transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:00] K-Pop Demon Hunter's Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi?
Speaker 2:
[00:09] It's not a battle.
Speaker 3:
[00:10] So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.
Speaker 4:
[00:14] It is an honor to share.
Speaker 1:
[00:16] No, it's our honor.
Speaker 5:
[00:17] It is our larger honor.
Speaker 3:
[00:19] No, really, stop.
Speaker 1:
[00:21] You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side.
Speaker 2:
[00:28] I participate in McDonald's while supplies last.
Speaker 3:
[00:30] Flowing ad budget on metrics that look great till the CFO sees them, that's bull spend and marketers are calling it out in Dashboard Confessions.
Speaker 5:
[00:39] I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand when leads were slow. Yeah, it wasn't.
Speaker 3:
[00:47] Cut the bull spend. LinkedIn lets you target by company, job title, and more. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a $250 credit. linkedin.com/campaignterms and conditions apply.
Speaker 2:
[01:00] Pepsi prebiotic cola in original and cherry vanilla. That Pepsi tastes you low with no artificial sweeteners and three grams of prebiotic fiber. Pepsi prebiotic cola. Unbelievably Pepsi.
Speaker 6:
[01:20] Oh my God, oh my God.
Speaker 4:
[01:22] How's my hair?
Speaker 6:
[01:22] Is it still wet?
Speaker 4:
[01:23] It'll be dry by the end of the episode.
Speaker 7:
[01:25] It does look good though.
Speaker 6:
[01:26] Thank you.
Speaker 7:
[01:27] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[01:27] Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 7:
[01:28] Right? Does it look good? Or is it, is it a skew? Is it a skew?
Speaker 8:
[01:32] Tracy, look right in the camera.
Speaker 3:
[01:35] We're rolling.
Speaker 6:
[01:36] Oh, it is a little, hold on a minute.
Speaker 7:
[01:37] It's a little skew.
Speaker 3:
[01:38] Look into the camera.
Speaker 6:
[01:40] It's like, oh, I'm taking, I'm looking at, I'm just pull it down on the right a little bit.
Speaker 7:
[01:47] Because if I don't fix this, then you won't air my episode.
Speaker 3:
[01:50] That is so true.
Speaker 7:
[01:52] It's based on the hair. It's like when you take a picture with someone and you never see it again because they looked bad even. Yes. Yes. It looks good. It looks like you just like rolled out of bed.
Speaker 6:
[02:03] Well, which is exactly what happened. Exactly. As you know, as a woman in Hollywood, it takes about two and a half hours to get that bedhead scrunch.
Speaker 7:
[02:13] Yes, it does. The other look is the beach hair.
Speaker 6:
[02:18] Well, that's what we're talking about.
Speaker 7:
[02:19] The beachy wave. After two hours, I'm like, look what we did. I looked in the mirror, I'm like, I could have done that.
Speaker 6:
[02:24] Nothing has changed. I'm just putting my Do Not Disturb on. I'm not watching porn.
Speaker 7:
[02:28] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[02:29] I'm not watching porn.
Speaker 7:
[02:30] Watching porn on your iPhone, it feels like the porn stars could watch you back.
Speaker 6:
[02:36] I've never thought of that. I would think that the evil porn kings or the people who are at the top of the porn mountain or the evil guys, they're watching you back.
Speaker 7:
[02:49] I love that they're on a porn mountain. Mountains are kind of the porn dogs of nature, right? That's the title.
Speaker 6:
[02:58] The porn dogs of nature. Okay, so in order for people to understand, we don't really start or end the podcast. It kind of just clips on and it goes, and then it just erupts. So I'm going to give you a proper intro because this is actually the third time we're completing a trilogy.
Speaker 7:
[03:19] Yeah, as Trace said, this will be it for me. She said this will be my last interview.
Speaker 6:
[03:23] And so in her last interview, I don't know why. Well, it's because the number three is very holy, very sacred.
Speaker 7:
[03:30] Yeah, and people-
Speaker 6:
[03:31] Also very definitive.
Speaker 7:
[03:32] People want something new.
