Beauty and the Atheist

title Beauty and the Atheist

description This week, science's very own Forrest Valkai joins us for an atheist review of Beauty and the Atheist; the story of what Donald James Parker would've said during that evolution debate if he'd thought of it ... and been a sexy young woman that Forrest couldn't resist.
Yes, that's really what the movie is about.
Check out more from Forrest at ValkaiLabs.comCheck out the "debate" that inspired the film here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3rrKrUeyPYIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

pubDate Tue, 21 Apr 2026 11:00:00 GMT

author Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC

duration 8938000

transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:04] So, like, I get that we're talking about him right now, but I don't, like, think about him on a daily basis. Forrest, he's thinking about you right now.

Speaker 2:
[00:13] I haven't thought about him since somebody sent me this, and he has thought about me every single day.

Speaker 3:
[00:19] Every shower, he thinks about you in the shower.

Speaker 2:
[00:21] Every single shower.

Speaker 4:
[00:22] He put lines, he booked locations.

Speaker 5:
[00:26] He keeps, it's just, oh.

Speaker 4:
[00:28] Changed batteries and microphones. He's thinking about you.

Speaker 1:
[00:31] Bagels.

Speaker 5:
[00:37] God Awful Movies.

Speaker 3:
[00:50] Welcome back to the GAMCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema, because according to some filmmakers, it pays, quote, pretty handsomely. I'm your host, Noah Lugeons, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath Enwright. Heath, welcome back.

Speaker 1:
[01:03] We got gramps back. I'm so excited.

Speaker 3:
[01:06] We do, we do. Well, let me dive into my caviar here for just a second. Oh, that's so good.

Speaker 4:
[01:11] Let's warm it up, warm up the voice.

Speaker 3:
[01:13] Sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Speaker 4:
[01:19] I'm here on the podcast where I am also on it.

Speaker 3:
[01:22] Yep, you are. You are. There are three of us on this podcast.

Speaker 4:
[01:25] Three on the podcast. Normally. And one is very distinctive, the third one. Very important.

Speaker 3:
[01:30] Also adds a lot to the...

Speaker 1:
[01:31] Forrest, the crazy vibes are going to be the whole time now, just so you know.

Speaker 3:
[01:35] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[01:35] No, it's okay. I'm settling in.

Speaker 4:
[01:37] Cool. Gave away this guy's license plate, makes a movie about you, embarrassed him with three fucking follow up questions. He makes a whole movie about you.

Speaker 3:
[01:44] It's fine.

Speaker 5:
[01:44] You're cool.

Speaker 3:
[01:45] All right.

Speaker 4:
[01:46] And even make the B team.

Speaker 3:
[01:47] And that voice that Eli is getting upset about in advance, by the way, is a brand new guest, a guest that we're super excited to welcome to the show. Forrest Valkai is a biologist and a science communicator who you might know from YouTube, TikTok, or just basically being the nice version of us. Forrest, so excited to finally have you on the show.

Speaker 2:
[02:06] I'm so happy to be here. If you don't like me, blame Eli, because he's the one who emailed me.

Speaker 3:
[02:11] Right. There you go. There you go. So, tell us, Heath, we've hinted a little bit, but give it to us in all its glory. What will we be breaking down today?

Speaker 1:
[02:19] We watched Beauty and the Atheist. From forth, the fatal loins of the battle between God and Godless. A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. An atheist rock star and a Christian he falls in love with. It's the story of how Seth Andrews doesn't exist and can't exist.

Speaker 3:
[02:43] It cannot exist in this universe. And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Speaker 4:
[02:48] Well, if you love the films of Donald James Parker, and we do. Who doesn't? But you wish you'd finally take out the sword of his wit and give us a taste of our own medicine.

Speaker 1:
[03:00] Exact words.

Speaker 4:
[03:01] You will love this movie.

Speaker 3:
[03:04] He described it as a sword-like wit in his own fucking movie.

Speaker 5:
[03:08] You wouldn't like me when I'm witty.

Speaker 1:
[03:10] What kind of sword is he picturing?

Speaker 2:
[03:14] I can't handle the fact that this is actually him bringing the heat. Like that's what blew me away. So just pre-caring, I have been told that I need to watch this movie by like three dozen people. I've gotten emails. I've gotten messages.

Speaker 3:
[03:27] I can't imagine why.

Speaker 2:
[03:29] Yeah, the FBI showed up at my door and wanted to make sure I was safe. Like so many people have asked me if I could watch this movie. And I the whole time was like what people were hinting. They were like, I think he made this about you. And I'm like, oh, come on. Like I am not full of myself enough to think that. And then I watched it and I pooped every pair of pants I have. Because like it is insane that this is his actual clap back. This was his aegis. I can't I can't handle that.

Speaker 1:
[03:59] He hit himself in the face trying to do a clap back. It's amazing.

Speaker 3:
[04:03] It really really yes exactly exactly. Somehow got his nuts in between.

Speaker 2:
[04:07] He clapped back but he shit in his hands before he started clapping.

Speaker 3:
[04:10] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[04:11] Right.

Speaker 1:
[04:11] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[04:12] Yes. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Speaker 1:
[04:17] Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst facial expressions. And I mean of the quote actors that are working with him.

Speaker 3:
[04:24] Sure.

Speaker 1:
[04:25] Because we get to watch them have to read his script and recite his stupid lines. Bon Mo sword like witticisms. And they hate it so fucking much. But they have to have to do it because he won't say cut and they can't leave yet.

Speaker 3:
[04:41] Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[04:42] That's his camcorder. And he'll say when the take is over.

Speaker 2:
[04:45] They earned the $50 they got paid for this.

Speaker 3:
[04:48] Yeah. Right. I was kidding. Some of that was, well, the pizza that we all shared was subtracted out of that.

Speaker 2:
[04:54] But yeah, of course. Pizza doesn't grow on trees.

Speaker 3:
[04:57] It's $50 total.

Speaker 4:
[05:00] But he didn't tip.

Speaker 5:
[05:01] And that's what's important.

Speaker 1:
[05:02] And all the lines he writes, it's just like repartee all the time that he thinks he's in and he thinks he's winning. So he writes these stupid little expressions for them that are like, they're like movie references from whenever. And they have to be like more like garbanzo beans, right? Garbanzo.

Speaker 4:
[05:21] 1912 is when all the movie references are in.

Speaker 1:
[05:24] It's called Garbanzo, right?

Speaker 2:
[05:26] I don't want to give away too much, but like really that is the whole movie. And it's not just this one.

Speaker 3:
[05:31] Yeah, it's everything he's ever done, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[05:33] But especially this movie, the entire thing is an argument that he had with his soap bottles in the shower. Like that's the entire fucking film.

Speaker 3:
[05:41] It is shower argument with Forrest, the movie.

Speaker 1:
[05:45] It's the best. And he's losing to himself in the shower. He loses to himself in his own shower argument.

Speaker 3:
[05:54] Not only does he lose to himself, but he loses and gets hysterical. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yes.

Speaker 1:
[05:59] You're supposed to masturbate in the shower. He loses at that. It's fantastic.

Speaker 2:
[06:04] He masturbates on the screen instead.

Speaker 3:
[06:08] So I went with Best Worst Atheist Podcast, because of course this movie is about an atheist podcaster because Graham's our good friend Donald James Parker debated, I don't know if I'd call it debated, but spoke with Forrest over an extended period, which we'll have linked in the show notes. You should listen to it if you can stomach it. If for no other reason than the fact that in true Donald James Parker fashion, he never manages to get his own face in frame on the goddamn Zoom call.

Speaker 2:
[06:33] And I can't stress enough, he brands himself as an IT guy in everything he does.

Speaker 3:
[06:40] Yes. Yes.

Speaker 2:
[06:41] And then he sees his camera angle as this, or this, the whole fucking film. Like that's the whole interview.

Speaker 4:
[06:50] The whole time. He's also very obviously, because I really, I studied that film like faces of death. Right? Remember when you could go to the video store? It was kind of faces of death. Because he's so nervous. You watch Forrest be like, oh, I'm in helper mode, right?

Speaker 2:
[07:07] I was so not, we're going to talk about it, but I was so nice to him. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[07:11] You were like, all right, Gramps. Yep.

Speaker 2:
[07:13] Let's go.

Speaker 4:
[07:14] And then Gramps shows up and he's like, which way is the camera? And you're like, oh, um. It's so, do you need a doctor?

Speaker 3:
[07:23] But that's the impetus for this movie, right? This is his shower argument with Forrest, the movie. And so during that film, he has to present to us what he thinks an atheist podcast looks like, right? He's got his guys recording an atheist podcast. And I love that that's as far in as his mind was willing to go as to what that might sound like.

Speaker 4:
[07:44] Yeah, Forrest, it's exactly like you imagined. We have very nice studios filled with lights and microphones. Of our many employees. Yes, Ginger, if you don't mind, I'm podcasting right now.

Speaker 2:
[07:57] It's such a pain. It is such a pain to watch.

Speaker 3:
[07:59] And, Forrest, did you have a best worst for us?

Speaker 2:
[08:02] I want to say it's the best worst use of generative AI in lieu of actual direction. And especially towards the end, I don't want to spoil anything, but especially towards the end, there's a very, very uncomfortably long sequence that very, very clearly wasn't thought about very hard. And so you get what are pretty obviously just still frames extracted from bad footage and then put into Gemini to shit out what should have been in the movie for longer than it needed to be in the movie by about like 30 times.

Speaker 4:
[08:41] To a Suno song.

Speaker 2:
[08:43] To an 80 yard Suno song. I don't want to give away. It will get there. But like it is Jesus of Christ Land. It is a wild ride through this whole film.

Speaker 3:
[08:54] A ton of fun.

Speaker 1:
[08:55] For a while, I thought a different audio file just got dropped into a different video file and they were like, it, we're going.

Speaker 3:
[09:02] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[09:03] And I'm going to go with best worst re-adjudication because as Noah just introduced, this is Donald's fantasy way of re-having the debate. Now look, we've seen a lot of Christian debate fantasies. Ten, probably? Where they're like, but why are there still monkeys? And then the atheist is like, and our head fucking explodes, right? We've seen them.

Speaker 2:
[09:24] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[09:25] I need to be clear without spoiling too much of the movie that the way Donald re-adjudicated his debate with Forrest was to make himself a pretty lady, who Forrest is in love with. He didn't have to do it.

Speaker 5:
[09:39] He wanted to have sex with me. How about if I had turned on my womanly charm?

Speaker 2:
[09:45] He could have made this movie about himself.

Speaker 5:
[09:48] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[09:48] He could have just won.

Speaker 2:
[09:50] He has made every other movie about himself. Yep. And in this one instance, instead of, he took a, again, I don't want to spoil anything here for everybody, but I'm about to, but like, it's not a major spoiler. It is the end of the movie, but holy shit, you can see it coming from a mile away. This man who has made this career making movies of just totally just self masturbatory movies about himself as the smartest, funniest, sexiest, most talented, most amazing man in the world. Yes. Instead took a break from that and spent months or maybe years fantasizing about me becoming his son-in-law.

Speaker 4:
[10:30] To him, to pseudo, he's there and he's the girl.

Speaker 3:
[10:35] Right. So after he met Forrest, he was like, but what if he was in love with me? There's, you know, that was the impetus for the film.

Speaker 2:
[10:44] What if I was a conventionally, conventionally attracted blonde woman? Then he would know Jesus.

Speaker 5:
[10:51] One by my wife.

Speaker 1:
[10:52] If you're being honest, that would have changed your mind a little bit. If that's what had happened.

Speaker 2:
[10:57] I'm not saying it wouldn't have done nothing. I'm just maybe Gramps could buy a wig and we'll have another interview.

Speaker 5:
[11:03] All right.

Speaker 3:
[11:03] Well, there you go.

Speaker 2:
[11:05] Nothing's not on the table.

Speaker 3:
[11:06] And if if he was in a claw machine when he did it, that would be ideal.

Speaker 4:
[11:10] So that would be then. Then he'd get to talk twice. All right.

Speaker 3:
[11:13] Well, I've been looking forward to this one for a while. So we're going to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the you know what? I should have said that is the beauty and the atheist.

Speaker 4:
[11:26] Oh, man.

Speaker 1:
[11:27] Hey, Eli. Where have you been?

Speaker 3:
[11:30] You've been gone for a while.

Speaker 4:
[11:32] Well, so I tried to take Forrest to lunch to thank him for letting us sully his reputation as a serious thinker.

Speaker 1:
[11:37] Of course. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[11:39] But then when the food came, the portions were way too big for my GLP-1 and we had to leave.

Speaker 3:
[11:45] And that stinks. I'm sorry, Eli. Well, but if you're on a GLP-1 and you'd like meals that are just right, you should try Factor.

Speaker 5:
[11:52] What's Factor?

Speaker 3:
[11:54] Factor has meals built around your goals, whether that's weight loss, overall nutrition, more protein or GLP-1 support. Heck, for strength and workout recovery, check out Factor's Muscle Pro Collection.

Speaker 4:
[12:04] Wow. But don't those meal kits get kind of samey?

Speaker 3:
[12:07] Not with Factor. With over 100 rotating weekly meals, including globally inspired flavors like Mediterranean and Asian, there's always something new to look forward to.

Speaker 4:
[12:16] But have you actually tried it?

Speaker 3:
[12:17] I've been trying it every week for years. Factor sent us a box to try when they first became a sponsor and I've been a customer ever since. I love how meals that follow my heart healthy diet are ready to heat and eat in as little as two minutes.

Speaker 1:
[12:29] As little as two minutes? I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

Speaker 3:
[12:32] Head to factormeals.com/awful50 Off and use the code AWFUL50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27th, 2026. See website for more details.

Speaker 4:
[12:44] All right, Noah. Thanks.

Speaker 1:
[12:46] Sorry. I don't understand. If you couldn't finish your food, why did you guys have to leave?

Speaker 4:
[12:51] Oh, I tried to ingest it elsewhere.

Speaker 1:
[12:53] Yeah, got it.

Speaker 3:
[12:54] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[12:54] No, it looked like a good sandwich.

Speaker 3:
[12:56] A sandwich?

Speaker 1:
[12:57] No, I mean, I get it. I get it.

Speaker 3:
[13:03] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[13:05] I called order of the first writer's room meeting for Beauty and the Atheist.

Speaker 3:
[13:10] Well, I guess it's just me here in the room. All right, Donald. Well, now that debate against Forrest, well, it did not go well, but it's okay as Bob Barker says, let's make a deal. I think that was him.

Speaker 2:
[13:27] So how could I have won?

Speaker 3:
[13:29] Let's see. Oh, there's how to catch the cat. Perhaps if I were a voluptuous vixen. Yes, yes, that would have caught him by the tongue. His desire for my curves would have opened his heart and surely it would have opened mine as well. Fig Newton. No, no, no, no, to the movie, to the movie. Writing process begins. Forrest, get ready to be swept off your feet and into the arms of the Lord. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up by realizing Bridgestone Media is now BMG Global, guys. Gramps is moving up in the world.

Speaker 4:
[14:18] I think this might be like a spinoff brand. Like he didn't quite make it to Bridgestone Media with this. They were like, hey, this seems like it's a sexual fantasy between you and an atheist YouTuber. So we can either let you do BMG Global or we'll put you on one of our interns' TikToks.

Speaker 2:
[14:38] Please don't make us send the cease and desist, just change the game.

Speaker 3:
[14:43] There you go. So we see the production logos. We can see the difference that AI has made in his life right away.

Speaker 1:
[14:51] The AI soundtrack actually throws in a buzzer, like a basketball buzzer, as if to stop the movie three seconds in.

Speaker 2:
[14:58] It's random images and random sound effects. And that is persistent through a lot of the film.

Speaker 3:
[15:05] Yep, sure the fuck is. But eventually we resolve on this. What he imagines a podcast production studio looking like.

Speaker 4:
[15:14] He kind of, can I say, he kind of mails it for Heath's art gallery that Heath lives in.

Speaker 3:
[15:19] Sure.

Speaker 1:
[15:20] Kind of.

Speaker 3:
[15:21] It was a little reminiscent of Glory Hole Studios a little bit.

Speaker 4:
[15:24] Yeah, a little bit there. He at one point will see it. They apparently they just have one giant softbox that does all the lighting for all their atheist podcasts.

Speaker 2:
[15:35] I don't want to criticize too much because like I may or may not have had to live that way at one point. Maybe that's where he got it from. He got it from my head.

Speaker 4:
[15:41] That's what it is. He was like, show me around your house.

Speaker 5:
[15:46] I want to imagine what it's like to be your bride.

Speaker 2:
[15:50] Please don't be so realistic when you debate me.

Speaker 1:
[15:53] AI throws in another buzzer. Hey, are you doing some sort of sexual fantasy with an atheist podcaster in real life? I'm going to buzz you out.

Speaker 5:
[16:00] That's why I wanted to use Croc.

Speaker 2:
[16:01] That's what the buzzer was for. The buzzer was begging him to stop because I wasn't there to do it.

Speaker 4:
[16:06] Content thing.

Speaker 1:
[16:07] Also, there's a little graphic thing for a second that shows DNA and he's going to talk about like evolution and stuff, but the DNA is interesting. I just remember from like high school AP Bio class, the DNA in this version contains guanine, thiamine, cytosine, also O or zero, maybe lowercase D and the number eight.

Speaker 2:
[16:30] So I was not sure what that was.

Speaker 3:
[16:33] Those are mutations.

Speaker 2:
[16:35] There's a three, there's an N, there's an E. These are just, I think he thinks the word letters literally mean letters. You know what I mean? I think there's an, like a dictionary floating around in your fucking cytoplasm.

Speaker 3:
[16:50] Yeah, right, just in your, yeah, there you go.

Speaker 1:
[16:53] Some sort of punctuated equilibrium happened in the AI understanding of DNA, maybe.

Speaker 3:
[16:59] There you go. So now we should point out too that Gramps isn't entirely sure where Forrest ends and we begin. So he did an interview a while back where he talked about God Awful Movies by name, and then he said, like, I was interviewed on that show, right? So to some degree, he doesn't. So when we went into this movie, I wasn't sure if these characters was going to be based on me or on Forrest, this main character, or on Eli, for that matter, which could have been a ton of fun. But no, it is definitely based on Forrest. We just didn't find that out right away.

Speaker 2:
[17:31] Yeah. He also, he mentions, like, there's a guy on TikTok. And I thought he was talking about me there, but no, he's talking about a guy named Knowles, who's a friend of mine on on TikTok, who has also made a ton of movies, videos about him and actually went and met him in person at one point. And it was just as bizarre as you might imagine. So shout out to Knowles on TikTok as well. He mentions him in this movie.

Speaker 3:
[17:51] Yeah. Taking one for the team.

Speaker 2:
[17:52] I think he just conflates every Atheist on YouTube as the same person.

Speaker 5:
[17:57] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[17:57] It's just one person. Yeah, exactly. But so we watched, my best words, we watched what they think, what he thinks an Atheist podcast looks like, which is where they read listener feedback from Christians that make really, really good and articulate points and then offer no response whatsoever to them.

