transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Good fucking head can change your life, man.

Speaker 2:
[00:47] Nancy?

Speaker 1:
[00:48] I mean, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[00:50] I don't know. I've never, I don't know if I've ever had the elite head.

Speaker 1:
[00:53] No, I don't know. I don't know. I wouldn't have a good head if it sucked on my cock. Are we good? I just don't think I'm good to look up at is the issue. I don't think you can get really into doing that to me. When I'm just, this is what you see when I'm up.

Speaker 4:
[01:14] You guys seem to be turned on by the eyes gazing at them. Like, don't look at me.

Speaker 1:
[01:19] No. I wish there was doggy style for head.

Speaker 3:
[01:28] From the back.

Speaker 1:
[01:30] That would be nice.

Speaker 2:
[01:31] Yeah, no, stare at my pews.

Speaker 3:
[01:34] But even like you, me, it doesn't matter, I can't imagine even the best looking man looking good from that angle.

Speaker 1:
[01:40] No, definitely not.

Speaker 2:
[01:41] It's the worst angle.

Speaker 3:
[01:42] You're a man's halfway point looking straight up at everything. Nothing can look good from there.

Speaker 2:
[01:48] No, it's just like a rolling, it's like a Windows screen saver, just rolling in.

Speaker 1:
[01:55] Just sex in general when it's spontaneous and the moment happens and you don't have time to take your socks or watch off and you walk past the mirror and that's all you're wearing is the worst a man can look of just socks and watch.

Speaker 2:
[02:07] Yeah. And there's a glistening penis.

Speaker 4:
[02:11] You keep the watch on?

Speaker 1:
[02:12] Well, sometimes it's not very sexy to fiddle with it and take it off and then set it down gently next to the bed.

Speaker 3:
[02:24] I can't relate right now. I'm long past spontaneous sex part of my life.

Speaker 1:
[02:29] Yours are planned days in advance.

Speaker 3:
[02:30] Yeah, mine are planned weeks in advance.

Speaker 1:
[02:32] Sometimes you'll walk into the office on Monday. I'm like, morning, Brandon, because I'm here before you. And a lot way before you. And you'll be like, I'm having sex Thursday.

Speaker 3:
[02:40] Yeah. I mean, we got certain nights in my house. We got pot roast night. We got sex night. Those are the things we have every single week. It's a bit roast night. Yeah, we just have those things. And I wouldn't even know what spontaneous sex even looks like anymore.

Speaker 1:
[02:53] I'm tired of southern people looking down on Yankees for not trying dog shit food.

Speaker 4:
[02:59] What is this about?

Speaker 3:
[03:00] Yeah, what is this about?

Speaker 1:
[03:01] Oh, you've never had blank?

Speaker 3:
[03:03] Name the blank, and I'll tell you it was dog shit food.

Speaker 1:
[03:05] Because what you just said sounds silly.

Speaker 3:
[03:07] You never had mud griddles?

Speaker 1:
[03:09] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[03:11] Yeah, like mud griddles.

Speaker 1:
[03:12] Yeah, like, yeah. Just like you'll roll your eyes when I'm just like, yeah, I've never had chitlins.

Speaker 3:
[03:19] I wouldn't roll my eyes at chitlins. Chitlins would be like the litmus test of like, how southern are you?

Speaker 1:
[03:24] OK.

Speaker 3:
[03:24] But I would never speak to a northerner and be like, you've never had chitlins? But I would speak to a southerner. And be like, when's the last time you had chitlins? If they said never, I would be like, what the fuck's wrong with you? OK. So it's more like our test of each other as opposed to our expectation of you guys.

Speaker 1:
[03:39] You're kind of a gatekeeper people.

Speaker 3:
[03:41] And frankly, I don't even know what to do with you guys. Because you're not Yankees, but you're not southern either.

Speaker 1:
[03:48] There was a huge Reddit thread on Reddit geography about what West Virginia is. And it was a big debate.

Speaker 4:
[03:53] Specifically, the northern panhandle, Wheeling, where we're from, you just got it. We're Appalachia, which is a region.

Speaker 3:
[03:59] But you guys are more Ohioans than you are West Virginians, right?

Speaker 1:
[04:02] I think we'd be more Pennsylvania.

Speaker 3:
[04:04] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[04:05] We're both, yeah. So eastern Ohio is Appalachia. Same with western Pennsylvania. So we're not Midwest. We're not eastern at all or northeastern.

Speaker 3:
[04:14] And you're not southern.

Speaker 4:
[04:14] We're actually closer to northeastern. I would say we're closer to the Rust Belt section, like Buffalo, Cleveland, Erie, Toledo.

Speaker 3:
[04:23] But quality of life and day-to-day in West Virginia, Mississippi are very similar.

Speaker 1:
[04:27] I'd say.

Speaker 3:
[04:28] As far as like socioeconomic.

Speaker 1:
[04:29] Wheeling is like a steel town.

Speaker 3:
[04:33] You're an appendage to West Virginia, right? You don't really even belong to West Virginia.

Speaker 1:
[04:36] No. Do you think us growing up without like a cultural identity has fucked us up?

Speaker 3:
[04:42] I think it has made you the everyman of Barstool Sports. Oh, my God. That's what you are. You're the everyman.

Speaker 1:
[04:47] But there's not a soul we can relate to.

Speaker 4:
[04:48] It's forced me to give myself my own labels.

Speaker 1:
[04:52] Yeah?

Speaker 4:
[04:52] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[04:53] Do you do well with those?

Speaker 4:
[04:54] I always try to give people things to call me or to say about me.

Speaker 3:
[04:58] Do you like try to explore, like, I'm going to try to get into my southerness or I'm going to try to get into my north. I'm going to be more Midwestern. We're going to go through these phases. Do you do that?

Speaker 1:
[05:07] I just wanted to be black.

Speaker 4:
[05:08] Yeah, we all want to be black. So bad. Yeah, I always was black from like terrible age 11 to now. It's like especially 11 to 24. Every white boy wants to be black.

Speaker 3:
[05:21] That's just that's just America, though. We all we all want to be black. We all want to be have big dicks and be better athletes.

Speaker 2:
[05:28] Okay, so sorry. I want to have a big dick and dance good.

Speaker 3:
[05:31] Last night, I stopped at the Steak and Shake.

Speaker 1:
[05:35] This sounds like a Jeff Fox worthy bit. That's another thing. Souther.

Speaker 3:
[05:39] The in front of things.

Speaker 2:
[05:42] You know how you know if you're Southern?

Speaker 3:
[05:43] When you go to the Steak and Shake, we also put S's on things that don't belong. I stopped at Steak and Shakes last night.

Speaker 2:
[05:52] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[05:53] My mom does Kroger's and my mom... My God, does Chipotle give her fits?

Speaker 5:
[05:59] My God.

Speaker 1:
[06:00] She's said 100 different variations, never done it right.

Speaker 4:
[06:04] It's pretty simple.

Speaker 1:
[06:04] She's like 0 for 100 on Chipotle. Sometimes it's Chipolti. That's probably the most common.

Speaker 3:
[06:09] Chipotle's the worst one. A lot of people say Chipotle and it's just so wrong. It's not even close to right.

Speaker 1:
[06:16] It's not even one of the trickier words.

Speaker 3:
[06:18] It's pretty cut and dry.

Speaker 1:
[06:20] Yeah, that one will send her for a loop.

Speaker 3:
[06:22] So I stopped at the Steak and Shake last night.

Speaker 1:
[06:23] Oh yeah?

Speaker 3:
[06:25] Yeah, maybe I am on my Foxworthy shit. I stopped at the Steak and Shake.

Speaker 1:
[06:29] Bad fries.

Speaker 3:
[06:29] And there's...

Speaker 1:
[06:32] I'm not a shoestring, man.

Speaker 3:
[06:34] Listen.

Speaker 1:
[06:34] They get cold.

Speaker 3:
[06:35] They're terrific.

Speaker 1:
[06:36] You always have to eat it like spaghetti.

Speaker 3:
[06:38] No, they're terrific. You can get them by the handful.

Speaker 1:
[06:41] I don't want to get on my palm.

Speaker 3:
[06:42] Then what the fuck are you ordering fries for?

Speaker 1:
[06:44] I don't ever want to get food on my palms.

Speaker 3:
[06:46] Anyway, it was like a 50-year-old black woman working the window and me and her had a rapport that was just second to none.

Speaker 1:
[06:54] There is a natural magnetism to you when it comes to a menopausal black woman.

Speaker 3:
[07:00] Yes, they love me and I love them.

Speaker 1:
[07:02] I've never seen anything like it. We were out in Vegas. They are so drawn to you.

Speaker 3:
[07:07] I think it's height.

Speaker 2:
[07:10] I think it's because you're big and you kind of dress like a baby. Like, I think that's it.

Speaker 1:
[07:14] They want to take care of you?

Speaker 3:
[07:15] I don't know that black women appreciate men dressing like babies.

Speaker 2:
[07:18] No, I think that they look at you and they... I think that you're very, like, honeyable. Like, I like, oh, honey.

Speaker 3:
[07:23] Yeah, but no.

Speaker 1:
[07:23] Are they looking at you sexually?

Speaker 3:
[07:24] I think it's purely sexual.

Speaker 4:
[07:26] This is women in general, especially when you're expressing informal authority.

Speaker 3:
[07:31] But white women don't look at me with sexual desire.

Speaker 4:
[07:34] There was a video of you that went viral and throughout all of history, the pantheon of content creators...

Speaker 1:
[07:40] Do you want to talk about this?

Speaker 3:
[07:42] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[07:42] Okay. I just don't know if you want to be talked about being lusted after by tens of thousands of women.

Speaker 4:
[07:49] What happened to you?

Speaker 1:
[07:50] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[07:53] We can take it for a spin.

Speaker 3:
[07:54] We can listen.

Speaker 2:
[07:55] We'll take it out.

Speaker 1:
[07:56] Stop us at any...

Speaker 2:
[07:56] Let's see how we like it.

Speaker 3:
[07:58] Let's just give it a shot, though. Let's talk about tens of thousands of women sexually being into me.

Speaker 1:
[08:03] Did it make you feel like a piece of meat, like an object?

Speaker 3:
[08:07] Honestly, Nick, it made me feel kind of dead inside. Yeah. I was like, it just felt a little too late.

Speaker 1:
[08:13] Have you ever gotten hard from the written word? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[08:18] Yeah?

Speaker 1:
[08:18] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[08:19] What happened to you is the fantastical pinnacle of the best case scenario of posting a video online.

Speaker 3:
[08:28] I agree.

Speaker 4:
[08:30] You had tens of thousands of women fingering themselves and admitting it.

Speaker 3:
[08:37] So the video was from Hanna's MicroPod.

Speaker 4:
[08:40] MrBeast will never achieve that. He'll get trillions and maybe quadrillions of views. He'll never get fingered to in the comments.

Speaker 1:
[08:47] I don't think anybody has ever fingered themselves to Beast. But Brandon, you had women prune.

Speaker 3:
[08:53] It was crazy and it was out of nowhere. The clip actually happened like six months ago.

Speaker 1:
[08:57] And then it just blew up.

Speaker 3:
[08:58] But in the first run, it didn't do anything. It was my birthday last week and Hanna used that clip to say, Happy birthday.

Speaker 1:
[09:03] Oh, it was on your birthday too? Yes, yes.

Speaker 3:
[09:05] It was on my 47th birthday. And all of a sudden, women are like, Oh, yes, daddy. I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 4:
[09:10] They skipped the step of just saying like, this is sexy.

Speaker 3:
[09:13] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[09:14] Or I want to fuck this man. They pretty much said, I am fucking this man in my head and I'm fingering myself right now.

Speaker 3:
[09:20] I have just.

Speaker 1:
[09:20] And that could be good.

Speaker 4:
[09:21] From their personal accounts.

Speaker 3:
[09:23] It was it was it was wild. It was crazy. And it was pretty fucking awesome. Yeah. But again, if I could too little too late.

