transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:17] Welcome, everyone, to another episode of the Adeptus Ridiculous Podcast.
Speaker 2:
[00:20] Oh my god, what is that? Would it kill it? Kill it now, hit rid of it. Beat him to death with hammers.
Speaker 1:
[00:27] I was wondering when that was gonna come in to play. Yes, I am on a Kraken Ultimate headset because things and stuff are happening out of my control, and I'm in a new setup, and just grateful to be recording, but here we are, hi Bricky, hi Kirioth. patreon.com, slash Adeptus Ridiculous.
Speaker 2:
[00:47] patreon.com, slash Adeptus Ridiculous. Buy the merch at Orchidate, download in the description, buy the merch, buy the merch, yippee. Dude, this is bringing me back. I was just saying earlier before the podcast, I recorded my first videos on a HyperX Cloud, whatever headset mic, and this is just, can you say bad things about my mother and call me slurs? Because I need to bring back the 2009 experience.
Speaker 1:
[01:14] I need this job too much. I can't, I'm sorry. What's crazy though is like, as I was driving up to my brother's place, I was like, oh yeah, I'll go to Best Buy, I'll buy like a pretty decent mic, because if I'm going to be on the road, I'll get a good one. It was like, oh, it's a USB-C and XLR. I was like, great, USB-C. My brother's computer is so old, it doesn't have USB-C.
Speaker 2:
[01:40] That's funny.
Speaker 1:
[01:41] That's funny. I was like, God, I spent a lot of money on that mic. I'll just return it and get like a Blue Yeti or something so that this doesn't happen again. But I was just like, oh man, what a day, what a day. What a day, lads. Let's talk about Warhammer, right?
Speaker 2:
[01:55] Yeah, let's do that. Can I put in, actually, or Shy, whoever, can I have a random fire alarm chirp, a case maybe every time DK speaks?
Speaker 1:
[02:09] Classic, dude.
Speaker 2:
[02:11] Maybe a dog barking in the background, there's some kind of vacuum cleaner. I think we need to get the full experience.
Speaker 3:
[02:17] Can we have a TeamSpeak logo over DK's character for this one?
Speaker 1:
[02:23] Or artwork?
Speaker 3:
[02:24] Is that possible?
Speaker 2:
[02:24] Oh, that's a goodie. Can I get an unregistered HyperCam 2 watermark as well? You got to get the Bandicam one, right? Or the Bandicam. Many ways to skin a cat.
Speaker 1:
[02:37] I am so glad this is the direction that it's gone, and this is everything I expected and more.
Speaker 3:
[02:43] There's going to be so many people getting hit with waves of nostalgia every time you talk, so I think even just what we're talking about is going to become borderline irrelevant to them. They're just going to be reliving a good number of years ago in their heads as opposed to listening to what we say.
Speaker 1:
[03:01] Please don't let this become a thing. I don't want to record on a Razor headset every week. Please, this is a one-time thing, y'all. This is just, I'm just grateful to be here.
Speaker 2:
[03:12] You don't sound enough like the four separate types of audio voice in old Call of Duty lobbies. There's only like four guys that were ever in those, and they all sound the same, and you don't have that voice. I think if anything, we got to put me on the mic.
Speaker 1:
[03:32] Yeah, you'd be perfect.
Speaker 2:
[03:33] Well, we'll get back to that eventually. Kirioth, I'm assuming that this episode is about the difficulties of Vox Communications.
Speaker 1:
[03:43] It'd be so cool if it were.
Speaker 3:
[03:46] Wouldn't it? If that level of pre-planning was accessible. Possum is very good at laying traps for DK. Unfortunately, not quite at the level of genuine prescience yet. But give them time. They will manage it eventually. Oh yeah, we released the Heroine episode on Tax Day. It's anything's possible in the future. I do have.
Speaker 2:
[04:09] Genuinely lucky accident, by the way. That was actual lucky accident.
Speaker 1:
[04:13] I was going to say, because everybody knows when Tax Day is, you could absolutely plan that and make it just absolute gold.
Speaker 2:
[04:19] Well, you say everyone. I think you just mean Americans.
Speaker 1:
[04:23] Yes, I do. But I'm an American. So obviously, I think we're the center of the universe.
Speaker 2:
[04:28] Yeah, same, obviously.
Speaker 1:
[04:29] Yeah, obviously.
Speaker 2:
[04:31] That being said, good accident though.
Speaker 3:
[04:35] Well, I have a quote for you to kick today off. Sorry, DK, but we have to do quotes again sometimes.
Speaker 1:
[04:44] This is my jam. This is what they paid me the big bucks for.
Speaker 3:
[04:49] I feel like I've said this a few times recently, but I feel like you're going to get this one.
Speaker 1:
[04:56] Okay, big spender.
Speaker 3:
[04:58] I really do. So there will be no evacuation. There will be no cowardice. There will be no defeat. This is our city. This is our world. Soldiers of Armageddon, make ready.
Speaker 1:
[05:11] Oh, so we're either talking about Yarrick being alive or Armageddon or orcs, right? Because this is the, that's the reveal quote that Yarrick is back and he shoots that other commissar in the head for trying to get everybody to flee.
Speaker 3:
[05:29] I mean, you got it on the first one. We are indeed going to talk about Yarrick, our favorite planetary governor executioner.
Speaker 1:
[05:37] Hell, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[05:38] Did you see that? Was it that same, that same thing? They overdubbed it for the Steel Legion stuff as well. Where they took that trailer and then they just made it so that he was talking about bringing the Steel Legion back. Quite a good move by them.
Speaker 2:
[05:53] I don't quite remember. But regardless, is this the Armageddon book, like the next part?
Speaker 3:
[06:03] With Yarrick making a comeback and the whole yet another or extended war for Armageddon, we've talked about him a bit across various episodes, but we've never done an episode just on Yarrick, the guy, the man, the absolute living legend. So this is essentially the story of Yarrick from start to where we are now because we don't have 11th edition yet, so we don't know what he's going to do next.
Speaker 1:
[06:32] Wow, we never did an episode on Yarrick before this?
Speaker 3:
[06:36] He pops up a lot as a character in other things, but he has his own backstory, he's got his own fun stuff that's been going on. So yeah, we're going to go through where he started out to where he is now. Yeah, always talked about him in Ghazghkull's context.
Speaker 1:
[06:53] Yeah, I guess he's just popped up so much in like Orc context and other context that I just assumed we had done a full episode on. But I'm stoked because Yarrick is fucking dope. Yarrick?
Speaker 2:
[07:08] Is he?
Speaker 1:
[07:09] Yeah, Yarrick, he's dope as hell, isn't he?
Speaker 2:
[07:12] Okay. I mean, I guess, I don't know. I've always found him to be a bit samey, which is fine. Don't get me wrong, he's a baller, but having a big body count in 40k is not always the craziest feat. He's a baller with a collar. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen, listen. Listen, I get the robot arm and the eyeball and all that stuff. It's neat. I don't know, I thought he was kind of your standard commissar guy, you know, who likes to kill Xenos and stuff. I didn't, well, maybe you'll enlighten me.
Speaker 3:
[07:51] Oh, you will learn the truth. He's actually way better than that. He is genuinely quite cool. So, okay.
Speaker 1:
[07:58] All right.
Speaker 3:
[07:59] I'm happy to be wrong.
Speaker 1:
[08:02] Shy all caps. Well, I guess we'll learn if you let Kirioth speak as I interrupt Kirioth. Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 3:
[08:09] The timing on that was perfect. Few names muster up imagery of power and dedication to the Imperium like Commissar Sebastian Yarrick. Ancient by Imperial standards, the Hero of Hades Hive commands unyielding respect from anyone on the battlefield, including his enemies. His mere presence can boost the morale of guardsmen by catastrophic levels, and the image of his bionic iron claw is the stuff of nightmares for even the most hardened of orcs. After vanishing for quite some time, Yarrick has returned with a vengeance on Armageddon, but is he the same man that he once was? We'll have to wait until 11th edition to find out more, but today we're going to have a dedicated episode on the man himself, from his difficult youth to his dramatic return. Some of this will be like a bit of double-dipping with the dedicated Armageddon episodes, but it's good to have a dedicated chat on just the man himself. Plus, as a bonus, at the end we'll go over the story as it's presented in the Regimental Standard. I'll tell you right now, boy, the contrast is severe.
Speaker 1:
[09:16] Is there a 40k character that has not had a difficult youth?
Speaker 3:
[09:21] You know what? Fair. I feel like a good chunk probably have nobles.
Speaker 1:
[09:27] Yes, some planetary governors that were silver spoon-fed.
