transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] Just know that touch has to exist in your life outside of sex. Otherwise, sex then comes with just a whole bunch of pressure, right? Like the second there's touch, oh God.

Speaker 2:
[00:21] I'm Amy. I'm April, certified sex educators, Sex Experts of the Year, and best selling authors.

Speaker 3:
[00:27] And we're on a mission to help you have more spicy, connected, and amazing Shameless Sex.

Speaker 2:
[00:33] Welcome to the Shameless Sex Revolution. To learn more, go to shamelesssex.com.

Speaker 3:
[00:45] And for 15% off some of our favorite sex toys, use code shamelesssex at purepleasureshop.com.

Speaker 4:
[00:53] You were listening to a Pleasure Podcast. For more from our Sex Podcast Collective, visit pleasurepodcasts.com.

Speaker 2:
[01:02] Well, hello everyone.

Speaker 3:
[01:03] Hey everybody.

Speaker 2:
[01:04] Welcome back to the Shameless Sex Podcast. This episode. Oh my goodness. I love the two humans that are the guests on this episode. They're not together at the same time.

Speaker 3:
[01:16] Right.

Speaker 2:
[01:16] It's two clips. So they're clips taken from the Intimacy Rewired six week program that I co-taught, can I say co-taught, co-led?

Speaker 3:
[01:25] Yeah. Co-facilitated.

Speaker 2:
[01:27] With my dear friend Ian Stratton. And it is all about how to move from disconnection to connection in your relationships. Or one joke that we have now is how to always win a fight. You like that? Always win a fight.

Speaker 3:
[01:41] yeah. I love that.

Speaker 2:
[01:42] You're like what? But not in the way that you think. Not by always being right and battling. So this was offered in winter of this year, 2026. And it will come up again in September of 2026. That will be our second round. It's a six week online course. And I'm not sure if these two wonderful guest speakers will be a part of the next cohort, but the speakers are Dr. Charlie Glickman. He's been on our show many times.

Speaker 3:
[02:05] He was a therapist for me at one point.

Speaker 2:
[02:07] Me too.

Speaker 3:
[02:07] I love him.

Speaker 2:
[02:08] He's amazing. He's actually the one that told me that I should do the Somatica training, which I believe is starting a couple of days after this episode goes out.

Speaker 3:
[02:15] Oh, awesome.

Speaker 2:
[02:16] So last call, y'all. If you want to go and become a sex and relationship coach, go to somaticainstitute.com. I believe they're probably still taking people to the last minute, and it is totally worth it. It will change your life.

Speaker 3:
[02:26] Paige is doing it.

Speaker 2:
[02:27] I know.

Speaker 3:
[02:27] Our amazing marketing director and social media human. I'm obsessed with all of that. Paige.

Speaker 2:
[02:33] She's so excited.

Speaker 3:
[02:33] We love you. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[02:34] So Charlie did the Somatica training, I think in 2015 or 14. And then he told recommended to me and then I did in 2016. In this episode, he is talking all about or teaching us all about more embodied practice on communication in sex and relationships. So both in and out of the bedroom and the whole design of Intimacy Rewired is to make all these things easy and enjoyable, as opposed to these huge obstacles. So if you find yourself in a relationship and it's hard to connect with your partner, to communicate, to get what you want, to give what your partner wants to all those things, Intimacy Rewired is for you and April's right now probably thinking of into me.

Speaker 3:
[03:13] Into me, I see.

Speaker 2:
[03:15] I knew it.

Speaker 3:
[03:16] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[03:17] Our other speaker, Sarah Tomchesson, she has been on our show many times as well. She teaches at all of our retreats, or at least to this current day. We have retreats coming up in October. The couple's retreat is sold out. You can get on the wait list, but she'll be teaching there. She will also be teaching at the women's retreat, which we still have some spaces available for. She is teaching in this episode all about pleasure mapping and pleasure literacy. This is really slowing down and how to understand your unique pleasure in your body and giving you some tools and skills.

Speaker 3:
[03:47] She's also from Magic Wand.

Speaker 2:
[03:48] Yes. April's favorite vibrator.

Speaker 3:
[03:51] You hear us talk about that all the time. If you don't know about Magic Wand, well, it's time you find out.

Speaker 2:
[03:55] Go get that Magic Wand Waterproof. I tell you, it is a game changer.

Speaker 3:
[03:58] It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Speaker 2:
[04:01] What you will hear in this episode will be some practical tools that you can apply to your relationships, whether it's communication or understanding your own pleasure and then how to share that with others.

Speaker 3:
[04:10] So is this a split? These are two folks that-

Speaker 2:
[04:13] Two different clips because they guested on two different weeks. That's how Intimacy Rewired. It's six weeks and then each week we have a different guest teaching on. We had someone teaching on safety and boundaries. We had someone teaching like Charlie on communication. Sarah, it was his pleasure of literacy. It's not just Ian and I teaching everyone. It's very practice-oriented, so you're not just sitting there listening to lectures. When you hear Charlie teach here and Sarah, after they stop speaking for the next half an hour, if you were in Intimacy Rewired, you go into breakout rooms and you practice some of the skills. That's where we learn.

Speaker 3:
[04:45] You can still get it.

Speaker 5:
[04:46] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[04:46] You can still get the courses and you're getting this sneak peek right now.

Speaker 2:
[04:51] Yes, sneak peek.

Speaker 3:
[04:52] Well, not at this given second, after we finish with the intro.

Speaker 2:
[04:54] Yes, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, you will need to... So after you listen to this, you'll have an idea of what it is about and if you would like to join Intimacy Rewired in the fall, that is in mid, I think it was actually early September, go to intimacyrewired.com. And if you follow Intimacy Rewired on Instagram, that's Intimacy.Rewired, you get a special gift. And the gift is going to teach you how to win your fights in relationships. I know, don't you like that everyone's like, I want to learn how to win my fights.

Speaker 3:
[05:22] Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:
[05:22] All right, go check that out. Listen, stay tuned. Ready for a sex question?

