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[00:00] I know you've heard a lot of the negative stories about Casey, but I would need to brag about him for this. A couple months ago, he said, I want to get mom something special before Mother's Day, so it's even more meaningful. And I think it's a thank you for decades of listening patiently and providing that comfort that only moms can. So I said, hey, when your mom wears anything with that cozy earth brush bamboo, it's like all her stress goes away, and she feels cared for and pampered. She can go from like cozy earth, heavenly PJs, robes and puffy sheep slippers, to wearing a cozy earth brush bamboo skirt or dress. It's like casual comfy elegance for any time of day. Cozy earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Moms, share this with your spouse, or just go get something you want now. Head to cozyearth.com and use code CALM for an exclusive 20 percent off. I'll race you right now to cozyearth.com and use code CALM for 20 percent off. 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Okay, no long intro to this, because I'm going to cover about 8 or 10 different situations for kids of all ages. It's going to apply to many of your kids. So that's what we're going to cover and discover in this lightning round Q&A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. There you will find an ad free version of the podcast. Take advantage of the special 50% off spring sale on our downloadable programs. And check out our PDA parent podcast as well. So let's roll with this Q&A. This is based on questions asked by parents on our Instagram page where I am very, very active. So please join us there at Calm Parenting Podcast. Okay, 40 seconds in. Hey, we've got a four-year-old who's causing conflict. And I get questions like this almost daily. Like our three or four or five or six-year-old is causing conflict between me and my spouse. How can we get her to start listening and behaving? No, the four-year-old is not coming between you and your spouse. Your own immaturity is. You have unrealistic expectations that a toddler or little child is supposed to just do what you tell them, so it's easier for you. Why are you allowing a little child with a few years of life experience to completely own you when you've been on the planet for 30 years? How's that for a start to a podcast? Look, there's no blame or guilt unless you don't change your attitude. Then you should feel bad and you're gonna continue to have fights. This is not about your child. It's all those generations of family dysfunction from each of your families that are so beautifully coming to the surface now, shining a light on your impatience, your control issues, your inability to handle conflict or control your own emotions. Look, I'm not being tough on you. Those, that's what got me to change all of those things and more. And it's coming to the surface so you and your spouse can deal with them in a mature way and grow up. Otherwise, you will grow apart and family life will be a disaster. See, you're asking me the wrong question. Oh, how can we change the behavior of a four or a 14-year-old when the correct question is, hey, how can my spouse and I grow up and learn how to handle conflict and parent differently? How can we learn to control ourselves when we get triggered by this tiny human or by that human that's towering over you that kind of smells right now as your teenager? That will change the entire situation and it will change it much more quickly than trying to change the behavior of a child. So, I'm just going to encourage you. Binge listen to past podcast episodes on controlling your own anxiety and control issues. There are dozens of them and they're free. If you really want to change quickly and over the long-term, go through the 30 Days to Calm program. It's the one that I did. It is my process I used to go from being like that, really upset reactive dad to the Calm dad, and there's 16 other downloadable programs. It's on sale now, celebratecalm.com. If you need help financially, ask for it. We love assertive people. Just e-mail Casey and said, hey, I need to change myself, not my child, and he'll help you. Okay, moody teen tween daughter, right? I've got this daughter who struggles with some moods. How should I relate to that? I can tell she doesn't wanna feel this way, but I'm not sure how to support her. So number one, I think one of the most powerful things parents can do is normalize this. Well, of course you have mood swings now, and there may not even be a reason for it. This is one of the hardest times of your entire life that you're going through. You're making this transition from being a kid to being an independent young woman. You are experiencing all of this for the very first time. New social situations, more challenging schoolwork, new hormones, it can feel confusing, and some days you just may feel off. That's perfectly normal and to be expected. Now, obviously, you can watch for signs that it's something more serious like depression, but in most cases, it's just a normal part of the process, and it's incredibly reassuring to hear from someone who's been through it before. Oh yeah, this is how you should be feeling. Number two, I like invitations for strong will kids. Hey, if you want to talk about it, rather than just like, oh, let me jump in and lecture you, or let me jump in and tell you how to handle this, they'll always reject that. So, hey, if you want to talk about it, just come get me. We'll go for a walk. We'll have a snack together. Feel free to come talk to me while I'm making dinner in a bit. That way, it's your child's choice and there's no pressure. You could have, which we had in our home, a code word that your child says that means, I really need to talk, and then you have a certain tradition. Maybe it's that you drink hot cocoa. You go for a drive after dark. Kids tend to open up more after dark. Whatever you enjoy doing together. Number three, if your daughter does want help, share with her what helps you. Exercise, fresh air, talking it through, venting, journaling, praying, meditating, doing something kind for someone else. By the way, don't miss that. In the teen and tween