transcript
Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
[00:30] So you're saying with Hilton Honors, I can use points for a free night stay anywhere?
Speaker 3:
[00:35] Anywhere.
Speaker 2:
[00:36] What about fancy places like the Canopy in Paris?
Speaker 3:
[00:38] Yeah, Hilton Honors, baby.
Speaker 2:
[00:40] Or relaxing sanctuaries like the Conrad and Tulum?
Speaker 4:
[00:43] Hilton Honors, baby.
Speaker 2:
[00:45] What about the five-star Waldorf Astoria in the Maldives? Are you going to do this for all 9,000 properties?
Speaker 5:
[00:52] When you want points that can take you anywhere, anytime, it matters where you stay. Hilton for the stay. Book your spring break now.
Speaker 6:
[01:21] Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And today, we're at Nutmeg Post as guest of our friend, Frank V. Now, Christopher Guest said of our guest today that when it comes to comedy, he has an extra gene. He's written for shows like Will and Grace, Cheers and Seinfeld, written three novels and worked with people like Steve Allen, Jonathan Winters, Bob Hope, Martin Short, Harry Shearer, Mary Tyler Moore and Martin Moll. Please welcome our pal and the man with the world's funniest, Donald O'Connor story, Tom Leopold.
Speaker 7:
[02:22] He left out Gert Frobe.
Speaker 6:
[02:24] Ah, that's always a problem.
Speaker 7:
[02:27] You know, Gert Frobe consciously left out.
Speaker 6:
[02:29] Now, now, I've been told that Harry...
Speaker 7:
[02:33] First of all, may I say, next to my children being born, this is one of the greatest nights ever, and I appreciate you guys having me. Sure, Tom.
Speaker 6:
[02:40] Your children were born?
Speaker 7:
[02:42] Sure they were born. What are you suggesting?
Speaker 6:
[02:45] I thought they were just...
Speaker 7:
[02:47] Did they ever get shoulder rolled out of a car?
Speaker 6:
[02:49] Yes. So they were actually born.
Speaker 7:
[02:52] Of course, the old fashioned way.
Speaker 6:
[02:53] Oh.
Speaker 7:
[02:54] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[02:55] How was that? I don't know.
Speaker 7:
[02:58] I was busy that day.
Speaker 6:
[02:59] So our next guest, children, were born.
Speaker 7:
[03:03] You got another guest?
Speaker 6:
[03:05] No.
Speaker 7:
[03:05] Oh, that's me. Okay. All right.
Speaker 6:
[03:07] Our first guest, children, were born.
Speaker 7:
[03:11] Have you said my name? I know you said all those...
Speaker 8:
[03:13] Yeah, Tom Leopold.
Speaker 7:
[03:13] I didn't actually hear my name.
Speaker 8:
[03:14] This was at the end of the intro.
Speaker 7:
[03:15] Oh, okay.
Speaker 6:
[03:16] We leave it out because no one knows who the fuck you are.
Speaker 7:
[03:19] Would you say that I'm the least known guest you've had?
Speaker 6:
[03:23] Well, you're certainly up there.
Speaker 8:
[03:27] Not even close, Tom.
Speaker 7:
[03:28] I barely have heard of myself. The comedy writer is a comedy writer, which means often imitated, seldom paid. But go ahead.
Speaker 6:
[03:38] Yes. So what do you do for a living?
Speaker 7:
[03:42] Well, I'm a comedy writer, Gilbert, and I've worked with you. And gee, I've had the privilege of working with so many of my heroes, none of whom come to mind, unfortunately.
Speaker 8:
[03:56] Gert Frobe.
Speaker 7:
[03:57] Gert Frobe, you're handsome. So John Lagoizayamo, you're a talented man. Can you use it? I like people's names like that where you can just-
Speaker 8:
[04:05] As exclamations.
Speaker 7:
[04:05] John Luis Guzamo, that hurts. Are we off subject?
Speaker 6:
[04:10] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[04:10] Can I just open with a question? No. Can I guess?
Speaker 6:
[04:13] Okay, sure.
Speaker 7:
[04:14] Or is that not done?
Speaker 6:
[04:15] Go for it.
Speaker 7:
[04:15] Is it poo-pooed?
Speaker 6:
[04:17] What? No, that will get to later.
Speaker 7:
[04:20] I think you got to it now. Actually, thank you. Anyway, quick question for you guys. Frank, Frankie and Gil, if you could only take one of these two people to a desert island, which one would you take? George Chakiris, George Maharis?
Speaker 6:
[04:36] That's a tough one. Wow, that is a tough one.
Speaker 7:
[04:39] Think about it, we'll come back.
Speaker 6:
[04:41] Hey, this is a test I'm sure you know. Who was George Maharis, whose dick was George Maharis sucking in that gas station bathroom?
Speaker 7:
[04:56] I'm getting on an age and when I, and I forgets a bit, I forgets a bit, I drink a bit. Anyway, if all else goes, I still know I'm going to be okay if I can still remember the name, Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 8:
[05:12] Nicely done.
Speaker 6:
[05:12] Excellent. Excellent.
Speaker 7:
[05:14] Thank you.
Speaker 6:
[05:15] Perfecto Telles was who George Maharis was blowing.
Speaker 7:
[05:19] Was standing in the shopping bag or in the tea room or what we like to call a men's room. It's called a tea room.
Speaker 6:
[05:25] Yeah, because they stand and when they're in a stall, one of them stands in a bag, so they won't know another person's in there.
Speaker 7:
[05:35] I'm going to sit back down.
Speaker 6:
[05:37] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[05:37] I couldn't hear myself. Yes, that's right. So for the folks at home, don't try this at home, because you don't need to try it at home, because you're home.
Speaker 6:
[05:48] You don't have a men's room stall at home.
Speaker 7:
[05:51] You don't have a gas station men's room in your house. Well, you're rich enough.
Speaker 6:
[05:54] You can have one. I had one. You put in.
Speaker 7:
[05:56] Call the Perfecto Telles room. A dirty filthy Sonoco gas station men's room.
Speaker 8:
[06:00] Now, Perfecto Telles, was he a celebrity hairdresser?
Speaker 7:
[06:03] Yes.
Speaker 8:
[06:04] Or was he just a hairdresser? Because I think I had the information. I gave Bob Saget bad info.
Speaker 7:
[06:09] He was a celebrity sodomizer.
Speaker 8:
[06:12] But not like Monty Rock. He wasn't a hairdresser to the stars.
Speaker 7:
[06:18] No, no, no.
Speaker 8:
[06:19] I gave Bob bad information.
Speaker 7:
[06:20] Any chance of that was blown when he blew.
Speaker 8:
[06:23] So to speak.
Speaker 7:
[06:23] Can I? Yeah. So cute George Chakiris story. You're probably sick of those. What were the podcasts?
Speaker 6:
[06:32] Every guest has a George Chakiris. Could you tell us a Ross Tamplin one instead?
Speaker 7:
[06:39] I wish. You know, Tamlin, Tam, Tam, it was like when people said, I never forget. I was four years. This is how hip I was. In no other way but this when I was a kid. I would watch the four o'clock movie. You going somewhere, Frank?
Speaker 8:
[06:53] No, just watch.
Speaker 9:
[06:54] It's a hard time start.
Speaker 7:
[06:56] You got like a lunch or something?
Speaker 6:
[06:57] Go ahead.
Speaker 7:
[06:58] Makes me feel good, confident.
Speaker 6:
[07:00] Can you hurry this up? Yeah, please.
Speaker 7:
[07:03] You catching the bus?
Speaker 8:
[07:05] 430 Movie.
Speaker 7:
[07:06] 430 Movie Miami where I grew up. Bob Clayton hosted it. Who played the head bellman behind the desk in Jerry Lewis' The Bellboy in Miami? Oh, wow. In Miami, my hometown. I actually drove by there when my parents drove me by to see the cameras.
Speaker 6:
[07:21] Do you know what I remember about The Bellboy? It seems like he probably just got a lot of comics who were working Florida at the time.
Speaker 7:
[07:32] Notenboro.
Speaker 6:
[07:33] But they had this one unknown guy, or maybe you know his name, and his whole big bit was pretending to be eating an apple. Jerry Lewis runs into him and-
Speaker 7:
[07:46] Saw Bellow. No, no, I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 6:
[07:50] And he just puts his hand like he's miming holding an apple, and he goes, That's just a good apple.
Speaker 8:
[07:58] I don't remember that. That was his stick pretending to eat an apple?
Speaker 6:
[08:02] Yes. That was one point. And as a kid, I was thinking-
Speaker 7:
[08:06] Oh, I loved it as a kid.
Speaker 6:
[08:07] Yeah. Well, as a kid, I was watching it going, hmm, maybe when I'm older, I'll understand what's funny about this part.
Speaker 7:
[08:14] And how did that turn out for you?
Speaker 6:
[08:17] No, it's still a mystery.
Speaker 7:
[08:19] Well, you still got a couple of years.
Speaker 8:
[08:20] You were starting to tell us a George Chakiris story before you went to the Bellboy.
Speaker 7:
[08:24] Well, this is to get us-
Speaker 6:
[08:27] I heard George Chakiris once went to the Bellboy.
