transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Adobe Firefly is the all-in-one creative studio with AI-powered image and video editing for today's creative process. Built for creators of every kind, Firefly helps you generate, edit and experiment, fast. Because the asks aren't getting smaller, the budgets aren't getting bigger, and the timelines, oh yeah, still tight. With all the best creative AI models in one place, Firefly brings your ideas to life. Unlock a better way to make with Adobe Firefly.

Speaker 2:
[00:30] When Mother's Day means celebrating your mom, your wife, maybe even your daughter as a new mom. Trust 1-800-Flowers to help you celebrate every important woman in your life. With double blooms from 1-800-Flowers, order one dozen roses and get another dozen for free. It's a simple way to give beautifully with colorful blooms that make Mother's Day feel meaningful. For every mom you're celebrating, order with confidence and get double blooms at 1800flowers.com/sxm. That's 1800flowers.com/sxm.

Speaker 3:
[01:01] There's no place to escape to. This is The Last Podcast on the Left. Side stories?

Speaker 4:
[01:09] That's when the cannibalism started.

Speaker 5:
[01:11] Side stories.

Speaker 3:
[01:13] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[01:21] Just another beautiful Monday morning.

Speaker 6:
[01:23] Yes, it is, baby.

Speaker 5:
[01:25] It's just so nice out here.

Speaker 6:
[01:27] Portland.

Speaker 5:
[01:28] I can't believe we made it. We made it through Alaska. We made it through the tundra.

Speaker 6:
[01:32] Through the Yukon. Through that.

Speaker 5:
[01:34] We went over Canada.

Speaker 6:
[01:35] You can't believe that we're here.

Speaker 5:
[01:37] I can't believe me is here as well, Eddie.

Speaker 6:
[01:43] If we would have stopped there, they would have had to change the name to Yukon.

Speaker 5:
[01:46] Oh, you're the one. You're the one. Eddie, where are we?

Speaker 6:
[01:51] We currently are in Portland, Oregon at the wonderful... What's the name of the studio we're in?

Speaker 5:
[01:58] We're over at Robot Pirate Media. We want to say thank you guys so much. We have such a handsome operator here.

Speaker 6:
[02:04] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[02:04] I'm looking at him.

Speaker 6:
[02:06] Randall.

Speaker 5:
[02:06] Randall. God. Randy, of course.

Speaker 6:
[02:09] Yeah, you're making me Randy.

Speaker 5:
[02:11] Of course, you're first name's Randy.

Speaker 6:
[02:12] God, I'm just picturing you naked.

Speaker 5:
[02:14] God, I just want to suck on your weird, hairy Portland knees.

Speaker 6:
[02:18] Oh, yeah. I bet you could tie your shoes with your penis.

Speaker 5:
[02:21] God, we love being here. But we're here for a special reason. It's not just to smoke weed outside of our homes. No.

Speaker 6:
[02:29] That's right. Today is 420 to us.

Speaker 3:
[02:31] up, up, up, suck up, up, suck up, up. I'm so high, I think I'm gonna die, man.

Speaker 5:
[02:36] You dude.

Speaker 3:
[02:37] I'm afraid of me, dude.

Speaker 6:
[02:39] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[02:40] But that's why we do it. We smoke weed so you don't have to. Here at Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Hello.

Speaker 6:
[02:48] I feel big.

Speaker 5:
[02:49] You are big. And we have had truly one of the most wonderful confluence of days and events over the last several days. I just can't even believe it. First of all, we got a lot of announcements.

Speaker 6:
[03:00] Yes. All kinds of shit.

Speaker 5:
[03:01] A lot of shit. Thank you to everybody. They came out to those Alaska shows.

Speaker 6:
[03:05] Those Alaska shows were so much fun. Oh my God. We had over 400 people in Anchorage.

Speaker 5:
[03:10] I cannot believe it. I just want to say we were even talking about them.

Speaker 6:
[03:14] I didn't know there were 400 people in Anchorage.

Speaker 5:
[03:16] They were. They were trucked in.

Speaker 6:
[03:18] Yeah, right.

Speaker 5:
[03:18] We had them bussed in.

Speaker 6:
[03:19] Boated in from Russia.

Speaker 5:
[03:20] Yes, they were. There was a lot of spies.

Speaker 6:
[03:22] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[03:22] And I just want to say thank you so much to the Russian intelligence agencies for sending Boris and Natasha to our show.

Speaker 6:
[03:30] We did see a Boris and Natasha.

Speaker 5:
[03:33] I absolutely saw a Boris and Natasha. I saw a fat Russian man.

Speaker 6:
[03:36] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[03:36] And then I saw a very skinny, hot Russian woman, and they were going, and they were yelling at each other and shit. And they were plotting.

Speaker 6:
[03:42] Yes. Well, you and Natalie would make a great Boris and Natasha for Halloween.

Speaker 5:
[03:46] Honestly, it's a great idea.

Speaker 6:
[03:48] That's a good, put it in the old bank.

Speaker 5:
[03:50] I will. Fairbanks also had the first time I've ever seen a Russian grocery store, and I did not know that Russia-

Speaker 6:
[03:56] I have seen Russian grocery stores before.

Speaker 5:
[03:58] But I did not know it was famous for its groceries.

Speaker 6:
[04:01] No, it's definitely not.

Speaker 5:
[04:02] It just sold Pope's Tears and Glicklork.

Speaker 6:
[04:05] Yeah, and it wasn't all free?

Speaker 5:
[04:07] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[04:07] What's up with that?

Speaker 5:
[04:08] Isn't there a line you're supposed to get on where you can get your rough toilet paper, and then you can go and get your Grishkosh, you can get your hammer toes, and you can get all sorts of your baked koala.

Speaker 6:
[04:19] Your fish tails and your eyes.

Speaker 5:
[04:21] Yeah, and your bat stew. I don't know what they eat over there, man, but I'll tell you what, it looked gross. And the man was not friendly.

Speaker 6:
[04:28] No, he wasn't.

Speaker 5:
[04:29] Remember when I asked him if he sold alcohol, he was like, no. No alcohol. No.

Speaker 6:
[04:33] He's like, come on, bro, you're Russian.

Speaker 5:
[04:35] Whatever.

Speaker 6:
[04:35] Where is it?

Speaker 5:
[04:36] You spy.

Speaker 6:
[04:36] Don't fucking lie to me.

Speaker 5:
[04:37] You're some kind of fucking spy.

Speaker 6:
[04:38] Yeah, what do you do? I mean, there's nothing to spy on in Fairbanks.

Speaker 7:
[04:41] Absolutely. Actually, there's quite a bit.

Speaker 5:
[04:42] There's Air Force Base. We saw all those black planes come in to the Fairbanks International Airport.

Speaker 6:
[04:46] That's right. Hart, right? Was that what it's called?

Speaker 5:
[04:48] It was something else. It was something like a mag. Well, Harp is one thing outside of-

Speaker 6:
[04:53] What is Harp?

Speaker 5:
[04:53] Harp is a, it's, well, they're obviously, they're controlling the weather. They're controlling the weather. They are, the space lasers-

Speaker 6:
[05:01] Then why is it warmer?

Speaker 5:
[05:02] It's because they're making it cold so you think it's getting, gonna get colder, but it's not, it's actually gonna get hotter. So they're changing it all up. It's actually run by, that's where the space Jews live.

Speaker 6:
[05:14] Oh.

Speaker 5:
[05:14] They live in there and they zap their lasers from space down. Harp is very simple.

Speaker 6:
[05:20] Yeah, nothing's more Jewish than Fairbanks, Alaska.

Speaker 5:
[05:23] Oh, we could not believe it. You could not believe it, but no, honestly, Harp is a communication center that a lot of people have a lot of, there's conspiracy theories around it. They were doing weather manipulation. But actually, it's just-

Speaker 6:
[05:34] Let me in the door.

Speaker 5:
[05:35] That's what Jesse Ventura tried.

Speaker 6:
[05:36] Let me in the door.

Speaker 5:
[05:37] But he did not make an appointment. But they are shooting laser beams off the ionosphere in order to attach information to laser beams. It's like a whole thing. But it doesn't do the things that conspiracy theorists thought it did. But one of the big things that I forgot about Alaska, obviously we've covered a lot of true crime in Alaska. But we asked, so many people, like, normally when we go into town, we like Google like town, true crime.

Speaker 6:
[06:00] Yeah, well who's the killer from here?

Speaker 5:
[06:02] Yeah, to kind of like go into-

Speaker 6:
[06:03] Just to get to know people.

Speaker 5:
[06:04] Just to know what you like.

Speaker 6:
[06:05] Yeah, yeah, it's like what sandwiches are good and then who killed people.

Speaker 5:
[06:09] Who killed people here. And Alaska- Big list. I, right now I have a list of just, this is just six serial killers that operated outside of Alaska. Besides, obviously, Robert Hansen, Israel Keys, but then there's James Dale Richie, John Fountainberry, Thomas Bunday, Charles L. Meach. That's just some of them. There's so much murder tourism in Alaska.

Speaker 6:
[06:33] Dude, during the show, I'm like, how many people here know a victim of a serial killer? And about 20 people raised their hands.

Speaker 7:
[06:41] That's just way too many.

Speaker 6:
[06:42] That's crazy.

Speaker 7:
[06:43] That was way too many.

Speaker 6:
[06:44] I never thought that that would cross over, and like that number would be that big.

Speaker 5:
[06:48] But I've never been in a more Last Podcast coded environment than Alaska, between the haunted, we went to a haunted hotel, we went to Captain Cook's that we talked about in our Haunted Alaska series.

Speaker 6:
[07:00] Yeah, we went to Captain Cook's and we went there and I was just like, I don't believe in any of this shit. I go to the bathroom, I have a weird little incident.

Speaker 5:
[07:08] Okay, so we don't know. All right, so at this point.

Speaker 6:
[07:10] It's probably me just being paranoid.

Speaker 5:
[07:12] You got little eyeballs.

Speaker 6:
[07:13] I got tiny eyeballs.

Speaker 5:
[07:14] But also, all right, so this is what happened. Captain Cook says, for those of you who don't know, in Anchorage, the Anchorage looks like a city out of a Soviet block.

Speaker 7:
[07:23] Like it literally is.

Speaker 5:
[07:24] It has not been touched since the 1970s. Everything is the streets are empty. But there's one big major hotel in the center. Captain Cook's has been there for fucking ever. And it's considered one of the most haunted locations in an extremely haunted city.

Speaker 6:
[07:38] It's very cool looking.

Speaker 5:
[07:39] Yes. And we ask people kind of like, oh, where are you from? Also, Alaska is a place where nobody's from Alaska. No, everybody's running from another place and has ended up in Alaska.

Speaker 6:
[07:49] We met a couple of real Alaska people, but everyone else is like from somewhere else.

Speaker 5:
[07:55] From somewhere else.

Speaker 6:
[07:56] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[07:56] And so we go to this.

Speaker 6:
[07:57] And that's a lie.

Speaker 5:
[07:58] That is, yeah, of course. Everything's just that they're always like, I was a circus doctor. And then I was, of course, I worked on the, you know, a pet railroad. I did that for a while. And then I just wanted to see what was going on Anchorage Way. And next thing I know, I got a little lady all full of my gunk. Oh my God. And now I've been here for 25 years.

Speaker 6:
[08:14] Four to one, male to female.

Speaker 3:
[08:17] Dude.

Speaker 6:
[08:18] What is that?

Speaker 5:
[08:19] It's a lot of man.

Speaker 6:
[08:20] That's like, that's just like, I hate to do this to the guys there, but if you're a lady, get out.