Speaker 5:
[18:14] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[18:15] They can't defeat them.

Speaker 4:
[18:17] Not so sure about that one.

Speaker 3:
[18:19] Yeah, right.

Speaker 2:
[18:20] And somehow they have just dog shit audio for the very expensive looking mics that they're talking into.

Speaker 3:
[18:27] Right?

Speaker 4:
[18:28] That's OK. We should talk about this because this is fucking crazy. He doesn't have prop microphones. They're real microphones. But he used the audio from his fucking Z150.

Speaker 2:
[18:39] That's just ambient audio that's all echoey and terrible. Yeah. Why? Why?

Speaker 1:
[18:44] Well, in fairness, this is realistic to Eli Bosnick, who talked into the back of the mic or his computer mic for like five years of this podcast before.

Speaker 3:
[18:52] Sure.

Speaker 5:
[18:53] Tell me this isn't confusing, Forrest.

Speaker 4:
[18:56] Who would think that you're supposed to talk into this part as opposed to this part?

Speaker 3:
[18:59] OK.

Speaker 4:
[18:59] Crazy.

Speaker 2:
[19:00] I mean, it is it is literally on the instructions for that. That's a Blue Yeti. Yeah, it's all over the box and all over.

Speaker 3:
[19:08] It sure is. And there's even a picture of somebody talking to it.

Speaker 2:
[19:11] Yeah. The knobs on the back display how you're supposed to talk into it as well.

Speaker 1:
[19:15] Eli's not a strong reader or looker of graphics.

Speaker 3:
[19:17] Yeah, he's not a strong looker.

Speaker 4:
[19:19] I stole it from an Apple store. I didn't get to see the box.

Speaker 3:
[19:24] So, okay. So then the Atheist heads to the Atheist team. They wrap up their podcast. They head to a coffee shop where the Forrest character, whose name is Trey, he sees a hot chick walk by, right?

Speaker 2:
[19:37] As I do.

Speaker 3:
[19:38] Well, right. Right. Yeah. And your sidekick, I'm sure, tells you that she's out of your league.

Speaker 2:
[19:44] And she was. No, what gets me about this is that like this is the first in a long scene of this guy attempting to court this fair lass. I'm married and I was married when I met Donald and he had every opportunity to make me stupid or to make me mean or to make me dishonest or whatever. Why did he make me a fucking creep? You know, he was going to do anything. Why am I some loveless weirdo stalking a woman in a coffee shop? What is that?

Speaker 4:
[20:19] And what's funny is it's the only quality he doesn't think is negative about the character, right? All the science shit, all the knowing shit, he's like, oh, therefore lies the pathway to hell. But a woman's like, no, please leave me alone. And he's like, woohoo, your first repost.

Speaker 2:
[20:37] It's the exact kind of like anti-feminist charm you would expect from a man who literally had his character cover up a woman's forearms in a video. In the Gramps Goes to College, the woman took off her jacket and was wearing still a very conservative dress and he's like, you got to cover your charms or I can't listen to you when you're speaking or I'm gonna literally die. So totally this is the way that men speak to women in his world.

Speaker 3:
[21:05] Yeah, exactly. So, but before he can talk to her, like his friend has to talk him down. He's like, hey, you know, hot chicks don't date guys like us. And I thought, well, that's a slap in Forrest's face. He's adorable.

Speaker 2:
[21:17] Thank you for noticing.

Speaker 3:
[21:18] Yeah, well, you know, no worries. My audience tells me all the time.

Speaker 1:
[21:20] Do you use like a special conditioner or something?

Speaker 4:
[21:23] What do you do? Do you moisture it? Is it a moisture thing?

Speaker 2:
[21:28] I drink it.

Speaker 1:
[21:28] Like a leave-in?

Speaker 4:
[21:29] If it was a baby blood thing, you could tell me and I would still do it. I just want you to know.

Speaker 1:
[21:33] If I had the right products, I would grow something different.

Speaker 4:
[21:35] Circle of trust.

Speaker 3:
[21:35] Yeah, there you go. So we also learn that Trey, the character Trey is a physicist. Now we should point out Forrest is a biologist, but I guess one scientist is another to...

Speaker 2:
[21:47] They're all scientists.

Speaker 3:
[21:48] Well, like he's gonna debate this guy specifically about evolution, and I don't think it ever occurred to him that there's a reason why it was the biologist who was talking to him there.

Speaker 5:
[21:57] It's science.

Speaker 2:
[21:58] I think he had to change it because if he had made the me character a biologist, he would have had to look up the definitions of the terms that he was using.

Speaker 5:
[22:06] Oh, sure.

Speaker 2:
[22:07] Yeah, sure. Or at least he may have had some pressure to do so. At the end of the day, we know he's...

Speaker 1:
[22:12] I don't think he would have done it, but yeah, there would have been pressure.

Speaker 2:
[22:15] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[22:15] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[22:16] And this is of course where he gets a message. They're sitting there talking about this girl he wants to stalk, and they get a message from Gramps saying he wants to debate him, right? So this is the the inciting incident.

Speaker 4:
[22:28] Okay. This is perhaps the craziest choice he makes in the movie, right? Because he could have made it that he didn't come up with the debate, because immediately, immediately after the scene where he challenges pseudo you to a debate, he's like, well, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Speaker 5:
[22:47] Help me, Lord.

Speaker 2:
[22:48] And he's got to go have a worship meeting with his priest friends.

Speaker 5:
[22:52] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[22:52] And then refuse their help when they offer the help that he asked for.

Speaker 4:
[22:58] Which you offered to the debate.

Speaker 5:
[23:01] Yes.

Speaker 4:
[23:01] It's there's a very fucking, like a thriller from the late 90s vibe.

Speaker 3:
[23:07] It's very strange.

Speaker 5:
[23:08] Who instigated this debate. Yes.

Speaker 3:
[23:11] Yeah. So, you know, I thought at first that this movie was going to be his shower fight with Forrest. And it is eventually in the form of the female character. But first and foremost, it is a list of reasons why he got his ass handed to him so hard that towards the end of the debate, at one point, he just sat silent on the microphone for a Christian 25 goddamn seconds with nothing to say.

Speaker 1:
[23:35] Phenomenal. Really?

Speaker 3:
[23:38] You haven't watched it?

Speaker 1:
[23:39] No, I haven't seen it. 25 seconds of just sad resignation.

Speaker 2:
[23:43] I haven't watched it in a long time.

Speaker 4:
[23:44] You haven't watched it? Guys, you have to watch. OK, so here's the thing. For a little caveat, and I won't redo, because I've watched it multiple times because it's a thing of beauty. I got into atheism around 9-11, like so many of us. I watched Hitchslap videos on YouTube where some guy would be like, I don't know, I think there's a god, and Hitch would be like, you stupid fat bitch. And I was like, yeah, that's a great argument.

Speaker 3:
[24:08] You fucking got him.

Speaker 4:
[24:09] So I was like, oh, there was another atheist debate. Like fucking cool. I want to see this. There's about four seconds into the debate, and Forrest, who is a real human being and a teacher, realizes he's dealing with a deeply mentally ill, probably a little senile old man. And the rest of the YouTube video is just him being like, you want some water, buddy?

Speaker 5:
[24:33] I don't think dragons are real.

Speaker 2:
[24:35] He actually did. So like the framework here is true. I made a video about his movie, Gramps Goes to College. He saw that I made the video. He never watched it. Or if he did, he is extremely forgetful. Because then he reached out to me. He emailed me and said, hey, you made a video about me. Let's have a public debate. And I said, no problem. My one caveat is, we published the full thing on both of our channels. I'm going to edit a little bit to make sure it's clean, but I'm not going to take anything serious. And just to make sure that both of us are kept honest, let's put the full thing both of our channels. Fun fact, just side note here. Over two years have gone by, there are still no comments under his video. I know people have certainly left. I have never seen proof, but I find it's very hard to believe that no one has left a comment on his channel. I wouldn't have the heart.

Speaker 1:
[25:26] Do you have a lawsuit pending with the Justice Department for your editing that was making him look stupid when you took out?

Speaker 2:
[25:33] Maybe that's what it is. At the end of it, I was like, the first thing I asked him, I asked him to introduce himself and talk about whatever, and he says, I was called by Jesus to make a book about evolution and then a movie about evolution and I'm just here to tear apart evolution. The first question I asked him was, do you know, can you give me one example of a way that evolution works or what it is? Crickets.

Speaker 3:
[25:59] Nothing. He literally could not define evolution, it's insane.

Speaker 2:
[26:03] And I talked about, because he talks about random mutations a lot. Mutation is one of the four major mechanisms of evolution. So I was like, hey, do you know any of the other mechanisms? Can we talk about maybe epigenetics, which isn't actually a formal mechanism, but it is a modern thing.

Speaker 5:
[26:17] That's the thing, when someone has an allergy, you gotta get them.

Speaker 2:
[26:20] And he even said in the video, I'm pretty sure he said, that's the first time I've ever heard that word. And I'm like, the whole time, I was trying.

Speaker 3:
[26:27] Believe it or not, he leaves that in, in this movie.

Speaker 2:
[26:30] Yeah, he brings it up. But I was trying, I really, really, really didn't want to just shit all over this dude. He was nice enough to agree to a conversation, but apparently that was a wrong thing for me to do, according to him. That was me being a mean person, it turns out.

Speaker 1:
[26:44] You were so much nicer than we would have been.

Speaker 2:
[26:49] It's a lot of, it's an emotional thing for me. I've never had a whole movie about me before.

Speaker 4:
[26:55] Lucky you.

Speaker 3:
[26:57] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[26:57] You're not in the Epstein files.

Speaker 3:
[26:58] Yeah. So we then get Gramps getting the message that his debate was accepted and not knowing what to do. Right.

Speaker 1:
[27:07] Sorry, real quick. Did his lip thing get bigger?

Speaker 4:
[27:11] It's got, he's trying to heal it with Christian magic. We said it last time during the pickleball thing. Donald, it's not fun. You got to go see a real doctor. Stop telling Steve and Alan to pray it away. It's a thing.

Speaker 1:
[27:23] Whatever that is, it's pretty great evidence of evolution, is my opinion.

Speaker 4:
[27:27] It's splitting. It's splitting. It's becoming tenderless, Donald, and you can't come on the show for our debate unless you get your lip taken care of.

Speaker 1:
[27:37] He's got pseudepodia on his face.

Speaker 3:
[27:41] So okay. So he calls Trey, the Forrest character, about doing the debate. And so Trey says to him, he's like, hey, do you actually know anything about evolution? And in his own fucking movie, Gramps is like, nope, I sure don't. Well, I did read a book. And he tells us about the book. It's Evolutions Echoes by Roberto Bautista. And I will say, hey, five stars on Amazon based on two reviews.

Speaker 2:
[28:08] Also, like, can we talk about for just one second in the scene where like Trey is accepting the debate? Before we actually get to the debate, just where it goes back and forth between Gramps and Trey. The man is so orange, so orange, and so washed out and overblown. He puts so much light on that guy and crank the exposure up to 11. And he is not the only technicolored person in this fucking film. One of his like, we'll get there eventually.

Speaker 4:
[28:36] You gotta watch the whole YouTube tutorial on Premiere Gramps. You can't just watch the first 10 seconds. I know it starts as a short.

Speaker 3:
[28:44] But keep in mind that he's been making movies for longer than we've been podcasting, right? So he's got more than a decade's experience doing this. And yes, he's still got fucking Oompa Loompa characters. It's insane.

Speaker 2:
[28:54] Trey is so orange. And then his daughter looks like she has jaundice when he goes and meets her. He's got the whatever color balance he did on her makeup. She is a Simpsons character. It's insane.

Speaker 3:
[29:07] So there's also this great moment when they're talking on the phone where Graham's character says, you know, he's like trying to explain how this is really a thing he's doing out of humility because Jesus is calling him to do it or whatever. And I just love the idea that this guy that's written, directed and starred in a dozen movies about how he wins every argument and all the ladies are eager to get with him is going to tell us about his humility at this point in the film.

Speaker 2:
[29:30] It's serious. You can't be serious.

Speaker 5:
[29:32] I am but a vessel. But a vessel.

Speaker 3:
[29:37] So, all right. So then we cut to my personal hell, right? A room full of old white Christians in the back room of a Tennessee church. This is where he asks for their help. And one of them is like, oh no, you know what? My wife is actually an expert in that subject. And he's like, oh, I don't want to learn from a lady.

Speaker 5:
[29:53] Oh, I don't think God likes that.

Speaker 2:
[29:55] That's that Timothy chapter coming in real hard.

Speaker 3:
[29:58] Right, right. Yeah, exactly. But again, he's trying to not so much re-adjudicate the fight, but say, yeah, I could have studied up if I'd wanted to. I actually didn't know what epigenetics was on purpose. Okay, that's where we are.

Speaker 4:
[30:12] To lull you into a false sense of security and then continuing this sense of security and then a real deeper, meaningful form of secureness. We were hoping your secureness.

Speaker 2:
[30:27] And like epigenetics is a complicated thing and it's an advanced topic. You don't have to know that to talk about evolution, but you should know what evolution is to talk about evolution at least. That might be, if you don't want to study by, I don't know dick about computer repair. Like if the roles were reversed and I was making a video about like IT stuff and everything like that, I wouldn't make that video because I don't know anything about it. I would not make a movie about how RAM doesn't work because you can't fit a goat into a fucking microchip. Like I wouldn't make that video. Gramps knows now he has met with a biologist and had a conversation and now is fully aware that he does not know what he's talking about. And in two years continues to not know what he's talking about. His refusal to study is surprisingly disciplined. There really are no gaps in his ignorance. It's incredible.

Speaker 3:
[31:24] Yeah. And it's not even a matter of refusal to study because in the debate that you did with him, there's a point there where you're explaining in, I would say, painstaking detail how you go from patch of light sensing cells to eye, right? And all the relevant steps along the way. And immediately afterwards, he goes like, well, nobody can explain how an eye evolved. And you're like, what? Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 5:
[31:47] I wasn't listening, so that one didn't count.

Speaker 2:
[31:51] I haven't watched that interview in so long, but I do remember most of the comments on there is like, Gramps asks question, Forrest explains the question for five solid minutes, Gramps asks the same question again.

Speaker 5:
[32:05] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[32:05] Right.

Speaker 4:
[32:06] He's stuck in a time loop, Forrest.

Speaker 2:
[32:08] And even then, I can't stress enough, I said at the beginning of that video, I know I did, that I let a ton of stuff slide. There's a lot of shit that he said that I should have called him out for that I didn't. There's so many things that I could have explained that I didn't want to dunk on the man. Right. And clearly, maybe I should have. Maybe that would have prevented this.

Speaker 4:
[32:29] Then he would have left you off of his movie. He wouldn't have even mentioned you. And when he portrayed podcasters, there would only be two of them, and you would obviously not be one of them.

Speaker 3:
[32:36] Well, I kept thinking the whole time, like what would this movie have been like if he had talked to me for two and a half hours, right?

Speaker 5:
[32:42] The time I got murdered.

Speaker 1:
[32:47] I like that we got to watch him run into the idea that this is God's plan and it like is really confusing to me. It's like, I guess it's my plan with God. I'm an idiot though. God kind of me on this. I have to do it. And then somebody's like, yeah, I'm my wife is a zoologist and he's like, no, yeah, it's the best.

Speaker 3:
[33:09] Can you imagine in your head that you're helping me? It's okay. So then we go back to the coffee shop where we get the meat, cute, right? Like, so Trey's there by himself and there's just nowhere to sit down. So the beautiful girl walks by and he's like, he offers her a seat. And they have what Donald James Parker thinks is witty repartee, but it's just fucking dad jokes back and forth.

Speaker 4:
[33:29] It's just the things that someone could say to the cops later to explain why they maced you, that would let them go home right away. They'd be like, oh, okay, we're going to arrest him. You didn't want to tell him your name. And so he said, okay, I'll call you Beauty. Well, that's great. Did you have an extra mace? I'll empty mine on him just in case he forgets.

Speaker 3:
[33:49] I do.

Speaker 4:
[33:49] There you go. Stop closing your mouth.

Speaker 3:
[33:55] But yeah, she explains that she doesn't date. She thinks dating is a fairy tale, which is I'm sure why Donald James Parker doesn't date as well. He's just telling us what he tells himself in the mirror. We learn her name is Julie and then she leaves and she is out of his life for like a scene and a half.

Speaker 2:
[34:10] You wish it was forever and I love how his presentation of her is like the edgy version of like the Manic Pixie girl. You know what I mean? She's not like other girls. She's just so different and strange. And it is exactly the kind of like tough, serious woman that you would expect to be written by a man so sexist that he cannot handle seeing a woman's collarbones in another person.

Speaker 3:
[34:40] Bare clavicles.

Speaker 1:
[34:41] In a later coffee shop scene, he has her carrying around. He was like, what's an academic type, you know, Manic Pixie dream girl different? She's a nerd too. What would she be reading? It was like, the great American essays with the giant books.

Speaker 2:
[34:55] That's what doctors read.

Speaker 3:
[34:57] No, they do. They read great essays.

Speaker 2:
[35:00] Yes. They love an essay.

Speaker 3:
[35:02] Obviously. So then, okay. So then we get Gramps. Now he's decided to do this debate. And it just so happens that Trey lives in the same town as his daughters. And he was looking for an excuse to go visit him, right? So now we get him showing up at his daughter's house for the visit.

Speaker 2:
[35:15] Which by the way is especially funny considering the fact that the whole premise of Gramps Goes to College is that his daughters won't speak to him anymore.

Speaker 3:
[35:23] Yeah, right.

Speaker 2:
[35:23] And so this isn't just a fantasy about me becoming his son-in-law. This is a fantasy about his own children wanting anything to do with him.

Speaker 5:
[35:34] My daughter's like me and one of them's hot and one and a half.

Speaker 1:
[35:38] Hello, my daughter. I challenge you to a debate about our relationship.

Speaker 5:
[35:42] To love me.

Speaker 1:
[35:43] You have to invite me to Thanksgiving is the premise of the debate.

Speaker 5:
[35:48] What's a turkey?

Speaker 3:
[35:51] So, but now we're on Forrest's show, right? Where they're at the studio and we're going to reenact the debate from like Gramps's memory or whatever. And I cannot emphasize enough that in this movie, he's still going to lose and embarrass himself.

Speaker 4:
[36:07] By a lot.

Speaker 2:
[36:09] He didn't have to do it. No, he didn't have to.

Speaker 1:
[36:11] That's true.

Speaker 2:
[36:12] This is an exercise in nobody forced you to do this.

Speaker 4:
[36:17] He loses. It is very much a fantasy, though, of how the conversation went. Because again, like I have to be so clear that the conversation with Forrest is four seconds in Forrest realizing someone is in distress and being like, cool, so can you like name five things you can smell just like real quick? Just like name five things you can hear.

Speaker 1:
[36:40] Oh my gosh.

Speaker 5:
[36:41] No, I know you don't believe that's cool.

