transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Speaker 2:
[00:18] Making art is like masturbation. You picture something in your mind, employ a little handiwork, and then spurt forth a little part of yourself that's probably going to be wet to the touch for a little while. Making art about making art is therefore like masturbating while picturing yourself masturbating. It's self-indulgent yet oddly impressive if you can pull it off, but if you can't pull it off, you just look like a massive wanker. Which brings me to the colour of combat, the latest outpouring from the penises, I mean geniuses, at Annapurna Games, wherein you play a sentient paintbrush remembering the bits of World War I that your artsy fartsy owner has very decisively repressed into himself, only you have to go in and dredge up all his memories so he can finally realise his masterpiece in Brainsplatter Pink, Mustard Gas Yellow and Trauma Beige. That's right, it's art about making art that's a metaphor for making art. That's like masturbating to the concept of masturbating to a symbol that abstractly represents masturbating and oh dear, I've given myself a migraine stiffy. The cornhole of Cock Twat might sound like a mix of Psychonauts and Mario Paint by way of Come and See, but it's more like a depressing Banjo-Kazooie clone and we already had that, it was called Yooka-Laylee. It might not like a slick new indie title but that just makes the archaic collectathon gameplay stick out like your grandma on stage at a Vegas Burlesque show. And also like Grandma on stage at a Vegas Burlesque show, the cummerbund cunt bucket keeps forgetting what it's supposed to be doing. One minute you're pipetting tears from the face of dying soldiers at the Somme, the next you're sampling the brown streaks from the Red Baron's underpants. The tone wavers like a D&D podcast interrupting a well-crafted fart joke to cry about a recently deceased pet and then transition to a Mint Mobile ad. All of which might be forgivable if the cum charcuterie actually had something to say, but the overall message is bollocks. If surviving trauma was all you needed to be a great artist, beating Borderlands 2 should have won me the fucking Turner Prize.

Speaker 3:
[02:29] Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps better known this season as Grandpas and Galaxies. I hope not better, no. No, not better, no.

Speaker 1:
[02:37] Our numbers are tanking.

Speaker 3:
[02:39] A grand space popper about four gilts who take to the stars and rescue their grandkids, and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. It's D&D with the shade of dark matter in there. My name is Freddie Wong, I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with an E, and a birch like the tree. Born in 64, Ashley Birch is the youngest boomer, a Twin Galaxies era arcade pro gamer turned Twitch streamer, Gadgeteer. This week's Ashley Fact, I suspect we're going to be dealing with his drone, his class feature as a Gadgeteer. I get a little gadget.

Speaker 4:
[03:15] I think I've heard you say DJI drone more than I've heard you just say the word drone. I think it's more often you put DJI in front of it.

Speaker 3:
[03:22] I think it's important you have to be the change you wish to see in the world. And I wish to be a influencer who gets free drones from certain companies based in Shenzhen, China, okay?

Speaker 2:
[03:32] Certain so-and-so unnamed companies.

Speaker 3:
[03:34] Ashley is the kind of guy, and this is just a holdover, who will read the manual cover to cover, including the parts where just to make sure, just in case something's hiding in there.

Speaker 4:
[03:44] In the other languages?

Speaker 3:
[03:44] In the other languages. You know, be like, ah, that one, Italian.

Speaker 4:
[03:49] The Chinese are getting secret instructions on the trojan.

Speaker 2:
[03:51] Well, because here's what it is.

Speaker 3:
[03:53] There was a famous case where, like, some company hid in their terms of service, like, hey, if you email us proving you read it, we'll give you money. And one person was like, hey, there's money here. And he hopes one day to be one of those guys. So he's wise to all their TOS games.

Speaker 5:
[04:10] I've got a pitch for IKEA. They don't put any like words on the instructions, right? They should just make up a language.

Speaker 6:
[04:21] Yeah! I mean, their names are halfway there.

Speaker 3:
[04:23] All of those are actual Swedish.

Speaker 6:
[04:26] No, it's IKEA language. Nice. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. And I play Dale Elliot, the ex-coast guard, world cruise loving now living that monk life.

Speaker 3:
[04:38] I want to ask Dale a question.

Speaker 6:
[04:39] Okay, great. You'll be happy to answer.

Speaker 1:
[04:41] Is Dale in the room right now?

Speaker 6:
[04:43] Father of four, grandfather of seven, friend of all.

Speaker 3:
[04:46] Army of two.

Speaker 6:
[04:47] Oh, man, he would love Army of two. He would play Army of two with Ashley Birch, that's for sure. Little fact about Dale. Actually, Dale doesn't know either. Dale is panimmune. He is immune to every disease on earth because he got the norovirus like nine times.

Speaker 3:
[05:04] He did die.

Speaker 6:
[05:05] And he's been to like every single continent. And he doesn't know, but his blood is straight up gold.

Speaker 1:
[05:10] I thought you were saying he's like impossible to attract pansexuals or something. Yes, that's what I thought. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[05:14] Oh, no, no, definitely not. Well, that's definitely not. No, no, he's pansexual.

Speaker 1:
[05:18] If you're in the more than one gender, you're not for Dale.

Speaker 6:
[05:20] So if he gave his body to science, I think a lot of things could be solved. He may never die for all you know.

Speaker 3:
[05:26] Wow, that's kind of wild.

Speaker 1:
[05:27] That's a wild fact to draw.

Speaker 5:
[05:29] So like he's never had chickenpox or anything?

Speaker 4:
[05:31] No, he did.

Speaker 5:
[05:31] Oh, OK.

Speaker 3:
[05:32] He's had so many things.

Speaker 7:
[05:33] He's had it all.

Speaker 6:
[05:34] Malaria, he's got everything.

Speaker 4:
[05:36] Typhus.

Speaker 6:
[05:37] Typhus, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[05:38] Got some Ebola kicking around in there.

Speaker 6:
[05:40] Every time you see one of those, if you've picked up a newspaper, you're like, oh, another one in this country is happening. Is it going to come to us? He's had it.

Speaker 4:
[05:47] I like the idea that Dale's immune to all this stuff, but he is a carrier and spreads all over everywhere. He's like Typhoid Mary of the seas.

Speaker 2:
[05:52] He's immune.

Speaker 6:
[05:53] He's Typhoid Mary.

Speaker 2:
[05:54] He's immune.

Speaker 6:
[05:55] He's caring at all.

Speaker 5:
[05:57] Every marriage is like love in the time of Colorado with Dale.

Speaker 6:
[06:01] If Anthony ever, like, checks any planet we've been to, like, a year later, it's just this rabbit.

Speaker 3:
[06:06] They're all gone.

Speaker 6:
[06:08] Little do we know, right?

Speaker 1:
[06:09] It's a swath of destruction. It's one of the world's rules where one cold kills them all.

Speaker 3:
[06:14] Dale, question.

Speaker 6:
[06:15] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[06:15] So there was a very famous cruise that sort of went around the world, right? It was like a 200, 300 day cruise or whatever it is. What would Dale thoughts be about such an endeavor?

Speaker 6:
[06:25] He's been on, there's many world cruises.

Speaker 3:
[06:27] No, no, no, no, no. This is one where the cruise lasts like almost a year. There was like a whole thing. Now, granted, this is after the day.

Speaker 6:
[06:33] I guess that's excellent. There's lots of world cruises. They're like 180 days, 160 days, like 200 days. They're all, you can go on one right now, Freddie.

Speaker 3:
[06:39] Has he ever gone on one?

Speaker 2:
[06:40] Yeah, that's what he does.

Speaker 3:
[06:41] He just does those?

Speaker 1:
[06:42] He just does those. Oh my god.

Speaker 6:
[06:43] He's gone for like nine months out of the year.

Speaker 4:
[06:45] I think he gets all the diseases.

Speaker 6:
[06:46] He's gone for like nine months out of the year.

Speaker 3:
[06:48] What is the shortest cruise Dale has been on?

Speaker 6:
[06:52] I mean, he's been on some short cruises, because there's definitely some places that the world cruises won't go up to or whatever. But yeah, he's on like a little trip still.

Speaker 4:
[06:58] He's sometimes going to have to take a cruise to get to the other cruise.

Speaker 1:
[07:01] You got to chain the cruises together.

Speaker 6:
[07:04] Freddie, let me put it this way. When you go to the ATM, do you just get a 20? If you're going to pay 350 anyways, you're going to take out like 200 bucks or whatever. You don't want to go back. So if you're going to get all that effort to go on the cruise, you're going to be on there for 180 days. That's what he does.

Speaker 4:
[07:15] Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph Estarellas, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died, and also he's a radiation freak. Nice. My fun fact about Ralph this week is that in the 90s, Ralph and his wife Cookie sold the rights, the foreign rights to teen sex, to a Japanese animation company. And it became the anime known as Fighting Bug Friends.

Speaker 1:
[07:41] Fighting Bug Friends Who Have Sex.

Speaker 3:
[07:45] It became an erotic manga.

Speaker 4:
[07:46] I think whatever it is, whatever it is, that's what it's called in English.

Speaker 5:
[07:48] Fighting Bug Friends with Benefits.

Speaker 4:
[07:50] The Japanese title also does, in Japanese, sound like something like teen sex.

Speaker 3:
[07:54] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[07:55] Nani?

Speaker 4:
[07:56] Hentai? No, hentai. They got like a couple hundred bucks for it, or like maybe $1,000, because they're hard off on rent that month. And it's since gone on to be a gigantic anime overseas. Billions of dollars, huge franchise.

Speaker 3:
[08:10] It's like Evangelion. It's like Evangelion, where they're pushing shick razors all of a sudden.

Speaker 6:
[08:16] Like Shinji stop.

Speaker 3:
[08:18] Talk about shaving.

Speaker 6:
[08:19] Has Ralph watched to see why they're successful and yours isn't?

Speaker 4:
[08:23] I think they just literally didn't even think about it. It was just like they got the check and then they forgot about it. And then, you know, I don't think they even really realize all that much.

Speaker 6:
[08:31] It's so different from your vision that if you saw like a poster of it, you wouldn't even think it's.

Speaker 4:
[08:35] Occasionally, like a big fan of the anime will make a pilgrimage and tell them like, oh, we love this cartoon. And they're like, that's crowd. So it's a cartoon.

Speaker 7:
[08:42] OK.

Speaker 4:
[08:42] Yeah.

Speaker 7:
[08:42] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[08:43] We remember that was pretty interesting.

Speaker 7:
[08:45] Wow.

Speaker 4:
[08:45] They're still doing it. All right. You know, it's like one of those. That's great.

Speaker 5:
[08:48] Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Herb The Worm Quiggly, a young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Herb read over 900 self-improvement books after he dropped out of college. And by book 715, he had achieved peak emotional human performance.

Speaker 1:
[09:13] He was emotion maxing?

Speaker 5:
[09:15] Yes. But the last 185 books were mostly stinkers and left him worse off than before.

Speaker 3:
[09:21] Oh, no. I've never thought of self-help books like working.

Speaker 1:
[09:25] And then some of them are like, I actually want to do this.

Speaker 4:
[09:27] That would cancel out that. I remember as a kid, they'd be like, You can be anything you want. Book cancels out that you're perfect the way you are.

Speaker 1:
[09:33] I recommend The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Y'all remember that time when it was so hip?

Speaker 4:
[09:38] Don't you mean The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Freak?

Speaker 6:
[09:40] Yeah, you remember this every book?

Speaker 4:
[09:42] I remember going to the airport.

Speaker 3:
[09:44] It was like, hey, let's put a fucking book. That was the big, that's how they reacted to the internet. And all the machine insurers were like, how can we fight the internet? I know, the F word.

Speaker 4:
[09:53] Yeah, Penguin Random House is like, we're going to be the first book with cunt.

Speaker 1:
[10:00] Remember shit my dad says? That guy was a liar, right?

Speaker 3:
[10:02] Probably.

Speaker 4:
[10:03] You don't think his dad was saying that stuff? You think William Shatner would do a TV show that dad was a liar?

Speaker 1:
[10:09] You're right, William Shatner, the paragon of truth and justice in the world.

Speaker 3:
[10:12] They didn't do a TV show of his second book, cunt fuck.

Speaker 4:
[10:17] Hi, I'm Will Campos. I just want to say that's the last time Freddie and I are going to say that word in the show.

Speaker 6:
[10:20] Yeah, we're not going to say that. Less than Australia.

Speaker 3:
[10:23] Less than Australia.

Speaker 1:
[10:24] And they got to.

Speaker 5:
[10:25] Hey, it's no big deal.

Speaker 6:
[10:28] No big deal.

Speaker 1:
[10:29] On that note, I'm Anthony Burch, I'm the Granddaddy Master. Today's Empigramph is, War is the realm of uncertainty. Three quarters of the factors on which action in war is based are wrapped in a fog of greater or lesser uncertainty. A sensitive and discriminating judgment is called for. A skilled intelligence to send out the truth.

Speaker 4:
[10:48] Robert McNamara.

Speaker 1:
[10:49] Nope.

Speaker 4:
[10:49] Sun Tzu.

Speaker 1:
[10:51] You're close.

Speaker 4:
[10:51] Rumsfeld.

Speaker 1:
[10:52] Karl von Klauswitz, who is the originator of the entire premise of the idea of fog of war.

Speaker 4:
[10:58] I thought they came up with that in StarCraft.

Speaker 3:
[11:00] Yeah, that's a Warcraft thing, actually.

Speaker 6:
[11:01] I think Age of Empires is the first one, was the first one to do fog of war.

Speaker 2:
[11:04] What was the first game?

Speaker 1:
[11:06] Dune 2, I think. Dune 2 was the first RTS, so that's probably what did it.

Speaker 5:
[11:09] What are you guys doing to me right now? Get on with it.

Speaker 1:
[11:15] So, when we last left you, first you saw some sort of creature in a bird mask kind of thing and a cloak that had killed a couple of amoeboids that Lila had planned on meeting. Then Lila said run and ran and was grabbed by two seemingly unrelated randos in the crowd.

Speaker 6:
[11:31] Creepy, mysterious, no name. I heard the name starts with a C.

Speaker 1:
[11:37] He's Australian, yeah. And then thrown into a spaceship and you attached a drone to the spaceship.

Speaker 6:
[11:46] DJI drone.

Speaker 1:
[11:47] Yeah, DJI drone to the spaceship. It's still working because the quality products. And you were like, what do we do now?

Speaker 4:
[11:53] I pulled the fire alarm and then we just started a big firefight in the casino. The last thing we saw was the doors all locking as this other ship blasted off, right?

Speaker 3:
[12:03] Yeah, I seem to recall also that the guards were on to us inside. Can you give me just a little overview of the Bloaters, Davin Bloaters and what we see before us?

Speaker 6:
[12:12] Yeah, what's our situation? Give us the mission briefing. How fucked are we?

Speaker 1:
[12:15] How are we? You find yourself at the air docks of Davin Bloaters. Water is raining down from the sprinklers overhead because of the fire alarm that Ralph pulled. Lila's ship is on the other side of an airlock which is currently closed.

Speaker 4:
[12:29] Ooh, is there a portal in the airlock? Can I see through it?

Speaker 3:
[12:34] Yeah, like a window.

Speaker 5:
[12:36] No, like a portal that will put us on the ship.

Speaker 4:
[12:38] I'm going to cast Misty Step one more time and teleport on the other side of the wall.

Speaker 6:
[12:44] Whoa! Okay.

Speaker 4:
[12:45] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[12:45] So you're in the space?

Speaker 3:
[12:47] You're in space?

Speaker 1:
[12:48] No, he's in the ship now.

Speaker 3:
[12:50] Oh, Lila's ship.

Speaker 4:
[12:51] Yeah, Lila's ship. I just want to be on the other side of the door.

Speaker 1:
[12:54] Okay, so you're there and on that side you see some controls. None of them are immediately obvious to what they do.

Speaker 4:
[12:58] I would like to talk to the door.

Speaker 6:
[12:59] Ralph doesn't even need doors anymore.

Speaker 1:
[13:01] Okay, what are you going to say to the door?

Speaker 4:
[13:03] Hello, door. Oh, that's what you sound like. Could you open for me so I can let my friends in?

Speaker 7:
[13:18] I don't want to let a fire on to your ship. That'd be bad.

Speaker 4:
[13:21] Door, I'm the one who pulled the fire alarm and it was a mistake and I'm sorry. And I won't do it again, but there's no fire and I would like to roll Charisma.

Speaker 1:
[13:31] Persuasion.

Speaker 4:
[13:31] Persuasion.

Speaker 3:
[13:32] That's crazy how many times we're rizzing up doors.

Speaker 4:
[13:35] I got a seven. Wait, wait, wait, yeah, I got a seven.

Speaker 7:
[13:39] I'm so sorry, but I need an official voice telling me to just open up and you're not very official. Please. But thank you.

Speaker 4:
[13:47] I wish I could.

Speaker 7:
[13:48] You have a very good personality. I can tell just from this conversation.

Speaker 3:
[13:53] I used to think there was a joy in new Anthony voices, but now...

