transcript

Speaker 1:
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Speaker 1:
[01:43] Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I'm going to be talking about an issue that comes up very often in my world. It even occurred in my own family. It's the situation where our child seems to reject one of us as parents, if there are two parents, and prefer the other one. This could become a conundrum for both parents, but especially the one that's feeling rejected, right? There are some really understandable reasons why children do this. And the way to help a child pass through this kind of behavior is actually much simpler than we might imagine. Like everything I share, it's a mindset. It's an understanding of what's actually going on here. And this parent who wrote to me actually phrased it that way, that to feel better, they wanted to understand what was going on. So I'm excited to get into this topic today. And here's the email I received. Hello, Janet. I've been a fan of your podcast for years. I'm sort of an early childhood nerd and listened frequently even before I had a child. But now I have one and I have a question. You must receive thousands of questions and I understand if there won't be space for this in the podcast, but I haven't heard you talk about this and thought others might be dealing with this issue as well. My husband and I have a 21-month-old whom we both adore. He works outside of the home and I work part-time from home, but spend most of my days caring for our daughter. I love her so much and feel privileged to spend this time with her. The difficulty I'm having is with my daughter's apparent preference for my husband in certain situations. He's usually the one to wake up with her, so they have that time together before he has to go to work. And when I wake up and come downstairs, for example, she often greets me with, Momma no hug dada. Or if he's taking our dog out for a walk and our daughter's going with, Momma no come with. This type of request can happen throughout the day, anytime my husband and I are both home with her. In addition to these preferences for him during his transition to work in the morning, she also sometimes seems to prefer him when she needs comfort, either due to an accident, such as bumping against the wall and falling over while playing, or when she wakes up in the middle of the night while sick, or at the doctor's office when she has to get a shot. Sometimes she will also insist that he be the one to wash her face after dinner, or put her to bed, or to read a story. My daughter and I have a lovely relationship when he's not around. I adore her and she takes comfort in me, and evidently enjoys my presence and loves me. But I'm triggered when she expresses preference for him in these ways. I get jealous and resentful of him, and feel sadness and sometimes even anger toward my daughter. It feels as if I'm being rejected when I'm the one who's with her all day, putting so much energy into her care. It makes me feel that I'm insufficient as a parent. I know some of these behaviors may be due to the fact that she has less time with my husband than she does with me, and so she feels possessive and wants to soak up all the time with him that she does have. My husband is aware of my feelings and does what he can to demonstrate to her that we're all a family and that we can enjoy time, quote, all together. He wants to help, but we both feel stuck. How can we handle these moments? Is it best to just ignore my daughter's requests when she asks that I not be involved in their time together? Do I hug Dada even when she tells me not to, or go on walks with them and the dog even when she asks that I don't? Do we try and talk to her about how it's okay for either mommy or daddy to wipe her face, put her to bed, read her stories? Or do I need to just suck it up and learn to deal with my own feelings of being rejected? I feel really sad about all of this. Can you help me understand what might be going on with my daughter that leads to this behavior? I feel that if I could understand better, it might hurt less when she says she wants her daddy instead of me. So, yes, this is such a heartfelt note. And as with all the notes I receive, I so appreciate the candidness, the vulnerability, and that this parent is an early childhood nerd because of course that's an interest that we both share. So as I said before, this is an issue that comes up very, very often, maybe more often than we might imagine. So please know, if you're going through this, you're definitely not the only one. And there are three main reasons that children do this. The first is pretty much true in all cases. And that is that our child, for whatever reason, is just going through a phase of wanting to bond with that certain parent. They're in bonding mode. They're kind of a little bit in love with that parent right now, which doesn't mean they don't love the other parent just as much, but they're just feeling that need to soak up the attention of that parent that they seem to preference. And it can be, as in this case, that that parent isn't around as much. And so it's a little more exciting or interesting to be with them. But it can also be the opposite. Sometimes they're used to the parent that's always with them, and they've gotten more comfortable that way. And so they prefer that parent. So it can go either way. But regardless, it's this innocent phase that our child's in that's not reflective of the deep feelings that they have for the parent that they seem to be rejecting. And what I want to keep going back to with this parent is this part right here, because I really want them to hold onto this and play this on a tape for themselves over and over again in their