Speaker 4:
[36:43] But like if you, if I were to show you a picture of a man and a woman and a camera and a horse, could you just name those right off the top?

Speaker 1:
[36:51] Okay, in his fantasy, he is first of all, curled up like a shrimp the moment you see him.

Speaker 2:
[36:56] He is so small.

Speaker 1:
[36:58] And that was realistic to the debate. Another question, in real life, did he look like a high school drug dealer in the 90s with the like extra large white shirt under the large black shirt as the outfit?

Speaker 2:
[37:15] Again, this entire scene is an exercise in shit nobody forced this man to do. Totally optional. Everything about this scene, 100% optional and this is still what he chose. The way he is sitting, the way he is speaking, every part of it is his own volition.

Speaker 3:
[37:35] So now, honestly, we could spend two and a half hours breaking down just this scene, the various arguments that he misrepresents and the things that he misrepresents from Forrest Valkai. But he opens up by saying that evolution is just political. He's not anti-science. He just disagrees with political science.

Speaker 4:
[37:54] Oh, hey, buddy, that's actually a different subject entirely.

Speaker 3:
[37:57] It is.

Speaker 2:
[37:58] They both have science in there. They both have science in there.

Speaker 3:
[38:01] Let me come back in the room.

Speaker 5:
[38:02] Shit, one second.

Speaker 1:
[38:03] And the debate is over. You lost. That was AI telling you you've already lost.

Speaker 5:
[38:07] Oh, I just came into the room just now for the first time. It's starting over. What's the paperchannik?

Speaker 3:
[38:13] Trey says, you know, what's your primary objection to evolution? Which is fairly close to the way Forrest started. And I'm like, you know, if you don't say my religion, you're just fucking lying. So he just fucking lies. And for a long time with no counterpoints. But then eventually Trey asks him to define science. He's like, you know, what do you mean by science? And Graham says, well, I define science as discovering God's creation. Okay. I'm like, I define science as me kicking you in the nuts. You see why we have to let the dictionary do this work, man. In a debate.

Speaker 2:
[38:46] What grumps me so bad about that is that's how like Isaac Newton talked about it. You know what I mean? And even if you wanted to say it that way, I have worked for many religious scientists. I've worked for them and alongside them during grad school. When I was studying human evolution for a long time, somebody who worked in the lab with me, was a devout Christian studying human evolution with me and saw the connections and it worked for her. I used to work under a physicist who was a devout Catholic. And I asked him why and he was like, yeah, the beauty of the universe that I see matches the God that I believe in. Okay, man, doesn't work for me, not my vibe, whatever. If gramps really wanted to keep that motif and say, no, I'm just discovering God's creation. Great, do it like Newton did. Change your mind with new evidence. Do it like any theistic evolutionist does it and say that God guides evolution. Do it like a deistic evolutionist does it and say God whipped up the universe so that evolution would happen. You don't have to deny science in order to be a Christian. You weird bastard. It's so strange, so strange.

Speaker 3:
[39:57] So there's also a moment that he plucked from real life here because during the debate, Forrest explains to him that his idea of heaven sounds really bad, like a terrible, terrible punishment that you would get for stealing from old people or something like that. And he just threw out the rest of this movie, he's going to ponder because it has the character go like, oh, I would hate to go to heaven. Heaven sounds awful. Right. And for the rest of the movie, he's going to be pondering that, which I honestly, I think he goes to sleep wondering about that still about that time that Forrest said he didn't want to go to heaven.

Speaker 5:
[40:30] But it's going to be so great there. There's no Jews. Forrest, do you remember there are no Jews? Did I mention there's not Jews? It's just ATMs. No one works at the bank. It's just the machines.

Speaker 2:
[40:46] I'm not making any assumptions about Donald James Parker's character, but the man is an avid Trump supporter. So apparently fascism isn't a deal breaker for him.

Speaker 4:
[40:57] He also wrote the unexpected Bar Mitzvah.

Speaker 3:
[40:59] I love about how friends don't let friends be Jewish.

Speaker 2:
[41:02] What the fuck?

Speaker 4:
[41:04] Yeah, there's a little Christmas present for you, Forrest. I've been to that then, boy.

Speaker 2:
[41:09] I'm going to have to watch that now, and I'm mad that you made me have to do that.

Speaker 3:
[41:14] This is early in his career, before he was quite as technically, he didn't have the technical prowess that he has now.

Speaker 1:
[41:20] Is there a Hulk Hogan moment when somebody rips their shirt off and yells, Karekata Adonai? Yes, there is.

Speaker 4:
[41:27] Yes, there is.

Speaker 1:
[41:27] That's all you need to know.

Speaker 4:
[41:29] That's a little treat waiting for you and your future, Forrest.

Speaker 2:
[41:31] Christ on so many crackers. But the thing that gets me here is like I, yeah, that is a real moment from the thing where I was like, hey man, I don't want to go to heaven. I wouldn't worship your God even if it was real. This all sounds terrible to me. And it clearly fucked with him because he brings it up like 80 times in this movie. And it is also the only thing that he fails to try to rebut because it's clearly still after all this time, even after he chose to include it in his own movie. It is still something that he cannot wrap his head around. He's tried to wrap his head around the evolutionist mindset and the atheist ways and all these things, but cannot handle the idea that somebody wouldn't want to be a part of his fucking religion. That's some intellectual laziness that you would expect from somebody who has had an open book test for two years and still failed it.

Speaker 3:
[42:24] By his own standard, he's even grading the test and he still fails it. Yeah, so, but yeah, his main argument here though is that he doesn't know what evolution is, which is true to life. That's how it went down.

Speaker 4:
[42:35] And that's my main argument as well, I'll say. In a lot of the, you know, why haven't I done the dishes? Why is the laundry all over the floor?

Speaker 3:
[42:41] Yeah, right.

Speaker 4:
[42:42] I don't know.

Speaker 3:
[42:46] So yeah, and then he starts, he starts in on microevolution versus macroevolution, which is the argument is like, I'll concede that inches exist, but I can't imagine how they would add up to miles. That's ridiculous.

Speaker 2:
[42:58] Right. And that's, it is so weird. Like in my entire academic career, I have heard a serious distinction made between micro and microevolution three times.

Speaker 3:
[43:09] Really?

Speaker 2:
[43:10] And none of them were to discredit the other.

Speaker 3:
[43:12] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[43:12] Because they are legitimate science terms. But like it was literally to define them or to explain the difference or like to say, so from this perspective, this or from that perspective, that I have never in my life heard anyone who studies evolution actually seriously care about this difference unless it was just a totally academic exercise. And yet every single creationist I talk to, this is where they draw the line. Pages exist, books do not. Atoms exist, molecules do not. And I don't get it. I cannot wrap my head around that shit.

Speaker 4:
[43:49] Yeah. I feel like they had like a really good apologetic going in like 1845 where they were like, show me in a microscope something evolving. And now we can do, there's like a video on YouTube of it.

Speaker 5:
[44:01] So they were like, guys, go huddle up, huddle up. I just get the shit kicked out of me. I'm writing a movie about it right now. The new plan is we believe in microevolution, but not macroevolution, okay? Hands in the center. One, two, three.

Speaker 2:
[44:19] He even does the whole, the bullshit. I think it's Creation Today that released the thing of like the six different types of evolution. And only one of them is true. And that's microevolution and all the other ones, the cosmic evolution and the chemical evolution, all the other shit that literally no one talks about aside from Creationist specifically. Like, and so it just, the man put more effort into learning ways to be wrong about this topic than it would have taken him to just learn like the basic, the actual literal basic. I don't want to sound like I'm being hyperbolic here. The actual first thing about the topic that he has now spent years of his life trying to debunk.

Speaker 1:
[45:01] Forrest is visibly developing a headache as he relives these moments with Donald James Parker.

Speaker 2:
[45:07] It's killing me a little bit. Slowly I'm dying.

Speaker 3:
[45:10] So this is the first time I went all caps in my notes too. The first all caps thing, and I have a lot of them, but my first one is, Oh my God, he left in the part where he didn't know what epigenetics is. Right? And my next thing in my notes was, Okay, Forrest, be honest. Did you do a little dance at that part? Cause I did a little dance at that part.

Speaker 2:
[45:26] I was astonished. I was just sitting on my couch, reliving this moment in my head. And trying to figure out how he was going to spin this character to be so much worse than me and to show how he dunked on me in so many ways. And no, he made himself look, if anything, worse than he did in the actual. And I don't understand why.

Speaker 3:
[45:46] Well, now there was this effort at this point to try to pretend like what you did, the reason you want is that you just, because the character might as well say like, well, phenotype allele, epigenetics, phylogeny, transcription, you know, so he's trying to make it seem like, no, no, he doesn't. Well, yeah, he could do like, he's got like two or three of them. But he makes it seem like you just threw a bunch of technical language at him and confused him, where what you did is you would say like, hey, do you know what this term means? And he would say, no. And you'd be like, well, let me define it so I'm not talking over it. No. But over it was just like Forrest going like, okay, how about Gene, man? Do you know what a Gene is?

Speaker 5:
[46:25] I have a friend, Gene.

Speaker 1:
[46:26] Do you wanna do, have you ever seen Jubilee? Do you wanna tap in like 19 friends to help you out?

Speaker 4:
[46:31] There will be, those in heaven, I told you.

Speaker 1:
[46:33] You need some help.

Speaker 2:
[46:36] What's bothersome to me is that like he, as I said a minute ago, like I made the movie and then he wrote to me and in the interview, he re-brought up, he tried the same arguments that he used in the movie that I already reacted to. The whole thing about what evolved first. And I'm pretty sure he used that shit again in this. And he could have watched, he brought up Nebraska Man, he brought up Hakel, he brought up like all sorts of shit that I have talked about ad nauseam, I'm pretty sure to him. And like at any point he could have just asked me if Donald James Parker, and I know he's listening to this, very confused, but like Donald, Hey Graves. And I'll say this again in my own YouTube video about this. I exist Donald. You could have emailed me and I would have helped you write this better. Like I would have done it. I was so nice to you.

Speaker 5:
[47:36] What is this movie?

Speaker 2:
[47:38] And like if you had made a movie just making fun of me as a person and just making me look like a goofy weirdo and you won, and it would have been really funny and fair play. I made a video making fun of you. I'm going to make another one. But like I would have been funny. But you made me a sexual predator that is.

Speaker 4:
[48:01] He doesn't think that's a bad thing.

Speaker 1:
[48:02] No, that's a compliment.

Speaker 2:
[48:04] You made me this fucking near rapist who's viewing out a bunch of bullshit science facts and can't handle the dogshit arguments that I know you know I have answered before. And I just don't understand, man. It could have been a collaborative effort. We could have made some dogshit together, but instead you did it all by yourself and nobody's better off for it.

Speaker 1:
[48:26] Donald, the test master is putting out his hand offering a tie. Take the fucking tea, man.

Speaker 5:
[48:34] I'm still eating my horse.

Speaker 1:
[48:36] But he lost so hard here. This accidentally turned into like in Rocky IV, Apollo Creed getting killed by Ivan Drago earlier in the movie. And that's like the vibe.

Speaker 3:
[48:47] Spoilers. Right, yes, exactly. So, okay. So now we cut back to his daughter's place. The debate is over and he's really bummed and she's like, oh, how did it go? He's like, oh, I lost the debate in my own movie where I wrote both sides again. Oh, it happens to me all the time.

Speaker 4:
[49:03] This is where he talks about the sword of his wit, right? He's saying that he thought about getting out the sword of his wit. And I was like, oh my God.

Speaker 2:
[49:11] Put your sword away, Donald.

Speaker 4:
[49:13] No, no, Donald, take it out. Take it out, Donald, take it out, Donald.

Speaker 2:
[49:16] Nobody wants to see your sword, bro.

Speaker 4:
[49:20] Donald, when we do our debate because I exist, you can say whatever you want.

Speaker 2:
[49:26] I'm tempted to invite him back and just say, like, all right, man, I'm going to sit here and you just let me have it. Like, if you used to have this wit, this sword-like wit, brother, let me see it. Like, I would like to have a serious conversation with you, but I don't think...

Speaker 3:
[49:44] I've watched like 80-year movies. I've seen no evidence of it yet, man. You've really been, like, holding back on us.

Speaker 5:
[49:50] Let out the beast.

Speaker 4:
[49:51] This is the Wolverine.

Speaker 2:
[49:53] Go Hulkons. You know?

Speaker 4:
[49:55] Did you see Logan? You haven't seen Logan because they say the F word in it, but you're like Logan and we're like the soldiers who stand there and you jump around and stab us with your claws. Let it out, baby.

Speaker 3:
[50:05] So, yeah. So and this is where he brings us into the movie for just a moment. We make a guest appearance because he's talking to his daughter about how she's like, well, how do you wind up debating this guy anyway? Right. He's like, well, you know, all these atheists, they like to watch my movies and they make fun of them. And I'm like, no, no, no, Graves. We don't just watch them to make fun. We watch them because they're poison and we have to know what kind of poison people are being administered. So we know what antidote to provide them, right? And we like making fun of them. But it's both. It's a two. It's like two things.

Speaker 4:
[50:37] We don't just go after like random student films, Donald. You have several movies where people change religions.

Speaker 2:
[50:46] Do you think that he was trying to save face for all the sexist stuff with his daughter's shirt saying, girls can do anything? Yeah, that was his attempt to be like, no, no, guys.

Speaker 1:
[50:55] In his head, he's like, this is a feminist film.

Speaker 3:
[50:57] It's a feminist.

Speaker 2:
[50:59] I like the the woman's.

Speaker 3:
[51:02] And then my favorite moment in all of my history as a God Awful Movies co-host, he goes, oh, they can be pretty brutal, too. I'm like, I love you, too, man.

Speaker 2:
[51:14] The brutality witness here, the brutality of our ways.

Speaker 1:
[51:20] Donald, don't worry. God's helping you out with the attention economy. It's all good. That's what's happening right now.

Speaker 2:
[51:26] Or nerds sitting around giggling into a microphone at your excretions. Brutal.

Speaker 3:
[51:30] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:
[51:31] Truly brutal.

Speaker 3:
[51:32] He goes, no one's ever heard of me except the people who hate me. And I'm like, wow, man, I am going to carve that into your headstone.

Speaker 2:
[51:39] Whose fault is that, bruh?

Speaker 1:
[51:41] That's exactly what I was going to say.

Speaker 3:
[51:43] But then his daughter's like, well, hey, maybe God is using your repeated abject humiliation in front of tens and hundreds and thousands of people for a divine purpose. And he goes, oh, yeah, well, maybe it's that.

Speaker 1:
[51:59] Maybe I'm like the Tom Green of Christianity and evangelism.

Speaker 4:
[52:03] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:
[52:05] I can't handle the concept of this man just sitting at home being like, I could have destroyed him if I really tried, but God wanted me to be humiliated.

Speaker 1:
[52:14] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[52:15] Right. Right.

Speaker 2:
[52:16] I have heard some hopes in my day.

Speaker 3:
[52:19] I wanted to go to my room anyway, mom. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[52:22] The son was probably in his eyes during your debate, I think. Right.

Speaker 3:
[52:26] That's probably the son of God. All right. Well, watching that scene was very close to the high point of my fucking life. So I need a minute to revel in all its glory. But we're going to be back after that minute with even more of the Beauty and the Atheist.

Speaker 1:
[52:42] Okay. What about, you are a mother acknowledged? Okay.

Speaker 4:
[52:47] You want to say acknowledged or you're putting that in the car?

Speaker 1:
[52:50] In the car.

Speaker 4:
[52:51] Not great, man.

Speaker 1:
[52:52] Really?

Speaker 3:
[52:53] Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Speaker 4:
[52:54] He's trying to find something nice for Anne for Mother's Day, but he isn't quite as warm as I think he's hoping for.

Speaker 1:
[53:00] It's because you didn't let me finish. I was going to say, and we are married.

Speaker 3:
[53:06] Right.

Speaker 1:
[53:06] That would be in there.

Speaker 3:
[53:07] Yeah. Well, hey, if you want an upgrade from the usual Mother's Day affair, you should try an AuraFrame.

Speaker 1:
[53:13] Oh, what's an AuraFrame?

Speaker 3:
[53:16] AuraFrames are a digital picture frame with free unlimited storage. You can load it up with pictures Mom loves.

Speaker 4:
[53:21] I don't know, Noah. My mom isn't very techy.

Speaker 3:
[53:23] That's okay. You can set your AuraFrame up while it's still in the box. All Mom has to do is plug it in.

Speaker 1:
[53:28] Amazing. But is there some kind of deal involved?

Speaker 3:
[53:32] There sure is. Named number one by Wirecutter, you can save on the gifts Mom loves by visiting auraframes.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $25 off their best-selling Carver Mat Frame with the code AWFUL. That's auraframes.com. Promo code AWFUL. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 4:
[53:50] All right, Noah.

Speaker 1:
[53:51] Thanks. Okay. What about this? You are a mother and love, though subjective.

Speaker 4:
[53:58] Already know. I'm going to stop you.

Speaker 1:
[53:59] You didn't let me finish. Is an ocean. No.

Speaker 3:
[54:07] No, that's sweet.

Speaker 2:
[54:09] And so you see, if we multiply by the denominator here, you can get-

Speaker 4:
[54:13] Excuse me, Professor. May I interrupt?

Speaker 2:
[54:17] Who are you?

Speaker 4:
[54:18] I'm a taxpayer, member of the community, and I disagree with your conclusions. Oh, look, I know you're going to say the fact that I'm a simple sheep shit shalesman means I can't challenge your higher education learning, but I've done my own research. I've got some pointed questions and I think you fellows here in your ivory tower might just be incorrect about this.

Speaker 2:
[54:42] Okay. It's not really my job to prove to you personally that math makes sense. You can take a class in it if you'd like, but if you don't believe that math is true, that doesn't mean that math isn't true. It just means that you're ignorant.

Speaker 1:
[54:59] Wait, math?

Speaker 4:
[55:01] I thought this was a science class.

Speaker 2:
[55:03] Oh, no. Science is down the hall.

Speaker 4:
[55:05] Oh, am I allowed to challenge them?

Speaker 1:
[55:08] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[55:09] You can challenge them and maybe become a senator.

Speaker 4:
[55:11] Nice.

Speaker 2:
[55:11] No problem at all. Do people buy sheep shit?

Speaker 4:
[55:14] Not like they used to. I'll tell you that right now.

Speaker 2:
[55:17] Got it.

Speaker 3:
[55:22] And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action the following day where a victorious Tracy's the beautiful Julie at the coffee shop again.

Speaker 2:
[55:31] The seize is a nice way to say stalks.

Speaker 3:
[55:36] Leers out like the wolf, you know, in the cartoon with his tongue out and shit. Yeah. So he and his sidekick, his Eli, his Heath. I have the character down as Eli because they just gave him one co-host.

Speaker 4:
[55:50] It's very clearly Heath.

