transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:03] You know, when we just tell our partners, oh, throw me against the wall, throw me against the bed, they want to please you, I would think. Sounds like you guys are in a good relationship, and it's getting, you know, a lot more serious. But understanding when and how to do something like that is something that we gotta learn. You're listening to Sex With Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In today's best of episode, we're talking about probably the most classic sex position, and that is missionary. Now, some of you might think it's basic or even boring, but I'm here to tell you that missionary can be incredibly hot, intimate, passionate, and even kinky. In addition to dispelling missionary myths, I'm also going to be answering your listener questions. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. All right, everyone enjoyed this episode. You know what gets in the way of great sex more than anything? Overthinking. It's that mental checklist, the distractions, the wait, what about the mess moment that pulls you right out of your body. And that's exactly why I love Common Confidential, because they've thought about the details so you don't have to. Their massage butter is so rich, so silky, and designed to keep you present in sensation. It melts into the skin in a way that just feels effortless. So touch because something you actually sink into not rush through. Then there are the love towels. They're super soft, absorbent, and right there when you need them. No scrambling, no awkward pause, no break in the mood. Because when those little interruptions disappear, your body can finally relax. And when you're relaxed, you're more connected, more responsive, and way more open to pleasure. So whether this is about deepening intimacy with a partner or reconnecting with your own body, this is your reminder that the best experiences happen when you stay in the moment. Get 15% off your order with My Code Sex With Emily at checkout on commonconfidential.com. That's Sex With Emily for 15% off at commonconfidential.com.

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[02:38] All right, so tell me what comes to mind when you think about the missionary sex position. I'll wait. What do you think about it? Maybe you think about, yeah, that's the go-to position. That's what we do all the time. Or maybe you think, yeah, it's kind of boring. Or maybe you picture that it's so intimate and it creates a really close connection with you and your partner. Maybe you think about your first time and it wasn't that great because, survey says, a lot of adults have moved on completely from missionary. By Dr. Evan Goldstein, he's also a guest on the show and he said, only 21 percent of gay and lesbian respondents and just under 27 percent of straight respondents said missionary is the position that turns them on the most, which means that for more than 73 percent of us, not such a turn on. For straight respondents, by the way, doggy style was the clear winner. Maybe it's because doggy style is primal and animalistic, but you know what, I'm going to tell you this. You can bring that energy to missionary too. That's what the show is about. So first, let's define missionary. Well, in this position, the penetrating partner is on top and the receiving partner is on the back and they're facing each other. That's basically what it is. So today, my goal is to get you to try to think differently about missionary, starting with what's so great about it. Okay, so first, here's what I think is great. You get to make eye contact with your partner. They're skin to skin contact. I think it's sexy. You can take it really slow, let the energy build, you can start making out, and I just think it's a really connected position. So when you're thinking about, I want to feel closer, I want more passionate sex or romantic, I think that missionary has all of that. Also, what I love about missionary, it's a great position to add toys because there's so many places you can stimulate from this position, and there's different kinds of toys. It could be a vibrator, it could be a penis ring, a butt plug. Don't forget about your anus just because you're a missionary. And vulva owners can experience double penetration. That's something that can happen. Now here's the other thing, clitoral stimulation. Use your hands. You can reach around and use your hands on your clitoris. Your partner can do that. You can reach around and grab your partner's ass. Try some rougher, like touching. You can even do some consensual domination, bonded. You can tie someone's arms back. You can use a spreader bar and you can spread their legs if they're on the bottom. I think a blindfold is great for most sexual scenarios because it heightens all your senses. So you're really feeling that connection even more. The other thing about missionary they like is that there's just more than one way to do it. You're not just lying there, looking at each other with your legs straight against each other. There's ways you can vary it. The bottom partner's legs can be pressed together instead of open. That has a few benefits. When you're pressing your legs together, you can stimulate your pelvic floor muscles, you can do your Kegel exercises. Remember, those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm and you can also squeeze against your