Speaker 2:
[09:31] A couple of quirk chunguses out there, I'm sure they've had a fine time.
Speaker 3:
[09:37] What about Mungo Meatfist? What was his youth like? That's what I want to know.
Speaker 2:
[09:40] Definitely not good, definitely not good.
Speaker 1:
[09:43] No, you don't become Mungo Meatfist with a good childhood.
Speaker 3:
[09:49] What an inspirational quote to put on the wall that is. The story of Sebastian Yarrick begins with his true name, which is Sebastian Vaarden. He was born in a hive on the planet of Taos 3. This planet was a very industrious one, and though it's not fully clear where it is, one thing that is clear is that it was far enough away from the Imperium that Xenos posed an active threat to it. At the age of seven, both of his parents would die under unknown circumstances. Death of course would be common on a planet like this due to its hyperindustrialised nature, but something wasn't quite right. You see, the Vaarden family had quite a bit of money, and the governor certainly knew this and had his own ideas on how it should be spent. Their deaths would be presented to young Sebastian with a degree of false honour a la the Imperial cult. The major domo of the household would ask for details from the officers who brought the news of the death, and the officers would exchange uncomfortable looks before mentioning that there was some sort of bombing.
Speaker 1:
[10:49] Some sort of bombing.
Speaker 2:
[10:52] Sort of bombing. There were bombs there, I tell you what, but past that I don't really know.
Speaker 1:
[10:59] We may or may not have planted them, but bombs were absolutely involved.
Speaker 3:
[11:04] A hundred, we know of. Sure.
Speaker 2:
[11:07] Damn it. Did the Turians plant another bomb on Tuchanka?
Speaker 3:
[11:10] Crap. They would more proudly present the news that they were claiming the estate of his family and Yarrick would need to be moved to some sort of foster care. Never finding out the truth of his parents' death, he was taken in by his grandfather, who was abusive. Equally abusive were the street thugs around his new home who would bully and harass him beyond measure. Through all of this, he would learn the truth of his grandfather. His grandfather was not only a veteran of the militarum, but he was also considered to be a hero. See, Sebastian's grandfather once served proudly in the militarum, but he was stripped of his rank. Sebastian didn't care. His grandfather was a skilled soldier, and he could teach Yarrick how to hold his own against the gangs he faced daily. His grandfather warned him that the training would hurt more than anything he's faced up to this point, but Sebastian would not be swayed. Even if he could strike back at those who hurt him only once, the brutality would be worth it.
Speaker 2:
[12:12] Okay, that kind of rocks. Hell yeah, brother. I'm changing my mind already.
Speaker 3:
[12:17] It's sort of.
Speaker 2:
[12:19] The sheer murderous brutality is worth it enough, even if I don't win. Like, okay, King, never mind. I take it all back.
Speaker 1:
[12:26] Hasn't even been 10 minutes and he's 180. That's crazy.
Speaker 2:
[12:31] Listen, if you were like, and then after murdering 45 orc warbosses one-handed, he enjoyed a spot of tea and a crumpet. I'd be like, I don't even care about the warbosses. That's sick as hell. He likes crumpets. Cool. Move along.
Speaker 1:
[12:45] What kind of tea does he drink?
Speaker 3:
[12:47] So Ridiculous wanted him to be British. That's what you were mainly after.
Speaker 2:
[12:51] I wanted him to enjoy the small finer luxuries of life. It could be some recaff and a slightly seasoned corpse starch bar for all I care.
Speaker 3:
[13:08] That's how you can tell it's the luxurious stuff. If it's a slightly seasoned corpse starch bar.
Speaker 2:
[13:15] Yeah, he puts a little salt on it. Where'd you get salt?
Speaker 1:
[13:18] Damn, Shy said his mini got the teeth to be British too.
Speaker 3:
[13:22] Come on, Shy. There's no need for that.
Speaker 1:
[13:25] There's always a need for that.
Speaker 2:
[13:27] I will say, damn, he really do have only four teeth in the official old miniature. They grew his teeth back.
Speaker 1:
[13:36] Yeah, it's 40k. Surely that is not the most surprising thing they could do, right? He got some implants.
Speaker 2:
[13:45] He got some veneers. The idea of Commissar Yarrick getting veneers is just, like, what do you think he's like when he sits down for that procedure or whatever?
Speaker 1:
[13:57] I have no idea.
Speaker 2:
[14:00] How does he go about that?
Speaker 1:
[14:03] They just gas him, you know? They just knock him out and just...
Speaker 3:
[14:08] Does he take the claw off before he has the veneers put in or like...
Speaker 2:
[14:12] Does he make sure to power down the bionic eye so he doesn't kill the dentist?
Speaker 1:
[14:18] The claw stays on during sex.
Speaker 3:
[14:22] Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2:
[14:24] Imagine... Commissar Handjob.
Speaker 1:
[14:29] Oh no. Now with the claw. Oh no.
Speaker 2:
[14:34] The best Inspector Gadget character, the claw. All right, all right. That's enough of this. I guess you got veneers. Whatever, man.
Speaker 3:
[14:44] I've just thought it wouldn't even be veneers. It would just be other people's teeth. It's 40k. That'll come out someone else's face.
Speaker 2:
[14:50] He's more like an orc than we expected.
Speaker 1:
[14:52] Yeah, that's why the orcs respect him so much.
Speaker 2:
[14:55] No, no, no. The orcs didn't respect him at first because he had barely any teeth. And therefore he was a poor baby bitch. Now he has teeth again, so he's clearly rich.
Speaker 1:
[15:04] Clearly.
Speaker 3:
[15:08] So when it came to training, it shouldn't be a surprise, but Sebastian's grandfather was not gentle. In fact, it was a degree of regimental training and treatment that would make the Spartans look like calm and understanding parents. His grandfather would teach him all of his survival tactics from when he was in active service, ranging from how to set traps to how to stay hidden. Though it seemed excessive at the time, these training sessions would not only serve him in his prolific career, but would also help him with events that were to envelop this planet. Eventually, Sebastian would get revenge on these boys who harassed him, but he would find out in the process an unfortunate truth. These boys weren't just randomly attacking Sebastian, they were paid to do so, by his grandfather, who at this point was dead.
Speaker 1:
[15:54] I see.
Speaker 2:
[15:55] This is, in my will, 40,000 slates to my daughter, 20,000 slates to my son, and another 10,000 billion slates to those five kids, for every, to be lasted over the next year, as if they keep beating the shit out of my grandson.
Speaker 1:
[16:19] That's such hater behavior.
Speaker 2:
[16:21] That's really funny.
Speaker 3:
[16:24] Absolutely.
Speaker 1:
[16:25] Is that what happened? Is that actually, did he leave in his will that please keep beating the shit out of my grandson? Here's some money to make it happen.
Speaker 3:
[16:34] I don't know that it was in the will, but he definitely paid the kids to beat his grandson up, so that he could then teach him how to defend himself against the kids that were being paid to beat him up. I mean, that's some 40k chest shit off the grandfather. I don't know if this kid's got what it takes, so I'll make him have what it takes by paying people to hurt him. Wow.
Speaker 1:
[17:02] I realize Bricky just made that up, Shy, but it's 40k. You never know. That's not the most implausible thing.
Speaker 2:
[17:09] If there was any important person in their will, they said, make sure to keep beating the shit out of that piece of shit, grandson of mine. That is extremely, that could happen. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[17:25] It fits.
Speaker 1:
[17:27] Paraphrasing a little bit, but it could happen. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[17:32] Now, unfortunately, Taos 3 would be invaded by Orcs and Sebastian's aggressive training courtesy of his grandfather would assure his survival. He'd lay traps and be able to fend for himself almost completely alone on this hellish war-torn world for several years. What a legend. Fortunately he did have a close friend during this, a kid named Sirik, who was a Psyker. This would be the closest thing to a friendship that Sebastian would have in his early years. Eventually the planet would be retaken by the Militarum. Unfortunately, they would mistake two children as Orcs and one soldier would accidentally kill Sirik in front of Sebastian. The troopers would-
Speaker 2:
[18:12] How?
Speaker 3:
[18:13] Look, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[18:16] Accidents happen, man.
Speaker 2:
[18:18] Were these like teenagers?
Speaker 3:
[18:20] I'm assuming like early teenager, they are running from one side of the street to the other, and someone just goes movement and just absolutely blast them. But unfortunately, kills Sir Siker.
Speaker 2:
[18:35] I would assume the same. I guess just like, that's so fun. I'm sorry. They mistook the 15-year-old teenager for the orc, and the last gun blew off his head. There's something.
