transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello, and welcome back to Calm the Fuck Down. I'm Jordana.

Speaker 2:
[00:19] And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

Speaker 1:
[00:22] And today we are doing a special Calm the Fuck Down in session. We have Mackenzie here. We're going to do a little mini therapy sesh. And welcome Mackenzie. And we're excited to have you on the show. We're excited to get into your issue. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Speaker 3:
[00:37] Yeah. Hi. I can't believe I'm on this podcast. This is crazy. Yeah. So I live in LA. I'm a graphic designer. And yeah, I basically wrote in because I got married on actually the worst day of the year.

Speaker 1:
[00:53] So for those of you who don't know, the worst day of the year is Jared Freed's birthday, which I didn't realize was his birthday, and I called it the worst day of the year. So February 21st.

Speaker 3:
[01:03] Yes, February 21st.

Speaker 1:
[01:04] Of this year?

Speaker 3:
[01:05] Yeah, of this year.

Speaker 1:
[01:06] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[01:06] Wow.

Speaker 1:
[01:07] Congratulations. That is very recent. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[01:10] It feels like a lifetime ago, but also yesterday. I still have my nails, which is probably not good, but still have the nails.

Speaker 2:
[01:18] They look pretty good still.

Speaker 1:
[01:20] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[01:20] It's kind of shocking. But anyway, there were like, like everyone says, oh, things go wrong at your wedding. And so I was fully prepared for that. But the thing that I am latching on to are these like small details that didn't go the way I had planned. So for a little context, I'm like I said, I'm a graphic designer. So the second we got engaged, I was like, oh my gosh, like all the crafting, DIY things, anything I can do myself, I want to do. Like it wasn't out of necessity. It was like joy. And I was fully prepared to do all of it. We did like our own invites. The cricket is still here. So I was also cracking up listening to the podcast about the woman with the Florence wedding. Like that was not our wedding. We were not fancy, but we were personal. Like that's what I was like, this has to have our touch on it. So every weekend we were doing a DIY craft. So again, it's like I'm fully aware how silly this sounds, but we had 250 guests. So I made like 250 sunglasses, like with the thing with our names on them. My husband like is notorious for wearing sunglasses all the time. So I was like, hey, everyone's going to get sunglasses. He loves gummy bears. So I, there's like a gummy bear brand that has a distinct logo. So like I designed the logo on the program.

Speaker 2:
[03:01] Oh wow.

Speaker 1:
[03:02] And it's like, that's really cool.

Speaker 3:
[03:03] It was really fun. Like every weekend was something, it was like a second job. And it was like something you look forward to, you know, when work was like rough. It's like, okay, well, I get to do all this fun stuff.

Speaker 1:
[03:16] So you weren't stressed by it. You were like excited about it.

Speaker 3:
[03:19] No, I mean, I loved to like complain about how much work I was doing. But no, it was so much fun. And like, I look back on that time really fondly. One of my friends also is a graphic designer and she would come over all the time. She's a huge fan. So I didn't tell her I was coming on, but she'll, she'll know. So no, it's her.

Speaker 2:
[03:40] That's cool.

Speaker 3:
[03:40] Yeah. But anyway, to make a long story longer, by the time the wedding came, we had boxes and boxes of things that I was very specific about where I wanted them. And I wanted to make sure that they were used. So I labeled every box with like a number, made a spreadsheet with the corresponding number and where everything should go. And then I printed it out, gave it to our coordinator the day before. And then the day of our wedding. And I guess I should say too, like I was anxious about like I'm like having control and I knew I would have to relinquish that for the day. So I was like every meeting we have with the coordinator, I was like, well, we have a lot of stuff. Like so and I was like, hey, the plan is my dad's bringing it. You're going to have the boxes, you have this whole crew who's going to set everything up. And the coordinator was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I was like, okay, I set it. I can't do anything else. I need to move on. Like there's nothing I can do. So then while we're taking photos, it's like 3 p.m. on the worst day of the year, and the wedding starts at 5.30. So we're kind of like moving around the venue trying to take photos. And I'm like, where are the sunglasses? Like I said, I want them at everyone's plate, like placed in the reception area. And you know, like what goes to my mind is, oh my God, you spent probably 30 hours, you know, peeling vinyl, putting it on every sunglasses. I'm like, no, no, no, that has to happen. So I ran, got someone like, hey, the sunglasses aren't out. And someone was like, oh yeah, we saw those, and we didn't really know what to do with them. And I was like, records.

