transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] But here's the thing, right? Wanting respect is not expecting too much. Wanting emotional safety is not expecting too much. Wanting consistency is not expecting too much. That is the fucking baseline, y'all. The baseline. So if there's anything that I want you to take away from this, it's that first of all, you don't have to rush to find this. It's not about leave and immediately find your next relationship at all. That is not the point. The point is knowing what exists, what's possible, so that when you're making decisions about your life, you are not calibrating your expectations based on dysfunction. You're calibrating them based on what is actually possible.

Speaker 2:
[00:46] Welcome to the Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, where we have open and honest conversations about co-parenting, separation, divorce, and the hardest question of all, should you stay or should you go? I'm Kate Anthony, your Divorce Survival Guide, and I'm here to help you navigate some of the roughest waters you've ever swum in, and answer some of your toughest questions. I've been to hell and back, and now it's my mission in life to help you get to the other side of this process, with your sanity and your heart intact. Hey everyone, welcome back.

Speaker 1:
[01:30] So this episode is a little different because this weekend, I'm getting married. And before you're like, okay, what podcast am I listening to? I know, it's a divorce podcast. But if you've been here for a while, you know that this isn't just about leaving. It's about what comes after, it's about what's possible, and this is part of it, apparently. I have been thinking a lot about whether I wanted to record this episode, not because it's a secret, you all, if you've been listening, you know I got engaged, you know about Ethan. But I'm also very aware of who's listening, right? And so many of you are in the middle of heartbreak, confusion, fear, grief, and I never want to feel like I'm holding something up that feels inaccessible or whatever, right? It's important to me to be mindful of who I'm speaking to and at what point in your lives I'm speaking to you. But then something really beautiful started happening when I was talking to my clients because I was telling clients like I'm going to be gone and this is why. And they responded with so much joy. I had one client literally burst into tears. And not just for me, but with this sense of hope, like, oh my God, this is possible. This exists. This is real. I might be able to have this. After all of this is done, at some point, there's hope. And that is why I want to share this with you today, because it's not just about me getting married. This is what happens when you don't settle. So I want to talk a little bit about what feels different, right? Because a lot of you are asking yourselves, well, how would I know? And how do I trust it? How do I trust the relationship? How do I trust a man if you are heterosexual? What should it feel like? And I want to be really clear that this difference is not about perfection. It's not that everything is always easy and perfect. The difference is in the foundation. And in my vows to Ethan, I wrote something about this being a relationship that was built on so much trust. This is a man who literally not once made me ever question where he stood, what he wanted, how he felt. No matter what, I know this man loves me and I know he chooses me. Over and over, every single day. Whatever issues we go through, from day one, I have felt chosen and completely and utterly his priority and focus. And for many of you, right, you've been in relationships where you've not felt that. All the relationships I was in prior to that, I didn't really feel that, right? I always felt like there was a foot out, there was very little honesty. And, you know, choosing each other wasn't this like mutual thing. And for many of you, this is what you're living through, what you're grappling with or what you're coming out of, right? You are the one choosing over and over and over again, alone and not being fully and completely chosen. Things can get really confusing because if you've been experienced, if you've experienced emotional abuse or course of control, like it's really hard to know what it feels like to be chosen, to be in a healthy relationship, right? So, look, healthy love is not this intense feeling in a way that destabilizes you. You know, it's not confusing. You don't have to constantly analyze it and look at it from this direction, from that direction and like, well, am I being or maybe he's being or maybe he's this or maybe I'm that or no, it's not something you have to figure out. Healthy love is steady. And for some of us, that can feel a little boring at first. Now, what I will say is that by the time I met Ethan, it wasn't boring at all. It was grounding. But in the past, maybe it would have felt boring. I don't know because I can't like sliding doors that and be like, well, if I had met him in the past, it would have felt this way. I don't know. But here's what I do now. Here's how it feels to feel grounded in a relationship. It feels like knowing where you stand at all times, not questioning your reality, not questioning how he feels about you, not questioning how you feel about him, not bracing for impact. It's being able to exhale. It's not walking on eggshells. It's not managing someone else's emotional state in order to keep the peace. It's not shrinking yourself to avoid conflict. It's being able to show up fully and not be punished for it. I always say that in my relationship with Ethan, I embody parts of myself I have never even known existed. Because I'm so relaxed and so free and so safe, that these parts of me bubble up. They're goofy. They're silly. They're like, I don't even know. And I'm like, who's that?

Speaker 2:
[06:48] Oh, wow.

Speaker 1:
[06:49] Interesting. Right? Because I'm not shrinking myself. I expand. I have expanded so much in this relationship. And that is so unfamiliar. I've never been in a relationship where I felt like I was just so free to take up all the space, all of it, extra space, more space, different space. You know, when you've been in a high conflict or abusive relationship, that kind of healthy love, it can feel really unfamiliar. Like I said before, it might feel boring, but it can also just kind of feel too calm. Right? Like, where's the intensity? Why am I not anxious? Was something missing? And what's, what's actually missing is chaos. Right?