Speaker 6:
[13:55] No, no, no. I've never turned around a character so much.

Speaker 1:
[13:57] I didn't like the character.

Speaker 5:
[13:58] No, actually, I love this voice.

Speaker 1:
[13:59] I hated this character.

Speaker 6:
[14:00] The last sentence made me like this character more than anybody.

Speaker 4:
[14:02] Doory, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 7:
[14:04] No.

Speaker 4:
[14:05] Why do you talk like that? I just mean...

Speaker 7:
[14:13] Why do you talk like the way you talk?

Speaker 4:
[14:15] I becau... You know, just I have an accent. This is what's called an American accent.

Speaker 6:
[14:19] Ralph, you probably sound weird at him, man.

Speaker 7:
[14:20] I know.

Speaker 4:
[14:21] And if he was curious about the way that I sound, I would be happy to answer. So I was just asking.

Speaker 7:
[14:26] People call me adorable.

Speaker 4:
[14:27] Oh, my God. That's very cute. Guys, I don't think I can open the door on the other side. Do you want me to go chase after Lila? I can go do it.

Speaker 6:
[14:33] How? Wait.

Speaker 4:
[14:34] The ship's over here.

Speaker 6:
[14:35] Oh, yes. I'll get in.

Speaker 5:
[14:37] Door.

Speaker 4:
[14:37] Hey, door.

Speaker 6:
[14:38] Bud. Bud. I'm gonna... Hey, I like your vibe, door. How you doing?

Speaker 7:
[14:41] Oh, your friends are trying to whizz me off, aren't they? I'm sorry about Ralph.

Speaker 6:
[14:44] He's having a tough time. We're all having a tough time. Now, you sound like you're having a tough time, too. How often do you have to close because of fires? Is that a pretty common thing, bud? No. No? When do you open up?

Speaker 7:
[14:56] When the fire alarm gets lifted by the person who's in charge of security.

Speaker 6:
[15:00] Oh, okay. That makes sense.

Speaker 3:
[15:01] What about if it's Dave from Dave and Bloaters himself?

Speaker 6:
[15:05] Hi, it's me, Dave.

Speaker 1:
[15:07] Rule Deception. 16.

Speaker 7:
[15:15] Sir, you have graced me with your presence. This voice is only because every day I'm outside of your light. I am absolutely mortified at the mere thought of existing in a universe without you. I face outward towards the void rather than inward towards the lights and beauty of demon bloaters forever, like Tantalus with my dream just out of reach.

Speaker 3:
[15:39] How do you know about Tantalus? How do you know about my buddy Tantalus? Tantalus is another chain restaurant in this area.

Speaker 6:
[15:48] The food is just right in front of you.

Speaker 1:
[15:51] It's the fajita experience with all their dishes.

Speaker 3:
[15:56] I want that.

Speaker 1:
[15:57] It's a sizzling place, dude.

Speaker 5:
[15:59] And I'm Mr. Bloater. It's me. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[16:03] Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Deception with disadvantage.

Speaker 3:
[16:05] Bloater very famously separated from Dave over disagreements over their ticket with Denver policies.

Speaker 7:
[16:10] My lowest score was a 14.

Speaker 1:
[16:12] Really?

Speaker 7:
[16:12] Yes. Oh my God! What is happening today?

Speaker 4:
[16:18] You guys are back together?

Speaker 5:
[16:19] Yeah, we had a feud, but then I forgave him.

Speaker 7:
[16:22] What brought you back together? Tickets.

Speaker 1:
[16:25] Arbitration.

Speaker 6:
[16:26] Did you realize that the third-party arbitration.

Speaker 7:
[16:29] Only by combining your tickets could you get the RC car of your dreams.

Speaker 5:
[16:33] Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 7:
[16:34] Oh my God.

Speaker 1:
[16:35] And the door opens.

Speaker 4:
[16:37] All right, boys, let's go.

Speaker 5:
[16:38] Okay. Well, door, thank you for your service.

Speaker 4:
[16:42] Door, door.

Speaker 3:
[16:43] Close behind us and stay closed.

Speaker 7:
[16:46] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 5:
[16:48] What?

Speaker 7:
[16:48] You can take my AI out of this door.

Speaker 6:
[16:50] All right, I'm going to take it.

Speaker 3:
[16:53] Grab the AI core, Daryl.

Speaker 6:
[16:55] Do I just take the whole handle here?

Speaker 3:
[16:57] Twist the handle counterclockwise 90 degrees and pull the AI core out.

Speaker 6:
[17:01] I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. And I'm going to install this door on our door. So that this character stays. Who the hell is that? I'm the door.

Speaker 4:
[17:15] Whoa, that's a crazy door.

Speaker 1:
[17:19] OK, so you managed to successfully yank out the AI core because the door presents it to you. And now, yeah, the outside door is more erotic than a door presenting its AI core to you. The door is now facing inward to the body of Lila's ship.

Speaker 6:
[17:32] We can keep it outside.

Speaker 1:
[17:35] Yeah, I guess it's up to you. Do you want it facing inside or outside?

Speaker 6:
[17:38] I want it here, but I don't want it here all the time.

Speaker 7:
[17:41] OK, if he's facing outside, then he's like, oh, just knowing that you're inside of me is enough.

Speaker 1:
[17:46] That's OK.

Speaker 7:
[17:46] Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 3:
[17:47] This is how we open the door to the Lila's ship, is we replace the AI cores and then we...

Speaker 6:
[17:52] All I'm saying is this door is going to ride and die for us.

Speaker 3:
[17:53] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[17:54] The Lila's ship door is not opening by itself without us wanting it.

Speaker 5:
[17:58] Unless we set it free. Masters give a nobby a knock.

Speaker 6:
[18:03] I lean in and I'm like, it's very important though this door never knows you two are alive. Otherwise, we're getting shot into space.

Speaker 1:
[18:11] We're getting shot into space, guys.

Speaker 6:
[18:13] Very fickle door.

Speaker 5:
[18:15] No, I wouldn't lie.

Speaker 6:
[18:17] We have to keep it up forever.

Speaker 1:
[18:19] Forever.

Speaker 6:
[18:20] You're Dave and you're bloaters.

Speaker 3:
[18:21] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[18:21] You hear that, Herb?

Speaker 5:
[18:22] I don't hear that because you wouldn't call me by name.

Speaker 6:
[18:24] It sounds like a Destiny back there.

Speaker 1:
[18:27] Okay, what do you want to do now?

Speaker 3:
[18:28] Open the door to this ship.

Speaker 7:
[18:30] You know you're in now.

Speaker 6:
[18:31] Thanks.

Speaker 3:
[18:32] Close door.

Speaker 7:
[18:33] Okay.

Speaker 5:
[18:34] Wow, you're so good at that.

Speaker 3:
[18:35] Close other... Guys. Okay, whoa. I got the feed from my DJI drone on my smartphone using the DJI app. Hang on, guys. Let me boot up DJI Mimo. DJI Mimo is the app. Hold on. Got to agree to their new terms of use. Done.

Speaker 6:
[18:55] Does that work on any phone? Can you put it on mine?

Speaker 3:
[18:58] No, you got to download it from the app store. What's great, though, is that it does cover all of DJI's products.

Speaker 1:
[19:03] You got the Avada 360, you got the Action 6, the Mobile 8.

Speaker 5:
[19:07] Does it work on books?

Speaker 3:
[19:08] Wait, this is the wrong DJI app. That's just the one to look at.

Speaker 4:
[19:12] We're running out of time. Lila's getting away.

Speaker 3:
[19:14] OK, I got a feed on Lila. She's so well, I guess I could see her, but I don't know where she is.

Speaker 4:
[19:19] We said it, babe.

Speaker 6:
[19:20] Who's the pilot? Who's the best at piloting?

Speaker 1:
[19:22] So the ship, unlike the Elder Millennial, did not seem to have an AI managing most of its abilities and protocols and stuff. It seemed to just be a small ship made for four to five people max that's manually piloted. When you saw it getting piloted towards Dave and Bloaters, Lila was piloting it herself.

Speaker 3:
[19:43] Don't worry. I happen to have a number of capital ships that I own, both released and unreleased in, well, the streaming game of my choice. Step aside, folks. I'll take it from here. I'm going to settle into the captain's chair and put my hands on the hands-on throttle, the hotas setup.

Speaker 1:
[20:00] I mean, go ahead and roll piloting.

Speaker 3:
[20:01] Piloting, which somehow I don't have any bonuses on, which seems strange, weird.

Speaker 1:
[20:06] I guess video games don't translate to real life.

Speaker 3:
[20:08] Huh, who knew?

Speaker 1:
[20:09] Doesn't matter.

Speaker 3:
[20:10] Seventeen. Whoa.

Speaker 1:
[20:12] So with a 17, you lurch this thing out of space.

Speaker 3:
[20:14] Lurch?

Speaker 7:
[20:15] Yeah, it wasn't a 20.

Speaker 3:
[20:16] Seventeen's pretty...

Speaker 1:
[20:18] It wasn't that bad. You don't get nauseous out of it, but you get...

Speaker 2:
[20:21] It's cool. Lurching's cool.

Speaker 1:
[20:22] It's like you just accelerate a little bit too fast.

Speaker 4:
[20:24] Freddie, it's just like when Dom Toretto fucking punches it on his Pontiac GTO, it's cool that everyone goes, whoa, and slams back. It's not like, oh, Dom Toretto did such a soft and supple job pressing the accelerator down that I could sip my tea without it splashing. You live life one fucking quarter mile at a time.

Speaker 6:
[20:42] Yeah, you're confident, dude. Lurching's confident. I keep my family safe.

Speaker 2:
[20:44] I remember everything about my father.

Speaker 1:
[20:48] You managed to pilot it out of space, Doc. You can turn around and sort of aim yourself while looking down at your DGI. David Bloaters? No, no, no. I'm saying like, you can look at your DJI app, which is so convenient in your phone, and sort of use that as a mini map, essentially, to direct you towards where the drone is coming from. Because somehow the satellites, which is how the GPS gets positioned, are just working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somehow, Freddie, yeah.

Speaker 5:
[21:14] Dave, do you need me to hold your phone so you can see where you're going?

Speaker 3:
[21:16] Oh, that'd be great.

Speaker 4:
[21:17] Yep, all right, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[21:18] And my name is Ashley.

Speaker 4:
[21:19] Uh.

Speaker 1:
[21:21] Okay, I'm going to roll to see if.

Speaker 4:
[21:23] Oh, Dave, oh, Sorry, you heard that.

Speaker 6:
[21:25] Sorry.

Speaker 3:
[21:25] We're all the way up in the thing.

Speaker 6:
[21:27] Can't believe I still get reception.

Speaker 1:
[21:28] That's why I said I'm rolling. She did not hear that.

Speaker 3:
[21:31] Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. Bloater, hold the phone for me.

Speaker 5:
[21:34] Yeah, I'm gonna hold the phone, and my name's Bloater, so I'm gonna do that.

Speaker 3:
[21:38] My piloting skills have increased by plus one.

Speaker 4:
[21:40] Well, because you're looking at your phone while you pilot.

Speaker 1:
[21:44] It actually cancels each other out.

Speaker 6:
[21:45] Yeah, follow the leadership.

Speaker 4:
[21:47] Ooh, can we transfer all the power to engines?

Speaker 3:
[21:52] So we have no shields.

Speaker 1:
[21:54] You sure can.

Speaker 3:
[21:54] No weapons, no shields. But engines.

Speaker 4:
[21:56] The classic sci-fi move is to transfer all the power to the engines. Is that something you can do from that console of yours?

Speaker 3:
[22:02] There's three sliders here, I'm just gonna slide them around like a DJ.

Speaker 6:
[22:07] Why don't you just have a bigger battery so you always have full power on all the parts?

Speaker 3:
[22:10] You know, there was a trend where they'll lie to you and they'll just say that they're transferring, but it's just one battery.

Speaker 1:
[22:18] Yes, we are going by X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter rules where you have...

Speaker 3:
[22:21] How sick would that be in electric cars if they're like, you can lower your bumper integrity, but you go faster.

Speaker 1:
[22:31] Your horn gets quieter.

Speaker 3:
[22:32] Your horn gets quieter, you can't roll down your windows.

Speaker 6:
[22:35] You can't roll down your windows.

Speaker 1:
[22:36] Don't give you a lot of muskety ideas. Okay. So yes.

Speaker 6:
[22:40] TIE Fighter X-Wing rules.

Speaker 1:
[22:41] The X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter rules are you have shields, engines and weapons and you basically have three points to distribute amongst them.

Speaker 6:
[22:49] 300 engines, we got to catch her.

Speaker 3:
[22:51] Full engines forward.

Speaker 1:
[22:52] Give me a roll with advantage because pretty shortly, I think the ship that you're chasing notices that you're on their ass and is going to try to do some evasive maneuvers by weaving into what looks to be a dust cloud.

Speaker 6:
[23:04] Dust cloud.

Speaker 4:
[23:05] It's happening. We're having a space dogfight. Oh my god, I'm so excited.

Speaker 6:
[23:09] Are Scrap and Wreckage with us?

Speaker 1:
[23:11] Oh, that's a good question.

Speaker 3:
[23:12] Sliding in the slipstream.

Speaker 1:
[23:14] So Scrap and Wreckage, when you last saw them, you asked them to bring back Roger Moore, correct?

Speaker 3:
[23:18] No, we asked them to eat the ship.

Speaker 1:
[23:20] Yes, eat the ship and bring back Roger Moore.

Speaker 3:
[23:22] Impossible.

Speaker 6:
[23:24] I believe they ate Roger Moore.

Speaker 1:
[23:25] They had to roll to see if they ate Roger Moore or not.

Speaker 5:
[23:28] How are we going to tell them that we have a new AI, that we like even more?

Speaker 1:
[23:33] You see Scrap and Wreckage behind you in the rearview mirror, and they are sort of confusedly looking at you. You can see from the way they're...

Speaker 5:
[23:42] They tilt their head like...

Speaker 1:
[23:43] Yeah, they're tilting their heads like dogs. But you can see from the way that their fins are moving that they seem to be following you.

Speaker 6:
[23:48] Oh, I was just wondering...

Speaker 1:
[23:49] And one of them has something in its mouth.

Speaker 6:
[23:50] Space does just wreckage. Are they useful to us if we put them on the front?

Speaker 4:
[23:55] Well, that depends if you're looking at a sort of Kepler event type thing. It could be debris, but it could also just be the dust of a ring of a planet or a nebula, in which case it's just starch stuff.

Speaker 1:
[24:04] So I just rolled a wisdom saving throw for Scrap to not eat Roger Moore, and he got a natural one. So you see sparks explode out of his mouth behind you. Oh, it's those little dots from the beginning of the Bond movies. Yes. So unfortunately, you see just a wisp of Roger Moore's face going, as his AI evaporates into the cold darkness of space and Scrap horks down his AI housing. And you see Wreckage turn to him and put both of his fins up as if to say, what did you do? It's a living. It's a living.

Speaker 6:
[24:38] Dora, can you tell them to come on?

Speaker 3:
[24:40] We don't want Scrap and Wreckage on board.

Speaker 6:
[24:43] Oh, he's talking to us. Freddie, why not?

Speaker 3:
[24:44] We should tell them.

Speaker 1:
[24:50] Wow, he's so into character, he doesn't know where he ends.

Speaker 6:
[24:55] Worst case scenario, Anthony does funny voices a lot.

Speaker 1:
[25:00] Best case scenario.

Speaker 4:
[25:02] That's right, we need to have Scrap and Matt Wreckage meet the door so they can have a conversation with each other.

Speaker 6:
[25:06] Or it's just like, it's an RPG. Until Anthony says their inventory is full, you just keep the shit. Like, when they might eat, like, they might eat something. Until they are two things that do things.

Speaker 3:
[25:19] Until you say two things that do things.

Speaker 6:
[25:22] So keep them with us in case we need them.

Speaker 1:
[25:25] They eat wreckage. Your hostess with the mostest, the two things that do things.

Speaker 3:
[25:31] Until you're over encumbered and your movement speed is lower, you just keep adding stuff on.

Speaker 6:
[25:36] I mean, worst case scenario.

Speaker 1:
[25:37] And then you remove one tin can.

Speaker 6:
[25:38] Worst case scenario, right, put it this way.

Speaker 4:
[25:40] No, wait, our good friend. No, I will say our good friend, Bloater.

Speaker 6:
[25:44] Heat-seeking missile.

Speaker 4:
[25:46] Okay. Drop them behind us.

Speaker 6:
[25:48] Drop them behind us.

Speaker 4:
[25:49] Bloater does bring up a good point, which is that scrap and wreckage, they're bad with names, wink. And they may not call certain people by the right names.

Speaker 6:
[26:00] Oh, that's gonna happen.

Speaker 4:
[26:01] Yeah, it's so annoying.

Speaker 6:
[26:03] They're always. We gotta solve that problem some way. That's gonna happen. What are you saying, Herb?

Speaker 5:
[26:11] I don't know who Herb is.

Speaker 4:
[26:14] Roll it again.