Speaker 1:
[05:22] Didn't you see my spreadsheet?

Speaker 2:
[05:23] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[05:25] I printed out multiple copies. So then literally, I take 10 steps, and then the programs are stacked in a pile in the corner. And I was like, no, these can't be in a pile. I designed this one. And I was like, they need to be on the seats. I don't care about the program. I care that you see the cube, the dumb thing I made. So I was like, hey, those need to be spread out, and not just put my hair on edge or something. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, wow.

Speaker 2:
[05:56] I can't trust them. It feels like I can't trust them.

Speaker 3:
[05:58] Yeah, and I'm like, this is not going to look the way I want unless I'm got my... Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[06:05] Yeah. Doing it myself.

Speaker 3:
[06:06] Yes, and granted, there were other things I fucked up, but those aren't eating at me. I don't know. I'm sure it's the creative part of it that I created this stuff that I was insistent that this part worked. Then later in the night, again, I know people are gonna be like, you sound so dumb. But we got dumb swizzle sticks with our dog's face on them. And our cat too, but the dog was cuter. So I go to get a drink at the bar, and I'm like, where are the swizzle sticks? We spent $300 on stupid swizzle sticks. They're not even out. And then the same thing, I was like, get the swizzle sticks. And then the next day on Sunday, we're kind of like doing like inventory, and there's like 300 swizzle sticks. Like they had brought out one pack, and then that was it. So then on Sunday, we start realizing like, oh my God, we have like, I design, I have the matchbooks. We like, you know, everyone makes matchbooks or whatever, but we have like 150 matchbooks that I put some in a bowl before the day, and then no one refilled it. But like you said, like the spreadsheet had the matchbooks, and like we spent $500 on matchbooks, and like the cost of it and the effort of like doing it, and then being like, oh, well, you have to pay somebody to like do the job that you can't do because you're too busy on that day. And then I'm like, oh my God, now I'm like, what are we gonna do with all these matches? And they're just kind of sitting there staring at me. And like, we've decided we're gonna like mail them to people who couldn't come, like same with the glasses, we have a ton of extra. So I'm like, we're gonna make use out of this stuff. But then what really like prompted me to write y'all in was all of a sudden on Sunday, I'm like, where's my bouquet? And it's not like, you guys might have a different opinion, but it was on a ring, so I could hold it like in the crook of my arm. And it had a, what's it called? Like a charm with both my grandmas who passed on it. And we're like, where to go? And it's clearly like a unique, it's not like a flower arrangement. And we were kind of promised like, oh, everything will get packed up in the car that dropped everything off, and it'll get brought back to wherever it was going. And we have literally no clue where it went. And I'm like, it's just weird. Who took it? It's so like, I don't know, we have no idea. And then, so then on that note, we had a neighbor, like we didn't, we're not like flower people. So our neighbor offered to make us flowers, like arrangements kind of for around. And then my creative friend was like, oh, we can make gifts out of, with resin and the dried flowers after the wedding. Like, and so we were all excited, like, oh, the wedding crafting continues. Like we get to keep this going. And like it'd be, and then it becomes like, oh, we can make things for my parents, my husband's parents, like kind of, part of what that eats me up. I think about this is all this stuff is like, you use it for six hours and then it's like gone. And I was really trying to extend the life of all this stuff. So anyway, my bouquet, the flowers, and then what like really pushed me to email you guys was I got, you know, like on Etsy, you can order like a hanger with a date on it. And for your dress, and I'm like, we got back from our honeymoon, and I'm like, where's the hanger? Like, I should hang the dress up on the hanger. And I'm like, oh my god, it's nowhere, it's gone. And I'm like, they had to clean the place at the end of the night. And we were like, promised, like they do a walkthrough and you have like, you have to clean everything up. And I'm like, who put it in the trash or like took it? It haunts me a little bit. So now what has started to happen and what I've noticed is when people are like, oh, how was the wedding? I like cannot help myself, but be like, it was so great. You won't believe this like crazy thing. Like, and I, and I'm fully aware, it's like of the things, like thank god I like love who I married and like his family's great and we had such a great time, but like, I'm like, no, no, no, my bouquet is gone, you don't understand. So, that is why I wrote in, because I'm like, this should not be my memory of this day that I put all this effort into. And so I'm like, how do I move on from this mystery that will never be solved, basically.