Speaker 1:
[09:30] Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Speaker 3:
[09:32] Ten thousand spoons when all I needed was a knife.

Speaker 2:
[09:35] I imagine you in the comment of the video being like, too little, too fucking late ladies.

Speaker 3:
[09:39] That's why I just said.

Speaker 4:
[09:39] Replying to every single one.

Speaker 2:
[09:41] No, like literally replying to them.

Speaker 3:
[09:43] Oh, and Rudy, do you think do you think I'm so egotistical and needy that I read all two thousand comments?

Speaker 2:
[09:51] And I would never think that about you.

Speaker 3:
[09:52] Did you took me about 25 minutes?

Speaker 1:
[09:54] Did you look at the profile pictures and decide if you'd fuck them or not?

Speaker 3:
[09:57] No, I didn't look at the profile pictures because...

Speaker 4:
[09:59] And you clicked on the Linklis, went to the Instagrams.

Speaker 1:
[10:03] Yeah, let's see. Okay, her page is private, but I see her sorority. Let's go to her sorority's page and see if she's tagged in any of these. I need to see full body.

Speaker 4:
[10:11] Can we bring this up? Can we look at the comments? I think so.

Speaker 3:
[10:13] That would have taken too much time because it was a volume game at that point. I was just enamored with the amount as opposed to the quality of the individual comment and person. I was just loving going through it.

Speaker 1:
[10:26] Does it make you feel good if your wife was ever like...

Speaker 3:
[10:28] It was on the Instagram comments. It might be on YouTube too. I don't know if she put it... I don't think she put that on YouTube.

Speaker 1:
[10:33] Does that make you feel good if your wife ever randomly went overboard on a cruise? Like you could come back to that and have a hell of a safety net?

Speaker 3:
[10:42] No. I think this was... Who's a good celebrity that had about two minutes of celebrity? That was my one moment in time. I'll never get it back.

Speaker 1:
[10:52] Yeah. And if you try to recreate it to get more of that, you're pathetic, but you want it, I'm sure.

Speaker 3:
[10:58] This was Matt Flynn signing a contract after throwing six touchdowns in one game.

Speaker 4:
[11:03] I was going to say, it's like Flynn-esque.

Speaker 3:
[11:04] Yeah. Ultimately, but Flynn kind of sucked.

Speaker 1:
[11:06] But then Russell Wilson will come out and...

Speaker 3:
[11:09] Correct. I had my Flynn moment, but ultimately, I'm not a...

Speaker 1:
[11:13] Well, who's your Wilson?

Speaker 3:
[11:13] I'm not a starting quarterback in that game.

Speaker 1:
[11:15] No, no.

Speaker 3:
[11:16] In the bitch game. I'm a third stringer at best, but really I'm more of like an undrafted free agent.

Speaker 1:
[11:23] But the thing is, you were tickled by seeing this, but what if you were, let's say, out walking around at the mall alone? You're manteeking and a girl came up to you, a college agent, and she's like, Brandon, oh my God, I fingered myself to you. You would just go into a shell.

Speaker 3:
[11:37] I think I would either go into a shell or I'd just legitimately shit my pants. I think shit would come out of my pants.

Speaker 1:
[11:43] Dude, I think you would leap and, like, for some reason, somehow freeze frame.

Speaker 3:
[11:48] You think I would jump up and kick my heels together?

Speaker 1:
[11:50] Stop. Your life would end. You'd be freeze framed there for the rest of your life.

Speaker 3:
[11:54] And that would be a hell of an end. That would be one hell of an end.

Speaker 1:
[11:57] Dude, that would be awesome if there was just a frozen man floating in the middle of Jim and Steve's.

Speaker 3:
[12:02] Do you think I could make it my thing to kick, click my heels together every time I'm happy?

Speaker 1:
[12:06] I don't, but, see, I think all those chicks that, like, lusted would, if they saw that, they would be horrified.

Speaker 3:
[12:15] I got some actual DMs from people, women, like, can you go to my meeting and doing this for me? Can you hold my man accountable? And I was like, oh, that's a good... This was basically just a skit.

Speaker 1:
[12:25] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[12:27] The funny thing is, that's not who you are. They're fingering themselves to an idea.

Speaker 3:
[12:30] Correct.

Speaker 1:
[12:31] If it was a dude that could kick your ass.

Speaker 3:
[12:35] Yes. If I respected smokes as a man, I never would have done it.

Speaker 1:
[12:38] Okay. I like seeing you. Thick thighs saves lives 420. Now that's a gal.

Speaker 3:
[12:45] Yeah, but, see, that's a ride I wouldn't survive. Yeah, you don't think so? We all agree with that, right?

Speaker 1:
[12:50] Brandon, if I...

Speaker 3:
[12:51] We're going into thick 5 save lives? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 4:
[12:55] Thick girls love learning CPR. Yeah. It's been fat dudes, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[12:59] Yeah, because they could kind of just naturally... I feel like a lot of those people have not found their thing yet, and so they're kind of naturally just good at applying pressure.

Speaker 4:
[13:08] How could I be a hero without having any endurance skills?

Speaker 2:
[13:13] I just...

Speaker 1:
[13:15] And the only emergencies they can think of is somebody eating too fast.

Speaker 2:
[13:20] Yes, exactly.

Speaker 3:
[13:21] I...

Speaker 4:
[13:22] I'm telling you, go to a CPR class in your region. Oh, yeah? Find one, yeah. Just some big fat dudes.

Speaker 3:
[13:31] I just looked at Thick Thighs Save Lives, her picture there, and I feel like Druski right now, because that's a line back her nose.

Speaker 1:
[13:39] Yeah, but I'm sure she's nice and she liked you.

Speaker 3:
[13:41] She seems wonderful.

Speaker 1:
[13:42] Let's bleep out her name. I don't want her to get made fun of. I'm sure she's very sweet.

Speaker 3:
[13:46] Yeah, let's not do that.

Speaker 1:
[13:48] But like, yeah, I don't think you can handle all that.

Speaker 3:
[13:50] I apologize. Now I'm an asshole. Now I turn my five seconds of fame into an asshole.

Speaker 1:
[13:55] Yeah, there it is, a villain already.

Speaker 3:
[13:56] You couldn't handle it.

Speaker 4:
[13:58] This was silly.

Speaker 1:
[13:59] I think that's a compliment, just be like, listen, I couldn't handle you.

Speaker 3:
[14:02] Oh, I fully admit that. I'll look at her. Of course, I'm 47. There's not a woman on earth I can handle at this point. But even back when I was 25 and a black woman would hit on me, I'll be like, there's nothing I can do.

Speaker 1:
[14:15] I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 3:
[14:16] There's nothing I can do for you.

Speaker 1:
[14:17] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[14:18] I can't do anything.

Speaker 2:
[14:21] I got no answer for this offense.

Speaker 3:
[14:24] I'm not hitting that pitch.

Speaker 1:
[14:25] That's got to feel so helpless.

Speaker 2:
[14:27] I'll be honest, I can't guard this.

Speaker 3:
[14:29] I don't belong in the court with you.

Speaker 1:
[14:31] Dude, that's like your Jeff Teague stories.

Speaker 3:
[14:35] My welcome to the league moment was just an attractive black woman saying, what's up?

Speaker 1:
[14:41] Dude, speaking of like thick dudes and women, I had a physical and they didn't tell me in person, but on my notes afterwards, it said I could lose weight.

Speaker 2:
[14:52] That's impossible.

Speaker 4:
[14:53] It's easy to be medically overweight.

Speaker 3:
[14:56] Where did the woman come from?

Speaker 1:
[14:57] I was fully clothed in 188. Ever since living with my fiance now, I'm like eating three meals a day. And so I'm 188 clothed.

Speaker 3:
[15:06] So you're completely normal.

Speaker 1:
[15:08] I thought so.

Speaker 3:
[15:09] You're living a completely normal life now.

Speaker 2:
[15:10] You're a sneaky 188 though.

Speaker 1:
[15:11] You think so? You're 6'3.

Speaker 2:
[15:13] You're tall, that's why. Yeah, you're tall, but you look skinny, but yeah, you're pretty tall.

Speaker 3:
[15:17] 6'3, 188 is about where you ought to be.

Speaker 2:
[15:19] Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1:
[15:20] Yeah, but I don't know if they were trying to push. It's enticing.

Speaker 3:
[15:24] How clinical was the language?

Speaker 1:
[15:26] Could lose weight.

Speaker 3:
[15:27] Could lose weight, because that doesn't sound that clinical at all.

Speaker 1:
[15:30] But I did go there for... That sounds like a preference. I think I have fucking sleep apnea. I have a sleep study to go do, so I have to go sleep in a doctor's office. So maybe she wants me to try to lose 10 pounds to see if the snoring goes away.

Speaker 2:
[15:42] Dude, if you get the Darth Vader mask.

Speaker 1:
[15:43] I'm very afraid of that.

Speaker 3:
[15:44] Dude, you get medical maladies for the fun of it.

Speaker 1:
[15:48] Dude, I know. It's a recognition. I don't really go to the doctor. This was my first time in four years. I had to give blood, passed out. The doctor was younger than me. He brought me in at Pokemon Capri Sun. He was like, you're all right, bud.

Speaker 4:
[16:01] No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

Speaker 1:
[16:03] Yeah, dude.

Speaker 3:
[16:03] I got so sweaty.

Speaker 1:
[16:05] He was like, you'll like this one.

Speaker 3:
[16:06] He said, they say bud or like sport.

Speaker 1:
[16:09] I was wearing a.

Speaker 2:
[16:10] He goes, yeah, he go pal.

Speaker 1:
[16:12] He's wearing a fucking Pokemon jacket.

Speaker 3:
[16:14] So that's why they think you lose weight. They thought you were a child.

Speaker 1:
[16:16] Yeah. I'm 100. There's my Pokemon Capri Sun. You got to fucking for out. It's got total dial on it.

Speaker 2:
[16:22] You went to a pediatrician.

Speaker 1:
[16:24] Probably. But I got dizzy.

Speaker 3:
[16:26] Did you get on a fire truck?

Speaker 1:
[16:27] I think I made a pretty fucking embarrassing noise. They took the blood and I go, whoa. And then I just remember the surf, my vision started getting like, it was almost like the end of Looney Tunes where it starts to close in. God, I am a child.

Speaker 3:
[16:43] How much fucking blood did they take?

Speaker 1:
[16:45] Like five vials.

Speaker 2:
[16:46] You cartoonishly fainted?

Speaker 1:
[16:48] Yeah. It's almost like when a housewife sees a mouse. I put the back of my hand on my forehead and my skirts fell up. I wear bloomers.

Speaker 3:
[16:57] Striped socks?

Speaker 1:
[16:59] Brandon, you have to love a chicken bloomers. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2:
[17:05] It's okay, Nick. I am a fat ass now, too.

Speaker 1:
[17:07] It sucks, man.

Speaker 3:
[17:09] Has the doctor ever said you could lose weight?

Speaker 2:
[17:11] No. I haven't gone to the doctor.

Speaker 3:
[17:13] The doctor leaving that as an option for you is kind of insulting. It's not like, hey, you got to lose weight. It's like, you could stand to lose it.

Speaker 2:
[17:20] Say it to my face. Say I am a tubby whale.

Speaker 3:
[17:22] Say I am a jiggly.

Speaker 1:
[17:24] Yeah, it's shamey. I don't want to find out afterwards. But yes, I am going to try to do that by just good choices.

Speaker 4:
[17:32] I think being a little fat is about to come back in.

Speaker 1:
[17:35] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[17:36] I think being slightly overweight is just adulthood.

Speaker 4:
[17:39] If you are 30 plus and not a little... Yeah, you are a little...

Speaker 3:
[17:43] I said slightly.

Speaker 4:
[17:45] Could lose.