Speaker 3:
[18:53] Not all of the head.
Speaker 2:
[18:54] You know, I've never been more wrong. I'm so invested in this now. This has taken such a great turn.
Speaker 1:
[19:04] This is phenomenal.
Speaker 3:
[19:05] The switch-up was immediate, and it's just getting more potent as we go.
Speaker 1:
[19:11] We tried to tell him, he wouldn't listen.
Speaker 3:
[19:15] Yeah. Unfortunately, Sirik, mistaken for an orc. I mean, it could also be fog, mist, planetary bombardment.
Speaker 2:
[19:23] There's a billion reasons. It's just a hysterical set of these.
Speaker 1:
[19:27] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[19:28] What a mistake to make. Unfortunately, the troopers would then mock Sirik's head tattoo and call him a witch. Before anyone knew what happened, Sebastian would lunge at one of the soldiers and stab him, screaming, he was mine, you bastard. He was my friend and you killed him.
Speaker 1:
[19:48] This is escalating very quickly.
Speaker 2:
[19:51] Based on how Yarrick acts in the 41st millennium, I thought you meant he was mine. Like I was going to kill that damn witch.
Speaker 1:
[20:00] In 40k, you might be right, actually.
Speaker 3:
[20:04] You kill stealing.
Speaker 1:
[20:05] Exactly. That's what I meant. That's how glad you understood the meaning of my sentence.
Speaker 3:
[20:14] A Commissar would approach him after this, almost impressed at the ferocity of the child who lunged out of nowhere and would ask for his name. He wouldn't provide his immediate family's name out of fear that death had deeper implications, and instead would look at the blade his grandfather gave him, which had his name etched into it, which was Yarrick. His grandfather made him who he was, and he said that the name that would stick with him for the rest of his life, Sebastian Yarrick. Origin story complete. What an insane upbringing.
Speaker 1:
[20:47] Imagine taking on the name of the guy that put in his will that you should be beat to within near death. I just constantly abused you. I loved old grandpappy. He was old school. All right, sure.
Speaker 2:
[21:04] Maybe if I got beat more as a child, we wouldn't have lost Kadia.
Speaker 3:
[21:12] I thought you were going to say I would have been able to kill that psychic kid myself.
Speaker 1:
[21:19] I would have gotten that psychic bastard myself.
Speaker 3:
[21:23] The fact that young Yarrick survived for so long during Orc invasion meant that he had incredible potential. This kind of potential meant only one thing, the Scolar Progenium. In particular, he would be fast-tracked for the Militarum Tempestas with hopes of becoming a Commissar. But one thing would not leave his mind or his focus while he studied, and that was the Orcs. These creatures had obliterated his home world, and he did not want to even consider resting until he exacted revenge on them. But in order to properly destroy his enemy, he would need to know them. And during a campaign, Yarrick would have an opportunity to learn more about them directly. Some sources state, sorry go on.
Speaker 2:
[22:02] So may I intervene? Did it say he was wanting to be fast tracked for the Militarum Tempestus?
Speaker 3:
[22:09] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[22:10] Wouldn't it be the Oficio Perfectus? Isn't Tempestus the Scions and Perfectus the Commissars? I want to get one off on Possum. I want to get one up on Possum.
Speaker 1:
[22:25] Damn. Shy said yes, but he wanted to join Stormtroopers.
Speaker 3:
[22:31] All right.
Speaker 1:
[22:32] Svea, you love the hot shot, but I do too.
Speaker 2:
[22:36] The weasel-y Possum escapes once again.
Speaker 1:
[22:41] The possum-y possum possums again.
Speaker 3:
[22:44] Damn.
Speaker 2:
[22:46] I heard that and I was like, a chance to prove Possum wrong, and then I remember why we hired him.
Speaker 1:
[22:54] You're fighting a losing battle, brother.
Speaker 2:
[22:56] Yes. I take the L indeed.
Speaker 3:
[22:59] Some sources state that the campaign that he was in, would he be able to find a human raider who had been captured by the orcs, and he would learn their language, while other sources leaned slightly more heretical. So, here you go, DK. This is going to be a lot of bad audio.
Speaker 1:
[23:20] Wow. You're sending a quote my way today of all days?
Speaker 3:
[23:25] Just because you're living, you're communicating from 20 years ago, you still got to do your job.
Speaker 1:
[23:31] All right. I'll try and sprinkle in a few slurs about your mother. Orc attacks throughout Segmentum Solar became more frequent. While serving with the 70th Luther-Mackintyre Regiment on the bleak world of Vrun, Commissar Yarrick learns the Orc language from a captured greenskin and develops a unique insight into the Orc psyche.
Speaker 3:
[23:54] He's committed.
Speaker 1:
[23:55] Also, isn't the Orc language just English, like British hooligan speak?
Speaker 2:
[24:01] No. It's an actual Orc language. We just use that a lot when it's convenient for storytelling purposes.
Speaker 1:
[24:09] Ah, okay. Because I was just like, how hard is it to understand, oh, I'm going to kill you. I think he's upset at me if my Orc studies are correct.
Speaker 2:
[24:25] I'm pretty sure that's just the Orcs speaking English with their accent, and the Orc accent is apparently that.
Speaker 1:
[24:34] I did not realize that. I did not realize that at all.
Speaker 2:
[24:38] We are 0 for 2. You and me, we can't stop the Possum.
Speaker 1:
[24:44] I wasn't trying to take on Possum. I just didn't know that's how it worked. I'm just ignorant as I've always been.
Speaker 3:
[24:54] Your Honor, to be fair, I didn't know what I was talking about.
Speaker 1:
[24:58] But, Your Honor, I'm just stupid.
Speaker 2:
[25:01] Your Honor, you wasn't there?
Speaker 1:
[25:04] Yeah. I plead, nuh-uh.
Speaker 3:
[25:08] You can't fire me. I don't know what my job even is. That's all. So Yarrick would continue his extensive studies and his early stringer deployments would make him feel a bit more iron-clad when it came to what he'd learned. Through the fields of battle would change. The orcs he faced remained mostly the same and his ability to understand gave him a powerful upper hand. During his scholar years, he'd be taken under the tutelage of Lord Commissar Simeon Rasp alongside another classmate of his named Dominic Seraph. Seraph was particularly close to their mentor and though him and Yarrick would start as exceptionally close brothers in arms, the execution and disgrace of Simeon Rasp would form a dramatic schism between the two of them with Seraph vowing to undermine Yarrick whenever any opportunity presented itself. Seraph is just an absolute hater, it turns out.
Speaker 1:
[26:06] What a life. Grandfather pays to have you beaten and you have a guy that's just trying to undermine you at every corner.
Speaker 3:
[26:14] He's not having the best time, even by 40k. It could be worse, but it could be a lot better.
Speaker 2:
[26:20] It could definitely be worse. However, this is still pretty bad.
Speaker 3:
[26:24] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[26:25] At least you're not a slave to the Nightlords.
Speaker 3:
[26:28] Yet.
Speaker 2:
[26:30] Some of them did all right, remember?
Speaker 1:
[26:33] That's true. The trilogy.
Speaker 2:
[26:37] Some of them were treated okay, and that is the only scenario because that is not indicative of the Nightlords normally.
Speaker 3:
[26:46] Serov would carry quite a bit of influence and weight for his rank, and he would exploit this by deploying Yarrick to more and more hazardous campaigns. I don't know why this is really funny.
Speaker 2:
[26:58] It had to do really good to the harder places.
Speaker 3:
[27:04] This was, of course, a backhanded way to hopefully kill Yarrick, but these feats of survival would only result in Yarrick becoming more storied. Eventually, Serov would become Lord Commissar, and the two would finally meet again on Armageddon. Of course, also on Armageddon at the time was, as Princeps Curtis Mannheim described him, the greatest waste of flesh and bone born in the last 500 years, Hermann von Straub.
Speaker 2:
[27:38] Why do I remember Hermann von Straub before? That sounds familiar.
Speaker 3:
[27:42] He is the overlord of Armageddon.
Speaker 2:
[27:44] Right.
Speaker 3:
[27:45] Technically, the guy in charge, but apparently, the greatest waste of flesh and bone.
Speaker 1:
[27:53] In the last 500 years.
Speaker 3:
[27:55] In the last five centuries, it's crazy.
Speaker 1:
[27:58] Jesus Christ. Got to put that in the Insult Lexicon, too.