Speaker 7:
[08:32] I'm sure he saw the Bellboy. Now, this is only- this story is kind of the bridge to get us to the Chakiris story. Go ahead. We got the time. I was- this is how I knew I wanted to be in show business, because even at the age of seven, I'm watching the afternoon movie. And in those days, you know, the guy hosting the movie, was the head bellman in The Bellboy, which was Bob Clayton, who was a local TV personality. But Jerry hired him to be his boss in The Bellboy. And so I'm watching it, and he's talking about this terrible movie, B-movie that they're having on. And they would have birthday people come up. During the afternoon movie, he went on for six hours or something. They'd bring somebody up to open a treasure chest, and they'd bring out a birthday cake. And he says, now this scene coming up now, Gwen and so on and so on, and William Lundigan. And you know, Lundy would always... And so he's name dropping. I'm seven, and I know that he says... And he says, and you know, Lundy had a habit of... I'm going, what does this guy know from Lundy? I'm seven years old, this guy's a local TV Miami guy. You know, Lundy had a way that... I'm going, well, how does he know Bill Lundy? How, now, I even forgot how the bridge... That's a hip kid. Yeah, pretty hip kid. And I'm wondering how that gets us to Chakiris.
Speaker 6:
[09:56] There was another guy in the Bellboy...
Speaker 7:
[09:58] Who ate a peach...
Speaker 6:
[09:59] .who is describing, like, either astrological gods or mytholog... you know, whatever. And he goes, well, she's a dingling chick who swings with any...
Speaker 7:
[10:17] Yeah, I remember that.
Speaker 6:
[10:18] That's another thing.
Speaker 7:
[10:19] That's another little Chatsky.
Speaker 6:
[10:21] I had no idea. What the hell?
Speaker 7:
[10:24] How about how weird it was that he's the Bellboy in the hotel, then Jerry Lewis comes in the hotel.
Speaker 6:
[10:29] Oh, yes. Yes.
Speaker 7:
[10:31] What's going on? I had asthma and I was on medication. And I thought, is this the medication? You know what I mean?
Speaker 6:
[10:37] I was so...
Speaker 7:
[10:39] I had so much cortisone and adrenaline pumped into my body. I had very bad asthma and things like that. Like if ever on the 4 o'clock movie, a Busby Berkeley movie would come on with like 100 girls spreading their legs upside down, circling the moon with people dancing out of them. And it's like, I couldn't watch that stuff. It was too freaky.
Speaker 6:
[10:59] Busby Berkeley, who was the great choreographer of old Hollywood, once killed someone driving a car. That's right. And I heard on the trial a guy testified for Busby Berkeley saying he was an eyewitness.
Speaker 7:
[11:17] The guy had it coming? He said the guy had it coming?
Speaker 6:
[11:19] No, I don't know. He was like an eyewitness or a doctor or something. And it turned out to be later on they found out he was a guy that worked for the studio.
Speaker 7:
[11:30] Interesting.
Speaker 6:
[11:31] Pretending to be an eyewitness.
Speaker 7:
[11:35] And that's when you kind of, your heart broke?
Speaker 6:
[11:38] And then Busby Berkeley was later caught in a bench. Sucking Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 7:
[11:45] He was running over another guy.
Speaker 8:
[11:46] Perfecto got around. Why don't you tell the Maharis.
Speaker 7:
[11:49] He must have been some good looking guy.
Speaker 8:
[11:51] He got me going from Maharis to Chakiris. Why don't you tell us about interacting with George Chakiris a couple years ago.
Speaker 6:
[11:56] Did you write a book called Going From Here to Chakiris?
Speaker 7:
[12:01] I wrote a book called Hi Chakiris. Hi Chakiris. It's like one of those movies that's dubbed in Roman. Hi Chakiris.
Speaker 8:
[12:12] Didn't you reach out to George a couple of years ago and...
Speaker 7:
[12:15] Oh absolutely. Well it's a long story. It's not very good.
Speaker 6:
[12:19] Well no the other one was a long story.
Speaker 7:
[12:22] And that one was either.
Speaker 8:
[12:24] So it's fine.
Speaker 7:
[12:26] This will make that story look great. That's how great this story is.
Speaker 6:
[12:31] It doesn't have anything to do with the bell boy.
Speaker 7:
[12:35] I don't know. Let's see. Let's give it its head. My pal, our pal, Paul Shaffer and I, you see this ring here? Not you folks at home, but we wanted to get friendship rings like Sam Momojiancana and Frank Sinatra had. Okay. Right? Sam Momojiancana, the head of the Chicago mob, gave Frank, his pal, a ring that Frank wore and had a sapphire in the corner. And his ring, this is true because we all are into this stuff so heavily. And Frank's ring said, to Frank love Momo, which was Sam, it was kind of his nickname, Momo. And Momo's ring said, love Momo from Frank. So we decided we wanted to get rings kind of like that. So I happen to like to look up stuff about George Maharis. You know, I don't haunt, I don't fish.
Speaker 8:
[13:37] That's a must-say for a hobby.
Speaker 7:
[13:39] Well, I don't know about that. I'd rather be shot actually. So I happen to be looking up George Maharis and by, you know, you know, I don't believe in all that supernatural who do. But George Chakiris came up by mistake. If you believe in coincidence. Yes.
Speaker 8:
[14:02] Interesting.
Speaker 7:
[14:02] Yeah.
Speaker 8:
[14:03] So you Google George Chakiris, but you Google George Maharis. But you got George Chakiris.
Speaker 7:
[14:07] I got George Chakiris.
Speaker 8:
[14:08] OK.
Speaker 7:
[14:08] The stars were aligned.
Speaker 6:
[14:09] Thank God you didn't get Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 7:
[14:12] I'm trying to get Perfecto Telles. I'd love to know what happened to him. By the way, the bag is at the Smithsonian. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Perfecto, get in the bag. But don't squash the grapes. I'm having that. Prove alone later. Anyway, so George Chakiris, this is Paul, Paul says, well, we'll get a jeweler to make us our rings, you know? And I kind of forgot. And then I get George Chakiris and said, George, among his other things, Academy Award winner and unemployable actor. He's very nice guy. His story is amazing. And jewelry, he makes jewelry. So I called Paul up right away. I go, wouldn't it be amazing to get our rings made by George Chakiris? And Paul says, George Maharis? I said, no, no, no. Good mistake, though. You know what I mean? Logical mistake. George Chakiris. So I would love that. You see, I would love to have George Maharis to make the ring because I love Route 66. And I've got about an hour story about Marty Milner that I'm going to save for later.
Speaker 6:
[15:24] Very good. Can I just bring in my favorite actor?
Speaker 7:
[15:28] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[15:29] Lon Chaney Jr. did two episodes of Route 66.
Speaker 7:
[15:35] Yes. Yeah. Of course.
Speaker 8:
[15:36] You've brought up on two different episodes now. But it's worth mentioning again.
Speaker 7:
[15:41] You can't bring that up enough. What was it?
Speaker 8:
[15:42] Owlswing?
Speaker 7:
[15:44] Owlswing and then Lizard's Tale.
Speaker 6:
[15:47] And the other one, I forget the title, but he plays like this hillbilly father of George Maharis.
Speaker 7:
[15:55] That's right. Because Buzz, George's character, excuse me, was an orphan and they're driving through, all of a sudden they're driving through Alabama and all these hillbillies come on, they all look like George Maharis. And Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 6:
[16:13] That's strange.
Speaker 7:
[16:14] Kind of a forecast.
Speaker 6:
[16:16] And, oh, so I got it. No, also in that episode is the actress Betty Field.
Speaker 7:
[16:23] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[16:23] Who worked with Cheney in Of My Summit.
Speaker 9:
[16:26] Oh, that's right.
Speaker 7:
[16:26] Was that just a wonderful, a beautiful accident or?
Speaker 6:
[16:30] I don't, they had no scenes together.
Speaker 7:
[16:33] You also have to hire Betty Field. I'll do it.
Speaker 9:
[16:37] She won't read.
Speaker 8:
[16:38] That's your Cheney Jr.?
Speaker 7:
[16:39] I don't know.
Speaker 6:
[16:39] Yeah, and he sounded like an old Jew. You got it.
Speaker 9:
[16:42] I'll do it.
Speaker 8:
[16:43] You sound like Jack Gilford.
Speaker 7:
[16:45] I'll do it. But I get to take the centerpiece home, and Betty Field has the...
Speaker 8:
[16:52] So you're getting the French, you want to get the friendship rings.
Speaker 6:
[16:54] So basically.
Speaker 7:
[16:55] Thank you, Frank.
Speaker 6:
[16:56] Lon Cheney sounded like Charlie Callis. He said, I want to talk to her.
Speaker 7:
[17:02] I want to talk to her. I want to talk to her. I want to talk to her. So we want to get, so I call Paul up. I'm very excited. George Chakiris makes jewelry, you know. He didn't seem as excited as I am, but anyway. So he says, I said, he'll make them, imagine we, not only can we say we're half rings like Frank and Momo, but it's made by George Chakiris. Can anything be more, you know, unimportant? Except for like eight guys, and they'll laugh at this. So he says, all right, well call him. I'm not going to call him, you're the celebrity. You have to actually call George Chakiris. So he has this guy at the Letterman show, call George Chakiris' guy. You don't think Chakiris will hear this?
Speaker 8:
[17:49] No.
Speaker 6:
[17:51] I don't think anyone in America will hear this.
Speaker 7:
[17:56] So Paul calls me up and says, look, come over to my house after the show, Chakiris is calling us. So I'm so excited.
Speaker 6:
[18:04] Wow.
Speaker 7:
[18:04] He's going to call. I'm nervous. But Paul is used to this kind of celebrity.
Speaker 6:
[18:08] Yeah, it's so exciting.
Speaker 7:
[18:12] So by this point, we want him to make jewelry, and now we're already getting sucked into this thing. He says, well, I don't really make rings. He has dogs like this, I don't really make rings.
Speaker 6:
[18:25] He has.