Speaker 3:
[05:26] Okay, I'm ready.

Speaker 2:
[05:27] In your Shameless Sex book, I see one, consent above all and two, persist in seeking your desire. For example, in your books, you suggest responding to a no with follow up questions about whether their no is immutable. To me, this contradicts respecting boundaries. When I tell my partner no to something he wants, he has responded by telling me how important it is to him and asking me why I feel a no which doesn't feel good to me. I want him to say, I love having sex with you, period, period. Not on your period. Love having sex with you, period. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. So how do you reconcile his right to express his desire with my right to boundaries and a comfortable experience?

Speaker 3:
[06:07] It's a deep question.

Speaker 2:
[06:09] It is. I understand what they're saying and I understand how that could be irritating. Irritating is not the right word, but if you're like, hey, frustrating. Yeah, or like your boundaries are being crossed. You're stating a boundary and someone's like, well, can you explain to me why you have that boundary or what that boundary is about? Why that would feel like they're not respecting your boundaries, right? I just told you, no, that may be enough. But you remember, I don't know if your parents did this, my parents didn't. Remember, for a lot of people, when your parents say, do this, and you're like, why? Because I said so. That's what I think about when if there's not spaciousness for someone to ask you why, even if it's related to a boundary, it feels similar to me. Because I said so, that should just be enough. You're missing an opportunity to understand your partner at a deeper level. I stayed a boundary and if you're curious about my boundary and you're asking why, I'm getting the practice of sharing more of myself with you, and you're getting to experience and learn more about me as well. Now, if you say why to me, like why, that's stupid, or like you're poking and prodding a bunch, that's gonna be invasive. So I think there's just a difference between how we can inquire and get curious.

Speaker 3:
[07:24] Right, framing the question in a way that is less of a defense maybe trigger. We could trigger a defense mechanism in the person you're asking instead of why. You could say, I'm curious about this, can you tell me more? Yeah, that would be an easy way to approach it.

Speaker 2:
[07:39] Yeah, and you can also for this person, you're saying you want your partner to just say, I love you, I hear your boundary. Cool, I respect that. I'd say you are in that maybe missing out though on the opportunity for deeper connection, your partner understanding you better. What might be helpful for you with your partner is to tell your partner what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Hey, when you ask why in this way, I'm feeling like a wall go up. Here's what would really work for me. Instead of asking, you decide what that is. Maybe for you, it's not why. It's like April said, well, I'm curious about that. Can you explain more? And by the way, your partner saying that doesn't mean you have to respond to. You could be like, no, I actually don't really have much more to say about that. Again, though, you might be missing out on an opportunity to share more of yourself with your partner.

Speaker 3:
[08:23] Maybe you don't know yet why you're a no.

Speaker 2:
[08:25] So you could say, I don't know. Look, I'll let you know when I know or let's check in later.

Speaker 3:
[08:30] Or I need to find out more about that. Yeah, I know it's coming from.

Speaker 2:
[08:34] Yeah. Or I have strong feelings about you asking me this. So I'm going to go and tend to that part of myself.

Speaker 3:
[08:40] So I've heard that so many times with people when I talk about sex toys, or when people are asking, they'll ask about when you were in the non-monogamy world. I don't know if you still are, but sometimes that can shift. Right. And people are like, I don't understand that. I would never do that. And I'm like, why?

Speaker 2:
[08:56] Why? Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[08:57] And then I'm like, do tell more. Just like I would love to learn more.

Speaker 2:
[09:02] So I would never have a sex to.

Speaker 3:
[09:03] I don't need one. I'm like, why?

Speaker 2:
[09:04] And by you asking why, you're not saying, oh my God, I'm judging you for not doing non-monogamy.

Speaker 3:
[09:09] Usually I tell them there's no judgment. This is a judgment- You're like, I'm just genuinely curious. This is a judgment-safe zone.

Speaker 2:
[09:13] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[09:14] Zone, zone, but zone. This is a judgment-safe zone. So are you willing to share more?

Speaker 2:
[09:19] Yeah. Yeah, there's like-

Speaker 3:
[09:20] Which sounds safe, right? Yeah. Like that's not like a triggering.

Speaker 2:
[09:23] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[09:24] Like what the fuck's wrong with you?

Speaker 2:
[09:25] Curiosity is gold, right? But there's a, I guess for this person, maybe they're thinking or what their take is that we wrote in the book something about like you're supposed to be persistent about like it'd be persistent. Like, well, tell me why you have this boundary or to get what you want. And I think that there is a difference. And maybe that wasn't how we were in the book. I don't know. I'd have to look back at it. But curiosity is really, really valuable. But it doesn't need to come with a pushiness, right? Curiosity is just that. I'm really curious about this. I might not get what I want, but I just like to know more.

Speaker 3:
[09:58] Yeah. Create a safe space for someone to share.

Speaker 2:
[10:01] Exactly. But thank you. It's a good question. And we welcome people commenting on our book and also asking us for more understanding. It helps us. This is the why, right? You just helped me understand us more.

Speaker 3:
[10:13] That's doing the work right there.

Speaker 2:
[10:14] Hey, the work.

Speaker 5:
[10:15] All right.

Speaker 3:
[10:16] Are you ready to learn about, these are not one, these are two different bios, two humans. All right.

Speaker 5:
[10:21] All in one.

Speaker 3:
[10:22] All in one. Charlie Glickman, PhD, is a sex and relationship coach, a somatic sexuality educator, sexological body worker, and author. Sarah Tomchesson is a certified sex educator and intimacy coach specializing in embodied practices and co-host of the podcast, Fuck Yeah. To learn more about Dr. Glickman, go to makesexeasy.com. And for more on the fabulous Sarah Tomchesson, go to saratomchesson.com.