Speaker 3:
[28:04] That is so good. Yarrick, at the time of the Second War for Armageddon start, was assisting with the founding of the Fourth Armageddon Regiment. Yarrick recognized that these orcs that had begun to land were different to normal, however. They were far more cunning and tactical than the ones he'd encountered, and he immediately clocked that this was a massive problem. He would order the astropaths of the planet to request immediate aid. Von Straub would view this as an undermining of his power on the planet, and he would insist that Armageddon was more than capable of handling its own matters. He would punish Yarrick's insubordination by banishing him to Hades Hive, and Lord Commissar Seraph would side with Von Straub. Of course he would.
Speaker 2:
[28:47] Right, this is the fuckhead who like, ruined every... like, local man ruins everything. That's right, I remember now.
Speaker 3:
[28:54] Yeah. He knew that ultimately the decisions that Von Straub were making were to the detriment of the planet, and he knew that he alone had the full authority to remove him as overlord, but he didn't. In fact, as the Iron Skulls Titan Legion Princeps was arguing with him, Seraph was almost fully convinced to overthrow Von Straub until the Princeps mentioned Yarrick by name. To him, the only right thing to do was hold Yarrick accountable for past transgressions. I mean, there's incompetence, and then there's Seraph. It's mind-blowing how much he was like, well, he could be helpful, but instead we're going to let this planet burn rather than ask him for help. Incredible work. God. The banishment to Hades Hive was not a punishment for Yarrick. In fact, it would end up serving as the cornerstone of his career. He would rally the Hive to fight back against insurmountable odds, and not a single soldier would be executed for cowardice during this fight. Yarrick himself would be at the front lines, and he alone would ensure that the Imperials held strong against the Green Tide. His defiance would catch the attention of the one and only Goat himself, Ghazghul. He would send down Ugulhard, who is one of his strongest Warbosses and an Orc he felt would be the best candidate to break Hades Hive once and for all. The forces of Ugulhard would break the defense of the Hive, and Yarrick would stand strong to face him directly. The duel between the two was brutal, and a single swipe of Ugulhard's power claw would tear Yarrick's right arm off. Despite the grievous injury, he would successfully decapitate the Orc before tearing the power claw from Ugulhard's corpse and holding it for all to see. All those years of being beaten up by kids, being paid for by his grandfather, paid off.
Speaker 1:
[30:51] His grandfather's looking down on him being like, see, glad I left that little thing in the will.
Speaker 3:
[30:59] Hell yeah, kid. It was absolutely worth it.
Speaker 2:
[31:04] It was extremely necessary. He's looking down from hell and looking at his arm.
Speaker 1:
[31:13] I was going to say, he's looking up, brother.
Speaker 2:
[31:15] Yeah, sorry. He's looking up from hell and whatever Zinch is doing to him right now and being like, good job, grandson.
Speaker 3:
[31:25] Remember kids, bullying builds character. Oh dear.
Speaker 1:
[31:30] We here at Adeptus Ridiculous do not actually support that message. We'd like to remind you not to bully your friends and don't leave your will to continue bullying your grandson.
Speaker 3:
[31:41] Just in case any of you were still thinking about doing that. Because we all know there's got to be at least one wrong out there.
Speaker 2:
[31:47] We here at Adeptus Ridiculous do not all share the same opinions. Fuck them kids.
Speaker 1:
[31:53] Jesus. All right. That was the opinions and thoughts of Brick B. Brickelsum and only.
Speaker 3:
[32:02] I feel like with your microphone, you should have had Bricky's opinion there.
Speaker 2:
[32:10] Yeah, that's true. You're on that, played the fire alarm.
Speaker 1:
[32:15] Hey, yo, fuck them kids.
Speaker 2:
[32:20] You know, actually speaking on that strange sequence of words, Kirioth, you're a big fan of the new Defiler, right?
Speaker 3:
[32:29] I like the Defiler.
Speaker 2:
[32:30] It's a very good new model, right?
Speaker 3:
[32:32] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[32:34] Have you ever sat down and realized the very unfortunate sequence of words, that is the Emperor's Children Defiler?
Speaker 3:
[32:42] Oh, no.
Speaker 1:
[32:43] Oh, no. That's awful. Oh, boy.
Speaker 2:
[32:47] Yeah. Have you ever... I was looking it up for like, oh, you know, I'm going to see what the different ones do. I was like, oh, yeah, the Emperor's Children Defiler. And I'm like, what?
Speaker 3:
[32:57] Oh, boy.
Speaker 1:
[32:58] Oh, boy. The double take when you wrote that must have been...
Speaker 3:
[33:00] The Thousand Sons Defiler isn't great either, is it?
Speaker 2:
[33:05] No.
Speaker 1:
[33:09] Oh, no. Can we just call them Chaos Defilers and just make them the way you want?
Speaker 2:
[33:15] Okay. So in fairness, I think games were shut out of this because in all of the apps, it's just called the Defiler. And I think they didn't put the front part on it for a very good reason.
Speaker 1:
[33:29] Very important reason, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[33:31] Oh, my God. You have all been cursed with knowledge.
Speaker 1:
[33:34] Jesus. Thanks. Great. How did we get here? Kirioth, take us away.
Speaker 2:
[33:39] Wait a minute. Do you think that this is maybe why they didn't let Emperor's Children have the Emperor's Children Predator because they didn't let them have the Predator Annihilator or Predator Instructor.
Speaker 1:
[33:57] Oh, no. It's awful.
Speaker 2:
[34:00] Hold on. I think I might be learning. I think I just need to curse with more knowledge. I think this might be the case.
Speaker 1:
[34:05] Oh, no. Well, hey Kirioth, what happens next to old Sebastian Yarrick, huh?
Speaker 3:
[34:15] Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:
[34:16] What is he up to, huh?
Speaker 3:
[34:24] The image of the commissar holding their Warboss' hand would successfully cause the orcs to freak out and flee. The same site would invigorate the human forces to rally even harder and push the orcs away, allowing for Yarrick to finally pass out, which earned at this point, frankly. This very claw would be attached to Yarrick's right arm, and he would keep the same claw to this day. This ultimately was built off of his long knowledge of orc superstition, and he felt that the attachment of this claw would serve as a brutal reminder of his strength, something that would cause orcs to cower. He would further exploit these orcish superstitions by exchanging his left eye for a bionic laser eye. The orcs believed he had an evil eye and referred to Yarrick as the bale eye that could kill with a glance, so he wanted to make this myth a reality. As the rest of the planet fell under the incompetence of Von Straub, Yarrick and his forces were the thing that held back the tide.
Speaker 1:
[35:19] I will bale eye.
Speaker 3:
[35:21] Yeah, but they don't have magic ones, do they? I know it's not magic. I said it and I was like, someone's going to pull me up on that.
Speaker 1:
[35:29] So again, the two of them only work because all of the orcs believe that they work, right? Like if there weren't any- Oh, no, they just work period?
Speaker 2:
[35:39] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[35:40] Okay, cool. I had always thought that that was some big part of it, that the orcs had to believe it for them.
Speaker 2:
[35:47] Well, not necessarily. It's like most of them. It's most of the meme.
Speaker 1:
[35:51] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[35:52] This is the unfortunate result of very early Bricky Adrick, as opposed to matured current Bricky Adrick.
Speaker 1:
[36:01] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[36:02] With Possum, mostly Possum.
Speaker 1:
[36:05] I need to unlearn older Brickyisms, eh?
Speaker 2:
[36:08] Yeah. Well, granted, the I'm a Tank meme was always-
Speaker 1:
[36:13] That was always just a story.
Speaker 2:
[36:14] Yeah. That was always a joke story, but that one was always a meme. But no, they both absolutely work 100 percent. But I would imagine I'd be wrong to say that Yarrick doesn't do that to instill fear in the orcs that they are doing. He has an eye that will literally kill you.
Speaker 1:
[36:33] Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[36:35] Nice mix of they're doing a whole myth-making thing and he's just gone, yeah, but what if I actually did do that though? It might be scary campfire stories for them, but what if I actually can laser people with a bionic eye?
Speaker 2:
[36:52] Also, that just basically sounds like the plot of Dune Part 2. Paul Atreides, it worms his way to trick everyone that he's like the Messiah, and then they all believe it.
Speaker 3:
[37:07] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[37:08] At least I'm not naive in all that.
Speaker 1:
[37:09] I haven't seen Dune Part 2 in forever. I forgot that was like what he did.
Speaker 2:
[37:13] Yeah. Paul Atreides is actually a bit of a bastard. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[37:18] But sometimes you got to be a bastard for the greater good.
Speaker 2:
[37:22] I don't know, man. Does he kill 63 billion people or something?
Speaker 3:
[37:27] Oh, it's going to be a wig as wig as something.
Speaker 1:
[37:30] Hey, man, you got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet, all right? Like just, you know.
