transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Speaker 2:
[00:06] Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at this same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahan. If you could see me now, I'm dressed like such a cute lesbian, it's unbelievable. I have on a cool kind of mauvey, light pink, striped button down golf shirt from JW. Anderson and the Uniqlo collab that I bought in Japan. I have on a pair of frame straight denim, can't see on YouTube, because my hips are too tight for me to pull my leg up. And I'm wearing a very cute pair of reflective kind of patent leather Nike Air Maxes. And I've got my fancy watch that I bought on, and I was walking out of the house and I put on my cool kind of pewter light blue barber jacket that I also bought in Japan. And my mom looked at me and was like, you look like your surgeon for pussy. And I said, I do. So I'm just, I just want you to know if you can visualize it, I am truly like cool, calm, collected lesbian today. And I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. And I always thought that if I started to date women at any point in my later, later life, I would definitely be super femme, cause that is me. But I gotta be honest with you, I am so relaxed. And I was driving, listening to Jamiroquai on the way to the office today. And I have my watch like, you know, I kind of get a reflection of myself. Now mind you, I have a full drag beat. Lashes, full gloss, highlighter, bronze or contour, and a beautiful soft blowout. And I got a little glimpse of myself in this men's shirt that I bought in Japan, because that's the only size that would fit. And I was just like, okay, ladies, stop. Don't all call me at once. I get it. She's cute. So just want to let you know, if you see me on the mean streets of Atlanta in my outfit today, holler at your girl. I also have a diamond chain on. I'm giving mask for mask vibes, but still cute. So feeling it. I just need one lesbian at this co-working office space to give me like a, what's up, what's up, stud. Meanwhile, I have giant hoops on and 14 rings, but either way, either way, I'm feeling myself. It's very comfortable. I get why you gals wear these like polos all the time. Very comfortable. I'm very happy right now. My feet did go numb in my Nikes because they're brand new and they really don't fit my foot. Nike, I try. I have so many. And each time I get the same shoe thinking this is going to be the one that somehow got stretched out in the factory. Somehow a large chubby child who was probably making this shoe, against their will, somewhere, was like, I just want to put these on to see if they fit. And they were like, wow, these are tight. At least you're going to a good home where they'll fit. Another fat woman. I'm on one today. I had a shot of espresso. I'm feeling zesty. I'm feeling zesty. Speaking of zesty, I was with my friends' kids last night. We were having some nice Persian food, having a great time. And we were going through this girl's yearbook, and she's showing me like, you know, she's just showing me the cuties in the gray, and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, obviously, I'm getting the tea. I'm getting the, I'm getting like the fourth grade gossip. And there was a kid in the yearbook named Ziggy, and Jeff immediately clocked Ziggy. He goes, Ziggy looks like a badass. And she's like, yeah, he's real zippy and zesty. And Jeff just really clung to that name. He was like, what do you mean he's zesty? He's like, he doesn't shut up. He's so much fun, but everybody loves him. I'm like, dude, Ziggy is going in the baby name bank. I am not pregnant. I am not with child. My surrogate is not with child. No one is with child or has, no one is giving birth, okay? So don't panic. But I was very surprised that Jeff connected to that name. He's like, Ziggy Daniels, he sounds like a badass. Or I'm like, he is, you know, has one good arm. And I can't, Heather, stop. These are dark inside jokes. You can't say this out loud. I just don't, like, he's either cool or he's not. That's all I will say. You know what I mean? You get what I'm saying. But Ziggy, I'm kind of feeling. Ziggy Zesty, I don't know why Jeff connected to that. You know, he wants to name our future child like Lake Como. I'm like, it's not happening. And we have too many friends and family members who named their daughter Sienna, so that's out. But Jeff is like, you know, I really want to name my daughter Lake Como. I'm like, it's okay. Shut up. So anywho, but he was, he was, Ziggy was just cool. So if you are a cool millennial who named your child Ziggy, I want you to know, I hope that their child is also cool. I really do. I don't know why I'm even telling you this, but I am. I have really been on one this past week. First of all, let's backtrack. Had the time of my fricking life at the Ryman Theater in Nashville. Thank you to the wonderful people of Tennessee who always show up and show out for me. Damn it if that isn't the most angelic, amazing, idyllic venue ever. And I know that, you know, it's such a piece of history. It's one of the most historical places you can play in the theater world, and I'm so honored that they've had me back. But I know that as a concert goer, as a patron of the arts, your ass is numb on that seat. The amount of people that I could see wiggling, kind of crossing their leg, their right leg over their left, doing a figure four, doing a little nerve flossing, stretching out during that show, I felt you. I felt you. I tried to condense. I knew I wanted to give you a high and tight show because I knew that your asses were numb in those pew seats, but it is such a magical place. And then we had a huge party at the John Bon Jovi JBJ bar afterwards right on Broadway to kind of launch the cruise, and anybody who had gone on the cruise, we said, y'all come down, we'll make shots for you. And so I was behind the sticks. And Raymond always makes fun of me for being back, as I call it, behind the sticks, but in bartender language, if you've ever been a mixologist, it means that you're behind the bar. Okay, you're behind the sticks, the sticks of the bottles. It's just what we say. I don't know where it originated from, but I was behind the sticks. Oh, it's probably the pub sticks, when you're pulling beers. Anyways, I was making lemon drop shots for my girls, like it was nothing. And the bartender rolled, he leaned over to me, he goes, looks like you've done this before. And I legit flexed on him so hard. I was like, let me tell you something, Patrick, I sure have. I sure have. And I forgot, I had that shaker, ba ba ba, two in two shakers. And then I'm knocking them together, popping them, pouring them out. He's like, do you need a strainer? I'm like, nah, Patrick, I got it. Just really got another, talk about zesty. I was feeling zesty behind the bar. And I was remembering all my years of bartending and how good at it I was, how personable I was. I was the only person at any restaurant that I had ever worked at that actually knew what was on the food menu. So I could sell you a deconstructed Caesar salad and the Asabuco, like it was my job, because it was my job. And I was oftentimes the only female bartender at these high-end restaurants. And none of the men could ever talk about the food. And I was like, do you know what goes great with selling somebody 17 Belvedere dirty martinis? A Tomahawk steak for $200 a pop. Learn the menu. Learn the menu. Thank you so much, everybody, who came out to that show. We had so much fun. And we had quite a surprise at the Nashville show. And these gentlemen will be on the cruise, which I'm very pumped about. But we had some cowboy, their ranch hand, Cowboy Burlesque, Cowboy Burlesque dancers from Nashville. And they helped me open the show. Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Let me tell you something right now. Save a horse, ride a Dirk Spentley. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it was a good time. And the Nashville audiences are just always such a fucking blast. So thank you guys for letting me live out my fantasy, my dream, have hunky shirtless men with nothing but body glitter and a leather vest on on stage. And then we, I got to get back behind the sticks afterwards. We had a nice little after party. But see, I hope that some of y'all also do get a little bit of a taste of what it's like to work as your gal. You know, here I am, I'm dancing on stage, then I'm doing the comedy, then I'm going and hosting an after party. You think I sat down and kicked my feet up at any point of the night? I did not. I was working, I was twerking. I may have had a comfort sneaker on at that point. No, I had a boot on, I had another boot on. My night doesn't stop. We do the show, we do a full meet and greet, then I go to the bar, I'm doing another meet and greet. I'm making lemon drop shots for everybody. And I finally around, like midnight, was able to sneak away and we went to a bar across the street called Roberta's? Roberts. Roberts or Roberta's? Everybody in Nashville is gonna be mad at me that I, I think it's Roberts. And we had like a fried bologna sandwich and a Mick Ultra, and that's when I could finally kick my feet up. And then the guy in the bar came out of the bathroom, dropped. I'm talking dropped. Security immediately ran over, got him. He was a fairly larger dude. And one of the servers came over and she goes, just watch your drinks. Weird things have been happening in Nashville. So this is a safety PSA to everybody. Watch your drinks. Watch out for your girls. I don't know what's happening, but it was a little bit frightening. I mean, of course they took care of it and I hope hopefully that guy's okay. But Andrew was eating a fried bologna sandwich. I was eating chicken tenders with a bunch of our friends, just finally getting to sit down for the night and kick my feet up and really take in what an incredible evening it was. And then I was on security duty. I was like, you know, so after my beer, I'm like, I want a diet coke in the can. I was walking everybody to their Ubers. I got hypervigilant. And maybe that is why I am in my mask lesbian stud era right now, because I definitely felt like I had to protect my chickens. And that is important. That is important to protect your chickens when you're out. So maybe that's why I'm on high alert and I'm wearing a men's shirt, but it is what it is, y'all. So just so you know, in my next life, my next marriage, when it is to a woman, I will be protective. I will be very, I may, I'm not, I don't even, I wasn't even a tomboy growing up. I did not have that phase. It's been girly girly girl, but wearing this shirt and just kind of like leaning in to the broadness of my body is kind of fun. I did take my sneakers off because my feet are numb, because the Nikes are too narrow, but I'm just go, I'm leaning in. You got to have 45 different pairs of Air Maxes and Air Force Ones if you're going to be a stud, just lean the fuck in. But again, if you're out and about, make sure you, you know, always keeping an eye on your friends and protecting yourself and being smart. But anywho, speaking of protecting yourself and being smart, I am fucked up right now. I am fucked up beyond belief because I watched two of the most disturbing documentaries this weekend. And let me pull up the references so you too can sit your teenage children down and make them watch this. No, actually don't. It may be too traumatizing. Is it The False Prophet? False Prophet doc on Netflix. Okay. There is this Netflix documentary. It's called Trust Me, The False Prophet. It's a four part Netflix true crime docu series chronicling the rise of Samuel Bateman, a self-proclaimed prophet and successor to Warren Jeffs in a splinter FLDS polygamous group. So it features undercover footage from cult expert Christine Marie and Tolga Katas as they expose Bateman's abusive manipulative practices and control over women and children. This is all you need to know. So I watched and I forget what the other documentary. Oh, okay. So the director also directed Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey, which came out a couple of years ago, which was about this other fucker, Warren Jeffs. And now I guess Samuel Bateman was his right hand man, the next guy in line apparently. So anywho, this guy has like 22 wives and half of them were underage. So this woman, Christine and her husband moved to this town and they essentially start doing a documentary and they befriend these, this family that's in the FLDS polygamist group. And she starts doing a documentary on it and then realizes how many of these wives are underage and then starts working with the feds to be like, hey, we got to get them. Like this is insane. And it gets very dark, gets very dark. So I watched that on Saturday night alone, because Jeff is on a trip with some of his buddies. And then I watched Elizabeth Smart, kidnapped Elizabeth Smart about the poor girl out in Utah who went missing for about nine months. And I'm watching that one and I got fucked up. And I never ever want to ostracize a specific sect of a religion or anything, but everybody was, you know, FLDS or Mormon adjacent. And not that it was any of these victims' fault. So I just want to clear that. But I'm like, what the hell is in the water out in Utah? What is going on? And on my flight to Nashville, I had an Amish guy on my flight. And I kind of like was like blink twice. If you are on Rum Springer and you want to split a vodka soda with me, you know? And I'm not trying to get people to do the devil's work. I was just, there was an Amish guy sitting three rows behind me and I wanted to chit chat and ask some follow up questions. Okay, that's what it is. And then I'm watching these two documentaries. I mean, Elizabeth Smart, she gets kidnapped by this guy who claims his name's Emanuel and he's a religious zealot. He thinks he's a prophet from God. And then these girls in this FLDS polygamous group are also under the control of this self-proclaimed prophet named Samuel Bateman. He also says that God has told him to have all these wives. