transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:01] Hey, Care and Feeding listeners, before we get to the show, we wanted to tell you all the cool things happening over on the Plus Playground, which is our amazing community of Slate Plus subscribers. Recently, we've planned the perfect road trip, revealed what baby gear changed our lives, and what gear we wouldn't buy again. We've recommended movies to watch with teens, we've shared yummy dinner recipes, you name it, we've probably done it. It's also the best place to get weekly recommendations of fun books, toys and games. If you're ever stuck wondering what to get a kid for their birthday or a holiday, the Plus Playground is the place to be. Joining the Plus Playground is the best way to support our show. You also get ad-free listening and never hit a paywall on the Slate site. We hope you'll join us. Sign up now by going to slate.com/careplus. That's slate.com/careplus. See you on the Playground. This episode may contain explicit language. This is Karen Feeding. We're three pals with kids. We get together every week to talk life, swap advice, and keep each other sane while we muddle through this very challenging and fun thing called parenting. I'm Zak Rosen. I make another podcast. It's called Weirdly Helpful. And I am dad to Noah, who's eight, and Ami, who's five. We live in Detroit.

Speaker 2:
[01:17] I'm Elizabeth Newcamp. I write the homeschool and family travel blog Dutch Dutch Goose. I'm the mom to Henry, who's 14, Oliver, who's 11, and Teddy, who's nine. We live in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Speaker 3:
[01:29] Hey, I'm Lucy Lopez. I have a sub stack with Elizabeth. It's called Best Mom Friends Forever. I'm mother to Amelia, who is 15, about to turn 16, Avery, who's 13, and we live in Miami.

Speaker 2:
[01:43] We're here to talk about the ups, downs, and everything in between when it comes to parenting. Every week, we answer your questions, share our own parenting triumphs and fails, and try to make this feel like the kind of conversation you'd have with your friends.

Speaker 1:
[01:58] Today, we've got a question about a 20-year-old who's living at home. Their partner is coming to visit, which means there's an old-fashioned question hanging in the air. Will they be allowed to share a bed?

Speaker 3:
[02:08] Oh my God.

Speaker 1:
[02:08] But before we get to that, we're going to do a round of triumphs and fails. Lucy, give us a little cliffhanger here.

Speaker 3:
[02:14] I'm going to give you a quote. Ready?

Speaker 2:
[02:18] Ready.

Speaker 3:
[02:18] I mean, are you really that hormonal?

Speaker 1:
[02:21] Who said it? Who received it?

Speaker 2:
[02:23] Who said it?

Speaker 1:
[02:24] You got to stick around to find out.

Speaker 3:
[02:27] Prepare yourself.

Speaker 1:
[02:28] We'll be right back. Welcome back. It's time for triumphs and fails. Okay, Lucy, let's talk hormones. I don't know who's. I don't know who said what.

Speaker 3:
[02:37] Okay. Can you guess of the three people living in this house who said, are you really that hormonal? Was it my husband? Was it Amelia, who's 15? Or is it Avery? Who did you say, Zak?

Speaker 1:
[02:51] Avery to Lucy?

Speaker 3:
[02:52] Absolutely right.

Speaker 1:
[02:53] Okay, good. How do you know Avery so well?

Speaker 3:
[02:55] Holy shit.

Speaker 1:
[02:56] I know you both.

Speaker 3:
[02:58] Yep. Avery said that to me this morning. We just had a really rough morning. I feel like I've been holding, holding, holding it, holding it all together. Way too much. I'm not giving myself space to kind of just like, breathe. And there's been a lot of things happening here at the house. Schoolwork, deadlines, parties, end of the school year things. All the things are like piling up for us right now. And this morning, I made everybody oatmeal with strawberries because it's my turn to do breakfast. As you know, they have to make their own breakfast Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I do Tuesdays and Thursdays. So I made everybody oatmeal with strawberries and Avery can't handle oatmeal in the morning and I forgot and she ate it and she made a big deal about it. And there was a lot of crying and a lot of I don't want to go to school now because I feel sick to my stomach because I ate the oatmeal because of this, because of that. And I just looked at her and I just started crying. I didn't scream, I didn't get yell, I didn't get mad, I just started crying. And I looked at her, I'm like, you have to go to school. And she was like, but I am feeling sick and I am feeling nauseous and I'm gagging and it was like all these things, plus she couldn't find her school ID, plus she didn't have her composition notebook. And all the things that I asked her to get ready the night before are just kind of like being ignored this week in this house. And she doesn't want to go to school, guys. So I don't, she's completely done. And I understand it because my kid spends all day at school holding it together. And then she comes home and it's a massive explosion of personality and all the things. Right. But lately it's just it's been so fucking much, you guys. I just started crying this morning.