years, they become these years where everything is just focused on myself and how I fit in the world, what my friends are doing. And you know, if you've been around for a while, that if you really focus on yourself all the time, you can become miserable because you just magnify every single thing that's like not right in your own life. So sometimes getting your brain off of and your focus off of yourself and doing a service project or helping someone else says, oh, okay, my problems aren't the worst. It's not dismissive, but it also means, hey, I have something to give someone else. It just helps with perspective. It could be playing with a pet. That helps. You're not telling your child what to do. You're planting seeds and giving your child space to own it. Number four, I prefer just being present without being too intrusive. Sit with her. Listen. Be that reliable, trustworthy parent she draws strength from. There is a great power in just being that presence. I'll tell you as a father of a 33-year-old son, who's a grown man, there are times when I don't say anything. I listen, I reassure him, or we just drive or hike together silently. How do you help a child who struggles with perfectionism? This is a good one. Many of you will have missed this, because I covered this in an episode of the PDA Parent Podcast on perfectionism. So even if your child doesn't have PDA, you'll find the script I use really helpful. So go to celebratecalm.com/pda, and you'll find, I believe it's episode number nine on PDA and perfectionism, because it's a big deal and I think you'll find that really helpful. Number three, little kids constantly fighting. So a mom writes, I have boys ages two and five and a half. They constantly fight, that was in caps, from morning to night. It wears me out to my bones. And by the end of every day, I just want to sob. I imagine myself as a very different mother than I am. And I just really would love any support or tips. Man, you can hear that, can't you? And so my response to the mom was, you should feel overwhelmed by two little kids this age. Seriously, you should feel exhausted. There should be little gunk and messes on floors and counters. You'll likely say, no, stop 72 times a day. And those little kids are going to squeal and pummel each other and cry and laugh. And you'll be ready for bed before they are. That's normal. You're not doing anything wrong, mom. You're a great mom. Here's what you can do to alleviate some of this. Simplify your life. I don't care what ages your kids are. If you have a strong-willed child, simplify your life. They simply take longer right now. And I'd rather spend that time teaching them and showing them how to control themselves and handle sibling conflict than just reacting all the time. So look at your daily list of things that you have to do, and cut it in half. One day, you will be productive again. When your kids get older right now, your goal is simply to survive each day. And when you have all these extra things on your list and plate, you'll be stressed. And then you'll push your kid, guys, stop it, stop it out. Can you hear that tone? And your little ones will sense and feel that stress, and they will resist it. And I want you to let go of that notion. Well, if you just did everything right, and you were a better mom, your kids wouldn't fight. That's complete utter, you know what? It's just not true. Think intensity. Little kids need positive intensity. That's your main priority every day, to channel all that energy and intensity into more positive activities. That means getting their little brains focused on what they can do, rather than saying no all day. Give them lots of missions and jobs to do. Not chores, but missions, challenges. Before work, I'd leave Casey an envelope with a special mission in it. Some challenges he could do to help me. Wear them out as much as possible. Meet those sensory needs, because they're meeting those sensory needs by pounding on each other. And that's very normal. Have them push and pull and climb under and over things. Get them outside as much as possible. That way they get to make a mess outside rather than inside. Create an obstacle course. Play a lot. Giggle. Have fun with them. Even if you don't get other stuff done. Play with them a lot. It's all exhausting. But doing this proactively is less exhausting. Look, ask for help. Moms are terrible at that because you feel guilty for it or think like, oh, I should be able to handle all these things myself. No, you shouldn't. You need help. So ask friends, aunts and uncles for help. I need help because I need to take a drink here. And I'm not editing that because I'm practicing imperfection. So, sometime, lay on the floor, begin reading a book and giggling, and see if they'll come lie down next to you. Just be careful that they don't like jump on your back and head. These kids need tons of physical play and positive rough housing with dad. Even having dad spend one on one time will give the boys a break from each other, and it gives you a break. And so this awesome mom replied back, and you just made me cry. All this felt like a big exhale. Yes, their dad is around, but he's out of town right now, which doubles the intensity. So my response is, well, have a plan when dad isn't around. That's more time outside, more physical sensory activity. Cut your list by 80% and relax some of the expectations on yourself since you're doing this alone. Okay, child struggles with emotional regulation. I'm not doing that here. I've done tons of those episode 510 on Big Emotions, episode 479 on massive meltdowns and shame. What about a child who has trouble making friends or getting along with a teacher or who has a hard time hearing no? Maybe your kids need a new desk or a bed, or you've been wanting to upgrade your old worn pots and pans and kitchen appliances. But you know how you never get around to doing that? Or like us, you want to create comfortable outdoor spaces so you can enjoy more time in the sun. 