Speaker 1:
[17:46] Yeah, I could. She said I could, dude. So I don't know. Actually, anybody could lose some weight. I wonder, every time a girl goes to the doctor, they just try to push birth control. And so I wonder if weight loss drugs are the new thing to push.

Speaker 3:
[18:01] Oh, just trying to make a little money off of you?

Speaker 1:
[18:03] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[18:03] Trying to get you on the big O?

Speaker 1:
[18:04] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[18:05] Okay. Maybe. I don't know.

Speaker 1:
[18:08] I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[18:09] But if you got on the O, you'd disappear. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[18:12] The O kind of scares the shit out of me. It's weird because it seems like it just makes your face skin loose off the skull and dangles. Scott Disick looks like just like a scream mask. He's dangling.

Speaker 4:
[18:27] Right. It's an unnatural slenderness.

Speaker 1:
[18:31] But Brandon, it's working on you.

Speaker 3:
[18:35] No.

Speaker 1:
[18:35] You wouldn't do it?

Speaker 3:
[18:37] I don't think I would. I have been thinking about getting into the peptides game. Me and KB have been talking a lot.

Speaker 1:
[18:43] That was recommended in my notes as well.

Speaker 3:
[18:45] I texted my doctor, Dr. Ned Miller, back home and I said, peptides?

Speaker 1:
[18:48] There's no way peptides has made it to Mississippi. No.

Speaker 3:
[18:52] Listen, we're on the cutting edge of drugs, especially the Walker family. I texted Dr. Ned Miller, I said, peptides? And he said, or stop being a lazy piece of shit.

Speaker 1:
[19:03] That's what doctors should say.

Speaker 3:
[19:06] He's a good doctor.

Speaker 1:
[19:07] What's he look like?

Speaker 3:
[19:09] He used to be fat and he's taking care of himself really well, so he looks really good. He's a good looking guy.

Speaker 4:
[19:14] I love when health gurus are disgusting. It actually makes me weirdly respect them more.

Speaker 1:
[19:19] I saw a guy yesterday that was like the worst things for baldness, and he was bald as a bat. I think it's blind.

Speaker 3:
[19:26] A baseball bat?

Speaker 1:
[19:27] Yeah, as bald as a bat. Yeah, thank you, Brandon.

Speaker 2:
[19:29] That's all a bat is.

Speaker 1:
[19:30] That works.

Speaker 4:
[19:32] Bald as a little steamerini.

Speaker 2:
[19:35] That's what you would look like if you shaved all the hair off your body.

Speaker 1:
[19:38] I'd look like a baseball bat? That's pretty funny. I do taper out like a baseball bat.

Speaker 4:
[19:44] I'd look like a softball bat.

Speaker 2:
[19:46] Come on.

Speaker 4:
[19:49] I'm bigger than Oprah.

Speaker 1:
[19:50] Are you?

Speaker 4:
[19:51] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[19:51] Like height-wise?

Speaker 4:
[19:52] Height and weight.

Speaker 3:
[19:53] Currently?

Speaker 4:
[19:54] So it's just, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[19:55] No, you're not. What about Oprah at her, like, at her biggest?

Speaker 3:
[20:00] Oh, no.

Speaker 1:
[20:02] She was a bonafide doozy.

Speaker 3:
[20:03] She was a tank.

Speaker 2:
[20:05] Yeah. She had to have, like, metal in her paws.

Speaker 1:
[20:07] Kudos to her for getting famous at...

Speaker 3:
[20:11] She figured it out, though. She figured out that when she lost weight, attention went up. Her profile skyrocketed. She would fluctuate. She would lose the weight, get the attention, get fat again, sneaky fat, and then lose it again. And she just kept the cycle going forever.

Speaker 1:
[20:28] Would you trade lives with Stedman?

Speaker 3:
[20:31] 100 percent, yes.

Speaker 1:
[20:32] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[20:33] Yes. Do I have to take his current age? Because I think he's in his 70s.

Speaker 1:
[20:36] I think he's not doing well. Yeah. No. Reborn as Stedman.

Speaker 3:
[20:40] I would absolutely live life as Stedman.

Speaker 1:
[20:42] That's her boy toy.

Speaker 3:
[20:43] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[20:44] Oh, OK. I was wondering who that was.

Speaker 3:
[20:45] Also, Stedman Graham is just a hell of a name.

Speaker 1:
[20:47] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[20:48] Like, even if he doesn't find Oprah, Stedman Graham is going to win in life.

Speaker 1:
[20:52] How long has he been with Oprah?

Speaker 3:
[20:55] Forty years, right? A long time.

Speaker 1:
[20:56] Yeah. He has a good ass life. Do they live in the same house or does she have him at... They don't sleep in the same bed. I know that.

Speaker 3:
[21:02] I don't know anything about their sleeping arrangements.

Speaker 2:
[21:04] OK.

Speaker 1:
[21:05] Yeah, me either.

Speaker 2:
[21:07] But never married?

Speaker 1:
[21:07] Wait, he has a book for a nine-step plan for success?

Speaker 3:
[21:11] Since 1986, 40 years.

Speaker 1:
[21:12] Oprah's prime.

Speaker 3:
[21:14] What do you think his access to her money is? If he wants to buy a piece of land in New Jersey, he wants to buy 40 acres of prime forest, does he have to go through her? Does he have to say, listen, I need about 1.5 for this?

Speaker 1:
[21:33] She likes to give.

Speaker 3:
[21:34] He was a tennis instructor at Denver Country Club? Boy, these records, sports instructors will get you.

Speaker 1:
[21:40] Yep.

Speaker 2:
[21:41] Oh, my God.

Speaker 1:
[21:42] Any chance you can get.

Speaker 2:
[21:44] I think he goes into her office like she's a dad and like a kid asking for some money. Can I use your credit card? You go to Brooks Brothers. She peels off 1.5 in cash.

Speaker 3:
[21:53] Do you think he has his own credit card that she is backing? At the end of the month, she's got a sheet out and she's looking at it. What was this?

Speaker 1:
[22:00] I want him to beg for cash and then she smacks his ass on the way out. I want him to be objectified and treated like shit.

Speaker 2:
[22:07] Then she does the bid from the thing. She's like, you get 40 grand, you get 40, look under your chair.

Speaker 1:
[22:11] It's always under the chair.

Speaker 2:
[22:14] Shout out to Stedman. What step one do you think?

Speaker 1:
[22:18] To his plan for success? Mary Oprah.

Speaker 2:
[22:20] Fuck Oprah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[22:22] You have to fuck Oprah hard.

Speaker 3:
[22:24] That's probably like step three.

Speaker 1:
[22:25] You think?

Speaker 3:
[22:26] He had to get access to Oprah first.

Speaker 2:
[22:27] No, step two is then you got to get through me.

Speaker 4:
[22:29] Yeah, is this like some nobody who just miraculously stumbled into Oprah Winfrey?

Speaker 3:
[22:33] It's not like he was a winner. I mean, he was a tennis instructor. He knew how to play tennis at least. Check your identity, understand your core self. Create your vision, define your desired future.

Speaker 1:
[22:43] None of this is so general.

Speaker 3:
[22:44] None of this is anything. Develop your travel plan. Create a roadmap for goals. Suck my dick, Stedman.

Speaker 1:
[22:49] What does it say about a business degree? Nothing on there about that.

Speaker 2:
[22:55] Dudes love books that have steps.

Speaker 3:
[22:58] They're all the same. Okay, I love the idea of those books. There have been times in my life where I wanted to get motivated or get myself going and maybe even get more spiritual and I would always buy a book.

Speaker 2:
[23:07] I've done that.

Speaker 1:
[23:07] You were buying self-help?

Speaker 3:
[23:08] Yeah, self-help or spiritual journey, any sort of thing like that or financial goals. But they're all the exact same where they start with this boring story of Alice from Denver who...

Speaker 2:
[23:20] I was a loser. I was a fucking stupid-ass loser.

Speaker 3:
[23:23] And by the third story, I was like, get to the fucking point. Save my fucking life here. Make me money. And then I never get more than five pages into any of those books.

Speaker 2:
[23:31] They think you're in it for a leisurely read. I'm here because I'm in fucking trouble.

Speaker 1:
[23:36] That's a man at his lowest if he buys a book that has the word like fuck on the cover. They always say fuck.

Speaker 2:
[23:42] your fucking life, you fucking idiot.

Speaker 1:
[23:43] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[23:44] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[23:44] Those are those are embarrassing. That's like that's contraband for a man. If you if a chick finds one of those in your house, you're unfuckable.

Speaker 2:
[23:51] How to unlock your inner bad.

Speaker 4:
[23:53] I kind of got into those. You brought to the big into this extent of like the fuck guys.

Speaker 3:
[24:00] I think having them is more is more important than reading.

Speaker 4:
[24:03] Oh, selling bullshit. But it weirdly does motivate you.

Speaker 3:
[24:08] It locks you in.

Speaker 4:
[24:09] Yeah, there is. There is a path.

Speaker 2:
[24:11] I think just buying the book and reading the first couple chapters, you're like, OK, I'm just going to I think what I need to do is try and maybe focus a bit more and then you're good.

Speaker 3:
[24:20] I legitimately think if we the four of us sat here till noon, we could write one.

Speaker 2:
[24:26] Oh, definitely.

Speaker 3:
[24:27] What was Brian Griffin from Family Guy? What was it? Think won't do or something like that. He wrote a bullshit self-help book and it was nothing.

Speaker 1:
[24:34] But like, dude, I would I would rather be Brian Griffin than Edmund.

Speaker 3:
[24:39] No, you would.

Speaker 1:
[24:39] Yes, I would.

Speaker 3:
[24:40] Brian Griffin lives in a middle class home.

Speaker 1:
[24:42] Did you see Kawhi Leonard talking about Peter Griffin? No.

Speaker 4:
[24:45] What did Kawhi say?

Speaker 1:
[24:47] He was talking about him like he knew him. He had to pick cartoon characters he'd want to play basketball with. He'd start SpongeBob because he's high energy. He'd bench Scooby-Doo because Scooby-Doo needs to figure it out. Then he'd cut Peter Griffin and Kawhi was like, I like him as a guy and he's funny, but he just doesn't have it. Can you play it? He talks about it like he was upset to do it. He didn't want to get back to.

Speaker 6:
[25:16] SpongeBob starting because he's just wild.

Speaker 4:
[25:21] SpongeBob is just wild.

Speaker 6:
[25:23] Scooby-Doo second. I need him to figure out what's going on.

Speaker 1:
[25:28] Then it paid him.

Speaker 6:
[25:29] I got to go. He's not known. Peter is funny. I like him as a person, but he got to go.

Speaker 1:
[25:37] He likes Peter as a person.

Speaker 4:
[25:38] Kawhi enjoyed that game.

Speaker 3:
[25:41] I've never seen Kawhi enjoy anything.

Speaker 2:
[25:43] Wait, he didn't have to cut anybody. He went out of his way to cut Peter?

Speaker 3:
[25:49] Peter Griffin got to go.

Speaker 1:
[25:50] He's got to go.

Speaker 2:
[25:51] Great fucking guy.

Speaker 1:
[25:54] I hope he lands on his feet.

Speaker 3:
[25:56] Best of luck in his future endeavors. But he can't be around here.

Speaker 4:
[26:00] I'll be playing with Bob.

Speaker 1:
[26:02] Bob's wild.

Speaker 2:
[26:03] He's got to go to the G League.

Speaker 4:
[26:04] Kawhi loved playing that game.

Speaker 1:
[26:06] I think, dude, he liked that more than any basketball game ever.

Speaker 4:
[26:09] I got to hang out at the clubhouse more often.

Speaker 1:
[26:14] He's never liked basketball fraction of having to do that.

Speaker 3:
[26:19] You're right. There was a little pain on his face when he showed Peter Griffin the door.

Speaker 1:
[26:23] He's hilarious. That was like when you eliminate somebody from The Bachelorette, your great hang.

Speaker 3:
[26:30] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[26:32] It's like when Ocho Single got cut on Hard Knocks.

