transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:00] We truly believe that what is happening in marriages right now is bigger than any one couple. And if you've ever felt that pull to step in and help, we want to invite you into something new. The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Certified Coaching Program is now open, and it's designed to equip you with skills, tools, and a clear framework to guide couples toward their own extraordinary marriage. Learn more today at oneextraordinarymarriage.com/cert. That's oneextraordinarymarriage.com/c-e-r-t.
Speaker 2:
[00:33] From Estero, Florida, this is a ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show. Where being busy is overdone, romancing is fun, and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy, I'm Tony DiLorenzo, your co-host, along with my beautiful wife, Alisa. From coast to coast and around the world, thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. Give us a call or text us on the Hug Hotline at 858-875-875-663, or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about why your marriage feels more connected when you get away, and what it's going to take to bring that connection into everyday life.
Speaker 1:
[01:17] There's a quote from JM Laurence that says, it's not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters. I think as we talk about this connection and the everyday, it really is about the who and not the what. We're going to be digging into that in today's episode. But we start every episode with a hug. A hug is really our opportunity to celebrate you, to celebrate the transformations that you have and that you actually create in your marriage. This hug comes from a five-star review that was on iTunes that said, this practically saved my relationship. Thank you. That was the title. Stumbled upon this podcast when my relationship got turbulent. I never realized how much room we had to grow with all six pillars of intimacy. But Tony and Alisa are a wealth of knowledge and make tough topics fun or at least easier to talk about. I wouldn't have the loving, supportive, wonderful relationship with my gorgeous woman without them. Highly, highly recommend you take a listen.
Speaker 2:
[02:15] Oh, man. I love that.
Speaker 1:
[02:18] That's incredible and even when I hear that, loving, supportive, wonderful relationship with my gorgeous woman, I think about all of the effort that goes in to change that mindset if you're coming out of a place where things have been turbulent. And we're honored to walk alongside of you, but more importantly to celebrate the work that it took to create that mindset shift in your marriage. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[02:42] Love it.
Speaker 1:
[02:43] As Tony said at the very top of this episode, we're talking about everyday connection and why your marriage feels more connected when you're on vacation. I just want you to think about that, like the everyday life versus the vacation life.
Speaker 2:
[02:56] Or the getaway life.
Speaker 1:
[02:57] Or the getaway.
Speaker 2:
[02:58] Because I just want to say, a one night, two night away, it may not be a vacation, quote unquote, wouldn't be considered a vacation.
Speaker 1:
[03:06] Sure.
Speaker 2:
[03:06] But it sure in the heck is a getaway.
Speaker 1:
[03:08] 100 percent.
Speaker 2:
[03:09] And it can change just the atmosphere of what you're in.
Speaker 1:
[03:13] Right. And it's thinking about the spouse that shows up on that vacation or the getaway. How you show up maybe versus how the two of you are the other 50, 51 weeks out of the year. Right. You know, we've spent, many of you that have been listening to us for quite a while, you know that we've spent a lot of time traveling lately. And while our travel has really been about bringing the 6 Pillars all over, specifically the 6 Pillars at Sea Marriage Getaway Cruise, that was a vacation, a getaway for all of those couples. And so we see different dynamics. Tony and I were fabulous people watchers.
Speaker 2:
[03:52] We're observant.
Speaker 1:
[03:53] Yes. And a cruise ship is, when you've got 4,500 people on a cruise ship, there's a lot of people to watch. But it's also, I spend a lot of time in coaching sessions with couples and I hear about the vacation spouse phenomena. And I hear about the re-entry. And I know you all know what I'm talking about because there have just been so many people over the years that have brought this to our attention. And so recently on Instagram stories, we asked the question, does your marriage, when you're on vacation, does your marriage feel more connected, about the same, or less connected?
Speaker 2:
[04:31] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[04:31] Eighty-one percent of the respondents said, we feel more connected on vacation, which I was actually a little surprised it wasn't higher, to be very honest, because when you think about vacation, what are some of the things you think about? Well, I thought the way you put your head down, I thought you were actually going to give me some answers.
Speaker 2:
[04:50] Oh, well, the 81 percent, no, I just wanted to go to that real quick.
Speaker 1:
[04:53] Sure.
Speaker 2:
[04:54] Because being on a ship specifically, I could see where that is at that number, because you and I are very observant, and there are, I'm not going to say a lot, but there's a good number of couples that you see arguing, and you see the tension. Here we are on a ship, having a good time, and we're putting on an event, so we're doing work as well as some play.
