transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:03] Well, Focus on the Family has been around for 49 years. It's incredible. I mean, we're approaching 50 years old. We've been doing a lot of stuff for a long time to equip you as a parent. Now, one of the things, Dr. Danny Huerta, you head up our parenting team, one of the things I think people have this impression of is that there's a formula, that if I do X, Y, and Z, I'm gonna get this output. And you can't approach parenting in any way, shape, or form with a formula outcome in mind, can you?

Speaker 2:
[00:34] No, I mean, the only way you use a formula is with your infant sometimes.

Speaker 1:
[00:39] That's good.

Speaker 2:
[00:39] Thanks for reminding me that I oversee parenting, John. That was great.

Speaker 1:
[00:42] Well, I'm letting the listener be reminded of that.

Speaker 2:
[00:45] That's funny. So John, there's no formula to parenting other than really having a very solid relationship with Christ. Right? That's the one thing. And having a regular prayer life. And we get asked, how often should I be praying with my kids? How often should I be reading scripture? And really, it's about as much as you can. If you can do it daily, that's fantastic. And if you can do it weekly, that's great. That's a good start. The more you do it, you'll notice that the more you're connected to Christ, and the more that you feel at ease and at peace with what's in front of you, it makes you more adaptive. And that's one of the seven traits we talk about here. Seven traits of effective parenting is adaptability. And the final trait, the seventh is gratitude. And if we can teach our kids about gratitude for God with us, it creates this adaptive mind. But if we are in prayer and constantly recognizing what God is providing for us, that He's this mighty Heavenly Father that loves us and we're thankful for that, the more we do that with our kids, the more adaptive we become when hard times come and they will come. I mean, this is the reality of the life we're in. And so as parents, don't go towards guilt here. I encourage you not to go towards guilt. Man, I'm not doing it enough. It's really about, are you missing out just on some opportunities? Have it be a FOMO moment for you. We're always fear missing out on all kinds of things. Have this be it. You're missing out on invitations from your heavenly father to say, I'm right here. I'm waiting for you. Let's hang out for a few minutes. And you get to lead your family towards that. And if you're going towards guilt, figure out why. This isn't great. You're not getting A, Bs or Cs. This is, hey, you might be missing out on something.

Speaker 1:
[02:38] Yeah. I remember we had a colleague who would spend about five minutes with each of his children at bedtime, just talking with them and praying for them. I was inspired by that, but I had five children at the time and I thought, how can I spend a half hour every night with my kids, just tucking them into bed? That's a lot of energy and time that I cannot manage. And so I was struggling because bedtimes were kind of rough. And that's why I'm really glad to have this clip that we're about to listen to and watch, Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. That show featured Justin Earley and he had a great thing that he discovered to help him kind of navigate the difficulties at bedtime. It was bedtime liturgy.

Speaker 3:
[03:23] Now you mentioned the idea of bedtime liturgy. Now people may not even realize. Liturgy for many people is you put on a robe and you strike incense and you're humming. That's not what we're talking about. You're talking about a rhythm of life. And this was your pastor that made this suggestion. What did he tell you?

Speaker 4:
[03:38] Yeah, so into that moment of grace came a moment of community, which I think is really important to name. I took that failure of that evening and I went and talked to my pastor. And he suggested I try a bedtime liturgy, which is probably sounding as foreign to everybody else as it did to me in that moment. But it was just this idea of a bedtime routine shaped in spiritual practice, you know, prayer and a devotion. And I came back and wrote my first quote unquote bedtime liturgy. And I'll tell you what I wrote. Here's how it went. I had this list of questions I was going to ask the boys. And I actually wrote it down on a sticky note. And it was going to be, can you see my eyes? They would say yes. Then I'd say, can you see that I see your eyes? They would say yes. And I'd say, do you know that I love you? Yes. You know that I love you no matter what bad things you do? Yes. You know that I love you no matter what good things you do? Yes. And then I'd end with, who else loves you like that? They would say, God does. And I'd say, you rest in that love. Really sweet, sentimental, it'll go back and forth. It sounds great.

Speaker 3:
[04:36] Sounds great. Then you had to live up to it.

Speaker 4:
[04:39] Oh my gosh. I could, the first time I did it with him, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say. They took the eye thing as an invitation to poke me in the eye. You know, can you see my eyes? Yeah, they're right there. They didn't get the answers right. I said, do you know that I love you no matter what bad things you do? They thought about it for a second. No. That doesn't seem like that. So it was a moment where what I realized was nothing's normal until it is. And I had already written a book on habits as spiritual formation. So I knew a little bit about nothing is normal until it is. And particularly in the family, you can make lots of things normal for better or worse. So we persevered. And the high point of this story for me was about two weeks later, we had practiced this a couple of times, and then I have a night just like the first one. Bath water on the floor. Everybody's misbehaving, including me. But my youngest son got into bed and said, can we have our bedtime blessing now? And we had this little exchange about the love of God for us, me and them, that he loves us no matter what. That message of grace, that he loves us no matter the good things or the bad things, and that we can rest in that love. And I remember closing the door that night and thinking, wow, the circumstances of the evening were all the same, but I was really different. Because this habit, this new routine, meant that I was now focusing on this meaningful moment with them, instead of on just managing the chaos and getting out of it. And it really, that was the moment where I realized, okay, a parenting habit can take ordinary moments and open up new pathways of grace, where you respond differently to the chaos, because there's always gonna be chaos.

