don't know if he would help an old woman or not.

Speaker 1:
[09:18] Well, this story is... This is a tough one. This is good in a sense, because it's very like, it doesn't really tell you anything.

Speaker 2:
[09:25] Who wouldn't help an old woman? I'm getting Lev Fer vibes.

Speaker 10:
[09:28] You, motherfucker.

Speaker 8:
[09:29] This is you. I'm starting to feel this is you.

Speaker 1:
[09:32] I think I would help, but I also understand seeing it be a situation bigger than you, you're like, I don't know if I have to sit here while we get an ambulance time.

Speaker 2:
[09:42] I mean, I'll say it right now, like when I see blood, I have to walk in the opposite direction, but I wouldn't freeze. I would literally run away from it.

Speaker 1:
[09:51] I'm thinking, I feel like, and by the way, you get the idea that it's one of the guys Lev, which I feel the same way. I think it's you or Luis.

Speaker 10:
[09:59] I think it's one of you. I think Jay might be lie selling right now. I think he's, I think he might be on it. I also, it's not me because Fat Guy's never going out on the ice anyways, I'm no where near ice. I'm not risking that.

Speaker 1:
[10:11] I braved the ice and I pay the price almost once a year.

Speaker 2:
[10:16] I think a woman is going to help an old woman that falls down.

Speaker 1:
[10:19] Me too.

Speaker 9:
[10:19] But then that's why we would write the story.

Speaker 10:
[10:23] Why don't you get defensive immediately?

Speaker 4:
[10:25] Because it's, I don't know.

Speaker 9:
[10:28] Because that's, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[10:29] Is it Maddy?

Speaker 10:
[10:30] It might be Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[10:31] Shut up.

Speaker 2:
[10:33] But I feel like, all right, so Joanna does porn and that means you're soulless, so.

Speaker 7:
[10:37] What? No, that means I am full of love and soul.

Speaker 1:
[10:43] Well, technically she's been full of soul, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 8:
[10:46] Yeah, soul brother. Ah, this is definitely one of the boys.

Speaker 7:
[10:57] Her head split open?

Speaker 1:
[10:58] The freeze is crazy. The freeze up and the help is like, that means someone who's like, blood.

Speaker 5:
[11:04] Like, I froze and didn't help. It's like not good excuse.

Speaker 2:
[11:07] I don't love blood.

Speaker 6:
[11:08] It's like he just stood there?

Speaker 9:
[11:09] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[11:10] And I agree, I think the girls would help. I think no matter what, they stop what they're doing and go, well, now I gotta get involved.

Speaker 2:
[11:17] I did see Joanne dress as a nurse once in a porn, so I feel like that had to come from somewhere.

Speaker 1:
[11:23] Yeah, Hippocratic Oath, she actually would have to help this old lady. The Hippocratic Oath in pornography still holds true. She could be sued if she doesn't help.

Speaker 2:
[11:34] I feel like Lev has won the game before and he's playing the game right now.

Speaker 1:
[11:37] Me too. Or it's you, you fuck. It's gonna hurt me so much if I go with Lev with you and it's you.

Speaker 10:
[11:43] I believe it's Lev. It's not me, Jay, I swear. This is one of you two, but I'm trying to figure out which of you it is. I think it might be Jay because Jay looks a little blushy like I caught him.

Speaker 1:
[11:55] Lev's doing so good because he's making me think it's you.

Speaker 2:
[11:58] Either way, you're drawing an L for the first time.

Speaker 1:
[12:01] Let me do an L and I'll start my thinking.

Speaker 2:
[12:05] I feel very strongly that this is Lev Fer with this little half mustache.

Speaker 10:
[12:11] So now I'm thinking it might be you and that's why you're voting first.

Speaker 2:
[12:13] Yeah, I bet you do.

Speaker 5:
[12:15] I don't really want to know who this is, to be honest.

Speaker 2:
[12:20] It's the whole show.

Speaker 9:
[12:23] This is traumatic.

Speaker 2:
[12:26] You're fucking up.

Speaker 9:
[12:27] I think it might be Jay because I don't see Luis or Lev really being.

Speaker 1:
[12:32] I have a hero gene in me. I couldn't walk away from this.

Speaker 9:
[12:35] But that's exactly, so you were shocked.

Speaker 2:
[12:37] No, he's got a hero inside of him.

Speaker 8:
[12:40] He's got a hero in his genes, a turkey and cheese hero.

Speaker 1:
[12:44] A turkey roast beef hero with hot cherry pepper relish.

Speaker 9:
[12:50] I don't see Luis or Lev being shocked. I think I see Luis walking right by.

Speaker 5:
[12:56] Sorry, are the stories all true?

Speaker 9:
[12:57] Yeah, the stories are true.

Speaker 1:
[12:58] Oh, the stories always got to be true.

Speaker 2:
[12:59] Joanna, did you submit false stories?

Speaker 7:
[13:02] No, mine were all true, but I didn't know.

Speaker 1:
[13:04] All true. We say stories got to be true.

Speaker 5:
[13:06] Yep, that's what I saw and I always follow the rules.

Speaker 1:
[13:09] You could lie your ass off up here though.

Speaker 8:
[13:11] You could lie as much as you want to.

Speaker 5:
[13:13] I'm actually a really bad liar, so I'm going to be.

Speaker 1:
[13:15] That's what I would say if I was a great liar.

Speaker 10:
[13:17] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[13:18] What if this is Joanna dominating us right now?

Speaker 8:
[13:21] She might.

Speaker 1:
[13:21] Oh, man, if it's her, I'm like, wow, she figured out the game quick.

Speaker 10:
[13:28] I think it's Jay. I'm going with Jay. I think it's Jay.

Speaker 1:
[13:31] Lev just realized he can't vote last. Fuck, or it's going to look bad.

Speaker 8:
[13:35] You're an idiot.

Speaker 2:
[13:36] You fucked up.

Speaker 1:
[13:37] I may have up.

Speaker 8:
[13:38] What's the shade?

Speaker 5:
[13:38] Maddy and Lev?

Speaker 10:
[13:40] Yeah. I'm Billy.

Speaker 8:
[13:43] Billy J.

Speaker 1:
[13:44] Oakerson. We're three to two Jews up here, so we're good.

Speaker 8:
[13:47] We're good.

Speaker 1:
[13:51] It's a tough story because it's...

Speaker 10:
[13:53] She's about to write a name of someone that's not even here. I'm going Robert. I feel strong.

Speaker 1:
[13:58] Peter North.

Speaker 6:
[13:58] Mr. Marcus.

Speaker 3:
[13:59] He came with a plan.

Speaker 5:
[14:01] She's the one I least expect, so I'm just going to put her because I don't know. This is my strategy.

Speaker 10:
[14:07] Have you actually had detectives work that way?

Speaker 6:
[14:08] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[14:10] Who do I know for sure it isn't?

Speaker 10:
[14:11] That's who it is.

Speaker 11:
[14:12] Yep, yep.

Speaker 2:
[14:14] It's two Ds, but it's okay.

Speaker 3:
[14:15] I don't know how to spell.

Speaker 2:
[14:17] Joanna, it's two Ds, like your last thing.

Speaker 1:
[14:20] Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 11:
[14:22] She thinks I'm a guy.

Speaker 9:
[14:23] She thinks I'm trans, per usual.

Speaker 1:
[14:26] I fixed it.

Speaker 9:
[14:26] Some of us don't wear makeup.

Speaker 3:
[14:29] I have some if you want any.

Speaker 9:
[14:31] I need some.

Speaker 1:
[14:32] But both of you have pussy tattoos, and that's what I respect.

Speaker 9:
[14:35] That's right.

Speaker 2:
[14:36] Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story was story number one?

Speaker 11:
[14:40] Story number one belongs to Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 9:
[14:46] All right.

Speaker 2:
[14:50] You're the only one, Jay. This is back in the day when I was selling comedy club tickets.

Speaker 5:
[14:54] You're a bad waiter for me to start a friendship.

Speaker 2:
[14:56] I was selling comedy club tickets, and we were outside of Madison Square Garden. It was in the middle of the winter, and this little old lady slipped on ice, and she cracked her skull open. And I went, oh!

Speaker 8:
[15:09] And then I didn't do anything.

Speaker 1:
[15:10] Your skull's open! Your skull's open!

Speaker 10:
[15:13] He's standing over this woman.

Speaker 4:
[15:14] He's like, Miss, we have Amy Schumer, Chris Rock. Did anyone come over? If you recover, can you see me?

Speaker 1:
[15:22] Gene-opiskelete, Kermesker.

Speaker 2:
[15:25] A bunch of people came over and picked her up, and I was like, oh! And I had to look in the opposite direction, because I hate blood. I hate it. Alex, where are our scores at?

Speaker 11:
[15:36] All right, on the scoreboard in second place with two points, Big Jay Oakerson.

Speaker 1:
[15:44] That feels good.

Speaker 11:
[15:46] And in first place with three points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1:
[15:52] Okay. Very exciting. Alex, story number dos.

Speaker 11:
[16:02] Story number two. While still in high school, I went to a college party with a friend. My friend mentioned he thought his roommate was kind of weird. We got back to their dorm after the party, walked in unannounced and saw his roommate getting his ass pounded by another dude.

Speaker 1:
[16:22] Maddy Smith.

Speaker 8:
[16:24] It screams Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[16:27] No way, because I'm the only one who went to college here.

Speaker 1:
[16:30] It's very possible.

Speaker 7:
[16:31] Guess what? I went to college, guys.

Speaker 1:
[16:34] I did not.

Speaker 5:
[16:35] I graduated college.

Speaker 10:
[16:37] Look where that ends up.

Speaker 7:
[16:38] Stereotyping.

Speaker 2:
[16:38] This is while still in high school, though.

Speaker 7:
[16:40] I just did nothing with my degree, but I graduated.

Speaker 1:
[16:42] Where did you go to college?

Speaker 5:
[16:43] I went to Rutgers.

Speaker 1:
[16:44] Oh, hell yeah. I went to Camden County Community for one month and then quit.

Speaker 5:
[16:49] I graduated with a three-point.

Speaker 2:
[16:50] This is not at college. This is while still in high school. We all went to high school. They went to a college party.

Speaker 1:
[16:55] Oh, okay. That's right. That changes everything.

Speaker 10:
[17:00] This is not Jay. Jay has never written that much in his life. There's no way.

Speaker 8:
[17:04] It's a long prom.

Speaker 1:
[17:05] Quotes. Fucking, I would assume I had friends that would go to college parties.

Speaker 8:
[17:11] This is Maddy.

Speaker 10:
[17:12] I mean, it's 100 percent Maddy. M-A-T-T-Y.

Speaker 1:
[17:16] It's Maddy Smith.

Speaker 9:
[17:20] Definitely not me.

Speaker 1:
[17:21] Maddy Smith fields fucking grounders in Little League.

Speaker 9:
[17:25] Maddy Smith.

Speaker 1:
[17:26] What's up?

Speaker 9:
[17:26] I'm Maddy.

Speaker 1:
[17:27] Maddy Smith turns two.

Speaker 2:
[17:30] I think this could be Joanna as well. This is like the beginning of like, hey, I should do porn in the story.

Speaker 5:
[17:35] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[17:36] He goes, yeah, that guy's.

Speaker 5:
[17:37] He's ass pounded and not me.

Speaker 1:
[17:39] I thought more you see. You go, he goes, well, if this guy could handle it.

Speaker 10:
[17:44] This guy's doing a triple gang bang.

Speaker 1:
[17:47] If this guy's still smiling through that fucking pounding, what am I, a fucking dude?

Speaker 10:
[17:52] What the fuck am I doing at Rutgers?

Speaker 1:
[17:55] This guy's going the wrong direction. I'm fine.

Speaker 10:
[17:58] This could be Joanna too. It could be Joanna or Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[18:02] What about Luis? Luis went to college.