Speaker 1:
[05:00] Sometimes you got to cry.

Speaker 2:
[05:01] The ultimate stress relief.

Speaker 3:
[05:03] I bawled my eyes out. This kid is looking at me and she literally goes, is this a hormonal thing? I'm like, no, I'm frustrated. This has nothing to do with my hormones, you know? And then we're going to be late to school, because now I have to kind of email everybody that I had a 930 a.m. Zoom with, I got to push this 15 minutes. And it's like a team of 10, you know? And I don't have the luxury to put meetings on hold, push meetings around, like I need to make that money. And so I'm like, what is happening? Why is this day just... So I gave her a few minutes to like calm down, and I'm like, all right, we're going to school. Okay, we're going to school. She got out of stuff. And then the whole ride to school is, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean next time and this and this. And I'm like, I don't want like an apology. I don't want it because she doesn't have to apologize. She's a kid. She's going to hurt things too. So she's apologizing and I'm crying. And I'm like, I'm sorry for crying. I'm sorry for making it difficult this morning. And I'm like, you don't have to apologize.

Speaker 1:
[06:29] And then that's where you left it.

Speaker 3:
[06:31] No, I text her this morning. I want to read you guys what I wrote her.

Speaker 1:
[06:35] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[06:36] Let me pull up this text. I wrote, I know we kicked off the day on the wrong foot. I'm sorry if I stressed you out. I thought oatmeal was a good idea. It's not. And obviously it won't make you eat it ever again in your whole entire life. And I put like a laughing face. And I go, how is the rest of your morning going? She wrote back, it's going good and it's okay. I just remember that always oatmeal will always mess up my stomach. So please don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give me that for breakfast. Okay.

Speaker 2:
[07:20] Can we just make sure we understand that she feeds herself? Like, she could have said, oh, hey mom, when I eat this, I don't feel good and I'm going to make something else.

Speaker 1:
[07:32] You didn't do the airplane into her mouth with the-

Speaker 2:
[07:35] You didn't spin her just around?

Speaker 1:
[07:37] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[07:39] As she's eating it, she's like, this always makes me feel sick.

Speaker 3:
[07:43] She ate it.

Speaker 2:
[07:44] How could you do this to me? Evil witch.

Speaker 1:
[07:47] Could I have more brown sugar?

Speaker 3:
[07:49] You evil witch from South Beach, like.

Speaker 2:
[07:53] Now I can't go to school.

Speaker 3:
[07:55] It's your fault.

Speaker 2:
[07:59] You're going to serve her oatmeal for dinner.

Speaker 1:
[08:00] Oatmeal casserole. No, it's oatmeal casserole. It doesn't count.

Speaker 3:
[08:04] That's that. That was my big fail.

Speaker 2:
[08:07] I'm sorry though. I do know how just you feel so yucky after. I know. Things just got away from you. You're frustrated. You have your own thing. You're also trying to be a good mom and you're also like, you are a player in this to your kid, but they're also your kid. Everyone feels yucky.

Speaker 3:
[08:27] It's just like it sets off just like.

Speaker 2:
[08:31] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[08:36] Yeah, that's that.

Speaker 1:
[08:38] How about you, Elizabeth?