Speaker 2:
[37:35] Yeah, but I didn't think we had to skin the chickens.
Speaker 3:
[37:44] Now, of course, the pushing back and death of his favorite Warboss would really get under Ghazgh's skin and he would have no choice but to join the fray himself. He'd lead the orcs at the front like Yarrick had done with his own forces, and this would begin a brutal game of chess between the two. The battle would become personal with each respective leader countering the other's tactics until eventually it was clear to Yarrick that he could no longer hold position. He would lead an evacuation and would be injured by Ghazgh himself. The injury he suffered would take months to recover from, but it was worth it. The evacuation was successful and the arrival of Commander Dante and the Blood Angels would assure victory. Yarrick would then be recognized as the Saviour of Armageddon, and this Saviour would have one mission in mind while he was recovering. Kill Ghazgh and the rest of his orcs with no mercy.
Speaker 2:
[38:32] Yeah, that sounds about right.
Speaker 3:
[38:33] Yeah, that's cool. Dominic Xeroff was shit at his job and in 40k sometimes you have the chance to become what you truly are. He was disgraced and was potentially turned into a sentient pile of poop by typhus.
Speaker 1:
[38:48] Oh shit!
Speaker 3:
[38:49] At times to Xeroff, but justice prevails apparently.
Speaker 1:
[38:53] You get what you deserve, Murray.
Speaker 3:
[38:55] Yep. And of course Von Straub would have a classic encounter with the Last Chancers. You can't keep a good man down, however, and after only a few years, Yarrick was back in action. He wanted to track down and purge the expansion of Ghazghkull outside of the Armageddon system, and this led him to the Golgotha system, where it is believed that Ghaz and the Orcs were heading to next. This purge of the Orcs saw Yarrick joined by Helbrecht and the Black Templars, and things were actually going well-ish. Ghaz-hood-ish? It's only ever-ish in 40k.
Speaker 1:
[39:28] That's true.
Speaker 3:
[39:30] Ghaz-hood easily overtaken the planet of Golgotha thanks to some special tech made by Orchamedes, and the planet was beginning its full conversion into a large ammunition factory for Ghaz's next attack.
Speaker 1:
[39:42] Orchamedes, yeah. I didn't want to interrupt, but I was thinking the same thing. This is so cool. Orchamedes. Orchamedes nuts. Anyway, go ahead.
Speaker 3:
[39:56] I love it. It's stupid, but I love it. Yarrick would arrive near the tail end of this battle, and they'd attempt to make their way behind enemy lines in an attempt to catch Ghaz by surprise with a big ol counterattack with super heavy tanks. Hell yeah. Included in this quest was the inexperienced sixth son of High Lord Gerrit Rogg of Ormet, Kelna Rogg, who was supposed to protect the rear. A counterattack would be made, but the Orcs would have the upper hand thanks to the arrival of an Orc space hulk. Yarrick would be pinned under a super heavy tank, and Ghaz himself would knock him out. Instead of being killed, however, Yarrick and the other captives would kept his prisoners for slave labour on the hulk, and as Yarrick came to, he would be face to face with Ghaz, who would look at him silently. Yarrick would scream that he would kill Ghaz, but Ghaz would show no reaction. An Orc guard would see this as an opportunity to beat up Yarrick, but as he pulled Yarrick's arm, Ghaz swiftly snatched the Orc and dropped it down a pit. He would then give Yarrick a nod and then walk away.
Speaker 1:
[41:00] I like how he just casually drops him down a pit that happens to be there.
Speaker 3:
[41:04] Yeah, just dumps him, straight up dumps him down a hole.
Speaker 2:
[41:09] Why does that have the same vibe as like, Zinch being like, God, I can't understand this well, and throws Kairos in it. That's that same vibe.
Speaker 1:
[41:22] He couldn't see that well.
Speaker 2:
[41:24] Kill him. Kill him now.
Speaker 3:
[41:28] I don't know if it came from one of his calls.
Speaker 2:
[41:30] Put him in the Prowl Wiggler.
Speaker 3:
[41:33] That was a definite, like, just a noise of disappointment that I don't think I've ever made before that I got picked up. Sheesh. Seeing this strange instance of mercy, Yarrick believed that the only way out was to directly rebel against the orcs and force an escape. Thanks to the help of the various human work crews, a crude map was put together for Yarrick to assess, and with great luck, there was a dock in the Spacehawk they were in, and there was likely some sort of human vessel they could reclaim so long as they could get to the bridge in some way. A worker would sabotage an ammunition's dump, and chaos would ensue. Now, during the attempted escape, Rogg would flee and eventually give up, surrendering himself to the Orcs, and hoping they d spare him if he gave them information. Yarrick's whereabouts. He kept saying Yarrick over and over again, in the hopes that the Orcs would understand him, and Ghazgh himself would understand. He would silently smile before speaking to an underling of his in Orcish. He would say an Orcish word loudly to Rogg, and he was certain it was a good word at the time. It sounded like Grotsnick or something.
Speaker 2:
[42:39] Oh jeez. Here we go.
Speaker 3:
[42:43] Rogg was optimistic until another Orc pushed his way up to Rogg, and Ghazgh pointed at him. Only at this moment did Rogg notice the syringes that this Orc kept on himself. Ghazgh would pick up Rogg with his claw, immediately dislocating his shoulders, and tossed him into the arms of this Grotsnick fellow. Never before had Rogg screamed, and now, he would never stop. Goddamn.
Speaker 1:
[43:08] That's unfortunate. Oh boy.
Speaker 3:
[43:10] The immediate dislocation in the shoulders.
Speaker 1:
[43:12] Just picking him up, I'm like, oh, my shoulders, Jesus. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[43:16] It's so weirdly harsh, even in the context of everything else. It's just his act.
Speaker 1:
[43:22] Given who's picking him up, it makes sense though, because that's a big boy. It's a big, strong lad.
Speaker 3:
[43:28] Yeah, it's amazing it was only his shoulders, and he didn't just crush the ribcage.
Speaker 1:
[43:32] Or just crush him, period.
Speaker 3:
[43:36] He meant to hand him over by accident, he just squished him like a grape. Just freaking, oh, sorry, Notsnick, I don't.
Speaker 1:
[43:43] Just hands over a bloody cup of Jell-O.
Speaker 3:
[43:48] So Yarrick would make his way to the presumed bridge of the Space Hulk, but unfortunately stood no chance against the mechs that were dispatched and rapidly approaching his position. In the chaos that ensued, Yarrick would also learn that the ship that he wished to escape in was being customized by the mech boys, so that escape was probably futile. In a last-ditch effort, Yarrick would activate all the systems on the bridge of the Space Hulk at once in an attempt to make it tear itself apart, and he would see devastation erupt on the side of it before being knocked out. Yarrick would come to days later, and as he woke up, he would realize something. Everything had been returned to him. Clothes, weapons, the lot. The door would open in front of Yarrick, and he would see orcs lining both sides of the corridor. They were watching him, and as soon as he stepped out, they would roar, not with anger, but with enthusiasm. Yarrick had been subject to too many celebratory parades on the surface of Armageddon, and he knew what this was. It was a celebration for him, thrown by the orcs.
Speaker 1:
[44:56] Wow. All right.
Speaker 3:
[45:00] They love him. They just love him. He's just so much fun. They can't get enough.
Speaker 2:
[45:05] I mean, a good crumpin is their thing, right? It is.
Speaker 1:
[45:11] And he does provide the best crumpins.
Speaker 3:
[45:14] Yeah. I mean, even captured and being used as a slave, he still managed to cause a massive fight. You can't waste that. You know, you've got to make the most of it.
Speaker 1:
[45:24] Tea and crumpins, am I right?
Speaker 3:
[45:26] Oh dear.
Speaker 2:
[45:29] Tea and crumpins. Ayyyyyyy.
Speaker 3:
[45:38] Yarrick would walk the most obscene victory march of his life and the orcs would hail his passage as he wandered past. He would see the damage that he caused during his failed revolt, but the cheering orc standing in front of this obscured it. Yarrick would reach the launch bay and a ship would be there, a small shuttle, and standing next to the access ramp was Ghazghkull. Yarrick wouldn't let his confusion distract him from moving forward, and he would pause in front of the prophet and meet his gaze with all the cold hatred in his soul. Ghaz would meet his gaze back and would radiate with delight. He would lean forward and get close to Yarrick, nearly a centimeter from his face. Bricky, I've got something for you here.