minds. Remind themselves of this constantly. My daughter and I have a lovely relationship when he is not around. I adore her and she takes comfort in me and evidently enjoys my presence and loves me. That's it right there. It's the truth. That's all we need to know. So I really urge this parent and any parent to hold on to that experience of the bond they have with their child and know that nothing that happens can threaten that bond. At the same time, it's totally understandable to have our feelings hurt, especially when it's a child this young, only 21 months old who seems to reject us and want the other parent more. Of course, we're going to have feelings about that. In this parent's case, they say, I'm triggered when she expresses preference for him in these ways. So, when we know we're getting triggered and we're getting jealous, the truth is, if we looked at the whole picture, we could see, but wait, my child has a really nice time with me when it's just us there. I know they love me. I feel it. We can feel it when our child loves us and depends on us. And this is the parent that's caring for them all day. Of course, their child is comfortable with them, or their child would be having a really hard time generally, right? If the person they were with all day, if they didn't feel bonded to that person, still this parent says they're triggered. So that's one thing to look at, not to feel that we shouldn't feel that way, and we should suck it up, and there's something wrong with us for feeling that way. It's just something to look at when we realize we're triggered. That's such a wonderful insight to have, because that's telling us, hey, this is about something that's getting touched off in me. This is not reality, right? In terms of what my child actually feels. This is getting touched off, and again, it's natural for it to get touched off when we're getting rejected by a 21-month-old. What the heck's going on with that? Our 21-month-old is bonding with that other parent right now. They're falling in love mode with that parent, and we're getting left in the dust. So again, it's valid to feel that way, but it's something to look at, because when we're triggered, we're taking it to a personal level that's about our past and our history and the experiences and feelings that we have. It's not based on the situation. Anyway, just getting back to these three reasons. The first reason is that, yes, it's a phase a lot of children go through where they have this gift of having two parents, and they want to bond with both of them. And one of them they kind of feel more comfortable with. And as we do when we feel comfortable with somebody we love, we kind of take them for granted, and we know they're always going to be there or whatever. And this other one is exciting, and we kind of feel possessive of the time we have with them. So that's what happens when children have this behavior, but then being triggered by it, that's the second reason that this tends to persist, or sometimes seem to get more intense, more difficult, because our child on some level senses that we are uncomfortable, we're triggered. As a child, I'm saying this certain thing, I'm saying I want to be with daddy more, and now mommy's sad or uncomfortable or jealous or angry or all these vibes that I'm picking up from them. What's up with that? Unconsciously, children get stuck in that because they need to understand, whoa, what's going on here? I need to figure this out. It's this insatiable desire for learning that children have. Really, really healthy. Like all of this is healthy, actually. The parent understanding their response is healthy. So this parent says I get jealous and resentful of him and feel sadness and sometimes even anger toward my daughter. Yes, these sound like old tapes, and that's what happens when we take things, anything our child does, so personally. That's something to look into. Where did I feel this rejection? Why am I threatened by this? Why is it hard for me to trust that relationship I know I have with my child? Because they're doing these immature, impolite, thoughtless things, telling me no, no, no, they only want to be with dad. It's not the way we as adults would treat each other. It's not the sensitivity we would have with each other. But that's children. They're kind of impetuous and tactless that way. So putting this into perspective. So the second reason is the hard time that the parent who feels rejected has with this behavior and how the child senses this, always. I mean, they sense everything we're feeling, unfortunately. They have this theory of mind that they develop as infants even. And it's incredible, right? But they're always trying to figure out what's up with us, even when they're also involved in their own bonding with this other parent. So knowing the part that we're playing in this can help us to understand what to do. And I'm going to get to that, believe me, in a minute. But now the third reason, and this is also important when we're going to be talking about how to handle this behavior, the third reason is that the other parent who's getting preferred is often having a hard time for whatever reason. In this case, it may be a little bit of guilt that I'm the one that goes off to work. Or it may just be, I can't stand to see my child upset. Whereas the parent that's with the child all the time gets used to, they're upset a lot of the time and they get better. But the parent who's not around as much, or sometimes it is the parent that's around as much and is just too sensitive to that, has not normalized that for themselves, that their child is going to be venting a lot of uncomfortable feelings throughout the day, especially at this age, in these toddler years. They're