Speaker 2:
[08:43] I'm doing what I do best, which is bringing chaos into our home in the form of, I don't know. All right. So it's PCS season, which means permanent change of station. That's when basically a third of the officers in the United States military will uproot and move. There's some fraction of the enlisted force that moves as well. So anyway, on a base like this, it's a huge number of people that are coming and going. So it's open season on secondhand things because you only get so much weight that moves, depending on where you're going. So there's a lot of stuff being given away. Sometimes they're great finds. Sometimes though you're helping out a neighbor because there are things, particularly being on the island, that you just can't move, such as fish. So our neighbors moved and had posted that they had these fish in this tank, which she was the biggest hearted woman. And I think some of the kids were breeding guppies or the guppies were breeding and they were selling guppies. So she got them. She had two little kids. She put them in a one gallon tank. She thought she had made arrangements for them. She left and then her husband was here and had to get out of the house. So anyway, we took the fish in the tank. But like days after we took them, they had babies. Then if you know anything about guppies, they will actually start eating their babies. But we also went from this one gallon tank, which should really only have one guppy in it. It had a bunch of guppies. Now it had a bunch of guppy babies. And when she left, she was supposed to give me filters. But of course that didn't translate over to the husband. You know, in the chaos. So basically we got a tank with no filter. I couldn't find what kind of filter machine it was to like get a new filter. I took it to the, there aren't like a lot of pet stores here anyway. The tank was getting really, really bad. The fish were not looking good. They weren't looking that great when we got them. I don't know how long she had them. So I just had like decision paralysis about trying to order something. Anyway, last yesterday, one of them, you know, I woke up in the morning. One of the guppies had died. And I was like, I, I, we are leaving today to go to another island for a couple of days. So I was like, we have to get this fish tank situation under control. There's like a really nice pet smart 40 minutes, like as far as you can get on the island away from me. I drove there yesterday, ended up buying this like tank with a nursery, all of this. Come home, put the tank together. You have to condition the water. I decided that at least, because I got a properly size tank. So we've gone from a one gallon tank to like an eight gallon tank. And I can also grow plants in it, which I love to, you know, I love a project. I, as Jeff said, great, another hobby. So I am like setting up all the plants, conditioning the water, but I have to get these fish out of this gross tank. I put the fish in the tank. And within moments, we see them like fighting for their life against the filter, the like, like how strong the water is. So I'm like, okay.

Speaker 1:
[11:47] It's like sucking them towards the filter.

Speaker 2:
[11:50] So I'm trying to like adjust the filter. Like I think that I get it down. I sort of like block it off. The guy at the pet store told me it definitely has a like a guard so that they can be sucked out. Meanwhile, like neighbors come over because we have another set that's leaving and they're blah, blah, blah. So we're outside. We come in because all the kids want to see the new fish tank and the big fish are nowhere to be seen. The babies are in a nursing pot. We cannot find them. From this moment on, it is absolute chaos because I'm like, oh my gosh, they got sucked into the filter. And so I'm opening the filter and I'm ducking it out and I'm basically screaming. I'm like, oh my god, the fish, right? Because I've gone through all this to save these stupid fish. And so we're pulling the filter apart. We see one and it gets in there and it's coming around, but we think it's lost part of its bit and then we get another one out of there and I'm pulling. Oh my god. Okay. Then I'm like, well, we're going out of town. There's a sponge thing that everybody's going to write in. I know there's a sponge thing that goes there. I didn't get it. The PetSmart is 40 minutes away, 30 minutes away, whatever. I'm not getting there today. Amazon takes freaking forever. This is not getting fixed before I go to another island. I'm like, Jeff, do we have any anything in the house that I do? Do you have a piece of mesh? Do you have a? He makes some joke about a pair of my underwear. You guys, I went and I got the underwear and I cut them up and I put it on the end. In our fish tank now, it's like an old pair of the stretch lacy. I cut a piece of the side lacy band off, stuck it over.

Speaker 1:
[13:26] How did you fasten it? You tie it around?

Speaker 2:
[13:29] With a rubber band.

Speaker 1:
[13:30] Okay, good.

Speaker 2:
[13:31] And then I put the cut up underwear, well, I cut the lacy part off, into a plastic bag so we can use it again. Now, we did lose, the fish did not survive the trauma, not all of them, of the going up into the filter and then having me while shrieking shake them back out. They did initially recover, but they didn't make it overnight. So we still have all these babies and we have one or two of the big ones left.

Speaker 1:
[13:58] That is intense, dude.