Speaker 7:
[18:26] You know how he talks. He sounds like Ron Cheney Jr. A wasp, a wasp, a Ron Cheney Jr. So he says, I just make these medallions. So now what are we going to do? Not buy the medallion? So we say, yo, really, you're not going to make, no, I can't make rings. I said, well, okay, we'll take the medallions. And they look like Ming from Flash Gordon.
Speaker 8:
[18:52] Mingniversalus.
Speaker 7:
[18:54] A huge, like two ounce triangle with eros.
Speaker 8:
[18:57] More like an amulet than a medallion.
Speaker 7:
[18:59] More like an ambulance.
Speaker 8:
[19:00] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[19:02] And one was eros, very kind of homoerotic, let's say, but very heavy so that when you leaned over and the thing swung back into your chest, it could just take you right out. So we get these things and then I have to tell my wife, I say, well, he doesn't make rings, but we bought some, you know, what do you call it?
Speaker 8:
[19:21] Medallion.
Speaker 7:
[19:22] Medallion. She said, okay, and I said, it's going to be $500. I go, what? What? It's going to be $500. What? $500. I have to pay George Chakiris $500.
Speaker 6:
[19:34] Oh, jeez.
Speaker 7:
[19:35] For their medallion that we never were born since. But anyway, but then I say to him, George, will you send also a letter? Because now I'm thinking I'll get the letter and I'll hang the medallion in a frame. And right.
Speaker 8:
[19:47] Sure.
Speaker 7:
[19:47] And my kids can sell it for like, you know, they can sell it for kindling money.
Speaker 8:
[19:52] It's a conversation piece.
Speaker 7:
[19:54] Yeah.
Speaker 8:
[19:54] Oscar winner.
Speaker 7:
[19:55] Yes. So anyway, we don't have these. We got the rings made and we had to make half California. You see there has that's supposed to be California. These are horrible rings. Yeah. Terrible. We little sapphire. And mine says to Paul from Tom and his. But the thing is that the great part of it is now George Chakiris is kind of our pal now. And he's we get a call from George Chakiris. Tom, first of all, thank you so much for remembering. And you're so kind to buy the medallions. And Paul was always pissed because my medallion had 28 grams of silver, 28.1 grams, and he just had 28 grams. George Chakiris was a wonderful guy. He got the Academy Award, but he was no George Maharis, let's face it. And so in the middle of the thing, Paul is just like, you know, he can be kind of a different.
Speaker 8:
[20:46] There's no George Grizard for that matter.
Speaker 7:
[20:48] No. George, by the way, George Maharis does paintings. George Chakiris does jewelry. George Grizard does insurance.
Speaker 8:
[20:58] Really?
Speaker 7:
[20:59] No, I don't know. So Paul says to George Maharis, George Chakiris, wait a minute.
Speaker 6:
[21:06] Was George Grizard in that Twilight Zone episode where he creates, no, he creates an artificial robot version of himself.
Speaker 8:
[21:18] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[21:19] He was in a couple of them.
Speaker 6:
[21:21] Oh, he was also in one that had to do with the love potion.
Speaker 7:
[21:25] Yes, where he was suddenly, girls couldn't keep their hands off him.
Speaker 6:
[21:29] Yes.
Speaker 8:
[21:30] George Grizard. He was gay. Look it up, folks.
Speaker 7:
[21:33] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[21:33] And I think he once blew Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 7:
[21:37] He was in a separate gas station.
Speaker 6:
[21:41] Well, Perfecto Telles.
Speaker 7:
[21:43] With Primo Carnera.
Speaker 6:
[21:44] Really?
Speaker 9:
[21:45] Primo Carnera.
Speaker 6:
[21:47] No kidding.
Speaker 7:
[21:47] So I'm looking at Primo Carnera on the web and I see George Grizard.
Speaker 6:
[21:52] Hey.
Speaker 7:
[21:54] Sorry. Tom. Tom Leopold. Yeah. I know nobody knows who I am.
Speaker 6:
[22:00] You don't even know who I am. Now, George Chakiris, Academy Award.
Speaker 7:
[22:07] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[22:07] He was like this incredibly handsome guy, great dancer.
Speaker 7:
[22:11] Great dancer.
Speaker 6:
[22:12] I mean, he was extremely talented, extremely handsome. What happened after West Side Story?
Speaker 7:
[22:19] Well, good. You know, he went to Europe and did a lot of movies over there. And he was on, he was a very good singer. And he was on with, who's that Greek? Melina McCoury?
Speaker 8:
[22:28] Melina McCoury.
Speaker 7:
[22:29] No, not her. Okay.
Speaker 6:
[22:30] Who's the one who wears the Cali Savalas?
Speaker 8:
[22:32] Maria Callas?
Speaker 7:
[22:35] Nina Miskura.
Speaker 8:
[22:36] Yes, that's her. Yes, I know you made her.
Speaker 7:
[22:38] Nina Miskura.
Speaker 8:
[22:38] Much younger.
Speaker 7:
[22:39] Which I wear just to bring out my eyes. Sure. You know, and I'm straight. It's attractive.
Speaker 6:
[22:44] Now, you said that Chevy Chase once got lost somewhere. You were telling us a story.
Speaker 7:
[22:51] The car broke down in the Hollywood Hills. Chevy told me this story.
Speaker 6:
[22:56] Chevy Chase?
Speaker 7:
[22:57] Yeah, and he said, oh, he's had so much money at that point. This is early in the big stardom. He just left the car. He starts walking down the street and the car pulls up.
Speaker 6:
[23:05] It's Paul Lynde.
Speaker 7:
[23:08] Chevy Chase, get in his car. I used to do a pretty good. I hadn't memorized the Paul Lynde comedy album when I was a kid.
Speaker 6:
[23:16] Really? Oh, jeez. But you're not gay.
Speaker 7:
[23:18] I had an old dog named Blue. I could hit him and he wouldn't care. Oh, he's got them chained in the chair. That was his act. Anyway, so Paul Lynde gives Chevy a ride up to his house. Now, nothing untoward happened, but can you imagine if he, God forbid, because he was a drinker, he liked his drink. He's like this martini's Mr. Lynde, right? What if they had gone off the cliff and the rumors would have, they must have been gay lovers or something, Chevy and Paul. You know, if something had, God forbid, happened then?
Speaker 6:
[23:51] And Paul Lynde was, I've heard it a few times that Paul Lynde was the most viciously anti-Semitic person you'd ever meet.
Speaker 7:
[24:03] I thought you were going to say huge pussy hound. This whole gay thing is just in front.
Speaker 6:
[24:09] I heard backstage at Hollywood Squares, when the other people would be-
Speaker 7:
[24:14] Loving Jews.
Speaker 6:
[24:15] Yeah. Loving Jews and telling stories and laughing and having a nice time. Paul Lynde would be bombed out of his skull and he'd go, Oh, those fucking Jews. They're the reason I don't have a career.
Speaker 7:
[24:33] Yeah. Why would they be the reason he doesn't have a career?
Speaker 8:
[24:35] It's very strange.
Speaker 7:
[24:38] Did he ever go into more detail?
Speaker 6:
[24:39] Yeah.
Speaker 8:
[24:41] Gilbert has no interest in this whatsoever, Tom. But tell us, before you were a comedy writer, you started out as an actor.
Speaker 6:
[24:46] I have no interest in this whatsoever.
Speaker 8:
[24:48] You did Mannix, you did, we talked about Gunsmoke. You sent a Gunsmoke episode.
Speaker 7:
[24:53] Oh, with Marshall Counselor Law, I did that with Wayne Newton. Oh.
Speaker 6:
[24:55] Wow.
Speaker 7:
[24:56] All of a sudden, we're on the set. I'm testifying against Wayne Newton, who's supposed to be my college professor. Imagine having a college professor who has his hair like that and the turquoise belt. Turquoise belt and the spanks under his pants, you know?
Speaker 6:
[25:14] Yeah. And it's like one whole piece.
Speaker 7:
[25:17] It's like a body spank.
Speaker 6:
[25:18] The pants and the shirt.
Speaker 7:
[25:20] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[25:20] Attached.
Speaker 7:
[25:20] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[25:21] Like a jumpsuit.
Speaker 7:
[25:22] Yeah. And the doors open on the soundstage. And I don't know what's going on. And his white Rolls Royce pulls into the set and he gets out. He doesn't even park in the street. He parks in the set.
Speaker 8:
[25:37] Incredible.
Speaker 7:
[25:37] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[25:38] We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this.
Speaker 9:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 4:
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Speaker 8:
[27:16] Tell us about what we talked about this last time. Tell us about-
Speaker 7:
[27:19] Last time, the one that no one heard? Yes.
Speaker 8:
[27:22] The pilot? Tell us about doing a TV movie with Robert Culp called Outrage.
Speaker 7:
[27:28] Well, I played-
Speaker 8:
[27:31] You were a young actor.
Speaker 7:
[27:32] I was about 22.
Speaker 6:
[27:33] You were like a thug.
Speaker 7:
[27:35] I was always a thug. In Mannix, I played the leader of the street gang named the Nomads.
Speaker 8:
[27:39] Me. Jewish kid from Miami.
Speaker 7:
[27:42] I weighed 128 pounds and from Miami, you know.
Speaker 6:
[27:45] I could kick your ass. That's how pathetic.
Speaker 7:
[27:48] Gilbert Gottfried could kick my ass. That's what a pussy I am.
Speaker 8:
[27:50] You couldn't get Christopher Tabori. So they called you.
Speaker 7:
[27:56] They wouldn't make his number.
Speaker 8:
[27:57] I see.
Speaker 7:
[27:59] He was always getting the parts that we all wanted to get Christopher. What happened to him?
Speaker 8:
[28:02] He was in a lot of that Quinn Martin stuff.