Speaker 2:
[18:04] I did go to college.

Speaker 5:
[18:05] This doesn't mean the person went to college.

Speaker 6:
[18:07] It just means they went to a party.

Speaker 1:
[18:10] It's making me think also like when I was in high school, no one was inviting me to a college party.

Speaker 2:
[18:14] I was a nerd. I had long hair, eyeliner, was in the drama society. Nobody's invited me to a college party.

Speaker 9:
[18:19] I was in musical theater.

Speaker 2:
[18:21] Were you?

Speaker 9:
[18:21] Yeah. I was in Anything Goes.

Speaker 4:
[18:23] I was in Anything Goes.

Speaker 2:
[18:24] Who did you play?

Speaker 9:
[18:26] Chorus member because I'm a loser.

Speaker 2:
[18:27] I was the purser.

Speaker 10:
[18:29] They both played the same guy.

Speaker 9:
[18:30] I was the purser. This was Joanna. Yep. Okay. Yep.

Speaker 8:
[18:47] That's making me think it's Joanna.

Speaker 2:
[18:48] It might be Joanna.

Speaker 5:
[18:49] I would never call anyone else kind of weird. Like I, especially in high school, I was very weird. I mean, I'm still pretty weird, but like I was...

Speaker 9:
[18:56] The friend said they're weird.

Speaker 5:
[18:57] I was like about like, you know...

Speaker 10:
[18:58] This is Maddy 100%. I'm locking it in.

Speaker 3:
[19:01] What? No.

Speaker 1:
[19:02] Yeah, but you're pretty, so you... No one...

Speaker 6:
[19:06] I was...

Speaker 1:
[19:07] Classic Maddy. Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 5:
[19:09] I wasn't the kind of person to be like, that person's weird. Like I was the person...

Speaker 4:
[19:12] The friend said they were weird.

Speaker 9:
[19:15] That's what it says on the story.

Speaker 5:
[19:17] I don't know. Maybe it's me. It's me.

Speaker 1:
[19:19] I feel like it could be Lev.

Speaker 10:
[19:21] Ass pounded by another dude, I think that's Maddy. I think that wording is Maddy. It's like when you like argue with your girlfriend and you have a great point.

Speaker 9:
[19:34] I'm an eloquent young man. Okay?

Speaker 10:
[19:39] It's Maddy, 100%.

Speaker 2:
[19:40] I mean, it's one of the three on this side. It's not Big Jay. We and Big Jay were not...

Speaker 1:
[19:45] Maddy have not nonstop told the story of the time she saw GaS get his ass pounded out.

Speaker 9:
[19:49] I would be out on Legion of Skanks. Yes, that would have come up. Yeah, this would be in my ass. I would have been... You guys would have known.

Speaker 6:
[19:58] That is so weird that that's weird to you guys.

Speaker 10:
[19:59] This is 1,000%, Maddy. I guarantee it. Lock it in.

Speaker 5:
[20:03] What kind of parties do you guys go to where people don't get pounded in the ass?

Speaker 9:
[20:09] Normal ones.

Speaker 2:
[20:13] I'm really torn right now.

Speaker 10:
[20:16] So is this guy.

Speaker 1:
[20:19] No, no, no, dude. Some tells me there was a lot of spit involved in this.

Speaker 3:
[20:24] You're just like a champ.

Speaker 1:
[20:25] I'm going to fucking throw it.

Speaker 10:
[20:27] It's not me.

Speaker 1:
[20:28] I think Joanna Angel.

Speaker 10:
[20:29] I went to my first college party when I was 26. That's how high I had to soar to go get young pussy.

Speaker 8:
[20:37] It was 10 years later.

Speaker 1:
[20:39] You were strangely like a restricted kid, right?

Speaker 10:
[20:42] Yeah, I was a fat loser. I was doing stand up at 17.

Speaker 8:
[20:44] You were a fat loser.

Speaker 1:
[20:47] Shut up, Luis, not with that gorgeous face. Don't make me start defending that fucking gorgeous ass face.

Speaker 2:
[20:52] Have you not noticed that half his mustache is growing anymore?

Speaker 4:
[20:54] You do this every goddamn time, Luis.

Speaker 2:
[20:55] It's insane.

Speaker 10:
[20:56] Your head is bald.

Speaker 4:
[20:57] Just shave that one, dude.

Speaker 2:
[20:59] You don't need to do that. Why go half a mustache?

Speaker 10:
[21:01] Who gives a shit?

Speaker 1:
[21:03] Alpecia?

Speaker 10:
[21:04] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[21:05] But just stop growing that side in.

Speaker 8:
[21:08] I can't make the other side stop growing.

Speaker 1:
[21:10] Chris Rock got slapped for left more than this.

Speaker 6:
[21:12] Don't talk about my wife like that.

Speaker 1:
[21:14] Keep fucking Lev's name out your mouth.

Speaker 2:
[21:19] I mean, my first insect was Joanna Angel. This is like the origin story of every porn star out there.

Speaker 9:
[21:25] Yeah, I think she jumped in.

Speaker 10:
[21:26] Yeah, but she's saying it was weird to see a guy getting his ass pounded.

Speaker 2:
[21:29] That's weird.

Speaker 10:
[21:30] And that's not sex-positive.

Speaker 1:
[21:31] Yo, what do you think Lev's lips gonna play GI.

Speaker 2:
[21:33] Jane, dude?

Speaker 10:
[21:36] It's Maddy. It's 1000% Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[21:39] I feel like it's Luis or Joanna. Well, Luis just had one, so I'm gonna say Joanna.

Speaker 2:
[21:43] You can do two in a row. It's all random.

Speaker 1:
[21:45] You guys are giving Maddy free points?

Speaker 10:
[21:47] Why are you doing this? It's so weird.

Speaker 7:
[21:48] I don't know why you're so obsessed with me.

Speaker 9:
[21:50] I don't know you at all.

Speaker 1:
[21:51] Oh, shit.

Speaker 10:
[21:52] I've known you for 10 years.

Speaker 1:
[21:52] That might be her.

Speaker 10:
[21:54] Dude, Luis, I'm telling you, she's gonna get points. It's Maddy. It's 1000% Maddy.

Speaker 2:
[21:58] I'm getting Joanna Angel vibes.

Speaker 1:
[22:00] And Joanna might be right with Lev.

Speaker 9:
[22:02] And the whiteboards are up.

Speaker 1:
[22:04] Nobody picked Maddy, though.

Speaker 8:
[22:05] Nobody picked Maddy if it's Maddy.

Speaker 2:
[22:07] This is crazy.

Speaker 10:
[22:08] You guys are idiots, man.

Speaker 1:
[22:08] Alex, all the answers are in.

Speaker 11:
[22:12] Story number two belongs to Maddy Smith.

Speaker 4:
[22:15] Oh, it's Maddy. I fucking told you.

Speaker 1:
[22:21] Matthew Smith, you lied right to my face.

Speaker 9:
[22:25] And what do you want of it?

Speaker 3:
[22:26] I almost picked you and then I was like, oh.

Speaker 9:
[22:29] Matthew said it right away. I thought everyone was going to write on it. And then it kept going on.

Speaker 8:
[22:32] Matilda J.

Speaker 2:
[22:34] Smith.

Speaker 9:
[22:35] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[22:36] Tell us the story. What happened?

Speaker 9:
[22:37] So I went.

Speaker 4:
[22:39] So I went.

Speaker 9:
[22:43] I went to a party at University of Buffalo. I got blackout out of my mind. I wasn't saying he was weird. You guys are making me sound homophobic. My friend was like, my roommate's kind of, you know, something's off about him.

Speaker 5:
[22:56] We all skipped over and just went straight to the ass pounding.

Speaker 9:
[22:58] And then we came home. I threw up in a car.

Speaker 2:
[23:02] Because you're still a homosexual activity?

Speaker 9:
[23:03] Not yet. Not yet.

Speaker 1:
[23:06] You go, there's gays in the area.

Speaker 9:
[23:09] I knew it. I felt it. We opened the door. The twin bed is facing the door and his face and the guy's face behind him. And I remember his face was like, eeeh!

Speaker 4:
[23:20] Oh, he liked it.

Speaker 9:
[23:21] I was blackout. I was like, eeeh! It was awesome. I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[23:26] You'll never forget that.

Speaker 9:
[23:28] I actually only remembered it as the shocking stories. I remembered it last night.

Speaker 1:
[23:34] That's shocking.

Speaker 9:
[23:36] It is shocking.

Speaker 2:
[23:36] That is very shocking.

Speaker 9:
[23:37] It's more shocking than an old woman falling down.

Speaker 10:
[23:40] That's true.

Speaker 1:
[23:41] I know. What a pansy, right?

Speaker 9:
[23:42] Maybe you need a break from the show.

Speaker 2:
[23:46] Alex, where are our points at? Two stories down.

Speaker 11:
[23:48] All right. In last place with zero points, Joanna Angel. Tied for third place with two points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Lev Fer. Tied for first place with three points each, Luis J. Gomez and Maddy Smith.

Speaker 1:
[24:11] It's early. It's early.

Speaker 11:
[24:14] Good luck.

Speaker 1:
[24:18] Hey, StoryWarz, real quick, let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here, new sponsor, and that is Shopify. You know, when you start a business, there's a lot of what ifs and Shopify is here to help you. It's a commerce platform behind millions of businesses. Shopify has easy to use tools to help your businesses grow all in one place. You can customize your brand in the Shopify design studio, reach customers very quickly with their marketing tool, and Shopify can even help manage inventory and international shipping.

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[25:08] You bullshitting me?

Speaker 2:
[25:09] It's really good, right here.

Speaker 1:
[25:10] Okay, whatever. Let me see. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

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[25:20] You can't even keep up with all that Shopify.

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Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
[26:25] Well, I gotta be honest with you, I've started learning more about sports because I'm on PrizePix, and every time I'm watching a sporting event with my buds, now I'm sitting there, I got a little skin in the game. Once you start caring, you start looking and listening and watching. I kind of feel like I'm becoming a sports aficionado because of PrizePix.

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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 11:
[27:38] Where were we?

Speaker 8:
[27:39] Alex, story number three.

Speaker 11:
[27:42] Story number three. I was dating someone who told me they couldn't hang out because their cousin was staying over. I stopped by anyway and walked in on them fucking. Turns out it wasn't their cousin, just a very attractive person visiting from Miami.

Speaker 1:
[28:02] How is this not Joanna?

Speaker 10:
[28:03] It has to be Joanna. It has to be.

Speaker 1:
[28:05] Someone's visiting from Miami. None of us know anybody like that.

Speaker 10:
[28:09] This is all, yeah, because a comic would put something funny, we're very attractive person there. This has got to be Joanna. Now, that's porn acting right there.

Speaker 8:
[28:24] Put the pizza down there.

Speaker 1:
[28:26] I didn't order a pizza, sir. Excuse me, my husband will be home momentarily.

Speaker 9:
[28:34] You're my stepdad.

Speaker 1:
[28:37] And my stepbrother. How?

Speaker 9:
[28:42] So should we talk about it and pretend it always was?

Speaker 1:
[28:44] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[28:48] I'm giving Joanna vibes. Joanna, this is your story to deny. How is this not your story?

Speaker 5:
[28:52] I've never seen this story in my life. I don't even know what Miami is.

Speaker 1:
[29:01] It's a place full of very attractive people.

Speaker 5:
[29:05] Sounds like whoever's story this is.

Speaker 6:
[29:08] That sounds like a bad night.

Speaker 10:
[29:10] It's 95% her, but would anybody else be the type to stop by anyway if they're told to not go?

Speaker 8:
[29:17] That's a guy thing right there, by the way.

Speaker 10:
[29:19] That's a 5% Luis.

Speaker 1:
[29:22] Let me tell you something, Lev.

Speaker 4:
[29:24] Has this happened before?