Speaker 1:
[10:58] The mystery of like where all the stuff is?

Speaker 3:
[11:00] Yes, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[11:01] Okay. Is it, so is it about like where all the stuff is and then the frustrate, the lingering like frustration that it didn't go exactly like, that the stuff wasn't distributed and that like it wasn't coordinated correctly?

Speaker 3:
[11:15] I think it stems from, it kind of like made me more anxious to be like, oh my God, this isn't going to look how I want it. And I put all, we put all this effort in, and then it's not going to turn out like the way I had it in my mind. And then yes, the mystery of like, someone took the bouquet with like a charm of my grandma's on it, and either like had it as a decoration for a little bit, or like threw it in the trash. And then when I emailed, so I on Sunday emailed the venue and our coordinator, and they were like, basically the immediate response I got was, oh, everything was gone at the end of the night. And I'm like, yeah, I know. Like, but where, but where? And then two weeks later, I kind of pushed back, and they were like, oh, we think like some of the people working the event or like guests took flowers at the end of the night. And like the flowers aren't whatever, like I guess it's cool to know like one thing someone took and enjoyed. But yeah, the mystery of like the things disappearing. And I like, I just keep being like, what else did I miss? You know, and I'm like, what am I forgetting that I don't have anymore?

Speaker 2:
[12:39] Yeah. But what I'm hearing is your soul, your identity, your passion, your talent was in these objects. And even as you describe, like when I first got engaged, I, my mind was going with all the things that I was going to do and how you had joy in the process, and then had this expectation that, you know, the whole post-wedding blues thing that happens, maybe this expectation that I can busy myself with more wedding stuff like repurposing the flowers and drying them and sending stuff, you know, making stuff for keepsakes for your family, that you sort of had to sit perhaps with the end of it more than you would have and just the loss of that exciting, that took up so... Wedding planning takes up time, but it sounds like for you, with all these little things that you were making, it really took up a lot of time. So your whole life was almost like so busy and intense. And then just like deflated without all that stuff to do. And then not having it at the end of the night. I could see it just, I don't know, just like your sense of self was so full and twofold. One, you wanted it to come out on that day by having everything out there. So like every little moment when you sit down, you get some cute thing. And then when you get a drink, you get a cute thing. And then when you're leaving, you get a cute thing. And like the whole process, and it felt like you were really putting your mark on that wedding, like you said. And then when that didn't happen, not only was it disappointing, but then you're left with this post-wedding blues. Now I don't have that. I can extend this piece so I could see why it just, I don't know, it could feel a little like depressing, but maybe that's being channeled into the mystery of it, or the figuring out, or the annoyance when maybe it is a little sadness underneath it.

Speaker 3:
[14:42] Yeah. I keep telling, when I repeat the story, I'm like, oh, if I could do this over again, get a redo, I would do it in a heartbeat. And you're right, I really enjoyed it. I had a great time. Everyone says, oh, your wedding goes by so quickly. I didn't feel that way. I had a great time. But yeah, and I don't even know if I feel wedding blues, but I think it's hard for me to be like, oh, it was great. Just say a positive, flat statement.

Speaker 2:
[15:15] It's so attached to this other piece.