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I'm just letting you know, I'm on high alert. My safety radar is up. I'm keeping an eye out for all my chickens. And while I may be dressed like a mass stud right now, I need you to know that the safety drills amongst all of my friends are gonna be happening. I may be pulling up in parking lots, putting a bag over one of my friends Mary Beth's head just to test her willpower and see if she knows what to do in one of these situations. Cause I have watched too much fucked up TV this weekend. And the Elizabeth Smart situation is so unbelievably like intense and it's also beautiful to see how these people have gone through the trauma and recovered and gone on to live beautiful lives. But it is really fucking wild. What all these creepy dudes were doing in both documentaries in the name of them being prophets. And I'll tell you something right now, my Lord and Savior, the one thing he said to look out for is a false prophet. That's all I'm saying. But damn, and Jeff and I were watching this Elizabeth Smart documentary together and just my heart was breaking for her and it's also like thrilling and wild and you're like, what the fuck? And of course the little sister told the cops who she thought it was. She remembered the name one day and they're like, we don't trust her, she's eight. And I'm like, listen to the girls. The girls know. The girls know. Trust women. And I'm thinking in my mind, I don't give a shit. I wouldn't give a shit if my daughter said, I thought it was Mickey Mouse who stole, who kidnapped her sister. I would say, get in the van, we're going to Disney to confront some people. You know what I'm saying? That's where I would be. And I told Jeff, I said, when we have kids, by the time we have kids, if they are not microchipped like my French Bulldogs, we're not doing it right. There will be a air tag in the back of the skull. They won't know about it, but I will slip it in through the ear with the little Kerrygold butter and they're like, God, do I have swimmers ear? No bitch, you've been chipped and your mama did it. I mean, unbelievable. So after kind of seeing, keeping an eye on everyone's drinks at this one place in Nashville, which I've never ever once worried once ever in Nashville. But after a server at this other place said, hey, just want to give you a heads up, you never know. She's like, we have a lot of tourists right now and some people may not have good intentions, so just keep an eye on. I was like, I'm on it. I was literally eating cheese curds being like, I got it. Everybody, I got it. Jumped into protection mode. But I'm going to tell you right now, if I so much as see a woman who I think might be a part of a insanely conservative religious group, I don't care if she's Pentecostal, Southern Baptist, hard Methodist, you can be hard Methodist, you can. FLDS, doesn't matter. If I see a woman in a long denim jumper and a long fishtail braid with anybody, I don't care if it's her brother, her son, a father figure or a husband, I will roll down the window and say, get in the Audi bitch, let me save you. And I know there are plenty of people who are living happy lives in that, but I was just shook to my core about all the things that I saw. So if you wanna sit down, pop some popcorn and just really fuck yourself up, watch either of those. But if I so much as think that you are, even if you look like you're having a great time, but you look FLDS adjacent, I'm pulling over the car and being like, we're going to Costco, blink twice if you're good. I mean, it truly, there's a lot of people out there doing the Lord's work, trying to help trafficking victims and all that. So I'm not making light of that, I feel like it triggered something in me to now be that psycho. You know, when you get nervous, if you see something, say something, but then you never want to be a Karen, and you know, I technically invented that coin, that term. So that's what's tough. You never want to be a Karen, but as women, we have that intuition, like if you see something, say something truly, but you're like, well, if I see something, is then she going to report me for being a fucking creepy bitch? But now I'm in like the Bucky's parking lot, just eating fudge, being like, do those two look like they actually like each other? Is she being held against her will? Like I'm starting to get cuckoo. I may be only wearing men's polos for the foreseeable future and very tight, too narrow Nike Air Maxes and just approaching young women being like, are you safe? And it's just a woman in a cute dress from Reformation. She's like, yeah, I'm getting into my car by myself. This is my Mercedes. Why are you grabbing me? And why do you have a taser in your hand? Are you trying to kidnap me? Like, let me know if you're safe. She's like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm literally going into Ulta right now. I ran out of foundation. What is, why ma'am, why are you grabbing me? Is your name Heather? I feel like I've seen one of your dumb videos online. Like, I can save you. She's like, I'm fine. It's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm going into Ulta. I'm like, are you sure about that? Did somebody send you to Ulta? Oh, you need a refill of your foundation? Or are you just trying to cover up the bruises from the man? She's like, I've literally been single for some time now because my boyfriend was just boring. He was fine. I just didn't see a future with him. And you're grabbing my arm. And also, why do you have square nails? Gross. And I've got like a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. And I'm dressed like a detective. Like, I don't know how to up the ante on this outfit. You know, I have a lot of like master's golf caps that I could just be wearing, like, are you good? I hope you're good. Blink twice if you need me to save you. She's like, what is all over your mouth? You got something on your chin. I'm like, what? Oh yeah, that's a, I stopped by Great American Cookie Company. I needed to get my blood sugar right before I came to rescue a bunch of women outside of Ulta. And it's just me with like smeared blue icing because I got a 4th of July cookie cake and I've just been stress eating it in my car with binoculars on and a fedora. And I'm actually now the creep. I'm just parked in different outdoor shopping centers looking for women who may need my help, but then I just aggressively end up attacking them. Do you know what I mean? Where they're like, is that a taze, are you going to taze me? I'm like, no, not at all. I'm gonna taze whoever's lurking behind your trunk. Open the trunk. She's like, I'm calling the police on you right now. I am calling the police. Please also ma'am, please do not put your fingers on my car. My Mercedes, I just got it detailed. There is so much great American cookie company icing on your face. It's getting weird. Why is it, why are your fingers so sticky? Why are you gripping me? I'm like, I just need to make sure you're safe. Dude, I would have been the best mall cop. That's the thing. I really would have. Second, career. Long work weeks and busy weekends can leave you feeling and looking depleted. Hello, hi, it's your girl. It's me, Heather. Well, Prolon's five-day fasting-mimicking diet works at a cellular level to reset and rejuvenate you from the inside out, supporting sustained fat loss, lean muscle, metabolism, slower aging, and even glowing skin. Prolon is a plant-based nutrition program featuring soups, snacks, and beverages designed to nourish the body while keeping it in a fasted state, while triggering cellular rejuvenation and renewal. And this is the cool part. 