partner's penis, which feels good for everybody. You could also try the coital alignment technique or the cat position, which I will talk about a little bit, but that has excellent clitoral stimulation. Oh, another option, one partner is standing up at the edge of the bed and the receiving partner is lying on their back with their pelvis lined up at the same height. This is awesome for deep penetration. Or both of you are lying down, a vulva owner can bend their legs back even to their ears. You know, if they're bendy, you do lots of yoga, which can create exactly the right angle to hit the G spot. One leg up, both legs up. I mean, there's so much to try. And also that's actually great for smaller penis owners. I get a lot of questions from you guys about penis size and the best positions. When the vulva owner's laying back with one or both legs over the penetrating part of shoulders, this way you can maximize penetration. You can lean into their legs or use their ankles for support or leverage. And for larger penis owners, keeping the vulva owner's legs down lets them use their thighs to control the thrusting. So you could also start by positioning your pelvis a couple inches lower than hers to avoid going too deep. So I'm going to get in some more of this shortly, but I'm a fan of a lot of the positions. You know what? I think that we can make any position really hot. I love missionary, but I understand there's a lot of misconceptions. You know, that it's boring or just the default sex position or that it's static. You can't change it up. There's nothing kinky about it at all. There's also the misconceptions, which are part of her vulva owners to orgasm. And if you've had this problem, I get it. You might be reluctant to give it another chance and it just might be your least favorite. But I've got some ideas that you probably haven't tried yet. So I'm going to dispel your missionary misconceptions and see if we can look at it differently. Let's start with the first one. The first misconception is that missionary is boring. And yes, for some couples, missionary can feel like it's just the default. So why do we make it more intentional instead? Because the stereotype that missionary is a passive position for a vulva owner, just because you're on the bottom doesn't mean you can't take responsibility for bringing the erotic energy. In fact, I think everyone should be bringing the erotic energy all the time. And listen, I don't think you should blame it on the position because you can take anything and make it exciting. Any sex act, I think, it's about being present. So vulva owners, I want you to prioritize your pleasure. I would say communication is a lubrication. Tell your partner what you want. In missionary, they have access to so many erogenous zones. All of them, your ears, your neck, your armpits and scalp are also erogenous zones too. It's how we figure out where all of our erogenous zones are. And of course, your mouth, it's like an old school makeout session to make it hot. I love making out during missionary. And here's a tip for penis owners or partners on top while you're up there, don't forget the biggest sex organ of all is the brain. So tell your partner how much they turn you on. Such a fun position to like talk dirty, whisper in each other's ears. And okay, to my Volvo owners, be collaborative. Now try moving your hips in a slow circle. Move in sync is your partner's thrusting so they can go deeper. You can use your hands or your partner's hands to stimulate your clitoris. You can use a toy. Use a pillow under your pelvis to change up the angle. What I'm saying is this is all about exploring and trying something new. If you've always just sort of lied there a missionary and thought, all right, this is my time just to lie back, just think, well, what would it feel like if I put a pillow underneath me or wrap my legs around my partner's neck, or I put one leg back and left one leg straight, or I just sort of grabbed my partner in different ways, or I stimulated myself. These are all the things that like, I'm not saying you have to do them all at once, but just get curious. What else might feel good in this position? Let me tell you about the cat technique. So this position is probably the best missionary position for clitoral stimulation. So how you do it is the valve owner is lying on their back, and when the penis owner enters, what they do is they scoot up a few inches higher than usual, right? So they're kind of a little bit over your head, and the vulva owner's body should be flat up against theirs. So what I want you to think of is think pelvis to pelvis rather than in and out, and the motion is an up and down rather than a side to side. So there's like a steady rocking up and down with a focus on where the clitoris hits the base of the penis. Get it? So I want you to take this slow because it's all about stimulating the clitoris, the pubic mound, which is also indirect stimulation to your G-spot. All these nerve endings are related. And so if you're going in and out, which is kind of our default for many of us, that's just not going to do the trick. So check out the Coital Alignment Technique. If you go to our website, we'll also put this in the show notes. We have a link to the Coital Alignment Technique sex position. Let's get into your question here. This is from Anna in North Carolina, and the cat might work for her. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm a fairly sexual person, but my sex drive is lower than my boyfriend's. I like experimenting and trying new positions, but since we started dating, we've settled into a pretty standard sexual routine. Me on top to missionary with me using my fingers on my clitoris. I'm aware that this routine you've settled into is largely because I don't initiate doing anything different. I love how connected we are to missionary because we can kiss and see each other's faces. It could also be hard for me to get off, especially if I'm not the one stimulating myself. And this position is where I can do that best. Plus, I've had partners in the past who've been very experimental with positions and those experiences most often didn't result in orgasm on my end. I think that all these factors caused me to choose a tried and true missionary position every time over any others. My boyfriend has requested trying other positions a few times and I usually do it with him, but I always end up steering back to missionary. The other night he asked if we could 69. And though I did want to try it, I actually haven't been able to get off from him going down on me. I even went as far as starting to go down on him, but I chickened out and rolled him on top of me to do missionary. How can I get past this mental block that keeps me from branching out and trying new positions? Alright, thank you so much for your email, Anna. Well, first up is recognizing that you have a block against this, which is huge. And I also want to say that our sex life is not a fixed state. My mission is to get everybody to constantly be exploring and opening up and seeing how we can expand our sexual repertoire. So just because you have an orgasm from oral yet or in these other positions with past partners or this partner doesn't mean it's not possible. And side note, I want to remind everybody that the goal of sex and excessive experimenting is not necessarily orgasm, it's about exploring, okay? Paying attention to what feels good and seeing like where you could get stimulated, then maybe you get to orgasm. So I want to know how much time you spend getting to know your own body and what feels good to you because I know there's a lot to be learned during masturbation practice, getting comfortable with yourself, and then showing what your partner likes is key. I think we got to share, bring our partners into our struggles because then you're not one person trying to solve your sex life and trying to fix it, trying to pretend. This is where performative sex starts to happen. We think that we should be doing something different than how we're feeling. Acting like you like it, although you're not doing that, you're shutting down the positions going back to missionary. But what I'm saying is, what if there's a middle ground here? You say to your partner, listen, I know I've sort of shut down positions lately, but I realize I haven't really tried that many positions, or I haven't had a luck in many positions finding what makes me feel good. So another thing that could be good for you too is some mutual masturbation. So he could learn what your hotspots are and what feels good to you. You could learn what feels good to him, and then maybe there you guys could figure out what positions would feel good, knowing now how you touch yourself and how you get really turned on. I want you both to have the goal of pleasure and wanting to be good lovers to each other. So slowing down and communicating your needs is key. So again, expansive sex, growing together over time, and then bring in some new positions to keep it interesting and hot, and we'll keep it from getting less rote and boring, which to be honest, happens with a lot of things in our life, our exercise routine, the things we're eating, our nightly routine, and the way we have sex. All right, Anna, let me know how it goes. Keep me posted. All right, we'll get right back to this, but I want to take a minute to talk about one of my all-time faves, the magic wand. You guys know I'm a huge advocate for prioritizing time for pleasure. I talk about it all the time, because I think it's such an important piece in our overall wellness, and tools like the magic wand make it much easier to actually practice that. And lately, I've been really into their waterproof version. It's cordless, fully submersible, and perfect for using in your shower as a time to just really reset and give yourself you time. Because let's be honest, most of us are moving through life so fast, our brains are 10 steps ahead of our bodies. So when you step into your warm bath or shower, bring the magic wand with you. You can start by using it on your shoulders, your neck, your lower back, and just let the tension melt away. And then you can let that relaxation evolve into pleasure without all that pressure. The water helps you slow down and reconnect with your body in a really grounded, full body way. So if you want to check Magic Wand out for yourself, head to shopsexwithemily.com/magicwand. That shopsexwithemily.com/magicwand or just click the link in the show notes.

