transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Hey, it's Gary. Before we get started, two quick things. First, stick around through the end credits of this episode because we have a post-credit scene. Yes, just like the Marvel movies, only better. And second, you may start hearing ads on the show. After self-funding See You in Hell for the first three months, I now need it to start earning its keep. If you want to help support the show so I can keep making it, go to patreon.com/see you in hell. For just $5 a month, you get the show ad free, and sometimes even early, and there are additional tiers that get you bonus content, exclusive show news, and you can even be a quote unquote executive producer, patreon.com/see you in hell for more details. And now on with the show. Previously on See You in Hell.

Speaker 2:
[00:39] You can call off the actor search. I found our lead, Ben fucking Affleck.

Speaker 3:
[00:44] Dan can have his potato show. I'm going back to my Florence Nightingale movie.

Speaker 4:
[00:48] Emmy Sunday. Y'all good?

Speaker 2:
[00:50] Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Speaker 4:
[00:51] Well, you know how you get when you're up on stage in front of a big audience.

Speaker 2:
[00:54] Absolutely nothing is going to go wrong. First of all, I would like to thank, you know what? There's nobody I can think of that I would like to thank more than myself because nobody got me here but me. And that is in spite of all of the pricks in this room who have fucked me over or held me back over the years. Whoa, hey, who the fuck are you?

Speaker 1:
[01:08] Hey, get off me! Hey, don't fucking touch me!

Speaker 2:
[01:10] Do you know who the fuck I am?

Speaker 1:
[01:14] Chapter one. One does not simply pause an online game.

Speaker 4:
[01:19] Come the fuck on.

Speaker 3:
[01:21] How did that even hit me? This is such fucking bullshit. Fuck this game.

Speaker 5:
[01:29] Kevin?

Speaker 3:
[01:29] Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 5:
[01:30] You fucking die, asshole.

Speaker 3:
[01:32] Sorry. Sorry. Not you.

Speaker 6:
[01:34] Is this a bad time or what?

Speaker 3:
[01:36] You ever play Call of Duty?

Speaker 6:
[01:37] Play it, man. Me and Muse are in it. Want me to get you code for our skins? You can play J and Silent Bob or Blunt Man and Chronic.

Speaker 3:
[01:45] Yeah, thanks. I'm good.

Speaker 6:
[01:46] I have to say it like that. Can you pause that so we can talk?

Speaker 3:
[01:49] Well, it's an online game, so no. And it's ranked, so double no.

Speaker 6:
[01:55] Why?

Speaker 3:
[01:55] What's up?

Speaker 6:
[01:56] Well, I'm worried about Dan. Shit. Hold on.

Speaker 3:
[02:02] I was about to rage quit anyways. Tired of getting my ass kicked by a bunch of teenagers with nothing better to do all day. What's going on?

Speaker 6:
[02:08] Have you spoken to Dan since the Emmys?

Speaker 3:
[02:10] No. Why?

Speaker 6:
[02:11] He's not picking up, man. He's not answering my texts either. I spoke to his agent and he hasn't been able to reach him. So I'm worried because, you know, that whole shit show with the speech was kind of cringe.

Speaker 3:
[02:22] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[02:23] I mean, you know him better than me. How does he usually deal with like a big yoga hosers type setback?

Speaker 3:
[02:30] Honestly, not well. The first season of West Palm before it really blew up, there was a rumor that Netflix was going to can it, and Dan locked himself in the bathroom with his iPad and a 48-pack of ding-dongs from Costco and he didn't come out for two days. That was when he thought something bad might happen.

Speaker 6:
[02:46] Oh, man. I'm thinking I should go check on him, but I don't have his new address, man. Do you have it?

Speaker 3:
[02:52] Uh, yeah. I'll text it to you and I'll meet you over there, okay? Now you got me worried.

Speaker 1:
[02:58] Chapter Two. The Bellingham Intervention.

Speaker 6:
[03:05] Seems like a nice place.

Speaker 3:
[03:06] Yeah, it's all divorced dads and other midlife crisis fuckups who think a flashy apartment and a Porsche are gonna make them a hot commodity to a woman half their age. Fucking idiots. No wonder Dan likes it. It's right up here. Charlie?