Speaker 5:
[10:59] So I've been a sexuality educator and then a coach for 35 years now. Been doing this for a long time. And in a variety of ways, I worked in the sex toy retail world. That's where I was working when Amy and I originally met. I've been a university professor. I've taught workshops and classes. And for the last 10 years or so, I've been focusing on working within mostly individuals and couples in my coaching office. And one of the things I've seen throughout that entire time is that very few people will raise their hand when you ask them, would you like to learn how to communicate better? I've noticed that if I put in a workshop description, how to share your fantasies with your partner, how to make sure everybody's getting what they want, how to have a sexual experience where everybody will have a smile on their face at the end of it. People show up for that. But if I put the word communication in, even if the rest of the description is the same, attendance plummets. And I've never quite been sure where that comes from. I've always had the idea that it's at least partly because everybody thinks they're a great communicator, particularly people who maybe could use a little help. And I include me in that. We all could use a little help with our communication sometimes. We all get stuck in places. So just know that when I'm talking about communication here, really what I want to focus on is how to make sure that everybody involved is getting what they want out of the experience. Because I think that at least when it comes to a sexual situation, if we don't have that as our goal, it's really easy to forget it. And we get sort of lost in the weeds. So that's why I'm here, is how to get what you want. And I feel like I should acknowledge there's a very deep question in that piece, which is how do you even know what you want? And I know that that is a big focus in Amy and what you do and what a lot of us do in the somatic sex education world. It's a little bit outside our topic this evening, except that I would like to name that when it comes to reasons why we want to have sex, what kind of sex, who it's with, when, how, all the specific details. When we ask a question, why am I here? What do I want to get out of this? The answer is never as simple as it seems at first. There's layers and layers to it for everybody. And so, if your first impulse when I said, hey, like how do I tell your partner what you want or how to know what you want first, if the first impulse was to say, I know what I want, that's easy, maybe there's more to it for you. I know there is for me, and I've been swimming in these waters a long time. And some of that is because people have sex for lots of different reasons. About 15, 20 years ago, David Buss, who is a psychology professor at University of Texas, interviewed college students because they always use this, the convenience sample of the college students. But they asked them to list the reasons why they or somebody might choose to have sex. And they came up with 238 different reasons. Now I read through that list, and I think you could probably group them together into seven or eight categories. There should be an entire category of, I might have sex because I want my partner, I want the person I'm having sex with to reciprocate in some sort of way. And I would include in that, I want my partner to take me away for Romantic Valentine's Day weekend, so I'm going to be extra sweet. And that could include, yeah, I'll have sex with you because if I don't, I might not get the job. Two very different contexts and power dynamics, but they're both about a transaction of some sort. So I share that because 238 reasons could easily be distilled down. But I think it's worth inquiring, why am I here? Am I here for connection, soothing, attachment, pleasure, comfort, distraction, I'm bored, I miss you, lots of reasons. And what I find as a sex coach is that when we aren't aware of those reasons, they become what Marsha B calls a smuggled desire. A smuggled desire is when you have an ulterior motive, but you're not going to be direct about it. And the exercise we'll do later will help with this. A smuggled desire might be something... Here's one of mine that I catch myself doing sometimes. Instead of turning to my partner and saying, Hey, I'm hungry. I think we should get dinner going. I'll turn and say, Are you hungry? Do you think we should get dinner going? There's a smuggled desire in that because my training sometimes makes me forget that it's better for me to say, I would like this. I sort of sneak in the sideways there. Oh, and thank you for that. And it's asking for what you want is Marsha B.'s website. She is amazing. Highly recommend. But so I like to name this piece about smuggled desire because I think a lot of us have learned to do that. You know, I've talked with many, many people who rather than saying to their partner, oh, I don't like it when you touch me there, they'll kind of like wiggle and shimmy and like try to pull away. I had somebody do that to me during sex and I thought it was because they were turned on. I thought that they were like wiggling with being turned on. And I kept doing the thing that they didn't want me to do. There was a smuggled desire there that I misread. And it would have made things much easier if they had just said, I'd prefer it if you did that differently. I make it sound really easy, huh? I'm curious what thoughts folks have about this so far. If you want to raise your hand because it's a cozy group or if you want to pop it in the chat. I would, yeah, please, Kevin.

Speaker 6:
[17:30] So this has been huge for me in a long time coming. My sexual drive is what I would say pretty high. My wife, who's attending, is not. And I've looked at People Magazine, Doctors, like recommendations, AI, and all these different things like to porn stars, to, I found Shameless Sex Podcast, and they said the same thing. The one thing that every single buddy said, whether it was Shameless Sex, Doctors, People Magazine, porn stars, the one thing they said was communication. It's the number one thing that they say. And I'm like, I don't know what type of communication that I need, but it's not happening. And I know for a fact that this is what I've been searching for. And like, you know, when you say, right, people say, oh, like when you post sexual this, sexual how do I have this with my partner? It's awesome. And but the first sentence out of everybody's mouth is communication.