Speaker 3:
[13:59] Is this fish tank next to your bucket of worms that's next to your popsicle refrigerator?

Speaker 2:
[14:08] No, but I'm glad you said that. Look, I have to write this down. I haven't fed the worms yet this week and I need to do it before I go. No, this is my problem. I love a project and I can justify anything as a homeschool experience. And Jeff from the beginning was like, we should just flush the fish. And I was like, we're not flushing the fish. Like these poor little fish, this is not their fault. So instead of having, I don't know if it's like a peaceful death to go down the toilet because we don't want to like release them anywhere. I don't know, we probably would have frozen them honestly. But instead, thanks to me, they went up the filter.

Speaker 3:
[14:49] Filter heaven.

Speaker 2:
[14:50] Damn it. But I'm taking care of their babies.

Speaker 3:
[14:54] Well, because you're an excellent parent.

Speaker 1:
[14:56] Yeah. And now grandmother? Oh my God. Fish grandma?

Speaker 2:
[15:02] Unintentional grandmother.

Speaker 1:
[15:03] Are the kids invested?

Speaker 2:
[15:04] Yeah. I mean, they all had names.

Speaker 1:
[15:06] Uh-huh.

Speaker 2:
[15:07] And as we're screaming, they're like, not Rainbow Sunshine.

Speaker 3:
[15:13] Rainbow Sunshine is missing his eyes.

Speaker 2:
[15:20] Just like, I just make everything way harder than it needs to be.

Speaker 1:
[15:24] But you tried.

Speaker 2:
[15:25] We're fish parents now.

Speaker 1:
[15:26] No, but you gave it your best shot. I understand not wanting to do the flash. That's a really tough, it's a tough bind.

Speaker 2:
[15:34] Yeah, but instead I suck them off the filter.

Speaker 1:
[15:36] You didn't suck them.

Speaker 3:
[15:37] The G-string filter.

Speaker 1:
[15:39] Can't we blame this on the people at the... Shouldn't the guy at the pet store should have told you about the blocker thing?

Speaker 2:
[15:47] Yes. He is...

Speaker 1:
[15:48] He's on the hook.

Speaker 2:
[15:49] He is culpable. He's on the hook. The people who gave me the guppies in the... Oh, my God. I blame them less, but also... If push came to shove, I would blame you too. All right. We're learning valuable lessons over here. By the way, this is why we can't have a dog or a cat. Zak, how about you?

Speaker 1:
[16:13] So, these are fails. I just want to... Was this a fail, Elizabeth? Yeah, this is a total fail for me.

Speaker 2:
[16:19] Yeah, we're good.

Speaker 1:
[16:19] Three fails today.

Speaker 3:
[16:21] Three? Yay!

Speaker 1:
[16:22] Three fails. We don't get many three fail days.

Speaker 3:
[16:25] How exciting. It's like a haunted house.

Speaker 1:
[16:29] Haunted house in the spring. Noah has been having a tough time at night. All her stuff comes out like 20 minutes before bed. She's just can't regulate, has a really hard time regulating. I don't need to get too much into the details, but she wasn't being her best self. And at a certain point, a couple nights ago, I said, you know what, Noah? I'm not going to talk to you right now if you're talking to me like this. And that just made things much worse. She felt shame. She felt like I can't condition myself like that to her. I can't just be like, if you're not being your best, I can't just like shut the door on her, which is what I was doing.

Speaker 2:
[17:20] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[17:21] I was still in the room, but I metaphorically shut the door by saying, I'm not going to talk to you if this is how you're going to talk to me because I'm an adult. It's just not the right move. And I felt bad about it. And it only lasted a couple of minutes because Shira was in the room too. She's like, no, that's a bad idea. Dad is still going to talk to you. If she wasn't there, I might have tried to keep this thing up of like, if you're not going to be nice to me. I can't ice out your kids, especially if they're eight. But I was really fed up. But still, it was no excuse to shut the door that way. So I felt foolish and apologized and she went to bed and things were okay. But yeah, I felt pretty bad about that one.