Speaker 3:
[08:26] Get out.

Speaker 6:
[08:27] Get out or make more ladies.

Speaker 7:
[08:28] You gotta make more women.

Speaker 6:
[08:30] Yeah, or like try to wait, find out a way to like trick them to get there.

Speaker 5:
[08:34] I actually think some of the guys just need to switch.

Speaker 6:
[08:36] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[08:36] They gotta do the Jurassic Park way.

Speaker 6:
[08:37] We've met a couple.

Speaker 5:
[08:38] Life finds a way.

Speaker 6:
[08:42] All right.

Speaker 5:
[08:42] So, Eddie, now tell your story.

Speaker 6:
[08:43] All right. So, we're at Captain Cook's. We're having a nice afternoon drink. We don't have a show, so we're like, yeah, let's treat ourselves nice, you know? We're sitting there waiting for Billy to get in town. Nothing really to do. And I'm like, oh, you know, I've had enough. I'm gonna go make a pee pee. I go to the bathroom. I go downstairs. And the bathroom's completely empty. No one in the bathroom.

Speaker 5:
[09:01] There's nobody in the bathroom.

Speaker 6:
[09:02] No one in the bathroom. No one in the stalls. Stalls are open. It's completely empty bathroom.

Speaker 5:
[09:06] Honestly, there was 10 people in this bar.

Speaker 6:
[09:08] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[09:08] There was nobody at the bar.

Speaker 6:
[09:10] The whole place is empty.

Speaker 7:
[09:11] The entire city is empty.

Speaker 6:
[09:13] Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's no humans there. But somehow a bunch of people came to the show. So I go to the bathroom and I'm taking a pee. And I look behind me. I felt like a presence. I look behind me and there's like a dude in a red jacket. And he's just standing there right behind me. I was like, oh, all right, no problem. I'm in the bathroom. Other people, it's a public bathroom, no problem. So I turn around, keep being. I turn back around, gone. Didn't hear a door open. Didn't hear nothing.

Speaker 5:
[09:38] And you've seen the most ghosts out of any other person I have ever met.

Speaker 6:
[09:43] Well, debatable, but yes.

Speaker 5:
[09:45] Yeah, but you, of all of the people that doesn't believe in ghosts that have seen the most ghosts, it's you.

Speaker 6:
[09:50] Yeah, but so I go, I had this weird experience.

Speaker 3:
[09:52] I'm like, man, this weird thing happened to me.

Speaker 6:
[09:53] He's like, you know, this place is haunted.

Speaker 5:
[09:54] Yeah, and then what you're talking about, and then you're like, oh, maybe it was one of the employees, but the employees were all wearing Navy.

Speaker 6:
[09:59] Yeah, they're all wearing blue.

Speaker 5:
[10:00] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[10:00] And so there was like, so he wasn't, because it was definitely an employee's jacket.

Speaker 5:
[10:04] Yeah, there was no-

Speaker 6:
[10:05] It was like a hotel's, like, bellhops jacket.

Speaker 5:
[10:07] I would love to know. SideStoriesLPOTL and email.com.

Speaker 6:
[10:10] I hope I'm stupid.

Speaker 5:
[10:11] Does somebody have pictures of any old employees that worked at Captain Cook's? Because that, like, I didn't see anybody come out, and I didn't see anybody walk into the bar that had a fucking red jacket on.

Speaker 6:
[10:21] Yeah, no.

Speaker 5:
[10:22] And half the people that came to that bar ended up at the show the next day.

Speaker 6:
[10:26] Yes. Yeah, so I don't even know what happened.

Speaker 5:
[10:28] I have no fucking idea what that was.

Speaker 6:
[10:30] It was very bizarre.

Speaker 5:
[10:31] It was very, very scary.

Speaker 7:
[10:31] It was very bizarre. That was one of the ridiculous things we heard.

Speaker 5:
[10:34] We also heard about how, like, in Alaska, the mud will kill you.

Speaker 6:
[10:38] Oh my God. All right, so, all right, here's, this was, we got a couple versions of the same story, and then I actually looked, all right, so here's the story that Billy told us about from Alaska. Dude, you're gonna love this, Randall. So the-

Speaker 7:
[10:50] You're really gonna like this one, Randall.

Speaker 6:
[10:52] So there was a couple, they were on their honeymoon in Anchorage.

Speaker 5:
[10:55] Which is, first of all, what a horrific mistake.

Speaker 6:
[10:58] Bad idea.

Speaker 7:
[10:58] Don't do that.

Speaker 6:
[10:59] There's no Anchorage, there's nothing there.

Speaker 5:
[11:00] There's so many places to go on honeymoon.

Speaker 6:
[11:03] Go to the woods, go on a cruise.

Speaker 5:
[11:05] There's cool, there's like cold places that are nicer, like Colorado. I mean, we love Alaska.

Speaker 6:
[11:09] I'm not saying don't go to Anchorage, I'm just saying if you wanna get sexy, it ain't there.

Speaker 5:
[11:14] That's where your wife dies on the first day.

Speaker 6:
[11:16] Yeah, it's all 500 pounds dudes flip flops at fucking 30 degrees.

Speaker 5:
[11:20] And when that makes you horny, God bless you.

Speaker 6:
[11:22] Yeah, honestly, please go there then. But so they're on there, so they're surrounded by Anchorage is like these mud flats. And it's like instead of like beach, it's just mud.

Speaker 5:
[11:33] It's just thick, thick, dark mud.

Speaker 6:
[11:35] It's like thicker than quicksand mud. And so they like wanted to explore it. And so they started walking out in the mud. And I guess like she stood in one place too long. And then the mud started to like consume her. And because of the suction of the mud, they couldn't get her out and they're trying to pull her out and they're trying to pull her out.

Speaker 5:
[11:53] And she sunk up to her waist and then they couldn't pull because she got stuck in it.

Speaker 6:
[11:57] So the story is that they're like, all right, they tried a helicopter rescue and they like tied her hands to a rope ladder. And then the helicopter came and it was pulling her out and it was pulling her out. And then it was so bad that it ripped her in half. She popped like a New Year's Eve. And then her legs were there and then like her fucking guts are just like spraying out the bottom of her honeymoon.

Speaker 5:
[12:20] And then obviously indigenous person came because they save everything. Yes. And they pull up all the guns.

Speaker 6:
[12:24] Use all of it.

Speaker 5:
[12:25] Yeah. They made wigs and they made rope.

Speaker 6:
[12:27] So they were like, that was the story we heard. That's fucking crazy. And then Billy told the story on stage. And then later on during the meet and greet over at Beartooth Tub, got a Beartooth Theater Pub. Such a nice place.

Speaker 5:
[12:40] Seriously wonderful.

Speaker 6:
[12:41] Yeah. Go see a movie there. Go see a show if you get a chance. What a great time. The pizza was great, too.

Speaker 5:
[12:46] Pizza was really good.

Speaker 6:
[12:47] So for Alaska, it was edible pizza.

Speaker 5:
[12:49] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[12:49] Yeah, I know. So congrats. You did it.

Speaker 5:
[12:51] And reindeer sausage was awesome.

Speaker 6:
[12:52] We're talking to someone who knew the firemen who were there during the rescue. And then she's like, that's not how it went down. That's urban legend. I was like, oh, okay. What happened? She's like, well, the tide started to come in.

Speaker 5:
[13:03] Because that's what kills you is that you get stuck in the mud. And then the tide comes like in the fuck, the Leslie Nielsen, like Twilight Zone fucking thing, what he did with Ted Danson.

Speaker 3:
[13:12] Creep show. Creep show. Creep show.

Speaker 6:
[13:14] Yes. And so the tide starts to come in and they can't get her out. They don't know what to do. Her husband's freaking out. He's holding her. And then all the firemen, they don't know what to do to this woman to get her out of the mud. And they just have to accept that the ocean is going to drown her. And it's a very slow process. And so in order for her to not deal with it as much, or as like a last-ditch effort to try and like save her, they just put a bucket on her head. Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[13:42] They'll like create like a diving bell like scenario they thought.

Speaker 6:
[13:45] But it did not work.

Speaker 5:
[13:46] And then Eddie and I were both like, okay, I mean, obviously, that's horrible.

Speaker 6:
[13:51] So she just like sat there and waited to die with a fucking bucket on her head screaming in front of these firemen who had no idea what to do but to watch. Now they have like a whole system. Yeah. So that is the brighter side of all this. They have like a hose that they stick in and it presses water and it shoots you out. They have a way to get you out now.

Speaker 5:
[14:10] Yeah, of course. But if you think about this as married men, think about how upset Julie would be when you put that bucket on her head.

Speaker 6:
[14:19] Baby, I love you. There's no way to save you.

Speaker 5:
[14:22] Like just going shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. No, no, don't. Natalie, no, shh, shh. No, it has to be this way.

Speaker 6:
[14:32] It was just like, it'd be so much.

Speaker 5:
[14:33] So you live, I just jump in the mud.

Speaker 6:
[14:36] If you so, yeah, no, but the guy did jump in the mud and it didn't take him.

Speaker 5:
[14:40] Yeah, it's because.

Speaker 6:
[14:40] Because he was like laying down on it. Instead of like putting his feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[14:43] Because dude's fucking rock.

Speaker 6:
[14:44] He was a little more buoyant.

Speaker 5:
[14:46] Yeah, yeah. No, I think that at that point, Natalie would be so mad, she would levitate out of the mud.

Speaker 6:
[14:53] Yeah, it would save her life. Yeah, I think how mad the bucket would make her.

Speaker 5:
[14:57] If I put the bucket on her head for her to go, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, she would rise super sand, like filled with rage. Ready, oh, I'm the one in the bucket.

Speaker 3:
[15:09] Oh, I'm the one in the fucking bucket.

Speaker 6:
[15:11] I imagine the bucket would just melt if I put it on Julie's head. It would just storm to her face. Just like the, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8:
[15:17] They'd just be like, you fucking bastard.

Speaker 5:
[15:19] I could hear it, you hear it from the shore. You, you know, You'd be like, I'm certain we're all gonna have to get over this. You know, like in the husband's back with the police, it's just been like, this is just been, there's no way I can get money back on the hotel, right? Like this is, he's already kind of like formulating and he's just like, because you know, again, because we have to cope.

Speaker 6:
[15:40] Yes. Yeah, but that was the most, one of the most horrific deaths.

Speaker 5:
[15:44] Oh yeah.

Speaker 8:
[15:46] It's really fucking bad, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[15:47] I never heard about my entire fucking life.

Speaker 5:
[15:49] Yeah, it's Alaska, man.

Speaker 6:
[15:50] That's Alaska, man. I was describing Alaska, I was like, it's so beautiful and white everywhere. And it's just like, I was like, if heaven was hell, you know?

Speaker 7:
[16:00] It's just, it is stark.

Speaker 6:
[16:03] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[16:03] It is stark. And we went to the world's most beautiful gas station.

Speaker 6:
[16:08] It's like, that's the fucking stuff they have out there. Like, go see the most beautiful gas station in the world. And I had a milkshake machine.

Speaker 3:
[16:17] And a milkshake machine.

Speaker 5:
[16:18] And a casual ass milkshake machine. When you get these milkshake bullets and you put it in the machine and you just go...

Speaker 6:
[16:25] We shouldn't be in charge of the milkshakes.

Speaker 5:
[16:27] Milkshakes should not be so readily available.

Speaker 6:
[16:30] They gotta take time. You should feel a little bit of guilt of ordering. There should be a line at the ice cream store. Everyone wants scoops. And you're like, I want a milkshake. And they gotta sit there and slowly blend it.