Speaker 1:
[29:25] I'm telling you, I'm having deja vu almost with the way Joanna is like, it seems very obvious it is her story, but this has fucked us before. Where someone's been like, yeah, haha, and they're laughing, and then it's a different person, and it's a great play. I wrote Joanna, but now I'm not confidently putting it in.

Speaker 2:
[29:42] Either way, I'm jerking off to this story tonight.

Speaker 1:
[29:46] Oh, even if it's Lev.

Speaker 2:
[29:47] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[29:47] It's not Luis. Luis is too chill right now.

Speaker 2:
[29:50] It would be Luis. Here's the thing, I stopped drinking and stopped smoking, but I'm very drunk right now.

Speaker 1:
[29:56] It doesn't matter. I'd know the story of Luis walking in on his fucking chicken or cousin fucking.

Speaker 5:
[30:02] Is anyone from the south?

Speaker 1:
[30:05] Never mind.

Speaker 7:
[30:13] I don't know. It seems like...

Speaker 10:
[30:16] I appreciate the effort.

Speaker 2:
[30:23] I mean, obviously, it's Joanna. I was going to try to waste more time, but here we are, Joanna.

Speaker 1:
[30:33] What the fuck do you think that says?

Speaker 2:
[30:36] It says Jo-nana.

Speaker 1:
[30:37] It says Jo-an-ah-la.

Speaker 2:
[30:39] Jo-an-ah-la.

Speaker 1:
[30:40] Jo-an-ah-la.

Speaker 2:
[30:41] It's Jo-Luis.

Speaker 1:
[30:43] Ah, no. That makes me happy. I don't know why. I don't know why that makes me so happy.

Speaker 2:
[30:47] Because you put your spell there wrong?

Speaker 1:
[30:48] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[30:48] She put Maddy wrong, too.

Speaker 1:
[30:50] I know, but I don't know why it makes me happy.

Speaker 2:
[30:53] Alex, all of our answers are in. Tell us why it's Joanna.

Speaker 11:
[30:58] Story number three belongs to Joanna Angel.

Speaker 1:
[31:09] Joanna, what's the story?

Speaker 5:
[31:11] I mean, well, yeah. Last Wednesday was a really bad night.

Speaker 1:
[31:16] It was last Wednesday?

Speaker 2:
[31:18] It was last Wednesday?

Speaker 5:
[31:19] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[31:20] Really?

Speaker 5:
[31:21] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[31:22] It was last week?

Speaker 5:
[31:23] Yeah, it was last week.

Speaker 2:
[31:24] That's wild.

Speaker 3:
[31:26] Yeah, it really sucked.

Speaker 2:
[31:28] And you broke up with this guy?

Speaker 5:
[31:30] I mean.

Speaker 10:
[31:31] She just started sobbing?

Speaker 5:
[31:32] I don't think I really had a choice.

Speaker 1:
[31:35] You said he was your boyfriend? You were monogamous?

Speaker 5:
[31:38] I mean. Ish.

Speaker 1:
[31:40] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[31:41] I mean, there were things that were allowed, but that was not one of them.

Speaker 1:
[31:46] And you walked in on it happening. What happened? Was there an argument, a fight? They stopped? Did they keep going? Were they just like, go?

Speaker 5:
[31:54] Yeah. Yeah, they did.

Speaker 2:
[31:55] They're like, get in. Are you hungry?

Speaker 5:
[31:57] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[31:58] That's what I would have done.

Speaker 5:
[31:59] They did stop. And then the girl said like, I was like, what is going on? I mean, I see what's going on, but...

Speaker 9:
[32:08] It's a very attractive person for my enemy.

Speaker 3:
[32:09] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[32:12] You walk in, you're like, you're fucking your cousin?

Speaker 3:
[32:15] I said, is this your cousin?

Speaker 2:
[32:19] And what did he say?

Speaker 9:
[32:20] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[32:21] He said...

Speaker 9:
[32:21] Yes, family song.

Speaker 10:
[32:24] Sorry, we're weird.

Speaker 5:
[32:25] Yeah, we're weird.

Speaker 9:
[32:26] That'd be better if it was.

Speaker 5:
[32:27] Yeah. I mean, yeah, he said, he said, get out of my house. And I said, this is terrible. I should make something up.

Speaker 10:
[32:39] She's like, wrong house. My bad.

Speaker 8:
[32:40] Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 3:
[32:41] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[32:42] Yeah, but yeah, and she was like, she was like, you could do better than him.

Speaker 2:
[32:49] You could do better.

Speaker 3:
[32:50] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[32:51] She's like, yeah. She said, you could do better than him. Now, get out of here so I can finish him off.

Speaker 3:
[32:55] Focus on yourself.

Speaker 6:
[32:56] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 5:
[32:57] I was like, like right.

Speaker 1:
[32:59] You got to love yourself before you love somebody else.

Speaker 7:
[33:00] Gawk, gawk, gawk, gawk, gawk.

Speaker 5:
[33:03] I was like, that's really nice of you to say, but I don't think I'm going to do that like right this minute, but.

Speaker 1:
[33:09] Oh my God. Did you just say you had no confrontation with her?

Speaker 5:
[33:12] Yeah. I mean, I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm going.

Speaker 1:
[33:16] Was she lied to also?

Speaker 5:
[33:17] What?

Speaker 1:
[33:17] Was she lied to also?

Speaker 5:
[33:18] Yeah. Yeah, I guess she was lied to.

Speaker 2:
[33:20] You know what you should do?

Speaker 3:
[33:21] I mean, I was like, I'm in trouble.

Speaker 2:
[33:22] You should totally suck off a comedian tonight to get back at him.

Speaker 5:
[33:24] I should.

Speaker 3:
[33:25] That's actually why I came here.

Speaker 10:
[33:26] That rule's going to us out. I was thinking that.

Speaker 3:
[33:28] Honestly.

Speaker 1:
[33:29] In my mind, I was like, she should suck up a comedian to get over shit like that.

Speaker 5:
[33:33] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[33:34] You know what? Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 5:
[33:35] I choose her, though.

Speaker 4:
[33:36] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[33:38] I'm sorry.

Speaker 7:
[33:39] I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong.

Speaker 1:
[33:40] Maddy, your neck was built to fucking a 69-year-old chick.

Speaker 9:
[33:43] That's right.

Speaker 6:
[33:43] I knew it.

Speaker 9:
[33:44] Your big dick.

Speaker 6:
[33:45] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[33:47] That felt horrible to say.

Speaker 1:
[33:49] You're clittest. One of my Maddy Smiths, she has a huge clit.

Speaker 9:
[33:53] Forobbing.

Speaker 2:
[33:53] We have to have a new role on the show. No stories from the past week. That made me sad. I don't know what you said.

Speaker 1:
[33:58] I do feel terrible.

Speaker 10:
[34:00] I feel bad, too.

Speaker 1:
[34:01] I feel like we fucking brought you out on a night where you should be sitting home sad.

Speaker 3:
[34:05] It's not what you guys do.

Speaker 9:
[34:05] It's supposed to be like, old-

Speaker 3:
[34:06] You laugh about your trauma.

Speaker 1:
[34:07] Jump back into the world. You're right.

Speaker 9:
[34:09] That's right.

Speaker 1:
[34:12] A true hero, a patriot, a true American.

Speaker 2:
[34:17] USA.

Speaker 1:
[34:19] USA. USA.

Speaker 5:
[34:24] So I'm available.

Speaker 1:
[34:27] Damn, do you look at all the guys pretending they're not excited about that when they're sitting with their chicks. You fucking dumb asshole. These business guys are going to make an offer. This guy's going to say, after the show, he's going to be like, hey, how available?

Speaker 4:
[34:41] Oh, you're really though.

Speaker 1:
[34:43] I'm just fucking around. I'm in town for a day or two.

Speaker 5:
[34:46] I'm so mad because I cleaned up the whole apartment that day. So I wanted to just mess it back up.

Speaker 2:
[34:51] Oh, no.

Speaker 5:
[34:53] Okay, I didn't mean to make this sad.

Speaker 1:
[34:54] No, it's fine.

Speaker 9:
[34:55] You're just making all those guys go running.

Speaker 1:
[34:56] Listen.

Speaker 2:
[34:58] Joanna, the only way I can come is if I'm sad.

Speaker 8:
[35:01] It's true. It is true.

Speaker 1:
[35:02] Alex, what are our scores?

Speaker 5:
[35:03] I was trying to make it into like a porn.

Speaker 3:
[35:05] I was like, I don't know, I could join in.

Speaker 1:
[35:07] You can.

Speaker 3:
[35:08] They were not into that.

Speaker 2:
[35:08] And they said no.

Speaker 5:
[35:09] No.

Speaker 1:
[35:10] Really? You said, let me just jump in?

Speaker 5:
[35:11] Yeah, I was like, well, she's hot.

Speaker 1:
[35:13] Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 7:
[35:14] I swear.

Speaker 1:
[35:14] He said no?

Speaker 7:
[35:15] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[35:15] Don't worry, you got it early. That's a gay man. Alex, our scores, our points. That guy was a gay man.

Speaker 9:
[35:21] She had to weird guy.

Speaker 1:
[35:23] That's a weird fucking guy. That's a fucking weird guy.

Speaker 5:
[35:26] No one invited me.

Speaker 1:
[35:28] Hey, how about I fuck both of you?

Speaker 5:
[35:30] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[35:30] What? I just got caught cheating and your offer was to fuck both of you. No, let's have an awkward conversation instead. What a psycho. That guy sucked.

Speaker 7:
[35:39] I know.

Speaker 1:
[35:40] Damn, dude.

Speaker 7:
[35:41] Literally, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[35:42] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[35:44] Dude, that was awesome. You got to date a girl that if she walks in on you cheating, she's like, is it my birthday?

Speaker 4:
[35:51] What are we celebrating?

Speaker 1:
[35:53] Oh, my God, is it Flag Day?

Speaker 4:
[35:55] I didn't look at the calendar.

Speaker 5:
[35:56] I said if you want to fuck someone else, just invite me.

Speaker 11:
[35:59] Wow.

Speaker 10:
[36:00] I'm sorry.

Speaker 1:
[36:01] This guy's invited. You were in love with a homosexual man.

Speaker 11:
[36:05] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[36:06] We call that the Christine.

Speaker 1:
[36:08] Yeah. Christine's a homosexual man.

Speaker 3:
[36:12] I was kind of new at dating.

Speaker 5:
[36:14] Why did he say it was his cousin?

Speaker 6:
[36:17] Just like, because I was like, oh, I'm going to meet your cousin.

Speaker 2:
[36:20] Joanna, work through this after the show.

Speaker 8:
[36:22] Alex, what was that?

Speaker 7:
[36:23] By the way, I should have sex with his cousin.

Speaker 8:
[36:25] You should have sex with me.

Speaker 1:
[36:28] On my life? On my life, I've heard more than once a guy cheating, saying like, this chick is my cousin. And then you go, that's a weirdly.

Speaker 5:
[36:39] It is actually decriminalized in New York and New Jersey to have sex with your cousin.

Speaker 1:
[36:45] I thought we had a civil suit on this fucking asshole.

Speaker 5:
[36:47] Yeah. But it's not his cousin.

Speaker 1:
[36:49] Every once in a while, Joanna's Jewish does come out.

Speaker 8:
[36:52] Let's sue this.

Speaker 9:
[36:53] It's actually illegal.

Speaker 5:
[36:54] And then, yeah, I looked and it was like, it said you could date your cousin, you can't marry them.

Speaker 7:
[37:00] So I was like, well, this won't go anywhere.

Speaker 9:
[37:02] Luis just blew a sigh of relief.

Speaker 5:
[37:03] It's casual.

Speaker 9:
[37:05] Man.

Speaker 5:
[37:05] But it wasn't his cousin.

Speaker 2:
[37:06] Alex, where are our points at for the fourth time?

Speaker 9:
[37:09] All right.