Speaker 2:
[18:11] What's the plan going forward though? Because I guess I don't think the boundary is the problem. It's like the way that it was enforced. So like, I think it would have been okay for you to be like, the way you're speaking to me now is very hurtful. I love you so much and I'm going to be here for you. But it's very hard for me to hear you when you're speaking to me like that.

Speaker 1:
[18:31] That would have been much better. That would have been great.

Speaker 2:
[18:33] But I also get the thing of like, talk to me like that.

Speaker 3:
[18:40] I hear you. I know it feels like obviously it's a fail, but sometimes I feel the same way where I'm like, just don't talk to me like that. Like who do you think you are?

Speaker 1:
[18:52] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[18:52] But I say it. Did you say it or did you?

Speaker 1:
[18:56] I even think saying don't talk to me that way is okay. But saying, and I'm there for, I'm not going to talk to you. That's where I went wrong.

Speaker 2:
[19:06] That is definitely.

Speaker 1:
[19:08] You're going to be me to me, I'm going to be me to you.

Speaker 2:
[19:12] Yeah. I mean, the subtext is like, when you are not your best, when you treat me poorly, I don't really love you. You know what I mean? Like, I can't be bothered. As opposed to like, I love you so much that I'm not going to let you speak to me that way. So when you're ready to use different words, I'm here to hear you. You know, like, I'm not shutting the door, but I'm also telling you like, this is not a problem.

Speaker 1:
[19:38] That's right.

Speaker 2:
[19:39] Amazing that when Shira told you that, was it like, because I do feel like sometimes in the moment, if Jeff and I correct each other, my children will like pick up on me. Like, they will jump on the parent. So if I say like, ooh, like, that doesn't mean that. The kids are like, yeah, dad.

Speaker 1:
[19:58] Yeah, but I mean, maybe that has happened before. We don't typically contradict each other, but it was, she nipped it in the butt quickly. It was like, nope, Zak, we're not doing that. And then I was like, oh yeah, you're right. That was dumb of me.

Speaker 2:
[20:13] You didn't double down. You were like, no, I'm not speaking to you either.

Speaker 1:
[20:17] And now I'm locking my mouth and throwing away the key.

Speaker 2:
[20:20] It's just you and me, Ami. I am sorry though. It does, it doesn't feel good, right?

Speaker 1:
[20:31] No, but I needed Shira there. So I'm grateful to Shira for, for holding that line.

Speaker 2:
[20:35] Yeah, good job to just, for her to just, and to move on, right? It didn't become a whole thing.

Speaker 1:
[20:41] Exactly. Yeah. Well, before we close this, this incredible round of fails, just fail after fail. Elizabeth, we got a letter about last week's fail, about Oliver slicing up his hand. I will read it. Elizabeth, I empathized so much. I am in the process of moving from Toronto to a new house in Nova Scotia, and on my first weekend, I was alone and cooking breakfast, and I did the exact same thing as Oliver with a frozen butter knife and a sharp knife. I feel so seen. Tell Oliver I'm a 61-year-old who made the same mistake. Thank you ADHD, 11 stitches, thumb, and ring finger. I'm one of those many years listeners who doesn't actually have kids. I'm an Uber auntie and a leadership professor and coach, but I learned so much from all of you about human relationships. Take care, Kate.

Speaker 2:
[21:34] I did share this with Oliver, and he does really feel better because I do think.

Speaker 1:
[21:39] That definitely would make it.

Speaker 2:
[21:40] Yeah, hidden in there was this like, how could I be so stupid? And to just really understand like, you're not, accidents happen.

Speaker 1:
[21:50] Yeah, knives are tough. And we actually have a bonus triumph this week. This one comes from Sarah, and she called the listener hotline.

Speaker 4:
[21:59] Hey, Care and Feeding, this is Sarah from the Bay Area in California, and I'm calling with a few recent triumphs because you always ask us to give you a call. So one is, I find it incredibly hard to see my friends these days. I've got a seven-year-old and a three-year-old, and I don't know, just between two full-time working parents and taking care of kiddos, it can be really tough to spend any time with my friends without kids around. And I feel like we figured my group of friends here kind of figured out a nice hack, which was like we just coordinated on one of our kids' after school activities. And for a few months now, all of our kids are taking ceramics at the local museum on Tuesdays from 4-5.30. And while they're in there, we eat snacks and catch up. And it's lovely. And I just feel so happy to get to see these months every week. So, okay, that's a triumph. And I also want to mention, we bought the tin can phone for our 7-year-old Latanica. And I encourage actually like me and a bunch of moms in the neighborhood and at our school, kind of coordinated every all of our 7-year-olds getting tin can phones, with the hope that it would help save off smartphones for as long as possible. And it's the best. I love it. They are like our 7-year-olds call each other and have the most adorable phone conversations.