Speaker 5:
[18:37] So I think part of what you're getting at, it makes it tricky because you're talking about a difference in desire. And and that can happen for so many different reasons. So it's hard to be more specific because people people just have different degrees of desire with it. But I do think that there's a question here for me. Let me let me find it. The question I have in this is how do you and your partner talk about this difference in desire? That the two of you are navigating, you know, I'll give you an example not to make life it or anything, but I'm a long distance runner. I like going for five or ten mile runs. And my partner has had foot surgery on both feet and can go for a walk, but is never going to be able to go for a run with me. As much as we would both love for that to happen, it's just physically not going to happen. And it has actually led to some pretty deep conversations because, you know, a 10 mile run, I'm gone for an hour, an hour to stretch and shower afterwards, totally, that's my afternoon. So we do have to navigate this. And I share this because it's a non-sexual situation, but it still brought up a lot of my partner's feelings about not being as able-bodied as they would like to be. And it really took us several months to be able to have those talks. The one thing I could suggest is sometimes it's difficult for couples to hold the container of the conversation because you're both in it too much. And this is one reason why folks might work with a coach or a therapist. It's just somebody to like call a timeout when it needs to happen or ask for a rephrase or jump in and say, hey, wait a minute, the way you said that felt to me like it was judgmental. Is there a hidden judgment in there? That could also be really important here, particularly in the sort of situation you're describing because it's very common for shame to be part of those discussions, for fear, for attachment anxiety. So a lot of the thing that I see happen in male-female couples, especially when he has the higher libido, but not universally, because that is the stereotype, is it can create a feeling for a lot of women of feeling pressured because of all of the ways that pressure lands on women around sex. And so this invitation script, I find, really opens up spaciousness to have those talks. There is a question in the chat about what if the wants are different? And I always find that question fascinating. What's the difference between a want and a need? I had a client turn to me once and she said, I'm not needy, I'm just very wanty. And I thought that that was a really nice way to think of it. I think when our wants or our needs are different, we each get to slash have to decide, scale of 1 to 10, how much do I want this? How much do I need this? Is this a deal breaker for me? I love the scale of 1 to 10. If Amy and I were debating, like, where are we going to go and meet for coffee? And I could say, well, I want to go to this place at a 4. And she says, well, I want to go to that place at a 7. Okay, we'll go to the 7. Because it's hard to gauge how much we each want a thing. I make it sound really easy. I actually find having that tool all the time. Oh, I'm in the mood for pizza at a 7 or an 8. I've really been craving pizza all day. Okay, we'll get pizza. But next time we're going to get Chinese because that's what I want. I find that laying that foundation all of the time makes it easier to connect to it when the stakes are higher. These are skills that we need to practice as a baseline so that when the heat is on or the clothes are coming off, we've had some practice with it. A friend of mine once said once that you're supposed to learn first aid before you need it. When you slip and sprain your ankle, it's already too late to hop onto YouTube and learn how to deal with that. Similarly, we need to learn and practice these things when the stakes are lower so that when the stakes are higher, we've already built up some skills for it.

Speaker 2:
[23:15] Do you want me to read some of the-

Speaker 5:
[23:16] Yeah, please. What do we got over here?

Speaker 2:
[23:18] Communication sounds easy but comes with a lot of vulnerability and hard talks at times. Through communication, I have deepened our intimacy connection. But due to my time in the military, at times it has created a huge disconnect. We have felt it at times because our communication prior to being in service was optimal and completely open. Things have changed. It sounds like we're in a different place. I have another one after this.

Speaker 5:
[23:52] It's a really interesting thing. I've never been in the military, so I should just acknowledge that as like a limit to my personal experience with this. But I've certainly talked with and worked with folks with those histories. And I've heard two things. One is like, anybody who was in the military who experienced a trauma, whether it was a combat situation or not, because of how that often gets handled in those spaces, a lot of folks end up leaving, still carrying some or much of that trauma in their system. But even if that hasn't happened, because the communication patterns in those contexts are so rigid, there tends not to be a lot of room for flexibility and nuance. And let me tell you how I feel about this thing. No, just go and do it. And so, that can also shape or influence how we communicate afterwards, because there's a lot of habit that gets built up into that. I think it's really interesting that in the last decade or so, more and more of the military has been looking at helping people release their nervous systems. I met a guy who had been a former career Marine. I met him after he retired, and he was actually becoming a sex coach. He was saying that while he was in the military, what he learned was they don't call it crying. They call it completing the stress cycle. It's not that you're being a wimp by going to your room and crying about whatever it is that happened. You're simply completing the biological circuit in your body that allows you to relax, and it often involves tears. I thought that was an interesting reframe, rather than just saying crying is good for you. It soothes the soul, and it lets you release stress. They had to find a way to operationalize it. And so I wonder if maybe that's part of your question here. I wonder if there are ways in which your experience there sort of created habits in your system. And then there's this curiosity I have about where is there room for that to soften or relax. This seems like a good moment to tie something in because I wanted to bring up this question of relaxation before we do the exercise I want to do. Because people often, there's this question that comes up in the sex world a lot. Like, how do I create safety? How do I know when I'm safe? How do I trust that I'm safe? And I took, I had a teacher once, I took training with her where what she said is that safety in the body manifests as relaxation. The more relaxed you are, the safer you feel. Or a better way to say it, the safer you feel, the more relaxed you are. Nobody yawns when they're on a roller coaster. Either a literal or figurative roller coaster. So one way that you can play with this a little bit, here's a quick little exercise. However you're sitting, don't change how you're sitting. And take like 15 seconds and just do a quick scan of like how relaxed your body feels in this shape. And maybe do it scale of 1 to 10 if that helps. The exact number doesn't really matter. But then once you find it, maybe like lean back in your chair or lay back on the bed or like get some support behind your head if you're sitting up. And lay back. And in this shape, in this moment, do you feel more relaxed, less relaxed or about the same? And any answer is okay. Just feel into that. And take a moment and see if you can feel into how you know which position was more relaxing for you. And where do you feel that in your body? That is the feeling of whether you felt safe for sitting up or leaning back, it doesn't actually matter. What matters is being able to feel the difference between the two. Because that's how you track the safety in your system. That's how you know when you feel safe enough to have a deep conversation is like, do I feel relaxed enough to be here in connection?

Speaker 2:
[28:39] Okay, real talk. We throw around the word game changer a lot on this show.

Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
[29:43] Time to make every encounter slipperier, sexier and downright sensational. It's time to get soaking wet and keep those good times coming, literally. And the best part, soaking wet is formulated by medical doctors at VB Health. Visit soakingwet.com and use code Shameless for 10% off or click the link in the episode description.

Speaker 2:
[30:07] What's up, Shameless Sex Fam? Is your sex life important to you? What about your relationships? And also, let me ask you this, who can relate to this story? Things were once so good in the bedroom with my partner, and now it's a mess and I don't know what to do.

Speaker 3:
[30:27] Where's my happily ever after Amy?

Speaker 2:
[30:30] Yeah, what about me? Or how about so many aspects of my life are fantastic, but when it comes to sex and relationships, I feel so lost. Yep, been there.