Speaker 5:
[16:40] I drink my...

Speaker 6:
[16:41] That's the pain that you should feel by ordering. I want more.

Speaker 7:
[16:44] I want it through a straw.

Speaker 5:
[16:46] I'm so sickened with myself. I'm sickened with myself if I get a milkshake so thoroughly that I drink it alone. In a car, like I don't...

Speaker 6:
[16:55] Well, that's what these guys do.

Speaker 5:
[16:56] Yeah, well, that's different. They're doing that because they're driving dead sex workers around.

Speaker 6:
[16:59] You know, we had a milkshake type of machine when I worked at Dairy Queen. You know it's just like fucking sludge that comes out of a jug that they make slightly colder.

Speaker 5:
[17:08] Of course.

Speaker 6:
[17:09] It's just thicker chocolate milk that they just make a little colder.

Speaker 8:
[17:11] It's ice cream soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[17:13] It's all it is. It's all it is.

Speaker 5:
[17:14] It's delicious. Well, thank you, Alaska. You treated us right.

Speaker 6:
[17:17] Yeah, shout out to Paco Lolo. Oh my God. They hooked us up. They were great. A little brunch, weed consumption. They made a weed consumption lounge correctly.

Speaker 5:
[17:28] Fairbanks. There is a weed heaven in the Arctic Circle called the Poco Loco.

Speaker 6:
[17:34] Poco Loco.

Speaker 5:
[17:34] Poco Loco.

Speaker 6:
[17:35] Which is a Hawaiian name for weed.

Speaker 5:
[17:38] We went up.

Speaker 6:
[17:38] I mean, I guess they are.

Speaker 5:
[17:40] You smoke in there, you rent a gravity bong. You could rent a fancy gravity bong. That is one of the most perfect cannabis lounges.

Speaker 6:
[17:49] All glass, like, roar, gravity bong.

Speaker 5:
[17:53] It was...

Speaker 6:
[17:53] I couldn't believe it. I was like, this shouldn't be nice.

Speaker 5:
[17:55] So if you like weed...

Speaker 6:
[17:56] I shouldn't like this too much. Exactly.

Speaker 5:
[17:58] And if you like weed, get up to Fairbanks. Like straight up.

Speaker 6:
[18:01] I feel like it made us immune.

Speaker 5:
[18:03] It died delicious weed.

Speaker 6:
[18:05] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[18:05] So much delicious weed.

Speaker 6:
[18:06] It was unbelievable. So good.

Speaker 5:
[18:07] Shout out to Legs, too. Thanks for the joints.

Speaker 6:
[18:09] And yeah, yeah. And also, we did in Fairbanks, we did our show at this cute little place called the Basement. It was below the best Thai food I ever had in my whole life.

Speaker 5:
[18:17] Yeah, Bontai.

Speaker 6:
[18:18] Yeah, but like we ate it twice. We ate there twice. But the basement, unbelievable, cool little theater spot right in the middle of Fairbanks. They had a drag show with like a full set like next week.

Speaker 5:
[18:29] It's up to these little towns. I mean this. We've talked about the Sennacheren. Now we've gone to a lot of places. It's kind of up to you to build the alt scene you need. Like we walked in that room. We sold 200 tickets in Fairbanks. Half that room. Can't believe it. Half that room had never even heard of the basement before. Hadn't even been to the basement. Go and make your scene alive. That's how you do it. You go to the small place. You guys all showing up is that makes it actually a cool place for people to come. We want to be there more. That's the idea. If you've got a little scene, bring us to it. SideStoriesLPOTL at gmail.com. We really love meeting people.

Speaker 6:
[19:06] We're totally down to check. Now that we saw that people will show up in Fairbanks, like fucking let's rock. Oh, you know who didn't come to the show? The Jesta Man.

Speaker 3:
[19:16] Jesta Man, Jesta Man, Jesta Man, Jesta Man.

Speaker 6:
[19:21] So we are staying at this Airbnb right outside of the scariest fucking retirement home. It's the wrong word, mortuary.

Speaker 5:
[19:32] It was a crema, it was a pre-crematorium.

Speaker 6:
[19:35] It was a giant cement rectangle that held dying people.

Speaker 5:
[19:40] Yeah, and it was covered in snow and icicles. And we're sitting there after our show, smoking weed, watching the snow come down, and a man in a Jesta hat.

Speaker 6:
[19:48] I think it's his hair. I think it was his hair.

Speaker 5:
[19:51] It had bells, he had bells.

Speaker 6:
[19:53] He had bells on his little cart.

Speaker 5:
[19:54] I don't know.

Speaker 6:
[19:55] I think the bells were because he wanders off.

Speaker 3:
[19:57] Jesta Man, Jesta Man.

Speaker 5:
[19:59] And the Jesta Man walked around, and he walked around, and the Jesta Man jingled jangled in the night and he got covered with snow.

Speaker 7:
[20:08] The Jesta Man, so frightening.

Speaker 6:
[20:09] I feel like 20 years ago, the Jesta Man was frightening. Now he's just looking for a place to die.

Speaker 7:
[20:14] I'm so afraid of the Jesta Man.

Speaker 5:
[20:16] I was so afraid.

Speaker 7:
[20:17] Everybody beat the Jesta Man.

Speaker 8:
[20:19] I kept, and then he kept looking at us.

Speaker 7:
[20:21] It was like one in the morning.

Speaker 3:
[20:22] Yeah, it was like, don't let the Jesta Man come and get us, Billy, don't let the Jesta Man come and get us.

Speaker 6:
[20:26] If I could cross this street physically, I would try and kill you.

Speaker 8:
[20:30] The curse that held me to this parking lot is what allows me to not murder you.

Speaker 3:
[20:37] A jingle, a jingle. Jingle, jingle, jangle, Jesta Man, Jesta Man.

Speaker 5:
[20:41] Well, if you guys know the Jesta Man, hit us up.

Speaker 6:
[20:44] Hit us up, let us know, tell them we want them on the show.

Speaker 7:
[20:47] This is a paid ad by BetterHelp.

Speaker 5:
[20:50] BetterHelp connects people with fully qualified therapists who can help them to manage the emotional weight that comes with financial stress. Financial stress extends beyond a budget. It can disrupt sleep, increase anxiety. BetterHelp works with over 30,000 fully qualified therapists, you bet. A short questionnaire matches you with someone based on your needs, so you could focus on your goals instead of navigating the search process. With more than 12 years of experience and industry leading match rate, BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. If it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time. BetterHelp has served over 6 million people globally, and may help if financial stress is weighing on you.

Speaker 7:
[21:33] When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up at getdempresent.com at betterhelp.com/lastpot.

Speaker 5:
[21:39] That's betterhelp.com/lastpot. Are you tired of spending hundreds on crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that cost you more in the long run? Then a premium wireless plan for Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month might be right for you. Bring your own phone and number, activate with eSem in minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassles. I absolutely love my Mint Mobile phone. Oh man, I saved so much money on my Mint Mobile, you wouldn't even believe it, man. I got to upgrade.

Speaker 7:
[22:16] I bronzed Wendy.

Speaker 5:
[22:18] Yep, she's still alive. But it's nice to hear the little barks coming from in there, and we put some kibbles in the slot near her mouth. But it's just been so nice to have the money to finally be able to do something that's been on my Pinterest board for a while. So thank you, Mint Mobile. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com/lpotl. That's mintmobile.com/lpotl. Upfront payment of $45 for three month, five gigabyte plan required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

Speaker 4:
[22:56] There's nothing like your first Mac. Here's what people online are sharing. At Dr. Rain says, everything is just so smooth and fast, I still can't get over it. Sinking stuff between my phone and this is just chef's kiss. At MrIncredible488 says, Apple silicon basically cures low battery trauma. That's how they felt with their first Mac. How will you? Introducing the all-new Macbook Neo, an amazing Mac at a surprising price. Find out more on apple.com/mac.

Speaker 7:
[23:28] All right, we got some updates.

Speaker 5:
[23:30] First of all, great news.

Speaker 6:
[23:32] Finally.

Speaker 7:
[23:32] D4vd.

Speaker 6:
[23:33] Got his fucking ass.

Speaker 5:
[23:35] Finally arrested. You know what? I look at all these pictures, so D4vd, just to remind you, we've been covering this. D4vd, his name is fucking David.

Speaker 6:
[23:44] Yes.

Speaker 7:
[23:45] But D4vd, which is what he calls himself, because I guess he's half a stupid fucking robot.

Speaker 5:
[23:50] He's finally been arrested for the murder of Celeste Rivas Hernandez. We know that her body was found in his Tesla. We've been covering this for a long time. But one thing I will say truly about him, now looking at all these pictures of him, he really could have been more happy on these red carpets. Because I really think that if he had enjoyed himself more, he really always frowning.

Speaker 6:
[24:13] Are you worried about how sad D4vd was?

Speaker 5:
[24:15] He's just always frowning.

Speaker 7:
[24:16] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[24:17] Because I know all of his music was about choking Celeste to death, but it seems like it would be weird. You'd think he'd smile more.

Speaker 6:
[24:23] Yeah, he used to have it all, but now he just has everything.

Speaker 7:
[24:27] Wow. Are you Bradley Cooper?

Speaker 5:
[24:30] No, but D4vd is going to go to jail finally. But I wonder what took so long.

Speaker 6:
[24:37] They just wanted to make sure 4,000 percent they were going to be able to put him away forever.

Speaker 5:
[24:44] Yeah, because obviously he had been grooming her for a long time and he had been... I honestly wonder if there's somebody else.

Speaker 6:
[24:50] I mean, he bought a fucking, what was it? Crematorium? Is that what it is? Incinerator. He bought an incinerator for his Bel Air home.

Speaker 8:
[25:00] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[25:00] You know, not many incinerators in Bel Air homes.

Speaker 5:
[25:03] No, not only was there Warren Buffett.

Speaker 6:
[25:04] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[25:05] You know what I mean?

Speaker 5:
[25:05] Like how many tax documents?

Speaker 6:
[25:07] He's the one good one.

Speaker 3:
[25:08] He's the only one.

Speaker 5:
[25:08] He was the only good one ever.

Speaker 6:
[25:10] He's the one good billionaire. That's because his last name is Buffet.

Speaker 3:
[25:14] Yep.

Speaker 5:
[25:15] It's French for big fat.

Speaker 6:
[25:16] Lay him out. I'll eat all of it. That's what he does. He's so nice that he gets naked and he puts a buffet on himself and that's how his servants eat. They eat off of him like that. Warren Buffet.

Speaker 5:
[25:29] Just eating some turkey sausage disks off of Warren Buffet. His fupa, pulling little pieces of beautiful chicken sausage out of the wispy hairs above the mound on his penis.

Speaker 6:
[25:42] Just wrapping sashimi around his tiny cock.

Speaker 5:
[25:46] Just pouring pancake batter in his mouth and having him fucking mama burn it back into my mouth. God, I wish it be around Warren Buffet. I want to be inside him.

Speaker 6:
[25:57] His asshole is a glory hole.

Speaker 5:
[25:58] I, um, he's dead, right? No.

Speaker 6:
[26:02] He's very much alive. He paid his taxes and then told all of us that the other billionaires paid our taxes that we wouldn't have to pay our taxes.

Speaker 5:
[26:10] No, I know. Warren Buffet's correct.

Speaker 6:
[26:11] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[26:12] And also, Warren Buffet, shut up. All right? If you're not going to do anything about it, go kick their asses, Warren Buffet.