Speaker 7:
[03:20] Hey, Gayle.

Speaker 3:
[03:21] What are you doing here?

Speaker 7:
[03:22] Ah, I'm guessing the same thing as you. Dan's falling off the grid. And so I think the, the Emmys thing hit him pretty hard.

Speaker 6:
[03:29] What? You're Charlie Kaufman?

Speaker 7:
[03:31] Ah, as much as I prefer not to be, yes.

Speaker 6:
[03:34] Wow, man, Malkovich blew my fucking mind. We still quote that movie, Malkatraz, man. Big fan, huge fan. I'm Kevin, Kevin Smith, mall rats, Kevin Smith, Kevin Dogma Smith, Jay, Jane, Silent Bop, Snoochie Boochie. None of this is ringing a bell.

Speaker 7:
[03:53] Oh yeah. The dick and fart jokes, right?

Speaker 6:
[03:57] Well, I mean, yes, but like there's more to it than that.

Speaker 7:
[04:01] How exactly is there more to it?

Speaker 6:
[04:03] Well, Chuck, chasing Amy is basically eternal sunshine without all the pretension. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 7:
[04:09] Pretension? I think you mean subtext.

Speaker 6:
[04:12] Oh, you want to talk to me about sub-

Speaker 3:
[04:13] Hey guys, guys, maybe we do this another time. Remember why we're here? Dan?

Speaker 7:
[04:20] Right.

Speaker 3:
[04:21] Did you knock yet?

Speaker 7:
[04:21] Yeah, I just tried. No answer, but I know he's in there. I mean, I can hear him moving around. Here, let me try again.

Speaker 6:
[04:28] Oh my God. That's how you knock. Get your fucking limp spaghetti noodle wrist out of there. I'll take care of the knocking. Dan, open the door, man. It's Kevin. And I got Gayle and Chuck Kaufman out here with me. Come on out here, man. Dan, I swear to God, if you don't open this door, I will take a shit right here on the mat. Don't think I won't do it.

Speaker 1:
[04:52] Hey, hey, you want to try keeping the fucking noise down out here, people?

Speaker 2:
[04:55] Oh shit, you're Kevin Smith.

Speaker 1:
[04:57] Snoochie boochies.

Speaker 6:
[04:59] Snoochie boochies right back at you, man.

Speaker 1:
[05:01] Hey, you want to come inside and smoke a bowl?

Speaker 6:
[05:03] Uh, more than life itself, but right now we're in the middle of something here, so maybe later?

Speaker 1:
[05:08] Because I got this awesome new kush that will totally-

Speaker 5:
[05:10] Dude, read the room.

Speaker 2:
[05:12] Oh, oh, okay, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 1:
[05:14] Ring check. Snoogans.

Speaker 6:
[05:18] Holy shit, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 7:
[05:19] That sounded like a body hitting the floor.

Speaker 3:
[05:21] Shit. Kevin, take the door.

Speaker 6:
[05:23] Take the door? Who do you think I am, John Wick? Back in the day, man, when I was much bigger, fuck, I could have took this shit like fucking Ram Man. Dang, I'm 56 years old. I will bust a hip taking the door.

Speaker 3:
[05:36] Okay, Charlie, how about, you know what, actually, forget it, just move, move, move out of the way. Ow, fuck, that hurt. They really make this look easy in the movies.

Speaker 7:
[05:46] And you see, you gotta really put your shoulder into it.

Speaker 3:
[05:49] Thanks, Charlie. One, two, three.

Speaker 2:
[05:59] What the fuck?

Speaker 7:
[06:00] Dan, we've been hammering on the door.

Speaker 6:
[06:02] Well, I was hammering. I don't know what you were doing.

Speaker 3:
[06:06] Does anybody want to help me up? Why weren't you answering?

Speaker 2:
[06:12] I didn't even know you were out here. I had noise canceling in. Come on in, I guess. What is this all about?

Speaker 3:
[06:21] What was that thud we heard?