Speaker 2:
[46:19] Yippee! My soul bears many scars from the days and months of my defeat and captivity, but there is one memory that above all others haunts me. By day it is a goad to action, by night it murders sleep. It lives with me always, the proof that there could hardly be a more terrible threat to the Imperium than this orc. Thraka spoke to me, not in Orcish, not even in low Gothic, in high Gothic. A great fight, he said, and he extended a huge clawed finger and tapped me once on the chest. My best enemy. He stepped aside and gestured to the ramp. Go to Armageddon, he said. Make ready for the greatest fight. I do imagine the idea of me as a human, just walking around doing my thing. Then a rhinoceros kidnaps me. Then the rhinoceros looks at me, bumps me with its horn and goes, I'm going to put you on the next plane back to California. Make sure you pack and get ready because we're going to throw hands, in perfect English. Because no one will ever believe me.
Speaker 1:
[47:44] I feel like it's close to probably like a silverback gorilla against normal Bricky.
Speaker 2:
[47:50] Yeah, but I'm thinking like the size of Ghaz compared to Yarrick.
Speaker 1:
[47:58] That's fair.
Speaker 2:
[48:00] Yeah, holy shit.
Speaker 1:
[48:03] It's just a smidge bigger.
Speaker 3:
[48:06] Oh my god. The idea of something that size poking in being like, yeah, we're going to fight again real soon. No, thanks. No, thank you. I'd really prefer didn't.
Speaker 2:
[48:19] Not interested, brother.
Speaker 1:
[48:21] I am not going to arm again.
Speaker 2:
[48:23] No thanks, bro.
Speaker 3:
[48:28] Yarrick would enter the ship and find out that there was a pilot already in there. And great news. It was Commander Rog. However, Rog didn't greet him when he entered because Rog couldn't say anything anymore. He had been transformed. He was less of a pilot and more of an autopilot. He was fused with the ship's guidance system and was transformed into a fully aware servitor.
Speaker 1:
[48:55] Oh, that's not good at all. Also that was one of the hardest howevers I've ever heard. However, Rog was there. However.
Speaker 3:
[49:11] Oh, that's, that's, you know, there's some bad fates in 40k, a fully aware servitor made by Grotznik as well. So not even done properly.
Speaker 2:
[49:20] Right. I forgot it was by Grotznik. Yeah, it might be the worst fate.
Speaker 1:
[49:25] Rog might have the worst fate in 40k.
Speaker 3:
[49:28] That is atrocious.
Speaker 2:
[49:30] That is definitely not true, but I appreciate, I appreciate us putting up a good bit of like, let's just really sell it, you know? Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[49:41] Now you're right. With all the chaos stuff that could happen to you and the Drakkari, it's not the worst, but it's not great.
Speaker 3:
[49:49] Not ideal, but.
Speaker 1:
[49:51] Sorry, lads, we ain't figured out you mean about Mausai Shin Gate.
Speaker 2:
[50:02] That was really funny. I'm sorry. That was really, really funny.
Speaker 3:
[50:08] Oh, God.
Speaker 1:
[50:09] Crazy.
Speaker 3:
[50:11] Rogg's mouth parted in one of his final screams for when he attempted to betray Yarrick before the Mad Dok experimented on him and turned him into an orcish approximation of a servitor. Yarrick would tell the ship to leave and he would be free. His escape and knowledge of the imminent third conflict on Armageddon would be a great boost for the Imperium. But he needed his whip. The Fortress of Arrogance would be a huge boost for the troops on the ground and so it needed to be reclaimed. I mean, I 100 percent support this. Ten out of ten, you obviously need to get your personal Baneblade back, obviously.
Speaker 1:
[50:47] Come on now. Obviously.
Speaker 3:
[50:48] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[50:50] Also, pushes up glasses. It's a Hellhammer.
Speaker 3:
[50:54] Oh God, yeah, it is, isn't it? Damn it.
Speaker 2:
[50:57] Which is just a version of a Baneblade.
Speaker 3:
[50:59] So for me, it's actually all the same thing.
Speaker 1:
[51:04] Bricky can't get Possum, but he can get Kirioth.
Speaker 2:
[51:07] I'll take my small wins.
Speaker 3:
[51:15] Operation Thunderstorm then was a Reclamation mission to put together with the express purpose of getting the aforementioned whip back. This mission was on its surface just that. The mechanic has promised it was just that, not some sort of suicide mission to potentially get some tech that might be on the planet. Of course not.
Speaker 1:
[51:36] Never dream of it yet.
Speaker 3:
[51:39] The Imperial forces led by General Deveers would encounter an Orc Warboss riding out on a suspiciously decked out heavy tank. The general would order everyone to stop firing at it, but the forces failed to listen to him. They unloaded on the Fortress of Arrogance killing the warboss and damaging the tank quite a bit. The general would rush to it, which was still in one piece, and give a speech about the victory and the reclamation of the fortress without fully realizing that the warboss was still barely hanging on, and its power claw would cut him in half. Hell yeah.
Speaker 1:
[52:18] No half-measures, eh?
Speaker 3:
[52:20] Cut a comedy of errors off that guy.
Speaker 2:
[52:23] You can't just keep shooting a tank. No half-measures, except for this guy.
Speaker 1:
[52:28] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[52:29] Who's literally in a tomb.
Speaker 3:
[52:34] Yeah, dude. Operation Thunderstorm.
Speaker 2:
[52:36] Just to get a tank back. Listen, Operation Thunderstorm goes insane, okay? I will hear zero shit talk on Operation Thunderstorm. That's straight out of the Zeph Brothers.
Speaker 1:
[52:51] Name is great, but a little petty just to get your ride back to make Operation Thunderstorm.
Speaker 2:
[52:58] You say just your ride back when it is, in fact, a super heavy hell hammer or whatever it is.
Speaker 1:
[53:05] It's just his ride, right?
Speaker 3:
[53:07] Got a little suit up. Literally a relic, like something incredibly difficult to find and maintain, that's been personalized and changed. It's just your car, mate. Leave it behind.
Speaker 1:
[53:23] Okay. So we got to be on an episode of Pimp My Ride. Excuse me. Whatever.
Speaker 2:
[53:28] I think I might be wrong. I think the Fortress of Arrogance is a Bane Blade. I thought it was a hell hammer.
Speaker 3:
[53:34] I'm not going to lie. I have been looking at the main gun.
Speaker 2:
[53:40] The main gun is definitely a Bane Blade gun, but I thought that was a fan creation of it. Maybe it is a Bane Blade.
Speaker 3:
[53:45] Because the long out one is demolisher.
Speaker 2:
[53:49] No. I thought it was a hell hammer. I could have sworn that. It was referred to as a hell hammer because of his close quarters combat fighting that he had to deal with.
Speaker 3:
[54:03] You know what? Let's just... I'm going to check right now. I've sat here eyeing the fucking gun barrels. But I was like, I'm not going to be the one to be like, actually, I think you'll find. No, no.
Speaker 2:
[54:19] Call me on this shit, Kirioth. I need you to. This is only fair.
Speaker 1:
[54:23] Monumentous day for Bricky Tate.
Speaker 3:
[54:26] No. Sorry. Yeah, the Fortress of Aragons was a Baneblade tank, so.
Speaker 2:
[54:31] Why did I think it was a Hellhammer? No.
Speaker 1:
[54:36] Catastrophic day for Bricky.
Speaker 3:
[54:38] You were so confident as well.
Speaker 2:
[54:40] Insane aura loss across the board. I was so confident as well.
Speaker 3:
[54:46] I was just like, I guess I just must be wrong about that. I just immediately folded. Turns out no.
Speaker 2:
[54:55] Hellhammer is just a, yeah, Hellhammer is just a headblade with a stubby ass gun, but like, wow, I could have sworn it was a Hellhammer. Damn.
Speaker 3:
[55:05] Is it? I thought the turret on the Baneblade was bigger. Hellhammer.
Speaker 2:
[55:10] No, it is. She posted a Hellhammer on the bottom.
Speaker 1:
[55:12] That's a Hellhammer.
Speaker 3:
[55:13] Oh yeah, there we go. Yeah. That's, I was going to say, there's no chance of that being cut out, so let's simply move on.
Speaker 1:
[55:26] You think that's going to get cut out?
Speaker 2:
[55:27] That's crazy. We're definitely going to keep that in. Weird. Oh well, whatever.
Speaker 3:
[55:35] The Fortress of Arrogance would be brought back on a Mechanicus Ark and would be fully repaired and refitted with an armored cupola so that Yarrick could openly shout words of inspiration from the pulpit. Because I've already, look, you know this already. I read this through a couple of times before we do it. And just literally because of DK's mic situation, I...