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Being a renter and now owning a home is better with BILT. I love BILT and you will love it too. Join the membership for where you live at joinbilt.com/absolutely. That's joinbilt.com/absolutely. Make sure to use our URLs so they know that we sent you. Please tell them that our show sent you. But again, that's joinbilt.com/absolutely. joinbilt.com/absolutely. Anyways, okay, I don't even know what I'm having a conversation about. But you need to watch The False Prophet. I mean, it'll fuck you up. But this is just the reminder, okay? We're here to remind everyone, do a little safety training. Just watch a couple self-defense videos online this weekend. Just know how to do an uppercut. If for any reason you have to go to Target late at night and you just want to keep an eye on yourself and your surroundings, you know? And remember, one thing my father always taught me, never have them take you to the second location. You're not going to make it. So if somebody approaches you in a parking lot, and first of all, if they have a knife, you're good, okay? Also, I don't know if I need to do some sort of like disclaimer in Cosmic Sans Am bubble font across this video. Please do not take actual safety advice from Heather McMahan. She is a D-list comedian who has never really ever been kidnapped because she is too heavy to put in the back of a van. No, but what I'm saying is knife, that's the thing, a lot of people get taken by knives. I'm not really worried about it, okay? I have sliced my leg open with a Mach 3 Gillette razor before. Gun, different conversation. But if somebody pops out of a van, they got a knife and they get in, just so you know, my dad always said, say, well, you better stab me right here, partner, because I ain't getting in that van. You better go ahead and just skewer me. Like a shish kebab, because I ain't getting in the van. And my dad would make me do these drills a lot, and then no one ever approached. So I'm glad that I have it. Again, it's like insurance. You only need it when you don't have it. And then when you have it, they never pay you out. But you get what I'm saying. But if this is just a gentle reminder for any of the moms and dads who listen to me, have a reminder conversation with your kids this weekend, especially with their teens. Stranger danger, look out for each other, never take a drink from someone you don't know, et cetera, et cetera. And if you need to play this unhinged version of the podcast for them, I'm happy to scare them straight. Another thing I think I would have been great at is some sort of juvenile detention situation, scared straight program. Going in and doing role plays with kids. Scaring the fuck out of them. Yeah. Yeah. I keep waiting. I mean, my friends haven't, they don't have teens yet. We're not there yet, but I keep waiting for some, one of my girlfriends to call me and be like, I think, you know, I think little Trevor may be smoking cigarettes. And I'm like, I'm on it. I was, and then I put out my cigarette. I was waiting for you to call me. And then I just look at Jeff and I'm like, tip my fedora to him because now we're both dressed. Now we match. Now we're both studs, you know? And I'm like, babe, we got the call. Trevor's smoking. Let's do this. And then Jeff just opens his lip, puts a giant mint-flavored zin in there. We get in the Tahoe. We have matching watches on and polos, and we drive to a high school party, and we just scare the fuck out of some kids. Because by then there'll be some sort of like face-off technology, which I'm pretty sure they already have it. Like we have really like high-end face masks that look like maybe their parents' faces. I don't know. I never want to embarrass the kids. I just want to scare them so they don't make mistakes. And I think one of the reasons why I am so far up, I will be so far up my friends' kids' asses, is my mom was up my ass. We had our own phone line in our house because my dad was into tech very early on. And remember when you got on the internet back in the day, you couldn't be in AOL chat rooms without occupying the phone line. So my dad eventually got my sister on my own phone and my mom would listen to all of our conversations. And I knew when she'd click on it, she'd listen to me talking to like three boyfriends and I'd be like, so what am I wearing? And they're like, you're absolutely wearing a floor length t-shirt that has the Spice Girls on it. And I'm like, bingo, you're right. You're right, Johnny, you are right. But either way, and maybe if you're a listener now and your kids don't know who I am and you've got a wayward teen that you think might be snuck a couple of white claws out of the Yeti for the graduation party, you call me. I will be sitting by the moonlight in my new house, bored out of my mind. You send me the back signal. In fact, I'm getting a fucking beeper to start doing these safety drills. I'm going old school. I'm gonna get a burner and a beeper. And when that thing goes, and I click the beeper, and you just send me the code. The code number is gonna be 5771. And I'm gonna go, great. And I'll just know. I don't know how technology will work, but I will know. Once I see that code, it means, you know, we got a smoker or whatever. I'd actually rather the kids smoke cigarettes. Whatever they're doing to get in trouble, you bet your ass Jeff and I will be in the bushes and we'll scare the fuck out of them so they never do it again. I think I get so excited about being needed and wanted in the lives of my friends and quality time, you know, is my love language. So for me to, this technically would be an act of service and a gift, but the thought of any of my friends calling me and being like, okay, guess what? These little shits are doing exactly what we did. I used to sneak out of the house. We have bay windows in our basement and I would lift the window up and put duct tape where the sensors were, right? Because we had the alarm system that if you slammed a window, slammed a door, and the alarm was on, the alarm would go off. So during the day, we would pop those windows open, but duct tape at the bottom of the sensor and then leave like just, I mean, a half of a half of a half of a centimeter. So you couldn't even feel a cool breeze, but when I needed to pop that bad boy open to sneak out, I could. So my parents would set the alarm beep, beep, beep. Then about an hour later, I would slowly, it would be Anne-Marie, Marybeth, Katie and I, light as a feather, stiff as a board and we would slowly