transcript

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
[01:06] Hi, everybody. I'm Jessica Porter, and welcome back to Sleep Magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. And this is this month's Mailbag episode. So welcome, everyone. This is where I will do my best to answer the questions that you've sent in. But before we dive into some of these juicy issues, a few things. First, I am not an official expert on any of these topics, except maybe I have a lot of experience with hypnosis. So I will give you my experience and my perspective, but I could also be stumped at some of your questions, and I won't hide that. I won't pretend to know stuff I don't. If you need professional help with some of these issues, I encourage you to seek it out. I normally say second, this episode may not be appropriate for children, but I don't think that's true in this week's case. And finally, if you tend to fall asleep when you hear my voice, that's good, but if you're interested in getting the details, you can listen to this again while you're cleaning the house or taking a walk. Just don't listen to it if you're driving or doing something serious and you may fall asleep. Okay? All right, let's get into it. First question from anonymous. I'm aware I have self-esteem issues, but I feel like in life I always give more than I get back. I know we're not supposed to expect anything in return, but I always feel disappointed. I have a big heart, I love people, I get attached to friends, I'm married with kids so I'm not looking for a romantic attachment, but I feel like others don't show up for me. I'm always giving and I feel like I fall through the cracks. Well, anonymous first of all, I think you're touching on something really universal here. This is an experience maybe a lot of people can relate to or have had in their lives at some point. Now you say, I know we aren't supposed to expect anything in return, but I always feel disappointed. I think what you're really pointing to here is the difference between giving from love and looking for exact balance. Yeah, because ideally, we give because giving feels good, not because we're waiting for a precise return. But that's a whole separate issue from whether a relationship itself feels balanced, because friendships should feel balanced. I mean, not perfectly balanced all the time. Life changes, people go through difficult seasons, everyone's needs fluctuate. But over time, there should be some sense of mutual care. Otherwise, resentment does start to build. But the thing about balance is it's often struck in invisible ways. For example, I suck at giving gifts, like true, like physical gifts. I'm really, really bad at that. Every step of the process kicks up all my ADD tendencies, thinking of a good gift and what that person would want, finding it, buying it, wrapping it, getting it there on time. There's so many places to fail, and it's just not my natural strength. But what I do bring to my friendships is emotional presence. I listen really deeply. I show up in hard times. I call myself a foul-weather friend. So balance in relationships isn't transactional. It's more about asking, what do I genuinely bring, and what does the other person genuinely bring, and figuring out if that works for you, as opposed to constantly checking in about whether you're getting back versions of what you've given. Okay. So that's one aspect to my answer, but I think there may be a deeper piece to this puzzle, anonymous. You began by saying you're aware you have self-esteem issues, and that may be what's actually playing out here. Sometimes low self-esteem gets unconsciously brought into our relationships, and then we begin to interpret what are neutral moments as abandonment, or we begin to expect others to soothe wounds that actually come from much earlier in our lives. I hope you don't take this as a criticism. It's actually meant to be empowering. We all have our own baggage and we are all responsible for unpacking it, no matter where it came from. Once you unpack it, you can begin to work with it, begin to heal it. So my question back to you is, what exactly are those self-esteem issues and where do they come from? Because until they're addressed, they may continue to affect that sense of balance in your relationships. I know for me, the more I can work on my own stuff, my own limitations, my own wounds, my own crummy feelings, the less pressure I put on my relationships. The more I can be relaxed in a relationship, the more I can appreciate that other person for who they actually are and the more I can receive what they have to give. But when my stuff remains unconscious, if feelings I haven't processed about my mother or father or old friendships or whatever start to play themselves out unconsciously, they can really mess with current relationships. So the bad news here is that you may be