Speaker 1:
[55:58] You assume this is what he sounds like from his pulpit while speaking through the megaphone.
Speaker 3:
[56:03] I had that like a sudden like realization whilst also where it's... So that Yarrick could openly shout words, I... My brain auto-corrected after shout, I nearly said slurs. I nearly just... I just straight up was like shout slurs.
Speaker 2:
[56:21] Dude, we're breaking him down, we're breaking him down bit by bit.
Speaker 1:
[56:28] Got that little chisel, we're bit by bit, he's gonna cave.
Speaker 3:
[56:31] Oh dear, it would be repainted black and a large skull would be placed on the front of it. It would provide the boost the soldiers needed, but the names of those who rescued it would never be known. Poor lads, no glory for them.
Speaker 2:
[56:45] It would be painted black and a big skull would put on it. Okay, so every Imperium vehicle ever.
Speaker 1:
[56:51] Vehicle ever, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[56:53] You can tell it's his because it's got a skull on it. Okay, cool. Yarrick would be provided supreme command over all the forces on Armageddon in preparation for the Third War, but even with overwhelming acceptance of his leadership, the Third War was going to be far more difficult. Ghazghkull's first attack was on the horizon, and as it became clear that he was planning to batter Hades Hive first, many of the Black Templars on the surface demanded that it be protected. Some, like Chaplain Grimaldus, saw this impending attack for what it was, a symbolic attempt to cripple morale and nothing more. They couldn't afford to bend the knee to nostalgia, and a counteroffensive could actually be more emboldened if the forces were rallied beforehand, and they struck back even harder after an abandoned Hive was destroyed. During this argument, Yarrick would cut Brother Captain Amaris off and say that Grimaldus was right. And I've got another quote for you, DK. Don't worry, it's a really long one.
Speaker 1:
[57:51] Oh, great. Thanks, Kirioth. I will not be silenced by a mortal, Amaris growled, but the fight was gone from him. Yarrick, the thin ancient commissar, just stared at the Astartes captain. After several moments, Amaris looked back to the hololithic topography around the Hive. Yarrick turned back to the gathered officers, his one human eye stern and his augmatic one whirring in its socket as it refocused on the faces before him. Hades will not survive the first week, he said again, this time shaking his head. We must abandon the Hive and spread the forces here to other bastions of strength. This is not the second war. What is coming in system now far exceeds what has laid waste to the planet before. The other Hives must be reinforced a thousand times over. Hell yeah, brother.
Speaker 3:
[58:44] A thousand times over.
Speaker 2:
[58:46] A thousand, you know.
Speaker 1:
[58:47] A thousand, yeah. That's 40k, they don't understand numbers, it's fine.
Speaker 2:
[58:54] That is honestly so true.
Speaker 3:
[58:58] The first attack would come to pass, obliterating the entirety of Hades Hive from orbit. Yarrick showed no sentimentality for the Hive that cemented his legacy, and he had been one step ahead, evacuating it and preparing his forces elsewhere. Ghazghkull was not going to outmaneuver him this time. As the Orcs would land, Yarrick would lead Cadian shock troopers from the front, and the horrific war of attrition would begin. The long and gruelling battle would lead to Ghazghkull fleeing, and as the Black Templars planned to hunt him, Yarrick would personally petition to join the quest, a petition that Helbrecht would accept. It was during this time that Yarrick would vanish from the surface, and the rumours would begin to spread that he had died gloriously on the field of battle and was finally bested by Ghazghkull. However, as we now know, these rumours of his death had been greatly exaggerated. You see, as Ghaz left Armageddon the last time, he was tailed by a force of Black Templars as well as Yarrick. They would follow him from system to system until they had reached the world of Icaria. This planet had been the home of a strange device that was being worked on by Ghaz and his boys. It was a mountain of machinery that would split the skies with bolts of green lightning. Of course, this needed to stop and the Imperium would unleash hell on the planet. As the fighting was going on, Yarrick decided that now was the time to strike directly at Ghaz's throat. So he would form up a flotilla, which included a single Fenrisian strike cruiser, and would make a charge at the center of the Orc fleet in the hopes of encountering Ghaz 1v1. I love this plan. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[60:35] Any plan that involves you going 1v1 with Ghaz is, I mean, I guess it can only be Yarrick. Yeah, it can only be Yarrick. It's a great plan for him, but.
Speaker 3:
[60:46] Going 1v1 with Ghaz as an old man with a stolen power claw and bionic eye. Like, that is confidence and just, there is a strength there that I simply cannot fathom. He would hit Ghaz hard with a veteran strike force with enough power to quite literally destroy armies. Ghaz would be wounded but defiant. He would be dragged down by conjured storm frost, but he would shatter it and make a charge for Yarrick directly. As Ghaz rushed Yarrick, Yarrick would swing his claw and hit Ghaz square in the chest. However, Ghaz had survived far more violent encounters and he deflected the hit before grabbing Yarrick with his own claw and lifting him up to face him eye to eye, crushing Yarrick's bones like dry twigs in the process. What a description.
Speaker 2:
[61:37] Oh man.
Speaker 1:
[61:40] Old Bailey, I can't.
Speaker 3:
[61:44] Upon making eye contact with Yarrick, Ghaz headbutted him so hard that his face was painted red with his blood.
Speaker 2:
[61:53] I wolfed. God, he's alive.
Speaker 1:
[61:56] Yeah. How does he survive this exactly?
Speaker 3:
[62:00] Bailey is the word.
Speaker 1:
[62:03] More like Bailey because his anyway, go ahead.
Speaker 2:
[62:10] I want to beat you to death, but I'm not allowed to because I've failed three times this podcast.
Speaker 3:
[62:24] Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:
[62:27] Go ahead, Kirioth.
Speaker 3:
[62:30] He cast Yarrick to the ground and lifted his boot to crush him. Before, for sake, Possum, before probably saying, I am slaughtering, slaughtering him, I'd hate you. Ghazgh decides to set it up.
Speaker 1:
[62:42] You serve a bitch.
Speaker 3:
[62:45] With a wicked smile, he would step away from Yarrick, claiming this is enough of a victory before departing. None would witness the Fenrisian priest that would spirit away the shattered body of Yarrick, and as the Bell of Lost Souls rang on terror, the chimes of medical equipment and a space wolf strike cruiser would work overtime, keeping Yarrick alive. Though Yarrick would escape death once more, the damage done to him by Ghazgh this time was quite a bit different. No shit.
Speaker 1:
[63:13] Understatement of the millennial.
Speaker 3:
[63:16] He got literally shattered and then headbutt by someone whose head is the size of his body. I mean, come on.
Speaker 1:
[63:24] Crazy.
Speaker 3:
[63:26] Yarrick's skull had to be reconstructed thanks to the headbutt he sustained from Ghaz, and though it would be successful, his head would forever ache. Shout out to all my fellow migrate sufferers.
Speaker 1:
[63:39] That's why the mini has four teeth.
Speaker 3:
[63:44] His broken bones would be supported and reconstructed with cybernetic armature, and his skin now looks unnaturally pallid even despite his advanced age. It's true, he does look sort of like a zombie. He would be told by the Space Wolves that he would need to return to Armageddon to face the Orcs once more, as the speedwire of Wasdaka Gutsmek was primed to ravage the cursed world. Garrick would return and personally dispose of the planetary governor before announcing that there would be no evacuation, no cowardice, and no defeat. The Hero of Hades Hive has returned once more to the service of Armageddon, but it's not clear how much of that Hero truly remains. I mean, not much based off that. There's a lot of replacement going on.
Speaker 1:
[64:28] He can only move because of that machine on his back, Shai? On the mini? That's the only thing that's making him move? I mean, I guess that makes sense after everything he went through.
Speaker 3:
[64:39] He's had a rough life and then he got literally crunched by Ghazghkull.
Speaker 1:
[64:45] Crazy. His grandpappy putting the hit on him is not the worst thing that happened to him. It's like one of the more minor aches that he's dealt with.
Speaker 3:
[64:57] Wow. What a life. What an absolute load of garbage he's had to put up with.
Speaker 1:
[65:02] Yet, he still puts up with. Gosh.
Speaker 3:
[65:07] Inspirational behavior. What we're going to do to end this episode is something a bit more funny. Instead of just ending with this is where he is and then there'll be 11th edition and we'll get more information. We're going to end with something that was published in the Regimental Standard. This is, according to the Standard, the Authorized Biography of Yarrick. So from this point on, this is what they present as his biography. And apparently I've got to put on a grandiose voice and everything. We've got stage directions this time. So, hang on. Terrible noise. The might of the Militarum is built on the backs of its great heroes, and fewer greater than the hero of Hades Hive, Sebastian Yarrick. Yarrick was remarkable from the moment he was born. Instead of crying, Yarrick knew that he was lucky enough to be born into the Imperium, so much so that he made the sign of the Aquila, causing the nursing staff in the room to burst into tears of joy.