push that window up, crawl out and one of our delinquent friends would be parked at the end of the cul-de-sac and we would get in, and this is before ring cameras, you know what I'm saying? We would get in, slide out, party our little asses off and then slide back in. I would be in my school uniform by 7.30 with a hangover, smelling like the Waffle House, ready to do it again baby. And my parents had no idea, no idea. Because see, that's when in high school, my dad realized he had sleep apnea. So once he got that CPAP machine, he was getting full REM. Had he not gotten the CPAP in high school, I think I couldn't have gotten, I wouldn't have been able to get away with anything. But because my dad was fully in REM, I was sneaking out. I was. Did I ever tell you all the story about the one time I came home at like 6.30 in the morning from a party, and it was a Saturday morning. So I was allowed to be out the night before, but my parents definitely thought I had come home. And I'm in my outfit from the night before, and I see cop cars in front of my house. And I panic. I'm like, oh my God, they've been looking for me. I mean, nobody called my phone. Like they've been looking for me. And I slowly slide through the garage because I see that the cops are in my backyard. And I walk in and act like I just threw on clothes. I'm like, mom, what are the cops doing here? I just woke up like, oh my God, I'm so tired. I heard some commotion in the backyard. My mom was like, can you believe this? There's a rabbit fox in the backyard. It was in our neighbor's yard, but they're too much of a pussy to do anything about it. So now the rabbit fox is an eye yard and I go outside and I shit you not. Hand to God. There's four cops. My dad has a cigarette in his mouth. There's a mangled rabbit fox. I'm talking like he either got run over by a car, he's frothing at the mouth. The poor animal needed to be put out. There's nothing you can do. Okay. And my dad grew up in Texas on a farm. All right. He had beloved horses and animals. I got the animal lover from my dad. And I'll never forget, my dad goes, Hey baby, how'd you sleep? Guess what? Can you believe this thing? This thing was terrorizing the neighborhood. He's got rabies. You gotta look away. I gotta put it down. And I was like, why are you doing it? And he's like, cause the police officers can't let off. Oh my God. I'm telling you guys. He's like, police officers can't let off their weapon in a residential neighborhood. Look away and close your ears. And then next thing you know, my dad with his cigarette just goes pop pop. Kills the fucking fox that was rabid and mangy and had been, it needed to go with God, okay? And then like, you know, the officers are like, thanks Kyle, you know? I'm just like, what is happening? What is happening? I just wanted to go out and have about 17 Coors lights in the back of some, you know, 16 year olds car and smoke cigarettes with my friends by the creek. And I come home to this bullshit. He was fresh though and zesty. He was a Ziggy cause he what? Had a CPAP machine. What am I even talking about? I just love going on these absolutely existential, makes no sense, future timelines for myself. But if you do need me to come and do any sort of safety drills, protection, prank, you know, scared straight, I'm happy to do that if that means that we keep the kids safe in the know and educated. I'm happy to. And you know, the wildest thing about both documentaries, and obviously they, I would say the most eye opening thing about both documentaries, is all the girls say like they were never educated on the birds and the bees at any point. And I was never educated at my high school about the birds and the bees. Now obviously we figured it out. But that was the other thing. And so I was on this great trip with my three best girlfriends from high school, down in the Turks and Caicos. I had to go do a photo shoot. And so I brought them along and we had the best time ever. But we were talking about how like, we never really had a health class because we went to an intense Church of Christ private school. And I would have to come home and explain the things that I was taught in my Bible class to my parents and my dad. I'll never forget. He goes, what the fuck are they teaching you at that school? He's like, and I'll never forget, and this may not be digestible for some people, but my dad was actually really the one who gave me like the, now you're in high school, this is what sex is talk. Like my mom obviously explained how it worked. But my dad was the one, he was driving me to prom. I was going to prom with another school and he was driving me and he goes, listen, all the girls at your high school are gonna end up being whores because they don't have any sort of education or self-respect or they even know what it is. He said, sex is not a bad thing. It's a good thing as long as it's consensual. You protect yourself and you always make sure that you're comfortable and it's something that you wanna do. And I was like, dad, are you telling me to have sex at prom right now? He goes, no, I just don't know what the fuck they're teaching you at that school. And I don't even know if you know what a penis is. I was like, I know what a penis is. He's like, okay, cool. Don't, I'll pick you up at midnight. You know one of those. So either way, it's also, you need me to come over and have the conversation and be like, this is what you up? I'm happy to do that. I don't want to do that. God, this is the last thing I need. I don't need to wear like a fedora and smoke cigarettes and have a beeper. And then I'm like, feel like Aunt Cheechie's coming over to tell you guys what happens if you have too many white clothes and you don't have your wits about you. Like, God, what am I talking about? Stop it. Oh my God. All right, I'm on one. Other things that have happened, had the best time in the Turks and Caicos, got to see my dear friend Jimmy. This is maybe why I've been in a safety spiral. We sat around, and this is not an original idea, so I cannot take credit for this, but we sat around at dinner one night with Jimmy, his sister Mo is in town, and then all my girlfriends that I brought down to the Turks. And we were like, okay, let's have a conspiracy theory dinner. So we're drinking our martinis, and everybody has presented conspiracy theory. My buddy, Jimmy, he owns, he's fabulous. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever met. He owns this cool merch company called OK Kos, down in the Turks and Kos, so if you ever go down there, you have to check out his stuff. He makes all my hats that say Turks, and like cool polos, and he's just the coolest guy ever. So we're going around, and I mean, we're really peeling back the layers of conspiracy. And Jimmy's like, okay, guys, I got my conspiracy theory. And we're like, all right, we're ready, Jeff. Sorry, Jimmy, we're ready. And he's like, I think? And we're like, oh yeah, you think what? He's like, I think the royal family may have killed Princess Diana. He pauses. There's only women sitting at this table. The feeling, the tangible thickness in the air of anger, disappointment, resentment that I could feel that every woman was feeling at this table. Like we all all of a sudden kind of cranked our necks, looked down the edge of the table and I just go, that's all you have? Are you fucking kidding me? I was like, Jimmy, we've been knowing this. I said, when I gripped my Princess Diana beanie baby bear, the day she died, you don't think? No, actually, I got the beanie baby after she died. I'm like, you don't think I collected that? And saying Elton John's a candle in the wind and knew in that moment that it was an inside job. Are you fucking kidding me? My friend Katie's like, you lied to us? 19 times your prostitution whore? Flips the table like Teresa Judiche. Annie's crying, Mo's beating Jimmy. We're like, what is wrong with you? Of course we knew it was an inside job. And he's just like getting beat up by all these women. He's like, I'm sorry, that's all I brought to the table. We're like, fuck you. This is why men can't rule the world because that's where you're, that's your baseline. No shit, Jimmy, everybody knew that. I gotta quit getting so aggressive. We were fired up. Jimmy texted me the other day. He was like, remember when I gave you a conspiracy theory and you go, you guys are all pissed? I'm like, yeah, we'll never forget. Anywho, okay, I don't know, what the fuck am I talking about? Let's get to some happy things. Went to the Masters, had such a wonderful time. Feel so blessed I got to see my dear friend Jill and her wonderful family. Shout out to Bruiser and Rose. I love her parents. You know when you meet somebody and they just have the coolest parents and you love their parents? And I just think like I would have, if I would have been in high school with my friend Jill, if I would have been in high school with her, I would have been hanging out with her parents the entire time at parties. And everyone been like, where'd Heather go? And I would have been like, I'm hanging out with Bruiser. It's one of those things, she's got the coolest parents and the most wonderful friends. And it felt so great to be back and support our friends. We got our feet wet back in the game of golf, and it felt good to also be at a tournament, seeing people that I think are fantastic, go out there and hit some balls and make some money, baby. Rory won, again, congratulations. And that is fantastic. The taping of my next special, so very pumped about that. If you are wanting to see this hour before it is out on a major streamer, you can still get tickets at heatherontour.com. I will be hitting, where am I going this week? Oh, I'm going to Long Island, Patchhog. I'm gonna see you this Thursday. And then I will be in Boston, Massachusetts. After that, the following week, my two of my favorite places, I'm going to Philly and Pittsburgh. Then I will be at Netflix as a Joke Comedy Festival. I am gonna be doing a totally avant-garde, wild, let it rip, off the top show on the 7th of May out in Los Angeles. And then I will be shooting my special in Knoxville at the Bijou Theater. And I cannot wait. We've just been having so much fun on the road. I feel so blessed to get to travel with my friends. Tina's been doing such a fantastic job producing and running the show. My buddy Andrew has been so much fun to travel with, and I love and adore him. Ray, as always, so much fun. We've just been having a great crew. And Jen Zabrowski, of course, is directing my new special. And she and I have been wheeling and dealing on our scripted show also. So I just feel like a lot of things are moving in the right direction, and I'm having so much fun. And I want to say thank you to everybody who gave me feedback after the Nashville show. And you said, this is your favorite show you've ever been to. It's the best one yet. And I want you to know that every year I want to get better and better and just give you guys an incredible show. So thank you guys for coming out and enjoying it and laughing. And also for those of y'all who listen to this podcast, I mean, I just talked for 35 minutes about how I'm going to retire as a Atlanta city sheriff, solve cases and do scared straight programs and buy a beeper. What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, at some point, somebody's just got to go, go to sleep. You know, and I want you to know, I will be taking the hardest nap the first week of June. It is like club, bus, another club, keep going, keep going. We're wrapping up the tour. I'm all over. I haven't had a day off in quite some time, and I feel blessed to be able to say that, but we are really burning the candle at both ends. And I know when I say, good night Knoxville for that night two of taping my special, I will walk off stage and I will ice the bunions and have a cold one. And I'm not drinking right now in preparation for the special. I want to be really clear headed and just ready to go. And I will literally be like, give me a, give mama what she needs. At that point, it'll be like a bottle of Jim Beam and a cold diet Coke. That's where I'll be. Ooh, I've been so bad. I bought a bunch of Coke zeros and I can see them sitting in the office. They're not cold, but I know if I go out there and crack one open over, I used to, you know what? No, I know, no, I'm not gonna do it Heather. Shut the fuck up, drink your water. So anywho, but I appreciate you guys always supporting me and I'm just having fun. And I can tell you guys are having so much fun at the shows. So let's do this, let's film another special and really not get out of the park because that's what we're gonna do. I've lost it. But anyways, shout out to Jill and Justin. Thank you guys for having us at the Masters. Love you, mean it. Shout out to all the people that I saw out at Augusta. It was a really great time. If you wanna make your life easier, then you need to sign up for Thrive Market. What is Thrive Market? It is a membership based online grocery. 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Speaker 3:
[51:06] Hey, Heather, I have a quick question slash need your thought on this. So I have a coworker. He's really sweet. He's, you know, really nice to me. He's kind. And let me preface by saying I'm single, right? Like severely single. I'm 27 and my coworker is 28 and not single. But he's very flirty around me. And I try my hardest to stay away. And like if I do see him be more friendly and less flirty, let me tell you, he has a girlfriend, not just a regular girlfriend, a live-in girlfriend. Like he lives with his girlfriend. They've been together for three years. But part of me, you know, still thinks that he flirts with me. And my Bestie coworker told me, you know, she's like, he's obviously flirting with you. You know, try to stay away. So I've been doing my best by trying to stay away. But when I see him, you know, I still say hello. Like I'm not going to be a total bitch to him. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm not trying to break up a happy home if you catch my drift. Anyway, let me hear your thoughts. Taremithu, bitch. Love ya. Bye.