Speaker 1:
[05:22] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[05:23] But most people are on that ship to go play, have fun.
Speaker 1:
[05:26] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[05:27] They're on a, they saved up, they traveled.
Speaker 1:
[05:30] Sure.
Speaker 2:
[05:30] Getting into the Port of Miami is not easy. It takes a lot of time. And then, so I could see that being at 81 percent, or even traveling anywhere else. We've gone to resorts in Cancun, we've gone to the islands, we've been different places, and there is tension.
Speaker 1:
[05:48] Yeah. You can have those moments when you feel disconnected.
Speaker 2:
[05:51] Now, because when you think about vacation, what comes to mind? Yes. Now, I'm thinking, you're not working.
Speaker 1:
[05:56] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[05:58] If it is just a couple's vacation and you have children, but you've left them behind, it's just you and me, which is wonderful.
Speaker 1:
[06:07] You get things like that. There's more time together. You get the opportunity to try new things. Likely, you're more relaxed or if you're not more relaxed, because you're doing things, you're doing different things. Your schedule is different than if you were at home.
Speaker 2:
[06:20] Okay. We hear a lot of people, though, who come back from vacation more exhausted than had they been home because they run hard.
Speaker 1:
[06:30] They do run hard.
Speaker 2:
[06:31] Like they experience and explore and do everything. So that one, I could understand you.
Speaker 1:
[06:37] It could go either way.
Speaker 2:
[06:38] It could go either way. It depends on the type of person you are too. Because if you are a type A go, go, go, typically vacation isn't different than everyday life at home. You're still go, go, go in a different way.
Speaker 1:
[06:51] Right.
Speaker 2:
[06:51] In a different direction.
Speaker 1:
[06:52] Well, and it was really interesting because some of the comments that we got just on, what does that look like? Some of the quotes were, it feels like we're dating again or just we have this undivided time together. A lot of people even said, there's actually more opportunities and more sexual intimacy.
Speaker 2:
[07:08] Sure.
Speaker 1:
[07:09] Which, so you have these-
Speaker 2:
[07:11] As long as kiddos aren't in the same room with you.
Speaker 1:
[07:15] It's a challenge to overcome.
Speaker 2:
[07:16] Yes, that is. Shower sex.
Speaker 1:
[07:18] Yeah, I was going to say, I remember all those years ago in Las Vegas, in the shower, we locked the door.
Speaker 2:
[07:23] Cabo, when we went to Cabo a couple of times with the kiddos.
Speaker 1:
[07:27] Yes, just lock the bathroom door.
Speaker 2:
[07:29] Shower sex, yep.
Speaker 1:
[07:31] But it creates this different tension, because if you are in this place where vacation is all like, we're dating and it's good and all this kind of stuff, and then you come home from vacation and you're into stress, and responsibilities, and distractions. So you get into this place where you can start to associate, well, our connection is going to come when we can slow down, when we're getting away, when we're in this different environment, and not so much in this place of connection happens in the normal, in the everyday. And I've seen this where it's like, well, I'm just looking forward to the next vacation with my spouse. That's when we're going to have time together. Couples will use the vacation planner and they'll talk about their sexual intimacy and things like that, and here's how we're going to be intentional. But what happens when the every day, and as one person even said, what happens when normal isn't special? There was actually a quote as somebody just responding to these vacation situations, and somebody actually said, normal isn't special. And then you start to extrapolate that and go, well, if that is the mindset, then are we just muddling through the everyday? Is it something where a connection is just about when we travel and that's where we're looking at? Or we have to wait for that kind of undivided time and that sexual intimacy that's going to be amazing. And so we just stay in this place of the everyday routines and logistics and schedules and responsibility.
Speaker 2:
[09:13] I hear you. And yet there's no way in a marriage that we're going to live special always. Like normal isn't special. I get that and I hear what that's saying. And yet many a days you and I are living our normal lives. Is it extraordinary? Yes. Because we are intentional and we take action on our six pillars of intimacy. And that's what makes it special. And yet the day to day is normal. It's part of life. I couldn't travel every day of the year and then think it's special, because then that becomes normal. And so I think that's a lot of sometimes the tension we feel in marriages. We plateau, we become roommates, we feel like we're just doing the same things over and over. So it becomes normalized. But are we really paying attention to our 6 Pillars of Intimacy and looking at them and going, how are we close and connected in them?