Speaker 8:
[26:17] Go do something about it. Start a fucking fight.

Speaker 6:
[26:20] You know, he tries to help. He does try to help.

Speaker 5:
[26:22] We also have, oh, another here isn't a fun, this is like a more fun story. Do you see this thing about sucking on King Charles' sausage fingers?

Speaker 6:
[26:28] Oh, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[26:29] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[26:29] So we, last week, we talked about, I didn't know how fat King Charles' fingers were.

Speaker 8:
[26:34] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[26:34] They're horrible.

Speaker 6:
[26:35] They're like three pounds each.

Speaker 8:
[26:36] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[26:37] And each one is like a fiddled temping.

Speaker 6:
[26:39] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[26:39] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[26:40] Yeah. They're like, each one of his fingers are like their own water weenie.

Speaker 5:
[26:44] And now a lot of people are like, oh, it's cause he's sick.

Speaker 7:
[26:46] Who gives a shit?

Speaker 6:
[26:47] Yeah, I don't care. He's the king. I can be sick.

Speaker 7:
[26:49] Fuck your fucking ass.

Speaker 5:
[26:50] I hope you stay sick.

Speaker 6:
[26:51] I hope you woke up sick when you were born.

Speaker 5:
[26:53] I want the whole family to die. I want the whole family to be fucking wiped out by all of you.

Speaker 6:
[26:57] Yeah, I can't believe they've been fucking each other for so long and they're not dumber than this.

Speaker 1:
[27:02] it.

Speaker 5:
[27:02] I can't believe Prince Harry has two eyes.

Speaker 6:
[27:04] It's ridiculous.

Speaker 7:
[27:05] All right, so fuck these people.

Speaker 5:
[27:06] So he has these big, thick old fingers, right?

Speaker 7:
[27:08] Everyone loves to make fun of him.

Speaker 5:
[27:10] Of course they do because he's got big, thick, crazy fingers and he's done not a single... Because you know who should have big, thick fingers?

Speaker 8:
[27:18] A blue collar man.

Speaker 6:
[27:19] Oh, they do.

Speaker 5:
[27:20] You know, when you see those things...

Speaker 6:
[27:20] Don't worry, but that's from like alcohol.

Speaker 5:
[27:22] Oh yeah, but you know when you see those Instagram pictures where it's like, his hands look like this, so that mine can look like this. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[27:30] Well, I remember when my dad was dying in Reno, this Uber driver I had one day. He's like scarred into my memory. He was driving me to the hospital and he had those driving gloves on. It was just like, but out the top of the driving gloves were like the fattest King Charles fingers I ever saw. It was just like the whole time when he was driving, he was like, my hands.

Speaker 3:
[27:52] I was like, you should get a different job.

Speaker 6:
[27:57] I'm just like driving me to the hospital to watch my father die. I'll never forget that.

Speaker 7:
[28:05] Good Lord.

Speaker 5:
[28:07] But now there's a company that you can go get. Tobacco Vapes. It's an e-cigarette company that looked like his fat fingers.

Speaker 7:
[28:19] It's very funny.

Speaker 6:
[28:20] So you can kind of suck on his fat fingers in the street and blow out your weird cherry vape.

Speaker 3:
[28:28] That's so funny. Why does he just cut them off?

Speaker 6:
[28:32] Oh, man. He doesn't need them.

Speaker 5:
[28:33] He looks great with hooks.

Speaker 6:
[28:34] He can't even sign. They have to like put the finger in his hand, put the pen in his hand, and move his hand around.

Speaker 5:
[28:39] King only signs things.

Speaker 6:
[28:42] That's the only thing he does.

Speaker 3:
[28:43] Get him a stamp.

Speaker 6:
[28:44] Yeah, he can't even rape anymore.

Speaker 5:
[28:46] Not anymore. Isn't that sad for him?

Speaker 3:
[28:48] He can't even do it anymore. He's too old. Get him out of there.

Speaker 5:
[28:51] That makes me so sad for him. God, he used to be able to have so much fun. He really used to enjoy his life. What else we got here? We got some good stuff.

Speaker 6:
[29:00] There was a crazy, I feel like if we don't talk about it, it's bad, but like there was a horrific story. There was the Shreveport family annihilation, which they're calling domestic violence, which would be one of the largest school shootings of the year if it happened at a school.

Speaker 5:
[29:17] So Shamar Elkins, this was out of Shreveport, Louisiana.

Speaker 6:
[29:20] He murdered, not a happy place.

Speaker 5:
[29:22] No, he murdered eight kids. He shot his wife, and he shot, so seven of the kids were his. One of the kids was also his but by another woman who he also shot as well. Now all of this seems to have started on Easter fucking Sunday when he called his mother, who was estranged from him for a long time, because she had had him and she was struggling with crack use, and he was raised by a family friend, but they reconnected, and so they became emotional. She was trying to help him because he was obviously extremely upset. So he kept calling her and on Easter Sunday, he calls his mother for the Easter call, and she says she can hear all the kids in the background. He's like, I'm going to fucking kill everybody. I'm about to kill everybody.

Speaker 6:
[30:09] Which is said by lots of dads.

Speaker 5:
[30:11] Especially on Easter Sunday.

Speaker 6:
[30:13] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[30:13] We all got to get up. No one wants to go to church.

Speaker 6:
[30:15] I hate that we have to take this seriously now. You can't just randomly say you're going to kill the family anymore.

Speaker 5:
[30:20] Not anymore, Eddie. And that makes me upset because that's my leverage. So he goes out there and he tells his mom he can do it. They're all like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. He finally, it seems like, oh, he came out of it because he was posting a hopeful prayer on Facebook, which again, that never means he's out of it. I actually feel like the second you start seeing prayers on the Facebook page.

Speaker 6:
[30:46] Because prayers are supposed to be between you and God.

Speaker 5:
[30:48] Yeah, and if you're putting it on Facebook, you're bringing Zuckerberg in.

Speaker 6:
[30:51] No, I'll tell you that much. I don't know if God's real or not. I know he's not. But if God was real, God would not be on Facebook.

Speaker 5:
[30:57] Absolutely not. He'd be on Kinkster. What was that? The one that? Tender? He'd be on FetLife. Yeah, he'd be on FetLife. He'd be dressed as a dog. He'd be leaving him around with a dog leash.

Speaker 3:
[31:10] He'd be eating out of a bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[31:12] He'd be one of those.

Speaker 6:
[31:12] Talking to little boys on AIM.

Speaker 8:
[31:14] Oh, yeah, it's on ESL.

Speaker 7:
[31:16] Too old, too old.

Speaker 3:
[31:18] I'm God. I'll make you of age in an instant. Boom, boom, now you're a full grown man. Have sex with me. Boom, boom, back to a child.

Speaker 7:
[31:27] Being a God, God is wonderful.

Speaker 6:
[31:31] I'm sorry, back to this horrific story.

Speaker 7:
[31:33] Yeah, so this back to this horrific story.

Speaker 5:
[31:35] So he did kill everybody.

Speaker 6:
[31:37] And then he shot a total of 10 people.

Speaker 5:
[31:40] It's really up.

Speaker 6:
[31:40] Eight were children.

Speaker 5:
[31:41] Yes, and it's really, really fucked up. But then he stole a cop car. We stole a car.

Speaker 6:
[31:45] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[31:46] And then was murdered by the police. And then they got him in the end. So that's really all the fantastic comedy we can really work out of this.

Speaker 6:
[31:53] There really isn't any comedy at all. It's fucking horrible. There's no one knows how he got a gun. But you're trying to figure that out. He sought mental health care in the past. He did. And he wasn't able to get it, which fucking sucks.

Speaker 5:
[32:06] That does suck.

Speaker 6:
[32:06] You know, maybe we should try to make that a little more available.

Speaker 5:
[32:09] Maybe make a bit of a priority there. But also, you know, this is an example. You were asking before the show, what's the difference between this and like a mass killing or a street killing?

Speaker 6:
[32:21] A mass shooting is kind of what I was asking.

Speaker 5:
[32:23] It seems, well, because there's so many different wonderful diverse types of murder and that each one comes from a different place.

Speaker 6:
[32:32] So when you look at spree killing, if he would have done this, if he killed the same exact people in a church, would it have been a spree shooting or still a family annihilation?

Speaker 5:
[32:41] No, it would have been a spree killing. Well, if it was the same people, it would have been family annihilation. It depends on who you kill. The reason why he killed his family is because, familial side and especially family annihilation amongst dudes, because it was another guy that just did it, a former senator. Yeah. There was this other, what was this? A congressman just did this.

Speaker 6:
[32:59] Just killed his family?

Speaker 5:
[33:01] Killed his-

Speaker 6:
[33:02] Why are we talking about this guy?

Speaker 5:
[33:03] It's both. It's all of it.

Speaker 6:
[33:06] Don't worry.

Speaker 5:
[33:07] It's all of it. Oh yeah, former lieutenant governor also did this this week. Virginia's ex lieutenant governor killed his wife and then himself, and he was obsessed with, I guess, he was dealing with this- He had two separate allegations of sexual assault in 2019, a guy just in Fairfax, and he just never recovered. Because of how upset he was that they got him on those, because all the slews against him, he just never recovered, so he killed his wife and himself. But again, the reason why he does this is it's ego. It's loss of status. Men kill their families because they view, in the patriarchal view, that they are the product of them. And they are theirs to dispose of and to do whatever they want with. And that they are just proxies for the legacy of the father. So every single time, so that's why they do that. They do that to punish everybody. They do that to be like, none of you are now going to be here because I'm embarrassed.

Speaker 6:
[34:05] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[34:05] And I don't want you all to be embarrassed of me so much. I will kill you.

Speaker 6:
[34:13] Man, it's so weird. Like, I've always, my whole life, I've always considered myself a little bit of a feminist, you know?

Speaker 5:
[34:19] And I'd say you're a lot of a feminist because you're fucking so fat.

Speaker 6:
[34:22] I'm so, so big. Yeah. There's nothing I can do about it. 260 pounds. Yeah, probably pound for pound, one of the biggest feminists.

Speaker 7:
[34:29] One of the biggest ones I've ever seen.

Speaker 6:
[34:31] Yeah, I'm up there. Yeah. I'm at least three lesbians.

Speaker 3:
[34:33] Yeah.

Speaker 7:
[34:33] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[34:35] Stacked on the shoulders.

Speaker 5:
[34:36] I saw them in here. They're right here in Portland.

Speaker 8:
[34:38] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[34:39] I've seen, I've seen one of those totem poles before.

Speaker 6:
[34:42] But yeah, no, I've like, since doing this side stories more than the other show, I just like, men out, men are wrong all the time.

Speaker 5:
[34:52] You're right.

Speaker 6:
[34:52] They're always, it's always incorrect. It's always.

Speaker 5:
[34:55] We're sick because, well, we understand this because we also, we were kind of talking a little bit about this like with Billy, like we were talking about like the idea of like male privilege and white guy privilege is a part of that is you need to be able to, because of our power in this life, right? Because of what we get to be, the things that we don't have to deal with, we can also take the shit from everybody and we should. The whole point of it is that we can put ourselves in front of vulnerable people and other people and absorb the criticism because we should be able to take it. A lieutenant governor should be able to take accusations of sexual assaults and if they're not real, he will win in court and do the thing he needs to do to clear his name and then it's over. You don't have to then go like the idea is that you have that power to take that. These people are coming at you because you maybe abused your fucking power to rape them. And so it's this we are that's our job here.