Speaker 11:
[37:10] In last place with zero points, Joanna Angel.

Speaker 2:
[37:17] That's what the guy said when you walked in.

Speaker 11:
[37:21] Tied for third place with four points, each Big Jay Oakerson and Lev Fer. And in the lead with five points, each Luis J. Gomez and Maddy Smith.

Speaker 1:
[37:36] I want to make sure everybody keeps their eyes on the prize. If you win tonight, you take home the complete encyclopedia of close-up magic, which teaches not just how tricks are done, but why they work. Learn the mechanics behind the tricks like mind reading and the mysterious vanishing glowing red dot. Readers learn how small movements and simple actions turn into unforgettable moments of surprise.

Speaker 4:
[38:18] Wait, it's the actual cap, it's the cap, it's the original cap.

Speaker 1:
[38:25] I'm a plant. Alex. Story number four.

Speaker 11:
[38:33] Story number four. A woman punched the hood of my car and trotted off. No cap, I circled the block to find her and get out to spit in her face. She was shocked.

Speaker 2:
[38:51] I mean, I would think Big Jay, because he has crazy, violent road rage.

Speaker 1:
[38:55] I do have a road rage. What does no cap mean?

Speaker 9:
[38:57] I heard St. St. No cap in my life.

Speaker 2:
[38:58] No cap means you lie. No lie. Lev is trying to stick to his youth.

Speaker 10:
[39:05] I think no cap is something Alex corrected. I don't think anybody here would use no cap.

Speaker 2:
[39:09] No, no, no. Alex wouldn't write no cap.

Speaker 5:
[39:10] I've never heard that phrase before.

Speaker 1:
[39:12] I think if she put that in, that would be weird.

Speaker 10:
[39:13] You have a spitting fight story.

Speaker 2:
[39:16] Big Jay will spit in somebody's face.

Speaker 10:
[39:17] Yeah. What's that story you have that didn't you spit in some lady's face?

Speaker 1:
[39:22] No, it was a guy.

Speaker 2:
[39:23] Joanna also has a spitting story, a different story.

Speaker 5:
[39:29] I like spitting in my face, but yeah.

Speaker 2:
[39:32] Joanna, do you like a spit in your face?

Speaker 5:
[39:34] I do, yeah. I wouldn't punch somebody's car to get that though.

Speaker 2:
[39:39] This guy lost a goddamn angel.

Speaker 5:
[39:42] I know, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[39:45] I spit in a Jamaican guy's face.

Speaker 5:
[39:47] You guys might not think this, but I'm a really good girlfriend.

Speaker 8:
[39:51] I believe that. Me and Jairus's crib, we believe it.

Speaker 1:
[39:55] But has to be understanding work is work.

Speaker 6:
[40:00] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[40:01] I'm a really good girlfriend. You just have to watch me fuck guys every week.

Speaker 7:
[40:05] It's not every week, it's every day.

Speaker 1:
[40:10] I don't know why I feel like I can get over it.

Speaker 6:
[40:12] Yeah, you could.

Speaker 1:
[40:13] I feel like I could.

Speaker 6:
[40:14] Yep.

Speaker 2:
[40:16] No cap. I mean, it could look, realistically speaking, it could be anybody here.

Speaker 10:
[40:20] Maddy is very quiet and her foot is going nuts under this table.

Speaker 2:
[40:24] No cap.

Speaker 1:
[40:25] Sure, Maddy is on Wild and Out.

Speaker 5:
[40:28] This is not like a compliment, this is not like a sexy spit in the face. This is like an angry spit in the face. Yeah, yeah, and like I don't feel safe.

Speaker 2:
[40:38] I mean, I'll have a girl spit in my mouth but not in my face. That's insane.

Speaker 10:
[40:42] This is Jay or Maddy, this is a fight. This is Jay or Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[40:47] Well, he's not a woman.

Speaker 1:
[40:49] Well, I wouldn't lie. If no cap means lie, I wouldn't circle back to, I wouldn't lie about that.

Speaker 8:
[40:58] That feels like Jay, doesn't it?

Speaker 10:
[41:00] Because he has a story where he likes, some guy was being a cunt and he spit in their face. I remember thinking, oh, that's like, I never think to spit in somebody's face.

Speaker 4:
[41:07] I feel like Jay's doing well enough.

Speaker 1:
[41:08] It was a Jamaican guy who fucking got out of his car. And then when he got out of his car, we squared up, but then he wasn't moving forward at all. So then I went back in my car and then he spit on my window. And then I poured water all over his spit. And I was like, it's gone already, dude. It was the weirdest thing I've ever been a part of. I swore it was my last road rage ever.

Speaker 10:
[41:31] I remember at Skank Fest, some lady like freaked out and was being a cunt. And either she spit in someone's face or you spit in her face.

Speaker 1:
[41:38] I've never spit in a woman's face, no.

Speaker 2:
[41:40] I feel like Jay has enough going on.

Speaker 1:
[41:42] If you ask.

Speaker 2:
[41:44] I feel like Jay has enough going on that he wouldn't admit to spitting in a woman's face. This seems like career suicide to admit that, unless you're a woman.

Speaker 1:
[41:52] This feels Maddy. Wait, but do you drive?

Speaker 9:
[41:57] I don't know.

Speaker 1:
[41:58] Oh, shit.

Speaker 9:
[41:59] Story Wars.

Speaker 2:
[41:59] I mean, Mad is the first three letters of the word Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[42:02] So this can't be me because I would never say trotted off, trotted off, trotted.

Speaker 2:
[42:16] The only reason I think it could be Big Jay.

Speaker 5:
[42:17] What kind of car do you have?

Speaker 2:
[42:19] Big Jay is using words that nobody else would use to try to throw people off, I feel like.

Speaker 9:
[42:23] Yeah, no cap.

Speaker 10:
[42:24] Circled the block, that has to be you, Jay. You know a fucking, that's like a rap slur. You're throwing that in there to get themselves dissent. I circled the block.

Speaker 1:
[42:34] No cap, you punch my car, I fucking, no cap, I circled the block.

Speaker 2:
[42:41] I mean, here's the thing, if somebody punched Jay's car, I could see him getting enraged. Jay has crazy road rage.

Speaker 1:
[42:46] Yeah. He's not wrong. I do have crazy road rage.

Speaker 2:
[42:49] That's where you and I see eye to eye.

Speaker 1:
[42:52] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's where we do hit it. It's something that in traffic, if I have to get out, I'm getting out.

Speaker 2:
[42:58] No matter what color you are, I'm calling you the N-word in traffic.

Speaker 1:
[43:01] Absolutely true. That is true. I can't argue with it is. Okay, nice.

Speaker 10:
[43:06] I'm locking in on Jay. I think this is Jay.

Speaker 2:
[43:08] I'm saying Big Jay or Maddy vibes.

Speaker 9:
[43:10] I don't think Lev ever had a car.

Speaker 1:
[43:11] I don't think Lev's a driver.

Speaker 10:
[43:13] Yeah, I don't have a car.

Speaker 2:
[43:14] Lev had a motorcycle that he couldn't afford to pay for anymore.

Speaker 10:
[43:17] Repossessed. They kind of spit in my face on that one.

Speaker 9:
[43:20] No.

Speaker 10:
[43:20] They took it back? They took it back, Jay.

Speaker 9:
[43:25] Could also be Luis. What?

Speaker 10:
[43:28] Then you wonder why my mustache is gone.

Speaker 2:
[43:31] I'm getting Big Jay vibes.

Speaker 10:
[43:33] I'm feeling Jay.

Speaker 5:
[43:37] I don't have a car. I haven't had a car in years. But maybe this happened a long time ago.

Speaker 1:
[43:40] I could possibly jump here. Ooh.

Speaker 4:
[43:44] Who'd you put, Jay?

Speaker 1:
[43:45] Maddy. I might be able to jump.

Speaker 4:
[43:48] Luis.

Speaker 2:
[43:49] Really. What a dumbass you are. What a stupid asshole Maddy is.

Speaker 6:
[43:54] Am I a stupid asshole?

Speaker 1:
[43:56] Alex. Everyone's answers are in.

Speaker 11:
[43:59] Story number four belongs to Big Jay Oakerson.

Speaker 10:
[44:05] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[44:07] No cap. I knew that was Big Jay.

Speaker 10:
[44:09] Detective Luis cracked that one with the Lego. That was nice.

Speaker 1:
[44:11] Yo, no cap. No cap. I saw the block. That means I got a point, right? No. It was on my block. When I lived in the East Village, Christine was in the car with me, and the thing, I was letting her go, and then she didn't go, so I started turning, and then she was like, oh, you got my way, and she fucking wailed my car, and I stared at Christine. I was like, go fight that girl. And Christine was like, what? I go, no, this is where you're a girl, so you have to get out, and you just go beat her to death. And she goes, what? No, I'm not gonna, I go, ugh. And then while we're arguing about this, the girl gets like a block away, so I fucking zip around and circle the block, and I go, is that, that's her. And then I got out, and I go, hey, and she goes, oh my God, what? And I went, whew, whew, whew. And then I got back in the car, and I drove away. That's awesome. She was, she was shocked.

Speaker 5:
[45:23] Did you make her come?

Speaker 1:
[45:24] Maybe. She may have come to that later.

Speaker 2:
[45:28] Alex, four stories that were a point set.

Speaker 11:
[45:31] All right, in last place with two points, Joanna Angel.

Speaker 1:
[45:36] On the board, on the board.

Speaker 11:
[45:39] Tied for third place with five points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Maddy Smith. In second place with six points, Lev Fer. And in the lead with seven points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1:
[46:00] Boo!

Speaker 5:
[46:03] I'm the only one here that's never played before, right?

Speaker 10:
[46:05] We can't let Luis win. He already knows these tricks. We gotta pass this on.

Speaker 1:
[46:09] It's a waste of time.

Speaker 2:
[46:11] I read this book front to back. We are four stories down. At this point, we're gonna go, it's our half point of the show. We're gonna get some plugs from the panel. Lev, what are you plugging, my friend?

Speaker 10:
[46:20] New York City, May 8th. Me, Colm Turrell and Tristan Bowling, they're opening. I'm headlining at SESH. Come on out to that. Tickets are on sale now. Winnipeg, Philly, LA, San Diego and a couple other cities on sale. levfercomedy.com. Grab tickets. Follow me on Instagram and watch Cockfight Podcast. Me and the boys. I expected a big cheer on that.

Speaker 4:
[46:40] Yeah!

Speaker 10:
[46:43] Stop, stop. And yeah, watch Cockfight. That's it. Thank you.

Speaker 9:
[46:48] Hey, everybody. Check me out. I'm on tour. maddysmithcomedy.com. Probably coming to a city near you. I have a monthly show here at New York Comedy Club. And check out the Mad House Podcast here on GaS Digital.

Speaker 10:
[47:01] Hell yeah.

Speaker 1:
[47:03] Joanna Angel.

Speaker 10:
[47:06] Plug it up.

Speaker 5:
[47:07] Okay. You can jerk off to me on the Internet.

Speaker 1:
[47:14] You know what's fucking hilarious? It's just by you have a proactive career. Every guy sitting with his chick in this room has to act like he hasn't whacked off to you.

Speaker 5:
[47:25] Hey, I have a lot of female fans, too.

Speaker 2:
[47:28] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[47:30] Not her.

Speaker 5:
[47:32] Give me five minutes.

Speaker 2:
[47:33] By the way, you guys, by the way, if you go on to...

Speaker 5:
[47:35] The ladies love me.

Speaker 8:
[47:36] If you use your oculus, she'll sit right in your lap.

Speaker 6:
[47:39] Wait, my round of applause...

Speaker 1:
[47:41] You could be the black guy.

Speaker 10:
[47:43] My round of applause, who has jerked off to Joanna in this room?

Speaker 6:
[47:47] Oh, wow. Oh my God, I freely do pieces of shit.