Speaker 1:
[26:35] I don't remember that.

Speaker 2:
[26:35] It's a tough conversation in an office. We like you a lot. You got to go.

Speaker 1:
[26:39] Damn.

Speaker 2:
[26:40] Ocho.

Speaker 1:
[26:40] Was that from The Patriots?

Speaker 3:
[26:42] Dolphins.

Speaker 1:
[26:42] Oh, I forgot about that.

Speaker 3:
[26:44] Yeah, he had a little domestic assault thing hanging over his head so they had to get rid of him.

Speaker 1:
[26:48] How little?

Speaker 3:
[26:49] I think it blew over and whatever got resolved or something and didn't end up sticking or something. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but that was hanging over during his thing.

Speaker 2:
[26:59] See, I was too young and stupid. I thought it was because he was just trash.

Speaker 1:
[27:02] Well, he was very good at the time.

Speaker 3:
[27:03] I'm pretty sure. I think that's why it happened. Dolphins wide receiver was released on bail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's when they did it.

Speaker 1:
[27:11] You had to have been devastated, you're a Dolphins man.

Speaker 3:
[27:14] I am a huge Dolphins man, but I was also in the early days of Twitter. Like I joined Twitter late. I joined Twitter in like 2010 or 11. And I thought Chad OchoCinco was like the peak of everything.

Speaker 1:
[27:28] Oh, yeah, dude. I've said it on this show. He was my first ever tweet on like my first Twitter account. I tweeted at him after I got dumped.

Speaker 3:
[27:34] It was one of my first.

Speaker 4:
[27:36] He was interactive.

Speaker 1:
[27:37] I was just like, my girl went to the beach and hasn't talked to me and then broke up when we got back. Man, or something like that. I was like looking for like relationship advice from Ocho.

Speaker 4:
[27:45] I was doing the same thing with I don't wear condoms. And I don't, I disrespect Hoes.

Speaker 1:
[27:51] You were tweeting at them for advice?

Speaker 4:
[27:52] No, I was pretending to be like them.

Speaker 1:
[27:55] Oh yeah?

Speaker 4:
[27:55] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[27:56] How so?

Speaker 4:
[27:58] Like tweeting like, damn, you know, bronze dads throwing up his holiday ham watching this game.

Speaker 1:
[28:04] It's pretty specific. Wait, you tweeted at Ocho too?

Speaker 3:
[28:14] I had to go to Miami for the Orange Bowl one time in 2014, and I had been dying to get Ocho Cinco's attention. I just thought he was the funniest dude on Twitter, and I kept adding him on Twitter and saying like, Ocho, I'm coming to Miami. What's the move?

Speaker 1:
[28:29] You wanted another move from Ocho?

Speaker 3:
[28:31] I was 35 years old at this time with three kids, and I was like, what's the move, Ocho? And he never answered me, and I thought that was my shot. That was my Steadman moment, and I failed.

Speaker 1:
[28:39] Yeah, you could have had Ocho. You could have been unk with Ocho.

Speaker 2:
[28:42] The easiest way to get him is to say, I want to play you in FIFA.

Speaker 3:
[28:45] I know, but it's very, I think he'll say like, I'm coming to Spokane right now, who wants to play FIFA? 250 people will answer him. He'll pick one guy out. So even then, it's a lottery. It's an Ocho Cinco lottery.

Speaker 2:
[29:00] One of the first things I ever did at Barstool was play Ocho Cinco in FIFA.

Speaker 1:
[29:02] You played Ocho? You got to play Ocho Cinco in FIFA?

Speaker 2:
[29:04] Yes, literally like my first week.

Speaker 1:
[29:05] Was he in the office?

Speaker 2:
[29:06] He came to the office and YP was like, are you sick at FIFA? And I was like, yeah, I play a lot of FIFA.

Speaker 3:
[29:11] Were you lying or telling the truth?

Speaker 2:
[29:12] No, I was pretty good.

Speaker 3:
[29:13] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[29:14] And I was playing a lot of the time, and then I played Ocho Cinco, and he just absolutely erased me from the face of the earth. And it was one of the most embarrassing things. YP was like, I can't believe you fucking did that to me.

Speaker 1:
[29:24] There was a point right before I started working here where there were some huge guests that were coming in. Like, because you had Soulja Boy bowing to you, Kyle.

Speaker 2:
[29:34] The Soulja Boy entrance was unbelievable.

Speaker 4:
[29:36] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[29:36] There were some doozies.

Speaker 2:
[29:37] He came out of the elevator and goes, it's Soulja.

Speaker 1:
[29:40] That's so sick.

Speaker 3:
[29:42] At the office, he walked out of the elevator and said, it's Soulja.

Speaker 2:
[29:44] Yeah. That was at the first New York office where the elevator-

Speaker 3:
[29:47] The elevator was right into the office.

Speaker 2:
[29:48] Right. So yeah, he said, it's Soulja.

Speaker 3:
[29:51] I think playing video games with somebody will weirdly make me lose respect for somebody very quickly.

Speaker 1:
[29:56] If they get mad or frustrated or bad.

Speaker 3:
[29:58] Or if they're bad. Like, Smitty one time grabbed me and said, I got Wendell Carter Jr. in here to play 2K and I don't play 2K. Do you play? I said, yeah. I walked in there and I'm playing this 22-year-old NBA player, and I beat the shit out of him. I was like, I don't think you're much of a man. Yeah. You can't be losing to me in NBA 2K.

Speaker 1:
[30:18] But he's like busy.

Speaker 3:
[30:20] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[30:20] With the NBA.

Speaker 3:
[30:21] Okay. Sure. Sure. There's that. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[30:25] Have you ever flubbed an interaction with a notable person? Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[30:29] A bunch. Every single time when I was doing the wrestling podcast and I kept going to WWE events and they invited me early in that podcast life, I flubbed my interaction.

Speaker 1:
[30:39] You only had an early life.

Speaker 3:
[30:41] I flubbed. Infant mortality rate was high on that one.

Speaker 5:
[30:45] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[30:47] That was a bummer.

Speaker 3:
[30:49] Yeah. That one had a sudden infant death in front of it.

Speaker 1:
[30:52] That one's like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[30:54] I flubbed every interaction with Triple H. Every time he talked, I said the dumbest thing I've ever said in my life. I don't know. He had me on the show.

Speaker 1:
[31:04] Were you calling him Hunter off the rip?

Speaker 3:
[31:05] I called him Hunter.

Speaker 1:
[31:06] Yeah. You don't do that.

Speaker 3:
[31:07] I referred to Stephanie McMan, who hasn't gone by Stephanie McMan Helmsley in 25 years. I referred to her as that name. What's the Helmsley there? In Storyline, they got married in 2000, and she carried the Helmsley for a while.

Speaker 1:
[31:19] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[31:19] Hunter Hearst Helmsley?

Speaker 1:
[31:20] Oh, you were trying to impress him?

Speaker 3:
[31:22] I wasn't trying to impress him. I just said it stupidly, and they were like, we haven't done that 20 years, and they thought I was an idiot. And then one time, he has me on the pre-show for Ellie Knight's debut. Oh, yeah. Before they go live, he's on the thing, and he's saying, Brandon, back up, back up. There was no rail behind us. We were like 15 feet up. He's like, back up, back up. And he was trying to make a joke that I was going to fall off. And then afterwards, he said, yeah, I was just digging at you there. And for some reason, I went, yeah, it wasn't funny.

Speaker 1:
[31:49] To Triple H? To Triple H.

Speaker 3:
[31:50] And I was like, yeah, it was pretty funny. And I don't know why I said it like that. And then his face was like, oh, I was just trying to have fun with you, but you're an asshole. And now, I'm an asshole to him forever, and there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do. And it's Triple H, the most powerful man in the industry, and I'm just a little bitch. And that's my thought.

Speaker 1:
[32:09] Oh, that's got to be devastating.

Speaker 3:
[32:11] Have y'all flubbed?

Speaker 1:
[32:12] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[32:13] I don't even attempt.

Speaker 3:
[32:14] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[32:14] I have no desire to put myself in a situation to interact with a celebrity.

Speaker 3:
[32:20] I have nothing but desire to do that.

Speaker 4:
[32:21] You do.

Speaker 3:
[32:22] Yeah. So when a famous person comes in, you don't think of, what can I say to them? If they do walk by me, what will my approach be? You just take yourself out of the situation?

Speaker 4:
[32:36] No.

Speaker 3:
[32:36] Okay.

Speaker 1:
[32:37] No. We had the cute guy from Gossip Girl come in, Chase Crawford, Chance Crawford.

Speaker 3:
[32:44] You could have described him any way you wanted to, and you chose cute guy.

Speaker 1:
[32:46] He is. That's really the only way to describe him. And I was just kind of an ass. I was just like, hey, man, I've never seen Gossip Girl, but I want to send this to my sister. And that sucked. I shouldn't have done that. But I was like, I like the boys, though.

Speaker 3:
[33:02] I did the exact same thing with one of the impractical jokers. I was like, I've never seen you, but my daughter loves you.

Speaker 1:
[33:08] See, that's up.

Speaker 4:
[33:08] People do that a lot.

Speaker 1:
[33:09] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[33:10] People do that to us, too.

Speaker 1:
[33:11] People do that to us, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[33:12] But we're nothing.

Speaker 4:
[33:13] But they think it's, no, I think they think it's a gesture of respect. They don't want to feel like they're creeping you out. So they're like, I never listen to your stuff.

Speaker 3:
[33:20] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[33:21] Like, I wouldn't appreciate it if you did.

Speaker 3:
[33:25] Yeah. It would mean more to me if you had a history with my stuff.

Speaker 1:
[33:28] I could still stay working here.

Speaker 2:
[33:30] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[33:30] I put my stuff out there for you to enjoy.

Speaker 2:
[33:33] I'll take the picture, but it would be preferable if you-

Speaker 3:
[33:35] Right. If you knew who I was. I was in the airport a couple weeks ago, and I was in the gate, and I had taken pictures like three-

Speaker 1:
[33:44] It's got to happen to you a lot, because you don't look like, do you have doppelgangers that are from this century?

Speaker 3:
[33:49] No, I had taken pictures like three guys, and there was this young lady, college student in the gate, and she literally walked up to me and said, I don't know who you are, but you're somebody, so can I take a picture with you?

Speaker 1:
[34:02] That's a nice piece.

Speaker 3:
[34:03] I was like, yeah. Then she went and FaceTimed her buddies back at Florida State. She brought the phone back and she said, my buddies wanted to see who you were. Then she showed me and I said, what's up, guys? She goes, do you all know? They said, no. It sucked. It sucked bad.

Speaker 2:
[34:22] You got to take that plane down.

Speaker 3:
[34:24] Just immediately?

Speaker 2:
[34:25] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[34:26] None of us are surviving this?

Speaker 2:
[34:27] None. No one's making that. That's terrible, dude. What did she say after that?

Speaker 3:
[34:31] It was just, obviously, I was sitting first class, so she had to walk by me. It was just an awkward, we both avoided eye contact.

Speaker 1:
[34:39] That's tough. She put you in a weird situation.

Speaker 3:
[34:41] She did.

Speaker 1:
[34:41] She set you up for failure.

Speaker 3:
[34:42] She did.

Speaker 1:
[34:43] I always feel such pity for when a Jeopardy, I guess, answer question is a person and nobody knows it. You're notable enough to be a Jeopardy question and none of these geniuses know who you are.

Speaker 4:
[34:56] Yeah, no geniuses, no trivia geniuses.

Speaker 1:
[34:58] Of all of my studies, this person's never come across my desk.

Speaker 2:
[35:01] Someone who's literally an expert at everything.

Speaker 1:
[35:02] Yeah, and I feel so bad for those. It's the most awkward silence in television.

Speaker 3:
[35:08] That being said, I am addicted to blank faces on Jeopardy when a sports category comes up.

Speaker 1:
[35:12] Yeah, they don't know shit about that, those fucking dorks.