bringing conflicts and crappy feelings to the table that are now appearing to be conflicts and crappy feelings in your relationships. But the good news is that you're bringing this to the table and you can work on these things and you don't have to get perfect and squeaky clean before things get better. I think in order to improve your relationships or your perception of them, you just need to get honest with yourself. Because when we're not in the truth, life becomes very messy. When I say get honest about it, I mean bring it to a therapist, start journaling, become conscious and responsible for your own issues. There's room for me to bring my stuff to my friendships without acting it out on my friendships. When I bring clarity and honesty to my friendships, I'm no longer secretly expecting other people to heal it for me or soothe it for me. You can even cop to your baggage like, hey, sometimes in friendships, I get these expectations, they're from my childhood, I'm sorry, I don't mean to lay that on you. See what happens. Honesty is really, really compelling and often attractive. Because other people get to benefit from it too, and you become an example, even an inspiration to them. And remember Anonymous, every relationship is a work in progress. And we are all individually evolving all the time. So get real with what's happening. And I think you'll make some space for real growth. And if you need support along the way in order to do this, please seek it out. We all need support. Thank you for writing. Next, from Helen in Suffolk in the UK. I really struggle to sit down and relax in my downtime, such as reading or watching TV with a tea or coffee. I always feel like I need to be doing something, cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening. Why does rest feel so uncomfortable for me? And how do I learn to slow down without feeling lazy or guilty? I love this question, Helen. I think a lot of people probably relate to it. I think part of the answer may already be inside the question itself. How do I slow down without feeling lazy or guilty? Those belief systems usually come from somewhere. Maybe family of origin, sometimes culture. I mean, I know in our Western world, we often inherit the belief that constant productivity equals virtue. But your body, Helen, is fundamentally a balancing system. I mean, sure, if you're slowing down all day and can't make a living or get anything done, or meet any of your responsibilities, yeah, that's a problem. So I think the key idea here is balance. Rest is a balancing mechanism. Rest is the natural balance to activity and exertion. And our bodies are meant to balance. That's how they're designed. Rest is not laziness. Rest is part of homeostasis. It's literally how healing happens. Without rest, the body cannot regulate. So I would begin by gently questioning those beliefs. Who taught you that slowing down is lazy? You may need to look at that in order to push back against that belief system. Or, pardon the pun, give it a rest. However, simply identifying belief systems is often not enough to stop them from operating within us. Although it's a start. Belief systems generally turn into habits and behaviors that make up the engine rooms of our subconscious minds. And in fact, our whole identity and lots of feelings can get tangled up in those belief systems. So if identifying where the, quote, lazy voice comes from isn't enough, you might want to talk this out with a therapist or start a meditation practice that helps those bands of energy fall away, that allows those belief systems to let go. So that's one thing. But I'm also wondering, Helen, if you're putting something in your body that might be keeping you in sort of go-go-go mode, coffee, tea, energy drinks, drinking those things all day can make us feel twitchy and sort of keep us hovering above the deep rest we need. So dialing them down might slow down your engine if you depend on them regularly. I also find that eating whole grains, like brown rice or millet or whole barley, they help me to stay balanced. Because the parts of them that make them what we call whole is the bran and the germ. They're normally stripped from a grain. But those components available only in a whole grain bring lots of B vitamins to the body. And those B vitamins allow the nervous system to calm down, really easily and smoothly. And I find that when I eat whole grains regularly, there's this sort of magical impact. And I have really good quality, peaceful energy that's stable. It distributes itself evenly over time. But when I need to slow down and take it easy and recalibrate, I do that very easily and happily too. So, look at what you're putting in. What we put in ourselves is what we get out of ourselves. It's a very simple system. And that's my two cents. Thanks for your question, Helen, and good luck with that. Next, from Anonymous.

