transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:10] Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information, or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at therapyforblackgirls.com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session 460 of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation after a word from our sponsors. This week, we're back with another episode of Ask Dr. Joy. Ask Dr. Joy is our exclusive Patreon segment where I answer questions submitted by our community members. And today we're talking about the journey of getting back to yourself. If you've ever wondered, who am I when I'm not performing? If you're learning to trust your voice, reclaiming your worth, or finally choosing you after years of everything from caretaking to code switching, you'll wanna keep listening. We're talking about trusting your own voice, learning to separate that from the noise of the world, and making space for communities that truly see you. If you've ever felt invisible in places that you once felt freedom in, we'll explore what it means to grieve that and reconnect with your joy. Wherever you are, this is your reminder that you're allowed to choose yourself. If something resonates with you while enjoying this episode, please share with us on social media using the hashtag, TBGInSession. Or join us over on our Patreon to talk more about the episode. You can join us at community.therapyforblackgirls.com.

Speaker 2:
[02:19] Let's get into it. Hey, y'all. Welcome back to another episode of Ask Dr. Joy. This is the segment where I am answering the question that you have submitted. So if you have questions about relationships, dating, friendship, career, whatever is on your mind, please send them into us at the form that you'll find in the comment section. So today's questions are a lot about self-worth, showing up as your authentic self, that genre. So here's the first question. Hi, I wanted to start off saying that I love this and appreciate all that you all do for the community. You're very welcome. It's our honor. My question pertains to showing up authentically and honestly. As I navigate through life, I seem to always care what other people think, and it often stops me from speaking up. Setting boundaries are making choices that truly feel right for me. How can I work on releasing the need for external validation and feel more confident showing up as my full authentic self? So I feel like this is one of those instances where the more you do it, the better you get at it. Not necessarily the easier it is, although at some point it may become easier. But I do think the more that you practice being in tune with your own voice, with your own desires, your own needs, the more clear it becomes and the more comfortable you get in that space. The idea of letting go of this need for external validation, I don't know that there's anybody who really doesn't appreciate external validation. It feels good to be affirmed. It feels good for people to give us kudos and give us positive affirmations and words of encouragement. I don't know that you need to completely move away from external validation, but I do think that it is important for your voice, your internal voice to be louder than any validation or any voice that comes from outside of yourself. I don't want you working on the wrong thing. It's not about not ever seeking or appreciating validation. It really is more about how is my voice the strongest? No matter what other people say, this is the voice that really matters. Again, I think that is just something that comes with continuing to do things, and also making sure that you are putting yourself in environments where your authentic self is actually appreciated. Because I think a lot of times as Black women, we find ourselves in situations where our authenticity is not appreciated. Sometimes we are in workspaces or in social spaces, kind of by force, right? Like if it's a workplace or some kind of situation where you have to be, we find ourselves in faces where who we are authentically is not actually appreciated or affirmed. So is it that you have trouble being in tune with your true self, or is it that your true self is not appreciated and affirmed because you find yourself in maybe oppressive situations? Again, sometimes that has to happen, at least for some time, if it's a workspace or some other place where you have to be, but also make sure that you are very clear that this is not about me not being enough, or me being to something enough, or not something else enough. It is more about the environment, because that can become our own messaging, that can become our own voice. We can get confused about what's actually happening if we are not clear that, yes, the situation is not affirming who I am, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. So that's something else that you may want to look at is kind of assessing your environments. Are you actually putting yourself and finding yourself in environments that affirm who you are? Because that can make it more difficult if you are in situations where you're not actually being affirmed for who you are. But again, I think a lot of this comes with just you hear the same kind of using your voice even when it's soft or even if it cracks, right? Like again, just practicing that muscle. It is often like a muscle that you just have to build up so that you get again a little bit more comfortable with it. It may never be completely easy. It may never be second nature to you, but it is something that the more that you do it, the stronger that you become there. Thank you so much for your question. The second question is, as a black woman in my late 50s, I often feel invisible in spaces that once celebrated my presence. I'm learning not to tie my worth to how useful