Speaker 3:
[35:14] When Ken, or you know, used to be Alex, was like, he asks a question or says the answer, and then there's that 10 second period where he's just looking at them.

Speaker 1:
[35:22] And Ken likes sports, so he gets disappointed. And they don't know some pretty general stuff.

Speaker 3:
[35:26] He gets disappointed but amused at how ignorant they are. And he's like, ha, guys, that's obviously Will Chamberlain.

Speaker 1:
[35:34] But sports, if you aren't a fan of them for a long time, it's really hard to just research it. It's so deep. You can't just speed run through it and...

Speaker 3:
[35:44] No, that's why I'm worried about my boys.

Speaker 4:
[35:46] We're the opposite here.

Speaker 1:
[35:47] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[35:49] We know sports trivia, not we, but you guys.

Speaker 3:
[35:52] We mainline sports here.

Speaker 4:
[35:54] And then nothing on science.

Speaker 1:
[35:57] You have convinced yourself you're smart.

Speaker 3:
[35:59] Correct, yes. But I did that long before here.

Speaker 1:
[36:02] Really?

Speaker 3:
[36:02] Yeah, I had convinced myself of that many, many years ago in my lucrative newspaper career.

Speaker 1:
[36:07] How poor were you?

Speaker 3:
[36:09] Bad.

Speaker 1:
[36:09] Were you like skipping dinner or are you doing like a brown sugar on bread dinner?

Speaker 3:
[36:15] When I was 10, I had an aunt who lived three counties away, and she drove over one day in the middle of summer, and I was at home by myself. And she took me to the grocery store to surprise buy us groceries because she knew my dad didn't buy it.

Speaker 1:
[36:30] That's tough.

Speaker 3:
[36:31] Yeah. So that happened. So Aunt Corrine, RIP to you. But it was a single wide trailer.

Speaker 1:
[36:37] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[36:38] Guess what, guys?

Speaker 1:
[36:39] Was it... All right.

Speaker 4:
[36:41] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[36:42] Yeah. We moved out of a single wide trailer into my grandfather's house when I was 15.

Speaker 1:
[36:47] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[36:47] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[36:48] So you had puberty in a trailer?

Speaker 3:
[36:51] No. Like I said, 15, so I had puberty in the new house. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[36:54] Wait, you had puberty that late?

Speaker 3:
[36:56] Puberty first year of college, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[36:58] What?

Speaker 3:
[36:59] No, not that late. Okay. I was late, but not that late.

Speaker 1:
[37:02] Okay. So a single-wide trailer, it's not smaller in this room.

Speaker 3:
[37:08] It's pretty, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[37:09] Yeah?

Speaker 3:
[37:10] It's like not wide. It's one room, one room, one room, one room.

Speaker 1:
[37:15] I've been in some nice ones.

Speaker 3:
[37:17] Single-wide? You mean it's nice double-wide? Double-wide can get-

Speaker 1:
[37:20] They're the permanent ones where you have that metal sheet on the side where you can't see that it's like-

Speaker 3:
[37:24] A double-wide can get nice. A single-wide, there's nothing nice about it. If your car, if your house can be transported to your forever home by wheel, it's not good. It needs to be, there needs to be some bricks involved somewhere.

Speaker 1:
[37:39] You were an infant in this?

Speaker 3:
[37:41] No, no, no. We bounced from rental house to rental house for years. Okay.

Speaker 4:
[37:46] Yeah. I've been in a bunch of trailers for my job. The size-wise is always fine, but the things they put in the trailer to take up space, is always crazy. First off, three massive dogs.

Speaker 5:
[38:00] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[38:01] The biggest dogs.

Speaker 4:
[38:02] I would enter to do my early intervention assessments, and I attacked right off the bat. Scratching, clawing.

Speaker 3:
[38:10] Trailer dogs are all up in your face.

Speaker 5:
[38:11] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[38:14] Attacked right off the bat, and I knew I was going to get attacked.

Speaker 1:
[38:16] Trailer Dogs is a really good podcast name.

Speaker 5:
[38:20] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[38:21] Well, I'm always down for new shows. All right.

Speaker 1:
[38:22] Let's do it.

Speaker 3:
[38:23] Trailer Dogs.

Speaker 1:
[38:26] Sorry, Kyle.

Speaker 4:
[38:27] There'll be like bicycles, there'll be like an ATV inside the-

Speaker 1:
[38:30] They'll always have some pretty high value items.

Speaker 4:
[38:32] Then the bed will be on the porch, and all the couches will be in the yard.

Speaker 3:
[38:37] There will be a temporary garage, there'll be like a metal roof that houses the car, which is usually a Ford Mustang, maybe a Camaro.

Speaker 1:
[38:46] Yeah, it's a Mustang.

Speaker 4:
[38:47] I'm not talking about extreme poverty.

Speaker 1:
[38:49] No, because those people always end up at Disney somehow too.

Speaker 4:
[38:52] Yeah, because these people are going to Disney. They do have good snacks, cheap, but like the best selection of unhealthy snacks.

Speaker 3:
[38:59] Yeah, Doritos for days.

Speaker 1:
[39:01] I think like, what was the stat? Like 35% of Cosmic Brownies are consumed in a trailer. I think it's something like that.

Speaker 3:
[39:09] Yeah, I think that's the stat.

Speaker 1:
[39:09] I think so.

Speaker 4:
[39:10] Yeah, I think that's what came out.

Speaker 1:
[39:11] Who was tracking that?

Speaker 4:
[39:13] Yeah, Forbes, Forbes is, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[39:17] My favorite thing is like you see a trailer park and then the guy's car outside of it is like an F-150 and he's sunk, got to be 100,000.

Speaker 1:
[39:25] Oh, it's lifted, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[39:25] It's lifted. All of the wealth is inside that car.

Speaker 4:
[39:29] The car is well, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[39:30] Dude, dudes and trailers always have dual lease. Yeah. Okay, yeah, I've lived in small house.

Speaker 4:
[39:37] Crazy aquariums. They like fish, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[39:42] Is this true?

Speaker 3:
[39:44] Never for me, but I know the esthetics of these. The esthetics of yours. Well, we were just a family in there, so there were a lot of dogs.

Speaker 1:
[39:51] You didn't have your own room, right?

Speaker 3:
[39:52] I had my own room.

Speaker 1:
[39:53] You did?

Speaker 3:
[39:54] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[39:54] What was the size of your room?

Speaker 3:
[39:55] Small. I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 1:
[39:57] Twin size bed?

Speaker 3:
[39:58] I always had a full size bed, always had a TV, always had things. See, yeah. Yeah, I always had the Sega Genesis. I was living okay, but I just never had a house of our own till I was 15. And then once we got that, that's the house I still own today.

Speaker 1:
[40:13] So I guess you could, with your jump in lifestyle, you could almost ask the question they ask, newly drafted rookies, what was your first purchase when you had it made?

Speaker 3:
[40:26] Well, I don't have it made yet. But I bought my wife a nice car. When I bought my wife a nice car, I thought, okay, well, you're finally out of it.

Speaker 4:
[40:35] But you don't let her drive.

Speaker 3:
[40:36] She doesn't drive, no, I let her drive. I don't let her drive me. That's the difference. I don't drive in her, I don't ride in her car. She drives my kids around all the time. When I'm here, she's just driving. I think I'm going to get her a nicer car for Mother's Day this year. I got a big year. We got Mother's Day coming up. It's her 50th birthday and it's our 20th anniversary all this year.

Speaker 1:
[41:03] Oh, you're going to be out.

Speaker 2:
[41:05] You are no longer going to be rich.

Speaker 3:
[41:06] This is a big year for me.

Speaker 4:
[41:08] Are you going for creativity and sentimentality or just price tag?

Speaker 3:
[41:14] I think I'm going price tag.

Speaker 4:
[41:15] Which is usually the best.

Speaker 3:
[41:17] I think I'm just going to knock her over with dollar bills.

Speaker 1:
[41:20] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[41:21] That's what I'm going for.

Speaker 1:
[41:22] So it's Mother's Day. You're getting anything for Mama?

Speaker 3:
[41:24] No, I'm not talking to her right now. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about that. Let's move on.

Speaker 1:
[41:30] If I were you, I'd be so mad.

Speaker 3:
[41:32] Yeah, let's move on.

Speaker 5:
[41:34] Can you return a car? Like, if you bought her a car and she doesn't like it, can you return it?

Speaker 3:
[41:39] You can return a car. I would be. I don't return anything. If I buy it and it doesn't work or if I bought the wrong thing, I just eat it. But I-

Speaker 1:
[41:49] I don't know how to do it.

Speaker 3:
[41:50] I would- I get embarrassed returning socks. I couldn't imagine returning a car.

Speaker 2:
[41:57] Yeah, what do you say?

Speaker 3:
[41:58] What the fuck do you say?

Speaker 2:
[41:59] I don't know. I'm kind of like you.

Speaker 3:
[42:01] Because you know these car salesmen live to sell cars, and selling a car is a big deal. They probably sell 15 a month, and then you come back the next day and you're like, actually, I don't like metallic purple.

Speaker 2:
[42:12] Yeah, and then through the process, you develop a friendship or some kind of relationship. Like something.

Speaker 1:
[42:17] Well, this guy's livelihood to sell cars and it's hard as fuck, I'd imagine. How many car salesmen sell a week?

Speaker 2:
[42:23] I have no idea.

Speaker 3:
[42:25] I would say between 15 and 20 a month is just my guess.

Speaker 1:
[42:29] Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[42:29] But it's like you go back to return it and you tell him, yeah, and he's probably thinking, what was that hour we spent together? What did that mean then?

Speaker 1:
[42:37] Wait, you didn't know you didn't like purple?

Speaker 2:
[42:39] Is it me?

Speaker 3:
[42:40] I used to sell cell phones at Radio Shack, and when somebody would bring a cell phone back, I would just glare at them. You motherfucker. I got a $10 spiff for selling you that. Now I'm going to have to give that shit back?

Speaker 1:
[42:50] The worst feeling I've ever had is...

Speaker 2:
[42:51] So do you do me like this?

Speaker 1:
[42:53] For like my 10th birthday, I wanted the screen that you put on the top of the PlayStation 2 so you could play it in the car and plug it in, but it looked like shit. It didn't really work, and it was $100, and I went to Toys R Us to return it, and I was like just sick to my stomach.

Speaker 3:
[43:09] Yeah, that's a bad feeling. Yeah. I hate returning it. I don't think I'll return shit at this point. I just don't do it.

Speaker 2:
[43:16] Dude, car entertainment, it had a moment.

Speaker 1:
[43:19] Yeah, the DVD screens? Yeah, but you never watch traditional movies in there. It was always like these weird like, it was always like Lion King 1 1 2 1. It was always like a weird like straight DVD version of a popular IP. And I don't know what that was about the car.

Speaker 4:
[43:39] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[43:41] Yeah, I remember watching Memos.

Speaker 4:
[43:42] It was never a normal movie.

Speaker 1:
[43:43] Ever, ever.

Speaker 4:
[43:44] Undercover Brother, maybe.

Speaker 1:
[43:46] Maybe Undercover Brother or like a...

Speaker 3:
[43:48] Fucking love Undercover Brother.

Speaker 1:
[43:50] You do? Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[43:53] I thought Eddie Griffin was going to be that guy.

Speaker 1:
[43:56] Is he still with us?

Speaker 3:
[43:57] He's still with us. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[43:58] OK.

Speaker 3:
[43:59] He's always popping off on Twitter, just saying something loudly.

Speaker 1:
[44:03] It's a special trait when you can tweet loud.

Speaker 2:
[44:06] Do they even do that anymore with new cars?

Speaker 3:
[44:08] What?

Speaker 2:
[44:09] The screens?

Speaker 1:
[44:10] No phones.

Speaker 3:
[44:11] No. And you would think every technology just gets bigger and bigger and better and better and better and better. And we had one iteration of in car entertainment. They had the drop down, you know, screens and then they just said, you know what? Fuck it. That was a bad idea. And they just got rid of them.