Speaker 3:
[30:40] Me too. This is why you all need Shameless Sex, the book. We give you simple solutions and a framework that you can use. You can customize it to you. Yes, you gives you the tools, the right tools for your sex and relationship. So you get what you desire and it's fun. It's playful. Right, Amy? We're always playful. It's kind of sexy. Did I mention how easy we make it for you? You have to check out Shameless Sex plus the testimonials, they're coming in from everywhere. This book has helped people just like you recreate and create the sex life of their dreams. So you can do it too. Go to, where are they going, Amy?

Speaker 1:
[31:22] shamelesssex.com.

Speaker 3:
[31:24] Oh, how easy is that? Just go to shamelesssex.com and click on the book, okay? And you can get it however you choose.

Speaker 2:
[31:31] You want hardcover, audio.

Speaker 3:
[31:32] Hardcover?

Speaker 2:
[31:33] We got you hardcovered. We are so excited to have you here.

Speaker 1:
[31:41] Back at you. So you know, pleasure is a big topic. So I appreciate that we are breaking it down into bite size pieces because there's so many different directions we could take, right? When talking about pleasure literacy and how to invite more pleasure into your life. And the way that I think of pleasure is as a practice. But unfortunately, a lot of us have been trained around pleasure as a performance, which really changes how you show up to pleasurable experiences. So tonight is going to be oriented around how you can make pleasure a practice. And that really starts with understanding your environment, getting good information as far as your body's receptivity to its signals, understanding your own nervous system, and then developing a vocabulary, a language for how your body, your full self shows up in different contexts. We're also going to talk about touch tonight and how to create a more diverse vocabulary of touch. All right. A brief overview of what we're covering, nurturing an environment that invites pleasure in, noticing, interpreting, and being able to respond to your body's signals. We're going to talk about the resilient edge of resistance, which I know probably sounds like a big term, but maybe there's a couple of folks here who've heard about it, but mostly it's just about finding your edges. And then we'll do some pleasure mapping. So I'm curious who taught you about pleasure? When you think back to your earliest memories of how pleasure was modeled for you, or perhaps the belief system that was passed on to you about pleasure, what were those lessons and who was teaching you those lessons? Like the blind leading the blind, our peers, maybe a little porn, father, uncle, grandfather, porn, definitely wasn't school. Dr. Tara in this Shameless Sex Podcast. Well, those are actually really excellent educators. When we think back about some of our early lessons around pleasure, we're not thinking necessarily of pleasure in this ecosystem of our life, right? Where pleasure is responsive, meaning that it's in conversation and informed by the context of your life, your past experiences, and really your intimacy with yourself, in addition to like the intimacy that you have with other people, right? And when you want to invite more pleasure into your life in general, or into your sex life specifically, sometimes we come against blocks. And a lot of those blocks are inherited through the messages that we received, either from the culture, from our caregivers, from institutions about pleasure. And so just like as we go through this tonight, I just want to invite you to notice where your blocks show up, not just today, but forever and always, because there's really helpful information there. And oftentimes whether it's shame or lack of permission or misunderstanding, those blocks are not even necessarily stories that are really informing how you're showing up in your life or with your partners or how you want to be showing up. A lot of it tends to be old stories. So as much as you can hold those old stories with a bit of a discerning eye, and also some softness and some grace, because underneath every restrictive pleasure story, there is something protective there. At some point, someone was trying to keep you safe, whether it was your parent, your church, perhaps your own self. When we think of pleasure as being responsive, we understand that it is also informed by all of these cultural stories that we inherit about, that tend to be pretty restrictive. So a couple of things that I like to clear out right off the bat is that pleasure often gets equated with orgasms. And while orgasms can be very pleasurable, there are so many other forms of pleasure that you can experience in your day to day. One of my favorite examples of this and something that I try to practice on an almost daily basis is like my first sip of coffee in the morning. I have figured out how to make my perfect cup of coffee and I like hold it in my hands and I feel the warmth of it. I smell it because I put a little bit of cinnamon in it. I feel that first sip going down. I feel the warmth fill my body. I feel that delicious taste hit my tongue. That is a pleasure practice for me. When I'm talking about pleasure practices, just know that this doesn't mean that I'm specifically talking about massive, multi-orgasmic sessions of sex, right? Also, a lot of folks have baggage around pleasure needing to be earned. Pleasure is not productivity based. It is really something that you do simply for enjoyment. It's not linear, it's not performative and it is not immune to stress, grief, trauma, or relationship conflict, or other things that are going on in your life, right? So where do you start in terms of nurturing an environment that is conducive to pleasure? So when you're thinking about inviting more pleasure in, something I encourage you to do is think about an environment, not just the physical environment around you, but the emotional and the embodied environment that you create within yourself that invites pleasure in. Safety really comes before enjoyment. So we have so many protective strategies that are built in to our bodies and that then are reinforced through conditioning, through our lived experiences that shape our access to pleasure. It's actually really helpful that your nervous system sometimes prioritizes your survival over pleasure. But even if your nervous system is trained to be on high alert, you can still access pleasure. It just means you need to be really intentional about creating the conditions for pleasure. And the same is true even if you're not somewhat, you know, you're like, I'm very zen, I know how to get relaxed. The same formulas, tools are going to work for you if you're just trying to deepen your experiences with pleasure. So these are some things that I have identified that are characteristics of an environment in which pleasure thrives. Presence, relaxation, safety, openness and receptivity, an absence of pressure and a presence of boundaries. But I'm super curious if there are other elements that you all have identified as far as like, these are things that I need in order to really sink or melt into a pleasure experience. My life in general needs to be stable. Yeah. And you know, I mean, speaking to that point, there are a lot of pretty disruptive things happening in the world right now, right? So this is a really interesting time to be talking about inviting more pleasure in. Because when you're thinking about pleasure as being contextual, when we are in like constant digital overload and bombarded with unprecedented news and living in a state of burnout, it can be feel really challenging to find pleasure in the simple moments. And there can be a lot of pressure around the pleasure that you're seeking in your intimate relationships and in sex. We've got another shout out for emotional connection. So that's fantastic. I really appreciate that. Intention, reminder to myself to feel. Yep. And that can be a hard thing to do when you're overwhelmed or burnt out. Not being in my head, quiet mental chatter. Absolutely. Joy. Yes. I know pleasure begets more pleasure, right? Rested, resourced. I love that term. So these are things that are kind of just the baseline state of affairs as far as the conditions that you want to create for yourself before you're embarking on any pleasure explorations. Whether it's like a new erotic adventure, or just generally trying to be in connected, sexy flow with your partner or with yourself. Now, when we're thinking about pleasure as being something, especially erotic pleasure being something that's really experienced in the body, you want to think about using all of the tools available to you, and how do you wake up the body? What are ways that you get out of your head and into your body? We did some breath work at the beginning of this session. I also really like to encourage people to start thinking about their senses as a tool in your pleasure toolbox. Because when you can awaken your sensory experiencing, it helps you get grounded in your body. I would love to hear from folks either in the chat or you can jump off the chat. What are pleasurable sensory elements that you have in your rotation right now already, as far as smell, taste, visual cues, sound, and touch? What are some of the things you rely on to create pleasurable experiences in your day-to-day? I love baths with essential oil and coconut oil added in. Yes, you've got the warmth of the bath, the feel of the water, the smell of the essential oils. Slowing down while eating, beautiful. Being present during your shower. Getting outside, the sun and the fresh air. Music, pets, breathwork, hearing my partner breathe, music. Being outside in the wildness, being present, delicious slow meals. Keeping my head up when I walk. Yeah, that's a good one. I know how many of us just kind of stare down at the ground and kind of miss everything that's passing us by. I have a few here as well as inspiration, exercise, yoga, yes, moving your body, wonderful. So there's so much to work with when you're thinking of like a sexual sensory toolbox, but things like someone mentioned their pet, like the sound of your cat's purr can be a pleasure experience, right? Dancing, yes, absolutely, a very sensorial practice. A beautiful view can be something that transitions you into a different headspace. And how I like to think of these sensory tools, I think of them as bridges. So, a lot of us have a long to-do list every day, a number of obligations, people that we're accountable to, perhaps work that stresses us out, right? So, how do you go from that kind of go, go, go, go, go headspace to transitioning into a more pleasure-receptive state of being? You have to have bridges that help get you there. These can be rituals, like the act of getting out of your work clothes and transitioning into your cozies, or perhaps lingerie, right? That's a ritual that acts as a bridge. But you can also use these sensory elements as intentional bridges that bring you into a space where, ah, now I am naming and being intentional about practicing pleasure. And it really is that simple. It can be like taking a bite of a fresh strawberry, really letting the flavors explode in your mouth, taking a couple breaths to enjoy that moment, and you've reset. And now you can dive into a practice that is more, let's say, gourmet or embodied or erotic, right?

Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
[48:48] Newsflash, everybody, we are picky about our lubes.

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 1:
[50:18] So these are just a few things to be thinking about. I'm going to stop my share because I'm going to have you all do a short practice just as you're thinking about like, gosh, there's so many things that are working against me as far as having these deep, embodied, pleasurable experiences. There's slight adjustments that you can make in your environment, inviting sensory elements in that suddenly change the whole context, right? So now when you're layering on to an environment that is receptive to pleasure, we want to enhance our ability to notice, interpret, and name our body's signals. And the little bit that I've gotten to see of the videos from this space, I already can tell that Amy and Ian have created a very pleasure, receptive environment here. So let's dive into a somatic check-in. We're going to be identifying pleasurable experiences in the body, pleasure signals, and seeing if we can expand them a little bit. And it is totally okay if the only thing that shows up for you is being a little bit less uncomfortable than you were when you started the session today, right? So there's no wrong way to do this. But I'm going to have you all close your eyes or just hold a soft gaze. And just sigh out any tension. You can move around and like wiggle if you need to. I certainly noticed back pain when we were in the first round of grounding exercise. So just get as comfortable as you can. And really feel gravity pulling the weight of your body down. Just trying to let yourself get soft. And any noise or movement that you need to make in order to do that is totally welcome. And now just feel into the spot where you're sitting. Let yourself really notice where your body is making contact with your chair and the ground. If you wanna notice how your breath feels, filling your diaphragm deeper into your belly, and just allowing some more release with each breath. And now imagine we're gonna go from our feet to the top of our head. We're gonna do a scan. Like imagine you've got a lighthouse spotlight or flashlight running up your body. Just start noticing any sensations, your toes, your feet, up to your ankles, your calves. We're gonna keep going up. Just make note without judgment of any sensation you feel. And if there is a way to invite more comfort in, I encourage you to do that. Let your awareness rise to your thighs, your butt cheeks, your pelvic floor, your belly, keep breathing, bring your attention up to your chest, your shoulders, your neck. See if you can relax your jaw, take in your head. There's a little bit of pressure saying I see you. Hey, what's going on there? If you wanna let yourself smile, give this good feeling some encouragement. What color is it? Does it have a weight? Is there something that you could do, maybe breathe into it, or imagine it's spreading a bit past its edges? How big can this feeling get? How much space can you let it have in your body? How does it shift and change as you're bringing your awareness and your attention to this good feeling? If you could name this feeling, what would it be? Is it light, steady, anchored? Just imagine this feeling reaching its full potential. We're gonna just take one more breath here. When you're ready, just lightly open your eyes. What did you notice? What shifted with you bringing your attention to your body in this way? Noticing sensations. There was a softening everywhere. Some tenderness came up. Yeah. Slowed way down and got super relaxed. I felt lighter. Could feel it in multiple parts of my body. There were waves of sensation. Nice. Softening to some of the surrounding areas. Mainly stayed in that general area. Feeling my breath, feeling each part of me and life filling my pelvic floor. Went from frozen stone to ripe peach. Wow. That's lovely. So pleasure literacy really starts with paying attention, with just noticing what feels good, what's neutral, what's unpleasant, where am I at my edge? You know, what sensations can you actually notice and attune to in your body throughout the day? Not just during sex. Like what's amazing about this is that if you start noticing some of those feelings, you've described here, you know, like when there are waves of sensation, experiences that make you feel lighter, things that can thaw the peach, right? Then it's really easy to continue to drop into those sensations. You start building muscle memory for them. One of the things I will say, and I actually had a recent, very recent experience with this, is that as you start tuning more into your body, you will also start to notice sensations of discomfort more as well, and you may become a little bit more sensitive to them. So I had my last wisdom tooth out two weeks ago. I had my other three wisdom teeth out when I was a teenager. And this experience of recovering, granted, I'm 25 years older, so there is that. But this experience of recovering from my wisdom tooth, because I no longer shut down the sensations in my body, was a very tender raw experience that was not particularly comfortable. So, you know, shutting down these sensations in your body does serve a purpose. And certainly, sometimes, you're going to have to do that. But as you start to name and notice and allow pleasurable sensations in your body, you really start building your own understanding of what your particular range of sensory experiencing is, right? And so, yes, sometimes where you're starting from is like, oh, okay, there's less pain now in this moment. Great. That is something you can build on, right? And certainly, if like your nervous system is just totally fried or overperforming, the noticing is a stage that you have to spend a little bit more time in, but it does help you start shifting your awareness into your body and teaching you that your body is a safe place to be. And just a quick side note here, when you start noticing and your instinct is to go, ugh, what is wrong with me? There's a slight reframe here, which is just to get curious and approach your body like, oh, that's interesting. That's new information that I'm learning, right? Because we all experience these ranger sensations, we all have the bad sensations, we have the good ones, we have the neutral ones, we have the dead zones in our body, and it's all just information that you have to work with. Because once you're really able to notice, I have this body, it experiences a range of sensations, some of them are good, some of them are not as great, you get to start choosing the practices that are going to work best for you, that help to give you that softness, that relaxation, that receptivity, which is going to really help you to build deeper, more meaningful pleasure in your day-to-day and in your sex. I'm going to share my screen. We're going to talk about it a little bit. Because as you're developing your pleasure practices, and as we go in to pleasure mapping, it is helpful to know, just like, okay, so this is generally how my body experiences the world. These are the range of sensations that I have on a daily basis, right? When you start getting into expanding your touch vocabulary, it's also really helpful to know what is my range of touch that I enjoy. And the edge is a place where a lot of people experience growth, intrigue, fantasy, and desire. So it's kind of helpful to know ways that you can play with your edges. So the resilient edge of resistance, and this, you could apply this theory also to like, how you relate to people or what comes up when you're in conflict, right? It is the threshold where something feels challenging, but it is still tolerable. So when you reach that edge, the resilient edge of resistance, you are not necessarily comfortable, but you're not overwhelmed. You're still able to access choice, curiosity, stay in arousal, stay present in your body. And you can kind of feel some resistance or like a push-pull without needing to shut down. Your body kind of goes like, oh, I'm a little bit on my edge. I'm very alert now, right? Like, let's think of a sensation that might give that to us. A quick slap, right? Imagine like the crack of a whip, right? Whoa, I'm awake now. It's like, we're playing in that space with the resilient edge of resistance, but it's not sending you over the edge. It's not too much, right? It's not pushing you past your level of consent. And like, this is a fun place to hang out in a state of arousal because many of us rush towards climax. And if you want to expand your pleasure, you've got to kind of know