Speaker 3:
[15:18] Yeah. Well, and I think I default to, oh, it wasn't perfect. It's like a caveat. And this is the thing that's the easiest to be like, you won't believe. Just how to say, oh, the wedding was great, but it didn't go 100 percent perfect. And then I can tell everyone this story that's not. Even that crazy.

Speaker 2:
[15:48] What do you think you're looking for when you share the story? What's the reaction that you want?

Speaker 3:
[15:52] That's such a great question. I think when other designer, artsy friends and I talk about it, we really get like, oh, my God, like all that effort, all that time. I think it's the validation that like, oh, this was a ton of work. And everyone after the wedding was like, oh, so personal, so like, everything was so great and thought of. But in my mind, I'm like, You didn't even see all the stuff. Yeah. You don't even know. So I want to look back fondly on, and I do, I do, but like this like rain cloud in my head, I'm like, this has to move on. And even yesterday, I met up with a friend and I was like, you're not going to do it. You're not going to do it. And then immediately I was like, you won't believe it.

Speaker 2:
[16:43] I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[16:45] No, I mean, I think that's a very relatable, very like common feeling after a big event. I mean, I could name probably like 15 things, like right off the top of my head that went wrong during my wedding. And it's very easy to focus on that, I think, or like remember that because you're kind of remembering, like, of course you had a great time and it was like a special day, but there's so much time and effort and money that goes into it that I think it can feel really like... It's hard to be in the moment when you're like, when you do want things to go correctly, and no one cares quite as much as you, if everything is going like the way you want. Like no one's like, well, where are the drink straws? So it's hard, because like I could totally see that where it's like there's probably one part of your brain that's like, let it go, it's over. No one's remembering that the sunglasses weren't on the table. But then there's the other half that was like, I had a vision and I worked really hard, and I need a little bit of validation in the fact that the things that I did work really... And you're not really going to get that from the venue, because they're not going to take fault or take blame. And I remember the morning after talking, like airing my issues with my venue, and they're like, they don't really care. And so, you're not getting valid. No one at the venue, they're not therapists. They're not going to be like, I totally understand that you wanted the hors d'oeuvres to be passed out at the way, or whatever it was. They wanted, you wanted your cocktail hour lit? You should have said something. You remember that.

Speaker 3:
[18:21] Yeah. It's so funny you say that too, because I'm like, okay, how do I turn this energy that's just like in my soul into something positive? And I was like, okay. And I made a list of like all these things. And I just like blasted it to anyone I knew was getting married. I was like, hey, here's some unsolicited advice. You don't have to respond to me. But like, I wish someone had told me this stuff. And like, it's like a lot of those like smaller things. Like I loved listening to Betches Brides and like all of their tips and stuff. And this stuff feels like way less, you know, important than like the big picture things. I just kind of was like, I have to, I was like, hopefully someone's listening to this. And it's like, oh, okay, if you want your things at the end of the night, you have to be really, really clear or they can get tossed and like, then they're gone. It's like exhausting. The last thing I was thinking of was like, oh, where's my bouquet? And in the moment, it didn't matter. And now I'm like, oh damn. And the funny thing too is like, all of it is replaceable. It's like kind of the principle of like, spending more money on top of the like, ridiculous amount of money we already spend. I'm like, I don't want to get another okay, or like a hanger. It's like, okay, really like that is silly. And we have photos of it. And so I keep trying to tell myself like, you have pictures of everything, like you're going to get photos. So just like hold on for the photos. But anyway, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[19:54] That's a good thing. Part of this, in this releasing, right, is like there's something that we talk so much about, like clinging, right? There's something that you're clinging to there. And I'd love to help you figure out on a deeper level what that is. I think part of it, again, money, easy to cling to, like it feels like wasteful. I could see how annoyed you might have been seeing. As I'm listening, the most triggering part is seeing the boxes of stuff that weren't put out after you gave them specific directions. That's really triggering. The clinging to the money, it sounds like a little bit clinging to the stuff. Maybe, I don't know if there's a piece there about everyone seeing your artistry in it that feels like that was missed or that you're clinging to wanting others to know.