Speaker 2:
[52:24] All right. Gentle caller, thank you for calling in so much. I mean, I thought you were going to end this voicemail with, and the next thing you know, I was blowing him in the break room. Like, you're good. Absolutely yes to healthy boundaries, but also absolutely yes to a little work flirt. If you don't think, I absolutely get my feathers ruffled in a good way when I'm standing backstage at a theater and a 60-year-old union stagehand says, love that hot pink glitter outfit. And if you don't think that I flip my hair and bat my fake eyelashes and go, thank you so much, Carl. Carl, do you enjoy chicken tenders and diet cokes? Because I have a couple of my dressing room. If you, I'm not going to finish it. I'm so skinny. I'm not going to finish it. But if you want some, like you can totally have them. And he's like, oh, no, no, thanks. I'm good. But yeah, yeah, yeah, I love the outfit. You look great. If you don't think that that is a highlight of my day, even though I have a loving and adoring husband who worships the ground I walk on and I worship his ground. If you don't think I'm out in the mean streets trying to get compliments and flirt, we're all human bitch. You're respectful, okay? Obviously, you would also never want to fuck up anything with your work. Because remember, you get paid before he gets what? Laid. You get paid before he gets laid. And that's another thing I will be teaching in my safety seminars for any of actual sex workers who are out there doing this as a profession. You get paid before he gets what? Laid. Thank you very much. And whether you are married and you're getting an allowance from your husband, or you guys, or you're actually out there as a lot lizard, whatever you're doing, I want cash in hand before tangible goods. And that's how that works. But it is okay to have an office flirt. That's okay. That's healthy. Okay. You have to have something to live for. Even when I worked at all my restaurant jobs and Jeff would sit at the end of the bar, and I would like, he would come in after his like, full day and I would sit there and make him a drink. You still have a work flirt. You still look at a bar. There's a bar back named Alejandro. And Jeff knows that's my work husband. I'm like, this is my work flirt. And he'd be like, what's up, Alejandro? You gotta have a work flirt. And as long as you're keeping it flirty and fun and just safety first and consensual, what am I talking about? You're fine. Okay. You're fine. Now it is a little bit different because he's not single, but you need something to look forward to. You can't be going into work not having anything to give you a little pep in your step. So listen, always keep it professional, keep it cute, and then put it on mute. But regardless, it's okay. As long as you don't fuck up your bag and fuck up a marriage, it's okay. Right? I mean, unless he's like doing something inappropriate, you can flirt back a little bit. It's okay. That's not home wrecking. You don't think when he's at Chipotle getting an extra scoop of sour cream, he ain't batting his eyelashes, too? We're all flirting a little bit to get what we need. If you don't think that when the police officer at the theater who runs security for that event walks into my car at night and is like, have a great night, ma'am, you don't think I turn around and go, you too, daddy. You don't think I say that? We're all human. Honestly, I say all of this, I don't actually know how to flirt with anybody who is like my age. Like if a 39-year-old man, if I was sitting at a bar by myself, having a drink or just eating some dinner, and I look snatched to the gods, and a man my age came up and was like, hey, are you married? I'd like to have sex with you. I wouldn't even know, I wouldn't even pick up on it, be like, you wanna do my taxes, what? Sure, take a seat. Oh yeah, that's how much stranger danger I don't pick up on. But if you're an older man, for some reason, I don't know if it's cause my dad is dead, I like to flirt with older men. And again, very platonic, but I feel comfortable and safe flirting with like men, 60 and up, again, daddy issues. But if you were actively to come up and hand me a piece of paper with your phone number, and you're like, I like your boobs, I would not be able to register that in my head. We've been out before with other girlfriends, and somebody has come up and like aggressively tried to hit on me. And I'm like, no, what are you guys talking about? And I've had friends be like, that man just asked for your number. And you said, sure, are you like, I'd love to give you my number. And I'm like, huh? He said he worked at a hospital. I may need a blood transfusion one day. You never know. Like that's how gullible I am when it comes to people our age. An older man though, I'll flirt, I'll show you my boobs. I will, I'll give you a rogue nip if you want it. But I do need to process that in therapy. I don't know what that's about. But it is very hard for me to pick up when actual people of age are flirting with me. I'm like, no, they're not. And they're like, that man just absolutely asked you if you were married and if you wanted to go on a date. And you just said, your favorite food is pasta. Like, I just, I can't pick up on it. And it's because I've been out of the flirting game so long. But with older men, and maybe that's why I call the cops daddy, like, you want to be my daddy? It's not anything sexual. It's just, I'm like, no, I actually need a father because mine is dead. But also, can you train me because I'm trying to be a sheriff when I retire from comedy. It's okay to flirt with a coworker, but I think the action steps that you're taking right now, which is to avoid and pivot out of the situation, are probably the smartest. You're doing the right thing. You really are. Because you know what you never want to do? Fuck around and find out at a workplace, and you never want to take it. Then if this guy does really have feelings for you, and then it does get messy, and then you are breaking up a family, and then on top of that, someone's probably getting fired, and you know what you're gonna get paid before he what? Gets laid. There you go. There you go. Let's get to the next voicemail.

Speaker 1:
[58:40] This is Jamie from Raleigh, calling from my husband's loud ass car, which is an absolutely not of its own. So I'm sorry, I hope you can hear this, because the real absolutely not is that my Uber driver pissed in front of the bushes in my house last weekend. I came outside with my friend when I saw that he was arriving after already like missing turns. He was late. We had a dinner reservation, and we come outside and he gets out of the car and asks to please ease himself. We had no fucking clue. I just stared at him like a deer in headlights until my friend was like, yeah, yeah, go ahead. So we looked at each other and we're like, you just get in the car. He went over to the bushes behind like a dumpster of my town home complex and eased himself as he said. The most uncomfortable ride ever. And then I complained to Uber about it, asked for a refund because what the fuck? And they gave me a $5 credit. So absolutely not Uber. Use Lyft. Love you Heather.