where your edges are and how you can play with them. Yellow is a great way to think of it. Like, I'm approaching the point where this is not going to feel good anymore. But it is a place where you can hang out or you can dabble, right? And from a sensory perspective, you want to think about like your range of your sensory vocabulary existing possibly between two resilient edges of resistance. Because there can be sensations that are too soft, right? Like, has anyone experienced that of like, oh, that's fucking annoying. Like, please do not touch me like that. Like, I am not a fragile little teacup, right? Like, I need a little bit more pressure or umph or something, right? So, we have a soft resilient edge of resistance, and we have a certain level of intensity where it feels good to hang out right up until this point, but I can't take more than that, right? I think we did this Monday with slower than slow and then slower than that. Great, yes. And what you'll notice when you start allowing a little bit of space in your touch for these edges to be part of your touch vocabulary, is your edge might move a little bit. It might retreat, might be like, oh, I thought I wanted that quick crack of the whip, but I have discovered I do not, right? Or you might be like, wow, I now have found a way to sink into myself in this edge, where now I'm sort of curious about something more. So why do I want you to become familiar with your edges? It's because having the versatility as far as how you touch yourself, how you touch your partner, can help you build more arousal in your body. And the reason that this is important is because the more arousal you can build in your body, the more pleasure you're going to experience in your sex. And it's also just gonna help you in terms of integrating pleasure in even when perhaps you're like, do I even have the energy for that? Like if you've got a really versatile touch vocabulary, you can kind of show up to a lot of different contexts and be prepared to experience some wonderful pleasure in many different contexts. So how do you build layers of sensation in the body? Well, our skin is our largest organ. So why, in sex, do we spend so much time heading straight for the clit and the penis? And maybe if we're lucky, we throw a little bit of nipples in there, right? Like our skin is so alive. Your entire body can be an erogenous stone, which is why I love pleasure mapping so much. But when you dive right into really nerve rich centers of the body, in pursuit of orgasm, you skip over a lot of your pleasure potential. So we are going to, in a minute, do a practice where we are massaging, touching, squeezing, maybe spanking, maybe a little bit of tickling. Maybe you've got some ice cubes nearby, right? You're going to want to explore a whole range of sensations. We're going to pick one area of the body to do this. And one thing I just want to say is that engaging in touch, in non-sexual contexts, is also essential. So even though this practice is going to be very much about, like, how can we really tap into the kind of touch that we find erotic, just know that touch has to exist in your life outside of sex. Otherwise, sex then comes with just a whole bunch of pressure, right? Like, the second there's touch, oh, God, they're going to want to fuck, and I don't want to, right? When the case might be, actually, that, like, if you have a really versatile touch vocabulary, and you're engaging in touch a lot, you might find that you become much more curious about expanding that touch in a lot of different ways in context that you normally wouldn't have been interested in it. So, we are going to talk a little bit about lesser erogenous zones. What do I mean when I say lesser erogenous zones? Like, our whole body can be an erogenous zone, but think about areas on your body that are maybe slightly ticklish. So, we've got the lower belly, you've got under the arms, maybe like the sides of your rib cage, behind the knees, the feet, the inside of your elbows, your neck, behind your ears. These are all areas that are nerve rich. So, use them in your touch, and think about creating a layered experience, so that you're kind of working from the outside in, like we're working from these nerve centers that are really alive, and gradually working to the higher concentration of nerve endings. So, you're using your lesser erogenous zones, as you make your way gradually towards the genitals, and like the erectile tissue in the body, which is also the nipples, right? Here is my vulva puppet. Here is my penis. We think of them as being very different. They are really not that different. It's just that the erectile tissue in our genitals is configured differently. On a penis-having body, it is external to the body. You can see it, and it gets, as the blood flows in during arousal, it gets hard, it gets bigger, it gets longer, it gets more sensitive. And so we're like, ah, that makes sense. Whereas people are like, we don't, I don't know what's happening with the clit. The exact same thing is happening with the clit. As you touch these lesser erogenous zones, blood starts flowing. It flows straight to this erectile tissue right here. It just happens that a lot of it is internal to the body. So the clit gets bigger too with arousal. It just doesn't get big in the same way that the penis does, right? So this little external portion of the vulva that we think of as kind of the epicenter of pleasure on vulva having bodies is really literally the tip of the iceberg. So how do we access our genitals in this approach of thinking about, like we're heading gradually towards the nerve centers, which is the underside of the head of the penis, the underside of the clit? Well, the pubic mound is a fantastic stop on this journey. So here on vulva, it is like where the pubic bone is, you're pressing into this area, you're able to provide massage that is indirectly stimulating the clitoris. The pubic mound is also a pleasure center on a penis having body. And if you like put, I have a vibrating cock ring on here right now, you know, you like put that vibrator on, you get that deep vibration into the pubic mound. There is a portion of the penis that is actually internal to the body. So you can all add an extra inch to your length if that makes you feel awesome. Right. But the pubic mound is a really nice way to get some additional blood flowing in. And why do we want that blood flowing in? It's because it fills these nerve centers, it engorges them, and it makes them more sensitive to touch. So you're really missing out on your body's full pleasure potential when you rush straight towards the orgasm. I'm not saying to drop your quickies. I'm not saying to like ditch your good old like, I know that this kind of sex works for me. We can get off in 10 minutes or less. Like absolutely, you need to have those things in your toolbox. But when you're wanting to really expand your pleasure, think about ways that you can be building more blood flow in your body and really taking your time before you're heading straight into the nerve centers. One more area to think about is the perineum. So this pressure point between the testicles and the anus and between the vaginal opening, this doesn't have an anus on it, I'm sorry, but you can imagine that it's there. There's a pressure point right here. Right here on the penis, it's also indirectly stimulating the prostate. So if you take out, say like a wand massager and apply some vibration up here, or even flip the cock ring over, you're indirectly stimulating the prostate. The thing that's fantastic about the perineum, is it is a relaxation point that helps to relax the entire pelvic floor. So all of those muscles, like we are a culture of tight asses. Like we can really squeeze and hold, right? So any kind of like massage that you can do to this area, if you are someone who is over, like kind of hyper tense as far as your PC muscles go, you feel like you're clenching that butthole all the time. The perineum is your front. Some lubricant, some coconut oil, apply some massage here before having any sex and it's just gonna help relax the whole area. Because the thing to know is that fantastic sex is obviously a mind-body connection journey. But physiologically, you need the blood flow and you need your muscles to be able to do a tense and a release in order to have the kind of orgasmic response that your body is fully capable of. An orgasm is both a tension and a release of these muscles. So having relaxation in your pelvic floor is really essential to the elasticity, to your body being able to do this contraction and release.