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Hungryroot keeps it simple, delicious and healthy. Dinner tonight felt like a fun night out. Mrs. Calm loved the oven-roasted salmon while I devoured my beef short ribs with baby broccoli and polenta. And our nephew gobbled the chicken strips with rosemary potatoes. I put all of this together in less than 20 minutes with very little prep and clean up. You're going to love Hungryroot as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com/calm and use Code Calm to get 40% off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com/calm, Code Calm to get 40% off your first box. That's hungryroot.com/calm, Code Calm. Okay, this is a child with ADHD who struggles getting along with a particular teacher. That teacher seems to kind of push his buttons, and this child even tries to get in trouble to get out of class, which I find strategically brilliant. So no guarantee this will work, but it's practice for the 50 times in life this is going to happen again. I would just be honest and say, look, the normal response is to try to avoid it, to evade it, to not deal with it, to lie and manipulate to get out of class. I get that. But that takes a lot of energy and mental conniving and it never works. And here's what's really happening. You are giving power over your happiness, your thoughts and your moods to another human that you don't even like. See, sometimes this can be really motivating to autonomous kids like ours. So the challenge I would give to my son is, look, the more grown up option is to discover one thing you have in common with this teacher. Do you like the same music? A certain movie, certain athlete or sports team, video game, certain food? Because it's much harder to have conflict when you connect over a shared interest. And if you want to go to the next level, you could be the extra mature one, since the teacher apparently isn't leading this as the adult. And just to address this directly with the teacher, hey, we don't always mix well together, but we have three months left together, or by now, maybe like two months left together. Can we agree to an emotional ceasefire and just find one thing we have in common just to get through the rest of the year? See, that's a perfectly great option to have. That's very mature. I would challenge your son to not let other people have power over him and his emotions, and instead be the one who takes control of this situation, see our kids like that, and initiate a solution that doesn't involve just running away. And I was reminded of this because I just got an email from mom who said, hey, my kids are constantly argue and get upset. I made them listen to the Stop Sibling Fights program, so they could learn how to manage this on their own. By the way, I love that. It's like, hey, you guys are going to be siblings for like the next 10 or 12 or 14 years. So why don't you figure out how this is going to work? So my one son told me while driving to an appointment today with great seriousness, mom, I realize I have been giving my brother complete power over me and how I feel. Why am I even doing that? So I'm going to stop reacting to him from now on because I want to be in control of my own happiness and moods. And I was like, that is awesome. Like, you get a kid understanding that principle from an early age and being able to say, hey, I refuse to give power over my reactions to another situation or another human, that's awesome. Okay, kind of related. Hey, my son's having a hard time making friends. He's afraid to ask kids to play. He's slow to warm up to others. He's shy and he's usually the one observing other people. Now, that's a great observation by you. That your son is good at observing others. This is what many of us naturally shy people do. It's a way to gather intelligence, counter our own anxiety. And it fits with the idea of seeing patterns in how things work. So think about this. This is a child who can probably look at puzzle or Lego pieces and see how they fit together. And that's kind of how I'm going to approach teaching him social skills. About 90, I'd say 95% of the 1500 kids who came to our home for the camps back in the day struggled with social skills, especially with their peers. Always better with little kids, adults and animals. So we spent a lot of time teaching them how to form friendships. So here are a few ideas. The easiest way to build a friendship is based on common interests. Think about your own friends. It's usually a common interest that you have. Oftentimes it's, well, our kids play for the same team or in the same grade. And that's hence the advice to the kid in the prior example to find a common interest with the teacher. So your little observer can use those amazing powers to notice what logos kids have on their hoodies, backpacks and such. See, are they into Minecraft, soccer, favorite music group? And then have your child listen for clues for how to connect based on a common interest or passion. Teach him to ask questions because people like when you take an interest in them versus dominating a conversation. And your son will be a naturally be a really good listener. So let him know it's okay and even preferable to have fewer friendships but deeper friendships. And I'd aim right now just get him one good friend to begin with. And I know this will sound odd, but I would help script conversations with him and for him. It's like role playing. So you can role play how to initiate and how to carry on a conversation. And I think I went through this in this podcast. I'd encourage you to look it up. It's episode 501, 12 social skills ideas for kids who miss social skews, become possessive, they boss friends. One of the ideas is to actually script for like, okay, Monday when you go into school, okay, you ask what they did over the weekend. On Tuesday, we're going to ask about a favorite video game. On Wednesday, and you go through the days, and it becomes for people like me who struggle and have anxiety, or who in the moment kind of freeze up, and then I end up saying awkward things. Well, now they kind of have a formula. Like I know on Fridays, what am I gonna ask people? Hey, any big plans for the weekend? So plan that stuff. And I'd also mention this, a lot of you have adopted kids, and they'll become very possessive of friends and things. It's almost like they have an insatiable longing that can't be filled inside. So just as an