Speaker 1:
[10:17] Well, and I think you've inadvertently proved the point that when we're on vacation, we, and I'm using we as like the one family, royal we, we do spend more time looking at the 6 Pillars. Maybe not like, oh, today we're focusing on emotional intimacy and tomorrow is going to be recreational intimacy. But there are those conversations. There is the physical intimacy through the handholding, or we're just like strolling through someplace. There's the recreational intimacy like, hey, what adventure are we going to go on or where are we going to explore? Or what are we going to see? There is capacity for sexual intimacy. So I don't think it's this like, like necessarily, hey, we're going on a vacation or we're going on our getaway, and we're going to hit all 6 Pillars of intimacy. But I think when you are removed from the everyday, and I think this ties into where we're going to go as far as talking about what to do, you put more emphasis on them. But when we come back into the everyday, and we all do it because like you said, none of us are permanently on vacation, even retirees are not permanently on vacation. Like life is still lifing on a regular basis. Like you have your rhythms.
Speaker 2:
[11:30] We did meet people who were like on their sixth cruise by the time we started cruising in March.
Speaker 1:
[11:36] But even then, cruise life becomes normal. And so it's not actually like anything you do over and over again becomes normal. But we step into this place of saying, if we, and we all do this, if we are living in the normal on a day to day, what can we do to make it special? How do we say, yes, this is normal. This is normal. And yet, how do we make the extraordinary?
Speaker 2:
[12:03] In that normal.
Speaker 1:
[12:04] In the normal, we're going to talk about that after this break.
Speaker 3:
[12:09] At DSW, we ask the important questions. Like, what shoes are you going to wear? Whether you're prepping for wedding season, festival season, or just planning the ultimate vacay, the right shoes can make or break an RSVP. So own the moment. You've got big plans and we've got just the shoes, at the perfect price, of course. Get ready to get ready with Designer Shoe Warehouse. Head to your DSW store or dsw.com today and let us surprise you.
Speaker 4:
[12:39] Wishing you could be there live for the big game, soaking up the atmosphere in the crowd. But too often, life gets busy or the price holds you back. Priceline is here to help you make it happen. With millions of deals on flights, hotels, and rental cars, you can go see the game live. Don't just dream about the trip, book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit priceline.com. Actual prices may vary. Limited time offer.
Speaker 1:
[13:08] So we're back. And we've been having this conversation about, you know, vacation spouse or vacation marriage and every day, and what's normal, and how do we make normal special? Because, you know, whether you go on vacation a couple times a year, whether you take vacation once a year, maybe every other year, you know the difference that happens when the two of you are away together. I'm going to focus, as we're talking about this, strictly on that vacation dynamic, because if you have children, vacation is a trip. It's not actually like taking a break.
Speaker 2:
[13:42] Oh, there's a lot of work when you are going with your children.
Speaker 1:
[13:47] And I don't care how old they are, because even with our adult children, when we travel with them, it's like, I can't fully disconnect from mom mode, even though they're in their 20s, right? But you're coming to this place of saying, okay, how do we make, what do we bring from that vacation self, that vacation time, what we really enjoy about our connection on vacation? How do we bring that into everyday life so that we're not in this place where the everyday is actually hurting our marriage, but we're enhancing who we are as individuals and as a couple on everyday. So it's not going to be full vacation mode, but it is this place of extraordinary. It is this place of saying, okay, well, first we probably need to talk about who are we on vacation? What changes in our relationship when we're away? What's different about us and our connection when we're on vacation? Get specific. Are the two of you more intentional? Are you more present? Do the phones get locked away? Because who needs a phone on a cruise ship? Who needs your phone when you're scuba diving? Because you're going to be under the water and you're not taking your phone. You think about those times where it's like, maybe it's not about the phone, maybe it's about the conversations, maybe it's people watching on the cruise ship. What do we do differently when we're on vacation? And once you start to capture that vision, now you can do something to bring it back into the everyday, right? And let's not be in this place where we're just living for another vacation, waiting for life to slow down, waiting for our schedules to be less full or fewer responsibilities, or the kids to grow up, or all of this kind of stuff. But getting into a place of say, hold on, I don't know how many times you all have heard Tony say, be intentional and take action. If there was some AI way to know how many times he has said that over the last 16 years that could actually mine that information, I have to think it's probably hundreds of thousands of times that he has said that.