Speaker 7:
[28:04] I would have thought you would have Christopher Tabori on before me. He was even more famous than I am. Anyway, Robert Culp. I was there with Nicholas Hammond. He was in my gang.
Speaker 8:
[28:14] The Sound of Music.
Speaker 7:
[28:15] The Sound of Music. The plot was I was just a spoiled rich kid who ran over his dog for no reason at all. Just for kicks.
Speaker 8:
[28:24] He's a veterinarian, right?
Speaker 7:
[28:25] Like Johnny Cash. I shot a man just to see him die. I ran over a dog. Not quite his macho. But anyway, it was a great job. What was my story?
Speaker 8:
[28:39] He was kind of an angry guy.
Speaker 7:
[28:40] Oh yeah, a little bit angry. I think he liked his martoonies too because he was a little bit... Come the end of the day, he was...
Speaker 8:
[28:46] Robert Culp.
Speaker 7:
[28:46] Yeah. We were so perverted. We just would shake his trailer and say, wait a minute. Nothing, Mr. Culp. No, not a great story.
Speaker 8:
[28:57] And you also...
Speaker 7:
[28:58] It's no George Shakira story.
Speaker 6:
[28:59] So did he have an attitude problem or just a drinker?
Speaker 7:
[29:04] I just think everybody went on, Steve McQueen went on to the movies. After Bob and Ted, Carol Alice. Oh, yeah. And maybe he was a little...
Speaker 6:
[29:14] That was a big hit.
Speaker 7:
[29:15] I have as big a part as him.
Speaker 6:
[29:18] I don't work with this.
Speaker 7:
[29:19] It's nobody.
Speaker 8:
[29:21] You're working with a chimp.
Speaker 7:
[29:22] I'd be drunk too. He's working with a chimp. He might as well get his head, his brain transplanted to a chimp.
Speaker 6:
[29:29] And you were in a movie that had nothing to do with Chuck E the Possessed Doll, but you were in a movie called Child's Play.
Speaker 7:
[29:37] What was it?
Speaker 6:
[29:38] Child's Play.
Speaker 7:
[29:39] Yes, that's better. It's more like it. I was in... Now that it might be interesting to your listener.
Speaker 6:
[29:45] Yeah. I don't think so. So far nothing else has.
Speaker 7:
[29:51] Hey, you know, what am I going to do? Be less in demand? That couldn't possibly happen. I go to read for Sidney Lumet. I was 21 years old and I get the part in the movie in New York. And a really nice, two nice scenes in the movie called Child's Play. Not the one with the child, the Chuck E. Cheese or whatever it is. Chuck E. The Robot.
Speaker 6:
[30:15] What was it? This took... Doll.
Speaker 8:
[30:18] A murderous doll.
Speaker 6:
[30:18] Yeah, this takes place in like a Catholic school.
Speaker 7:
[30:21] It took place in a boy's Catholic school.
Speaker 6:
[30:23] Right.
Speaker 7:
[30:24] And we shot it in Terrytown. And so I get the job and I say to Mr. Lamet, I say, you know, I'm 21 years old and I'm just out of high school, like three years, you know. And I say, and I had one scene with one lead actor, a really nice scene, and another nice scene with the other lead actor. And I say, well, who's playing these parts? Who's the star? He goes, oh, well, James Mason's playing that one. So I have a scene with James Mason. And I say, what about the other one? He goes, oh, Marlon's doing that one. So I'm supposed to work on Monday. I'm working with Marlon Brando on Monday.
Speaker 8:
[30:54] And James Mason.
Speaker 7:
[30:55] James Mason, who cares?
Speaker 8:
[30:58] It's not a bum.
Speaker 6:
[31:00] It's not a bum, but yeah.
Speaker 7:
[31:02] I didn't like do scenes from James Mason movies as a kid. Like, he did the waterfront scene over there in the cab. So all weekend, I'm working with Marlon Brando on Monday morning, first scene. It's like, it could be a nice little one act play. I was kind of thinking, who am I gonna drop from my friends? Who will be the first one I step on? Where are the little people? Which little people?
Speaker 8:
[31:31] Who are no longer worthy of hanging around with you because you're working with Brando.
Speaker 7:
[31:34] I'm already too good for everybody I know. So I get to the set, they take us up to Tarrytown in a convent, and there's all these nuns going around. Now they have men's room taped over the ladies, because there's no men's rooms in a ladies convent. Well, you know that. And I get there and I go, you know, and I'm like, I can hardly eat all weekend. I'm ill. I'm just so nervous and crazed. And I said, where's Mr. Brando's? Oh, Marlon quit the picture on Saturday. I go, oh, jeez. Who'd they get? Robert Preston. They got Robert Preston.
Speaker 6:
[32:10] The music man.
Speaker 7:
[32:11] And I'm more excited now than I was for Marlon Brando, because I knew everything from the music man. And he was wonderful. So I do the scene with him. And at the end of the scene, I do my little scene, it turns out okay. He turns to the crew and he goes, hey, everybody. You know that great voice? Hey, everybody! And I'm sitting there, I'm like high as, it was so sweet, Robert Preston. And I'm sitting there kind of waiting to do the next scene, next day, and David Merrick, the big Broadway impresario comes up and I'm actually reading The Great Gatsby. I don't know, it's like the last book I read.
Speaker 6:
[32:53] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[32:53] 1972. And I hear somebody say, what do you think of that book? I go, that's all right. I look up, it's David Merrick. Sits down next to me and a little later, he made it into the picture with Robert Redford. He was the producer. Sure. Amir Farrow. But that was all in the future. And he said, what do you think of it? I don't know. Yeah, it's not that great. I almost could have stopped that forgettable movie from ever being made.
Speaker 8:
[33:20] Yeah, it's not a very good one.
Speaker 7:
[33:21] And then Chakiris come, no. Okay, that was it.
Speaker 6:
[33:24] Now, James Mason once blew you in a men's room of a gas station.
Speaker 7:
[33:30] Yes. I'm just able to talk about it now. He put something in my drink. His balls. I think he put his balls in my drink, now that I think of it.
Speaker 6:
[33:41] I'm going to dip my balls in your drink.
Speaker 7:
[33:46] He's your drink. Oh, he's Jack Kennedy all of a sudden.
Speaker 6:
[33:50] Little Cagney there.
Speaker 7:
[33:51] I'm going to put my balls in your drink.
Speaker 6:
[33:55] You once blew James Cagney, I heard.
Speaker 7:
[33:57] I once blew James Cagney and a great Buchanan.
Speaker 6:
[34:01] Really?
Speaker 7:
[34:02] I was the baloney in a Cagney Buchanan sandwich.
Speaker 6:
[34:05] Pat O'Brien.
Speaker 7:
[34:07] He tore my aniline on a bus. Really? Yeah. I should be ashamed of my feelings? No, I don't think so.
Speaker 6:
[34:15] You licked. You ate out.
Speaker 7:
[34:17] I licked Steppy K's taint. What? Is there something wrong with that?
Speaker 6:
[34:24] Huh?
Speaker 7:
[34:25] I never forget. Steppy's taint was... Oh, wow. It wasn't at all the taint you picture when you picture Steppy K's taint. You know what I mean?
Speaker 8:
[34:38] I have some preconceived notions about it.
Speaker 7:
[34:40] Of course. And this is before people like Steppy K bleached their taint.
Speaker 6:
[34:44] Did you ever eat out?
Speaker 7:
[34:47] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[34:47] Frank McHugh's asshole.
Speaker 7:
[34:51] I... Frank McHugh's story. Frank McHugh loved to cram ice cream in his in his in his sink. Maple Walnut, if you really want to.
Speaker 8:
[35:02] It's a little specific.
Speaker 7:
[35:03] It's good for detail. It's good for radio. You want to be detailed in radio.
Speaker 8:
[35:08] Frank McHugh.
Speaker 6:
[35:08] It paints a nicer picture that way.
Speaker 7:
[35:11] Why does he got to paint a picture in radio? So just for TV, we can show a picture of his wrinkly, hairy sack.
Speaker 8:
[35:19] So you do the movie Child's Play and you all.
Speaker 7:
[35:22] I love how Frank can get it right out of sucking ice cream out of Frank McHugh's ass. Back on track.
Speaker 8:
[35:28] Somebody has to keep it going.
Speaker 7:
[35:29] Yeah.
Speaker 8:
[35:29] And you tell us about some of the auditions you did. You auditioned for the part of Fonzie.
Speaker 7:
[35:34] I almost was Fonzie.
Speaker 8:
[35:36] And tell us about that.
Speaker 7:
[35:37] And when you think of that, if that had happened, I wouldn't have to be here right now. No, that's not true.
Speaker 6:
[35:43] Can you do your Fonzie audition for us, please?
Speaker 8:
[35:49] We interviewed Henry, so that's not necessarily true.
Speaker 7:
[35:51] Did Henry tell you I was auditioning for you?
Speaker 6:
[35:52] He did. And you interviewed Micky Dolenz.
Speaker 8:
[35:55] And Micky Dolenz too.
Speaker 7:
[35:56] I once, you know, felched Micky Dolenz.
Speaker 6:
[36:01] What?
Speaker 7:
[36:01] I don't know.
Speaker 8:
[36:02] Tell us about the Fonzie audition. Was it memorable? Did you see Dolenz or Winkler?
Speaker 7:
[36:06] Dolenz was there too?
Speaker 8:
[36:07] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[36:07] No, he wasn't there when I was. I didn't know he was up for it. Well, it was after the Monkeys.
Speaker 8:
[36:11] He was supposedly Gary Marshall's choice for the part, because the Fonzie was supposed to be a big strapping guy.
Speaker 7:
[36:16] He was also up for Sophie's choice.