Speaker 3:
[55:51] Yeah. No, it's very clearly. So there's a point where I started wondering if maybe he was me, right? Because he's just fucking awful. So the two of them are now tag teaming. They show up, they sit down at her table without being invited. And they just start giving each other shit across the table from her with barely acknowledging her existence.

Speaker 2:
[56:14] It's so awkward. It's like two middle school dudes having a fucking testosterone off in front of this poor woman.

Speaker 3:
[56:21] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[56:21] It's insane.

Speaker 4:
[56:23] Look, I know that this movie is about Forrest and that hurts me. And it'll keep me up for a long time. And I'm working through it with my band of therapists. But I think the closest this movie ever gets to being about us is where their banter is just them being like, fuck you, man. I hate you. I hate you. Because that's what he hears when he hears us talk to each other.

Speaker 3:
[56:43] Well, here's the thing, though. Like, if you look back at the corpus of Donald James Parker movies that we've watched up to this point, there is...

Speaker 4:
[56:50] And I do.

Speaker 3:
[56:51] Yeah, right. And I don't think you could find a single example in there of two guys who had a friendship that wasn't antagonistic in every way, right? Which tells you an awful lot about what it's like to be friends with Donald James Parker.

Speaker 4:
[57:07] He has a three movie series called This Is What I'm Bothering My Friend About This Month.

Speaker 1:
[57:14] We actually have a lot in common if you think about it, you know? It's good to have empathy.

Speaker 2:
[57:19] I feel like I need to... All I'm hearing is that I need to watch more of these movies, and I don't know if my brain can handle it.

Speaker 3:
[57:25] The Best Friends Trilogy?

Speaker 4:
[57:27] The Best Friends Trilogy? Hearts Are Trump?

Speaker 2:
[57:32] I hear Hearts Are Trump, I hear is insane. I hear... What is it? Grandpa's Shoes or something like that?

Speaker 4:
[57:38] In Gramps' Shoes?

Speaker 2:
[57:40] That's the one where he dies real, real weird at the end, right?

Speaker 4:
[57:44] Shot by the Communist Party, yeah. He is assassinated by the Communist Party in that one.

Speaker 2:
[57:49] I've seen Clint's from Knowles. I've never seen, I've never watched, I've only ever watched the, this is the second of his films that I have suffered through. But I do watch Knowles quite a bit and they're wild.

Speaker 4:
[57:59] I'm not going to spoil for you, Forrest, but he does get AIDS in one of them.

Speaker 3:
[58:03] Yep, no. me. Oh, which one is the AIDS one? Oh, that was so good.

Speaker 4:
[58:07] I'm not going to say, I'm not going to say, I'm just saying, if you keep watching Donald Parker's movies, you will eventually watch him get AIDS.

Speaker 3:
[58:15] On purpose.

Speaker 1:
[58:16] Hey, at least he believes in AIDS. That's better than Joe Rogan, right?

Speaker 3:
[58:20] Yeah, that's fair. Okay, there you go.

Speaker 1:
[58:22] Okay, one tiny moment in this coffee shop scene. They're being the worst. They're yelling at each other across the table, and she's just like, I'm going to walk away. This sucks. And she goes to the bathroom. Right as she goes to the bathroom, we watch a guy leave that bathroom in a giant Infowars t-shirt, and he very clearly, like he visibly just took a shit in this public bathroom, and she goes in right after.

Speaker 3:
[58:45] I missed that.

Speaker 4:
[58:46] I was like, oh shit.

Speaker 2:
[58:48] Noah talks about the first thing that he wrote in all caps. That was the first thing I wrote in all caps in my notes. Was that an Infowars shirt?

Speaker 1:
[58:54] Yeah, sure was. Sure was.

Speaker 3:
[58:57] Yeah, so, but she leaves to go to the bathroom and like sneak out the window. Julie, just go, just go. Keep going. But while she's gone, they work out their fucking how to hit on chicks in seven easy steps plan, where they're gonna pretend to have had a fight so bad that Benjamin, the friend, leaves and now he, well, damn it, he doesn't have a ride to work.

Speaker 2:
[59:22] Yeah, because that's how you get women, is conspire and lie, and then they're forced to be nice to you. And so out of pity, you get to spend time with them. And that's how you get your angle in.

Speaker 3:
[59:34] Well, yeah, no, if there's anything I've learned from my 31 years of happy marriage, it's that lying works, man.

Speaker 4:
[59:40] Trapping women in a vehicle is the way.

Speaker 1:
[59:44] Yes, also very loud hats is good.

Speaker 3:
[59:48] Yes, loud hats, that too.

Speaker 1:
[59:49] Loud hats is good.

Speaker 3:
[59:50] And hitting yourself in the chin with a hammer. You gotta listen to all the shows for all the jokes to make sense. Okay, so, but she agrees. And then we get this scene where she's now dropped him off at the office and he comes inside. And basically we get Eli making a sports analogy, right? Cause his buddy Benji says, well, did you make it to first base? And he goes, and I fucking quote, I got to the plate and the pitcher is sharing signals with me.

Speaker 1:
[60:19] What?

Speaker 5:
[60:20] He's so gross.

Speaker 2:
[60:22] He's so gross. And also what does that mean?

Speaker 3:
[60:26] Well, what does that possibly mean?

Speaker 1:
[60:28] Okay, so there were two strikes, but then the catcher dropped the third strike, but that means I was allowed to run towards first.

Speaker 4:
[60:36] No, it's an anti-Bach thing. It's an infield. Are we playing with the infield fly rule? Is what I need to know.

Speaker 2:
[60:43] And what it all really means in reality is he dropped Trowell in a coffee shop and was arrested.

Speaker 1:
[60:48] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[60:49] Exactly.

Speaker 1:
[60:50] Hey, Donald, your metaphors have the fucking yips, man. It's just to stay away from the sports metaphors.

Speaker 4:
[60:56] She tased me, but it wasn't on the highest setting. So, you know.

Speaker 3:
[61:00] So then he goes, he calls his daughter, Donald James Parker does, he calls his daughter and he goes like, hey, did you watch my YouTube debate? And I wrote my notes at this point. Like how do you feel, Forrest, knowing that you subjected his extended family to this, right? To watching him get humiliated.

Speaker 4:
[61:15] And some of them know, Forrest, not all of them, but some of them know they watched you embarrass him and they watched you try so hard not to. They watched you try not to embarrass their daddy. They love their dad and they watched you try to pull him from the water while he just breathed out and went limp in your arms.

Speaker 1:
[61:40] Okay, but we know that some of them hate their dad. They might be fans of yours now.

Speaker 2:
[61:43] Yeah, that's true. I would like to send my condolences to Donald James Parker's A Strange Children. This, it was not my intention to make this movie happen and send me an email. I'll send you a fruit basket or something, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4:
[61:59] Send you a fruit basket as Donald James Parker would say.

Speaker 2:
[62:03] Not as Donald James Parker would say because I don't want to go to jail.

Speaker 4:
[62:08] I'll send you a fruit basket.

Speaker 3:
[62:10] Oh, okay.

Speaker 1:
[62:11] One of these evolved grapefruits, I don't even understand.

Speaker 2:
[62:14] As Donald James Parker once asked, are you going to take an apple and turn it, make a giraffe out of it? And no, it'll just be regular fruit. It won't be a whole giraffe fruit.

Speaker 3:
[62:27] So, okay, so now we're back at the coffee shop so that Julie, the girl that he's been stalking, that Trey's been stalking, and her sister, whose character's name is Laurie, can see Trey, and of course, Laurie has watched the debate now, so she recognizes him as the guy who humiliated her dad, right? So now we get the whole sort of the plot of the movie, right? Yeah. She realizes that this guy she's been flirting with at the coffee shop is actually, and I say flirting with, that's what Donald James Parker thinks he was writing, right? What was actually, he was just harassing her, but now she realizes that this is the guy that embarrassed her dad and that is an atheist on YouTube and that's the worst thing you can be, of course.

Speaker 2:
[63:10] And they confront him and he is an absolute prick to both of them.

Speaker 3:
[63:15] Sure is.

Speaker 2:
[63:15] Including the girl that he's trying to pick up and then they walk away and he still in eyeline of them, flops onto the table with his hand in his hands to grumble about how terrible the situation is.

Speaker 3:
[63:30] She goes, You made fun of our dad and he goes, It's nothing personal. I just make fun of all Christian movies. And I want you to know, Donald James Parker, it is personal. I think you're a bad person. With Forrest, it's not. He thinks you're redeemable. I don't. I think you're because I've seen more of your movies.

Speaker 2:
[63:46] Maybe that's the problem. Because again, I said I said a minute ago, I'm not trying to make something about it. I've had one interaction with him and he was incredibly ignorant and incredibly self-important, but tolerable, I guess. And in the one movie I saw again, very, very self-important, very, very self-centered, thinks very highly of himself and is taking that out on everybody else. But like at the end of the day, any man who made hearts are Trump and I've never seen it. I just know what it is, you know? And I don't have to watch it to know what it is. You can't be that good of a guy.

Speaker 3:
[64:20] No, it's what you think it is.

Speaker 4:
[64:21] I think you have to know.

Speaker 1:
[64:22] It's not an ironic title.

Speaker 3:
[64:24] It's more so. You underestimate it, but it's what you think it is.

Speaker 2:
[64:29] I know he made hearts to Trump a while ago, but I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt with my prophetic powers that he absolutely voted for Trump all three times and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaker 4:
[64:38] And will vote a fourth time no matter what happens.

Speaker 2:
[64:41] No matter who runs the next election, he's riding in Trump. And like at the end of the day, man, you voted multiple times for a senile, pedophile, rapist knowing everything about him. And none of this has been a deal breaker for you. And you're still shitting out these movies with this quality. This is, I'm piling on. This movie is so much, so much lower quality than the other one. This is worse than Gramps Goes to College in every conceivable way.

Speaker 3:
[65:10] It is.

Speaker 2:
[65:10] And it's clearly an emotional outburst from a man who thinks that Donald Trump can read. And like that to me, if it were anybody else, I would think it was a cry for help. But it's from this guy. And I just, I can't.

Speaker 3:
[65:26] It's just a cry.

Speaker 2:
[65:27] I can't be.

Speaker 3:
[65:29] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[65:29] To try to stretch my brain around. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm rambling at this point. I just did it.

Speaker 3:
[65:33] No, I, hey, I get it.

Speaker 2:
[65:34] Dearest listeners out there, it's an odd situation, all right? Like you can make fun of a movie until the movie is written about you by a near 80 year old dude who has been dreaming about you hooking up with his daughter who talks to him. It's a weird parasocial situation that I'm in and it's emotional, it's tasking.

Speaker 1:
[65:57] That's terrifying. So like I get that we're talking about him right now, but I don't like think about him on a daily basis. Forrest, he's thinking about you right now.

Speaker 2:
[66:08] I haven't thought about him since somebody sent me this and he has thought about me every single day.

Speaker 3:
[66:13] Every shower, he thinks about you in the shower.

Speaker 2:
[66:15] Every single shower.

Speaker 4:
[66:17] He put lines, he booked locations. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[66:21] It's just, oh.

Speaker 4:
[66:22] Changed batteries and microphones. Thinking about you.

Speaker 1:
[66:25] Cut bagels.

Speaker 3:
[66:26] It gets so much worse, listener. We'll get there, we'll get there. It gets so much creepier. It's okay. But in the film here, so now Julie knows who he is and she says, well, I'm glad I found out now because I could never marry somebody who doesn't love Jesus and dedicate his whole life to God. And I'm like, oh wow, sounds like everybody here dodged a bullet. You know, you seem pretty incompatible.

Speaker 4:
[66:46] What if that was the end of the movie? Just him being like, oh yeah, no, very incompatible worldviews.

Speaker 3:
[66:52] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[66:53] Have a good one.

Speaker 2:
[66:54] Why is he concerned with marriage with the woman that he's met in a coffee shop?

Speaker 3:
[67:00] Yes.

Speaker 5:
[67:00] Two times.

Speaker 2:
[67:02] What is that?

Speaker 1:
[67:04] Do you mean, why does Donald James Parker want to marry you personally in real life?

Speaker 5:
[67:08] That is actually what I mean.

Speaker 3:
[67:15] But Trey says to her, he says, hey, if you can prove that God exists, I'll believe it. And I'm like, well, that's fair, right? That sounds like a reasonable thing. And she says, well, would you risk, and this is a direct quote that I had to transcribe from the movie. And I'm just delighted by it. I'm putting on my business card. He says, sorry, she says, would you risk alienating your audience who is paying you rather handsomely? I might.

Speaker 4:
[67:41] Donald, Donald, look at my background. Donald, do I look like a man who's being paid handsomely for anything?

Speaker 3:
[67:50] There's no handsomely going on here at all, really.

Speaker 1:
[67:53] This is a pretty nice dartboard, just so you know.

Speaker 2:
[67:55] I'm a PhD student and a fucking TikToker, sir.

Speaker 4:
[67:59] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[68:00] What do you think I make?

Speaker 3:
[68:02] Big podcast monies.

Speaker 2:
[68:04] I act like an idiot on YouTube and teach people science that I study too much. I'm not rolling in dough, bro.

Speaker 4:
[68:12] This is the furniture I had in college, Donald. I didn't bring it because I'm fond of it. I brought it because it's the furniture I own, Donald. This is all I have, Donald.

Speaker 2:
[68:25] You have any idea how much money I could make if I converted to Christianity? Yes. Legitimately, Donald. All of us. Who is actually listening right now? Donald, if I was evil, I could become a preacher tomorrow and I could tell the world that I was an Atheist, Evolutionist, Subbiologist, that I was a PhD student studying evolution and that I realized it was all a lie and I dropped out and I gave my life to Christ and I would be a millionaire next week. There's no way you seriously think that I have to keep this up for money.

Speaker 1:
[68:58] It would be so, so easy. What we're saying, Donald, is you're so terrible at a thing that could make millions of dollars.

Speaker 2:
[69:05] Millions of dollars.

Speaker 4:
[69:07] Joel Osteen is good at.

Speaker 3:
[69:08] But that's just the thing though, right?

Speaker 2:
[69:09] Joel Osteen of all people.

Speaker 3:
[69:11] So, but you have to look at this to Donald James Parker's lens, which is Donald James Parker, right? So in his mind, he's making these brilliant movies and he's only getting 1200 views here and most of them are people that listen to our show or saw Forrest on TikTok or whatever. And then here we are actually making a living doing the thing that we're doing. And he's like, Oh, it must be that those atheists make way more money, right? That's the only way he can preserve his sense of grandiosity.

Speaker 2:
[69:39] I have heard, please point me to the nearest atheist megachurch, right? Where the atheist has a mansion and the atheist has a private jet and the atheist gets millions of donations from people all over the world. And the atheist sells little bottles of oil and healing cloth to poor old women in every suburb. Like dude, get off of it, dude. It's so strange.

Speaker 1:
[70:05] We're just manifesting right now.

Speaker 3:
[70:07] But yeah, but so he challenges her to show him God and she'll pray about it. She'll think about it, right?

Speaker 1:
[70:14] Bring, hey God, should Julie do it? Yes. Okay. Great. God said you should do it. Is I just, I just talked to him.

Speaker 3:
[70:22] So then we watch Julie watch a video.

Speaker 2:
[70:27] I took so many notes about this video.

Speaker 1:
[70:29] At worship.biz.

Speaker 4:
[70:31] Worship.biz.

Speaker 1:
[70:32] Worship whatever company couldn't get the.com and they got the dot bits.

Speaker 2:
[70:38] Which is on the screen. But then the other information at the bottom of the screen is blurred out with a really ugly pixelated overlay.

Speaker 3:
[70:47] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[70:47] That clearly was added in in editing.

Speaker 3:
[70:49] Like there was a dick there. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[70:51] What was so offensive that was there, but the rest of the licensed material on the screen wasn't the problem.

Speaker 3:
[70:58] Clavicles. Maybe it was bare clavicles.

Speaker 2:
[71:00] Maybe there were bare clavicles. Maybe there were bare clavicles.

Speaker 4:
[71:02] Showing straight clav.

Speaker 2:
[71:04] Maybe there was an image of a sad, battered woman smearing makeup into an open gash. Oh no, wait, that's in the video. Never mind. That's okay to have.

Speaker 3:
[71:15] It's so nuts. So this weird AI.

Speaker 1:
[71:19] Two people fucking on a pickleball court. That's the name of the window.

Speaker 3:
[71:23] Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 1:
[71:24] We'll blur that.

Speaker 3:
[71:25] So yeah, this music is just as... I don't know where it comes from. The AI asked not to be named in the movie, I do believe, but...

Speaker 4:
[71:31] It's Suno.

Speaker 3:
[71:32] Oh, OK, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[71:33] I can always tell when it's Suno because the voice is like meh.

Speaker 3:
[71:39] Oh, keeps pretending to be over. But well, this music showing on, we see like she prays, he sits pensively in a park, he sleeps alone, he's not getting any, he's not too in, he's not getting any.

Speaker 2:
[71:51] He's got some sick jammies too. He's tossing and turning in these things.

Speaker 3:
[71:55] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[71:56] Snug looking jams, yo.

Speaker 4:
[71:58] This is how I picture Heath's life though, to be fair.

Speaker 2:
[72:01] You know those are some matching silk pajama jams that he pulled up from bed bath and beyond. He really thinks this man is rich.

Speaker 3:
[72:09] Oh yeah. So okay. So then the musical number though resolves on Julie calling Gramps about it and asking what he thinks she should do, right? And of course, he gives a lot of details about what he thinks she should do to his butthole specifically. That would first drive.

Speaker 1:
[72:28] So okay, just real quick. The star of this scene though is Donald James Parker's upper thigh, which is very prominently displayed. He's flexing it very clearly. He shaved it and oiled it at the front side of the camera side. He's very excited. And I got to give him credit. Pretty nice upper thigh.

Speaker 2:
[72:51] For a man his age, that's what I'm saying. We all be so lucky.

Speaker 3:
[72:54] Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1:
[72:56] That pickleball regimen.

Speaker 3:
[72:57] So yeah, but Gramps says like, yeah, hey, I think you should do it. And what I think, you know, if you don't have time for it, maybe you could just invite him to the gym, you know, and you could prove God to him while you're working out.

Speaker 2:
[73:07] Yeah, we can exercise. We can talk about your dad's thighs. We can. It'd be great.

Speaker 3:
[73:12] That's the only way you're going to get these creamy whites. So, yeah. So, but then he says he says, I'll send you a list of some vulnerabilities that I forgot to exploit in the debate. And I thought, I thought to myself, Forrest, how does it know, or how does it feel rather knowing that Gramps walks around with a list of your vulnerabilities on his phone?

Speaker 2:
[73:33] It gets me because this is what I was talking about earlier about failing the open book test. He is now saying that here's everything that he should have said in the debate. I was thinking about the debate for years afterwards. And here's everything that he could have cornered me with. And then we get into the arguments of him and Julie. And it's worse than the stuff he said in the debate or the same thing. Or at one point, Julie just says that I didn't answer a question that I actually did answer. I think he's talking about like, you know, you, you dodged the question on this stuff. Find the question I dodged first of all. And second of all, you could have emailed me. And said, hey, you have my email address. And said, hey, man, I don't think you got this one right. In the debate, I know for fucking sure, I said several times, come back and do it again if you want. We can keep talking. We can keep up this dialogue.