Speaker 2:
[06:23] I was trying to move the bubble hockey machine.

Speaker 6:
[06:25] Holy fuck, is this a Superchex Pro?

Speaker 2:
[06:27] It is, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[06:29] That is badass, man. I always wanted one of these. You want to go right now? I'll kick your ass for you.

Speaker 2:
[06:35] Maybe later.

Speaker 3:
[06:36] Why haven't you been answering the phone? You got everybody worried.

Speaker 2:
[06:39] Not exactly in the mood to talk to people right now.

Speaker 7:
[06:41] Let me guess, Emmys?

Speaker 2:
[06:43] No, the Sports Illustrated football phone I ordered off of eBay never showed up. Of course, the fucking Emmys. Did you think the thud was me? You thought that I...

Speaker 3:
[06:51] Is it really such a stretch? Remember when you thought West Palm was going to get canceled? The 48 ding-dongs?

Speaker 7:
[06:58] Wait, what's this?

Speaker 2:
[06:59] It's none of your business is what it is. For the record, I only ate half of the ding-dongs.

Speaker 6:
[07:03] Hey, man, not for nothing, but I've been exactly where you are. Well, like, kind of. That year at Sundance, when I did the red state speech, we told everyone, we're gonna auction the movie right there in the room, sell it to the highest bidder. So the place was packed with movers and shakers of people who could buy it. And then when everybody, you know, watched the flick, and I got up there and everyone was waiting for the auction, we just did a fake auction. I literally sold it to myself for $20. And then I proceeded to lecture the entire audience on the high cost of movie marketing for 20 minutes straight. I was very unpopular, Dan. I got yelled at by Harvey Weinstein, but that aged incredibly well.

Speaker 2:
[07:42] Yeah, well, you never actually got fucking canceled over that. Did you see what they said over at Deadline? They said it was like watching the slap in slow motion.

Speaker 3:
[07:50] Okay, Dan, you've had a couple of weeks to feel sorry for yourself, but now it's time to get back on the horse.

Speaker 6:
[07:56] Gayle's absolutely right, Dan. You always got to remember the words of the good King Randor man when he said, when you fall, that's your chance to stand tall.

Speaker 2:
[08:03] Dude, did you seriously just give me a pep talk from Masters of the Fucking Universe?

Speaker 7:
[08:07] Hey, it worked for Prince Adam. It can work for you.

Speaker 6:
[08:09] Fucking A-Right. Chuckles, well done.

Speaker 2:
[08:11] Look, the concern, well, very much appreciated, is not warranted. I actually got some really good news today, so believe me, I am fine.

Speaker 7:
[08:19] Really? Because you're displaying all the telltale signs of depression. You're rejecting social contact. You're obviously not taking care of yourself. I mean, look at this place.

Speaker 2:
[08:26] What's wrong with it?

Speaker 3:
[08:27] Yeah, this is how it usually looks.

Speaker 2:
[08:29] Okay, it's time to go. Come on. I got shit to do. Actually, Gayle, you stick around for a minute.

Speaker 3:
[08:36] Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2:
[08:37] Kevin, Charlie, I love you. Thank you. I forgive you. Please forgive me. Fuck off.

Speaker 6:
[08:41] Fair enough, man, but you better believe I'm going to hand your ass to you on that Superchex another time. Chuckles, man, you want to split away, Moe? What?

Speaker 7:
[08:49] You think I have that kind of money?

Speaker 3:
[08:53] What's up?

Speaker 2:
[08:54] You said that everyone's been worried about me. Is that really true?

Speaker 3:
[08:57] What do you mean?

Speaker 2:
[08:58] I mean, I've gotten a dozen calls and texts each from Charlie and Kevin and Patrick over the past week, and Liz, nothing from you. Have you been worried about me, or have you just been playing video games?

Speaker 3:
[09:09] Uh, first of all, no, I have not been playing video games. And second, what if I was? Kevin and Charlie are your friends, you know? I mean, in case you've forgotten, we are not friends, and we don't know each other shit.

Speaker 2:
[09:24] So what are you doing here?