Speaker 3:
[06:14] Well, and so often the key is remembering how to express these things. You know, when you talk to a negotiator, a hostage negotiator, they're so skilled at bringing down the temperature. A counselor can do that. They're very good at it. You know, when you talk to your spouse, say this, honey, I really didn't intend to do that. I know I hurt your feelings, but I didn't mean to. Will you forgive me? Now, that sounds great. Everybody's going, ah, we just don't practice it. We say, hey, I said I was sorry. Isn't that enough? I actually know that's not enough. So so much of it is how we deliver it. And for your kids to see that change in you, that's gold.

Speaker 4:
[06:56] And I really like your point there because I think it gets at something really important with Habits of the Household and that is that we don't parent by words alone. Words are really important. What we say and what we teach and what we read are really important. But there is this vast realm that we would call our presence. What does it feel like to live with you? What does your face look like when you correct them? What is the body temperature? What is the mood? And I think for a parent to learn how those bodily skills of a negotiator, to bring the temperature down and remain a gentle, non-anxious presence, as you deliver the words, is an enormous part of your children's spiritual formation. And that's really what I want parents to focus on. What does it feel like to live in your house? And how can you make it a place that feels like a place of grace and the gospel?

Speaker 1:
[07:45] Well, I feel like so many of these episodes are for me, because Justin had some great invitations to use our words powerfully. I am guilty of tone. I have this tone to me that is corrective, that is either corrective of the words, or the behavior, or the attitude. And I've been working on it.

Speaker 2:
[08:05] I felt that from you, John.

Speaker 1:
[08:06] Well, I know you felt it. I'm sure you have. It's been something the Lord's been working on me. But as a parent, how do I get a handle on all this stuff, Danny? Because I heard what you said earlier, model Christ, be a student, a discoverer of Jesus and His word. And I'm doing that, but it's not changing my tone. Help me.

Speaker 2:
[08:27] You know what I love about Justin's, just the content that God has brought through him. And I think about just in time, just in early.

Speaker 1:
[08:35] You get it?

Speaker 2:
[08:35] It's a dad joke there, John.

Speaker 1:
[08:37] Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 2:
[08:39] He brings a very calm, peaceful tone to it. He talks about habits and just getting in. It's not about perfection. It's this idea that you're practicing, trying to get in these habits. And habits require awareness first. And so maybe this episode is all about awareness. I need to maybe look in the mirror and have awareness of how I'm coming in. Am I coming in spicy? Am I coming in too soft? Am I normalizing behavior that's sinful? Am I over correcting and coming in with just a wrath? And what is my heart? What is happening inside of me as I'm talking about Scripture, as I'm correcting my children? And ask the question today, what is it like to receive Biblical teaching from me? What is it like to have me as a mom or as a dad? And then the end of this is, what would you like it to be like? And then go towards that. Don't compare it to anybody else. Figure out what would it be like for this child, this personality in front of me, and this child with that personality, and their temperament, their wiring. What is it like to interact with me as I'm teaching scripture? Because one of them may love stories, the other one may love songs, the other one may love facts, the other one may love being out in nature. And you get to adjust that, and it expands your opportunity to connect with your heavenly father. So I'm like, oh man, this one does this, and this one does that. You go, man, this is expanding the whole thing. And I'm getting to see different aspects of who God is through my children, see it as an invitation. And if you do that, it begins to change your heart as you enter those invitations.

Speaker 1:
[10:22] Yeah. So what I appreciate is that you're talking about be introspective about who you are, and as you said, who's showing up here with my child. If you're not sure even how to begin those introspective moments with yourself, take our parenting assessments. Now, Danny, your team has developed this wonderful parenting assessment. It reflects those seven traits that you've mentioned here in the past episodes, and it's a great way for you to just spend 15 minutes, 10-15 minutes answering some questions. What happens at the end of that survey? I press submit, and then what?

Speaker 2:
[10:58] Well, you give us your name, your email. We'll give you emails that are meaningful, know that. What you get to understand is, how can you grow and how can you bless your family with the strengths you have? So that it'll give you two strengths, two traits that are your top, and then gives you practical ways to gift your family with those strikes. Then it gives you two opportunities for growth, two traits that are an opportunity for you to grow. Then we give you very practical things you can begin doing right away that bless your family with that as you're growing. Then you go on this journey of opportunity to grow through this parenting assessment. It's one that as husband and wife, you can talk about together. At the end, it also has one, if you have teens, you can ask them questions about these seven traits to see how they're showing up with them. It's not a grading of you as a parent, it's just touching base with them and saying, hey, I want to keep growing. You're growing, I'm growing, and I want to make sure I don't have blind spots as a mom or a dad with you. As you take the assessment, you'll take it thinking about one child at a time. If you have five kids, you're going to take the assessment five times.

Speaker 1:
[12:04] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[12:05] That's great information.

Speaker 1:
[12:06] Kind of like me earlier where I said five kids, five minutes each at bedtime, and then all the other, yeah, I signed up for this. So I like it and I want to encourage you to take advantage of this really wonderful free opportunity you have to do a deep dive on how you're doing as a parent with each of your kids. The free parenting assessment is linked in the show notes. We also have a way for you to donate to the Ministry of Focus on the Family, and activate counseling and so many other things for families in need. Prayer and financial support are the fuel for this ministry, and we can't do this without your involvement. So please, as you've benefited from the Ministry of Focus on the Family, pay it forward a little bit. Invest in who we are as a ministry, partner with us, make impact in the kingdom through us, and we'll say thank you for your one-time gift or your monthly contribution by sending a copy of Justin Earley's terrific book called Habits of the Household, Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms. It reflects what we've been talking about and what Justin shared earlier, and it's going to be a great tool for you as you parent your kids. Again, all the details are in the show notes. And next time, we'll be hearing from Natasha Crane about how you can live out your faith in front of your kids, the ongoing theme for this month of these podcasts. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.