I am to others, but it's hard. How do I reclaim my sense of value and identity in this new season of life? Thank you so much for this question. So there's something about this question that feels like freedom to me, Riley, this idea that you have outgrown or spaces that used to really affirm you, you feel like they're not doing that anymore. And there's something about that that really feels like an opportunity for you to find spaces that actually will be affirming and celebratory of you, right? So there's this leaving this stuff in the past and really embarking on a new journey. And that's not to say that they may not be a sense of grief with kind of moving past spaces where you were celebrated, right? Especially if they are something that had been a part of your life for a very long time. And it also feels like there is space to really embrace what this next stage of your life looks like. And so I think looking for communities where your interests are celebrated, right? Whether that means finding other sisters your age, whether that means looking into new interests that you're interested in exploring. Like what kinds of things are you now interested in doing? Maybe there are things that you have kind of put on the back burner for some time, then now we will have more space to actually explore. So it does feel like this is a huge opportunity, honestly, for you to step into new kinds of interests, find new circles that will affirm you, new spaces where you will be celebrated, so that there could be even better on the horizon than maybe what you're leaving behind. But I would love to hear how this goes and what kinds of new spaces you find yourself in. So please keep us posted if you'd like to with what happens next in this new phase of your life. Thank you so much for this question. Our next question is, I've spent so many years being what others needed me to be at work, and family, and friendships. Now that I'm older and craving more freedom to just be, I'm realizing I don't always know who that version of me is. How do I start reconnecting with myself after years of putting me on the back burner? So this question feels very similar to the previous question in that it's a new phase of life maybe and now an attempt to reconnect with who I am and I think a lot of times it could be helpful to go back to who you were as a little person, right? So what were some of the interests you had as a child, whether that was drawing, singing, or acting, or was there something that felt very natural and like joyful to you as a child that you have lost connection with? That can be a great indicator as to something that would still bring you joy, right? Like I think there's something about childhood and like not a lot of pressure necessarily to do a thing that really allows us to explore our curiosity. And of course, as we get older, we lose touch with that. And so the opportunity to reconnect with that could be something that could be really interesting to you right now. I also am picking up on these little words that you're using. I've spent so many years being what others needed me to be at work. A lot of times we can begin to confuse, I think, who we are with what we do for other people. And again, get confused about like that being the only worth that we have is in our utility to others, but there's utility. There is worth. You always hear me saying there's worth in just who you are simply because you exist. And so I think that again, that this is an opportunity for you to really explore what kinds of things to really do excite you. Is there some travel that you want to do? Is there a new hobby that you want to explore? What kinds of things would you do if there were no other pressures? Cause it sounds like you are moving into a phase of your life where there are less pressures. You are wanting there to be less pressure, right? Wanting there to be less expectations on your time, your energy and your resources, and really just what do I want to do? And so that may mean trying out a lot of different things, you know, so community colleges or local colleges and universities will often have these extension learning kinds of programs where you can take a photography class or be interested in bird watching, or if you want to join an adult kickball league, like what kinds of things would you be interested in just trying a whole bunch of things until you see what really sticks. But it does feel like this is a great opportunity for you to have some fun, for you to report into yourself after so many years of just pouring into other people. So again, I would love to hear what kinds of new things that you're trying and as you explore this new phase of your life. Thank you so much for this question. And if you have questions about career, about expanding into a new stage of your life, about relationships, friendships, please send those to us. You can find the form in the comments section below. Again, thank you all so much for sending in your questions. And I do hope that this has been helpful. Until next time, take good care of yourself.

Speaker 1:
[11:57] I'm so grateful you could sit with me for today's episode. And I hope we connected with you wherever you are in your journey. If you have a question you like me to answer and you want to submit it for Ask Dr. Joy, join us over in Patreon at community.therapyforblackgirls.com to share it. And don't forget to text this episode to two of your girls right now and tell them to check it out. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at therapyforblackgirls.com/directory. Don't forget to follow us over on Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. This episode was produced by Ellice Ellis, Ndeye Thioubou, and Tyree Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.

Speaker 2:
[12:44] Take good care.