Speaker 3:
[09:26] I had to bring Kevin, because he didn't know where you lived since you moved out.

Speaker 2:
[09:30] You didn't have to come? Why didn't you just give him the address?

Speaker 3:
[09:33] Because I, well, because I... Okay, look, let's just agree that I went above and beyond because I am awesome, and let's just move on. Was there anything else?

Speaker 2:
[09:45] Yeah, there was actually something that's been on my mind, the mix up with the meds at the Emmys. Is that really an accident?

Speaker 3:
[09:52] What do you mean?

Speaker 2:
[09:53] You're the one who said that all bets are off, that past a certain point, all of your limits go away, slipping me something so that I embarrassed myself in front of literally everyone in the business. I don't know, it just seems like something you might do.

Speaker 1:
[10:04] Wow! Wow!

Speaker 3:
[10:06] What must you think of me?

Speaker 2:
[10:08] You really don't want to know.

Speaker 3:
[10:09] It was an accident, all right? I had the Xanax and the Concerta both in my bag, the bottles, they look alike, you know, the pills look alike.

Speaker 2:
[10:17] The pills do not look that much alike.

Speaker 3:
[10:20] Jesus, you really think I did this?

Speaker 2:
[10:24] I don't know what to think.

Speaker 3:
[10:25] Well, I didn't. You can believe me or not, I don't care. But I'm not a fucking monster, Dan.

Speaker 2:
[10:31] I know you're not. You're right. I'm sorry, I don't have my head on straight right now.

Speaker 3:
[10:36] Are you sure you're okay?

Speaker 2:
[10:38] I'm sure I will be.

Speaker 8:
[10:40] What's your good news?

Speaker 2:
[10:41] What?

Speaker 8:
[10:42] You said you had good news.

Speaker 2:
[10:43] Oh, oh yeah. Um, I don't know if I want to tell you about it.

Speaker 3:
[10:47] Is this about the potato show?

Speaker 2:
[10:48] I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say that I won't be hunting for any goodwill on that project anytime soon.

Speaker 3:
[10:55] Oh, okay. That's cool.

Speaker 2:
[10:57] Wait, what was that reaction?

Speaker 3:
[10:58] What? All I said was, that's cool.

Speaker 2:
[11:00] Yeah, but you said it in a weird way and you made that weird face.

Speaker 3:
[11:03] No, I didn't.

Speaker 2:
[11:04] No, you absolutely did.

Speaker 3:
[11:05] Okay. I actually don't have time for this right now. So, good luck with your potato... Whatever. I don't even care. I'm out.

Speaker 2:
[11:11] One more thing before you go. What? Is it weird that Charlie's in The Masters of the Universe?

Speaker 3:
[11:15] Oh, yeah. That is weird.

Speaker 1:
[11:19] Chapter 3, The Big One.

Speaker 5:
[11:24] You must be psychic. I was literally just about to call you. I have amazing news.

Speaker 3:
[11:29] Can we do mine first?

Speaker 5:
[11:31] You have amazing news, too? No.

Speaker 3:
[11:34] I really need to ask you something.

Speaker 5:
[11:35] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[11:36] Do you think I gave Dan my ADHD meds at the MA's on purpose?

Speaker 5:
[11:41] Why do you ask?

Speaker 3:
[11:43] Because at the time, you kind of insinuated that I did.

Speaker 5:
[11:47] Sure. But then you told me it was an accident and I believed you.

Speaker 3:
[11:50] See, that's the thing. I'm not so sure I believe me. I know I didn't mean to do it, but what if I subconsciously did? I've been so mad at him over the potato show, I told him the gloves were off. How does anybody really know what they're capable of?

Speaker 5:
[12:05] Look, you might come off to other people as a teeny tiny bit of a bitch, but I know you and I know that deep down, you're a good person.

Speaker 3:
[12:13] Who says I come off as a bitch?

Speaker 5:
[12:15] Everybody does, but that's only because you're not afraid to stand up for yourself, put the exact same Gayle in a man's body, and suddenly you're not a bitch, you're a badass.

Speaker 3:
[12:24] Yeah, I mean, I am a badass. That is correct.