Speaker 7:
[26:16] No, no, she got it right, though. No, but he can say it wrong.

Speaker 4:
[26:20] He's just a confused old man.

Speaker 1:
[26:22] You're right. The door did hear you say Herb, but you saved it by saying, I don't know who Herb is. But now that name is in the door's mind.

Speaker 5:
[26:29] Well, I'm tired of scrap and wreckage calling me Herb. Who the hell is Herb? What's that short for? Herbal?

Speaker 6:
[26:40] That's the nickname.

Speaker 5:
[26:40] That'd be ridiculous.

Speaker 1:
[26:41] Herbal orders.

Speaker 6:
[26:42] That's the nickname we gave you because you smoke so much Herb.

Speaker 5:
[26:47] Yes. Oh, yes.

Speaker 6:
[26:49] That's why we call you Herb.

Speaker 1:
[26:50] Both of you will deception. If you both succeed, Doory will believe us.

Speaker 3:
[26:54] Doory the Door?

Speaker 5:
[26:55] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[26:57] Finding Doory episode name.

Speaker 6:
[26:58] Ooh, a 16.

Speaker 5:
[27:00] I got a 21.

Speaker 6:
[27:01] Whoa! All right, herbs clear.

Speaker 1:
[27:04] Doory very much believes that Bloater is unfairly referred to as Herb by many people among the gallery.

Speaker 6:
[27:09] And Dave, you know your real name's Ashley.

Speaker 1:
[27:11] I'll put you in the role. Your real name's Ashley. This whole ass of grass is coming down and you're not going to succeed this one.

Speaker 5:
[27:18] And we call you Ashley because you're always, once I smoke the herb, you're putting out the ashes.

Speaker 6:
[27:26] Oh, that's one way to say it. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[27:28] Are you going to, you really want to do this?

Speaker 6:
[27:30] No, let's be real. It's like, we're your friends so we can call you by your given name, but you're a little bit sexist and you said nobody would go to a store called Ashley and Bloater's. So you gotta put a guy's name on it.

Speaker 1:
[27:40] All right, what are you going to say to that, Ashley?

Speaker 6:
[27:45] I'm piloting the ship.

Speaker 1:
[27:46] All right, great.

Speaker 7:
[27:47] I'm piloting the ship. What are you guys talking about?

Speaker 1:
[27:50] So Matt, you get to roll deception with disadvantage.

Speaker 6:
[27:52] God damn it.

Speaker 7:
[27:54] What?

Speaker 6:
[27:55] Is there like a mechanic where you get to keep the better of the two?

Speaker 1:
[27:57] Yeah, it's called advantage. The opposite of what I gave you.

Speaker 6:
[28:01] I got 21 and I got a nine.

Speaker 1:
[28:04] Okay, so you hear from outside.

Speaker 4:
[28:11] Hello, Dory, it sounds like you're having doubts. Can I talk to you?

Speaker 7:
[28:14] I would like to speak to my good friend, Blooder.

Speaker 5:
[28:19] Dory, what's up?

Speaker 7:
[28:22] Keep your voice down. But I think that perhaps there are liars. How old do you know Dave?

Speaker 5:
[28:33] Dave and I go way, way, way, way, way back. Look how old I am. I've known him for years.

Speaker 6:
[28:39] You've known him when he was named Ashley.

Speaker 7:
[28:42] That's the thing, is they said his name is Ashley, and then he didn't respond. Wait, wait, am I? It didn't seem like a deadname situation, so I'm really curious as to why that happened. Boy, I hope I'm not being lied to. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I was being lied to. Why do we put him?

Speaker 3:
[29:12] Why do we put the door on the ship? What are we thinking?

Speaker 4:
[29:20] Ralph is very carefully getting into a spacesuit, just just really putting a spacesuit on right now.

Speaker 5:
[29:28] Doory, look at my face.

Speaker 7:
[29:30] I can't. I'm feeling out warm. Did you just drive it to me?

Speaker 5:
[29:35] Yeah. It's real, like, soulful. And I've got these deep, throw eyes that just kind of look at you like I can see your whole past and future. And it's not the face of somebody who would lie to you.

Speaker 1:
[29:48] All right. Roll deception. Just straight up.

Speaker 5:
[29:51] Please, God. 18, fuck yes.

Speaker 7:
[29:56] Okay, interesting that Ms. Davison says is. I'm just so confused, but that's okay, because I'm so happy to have Bloater and Dave inside me.

Speaker 5:
[30:07] Yeah, and there's no need to be confused. You know, Dave used to be called Ashley, and sometimes that happens, and that's fine.

Speaker 7:
[30:13] Yeah, when somebody says the other name, I'll just assume it's Dave or Bloater.

Speaker 6:
[30:17] I guess if he can hear and talk to us, he might as well just have him facing inside.

Speaker 5:
[30:23] Well, that's a good point, Dale.

Speaker 3:
[30:26] We'll fix that at the next port.

Speaker 7:
[30:27] You have to be really close to the door in here.

Speaker 5:
[30:29] Oh, wait. No, we can't have Doory face it inside, because then we'd see her knockers.

Speaker 7:
[30:36] Oh, Herb.

Speaker 1:
[30:38] So the door laughs really hard. And I'm going to give it a roll to see if it can maintain its composure as it laughs at it.

Speaker 3:
[30:45] Oh, it maintains its seal on incontinence check.

Speaker 1:
[30:47] 17. So yeah, it begins to open up for a second, and as oxygen begins to get sucked out, it's going like, ha ha ha.

Speaker 3:
[31:00] We're just boiling with death. But it manages to keep the seal.

Speaker 1:
[31:03] This is what I'm saying.

Speaker 4:
[31:04] Silicon Valley, do you try to make things smart that don't need to be smart?

Speaker 3:
[31:08] So I believe I was doing a roll to chase, right? The pilot chase?

Speaker 1:
[31:11] We were also talking about if Scrap and Wreckage were there. They were behind you, because you put all your power into your engines, you were going faster than them, and you were outpacing them.

Speaker 6:
[31:18] But they were chasing us, so they'll catch up to us.

Speaker 1:
[31:19] So, yes, you were managing to take care of our door problem.

Speaker 7:
[31:27] Boy, I hope there are no fish sharks out here. I hope they're extra delicious.

Speaker 4:
[31:34] Plus, Wreckage has the taste for blood after eating Roger Moore. Who wants to eat another AI. Corp?

Speaker 6:
[31:40] The most fucking just eating itself blood devices. NPCs kill our other NPC.

Speaker 1:
[31:47] OK, you were chasing. So you head into the dust cloud. Your sensors get fucking. All you can really see is what's through the front windshield, so to speak, the window. Just like a car. And you can see a light glow in front of you that looks like the engines. But then that light moves a little bit erratically, not much, but erratically. And another light appears. The other light is basically the same size and shape as the first light. So as far as you know, either one of them could be the ship that you're looking for. It clearly seems to be some sort of like decoy thing.

Speaker 5:
[32:18] Well, it's like a shell game. The first one is to build confidence. So you always go with the first one because they give it to you easy.

Speaker 6:
[32:25] But they split at the same time.

Speaker 5:
[32:27] What's your idea though?

Speaker 4:
[32:28] So I'm going to see, is there like a sensor array on our ship that I could scan these two different beams with? Does one have neutrinos and the other one's got tachyon particles?

Speaker 1:
[32:38] Roll technology for me.

Speaker 6:
[32:40] Technology.

Speaker 4:
[32:42] What is that, intelligence?

Speaker 1:
[32:43] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[32:43] What did I get with my 10?

Speaker 1:
[32:45] So with a 10, you can't find something that says sensors, but you can at least tell something that is not sensors because you notice a lever that seems to have like a little image of a rocket next to it. So that's probably not sensors at the very least, but you haven't found something definitive yet.

Speaker 4:
[32:59] I'm going to take out my Sharpie that I keep on me in case a teen sex fan comes up and wants an autograph.

Speaker 1:
[33:05] I was going to keep that thing on me.

Speaker 4:
[33:06] Hasn't happened yet, but someday. And I write guns on that. So we know that that's like a gun probably.

Speaker 6:
[33:14] Great.

Speaker 3:
[33:14] Ralph, it's pretty self-explanatory.

Speaker 2:
[33:16] Well, be that as it may.

Speaker 6:
[33:18] Can I have a real perception? What we're seeing is we're seeing like the light from the engine.

Speaker 5:
[33:21] The rocket and the rocket's red glare.

Speaker 6:
[33:23] Yes, and the red glare split into two.

Speaker 4:
[33:25] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[33:26] My perception was a nine. Okay, so that's not going to be helpful.

Speaker 1:
[33:29] Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 4:
[33:29] Can we hail them? Can we hail the other ship?

Speaker 1:
[33:31] Give me another technology role or software interface or something like that. But don't you have some shit like that?

Speaker 4:
[33:36] I got a two.

Speaker 6:
[33:38] How do space sharks track wreckage?

Speaker 1:
[33:42] The time to ask that would have been when you were not in a dust cloud, I would argue.

Speaker 3:
[33:45] Now, the dust cloud, is it like fogging up the windshield? Is there a windshield wiper?

Speaker 1:
[33:49] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[33:50] I'd like to turn on the windshield wipers. Now, with the increased visibility. I will now squint at the two ships. You gotta do it in a certain order of events.

Speaker 1:
[34:01] I will give you plus two to whatever your role is for perception.

Speaker 3:
[34:04] Six.

Speaker 1:
[34:05] Great.

Speaker 4:
[34:06] Six. The drone is still following one of them. Yeah. So we follow the one the drone isn't following.

Speaker 3:
[34:10] We follow the one the drone isn't following.

Speaker 4:
[34:12] So that way, we don't lose either of them.

Speaker 6:
[34:14] Oh, cool.

Speaker 3:
[34:14] That's clever.

Speaker 6:
[34:15] So can we tell which one has the drone on it?

Speaker 1:
[34:17] That's the question. Roll technology.

Speaker 3:
[34:19] I will roll technology. It's my drone. 13 plus 2, 15.

Speaker 1:
[34:23] Okay. So with the 15, yeah, you can still tell which of these ships has the drone on it. And it is the very first one that jiggled all weirdly. The other one is beginning to diverge course. Are you going to follow that one?

Speaker 3:
[34:37] I will take Ralph's good advice, good advice, buddy. And I'm going to turn.

Speaker 6:
[34:42] I mean, it's not good though if the one that has the drone and it has Lila. Okay, well, what do you want to do then? I mean, I just feel like we saw Lila. We can have Scrap and Wreckage chase the other one down.

Speaker 4:
[34:51] As far as I see it, we have two options. We can follow the original ship. Maybe this other one is just some sort of holographic doodad, some sort of delusion, or maybe it's an escape pod and the original ship is empty and a decoy.

Speaker 6:
[35:03] Maybe she fought her way out.

Speaker 4:
[35:04] Maybe she fought her way out.

Speaker 6:
[35:05] You're right, maybe she fought her way out. You're right.

Speaker 4:
[35:07] So we could hunt our bets or we could go all in or we could have Scrap and Wreckage but then we might lose the D-O-O-R.

Speaker 6:
[35:12] Ralph, Ashley, my granddaughter's life is in your hands, you choose. But you're the smart ones, you write this stuff and you're...

Speaker 3:
[35:20] First of all, I go by Dale now. I go by Dale now.

Speaker 5:
[35:24] No, Dave.

Speaker 6:
[35:25] Dave. Uh-oh, I'm Dale.

Speaker 5:
[35:26] Oh no.

Speaker 7:
[35:28] It's okay, I believe that everything's fine. Cause my good friend Bloater told me so.

Speaker 5:
[35:33] I was in this exact scenario once and I used a special power, so to speak, called the Force to like kind of like just know which one it was.

Speaker 6:
[35:44] What is it?

Speaker 4:
[35:45] Oh, I'm gonna try to use the Force. Okay, can I just do a raw dog wisdom roll?

Speaker 1:
[35:51] Yeah, give me the Arcana roll.

Speaker 3:
[35:52] Arcana, that's offensive.

Speaker 6:
[35:54] Yeah, I mean also with Medichlorians, it's definitely more like a nature roll.

Speaker 4:
[35:57] I'm just, I would like to make a wisdom roll. Ralph is going to close his eyes. Ralph is secretly, ever since he saw Star Wars, hoped that the Force was real and figured that...

Speaker 5:
[36:07] It is man, it happened to me.

Speaker 6:
[36:08] He only watched Rise of Skywalker, that's the only way to see it.

Speaker 1:
[36:11] He saw Star Wars, Rise of Skywalker.

Speaker 4:
[36:13] He figured that if the Force was real, he'd be the type of guy who would be able to do it. So he closes his eyes and he's just like, oh, Cosmos speak through me. He rolls.

Speaker 1:
[36:22] The confidence in Star Wars life.

Speaker 4:
[36:24] I got a 13.

Speaker 1:
[36:26] So with the 13, you see an image of your dead wife for a second. You don't know if it's like a Force ghost or if you're just thinking about her.

Speaker 4:
[36:33] Cookie?

Speaker 2:
[36:34] Well, Cookie, what should I do?

Speaker 4:
[36:35] Which one, Cookie?

Speaker 2:
[36:36] Guide me.

Speaker 4:
[36:37] You're the better writer, you're the better friend, you're the better person, you're the better spouse, just what should I do? Everyone's counting on me.

Speaker 1:
[36:44] And she smiles.

Speaker 4:
[36:45] Yeah, what does she do? What does she do in my head?

Speaker 1:
[36:47] And she does a backflip over Darth Maul. She initially looks like the older version of herself when she died that you loved, but you see her as she morphs into her younger self. Sort of a Hayden Christensen to the other guy. And she says, I don't know.

Speaker 4:
[37:06] Ralph opens his eyes and says, let's go with plan Ralph, follow the other one.

Speaker 6:
[37:11] Oh, okay. Oh God, Laila.

Speaker 1:
[37:14] So you follow the-

Speaker 6:
[37:14] Oh, she's fine.

Speaker 1:
[37:15] You follow the other one and see the other-

Speaker 6:
[37:17] She's a strong girl.

Speaker 1:
[37:18] You see the other light disappear into the fog of the dust. And after about five minutes of following this other one, you manage to break through the dust cloud. And you see that what you've been following looks to be simply an engine on its own with some sort of transponder, something attached to it. It looks to be a decoy.

Speaker 6:
[37:45] You know what, I should have made the decision you guys did a good job.

Speaker 4:
[37:49] Oh, oh God, okay, all right.

Speaker 6:
[37:51] I always knew when you have enough grandkids, at some point, you will lose one.

Speaker 3:
[37:57] Whoa, that's dark as shit!

Speaker 4:
[37:58] We haven't lost her yet, we still got the, do we still have the signal from the, okay.

Speaker 6:
[38:02] I'm not saying we've given up, I'm just calming myself down.

Speaker 1:
[38:06] By acknowledging that my grandkids might die.

Speaker 6:
[38:09] Things could be worse, I could have lost multiple. Look, it could have been better, we could have gone the way I wanted to go, but we didn't, why?

Speaker 4:
[38:16] Stay present focused.

Speaker 6:
[38:16] I am present, why did you slap me?

Speaker 4:
[38:18] Because you're talking about your grandkid being dead?

Speaker 6:
[38:20] No, not dead, I'm just saying we lost her, we did, so now we gotta go find her.

Speaker 4:
[38:23] Okay.

Speaker 5:
[38:24] Easy.

Speaker 4:
[38:24] Is there like a tractor beam on board we could tow this engine with us, and then like, I don't know, turn it on, and then use it like a chariot to scoot around the galaxy if it's faster than our ship?

Speaker 3:
[38:32] It's cool as hell.

Speaker 1:
[38:33] Would a ship this small have a tractor beam worth a damn? I don't think so.

Speaker 3:
[38:37] What about a big claw?

Speaker 1:
[38:38] A big claw I would buy, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[38:40] Ooh, yeah, can we grab it with a claw?

Speaker 1:
[38:41] All right, you're going to have to spend a software or a piloting check. Maybe both. Let's do both.

Speaker 5:
[38:48] You know, I lost over $500,000 on the claw machine.

Speaker 6:
[38:54] Sorry. What?

Speaker 3:
[38:55] Wait, what claw machine?

Speaker 5:
[38:57] Oh, just like various claw machines outside grocery stores.

Speaker 3:
[39:02] Just total, you're down $500,000.

Speaker 6:
[39:05] How much is each attempt?

Speaker 5:
[39:06] A quarter.

Speaker 6:
[39:08] OK, so you did this a million.

Speaker 5:
[39:09] Sometimes $0.50, to be fair.

Speaker 6:
[39:11] OK, so best case scenario, you did this a million times. Let's all understand this. You did this a million times.

Speaker 5:
[39:17] No, no, well, to be fair.

Speaker 6:
[39:18] So even if it was, even if you took 10 seconds per time.

Speaker 1:
[39:22] The drone feed goes dead. The DJI drone feed goes dead.

Speaker 4:
[39:26] Oh, no. What? The DJI feed?