Speaker 3:
[74:25] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[74:26] He had a million options. And he chose the lamest, weirdest, cringiest, saddest one. And still blew it.

Speaker 3:
[74:34] And still blew it.

Speaker 5:
[74:34] Oh, I'll make a movie where we fall in love all right.

Speaker 2:
[74:39] A man who had the power of Google at his fingertips and no one watching him and could have taken and did indeed have years to practice and come up with something. This is what it was.

Speaker 1:
[74:51] Right now he's thinking like, oh, so many weaknesses. I'm thinking about Forrest's Achilles Heel Majora and Achilles Heel Minor. That's what's happening right now.

Speaker 2:
[75:03] Those aren't anatomical terms, but why not? He probably thinks they are.

Speaker 3:
[75:08] Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 1:
[75:09] It's like Micron Macroevolution.

Speaker 3:
[75:12] We haven't brought this up yet, but the Trey character is wearing an atheist shirt, right? Every time we see him, but it's the same atheist shirt because Donald James Parker was damned to hell if he was going to buy two atheist shirts.

Speaker 2:
[75:24] I thought the same thing, because they make a joke about it in the movie. You wear the same shirt every day. He's like, I just really like it. It's like, no, you just weren't going to give $20 to Amazon twice for atheism.

Speaker 1:
[75:36] Eli, you're in the movie.

Speaker 4:
[75:38] Some people, so probably what you don't understand is, some people wear the same shirt every day because it's actually Steve Jobs. The genius with great ideas, Steve Jobs once said, Eli actually has a closet full of that same shirt.

Speaker 1:
[75:50] It's like a Donald Duck thing.

Speaker 5:
[75:51] I smell normal.

Speaker 4:
[75:53] In case you're wondering, Forrest, a normal amount of normal smell. And I get made a lot of money for the job. Mostly what I buy is soaps and lotions for the many bathings I do.

Speaker 5:
[76:08] Monthly?

Speaker 2:
[76:10] Water. We bathe, bathing, water, soap, scrubbing, cloth.

Speaker 1:
[76:16] You go next. You name a bathing word.

Speaker 4:
[76:18] My wife doesn't have to trick me into the bathroom and then shove me in the shower and turn it on. You said that.

Speaker 2:
[76:24] Yes, like a cat. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[76:26] So don't do that to a cat. It's OK.

Speaker 4:
[76:29] You can do it to me, though.

Speaker 3:
[76:31] Yeah, no, do that to Eli.

Speaker 4:
[76:32] The official position of the Buzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC.

Speaker 1:
[76:35] Eli makes that noise that cats make if they get wet a little bit.

Speaker 2:
[76:37] It's terrier.

Speaker 5:
[76:38] It's really scary.

Speaker 3:
[76:42] So now we get the two of them meeting as the two of them.

Speaker 2:
[76:46] Quit showing us your O face, Eli. We got to get back to the movie.

Speaker 4:
[76:50] Damn it.

Speaker 3:
[76:50] Thank you. If I finally have someone on my side, damn it.

Speaker 4:
[76:53] I sent you those videos as a gift.

Speaker 2:
[76:57] And they were thoroughly enjoyed.

Speaker 4:
[76:59] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[77:00] All right. So we get them meeting at the gym now to talk God. This is where we learn that her name is Julie, but it's spelled J-E-W-E-L-I.

Speaker 1:
[77:09] My God.

Speaker 3:
[77:10] nuts.

Speaker 2:
[77:10] Why not?

Speaker 1:
[77:11] Child abuse.

Speaker 3:
[77:11] I refuse to spell it like that in my notes. I spelled it normal Julie. So this is the Brickhouse Gym, spelled B-R-I-K. I don't know, we're misspelling all kinds of shit now.

Speaker 2:
[77:23] For Jesus.

Speaker 3:
[77:23] And clearly this is the gym room in his church or something like that, right? Because it's just this big giant empty room with two stationary bikes in the middle of it and that's it.

Speaker 1:
[77:33] It was confusing.

Speaker 3:
[77:34] You know, some weights in the back.

Speaker 2:
[77:35] And like a pile of weights in the back. Yeah. No, this is, what gym is this?

Speaker 3:
[77:39] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[77:39] Because then they go into another room and it's a gym.

Speaker 5:
[77:43] And it's a gym.

Speaker 3:
[77:44] It's a gym.

Speaker 2:
[77:45] It's the same, it's the same gym that they were in at the beginning of Gramps Goes to College. They tell me that's not the same gym.

Speaker 5:
[77:51] Yes.

Speaker 1:
[77:52] Yeah. I was like, are they, are they in the lobby? And I don't know what gyms are really. So I was like, oh, gyms have a lot of warmup lobby with just like a couple of bikes.

Speaker 2:
[78:02] It's like a reception room with some equipment in it and nobody else there. Yes. It was so strange.

Speaker 1:
[78:08] Right.

Speaker 2:
[78:09] And then they get into the massive empty gym and they both lift three pounds. Five fucking minutes.

Speaker 3:
[78:16] I added some theories on this because throughout this, we're going to see these two working out together for the rest of the movie.

Speaker 2:
[78:21] Right.

Speaker 3:
[78:21] Right. Like that's going to be every other scene. And they're always going to be lifting like four pounds or they're going to have these tiny little resistance bands that they're using. And I think my theory is that nobody was allowed to show up Gramps. Right. Like he'd show up and he's like, watch how many pushups I can do. And he'd do like three really sad pushups. And then nobody would want to do more than three because he would get all grumpy and run off, you know, if they did. Yeah. So I think that's what was limiting it the whole time. Oh, so OK. Under the arguments, they're on the bikes together. And he says, well, you know, I was actually raised religious. I started off religious and, you know, I stopped being religious because I learned more stuff. And she's like, well, are you sure it wasn't that you were just the wrong kind of Christianity? Because Presbyterian is basically Satanist. You were basically you were in the wrong Christianity. So apparently you have to try all 45,000 denominations of Christianity before you're allowed to be an atheist.

Speaker 2:
[79:15] Yeah. Well, that's it. It is always that where it's it's you have to be a Christian. Okay. I tried Christianity where you weren't the right kind of Christian. You didn't pray hard enough. You didn't do this or this. It's always, always a no true Scotsman fallacy. The entire goddamn religion is the no true Scotsman fallacy.

Speaker 4:
[79:32] Yep. And this is also where he points out. He's like, hey, but you're a pediatrician because he's a pediatrician in the movie. And he's like, you're a pediatrician. Don't you have to science for your job? And she's like, no, I have this very small pocket of ignorance that I keep my most essential worldview in, in a way that would terrify any of my patients' parents if they knew about it.

Speaker 3:
[79:53] Yeah, right.

Speaker 4:
[79:54] Now I feel like I need to pop quiz all my son's pediatricians, right?

Speaker 2:
[79:57] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[79:58] And you haven't ruled out an entire category of science that's not relevant to strep throat and whether or not he has it.

Speaker 5:
[80:03] I just want to be clarified.

Speaker 4:
[80:04] You believe in all the fields of study that you're related to yours.

Speaker 2:
[80:08] Thank you very much for treating my child. Just really quick. Our hearts trump. And if they're like, what, and do you need to lie down? Then you know, they're a good doctor.

Speaker 4:
[80:19] That's when you know, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[80:23] You just shave in a haircut them into yelling something homophobic and you're like, yeah, there it is.

Speaker 3:
[80:29] So we get her providing now her evidence for God. She explains that there is scientific evidence. We have to presuppose God exists for it to work. And she says, you know, just ask yourself, for example, could my God fit in this gap? And what she's doing to start off, she's like, you know, you got to look at these things and say, would God be a more likely explanation than the naturalistic explanation? And I would not only argue that God isn't the better explanation, God can't be the better explanation, right? Because no matter what you're trying to explain, you now have to also explain the existence of God, which is another thing, right? So now you have two things to explain. One of them is infinitely complex.

Speaker 4:
[81:11] And her example of this is the top of the mountain metaphor. Now, I have not heard this for a really long time because it's so fucking stupid, but here's the apologetic, right? It's like, there's a mountain, and you go up the mountain, and going up the mountain is pretty fucking easy. But then you get to the top of the mountain, and the top of the mountain is harder to climb. So it probably means God put a guy at the top of the mountain if he's there. And I can't emphasize that that's the craziest fucking metaphor for what else could it be I could possibly think of.

Speaker 2:
[81:42] In all fairness, those were all words. And at the end of the day, you got to give it that. That was great.

Speaker 1:
[81:50] Yeah, that was just talk, talk, talk, God. Like that was it. That's the format of all of these things.

Speaker 2:
[81:55] We got there. We got to God and that's all that matters.

Speaker 3:
[81:58] She says at this point, she offers that mountain analogy thing. And then she goes, you know, you accuse us of invoking the God of the gaps, but you guys invoke the time of the gaps. And I'm like, that is not even where you would insert the word time if you were going to put it in that phrase.

Speaker 4:
[82:14] No, wait, sorry.

Speaker 1:
[82:15] Are they the time skeptics in Christianity? Are there truthers about that dimension?

Speaker 2:
[82:22] She's doing the whole thing where like, this is what Answers in Genesis does all the time, where it's like, well, if you want to say that anything evolved, no matter how ridiculous, you just say that it took millions and millions of years. And if it couldn't have evolved in a million years, you say it took 10 million. And if it couldn't have evolved, you say it took a billion and you just add time and time is the God. And it's like Ken Ham says all the days, like time is one of their gods. And like, the problem is math exists and we can actually figure out how long something would have taken to evolve. There's a thing called a molecular clock model. It's another thing that Donald doesn't know about, where we can look at a present genetic state and an ancestral genetic state, or we can even look at whatever protein or whatever is coded for by that gene. And we can use a fixed or even an estimated mutation rate to make an estimate of about how long it would take for such thing to evolve. And then here's the kicker. It's not just inventing the story. Evolution is science and science works because it makes novel testable predictions. So we can then have that molecular clock and say, okay, if this is true, then we should be able to look at this point in the fossil record, in this area of the world, in this strata, and we should find something like this. And guess the fuck what we do. And so what they're talking about here, oh, it's just time. You just decide, well, anytime there's just, you put time in it. That's not how it works. That's what you motherfuckers do. Whenever you go into Genesis 1 and it says, okay, well, in a day God made this, that doesn't make any sense. Well, day could mean various things. And really, what is a day to God? That's time of the gaps. When we talk about like, well, he knows how he made plants on this day and then he made light afterwards. That's weird. Well, time is a meaningless thing when you're the creator of the universe. He's outside of time. Bitch, that's time of the gaps. And meanwhile, we're over here doing actual fucking science and Donald James Parker, who does not know, and I can't, I've said it before, I'm gonna say it again, literally the first thing about the topic that he's trying to debunk is sitting here giving us the laziest fucking Ken Ham excuses. And I know he's getting his shit from Ken Ham and whatnot, because in his version of the debate video that's posted on his channel, which shockingly still has zero fucking comments after two years, he has a line that says, this is my movie reaction or my movie response to this debate, and it's this. And then he has another line that says, this is what I wish I would have been able to say if I had the presence of mine to do it. And it's a goddamn answers in Genesis video of a protein evolution. It's a link to Calvin Smith talking about how motor proteins can't possibly evolve. And it's the laziest shit you have ever seen.

Speaker 1:
[85:18] You know what? I feel bad. I'm going to give him one comment. I'm going to write, oof. There we go.

Speaker 2:
[85:24] There we go.

Speaker 4:
[85:25] See how long it lasts.

Speaker 3:
[85:26] Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[85:27] But this is also where he raises his big objection to Christianity. Because I think when people ask us why we're atheists, the number one reason that lives in our hearts and our minds is if Jesus died on a Friday and rose on a Sunday, he was only dead for two days.

Speaker 3:
[85:46] That's the only thing.

Speaker 4:
[85:48] That's it. That's the big issue.

Speaker 3:
[85:49] He says, he says, you there's some wacky stuff in the Bible, too. And she goes, really? And that's what he leads with. She's like, no, no, I do have to concede that that's, we got that one wrong. They're awful.

Speaker 2:
[86:03] I wish, I wish that I could give my life to Christ. But at the end of the day, Tuesday isn't Friday y'all.

Speaker 4:
[86:09] And that's the only thing.

Speaker 2:
[86:12] It's over.

Speaker 4:
[86:12] Donald, you're the one who can make the movie called Tuesday is Friday. That's going to win us over.

Speaker 2:
[86:19] My soul is on the line, Donald. Please convince me that the days of the week don't exist.

Speaker 3:
[86:25] There's also a great line here where they're getting done with their theology workout or whatever. And he goes like, look, you can get me up at 6 a.m. and make me sweat a gallon of sweat every day. And there's no sweat on either of you. No, like I have more sweat just from having to turn the AC off to do the record. Are you fucking kidding me? You guys didn't sweat. OK, so now we head back to the studio to chat with his co-host, right?

Speaker 4:
[86:50] Yeah. And the co-host is like, hey, man, can you just trick her into sex so that this stops being what the movie is about?

Speaker 2:
[86:56] That was the second time I wrote in all caps in my notes.

Speaker 3:
[86:59] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[86:59] Because yes, his co-host is literally, he literally says, just pretend to convert. And then he used, I wrote it down. Then he says, you can just wet her and bed her and wed her. And I'm like, first of all, gross, check this motherfucker's hard drives, please. And second of all, like, you think you can get married to this woman and not keep up the ruse of being a Christian? Like, what?

Speaker 3:
[87:24] When you're an atheist podcaster, like, yes.

Speaker 2:
[87:27] Yes, continue, the rest of your life, you will continue at this career. But at least you got a piece of pediatrician ass, so it's all worth it, right?

Speaker 5:
[87:37] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[87:38] What, who is this person?

Speaker 2:
[87:39] Who is this for?

Speaker 1:
[87:40] I hope this guy Forrest becomes a Christian, but if he fakes it, I'd be cool with that, too.

Speaker 5:
[87:45] Like, either way. If you were to take advantage of my good graces, oh, Forrest, you trickster.

Speaker 2:
[87:51] I take advantage of his good graces or his daughter, and then I'll be happy.

Speaker 5:
[87:55] Yeah, right. Especially that little circle you make around my labia majora.

Speaker 3:
[88:03] So, yeah, but his buddy, his co-host tells him, he warns him, he's like, you know, yeah, he doesn't believe in the labia majora, but his buddy warns him, he's like, you get talking to those Christians, they could be awfully convincing. There are plenty of videos on YouTube of Atheists converting to Christianity. And I'm like, there are plenty of videos on YouTube of fucking big foot in lingerie. I mean, whatever you want, bro, it's there.

Speaker 4:
[88:29] And I've jerked off to both of those videos.

Speaker 2:
[88:34] It's a challenging wank, I'll give it that. As an atheist podcaster who does the live call-in shows and all those things all the time, check me out on the line. I've had plenty of Christians call in saying that they de-converted and they de-constructed because of what they saw from us. Donald, because again, I know you are listening to this. I just want you to know, man, I promise you, I give you my solemn word as an atheist, I will lead 10 people away from Jesus for every one that you lead to it. Like that, I promise you, bro.

Speaker 1:
[89:11] One of yours, 10 of ours.

Speaker 3:
[89:14] I know that this particular group of four doesn't really exemplify this very well, but almost everyone who is within this Atheist movement, the broader Atheist movement, started as a Christian.

Speaker 2:
[89:26] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[89:26] Right? And got talked out of it, got talked out of it with some kind of evidence.

Speaker 2:
[89:30] By an evil atheist.

Speaker 3:
[89:32] Yeah. So, okay, now we're going to get one of my favorite cuts in the entire fucking movie, where we cut over to Trey's Presbyterian parents worrying about his soul.

Speaker 2:
[89:44] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[89:44] And would you mind just, Heath, would you mind reenacting this scene with me?

Speaker 1:
[89:48] Sure.

Speaker 4:
[89:49] Yeah. Will you be the mom and I'll be the dad?

Speaker 1:
[89:51] I'm Trey's mom.

Speaker 4:
[89:52] Yeah. Just real quick, if you don't mind. Just so quick. Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[89:54] Okay. So I think, you know, I sense something's happening.

Speaker 2:
[89:59] God damn it. I don't want to.

Speaker 3:
[90:03] That's the fucking scene. She's like, I sense that there's something wrong. We should pray for our son. And he's like, maybe our son can go fuck himself in that.

Speaker 2:
[90:13] God damn it.

Speaker 4:
[90:14] There's no amount. I'm so, I wish I was a better planner so I could murder you, Myrtle. I fucking hate every day.

Speaker 5:
[90:22] You were so hot.

Speaker 4:
[90:23] And I just thought, God damn it, Myrtle.

Speaker 1:
[90:25] Are you faking your Christianity just to have sex with me?

Speaker 4:
[90:29] I'll poison myself and send you to prison so someone else can stab you to death, Myrtle. I swear to God.

Speaker 1:
[90:35] Are we like 99% of Christian marriages right now?

Speaker 4:
[90:37] I'll eat any mushroom you put on my plate right now. No questions asked, no cooking.

Speaker 3:
[90:44] All right. So, okay. So then we cut over to Julie and Laurie having a morning chat. And Laurie is telling us about a movie she watched last night and how the priest in it was trying to get people to go up and people who didn't go up died and no fucking clue. No idea.

Speaker 4:
[91:01] You're not aware of the 1972 film, The Poseidon Adventure?

Speaker 1:
[91:06] Well, I actually am. Like the biggest hole in my atheism is the 1972 movie.

Speaker 4:
[91:11] Is The Poseidon Adventure?

Speaker 3:
[91:12] Poseidon Adventure. I get it.

Speaker 1:
[91:14] So that's a tough one. You could just fuck me right in that heel with The Poseidon Adventure.

Speaker 3:
[91:18] So look, he was watching that movie and he had this thought.

Speaker 5:
[91:21] He's like, oh, that's going to be in the movie. That's a pretty good observation I made right there.

Speaker 4:
[91:26] It's also, I know it's not the point. It's not what The Poseidon Adventure is about, Donald. I know there are so many things you're not going to get in life, but there's just a part of me that needs you to know that's not what The Poseidon Adventure is about.

Speaker 2:
[91:38] He doesn't. That's a different God. He's not going to look into it.

Speaker 4:
[91:42] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3:
[91:45] So the girls talk about how evolutionists offer us no hope. And I'm like, is that an evolutionists job really to offer you hope? And then she says, this is the scariest moment in the movie for me. Laurie says to Julie, hey, what if we tried to find his parents and we got in touch with them and prayed with them?

Speaker 2:
[92:07] Funny you say that. It is also the scariest part of the movie for me. I literally I was sitting on the couch watching this with my wife and like I pause and like we had to sit and like take a stalk of like which of my family members are still alive that I could like try to like figure out like he may have tried to reach out to you. Did he actually try to hunt down? He's not going to find anybody. But holy shit, man, I wonder if he tried.