Speaker 6:
[35:58] The lieutenant governor makes me just as angry if not more angry than this guy.

Speaker 5:
[36:03] This guy was like almost like it's actually two ends of the coin right because you have one end like this guy was kind of both bad start, bad middle, bad end right. He was in the military but he didn't really get much stuff out of it. He came like all of this like where was the military in this? Why weren't they there like helping him with this like so that's one and he was kind of abandoned and then the other dude the lieutenant governor guy is essentially just like it's an example of like you just were such a pussy that you couldn't take the heat so you killed your family.

Speaker 6:
[36:36] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[36:37] You know and like that's the that's the that's what it really comes down to is that you have to be able to take it and then also understand that it's I can fix me. I have the abilities to fix me if I really want to.

Speaker 6:
[36:50] Yeah, he did the governor. This guy tried to fix himself and they wouldn't let him.

Speaker 5:
[36:54] No.

Speaker 6:
[36:54] And not saying that he sucks.

Speaker 5:
[36:57] Yeah, of course.

Speaker 6:
[36:58] I like this guy in any way.

Speaker 5:
[36:59] Again, we always say you can always get in that car and drive to Mexico.

Speaker 6:
[37:04] Just leave.

Speaker 5:
[37:04] Just abandon your family.

Speaker 6:
[37:05] A real man leaves.

Speaker 5:
[37:06] A real man abandons his family. He doesn't kill everybody, all right? You go and live in shame in a worse state.

Speaker 6:
[37:13] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[37:13] You live that, you leave, you go to, you know where you go? You know what's great for it? Anchorage.

Speaker 6:
[37:19] We were just there. Fairbanks even better.

Speaker 5:
[37:21] Ship them up. There's so many lost dads there.

Speaker 6:
[37:25] Just go be alone forever.

Speaker 5:
[37:27] You go work in an oil rig.

Speaker 6:
[37:29] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[37:30] No one will ever know, dude.

Speaker 6:
[37:31] You know, after like 10 years, you know what's pretty? Walrus. Walrus real pretty after a couple of years.

Speaker 5:
[37:38] You start going like, there's some softer. Actually, look at that, it's a soft one right there. I like right there, he's laying down.

Speaker 6:
[37:44] God, I won't comb your whiskers.

Speaker 5:
[37:46] Also, yeah, again, it's four in one. You guys learn how to suck dick.

Speaker 6:
[37:48] Yeah, you really should.

Speaker 5:
[37:50] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[37:51] Just be gay. Just be gay. Just enjoy it.

Speaker 8:
[37:53] Come on.

Speaker 6:
[37:53] I'm sure they are.

Speaker 8:
[37:56] Oh yeah, all those guys, you know how it is.

Speaker 6:
[37:57] Henry and I signed our first top surgery.

Speaker 8:
[38:00] We did.

Speaker 6:
[38:01] That was pretty impressive.

Speaker 8:
[38:02] I was pretty happy with that.

Speaker 6:
[38:02] I was really, I was like, wow. I was like, I feel like I officially feel safe. I officially...

Speaker 5:
[38:11] We're in there, man. I just feel like it is kind of nice, though. We can still, when we say horrible things, then they take it.

Speaker 6:
[38:16] Oh my God. You know what else is horrible? Like I...

Speaker 5:
[38:19] Oh, good.

Speaker 6:
[38:19] Oh yeah. I don't even know. I don't want to talk about it, but I feel like there's another one. It's just so gross. The Rape Academy.

Speaker 5:
[38:26] Oh God. We just are not even...

Speaker 6:
[38:28] I don't even know. I don't, there's no comment on it. I'm just disgusted with humanity right now.

Speaker 5:
[38:32] Yeah, it's just all, it's completely fucked up. But I will say, one thing I did not know was, apparently this year, which I guess is a big get for the Academy, is that Trump's speaking at the graduation. Oh, yeah. And I think that that's really kind of crazy for them. I can't believe that they got him to come out because he never leaves Mar-a-Lago. I guess they're doing it at Mar-a-Lago.

Speaker 6:
[38:51] Yeah, yeah, the salutatorian is going to be Brock Turner.

Speaker 5:
[38:53] Yeah, yes, absolutely. That's how you get in. How you get in is that you write, you're in order to get into the Rape Academy. I heard you have to do an essay about Brock Turner, like your personal hero in the scene, like in the industry. Who are you building your career off of?

Speaker 7:
[39:10] Are you Bill Cosby?

Speaker 5:
[39:12] Are you Jimmy Savile? I need one of those. But all those take money, guys.

Speaker 6:
[39:16] Yeah, so they're really upset because there's a horrible porn site that has the Rape Academy with the sub-sex ZZZZZ.

Speaker 5:
[39:24] It's just all just the worst shit.

Speaker 6:
[39:26] And it's just guys drugging their wives and them doing it and putting it on there and people are teaching each other how to rape their wives, which is fucking insane.

Speaker 5:
[39:36] Yeah, it's extremely bad.

Speaker 6:
[39:37] It's the most upsetting thing I think I've ever read about.

Speaker 5:
[39:40] Yep, it is.

Speaker 6:
[39:41] And I'd rather read about the guy who kills his whole family.

Speaker 5:
[39:44] Yep, and it's like, I'll never be like this. I'm saying this to go entirely satirically, but nothing makes me want to draft more than the Rape Academy. Nothing says to me, like nothing makes me say, send the 22 year olds to Iran more than the Rape Academy. But I don't.

Speaker 6:
[40:00] 62 million hits in the month of February, the shortest month in the month of February, 62 million hits on the website.

Speaker 5:
[40:06] Valentine's Day.

Speaker 6:
[40:07] Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day.

Speaker 8:
[40:10] That sucks.

Speaker 6:
[40:10] It's not President's Day?

Speaker 8:
[40:13] Well, that's when he does it.

Speaker 6:
[40:14] Yeah. Yeah. Only 100,000 of the clicks were Trump.

Speaker 8:
[40:18] That was it.

Speaker 5:
[40:18] Well, he was just, again, he was just trying to see how his tweets were doing.

Speaker 4:
[40:22] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[40:22] It's because his hands can't reach all this stuff. He's always hitting the refresh. So if you eliminate it, why is that not dark web?

Speaker 5:
[40:33] Because it is encrypted. I do think a lot of it is, some of it is invite only, some of it is loose. It's not just like-

Speaker 6:
[40:41] 62 million don't sound like invite only.

Speaker 5:
[40:44] But I mean, you'd actually be surprised.

Speaker 6:
[40:47] Is it like people just there all day?

Speaker 5:
[40:49] I actually, I don't quite know. I don't quite know. I didn't fully go into it, honestly, because I just didn't want to.

Speaker 6:
[40:55] The Disneyland website had 28 million. That's the difference.

Speaker 7:
[41:01] That's the difference.

Speaker 5:
[41:02] I can't even talk about this anymore.

Speaker 8:
[41:04] How upsetting is that fact?

Speaker 5:
[41:06] More people went to the Rape Academy website than Disneyland.

Speaker 6:
[41:10] More than double. People are just on there trying to make reservations. You got to make reservations 90 days out.

Speaker 5:
[41:17] I got to say, that lightning lane is really killing Disney. That's what this is about. This is actually more commentary on the lightning lane. People are not happy with that. None of us are, Disney.

Speaker 6:
[41:29] Yeah. We know it's out there. We obviously think it's the worst thing ever, and I just don't want to even give it more press, but I felt like we had to talk about it.

Speaker 5:
[41:39] Well, it's just one of those things as dudes. It's another thing that we have to understand that is out there. If we ever see anything like that, you call it out and you call them a creep and a pervert, and you tell everybody you know that that's a person that who's doing and you literally just destroy them.

Speaker 6:
[41:54] That if you find out someone you know is visiting this website, I think you're allowed to hit them.

Speaker 5:
[41:58] I think you should.

Speaker 6:
[41:59] I think that's allowed.

Speaker 5:
[42:00] I'd go in there and say, do it.

Speaker 6:
[42:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[42:02] Yeah, you are allowed.

Speaker 6:
[42:03] I think they're Nazi territory.

Speaker 3:
[42:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[42:05] Yeah, that's in there. I think they're probably pretty close. I will also say, can guys please stop sending me, not like in a joking way, you know how many of you keep sending me, they're like, oh hey, your guy's at it again.

Speaker 6:
[42:21] Who's your guy?

Speaker 5:
[42:22] What do you mean, my guy? They're like Dayton Webber, your guy, the quadruple amputee, right? They keep sending me more of this.

Speaker 6:
[42:27] Oh, they found a swastika on his belly.

Speaker 8:
[42:29] Oh my fucking god.

Speaker 6:
[42:30] How does a guy with no arms and legs scrape a swastika into himself?

Speaker 5:
[42:35] Do you understand that the Nazis- You must really want it.

Speaker 3:
[42:38] The Nazis would have put you in a basket.

Speaker 5:
[42:40] I would have thrown you over the fucking wall into a chamber, dude. They would have fucked you up, dude. The Nazis wanted nothing to do with you, man. They would have fucking killed you.

Speaker 6:
[42:54] You throw a bag on wood.

Speaker 5:
[42:56] Dude, that's your whole career and existence. You made it happen for you.

Speaker 6:
[43:00] How did you get full of yourself?

Speaker 5:
[43:01] But then he's cool because he taught himself how to shoot a gun. But then someone sent me the video of him doing the nub stand, where he was doing blow, they put blow on a dollar bill and they put it underneath his face, and he did the blow like a Tommy boy, and then he came down from the nub stand, grabbed an AK-47 and started shooting it out the window. And what is this guy? What is even happening out here? Man, I've got even Anchorage.

Speaker 6:
[43:26] I know you're upset about not having arms and legs.

Speaker 5:
[43:29] Well, yeah, but you also became a cornhole champion.

Speaker 6:
[43:32] You became a champion.

Speaker 5:
[43:33] Like you won.

Speaker 6:
[43:34] Like how are you not satisfied?

Speaker 5:
[43:37] He's not satisfied. And maybe that's what the true strength of a champion is.

Speaker 6:
[43:41] God. Well, at least we know where he's going to be hanging out in prison.

Speaker 5:
[43:44] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[43:45] God.

Speaker 5:
[43:45] Where?

Speaker 6:
[43:46] With the Nazis.

Speaker 5:
[43:47] Oh, I thought you meant in sort of like an area where he'd be like floating in a pool, or he'd be on a bunch of leaves, or be nailed through a wall. You know those old jokes.

Speaker 6:
[43:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so short that you can not see him. All right. Come on.

Speaker 5:
[43:59] Come on.

Speaker 6:
[43:59] All right.

Speaker 5:
[44:01] He just got... Honestly, he doesn't even have an armband. He needs more of a uniform because guess what they don't make?

Speaker 6:
[44:08] Belts.

Speaker 8:
[44:08] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[44:13] God, it's fun to come...

Speaker 5:
[44:15] It's fun to attack him.

Speaker 6:
[44:16] It's like you never get to make fun of someone with no arms and legs.

Speaker 8:
[44:19] No, it just hits only him.

Speaker 6:
[44:20] He's in there.

Speaker 8:
[44:22] Thank you, guy.

Speaker 6:
[44:25] He is your boy.

Speaker 8:
[44:26] He's not my boy.

Speaker 3:
[44:27] He's not my boy.

Speaker 5:
[44:29] LRH is my boy. You're allowed to say other guys are my boy. He is not my boy. He's just a guy. I thought he was, I liked him before he murdered her, before I knew all this stuff. I liked him before.

Speaker 6:
[44:41] He was just a champion. He was-

Speaker 3:
[44:43] That's what I liked.