Speaker 4:
[47:50] You pieces of shit. You lie in pieces of shit.

Speaker 1:
[47:54] Oh, I wish we had our lie detector here.

Speaker 6:
[47:55] As if I wasn't rejected enough.

Speaker 1:
[47:58] How dare you insult Joanna Angel.

Speaker 6:
[48:00] Yeah, so mean. Let's take a five minute break and everyone can go and jerk off.

Speaker 2:
[48:06] Yay.

Speaker 9:
[48:07] Five minutes.

Speaker 2:
[48:07] I'm gonna jerk off tonight.

Speaker 6:
[48:09] Oh, okay, good.

Speaker 1:
[48:09] Thank you. J-O-A-N-N-A-A-N-G-E-L.

Speaker 6:
[48:13] Only fans.

Speaker 1:
[48:13] In case you gotta remember that when she falls asleep. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[48:18] Big Jay, what are you plugging, my friend?

Speaker 1:
[48:20] bigjaycomedy.com for tickets to all my shows. Greatest Yapper Live Tour happening right now as we speak. I'm all over the place. Look for a city near you. I'm going straight through. I have no weekends off until June. So I will be in your city or a city near you. Look for a city near you soon. bigjaycomedy.com. Of course, listen to the Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show over here, GaS Digital, The Legion of Motherfucking Skanks. And of course, my YouTube, BigJayOakerson on YouTube. I do live streams now inconsistently.

Speaker 2:
[48:58] Come see me on the road, the Rattle Me This Tour. Come into a city near you. Go to luisofskanks.com, grab tickets for that. Sign up for my mailing list. You get a bonus podcast there. If you guys love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show with pre-release. gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WAR, W-A-R. And you guys will save a couple bucks a month to support the show directly. Make sure you buy my book. I have a book myself. We gave it away a few weeks ago. It's called Knives and Spoons. Go to Amazon or Barnes & Noble. You can get my book. And yeah, just fucking thank you for being real ass dudes.

Speaker 1:
[49:35] All right, we're at the second half of the game, our final four stories. And, Joanna, it's your first time playing, I understand it's probably...

Speaker 5:
[49:44] I don't have a lot of firsts, so...

Speaker 1:
[49:46] It's very nice.

Speaker 5:
[49:47] It's very...

Speaker 1:
[49:49] The ones you had were probably phenomenal. You might feel like you're a little bit out of the game, but you're not, I promise you. This game is much closer than you think, because for the second half, the final four stories, we go, Lev, why don't you tell them?

Speaker 10:
[50:05] I'm pretty sure for the second half we go double points.

Speaker 1:
[50:14] That is correct, Joanna. It doesn't matter how bad the first half possibly went. We get to change it all in the second half, because before, where if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct answer, you got two points. Now, that actually jumps up to double points. Alex, would you please? They have Sour Patch Kids here. Story number five.

Speaker 11:
[50:57] Story number five.

Speaker 10:
[50:58] Wait, now Joanna's not the only one eating kids tonight.

Speaker 11:
[51:08] One time I started arguing with my mother while she was cooking, and she threw the knife she was holding at me. I never argued with her while she cooked again.

Speaker 10:
[51:18] This feels like a porn star origin story.

Speaker 2:
[51:23] It also seems like a Russian Jew origin story.

Speaker 9:
[51:27] Or a Puerto Rican story.

Speaker 2:
[51:28] Don't be that way.

Speaker 9:
[51:29] I'm just saying.

Speaker 2:
[51:31] To be fair, my mother never cooked.

Speaker 10:
[51:34] Maybe that's why she got fed up and threw the knife.

Speaker 9:
[51:37] Come on, I'm trying hamburger help.

Speaker 1:
[51:40] Luis' mother was on heroin. She got wrong, so I don't know if she was doing a lot of cooking, but maybe the one time she cooked...

Speaker 2:
[51:48] My mother cooked two meals ever, and you didn't need a knife for either one of them.

Speaker 10:
[51:52] The title of your book is Knives and Spoons.

Speaker 9:
[51:55] Knives, yeah.

Speaker 10:
[51:57] This has to be a story of that.

Speaker 2:
[52:00] To be fair, the knife that my father got sad with, the spoon was the spoon that my mother cooked heroin with.

Speaker 1:
[52:07] Never did the two worlds collide.

Speaker 8:
[52:13] This feels like a Lewis.

Speaker 1:
[52:15] If they knew nothing else, they knew how to stay in their lanes.

Speaker 2:
[52:17] I'm telling you right now, my mother, she cooked two meals ever. It was, like, every meal for the family was $3. It was a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese, a can of peas, and, what was peas?

Speaker 1:
[52:30] It was called carbonara. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[52:33] It was macaroni and cheese, and pancetta. No, no, no, and sliced spam. And then the other one was-

Speaker 1:
[52:39] That's paint, dude, that's fucking carbonara!

Speaker 2:
[52:42] Hold on. The spam, she didn't have to cut with a knife, to be honest. And then the other meal was canned corned beef, white rice, and corn, and she would mix it in a big crock pot. Those are the only two meals my mother ever cooked.

Speaker 1:
[52:55] I'm okay with both of those.

Speaker 2:
[52:57] Actually, honestly, the corned beef meal, pretty fucking solid.

Speaker 1:
[52:59] Sounds fucking fantastic.

Speaker 2:
[53:00] Delicious.

Speaker 1:
[53:01] St. Patty's Day was yesterday.

Speaker 10:
[53:04] I think Luis or Joanna on this.

Speaker 9:
[53:06] I'm thinking Lev or Joanna.

Speaker 5:
[53:08] My mother would never.

Speaker 2:
[53:09] Joanna didn't know her parents.

Speaker 5:
[53:11] Yeah. Well, my.

Speaker 9:
[53:13] Are you assuming that?

Speaker 5:
[53:15] Yes, I know my, I have two parents. Both of them? Yes.

Speaker 1:
[53:19] She's aware of her parents.

Speaker 5:
[53:20] I'm aware of, I'm very close with my parents. But my mother is, my mother, my mother is Israeli. She would not use a book.

Speaker 2:
[53:32] Your mother is really disappointed in you.

Speaker 7:
[53:35] Oh yeah.

Speaker 1:
[53:38] Your parents are like traditional Jewish, yeah?

Speaker 5:
[53:41] Yeah, I grew up, I grew up, my mom wouldn't use a knife.

Speaker 2:
[53:45] She would only use bombs on Arab children.

Speaker 10:
[53:48] This is her trying to circumcise you.

Speaker 7:
[53:50] Not on me.

Speaker 1:
[53:51] How dare you, Luis.

Speaker 3:
[53:52] I know.

Speaker 8:
[53:53] I tried to make you, you had to take it there. Can you get over your obsession with a free Palestine?

Speaker 3:
[53:56] I said she wouldn't use a knife, she would use a gun, and then you had to take it there.

Speaker 6:
[53:59] I already made fun of myself.

Speaker 10:
[54:01] This doesn't feel like a Jew story. This feels like a goyslop story.

Speaker 6:
[54:04] Yes, exactly.

Speaker 8:
[54:07] There's three Jews up, this slaps of Luis.

Speaker 5:
[54:11] My mother is from Israel, my dad is from Ohio, neither of them.

Speaker 10:
[54:16] Maddy? I don't think.

Speaker 9:
[54:21] I have a mother.

Speaker 8:
[54:23] That's what's going on right now.

Speaker 4:
[54:26] Why would you tell their story?

Speaker 1:
[54:30] I was emotional.

Speaker 5:
[54:33] When she threw the knife, I'm trying to imagine.

Speaker 10:
[54:35] This is the story of Big Jay's first piercing.

Speaker 5:
[54:37] This is sad.

Speaker 1:
[54:38] No. This is Luis' mom. Luis' dad was already stabbed and she had to keep up the Puerto Ricaness in the household. Yeah, why don't you nudge me and say that? Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2:
[54:49] Jay, you're wasting your points right now.

Speaker 10:
[54:50] I told myself I'm going to trust my gut on this one, and that's a lot to trust. I'm going, Luis.

Speaker 8:
[54:56] You guys are like, please stop putting food in to me. Please, I'm dying.

Speaker 4:
[55:01] Shut the hell up.

Speaker 1:
[55:03] I'm going to take a new approach and just fucking go with my goddamn gut out of the gates. This is fucking Luis.

Speaker 10:
[55:08] This is Luis Coden.

Speaker 2:
[55:09] You guys, you're both fat guys, stop going with your gut.

Speaker 1:
[55:14] It's the biggest part of my body, so I trust it. My brain's so much smaller than my gut.

Speaker 2:
[55:24] I'm telling you, this is Lev.

Speaker 10:
[55:25] Joanna's going with her tits on this.

Speaker 2:
[55:27] Lev, oh, Lev, it's L-U-Y-S.

Speaker 8:
[55:32] Stop doing that.

Speaker 1:
[55:33] No, it's perfect.

Speaker 10:
[55:34] That's perfect.

Speaker 1:
[55:34] Just erase the O so there's space.

Speaker 8:
[55:36] You forgot to add a J. Luis C.

Speaker 1:
[55:39] Oh, you know what? This could be a Luis C.

Speaker 8:
[55:43] Cady story.

Speaker 10:
[55:44] You're trying to get it off you so bad.

Speaker 8:
[55:46] You're idiots.

Speaker 1:
[55:47] He's freaking out, dude.

Speaker 8:
[55:48] He's joking.

Speaker 1:
[55:49] He's freaking the fuck out. Maddy, if it's not you, say Luis.

Speaker 10:
[55:54] If this is you, I can't believe you submit something so obvious.

Speaker 3:
[55:59] I feel like...

Speaker 2:
[56:00] No, Maddy. No, Maddy. Maddy.

Speaker 4:
[56:03] Too late.

Speaker 3:
[56:03] I think it's you. It's already on.

Speaker 2:
[56:05] You're an idiot.

Speaker 6:
[56:06] Knives and spoons.

Speaker 4:
[56:06] Somebody just fucking...

Speaker 6:
[56:07] It's you.

Speaker 2:
[56:09] Somebody just made so many points.

Speaker 3:
[56:10] Because I feel like you...

Speaker 5:
[56:12] I feel like I remember doing a podcast with you.

Speaker 2:
[56:13] You don't feel anything.

Speaker 7:
[56:15] You're right.

Speaker 1:
[56:18] Now it feels so big. No, you're wrong. Because now they're ripped for her pleasure.

Speaker 7:
[56:21] You like terrifying women, right? It's not like a thing.

Speaker 3:
[56:23] I do like terrifying women.

Speaker 7:
[56:25] You do.

Speaker 5:
[56:25] I know you do. I can't remember how I know that.

Speaker 3:
[56:29] And now it makes sense.

Speaker 5:
[56:30] This is how it started.

Speaker 2:
[56:32] Somebody... I think Lev just cleaned up, you idiots. Alex, whose story was it? Look at Lev's dumb fucking face.

Speaker 3:
[56:39] Louis CK.

Speaker 11:
[56:40] Story number five belongs to Lev Fer.

Speaker 3:
[56:46] Fuck you!

Speaker 2:
[56:49] You idiots!

Speaker 8:
[56:51] I told you!

Speaker 2:
[56:53] He got double points!

Speaker 10:
[57:01] So yeah, my mom is pretty nuts, and I was the most annoying kid and adult of all time. And she had a thing. Whatever she was holding is what, if you pissed her off, she's throwing that.

Speaker 8:
[57:12] Very often it was black dildos.

Speaker 10:
[57:16] Catch those in my mouth. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[57:19] By the way, she wasn't into black dildos. That was part of her juggling routine.