Speaker 8:
[36:18] I didn't know that.
Speaker 9:
[36:20] Personal.
Speaker 7:
[36:22] That would have been a whole other way to go.
Speaker 9:
[36:24] For Stingo.
Speaker 7:
[36:25] No, for Sophie. By the way, I have a third choice Sophie could have made, but there's no time for that. Well, I knew Henry from New York. We had both been fired from separate plays in this one theater that had two theaters in it. I was in one play, Henry was in the other one. We both got fired on the same day from the same theater, from different plays.
Speaker 8:
[36:45] What are the odds?
Speaker 7:
[36:47] So we were both up for this thing. Again, with my foreknowledge and my expertise, I thought this is shit too. I had the nerve at 21 to say The Great Gatsby wasn't that good.
Speaker 8:
[36:59] And Gilbert's interested in this. You played Ted Knight's son.
Speaker 7:
[37:01] I did.
Speaker 8:
[37:02] In the Ted Knight Show.
Speaker 7:
[37:04] I did six episodes of Ted.
Speaker 6:
[37:06] Now, is this the one where he's like a cartoonist?
Speaker 7:
[37:09] No, no.
Speaker 8:
[37:10] That was the hit one. That was too close for comfort.
Speaker 7:
[37:12] This was one that was so horrible. I played his son Winston. Now, this is at the very beginning. AIDS had not yet reared its cancerous head. And he plays, first of all...
Speaker 6:
[37:27] Hey, before you go any further, Ted Knight had a very small part in the Twilight Zone.
Speaker 7:
[37:34] And he was in Psycho.
Speaker 8:
[37:35] In Psycho.
Speaker 7:
[37:36] And Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Speaker 8:
[37:38] That's right.
Speaker 6:
[37:39] Oh, wow.
Speaker 7:
[37:40] I forgot about that. I want to talk to him about that.
Speaker 6:
[37:42] Yes. Call him now.
Speaker 8:
[37:44] But you were the son. Son in law.
Speaker 7:
[37:45] It's gonna be a long distance call, am I right? Oh, he was a very nice guy. And so I get this show. And talk about already not in any kind of reality at all. Ted Knight is the, runs a escort service for straight men. And he had all these women on him. One of them, no, it wasn't Maritz, but there's all these women. And he runs an escort service, like an up and up, oh, no, sexuality. It was like crazy. And I'm the teenage boy who just wants to make all these girls. And they did six episodes of it. And that was, and then I, if you've seen them, you know why I went into writing almost immediately after.
Speaker 6:
[38:30] God, that sounds horrible.
Speaker 7:
[38:32] Oh, God, it's horrible.
Speaker 8:
[38:33] Which brings me to the question, how did you make the transition into writing from acting?
Speaker 7:
[38:38] Well, I had started writing while I was writing while I was acting. I started writing at the Lampoon, National Lampoon at 21, me and Chris Guest, started writing articles and then the Radio Hour, National Lampoon Radio. So I'd be off doing some play in Boston or the Arena Theater or the Long War Theater, and I'd be sending in this stuff. And I was so much more talented backstage being funny. And I thought to myself in those days, what am I going to be, Uncle Bill on the Walton's 150th?
Speaker 6:
[39:08] What am I going to do?
Speaker 7:
[39:10] Where am I going with this? I was all right. Sometimes I was good. Sometimes I was too nervous and be good. You know, right? You know, but I mean, this is what I'm going to be. And I was so funny backstage. And I thought, you know, and it just sort of evolved, really. And then, gosh, Chris and I, I did a pilot called Flakes. We played two old Jewish women on a tandem walker and all this stuff. And then, and then really the thing that really, you know, I was doing a bunch of stuff, but the thing that really was a big break was Chevy hiring me to write his special, The Year He Left Saturday Night Live. And that was a big deal.
Speaker 8:
[39:44] The Chevy Chase special. Is that what it was called?
Speaker 7:
[39:46] Very good.
Speaker 8:
[39:47] Yeah. Well, you've done a lot of research.
Speaker 7:
[39:49] You've done your homework, my friend.
Speaker 8:
[39:50] What was that like?
Speaker 7:
[39:52] Well, it was great. But how I got the job? Well, I knew Chevy from the National Lampoon Radio Hour. You know, when we were up there with Bill Murray and Belushi and Brian Murray. And so I knew Chevy from Lenin.
Speaker 8:
[40:03] Belzer was around then too, wasn't he?
Speaker 7:
[40:04] Yeah. I didn't really, I really didn't get to know Belzer until later. But Chris Guest introduced me to him, actually. We've been good friends ever since. But so Chevy was gigantic then, you know, from Saturday Night Live. He leaves. He's the biggest star in the country. And he called me up. Well, one night, one day we were at a party at, this sounds name dropping, but I don't know anybody outside.
Speaker 8:
[40:24] You've already dropped Brando's name.
Speaker 7:
[40:27] I already dropped Chakiris.
Speaker 8:
[40:28] Right, and Perfecto.
Speaker 7:
[40:30] Yeah. And so I'm at a loft party after Saturday Night Live and Dan Hackrod's loft and Chevy Chase comes up to me and he, he knew Chris Guest very well. They roomed together out in LA and he sits down next to me, and he goes, I hear you're the funniest guy. And I just went, yeah, we thought that was so funny that I just said, yeah, without trying to be funny at all. And then a few weeks later, he leaves Saturday Night Live and I get a call from him and he says, look, Chevy, I want you to write my first special for NBC, but I only want you to do it if you can tell me that you actually said what I'm about to tell you that I heard you said. I said, well, what? Because Chris Guest Sisters are really good friends of mine. We've been friends since we were teenagers and I was doing this play in Boston, Moon Children. And she said, Tommy, can I come see your play? Oh, yeah. Can I stay with you? I said, sure. I'll stay three or four days. I said, stay free. And he thought that was so, he said, did you say that? I go, yeah. He goes, okay, I want you to write my special. And that's how I wrote it.
Speaker 8:
[41:30] And that was your first television gig.
Speaker 7:
[41:32] No, no, I'd done stuff before, but that was a big break.
Speaker 6:
[41:35] Now, Chevy is one of the... I've worked with him and I've run into him a few times. And he's one of those people, I can use that classic line of, well, he was always nice to me. Now, because he's got...
Speaker 7:
[41:54] He has that rep, but he's always been great to me.
Speaker 6:
[41:56] Yeah. Now, you worked on his roast.
Speaker 7:
[42:01] I worked on his roast. I worked on a few specials after that, after the pilot. And I was in the first Lampoon vacation movie. They redid the... I had this really funny part where I was... Remember Eddie Bracken was Wall-E. Sure, sure. Well, the original ending was Chevy and his family, they just drive up to his mansion and want something from Wall-E. But... and so I was Wall-E World's Wall-E's assistant and Chevy holds a gun on me and makes me tap dance. And I did like a whole tap dance. And then the movie comes out and they go to Wall-E World instead. They cut the whole end of the movie. They put John Candy in it. It was a better ending.
Speaker 8:
[42:43] Right, right, right.
Speaker 7:
[42:45] What was the question?
Speaker 1:
[42:46] Did you work with Bracken?
Speaker 7:
[42:48] I took Eddie Bracken to dinner at Musso's.
Speaker 8:
[42:50] That's great.
Speaker 7:
[42:51] After the shoot that day. He was great.
Speaker 8:
[42:54] He was great. There's a guy that probably had stories working with Sturgis.
Speaker 7:
[42:57] Interesting sack.
Speaker 8:
[43:00] It's a lot of detail.
Speaker 7:
[43:01] Tell me, when you picture Eddie Bracken's sack, what do you picture?
Speaker 8:
[43:04] Quick, quick.
Speaker 7:
[43:04] Don't think. All right. Sorry. Go ahead, Frank.
Speaker 8:
[43:08] And Steve Allen.
Speaker 7:
[43:09] Oh, I love Steve Allen.
Speaker 8:
[43:10] Tell us about working with Steve.
Speaker 7:
[43:12] That, no, he was my idol when I was growing up. I thought, God, how do you get that fast? When we were kids watching Steve Allen, I loved Steve Allen and Tom Poston and Don Knotts and Louis Nye. Louis Nye was one of my favorite comedians in the world. So right after the Chevy show, I sort of get all these shows like the McClellan Davis Summer Hour.
Speaker 8:
[43:31] Summer and I were talking about that.
Speaker 7:
[43:33] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 8:
[43:34] Marilyn McClellan from the Fifth Dimension.
Speaker 7:
[43:37] First day on that show, I went up to Billy Davis Jr. and I said, Come on, what's the truth? Why did you leave Will Mastin? And he went, Oh, yeah. But he didn't really like that I said that. Anyway, with Steve Allen, I just got hired to write on his show. He had back in this place, sounds like 1951, the Steve Allen Summer Show. But it was a summer show, summer replacement for six episodes on NBC. And I got hired just as a writer. And the first day of work, we're at a location at a movie theater on some sketch. I don't remember even what it was. And I'm standing next to Steve Allen, who I adored, you know, everybody of my generation, he's like the letterman of our generation. And he's very tall, he's like 6'4, and he had a little round bandaid on his neck. You know, like when you have a pimple or cut yourself shaving. So I'm standing right next to him. And I swear, I don't know where I got the balls to do this, but I just reached up high and put my finger on the bandaid in his neck. And I just held it there and I went, Gwen, bring my car, have them bring my car around. Tell Tony I want to hit a shave, I want to have my shoes, I want to have a manicure, the whole deal. And I just left it on there for a really long time. He just fucking laughed his head off. And then he puts me on the show because I wrote this piece for myself in it. And Catherine O'Hara was a writer too, and she puts us both on. And we ended up singing and dancing with Kaye Ballard and Donald O'Connor.