Speaker 2:
[59:39] Love you too. Okay. Okay. You know what? I hear your concern and that this is something. See, this is where as a new safety manager and as I'm trying to figure out what my training protocols are, this is a tough one. Because at no point should somebody who's driving you ever relieve himself in front of you and your girlfriends. But also I can only imagine how hard it is when you're Uber driving where you can pee. I mean, you could have gone to a gas station. That's odd, okay, remember, sometimes you gotta read the room and read the situation, but I'm on your side. I was gonna say, let the guy piss. If you didn't see the dung and he's in the bushes, but no, that's not the smart way to think. You're being too lax. That's when you do need to be a Karen. And you say, I don't care where you pee. I don't care if you pee in the trunk when we get out of the car, but you're not peeing right now. Yeah, can I relieve myself? Ooh, that's not great. And then the next thing you know, he's getting back in the car, penis is already out. It's still out. And then he's like, hey, gals, where are we going? Carrabba's, Italian grill. And you're like, you're dicks out. Yeah, that could have been a doozy. And you know what's really wild is how, how easy it is just to keep your penis in your pants. I understand nature calls, you know, and it is very easy for men to run around and just pee in a bush or I'm going to go behind this tree. I mean, must be nice to be so lackadaisical about your urination, but inappropriate when you're picking up a bunch of gals headed to dinner. I mean, that's a doozy. And I don't love it for safety. Safety rating gets a two. I guess at least he asked, at least he let you know. But either way, that could have gotten very strange very quick. I mean, I was in London taking an Uber from my hotel to Heathrow. And the guy said, I am so sorry, but I have to stop to go to the bathroom. And he pulled into a gas station and he absolutely had diarrhea. He had beads of sweat dripping down. He was clutching at 10 and two. And I was like, he's either going to shit this camry or he's going to get out. But he pulled over to an actual facility. He was in there a good eight minutes. I did, at one point, I did like call a cab service. I was like, I might have to get a taxi because I don't know if this guy is okay. And when he got in the car, he was profusely apologizing. And I said, all good, meter wasn't running, buddy. Are you okay? But he did stop at a gas station, so I agree that wasn't appropriate. But again, that's one of those fine line safety things. If you see something, say something. He asked you, you didn't see it, but still. Yikes. Yikes. I gotta consult the professionals on that one. Let's get to the very last one.

Speaker 4:
[62:51] Hi Heather, huge fan. Gonna stay anonymous on this one, but really wanted to hear what you had to say. I am 23 and I've been in a relationship with a woman for, well, we were girls when we met. We met at 15 and 16. And, you know, obviously having been in a relationship this young for already almost a decade. There's a little question, so basically, to make a long story short, my question to you is, what would you say to somebody who in a lesbian relationship for a decade now may be questioning their sexuality overall? I do not want to end my relationship whatsoever, but also my partner is not somebody who is going to be willing to let me experiment, which I totally understand. But at the same time, we did get together really young. I, full disclosure, never even have been with a man. So I definitely have some curiosity there. Sorry if this is getting a little bit long, but yeah, what would your advice be? I don't want to break up. We don't want to take a break. We are engaged now. But yeah, it's just been something that's weighing a little bit heavy because I have not had any alternative experience. So I definitely have some curiosity there. Okay, thank you. I hope that I hear this in your episode because I am dying to know what you have to say to me. Okay, thanks. Love ya. Bye.

Speaker 2:
[64:21] Love ya. Wow. Alternative experiences. That's how we're putting it these days. Well, listen, I'm clearly looking for an alternative experience because I'm dressed like a, you know, one of the gals today. Pop my collar for this one. Okay, dude, gals, honey. I mean, I'm blushing. I'm blushing. I want to, this is exciting and also scary and I don't want to give the wrong advice, but she's looking for dong is essentially, the thesis of the question. But my response is don't do it. It'll destroy your life. If you start looking for dong now, it's not going to end how you want it to. It really isn't. You got ahead of it. You got a safety net of a good woman. Don't come over to dong because the rest of us that are riding them, I also have to deal with the other end of it, which is the male brain bullshit. Now, I get it if you just want to feel what some real chest hair feels against you. And that's probably why I definitely think I am not gay because I like very hairy masculine lumberjack men. That is my type. That is my type. Like I love a good calf hair. I love a sharp toenail that kind of scratches you like a cat in between the sheets just to keep you on the edge. But the amount of bullshit, heartache and absolute tomfoolery that we have to deal with, with a dung. And it doesn't matter if you're a gay man or a straight woman, dealing with dung is not the way to go. Stay where you are. It's safe. It's warm. It's inviting. It has feelings. Don't go for the dung. You can do a one night dung sesh, but yeah, I'm telling you right now, it's going to fuck you up and not a good way. You're pure heart. Stay away from the dung. It ain't worth it. It ain't worth it. Stay away from the dung. It ain't worth it. If I could go back and tell my younger self, I found a good one, but the amount of nasty dungs that I had to touch see... I got a headache thinking about it. And I understand you want to explore. Everybody wants what they haven't had or don't have. Like, yeah, I'd love to go to Malta, but is that going to align with my Google cow this year? Probably not. But if you've only been with women, stick with them. Because once you go dung, it's... Baby, you might as well jump into the straighter whore moves right now, because it's not going to be a good idea. And if you think testing out penis now with men in 2026 is going to be a good time, it's not. They don't know how to flirt with you. They don't know how to even approach you in public. And those dicks are only getting dirtier. And I hate to be crass, but now you don't know what anyone has. So if I was you, you know, you can watch some films if you know what I'm saying, and kind of get a feel for it. But if you're already on the lady train and that train's left the station, I'd take it right to Pleasantville. Because the only place a dong train's taking you is to HPV, possibly a teen pregnancy, and a mental institution. Because that's what these men will do to you. You get one hit of that dong and it's over, baby. Forget it. They bleed you dry financially, emotionally, spiritually, and then you gotta deal with the mother-in-law. Stay away from the dong. They trap you. You know, it's like a plug. They plug you, they plug into you. And they supercharge you to be a psycho bitch. That's what happens. Soon as that P goes in V, you're like, dee dee dee dee dee. And you're like, now my mind is completely, completely destroyed. So while I want to encourage you to always follow your heart, but if you don't, you are emotionally invested, just get a bigger strap on. That's all I can say. Stay away from the dong. Stay away from that dong. Wow, what an episode. We have really, really, we've gone through it. We've done it. And I'm so grateful that you guys are here. Again, you can get your tickets at heatherontour.com. I will see you on the road this weekend and sign up for the cruise, heatheratsea.com. I'm so excited to see so many of y'all there. It's going to be a blast. I got to get out of here. What are we doing? Literally, I am supposed to be in a Zoom in three seconds and I'm screaming at a woman right now to stay away from the dong. And that's why I love what I do. And that's why I love this podcast. I love you guys. I mean it. I will see you on the next episode. Ciao bella, arrivederci, bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at Heather K. McMahan. See you guys soon.