Speaker 6:
[44:44] He had the whole world in his, hmm.

Speaker 5:
[44:48] Sling.

Speaker 6:
[44:49] Yeah, his bellybutt. His bellybutt.

Speaker 5:
[44:54] God, he's got to have a deep bellybutt.

Speaker 7:
[44:57] He uses it for soup.

Speaker 5:
[44:59] Do you have any idea how difficult it is to organize your finances when all of your money is in wet dollar bills and old coins? There's a much easier way to start. Rocket Money. Rocket Money can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel on wanted ones with a few taps.

Speaker 3:
[45:15] Tippity tap, tippity tap.

Speaker 5:
[45:17] The app consolidates checking savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give you a clear view of their financial picture with a tippity tap. You give it a tippity tap on the app. A little tippity tap.

Speaker 3:
[45:28] Okay.

Speaker 5:
[45:28] You get your money on the app. You can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports. Anything to have you understand that you are rapidly spending your money quickly. All right. Rocket Money is going to help you stop the bleeding, set savings goals for something big. And users should create a financial goal with Rocket Money, save over $70 on average within the first 30 days. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/lpotl. That's rocketmoney.com/lpotl. rocketmoney.com/lpotl.

Speaker 4:
[46:11] Live from your grave.

Speaker 6:
[46:15] Oh man, how about this? All right, this one is all right. So if you've ever listened to Roundtable, you know my fucking hatred for this organization and it got a good serving of justice this week. SantaCon, I hate SantaCon. I worked in the bar business in New York for many years.

Speaker 5:
[46:33] Does Portland have SantaCon? I think so. You guys have SantaCon?

Speaker 6:
[46:36] I'm sorry. It's the worst. It's an organization. If you don't know what SantaCon is, every December, one of the Saturdays leading up to Christmas, every fucking asshole that wants to be a piece of shit gets drunk dressed like Santa Claus.

Speaker 5:
[46:49] Every frat boy fucking douchebag in the whole fucking city goes out there. Anywhere there's a SantaCon, it fucking sucks.

Speaker 6:
[46:57] Yeah, it's always awful. They're always like puking on each other and fucking each other.

Speaker 5:
[47:01] But I did not understand that it was for charity, right? So apparently that was kind of part of the whole thing.

Speaker 6:
[47:07] It started from a good place and was quickly ruined.

Speaker 5:
[47:10] And now we know why it's ruined.

Speaker 6:
[47:12] Yes. Stefan Pildes. Pildes, sorry, I couldn't read his name. He's 50 years old.

Speaker 8:
[47:16] You need glasses.

Speaker 6:
[47:17] He's from, I need lots of things.

Speaker 8:
[47:19] May I have you some glasses?

Speaker 6:
[47:20] Please. You know, I went to the eye doctor. He's like, you're fine. I'm like, I know I'm not. I think you're bad. I didn't read the letters. And he's like, good job. And I'm like, what happened?

Speaker 7:
[47:30] You don't need it. You're too pretty to read.

Speaker 6:
[47:32] It's like, I need a better eye doctor. I got so mad. He's like, do you smoke? And I was like, no. Well, I smoked marijuana. And he's like, and then he wrote, I smoked tobacco on my shit. I'm like, I don't fucking smoke cigarettes. It's not tobacco. It's not tobacco. Take it off. There's like, you said you smoked. There's no thing for weed. I was like, fuck you.

Speaker 8:
[47:49] Fuck you, eye man.

Speaker 5:
[47:50] You're really yelling.

Speaker 8:
[47:50] you, eye asshole.

Speaker 6:
[47:52] He sprayed some shit in my eyes. I couldn't see.

Speaker 5:
[47:54] He's like, order an Uber.

Speaker 6:
[47:55] I'm stuck in the lobby.

Speaker 8:
[47:56] I can't sit here and look at my phone.

Speaker 7:
[47:58] Then he was just trying to get rid of you.

Speaker 6:
[48:00] Then he was trying to keep me. Either way, SantaCon. So SantaCon, worst place in the world. It's like, it was such a nightmare every time. Like they're always like, the hospital, one of the guys that worked with me ended up at the hospital that night because some chick he knew, or it was like his girlfriend's roommate came home at four in the morning. She was covered in blood because someone broke a bottle over her head and she was dressed like Santa Claus. And then he brings her to the emergency room. And then when he gets to the emergency room, everyone in the emergency room at four in the morning is dressed like Santa Claus. It's a fucking nightmare. It needs to be stopped. But they were running it for charity, so they let it happen. Turns out, Stefan, what's his last name? Pildes?

Speaker 5:
[48:39] Pildes.

Speaker 6:
[48:40] Fuck him anyway. He's from Hewitt, New Jersey, was arrested on Wednesday and is awaiting appearance in Manhattan Federal Court charging him with wire fraud. He was stealing the SantaCon money from 2019 to 2024.

Speaker 5:
[48:56] Can it stop now?

Speaker 6:
[48:57] $2.7 million. He fucking was stole.

Speaker 5:
[49:01] He stole $2.7 million?

Speaker 6:
[49:03] He stole $2.7 million from charity.

Speaker 5:
[49:06] Can this just fucking end now?

Speaker 6:
[49:08] It needs to end. It should have ended before. Now that we know the money's not even going to charity and the dude was stealing it, it's all evil. Get rid of it.

Speaker 5:
[49:15] Get out of it.

Speaker 6:
[49:15] There's like children looking at these dudes dressed like Santa Claus fucking puking all over their cocks.

Speaker 5:
[49:20] You and I are just the same, though, that we're both over like drinking-based holidays.

Speaker 6:
[49:26] I hate it. Halloween, I'm at home watching horror movies.

Speaker 5:
[49:29] I love Halloween because Halloween's something else. It's more just St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve, St. Go-to-My-O, all of these things are just like-

Speaker 6:
[49:36] Stupid fucking no reason to exist holidays.

Speaker 5:
[49:39] It's just one of those things where you can drink at a great pace on your own. There's no reason to binge drink. You're going to fuck your life up.

Speaker 6:
[49:49] Dude, when I used to have to run the village poorhouse during SantaCon, it was like an eight-hour fistfight for me. I left the kitchen. I was like, kitchen only serving hot dogs. I was like, that's all you people deserve. I took the menu and I threw it in the trash for the day. I was like, hot dogs, that's all you get. Fuck you. You're ruining my restaurant. Then I would literally have to go. I saw some dude dressed like Santa Claus. I couldn't believe the balls on this guy. Right in front of me, full hand, comes down, slaps one of my waitresses in the ass. Hard as fuck. I couldn't believe it. I just leveled the guy and I threw him out of the bar, Looney Tunes style. Like a hand on the shoulder and a one on the belt. Like threw him out into the street. There was a cop outside. I was like, get this fucking guy out of here. He's salted, you know? And then it was just like, that's what it is. Oh, I know. I went down to the basement one time. There were two people dressed like Santa Claus, fucking in my cooler. Like a raccoon. Like where the food is. I was like, get out of here. What do you do? It's a disaster. It needs to end.

Speaker 5:
[50:55] Well, now maybe hopefully they'll get to the time.

Speaker 6:
[50:59] this shit, dude. I hate this man. I'm glad you fucking stole and you got caught.

Speaker 5:
[51:06] Pretty great.

Speaker 6:
[51:06] I fucking can't stand SantaCon. End this fucking charade.

Speaker 5:
[51:10] But let's also, now that we did some bad news, let's do some good news, Eddie.

Speaker 6:
[51:14] I felt like that was good news.

Speaker 5:
[51:15] No, but it's just another good news.

Speaker 6:
[51:16] All right, what is it?

Speaker 5:
[51:17] Our friend of the show, Arthur Clown.

Speaker 7:
[51:19] He's just got engaged to Jada Christie.

Speaker 6:
[51:23] Art got engaged.

Speaker 5:
[51:25] David Howard Thornton. I thought we were going to try, I was trying to sell Amber to him.

Speaker 6:
[51:29] I literally was like, what chick do I know can I hook up with this guy? Because when we interviewed him, he was single.

Speaker 5:
[51:34] Yeah, but now he's out there. So sorry, ladies, Art the Clown is getting hitched.

Speaker 6:
[51:39] Yeah, he was in full costume and he got down to one knee and he gave Jada Christie a ring and she said yes. They were all at the Huntsville Comic Con Expo. Congratulations.

Speaker 7:
[51:52] Good work, boy.

Speaker 6:
[51:53] Congratulations, Terrifier Clown.

Speaker 5:
[51:54] We better be at that wedding.

Speaker 6:
[51:55] Dude, if the Terrifier Clown could find love, anyone can find love.

Speaker 5:
[52:00] Yeah, because he's a murderer.

Speaker 7:
[52:03] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[52:04] He's a deep murderer. He's a scary dude.

Speaker 5:
[52:06] He's fueled by Satan's power.

Speaker 7:
[52:09] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[52:09] Dressed to the nines, she kissed him and took the ring.

Speaker 5:
[52:13] Because she knows what she's in for. She knows that she's a part of the Art the Clown company now.

Speaker 6:
[52:19] I mean, that's the safest place to be.

Speaker 5:
[52:21] Oh, yeah. I mean, that's why people fall in love with serial killers.

Speaker 6:
[52:23] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[52:23] Because if you're fucking the guy that kills women, he might not kill you. But guess what?

Speaker 6:
[52:29] What?

Speaker 8:
[52:29] A lot of times they get to you.

Speaker 6:
[52:30] Oh, man.

Speaker 5:
[52:31] Also, but you know who's sad? Another more sad news.

Speaker 6:
[52:34] Which one?

Speaker 5:
[52:35] Matt Schmidt of Schmidt. Sasha's house died in a house fire.

Speaker 6:
[52:38] So our favorite sausage house in Columbus, in Germantown, a wonderful Schmidt Sausage House, been open for over 100 years, I think. One of the owners of it sadly died this week. Shout out to the Schmidt family. You don't deserve this. You've been giving the town of Columbus, the city of Columbus, the state capital of Columbus, beautiful sausage.

Speaker 8:
[52:59] Just so good.

Speaker 6:
[52:59] Beautiful.

Speaker 8:
[53:00] The sausage is so good.

Speaker 6:
[53:02] Everything that you guys make is perfect. I'm so sorry that man had to go. He had many years of making sausage in his life and the future.

Speaker 5:
[53:10] Hopefully he's not the only guy making the sausages. But I do feel sad. I feel sad that he's gone. And we love you and we loved your establishment. And I wish I could have married into your family. And I wish that I could have loved your daughter in a way.

Speaker 7:
[53:24] I could have got us in there.

Speaker 3:
[53:25] I wish that I could have. I wish that I could have been a part of your family in a way.

Speaker 6:
[53:30] The fifth generation, fifth generation Schmitt, Matt Schmitt. Oh my God, dude. What a pillar to the community. He really was. That was like, we had, it was really like a day that I was dreading. And we had such a lovely day. Made it such a great day. And that's just us that one day.

Speaker 5:
[53:49] We fell in love again.

Speaker 6:
[53:50] They do it to hundreds of people every day, making them so happy with all their wonderful sausage platters.

Speaker 5:
[53:55] We sat, we made our sausages, Doc.

Speaker 6:
[53:57] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[53:58] We kissed, we shared a hot beer together.

Speaker 6:
[54:02] God.

Speaker 5:
[54:02] And that was really one of the best days of my life. And I'm including my wedding.

Speaker 6:
[54:06] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[54:07] Yeah, I'm including my wedding to my beautiful wife.