Speaker 5:
[39:28] I did get a plushie. I got a plushie SpongeBob once.

Speaker 4:
[39:32] OK, guys, focus.

Speaker 6:
[39:33] I said we had to just go.

Speaker 4:
[39:35] I'm going to.

Speaker 6:
[39:36] You guys are looking at a tiny engine, the tiniest. I love you guys, but like the battery's gone. It's a tiny engine that could even make it this far. Why would you even talk about strapping it to our spaceship? You guys are looking at like a broken bike. We're on a cruise ship. You're like, oh, maybe we should get that tire.

Speaker 4:
[39:52] We can still pick up the scent. Let's go. All right.

Speaker 6:
[39:54] Let's just go in the direction that we last saw.

Speaker 4:
[39:56] We're going the engine.

Speaker 1:
[39:56] One last piloting check for me, please.

Speaker 3:
[39:58] No problem. Don't worry, Dale. Ten plus zero, ten.

Speaker 1:
[40:03] Your initial thought is like, oh, we'll just head in the same direction we were going and follow the drone that way. But you get lost pretty immediately upon getting into the storm because you now have three directions of movement in which to get lost.

Speaker 5:
[40:14] I haven't seen a dust storm this bad since I was riding my horse Hidalgo.

Speaker 3:
[40:20] Is there a dust storm in that movie?

Speaker 5:
[40:21] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[40:22] Yeah. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing? Somehow that completely short-circuited my brain the word Hidalgo. Hidalgo's here. I think it's been mentioned and... Hidalgo's horse has stopped me the fuck dead.

Speaker 6:
[40:35] It's my bad. It's the first time her story has the name of the movie in it, which makes it feel different. Makes it feel like you should know now.

Speaker 1:
[40:45] So yeah, you get a little bit lost, but you do manage to come out at the correct side of the dust cloud. And while you don't manage to get the feedback from the drone, you do see that in the area you are, there's not a ton of stuff that doesn't look like just more wreckage and or scrap, except for there looks to be two orbs, almost like little moons.

Speaker 6:
[41:09] Are they moons?

Speaker 1:
[41:10] You don't know from this distance.

Speaker 6:
[41:11] That's no moon.

Speaker 1:
[41:13] Yeah, you're at the part before they say that's a moon, where you don't know because it could be a moon.

Speaker 6:
[41:16] Because there are two orbs.

Speaker 1:
[41:17] And they are connected by some sort of scaffolding or something like that, and they are rotating around each other, spinning.

Speaker 3:
[41:23] It's like a barbell.

Speaker 1:
[41:24] Yeah, it kind of looks like a barbell, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[41:25] Where is this?

Speaker 1:
[41:26] This is in front of me.

Speaker 3:
[41:27] In space.

Speaker 1:
[41:28] In space.

Speaker 4:
[41:28] We don't know how far away it is.

Speaker 6:
[41:30] That's the closest thing we can see.

Speaker 1:
[41:31] That is the closest thing you can see. And your sensors go back on, so you now know how far away it is.

Speaker 3:
[41:35] So from this distance, it looks like a barbell piercing, but if we get closer, it'll look like a barbell. Yes.

Speaker 6:
[41:40] Is there any evidence of the ship now? We lost the track of the DJI drone. Is the app working? Do we know anything?

Speaker 3:
[41:47] Let me refresh the app.

Speaker 4:
[41:48] Okay, I'm gonna roll again to see if I can finally find the fucking sensors. Oh, I got an 18. Whatever we were using to boost the engines, if we can shift all power to the sensors, to do a long range sensor sweep. Smart Ralph.

Speaker 1:
[42:01] We'll say you have sensors as well. Okay, that's cool.

Speaker 3:
[42:03] I'm turning into a little bit of a Star Trek race situation. Engineer, scan sensors.

Speaker 1:
[42:09] All right, sensors are good. If you turn off life support for a bit, I'll give you full advantage.

Speaker 4:
[42:14] Okay, everybody hold your breath. Oh, that's easy.

Speaker 1:
[42:16] Everybody's gonna have to roll Constitution.

Speaker 6:
[42:17] Yeah, no, I deep dive.

Speaker 1:
[42:19] Roll Constitution to see if you can manage to hold your breath. Okay, great.

Speaker 4:
[42:23] Natural 20.

Speaker 1:
[42:24] Okay.

Speaker 6:
[42:25] Ooh, non-natural 20. Ooh, what? That's fine.

Speaker 5:
[42:29] A nine.

Speaker 1:
[42:30] Okay, so you all see her.

Speaker 4:
[42:31] Someone's got to kiss her and share their oxygen with them.

Speaker 1:
[42:34] So yes, while Herb begins to suffocate, you see through the sensors that you haven't rolled for yet, have you?

Speaker 4:
[42:40] No.

Speaker 1:
[42:41] Yeah, go ahead and roll for it, please.

Speaker 4:
[42:42] Is it technology again? I just feel like there's a lot of space stuff, and I've got a bad roll.

Speaker 1:
[42:47] No, there's data, too. Roll data.

Speaker 6:
[42:48] You should have been like a scientist then, and not a writer, Will.

Speaker 4:
[42:51] I was like, I'm finally going to be a character with high charisma, and now it's not a charisma-based meta. It's an intelligence-based meta, the first time in our fucking show.

Speaker 1:
[42:59] So right now I'm going to say data is wisdom.

Speaker 4:
[43:01] Wisdom? Oh, okay, that's great. Then I can do a wisdom with advantage, right?

Speaker 1:
[43:04] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[43:05] Okay, I got a 17.

Speaker 1:
[43:06] So with a 17, you can tell that the fusion trail left by the ship that you were chasing does lead to this barbell, essentially. You cannot tell exactly where on the barbell it landed, but you know it's definitely docked somewhere on whatever.

Speaker 4:
[43:21] Oh shit, so this is a big thing.

Speaker 1:
[43:23] It seems to be pretty big.

Speaker 4:
[43:24] Okay, I turn the life support back on.

Speaker 6:
[43:27] How's Ralph?

Speaker 4:
[43:28] I mean, how's Ralph?

Speaker 1:
[43:28] I'm Ralph. How's Herb going to take a D4 of damage?

Speaker 7:
[43:31] Oh, man.

Speaker 6:
[43:32] I do like that this is like playing hide and go seek with a kid and they're like, look over there. And you look and when you went back, there's just like one tree in a park. Where could they have gone?

Speaker 7:
[43:42] One.

Speaker 1:
[43:43] Okay, not so bad.

Speaker 4:
[43:45] Their ship went that way. They went to the thing.

Speaker 1:
[43:46] All right.

Speaker 3:
[43:47] Set course for Barbell. Normal shields, engines, distribution. We got to be ready for anything.

Speaker 1:
[43:54] It takes a second for the power to get back to the engines and the shield. So you can't just be like, all of this, all of this. And there's no downside to it. So it takes a bit.

Speaker 6:
[44:01] At any point, does the screen of the DJI come back on?

Speaker 1:
[44:04] As you get closer, it gets a little bit staticky. And at the same time it does, you see a heads up display appear on the windshield. And depending on what the pilot looks at, you'll get a little overlay for that thing. It seems to be tracking the pilot, in this case, Ashley's eyes. And when you look at one of the orbs says Waller Mating Station. Waller. The other orb says FEE-B Hatching Station. FEE-B? FEE-B Hatching Station.

Speaker 4:
[44:39] Oh, it's a Phoebe Waller bridge joke.

Speaker 1:
[44:41] Yep, you got it. Nice. Terrible. Yes. Where do you want to land? Do you want to land on Phoebe or Waller?

Speaker 5:
[44:48] I don't know about you guys, but... I'd rather go to the mating station.

Speaker 6:
[44:56] Why would they bring Lila here? Oh, maybe it's just a good place to hide out. I mean... It seems like it.

Speaker 2:
[45:02] That's why they got mating going on.

Speaker 6:
[45:04] Oh, why don't we go to the bridge?

Speaker 4:
[45:05] Can we land in the bridge?

Speaker 6:
[45:06] Yeah, in between the two of them.

Speaker 7:
[45:07] Sure.

Speaker 1:
[45:07] There's docking ports on either side of the bridge.

Speaker 4:
[45:09] Yeah, we spoke the difference.

Speaker 6:
[45:10] Yeah, we got a little amped up in the dust cloud, but in general, I find if you just go where you need to go and ask people questions, you'll find out.

Speaker 1:
[45:18] So you dock with the Phoebe Waller bridge and your door, Dory, goes, Oh, boy, you guys, there's a lot of toxic gas in here.

Speaker 7:
[45:29] I hope you have space suits.

Speaker 6:
[45:30] Oh, that's helpful. Thank you.

Speaker 4:
[45:32] See, do we have space suits?

Speaker 1:
[45:33] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[45:34] Oh, great.

Speaker 5:
[45:34] Oh, I'm going to put my space suit on. Oh, wow. I look great in this.

Speaker 1:
[45:37] I will say, though, these space suits, because again, this is for a small, shitty ship, they don't seem to be like super strong.

Speaker 5:
[45:44] Hey, neither am I.

Speaker 1:
[45:45] A sufficiently stanky hit to the.

Speaker 4:
[45:48] Oh, we'll puncture the space suit.

Speaker 1:
[45:49] We'll puncture the space suit. Ooh, all right.

Speaker 4:
[45:51] Careful, boys.

Speaker 2:
[45:51] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[45:52] Why don't we just open the door? You know, when you ever blow up a bathroom, you just leave the door open for a while, you air it out. Why don't we just open the door over into the bridge and just kind of air it out.

Speaker 2:
[46:04] Wait.

Speaker 6:
[46:05] Okay. Now I hear it, because they don't understand. Wait, wait, you're saying to air out our ship. No, their ship. Their ship. Their ship.

Speaker 3:
[46:11] We're connected to the thing, but the airlock has two doors, right?

Speaker 6:
[46:13] It's our door, but the two options aren't oxygen. The two options are either it's full of toxic stuff or the vacuum of space.

Speaker 3:
[46:20] Well, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[46:21] Oh, you're saying.

Speaker 3:
[46:22] Wouldn't you rather deal with the fragile space?

Speaker 1:
[46:23] You can get rid of all of the toxins.

Speaker 3:
[46:25] You get rid of all the toxins.

Speaker 4:
[46:26] Well, we don't know what's generating the toxins. Yeah, we also don't know. Although, you know, we could do.

Speaker 6:
[46:29] We could just kill everybody on the ship because they clearly breathe that.

Speaker 4:
[46:32] Here's what we do.

Speaker 6:
[46:33] We die either way. We get punctured.

Speaker 4:
[46:34] Here's what we do. We dock with the thing. We have a life support system, right? So we get into our spacesuits. So we have oxygen. We open the door. We let all of the toxic air come in and get filtered by our life support system. And then it'll filter it all back out to oxygen. You know what I mean?

Speaker 5:
[46:53] I don't know if that's right for breeze into the bowl right before you go.

Speaker 1:
[46:59] Yeah, I think what you're suggesting is if like I sprayed for breeze in my car door and then open it up to this warehouse, it was like eventually it's all going to be for breeze.

Speaker 4:
[47:08] Look, all the air is eventually going to cycle through. How big is the space station compared to our ship?

Speaker 1:
[47:12] Very big.

Speaker 4:
[47:12] Okay, then never mind.

Speaker 6:
[47:13] And it's the problem the other way we need a spacesuit, right?

Speaker 1:
[47:16] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[47:16] So I listen to you guys the first time, but can we just go out?

Speaker 5:
[47:20] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[47:20] We got to put a spacesuit on and walk outside.

Speaker 1:
[47:22] We put on spacesuits and walk into the poison cloud.

Speaker 6:
[47:24] I don't want to kill everybody in this station.

Speaker 3:
[47:26] You wouldn't kill everyone for your granddaughter.

Speaker 5:
[47:28] Does our spacesuits have names on them?

Speaker 1:
[47:31] No. Oh.

Speaker 4:
[47:33] Oh, this is good so that we can all recognize each other in case we lose comms.

Speaker 1:
[47:36] And I write Dave on my spacesuit.

Speaker 4:
[47:40] Dave Bloater.

Speaker 5:
[47:41] Bloater.

Speaker 4:
[47:42] Your name is, remind me, Dale. Dale.

Speaker 6:
[47:45] Can we put a little parentheses under Dave and put Ashley just so we remember because it was going to have a hard time remembering who Dave is.

Speaker 5:
[47:52] And then under mine, will you put parentheses Herb and then parentheses The Worm?

Speaker 4:
[47:58] Very well.

Speaker 3:
[47:59] Hey Herb, where's the worm come from?

Speaker 5:
[48:03] You'll see, buddy.

Speaker 4:
[48:05] And with that, we all venture into this shit.

Speaker 3:
[48:08] the right stuff.

Speaker 6:
[48:09] Is this a ZOG?

Speaker 4:
[48:10] Hissing noises, like.

Speaker 6:
[48:12] Bye, Doory.

Speaker 7:
[48:13] Oh, I want to miss you so bad, but I get to watch you leave.

Speaker 5:
[48:19] That's nice.

Speaker 1:
[48:20] So yes, Doory opens up. There is an airlock separating your ship from the VB Waller bridge. Door closes behind you. You see the door mouth. You can't hear because it's in the vacuum of space now, but it seems to mouth.

Speaker 6:
[48:30] Wait, okay, wait, then it was as in, what does Doory look like? What do you mean mouth? What does Doory look like? What did we take on our ship?

Speaker 3:
[48:37] I was a cylinder. I was just a cylinder.

Speaker 6:
[48:39] Is it like the knocker in the Muppet Christmas Carol? Is that what it is?

Speaker 1:
[48:45] Yes, it is the Stadler and Waldorf knocker from a Muppet Christmas Carol and has a horrible face.

Speaker 4:
[48:50] Oh my God. I'm looking at this thing that's so good.

Speaker 1:
[48:54] Yes, so that is staring back at you mouthing something you can't quite make out, but when the door opens in front of you, you find the A. Yes, you are in Zero G.

Speaker 4:
[49:01] I never realized that, as I don't know if it's Waldorf or Stadler's chin, it's just balls, dude.

Speaker 1:
[49:06] Balls, dude.

Speaker 4:
[49:07] So it opens, so you were doing your job. Go and do your job.

Speaker 1:
[49:12] You interrupted me doing my job to tell me to do my job.

Speaker 4:
[49:16] I interrupted me interrupting you to tell me to do my job.

Speaker 1:
[49:18] Okay, so you enter what looks to be a tube that connects the two planetoids, or actually, as you got close, you could see they are, in fact, moons. You see the bridge that connects the two is about the size of a subway tunnel.

Speaker 6:
[49:30] Okay.

Speaker 1:
[49:31] So you can move pretty easily in either direction, and other people are coming the opposite way. It's a little bit cramped. It's a little bit... Oh, there's people.

Speaker 6:
[49:37] Whoa, what do they look like?

Speaker 1:
[49:38] Yes. So you see a lot of humanoids that are in spacesuits like you, and then you see some squids that are not in suits like you at all. And the ones headed from Waller to Phoebe are holding what look to be some sort of protective container that's translucent. It looks like an egg. Yep. And it looks to be...

Speaker 6:
[50:01] You guys are about to commit mass murder. Like, you guys are one second away from venting out...

Speaker 1:
[50:07] I really wish you had done it. I was hoping you were going to do it...

Speaker 6:
[50:09] .people with babies.

Speaker 1:
[50:11] So yes, everybody's taking eggs towards Phoebe.

Speaker 6:
[50:15] So people are doing it over there.

Speaker 1:
[50:17] Everyone stops for a second.

Speaker 4:
[50:18] Take the babies over here.

Speaker 6:
[50:19] And then the eggs come out fast, I guess.

Speaker 5:
[50:21] Yeah, I changed my mind. I can't lay eggs, man.

Speaker 6:
[50:23] Well, I mean, yeah, OK.

Speaker 5:
[50:26] I don't know if I want to go to a meeting anymore.

Speaker 6:
[50:28] OK. What do you hatch?

Speaker 5:
[50:30] I can't do any of that stuff.

Speaker 6:
[50:31] I don't know.

Speaker 4:
[50:32] You could fertilize the...

Speaker 3:
[50:33] Lila!

Speaker 1:
[50:36] You shout into your spacesuit.

Speaker 6:
[50:38] Oh, shoot.

Speaker 3:
[50:39] Blend in, guys.

Speaker 1:
[50:40] You have a speaker on your thing. So if you want to project that out to everybody.

Speaker 6:
[50:43] I've seen a girl named Lila.

Speaker 1:
[50:45] You are surrounded by...

Speaker 6:
[50:45] Oh, wait, no, I shouldn't do that.

Speaker 1:
[50:47] In this tunnel, you see about, I want to say, 30, 35 people. They spot you and simultaneously every single person, creature, any life form in this hallway, in this tunnel.

Speaker 6:
[50:57] Even the bugs?