Speaker 2:
[15:59] I don't know if it's hundreds of thousands.
Speaker 1:
[16:00] Well, you say it a couple of times in every episode, so we're probably tens of thousands.
Speaker 2:
[16:04] All right, there we go.
Speaker 1:
[16:05] But thinking about, you have to choose connection. We have to choose connection, Tony and I do. It doesn't just happen, because all of the other stuff that hits you when you come back from vacation, it's going to hit you. So are you choosing connection when you have all of that other stuff going on, or are you waiting till some special moment when you hope it's going to happen instead of just saying, you know what, we're going to carve out some time in this.
Speaker 2:
[16:33] I'll tell you, you could live your vacation life right at home, and you can turn that everyday life into a place where you're like, this is fun, and yet you are going to have to look at things differently. You're going to have to look at the life that you are living right now, and are you willing to get radical, and to go, could we slow down? Could we take some things off of our plate, so that we aren't so rushed from one thing to the next? That's one thing, man. I continue to hear from couples, and we push back on it. Because, and I want to remind everybody, there was a point in time when Alisa and I had younger children, we were running a lot of stuff, we were saying yes to everything, and we got to a point where life needed to slow down. And it was tough. But we were willing to make the tough calls to live differently than everybody else. And we started saying no. And the things that were on our plate that we thought were so important, we began to take off of our plate. Because we knew the life that we wanted here at home had to change, it had to be more like that getaway life. And I'm gonna say it is tough. And for those of us who are people pleasers and we want people to pat us on the back and, oh, add a boy and add a girl, you did so amazing. When you don't get those accolades, it can feel like I want more of that. But with that being away from us and the attention away from that, how do we get close and connected to our spouse? How do we create that recreational intimacy moments where we would be running around this place, that place, doing this and the other, that we actually just get to sit on the floor and have a dinner or dance together, play some games, do something different, so we're not running 300 different ways? I know it's tough, but I'm reading more and more articles of people who are saying, couples who are saying, it was probably a bad idea that I had my kid in three different sports all at the same time, all year round. Because the kids are getting run around, stressed out, and so are the parents, and so is your marriage.
Speaker 1:
[18:56] Yeah. And it's coming back to this idea that normal doesn't necessarily have to be special, but it can be extraordinary. Like, what is the extra? Because think about that word for just a second. What is the extra that you are doing in your marriage? Because if you just say normal is ordinary, sure. That's basically saying normal is not special. It's just ordinary. But you're listening to a podcast entitled ONE Extraordinary Marriage. What's the extra that you and your spouse are going to choose to do? I remember there's a couple on the cruise and they've actually traveled with us a couple of times. And they have one night a week. They turn off everything. They are reading books together. They are spending time together. And it is a non-negotiable. Like nothing.
Speaker 2:
[19:53] Every Tuesday night.
Speaker 1:
[19:54] Trumps that day. And that is their day that if, I'm sure if I were to ask them right now as part of this podcast, is that a special day for you? 100% they would say yes. And it happens 52 weeks out of the year.
Speaker 2:
[20:06] Yep. They make that happen. And it is, we've seen their marriage change year over year in the marriage getaways that they've come on. And it's special. And when they talk about that, and she shares about it, you can see the impact it's had on them. The tears well up. I mean, that's how emotional she is. And it's even like sometimes the husband will be like, somebody needs help. And she was just telling some story about it. And he's like, do we, and she's like, it was an extreme situation. But they had made this day so special in their everyday life, that he was like, do we go help? And I chuckle because that's what can happen. When you-
Speaker 1:
[20:59] That's the extra.
Speaker 2:
[21:00] That's the extra. Yes, that's the extra.
Speaker 1:
[21:02] That's the extra. And some of you are going to need to think through, as you were having that conversation, just even talking about like, who are we on vacation and how do we show up? Then it's going, okay, well, what is one of those vacation habits that is really important to us? Do we have breakfast every morning together on vacation? And so maybe we can't do that seven days a week when we're back home, but one day a week, maybe on a weekend, we are going to make time where it's going to be like room service, and we're going to have a tray, and we're going to have the coffee and the fruit, and the pastries, and that's going to be our vacation habit. Are we going to go and people watch together? Because Tony talks about us being on the cruise, or if you're sitting on a beach somewhere, and you're watching everybody walk up and down the beach. Maybe you don't live near the beach, but there is somewhere else where you could watch people. Or you're going to-
Speaker 2:
[21:56] Oh, jeez. People watching anywhere is wonderful. I mean, I remember back in the day when we used to go to the national parks. We were young marrieds watching people, and we didn't have any idea. I mean, we were young, very inexperienced in our marriage, but it was always fun to watch people. I remember one time being in Yosemite.