Speaker 5:
[12:28] I'm just saying, to actually do something like spiking his drink so he'd self-destruct on live television, you'd have to be some kind of monster.

Speaker 3:
[12:37] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[12:38] Let me ask you something. Put aside whether you did it deliberately or not, are you glad it happened? Because that will tell you what kind of person you really are.

Speaker 3:
[12:47] Am I glad it happened?

Speaker 5:
[12:50] You hate his guts. You've said countless times how much you'd love to see him crash and burn. Now you got what you wanted, so ask yourself, how do you feel about that? Are you happy Dan got hurt?

Speaker 3:
[13:01] I'm not enjoying this conversation anymore.

Speaker 5:
[13:04] Well, you're going to enjoy this next part. Quit beating yourself up and prepare yourself for this amazing news I have for you.

Speaker 3:
[13:11] Okay. I'm prepared.

Speaker 5:
[13:13] Warner Brothers called me today. Remember the Florence Nightingale meeting with David Zaslav?

Speaker 3:
[13:17] I am trying not to.

Speaker 5:
[13:20] You are not going to believe this. Zaslav has been raving about that meeting ever since he loves you.

Speaker 3:
[13:26] I'm sorry, are we talking about the same meeting where I told him to go fuck himself and I threw a plastic penis at him?

Speaker 5:
[13:32] Yes, and that is why he loves you. Do you know how many people have told David Zaslav to go fuck himself in the last 20 years? You, that's it. He's surrounded by nothing but ass kissers all day long. He thought you were a breath of fresh air.

Speaker 3:
[13:46] Uh, all right. So what does that mean?

Speaker 5:
[13:49] It means he's going to make your movie. I already have an offer on the script that's going to make your eyes pop out, progress to production language, and they're even going to make a separate offer for you to direct.

Speaker 3:
[14:00] Holy fucking shit.

Speaker 5:
[14:01] Indeed.

Speaker 3:
[14:02] They seriously want me to direct? I mean, I've only really ever directed a couple episodes of West Palm, and they're not anybody's favorites.

Speaker 5:
[14:09] Zaslav doesn't care. He said for a movie about a woman standing up for what she believes in, in the face of stuffy old men, he couldn't think of anyone better. Wow.

Speaker 3:
[14:17] Just wow.

Speaker 5:
[14:18] I know, right? This business still has the capacity to surprise you.

Speaker 3:
[14:23] Is this what it's like to feel excited about something? Because I'm pretty sure I have forgotten.

Speaker 5:
[14:28] Enjoy this moment. Honestly, I think this is it. This is the big one. Co-creator of the biggest TV show of all time, and writer-director of a prestige film, potentially an Oscar-winning film. You'd be a legend.

Speaker 3:
[14:41] Okay, all right. Let's not get carried away. Do you think I could win an Oscar, though? I do have a place for it in the house.

Speaker 5:
[14:49] Okay, I think we're done here.

Speaker 1:
[14:53] Chapter Four, Max Fucking Landis.

Speaker 3:
[14:58] Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 4:
[14:59] Hey, buddy. Good to see you up and about. You had us all going for a minute there.

Speaker 2:
[15:03] Ah, it's all good. I don't know why everyone was so worried, like I can't take a punch or something.

Speaker 4:
[15:07] Well, Gayle told me about that thing with the ding-dongs, and I just didn't know if you were…

Speaker 2:
[15:11] How many ding-dongs did she tell you I ate?

Speaker 4:
[15:13] Well, she said you locked yourself in the bathroom with a 48-pack.

Speaker 2:
[15:16] Yeah, but did she tell you that I only ate half? No. No, she didn't. So, see, you only have half the story.

Speaker 4:
[15:22] Shall we get to work?

Speaker 2:
[15:23] Absolutely. Did you read the pilot?

Speaker 4:
[15:26] I did. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[15:27] Okay. I'm just going to say that that is a very puzzling reaction because I just gave you the first draft of a pilot written by Oscar-winning screenwriter Ben fucking Affleck, so I figured it would be more like you climbing up and jumping up and down on your desk.