Speaker 1:
[50:58] Even the bugs, especially the bugs. Even the space bugs? We do a crash, we crash you by the space bug and he goes, he's looking at the camera. All of them turn to look at you, Dale. And if one voice simultaneously, it's not one voice, simultaneously all these different voices, make it safe for the edit. All these voices simultaneously turn and look at you and they say, hello, Dale.

Speaker 7:
[51:22] Oh. Oh.

Speaker 6:
[51:23] I think this whole station is a hive, this is a hive mine, right? What's their name? What's their name?

Speaker 4:
[51:28] The Luminous.

Speaker 6:
[51:28] The Luminous.

Speaker 4:
[51:29] Are they a hive mine?

Speaker 6:
[51:30] They're a hive mine.

Speaker 1:
[51:31] I don't know.

Speaker 6:
[51:32] We, bye.

Speaker 1:
[51:33] And they start walking towards you with their arms outstretched and you see their hands beginning to kind of liquefy and gelify in the same way that the people who grabbed Lila in the first place did.

Speaker 6:
[51:43] All right, I'm gonna scoot back to our ship.

Speaker 4:
[51:45] He's gonna scoot back to the ship.

Speaker 6:
[51:46] I'm sorry, guys. I got...

Speaker 4:
[51:47] Just kidding.

Speaker 6:
[51:48] I wasn't being careful.

Speaker 5:
[51:49] Dale misspoke. He said, have you heard the song Hey There, Delilah? It's a good song. And we were wondering if anybody knows how to play it here.

Speaker 6:
[51:58] I want to scoot back to the ship.

Speaker 1:
[51:59] You have one moment to do one thing.

Speaker 6:
[52:00] We should get back to the ship and talk somewhere else, try a different entrance. It's a big place. Yeah, this is...

Speaker 1:
[52:05] We immediately scoot back into the ship. Yeah, we were hot.

Speaker 6:
[52:08] We ran into the stork troopers.

Speaker 1:
[52:08] You have to wait for the airlock to cycle, because I mentioned there was an airlock cycle sequence. So you press the button, the airlock opens on your side, and presumably you float into the airlock, and are jamming the closed elevator door button.

Speaker 6:
[52:20] Any door doors have ever closed faster this time?

Speaker 1:
[52:22] This is the door for the bridge.

Speaker 4:
[52:23] I talked to that door.

Speaker 5:
[52:24] Yeah, I talked to that door.

Speaker 3:
[52:29] Doors! Doors!

Speaker 1:
[52:30] Doors!

Speaker 6:
[52:30] Hey, you didn't say this one's a normal door.

Speaker 1:
[52:32] I could.

Speaker 3:
[52:34] But this is space.

Speaker 1:
[52:34] If I wanted to be a normal DM.

Speaker 5:
[52:37] A normal door, ah, she's shy.

Speaker 3:
[52:43] Uh, what?

Speaker 4:
[52:44] Hey.

Speaker 1:
[52:45] Yes?

Speaker 4:
[52:45] Can you close real quick? We're in trouble, we need you to close.

Speaker 1:
[52:48] Uh, I can close only at my pre-determined speed. If I go faster, there may be damage to my servos.

Speaker 4:
[52:54] We need you to risk that. I'm Jean-Pierre Baguette, and I'm the man.

Speaker 5:
[53:00] I take the Sharpie and write it on his desk.

Speaker 4:
[53:05] So, 13.

Speaker 1:
[53:06] I'm going to have it roll in sight in response. 11.

Speaker 4:
[53:09] Okay.

Speaker 1:
[53:10] So, it goes, whee, and begins to close a little bit faster, and it goes, whee, and it goes, whee. One of the people holding an egg very gently lets go of the egg, and it sort of floats around in space, grabs the bulkhead, and then launches itself at the slowly closing door.

Speaker 6:
[53:27] So, they're flying zero gravity.

Speaker 1:
[53:28] Yes, you were also when you went out there.

Speaker 6:
[53:30] Yeah, but we're inside the airlock?

Speaker 1:
[53:32] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[53:32] Dale wants to, like, he can grab onto the wall or whatever, right?

Speaker 1:
[53:35] Yeah, of course.

Speaker 6:
[53:35] Okay, he's gonna kick it back. They don't have any strength.

Speaker 1:
[53:39] That's interesting.

Speaker 6:
[53:40] We're not gonna fall for the same science flaw that gravity has when George Clooney stops her, and it's like they're still gravity pulling at him, and it makes no sense, because, like, the moment the tether would have hit, he would have been coming right back. It makes no sense, and I love gravity, so I'm just saying that I'm kicking them back.

Speaker 1:
[53:57] Okay, give me a melee attack, Ralph. Ding!

Speaker 6:
[53:59] I'm not trying to do damage, I'm literally just trying to.

Speaker 1:
[54:01] No, but your kick still has to connect.

Speaker 6:
[54:03] Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1:
[54:04] This guy thinks that he could just kick, not connect.

Speaker 4:
[54:08] This D&D player thinks he could say this C word.

Speaker 6:
[54:12] 19 plus hit DC is what you add, right?

Speaker 1:
[54:15] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[54:15] Yeah, so 24.

Speaker 1:
[54:16] Okay, wow, okay, so yeah, you very easily punt this thing back out the fucking airlock before it can even find purchase with its hands on the walls or anything like that.

Speaker 6:
[54:26] I guess Lila's not here, we're just gonna go to another star system.

Speaker 1:
[54:29] It manages to latch on with its fingies, but the door closes on them and just squashes them and seems to cut them off. And they turn into that same sort of pink flesh colored liquid.

Speaker 6:
[54:38] All right, guys, put in something tight, don't let it out anywhere.

Speaker 5:
[54:41] Yeah, we got to be careful with that stuff.

Speaker 6:
[54:43] Just don't put in our ship, I guess, because we're still in the airlock.

Speaker 4:
[54:45] Don't lick it.

Speaker 7:
[54:45] Well, guys, that was fast.

Speaker 4:
[54:47] Yeah, we couldn't find what we were looking for.

Speaker 6:
[54:50] No, I didn't. I called for Lila. I didn't think that the whole ship would be the hive mind person.

Speaker 3:
[54:58] Let's fly to another side of this.

Speaker 6:
[55:00] Yeah, I think we should go. Let's try a different door.

Speaker 1:
[55:02] OK, on Waller or Phoebe or somewhere else along the bridge.

Speaker 4:
[55:06] We have no other information on where the drone went or any of that stuff.

Speaker 1:
[55:09] I'll say you spend some time units scanning the outside of the Phoebe Baller bridge.

Speaker 6:
[55:14] Dropping time units like 10 hours into a JRPG, just landing new mechanics.

Speaker 1:
[55:18] Exactly.

Speaker 6:
[55:19] Oh, we got time units now.

Speaker 1:
[55:20] OK, now just think about Xenonauts. But you can spend time flying around the ship, trying to find by sight the ship that you saw leaving Davin Bloaters.

Speaker 6:
[55:30] Because we don't have GPS anymore on it.

Speaker 1:
[55:32] The drone, yeah, they probably sloshed it off when they landed and realized like, oh, there's something connected to our hull.

Speaker 6:
[55:35] I'm sorry about your drone. Oh, it's...

Speaker 1:
[55:39] Yeah, you can look at the feed and it's just kind of spitting. You're like the...

Speaker 4:
[55:44] You're a gadget, you're probably building a new one, dude.

Speaker 6:
[55:46] It's a warranty.

Speaker 1:
[55:48] You're like the rancor keeper in Return of the Jedi.

Speaker 6:
[55:53] Yeah, flip a coin.

Speaker 4:
[55:54] Flip a coin, here we go.

Speaker 1:
[55:55] Well, you also have multiple things you can do. Are you going to go to one of the other ports at random, or are you going to spend a not-insignificant amount of time scanning the outside of the ship to see where that ship docked?

Speaker 4:
[56:04] This is important, and again, it's only been a couple of seconds. Do we get the sense that any alarms have been tripped, or are there other ships looking for us now?

Speaker 1:
[56:11] Nothing you could tell.

Speaker 5:
[56:12] I vote we spend time looking.

Speaker 4:
[56:15] Yeah, this is a big place.

Speaker 1:
[56:17] OK, so you get back into the ship, and the door closes behind you, as Scrap and Wreckage manage to actually catch up to you.

Speaker 6:
[56:24] Scrap, Wreckage.

Speaker 1:
[56:25] So it's kind of distant, but you hear them go, Hey.

Speaker 6:
[56:27] Hey. Oh, they're getting closer. We'll just wait for them. I don't want to yell.

Speaker 1:
[56:37] So you all just got to sit there for about 15 seconds while Scrap and Wreckage get closer, and now they're next to the ship.

Speaker 6:
[56:42] Scrap, Wreckage.

Speaker 3:
[56:43] You tried that tasty piece of Wreckage we left behind there.

Speaker 6:
[56:46] I'm really sorry, everybody. I made a little mistake. I was too excited to call it off for Lila, but I think I got an idea based off all the subterfuge talk you guys were talking about. Yeah. So Scrap, Wreckage. Dale made a little mistake. They know we're looking for Lila in here. I think we just fly away as fast as we can. Right. You guys are talking like engine signature. Like we just fly away. Turn off our engine and can you guys just like swim us around here quietly?

Speaker 7:
[57:10] Like tow you?

Speaker 6:
[57:11] Like, right. It's like a submarine where they go quiet. Oh, U-571.

Speaker 7:
[57:15] If you go.

Speaker 6:
[57:16] That's a good movie. That's a good movie.

Speaker 1:
[57:17] If you go quiet, that means life support. You're aware of that.

Speaker 6:
[57:22] Oh, we'll get in our space. We're already in our spacesuits. We're in spacesuits.

Speaker 1:
[57:25] Oh, great. Okay. Yeah. Cool, Ben. No big deal.

Speaker 3:
[57:26] Delicate spacesuits.

Speaker 6:
[57:28] Punch it. Is that what they say, Ralph, in those books?

Speaker 4:
[57:30] You can kind of say that pretty much in any situation.

Speaker 1:
[57:33] Cool. Punch it. In any situation. Wives giving birth, punch it. Your ship, you put all the Paget Tower into the engines and then you managed to get decently far away from the Phoebe Waller bridge and then you hear, right, could you go, that's probably good right there.

Speaker 6:
[57:50] Before, because we're gonna have to be quiet after this. We're looking for a ship that had Lyle on it. So probably, I know, Herb is off. We don't know what that looks like though. Yeah, who remembers what it looks like? Who can describe, who's the best describer? Well, Ralph, you're a writer. You use words to describe the ship.

Speaker 4:
[58:08] It had a rusty quality to it and it was bulky in a very bulkular way. It was, looked bolted together.

Speaker 1:
[58:17] That's enough, you're belaboring it.

Speaker 6:
[58:18] I know exactly what it looks like now.

Speaker 5:
[58:20] It's like I'm there, man.

Speaker 6:
[58:22] We're at the window looking out.

Speaker 1:
[58:23] So Scrap and Wreckage go up to you on either side, so it's kind of like they're the bun and you're the hot dog and they start flapping their little fins and tails to sort of move you along the outside of the ship while you're...

Speaker 4:
[58:34] Where are they flapping? It's the back of your masterpiece.

Speaker 1:
[58:36] Yeah, I know.

Speaker 4:
[58:37] Sorry, let me give you that line again without a bunch of... Where are they flapping?

Speaker 6:
[58:42] That was important, keep going.

Speaker 1:
[58:43] Keep all this, keep all this.

Speaker 6:
[58:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah, drink it.

Speaker 5:
[58:44] You're almost there, you're almost there.

Speaker 1:
[58:46] Hungry Boy's about to make a joke, everybody. Yeah, again. Just gotta wash that down. Our hungry boy, hungry for laughs and food in equal measure, but one takes precedence over the other in this particular moment. Hungry Boy's laughing.

Speaker 6:
[59:00] Sami's gotta say it's clean, otherwise we don't have an episode. I wanna do a pit cup of this.

Speaker 7:
[59:08] Anthony, what are they laughing at?

Speaker 4:
[59:11] It's a vacuum of space out there.

Speaker 5:
[59:13] Damn, so good.

Speaker 7:
[59:14] Man, that's crazy.

Speaker 5:
[59:14] Get here like one more time.

Speaker 1:
[59:17] They managed to take you around the outside of the ship and you see that the ship seems to be docked at the mating station, the Waller station. And if you want to, they can take you up to a bear lock that's nearest to it.

Speaker 6:
[59:32] Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, guys at the top, whatever they're going to do, Lila in there.

Speaker 5:
[59:36] Okay.

Speaker 6:
[59:36] I'm sorry, we should be quieter.

Speaker 1:
[59:37] Yeah, yeah, it's okay. We're going to pull this. This is bad.

Speaker 6:
[59:42] Have you ever thought about staying like that?

Speaker 5:
[59:44] I like this voice.

Speaker 4:
[59:45] Wreckage, have you met the door?

Speaker 1:
[59:47] Why, you turned off all the power.

Speaker 2:
[59:49] So even if I did, I wouldn't be able to talk to him.

Speaker 1:
[59:52] That's a shame.

Speaker 4:
[59:53] I think you guys have really hit it off.

Speaker 6:
[59:54] I think now is the time to take care of the doors and the powers off.

Speaker 5:
[60:00] No, I like the door, man.

Speaker 6:
[60:01] You're right.

Speaker 1:
[60:02] Okay, we're going to maneuver you into position at the airlock.

Speaker 7:
[60:05] They don't know you're here as far as we can tell.

Speaker 4:
[60:08] So what would you like us to do?

Speaker 5:
[60:09] Just sort of chill here?

Speaker 6:
[60:10] You did plenty of wreckage.

Speaker 1:
[60:12] Can we start eating the station or?

Speaker 6:
[60:15] We'll give you the sign. Hey, I'm not going to tell you what to do. What if they eat our ship?

Speaker 4:
[60:19] What if we eat our own hole into the side of the ship? Then we can come in from a different angle.

Speaker 6:
[60:25] That's very cool. A different angle can explain the results of that.

Speaker 3:
[60:31] I don't know, I'm just thinking of something interesting to do.

Speaker 1:
[60:33] Explain the results of that.

Speaker 5:
[60:36] I think you should eat their ship.

Speaker 4:
[60:38] We should eat their engines. Can you eat their engines?

Speaker 6:
[60:40] I think scrap wreckage isn't enough for us. I don't want to tell them how to live their lives.

Speaker 4:
[60:44] Oh, so now you're drawing the line. No, I ask them a favor. You get to do fun stuff with the wreckage.

Speaker 1:
[60:50] Hungry Boy doesn't like it when Matt manages to come up with some other stuff.

Speaker 5:
[60:53] Go on, get it. Go live your life now.

Speaker 1:
[60:56] Okay, so scrap wreckage.

Speaker 6:
[60:58] I didn't mean to shout it out. What's your angles idea?

Speaker 4:
[61:02] It was sort of a starter idea. It was sort of a what if. You know, we could scrap wreckage. I bet that ship's got some yummy engines on it.

Speaker 1:
[61:11] You guys always get us the best scrap and or wreckage to eat.

Speaker 4:
[61:15] Yeah, and you know what? Here's a little something extra, and I flick a bolt out the window.

Speaker 1:
[61:20] Wow. I'll keep the change. That's like tipping somebody a nickel, you dick. But all right, cool. And then you see them go to town on the fucking engines.

Speaker 3:
[61:29] That's like tipping someone like a Ritz cracker.

Speaker 4:
[61:33] And I'd be stoked to get a Ritz cracker.

Speaker 5:
[61:34] I'd be stoked, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[61:36] Some loose Ritz.

Speaker 6:
[61:37] Stay safe out there, scrap. You too, wreckage.

Speaker 1:
[61:39] Scrap goes, we will.

Speaker 6:
[61:40] And wreckage goes, yeah, we will.

Speaker 3:
[61:42] In between mouthfuls of tech.

Speaker 1:
[61:44] Delicious fucking fusion drive.

Speaker 6:
[61:46] Oh, wait, scrap wreckage.

Speaker 3:
[61:48] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[61:48] Eat whatever you want, but just do it a little bit away from our ship, because I'm afraid like if they're like robots or something, they'll come out and check. Like, wow, man, you're a little too late.

Speaker 1:
[61:57] Sorry, we're already eating it.

Speaker 6:
[61:58] Oh, man.

Speaker 1:
[61:58] If they notice we're doing it, they're going to see your ship really quickly, but that's OK. So you managed to get into another airlock.

Speaker 3:
[62:06] What part of the barbell are we in?

Speaker 1:
[62:08] So you are on one of the moon orb looking things. It is a moon. And what you've docked with is sort of looks to be almost like the top of a bunker.

Speaker 3:
[62:18] That's no space station.

Speaker 1:
[62:19] That's no space station. Correct. So you dock with this bunker thing. The door opens inward, that same toxic gas comes out, and you see basically what looks to be a not a stairwell, but like pull yourself along the rail well, going down into the center of the moon.

Speaker 6:
[62:34] We need to find the same sort of spacesuits. Clearly, everybody here is part of the hive mind, right?