Speaker 1:
[44:27] There was a van. I think my parents had the full unit coming down that had VHS.

Speaker 3:
[44:33] I had a van. I bought a used van in 2018. It was like a 2008 van and it had a drop down. But again, that's a very specific time in our lives. It's just not coming back.

Speaker 1:
[44:44] Yeah, that was really awesome. When you got into a friend's car for a long trip and they had one.

Speaker 5:
[44:48] Yeah, I used to watch the Brady Bunch.

Speaker 1:
[44:50] Brady Bunch, yeah. See, that's a weird. That's a car owned.

Speaker 3:
[44:52] That's fucking weird.

Speaker 4:
[44:53] That is a car one, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[44:55] It's a good show.

Speaker 1:
[44:56] It's a wholesome show. That was one of the first gay actors, right? You have to go.

Speaker 3:
[45:02] Which one?

Speaker 1:
[45:03] Was that the dad in Brady Bunch?

Speaker 3:
[45:04] He's gay?

Speaker 1:
[45:05] Was he at AIDS death?

Speaker 3:
[45:07] No. You thinking of Freddie Mercury?

Speaker 1:
[45:09] No, no, no.

Speaker 3:
[45:11] Brady Bunch dad. Robert Reed died of AIDS?

Speaker 1:
[45:13] I think. Unless I'm confused with Rock Hudson.

Speaker 3:
[45:17] He's from Highland Park, Illinois.

Speaker 1:
[45:19] Oh, no. Colorectal cancer. No, but I'm confused with Rock Hudson.

Speaker 3:
[45:23] Yeah, I can see where you do that.

Speaker 1:
[45:25] No, wait. HIV positive.

Speaker 3:
[45:27] Oh, okay.

Speaker 4:
[45:30] That's got to be paragraph one.

Speaker 3:
[45:31] Good for you, Nick.

Speaker 1:
[45:32] I know.

Speaker 4:
[45:33] That's a lasting legacy. That can't be that deep into your wic-a-wac.

Speaker 2:
[45:37] Man, he got double-wayed. He got double-wayed.

Speaker 1:
[45:39] Oh, my God.

Speaker 3:
[45:40] Go. Right now?

Speaker 2:
[45:41] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[45:42] See ya.

Speaker 2:
[45:44] Later, Brandon.

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 7:
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Speaker 1:
[51:47] Big thank you to Brandon Walker. Is he the most recurring guest? Or is it Rudy?

Speaker 4:
[51:53] It's either Brandon Walker. Rudy's been on sneaky a lot.

Speaker 1:
[52:02] The three of us hung out at your housewarming party. It could have been the four of us. I know Jack G sent a long text to you. You said you were going to fuck with him by just thumbs uping it. Is that what you did?

Speaker 4:
[52:15] First off, this wasn't a party. This was very exclusive. It was the Anus crew and their significant others. So I was like, it was more of a test to see, does Jack give a shit about me?

Speaker 1:
[52:30] Well, the thing is, that's true. And also, I don't know if he knows. You don't open up for just anything.

Speaker 4:
[52:37] I don't open my doors for it. He had a chance to be a part of social history. I haven't had guests, plural, over my place ever. Just family.

Speaker 1:
[52:50] Yeah, just in Macindel.

Speaker 4:
[52:52] But they flew in. I've never like, hey, people in Chicago come to my place.

Speaker 1:
[52:58] Right, because-

Speaker 4:
[52:58] And this is an inside look at my place.

Speaker 1:
[53:00] You've never had people over that have somewhere else they could sleep. You've never had-

Speaker 4:
[53:07] Exactly.

Speaker 1:
[53:08] Yeah, you've never had people that share an area with you.

Speaker 4:
[53:10] No one's ever ubered to my place. So, this was massive. So, a very exclusive event.

Speaker 1:
[53:17] How long have I known you, 29 years?

Speaker 4:
[53:22] Probably since kindergarten.

Speaker 1:
[53:25] Never.

Speaker 4:
[53:25] My kindergarten, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[53:26] And then-

Speaker 4:
[53:27] Never been to my place.

Speaker 1:
[53:28] I've been dying. I've been dying for it.

Speaker 4:
[53:29] And there's so- Everyone wants to know what's in my place. His cats, his artwork, his decor.

Speaker 1:
[53:39] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[53:40] What's his bed? What's his bed like?

Speaker 2:
[53:42] I thought this was just a ludicrous one.

Speaker 1:
[53:43] I did.

Speaker 2:
[53:45] What you got in that room?

Speaker 1:
[53:47] I saw your bed, dude. I saw where you slept.

Speaker 4:
[53:50] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[53:50] It was crazy. And Jack G just-

Speaker 4:
[53:53] It was just Nick Rudy. And I was like, all right, I'm going to invite Jack. And he said, he said, sounds great. I'll see you there. What's the address?

Speaker 1:
[54:03] You even got the address?

Speaker 5:
[54:05] All right. All right. I felt really bad because-

Speaker 1:
[54:07] Oh, you were sick?

Speaker 5:
[54:08] No, I-

Speaker 4:
[54:10] Jack, when you agreed, I made my fiance rush to the store to get mini muffins and like fruit snacks because I know you have a weird diet. We had mini muffins for you.

Speaker 1:
[54:24] Do you like mini muffins, Jack?

Speaker 5:
[54:25] I do like mini muffins.

Speaker 1:
[54:26] Do you love mini muffins?

Speaker 5:
[54:27] I love them, but now I feel like even worse because I hate when people like go and do something.

Speaker 1:
[54:31] Well, what were you doing? Were you just in bed when you text him?

Speaker 5:
[54:34] No. So I was at the Cubs game and I was feeling pretty good. And then just kind of got away from me and I was like, all right, I probably shouldn't go to KB's if I'm like a little.

Speaker 1:
[54:42] Yeah, we can't have you drunk at a party.

Speaker 5:
[54:45] Well, it was more that I ran into Eddie and Eddie can attest for my state.

Speaker 1:
[54:51] Were you a mess?

Speaker 4:
[54:52] You were too drunk to come to my party?

Speaker 2:
[54:55] He's too drunk to party.

Speaker 4:
[54:57] We were drunk. We had specialty cocktails and wines.

Speaker 1:
[55:01] His fiance bought us drinkable glitter.

Speaker 4:
[55:04] She made you blue cocktail. A chug jug?

Speaker 2:
[55:09] It kind of looked like a chug jug, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[55:11] What? No.

Speaker 2:
[55:12] It's a Fortnite reference.

Speaker 4:
[55:13] We had blue cocktails for you. It was too sweet for the 30-year-olds. It was for you, Jack.

Speaker 1:
[55:17] It was a bunch of just cups filled with blue that none of us could have. I wanted you to have the blue.

Speaker 5:
[55:25] I feel really bad about it.

Speaker 4:
[55:27] You know, all that blue went down the drain.

Speaker 1:
[55:29] Oh, my God.

Speaker 4:
[55:31] Waking up the next morning and having to pour out all the blue.

Speaker 1:
[55:35] What a fun color. It doesn't belong in a stainless steel sink.

Speaker 5:
[55:38] It belongs in my mouth.

Speaker 1:
[55:40] Yeah, it belongs in your mouth, Jack. It belongs in your mouth. You missed some good conversation, too. We were so late on some, like, drama. We were talking about, you know, the influencer Noah Beck, who was, like, sexually ambiguous. He's in the new Baywatch.

Speaker 4:
[55:54] He's beautiful.

Speaker 1:
[55:55] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[55:57] Oh, he's, like, he might be gay in that type of ambiguous. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[56:01] His sister is a teacher in the LA area, and she was fucking a student, but the student was also fucking another teacher. But the texts leaked, and the student was so mean to her.

Speaker 4:
[56:14] Yeah, he was bullying her. He was bullying her. You leave this feeling horrible for the pedophile. For the pedophile. I'm not lying.

Speaker 1:
[56:26] The way the Internet's taken this, nobody's called her a pedophile. They're just calling her a fat bitch. They're calling her fat and pathetic, because her texts are just like these long drawn out love letters. And then this high school boy's just like, yeah, you could come over, but you have to suck my dick and leave.

Speaker 4:
[56:45] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[56:45] You have to pay me. And she's thanking him.

Speaker 4:
[56:47] Then he's like, your hair looked good today. All right, send me money. She was sending him money to compliment her?

Speaker 1:
[56:55] I guess.

Speaker 2:
[56:57] Calling her fat.

Speaker 1:
[56:58] And it's just like, oh, he was just calling her fat. When somebody who's fucking an underage person, when it gets leaked online, it's a death sense for everybody calling you a pedophile, a sicko, a groomer. She hasn't gotten it once, and it makes me feel bad for her.

Speaker 2:
[57:12] It's created a situation.

Speaker 1:
[57:14] And it's almost like your short situation, where somebody does something bad and they're short, they're just short, and everybody has to say they're short. They don't say the bad thing. I guess fat is kind of short.

Speaker 4:
[57:29] I don't want to compare our situations, I guess.

Speaker 1:
[57:32] Dude, fat is short.

Speaker 2:
[57:34] Dude, I was just dying the idea of a molested bully.

Speaker 4:
[57:39] He's a victim bully.

Speaker 2:
[57:41] Literally, even if other kids are like, hey, what's up, man? Oh yeah, fuck you, dude. You got molested. And he's like, yeah, I got molested better than you did.

Speaker 1:
[57:49] Dude, it's just like he was mean to her as being a molested boy. He was just like, yeah, bitch, hurry up here. Hurry up and get over and rape me and then leave. Yeah. Get over here. Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[58:00] Weren't they cloning on her to come to a party so they could just fuck with her?

Speaker 1:
[58:03] I have no idea.

Speaker 5:
[58:04] Really?

Speaker 1:
[58:05] They pranked her?

Speaker 5:
[58:06] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[58:07] He was like, see, I'm feeling bad for her.

Speaker 4:
[58:09] I feel bad. He's like, I can't fuck your face. I'm in Dago. She's like, Dago? San Diego, bitch. Pick me up from the airport. You dumb bitch. Pick me up from the airport that molests me so I can come on.

Speaker 2:
[58:29] I mean, I pictured this kid even bullying his guidance counselor that's talking to over his therapist. They're like, okay, do you want to open it up? And he's like, shut up. I bet you probably molest me too, fat ass. Then they're like, we got to go to the next one. He just keeps going higher and higher.

Speaker 4:
[58:44] All these pigs at this school fucking molested me.

Speaker 1:
[58:49] When are there going to be some hotter teachers to rape me? But yeah, you missed us talking about dated TikTok drama at the party. Instead, you were drunk at the Cubs game.

Speaker 4:
[58:59] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[59:00] I was maybe the highest I've been in years there.

Speaker 1:
[59:04] Off of a five milligram sip?

Speaker 2:
[59:05] I don't know what happened in my stomach, but it hit me like a freight train. And it was pure panic.

Speaker 1:
[59:11] Again, it was like, when you get to a get together, and it's like couples that have been together for a long time, it almost reverts back to middle school dance, where the boys and girls separate. You again, you were just entertaining the hoes. Every time, you're at the table entertaining the hoes.

Speaker 2:
[59:27] I was saying some stunning shit. I was bringing conversations to a grinding hole.

Speaker 1:
[59:31] Oh my God, I heard it. I heard like there was like the smell of burnt rubber from conversations that you were bringing to a screeching halt.

Speaker 2:
[59:37] I came in like the Kool-Aid man.

Speaker 1:
[59:39] It was insane, I was just looking out your window at the train.

Speaker 4:
[59:42] Right.

Speaker 1:
[59:43] You're right there, but you don't hear it. You exaggerated a bit.

Speaker 4:
[59:45] I did, I lied to sound interesting.

Speaker 1:
[59:47] Oh, okay.

Speaker 4:
[59:48] Yeah, but it is very close.