Speaker 4:
[15:39] Well, I'm not climbing on my desk unless it's to open that window so that I can jump out of it.

Speaker 2:
[15:45] What are you talking about?

Speaker 4:
[15:46] Dan, the script is bad. It's very bad.

Speaker 2:
[15:49] What? No, no. No, it's not.

Speaker 4:
[15:51] I read it. My assistant read it. I gave it to two other agents here who have impeccable taste. They read it and they all said the same thing.

Speaker 2:
[15:58] Which is what?

Speaker 4:
[15:59] That it feels derivative, like it's this weird hodgepodge of countless other historical dramas they've seen before and I agree with them.

Speaker 2:
[16:07] I need you to understand something. After what happened at the Emmys, I don't know if I ever work in this town again. Ben is the only guy who doesn't think that I fucked up. Do you know what he said to me? He said, I gave the speech that Hollywood needed to hear.

Speaker 4:
[16:22] Well, of course you're going to work again. You know, the Emmys thing, that's going to pass. No one stays in the penalty box for long. I mean, just ask Louis CK or Max fucking Landis. And they were doing actual gross shit.

Speaker 2:
[16:34] Not in front of an audience of 10 million people.

Speaker 4:
[16:36] Look, people in this town have the attention span of a goldfish. Next week, Kanye West will take a shit on the Declaration of Independence or something, and everybody will move on. Look, you said that if Affleck's stuff sucked, you could rewrite him, and now here we are. It sucks. So rewrite him. Show me that draft, because while you may be a constant pain in my ass, you are also one hell of a good writer. And I know you can do a lot better than this.

Speaker 2:
[16:57] Oh, I may do a polished pass, but I am not rewriting Ben's script.

Speaker 4:
[17:01] Look, I get it. You dug yourself into a deep hole. Now Affleck is throwing you a rope and you don't want to do anything to rock the boat.

Speaker 2:
[17:07] That metaphor was a fucking disaster.

Speaker 4:
[17:09] Regardless, you're not thinking straight. And if you were, you'd look at this draft and you'd see what I and everybody else can see.

Speaker 2:
[17:15] I don't give a shit what a bunch of fucking Harvard business grads think. Let's see what the buyers think, the people who actually matter.

Speaker 4:
[17:22] Dan, as your agent, I can't in good conscience send this script out with your name on it. It'll only hurt you and frankly, it'll reflect poorly on me as well.

Speaker 2:
[17:31] Oh, so we're at an impasse.

Speaker 4:
[17:33] It would appear so.

Speaker 2:
[17:35] Okay, well, you're fired.

Speaker 4:
[17:37] Okay, good luck out there.

Speaker 2:
[17:38] Oh, you don't think I can find another agent?

Speaker 4:
[17:40] Oh, I don't doubt that you can, but they will all say the same thing as me.

Speaker 2:
[17:43] Fine, let me just say this. You think that Emmy speech I gave went over the line, wait for the next one in the new asshole that I tear you when me and Ben accept our super Emmys for the potato show because that's what they're going to have to invent to properly pay tribute to how awesome it's going to be.

Speaker 4:
[17:57] I look forward to it.

Speaker 2:
[17:59] Good. Fuck you.

Speaker 4:
[18:02] And I went to Princeton, asshole.

Speaker 1:
[18:07] Chapter Five. Shitfuckery.

Speaker 3:
[18:14] Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? Your dad's a limp dick little bitch, and everybody at school fucking hates you.

Speaker 5:
[18:20] And you're getting your ass kicked by a girl.

Speaker 3:
[18:22] And that's... Oh, yeah. Fucking kick me. Real fucking mature. Just because what? You kid taking L? You little bitch. Hey. Did my deal close? Yep.

Speaker 5:
[18:33] I just got signed copies back from the studio. Congratulations.

Speaker 3:
[18:37] Holy fuckballs. Are we actually gonna make a movie?

Speaker 5:
[18:41] Well, you and I both know that a million things can go wrong between now and then. But right now, we are in incredible shape. Warner's just hired a new VP of production who's gonna shepherd it.