Speaker 8:
[45:05] Surreal.
Speaker 6:
[45:05] Wow.
Speaker 7:
[45:06] Yeah. And do we have time for a Donald O'Connor story?
Speaker 6:
[45:09] Sure.
Speaker 8:
[45:10] We got about an hour and 20 minutes.
Speaker 7:
[45:12] We'll get back to more jewelry made from. But so Donald O'Connor, I mean, way even better than Frank Fetistero or Gene Kelly. I love Donald O'Connor. Love Donald O'Connor. And that's what I really wanted to be. It was like one of those guys, you know?
Speaker 6:
[45:29] You want to be a hoover?
Speaker 7:
[45:30] Yeah. I just wanted to be like Donald O'Connor.
Speaker 6:
[45:32] I don't know.
Speaker 7:
[45:33] And he's, we're doing, Steve had us doing dancing and like a review with stools, like a Plaza Nine review. And this, it was corny. And Catherine O'Hara was in it. We were the two young people in tuxes and gowns. And Kaye Ballard and Donald were, you know, it's like one of those bad reviews, you know, you know, like from gay bars to zay bars, you know, one of those things you see in the early 60s at Plaza Nine review. And it was whatever. But so after rehearsal one day, Donald O'Connor said to me, Tommy, and he's like all through the day, smoking chain, smoking Marlboro's and putting nitroglycerin under his tongue, nitroglycerin pills under his tongue. And smoking. And he says to me, Tommy, you know what? I have a gorgeous velvet jacket, brown velvet. And I wore it in this picture with Marilyn Monroe. My name is still sewed into it from MGM. Donald O'Connor. I wore it in this dance scene with Marilyn Monroe.
Speaker 8:
[46:28] No business like show business?
Speaker 7:
[46:30] And I'm too fat for it. Now I got it home. I'm going to bring it to you tomorrow. I go, my God, Donald O'Connor is bringing me the Cody Warren. You know, it was like when I got the part on the Brando. Whole night, I can't even sleep. And I'm thinking, this will just be the beginning of Donald O'Connor and my friendship. You know? The coach starts it up. He probably has like a cufflinks that he wore. I'm already like grave robbing him, you know? And I'm so excited. I can't even stand it. And I get to the parking lot at the studio early before anybody. I'm just waiting for him to pull up in his car so that it looks like I'm just walking by. I can't wait to get the car. So he pulls up, you know, and I get out. I make it look like I'm just kind of going in. I wasn't waiting for him. And he gets out of the car, doesn't have the coat. And he goes, hey, tell me, hey, Donald, hi, Mr. Hey, Donald, yeah. Never mentions the coat again. And I never brought it up. And that's why I can't read.
Speaker 8:
[47:29] So you never got the coat?
Speaker 7:
[47:30] I never got the coat. People say, well, why didn't you ask him? I'm not going to ask him. I don't want to embarrass him.
Speaker 8:
[47:36] Wow.
Speaker 7:
[47:37] Now you make it out. What do you make of that? Gilbert, you're into psychology.
Speaker 6:
[47:40] I stopped listening to the story a while ago. Because it, let's get back. It kind of dragged along and has no ending whatsoever. That's the thing about that story.
Speaker 7:
[47:53] Watch his eyes light up, Frank. Watch it. King Donovan.
Speaker 6:
[48:02] And then it's kind of like a joke that has no punchline.
Speaker 7:
[48:05] Well, you're trying to ask me, Mike. Let's not talk about my career anymore. It's boring.
Speaker 6:
[48:08] Okay. You've met Jerry Lewis a few times.
Speaker 7:
[48:13] Yeah. Wonderful. We went to, Belzer became like his son. He even called him dad.
Speaker 6:
[48:22] It's so weird. What is happening there with Belzer and Jerry Lewis? They're like a couple now.
Speaker 7:
[48:30] It's like a long lost son.
Speaker 8:
[48:32] And the dog.
Speaker 7:
[48:33] And the dog.
Speaker 8:
[48:34] Yeah. Of course, the dog's always got to be there.
Speaker 7:
[48:36] Belzer's a therapy dog. It's not a therapy dog. Belzer took his dog to see Spamalot.
Speaker 6:
[48:43] Oh, yeah. He's with that dog every day.
Speaker 7:
[48:45] Imagine you buy tickets for way a year to get tickets to Spamalot and Belzer's sitting there with his dog.
Speaker 8:
[48:50] The dog in its own seat.
Speaker 7:
[48:52] I don't know.
Speaker 8:
[48:53] Interesting.
Speaker 7:
[48:54] He just says he's a therapy dog. He's not really a therapy dog.
Speaker 6:
[48:57] No, of course.
Speaker 7:
[48:58] So anyway, Belzer arranges for Jerry Lewis, who had a daughter the age of my daughter's at the time, like 13, and to have brunch on a Saturday morning at Fiorello's in the back room. Again, I can't believe I'm meeting these people because it's like, if I had thought as a kid in Miami, it's like me going to, you know, in the NASA program or something I would never get these moments to be with these people that I absolutely worship. I had once we had to be rushed to the hospital because of Jerry. I told Jerry this story and we had this brunch at Fiorello. I would get asthma whenever I would get extremely happy, I would get blue and wet my pants and be rushed to the hospital. Every birthday party, my mom would bring out the cake and the kids were there. I would be so happy, I just be so happy that I could breathe blackout. Pants would be wet, rushed out. I come back, my brothers are fighting over my presence and stuff. One day with him and Dean, I'm watching, I'm like six or seven, they're still together and they're at the ball game and Jerry's eating peanuts and he's with a beautiful chick and Jerry's watching the game stuffing peanuts and he chokes and he grabs Dean, he takes Dean and he says, Dean, Dean, I got a peanut in my neck. I thought that was in his neck. I have a peanut in my neck.
Speaker 6:
[50:25] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[50:27] I got laughing so hysterically. I had to go, my doctor had to come over and give me adrenaline.
Speaker 8:
[50:33] Really?
Speaker 7:
[50:35] I told Jerry that story. He goes, yeah, that's pretty funny. Anyway, he was lovely, he was great.
Speaker 8:
[50:41] Well, Gilbert, you've met him too.
Speaker 7:
[50:42] Oh yeah, you've met him a hundred times.
Speaker 6:
[50:43] See, I was hoping this story would end.
Speaker 7:
[50:45] Then he says he had a coat.
Speaker 6:
[50:47] He had a double-coated coat. I walked in and there was Jerry Lewis What do you want me to do? wearing Donald O'Connor's jacket.
Speaker 7:
[50:56] Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.
Speaker 8:
[50:58] You met him, you ran into him recently, didn't you, Gil?
Speaker 6:
[51:00] Yes, yeah. I ran into him and I had the pleasure of saying he said, Gilbert, you crazy cocksucker.
Speaker 7:
[51:12] That's pretty nice.
Speaker 8:
[51:13] It's flattering.
Speaker 7:
[51:15] Wish he had insulted me in that manner.
Speaker 8:
[51:17] Well, tell us about seeing Jessel on the Queen Mary. Gilbert said, and you wanted to mention Whit Bissell, I think now would be the time.
Speaker 7:
[51:26] Well, let me whip my Bissell for a minute.
Speaker 8:
[51:28] Because Gilbert used to do Whit Bissell and Jessel.
Speaker 7:
[51:30] I love that.
Speaker 6:
[51:31] Oh, it's too long a bit. It would be kind of like your Donald O'Connor story.
Speaker 7:
[51:36] Yeah, I see what you mean. Thanks. You're right.
Speaker 6:
[51:39] Yeah. Did I ever tell you about the time I was working with Donald O'Connor? Yeah. And he said, I've got a pair of shoes.
Speaker 7:
[51:47] I got a pair of shirts. I wore in Bermuda Farewell with Helen Cling and Bill Lundy. Bill Lundy.
Speaker 6:
[51:58] And you know, Lundy would be... I saw him the next day and he didn't have the shoes.
Speaker 7:
[52:03] I guess you're right. It doesn't really have an ending, does it?
Speaker 8:
[52:05] Well, it's a sad ending, but it's still an ending.
Speaker 7:
[52:07] Well, it's kind of a... Oh, I have another story. Can I tell a story about...
Speaker 6:
[52:10] It should end down with a stutter.
Speaker 7:
[52:13] Yes, it's every bit is good.
Speaker 8:
[52:15] Why does every story have to end funny?
Speaker 7:
[52:17] Hey, Gilbert, what's the matter with you? Now this... I'm 12 years old. I'm taking action.
Speaker 6:
[52:23] You are?
Speaker 7:
[52:24] Not now, not currently.
Speaker 6:
[52:26] I'm sorry.