Speaker 2:
[59:52] The sunset view is amazing. We walked in.

Speaker 1:
[59:54] Yeah, you have a good place.

Speaker 2:
[59:56] Your cat is beautiful.

Speaker 1:
[59:57] And will you ever host ever again?

Speaker 5:
[60:01] I hope to see you one day.

Speaker 4:
[60:03] Also, I heard you're just a notorious flake. You bail on me.

Speaker 1:
[60:07] Oh, yeah, I heard you're a flake.

Speaker 5:
[60:08] Yeah, yeah. What's happened?

Speaker 1:
[60:11] Oh, no. Are you sad? Do you have a reputation?

Speaker 5:
[60:14] I feel really bad.

Speaker 1:
[60:16] Do you have the reputation of being a flake?

Speaker 5:
[60:17] With the Barstool people, yes.

Speaker 1:
[60:19] Okay. Oh, because you know people here.

Speaker 5:
[60:21] Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[60:22] Oh, my God. I would never hang out with Barstool people if I had friends here. Real friends.

Speaker 5:
[60:27] In a little different group, because I have my college friends here and my hometown friends.

Speaker 2:
[60:30] Yeah, we don't have a choice.

Speaker 1:
[60:31] You have Colorado friends here?

Speaker 5:
[60:33] Yeah, we have like 10 person friends.

Speaker 1:
[60:35] Oh, wow. I tried to go to a West Virginia alumni thing, and it was just sad.

Speaker 2:
[60:40] Here?

Speaker 1:
[60:40] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[60:42] At a Chicago bar?

Speaker 1:
[60:42] It was like a northern suburb. There's no bar in Chicago. It's like a seafood restaurant. It's like a Cajun seafood restaurant. I followed it on Facebook, and it's like three people watching the game, and they're like smiling, but they're like profoundly lonely.

Speaker 4:
[60:58] People are yearning for community.

Speaker 1:
[61:00] Yeah. I can't even imagine what a Kent State alumni group here is. Have you tried? You did a Kent State alumni like bar crawl in New York, didn't you?

Speaker 4:
[61:11] I was invited.

Speaker 1:
[61:12] Okay. You didn't go?

Speaker 4:
[61:13] I didn't go. Yeah. I'm a flake too, Jack.

Speaker 1:
[61:16] Oh my God. Me too. Oh, that one's not bad. Where's this? Chicago. Well, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[61:21] You didn't get the invite to that one.

Speaker 1:
[61:22] I didn't get the invite to that one. The one I saw was like a picture of two people. Fuck. I got to go there. That was like a good bar too.

Speaker 4:
[61:29] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[61:30] I would go along with you, Nick, if you wanted some company.

Speaker 1:
[61:32] I don't know if you're reliable enough, man.

Speaker 2:
[61:35] Dude, Piper.

Speaker 1:
[61:37] Your cat's awesome.

Speaker 2:
[61:38] Beautiful.

Speaker 1:
[61:39] It fucked me up for two days though. My eyes felt like sandpaper. What?

Speaker 4:
[61:43] Oh, you're allergic?

Speaker 1:
[61:44] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[61:45] Okay.

Speaker 1:
[61:46] Why?

Speaker 4:
[61:46] Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Speaker 1:
[61:47] I loved your cat. I loved holding your cat. And like, I loved your cat. We would pick it up and he would, she would really, really want to be out of our arms and like meowing and kind of almost hissing. And you're like, no, just hold her tighter.

Speaker 4:
[62:00] That's my favorite thing. Because that's the difference between a dog and a cat. You have true ownership over the cat. So when they, I love when they freak out.

Speaker 1:
[62:09] I have true ownership over my dog.

Speaker 4:
[62:11] Your dog will bite you and then run away.

Speaker 1:
[62:14] Your cat would bite, right?

Speaker 4:
[62:15] Then shit and then eat your food and then tear up your clothes.

Speaker 1:
[62:21] No, that's a cat move.

Speaker 4:
[62:23] Okay. No, but like a cat, like my favorite thing is to trim their nails because they freak the fuck out. They, like borderline go crazy. They have a meltdown and it's so funny.

Speaker 1:
[62:36] Are you like smiling while doing this?

Speaker 4:
[62:37] It's the most amusing thing in the world when they're like.

Speaker 1:
[62:43] We, I want to go see Pinky, but your fiance took me into the bedroom and lifted up the mattress. Yeah. She, how does she get under there?

Speaker 4:
[62:50] She, there's a little, so pinky little crack. Never. She's been coming out of her cage a little bit, but I'm glad you found Piper beautiful.

Speaker 1:
[63:01] Stunning cat.

Speaker 4:
[63:01] Because everyone is like, oh, it's just because it's my pet and I have this emotional bond that I think she's attractive.

Speaker 2:
[63:09] No, she's like.

Speaker 1:
[63:10] It is like Vanta Black with lime green eyes.

Speaker 2:
[63:12] The lime green eyes, like pure black.

Speaker 4:
[63:14] Are you just saying this? I'm not. Because I think this, but then I like, she's just like every other black cat. It is sleek.

Speaker 2:
[63:21] I was scaring everyone at the party. I was like, look at this cat's eyes, and they were like, yeah, we see the eyes.

Speaker 1:
[63:25] Sleek, flawless, piercing gaze, and usually a black cat usually have like a pink spot on the nose, just black.

Speaker 4:
[63:32] I can't, but I still can't tell. Are you guys like being Facebook relatives saying, oh, what a heartbreaker you have?

Speaker 1:
[63:37] No, no, no.

Speaker 2:
[63:38] This is a real...

Speaker 4:
[63:39] You think my cat's beautiful.

Speaker 1:
[63:41] I think your cat is stunning.

Speaker 2:
[63:43] Jade eyes, and it's pure black. It was like the blackest black, and it was shiny.

Speaker 1:
[63:47] It's closer to art than pet.

Speaker 4:
[63:50] Oh my God, boys. Because I always think this sometimes, but then I'm like, no. It's like, why is my cat special? My cat's just a diamond dozen.

Speaker 1:
[64:03] It's one of one.

Speaker 4:
[64:04] No.

Speaker 1:
[64:04] One of one.

Speaker 4:
[64:05] Looks like every other black cat.

Speaker 1:
[64:06] No, man. I'm telling you. No, no, no.

Speaker 2:
[64:08] I've seen other black cats.

Speaker 4:
[64:09] Ears are disproportionately big. Borderline ugly, you probably think.

Speaker 2:
[64:12] No, dude. I'm telling you right now, that cat is sexy.

Speaker 1:
[64:15] You fishing for your cat is so gay. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[64:19] So...

Speaker 4:
[64:20] That is gay.

Speaker 1:
[64:22] No, no. No, I would love to...

Speaker 4:
[64:25] Where did your doctor get a Capri Sun, let alone a Pokemon themed?

Speaker 1:
[64:29] I don't know. They went out of the room and I was like kind of just out of it. I was like in the coldest sweat drenched. And it was also from Pokemon ZA Legends. So I don't know when that game came out. So I think it was an old Capri Sun. Yeah. It was from Pokemon ZA Legends and scurried back in and got me that. And got me a dumb dumb cream soda dumb dumb. She asked what flavor I specified. I'd like the cream soda.

Speaker 2:
[64:56] It's a vintage. It's a vintage Capri Sun.

Speaker 1:
[64:58] It was a vintage Capri Sun and then an alcohol wipe. And she just like held it under my nose as I was like arising. So she was like, just smell the alcohol. And it was just so humiliating. It was so humiliating.

Speaker 2:
[65:10] Did they do they still do the balls thing?

Speaker 1:
[65:12] No balls.

Speaker 4:
[65:13] Everyone's complaining about it.

Speaker 1:
[65:15] Nobody's doing balls. They asked, they were like, are you like any lumps on the balls? And I just said, no, right. Because I don't think I do. But no, I just just blood work. The depression screening was lax. She was just like, do you feel dread? And I said, sometimes. And that was it.

Speaker 4:
[65:35] I feel like a lot of those questionnaires. Yeah, they're bullshit.

Speaker 1:
[65:38] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[65:40] I haven't even got I got to do that. I haven't gone to the doctor in five years.

Speaker 1:
[65:43] This was four years for me. And I kind of I didn't get shamed for it. They were pretty excited that I was back. It felt good.

Speaker 2:
[65:50] Like they've been waiting for you.

Speaker 1:
[65:51] There's like, hell, yeah, you this you did a good the good thing. And that's all I needed. I thought I was going to go and get shamed.

Speaker 2:
[65:56] This is a pediatrician.

Speaker 1:
[65:58] It might be.

Speaker 4:
[65:58] They don't care. No, they're like they're the it's the same as like someone who works at Jersey Mikes and you come in and get a sandwich. Yeah, that's how they feel about you.

Speaker 1:
[66:09] I did like I'm so used to like giving my maladies to ChatGPT, who tells me it's nothing and calms me down, that it was kind of jarring that like because I went because I've been dizzy a lot. And I was like, could this be cancer? She's like, yeah. I was like, God damn it. But now I have a ton of fluid in my ear. Dislodge my ear crystals.

Speaker 2:
[66:31] What?

Speaker 1:
[66:31] Yeah, you have your crystal. My crystals are all out of whack. Both my ears filled with fluid. I'm a two a day tipper. So I don't know if I like I'm Q tipping too much. And that's what did it.

Speaker 2:
[66:43] See, a smart doctor.

Speaker 4:
[66:45] I'm addicted to.

Speaker 1:
[66:46] It's the best feeling in the world.

Speaker 2:
[66:47] It is nice.

Speaker 1:
[66:47] Oh, dude. Wake up in the morning, have a coffee, a Lucy, double spray of Flonase and Q tip your ears. Oh my God. If that was like a religion promised heaven, I would convert to that because that is the best combination of feelings that you could do in the morning.

Speaker 4:
[67:06] What about also like real drugs?

Speaker 1:
[67:08] Yeah. Those are awesome. I mean, those are good. I saw a comment on our last podcast. It was just like, I can't, I can never tell who's on weed and off weed on this show because we're always just either doing it every day or quitting it and an anti.

Speaker 4:
[67:21] That's the rest of my life.

Speaker 1:
[67:22] Yeah. What are you right now?

Speaker 4:
[67:24] I just got back on it after a little streak off of it.

Speaker 1:
[67:29] I switched over to Flora Margaritas.

Speaker 4:
[67:32] You're on the canned stuff.

Speaker 1:
[67:33] I'm on the canned stuff.

Speaker 2:
[67:34] You got me on the canned stuff.

Speaker 1:
[67:36] The one I gave you, you said it best. It tastes like if a cherry was also a battery.

Speaker 2:
[67:42] Yeah. It tastes like cherry batteries. It's really quite not good. But yeah. The worst thing that could happen for you at the doctor is you go there and everything's tip-top shape, clean bill health. That would drive you insane.

Speaker 1:
[67:52] That would ruin me because I never feel right.

Speaker 2:
[67:56] Yeah. A smart doctor for you would tell you that there's something wrong with your cuticles or ear crystals.

Speaker 1:
[68:02] Ear crystals was the best thing I could have ever heard because I didn't know I had them.

Speaker 2:
[68:05] Because now you go down a rabbit hole.

Speaker 5:
[68:08] Did you guys do anything for 420? No.

Speaker 2:
[68:14] I drank weed.

Speaker 1:
[68:15] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[68:16] We drank weed.

Speaker 1:
[68:18] I guess that's it. What? Did you do anything crazy?

Speaker 5:
[68:20] No. But back in the day at Boulder, one year we had all these weird stoner guys that collect bongs. They all brought them into our fraternity house and they just were admiring them walking around. We had over $100,000 of glass in our house.

Speaker 2:
[68:35] Dude, some of the glass bong guys in Denver are banksy.

Speaker 5:
[68:39] Really?

Speaker 2:
[68:40] They make puffer fish.

Speaker 5:
[68:41] Collectors?