Speaker 1:
[22:17] Oh, boy.
Speaker 2:
[22:21] We were in the valley.
Speaker 1:
[22:23] Was that when I was sick?
Speaker 2:
[22:24] Yeah, when you got sick that one trip, and then we got into the valley. That one woman and her daughter allowed us to sleep in their cabin. Yes, literally, guarding the angels. I don't know if I would do that today, but back then when we were young, we needed somewhere.
Speaker 1:
[22:37] That was almost 30 years ago.
Speaker 2:
[22:38] I know. Anyways, I remember sitting there on the patio of that cabin and there was a husband and wife. They were English because I remember their accent. There was a black bear walking down.
Speaker 1:
[22:52] They were feeding the bear.
Speaker 2:
[22:53] Feeding it or very close to it, taking pictures of it, and I'm like, you two are going to get mauled. But it's fun to put people watch in so many different places. You can go to Disneyland.
Speaker 1:
[23:04] We spend a lot of time in airports. People watching an airport, epic.
Speaker 2:
[23:09] It's just fun. I'm sure people are watching us too at times. They're like, what are those two doing? Because Alisa and I can get intense even on vacations or travel, just like any of you.
Speaker 1:
[23:19] We're not perfect.
Speaker 2:
[23:21] Things don't go as planned, flights get delayed, canceled, whatever may happen. We are not the perfect couple when we travel. There are moments and I'm sure people are looking at us going like, oh, that's a heated discussion going on over there. And then we could probably turn around and be like, hey, you know what? We have a top rated marriage podcast. They'd probably be like, oh, really? Do you?
Speaker 1:
[23:42] I'm going to listen. I wonder what you all are talking about. But maybe it's even just having conversations around what sexual intimacy looks like while you're on vacation. And how do you, you know, do you need tropical noises coming out of your sound machine? Do you need a background of the wind in the trees or something like that? Think through those things and then go, what could we bring into this week? What could we bring into what we do the other weeks that we're not on a getaway or on a vacation? And I think it's so important to really think through this. It's not that vacations are super special in terms of creating connection. It's that vacations, that time away, that time when you're in a different environment, really do show you what's possible. This glimpse into what's possible. And then it's up to you and I to say, how do we build a marriage around those possibilities? How do we build a marriage where that isn't something that we live for, but that's something that we've created? That's the extra. It's what you choose to create in the everyday moments, not just wishing for the once a year moments.
Speaker 2:
[25:00] Yeah. And you know what? If you're in a spot in your marriage where you're like, man, we're doing this, Tony and Alisa, and you want to help couples rebuild their marriage so that they can have an extraordinary marriage, I want to share, and Alisa and I both want to share with you, we can't do it alone. And so we'd love to invite you to become a 6 Pillars of Intimacy Certified Coach. Go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com/cert, that's C-E-R-T, oneextraordinarymarriage.com/cert, and book a free discovery call. We'd love to share with you what we're doing here. Because what we learn and what we are learning is that we can't do it alone. There are people in your community who need your help, because you are close and connected. You are putting the six pillars of intimacy into practice. You don't need to be perfect, but you need to be willing to step out to see others have extraordinary marriage. So if that's you, again, go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com/cert, book a free discovery call. We'd love to talk to you about that. As you step in this week and you look at this, and I know this is at that time frame where many of you are starting to ramp up for some sort of getaway, a vacation, whatever it may be, just begin to think about it, though. What are we doing when we do getaway that we can take from that time, bring it back home, and so the normal isn't just the same thing. Let's create that extraordinary at home where we are close and connected in our 6 Pillars of Intimacy in different ways. So go out there this week, enjoy yourselves. For those of you that are planning your vacations and getaways, have an amazing time. Really, put this to practice now. Put these Pillars to practice now. So when you do get away, you're not the couple who's arguing at one another, but you're loving on one another. You guys have yourselves a fantastic week. We'll catch you next week. Love you guys.