Speaker 10:
[57:24] So yeah, one time I kept getting after and getting after while she was fucking cooking something. And sure enough, she turned just full speed. It was like a fucking butcher knife. Threw it as hard as she could. It bounced off the table a foot in front of me, flew off. I just got lucky. And I was like in shock, like, wow, that could have been it. And I was like, I'm never fucking fighting with her again. And I think that's why I got fat. Because she used to always throw food. So it was like, if I eat all the food, it's like I'm disarming the house, you know?

Speaker 1:
[57:54] When you ate all the food, she started throwing knives. I'm going to have to buy a gun.

Speaker 2:
[58:01] I told you, you idiots. Alex, where are our points at?

Speaker 11:
[58:06] In last place with two points, Joanna Angel. Tied for third place with five points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Maddy Smith.

Speaker 1:
[58:23] Two biggest wiggers on the podcast.

Speaker 4:
[58:25] Hey, what up, yo?

Speaker 1:
[58:28] I saw Onyx recently.

Speaker 10:
[58:31] Their new podcast, Circle in the Block, is coming out this week.

Speaker 1:
[58:35] Yeah, watch your mouth.

Speaker 9:
[58:36] You have no cap, dude.

Speaker 1:
[58:38] No cap, yo. No cap, yo. No cap. No cap.

Speaker 11:
[58:43] In second place with 11 points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place with 12 points, Lev Fer.

Speaker 4:
[58:58] Bring me my belt.

Speaker 1:
[59:00] Lev wants to do up close magic so bad.

Speaker 11:
[59:02] It's crazy.

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[59:34] Yeah. I mean, I've heard it's great. You see me, I'm thin. I have hair and my dick is raging hard at all times. But I know that's not everybody.

Speaker 2:
[59:43] Why don't you just see your abs in the mirror and you get rock hard? If I had rock hard abs like you, I could just stare at myself and just go. But not many men that listen to podcasts have the same body type as you.

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 2:
[61:53] All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Body Brain Coffee is a company that I started almost a year ago now. And it is taking the world by storm, not just regular coffee, but it is Colombian freeze dried coffee that is blended with adaptogens and nootropics that will make you feel like the best version of yourself. It's just five simple ingredients. It's got Tonka Dali, which supports testosterone and hormone levels. It's got Lion's Mane, which helps with memory and focus. It has ashwagandha, which supports mood, and L-Phenane, which smooths out your caffeine experience. So if you get jittery from drinking coffee, this is a great, great, great product because it does not make you jittery. Everyone seems to love it. Jay, I know you love it. You're not even a coffee fan, but I just sent you the creamer. The creamer samples are going out right now. Have you tried the creamer yet, Jay?

Speaker 1:
[62:37] It has made the pain a little bit less from getting those crystals of my butt by wetting them with the creamer.

Speaker 2:
[62:42] You don't need to put the creamer in your butt because you like coconut. You like all of the other things that are in the creamer. You don't need to actually booth this anymore.

Speaker 1:
[62:50] I'm sure it's delicious, but you're supposed to mix it with the coffee.

Speaker 2:
[62:54] Well, technically, but you can have it in the coffee as well.

Speaker 1:
[62:56] You got to put the creamer where the coffee's at. And my man, the coffee is up my butt.

Speaker 2:
[63:02] You got to put the creamer where the coffee at. Sounds like a gay euphemism.

Speaker 1:
[63:06] Hey, you always got to put the creamer where the coffee's at, am I right?

Speaker 2:
[63:10] You know what I'm saying, boys? Look, go right now to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WAR20 to save 20% off today. If you decide to subscribe and receive BodyBrain Coffee monthly, you're gonna get 20% off free shipping and we're sending you a free sample, a free five-day sample package of our brand new BodyBrain Creamer, which stacks perfectly with the coffee. Whether you drink it hot, cold, put it in your protein shake, shove it in your ass like Jay. Don't do that. But if you want to, that's weird. That's okay, the science. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com and use that promo code WAR20 to save 20% off today. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

Speaker 11:
[63:50] Story number six. My dad read my mom's diary once and got his ass handed to him. Her latest entry had said, I've come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in love with my husband. Holy shit!

Speaker 1:
[64:06] Yeah, that's Maddy. What the fuck, dude? My mom never had a diary and my dad left when I was three.

Speaker 2:
[64:14] Hold on, but Joanna is Jewish, diary, diary, event, frank. I think it's the whole connection that I'm seeing here.

Speaker 1:
[64:20] Jews love diaries. I can't argue that.

Speaker 10:
[64:23] That was the last one.

Speaker 8:
[64:25] That was the last time a Jew wrote a diary.

Speaker 10:
[64:27] Let's end on the best seller.

Speaker 1:
[64:30] Well, I can't beat that. Why would I write a diary?

Speaker 9:
[64:33] What about Lev?

Speaker 2:
[64:35] My dad was stabbed when I was four years old and he couldn't read, so this is not me.

Speaker 1:
[64:40] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[64:40] Imagine having a diary about that. Dear diary.

Speaker 1:
[64:44] Dear diary.

Speaker 8:
[64:44] I think they took dad. Dear diary.

Speaker 2:
[64:49] My husband was stabbed.

Speaker 1:
[64:51] I was watching a, I've been watching a true crime thing on Hulu recently. Girl, the idea of diary writing is fucking bat shit.

Speaker 5:
[65:00] It is weird.

Speaker 1:
[65:00] It's just the weirdest. People write it, it goes, true crime. It happens so much, they're like, hopefully, God, you're not mad at me still for killing my boyfriend with those guys. Why write that?

Speaker 5:
[65:12] She wanted to get caught.

Speaker 1:
[65:14] This is Maddy.

Speaker 10:
[65:14] It's Maddy all day.

Speaker 6:
[65:16] Like, was the diary just open?

Speaker 9:
[65:18] Trying to get the heat off him.

Speaker 10:
[65:19] Ass handed to him?

Speaker 2:
[65:21] You're, hold on, Joanna, your parents are still the other. Which is crazy.

Speaker 1:
[65:26] It would be crazy if the mom wrote, I don't love this guy anymore, for sure.

Speaker 9:
[65:31] That's modern marriage.

Speaker 2:
[65:32] Maddy, are your parents together still?

Speaker 9:
[65:34] No.

Speaker 1:
[65:34] No, dude, these are Irish.

Speaker 9:
[65:36] No, this is why it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1:
[65:37] These are, these are Irish fucking kilt wearing fucking castle people.

Speaker 9:
[65:43] I, no, I think that's Lev and I think he's like dirt with you. You have no reason to.

Speaker 7:
[65:47] Because your mom threw a knife at you.

Speaker 9:
[65:50] Oh, she's like, she took risks too.

Speaker 10:
[65:56] Shut up, Maddy, you know it's you. You know it's you.

Speaker 9:
[66:01] Lev, Lev, Lev, obviously Lev.

Speaker 5:
[66:02] The beginning of like a stepson, it's a porno. This is how they all start, you know?

Speaker 1:
[66:07] Someone read the diary?

Speaker 5:
[66:09] Well, I had, like I, they can start like that, but it always starts with like, oh, the husband's not giving enough attention.

Speaker 9:
[66:14] I'm an idiot.

Speaker 1:
[66:16] Isn't it funny how stepmom fucking stepson is such a hot porn scene, but a real devastating real life situation?

Speaker 8:
[66:25] In fact, it was just, what?

Speaker 1:
[66:27] I loved you, my boy. Now I've lost two relationships.

Speaker 10:
[66:33] Get a membership to the site to watch him read or diary after.

Speaker 2:
[66:39] Joanna, you still have to vote.

Speaker 9:
[66:40] You guys are all idiots.

Speaker 5:
[66:41] You're right, I have to vote.

Speaker 9:
[66:42] You're idiots.

Speaker 5:
[66:43] I don't want to spell anybody's name wrong.

Speaker 9:
[66:44] Total, it's M-A-T-T-Y. Just write it down.

Speaker 1:
[66:49] Matthew Smith.

Speaker 9:
[66:51] Matthew, Matthew Smith.

Speaker 1:
[66:53] Matthew Paul Smith.

Speaker 9:
[66:58] Lev, see, that's what I'm saying. I don't know why you guys think I come from a broken home.

Speaker 1:
[67:01] It's so annoying.

Speaker 2:
[67:01] Two of us for Lev.

Speaker 5:
[67:03] Whatever.

Speaker 9:
[67:03] God.

Speaker 1:
[67:04] Everyone's in. Alex.

Speaker 5:
[67:07] It's probably Maddy.

Speaker 11:
[67:09] Story number six belongs to Maddy Smith.

Speaker 9:
[67:16] I just, you know, well, it's good that, you know, I have strong characteristics and you guys knew it was me. You knew it was me and my mom's a bitch.

Speaker 5:
[67:27] That's such a romantic way to say I don't like him.

Speaker 9:
[67:31] I know, isn't it?

Speaker 6:
[67:32] Yeah, it's kind of like a romance novel.

Speaker 8:
[67:34] Maddy, I have a question.

Speaker 2:
[67:36] How did you find out about this?

Speaker 9:
[67:38] Because my mom and dad shit-talk each other after they got divorced for the past 20 years.

Speaker 2:
[67:41] So who told you the story?

Speaker 9:
[67:42] My dad. Yeah. I was like, that's hilarious.

Speaker 1:
[67:47] Your dad was like, yeah, I with your mom's diary.

Speaker 5:
[67:50] Did he keep the diary?

Speaker 9:
[67:51] No. No.

Speaker 8:
[67:53] What?

Speaker 5:
[67:54] I would keep it.

Speaker 1:
[67:55] Your mom's a lunatic for writing that down.

Speaker 9:
[67:57] She's crazy.

Speaker 3:
[67:58] She wanted to get caught. She wanted to get caught. Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[68:00] Cool.

Speaker 1:
[68:01] By the way, if you want to break up with somebody, it is better if they find out in the written word than hearing it from you directly.

Speaker 9:
[68:06] Well, she stayed with him for like five more years.

Speaker 1:
[68:08] No shit.

Speaker 9:
[68:09] Yep. Crazy bitch.

Speaker 1:
[68:10] As someone who is non-confrontational, I understand everything about this story.

Speaker 9:
[68:13] Yeah. Yep. I guess you could say it's pretty shocking.

Speaker 2:
[68:18] Quick question. Maddy, how did he tell you the story? Did he sit you down while you were like-

Speaker 9:
[68:22] While crying?

Speaker 2:
[68:23] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[68:24] Literally.

Speaker 1:
[68:24] Here's why your mom's a chua.

Speaker 9:
[68:26] No. It's like my- And then I had to go hang out with my mom. Here's why your dad's a fucking loser. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[68:31] Exactly.

Speaker 9:
[68:33] No. My dad is just at the point where they each drop tea every time I see them. He's been broken off for like 20 years now. So I'll just be casual. My dad will be eating a pesto panini. And he puts it down. He's like, it was 1997. And he'll drop. Like I bought her- I knew it was over when I bought her Cindy Lauper tickets. And she went with her friend Kate instead of me. I'm like, dude.

Speaker 4:
[68:57] That's such a sad story. So sad.

Speaker 9:
[68:59] I know.

Speaker 1:
[69:00] No guy wants to see the Lauper. He's like, oh, you bring your wife.

Speaker 9:
[69:03] It's all casual stories. You're like, all right, well, it's good to see you. Maybe get on Bumble.

Speaker 10:
[69:11] He's like, Maddy, can you not write near me the last time I read something?

Speaker 8:
[69:13] It really destroyed my heart.

Speaker 9:
[69:15] Yeah, literally. He's triggered. I feel like the story was-

Speaker 8:
[69:18] Don't write so close to me.

Speaker 2:
[69:21] He's like, Maddy, never tell the story on a popular podcast.

Speaker 9:
[69:24] Did I bring everyone down more than the Cousin thing?

Speaker 1:
[69:27] The Cousin was still the worst. It was so recent. What a fresh wound.

Speaker 9:
[69:32] By the way, this was two days ago, so.