Speaker 3:
[20:44] No, I know what I'm clinging to. I'm clinging to the idea that I'm an organized person, and I don't want to be seen as like that I forgot something, it wasn't accounted for, that it was forgotten. And this is a blaring... But I had to relinquish control. But in that, now I see these things that are staring at me. They're like, no, they were forgotten. So that is what it is.

Speaker 2:
[21:19] Yeah. And that probably speaks to a lot of people that like to have control, right? Like, what is the thing when you let go of control? Is it the actual outcome of the thing that's not going to go well or perfectly? Or it sounds like maybe there's a little piece of like, what does it say about me if it doesn't go well or perfectly?

Speaker 3:
[21:42] Exactly. That's it. That's what it is.

Speaker 2:
[21:44] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[21:45] And like, oh, did I pick the right people? That was part of... So with wedding vendors, I was just like, if someone recommended someone, I just would say, yep, and move on. And I didn't want to spend a ton of time vetting people. And I was like, okay, so was that my fumble? Like, did I need to find someone more detail oriented? It's like, you're not thinking about that a year out from the wedding. And it's like, okay, so was that my mistake? It's like not finding someone kind of on the same creative level as I am, and that's where I messed up. It's like trying to find where I made a mistake, which is-

Speaker 1:
[22:29] Right. And does that kind of play into your fear of having a certain identity, of like, I'm a mess or I'm not organized, or people are going to think that I did something half-assed or whatever? Totally.

Speaker 3:
[22:43] Yeah. She dropped the ball, and as a kid, that would be like, oh my gosh, every kid forgets stuff, it was like, oh, there's Mackenzie, did this. So I, as an adult, really try and be like, no, no, no, I thought of that, and I thought of a backup plan for the backup plan. And when it's this event that you get, like once in your life, and like everyone who you've ever known is in the same room, and then I'm like, oh my god, like.

Speaker 2:
[23:20] So you were saying as a kid, you did forget things, you were forgetful, and then now you've like over-corrected almost.

Speaker 3:
[23:28] Yeah, just like things kids do, like, you know, it's like, oh, you forget your jersey for the-

Speaker 2:
[23:34] Lunch, shoes, all the things, yes.

Speaker 3:
[23:37] And, like, I was definitely of me and my sibling. It was like, oh my gosh, Mackenzie, the cluts, she forgets stuff, you know, it's like, that was my, like, the like teasing as like a kid. And so as an adult, I'm like, no, no, like I've got it. So I guess that is like really interesting that it's like the wedding day when, like, it's like you don't see your family and all these people ever. And then they're in the same room. And then the thing I'm latching on to is like, like, oh, things were forgotten. Or like, that's really interesting.

Speaker 2:
[24:17] Yeah. It's crazy how that old stuff and like, it is this kind of presenting of yourself and your style and your, you know, characterists. Like, how do you, how did you perform on this day? And maybe there was this subconscious fear of like, I don't want to be Mackenzie who's like, forgetting stuff again.

Speaker 1:
[24:38] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[24:39] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[24:39] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[24:39] And meanwhile, it was your wedding planner that forgot all the things, but you kind of forgot some of that.

Speaker 3:
[24:45] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[24:45] Right. And there's like a pride and there would have been a pride. If it all went perfectly according to plan, do you feel like that would have been like a sense of pride for you that it all got, everything was distributed exactly where you wanted it, or the people got things exactly where you put them?

Speaker 3:
[25:02] I think it would have left me neutral, but it would have allowed me to really be in the moment. But it was like seeing things that were missing. It was just like, oh my gosh, I have to be aware. And so I was kind of like looking out for things. But again, like I had a great time. And everyone was really complimentary afterward. I'm like, you're not just saying this, are you? You're not just like... And everyone's promised they're not. They're not. But yeah.