Speaker 7:
[52:26] But thank you. It's nice if you don't say that. I have the body of a 12-year-old. It's in my crawl space, actually. But I'm taking acting lessons at 12. I know I want to be in showbiz. And in Miami, in Coral Gables, there was a theater called the Studio M. And every year, Tennessee Williams would write these plays in Key West and bring them up to the Studio M and kind of workshop them and stuff, Sweet Bird of Youth, all this stuff. And the woman who ran the theater was like a big shot in Miami in the early 60s, big Ruth Foreman. And I'm the only kid in the acting class. They're all adults. And she says, next week, bring in a piece that really is meaningful for you. Could be anything. Could be anything. Now, at the time, I was just in love with the Jolson story, with Larry Parks. Oh, my God. Crazy about it. Had the record. I loved everything. I would just stay in my room and mime Larry Parks. Imitate Larry Parks, imitating Al Jolson. So I decided I'm going to mime. There's a rainbow around my shoulder and the sky blue above. Let it rain and storm, I'll keep warm, because I'm in love. I did the whole move. I had everyone, 12. Chubby from the quarter zone. And I end up on one knee and I think, this is going to kill. This is going to be great. I bring the record to Studio M. You know, other people got up and did scenes from Uncle Vanya and the Rainmaker. All right, Tom, you're next. I go up, I give the guy the record, Jolson record. He puts it, you know, the record puts it on. There's a rainbow around my shoulder and the sky blue above. You know, I do the whole thing. Let it rain and storm. I'll keep warm because I'm in love. And I get down on one knee, my arms are stretched out like Al Jolson, you know, in a mammy pose. And records going like that. She takes it off, I'm still, my arms are stretched. She's in the front row, Ruth Foreman, long pause. Doesn't say anything. Finally, I got to stand up, you know, she still doesn't say anything. Finally, she says, you know, all the students are looking at her, what's she going to say? I'm 12 years old. And she goes, record pantomime is the lowest form of show business.
Speaker 8:
[54:46] Wow. Oh, it's not even true because ventriloquism is the lowest form of show business.
Speaker 7:
[54:52] Thank you. That's exactly what I told her.
Speaker 8:
[54:54] It's not even accurate.
Speaker 7:
[54:55] I think geek. It's under geek. It's right under geek for sure.
Speaker 6:
[54:59] Even better than the Al Jolson story was Jolson Sings Again.
Speaker 7:
[55:05] But better than that is what you reminded me of, and I've looked it up on YouTube, the Eddie Cantor ending.
Speaker 6:
[55:11] Oh my God, yes.
Speaker 7:
[55:13] Talk about surreal.
Speaker 6:
[55:14] Yeah, because Keith Brazil is playing him throughout the whole movie.
Speaker 7:
[55:18] I just want to applaud Keith Brazil.
Speaker 6:
[55:20] And then at the very end is an old, depressed, sickly looking Eddie Cantor.
Speaker 7:
[55:27] He just had a heart attack just when they said Rolland comes in.
Speaker 6:
[55:32] And I think-
Speaker 7:
[55:32] And his wife will look like William Bendix with a wig.
Speaker 6:
[55:37] And it's like they're watching the movie, the Eddie Cantor story.
Speaker 7:
[55:41] They're watching the movie that we just had to sit through.
Speaker 6:
[55:43] And then she goes, How are you, Eddie? And he goes, I've never felt better in my life.
Speaker 7:
[55:53] Now, when I saw that, you reminded me of that one.
Speaker 6:
[55:56] It was suicidal.
Speaker 7:
[55:57] But also, what the hell is going on? Is he in the movie? Is that another guy? It's like when Eddie, if I may, you remember the Eddie Duchin story?
Speaker 6:
[56:07] Oh, yes.
Speaker 7:
[56:08] The Tyrone Power. Sure. Kim Novak with those great cans.
Speaker 6:
[56:10] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[56:11] So I was a kid when that came out, and I'm watching that. I had the music by, oh gosh, Carmen Cavallaro played the music, right? So I'm watching that movie, and at the end of it, we know he's going to die, Eddie Duchin.
Speaker 6:
[56:25] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[56:25] You reading your mail, Frank?
Speaker 8:
[56:28] Just looking for something to ask you, buddy.
Speaker 6:
[56:32] If this story is anything like the Donald O'Connor story, Just waiting for this story to peter out. I'm going to start reading my mail.
Speaker 7:
[56:40] It's not as good.
Speaker 6:
[56:41] I'm going to read my phone bill.
Speaker 7:
[56:43] I'm going to read my SAG card. So an old movie, he's dying for the whole movie, Eddie Duchin. Then he ignores his son for the whole movie. By the end of it, he's in his grand Central Park apartment, and he has two pianos there, and he's playing piano with his son. But his son knows that Eddie Duchin is going to die any minute. So he's playing piano with his son, and all of a sudden Tyrone Powers, Eddie Duchin, he gets like he, obviously, he's getting sick and his son, they cut to his son is looking at him, and Eddie is missing notes on the keyboard, and they cut to his son again. And when they cut back, the doors have swung open, there's wind coming in, and he's disappeared. And I thought to myself, what kind of disease is this? Well, your suit disappears. All right. Sorry.
Speaker 6:
[57:30] Now, now, also in the Eddie Cantor story, some guy runs in to Eddie's apartment with the most phony-looking nose.
Speaker 7:
[57:43] Oh, I was going to say newspaper.
Speaker 6:
[57:44] Yeah, a phony-looking big nose.
Speaker 7:
[57:47] Durante?
Speaker 6:
[57:48] Yeah. And he's going, Hey, Eddie, hot cha-cha.
Speaker 7:
[57:53] Like you said, hot cha-cha all the time.
Speaker 6:
[57:54] Yeah, in real life, all the time. But the best part of The Al Jolson Sings Again is when Larry Parks as Larry Parks meets Larry Parks as Al Jolson.
Speaker 7:
[58:09] It's Pirandello.
Speaker 6:
[58:11] And it's in the worst split-screen effects ever.
Speaker 7:
[58:15] Wow. Off-subject, fortunately. I was thinking the other day, I woke up, and you know how things come to you in there just as soon as you wake up. You know how Woody Allen used to have that bit, what he would think of to keep from coming the baseball? Oh, sure. Keep from premature ejaculation? Yeah. I thought, what if, you know, you could also like imagine, if you really had a problem with it, you had to go more than that, you could imagine Abin Costello fucking. Lou! Lou! Our pal Drew Freeman. Give it to me! Give it to me, Lou! Now look at your dead loo! You broke the condom.
Speaker 6:
[59:14] Hey, look.
Speaker 7:
[59:15] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[59:16] I've said this in a few of the podcasts already, and I don't care. My favorite death scene.
Speaker 7:
[59:22] Yes. Can it get hotter in here? I feel like Alec Guinness in the fridge. He's in that box.
Speaker 8:
[59:26] We're gonna wrap it up in a minute.
Speaker 7:
[59:29] The little box they put him in.
Speaker 6:
[59:30] My favorite death scene of all time is in the Bud and Lou story.
Speaker 7:
[59:37] Yes, I know. You've told me that.
Speaker 6:
[59:39] Tell it again.
Speaker 7:
[59:41] Tell it again. But your beef always was that Buddy Hackett was so slow as well. Awful.
Speaker 8:
[59:48] Bad timing.
Speaker 6:
[59:50] What's your guy's name on stretch?
Speaker 7:
[59:57] Do you think he said that we're short?
Speaker 6:
[60:03] So he's lying in the hospital bed after a heart attack. And Artie Johnson from Laughin is his agent.
Speaker 8:
[60:10] And he's Sherman.
Speaker 7:
[60:11] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[60:13] And he goes and he goes and Artie reaches under his jacket and takes out a strawberry malted. And he goes, this is because you were a good boy because all the time he's going, I'm a bad boy.
Speaker 7:
[60:32] Give me your cock load. I'm a bad boy.
Speaker 6:
[60:35] He takes a sip. He's in the hospital bed very weak, but he hacked it as Lucas Dell takes a sip of this. And he goes, I know, Eddie, I had a lot of stuff every mortgage in my day, but this one's the best. And he closes his eyes and dies.
Speaker 7:
[60:58] It's brilliant.
Speaker 8:
[60:59] It's like Camille.
Speaker 7:
[61:00] You think that Eddie put something in there? Just to get out of the movie? Just so the movie would end?
Speaker 8:
[61:06] We have to wrap it up, but...
Speaker 6:
[61:08] Oh, but I forgot...
Speaker 7:
[61:09] I got more stories.
Speaker 6:
[61:10] Okay. And then, but then...
Speaker 7:
[61:13] I got even worse stories.
Speaker 6:
[61:15] Then, when you think he's dead, he opens his eyes again and goes, Did I ever tell you when I met Donald O'Connor? He gave me his shirt. That's another callback.
Speaker 7:
[61:29] He promised to do some little kiddie show.
Speaker 8:
[61:33] Now, you've written some classic television episodes, which I know our listeners are Seinfeld fans. You wrote the Babu episode of Seinfeld.
Speaker 7:
[61:40] I created Babu Bath, The Cafe and Suicide, Drake's Cakes 1 and JF. Kennedy, Kennedy Assassination. I was one of the writers on that. And, you know, contributed.
Speaker 8:
[61:51] And Achiever Letters with Kramer.
Speaker 7:
[61:53] Yeah. My mother also wrote other series. My Mother the Chimp.
Speaker 6:
[61:56] Now, when you were on A Bridge for Jimmy.
Speaker 8:
[61:59] Yep.
Speaker 7:
[61:59] Remember?
Speaker 6:
[61:59] I heard when you were a writer on Seinfeld, that Seinfeld one time said to you, you know, I have a jacket.
Speaker 8:
[62:08] No!
Speaker 6:
[62:09] How dare you? I'm kind of fat now.
Speaker 7:
[62:13] Yeah. But you know, one thing Jerry did like, though, I would do a bit for Jerry and Larry where I sort of perfected it. It was an actor coming in to read for a role. And he's reading the role and he accidentally farts during the reading. And it's all the network executives and the women and the secretaries are there. And he's so embarrassed reading it that he has a stroke and the left side of his face and body are paralyzed. And he has to drag himself with just the drool out of it and going at the end. Just because he farted, he's so embarrassed, he had a grand mal seizure. Good night everybody.
Speaker 8:
[62:57] I want to plug your book before we go. Which you can still find on Amazon. Milton Marty, the longest lasting and least successful comedy writing duo in showbiz history. Thank you. With cover art by our old pal, Drew Friedman. Our pal, Drew Friedman. And it's a hilarious book. And you can still get it on Amazon.