Speaker 3:
[18:51] Ugh. Isn't that bad, though? Execs don't like to inherit projects they didn't bring in themselves. They figure if it's a hit, then they don't get the credit, but if it's a flop, then they still get the blame.

Speaker 5:
[19:01] Generally, that's true, but Zaslav has made this a top priority for the studio, so in this case, they're gonna want to deliver.

Speaker 3:
[19:07] Who's the new VP?

Speaker 5:
[19:08] Tina Kirsch. Used to be at A24, searched like before that, so she knows her way around a prestige film. She's very good. Gayle? Did I lose you?

Speaker 3:
[19:19] For a second, I thought you were fucking with me, and then I realized that that's not possible because you don't know.

Speaker 5:
[19:24] Don't know what?

Speaker 3:
[19:27] Tina Kirsch is Dan's ex. She's like the most toxic, narcissistic bitch you will ever meet, even in Hollywood.

Speaker 5:
[19:35] Wait, I thought you and Dan were together since college.

Speaker 3:
[19:38] Since we were sophomores. Dan dated Tina freshman year, and then she dumped him when she found out he wanted to be a screenwriter and figured he'd never amount to anything. It was all football jocks for her after that. She's a total star fucker. Then years later, after West Palm blows up, she comes out of the fucking woodwork sniffing around Dan again.

Speaker 5:
[19:54] But you two were married by then.

Speaker 3:
[19:56] Yes, we were married and she did not give a fuck. You should see some of these texts she sent him. Some of these photos, she didn't look good.

Speaker 5:
[20:03] Oh my God, Dan was sexting with her behind your back?

Speaker 3:
[20:07] No. Dan may be many things, but he's not a cheater. He showed me the texts. So I called her and we had a very lovely chat about how if she ever contacted him again, I would rip her fucking head off and then I may or may not have FedExed a box of dog shit to her house. So how closed is this deal and is there any way we unclose it?

Speaker 5:
[20:26] Well, you already signed the papers, so no. You don't really want to do that. You're not going to walk away from the opportunity of a lifetime because you don't like the exec.

Speaker 3:
[20:35] Don't like? Don't like? I nearly clawed this bitch's eyes out eight years ago and I would do it again today. I can't be in a room with that woman. What happens if I just walk away, refuse to do the movie?

Speaker 5:
[20:47] Well, they could sue you for tens of millions of dollars and you'd have a reputation as the writer who reneges on her contracts and your Florence script, which they now own, will be locked up forever. You're just gonna have to put on your big boy pants and find a way to work with her. Eight years is a long time to hold a grudge.

Speaker 3:
[21:02] And yet, not nearly long enough.

Speaker 5:
[21:04] I'll support you in whatever you decide, but I think you should at least meet with her. It's either that or give up the only chance you're ever gonna get to make a movie you've been dreaming about for 20 years.

Speaker 3:
[21:15] Ugh, can I not just have one nice thing that doesn't come with some shitfuckery attached?

Speaker 5:
[21:23] Probably not, no.

Speaker 3:
[21:24] God damn it. Set it up.

Speaker 1:
[21:29] Chapter 6, Toxic Avenger.

Speaker 8:
[21:32] Gayle, thanks so much for coming in.

Speaker 3:
[21:35] Seems like I didn't have much of a choice. You'll understand if we don't shake hands or anything.

Speaker 8:
[21:40] Of course. Let's get that elephant out of the room first. I never apologized to you for what happened eight years ago.

Speaker 3:
[21:46] Huh, that's a nice use of the passive voice there. What happened instead of what I did?

Speaker 8:
[21:52] I know it doesn't excuse my behavior, but I was in a really bad place back then. My fiance had just left me, I was drinking. I've done a lot of work on myself since then.

Speaker 3:
[22:03] If it doesn't excuse anything, why bring it up?

Speaker 8:
[22:06] I'm trying here, Gayle. Neither of us asked to be in the situation, but here we are.

Speaker 3:
[22:12] I can't request another exec.

Speaker 8:
[22:14] You could, and you might get someone you like more than me.