Speaker 1:
[69:33] Oh, shit. Alex, what are our scores after six?

Speaker 5:
[69:38] Surprise your mom.

Speaker 11:
[69:39] All right. In last place with two points, Joanna Angel. In fourth place with seven points, Maddy Smith. In third place with nine points, Big Jay Oakerson. In second place with 15 points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with 16 points, Lev Fer.

Speaker 2:
[70:15] How is that possible, though? We both just voted for Maddy.

Speaker 10:
[70:18] I was ahead of you before this one. By one.

Speaker 2:
[70:20] Were you?

Speaker 5:
[70:20] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[70:21] Yeah, you dumb shit.

Speaker 5:
[70:23] You are a professional at this game.

Speaker 10:
[70:26] I love this game.

Speaker 1:
[70:26] That's why he's one and O.

Speaker 2:
[70:28] Lev Fer, is this his second?

Speaker 10:
[70:29] I'm actually one and one. I do have to correct that.

Speaker 11:
[70:31] I did lose once.

Speaker 1:
[70:32] That's one and one. Okay.

Speaker 2:
[70:34] Alex, story number seven.

Speaker 11:
[70:38] Story number seven. A guy I was working with talked me into watching a guy get a blowjob.

Speaker 2:
[70:45] Joanna.

Speaker 11:
[70:49] Why don't you ever think it's me?

Speaker 8:
[70:54] I don't know, this could be Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[70:57] I did have a stint at a pizzeria.

Speaker 11:
[71:01] A guy I was working with talked me into watching a guy get a blowjob to help me further my career. Shockingly, it didn't help at all.

Speaker 2:
[71:12] I stand by Joanna.

Speaker 5:
[71:13] It can't be me.

Speaker 9:
[71:14] Maybe.

Speaker 10:
[71:15] Why not?

Speaker 9:
[71:16] Because she's got a whole career.

Speaker 5:
[71:18] Yeah. I did okay for myself.

Speaker 9:
[71:24] My guts saying Jay.

Speaker 5:
[71:25] I mean, no one would have to talk me into that. I wouldn't have to be, you know.

Speaker 2:
[71:33] A guy I was working with talked me into watching another guy get a blowjob to help me further my career. Shockingly, it didn't help at all. I feel like that's like, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[71:41] Where do you see another guy?

Speaker 5:
[71:42] I feel like it was a story of me saying to me, you have to give that guy a blowjob, right?

Speaker 10:
[71:47] I don't know what you just said, but a guy I was working with sounds to me like early porn, another talent I'm working with, a camera talent. That's what I'm reading.

Speaker 5:
[71:56] I think somebody else wrote this story, so you guys would think it was me. You knew I would be here, so somebody wrote it.

Speaker 10:
[72:05] Yeah, but then they still have to have a story about this.

Speaker 5:
[72:08] Right.

Speaker 9:
[72:09] So, what is that, a disengagement?

Speaker 1:
[72:13] Luis did a weird thing where he added a word to the story that wasn't there, which makes me think it was him, but I don't know how this makes sense to you.

Speaker 5:
[72:19] Some people think it happens in the porn industry and it doesn't.

Speaker 9:
[72:22] Right.

Speaker 8:
[72:23] This could maybe happen.

Speaker 5:
[72:24] It's like somebody writing their own, like, oh, I'll write this, because I bet this happened to Joanna. But I couldn't even make up a... That's a weird story.

Speaker 1:
[72:35] That sounds like the desperation of being in last place.

Speaker 10:
[72:39] Dives around.

Speaker 9:
[72:40] I was working with a talking...

Speaker 1:
[72:42] Guys, this couldn't possibly be me.

Speaker 5:
[72:44] The thought made more sense in my brain than when it came out.

Speaker 9:
[72:47] So someone said, you will go up in your career if you watch this guy get his shit sucked.

Speaker 10:
[72:53] I mean, this is very... Like, this is either a porn star or you open for Louie. There's no two alternatives.

Speaker 5:
[73:02] I mean, I was never...

Speaker 1:
[73:03] The fact that Luis added a word to this when he was reading it back, it didn't exist.

Speaker 10:
[73:08] What was the word?

Speaker 1:
[73:09] He said, he goes, I was talked into watching another guy get a blow job. That was the way it is. It doesn't say that. It says watching a guy get a blow job.

Speaker 10:
[73:17] He's also like two drinks deep. He's hammered.

Speaker 8:
[73:20] Oh, I forgot.

Speaker 10:
[73:22] Pussy boy.

Speaker 1:
[73:24] He's going to totally blow a guy loose.

Speaker 5:
[73:26] Is it everybody hears like...

Speaker 1:
[73:28] I think this is like... This feels like Luis playing the game.

Speaker 2:
[73:31] Don't be an idiot.

Speaker 10:
[73:33] No, dude, how could it be Luis though?

Speaker 8:
[73:35] In what world?

Speaker 10:
[73:36] You don't just chalk it up to Luis being dumb? Like, this could very... This is probably Joanne.

Speaker 1:
[73:40] I was thinking this was a girl for sure.

Speaker 5:
[73:42] Why would I have to watch somebody get a blowjob?

Speaker 6:
[73:46] Because you work at BlowWorks! I would have to give a blowjob myself.

Speaker 10:
[73:51] She's like, oh yeah, you're right, I do.

Speaker 11:
[73:53] They would be like, let's see you give a blowjob.

Speaker 1:
[73:55] What was your entrance into the world, though? Were you like... Was it one of those stories where it was like they told you you were modeling and then it was like, oh, is that true?

Speaker 5:
[74:02] Oh, my God, no, I wanted to be there.

Speaker 1:
[74:05] You came into it, so yeah, that's why I feel so comfortable.

Speaker 2:
[74:08] What was your first point of experience?

Speaker 5:
[74:09] It actually, I mean, it was on my website.

Speaker 10:
[74:13] Hang on, let me try something.

Speaker 8:
[74:14] Let me try to move here.

Speaker 10:
[74:16] Okay, Joanna, Alex just revealed it's you. Tell the story. Alex said it's you. Tell the story. What happened?

Speaker 5:
[74:26] I was working and somebody talked me into watching a guy get a blowjob to help me further my career.

Speaker 1:
[74:35] Why weren't you looking at me while I'm looking at you?

Speaker 5:
[74:36] And shockingly, it didn't help at all. That's the story.

Speaker 1:
[74:39] Why weren't you looking at me while I'm looking at you?

Speaker 2:
[74:41] Jay, sure, Jay, you've never heard the story about how I had to watch a guy get his dick sucked to further my career.

Speaker 8:
[74:49] You've never heard that story, Jay. You've never heard it, you fucking asshole.

Speaker 1:
[74:54] You know what? I don't think you had to say another fucking word. It's Joanna. I was between Joe and Joe. It's Joanna.

Speaker 5:
[75:01] This is like a sad story.

Speaker 1:
[75:02] I'm not like a...

Speaker 2:
[75:04] Joanna, your other story was more sad. I'm upset that you think that.

Speaker 1:
[75:08] I'm upset.

Speaker 3:
[75:09] I was not trafficked into the porn industry.

Speaker 9:
[75:11] Who you guys are? I don't know.

Speaker 3:
[75:14] Wait.

Speaker 10:
[75:15] Oh, I wonder if it might be Maddy now.

Speaker 9:
[75:17] Oh, come on.

Speaker 10:
[75:18] Oh, no. Is it Maddy? Vote Maddy. It's Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[75:23] We can take the whiteboard down.

Speaker 10:
[75:26] I know.

Speaker 9:
[75:26] And what's done is done.

Speaker 10:
[75:28] Damn it.

Speaker 2:
[75:29] If it's Maddy, that's crazy. She still spelled it wrong.

Speaker 9:
[75:32] That's hilarious. So... It's enough.

Speaker 10:
[75:36] Yeah, vote that in, Joanna.

Speaker 9:
[75:38] It's okay. She gets the double Ds. That's all that matters.

Speaker 10:
[75:41] Fuck.

Speaker 9:
[75:41] It's good enough.

Speaker 10:
[75:43] You don't even have to vote. It doesn't matter. It's you, you.

Speaker 9:
[75:45] Why don't I have to...

Speaker 10:
[75:46] Yeah, that's wild.

Speaker 9:
[75:47] Why don't I have to vote?

Speaker 6:
[75:48] I can't write my own name.

Speaker 9:
[75:51] So I'm going to say Luis. No, I'm going to say Jane.

Speaker 1:
[75:58] God damn it.

Speaker 4:
[75:58] I think it's Maddy. If it's her, this is showboating if it's her.

Speaker 1:
[76:03] This is crazy. I think it's Maddy.

Speaker 2:
[76:05] Fuck my asshole.

Speaker 9:
[76:07] Or should I say Joanna? Or should I say Joanna?

Speaker 6:
[76:11] I hate watching people get blowjobs.

Speaker 5:
[76:15] This is a traumatic time in my life. I don't like to bring it up.

Speaker 1:
[76:19] Oh, shit.

Speaker 5:
[76:20] I have to get better at this game.

Speaker 1:
[76:23] Alex, all the answers are in.

Speaker 11:
[76:27] Story number seven belongs to Big Jay.

Speaker 1:
[76:31] No way!

Speaker 2:
[76:35] No way.

Speaker 10:
[76:36] No way.

Speaker 2:
[76:39] Oh, no cap. This is great.

Speaker 10:
[76:42] Wow.

Speaker 6:
[76:43] So what? What happened?

Speaker 2:
[76:45] That is pure happiness. Look at his face. He's so happy. By the way, Big Jay, if he's losing, he'll go, I don't even want to win. I just want to be funny on this show. I don't give a shit. But when he's winning, he's so happy.

Speaker 1:
[76:57] I'm going to destroy your ego when I get soaking it up close magic. I...

Speaker 10:
[77:04] That's what I call your act, Jay. Up close magic.

Speaker 2:
[77:07] Tell the story, please.

Speaker 1:
[77:08] I'm so impressed with myself and how I played the game right here. Early SDR show was a podcast I used to do with Ralph Sutton that Joanna had been on before. We used to do it at Ralph's, my partner's house. It was right in his apartment, in his room. And early in the show, we had a porn star named Alana Love and Moe the Monster. I know Moe.

Speaker 2:
[77:34] We know you know Moe.

Speaker 1:
[77:36] He's a humongous cock. He no longer likes being called the N-word in pornography. I've become friends with him. But on the show, it was like, yeah, we're gonna have, she said she was gonna blow him on the show. And so she blew him off camera while I sat there and I kept mentioning things. I was like, oh fuck, I gotta go to my daughter's soccer game. I gotta go to my daughter's soccer game. She's not doing this one day. But no, he was like, yeah, no, it's funny for the show. So it's like, yeah, it was, ooh, I'm so proud the way I wrote this story.

Speaker 7:
[78:11] Yeah, you wrote it in a way where, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[78:14] I did.

Speaker 7:
[78:15] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[78:16] It is. Ralph said it would be good for the show. It was gonna be good for the show. And then I'll tell you this, I did the SDR show for a decade. It didn't help at all. Never moved the numbers, quite honestly. So- Did he jizz? Ralph was wrong. Oh yeah, he came. Oh, okay. It was fantastic.

Speaker 10:
[78:35] Is Moe black?

Speaker 1:
[78:36] Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[78:39] Was this the origin of, have you ever sucked a black dick before?

Speaker 1:
[78:42] It's very possible it is. It definitely got in here a little bit, if you know what I mean, the moment.

Speaker 2:
[78:48] Alex, seven stories down, where are our points at?

Speaker 11:
[78:51] All right. In last place with two points, Joanna Angel.

Speaker 10:
[78:59] That had to be worth like 10.

Speaker 11:
[79:01] In fourth place with seven points, Maddy Smith. In third place with 15 points, Luis J Gomez. In second place with 16 points, Lev Fer.