Speaker 3:
[23:49] Oh my gosh, how cute.

Speaker 4:
[23:50] And they make their own plans. Like they make their own play dates. And so, yeah, just a plus one to your tin can phone recommendation.

Speaker 3:
[24:00] All right.

Speaker 4:
[24:00] Hope you all are well. Love the show. Take care.

Speaker 3:
[24:03] Oh my gosh, how sweet.

Speaker 1:
[24:04] That was great. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[24:05] From the Bay Area in California.

Speaker 2:
[24:08] The idea of getting your friends together and all going to the same is, I love this.

Speaker 1:
[24:14] It's brilliant.

Speaker 2:
[24:15] This is brilliant. I think when you have to stay at the activity, there's nothing better also as a mom knowing that you're going to see your friends.

Speaker 1:
[24:24] Yeah, for sure. We love hearing your triumphs and fails. Please keep them coming. You can always email us at careandfeedingpodatslate.com or do what Sarah did. Call us so we can hear your lovely voice, 646-357-9318. We're going to take one more quick break, but we'll be back here in a minute with our listener question. Welcome back. It's time to answer a listener's question. Lucy, you want to read this one for us?

Speaker 3:
[24:50] Absolutely. Hello, Care and Feeding. As a forever listener, I know the show sometimes skews to younger kid questions, but I hope it's okay to ask a teen slash young adult question. Background. My two stepchildren live with us full time. Bio Mom has every other weekend and one dinner a week. Their dad and I have been married for seven years, together for eight. I do not have bio children of my own, but I'm overjoyed to help with these two. Here's my question. The older stepchild, they, them, just turned 20 and will be graduating college in May. Because of their age and the world for now, they will be moving back home while they figure out next steps and find their feet. In the past few months, they have started a relationship with their first serious partner. Congrats. The partner lives in their college town, which is about 45 minutes from our house. They have spent the night with their partner who lives at home. My step kid has a dorm with three other people. When we were talking about the coming big move home, they mentioned that they would drive down to stay with their partner. I offered for them to come to visit and mention the guest room. My step kid looked at me like I had three heads and I suddenly felt like my mother. Boom, boom, boom. Here's the question. They need to be able to share a room, right? Even though this makes me crazy uncomfortable, in a gut check with my hubby, he absolutely was like if you hate it, I support you, but also you are wrong here. I was living with my boyfriend at that age, but now on the other side, I really don't love this. They are just a tiny child. How do I overcome my own background to make a welcoming place for my child and their partner? Thank you. Raising young adults is so hard.

Speaker 2:
[26:58] I think the amazing thing about this question, one is what a great partner you have that is like you're wrong, but if this is important to you, it's important to me. So that's great. But two, I feel like this letter is the conversation you have to have with yourself, which is the uncomfortable truth, which is if they can share us a room somewhere else and have been.

Speaker 1:
[27:27] Exactly.

Speaker 2:
[27:28] It's hard to draw a firm logical line that suddenly you can't in your house when they are 20. I just think you have a decision to make, which is it's your house. I want to say you can make this rule in a loving way, but what this rule is going to do is push them away. You are choosing you being comfortable or some value or some something, right? And you don't really mention like why other than it makes you uncomfortable. You are choosing that above the choice of seeking connection in your place as a place where they can be themselves. And that is a choice you're allowed to make. But I do think it is one, if you say they can't be together, they're going to spend more time other places, right? Because you're saying you're an adult out in the world, but you're not an adult here in this house. And I think that's sort of the reality of the situation, which is it's hard, right? To see, like you say, they're just a tiny child. And yes, I completely understand how now at this age, like 20 is so young, but it is an adult age. Like they could decide to go somewhere else or do something else.