Speaker 3:
[22:17] So literally anybody.

Speaker 8:
[22:19] But I can guarantee that you won't get anyone who will do a better job for you on Florence. When I ran Searchlight, we won seven Oscars, three more at A24, and I never had a script as good as yours. Gayle, you don't have to like me as a person. You just have to trust that I know exactly how to help you make the best possible version of this film, the version that wins you an Oscar.

Speaker 3:
[22:42] Do you really think so?

Speaker 8:
[22:43] I don't think. I know. Listen, I'm so sorry to have to do this, but I'm getting pulled into this other thing. It's my first week, and I'm already putting out fires, so I have to cut this short. But we'll work out a time for us to sit down properly and really get our teeth into this. If that's all right with you.

Speaker 7:
[22:59] Uh, okay.

Speaker 3:
[23:02] I guess, I guess we'll see how it goes.

Speaker 8:
[23:05] I promise you, you won't regret it. Sorry, I really do have to run. Hannah can validate your parking.

Speaker 3:
[23:11] You still haven't apologized.

Speaker 8:
[23:12] Gayle, I am so, so sorry. Truly.

Speaker 3:
[23:19] All right, then.

Speaker 8:
[23:21] Oh, Gayle, sorry, I have to ask. Eight years ago, the FedEx box of dog shit, that was you, right?

Speaker 3:
[23:29] Oh, you're damn right it was.

Speaker 8:
[23:31] Okay, I deserve that. I think we... Dan, hey. Yeah, she just left. Oh, she bought it. This is totally gonna work.

Speaker 1:
[23:49] Thanks for listening. See You in Hell is made by Gary Whitta. That's me. Shannon Woodward was Gayle, and Thomas Sadusky was Dan. John Cryer was Patrick, and Alison Pill was Liz. Paul Scheer was Charlie Kaufman, Amber Martinez was Tina Kirsch, and Kevin Smith was Kevin Smith. Special thanks to our executive producer patrons. Hannibal Solo, Ryan Hay, Raymond Vidoe, Adam Nickerson, Erikan Michelle, Fabio Mendonca, Mitchell Brinkley III, and PS. Weech, Bruno Vidal, Kim Chi Soft, Simon Wickham, Joe Adonis Tayok, Philip Becker, and Zachary Lang. If I mispronounced your name, please let me know. Learn how you can become an EP at patreon.com/see you in hell.

Speaker 7:
[24:28] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. So you're telling me that Dan is Prince Adam, you know, slash He-Man, then you're Ram Man, and I guess Gayle would have to be Teela.

Speaker 6:
[24:41] Teela Vashur, man, crazy feminine and crazy formidable. Like, you don't want to piss her off.

Speaker 7:
[24:48] Of course, no, of course not. I mean, I mean, who does? Wait, wait, who does that make me?

Speaker 6:
[24:53] Well, let me think of this. Pass me back that blunt.

Speaker 7:
[24:59] You know, because I was personally thinking I'm kind of like a man at arms.

Speaker 6:
[25:08] Oh my god, Chuckles, on what fucking planet are you mad at arms? You barely even have arms.

Speaker 7:
[25:16] Excuse me, Prince Adam's most loyal friend has mad at arms. They've been Dan's BFF for more than 10 years.

Speaker 6:
[25:23] BFF, man, what are you, 12? Oh, oh, I got it, man. I know who you are. You ready for this, Chuckles?

Speaker 7:
[25:30] Okay.

Speaker 6:
[25:32] Cringer!

Speaker 7:
[25:33] Oh, what?

Speaker 6:
[25:35] You know, loyal friend, but also kind of a big pussy.

Speaker 7:
[25:38] Okay, you know what? Fuck you. All right, because that also means I get to be Battle Cat.

Speaker 2:
[25:43] This is awesome.

Speaker 1:
[25:44] You guys are awesome.

Speaker 6:
[25:45] My friend, this Kush is awesome. You weren't kidding.

Speaker 7:
[25:48] By the power of Grayskull!

Speaker 6:
[25:50] By the power of motherfucking Grayskull, bitch. Good time.