Speaker 2:
[25:41] Seeing little Mackenzie and I kind of like see your little child self, like I don't know if this is what it feels like to you, but like running around being like, I'm going to remember everything. I'm not going to forget my lunch. I'm not going to forget my uniform. And that's still living in you that we do that to kids all the time. Like we kind of put them in a box of like, oh, I have a forgetful. Are you the middle child by any chance?

Speaker 3:
[26:08] No, I'm the older. I'm the younger brother.

Speaker 2:
[26:11] I mean, it's hard for parents not to do that, but you get put in a box and then here you are so many years later, like trying to be like, I'm not in that box anymore. Like I'm going to remember everything. And yeah, that little girl inside is just trying to be like, hey, leave me alone. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[26:31] This is so interesting. I didn't even like put two and two together, but it's so that is totally where it's stemming from.

Speaker 1:
[26:39] I think that coupled with this idea of like your wedding is like the biggest event of your life and having like anyone even, you know, maybe even people I think who don't have that identity or aren't thinking in that way. It still feels like there's like all this pressure to do it right. And then it's over and you can't go back. You can't go back and put the sunglasses on the right way. And then it's like this fleeting moment. And then probably this fear of like, this was my chance to have ever. I know you said I have everyone that I know in this room. It's my one chance to show everyone like what I can do.

Speaker 3:
[27:15] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[27:18] So I could see how that would amplify a feeling that was kind of lingering there. But I could see, you know, I don't know if you want kids, but I could see you throwing a very good birthday party. Some personalized goodie bags and stuff.

Speaker 3:
[27:30] And we get to run it back every year. So anything you forget gets fixed.

Speaker 1:
[27:35] Right, so I guess, are you looking to like, when you're coming to us, are you looking for a way to let go of thinking about it, or what's your goal, I guess, going forward?

Speaker 3:
[27:46] Yeah, I want to not have this asterisk on this day. And I hate that, I'm like, oh my god, it was so great. And then the things didn't go exactly as I wanted them to.

Speaker 1:
[28:02] In your mind, you want, or verbal, or to other people?

Speaker 3:
[28:06] Well, in my mind, so then I don't.

Speaker 1:
[28:10] It starts with your mind, yeah?

Speaker 3:
[28:11] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even want, it's like so unfair. Like there, for a while, I just kept, like anytime my husband came in the room, I'd be like, can you believe this? And he was like, well, the wedding was like pretty great. I'm like, well, yeah, yeah, it was great. But like, you know, there's things we can complain about.

Speaker 1:
[28:29] Someone needs to pay for this. Yeah, for this error. Yeah, I think that's another part is like a validation that I think I was kind of saying that before too. It's like this validation from the venue or your husband or your friends of like, you worked really hard on this and it didn't come out the way you want. And I think there's like this feeling of like, I don't want to be a bridezilla and have people like weeping for me because my sunglasses didn't get distributed correctly. But also like I would like someone to appreciate how much effort and time and money I put into this.

Speaker 3:
[29:00] Yeah. But again, like, like that is the more like unhealthy. Like I should be like, oh no, like this is stemming from trying to prove that I'm an organized person.

Speaker 1:
[29:13] But yeah, but validated. I think it's valid to be like, I want the venue to be like, I understand we said we would do this and we didn't do that and we're sorry.

Speaker 3:
[29:21] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[29:22] And I'm probably not getting that. Or like, you know, someone who was supposed to distribute something. I understand I had the like an apology or something.

Speaker 3:
[29:29] Yeah. And like the snowball of it was kind of interesting where at first it was just like, oh, weird. And then I emailed and no one responded to me from the venue. And I was like, OK, well, guilty. That feels like very like you were there and now you're not responding to me. So then it's like I'm building this case in my head that I'm like, they took my things and that's what I can cling on to. This is crazy. But it's really, it's not a big deal. It's really, it's not.