Speaker 3:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 4:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[17:17] Let's get into our second misconception that there's nothing kinky about Missionary. Let's just be honest, the name doesn't do it any favors. But again, it's all a matter of mindset. Listen, if you want the primal energy of doggie style, let's just find a way to bring that into Missionary and combine the best of both worlds. All right, here is a question from Marka, 30 in Missouri. She writes, Dr. Emily, how do I tell my partner that I want to feel their desire? I want to hear things like, you need me so bad and bend me right over the kitchen table and rip my panties off or push me up against the wall and tell me you want to fuck me right now. I find the more serious our relationship gets, the less kinky my partner wants to be. We've been having missionary sex strictly at bedtime for a few months now, and I worry he'll be uncomfortable being as rough or outspoken as I want him to be with me. Sex is super important and I don't want to lose our excitement. All right, Marka, thank you so much for your email. I get it. You want him to bring a little bit more energy. You want him to be a little bit more dominant. Maybe you want him to talk dirty. You want him to learn a new skill set here, so he's not doing anything wrong at all. It's truly about showing him what you want, what you need. I think that this is the challenge with this, is he's super comfortable with you, you're comfortable with him, and then saying to someone, be dominant. You know, we just tell our partners, oh, throw me against the wall, throw me against the bed. They want to please you, I would think. Sounds like you guys are in a good relationship and it's getting, you know, a lot more serious, but understanding when and how to do something like that is something that we got to learn. What I would say is that you have a conversation with them outside the bedroom about your sex life. You know, using my three T's, timing, tone and turf. Turf is outside the bedroom, and timing is when you guys are hanging out, maybe it's your next date night, and your tone is light and curious, and you want to say to them, I really want to talk about our sex life. Start with a compliment sandwich, you could talk about all the things that you really like about it, and you've enjoyed going to bed together and having sex, and that you love how the relationship's getting more serious, and how you feel so much more closer to them, and then you could say, and I really, you know, want to keep the passion going in our sex life, and you can even say to them, I've never actually talked to someone about this, but it's really important to me to have a growth mindset around sex. And a growth mindset means that it's important for you to continue to have a sex life that is expanding and growing, and it's not fixed, right? There's a fixed versus growth. Fixed means that we're gonna keep doing the same things over and over again. You could say, I've adopted a growth mindset around sex, and I wanna make sure that we're on the same page with this. And again, it sounds to me like maybe this is new for you to have these conversations. I'm just gonna assume that you're like most of our listeners and most people on the planet that we don't talk about this stuff. So again, bringing your partner in and saying, I want to be great lovers to each other. I wanna keep this growing and passionate and hot. And then you could say, something that I think about is being dominated and that would look like you kind of grabbing me and telling me what you want me and, you know, bending me over the kitchen counter. And those are the things I think about. It would be really hot. Tell me how any of that lands with you. Now, I'm telling you, you might be like, well, what do you mean? I'm not good enough in bed. I want you guys to understand that it's the first time you talk to your partner about sex. And maybe it happens several times. You have to be prepared that your partner is going to feel like you are maybe attacking them, that they're doing something wrong, that they're not great lovers. I mean, all these things come up, because again, most of us don't talk about it. So you have to do your best to reassure him and say, no, this is just something that I'm working on too. We're in this together. I also want to know what turned you on. What are your fantasies? And listen, you could even just start with, I realize you've been together for a while now and we've never talked about our fantasies. I want to hear your fantasies. Tell me your top three fantasies. Here's my top three fantasies. We don't have to get all this out in one conversation. So just starting more basis, like it's important to me of a growth mindset, let's talk about our fantasies. And then you could lead into, I'd love it if you dominated me. And so then he can hear what you said. And again, you have to feel comfortable, like reassuring him and letting him know that this is something that you guys are in together. And he might not know what it means. We're going back to it's a skill set. Sure, he wants to please you, but you have to be like, I don't know what you mean. I've never done that before. Is it okay to be physical with you in that way? So this is where we use our tools. This is where I love porn. This is where I love you finding some clips, some audio, some video that kind of let him know what you are into and what that looks like. You can even show him. That might be hard if you dominated him for a minute and he knew what you liked. So that's the first thing is letting him know that's the energy that you