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 3:
[14:14] I'm 29 and have been with my partner for half a decade. It's a, quote, normal relationship. That's in quotes. We live together, both work, have dates and vacations when we can. Is it okay to stay in a relationship because it's, again in quotes, good enough? Even if it's not everything I imagined? Or am I comparing myself to relationships in the media and on TV, where life always seems more exciting? I don't want this to turn into resentment and wonder if these feelings mean I've outgrown the relationship. Well, anonymous, first of all, I just want to say I'm amazed when anyone asks me anything about romantic relationships because it's really been my biggest set of challenges. So take what you like and leave the rest. I do not. I'm the furthest thing from an expert here. The truth is, sometimes when you don't do something easily or intuitively, you actually spend a lot of time thinking about it and watching how others do it. So maybe my perspective will help. We'll see. The first thing I want to say which has very little to do with relationships, please do not compare your life to TV or film or social media. None of us should be doing that ever. Because healthy relationships generally include long stretches of ordinary life, daily routines, errands, tired evenings, fights, practical conversations, boring weeks. This is not failure. That's life. So when it comes to watching other people's lives, it's one thing to feel inspired by the lives of others, but straight comparison, which generally gives you a feeling of lack, is soul-destroying. And it's not just because you may never get that Mercedes, so don't tease yourself with it. It's not the stuff that's the problem. It's the comparison itself. Remember, you are living your life through your body and your consciousness. That's it. End of sentence. That's how it comes to you and through you. And it comes one day at a time, not as ideas or fantasies or an Instagram reel. Even Beyonce's life comes through Beyonce as a string of little moments experienced only by her. And most of that experience, hers and yours, will feel mundane, not exciting. But that doesn't mean those daily moments aren't precious and amazing. And most importantly, yours. And that mundane quality of most of life, isn't because you're failing to achieve something more fantastic, but because TV and social media are scripted and edited, and amplified, and have nothing to do with real life. And even when they do represent a little clip of real life, it's just a little clip of real life. And in between those moments that seem so heightened, are bathroom breaks, and boring time, and burping, and sleep, and self-esteem issues. Believe me, I've gotten close to some very successful people, and they struggle with the exact same stuff everyone else does. Just in nicer houses. So what matters is not whether your life looks cinematic. So beware of those comparisons. That said, back to your relationship question. Even with an ordinary existence, a good relationship should feel supportive. So I ask if you have that. There should be a sense of being known, of being accompanied through life, of having someone beside you in those quieter moments. Does that exist between you? That's my first question. Second, a tip for a relationship that might be feeling a bit too comfortable after five years. Novelty introduces adrenaline. And trying new and exciting things can be very bonding. When real life gets into a groove, we look at our relationship and say, this is boring, but it's really the groove that's gotten boring. So when you actively take yourself out of your routine, shake up your brain, shake up your body, you shake up the relationship. So try a new restaurant, a new cuisine, a new vacation spot, bungee jump. I know you said you go on dates and vacations, but maybe you need to try some daily newness, just for the sake of the newness. The more novel, the more adrenaline, and the more it can help you see one another in new ways. Which brings me to my third and possibly most important part of the answer. I think it's important to distinguish whether this is simply a boredom issue or a life path issue. Because I think what matters in terms of your relationship, maybe any relationship, is whether you and your partner are alive and growing within it. That's the deeper question. Are you growing as a person in this relationship? Is your partner growing? And growth doesn't have to look dramatic. It may simply mean curiosity, openness, learning, evolving, becoming more conscious. Because over the long haul, it helps enormously if both people are interested in growth. If one person is evolving and the other person is deeply committed to staying the same, that can become painful over time. So rather than asking whether it's exciting enough, I would ask, is the relationship alive? Is there still a living energy between you? Can the relationship withstand honest conversations about where it is and where it's going? Because you may need to have them. And good relationships can survive difficult conversations. Finally, Anonymous, if you were looking at your relationship in all sorts of ways and you were trying all sorts of things, sort of doing 360 degrees from every angle, examining it, and your intuition still says, this is not right. I don't know why, but this is not my destination. Personally, I honor that. Every time I've made a move away from something that didn't feel good, and I always did the work, maybe for too