Speaker 2:
[30:05] Yeah. And I think looking forward might help you too. If you have this spirit, this soul, this creative energy, even the overcorrection or the correction that you made of being forgetful when you were younger, normal kid forgetful, but whatever you want to call it. Your wedding is not your last chance to do this, to be this, to be who you are, to have an event that goes really well, or to be creative in this way. Like you can, I think you do have this itch and this craving to keep doing it, and you do it for work too. So like you really have it in you. And I do think the whole, like you said, Jordana, your wedding sometimes feels like it's the pinnacle of everything. It's the moment where your best self has to be perfectly on, like even the way people will get in the best shape of their life for their wedding. It's like, for what? Like you have the whole rest of your life still after that. Because there's a photo on that day and everyone's that supposed to be the perfect way that you are.

Speaker 3:
[31:09] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[31:10] I think letting go of that a little bit and being like, who says that that one day had to be the demonstration of the best of who you can possibly be? That you have the rest of your life to be.

Speaker 3:
[31:22] Yeah. I mean, I did that too. I've never been this in shape because of the wedding. It became my personality was preparing for this. It was a great reprieve from work stress and a super fun thing to do on the weekends and motivating. So yeah. I don't feel sad that it's over. I don't think that's why I'm clinging on to this. But yeah. I definitely was like the next big thing where everyone's going to be there is my funeral. So I'll nail that.

Speaker 1:
[32:03] That's such, you could have a milestone birthday. You could have a, again, like throw your husband a birthday party.

Speaker 3:
[32:11] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[32:12] Like there's a million ways I think to showcase that. But I understand the idea of like all eyes are on me. This is my shot. And I feel there's like part of me that feels like I didn't do everything the way I had it in my head. I think everyone gets that around their wedding. I mean, I'm sure Naomi, you could also think of things that you wanted to go with a vision you had. It didn't pan out that way.

Speaker 3:
[32:35] It's reassuring to hear you say that because I feel like a lot of people put on this, like it was the best day of my life. And like, oh my God, I'm like, I was pretty stressed. Like, there's a lot of photos. I think, like, but-

Speaker 2:
[32:49] Even that, even the pressure that it's supposed to be the best day of your life, the pressure that it's supposed to be, you know, it's supposed to be like so fun and you're in it. And it's okay if it's not. Like it really has to be okay. And I do think something for you to look forward to or look to grow into is that you don't have to prove to anyone that you are not going to forget. Or I guarantee you, we always talk about like the pendulum and like you're probably here. So when you feel like you're here, you're probably really like here. You know what I'm saying? Like when you feel like you're all the way to one end, you're really, if you're pretty much like you said type A. Yes, you're so aware that even if you let go a bit and allow yourself and even if, which I don't think is going to happen, your parents are like, oh wow, like look at, forgetful Mackenzie. She forgot the whatever, the potatoes. Like, okay. You know you're good. Stay calm. Like I do think it would be good now that you're kind of recognizing that there's an old wound that's being triggered to kind of be like, this doesn't hurt anymore. Feel like it feels like it hurts in your body because your body's still holding that, being made fun of or whatever by your family. But it's an old wound and you're good just the way you are. Even if you took it down 10 notches, you'd still be good. Okay.

Speaker 3:
[34:22] Now, that's very enlightening. And it's so funny, I was making all these notes for this, and I didn't even put two and two together about that until you said.

Speaker 2:
[34:33] Right.

Speaker 1:
[34:34] Because the person you're like, like she said, like the person who's really disorganized is not even thinking about the fact that they're disorganized.

Speaker 2:
[34:41] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[34:42] That's right.

Speaker 2:
[34:45] And anyone with a spreadsheet or anything to me is like, I don't think I've ever really made a spreadsheet for like anything.

Speaker 3:
[34:54] I'm not a spreadsheet girlie, that's for sure. I'm definitely like, like even my job doesn't, we're not on email all the time. It's very like, you know, loosey goosey. So it's like, they're like, oh, the creative one over there, like, like she's doesn't have all of her ducks in a row. So I, I tried.

Speaker 2:
[35:16] Maybe the family piece, like this being with your, like your family involved brought out that side of you a little bit more.