want to bring to the table. And if you want to keep missionary hot, you could also have him dominate you during missionary. He could take your hands and you can tie him behind your head or just take your hands and push them back behind you so you can't grab him. He could also get a spreader bar, which is really cool that keeps your legs spread apart while you're having missionary. So get creative, maybe listen to this episode together and have some conversations, Marca, so you can get your needs met and make your sex life super hot because you deserve it. Let's get into your final misconception number three. A lot of vulva owners say they have a hard time getting off a missionary, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. Everything's possible. Really, it is. See, clitoral stimulation is super important, so the key is just figuring out how to work it in. And by the way, if you don't orgasm, nothing wrong with you. For some people, many people, missionary is great without the big orgasm, so I'm not suggesting you need to be fixed or anything's wrong with you, but if you're looking to hack missionary or change your experience, I am totally here for it. All right, this is from Cassandra29 in Ontario. She says, Is it true or false that if you can orgasm by stimulating your clitoris, that you cannot orgasm through penetration? I also have heard and I've read that there's no such thing as a G-spot. I'm 29 years old and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for seven years. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and I've slept with no other men other than my boyfriend. I'm not able to have an orgasm through penetration. I so badly want to have that sexual experience with my boyfriend, but it only seems I can feel pleasurable by stimulating my clitoris. Help me! Cassandra, you've come to the right place. I'm here to help. So let's just clear some things up right now. The majority of vulva owners can and will have an orgasm through their clitoris. That's how it happens, all right? It's clitoral stimulation and that is a type of orgasm that is the most common. The G-spot, which I just, I don't know how we say this doesn't exist and you know how I feel about the G-spot. It's kind of, I think it's more of a G area. I think it's really internal clitoral nerves, but there is an internal nerve that is called the G-spot. That's an area and it just takes a little bit more exploration. Now, let me tell you this, that if you could have a clitoral orgasm, that is amazing because for the majority of vulva owners to find their G-spot and to find that internal orgasm, it helps to already have a clitoral orgasm. Because then you're more aroused, the tissues become more engorged, the blood starts to flow. So what I recommend is maybe your partner goes down on you first, you use toys, fingers, mouth, and you have that first clitoral orgasm. Then you could try penetrative sex. Now, when you put his penis inside you, you might be able to have an orgasm because you're already aroused. Then you could start to relax and breathe, you can pump your pelvic floor muscles against his penis. That's how it might happen. Have you ever tried that? A lot of us just have our clitoral orgasm and we're done, or we assume that you just have an orgasm through penetration. But I want to remind you here that only 30 percent of vulva owners will have an orgasm during penetration. So it's very rare. Seventy percent will not unless they have extra clitoral stimulation with hands, a toy's mouth. I want you to experiment and see during masturbation or mutual masturbation, if you can find your G-spot, have a blended orgasm, which means that you're really just after you have a clitoral orgasm, then you have a G-spot orgasm, it can be blended. I think that they're often really related. Some of the vulva owners who do have an orgasm through penetration, it just has to do with the placement of their anatomy. It doesn't mean they were born under some special moon or anything. This is really just about figuring out your own body. We have a great squirting episode with Deborah Sundowell, and we get into this a lot about finding your G-spot. I want you just to prioritize your pleasure and take some initiative in talking to your partner and letting them know that this is a goal that you have, and you guys can work on it together. Again, it's so fun to bring your partner into these goals that you have sexually. Cat position might work for you too, the coil alignment technique that I talked about, but I just think the big thing here is your mindset. So I want you to flip it and know that it is possible for you to have orgasms in other ways. I get that the holy grail for so many of you is that like, oh, I want just penis to go in my vagina and then I have a screaming orgasm like I see in porn or like I've seen in movies. And I'm just gonna remind you here, and if I could do it every day on the show, which I probably do, I try to, that's just not realistic. That's not how real life goes. That's not how it works for most people. You're not seeing the warmup, you're not seeing the oral sex, you're not seeing the foreplay, you're not seeing the lube, you're not seeing all the things that went before that. And in fact, also just seeing a penis goes in vagina and someone starts having a screaming orgasm, again, only works for 30% of vulva owners, okay? So I want you to remember