Speaker 7:
[62:39] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[62:40] So we got to just be cool.

Speaker 5:
[62:42] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[62:42] We got to just not talk.

Speaker 5:
[62:43] We're part of the hive mind too.

Speaker 7:
[62:45] Easy.

Speaker 5:
[62:46] That means we all got to be on the same page.

Speaker 3:
[62:50] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[62:51] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[62:51] Wow.

Speaker 5:
[62:54] It is crazy.

Speaker 6:
[62:55] Let's all go. Oh, oh, man.

Speaker 4:
[63:01] Let's go. Now.

Speaker 1:
[63:09] Now we enter the hallway.

Speaker 6:
[63:10] I want to move very slowly. We can't let anybody see us because we don't double check my memory. Everybody have the same type of suits in that bridge.

Speaker 1:
[63:17] You all have the exact same type of suits.

Speaker 6:
[63:18] No, but in the bridge.

Speaker 1:
[63:18] Some of the people had suits on that looked like yours. Some of the people were just raw dogs.

Speaker 3:
[63:22] Oh, so I already know.

Speaker 4:
[63:23] Would our spacesuits blend in with their spacesuits?

Speaker 1:
[63:26] Oh, yeah. Sure.

Speaker 3:
[63:27] Oh.

Speaker 5:
[63:27] Nice.

Speaker 6:
[63:27] Just universal. I'll just chop at the gap.

Speaker 3:
[63:31] I'll just chop at the gap.

Speaker 5:
[63:33] Why not?

Speaker 6:
[63:33] We all have the same suits.

Speaker 1:
[63:34] That said, the people you saw didn't have like darkened visors. You could see the person inside. So they will be able to see your faces unless you do something about that.

Speaker 5:
[63:41] Oh, and we should cross out this Sharpie and put Hive Mind.

Speaker 3:
[63:45] That's a good idea.

Speaker 6:
[63:46] That's a good idea.

Speaker 4:
[63:48] I wipe it and put Hive Mind on it.

Speaker 6:
[63:49] Famously, you can't wipe off a Sharpie.

Speaker 4:
[63:52] You can wipe off a Sharpie on glass.

Speaker 5:
[63:54] But Ralph says he always carries an expo marker so that if they realize he's not his wife, they don't need his autograph anymore.

Speaker 6:
[64:02] Oh, Ralph.

Speaker 4:
[64:03] If they realize I'm not my wife?

Speaker 6:
[64:06] Ralph, you should be sighting autographs.

Speaker 1:
[64:08] You deserve it, Ralph.

Speaker 6:
[64:09] You gotta be sighting autographs with permanent marker.

Speaker 4:
[64:11] I don't know. I didn't even do a good job describing the ship. I just said it was bulkular.

Speaker 6:
[64:16] We found it. It worked.

Speaker 5:
[64:18] You're creating new words, Ralph, like Shakespeare, man. Shakespeare created like 500 new words.

Speaker 6:
[64:23] That's true.

Speaker 4:
[64:24] He did.

Speaker 5:
[64:24] Bulkular.

Speaker 4:
[64:25] I tried doing that. I tried coming up with some of my own words.

Speaker 6:
[64:27] I found making new words not difficult.

Speaker 4:
[64:29] I thought you could say something was real Swiss.

Speaker 1:
[64:31] That's actually pretty good.

Speaker 5:
[64:32] That's already a word, Ralph.

Speaker 4:
[64:34] No, but it means something's real cool. It's Swiss.

Speaker 3:
[64:37] Like, they're very neutral.

Speaker 5:
[64:38] So if something's like really cool, you're like, oh, that's.

Speaker 4:
[64:41] Like, that's so Swiss. That's I had the teens in teen sex would say, that's real Swiss.

Speaker 3:
[64:46] How'd that go over?

Speaker 4:
[64:47] Teen sex? Teen sex?

Speaker 5:
[64:49] The outfit's Swiss.

Speaker 4:
[64:50] It's so Swiss.

Speaker 5:
[64:51] No, I don't like that. I think we should use cunt instead.

Speaker 4:
[64:55] For some reason, I feel like you can say that.

Speaker 6:
[64:58] As long as we don't show our visors to them.

Speaker 4:
[65:00] Oh, I cast disguise self.

Speaker 2:
[65:02] Also, real quick, do we get a chance to get a long rest on the ship?

Speaker 4:
[65:05] Do we get a chance to short rest on the ship?

Speaker 1:
[65:08] Short rest probably makes sense.

Speaker 4:
[65:09] Short rest in.

Speaker 1:
[65:11] Well, the sharks were moving around the outside of the ship. I say that's enough time for a short rest. Yes.

Speaker 4:
[65:15] I'm going to change my face to look like Jessica Messicka, I guess.

Speaker 1:
[65:20] OK.

Speaker 4:
[65:20] And with that, I am out of level one spell slots.

Speaker 1:
[65:23] OK, cool. So presumably you're going to head up the group as you sort of.

Speaker 4:
[65:26] Yeah, and then you guys can stack behind.

Speaker 6:
[65:27] Stack behind.

Speaker 1:
[65:28] As you pull your way.

Speaker 6:
[65:29] And I can turn in opposite directions and stuff. Just keep our face away. Sure.

Speaker 5:
[65:32] I rolled an 11 stealth.

Speaker 1:
[65:34] So someone will be able to notice that you're there, certainly, when they come across you, because as you're pulling yourself down this pull away, which is occasionally lit with little lights. So it's mostly a dark tunnel, except for these lights every so often. You see another person coming the opposite direction. And as he gets close, he sees Jessica Messicka. And I'm going to have him roll seven. Okay, so for a second, he looks really confused.

Speaker 4:
[66:00] Hi, I'm Jessica.

Speaker 1:
[66:01] And then he nods and he just keeps going. Okay, he just keeps on moving. Okay. Wow, that worked. So you enter the mating chamber and you see a lot of fucking. Oh boy, a lot of fucking. You see a bunch of glass cases, or they look like glass to you. They could be anything. They could be transparent aluminum. And inside are species of all different kinds. You see two horse-sized horses.

Speaker 5:
[66:24] Hey Ralph, maybe teen sex is here.

Speaker 4:
[66:26] Teen sex?

Speaker 5:
[66:27] Oh.

Speaker 2:
[66:27] It could be here too.

Speaker 1:
[66:29] You see what looks to be kind of two horse-sized preys having sex.

Speaker 4:
[66:31] Although I do see two bugs fucking over there.

Speaker 1:
[66:33] Yeah, that's happening. There is teen sex, teen sex happening over there.

Speaker 2:
[66:36] Oh wow.

Speaker 1:
[66:37] You see, well it looks to be a couple of humans in one, and you see that there are people in suits like yours.

Speaker 4:
[66:44] There's some in there.

Speaker 1:
[66:45] Yeah. And also some squids. What position? Reverse cowgirl.

Speaker 5:
[66:48] I knew you were going to say reverse cow.

Speaker 4:
[66:50] You were going to say reverse cow.

Speaker 1:
[66:53] It doesn't look like either of them are having a good time.

Speaker 6:
[66:55] Okay, I was about to say, is this like a party? Is this consensual?

Speaker 1:
[67:00] Every one of them is in a cage.

Speaker 6:
[67:01] This is bad.

Speaker 1:
[67:02] And you see that they are being monitored. There's a control panel on each of these glass cages and either some sort of thing that doesn't look humanoid is therefore not in a humanoid spacesuit or being in a humanoid spacesuit is manipulating the controls, writing things down, and there is a chute on one side of the control panel. And you don't know what any of that shit does, but that's what you see.

Speaker 6:
[67:22] It's clearly like force mating. Yes.

Speaker 4:
[67:24] How big is this room?

Speaker 1:
[67:26] So this room is...

Speaker 4:
[67:27] It's really like the center of a moon, right?

Speaker 1:
[67:29] Well, it's one compartment of the center of the room.

Speaker 6:
[67:31] How about the size of the room? It's about how you use it. So in this case, it's...

Speaker 1:
[67:34] This is about the size of a cafeteria and beyond where you came in. You know, cafeteria. And beyond a high school gymnasium. You could just say basketball court. There's a lot of different things you could do there other than a basketball court. You can play Pac-Man on the basketball court lines.

Speaker 3:
[67:52] Remember that shit?

Speaker 6:
[67:54] How many species are?

Speaker 3:
[67:55] The hell is happening there?

Speaker 1:
[67:56] A lot. You can see at least a dozen.

Speaker 6:
[67:59] Is the interspecies stuff going on?

Speaker 1:
[68:00] No, it looks like every species is matched up with its own thing.

Speaker 3:
[68:03] The Noah's Ark situation.

Speaker 5:
[68:04] Yeah, this is the Noah's Ark of.

Speaker 6:
[68:06] Does there seem to be any product, like, are they just watching?

Speaker 1:
[68:10] So they are watching.

Speaker 6:
[68:11] I'm trying to figure out what they're doing and if there's any ways in, out, safe.

Speaker 1:
[68:16] Can daddy wet his beak, perhaps? Absolutely not. Can horny boy and hungry boy?

Speaker 4:
[68:22] They're cops.

Speaker 1:
[68:24] I think I know which one doesn't follow the rules.

Speaker 6:
[68:28] Two cops called horny and hungry.

Speaker 4:
[68:30] The buddy cop, they were once horny and once hungry?

Speaker 5:
[68:33] Oh my God.

Speaker 6:
[68:34] You know, it's like we both have the same problem.

Speaker 1:
[68:36] It's just what we're hungry for.

Speaker 4:
[68:36] Hey, stop my doughnut.

Speaker 1:
[68:42] I'm so hungry though.

Speaker 5:
[68:43] Hey, stop eating my penis.

Speaker 1:
[68:47] As you watch and you were for now being ignored because you're at the doorway, you see that one of the species which looks to be like basically just pretty big caterpillars, one of them starts quivering and then you see some sort of liquid expel from the top of its head and sort of drip into the other one and it gets absorbed. And you see the technician who's currently at that station really quickly move and turn a dial and you see-

Speaker 6:
[69:14] Press the like button.

Speaker 5:
[69:16] What?

Speaker 6:
[69:16] Press the like button.

Speaker 1:
[69:20] Yeah, sorry, she leaves a comment.

Speaker 6:
[69:22] This is the algorithm that's driving the most popular porn in the galaxy.

Speaker 1:
[69:27] You know what, there is a camera attached to each one as well.

Speaker 6:
[69:30] It's dark.

Speaker 1:
[69:31] But she presses a button and it turns a dial and a couple of needles jut out from the ground to attach to tubes. Those inserts into both partners. And as they turn the dial, it looks like they start to age a little bit, like hair starts growing, they grow a little bit more gray, and the pregnancy starts getting bigger within the caterpillar. And then at a certain point, the person stops the dial, turns it back to zero. The caterpillar baby crawls out of its mother by sort of gnawing its way out, and then the wound seals itself back up. And then the technician presses a button on the console, and a red light shows up near what looks to be like the prize shoot of a claw game. And the baby heads into there, and the person grabs the baby and starts walking away with the caterpillar.

Speaker 6:
[70:16] Can I search, do I see Lila here? Because also you said this is like the size of a moon, so like if this is just the size of a-

Speaker 1:
[70:20] This is just one compartment within a basketball.

Speaker 4:
[70:22] Presumably an underground facility.

Speaker 6:
[70:23] This is fucked up, we can leave. If she's not here, then we got a whole moon to search.

Speaker 1:
[70:28] So you see that she is not here, but, world perception actually.

Speaker 6:
[70:32] I got a two, I'm too horrified.

Speaker 5:
[70:34] I got a four.

Speaker 6:
[70:36] This fucked up display.

Speaker 4:
[70:39] I got a four as well.

Speaker 7:
[70:40] Ten.

Speaker 6:
[70:41] Wow.

Speaker 1:
[70:42] Yeah, you guys don't see shit other than-

Speaker 4:
[70:44] I'm like, who are these two humans fucking?

Speaker 1:
[70:46] Who are those two?

Speaker 7:
[70:47] How did they get here?

Speaker 6:
[70:48] I don't know.

Speaker 1:
[70:49] You can go ask them if you want to.

Speaker 4:
[70:51] So here's what I would like to do. I'm still disguised as Jessica Massica, right?

Speaker 1:
[70:54] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[70:54] I want to go up to the person at the controls, beeping and booping.

Speaker 1:
[70:57] Okay.

Speaker 6:
[70:58] Is there a person at every species? Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[71:00] So I go up to the person watching the humans.

Speaker 1:
[71:02] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[71:02] I say, boss says you're relieved. I'm here to take over.

Speaker 1:
[71:06] So the thing turns and looks at you.

Speaker 4:
[71:08] There you go, Jessica.

Speaker 3:
[71:10] Bold. Bold.

Speaker 1:
[71:13] Rolled performance or deception?

Speaker 4:
[71:15] Come on, come on. That's a 20. A 20? A 15 plus 5.

Speaker 1:
[71:19] And they go, oh, that's weird.

Speaker 6:
[71:21] There you go. There's a charisma.

Speaker 1:
[71:22] I can't hear you.

Speaker 4:
[71:22] Jessica.

Speaker 1:
[71:23] Yeah. No. I see.

Speaker 6:
[71:25] But I can't.

Speaker 4:
[71:25] I press the button. I say Jessica.

Speaker 6:
[71:26] Oh, but no. I have my person to hear.

Speaker 4:
[71:29] I got a cold.

Speaker 1:
[71:30] Is there something? Oh, okay. Yeah. You got to watch out for those. Where'd you get it?

Speaker 4:
[71:35] Space.

Speaker 1:
[71:35] Oh, man. That sucks. All right.

Speaker 4:
[71:38] I have star fluenza.

Speaker 1:
[71:40] Great. It looks like neither of them is about to climax. I press the button.

Speaker 4:
[71:44] I'm like, hurry up.

Speaker 1:
[71:46] Yeah, that should definitely help. So yeah, I'm just going to go to the lunch room.

Speaker 4:
[71:49] He has a climax. What has it been? Like two minutes? Two, three minutes?

Speaker 3:
[71:53] What has it been? Like what? 40, 50 seconds? Still going. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[71:56] So he leaves and you are alone at the control station now with the humans.

Speaker 4:
[72:01] Okay. So I want to do two things. Okay. Is there a button to like communicate with the humans? I'm like, it's okay. You can stop fucking. We're getting out of here.

Speaker 1:
[72:08] The humans stop fucking and then look sort of all around themselves. Like they can't quite tell where the voice is coming from. And they go, why?

Speaker 4:
[72:16] Unless you guys are happy with what you're doing?

Speaker 1:
[72:18] I mean, it's kind of boring now. It's been a little while, but I mean, I don't not like it.

Speaker 4:
[72:22] Okay, ma'am. How do you feel?

Speaker 1:
[72:24] That was me saying that.

Speaker 4:
[72:25] Okay. I'm shy.

Speaker 6:
[72:28] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[72:31] I want to see if we can find any information on where Lila is.

Speaker 1:
[72:35] Beautiful. Somebody roll me either data or technology.

Speaker 4:
[72:38] Someone with points in this.

Speaker 6:
[72:39] Do the thing.

Speaker 3:
[72:40] I got it.

Speaker 6:
[72:40] I got it.

Speaker 3:
[72:42] 8 plus 2.

Speaker 1:
[72:43] With that noise, you activated the Jeopardy board.

Speaker 3:
[72:47] I'll take. Where's Lila for 500?

Speaker 5:
[72:49] I got a 17.

Speaker 1:
[72:50] You got a 17.

Speaker 4:
[72:51] Whoa.

Speaker 6:
[72:52] Okay, so Herb.

Speaker 4:
[72:53] Just like that scene in NCIS where they're both using the computer at the same time.

Speaker 1:
[72:58] So Herb, you either by your sheer savanteness or by pure luck managed to bring up what looks to be a schematic of this facility. And you see a lot of these fuck rooms basically that are sort of connected to each other. But you also see one room that is at the other end of this particular floor that is marked differently. It looks to be completely empty and dark.

Speaker 6:
[73:22] And it's labeled Lila.

Speaker 1:
[73:24] It might as well be.

Speaker 5:
[73:26] So Herb's gonna point at that room and be like, hey, dare de Lila.

Speaker 3:
[73:33] Hey, dare.

Speaker 6:
[73:42] If every room is a fuck room except that room, we should check that room.

Speaker 3:
[73:45] We know what's in all the fuck rooms.

Speaker 6:
[73:46] Yeah, and like if she's in one of those, no chance of finding her. There's a lot. But like, let's go to this room.

Speaker 4:
[73:51] Real quick, I would just want to ask, hi, it's me again, the humans. Why are you here?

Speaker 1:
[73:56] To fuck.

Speaker 4:
[73:57] And you signed up for this? Was there some sort of job posting?

Speaker 1:
[74:00] Yes, well, they came to our planet, Revlon 9, and we were the hottest people, so they offered it to us.

Speaker 6:
[74:06] To you?

Speaker 1:
[74:07] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[74:08] Oh, okay.