Speaker 3:
[35:23] Yeah. Even like not even just my, like my, not like my family of origin, even them, like it's like the extended people who like full disclosure, like I don't like, I'm not very close with my extended family. And it is like that proving like, oh no, I'm like, look at all this stuff I did and how prepared I was. It's like, I'm probably not going to see them again. Or, but it's like their opinion doesn't even matter. I like, don't even see them very often.

Speaker 2:
[35:57] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[35:58] Well, you seem very capable to me.

Speaker 2:
[36:00] Totally. And that, I'm hoping there's, you're expecting at a wedding for it to be big and everyone to go hard, but like even it would be really fun, just a little party that you have for whatever to like do these fun crafty things and come home with like a giveaway that you weren't expecting or whatever. Like that could be a cool surprise for your friends and family, a way to channel this energy going forward.

Speaker 3:
[36:21] Yeah, I know I was like, how do I force like everyone I know back in a room for take two? But no, you're so right. And like even like talking about that and being like, oh, that is where it comes from. It's like old things that are trying to prove your identity. That's where this is coming from. It's not about a lost, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2:
[36:45] Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1:
[36:46] But validated that you worked hard. Yeah, totally.

Speaker 2:
[36:50] Totally about it. And honestly, the wedding planner, I think is quite annoying. I don't know if they didn't know what to expect or you didn't give them much notice or like that's kind of their job in a lot of ways to, maybe they bit off more than they can chew or they're like, okay, I can't really refill the matches and like do all the rest of this and maybe she should have told you ahead of time. Like I just can't. In her defense, I'm assuming it was her.

Speaker 3:
[37:18] It was a guy.

Speaker 2:
[37:18] Okay. In his defense, it was sounds like it was a lot, maybe more than most weddings have, like in terms of all these little bits and pieces. But if he couldn't do it, he probably should have said this is a little too much. Like I don't know if I can do this all or like I'm going to need to raise the price because I'm going to need to hire help or whatever that communication might have been.

Speaker 3:
[37:39] So he was the coordinator and then it was all of his staff were like our bartenders and servers. So he had like a crew of like 14 people that were helping set up before. And if I could go back on our calls, like because we had like a month out call, two weeks out, one week out, whatever. I just kept being like, we have a lot of stuff, like just so you know, like and I was like, like I was trying to not be like, listen.

Speaker 2:
[38:07] Right. This is a big thing you have to prepare for, right? Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[38:11] And I was trying to not be a bridesilla. And the whole time I was like, things are going to go wrong. It's fine. Like, and I think I was prepared for like hiccups. I wasn't prepared for like being the things that like were personal to be fumbled. And so that's where I was just like, you know, knife in the heart. But again, I can't say it enough. I'm aware way worse things could have happened. Like way, way worse.

Speaker 2:
[38:43] Yeah, we just need to get you to kind of shake it, move on.

Speaker 1:
[38:46] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[38:47] Hopefully this conversation helped a little bit to get some direction there.

Speaker 3:
[38:50] Yes, it was so helpful. Great.

Speaker 1:
[38:52] Well, thank you so much for coming on. And let us know if you do another event.

Speaker 3:
[38:57] Send us pictures.

Speaker 1:
[38:59] Send us pictures of all the giveaways. And it sounds like you're really talented. I think that's really cool that you made it so personal.

Speaker 3:
[39:05] Oh, you're so sweet.

Speaker 1:
[39:06] Thanks.

Speaker 3:
[39:07] I really appreciate you guys doing this and listening to me whine about this stuff.

Speaker 1:
[39:13] No, there's always something bigger behind it, too.

Speaker 3:
[39:16] Yeah, I knew that, but I definitely wouldn't have been able to put my finger on it by myself. I would have just been spewing venom to anyone.

Speaker 2:
[39:26] Well, glad we could help with that part. Thanks for being here.

Speaker 3:
[39:29] Thank you so much.

Speaker 2:
[39:30] All right, that's our time.

Speaker 1:
[39:32] Great work today.