going to go up and down and up and down, and they need to. But that can be difficult for a lot of us. I mean, that's kind of the reason I have a podcast called Unruffled, because it's so hard to feel okay when our child is not feeling okay, and to know that they need to pass through all of these feelings and get to the other side. That's how they build resilience. That's how they deal with life, because life is up and down, up and down. And yes, they do learn how to manage it better as they get older. But it's the same feeling as underneath, that we can help them with right now. And help ourselves to know that we're not about parent when our child is upset, even if it seems like we're causing it. To trust ourselves and know that they're bringing feelings also into every situation. Sometimes feelings that they really need to express that are about other things that have nothing to do with that specific moment. Like in this case, it's about how much control do I have? And it's not comfortable to feel like I have too much control as a 21-month-old. That I can insist that you don't kiss them and you don't hug them and you don't come with me and that people are going to follow my orders. That kind of makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to keep going there. But I'm hoping underneath it all that you guys are going to say, you really don't want me, but this is what I'm doing. We're not taking our orders from a 21-month-old. Or even a 3- or 4- or 5- or 6-year-old or teenager. It's a position we can easily fall into, and our child gets stuck there in that discomfort. So this third reason is that the other parent, and probably both parents to some extent, aren't comfortable with the child not getting what they want. What they say they want, which isn't always what they actually want. Taking control, bossing us all around. And then the child gets stuck in there too. Why can't this person take control and set a boundary with me? Why does everybody get uncomfortable and allow me to tell them what to do? That's the third reason. And what that means is that not only the parent is being rejected, but the other parent especially needs to be clear and comfortable with boundaries. Because it can't just be the rejected parent who's comfortable with upsetting our child and saying, well, I'm going to come anywhere. I'm actually going to kiss my husband, even though you don't want me to. And then the husband is uncomfortable. No, they've got to both be a united front. We always hear like parents being a united front. Well, this is a case where they really need to be a united front to help their child feel comfortable in this phase that they're in, so that they can pass through it and get to the other side. So they can pass through like, no, I do feel really bonded with this parent. It didn't shake up my whole family. It didn't make everyone mad at me. My parent who felt sort of rejected understood on some level and believed in the bond that we have enough to let me do this silly stuff. You know, a lot of it's silly on the outside. So, the first reason is this natural thing of wanting to kind of get into that parent, bond with that parent, be excited about certain things that that parent does that are different from the way the other parent does it. Second, uh-oh, this person's triggered. That's uncomfortable. What's going on there? I have to keep going to this place to figure that out. Third, now why is this parent that I want to be with kind of giving in? Why are they both giving in to me? Why are they feeling that what I say and want to do is more important than what they want to do? That they need to acquiesce to me. Knowing all this is everything, right? It really, really can help us to put this in perspective and feel comfortable. And I hope that's helping this parent that wrote to me to understand that none of this is personal, none of this is about feelings of true love and trust that a child has. And we can both be comfortable parents for our child in this stage. Here this parent says, how can we handle these moments? Is it best to just ignore my daughter's requests when she asks that I not be involved in their time together? So no, I wouldn't ignore anything a child says, because that gives it power in a way, especially if I'm already feeling vulnerable as this parent, and now I'm just trying to ignore it. Our child will unfortunately sense beyond that. So I would out and out say it. I mean this again is after doing our own work of understanding why we're getting triggered and that our child really does love us. But then from that place of seeing this clearly, if we could out and out say, you don't want me to hug Dada. Wow, that's a big ask, right? I'm actually going to hug Dada because I want to. We're not doing that out of some show or to teach or something. We're doing that only because we actually did want to hug Dada right there, and we were already going to do it if our child didn't do that. So this isn't about training or teaching a lesson. It's just about doing what we were actually going to do and not giving 21-month-old power to tell us how to be with our loved ones. If we think about it, why would we do that? That has to be again on both ends with both parents, not the one parent who's the preferred parent right now, not them shying away and feeling guilty and uncomfortable, but being, yeah, we're going to do this, and you get to be upset about that. Allowing our child to feel whatever they feel and express it, that is part of every boundary that we set. That has to be the give and take of every boundary. We give the boundary and we allow whatever response our child has to that. We want them to have that response because that's the response they have.