Speaker 2:
[78:33] All right, everyone, that is the end of your little taste from the Intimacy Rewired program. If you would like to learn more, these are just two clips from two speakers. We had other speakers beyond the fabulous Sarah Tomchesson and Dr. Charlie Glickman. If you listen to episode 474, you can hear clips from Dr. Nazanin Mowali, who spoke on shame and the importance of working through shame and how to do that, as well as Keely Rankin, MA, all about safety and boundaries and how important that is in having great connections and fantastic sex. There's also episode 458, which is me, myself, and I. No, not just myself and I with Ian Stratton. April's on the episode as well. Ian is who I co-facilitate this entire course with. So you can learn more about Intimacy Rewired there. As we said in the beginning of this episode, our next cohort is in September of 2026. This is an online six-week program, and it is for anyone and everyone, and particularly really helpful for couples who are feeling stuck, lost, like you're in patterns, you're in loops, communication can be hard, connection can be disconnected, and after the six weeks, you will leave a whole new person with new tools and skills and probably deeper connection and maybe some hotter sex. So to learn more about that, go to intimacyrewired.com and go and follow us on social media. That is Intimacy.Rewired. You can go to Instagram, and I believe when you follow us, you get a free gift, which is a toolkit on how to, and this is funny, how to always win your fights, and meaning tools on how to deal with and tend to disconnection and arguments and mismatches in communication in an easier way where everyone wins. So we like to keep things fun, easy, and playful. That is the Intimacy Rewired way. So hope to see you in our next cohort and also go sign up for the newsletter on the Intimacy Rewired site, because when we send out discounts to sign up, you will be the first to know. Alright, that is it. Enjoy your day, your life, and as April would say if she was here, ciao for now. To learn more, go to shamelesssex.com.

Speaker 3:
[80:51] And for 15% off some of our favorite sex toys, use code shamelesssex at purepleasureshop.com.