Speaker 4:
[92:33] OK, OK, but can I say, Forrest, there are two really solid whammies if he decides to go for parents on this podcast.

Speaker 3:
[92:40] Oh, that's what I'm saying. If like honestly, if he decided to look for ours, I would pay so much money to see the email exchange between Donald James Parker and Liz Rosenberg.

Speaker 4:
[92:53] Her email is displayed on the screen now. For those of you watching along on YouTube, you can find my mother's. Donald, feel free to reach out to lead Bennett Hopkins award winner, Liz Rosenberg, with all your objections.

Speaker 2:
[93:07] My dad hasn't returned a single email for like over like almost 15 years now. He has been dead for that time.

Speaker 3:
[93:13] But like, I assume that it's just a proof of from an atheist perspective. I guess that that makes sense. All right. Well, I need a quick break to ask my mom to check her spam folder. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Will Gramps's next movie be about that time he wet himself on the bus? Will he make one about the time he didn't realize he'd forgotten his wallet until he got all the way to the checkout at Walmart and then he had to go back and put all the stuff back and it was really embarrassing? Does making a humiliating movie about a time you were humiliated cancel out and give you back your dignity? Yes, maybe and no, but stick around anyway for the rest of the movie because it's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1:
[93:52] Okay, if you'll just look at the chart.

Speaker 4:
[93:54] No dice, Mr. Salesman.

Speaker 3:
[93:57] Hey, Heath, why is Eli hiding behind our couch? Did Forrest have to use the mace we gave him?

Speaker 4:
[94:02] No, he's coming for my phone.

Speaker 3:
[94:05] His what?

Speaker 1:
[94:06] Yeah, so Eli's been a little jumpy since he switched to Mint Mobile.

Speaker 3:
[94:10] What's Mint Mobile?

Speaker 1:
[94:13] Mint Mobile is here to rescue with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

Speaker 4:
[94:23] I didn't have to switch my phone.

Speaker 1:
[94:25] That's right, you didn't. Bring your own phone and number, activate with eSIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassle. Ditched, overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile for $15 a month.

Speaker 3:
[94:39] I don't know, Heath. Have you actually tried it?

Speaker 4:
[94:41] I have. I switched my whole family to Mint Mobile. Now we get the same service for a fraction of the cost.

Speaker 3:
[94:46] Great. Where do I sign up?

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 3:
[95:08] All right, guys. Thanks.

Speaker 1:
[95:10] Now, will you come out from behind the couch, Eli?

Speaker 4:
[95:14] Does Forrest promise not to steal my phone?

Speaker 1:
[95:16] Yes, he does.

Speaker 4:
[95:18] And not to mace me for touching?

Speaker 1:
[95:21] Is...

Speaker 3:
[95:23] No deal.

Speaker 1:
[95:25] It's gonna be a while.

Speaker 3:
[95:26] Yeah, I'll go grab a coffee.

Speaker 4:
[95:29] A little bit of touching.

Speaker 2:
[95:32] Are you sure this isn't some sort of cunning farce? No, Donald. For the third time, I just want to help with the movie.

Speaker 3:
[95:41] Oh yeah?

Speaker 5:
[95:42] Well, how so?

Speaker 2:
[95:43] Look, I'm not gonna pretend that I loved your movie, Donald. I just want to give you some sort of insight into Atheist podcasting, because you seem to be missing it.

Speaker 5:
[95:51] Oh, oh, I see.

Speaker 2:
[95:53] So I thought I'd just bring you by the record so you could see how it all actually works.

Speaker 5:
[95:58] Oh, into the lion's den, so to speak.

Speaker 2:
[96:02] Sure, man.

Speaker 3:
[96:03] And they won't mind?

Speaker 2:
[96:05] Nope, I just set up a little spot for us right over here in the corner.

Speaker 4:
[96:09] OK, you guys ready?

Speaker 3:
[96:10] Yep, yep, just five count. Yeah, five count one, two, three, four, five. Sorry, sorry, did you forget to count Eli?

Speaker 4:
[96:24] Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 3:
[96:25] Jesus. OK, so five count, five count. Five count. One, two, three, four, five. Heath, I didn't hear you that time. Heath, are you?

Speaker 4:
[96:39] Oh, shit, it kicked him off the call.

Speaker 3:
[96:41] Oh, I'll message him on Facebook.

Speaker 1:
[96:44] Can you guys hear me now?

Speaker 3:
[96:45] Yeah, yeah. Oh, great. Sorry, when did we lose you?

Speaker 1:
[96:50] After I said yes.

Speaker 3:
[96:53] All right. So let's do the we'll do the five count.

Speaker 1:
[96:56] You know, I forget.

Speaker 4:
[96:56] Yeah, no, I forgot.

Speaker 1:
[96:58] Five count. Got it.

Speaker 3:
[97:00] Okay. One, two.

Speaker 4:
[97:02] Sorry, I forgot to press record.

Speaker 1:
[97:03] Press record.

Speaker 3:
[97:04] For sake.

Speaker 4:
[97:05] I was gonna press record.

Speaker 5:
[97:08] How long does this go on for?

Speaker 2:
[97:10] About 50 or so minutes.

Speaker 5:
[97:12] Oh, wow. Got it.

Speaker 3:
[97:17] And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with a second theological workout session where they'll be debating, I guess, another one of the vulnerabilities, Forrest's vulnerabilities that Graham Swishy had exploited was the Shroud of Turin. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[97:34] Classical slam dunk against atheists that had been taken super seriously the whole time.

Speaker 3:
[97:42] Oh, yeah. If only he had thought to debunk the carbon dating of the Shroud of Turin with his, what if that was just a patch that got carbon dated arguments?

Speaker 5:
[97:52] Carbon is actually a Ponzi scheme, is what I got.

Speaker 4:
[97:55] Sorry, Donald, real quick, do you think they only did one specific spot?

Speaker 3:
[98:01] One fire.

Speaker 4:
[98:02] Of the Shroud of Turin?

Speaker 3:
[98:03] No, they just got all patches.

Speaker 2:
[98:04] Yeah, one tiny bit. And it was the only place that was exposed to smoke during a fire and the only place where soot landed and the trained scientists from several different organizations all made the same mistake, the same way at the same time.

Speaker 3:
[98:21] And didn't think of that and didn't think, oh fuck man, we should have done two.

Speaker 2:
[98:27] The thing is, if Donald James Parker had ever read any scientific paper ever, he would have found this thing called the discussion section where you talk about all the ways that you could be wrong about this and like all the issues with and the things that need to be tested in the future and the things you left out and all that stuff. And maybe would have found the people who talk about why this hypothesis, this is this immunizing hypothesis that is being suggested doesn't work and doesn't make any logical sense. But then for that to happen, you would also probably have to know the word isotope and that's not happening.

Speaker 4:
[99:01] Yeah, no, there's a lot of steps. Before you make it to the discussion section of a paper, there are so many steps along the road that are going to lose Donald James Parker.

Speaker 3:
[99:13] And she says, well, the blood on the Shroud of the Turin is fake. And she goes, one guy said it wasn't. I'm like, why would that even be relevant? We know that the forgers would have had access to blood, regardless of when it was made.

Speaker 2:
[99:27] It also doesn't look like a person if it was draped over a person. And they kind of touch on that. Where it's like, no, it's like a photo negative. And they never get all the way into the talking point. Where it's like, no, there was this radiant light from Jesus that burned his image into the thing. And so it is blood, but also isn't blood. But it's weird, you know, whatever.

Speaker 4:
[99:50] I was always wondering why the Shroud of Turin looked like this. And now I know.

Speaker 2:
[99:55] Exactly, yeah, it's a selfie.

Speaker 1:
[99:56] So your story is the son of God photocopied his boobs onto a sheet. That's what you're going with.

Speaker 4:
[100:05] Fun office prank on the way out.

Speaker 3:
[100:07] Yeah. And he had a really wide head.

Speaker 2:
[100:09] There's actually a study that shows if you were to drape something over a person and it made contact like a sheet would over a human being, this is what it looks like. And as you would expect, like all the limbs are like weirdly wide and spread out because that's going to have more of a contact area. And you really get like superficial contact with like places like the face and everything. But in fact, when we look at the shower turn, it's the opposite. You get a really weirdly detailed face with perfectly brained hair as if the person is standing upright instead of laying down and its hair is splayed out. And it's like it's almost as if somebody painted this fucking picture in a time where they didn't think about how photo negatives work because that shit didn't exist. Who knew that we would have something. That's how Jesus operates. As with fossils, as with radiometric dating, as with light in space, God is really, really, really good at making it look like all the evidence for him is bullshit and all the evidence against him is solid. Because that tests you as a Christian. That's what it is.

Speaker 1:
[101:16] It's the perfect crime.

Speaker 3:
[101:17] Well, sometimes that's also Satan, but yes, it's also that.

Speaker 2:
[101:21] Right. Right. It's always God unless it's Satan and then that's God anyway, but not actually.

Speaker 1:
[101:25] Right.

Speaker 2:
[101:26] Whatever.

Speaker 3:
[101:27] So, yeah. So they're having this argument about the Shroud of Turin. There's one part here that I love where he's like, ha ha, your dad is so dumb and lame and stupid. What? Did I say something wrong?

Speaker 2:
[101:39] That's how you talk to women.

Speaker 4:
[101:40] They love it when you rip on their dads.

Speaker 3:
[101:43] Negging, they call it. So also, I love that these actors both try to start there like, okay, well, what will we do next? Planking. And then two seconds later, they're like, we probably wouldn't do planking, huh?

Speaker 5:
[101:53] Ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 1:
[101:55] Well, okay, what's funny is Julie's doing planking and he's just laying on his side for the whole scene.

Speaker 4:
[102:00] He's just lying there in the fetal position being like, yep, we both planked for equal amounts of time for the physical business.

Speaker 1:
[102:07] Ninety-nine, a hundred. Okay, you can still keep going, but life's cool. That's cool.

Speaker 2:
[102:11] The whole time she's like, you got to quit making fun of my dad. It's really mean. And in this moment, Donald James Parker had this character say everything he wishes somebody would have said in his defense. He has this person, he has to write and edit and film and direct someone standing up to his bullies for him. And again, his bully is a 30 something year old biologist in Oklahoma who asked him politely if he knows what words mean.

Speaker 3:
[102:43] And again, for those who haven't seen the video, I cannot emphasize how nice Forrest was through this entire video. It's painful for me how nice he was through this entire fucking interview.

Speaker 4:
[102:54] If Donald would return my emails, you would see the difference.

Speaker 2:
[102:58] But a ton of the comments on those videos are talking about how I'm too patient and I let him ramble on too much. And I really just wanted to let him say whatever he had to say and just really show where he was coming from and where he was coming from was entirely up his own ass, as we all expected.

Speaker 3:
[103:17] And that's where he retreated to at the end. So the value of the discussion that you guys had and that being there on the record in the internet, what you sacrificed your sanity for there is the fact that we can say for certain that look, he's had this shit painstakingly explained to him in a level of detail where like each step along the way, Forrest said, hey, does this part make sense? Right? Can we agree on this part? And then when he gets to the end and he's like, now pronounce the whole word together, he's like, Jesus did it. Right? And the fact that we have that, we know that that exists in the world, we can say, well, okay, well, we know where he's coming from. We know it's not that he doesn't know the information, hasn't had an opportunity to know the information. Right? And it's good. It's useful, like, because if you like do this long enough, you start feeling sorry for the guy and you're like, yeah, it's been a long time since Unexpected Bar Mitzvah, you know, or whatever. And then you see something like this and you're like, no, no, no. OK, all right. He's doing his shit on purpose.

Speaker 4:
[104:18] Yeah, 100 percent.

Speaker 3:
[104:19] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[104:20] What bothers me about it is like in that interview, like the most important moment for me is at the very end, I asked him, like, would like what would possibly change your mind? Could anything change your mind? And his answer was, I hope not. And I was used to think about this. I work like and like that's he shows over and over in this movie, how much it bothered him that I was I said, I don't want to go to heaven and stuff. But all the shows is I was at least willing to entertain his idea in his world view and say, what would be the deal? I got tears. Here's what I do with that information. Now, this dude literally will not even consider the idea that he's wrong. Yeah, because it's just too scary for him. And that man, that donk so bad.

Speaker 3:
[105:01] Well, but my favorite part is immediately after that, because you point out that he just said that. You know, you've been like after after he says that, you're like, okay, well, so I just said that if you provided good evidence, I would change my mind. And you just said that you wouldn't change your mind or at least you hope that you wouldn't change your mind regardless of what evidence I presented. So you see how that's an impediment to a discussion. And he goes, that's not what I said. And he says, he says, what I said was this. And it's like, it was eight seconds ago. Now we all heard what you just fucking said.

Speaker 4:
[105:27] You didn't even press the rewind button on the YouTube video.

Speaker 3:
[105:30] You know how videos work, right?

Speaker 4:
[105:32] You know you're not writing Forrest's lines, right?

Speaker 2:
[105:35] He wishes he was. And in this movie, he was. And he's still lost to his own arguments.

Speaker 4:
[105:41] Yeah, it's very sad.

Speaker 3:
[105:41] Still fucking lost.

Speaker 2:
[105:43] He removed himself from the first second half of the movie so we couldn't make fun of him. And yet he's still here. And he still made fun of himself.

Speaker 3:
[105:52] Well, but there's also this point here too, where I think, because a lot of this, he knows he's speaking directly to us with this movie, right? He knows we're all gonna watch it and shit. And he says, you know, would you be happy if somebody was mocking your parents? And I'm like, hey man, if my parents were making homophobic, antisemitic, transphobic, anti-science, pro-Trump YouTube videos with fucking baby's first camera production values, I would be mocking them myself, Donald.

Speaker 1:
[106:18] I would also not invite them to Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3:
[106:21] Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2:
[106:22] That's the whole thing. If I found out today that my dad is out here making YouTube videos like this, I'm going to freak out because that means he's alive.

Speaker 3:
[106:30] Yeah, he's been alive this whole time, right?

Speaker 4:
[106:33] That's tough, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[106:37] Now I'm just picturing my dad who is also passed away and had a stroke doing aphasia YouTube videos.

Speaker 4:
[106:44] What's up, Sam?

Speaker 5:
[106:45] It's your boy, Burr Butts.

Speaker 2:
[106:48] He'll tell you about all the things that Forrest got wrong and his evolution. You are only allowed to do that because it is your dad.

Speaker 3:
[106:59] Yeah, right, right. Actually, it's Heath's dad. It was actually Heath's dad. He doesn't even have that excuse, man.

Speaker 5:
[107:05] But we were close. I met him once.

Speaker 1:
[107:07] No, he gave Eli an aphasia card. It's cool.

Speaker 3:
[107:09] Yeah, no, exactly. It's true. He just cashed that one in. He's got three more punches.

Speaker 4:
[107:13] This is one of my son's drawings. I can't tell. They're very similar.

Speaker 3:
[107:16] All right. So five. But I also, I want to point out too that my dad's recently deceased, but like he was alive while I was doing this for a living. He's Christian. My mom's Christian.

Speaker 4:
[107:25] He didn't talk funny.

Speaker 3:
[107:25] They're proud of me. Yeah, no, my dad didn't talk funny. He forgot shit. That got funny eventually. But no, but like they're proud of what I do, right? Despite the fact that they don't agree with me about religion, right? They're just proud that I like followed something that I loved and I do something that I think is important, right?

Speaker 1:
[107:40] Well, your mom is pretty sure it's just a phase of atheism.

Speaker 3:
[107:43] Yeah, she also thinks it's a phase.

Speaker 4:
[107:45] This mom does think the scathing atheist from The Scathing Atheist is probably going to come back around at some point.

Speaker 3:
[107:52] Probably, yes, probably, please, appreciate it. Okay, so now they moved from the gym to the coffee shop now so that she can give us the just look at the trees argument. And I think all of us have in our notes, oh my God, there's a banana on the table, guys. Guys, there's a banana on the table.

Speaker 1:
[108:07] I was really excited when they go after it.

Speaker 4:
[108:08] And she bananas it, she's full banana man.

Speaker 2:
[108:10] That was the third time that I wrote an all captioned my notes.

Speaker 4:
[108:16] Full banana man set. They, Donald was smart enough though, not to have the actress do any of the miming with the banana. You know, she went for it and he was like, I've seen what they do to our kind.

Speaker 2:
[108:28] My notes, my notes at this point were, I do know what love is, Donald, because he was talking about how atheists don't know what love is. Look at the trees at the Custard Place and then in all comfort, she did Ray Comfort's banana.

Speaker 1:
[108:42] It's amazing.

Speaker 2:
[108:43] And then immediately into Donald James Parker doesn't know how fruit works. And there's a whole page here about everything he doesn't know about fruit.

Speaker 1:
[108:52] Yeah. Just to be clear about the intelligent design narrative of the banana, that means that God created the banana at some point and was like, fucking bananas, nailed it. Wait, you didn't let me finish. Pull tab.

Speaker 4:
[109:06] Yes.

Speaker 3:
[109:07] Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[109:07] Nice.

Speaker 3:
[109:08] Yeah. He was proud of that one, even though you really should open it from the other side.

Speaker 1:
[109:11] And then an angel was like, how about like a resealable ziplock thing? And he's like, fuck, get out. Get out, Sarah, the invention room.

Speaker 3:
[109:18] Kick him out the window. Yeah. Right. But he's like the extent of his ignorance is staggering. And Forrest, I'll throw this to you because this is more your area of expertise than mine. Just to show you how little he knows, even for a layman that doesn't really know about this shit, she goes, well, how does creating a delicious fruit aid the plant in surviving? And I'm like, well, we eat it and then we shit out the seeds and the seeds get spread further when people carry the fucking fruit. Do you not know that, Don Holtz?

Speaker 4:
[109:46] No, those are its babies. That's not the fruit.

Speaker 2:
[109:49] And that's just one of the things. An animal could eat it and then poop out the seeds later. That's just dispersal. Also, the fruit itself is nourishment for the seeds if you just bury the fucking fruit. Then the fruits that we have are all subject to artificial selection.

Speaker 3:
[110:09] That too, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[110:10] If you go look at what a natural peach or a natural apple or a natural banana looks like, they don't look like the shit we have today, which have this massive amount of like pith and flesh and shit inside just to feed us and give us extra nutrients, the sweetness and the flavor and the meat that we want. That doesn't exist in fucking nature. It's just a little bit to either feed an animal and get dispersed, which is a trade-off, an evolutionary trade-off, not a fucking controversial idea, or to nourish the fruit itself, the seed itself. Like it's so bothersome. But then we'd have to get into what the fuck a fruit is. And this man doesn't know what fruit are. And so the bananas are berries, y'all, first of all. Yeah. You're going to blow Donald James Parker's mind if you tell him about tomatoes being fruit.

Speaker 1:
[110:58] This guy's looking up words and checking stuff. That's cheating. He's a wimp.