Speaker 1:
[74:09] Well, on my planet, I am a 10. I don't live on 910.

Speaker 4:
[74:13] I may be on Earth 2. There's human beings on other planets?

Speaker 1:
[74:17] I mean, this is a very common form for evolved species to take.

Speaker 4:
[74:20] Interesting. Okay, so you guys aren't humans. You're just humanoids.

Speaker 6:
[74:23] Far long ago, all the ugliest humans left planet Earth. Oh, my God.

Speaker 4:
[74:34] Well, in that case, just to be you, and have fun and be safe.

Speaker 1:
[74:39] All right. Let's see if we can make Reverse Cowgirl work.

Speaker 4:
[74:43] We'll get one of these days. Because you said there was zero gravity. Are all the people fucking in zero G?

Speaker 1:
[74:47] No, it looks like there are artificial gravity generators attached to some of the cabinets. Some of them are zero G.

Speaker 4:
[74:53] In zero G, if you're doing Reverse Cowgirl, it's like you're sledding. Nice. It's like she's riding that toboggan. You know what I mean? She's like, whoo.

Speaker 1:
[75:05] Yeah. I'm so shy still. Okay, so you...

Speaker 6:
[75:08] Stop, hey buddy, little advice, stop saying that during it. Believe in yourself.

Speaker 4:
[75:15] You're the hottest person on your planet. Yeah, what's your problem?

Speaker 1:
[75:18] Well, that's part of my appeal is like my boyish, you know, shyness.

Speaker 6:
[75:22] If she likes it, she'll keep at it.

Speaker 3:
[75:24] Dale, I think you're right. All the losers and ugly people of Earth left.

Speaker 1:
[75:29] We don't have wars on my planet. Just throwing that out there.

Speaker 4:
[75:31] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[75:32] Whatever.

Speaker 5:
[75:33] Nobody's getting their driver's license on that planet.

Speaker 4:
[75:36] So I think we should go to this.

Speaker 3:
[75:37] We would like to make our way.

Speaker 4:
[75:38] We like to make our way to the dark room.

Speaker 3:
[75:40] But we walk as if we're on official business.

Speaker 1:
[75:43] Okay, so you walk. I'm going to just say we can ride your stealth and performance checks from before.

Speaker 4:
[75:47] We're standing here. It seems like we're in the hallowed ground of the hottest, corneas people in the galaxy, all different species with rocking bods slamming into each other. This is beautiful.

Speaker 6:
[76:00] If you think about it, I mean, I would call it beautiful.

Speaker 4:
[76:03] Yeah, I mean, it seems like they're here by their own volition.

Speaker 6:
[76:05] Fuck far.

Speaker 3:
[76:06] This is, you know, I've heard the cruises are like that sometimes.

Speaker 6:
[76:10] This is nothing like a cruise.

Speaker 1:
[76:12] This is just pineapples on every single one of these cages, by the way.

Speaker 3:
[76:16] Where's the buffet? Am I right?

Speaker 6:
[76:17] Yeah, where's the buffet? There's cages and like that.

Speaker 4:
[76:19] Oh, the buffet's right over there.

Speaker 6:
[76:20] That's the buffet room.

Speaker 1:
[76:22] Somebody's fucking the food.

Speaker 6:
[76:23] Oh, man.

Speaker 1:
[76:25] You manage to get past all the fuck chambers and you see a closed steel door with two armed people in spacesuits outside of it.

Speaker 4:
[76:34] Okay, you guys get ready to unleash disruptive levels of violence.

Speaker 6:
[76:37] No, we can't, because no, no.

Speaker 4:
[76:39] Just in case, I can't talk my way past.

Speaker 6:
[76:40] Wait, before we go, just take a moment, because if we do anything to one of them, they all know it, so we can't do anything. Oh, you're right. We can't knock one out, because it's just one person in the whole hive mind. But they all know that we're not.

Speaker 5:
[76:53] Why don't we just ask if we can go in there?

Speaker 6:
[76:56] If we can get them to walk away. Why don't we get them to leave the door?

Speaker 4:
[77:00] Oh, okay.

Speaker 6:
[77:01] That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4:
[77:02] That's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 6:
[77:03] Essentially, is it like the Kremlin in Mission Impossible 4?

Speaker 1:
[77:06] It is exactly like the Kremlin.

Speaker 6:
[77:08] There's the hallway, so we can peek around and they haven't seen us yet. So if we could get something.

Speaker 4:
[77:11] Just four of those spaces stacked up on the door.

Speaker 6:
[77:13] So if we could get something to make them come out and then go the opposite direction, we can walk in without.

Speaker 4:
[77:19] That's a good idea. I cast Invisible on myself. And with that, I've expended my last spell slot.

Speaker 1:
[77:25] You are invisible.

Speaker 4:
[77:26] And then what I would like to do is creep ever so quietly to the other end of the hallway.

Speaker 1:
[77:31] Not going to be hard because of Zero G. You are now at the other end of the hallway, nearest the two guards. They seem to be holding blasters. One of them seems to be of the same blue skinned race of the guy that you killed back on McFadden Gate. And the other looks to be just made of hair.

Speaker 6:
[77:47] Wow. Just made of hair.

Speaker 3:
[77:48] What kind of hair? Like a muppet or like a-

Speaker 1:
[77:50] Like Cousin It from Adam's Family.

Speaker 4:
[77:51] Okay. I'm going to cast Minor Illusion. I thought you said you had a spell slot. That's a cantrip, bro.

Speaker 1:
[77:56] Whoa! All right. What is that illusion?

Speaker 4:
[77:58] Shit, can I do this while I'm invisible? We'll say I have not cast it invisible yet. I go to the other side of the hallway. I am going to cast an illusion of a sound of screams. And it's like someone be like, oh no, the people fucking escaped.

Speaker 6:
[78:12] Help! And they went to the right.

Speaker 4:
[78:14] And they went to the sound of my voice.

Speaker 5:
[78:16] Wait, everybody who works here is part of the hive mind. Maybe say, hi, I'm a person fucking and I've escaped.

Speaker 6:
[78:22] Oh yeah.

Speaker 4:
[78:23] Yes. I'm like, yes, we've escaped from the fuck room and now it's time to run this way.

Speaker 1:
[78:28] I don't think you have to roll for that. Sounds like the kind of thing that would concern them. So you see the guards look at each other for a second and then they kind of look up and they're sort of paused and like trying to scan the other. Doesn't look like anybody is. They might be worth checking out, whatever. So they start floating towards you.

Speaker 4:
[78:46] OK, now I cast invisibility.

Speaker 1:
[78:48] So they turn and look down the corridor you wanted them to turn and look down. And one of them passed the other on the shoulder and then gives a thumb to go back to that door while they go and investigate. So the one that's all hair is beginning to head back to the door.

Speaker 4:
[79:01] OK, I did my part.

Speaker 6:
[79:03] What do you guys want to do? I want to look. Are there any climbable vents?

Speaker 4:
[79:08] Zero G, baby.

Speaker 1:
[79:08] Yeah, every vent is climbable. I guess swimming.

Speaker 6:
[79:11] Are there vents? Like are there is like an air vent in the ceiling?

Speaker 1:
[79:14] Yes.

Speaker 6:
[79:14] No. OK, Dale wants to float up and check out an air vent. Does it look like this air vent travels to the next part of the level?

Speaker 1:
[79:20] It looks like it travels to every room in this place.

Speaker 6:
[79:23] Hey, guys.

Speaker 1:
[79:23] This is air purification for specifically the toxic spore.

Speaker 6:
[79:27] Oh, I don't speak. Wave them up here. I want to wave them up there.

Speaker 1:
[79:30] OK.

Speaker 6:
[79:30] So I'm the leader. I'm the front of the vent.

Speaker 1:
[79:33] Do you want to crawl into the vent that it's above the dark out room?

Speaker 6:
[79:38] Yeah, exactly. I'm in the vent. I go through the vent in the hallway and then I'm going to. Since we're so close, I should be able to tell it's just to the right. OK, great.

Speaker 4:
[79:44] Ralph is still down below.

Speaker 1:
[79:46] Unless you want to wall it.

Speaker 2:
[79:47] I mean, just come up with us.

Speaker 4:
[79:49] OK, yes. Then I'm just going to glide up there. So neutralized one guard is off on a wild goose chase and the other one is on their way back to the thing. But we've just gone up into a vent.

Speaker 6:
[79:56] Yes, I want to crawl until I can see inside the dark room.

Speaker 1:
[79:59] The room seems to be completely empty except for four chairs that look very comfortable. Oh, a chair that Lila is in and her hands are one of the comfortable ones. No, she's not in one of the comfortable one. She's on like a stool. Those monsters and her wrists are handcuffed together basically by some sort of sci-fi handcuffed thing. And you see the figure with the bird mask and the cloak is in an even more comfortable looking chair next to her.

Speaker 4:
[80:21] So there's four comfortable chairs, empty, an uncomfortable chair and then one incredibly comfortable chair.

Speaker 5:
[80:27] What is he reading? I bet he's like reading performatively. I bet he's not even actually reading a book.

Speaker 1:
[80:32] He's reading The Immortal Slow Savage Yard.

Speaker 6:
[80:33] No, he's reading Lolita.

Speaker 1:
[80:35] No, he's not reading Lolita.

Speaker 3:
[80:37] Why is he shaking his head the whole time? Why are we blaming it on his day?

Speaker 1:
[80:41] He's reading a fucking Hardy Boys novel. That's all you see down there and everything seems pretty calm. Lila looks impatient slash angry, but mostly scared.

Speaker 6:
[80:50] This creature is reading a book to her.

Speaker 1:
[80:52] No, he's not reading it aloud. He's just reading in silence next to her.

Speaker 3:
[80:54] And does this creature look like they condone or disagree with what the book author is saying?

Speaker 1:
[80:59] They're wearing a mask. And also it's a detective novel for kids.

Speaker 4:
[81:03] Written by Dabokov.

Speaker 1:
[81:04] Written by Dabokov, yeah. The case of the changing age.

Speaker 6:
[81:09] Oh shit.

Speaker 1:
[81:11] Freddie and I was Hardy Boys. Oh, that's good. That's good.

Speaker 6:
[81:17] Okay. Well, what do we do? I don't know.

Speaker 5:
[81:20] It kind of looks like, you know, they're expecting us.

Speaker 6:
[81:23] Oh, the four chairs. Oh, I don't like that.

Speaker 3:
[81:25] That's creepy. I don't like this. This smells like a trap.

Speaker 4:
[81:28] But I'm still invisible.

Speaker 6:
[81:30] That's good.

Speaker 4:
[81:31] I could float down there if you can open the vent. Oh, yeah. Ever so quietly.

Speaker 6:
[81:35] We could.

Speaker 4:
[81:36] Then we'll have an invisible guy in the room.

Speaker 6:
[81:38] That's helpful.

Speaker 3:
[81:39] So you're trying to slip in silent but deadly.

Speaker 4:
[81:41] Like silent but deadly. I could descend into the room.

Speaker 5:
[81:45] Can I try to unscrew the vent with my dagger?

Speaker 1:
[81:48] Sure.

Speaker 3:
[81:49] Quietly.

Speaker 6:
[81:50] Yeah, give me a stealth roll. Yeah, let's figure this out one step at a time.

Speaker 1:
[81:53] 18. With a couple of tense moments where the threads begin against the housing, you managed to get all four screws out and now they're kind of just floating in the air.

Speaker 4:
[82:02] Just floats in.

Speaker 1:
[82:03] And you catch them before they hit the walls, I assume.

Speaker 6:
[82:06] As Herb is doing that, I want to study this bird mask person as carefully as I can using my perception of human nature. Check in. Dale has had a lot of experience looking across the bar.

Speaker 1:
[82:18] So insight is what you're hoping to roll.

Speaker 6:
[82:20] I'm getting a vibe that they're actually reading the book or are they saying, they'd be like, I already know they're up there and I'm just enjoying this. I'm getting a sense of how long it takes for them to flip a page. And if the pages start, if it's inconsistent, I'm like, they don't change. You're not changing how fast you're reading that much. I'm getting a sense. I'm studying how they're reading this book.

Speaker 1:
[82:41] Roll insight, please.

Speaker 6:
[82:43] It's a three.

Speaker 1:
[82:45] No way of knowing.

Speaker 6:
[82:46] Definitely reading still. OK.

Speaker 4:
[82:48] My stuff is invisible too, right?

Speaker 1:
[82:49] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[82:50] And Lila's she's in a spacesuit like us, right?

Speaker 1:
[82:53] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[82:54] And this guy's reading the book.

Speaker 5:
[82:55] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[82:55] And he's not in a spacesuit.

Speaker 4:
[82:56] If he's not looking, he's reading a book.

Speaker 5:
[82:59] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[83:00] Here's what I'd like to do. I want to use my Sharpie to write a message on the glass of her suit.

Speaker 1:
[83:07] Cool.

Speaker 4:
[83:08] And it says, look up. Or I just put an arrow pointing upwards.

Speaker 1:
[83:13] Okay. That's great. I don't think you have to roll stealth for that. You're invisible. It says, look up. She looks up and she sees the vent and she sees presumably some faces peeking down, looking at her. And you see her get really excited. And even though her arms are handcuffed together, she sort of raises her thumbs as thumbs up to you guys. And then she gives you an incredulous look.

Speaker 4:
[83:32] Is she afraid to stand up or she tied to the chair?

Speaker 1:
[83:34] She can stand up.

Speaker 4:
[83:35] I'm just like, go up into the vent. I'm going to, as she does that, turn off invisibility and sit in the chair like she was sitting, but looking down. So that it's like there's a hot swap. Like you won't even notice someone's left the room.

Speaker 1:
[83:48] That's dope as.

Speaker 3:
[83:50] You're doing like the Indiana Jones.

Speaker 2:
[83:52] That's cool as fuck.

Speaker 4:
[83:54] Is there like a seatbelt in the chair? I just realized, why are there chairs?

Speaker 1:
[83:57] She had her foot tucked under the bar.

Speaker 4:
[83:58] Oh, there's like little bars.

Speaker 1:
[84:00] All the chairs seem to be stapled to the ground basically. And there are like little places for your feet so you can like rest in them and not float away. So give me one stealth roll for all of that.

Speaker 4:
[84:11] I see here, I think I have inspiration, which I have not used yet. I got inspiration for some dumb joke I made in the previous episode.

Speaker 1:
[84:17] I believe that.

Speaker 4:
[84:18] Which is good, because I got a two, so I'm gonna burn the stealth. 19.

Speaker 1:
[84:23] The hot swap happens with a speed and a dexterity that Indiana Jones could only dream of. Had you been there, the idol would have gotten off the pillar and he wouldn't have had to run from a boulder. It's that beautiful.

Speaker 3:
[84:35] The other guy would be alive.

Speaker 7:
[84:36] No, I think he'd probably still be dead.

Speaker 6:
[84:38] You can tell, as is happening, the bird mask person's literally finger trembling on the page. And it's like, I was like, no, Hardy Boys, don't you understand? The real treasure was like, oh, he's turning the page and the swap happens.

Speaker 1:
[84:51] He's so into the book.

Speaker 3:
[84:53] You time it on a page turn.

Speaker 6:
[84:54] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[84:54] Oh, that's great.

Speaker 4:
[84:55] I know a good page turner when I see one.

Speaker 1:
[84:57] So Lila successfully gets up, it grabs the lip of the open vent and sort of pulls herself in. And looks down at Ralph and looks at the rest of you and then sort of as much as she can within her space shoot with her hands together, she shrugs, except to say like, what now?

Speaker 6:
[85:11] Oh, I mean, we can't just keep swapping people out.

Speaker 3:
[85:13] Lila, why four chairs?

Speaker 6:
[85:16] Yeah, because he said he was expecting you. No, I thought so. I knew it. I knew it. Okay. But he didn't see that happen. So he's still expecting us. I'm looking down to see is Ralph looking up at us? No, I'm looking down.

Speaker 4:
[85:28] Yeah, I'm looking down. And you see me just like, wave you guys off. Like, just go in.

Speaker 5:
[85:34] I'm going to try to unscrew the space handcuffs.

Speaker 1:
[85:37] Okay.

Speaker 5:
[85:38] What on Lila? Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[85:39] Okay. Oh, nice.

Speaker 4:
[85:40] Yeah, that was my last spell. Otherwise, I could teleport back up, but I can't.

Speaker 6:
[85:43] Wait, how would you get your spell slots back?

Speaker 4:
[85:45] Oh, sure. One long rest.

Speaker 3:
[85:47] We all just sleep.

Speaker 7:
[85:48] One hour nap. One hour nap, dude.

Speaker 4:
[85:53] I think how long is a long rest? A long rest is eight hours.

Speaker 6:
[85:56] How long will go? We can all stay up here.

Speaker 4:
[86:00] Debbie. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[86:02] All right. All right.

Speaker 4:
[86:05] I'm going to go to sleep.

Speaker 1:
[86:08] Okay. So are all of you going to sleep?

Speaker 6:
[86:13] No, I'm going to watch.