Speaker 1:
[79:22] Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 11:
[79:23] And in the lead with 17 points, Big Jay Oakerson.

Speaker 4:
[79:29] Are you here for the night? Are you here for the night?

Speaker 10:
[79:34] Oh, my God.

Speaker 1:
[79:37] Man.

Speaker 8:
[79:39] Don't give a victory speech already.

Speaker 1:
[79:41] I'm gonna get so good at up close magic. Do you guys understand the complete encyclopedia of close up magic covers how to present magic tricks in real life situations such as levitating or removing someone's watch without them ever knowing? This book offers inside guidance on how to handle spectators, build suspense. Where the fuck are you going? Those guys hate up close magic. Build suspense and perform confidently in front of others. Please, I hope you give up close magic.

Speaker 10:
[80:21] I think Joanna read this book because she's been making balls disappear for years.

Speaker 9:
[80:25] Hell yeah.

Speaker 1:
[80:28] Alex, our final story, story number eight.

Speaker 11:
[80:37] Story number eight. I had two friends in high school that would secretly do gay things together. They confided in me. My entire friend group was in shock when I told them what was going on.

Speaker 1:
[80:54] Dude. Man, girls would do a lot of gay shit in high school, I think. More than guys.

Speaker 9:
[81:04] Entire friend group.

Speaker 1:
[81:05] I don't feel like guys would go like, hey dude, me and Steve sucked each other's dicks. Don't make it a thing though.

Speaker 9:
[81:14] Yeah, but Luis was in musical theater.

Speaker 8:
[81:16] I was in musical theater.

Speaker 1:
[81:17] And all of their friends were sucking each other's dicks.

Speaker 2:
[81:19] And you know what, to be honest with you, in high school, anything did go.

Speaker 9:
[81:22] Yep.

Speaker 10:
[81:24] This is smelling like Maddy to me.

Speaker 5:
[81:27] I think it was two guys.

Speaker 3:
[81:29] I feel like if it was two girls, it wouldn't have to be this big of a secret.

Speaker 2:
[81:32] To be honest with you, I kind of agree with that. I feel like two guys, it was like a big secret. Two girls is hot.

Speaker 5:
[81:37] Yeah, yeah. I think two girls would brag about it, right? But I don't know what you're talking about. It depends on the years.

Speaker 1:
[81:44] That's weird. I remember there was a weird shift in that, where it was like girls being called sluts for fucking and then versus girls and eventually kind of being like, yo, everyone's doing it. Everyone's fucking and sucking.

Speaker 9:
[81:56] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[81:58] So I don't know why this strikes me as chicks. I feel like guys don't start admitting this to all their friends. Hey guys, we tried some gay shit. Before guys start telling their guy friends, they know. They're locked in. We're gay.

Speaker 9:
[82:11] We're gay guys. You don't know if it could be a co-ed group. It's Maddy.

Speaker 10:
[82:17] It's a thousand percent Maddy. I guarantee it. I can see your heart beating in your neck right now.

Speaker 8:
[82:23] It's literally beating in your neck.

Speaker 2:
[82:26] Maddy's head veins are pumping right now. Redheads have head veins. Maddy, your heart.

Speaker 1:
[82:32] I'm watching it.

Speaker 10:
[82:35] She's like, you guys vote. I'll circle the block and we'll count after.

Speaker 4:
[82:39] Yeah. Let me know how it goes.

Speaker 9:
[82:41] Lose my number.

Speaker 2:
[82:43] I'm getting Lev or Maddy vibes right now.

Speaker 10:
[82:46] I don't care who you vote for. I don't care because I actually want you to vote wrong. So vote for me.

Speaker 5:
[82:53] This is a heated rivalry.

Speaker 1:
[82:54] It could be Lev.

Speaker 2:
[82:56] That's what Lev would say. I'm getting Lev vibes right now.

Speaker 10:
[82:59] It's Maddy. It's absolutely you, Maddy. You dumped it on me and you had nothing last time.

Speaker 2:
[83:05] Lev is going very hard against Maddy right now.

Speaker 10:
[83:08] He's going hard because Joanna is here, Luis. That's besides the point.

Speaker 5:
[83:12] Who here is the worst friend?

Speaker 9:
[83:14] This says entire friend group.

Speaker 8:
[83:16] Yeah, but you're a giant gossip.

Speaker 10:
[83:18] You love to gossip.

Speaker 3:
[83:19] Who here is a terrible friend?

Speaker 9:
[83:22] All of us.

Speaker 2:
[83:25] I didn't have a friend. I had one friend in high school.

Speaker 9:
[83:27] I didn't have friends in high school. I'm like, who had a friend group? Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[83:31] I feel like girls have friend groups as well.

Speaker 1:
[83:34] Friend groups of important wording.

Speaker 2:
[83:36] That is important wording. I'm still getting Lev vibes. Lev, you're acting very strange.

Speaker 10:
[83:42] Vote for me.

Speaker 2:
[83:42] Lev's very cherub face right now.

Speaker 10:
[83:44] I'm fat, Luis.

Speaker 8:
[83:46] I'm fat and I'm drunk.

Speaker 1:
[83:49] You are a fat, drunk cherub. That's what matters most.

Speaker 10:
[83:54] But I just want, man, if this is Jay, it's going to kill me. If Jay is really dancing on our graves right now to a victory, I'll be so upset.

Speaker 1:
[84:02] I can be.

Speaker 8:
[84:03] I feel like in Philly they didn't do gay shit or if they did, they didn't admit it.

Speaker 1:
[84:06] It would be a big, big story. The friend group, it would have been a buzz with the gay shit for sure.

Speaker 3:
[84:14] It sounds like a girl that had two gay friends.

Speaker 1:
[84:18] Right. I think this is, my heart says it's a girl's.

Speaker 9:
[84:21] It sounds, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[84:22] I'm not teething.

Speaker 9:
[84:23] I was still a guy in high school.

Speaker 1:
[84:28] Secretly, we do gay things together again.

Speaker 9:
[84:30] I couldn't get my medicine.

Speaker 1:
[84:31] I'm watching a Hulu true crime thing, and those girls were doing gay shit with each other. There's a lot of gay stuff in high school where girls have gay sex with their friends.

Speaker 2:
[84:39] Girls, it's not a story for girls.

Speaker 1:
[84:41] No, I think it is.

Speaker 5:
[84:42] I think it's just two gay guys.

Speaker 2:
[84:44] Maddy, Maddy, hold you.

Speaker 10:
[84:45] Vote for me, Luis. I dare you.

Speaker 2:
[84:48] Maddy, hold you.

Speaker 9:
[84:48] I'm 34. 34?

Speaker 2:
[84:50] All right, you're old enough that being lesbian is still a story.

Speaker 9:
[84:54] But how do you know it's not a coed group?

Speaker 2:
[84:58] What do you mean is a coed group?

Speaker 1:
[84:59] Ah, shit. It's fucking Maddy.

Speaker 2:
[85:01] I think it might be Maddy.

Speaker 1:
[85:03] Sucker, I said Lev.

Speaker 10:
[85:04] Yeah, it's Maddy, guys. It's definitely Maddy. Lock it in.

Speaker 1:
[85:10] Please, no.

Speaker 2:
[85:13] I think it might be Lev.

Speaker 10:
[85:15] Who'd you vote for?

Speaker 9:
[85:16] She wrote for M.

Speaker 10:
[85:17] Who did she write?

Speaker 8:
[85:19] She wrote an M and then an arrow pointed in the direction.

Speaker 9:
[85:26] I was stupid.

Speaker 4:
[85:27] The arrow pointed at me.

Speaker 11:
[85:29] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[85:30] It's Maddy or Lev.

Speaker 8:
[85:32] Fuck me.

Speaker 10:
[85:32] You already lost, my boy.

Speaker 9:
[85:34] I think it's, I'm going to say Luis. I'm going to say Luis because of musical theater.

Speaker 8:
[85:38] It's Maddy. Oh, it's Maddy.

Speaker 9:
[85:40] Oh, it's Maddy. It's Maddy.

Speaker 2:
[85:43] Saying it's Luis is a crazy vote.

Speaker 5:
[85:45] Just like, oh my god, guys, I have the best news.

Speaker 9:
[85:50] You guys are idiots.

Speaker 10:
[85:52] God damn it. I needed it to steer Luis to Maddy or to me so bad and Maddy fucked it up.

Speaker 1:
[85:59] Alex, all our answers are in.

Speaker 11:
[86:02] Story number eight belongs to Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 10:
[86:14] I'm sorry.

Speaker 4:
[86:16] How have I never heard this before?

Speaker 9:
[86:17] You guys all called me a gossiping, an imbibe, and it was you little bitch.

Speaker 4:
[86:21] All right, we're sorry. We're sorry.

Speaker 9:
[86:23] Well, that's okay.

Speaker 4:
[86:23] That's okay.

Speaker 2:
[86:23] Not only, Eugene, you've heard this. I have a joke about it in my act.

Speaker 8:
[86:27] I specifically wrote a whole lot about it. We'll never watch that.

Speaker 4:
[86:31] Nobody in this room has seen that, Eugene.

Speaker 2:
[86:35] I had two friends. They would suck each other's dicks after school every day. And they were like, dude, just don't tell anybody.

Speaker 8:
[86:40] And I told everybody. I told everybody now.

Speaker 2:
[86:47] Hundreds of thousands of people are still finding out about this.

Speaker 1:
[86:49] They still don't want this out there.

Speaker 10:
[86:51] Luis was 16, and you can hear the whole story on gasdigital.com. Promo code friendship.

Speaker 1:
[86:57] Check out our Patreon.

Speaker 2:
[86:59] Yeah, they were just dorks and they couldn't get any pussy. They're not gay. They just sucked each other's dicks after school every day. And that's that.

Speaker 1:
[87:07] Listen, it probably still felt good.

Speaker 2:
[87:09] Yeah. And that's my fear for my son, because he's smart.

Speaker 1:
[87:15] He knows a lot.

Speaker 8:
[87:15] He comes home and he's like, he's like, Dad, I got an A.

Speaker 2:
[87:17] I'm like, don't you fucking get an A's. What are you doing?

Speaker 1:
[87:20] I got an A, so they asked me to stay after class.

Speaker 10:
[87:23] He's like, you got an A? Was it in the middle of an F and a G, you motherfucker?

Speaker 4:
[87:30] It's crazy I have no career.

Speaker 2:
[87:34] Alex, where are our final points at?

Speaker 11:
[87:37] All right, in last place, tied for the lowest score in Story Warz history with two points, Joanna Angel.

Speaker 2:
[87:49] Thank you.

Speaker 5:
[87:50] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Speaker 11:
[87:52] In fourth place with 11 points, Maddy Smith. In third place with 16 points, Lev Fer. Second place scored 17 points and your winner tonight with 21 points, Luis J.

Speaker 3:
[88:19] Gomez.

Speaker 1:
[88:21] Luis, you're taking home a book you've already read, you cocksucker.

Speaker 6:
[88:25] You win your own book.

Speaker 10:
[88:27] He defended the belt.

Speaker 7:
[88:29] Everybody, Luis J.

Speaker 1:
[88:31] Gomez, your winner for tonight's Story Warz.

Speaker 6:
[88:35] What?

Speaker 1:
[88:37] Me? Luis has to go pee. He doesn't even give a fuck about the victory. I don't give a fuck. It ain't a bad awards for him.

Speaker 3:
[88:43] I can give you one of my flashlights so you don't have to take home your own book.

Speaker 1:
[88:47] Yeah, everyone, Joanna Angel has a flashlight available. Order that shit, but not to your place, because she's going to make a whole thing about it. One more time for our amazing panel, Lev Fer.

Speaker 4:
[89:02] Maddy Smith, The Legend, Joanna Angel, for Luis J.

Speaker 1:
[89:11] Gomez. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. Thank you guys for hanging out with Story Warz. We'll catch you next time. Peace.