Speaker 1:
[28:52] Like this tiny thing that they're a tiny kid, that seems like it's just not true.

Speaker 2:
[28:57] It's not true.

Speaker 1:
[28:57] But you need to, and it's hard, I get it. Like, you know, my mom still calls me her baby, but they're 20 years old. And that's, I mean, this is so, I'm sorry that to me it seems so obvious, like, no, obviously, they should be able to share a room. But Lucy, you're shaking your head though.

Speaker 3:
[29:17] Yeah, I am.

Speaker 1:
[29:18] Let's hear it.

Speaker 3:
[29:22] Yeah, I don't agree with them sharing a room. They need to show you, like, where they are commitment-wise with this person before we start sharing bedrooms in my house.

Speaker 1:
[29:35] Because if they're sharing, then you're kind of co-signing their, whatever they're doing?

Speaker 3:
[29:39] Whatever is going on in that relationship, you're co-signing. I'm only sharing my opinion on this because I grew up in a household where my dad has a daughter, so she's my half-sister, and every other week, she had a different girlfriend at our house. I remember one day, she asked my mom if her and her partner can spend the night, and my mom was like, yeah, you can go sleep in that room and she could sleep on the couch or vice-versa. Because every week, you have a different partner. This is not a hotel.

Speaker 2:
[30:16] But that's at least an adult conversation about it. At least it's like, here is why. It's not like, hey, this makes us uncomfortable. It's like, you are bringing home all these other people and I don't want to cosign this. I feel like what is missing from this is the conversation about why.

Speaker 3:
[30:36] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[30:37] Because the letter just says, like, I'm uncomfortable. But at this age, I behave the same way. So like, okay for me, but not for you, you know.

Speaker 3:
[30:45] Exactly. Which totally understand that. But I think that there has to be like, you need to be clear on that.

Speaker 1:
[30:54] On why she's going to make this real.

Speaker 3:
[30:56] You need to look inside. Like, why is this making you uncomfortable? And then figure it out from there. Because I don't think she's very clear on why this makes her uncomfortable.

Speaker 2:
[31:06] If this had been a longer term relationship, are you like, yeah, share a room, fine?

Speaker 3:
[31:12] Of course.

Speaker 1:
[31:13] Are they proving their dedication?

Speaker 3:
[31:14] Yes, you have to, like. My mom literally told my sister goes, she goes, listen, you guys have to pass the six month mark until after six months. Okay, I see some kind of seriousness. But if this is like, you have one partner this week and then another partner that week and, you know. No.

Speaker 1:
[31:38] What if it makes them less likely to come home if you're going to be like having this scale that they have to adhere to?

Speaker 3:
[31:44] No, but you and your partner can stay here, but you can't share a room because I don't know how serious this relationship is.

Speaker 1:
[31:52] Even though you know tomorrow, they're going to go back to wherever else.

Speaker 3:
[31:55] Yeah, this is my house.

Speaker 2:
[31:57] It's just about in your house co-signing.

Speaker 1:
[32:00] We play by my rules.

Speaker 3:
[32:02] These are my rules. I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day.

Speaker 2:
[32:09] I don't think I'm over, but I'm not speaking to her.

Speaker 1:
[32:11] I'm not talking to you until you're together for three years. You say you're uncomfortable, but right before that, you say they need to be able to share a room, right? You are asking out loud. I feel like you think that they should be able to, and it makes you uncomfortable. I feel like what would happen if they share a room and you're uncomfortable? Like, is that so bad?

Speaker 2:
[32:32] And what are you uncomfortable about? Like, is it-

Speaker 3:
[32:34] That's what I want to know. What is she uncomfortable about?

Speaker 2:
[32:36] Is it the idea that they're-

Speaker 1:
[32:37] That they might be having sex like next door. Cause that would be weird to hear your kid have sex. I get that.

Speaker 2:
[32:42] Whatever's happening is happening. Whether it's happening and what's the difference for it to be happening at your house. Like, are you afraid it's going to be awkward? Like they're probably afraid it's going to be awkward too.