that. I want you to bring this into your relationship and start to work at understanding your body and how you can have more pleasure during parted sex. All right? Thanks for your question, Cassandra. I believe in you and you got this. Speaking of our G-spots, our nexus there has found hers. Yay, I love that. But she needs help incorporating her vibrator into missionary. All right, this is from Tori48 in Canada. She writes, Hi, Dr. Emily. I used to find it difficult to orgasm in my younger years. I basically needed a jackhammer to get off. I was thrilled to discover the Magic Wand, which was a game changer for me. I became brave enough to bring it up with my husband. I'm a people pleaser and concerned about hurting others' feelings, and I guess egos in this case. I finally got the courage to communicate that I need to incorporate a vibrator. The problem I need to solve today is that the Magic Wand is big and cumbersome in some of my favorite positions. For example, when I want to have an intense close embrace during missionary position, I have to ease my guy up and back onto his knees to fit my vibe into the mix. The pleasure of the vibe near his balls and shaft during doggy, my absolute favorite position, sometimes gets him off too soon. Is there a vibrator as strong and intense as the Magic Wand that is smaller and less awkward? PS. I finally taught myself to ejaculate, I found my G-spot years ago, but finally nailed how to bring her alive. Thank you so much for your question, Tori. Few things to unpack here. I totally get loving the Magic Wand. If you guys know what the Magic Wand is, it's been around for over 50 years. It is the mech truck of all vibrators. It used to just plug into the wall and then about, I don't know how many years ago they came out with the rechargeable Magic Wand so you don't have to be near an outlet. But now I've got some great news for you, Tori, that the Magic Wand just recently, I just got it a few weeks ago, came out in a mini version. That's right, there is a mini wand with the same power and half the size. I've solved your problem. I love this product. I was so excited when I got it, I screamed. I didn't know it was coming out. It was a whole thing. I've been busy, I wasn't paying attention. And there it was in my mail and I love it and I use it all the time now. It is amazing everyone. Check out the new mini Magic Wand. Why is a Magic Wand so great? It really does have this power that is unparalleled. That was one of the first in business. It's made from body state material. It's really easy to use too. You know, there's some toys that have like, you know, 15 patterns and 20 levels and all the things, which is really fun. But this toy just got a few levels, a few patterns, and it feels unbelievable and you're gonna love it. So Tori, thank you for your question. I appreciate you. The other thing I want to say is, I'm a people pleaser too. Any other people pleasers could totally relate to Tori's like being concerned about hurting your partner's feelings. And I want to challenge you right now, if you are that person and you're thinking, oh God, I could never do that and I'm a people pleaser. Well, I want to challenge you to be like Tori and to practice asking for what you want. Just one thing. Because I know we often believe that we are hurting our partner's egos, and maybe they're gonna leave us or they're gonna feel rejected. But what I want to say is, if you're not asking for what you want, and you're not letting your partner know that you need something else, well, essentially what you're doing is you're choosing their satisfaction and their pleasure over your own. You're essentially saying, my pleasure doesn't matter as much as my partner's ego or protecting my partner. Do you think that your partner would actually want that for you? Would they want you to not be having as much pleasure so they would feel better? I hope they would not want that and they would fully support your pleasure. Like I said, I am a people pleaser. I think it doesn't ever go away, but it's something that I work on and I definitely had to work on this in the bedroom myself. Once you start to do it, you realize that A, it gets easier and B, it becomes a conversation that you start to have with your partner and you enjoy it. You start to expand upon it and you're like, well, this is what I used to like last month or last year, but let's try something new. It's a great way to have a really healthy, ongoing conversation with your partner about your sex life. Let me just say this, there are some other toys besides using the Magic Wand. We've made something called the Chorus and it's a wearable vibrator. They were the first ones to make wearable vibrators. It's shaped like a C and you could actually wear that during penetration, where the internal part cups around your vulva. There's a part that's inside that's stimulating your g-spot, and there's another part that goes over your clitoris, and then your partner's penis goes inside of you. That's a fun one you can play with too. All right, there you go. That's it. That's our episode of Making Missionary Hot. I hope you learned a lot and try it out. Let me know how it goes. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex With Emily. And if you love this show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook and X, it's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.