Speaker 3:
[111:02] He's knowing all these knowledges.

Speaker 4:
[111:06] What's so crazy is he makes the grapefruit argument, right? Which is, look, if you don't know that grapefruits are a cross-bred hybrid, it's a really nice layman knockdown drag out argument, right? If laymen don't know about cross-breeding.

Speaker 3:
[111:19] And artificial selection, right? If they just imagine that that just popped up in nature. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[111:23] Yeah. You're like, look at that big wet ball of juice. Come on. It feels good. It sounds good. But here's the crazy thing. Donald does know about the cross-breeding. And then he lets the atheist scientist character talk about it. And then her response is.

Speaker 2:
[111:41] Fucking fuck you.

Speaker 5:
[111:43] Like she has no risk. She does.

Speaker 1:
[111:45] Do you want to have sex with me? Really? My dad through this crazy sexual exploration that's happening.

Speaker 4:
[111:50] Her response is essentially hybrid schmibrid. How is that real? Right.

Speaker 2:
[111:55] And then she says some shit about like, well, you don't even know where things come from in the first place. It's like, first of all, we yeah, actually, we know a lot. And second of all, then you just launch into complexity. And the guy even says like complexity isn't a good argument. But of course, he doesn't know why complexity is a good argument. He just knows that it isn't. And so then he has her make a bad argument about complexity that doesn't address any of the actual issues. She's like, well, things are so complex and you don't know where they come from. And he's like, that's not a good argument. She's like, yeah, but things are so complex and you don't know where they come from. And he's like, fuck, you're right.

Speaker 3:
[112:30] And I didn't think about it like that. I didn't think about it in that tone. But my favorite part of that is that she goes to make the complexity argument. She's like, it's a Donald James Parker's audience. And he's like, blind watchmaker. Oh, that's going to be a little complicated from, I feel like we should probably use Legos.

Speaker 5:
[112:46] Yeah, Legos is better.

Speaker 4:
[112:49] And before she leaves.

Speaker 1:
[112:50] Wait, those are hard to handle, the small duplos.

Speaker 5:
[112:53] We'll do duplos. Yeah, duplos are those. Play schools. The Winnie the Pooh set specifically that comes with the app that tells you how to do it. The animated pieces hop together is the one that I need.

Speaker 4:
[113:05] But before she leaves, she gives them a challenge. And this fucking rules, right? So this is a classic Christian apologetic, which has since been debunked because we really, really know how the circulatory system evolved. But it used to be, draw me how the circulatory system evolved. And then nerds like Forrest were like, oh, okay, here you go. So he's got the Donald James Parker version where he's like, draw me how the circulatory system evolved. And also, wait till let me finish. Also, blood and hypertension with it. Stop saying you keep opening your mouth like you have answers. And then also there's a grapefruit in the blood, but it's small.

Speaker 1:
[113:44] Also, how many windows are in New York City right now? Also, you have to say that at the end and draw it.

Speaker 2:
[113:50] Actually the same argument from our debate and actually the same argument from Gramps Goes to College. What evolved first, the blood or the brain or the lungs? And we broke that down in my review. And then he asked me again in the debate, and I answered him then, and now here we are again. Like, well, the blood or the circulatory system or the heart? Like, brother, we have answers, and you have my email address.

Speaker 3:
[114:18] What is this? Why would you even think that, like, cause like, he's asking like, well, like the assumption then is that the heart evolved by itself and then just hopped on into a chest somewhere. Why would you not assume that this shit all evolved together? Anyway, it's such a weird place to start, right? Like, why are we even talking you off of this of all legends?

Speaker 2:
[114:39] Mosaic evolution is a thing, man.

Speaker 1:
[114:41] Yeah, also, if we're playing with, make me a picture of something, draw me a picture of God creating the platypus with a straight face while he's doing it.

Speaker 2:
[114:52] He'll just use AI. He'll just use AI.

Speaker 1:
[114:55] Wait, Duck Beaver Otter, wait. Also, poison, I want poison in there. What?

Speaker 3:
[115:02] Eggs, eggs.

Speaker 2:
[115:03] You know what pisses me the fuck off is that ducks have been around for couple tens of millions of years, right? Platypuses are monotremes, right? Back in the day, right, when mammals, first of all, we're talking about 220 million years ago.

Speaker 3:
[115:19] So we're going to grind your gears about monotremes? I'm sorry, by all means, go right ahead.

Speaker 1:
[115:24] My wife, Anne, is so plugged in right now because you said monotremes.

Speaker 2:
[115:29] 220 million years ago, fucking mammals evolved. And for the first about 100 billion years, we were all amniotes. We were all land eggs. It isn't until another 100 million years that we get placentals and marsupials splitting off. And so you've got about 120 million years-ish in there in that range. That's where you get the splits, where you have eutherians, placentals, which is us, the placental mammal. And then you've got marsupials, the little pouchy boys over there. And then you've got still the monotremes. And now we go up to date.

Speaker 4:
[116:02] Don't try to reach me by saying, pouchy boys. I felt that.

Speaker 2:
[116:04] There's only two.

Speaker 4:
[116:06] Ah, shit, I'm losing the fat one.

Speaker 5:
[116:08] Pouchy boys.

Speaker 2:
[116:10] There's only two extant monotremes. Those are the ground state, right? Those are the normal mammals. Everybody else is actually the weird ones. We look at them laying eggs. We're like, you guys are so weird. We're the weird ones. Point is, 120 million years ago, we have that going on. Couple tens of million years, you get ducks. Birds go back like 114 million years in general. And then ducks specifically are a pretty modern thing. And then we look at the fucking platypus that's been here the whole time. We're like, you look like this bitch.

Speaker 5:
[116:42] You got a duck face.

Speaker 2:
[116:45] ducks have a platypus face. That's a platypus face duck is what it is.

Speaker 3:
[116:49] I got to say, I have to say, I feel like there's no way Heath could have known when he came for the platypus, what he was really opening up here. I love this.

Speaker 2:
[116:58] It gets me so mad.

Speaker 1:
[117:01] So my wife, Anne, is an enthusiast of monotremes very specifically. And Anne, if you're listening, I just want you to know that I also knew all the stuff that Forrest said. I could have explained all that if I wanted to. But I wanted to make sure he was gonna get it out there.

Speaker 4:
[117:14] Forrest, I know you said no to fucking our wives on air in front of us. But I want you to know that you accidentally said yes.

Speaker 3:
[117:21] Actually, Forrest, Heath is making a movie now about what his daughter was...

Speaker 2:
[117:26] Also, I'll talk to you in two seconds.

Speaker 4:
[117:28] He's the guy who knew all about poetry.

Speaker 3:
[117:32] So, okay.

Speaker 2:
[117:33] It's over.

Speaker 3:
[117:36] It's okay. So, meanwhile, Lori has successfully stalked Trey's parents.

Speaker 2:
[117:43] Yeah, she says the word Eureka unironically. She actually yells Eureka. Throughout this entire movie, these people get really, really close to sounding like a human. And then they blow it at the last minute every single time.

Speaker 3:
[117:58] Right, right. There's also this long moment here where she's like, Ah, I found them on Facebook, but there's no phone number. Um, well, I guess I'll go with Plan B because his audience doesn't, like, intuitively know that Facebook has a messaging capability. Right, right.

Speaker 2:
[118:14] That's the cell phones technology.

Speaker 3:
[118:16] Yes. Yeah, right. It's one of them cell phone things.

Speaker 2:
[118:18] I can't have that because it might connect to the Wi-Fi and track my pupils and put 5G in my blood.

Speaker 3:
[118:23] Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. It'll interfere with my vaccines.

Speaker 2:
[118:26] This man is an IT professional who made this, by the way.

Speaker 3:
[118:29] Right, yeah. Then we get this great, this fucking fantastic moment where we realize what it's like to be around Donald James Parker when he gets a message on Facebook, right? Because the woman, the mom says, honey, we just got a message from a non-friend on our Facebook account. And the dad goes, sounds like a scam to me. Yeah.

Speaker 5:
[118:51] God, I fucking hate it.

Speaker 4:
[118:52] Do you remember that sketch Adam Sandler and Chris Farley used to do with the Zagets Guide?

Speaker 1:
[118:57] That's these parents.

Speaker 4:
[118:59] Exactly.

Speaker 2:
[118:59] Let it be a gun.

Speaker 1:
[119:02] Lord, kill me now.

Speaker 2:
[119:05] God.

Speaker 3:
[119:06] He goes, it sounds like a scam. The mom character goes again, actual quote from the movie, I'm always very leery of strangers.

Speaker 1:
[119:16] I love that the husband is like, yeah, that sounds like a scam, but write back and see how it goes.

Speaker 3:
[119:21] Yeah, let's find out what kind of scam.

Speaker 4:
[119:23] I'm so bored with you all happily turn my life savings over to a guy in India. Honestly, anything that removes me from the day in, day out, waking up of your face, Margaret, I'll do it. I'll do it. They can have our bank account. I'll let them fuck you in front of me. Whatever you want.

Speaker 3:
[119:39] Possibly the most dangerous.

Speaker 4:
[119:41] Forrest Valkai.

Speaker 2:
[119:42] First of all, how dare you be so accurate? And second of all, don't start the meme, all right, because it's already, there's too many that haunt me.

Speaker 1:
[119:51] Eli already has the website.

Speaker 4:
[119:52] Forrest, would you like me to start a meme?

Speaker 2:
[119:55] It's okay.

Speaker 3:
[119:57] Don't regret saying that.

Speaker 4:
[119:58] Hang out.

Speaker 1:
[119:59] Dive out the window. The first person who comes to my comment section saying I fucked their wife in front of them is gonna be blocked unless they're correct.

Speaker 2:
[120:09] All right.

Speaker 3:
[120:09] All right, everybody.

Speaker 2:
[120:11] You know what you have to do.

Speaker 4:
[120:13] Somebody knows what they have to do.

Speaker 3:
[120:15] You've been on video the whole time, King. This is gonna work out for you.

Speaker 2:
[120:21] So, yeah, but possibly the most dangerous message in the history of Donald James Parker movies. Mom says at this point, oh, they want to pray with us. It can't be a scam, right? They're Christians. And then we cut to we cut to Benjamin. That's the co-host. That's the Heath character. And he is with Tracy, who we haven't met up to this point in the movie, which is insane given the role she's going to play from here on.

Speaker 3:
[120:45] Right.

Speaker 1:
[120:45] Right.

Speaker 3:
[120:45] Right.

Speaker 2:
[120:46] She's their production assistant at their podcasting studio.

Speaker 3:
[120:50] Like we have.

Speaker 2:
[120:51] Yes, exactly. And she's going to be like a main character for the rest of this movie, because Donald James Parker cannot conceive of a male-to-male friendship where you would like share emotional things about yourself.

Speaker 3:
[121:05] Of course, yeah. No, that makes sense. I will also say that we get a little bit of like a red herring with Tracy here, right? Because in this scene, Benji, the Heath slash me, is like, oh man, what are we going to do? How are we going to get him free of this girl? And she goes, I've got a plan. And then he's like, oh, what is it? And she's like, I'll tell you later. She never tells him later. And I think it's because Donald was like, Tracy, you'll fuck him. Tracy, you'll fuck him so hard, he'll you all up.

Speaker 1:
[121:37] She was supposed to like go sabotage something and like, and try to like force them to hook up or something. I forgot what exactly the plan was. What I found interesting is just like in Gramps Goes to College, he has yet again found a way to make the one single black person in his movie be a sneaky conspirator that is out here to try to-

Speaker 2:
[121:57] Oh, you're right.

Speaker 1:
[121:58] Just that's, that is the only thing he typecasts for. And it's so weird.

Speaker 2:
[122:03] Wow. So, okay. So then we check back in with Trey's parents. They're now on a Zoom call with Lori and Julie talking about the future of Forrest's soul. Right? So, and the dad wonders if perhaps their son's podcast isn't a sign of the apocalypse.

Speaker 3:
[122:23] You think maybe it's the end of the world and she'll be dead soon, I mean, will be dead soon?

Speaker 2:
[122:28] I love so much that at some point he was listening to one of our shows and he went, Oh, I bet this is a sign of the end times.

Speaker 4:
[122:35] This feels pretty tribulation-y to me. The fat one kind of looks like a horse, Lucas. I get it.

Speaker 3:
[122:42] I mean, he doesn't have a crown, but that could have gone with the ball, with the hair. His mom says something so fucking haunting here. And it's just such a perfect, because we have older listeners to our podcast. I'd prefer that they not, but they don't listen. And so it's such a classic old Christian thing to say. She says, you know, when I hear about child trafficking, I think, Oh Lord, why can't you just return now? But then my son wouldn't get to go to heaven. So I guess a few more child trafficking rapes are OK. Yes, right. All right.

Speaker 1:
[123:16] Well, yes, we got to save my kid. Fuck those.

Speaker 3:
[123:19] 11 more trafficking rapes.

Speaker 4:
[123:22] And then you got to come.

Speaker 3:
[123:24] I'm giving it. I'm going to call him right. I'm texting him. Trey, it's mom. You have 11 rapes.

Speaker 1:
[123:31] Jesus.

Speaker 4:
[123:33] OK, I'm just going to text the kids, too. There's a debate happening, and I think my son's going to end up being religious at the end of it. Just hold out for a little bit.

Speaker 1:
[123:42] And the other daughter.

Speaker 4:
[123:44] Why do you have a cell phone?

Speaker 1:
[123:45] The other daughter is like, I used to be, I was prodigal once, and then the Lord reeled me back so we can do the same thing for him. And the girl, Julie, is like, I'm trying. I'm trying everything I can. And then, if I remember correctly, the next scene with her and him debating, she flips her shit and doesn't try anymore. So I don't know, man.

Speaker 3:
[124:06] I will never give up on him. I have given up on him.

Speaker 2:
[124:12] So now, to be fair though, that's a little later. We know because when that scene starts, right? We get Trey and Julie at the gym and he goes, Oh, well, it's been two weeks since the last scene. And then I guess Donald James Parker's shower thoughts take us to a discussion of abiogenesis at this point.

Speaker 1:
[124:30] Yeah. And she's like unreasonably like angry and sour through this whole thing. She gets really, really upset with him over the exact same thing. He insulted her dad to her face and she was like, Hey, now, let's be nice. Fair. He's like, I'm not going to convince you with rational and intellectual arguments. And I'm like, have you tried one yet? Well, she's just so frustrated and angry at, I don't know why. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[124:57] Okay. My favorite misunderstanding in the argument here is she says something like, Don't the laws of science need a lawmaker? Otherwise, it would make sense. And I was like, no, I don't think they do. Because that narrative says, like, there's just like two objects hanging out and one's like, Dude, fall or we're going to fucking get in trouble. Fucking fall, we're going to get in so much fucking trouble.

Speaker 3:
[125:18] Depends who's enforcing the laws of gravity. If it's Odin, I'll fall like fuck, but if it's fucking Aphrodite, I'll fall whenever I feel like it. The second I get a certain distance from Earth, I'm just not going to fall anymore. And Eli will never understand why that happens. People will be like, oh, it's because it's heavy in the center. And I'll be like, that makes me know.

Speaker 2:
[125:38] That's not what it means. So, okay. So, but then, that's not what I said. So, but Trey goes to her at this point, he goes, okay, but why does so many people believe in evolution if it's not true? And she goes, I'm glad you asked. Satan, the Prince of Darkness.

Speaker 4:
[125:54] Okay, that's a trick, then.

Speaker 3:
[125:56] Do you get your check from Satan or do you do direct deposit?

Speaker 1:
[126:00] How do you think I afforded these bookshelves?

Speaker 3:
[126:03] I'll be like, that's the bookshelves, that's the big money you're rolling in over there.

Speaker 1:
[126:06] You think I have these in college?

Speaker 4:
[126:08] As far as the eye can see.

Speaker 3:
[126:10] Every time I hit him up for the Weekly Atheism Check, he tells me he doesn't have Venmo now. And I, you have Venmo.

Speaker 1:
[126:17] But between the Satan checks for evolution and the George Soros checks for the wokeness, I just, I'm rolling it over.

Speaker 3:
[126:25] You just got it coming out of all the holes.

Speaker 1:
[126:26] That turns out Donald Parker was right.

Speaker 4:
[126:28] I only use Zell and they won't let me connect it to Venmo.

Speaker 3:
[126:32] It's just, it's in your banking app, Satan.

Speaker 4:
[126:34] I've told you this. No, it's not.

Speaker 3:
[126:36] You're truly the Prince of Darkness.

Speaker 4:
[126:37] You're lying.

Speaker 3:
[126:38] This is the worst thing about you.

Speaker 2:
[126:41] So yeah, so he gives the, so she gives him the whole lot, where the love and emotions come from. And rather than like explaining those very explainable things, he's like, oh, come on. And then she gets fucking hysterical and leaves, right? Storms out.

Speaker 1:
[126:57] I hate to use the word hysterical for a woman, but that is precisely what I was like. She just, she just gets mad at nothing and storms off. And it's like, you have been talking to this dude for two weeks. If you're frustrated, be like, Hey yo, this isn't going to work. You chose to do this and you made this thing happen. You talked to his parents. He didn't ask you to talk to his parents. It's so bizarre. And the weight is 100% on her and she is so weird about it. And I know it's not the actress's fault. It is 100% Donald James Parker thinking that's how women behave.

Speaker 2:
[127:28] That that's why, well, and also that's how he's behaving in his own goddamn mind. That's why I feel okay saying the word hysterical because I'm talking about Donald James Parker.

Speaker 1:
[127:38] That's exactly what I'm saying. Normally, I don't like the term, but like, holy fuck. He is an emotional man. He is hormonal.

Speaker 3:
[127:45] He needs to be masturbated by a steam driven machine. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

Speaker 1:
[127:51] I don't like to think about that.

Speaker 2:
[127:53] Come on, we all like to think about it a little.

Speaker 1:
[127:57] There you go.

Speaker 3:
[127:59] You know the turn.

Speaker 1:
[128:01] You know the crank handle, you dirty boy. And to the other end. Yeah. That's what happens when you use this.

Speaker 2:
[128:10] So yeah, but she explains that the only way he's ever going to find religion is if God like shoots a bolt of the Holy Spirit into him. So okay, so then Julie calls Trey's mom to apologize for not being able to change his religious beliefs, right? We get a long conversation with them where mom is like, you know, hey, look, takes comfort in the fact that at least all the nonbelievers are going to burn in hell knowing that we were right.

Speaker 1:
[128:33] Yeah, she really is reveling in the fact that like at the end of the day, they get to rejoice in heaven and everyone else will just suffer and die. And in my notes over here, I wrote, I don't think my mom ever owned an ascot. How dare he portray her this way?

Speaker 3:
[128:50] Forrest's parents should make a response video.

Speaker 1:
[128:53] You'd have to dig them up, but I bet they'd be.

Speaker 2:
[128:55] Yeah, it would be. It would be some puppeteering would be involved.

Speaker 3:
[128:57] Sounds like consent to me.