Speaker 7:
[63:14] Gilbert, where are you appearing?
Speaker 6:
[63:15] Nowhere. After this. It's over. I'll be doing my one man show called My Meeting with Donald O'Connor.
Speaker 7:
[63:23] Listen, any of these stories you want to use? Anyone.
Speaker 6:
[63:27] If I may right now, one time I was working with Donald O'Connor.
Speaker 7:
[63:32] Is it just me now?
Speaker 8:
[63:33] Courageable, isn't he?
Speaker 7:
[63:34] I wouldn't courage him.
Speaker 8:
[63:35] You want to take us out on the George Jessel story?
Speaker 6:
[63:38] Oh, yes.
Speaker 7:
[63:38] Real quick. I'm working on a special with Rob Reiner, Chris Gaston, Harry Shearer.
Speaker 8:
[63:44] Actually, just to interject, the TV show.
Speaker 7:
[63:46] The TV show.
Speaker 8:
[63:47] Was that the first appearance of Spinal Tap?
Speaker 7:
[63:49] Yeah, very first appearance of Spinal Tap.
Speaker 6:
[63:50] Paul Shaffer tells me Harry Shearer hates me.
Speaker 7:
[63:57] Anyway, how am I supposed to say to that?
Speaker 6:
[64:00] Harry hates you.
Speaker 7:
[64:01] Harry hates me.
Speaker 6:
[64:02] Harry hates you. Oh, okay.
Speaker 7:
[64:03] Harry doesn't hate you. You had a problem.
Speaker 6:
[64:05] Yeah.
Speaker 8:
[64:05] He was nice to me.
Speaker 7:
[64:06] That's what I mean.
Speaker 6:
[64:07] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[64:08] I rest my case.
Speaker 8:
[64:09] I don't know what it is, Gil.
Speaker 7:
[64:10] Yeah, I rest my case. So we hear. So we hear that. We hear that someone goes, hey, guys, you guys are like this. George Jessel is doing an afternoon show at four in the afternoon. It's like a great time to appear in the theater at the Queen Mary, which is now in Dry Dock in Long Beach. But it's already like three and he's going on at 430 and we're in the valley. So we go, well, don't we have to write the rest of the show? Fuck that. George Jessel is appearing in the Queen Mary. So we drive so fast.
Speaker 8:
[64:50] Who is it, you, Reiner?
Speaker 7:
[64:51] Reiner, Harry, Chris Guest. That was it.
Speaker 8:
[64:54] Okay.
Speaker 7:
[64:54] Maybe somebody else, I don't remember. So we get there, we run up the gangplank. Like the end of, like, On the Town, the free sale is done. And we get in there, we go to the grand ballroom of the Queen Mary now and there's three old women with oxygen in their noses and the tanks and everything. And we go right down, we're in time. Thank God we're in time, you know, we drove like maniacs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. George E. Jessel, the Toastmaster General, he's wheeled out in a wheelchair and he's wearing the Eisenhower jacket with the metals and the tube with his price tag still on it. You know, that one turned to the right, you know, the tube is facing, the tube is facing to the side, and every time he turns his head, the tube stays in the same place, but he turns his head and hello everybody, welcome to the show and he started doing these bits and like we just couldn't believe it. He did Hello Mama, you remember Hello Mama.
Speaker 6:
[65:53] Hello Mama, this is your son.
Speaker 7:
[65:56] So, George Jessel is 97 and he's doing a phone call to his mama. Hello Mama, and mama is trying to make him go out with a girl, a daughter of one of her friends, and he's going with the teeth, trying to keep the teeth in. Just keeping the teeth in was already a major. There's a thing called glue for the head. He put the glue from the hair on his teeth and then whatever, and he goes, Hello Mama, what mama? Mama, I don't want to meet a what mama? I don't want to meet a young girl, mom.
Speaker 2:
[66:28] What mama?
Speaker 7:
[66:31] Ninety-seven years ago, in the meadows, in the Eisenhower jacket. What mama? I'm not going to come over to Mrs. Raberwitz's house and meet Yedda. What?
Speaker 6:
[66:42] No mama.
Speaker 7:
[66:44] And so finally, he does all that stuff and we're just, and he's always got the eye dripping, you know, he's got the drip. The eye is dripping some kind of viscous, some kind of viscous fluid.
Speaker 6:
[66:55] Some goo.
Speaker 7:
[66:55] Just God knows what. It's like, I don't know what, like fluid from like any cancer fluid is coming out of his eyes. And at the end of the show, and we're like pulverized, just not trying not to laugh and just can't believe our good fortune. And finally goes, well, you know what time it is now, now there's only one woman died, the other two are being frozen. The other two women are being frozen. And he says, take this chair away, take it away. And we hear this music and it's, you're a grand old flag. He stands up and goes, you're a grand old flag. And he's standing up like a teeter and flying flag. And it was, you know, that's no way to hear it.
Speaker 6:
[67:38] Did he do?
Speaker 7:
[67:39] He gave me his Eisenhower jacket.
Speaker 6:
[67:41] Oh, really? Yes, yes. See?
Speaker 7:
[67:44] I brought it all the way around.
Speaker 6:
[67:45] It would have been better if you said, and then he said, you know, I have a jacket here from Donald O'Connor.
Speaker 7:
[67:52] I wore it in the USO show with Kaye Mae Questel.
Speaker 6:
[67:55] Did Donald O'Connor, Mae Questel, who was Betty Boop? Betty Boop, yes.
Speaker 7:
[68:00] Thank you.
Speaker 6:
[68:01] George Jessel, did he do it?
Speaker 7:
[68:08] We all went like, yeah, yeah, alright. We used to do a thing. We'd go to see our gang, you're part of it too, where we go. We went to see this guy, Nick Edanetti, who did a show called The Playography.
Speaker 8:
[68:22] The Bad Entertainment Nights.
Speaker 7:
[68:23] The Bad Entertainment Nights. There's this guy, Nick Edanetti, who did an evening of Frank Sinatra's life called The Playography. He was in a Chinese restaurant in the Valley. Harry Shearer said, I'm going to give him five minutes. We're going to go see this guy, Nick Edanetti do Sinatra, The Playography. Now, the first time we saw it, of course, we saw it many times after that, there was other people in it. There was a guy playing, a woman who would play all the parts like, what was her name, the no chin woman who, the columnist, Katie Kilgallen. Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 8:
[68:52] Dorothy Kilgallen.
Speaker 7:
[68:53] Dorothy Kilgallen. And then finally, there was a whole thing where he wouldn't pay anybody. So the next time we went to see it was just him doing all the lines. Okay, that's it. No ending. And he ended up managing Sly Stone.
Speaker 6:
[69:08] Oh, now Sly Stone, is he living out on the street now? That's what I heard.
Speaker 7:
[69:16] Is he alive even? Yeah, he's alive. Well, he's got the whole family Stone. Can't they take them in? Take them in? He's got a whole family Stone to ask to...
Speaker 6:
[69:25] I heard sometimes he puts on an artificial nose and goes, ha-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo.
Speaker 7:
[69:30] Now, it ain't, dink-a-dink-a-dink. Oh, come on, Jimmy, stop that. You're not on stage now. Inka-dink-a-dinky. I took out Jimmy Durante's daughter once. You did? Yeah. Real quick. She gave me blow. Imagine Jimmy Durante's daughter gave me blow.
Speaker 6:
[69:46] And I heard when you...
Speaker 7:
[69:48] You think it would be a lot, because Jimmy Durante had a big nose. No. Not that I took the blow.
Speaker 6:
[69:54] No, when you were fucking her.
Speaker 7:
[69:57] I didn't, hey, I never said that.
Speaker 6:
[69:59] Did she go, ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-ka-ka-dink-a-dinky-doo? Everybody tries to get into my cunt.
Speaker 7:
[70:08] Stop the... Stop the semen. Stop the semen.
Speaker 9:
[70:15] Oh, good fun.
Speaker 7:
[70:17] Good clean fun.
Speaker 8:
[70:18] Tell us real quick what Gene Bailoff said to you at the Friars Club when you asked him how he was doing.
Speaker 6:
[70:21] He said, goodbye, Mrs. Calabay.
Speaker 7:
[70:24] We're people.
Speaker 8:
[70:27] The great Gene Bailoff.
Speaker 7:
[70:28] Lou, put it in, Lou. Sure.
Speaker 8:
[70:37] Sure. Gilbert's a fan.
Speaker 7:
[70:38] Paul Shaffer went in there one day to have lunch at the Friars. We go, Gene Bailoff is there. And Paul says to Gene Bailoff, hey Gene, how are you doing? He says, not good, Paul. I just came from the doctor's. He put a glass tube in my prick. All right. Good to know, Gene. The golden years, you know what I mean? Well, you can't top that.
Speaker 6:
[71:00] We've been talking to Tom Leopold.
Speaker 7:
[71:03] Is the engineer still here? Did Frank go home?
Speaker 6:
[71:06] We've been talking to Tom Leopold.
Speaker 7:
[71:08] Should I retell the story?
Speaker 6:
[71:09] Here at Nutmeg Post. And thank you. A guest of Frank V.
Speaker 8:
[71:14] Thank you, Frank. Thanks, Nutmeg.
Speaker 6:
[71:15] I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And Tom Leopold is going to come back another time and tell us parts he left out of the Donald O'Connor story.
Speaker 7:
[71:34] I left like the real good funny crap out of it. I'll just come back and tell you the really funny crap that I forgot.
Speaker 6:
[71:42] Thanks, Tommy.
Speaker 7:
[71:43] Thank you, guys. I love you. Love you, too. Love you back.