Speaker 2:
[68:42] Yeah. They go crazy. Dude, 420 in Boulder.

Speaker 1:
[68:44] Parafinalia is, I think, pretty whack.

Speaker 4:
[68:46] Yeah, dude. We just want to get high. It's not like I don't want a collectibles hot.

Speaker 1:
[68:52] Did you see the guy that made the dragon head that you wear to smoke weed?

Speaker 2:
[68:58] No.

Speaker 1:
[68:59] He blew a glass dragon head that he puts on. And it's at a glass convention, which I would love to go to and see the artistry there.

Speaker 2:
[69:08] I mean, they do look cool, but it's just impossible to smoke it out of. Yeah, it's that guy.

Speaker 1:
[69:11] There's no left. You put it on your whole fucking face, and it just turns you into a dragon.

Speaker 4:
[69:18] That's a guy. He likes making dragon heads.

Speaker 1:
[69:21] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[69:22] He doesn't care about weed. No.

Speaker 2:
[69:25] But yeah, 420 in Boulder seems like the best day ever, and it's just not fun.

Speaker 1:
[69:30] No, it doesn't. It seems like the worst day ever.

Speaker 2:
[69:32] When you're a kid, though, like, oh, we're going to go to the quad and smoke weed, and then you end up just like sitting on a blanket.

Speaker 1:
[69:38] Paranoid.

Speaker 2:
[69:38] Trying to remember if the piece of cheese over there is the one you took a bite of. And then, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[69:43] Do I have a hat on right now or not? What clothes am I wearing?

Speaker 1:
[69:48] I didn't want anybody to.

Speaker 4:
[69:49] Is there something on my neck or?

Speaker 1:
[69:52] I didn't want anybody to catch me fake inhaling. I was afraid of that.

Speaker 2:
[69:56] Dude, I had that at your place. When I walked in, I was so fucking high that, like, I was like, I got to take my jacket off.

Speaker 1:
[70:02] I'm warm.

Speaker 2:
[70:02] And then I saw my reflection, and I was like, God, I look like a fucking whale. And so then I had to put the jacket back on.

Speaker 1:
[70:07] You felt fat at Kyle's?

Speaker 2:
[70:09] Yes, high fat. And then my girlfriend was like, Why did you put your jacket back on? And I was like, I had to say, well, I was chilly.

Speaker 1:
[70:17] You had to tell your girlfriend that you were chilly?

Speaker 2:
[70:19] Which is only slightly better than being like...

Speaker 1:
[70:20] It was a perfect temperature in the home.

Speaker 2:
[70:22] I look fat.

Speaker 1:
[70:22] Another great temperature in the place.

Speaker 4:
[70:25] Oh yeah, thank you. Yeah, that's big for us. Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 1:
[70:29] I did make the mistake of... I was almost a little sexist. I saw a bunch of NCAA trophies in the living room. And I was like, Kyle, I didn't know you had these. I forgot that chicks could too.

Speaker 4:
[70:42] My fiancee had... Yeah, they can win.

Speaker 1:
[70:44] They can win. She had those and rings.

Speaker 4:
[70:45] They can win titles. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[70:47] And then, I didn't see any memorabilia of you. You had a Globe that I got you set up.

Speaker 4:
[70:51] That was nice too.

Speaker 1:
[70:52] But I do feel like you guys took that out of the closet and put that in the living room right before I got there.

Speaker 4:
[70:57] Finding that, going back to my old apartment to get that from the storage room. I was like, I need to plot Nick's gift to me.

Speaker 1:
[71:07] Yeah, you had a scramble. You were like, the party was at 7, then you pushed it to 730 because the Globe wasn't assembled that I got you six months ago.

Speaker 2:
[71:16] Yeah, it was a good time.

Speaker 1:
[71:17] It was.

Speaker 5:
[71:18] I drank way too much Jameson. I think that was a problem.

Speaker 1:
[71:20] That would have to be it. All the JMo. What?

Speaker 4:
[71:24] I get it.

Speaker 1:
[71:25] Did you have scaries? Like, were you drunk in front of Eddie?

Speaker 5:
[71:28] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[71:29] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[71:29] I was rinsed.

Speaker 4:
[71:31] You were rinsed.

Speaker 1:
[71:32] I would love to see it.

Speaker 5:
[71:33] Yeah, Sunday morning was a tough wake up for sure, but made it through.

Speaker 1:
[71:39] I had three drinks at yours and got a tummy ache. It was a good time.

Speaker 4:
[71:47] That's like the best case scenario. Get three in you, get a little sick, drink some weed.

Speaker 1:
[71:55] And then get un-sick and not feel the high, and then go to bed.

Speaker 4:
[71:58] Watch a horrible television show and kind of like it.

Speaker 1:
[72:03] Yeah, I've been watching a really, really grim one of this Mormon dude, this fundamentalist Mormon, who married 12-year-olds. And the cops just won't arrest him because there's no, and I guess it's legal, you could marry a 12-year-old as long as you're not sleeping with them. So it's like they're undercover trying to find proof. And it's really dark and a horrible watch.

Speaker 2:
[72:23] So he's signing them like they're college commitments.

Speaker 1:
[72:26] Dude, it's crazy. He convinced all his boys that he was a prophet and to give them his wives and daughters. So these other guys gave up their daughters and were so stoked to do it.

Speaker 2:
[72:38] That's one thing I like with these cult guys, like they convince people of things that I can never even begin to think was possible.

Speaker 1:
[72:45] I think what you have to do is find the most vulnerable of people.

Speaker 4:
[72:48] And that's what happens with cults. And people who just want something out of life.

Speaker 1:
[72:52] And I do think you kind of have to believe you're God. You have to believe that you are something special, a prophet or God, or else I don't think it's convincing enough.

Speaker 2:
[72:58] Yeah, like the Waco guy, when I watched that, that guy definitely thought he was the Messiah.

Speaker 1:
[73:04] Did he actually?

Speaker 2:
[73:05] Yeah, you could tell what he was saying. He's like, this is true and real. You got to really believe it.

Speaker 1:
[73:10] I just don't know why I take substances to feel good, and then I just put myself in situations to watch depressing, horrible shit about child marriage. It's counteractive.

Speaker 4:
[73:21] It's your biology. It wants to feel.

Speaker 1:
[73:23] Really?

Speaker 4:
[73:24] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[73:25] Damn.

Speaker 5:
[73:27] You think we could go undercover in occult, us four?

Speaker 1:
[73:32] I would... I'm too much of a follower of a sheep, and I would just listen. I would let them tell me what to do.

Speaker 2:
[73:37] You'd be good at it.

Speaker 1:
[73:38] No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2:
[73:39] You could go undercover, though.

Speaker 1:
[73:40] Dude, no, when I first started at Barstool, there were some dudes that like, I like, just bossed me around that were like, interns. Like, I'm very malleable as a man.

Speaker 2:
[73:50] Yeah, that's why you'd be perfect for undercover at a cold.

Speaker 1:
[73:52] But no, I think I would just feel, no, no, no, I would probably just, I'd be bad, I'd just join.

Speaker 2:
[73:57] I'd probably annoy him.

Speaker 1:
[73:58] I would just join.

Speaker 4:
[73:59] You're gonna like, but you'll, you put yourself through social hell.

Speaker 1:
[74:06] Yeah, I do. You see my patience sometimes.

Speaker 4:
[74:08] Instead of being like, I'm not interested in what you're talking about.

Speaker 1:
[74:12] Oh yeah.

Speaker 4:
[74:13] You become, you convince the person that you're obsessed with what they're talking about.

Speaker 1:
[74:18] But like, I don't, I know how it feels to like things that suck. And so when I tell people about stuff and they're uninterested, it feels like shit.

Speaker 4:
[74:29] I know it's a good trait, but then it can get too far.

Speaker 1:
[74:33] It can. And like, I could wind up like going to events.

Speaker 2:
[74:37] You swoon dudes like I know one I've ever seen.

Speaker 4:
[74:39] He does.

Speaker 2:
[74:40] You really do.

Speaker 1:
[74:42] I think that's a compliment, but also not because I'm also, I think dudes naturally don't like dudes that they view as a threat. And I think I'm like the least threat of a man. And I think they just know.

Speaker 4:
[74:59] It's actually like a superpower.

Speaker 1:
[75:00] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[75:01] You become that you become a warmer, better version of the person you're talking to.

Speaker 1:
[75:07] I take on their traits.

Speaker 4:
[75:08] You take on their traits, but you're with more tact of wisdom and warmth and...

Speaker 1:
[75:14] I'm glad that there are people in here that come to me for advice.

Speaker 4:
[75:17] When people talk to you, they're like, oh, I'm talking to what I want me to be.

Speaker 1:
[75:22] Wow.

Speaker 4:
[75:23] That's... A more well-spoken version of myself.

Speaker 1:
[75:27] I love that. And I'm honored to be that.

Speaker 4:
[75:30] You could use that to manipulate and destroy and conquer.

Speaker 2:
[75:33] Oh, my God. You're really good.

Speaker 1:
[75:36] But how would I even begin to do that?

Speaker 2:
[75:39] Well, you already sort of laid the groundwork, but one of your moves I've noticed is you love giving them tasks.

Speaker 1:
[75:44] I am a task giver.

Speaker 2:
[75:45] Someone expresses an interest in something, and then you know a lot of things.

Speaker 1:
[75:49] I'll hit them with a, well, how about this?

Speaker 2:
[75:51] And then you're like, bring me this. And then they start kicking their feet, and they're like, okay.

Speaker 1:
[75:55] Okay. So, yeah, maybe I can get it going.

Speaker 4:
[75:57] Now I have a purpose.

Speaker 1:
[75:59] Okay. Maybe I'll try. Maybe. Anything else? We have... We started doing the most. I'm excited for that one. I think it's going to be our best one. Rudy is now streaming in here. Watch that. We have Rediscovering coming up in... next month?

Speaker 4:
[76:18] Yep. The end of May.

Speaker 2:
[76:19] Have you said where it is?

Speaker 1:
[76:21] No, but it's for America's 250th birthday.

Speaker 2:
[76:25] Sick.

Speaker 1:
[76:26] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[76:28] So...

Speaker 4:
[76:28] Yeah, yeah, we're excited.

Speaker 1:
[76:29] Yeah. We're going to try to go to some historical stuff.

Speaker 2:
[76:33] Excited to see KB's outfit.

Speaker 4:
[76:35] It'll be cute.

Speaker 2:
[76:35] Whatever it is.

Speaker 1:
[76:37] Are we still doing outfits?

Speaker 4:
[76:38] We're probably going to do outfits.

Speaker 1:
[76:40] Yeah. I feared. I feared that. I think Kyle's Betsy Ross.

Speaker 4:
[76:48] I'm not fucking Betsy Ross.

Speaker 2:
[76:50] You're going to be such a good Betsy Ross.

Speaker 4:
[76:54] I'm bigger than Oprah.

Speaker 1:
[76:56] By how much?

Speaker 4:
[76:58] She's 5'6, 160.

Speaker 1:
[77:01] And what are you?

Speaker 4:
[77:02] 5'6, and a half, 165.

Speaker 1:
[77:06] Dude, if you get the flu once and take off your shoes, you're Oprah.

Speaker 4:
[77:10] But bigger than Oprah just sounds like a milestone for size. Sounds like how a rapper would describe a blunt.

Speaker 1:
[77:16] Bigger than Oprah.

Speaker 4:
[77:19] Sadder than Oprah.

Speaker 1:
[77:20] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[77:20] I'm smoking on Oprah fingers.

Speaker 1:
[77:22] So can I ask you this? When you find a person, do you always go check their size to see if you're larger?

Speaker 4:
[77:32] A lot. I know a lot of celebrity tights, I guess.

Speaker 1:
[77:36] What's your what's your exact celeb comparison? Who are you?

Speaker 4:
[77:41] Brie Larson.

Speaker 1:
[77:45] Yeah, you are. You're exactly Brie Larson. Oh man. All right. God bless.