transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:02] Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

Speaker 2:
[00:06] My wife and I have been married about 15 years, and a couple years into the marriage, I found out that she had racked up like $9,000 in secret debt behind my back. And, you know, back in those days, we were pretty broke. I mean, we were making, we had baby twin girls and we were making under $40,000 a year. And I mean, it almost broke our marriage early on. And I buckled down and in about two years or so, I got it paid off. But ever since then, we have had our finances separated. And my goal for my conversation with you guys today is to, is to join our finances again, because it's the right thing to do. And the goal, the goal is to really focus on our girls college savings fund. I've got all of the steps done except for number five and number seven. And I really want to focus on number five right now. And that's kind of like how I want to bring her in on this.

Speaker 3:
[01:14] Yeah, does she, Mike, can I ask you?

Speaker 2:
[01:16] I'm really worried that she's not going to want to.

Speaker 3:
[01:18] Okay, so why would she not want to? And have you guys talked about this?

Speaker 2:
[01:23] No, I'm scared, honestly. I mean, it's been it's been peace since then, right?

Speaker 4:
[01:30] Like, yeah, but it's been it was an arms agreement. It's not it's not real peace. Right. It's like you all have a treaty signed, but you all are still staring at each other from the opposite sides of the table. Right. You get what I'm saying?

Speaker 2:
[01:48] Yeah, I mean, I see that. I mean, I feel that. I feel some resentment because, you know, I feel like she's the spender and I'm the saver and...

Speaker 4:
[01:57] Well, hold on. That's my big question is, you have a lived experience where she, we call it financial infidelity. She cheated on you with her money, right? Behind your back. Yeah. And that was 13 years ago. And so, my question for you is, is your fear that she's going to drain the accounts and do stuff behind your back, is that a real ongoing fear or is that...

Speaker 2:
[02:23] It is, because I mean, when she sees, because she'll spend her account down to nothing, you know, on a monthly basis. And when she sees, you know, $35,000, $40,000 in a checking account, I'm afraid what she's going to do with it.

Speaker 4:
[02:38] Okay, that's the real issue. The real issue is not the combining of the checking accounts, which I wholeheartedly, with all my being in doors, the real issue is you want to save for your daughter's college. And you feel, you have an obligation in the middle of your chest to help your daughter's out. And you watch your wife burn the thing down. And what you're trying to do is backdoor that conversation with let's just join our money. And the real conversation is you have a picture about what you want your daughter's life to be when they walk out your door at 18 and your wife has a different picture and y'all got to align those.

Speaker 2:
[03:19] Who, what do I say? What are the magic words? How do I broach this? I mean, I, I, it's going to be very defensive.

Speaker 4:
[03:27] The, the, the most effective path I've seen. How much money do you have to make where budgeting is just optional? If you chose C, watch this.

Speaker 2:
[03:36] She makes about 170. I make about 115.

Speaker 4:
[03:39] Hold on. Did you go back after you paid off everything, borrow some more money?

Speaker 3:
[03:42] Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Carly.

Speaker 2:
[03:44] We like to go here and there and we get to the Mercedes and-

Speaker 3:
[03:47] Oh, no. We went full South Beach.

Speaker 4:
[03:50] It's not just about how much you make. It's about having a plan for what you've got. So start budgeting with every dollar for free today. The most effective path I've seen. Can I give it to you real quick?

Speaker 2:
[04:02] Let's hear it.

Speaker 4:
[04:04] Here's what's going on. Here's the story that I am making up about what's going on. Here's how I feel about that story. Here's what I would love to happen next.

Speaker 2:
[04:18] That sounds very chill. It doesn't sound like that would start a fight.

Speaker 4:
[04:23] No, because what most people do in your situation, and myself included, right? I have to really fight this is to sit down and say, you spend all your money and I'm trying to save for the kids' college. We have to do a better job of fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank. When you start conversations with you don't and you never, and I'm doing all of this, then what you do is you walk up and you throw a grenade at somebody and they're either going to throw a grenade right back at you or they're going to run. They're going to fight or flee. That's the only way you can protect yourself. When you come down and say, hey, I've made up a story about you and the story I've made up, and that's you owning what's going on inside your spirit. I've made up a story about you that you don't care about the kids going to college, that you'd rather have a bunch of shiny toys or objects or whatever she's buying. That makes me feel alone in this marriage and that makes me feel scared to death for what our daughters are going to do. I would love it if we could get on the same page and create a plan together so that our daughters have their college taken care of or 50% or whatever you all agree on.

Speaker 2:
[05:27] John, as I'm talking to you about this, I'm realizing that it's really not the money because I have the money. I make 200 grand a year plus and I can float this. I can do it on my own, but my place in my marriage with my wife right now is better than it ever has been. I just feel like this is a missing link, that it's just not right. It doesn't sit with me and I want us to be a unit and I want to trust her.

Speaker 3:
[05:57] And I think all of that, Mike, like what you just said.

Speaker 4:
[05:59] Say that to her.

Speaker 3:
[06:00] Say that to her. Because the truth is, and you're feeling this, is when there's a part of your marriage that you're not engaged in and you guys are living in two separate lives and you just sweep it under the rug because it's just easier. The actual intimacy is built. When you lift up the rug and you deal with the stuff you've been sweeping under for 13 years, you guys actually are going to have a better marriage on the other end. It might get a little spicier in there in some of the conversations, but push through those because you guys have created good habits to this point. So just apply those to these money conversations. But everything you just said to us, Mike, say to her.

Speaker 1:
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