Speaker 4:
[86:14] You guys got to go. You guys got to get the fuck out.

Speaker 6:
[86:15] No, I can't leave you. I'm going to watch because if this bird man comes to check in on you while you're sleeping, I mean, I don't know what we'll do, but we can't just, yeah, this is Project Hail Mary. I'm watching you sleep. Like, I'm watching you sleep.

Speaker 1:
[86:27] Okay, so I'm going to roll for every 20 minutes. Every 20 minutes?

Speaker 6:
[86:34] It's eight hours?

Speaker 1:
[86:35] It's eight hours. I know. You chose to be the bad guy's dead and sleep for eight hours. I am not being unreasonable here. Every 20 minutes, I'm going to roll, and there's a chance that within that 20 minutes-

Speaker 4:
[86:47] Oh, wait, I do want to say one thing. During long rest, you sleep for at least six hours and perform no more than two hours of light activity, such as reading, talking, eating, or standing watch.

Speaker 1:
[86:56] Okay, how do you want to divvy those up?

Speaker 4:
[86:58] So what I would like to do is, I would like to use the Napoleon Sleep Method to chop it up.

Speaker 3:
[87:07] The Uberman.

Speaker 4:
[87:08] All right, yeah, so if I'm trying to maximize my rest-

Speaker 1:
[87:11] Sleep maxing.

Speaker 4:
[87:12] I'm trying to sleep max over the eight-hour period. I'm basically just taking a series of old man maps and then waking up every... We have to do the math to figure out how many...

Speaker 1:
[87:22] It's fine.

Speaker 4:
[87:22] But yes, every so often I'm waking up to shift because I can't change my face into lila, so I'm trying to not have my face be shown. I'm doing some of these, you know, like that kind of thing.

Speaker 1:
[87:31] Sure. Okay, so every 20 minutes...

Speaker 6:
[87:33] We could do... Is that gonna be a harder role? Or I don't know how to do this in character, so I'll just express it. Or what we do is we could do another hot swap, put her back in there, and then you sleep for eight hours in the vent because that's fine, because obviously they're waiting for us. They're not gonna do anything with Lila.

Speaker 3:
[87:51] We just her out!

Speaker 6:
[87:53] But that's one role! That's just one more self-role. You sleep up in the vent, you sleep in the vent, and then we swap again, and then you teleport out.

Speaker 1:
[88:05] Holy shit.

Speaker 6:
[88:06] Although I guess at a certain point, if you're just gonna teleport out, then you're accepting that you're gonna leave.

Speaker 3:
[88:11] Well, yeah, the other thing too is that if you wait long enough, even if they do catch you, you just want to teleport someone, you teleport as long as you get your sleep.

Speaker 1:
[88:19] Is there a way we can get a distraction for eight hours?

Speaker 6:
[88:23] I wonder if there's anything.

Speaker 1:
[88:23] I was so ready to roll a D20 24 times.

Speaker 6:
[88:25] Did anybody else have?

Speaker 4:
[88:26] What did it just be, 24 straight stealth checks? What was it gonna be?

Speaker 1:
[88:29] It was basically gonna be, I just Googled how long an average Hardy Boys book is, and every 20 minutes I was gonna roll a D20 to see how far he had gotten, and if he ever reached the upper limit of what a Hardy Boys book is, he finishes reading, puts it down, and looks up.

Speaker 6:
[88:41] No, but I feel like, and I think it's too granular about it, but I think what also happens is like, the roll should be at a disadvantage once they're like halfway through the book, because he's getting really into it in the story.

Speaker 1:
[88:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[88:50] So it's like, let's focus. I feel like there's gonna be a chance of like how good the Hardy Boys book is.

Speaker 1:
[88:54] First you have to roll for what quality of it is, because there's a variation in quality of Hardy Boys books.

Speaker 6:
[88:59] So if we're gonna do that, does anybody else have any spells or anything that can be helpful to Ralph shooting back up here?

Speaker 3:
[89:05] Well, Matt, it says here I can usually secure food and lodging by performing.

Speaker 5:
[89:09] I have Danger Sense, so advantage on dexterity saving throws unless I have the incapacitated condition.

Speaker 6:
[89:16] I can run fast. Could any of us, all of this could be...

Speaker 7:
[89:19] One stealth check!

Speaker 6:
[89:21] No, no, because even if he just...

Speaker 1:
[89:23] No, very funny.

Speaker 6:
[89:24] No, but even if he flies up, we're just gonna get chased in the vent, and we're just trying to think if there's any way...

Speaker 3:
[89:28] Don't forget, as Anthony said, depending on when he gets up here, right, there might be more Hardy Boys book to read.

Speaker 6:
[89:36] Wait, here, just give me one second. This is this, okay? Wait, is there a stack of Hardy Boys books next to him?

Speaker 1:
[89:43] There looks to be a stack of Hardy Boys books next to him, but that's what I'm saying. There's only one stack. So is that once he's about to read, or is that once he already has read?

Speaker 6:
[89:53] Okay, you start sleeping.

Speaker 4:
[89:54] Okay, let's just do that and then figure the rest out.

Speaker 6:
[89:56] Because if the stack is what he's read, then at some point he's either gonna get delivered more books or he's gonna leave to get more books. So that's one thing to find. So let's at least wait for this one book.

Speaker 4:
[90:08] Let's at least play the percentage of books out.

Speaker 1:
[90:10] Let's play the book out.

Speaker 4:
[90:11] Let's play the book out.

Speaker 1:
[90:12] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[90:12] All right, here we go, hot dice.

Speaker 1:
[90:14] So I'm gonna roll 24 times on a D20.

Speaker 6:
[90:17] We're not sleeping straight eight hours. We want to get to the end of this Hardy Boy book.

Speaker 3:
[90:21] I'm looking to see how far we get.

Speaker 4:
[90:22] Hold on, Matt.

Speaker 6:
[90:22] How long?

Speaker 4:
[90:23] List of Hardy Boy's books.

Speaker 1:
[90:24] No, I'm looking at right now. We're doing The Secret of the Old Mill and it is around 180 pages.

Speaker 2:
[90:29] That's it? Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[90:30] How far is he into it already?

Speaker 1:
[90:32] I'm going to say he's like 20% of the way through it.

Speaker 6:
[90:34] Can you roll?

Speaker 1:
[90:35] Yeah, that's a good idea.

Speaker 4:
[90:36] This says 3.9 on Goodreads, so it's a pretty good Hardy Boy book.

Speaker 1:
[90:39] 15, so he's pretty far through it. I'm going to say he's halfway through.

Speaker 6:
[90:43] Okay, so how is it? He's got like 20 pages left.

Speaker 1:
[90:45] So, halfway of 180 would be 90 pages.

Speaker 6:
[90:48] Halfway, 90 pages, okay.

Speaker 1:
[90:49] Yes. So he's got 90 pages. I'm going to roll a D20.

Speaker 6:
[90:55] 1.5 to 3 hours of pending.

Speaker 1:
[90:56] Every 20 minutes.

Speaker 6:
[90:57] Okay, so let's say he reads in 100 minutes.

Speaker 4:
[91:01] Ooh, can I cast Minor Illusion to try to give an elusive place?

Speaker 3:
[91:05] Extend the ending.

Speaker 4:
[91:06] Can I just like, because I wake up every so often, right? So can I try to like, you know, there's like a noise and he's like, oh, that, and he looks and then he's like, oh, shit, I lost my place, where was I, that kind of thing?

Speaker 3:
[91:16] That thing where you've been reading for a while but your eyes glaze, you're like, I don't remember any of this.

Speaker 1:
[91:19] I'm going to say that Minor Illusion probably requires you to be looking in that direction. So you're going to have to raise your head and something's going to have to happen.

Speaker 6:
[91:27] The Minor Illusion just end the book with to be continued because he's going to have to look for it. There's no, he's going to have to leave to look for the next book. They're like, wait, I must be missing the next book. So he's going to have to go to the next book. Even if the stack is the next one, he's like, wait, this can't be the next one though because this one's at To Be Continued. Where's the sequel to? What was the name of the book?

Speaker 1:
[91:52] The Secret of the Old Mill.

Speaker 6:
[91:53] There's gotta be an Old Mill, too.

Speaker 4:
[91:55] And to put one other thing out, Matt, this is the third Hardy Boy's book. So I feel like that could also mean that those books are, that's the stack that he has, unless he's going back to the series.

Speaker 6:
[92:02] He hasn't read it yet.

Speaker 4:
[92:03] Unless he's reading the series.

Speaker 3:
[92:04] You gotta be going chaos here.

Speaker 6:
[92:05] You're like, I must have missed one. There must be a sequel to this one. This is solid.

Speaker 4:
[92:08] I'm gonna wait till, I'm gonna try to wait till he's almost at the end, and then when he turns the last page, I'm gonna put the words To Be Continued on there.

Speaker 1:
[92:20] Okay. I don't think I need to roll for how many pages he rolls, then, because you're waiting for him to get to the end.

Speaker 6:
[92:26] Yeah, he's staying awake. Yeah, we're not sleeping yet.

Speaker 1:
[92:28] You're staying awake.

Speaker 4:
[92:29] Wait, no, I know, but I still need to sleep, Max.

Speaker 1:
[92:32] He slept for 40 minutes, he's awake for 20. Well, then there's a chance that you'll be asleep when he gets to the last page.

Speaker 4:
[92:37] So I'm gonna hang out.

Speaker 1:
[92:38] Okay.

Speaker 4:
[92:38] Well, let's do the math. I need to sleep six hours.

Speaker 6:
[92:41] And you can do two hours of light work.

Speaker 4:
[92:43] Two hours of light work.

Speaker 6:
[92:44] So one fourth of your time can be spent awake.

Speaker 4:
[92:46] So that's two hours.

Speaker 6:
[92:46] So it's only gonna take him like an hour and a half to read the book. What's left? So you can just stay awake. Maybe.

Speaker 1:
[92:52] You don't know how fast he's been going. All right.

Speaker 4:
[92:53] In that case, yes. I'm gonna stay awake as long as I can. And then I might get pretty sleepy. And I'm hoping that he is going to... I'm just gonna watch him for now.

Speaker 1:
[93:01] An hour? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 4:
[93:03] Just give me one hour worth of rolls to see if he gets to the end of the book.

Speaker 1:
[93:05] Okay. He is taking his time with his hard work. He is really drinking in every detail about those two boy detectives and that secret chapter 10, The Chase. It's like listening to an audio book at.75.

Speaker 6:
[93:19] I choose to keep watch. You can all long rest. I'm gonna watch and I'm gonna find something like there's like the screw or something, something that I can drop from the vent onto Ralph. In case...

Speaker 5:
[93:31] Nothing's gonna drop. It's zero gravity.

Speaker 3:
[93:33] He flicks it.

Speaker 6:
[93:34] In case he's asleep while he is in the end of the book.

Speaker 5:
[93:37] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[93:38] Terry Gilroy and Biff Hooper.

Speaker 4:
[93:39] I'm gonna stay up for the second hour though.

Speaker 6:
[93:41] No, no, there'll be no chance because you can't stay awake at all. You gotta go to sleep.

Speaker 4:
[93:44] You gotta sleep for one hour. Ralph gingerly closes his eyes.

Speaker 1:
[93:51] This is pulse-pounding D&D action, dude. This is the best the game has ever been. Okay.

Speaker 4:
[93:57] Give us a little bit more, Freddie.

Speaker 3:
[93:59] All go out in dad's boat.

Speaker 1:
[94:01] Volunteer Tony Prito.

Speaker 6:
[94:03] Fine, agreed the others.

Speaker 1:
[94:05] He stops and he's beginning to turn the page and then he goes back and says, wait, let me reread that because he is going slowly through this book.

Speaker 6:
[94:14] He's engrossed.

Speaker 1:
[94:15] All right, hour two. Okay, hour two, chapter 16, a plan of action. You got a natural 20, a two and a seven.

Speaker 6:
[94:22] Which means what?

Speaker 1:
[94:23] Which means... What the does that mean?

Speaker 6:
[94:27] What the does that mean, Anthony? What's good happening?

Speaker 3:
[94:34] Explain the numbers, magic man!

Speaker 1:
[94:38] Oh, boy. Actually, no, I should be rolling a D of hundreds. That's what I should be doing.

Speaker 6:
[94:41] Oh.

Speaker 2:
[94:43] In 72.

Speaker 1:
[94:44] Okay, so. So that's 72 pages he finishes. So the first hour, he was spending a lot of time reading the same eight pages over and over again.

Speaker 6:
[94:53] So he's only got like eight pages left then?

Speaker 1:
[94:54] Yes, he's nearing the end, but it is the end of your hour as well.

Speaker 6:
[94:58] Yeah, so but now he can stay awake for an hour.

Speaker 1:
[95:00] Okay, great.

Speaker 6:
[95:00] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[95:01] In that case, you are awake when he turns the page to the final page.

Speaker 3:
[95:06] And I cast my illusion.

Speaker 6:
[95:07] What's the last sentence, Freddie?

Speaker 3:
[95:08] The cashier handed over two $5 bills. Shet Morton seized one, bit it, bit it, gazed reflectively at its ceiling for a moment, then gave it back to Frank. I guess it's good, he said. There's so much counterfeit money going around these days that one can't be too careful.

Speaker 6:
[95:30] Or can you, to be continued?

Speaker 1:
[95:38] Yeah, real pulse-pounding cliffhanger there. I'd be rummaging through my books with all speed.

Speaker 6:
[95:44] I think you stop, once he bites it, you erase the rest of it.

Speaker 3:
[95:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[95:51] Okay, okay, so I'm going to give you one stealth roll for all of this, because it's going to require raising your head, casting a spell, hoping that out of his periphery, you can't see the last page while he's reading the second to last page.

Speaker 4:
[96:02] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[96:03] And then not turning to see you after he's done reading.

Speaker 4:
[96:06] All right.

Speaker 1:
[96:07] So give me a stealth roll, please.

Speaker 4:
[96:08] And then Ralph looks up and he raises his hand discreetly and I'm going to make my stealth roll.

Speaker 1:
[96:16] And to be continued.

Speaker 3:
[97:41] Thanks so much for listening, and thanks also to Ben Yahtzee Croshaw for his VO work in the intro. Legend of Legends. It was, in fact, Yahtzee himself. He's got a YouTube channel, Second Wind, and an actual play show called Adventure is Nigh. It's a series following groups of adventurers journeying through the land of Angand Ardi, a world full of magic, mayhem, and unfortunately named NPCs. YouTube show with tabletop stuff. Check it out. Adventure is Nigh on Second Wind. Also by popular demand, we are extending the deadline for submissions for our second annual Pride zine. In honor of Pride month, we're releasing a limited print zine, just like last year, to raise money for Lambda Legal. If you want to participate, we're looking for all kinds of art, traditional, digital, cosplay, and everything in between. On top of art from all four main seasons, we love any art based on our bonus content, Sons of Sons ability, Fetch Quest, KVM, you can use it all. If you want to support the show directly, support it on our Patreon, where you can get Shadow Dark Episode 2, the grim dark, super crunchy RPG that Will is running, and Episode 2, Matt joins in.

Speaker 4:
[98:52] Then last but not least, one more adventure, one final friend drops down. Who we got? Matt, tell us.

Speaker 6:
[98:59] You got Lyris, the elf witch born, and she goes, Hello, don't, don't, whatever you do, don't speak to my flower.

Speaker 5:
[99:09] What, what?

Speaker 1:
[99:11] You have a flower?

Speaker 7:
[99:12] They say the ocean tastes like tears.

Speaker 6:
[99:15] Don't speak to it, it's a lie.

Speaker 1:
[99:17] What the? What did I just hear?

Speaker 5:
[99:18] What did I just hear?

Speaker 3:
[99:19] I'm sorry, Matt.

Speaker 1:
[99:20] The ocean tastes like tears?

Speaker 3:
[99:22] Hard stop, what's happening?

Speaker 1:
[99:24] Yeah, what the?

Speaker 3:
[99:25] All that and more bonus episodes, bonus content, just a lot of stuff to listen to and watch at patreon.com/dungeons and Dads. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold is Dale Elliot, Anthony Burch is our DM, Will Campos is Ralph Estrella, Beth May is Herb The Worm Quiggly and myself, Freddie Wong is Ashley Burch. Our theme song is Conventional Wisdom by Max and Waller, Annissa Omran is our content producer, Ashley Blood is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore, our intro this week voiced by Ben Yahtzee Croshaw, and special thanks to our Patreon supporters. People like Aaron Nash, Lassie Henson, Jay Sellers, Bixie Blackspark, Justin Stephens, Adam Bransky, Keenan Murphy, Aliyah Fleener, Banks8, Cammie Martins, Michael, Jonah Ryburn, Rob Mayne, Enrique Botello, Gay Shark, Voice of Kane, Andy Hill, Miles Gardelman, Anna and Ali Pratt. Support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com/dungeonsanddads. Merch more at dungeonsanddads.com. Our next episode, May 5th, we'll see you then. I got a seven.