aside, I did a couple special episodes last year on adoption, episodes 460 and 463, so check those out. Number six question, child withholds hugs and gets angry and calls his parents names. So, our son's very sweet until you tell him no. That's like I get a lot like, my husband is really great until things are out of his control. Right? Like that's, of course, I'm amazing until someone says something I don't like. Look, even if it's a long established rule in our home, our son gets upset, he'll lash out and call us names. At bedtime, when we are giving out hugs and kisses to our kids, that's beautiful, he will all of a sudden be a grump and say something like, no hugs or kisses, you didn't take me to the store to get Cheetos. Okay, first, I love his persistence. He is just an intense, immature little guy and that's normal. I think he's also very bright. He knows how to read you guys. He's always looking for an angle to get what he wants. Right now, he's trying that whole withholding affection thing. It's like the toddler that says, I hate you, mommy. They're just going for the jugular to get what they want, which means you have a bright, intense, strategic child, so we can use that to our advantage. I had written out an answer to this question last night, but then I got a good night's sleep. And so, I'm gonna tell you more bluntly what I do. You're going to naturally feel on the defensive with a child like this because they are persistent and relentless and they see no real downside to that because it usually works for them and there's no consequences that really work. So I'd rather be proactive and go on the offensive here. So this is a child who craves and needs intense missions and intense emotional engagement. Do not give in and buy him Cheetos and whatever he wants. Do not just hope that he'll listen to your many lectures and you pleading with him. He's not. Do not give consequences and get an endless power struggles with this child because that's what's been happening and will happen for 18 years if you don't change your approach. So spend some time proactively making a long list of adult type jobs and challenges and missions this child can do around the house and for neighbors because these are kids who are often thrive in the adult world and with others. So use that to your advantage. Brainstorm a list with your spouse and grandparents and friends. Do it proactively. When you wake this child up in the morning, wake him up to a yes. Find ways to get to yes with some intensity, but within your boundaries. So let's say your child demands to be able to watch a certain video when they wake up. So my answer is, oh yeah, we can do that. And I'll actually give you more than that with this challenge. If you can get dressed, eat and brush your teeth before 7 o 7 a.m., we will have extra time to watch that video and one more. Now, I'm not guaranteeing this will work every time or at first. Child may whine and complain, just stay first. Hey, I gave you a yes, but it's completely up to you and I believe you're capable. Some kids may up the game and negotiate more. Hey, if I get ready by 7 a.m., can I watch three videos? I like getting to yes. I like putting boundaries on it, and I like getting that intense brain focused on completing a mission, dress, eat, teeth, that leads to something that they care about. I also get to affirm them afterwards. Hey, nice job getting ready so quickly. And here's some other language you can use. Hey, I know that once X and Y are done, you doing Z is an option. See, that's a little bit more passive in a way, but it lets them know, hey, if these things get done, I bet this would be an option for us. At the same time, you can and should say no. Cheetos is not an option no matter how many times you ask. It's just a waste of your time. But here is what is an option. If you want to make our own snacks with fun ingredients, you can be the chef. And we can even give some to Mrs. Johnson down the street. We can sell some at a bake sale. We can take them into your teacher, your choice. But I really want Cheetos. Yeah, nice try. Not working. There were times when we used the opposites rule. Hey, every time you demand something from me, you get the exact opposite of what you wanted. It will be an extra day or week before we get that new hockey stick that you keep asking me about, Casey. So if you know that every day when your child gets home from school, they are going to demand something that you'll naturally say no to, plan ahead. When they get home, there's an envelope waiting with a special secret mission, whether it's shoveling mulch for dad or doing a treasure hunt in the obstacle course. Focus more on what this intense child can do. Make these missions a challenge and fun. You're proactively creating successes. You're feeding that brain in positive ways. And then you give positive intensity when they complete their missions. I would look for more grown up activities for them to complete because those are more internally satisfying than Cheetos and even video games. Things like earning money to do adult jobs for you like cooking dinner. Look, if they cook dinner for you one night a week, then you pay them or you give them a tip. Taking care of their own laundry, landscaping, changing the oil in the car. I have lots of kids who do that. Being the barista every morning, making coffee, starting their own business in the neighborhood, doing service projects, volunteering at an animal shelter. All those things are stimulating. I would honestly let them listen to the Strong Will Child and Straight Talk for Kids program in the Calm Parenting Bundle because that gives them ownership of their choices within your boundaries. So, proud of you moms and dads. Keep making these changes. If we can help you reach out to KCCASEY at celebratecalm.com. We will help you with this. Get your kids, let your kids listen to these episodes and say, what do you want to do from now on? Now that you understand how your brain works, that's why I love them listening to the programs because it's like, hey, you listen to this, this is your life. It's really cool and I'm so proud of you all. Okay, love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye bye.