long, to examine and test and find out and try again and forgive, and I stick around in experiences and relationships. But there's a certain point at which you may have examined it from every single angle and still your inner voice is like, I need to move. I honor that, I do it, and I've never regretted it. Staying in a relationship simply because you're afraid to start again or be single or face the unknown, I don't know, I think you may pay a price for that down the road. You may have to repress a lot of yourself to fit within the safety of the relationship, and that's not a great trade-off. So I encourage you to do everything you can to invest in this good thing. Build it, learn how to build it, be honest within it, grow within it if all the elements are there. But never stop listening to that little voice inside of you. It's an important guide in your life. Don't muffle it. And a good relationship can include both. Nurturing the relationship, growing within the relationship, loving the other person and having that voice align with it all. Thank you for reaching out and good luck. Next, from MJG on Spotify. I would love to use my voice in my career. Do you have any advice on how I can get started? Well, this is a great question. First, it depends on how you want to use your voice. There are so many ways, in commercials, audio books, as an interviewer, a hypnotist, a voice actor, radio. And with respect to entering any of those fields, I would say get some training, that's real. Make some recordings, some demos, and persist, persist, persist, persist. I have friends who do very well in the voiceover world and the audio book world. And the thing they have in common, beyond natural talent, is persistence. They have stayed in the industries when others might have gotten bored or discouraged, and they created space for themselves over time. Persistence is a key to so many things in life. But here's my deeper answer, MJG. Make sure your voice is connected to you. Whether it's narration, radio, acting, blah, blah, blah, singing, what people are hearing is not just sound. They're hearing your inner world, your imagination, your emotional truth. The golden age of radio was sometimes called the theater of the mind, for good reason. Think about it. In old radio dramas, actors couldn't telegraph their facial expressions. The audience saw no body language, no actual actions. Everything had to come through the voice and sound effects. That's because the voice carries emotion, imagination, and storytelling. So although the technical quality of your voice matters, what really matters is the person behind it. Now, there's no point at which you suddenly become perfectly yourself, and are then ready to use your voice professionally. It's an ongoing process of developing both the instrument of your voice and the person using it. But when you allow your voice to be fully connected to your full self, your inner world, your emotional life, your curiosity, that's when it becomes powerful. So yeah, sure, develop the technical skills, absolutely. But also develop your inner life, because ultimately that's what people are responding to when they hear you speak. Great question. Great question. Thank you. Next, from Alex on Spotify. I'm an actor. Do you have advice for pre-show jitters? Well, Alex, I'm an actor too. And yes, you've come to the right place. I do. In fact, as an actor, who then became a hypnotherapist, it became really compelling to me to see how acting and hypnosis overlapped. And I started to use hypnosis specifically on acting-related problems. I began teaching a workshop about it that many, many people have taken. I created a website called Hypnosis for Actors, for as in the number. And I wrote a book called Unlock Your Power, which is on Amazon, specifically for actors. The short version of the fix here is don't fight your adrenaline. Learn to ride it. You ride the adrenaline wave. It's not the enemy. And the more you practice relaxing into the adrenaline wave, the more it works for you and not against you, the more quickly it passes, you become centered in the moment, and you do your work. But there's way more in that book, and on my website, which has videos you can purchase and watch and use forever and recordings. So good luck. I mean, break a leg. Break a leg. Thank you for asking. Next, from Anonymous. How the heck do I get over my ex? A little context. There's no kids involved, and I'm in my mid to late 20s. We were together for almost three years and I got broken up with five months ago, and honestly feel too tired to give any more details. But that in itself should probably give you all you need. Oh, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous. Breakups are brutal, brutal, truly. In some ways, a breakup can feel much harder than the grief that takes place when someone dies. Because the breakup person still exists. They're still in the world. The bond is broken, but the person remains. And that creates a very particular kind of pain. And most of the time, the breaker-upper and the break-e have very different experiences, which is also painful. The breaker-upper often thinks about the breakup long before it happens, preparing for the breaking up, sometimes months or even years. So by the time it happens, the breaker-upper can have this sort of cold finality about it all, and then maybe some guilt. But the breaker-upper sometimes moves on really quickly because they've been preparing for this event. Which sucks for the break-e. Meanwhile, the break-e is in shock, and