Speaker 6:
[54:09] Top 15 meals I think I've ever had.

Speaker 5:
[54:12] Yeah, really good.

Speaker 6:
[54:13] Really good sausage meal. I never expected it. Shout out to you. I hope... Do you think they'll make them into one?

Speaker 5:
[54:23] If I was in a sausage, you better be telling me.

Speaker 6:
[54:27] Like a casket? Like put a sausage casing around the casket?

Speaker 5:
[54:29] Let's just pitch this. You grind up his... Listen, you grind up your father's body and then the meat into a slush, put it into one big casing.

Speaker 8:
[54:39] How fun is that?

Speaker 3:
[54:40] Such a nice tribute to fruit.

Speaker 6:
[54:43] Just ruined immediately. I think just the casing around the coffin is fine.

Speaker 3:
[54:48] No, I like ground up.

Speaker 6:
[54:48] I think just the sausage casing around the coffin I think is totally fine.

Speaker 5:
[54:51] I thought the same spice mix.

Speaker 6:
[54:53] But what if it's just him not ground up in a sausage casing? Will you just look that?

Speaker 5:
[54:58] He just looks like his corpse has been put in a fucking glam skin condom. Yeah. Like it's being used to fuck the ground.

Speaker 6:
[55:05] And you think you wouldn't like that?

Speaker 5:
[55:07] Actually I would.

Speaker 6:
[55:08] Yeah, write in.

Speaker 5:
[55:10] sidestorieslpotl.gmail.com What food based burial do you want to be done to you? Honestly, I could be put in a bow bun. I could be put in a bow bun.

Speaker 6:
[55:18] That's because you're turning into one.

Speaker 5:
[55:20] Hey, I'm just, I'm earning my stripes.

Speaker 7:
[55:23] I'm earning my, I'm earning my stripes.

Speaker 5:
[55:26] All right, let's get to some, I have some listener e-mails.

Speaker 6:
[55:28] Oh, okay. Oh, and shout out to the Safari guy who said he'd rather be killed by an elephant than ever shoot one because he was killed by an elephant.

Speaker 5:
[55:37] And he got exactly how he wanted. Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 6:
[55:40] Elephant started charging him and he's like, I said it and I'm going to hold two and he's gone.

Speaker 5:
[55:45] He legitimately, he probably pulled up his gun and then he did that.

Speaker 6:
[55:49] He didn't carry one.

Speaker 5:
[55:50] Do you remember that was Nick Cage at the end of, what was that? When he's the angel.

Speaker 6:
[55:56] Oh, city of angels.

Speaker 5:
[55:56] Yeah, city of angels. Like I could see him just doing that like into the charging elephant.

Speaker 6:
[56:00] It wasn't him, it was Meg Ryan. Spoiler alert.

Speaker 5:
[56:03] Oh yeah, that's right. Her fucking ass dies in that shit.

Speaker 6:
[56:06] He stopped being an angel.

Speaker 5:
[56:07] He chose to not be an angel.

Speaker 6:
[56:08] He became a human.

Speaker 5:
[56:09] To have sex with Meg Ryan.

Speaker 6:
[56:10] They had sex and she went on a post-sex bike ride as you do.

Speaker 5:
[56:14] Oh sure.

Speaker 6:
[56:15] And then the truck took her and your father called it.

Speaker 5:
[56:18] We laughed, we had so much fun. But also, you know what I'll say about that? I chose you. It was kind of fun after that. Then he gets to be single. Yeah. Now he's single. You know what I mean? I do wonder if Nick Cage would be really good at being, I don't know if as an angel, I don't know how much riz he'd have at that point. But right after that, you get all the credit.

Speaker 6:
[56:37] Shout out to Gary Freeman. We love you, buddy. Thanks for being good to elephants your whole life and taking one for the team and making us understand that you are right. I think he was old. He was old enough. How old? He was like over 50, I think.

Speaker 5:
[56:52] That's not old enough, Eddie. We're 40. You're old. We're there. We're there. We're at it. I'm 42.

Speaker 6:
[56:59] What do you think would be better for me to be killed by at this point? Football player, elephant, or orca? What's better for my identity, my Last Podcast identity? We all know the ham's going to take me.

Speaker 5:
[57:14] You being torn apart by orcas. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[57:16] I feel like that's the way to go.

Speaker 5:
[57:17] Yeah, that would be awesome.

Speaker 6:
[57:18] I got invited to an orca party.

Speaker 5:
[57:20] I know.

Speaker 6:
[57:21] It's going to be on Earth Day. This comes out on Earth Day. Happy Earth Day, everybody. Do something nice for the planet.

Speaker 3:
[57:26] Do you get chum?

Speaker 6:
[57:27] I don't know yet. I will totally report back. There better be fish.

Speaker 5:
[57:31] Like, do you have to catch a seagull and drink its blood?

Speaker 6:
[57:33] So the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles has a new orca exhibit, and they're having the big opening black and white orca party on the 22nd. And because I'm a new orca celebrity, they invited me, and I'm going to go. And I imagine it's like a eyes wide shut party. I got an orca mask. And then I think we're just all going to fucking kill a Sea World trainer.

Speaker 7:
[57:58] Bring me my fish.

Speaker 5:
[58:01] I just came from the University of Alabama, for I'm a marine biologist major.

Speaker 6:
[58:06] Oh, this is going to come out after I go, so you can't uninvite me.

Speaker 5:
[58:10] It's too late.

Speaker 6:
[58:11] I already got in. I already took my pictures with the president.

Speaker 8:
[58:13] He's got your log jammed. He's got your log jammed.

Speaker 5:
[58:16] That's called a little bit of Hollywood.

Speaker 3:
[58:19] Welcome to Hollywood orca party.

Speaker 5:
[58:22] All right, here's some listener e-mails.

Speaker 6:
[58:24] All right, let's hear it.

Speaker 5:
[58:27] Okay, here we go. This one I actually thought was very interesting. This is about this. This is about Zack Bagans, Haunted Museum. We can do this one or we can do this other one.

Speaker 6:
[58:39] All right, he's, you know, we like him.

Speaker 5:
[58:41] He's fine.

Speaker 6:
[58:42] He's fine. He's fine.

Speaker 5:
[58:44] We have mutual friends.

Speaker 6:
[58:46] I think, you know, as far as people who do this for a living, he seems OK.

Speaker 5:
[58:51] Yes. Sure. So two years ago, I went to Las Vegas for the first time, mainly to do a Spartan race and also check out the city.

Speaker 6:
[59:00] I love the Spartan race. Just a nude marathon.

Speaker 5:
[59:03] No, no. Normally it's when you as two men, you run with yourself inside another man. You carry him around your waist.

Speaker 6:
[59:10] Oh, OK.

Speaker 5:
[59:11] Anyway, my sister said we should go to the Haunted Museum. The last time I had visited her in LA., I wanted to go to the Museum of Death.

Speaker 6:
[59:18] Rock and roll. Go see our picture.

Speaker 5:
[59:19] Yeah, we're in there now. I remember my sister saying she thought some stuff in the Museum of Death seemed disrespectful, blah, blah, blah. But she felt like that in the Haunted Museum. She thought that to me because I guess there's like a bed with dried blood on it. I don't know. Yeah. So she went through the whole thing, got a T-shirt. It was fun. I went home a few days later. Literally, as soon as I got home, one of my cats was dying. He was old, but he was circling the drain real quick. I had a family friend coming every day to check on him, though, and he just decompensated fast. I got home from the airport and I had to take him to the vet and he got put down that day. When I woke up the next day, I had three weird and kind of deep scratches in the center of my chest. I didn't think much of it since I have cats, but it was pretty far down my chest. Like two days later at work, I was rushing to get something done before my ship was over and I accidentally slammed a crane hook into my forehead. It didn't hurt that much, but it busted my forehead open and blood dripped onto my safety glasses. And I looked in the mirror and was just like, oh good. The next day we usually have this little meeting when somebody gets hurt, but we usually don't know who it was. But oh look, she got a big head injury, right? So pretty soon after that, I started to develop symptoms of a UTI, but I just wanted to take care of it quickly. So I did a telehealth appointment, got the prescription, picked it up after work. I ended up having a weird reaction to the medication. I felt feverish, all my joints hurt, I got inflamed. These events happened quickly in front of each other and just wondering if I was cursed by the museum.

Speaker 6:
[60:44] By the Saxon Museum?

Speaker 5:
[60:46] Yeah, she was aged, she saged herself afterwards and then it stopped.

Speaker 6:
[60:49] No, I think...

Speaker 5:
[60:49] And she threw the T-shirt, she got away from the museum.

Speaker 6:
[60:52] Well, did you taunt, what is it, Betsy, Becky? What's the doll? Pamela?

Speaker 5:
[60:58] Pamela. Yeah, a lot of haunted dolls named Pamela.

Speaker 6:
[61:03] Well I know that Robert the doll, if you taunt Robert the doll...

Speaker 5:
[61:06] He'll you up.

Speaker 6:
[61:06] He'll fuck you up, so like...

Speaker 5:
[61:08] Peggy the doll.

Speaker 6:
[61:09] Peggy the doll. I don't know, if you taunted Peggy, you know, then maybe that's something. Maybe did you take a picture of Peggy that you shouldn't have taken?

Speaker 5:
[61:15] Made me think about that. Well, how did you brought it upon yourself?

Speaker 6:
[61:17] Yeah, maybe, try writing Peggy a letter and sending it to the museum apologizing and see if that helps, honestly.

Speaker 8:
[61:23] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[61:23] And if nothing else, you'll do it, you'll feel better, you'll feel like you're trying a little harder.

Speaker 8:
[61:29] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[61:29] Yeah, don't throw out the shirt.

Speaker 8:
[61:31] I guess it's too late.

Speaker 6:
[61:32] Too late. Well, I mean, you could always donate it. People like that kind of stuff.

Speaker 5:
[61:36] Oh, yeah, honestly, you could ship it anywhere.

Speaker 6:
[61:37] Cursed items are good to put through thrift stores.

Speaker 5:
[61:40] You know, we sent here.

Speaker 6:
[61:41] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[61:41] PO. Box 470 North Hollywood, California, 91603.

Speaker 6:
[61:45] That's right. That's right. We'll take it.

Speaker 5:
[61:47] And this next one is one that's interesting, is that normally, you know, we have a bunch of different weird rabbit holes that people fall down. This is one I have never heard of before, but I just wanted to bring it to people's attention because I'm going to actually look into it a little bit. So this is a thing called the Gate Project, which is, I think that it's fake, but it's interesting.

Speaker 7:
[62:09] So I think it's on TikTok.

Speaker 6:
[62:11] It's got to be real.

Speaker 7:
[62:12] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[62:12] Of course.

Speaker 7:
[62:12] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[62:13] So this comes from, this is the person writing the letter. I just finished the Montauk Project episodes, and it reminded me of the fact that now there's a bunch of GenX women on TikTok who genuinely believe they're a part of a similar mind control, psychic power government program called the Gate Project. They all allegedly, they alleged that they were former gifted kids that were separated from their classes, and they were given special classes that they were used to develop psychic powers and that they all would separately jump into an astral project into this world called mall world, one word that was this sort of like liminal spaces.

Speaker 7:
[62:54] It is B-shaping, right?

Speaker 5:
[62:56] It's like, oh, there was a little part of me. I was like, so you're going to tell me that this is how up the astro plan is to go shopping?

Speaker 7:
[63:02] Right to the fucking mall.

Speaker 5:
[63:03] Are you serious?