Speaker 3:
[32:52] Everything is happening. Everything is already happening in that relationship, by the way. But if you want to be the only person having sex under your roof, then guess what? Don't let them share a room.

Speaker 2:
[33:03] You think that will stop it, Lucy, honestly?

Speaker 3:
[33:05] No, of course not.

Speaker 2:
[33:06] Right. Even under your roof. I'm just saying, like, are you there all the time? Is there an open door policy? Is there, are you up all night? Like, I just think.

Speaker 1:
[33:14] No, she's putting the nanny cam back in.

Speaker 2:
[33:16] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[33:18] There's a bear.

Speaker 2:
[33:19] I do think that listening, though, is a conversation. And it sounds like there's a great relationship. So I think it's okay. Like, I was thinking of saying, like, to be honest, like, this is new territory for me. And when you suggested it, I like immediately, I was like, oh, well, they can use the guest room. And now, like after talking with your dad, I understand that that was not what you were thinking. And I'm going to need to adjust. And I want you to feel comfortable bringing your whole life home.

Speaker 3:
[33:50] Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:
[33:52] People here, but also like including your partner, but also you have to understand that's going to take me some time, right? Like if I walk into the kitchen and you guys are doing whatever, that is going to take some time for me. So I didn't mean to offend you. I want you to feel comfortable. I want to be able to have an open conversation about this, right? Are we talking that they are staying? I think if this is like, are they staying one or two nights? Are they leaving stuff at your house? Is it like every other week? Like I think there's a lot of logistics when your adult child is moving back in, that have to be figured out. And I think it is okay to have that conversation, right? And I think it's okay to even say this thing you said here, like I was living with my boyfriend at this age and now I feel uncomfortable by the idea because of this. But if you thought that living with your boyfriend at 20 was a bad idea, please share with your step kid why. Not from a place of this, just like, I wish I hadn't have done this because of these things, even if they're going to make the same. I feel like that's a respectful way to say this. This came from my protective nature of you. And I understand that you need to make these same mistakes. But here's what I learned and here's why that came out. But I did not mean that I didn't want you to have your life here or that you can't live that life in this house.

Speaker 3:
[35:21] Be very open, be very compassionate. You know, all the things that you would want somebody to show to you, make sure you express that to your child because that's all your child wants. Acceptance, love, attention and all that. Right? Are we kid ones?

Speaker 2:
[35:38] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[35:38] You don't want your kid to think, oh, I don't want you here with your partner because I don't agree with what you're doing with your partner. Be more on the real side like, hey, I lived with my boyfriend when I was 20 and hindsight, that was a really dumb mistake and this is all difficult for me, you know?

Speaker 2:
[36:00] You have to think about is the boundary and your uncomfortableness or wherever that boundary comes from more important than a choice that keeps the relationship strongest in the long term. Because that is what is more important to you.

Speaker 1:
[36:17] What's the priority?

Speaker 2:
[36:19] Because if the boundary is more important, you can set the boundary, right? You can set, like your husband said, we can totally say if someone comes, they have to sleep in the guest room. It's our house. But there will be consequences to that decision.

Speaker 1:
[36:32] Yeah, will you let us know what you do?

Speaker 2:
[36:34] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[36:35] I really thank you for writing in, for being vulnerable here, and please keep us posted. Parents of older kids, I know you've been here before. What advice do you have? Email us at careandfeedingpodatslate.com or call us and leave a voicemail, 646-357-9318. That's our show. Please consider leaving us a rating and review at Apple Podcasts or a review on Spotify. It is a huge help to us. It helps new people discover the show. If you want more parenting advice, you can find Care and Feeding, the column on slate.com. Care and Feeding is produced by Cheyna Roth and Rosemary Belson. Mia LaBelle is executive director of podcast for Slate and Ben Richmond is senior director of podcast operation.

Speaker 2:
[37:19] I'm Elizabeth Newcamp. You can find me on Instagram at Elizabeth.Newcamp and you can find Lucy and I on Substack, Best Mom Friends.

Speaker 3:
[37:29] Yeah, find me on IG at the Lucy Lopez.

Speaker 1:
[37:32] I am there at New Zachary. Thanks for listening. We'll see you back here on Monday.