Speaker 1:
[66:08] So that is very dumb, but I love the fact that you were told to put on a grandiose voice, and it's just your normal British voice.
Speaker 2:
[66:17] What do you want from me? I think I'd like a little bit more of like, can I get the audiobook readers occasionally throw a guard voice in there?
Speaker 3:
[66:30] You have to give me an accent because I don't...
Speaker 2:
[66:33] I can't do that, DK.
Speaker 1:
[66:36] Oh, when they... Well, my idea of grandiose is, and then he threw upon the Aquila's signal to which all who witnessed, you know, something like that.
Speaker 3:
[66:46] I like this idea. Is that not what I thought that's what I was doing? I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 1:
[66:50] No, you're just British.
Speaker 3:
[66:52] I can't help that.
Speaker 1:
[66:53] Which is in and of itself grandiose to Americans.
Speaker 2:
[66:56] It's the worst possible flaw I could have ever imagined.
Speaker 1:
[67:02] It's British.
Speaker 2:
[67:06] Screw it. Just keep going.
Speaker 1:
[67:07] Yeah, just keep going, dude. You're good.
Speaker 3:
[67:11] At the age of seven, Yarrick was lucky enough to see not one, but both of his parents martyred themselves for the good of the Imperium. It's also very hard to maintain any voice. It's also terrible and stupid. That's really funny.
Speaker 2:
[67:22] Okay, there we go. I'm seeing these kids.
Speaker 1:
[67:26] He was so privileged to see his parents die at a young age.
Speaker 3:
[67:30] Oh my God. She's lucky enough.
Speaker 2:
[67:33] Martyred.
Speaker 1:
[67:34] Martyred. So sorry. You're right. You're right. I was silly of me.
Speaker 3:
[67:39] Which inspired him into a healthy sense of fragility. He was raised in the Scholar Progenium. Some students were unfortunate and have to wait decades before duty calls. But Yarrick was one of the fortunate few to have the opportunity to battle the Xenos at a very young age. You see, his planet was invaded by the Greenskins, and the opportunity to fight them was an exciting one. He was able to kill several through grit and wits. Any schoolboy wishes they could be so lucky. Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:
[68:10] If only I could be so lucky and be just like Yarrick and be thrown into the hells that he's been thrown into. Golly, he gets all the fun.
Speaker 3:
[68:21] What a fantastic time he must have had. The children yearn for the military service.
Speaker 1:
[68:26] Oh no.
Speaker 3:
[68:29] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:
[68:31] What a day.
Speaker 3:
[68:33] When his world was liberated by the brave Astra Militarum, Yarrick's ingenuity was recognized and he was inducted to the Commissariat Cadet Program. He scored perfect scores for zeal, hatred, xenophobia, and devotion to the emperor on his entrance exam. A perfect score for hatred is wild.
Speaker 1:
[68:54] And xenophobia. They just checked his social media accounts. They're like, yup, xenophobia, check.
Speaker 3:
[69:01] Oh my God. He was an ideal candidate for Commissar from the get-go. Not all Commissars have the same record that he has, but they should all be afforded with equivalent respect. Yarrick would fight for several regiments and be specialized for fighting the orcs. Despite rumors, he never attempted to understand the vile aliens and never studied them and never learned their language. That would be heresy.
Speaker 2:
[69:26] So specific.
Speaker 1:
[69:32] He never studied them and never learned their language. Don't talk about it. He doesn't use one of their power claws.
Speaker 3:
[69:40] Oh, it's so funny you mention that. That does come up.
Speaker 1:
[69:45] Of course it does.
Speaker 3:
[69:49] Following a brief disagreement with then planetary governor Hermann von Straub, it was mutually decided that Yarrick should focus his efforts on the management of Hades Hive's defense. Having him focus on these defenses was a very wise tactical decision as the foolish orcs would attempt to attack. Von Straub lured them into a false sense of security by deliberately allowing the defense to collapse. This allowed Hades Hive to be used as an anvil which the orcs were broken upon. When all seemed lost, Commander Dante intervened and executed the orcish armies in a flawless example of imperial planning and cooperation. During the siege of Hades Hive, the Adeptus Mechanicus fashioned Yarrick's arm. The stories that he took it from the body of an orc warlord are a preposterous myth.
Speaker 2:
[70:36] Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, definitely.
Speaker 1:
[70:40] The defenses fell because it was all according to Keikaku, right? Uh-huh, okay, all right.
Speaker 2:
[70:46] Keikaku means Yarrick, by the way.
Speaker 1:
[70:49] Editor's note.
Speaker 3:
[70:52] Following a brief sabbatical on Golgotha, Yarrick would return to Armageddon and would flawlessly predict that another orc invasion was imminent. This is a testament to his training within the Scolar Progenium and all Imperial commanders should take note of this fact and really appreciate the training that they receive. The second orc invasion of Armageddon had begun and the rest, as they say, is officially sanctioned history for those with the correct clearance to read it.
Speaker 2:
[71:21] God, I love 40k sometimes.
Speaker 1:
[71:24] Phenomenal.
Speaker 2:
[71:25] Absolutely phenomenal. People out there be like, 40k doesn't have the satire anymore. Bitch, what is this?
Speaker 1:
[71:34] Read this.
Speaker 2:
[71:35] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[71:36] Yeah, that's a gem. That's an absolute diamond. That's a gem alarm. Oh, no. That's a gem alarm.
Speaker 2:
[71:46] Oh, no.
Speaker 1:
[71:50] Ghaz is just on the doorbell cam. This is my neighborhood.
Speaker 2:
[71:54] So that's a good one. However, I'd like to share my own personal favorite gem alarm.
Speaker 1:
[72:00] You're allowed.
Speaker 2:
[72:00] I can't find it. I can't find my gem alarm.
Speaker 3:
[72:03] Oh, man.
Speaker 1:
[72:04] It's a rough day for Bricky.
Speaker 2:
[72:05] This is a really rough day for me.
Speaker 3:
[72:09] We thought DK was going to be the one in trouble with the whole team speak situation. And yet somehow.
Speaker 2:
[72:17] Here you go. It's a marathon reference.
Speaker 3:
[72:49] Let's go out nicely and really hammer home just how much of an inspirational figure Sebastian Yarrick really is.
Speaker 2:
[73:00] There you have it, Guardsmen. A true example for all of you. To complete your history lesson, your entire regiment is being redeployed to the Armageddon war zone, allowing you to literally follow in the footsteps of this great hero. Best of luck. Yay. Guardsmen takes his hat off. It's a picture of Commissar Yarrick in there, do it for him. Literally following the footsteps of this great, that's so-
Speaker 1:
[73:33] Crazy. I like how this episode is at a healthy dose of grimdark, craziness, orcs, and just parody, and funny quips, and it's been a real roller coaster.
Speaker 2:
[73:53] I've had a very good time with this episode. I've genuinely really enjoyed this episode. It has not only been quite humorous, but it has also been just, I don't know, just like a good, it's just been a good time.
Speaker 1:
[74:12] I remember at the start of the episode when Bricky was like, yeah, Yarrick's kind of lame.
Speaker 3:
[74:16] What's he going to say? Andrew, my initial judgment was reversed in like 10 minutes flat.
Speaker 2:
[74:23] It was reversed extensively quickly, that is correct. And you know what? God bless America or whatever the fuck, because I was having a great time with it and you know what? I maintain to having a great time with it.
Speaker 1:
[74:41] Hell yeah, brother.
Speaker 2:
[74:43] This episode is in loving memory of the Armageddon Steel Legion. Jukari had a change in forever, but here's some napkin drawings of the new models. Now shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1:
[74:59] Wild, wild.
Speaker 2:
[75:02] Yes. Good times all about.
Speaker 1:
[75:08] Hell yeah.
Speaker 2:
[75:10] Any final shenanigans for the folks or is that what we're going to call it?
Speaker 3:
[75:17] I think that's where we're going to call it. I'm going to go and purchase myself a Hellhammer or a Baneblade.
Speaker 1:
[75:26] Or you could go purchase the sexy, legally distinct Yarrick adjacent poster.
Speaker 3:
[75:31] Yes. Absolutely. You could do that.
Speaker 2:
[75:34] You could be doing that as well. You could also be doing- Obey I. That's a bunch of healthy dose of sass, motherfuckers. See you all next time.