Speaker 2:
[07:38] It's not chaos.

Speaker 1:
[07:40] And your nervous system might have to recalibrate to that. And that's part of the work. Because not settling isn't just about leaving and getting out, it's about being able to receive something different. And that takes time, a lot of time, a lot of healing. A lot of you know that I've been divorced for almost 17 years. I was single for a full eight before I met Ethan. If you're going through divorce and thinking, why does this feel so lonely and so hard to navigate? Phoenix Rising was created for you. This isn't about rushing you forward or telling you what to do. It's about clarity, steadiness, and not doing this in isolation. Phoenix Rising is my small group program for women navigating divorce, especially high conflict or emotionally abusive situations where you're surrounded by women who get it. And you learn real strategy, how to protect yourself, how to protect your children, make grounded decisions, and move forward with intention. You don't have to carry this alone anymore. Learn more at kateanthony.com/phoenixrising. I want to talk about this idea of settling, right? Because most of you aren't consciously going around saying, Well, I think I'm going to settle. None of us do that. I mean, we do ultimately sometimes when we meet someone, we're like, well, he's this and he's that, but it's okay. But for the most part, what's happening is you're adapting, you're tolerating, you're minimizing, you're telling yourself, it's not that bad. Your relationship has problems, relationships are work, right? That's the big one, relationships are work. Maybe I'm just expecting too much. But here's the thing, right? Wanting respect is not expecting too much. Wanting emotional safety is not expecting too much. Wanting consistency is not expecting too much. That is the fucking baseline, y'all. The baseline. So if there's anything that I want you to take away from this, it's that, first of all, you don't have to rush to find this. It's not about leave and immediately find your next relationship at all. That is not the point. The point is knowing what exists, what's possible, so that when you're making decisions about your life, you are not calibrating your expectations based on dysfunction. You're calibrating them based on what is actually possible. I also want you to know that my relationship is not a reward for leaving. It's not a prize at the end of divorce. It's a reflection of the work. Again, the time, the space, the clarity, the boundaries, the willingness to not abandon myself again. That is available to you. Whether or not you ever choose to partner again, because the goal isn't just a healthy relationship with someone else, it is a healthy relationship with yourself first, so that you prioritize yourself, you choose yourself, you honor and respect and know yourself enough to know when a relationship does not meet the bar. And if you keep saying no to the things that do not rise to the level that you are worthy of, it's possible that something else that does rise to that level will show up for you. And if it doesn't, you will still be happy. You will still feel fulfilled within yourself. So this weekend, I'm going to stand in front of all the people that I love and make vows that feel grounded in reality. And not in fantasy, not hope that someone will change, but in who we actually are as a couple. And I just want to say thank you to you guys, to this community, to my clients, for holding space for my joy, for allowing my joy, for reflecting back something really beautiful, that hope can exist even in the middle of all of this. And if you're listening and you're in the thick of it, I want this to be a reminder. You do not have to settle, not for confusion or instability, for being half-loved. There is so much more. And even if you can't see it yet, that doesn't mean it's not real. And that doesn't mean it doesn't exist for you. It might, but the only way it does is if you do the work, get on the other side, heal, and really, really, really lean into your self. Before we wrap it up, I also want to share one more thing with you, which is that if in listening to this episode, you're feeling that pull to reconnect with yourself, to be in a space where you don't have to explain or defend yourself and you want to lean more deeply into yourself and your own development and growth. This September 10th through 13th, my retreat, Unbreakable, is coming back. We're going back to Sedona, Arizona. We are going to be again at the Ancient Springs Retreat Center, which is a completely private retreat center. So we have the whole place to ourselves. Nobody else is allowed in while we're in there. And you get to hold space and be held in a space, be taken care of, surrounded by women who are going through exactly what you've been through. So again, that's September 10th through 13th. Registration is opening on May 4th. So you'll hear more about it soon. But for now, save the date. Look at your parenting plan, your custody schedule. See if you can work some things out, shift some things around, I'm giving you fair notice. And it is really, it is, I cannot tell you enough about what a magical, magical weekend it is to be in that space with a bunch of women and with, with other people taking care of you at your every need. Mark the calendar, save the date. And I will talk to you guys when I am back from my wedding and honeymoon. I love you so very much. Thank you for being here and as always, for doing the work that you're doing and for being you. Bye.

Speaker 2:
[14:29] Thanks for tuning in to another episode of The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast. If you like what you hear, head on over to Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen in and leave me a review. And don't forget to follow me on Instagram at KateAnthony underscore DivorceCoach. I'll see you next time, and until then, remember that you, my love, deserve to be happy.