shock itself has its own lifespan and aftershocks. It also has to wrestle with feelings of rejection, hurt, anger, grief, self-pity, and victimhood. That's a horrible spiral of emotions. And for the break-e, most of it comes as a surprise, without wanting any of it to happen. At least the breaker-upper is in some ways getting what they want. The break-e is just sitting there in their own garbage pit. Believe me, I know, I've been there. So yeah, the late, great Neil Sadaka, who just died recently, said it best. He wrote a song called Breaking Up is Hard to Do from the 1960s. I heard it all through my childhood. You should Google it. It's a beautiful song, because it's a break-e, writing it. Like, don't break up with me, please. You're not alone, anonymous. This happens to half of all couples. Someone's the break-e. Everything you're feeling is deeply universal and deeply human. So please do not judge yourself for any of it. And the first thing I want to say is, this will take longer than you want it to. And that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You were neurologically, emotionally, spiritually, and maybe financially bonded to this person. And when that bond comes apart, it can feel like an actual physical injury. That's a real phenomena. So be gentle. Now you're five months in. And time really does help here. They say that time heals all wounds. And I don't know if that's entirely true, but I think it's definitely true for breakups. My mother had a rule of thumb. I don't know where she got it. It may be like everyone knows this or everyone says it, but take the time of the relationship itself, cut it in half, and that's how long you expect to grieve, especially as the breakie. Now that sucks if you get broken up with after 50 years. I doubt it takes 25 years to get over. But the point is be generous with your estimation here. Be kind, and you're going to have feelings. You're five months in, I'm sure you've already had a bunch of them, cycling and recycling. When the anger comes, which is very, very healthy, let it move safely, hit pillows, take a boxing class. The anger is a good sign that you're taking back your power. But you have to move it and not ruminate on it. Let your body process what your mind cannot yet resolve. And there are things you can do beyond just waiting and feeling. It's important to begin recommitting to your own life. And that could mean doing new things, like entirely new things. Again, novelty. Change your routines. Start a hobby, redecorate your apartment, move the furniture. You need to break neural pathways up and create new experiences that help your nervous system build new pathways that don't include that person. You may after five months be ready to do that stuff. By shaking things up, you get to move into the future as you, as opposed to some wounded half of a couple. And in terms of doing new things, one of the most healing questions you can ask is, how can I be of service today to someone else? Helping others gets us out of our own problems. And helping others will remind you that you're bigger than this breakup. There's more to you than this pain. You're of use to the world no matter what your ex-partner thinks or is doing. And it also reminds you that others are going through hard things too. Being of service gives instant distraction and instant perspective. So volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take care of a friend's dog. See if a nursing home needs help. That's a really amazing thing to genuinely just give of yourself to another human being. Most of all, anonymous, be kind with yourself, be gentle, be patient. Let yourself be babysat sometimes by your friends because we don't control grief. It does us and it takes time. We will not feel like this forever. I promise. Okay, next question from Ty. Is it possible to live without regrets? Ty, I love this question. I love this question. This for me was the big question of the week, the thinker that had me really spinning on it for a while. And it's something I've thought about before this in my life. So first of all, I have a really simple policy about regret. I choose not to have it. I choose not to have regrets. But I had to develop certain ways of thinking in order to genuinely live that. If you want to hear my full answer and advice on this question, you can listen to the extended premium version of this episode by subscribing to Sleep Magic. Check the show notes for more details. Okay, that's it for now. We do this monthly with extended episodes for subscribers. So please submit your questions in the next few weeks so I can answer them in the next episode. You can ask me anything, whether it's about an issue you're having, a question about me, or just a question about life. I'm opening to answering as many as I can, so be sure to send them in. If you want to submit a question and you listen on Apple or are subscribed through Apple or The Sleepiest App, please send your questions to hello at sleepmagic.fm. If you listen on any other podcast, portal, or platform, go to the show notes of this show and there will be a Supercast link in the show notes. Click on that and go to the Ask Me Anything feature and you can put your question there. Thank you for listening. I really look forward to hearing your questions and please let us know in the reviews what you thought of this episode. I'm sorry we can't get to every single question every week, but please keep sending them in and I'll try to get to them next time. Thank you everybody. Good night.