Speaker 2:
[128:58] So okay, so now we get apparently they're still going to work out at the same gym at the same time.

Speaker 1:
[129:08] At the same gym, which he didn't want to do in the first place. She had to drag him kicking and screaming into the gym. And now he's there and he's been doing nothing but complain by the way. He's been complaining about how he had to get up early and now he's there at the same gym, at the same time, just to glance at her in meaningful ways.

Speaker 4:
[129:27] In like a silent, passive-aggressive, snit workout montage that we get. It's the fucking best. Just hating each other.

Speaker 1:
[129:36] Julie.

Speaker 4:
[129:38] Are you going to wipe it after you use it? You didn't wipe.

Speaker 3:
[129:42] They don't have that spray stuff here. They don't have the green spray stuff. It doesn't even matter.

Speaker 4:
[129:45] Just a towel anyway.

Speaker 1:
[129:47] Leave that snail trail on the workbench. That's as close as you're getting, bro.

Speaker 2:
[129:54] So now he's setting up a podcast record with Tracy and he decides to take her out for a coffee so they can have emotional talk, right? And he can tell her how bummed he is now that he's got, he's like, I've got some kind of a hole in my heart. I don't know what shape it is. I'm not familiar with this shape.

Speaker 4:
[130:08] It's like a shroud of something. I don't know.

Speaker 3:
[130:13] And I just want to take a moment and I don't want to bum us out too much, but Donald, we're all married. I have a kid like this weird stereotype you have of the loveless, forlorn, lost atheist. Is nobody on this show.

Speaker 4:
[130:29] Is no longer true now that I'm married, asshole.

Speaker 3:
[130:32] But he was a, he got a.

Speaker 1:
[130:34] No, I wrote that as well.

Speaker 3:
[130:35] And Forrest Fuxer, but that's okay. That's consensual. That's a thing.

Speaker 4:
[130:39] Monotremes are fucking cool.

Speaker 1:
[130:40] I wrote that in my stuff as well about like, he's trying to learn what love is. I can't stress this enough. I've been married the whole time you knew me, Donald. I think I talked about my wife with you when we were home. I can't remember, but I probably did. I bring her up a lot. She's great. And now you've got this guy. He literally says in the scene is like, I'm trying to process these emotions. Like how do they fit in the evolutionary pattern? As if him believing in evolution has stunted his ability to feel emotions at any time in his life. And now he is feeling love for the first time because he met a woman in a coffee shop twice.

Speaker 2:
[131:22] And like that's, I can't, I can't.

Speaker 1:
[131:24] And then he worked out with her for two weeks, said nothing of interest to anybody, made fun of her dad in front of her, and then she dumped his ass, which she should have done after he tried to awkwardly offer her his card. Who gives out cards, Donald? What is that? Who's giving out cards to chicks in the coffee shop? How old do you think I am? How old is this man? I don't understand. Maybe back when you were building pyramids, you had to do that. But bro, we have moved past that time. You are an IT man and you don't know how to tap somebody your contact info. I can't with this, but I'm losing my fucking mind.

Speaker 4:
[132:06] Okay. But her repartee and her witticisms about old movies were very clever.

Speaker 2:
[132:11] They were. Extremely old movies.

Speaker 1:
[132:13] Extremely old movies, like black and white movies.

Speaker 2:
[132:16] Yes, before either of them would have been born. If you combine their ages before either of them would have been born. So then like Julie shows up at the coffee shop and they're going to resolve their thing here. But the music in the background thinks that a fucking dwarf army is gearing up for the battle that has been foretold.

Speaker 1:
[132:37] So it's like, Oh, so we'll see you at seven.

Speaker 2:
[132:48] But she, he agrees to go to a worship service with her now. This is where he says, you know, I've been doing some research on emotions and also caterpillars.

Speaker 1:
[132:59] Yeah. The butterfly thing was really weird.

Speaker 2:
[133:02] He just had a point he wanted to make about butterflies.

Speaker 4:
[133:04] Also, you did, you did pwn me with facts and logic when we were at the gym most recently. That's true.

Speaker 1:
[133:10] And the whole thing is like, how did butterflies evolve? Right? That's, that's pretty crazy. But I think God made butterflies to show Jesus, you know, the way that they kind of die, except they don't at all. And then they come back more beautiful than before. And nobody knows how that works. Yeah. And that's like Jesus. And we see the butterfly flying around. And that teaches us that Jesus is there. And what I couldn't stop thinking over and over is like, butterflies definitely existed before Jesus, right?

Speaker 2:
[133:44] Well, that was foreshadowing.

Speaker 1:
[133:45] What were the people back then supposed to get out of it? Foreshadowing. Exactly. It was just foreshadowing for thousands of years.

Speaker 3:
[133:50] They did a Marty McFly. Whenever you saw a butterfly before Jesus was born, he would turn to you and go, you're not ready for this yet, but your kids are going to love it.

Speaker 2:
[133:59] He goes, he's like, you know, so wait a minute, you think that God made bugs pretty to like foreshadow our rebirth? And she says, well, it makes sense to me. And I'm like, does it really? Those words make sense to you.

Speaker 1:
[134:12] I worry for your patience that it should not make sense to you to say something like that. It's very strange. It is a deeply weird statement.

Speaker 2:
[134:21] He goes, you know, nothing about caterpillars makes sense in light of evolution. And I'm like, well, surely something's about them too.

Speaker 1:
[134:28] I like that he used that line too, because that is a famous there's this a famous quote from Theodosius Tosanski that nothing in biology makes sense except for in the light of evolution. Oh, and that is I made a four part series on my channel called The Light of Evolution, explaining evolutionary biology. And that was the whole thing. And so he made sure to throw that in there to say, this doesn't make sense in the light of evolution. To go against that quote. At least I assume this way. Who knows what Chad GPT wrote this for him. But like, in the scenario where he actually meant to say that, that means that he learned enough about evolution to learn popular quotes from evolutionary biologists, but not the definition of the word. And I can't, I can't hand, like if he had wrote a middle school essay about evolution, he would have done the thing where you start with Merriam-Webster to find this term as a man.

Speaker 2:
[135:24] You would have done it. He didn't get there. You couldn't even do that. So okay, but she takes him to this like, this drab culty songs at the park thing. She says, it's super informal and we get there, he's in button-tones and shit. I'm like, oh, your life is awful.

Speaker 3:
[135:40] And I have nothing to say about the people in attendance at this thing. They are all fellow humans who I respect. I respect them all.

Speaker 2:
[135:49] He brought a bunch of guys in wheelchairs with very visible disabilities as if daring Eli to make jokes about it.

Speaker 3:
[135:56] This is the only shout-out in the movie that I get, I believe, was him being like, oh yeah, Eli, you got anything to say about this fellow? I heard your podcast in 2015. I know you're still in there, big boy. Go on, go on, make a joke. And I was like, no, Forrest is here. I have changed, I have grown, I have nothing.

Speaker 4:
[136:18] I'm a guy in a wheelchair on a big red X piano hanging over the top.

Speaker 3:
[136:23] Oh, I sure hope nobody eats all these three musketeer bars. I've lived in a big chain.

Speaker 4:
[136:32] Big bowl of textured soy protein, huh?

Speaker 1:
[136:35] Calm down, textured soy protein. It's a bit too spicy.

Speaker 3:
[136:40] For my pleasure.

Speaker 1:
[136:43] This is the same park as in fucking Gramps Coast College as well.

Speaker 2:
[136:49] Oh, is it?

Speaker 3:
[136:50] Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1:
[136:51] That's the tunnel that he ran through to beat all of the 20-something athletes as a 60-year-old man. And then there's the bench where he bought the children milkshakes as the youths do, and then told them, they shamed them for wanting to go to parties instead of loving Jesus.

Speaker 2:
[137:08] And smoke cigarettes.

Speaker 3:
[137:09] And there's the gazebo where he found AIDS. There's a lot of stuff in there.

Speaker 1:
[137:12] Jesus Christ, I forgot about the AIDS thing.

Speaker 3:
[137:15] Never forget that Donald James Parker got AIDS.

Speaker 2:
[137:18] You can only forget it until you've seen it.

Speaker 1:
[137:20] Maybe that's why there's so much AI in this. He started with AIDS and then he just chopped off out of it.

Speaker 3:
[137:24] He just got rid of the D and the S.

Speaker 1:
[137:28] Well, because D and S are sexual letters. We need to be careful.

Speaker 2:
[137:31] Right, obviously, yeah.

Speaker 4:
[137:32] No.

Speaker 2:
[137:33] So, okay, so at this point though, as Trey is standing here listening to them sing this terrible fucking religious song and he keeps pretending to be over and not being over, he has a religious moment. This is where Donald James Parker gets, I'm going to say a little artsy.

Speaker 1:
[137:47] Oh yeah.

Speaker 4:
[137:49] You mean the jarring cut to black and white artsy?

Speaker 1:
[137:53] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[137:55] Back, he remembers back when his parents loved him for being religious. And so then now he feels the Holy Spirit again. There's a rainbow in the background. His mom is suddenly there.

Speaker 1:
[138:05] She just appears.

Speaker 2:
[138:07] Yes, she just happened to be there as well.

Speaker 1:
[138:08] Springs up out of the ground like warb and women. What, and the thing like you're leaving some parts out here. And I think the most important part is that they very clearly did not think this through. When they filmed this scene, they did not think it through at all.

Speaker 2:
[138:25] No.

Speaker 1:
[138:25] And so the audio quality was trash because it was really noisy around with the fountain next to them and all the other things. And also they didn't get the right shots for the thing and they had to figure out how to do it. And I know that that is true for three reasons. Number one, this whole scene is ADR. This whole scene is dubbed over in a way that matches absolutely nobody's lips movements.

Speaker 4:
[138:51] Oh no.

Speaker 1:
[138:53] And number two, because he fills in with AI, he takes a still shot of random people singing and then has AI make their mouths move and it looks horrific. It's terrifying. And it doesn't match the music at all. No. And then...

Speaker 4:
[139:11] He's got a musician who does the guitar song and everything and everybody, because of what they did, it looks like they're doing that thing where you pretend you know the lyrics but you come in late after a meat pie.

Speaker 2:
[139:22] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like South Park singing.

Speaker 1:
[139:26] And then the third and most telling part is that I don't know who the fuck edited this movie. Donald James Parker. But at random times, you just get like one second of the actual sound from this scene. And so it's like these people just like saying, Oh, Jesus, we don't... Jesus! It's like, why? I would have fixed it.

Speaker 2:
[139:52] I think honestly, he fucks with... I think he does that to fuck with me because he knows I've got really bad misophonia about that kind of shit. So, yeah, I think he's doing that to me.

Speaker 4:
[140:00] Amazing. Can we get the fucking fountain shut off of the...

Speaker 3:
[140:06] I think for our own benefit, we owe it to buy Donald the ISO repair kit for sound.

Speaker 2:
[140:10] Yeah, right.

Speaker 3:
[140:11] Hey, Donald, we still hate you, but...

Speaker 1:
[140:14] Get him a subscription to Adobe Audition, you know?

Speaker 3:
[140:18] Come on, don't you want to watch Jonathan Levine fix your sound?

Speaker 1:
[140:21] He's editing this in fucking iMovies or something.

Speaker 3:
[140:24] 100%, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[140:25] He's got KineMaster on his phone.

Speaker 3:
[140:27] How amazing would it be if he compiled his movies in Avid? He was just like, no, that's the original, baby. Me and Interstellar.

Speaker 1:
[140:34] I got my subscription to Cool Edit Pro from 2008.

Speaker 2:
[140:40] Just one step above Spider-Man Movie Maker, yeah. It's OK. So now the music part is over and he hugs his mom, right? Everybody hugs his mom now. And he's found Jesus because the movie is almost over.

Speaker 3:
[140:53] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[140:54] And he explains that Satan has been blinding me, but God penetrated his armor and he asks.

Speaker 1:
[141:00] Penetrated.

Speaker 3:
[141:01] Yeah, it's so deep.

Speaker 2:
[141:03] That guy, he likes the idea of Forrest, I mean Trey getting penetrated. And then he tells Julie that he doesn't, he knows she doesn't date, but he'd like to court her.

Speaker 1:
[141:15] Why did he make me such a fucking creep? I can't get around it. I just, he could, again, I made a whole video making fun of him. He could have just made a video making fun of me and it would have been chill. No, why did he make me such an unlovable fucking weirdo? Like what is that? He fucking based my character off of some cross between Seth Andrews and Elon Musk. And I don't know why, I was so nice to you, dude. I was so nice to you. Why?

Speaker 2:
[141:48] So OK, so then we get we get Tracy and Ben showing up for work. And Trey is now wearing a Jesus T-shirt, guys.

Speaker 1:
[141:56] He bought another T-shirt for the Lord.

Speaker 3:
[142:00] I love the idea that the first thing you would do upon converting to Christianity is buy a new shirt that you could wear every day.

Speaker 2:
[142:08] You want to get your merch, get some merch out of the way.

Speaker 1:
[142:10] I guess I love the Lord now. Better get on Amazon.

Speaker 2:
[142:13] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[142:13] Thanks, Daddy Bezos.

Speaker 2:
[142:15] And he's got to explain now to Tracy and Benji who work for him that like they're fired because he's not going to make atheist content anymore. And he's like, I don't know, maybe I'll make Christian stuff instead. And Benji goes, who's going to watch that garbage? And I'm like, indeed. Yes.

Speaker 4:
[142:30] I'll need to get a day job or, oh, no, I'm already hired by Fox News and the White House. I'm good to go.

Speaker 2:
[142:36] Yeah, right.

Speaker 1:
[142:37] He's going to absorb all 12 of Donald James Parker's fans. He's going to take them from him.

Speaker 2:
[142:42] Oh, no.

Speaker 1:
[142:43] And then he'll really make the big time when God Awful Movies makes fun of his stuff.

Speaker 3:
[142:48] That's right.

Speaker 1:
[142:49] Full circle.

Speaker 2:
[142:51] So he says he feels like he says he couldn't help doing it because he quote, feels the story had a quote feeling of liquid love being poured over him.

Speaker 1:
[143:01] That was the fourth time I wrote in all caps.

Speaker 2:
[143:04] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[143:04] My notes.

Speaker 2:
[143:06] That's a sentence that he thought of while he was thinking to you, Forrest. Apparently, he made a video apologizing to his subscribers for being an atheist this whole time, right? Leading away from God.

Speaker 1:
[143:18] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[143:19] Which is nice of him, I guess.

Speaker 3:
[143:22] Yeah. And Benji and the lady, they're disappointed, but they understand. They're kind of they're kind of aw shucks about it. They're like, oh, man, I guess, I guess my whole livelihood is destroyed. But, you know, you got to got to switch brands, got to move with the times. I understand lateralization. And I just I want to say for the record that if if you guys ever decide to find Jesus, I'll I'll come to your house and kill you.

Speaker 1:
[143:46] That's real friendship.

Speaker 3:
[143:47] I want you to know that from my heart.

Speaker 2:
[143:48] I think we're I think we're good, man. It's OK.

Speaker 3:
[143:51] So then suddenly, Heath, Heath, stop looking, stop looking at other directions. We use teleprompters, Heath. I know you need to look at my eyes right now.

Speaker 2:
[144:00] So then Julie shows up at his podcasting studio and she's like, yeah, I saw your video that you made. Apologize for being an atheist. I'm really proud of you. And she's, okay, so try to avoid Eli's eye contact. Maybe break my headphones. So yeah, but she says, hey, you know, I talked to my dad. Maybe you could help him make movies.

Speaker 1:
[144:27] Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:
[144:28] And science content for homeschoolers, Forrest. You could make science content.

Speaker 3:
[144:35] Really think about the fact that this man's fantasy ends with you and him dapping it up. Really think about that, Forrest.

Speaker 1:
[144:46] This strange, ancient man spent years making a movie about me dating his daughter in order to offer me a job. No, Donald.

Speaker 2:
[144:57] Helping him make his BS.

Speaker 1:
[144:59] No. What?

Speaker 3:
[145:03] Dude, you can't help him. He said thank you. He was like, I appreciate the offer. God damn it.

Speaker 2:
[145:09] Well, so what's truly amazing to me is that at the very, very end of it, you know, when they've decided to date and everything, him and Julie have decided they're going to date, she says, you know, would you like to go to church with me? He's like, can I bring my parents? And she says, I think it's perfectly normal and OK to bring your parents on a date. So that's part of the fantasy, too, man.

Speaker 1:
[145:28] Is this where everybody's mom or wife comes into this? Is it too cold?

Speaker 3:
[145:33] Whoever you want, man. It's an open boat over here. Pick a hole.

Speaker 1:
[145:38] It's not the only thing that's open.

Speaker 2:
[145:41] So Forrest, thank you so much for living through this weird, crazy trauma with us, man. We made it to the end.

Speaker 1:
[145:48] It was a bad time. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2:
[145:50] Yeah, you know, I appreciate your honesty. And that is going to do it for our review of Beauty and the Atheist. Of course, it's not going to do it for the episode just yet but we still need to spread the gospel of Atheism even further. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Speaker 3:
[146:03] As Satan plots to destroy the world, an archangel arrives to awaken an army of souls in the hopes of defeating the demon once and for all. We'll be watching what I believe to be the worst made movie we have ever watched on God Awful Movies. So we'll be watching The Keys of the Kingdom.

Speaker 2:
[146:28] Oh wow, that's such a big statement.

Speaker 1:
[146:30] That sounded cool as hell.

Speaker 3:
[146:32] Why couldn't I be in that movie?

Speaker 4:
[146:36] That entire thing isn't based on PTSD of an experience that I had to have with Donald James Parker.

Speaker 1:
[146:43] I got to be in the shitty podcaster Sex Offender Finds God movie? The next one is about sick ass demons? What?

Speaker 2:
[146:54] All right, well, with all the sick ass demons to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 553 to a Merciful Close. Once again, a huge thanks to Forrest Valkai for playing along with us today. Be sure to check the show notes for links to more of his stuff. It's genuinely great stuff. He covers a lot of the same ground that we do, but he does it in a much different way. Highly recommend it. Equally huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that help make the show go. If you'd like to help yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. God Awful and thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, D&D Minus and The Skepticrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinema suggestions, you can email godawfulmovies.gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick, Evil Giraffes on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath Enwright, Eli Bosnick, I'm Noah Lugeons. Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Clothes.

Speaker 4:
[147:51] Donald James Parker still refuses to play me in Pickleball because he is a coward.

Speaker 2:
[147:59] The whole GAM audience converted to Christianity. This is the one that did it, Gramps. Congratulations.

Speaker 1:
[148:05] It's all over now. I actually took some time and I worked really hard to summarize all of the arguments in this movie because there was a lot from Gramps, from Julie, we got a lot. I took the time and I synthesized them all together and I actually have this summary of everything that I just heard. That was the movie, y'all. Thank you so much for tuning in to God Awful Movies for this show.

Speaker 4:
[148:29] Christianity went on to...

Speaker 2:
[148:40] This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC, and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026, all rights reserved.