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Speaker 1:
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Use code Unruffled at monarch.com to get your first year half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code Unruffled. So do I hug Dada even when she tells me not to or go on walks with them and the dog even when she asks that I don't? Absolutely. If you want to do those things, I mean maybe you're fine with like, you know what, I don't need to go walk with the dog. You guys go do it. I'm going to be with her all day. I mean, don't do it to try to prove a point. But if you want to do it, you know what, today I really want to go walk with you guys. And you could be all mad at me the whole time. If you could get to that place, this will pass very, very quickly. And the more you can do this for real, the more empowered you'll feel, the more you'll be able to put this into perspective and, and put your relationship into its place in your mind. This beautiful relationship that you've worked on so hard, that's totally intact and totally there. But now she's just feeling a little wobbly about it because we're getting triggered. Do we try and talk to her about how it's okay for either mommy or daddy to wipe her face, put her to bed, read her stories? So that's the, maybe we can reason her out of this route that we all want to go to first or often go to first is like, well, we're going to explain to her that she can't do this. That doesn't usually help anything except make us more frustrated because part of her knows this isn't reasonable even at 21 months. So that's just a waste of our energy to explain. I would just accept her side of it, but not obey her side of it. Accept her side of it all the way while you guys still decide. And if it's like an either or that you don't really care, let Dada do it. If it's, you know what, I want to be the one to read tonight or Dada is tired, I'm going to do it. Stand up for yourself and Dada has to stand up for you too and not be wilting in the corner like, oh, okay, I'll do it. No, no, no, no, no. Mama's going to do it. They're right there for you. You and I will see each other in the morning or whatever. If I could give one bit of great advice to parents, do what you want to do and face the music of your child not agreeing with what you want to do. It's that simple and that hard. So don't try to talk her out of her feelings. Don't try to explain why she shouldn't feel the way she feels or shouldn't make these demands and why it really is okay. And don't try to acquiesce to what she wants. Don't feel weak in her demands. Be the two grownups here. And knowing you're loved by her and you don't need her behavior in the moment to prove that. There's reason she's doing the things she does. It could very well be because we're triggered. And then the preferred parent is not helping us in the boundary department, which they need to do. We both need to find that place of comfort so that she can feel that place of comfort in being a little tiny kid. So just to tell you about my own experience with this, in my case, it was only with our oldest child that I can remember, our daughter. It was when she was like between two and three years old, and she wanted me, not all the time, but in terms of putting her to bed and reading her books. I don't know. I think I was pretty good at reading her books because I would do characters and voices and all that. But my husband, Mike, he really took it in stride. Like he didn't seem to bother him one bit. I mean, he was coming on from work and I mean, he really didn't need to be the one putting our daughter to bed. So it was a big deal to her. So much so that I have this still, I was looking at it in one of my drawers in my bathroom. There's this soap dish that's from one of these ceramic places where the kids can paint the ceramics and then they fire it for you and so she made this little soap dish for her dad's birthday and she told me what to write underneath it besides her initials. She wanted me to write, because this was her birthday, you can read a book to me tonight, daddy. So that was a big gift she was giving him that she was going to let him read a book to her or he was mostly banned from doing that. But again, going with what the advice I'm giving here, if I was not around, I'm sure she would have been fine with daddy reading a book to her. And if he was home and he wanted to do it, for sure, I would have backed him up in doing that and faced our daughter's wrath, her two to three year old wrath. And she was intense. But I actually I do recall there were a lot of other things because I remember asking one of my RIE mentors at the time, Elizabeth Memel, and her saying what I'm saying to you here in this podcast, which is she's just kind of in love with you right now. So yeah, my husband could have taken that personally, but he didn't. So our daughter was able to pass through it pretty quickly. And in this case, this child is going to pass through it too. But it'll happen sooner and it'll feel better to both parents going forward when they understand this and see her where she is right now as this little girl barking orders and seeing what she controls and hoping in her heart of hearts that she doesn't control to big grownups. I hope this helps this parent feel better and any parent going through this. But again, forgive yourself for all the feelings that you're having. Want to understand them and keep reminding yourself, write it on the back of your hand, that you have a lovely relationship when the other one's not around, that your child takes comfort in you and evidently enjoys your presence and loves you. Yes, 100 percent, kids can't fake that. We can do this.

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