Speaker 6:
[63:04] Like, to Claire's. Like, that's what the liminal space is.

Speaker 7:
[63:06] Immediately, they're going to what, Nordstrom Rack?

Speaker 5:
[63:10] No, I guess this is not just, this is, yes, it is on TikTok, but it's getting hundreds of thousands of likes. It's everywhere. People getting liberal GenX women have this idea, like, because it's kind of like the Indigo children. There seems to be a lot of, because we were, I was put into a gifted class as a kid, and that was like a thing, right? There was all, all of that was kind of, I had to take a special test and I got put in another room and I was told to, like, we could skip the grades and all that kind of shit. But my mom was like, no, don't do that, because, like, obviously you will be socially maladjusted. Everybody's going to be the shirt out of them.

Speaker 6:
[63:42] In Catholic school, they told me I was too big for gifted. They just let me take naps while they taught me the alphabet in fifth grade.

Speaker 5:
[63:52] He's going to die in a war.

Speaker 7:
[63:54] Don't worry about him.

Speaker 5:
[63:55] We don't need to teach him to read, okay?

Speaker 7:
[63:57] He's going to die out there.

Speaker 5:
[64:00] But that's the, it's this huge thing. But I do think, so one thing I watch, and it's like, people just desperately want to be special, desperately want to feel special. And I know that the gifted thing set up a lot of people for high potential, and then they didn't do the thing.

Speaker 6:
[64:19] You thought, because you were in AP classes, you were eventually going to be rich and running a Fortune 500 company.

Speaker 5:
[64:25] Yeah, and unfortunately, that's not really how it works. A lot of people are very smart, right? You just have to, you just don't get the stuff. It's just like, we were putting gifted classes because they considered us, and they thought we'd get bored.

Speaker 6:
[64:36] Yeah, college is full of all kinds of fucking idiots.

Speaker 5:
[64:38] Oh, very much so. You can still, the lowest person in any medical school that graduates is still a doctor.

Speaker 8:
[64:46] Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[64:46] You could be the fucking dumbest person in the world when you pass those classes.

Speaker 6:
[64:50] 2.0 doctor.

Speaker 5:
[64:51] Oh, there's plenty of them. You probably just met, that's your optometrist.

Speaker 8:
[64:54] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[64:55] That's what you just met.

Speaker 3:
[64:56] Oh, definitely.

Speaker 5:
[64:57] You just got a C gets degrees, optometrist.

Speaker 6:
[65:01] Yeah, it's like, why am I bending over?

Speaker 8:
[65:02] Yeah, and he's just like, this is always go from the bike.

Speaker 6:
[65:05] He starts with brown eye and move up to white eye.

Speaker 8:
[65:09] This is what I call, over here is where they deliver packages. We go from dark area in back, through the internal combustion, and we come up to the little globules in your head. They see all the ways the bullet will enter into your face. Is this good?

Speaker 6:
[65:28] Yes, great.

Speaker 5:
[65:29] Is this radio?

Speaker 6:
[65:31] It's for the internet.

Speaker 5:
[65:31] It's for the internet. You know what I mean? It's not for the radio.

Speaker 7:
[65:34] Guys, really good stuff this week.

Speaker 3:
[65:37] You didn't finish the thought.

Speaker 8:
[65:39] What do you mean?

Speaker 6:
[65:41] So what's the deal with these women?

Speaker 7:
[65:43] That's really it.

Speaker 5:
[65:44] It's like, if you look into this, it's just a whole world that they are... It's almost like people saw them on Tech Project and they saw MKUltra, and then like Gen X ladies were like, we want one. And then now they've made this new one where they go to the mall in their minds. The idea of closing your eyes just to go to the mall is extremely funny.

Speaker 6:
[66:04] Honestly, like when they were like, smart women have been manipulated, like I'm like, all right, I believe this. I believe this. And they're like, they took us to the mall like you're a fucking goddammit.

Speaker 8:
[66:13] Immediately to the fucking mall.

Speaker 5:
[66:16] What is the empty end pretzels like in the liminal world? Also, there's a movie called Coming Out. We Met The Guy, Kane Pixels, it's called The Backrooms. You're just ripping off the back rooms, guys.

Speaker 6:
[66:27] Yeah, man.

Speaker 5:
[66:27] You're done. It's not even fucking original.

Speaker 6:
[66:30] You didn't do it.

Speaker 5:
[66:30] You're just ripping off shit that already exists.

Speaker 6:
[66:33] Man, Alaska is all back rooms.

Speaker 5:
[66:36] Oh, if the back rooms exist, they are there.

Speaker 6:
[66:39] It's up there. It's in Anchorage.

Speaker 5:
[66:40] We walked through the back rooms to get to the venue.

Speaker 6:
[66:43] Oh my God, yes.

Speaker 5:
[66:44] Do you remember times I didn't know? Oh, man.

Speaker 6:
[66:46] Oh, the pet store that was just selling bird heads.

Speaker 8:
[66:50] I just bought it.

Speaker 5:
[66:50] I won't buy so many quail heads now.

Speaker 6:
[66:52] It's so funny. We went to a pet store that was only selling bird heads. They were like, we can't bring this in our luggage because I don't want them to check it, but give me your card.

Speaker 8:
[66:59] Yeah, because I want to...

Speaker 5:
[67:01] There was a basket of dried quail heads, and I just know that Natalie saw that basket, she'd burst into tears.

Speaker 6:
[67:09] I really wanted to get Carly one of those duck heads, but I didn't have the courage to put it in my luggage.

Speaker 5:
[67:13] No, we shouldn't, but we'll have them delivered to the office.

Speaker 6:
[67:15] Yeah, yeah, good idea. Yeah, to the office.

Speaker 5:
[67:18] Yeah, and then we can...

Speaker 6:
[67:18] If you have any duck heads, please send them over to PO. Box 470 North Hollywood, California, 911603.

Speaker 5:
[67:24] Live every day like you know it's gonna be your last. All right? Love the fact that it's your last day, so you don't have to go to work the next day. When you could laugh knowing that you're gonna fuck over everybody wherever you're at, because today is your last day at work and in life, and you don't care what happens after you die.

Speaker 6:
[67:44] This is the last year in the world. I know that for a fact, and you can watch HGX2 Season 2, The Blood Tournament, Crowning of the Ham Lord, now on YouTube, youtube.com/atlpntv.

Speaker 5:
[67:58] Go and watch it. It has been, we've got the-

Speaker 6:
[68:01] The first episode of Season 2 is out. Henry fucking crushes it. Jackie crushed it. We got Julia Rossi's in it.

Speaker 5:
[68:07] It's on LPNTV.

Speaker 6:
[68:07] It's really funny.

Speaker 5:
[68:08] It's really fucking funny. We brought in an expert editor from Adult Swim. We're literally made, we are going into a whole-

Speaker 6:
[68:13] We're making our own Adult Swim show.

Speaker 5:
[68:15] Yes, it is a full on Adult Swim show. So please go check it out on youtube.com/lpntv.

Speaker 6:
[68:20] That's right. It's going to be eight episodes long. The first one's out now. They're about a half hour each. It's like wall to wall fucking jokes. It's so much fun. We took everything that was great about the first season and then just put it right into this. And like, we really like tightened it up and made it fucking clip along. It's badass. I'm so proud of this. We have great guest stars coming up. Billy Wayne Davis, Trey Crowder, Maggie May, Alex Hooper, John Milheiser. We got all kinds of great people coming by. My wife, Julie Rosing.

Speaker 5:
[68:54] Extremely funny.

Speaker 6:
[68:55] We literally, and we pluck everyone from the network. It's so much fun. Marcus shows up. Natalie shows up. Jackie plays multiple parts. Go watch it. Amber's amazing. I fucking so proud of this. Please, please, youtube.com/atlpntv. Go check it out. Hit me up. Let me know what you think about it. I want to know.

Speaker 5:
[69:15] And go see the rest of us at lastpodcastontheleft.com. Go buy tickets to see us live.

Speaker 6:
[69:19] That's right.

Speaker 5:
[69:20] This weekend. We're in Cincinnati.

Speaker 6:
[69:22] Cincinnati on April 25th at the Taft Theater. That's this Saturday. Going to be a lot of fun. Please come out. Laugh really hard. I'm going to be screaming Hail Satan in front of my family. I need support.

Speaker 5:
[69:35] Yes, he does. Okay?

Speaker 6:
[69:36] I need support.

Speaker 5:
[69:37] We're doing this.

Speaker 6:
[69:38] I'm taking some big swings.

Speaker 5:
[69:39] They're very, they're very.

Speaker 6:
[69:42] They like God.

Speaker 5:
[69:43] But guess what? We're going to sour them on God.

Speaker 6:
[69:46] This is a hell of a way for them to find out. I'm astonished.

Speaker 5:
[69:50] Yeah, they'll find out this way. But also come before 26 Lexington, Kentucky over the Manchester Music Hall. We have very few tickets left.

Speaker 6:
[69:56] Very few tickets left for that. Please, let's sell this out. Let's have some fun in Kentucky. And then May 5th in Hollywood, Henry and I are going to be at Netflix as a joke festival at the Avalon Theater at 945 for the Late Show.

Speaker 5:
[70:10] Do not go to Stupid Night of Too Many Stars. You'll never meet those people. They don't give a fucking shit about you.

Speaker 6:
[70:16] They don't care. Yes, it's a benefit for autism. But they don't care about you.

Speaker 5:
[70:21] Give them money.

Speaker 8:
[70:22] Just send them money.

Speaker 6:
[70:24] You know someone who's autistic? Buy them ice cream.

Speaker 5:
[70:26] Buy them a sandwich.

Speaker 6:
[70:27] What are we doing here?

Speaker 8:
[70:28] Come to our goddamn show.

Speaker 6:
[70:31] All right, the night of a couple people you might know.

Speaker 5:
[70:33] And you might meet them.

Speaker 8:
[70:35] We'll hang out with you.

Speaker 3:
[70:36] I'll hang out with you all night.

Speaker 5:
[70:38] I'll get your fucking address. I'll come to your fucking house.

Speaker 6:
[70:41] We have time. We do have time.

Speaker 5:
[70:43] It's our city.

Speaker 6:
[70:43] We just went to fucking Alaska, all right? One of the night of too many stars. When was the last time John Stewart went to Alaska? Probably did some USO or something.

Speaker 5:
[70:53] And guess where? The night always has too many stars in Alaska.

Speaker 6:
[70:57] That's right.

Speaker 5:
[70:57] Because it's beautiful.

Speaker 6:
[71:00] Rochester, New York, May 30th, sold out. June 28th, London, Ontario, still some tickets. Come see us there. That's going to be a lot of fun. And then, of course, I'm hitting the road. I got new dates coming out. I got my first comedy store date on July 26th in the Belly Room. That's going to be a blast.

Speaker 3:
[71:16] You think you'll get past?

Speaker 6:
[71:17] I don't care. And that means yes, because I don't care. They'll pass me just to fucking make everyone who's worked for free for a decade really mad. That's the idea. But go to eddytoons.com to check out all the shows I got coming up. We got lots of fun. I got hit in the road hard this year.

Speaker 5:
[71:37] And honestly, thank you again to Robot Pirate Media. Thank you for all your help. You were guys super pros. So if you're in Portland for all your podcasting needs, check out Robot Pirate Media.

Speaker 6:
[71:46] That's right.

Speaker 5:
[71:47] Rub it. Rub it. Hail Satan.

Speaker 6:
[71:52] Fuck you, D4vd.

Speaker 5:
[71:54] See you in hell, D4vd.