Speaker 8:
[03:34] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[03:40] Okay, okay.
Speaker 6:
[03:41] And I briefly used, on the way here, I was in a panic, so I rushed out, paper bag, wet hair, this hair, ran out of the house, shirt unbuttoned, pants unzipped. And I had a shopping bag, a paper bag full of a wet wig, a bottle of water, a half a Xanax, just in case, and then a whole bunch of other crap. And I got in the car, lovely driver, and I was like, what would artificial intelligence do to, what would Katya say about Kristen Schaal? And it was so bad. It was so corny, and it was like, and it's not even, and I don't even want to read it, because it made me so depressed at the same time, like, oh, thank God.
Speaker 7:
[04:33] It didn't get it right. Because it wasn't your voice.
Speaker 6:
[04:34] No, no, it was like, it was like zany and hijinks, and like things like that are like words, corny words used to describe a theme or a tone or whatever that I suppose you could apply to me, you know, but it was just like, oh.
Speaker 7:
[04:49] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[04:50] It was like a simultaneous relief, but also it's like, well, shit. I just used it. It's like, does that knife really stab people? And I just stabbed someone.
Speaker 7:
[04:59] You know how the Gmail was starting to rewrite everybody's emails? So I figured out how to turn it off.
Speaker 6:
[05:05] So that's-
Speaker 7:
[05:06] Because it was like-
Speaker 6:
[05:07] That happened next.
Speaker 7:
[05:08] Oh, it's awful. So you can get it turned off, but it did show me how bad of a writer I am. And I was like, okay, everyone's going to know that I'm faking this because it doesn't have five exclamation marks after every sentence and it doesn't have like like and just and very, very, very like, like, like, just adjust.
Speaker 6:
[05:30] That is so fucking funny you said that because I intentionally kept at least four typos. Like I had yes with three yeses and then a long couple of like two periods and then dot, dot like space, space, space, space, space. Thank you. No comma, Brian. I was just like, I, that's enough. They'll get the info and I don't want your help.
Speaker 7:
[05:49] No, it's creepy. It's really creepy.
Speaker 6:
[05:52] It's creepy. And I, I watched a clip of, oh sorry, hold on, back to the intro.
Speaker 7:
[05:56] Oh, sorry.
Speaker 6:
[05:57] Jesus Christ.
Speaker 7:
[05:58] My last intro.
Speaker 6:
[05:59] Yeah. In her final performance, in her swan song, Swan Lake.
Speaker 7:
[06:06] Oh, did you see the show?
Speaker 6:
[06:07] No, I'm dying to. Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 7:
[06:10] Can we talk about it?
Speaker 6:
[06:11] No, it's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. My guest tonight, in her, today, see, it's not even, maybe they're watching this at night, okay.
Speaker 7:
[06:21] Yeah, you don't know. Oh, you're going to read the AI?
Speaker 6:
[06:23] No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to read my own version of it.
Speaker 7:
[06:26] Okay. Okay.
Speaker 6:
[06:27] Today, we are blessed with a trinity, a eulogy for our guest whose final performance will not only reverberate to the halls of podcastum, but through the audio. And a rock and roll hall of fame. From the bunny ears of Louise Belcher on Bob's Burgers to the tech chaos of my spy, The Eternal City. And the blood-soaked sensuality of vampire politician, The Guide? Yeah. And what we do in The Shadows. She's built a career, this is, okay. She's built a career on being one of the most distinct voices in the business, returning to the big screen in Toy Story 5, and taking her surreal solo show, The Legend of Crystal Shell to the Netflix is a Joke Fest. She's funny, she's fabulous. And she represents to us the confluence of beauty, talent, and untamed and unbridled sexuality. Yes. We are, wait, not done.
Speaker 7:
[07:43] Sorry, I just, that's what an untamed sexual person would do. Sorry, sorry.
Speaker 6:
[07:47] We're often wondering, what is the exact confluence of all of the perfect qualities of a human being, and they are here tonight in one human form, Kristen Schaal.
Speaker 7:
[07:57] Welcome. Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 6:
[07:59] AI was like, she's doing the hygiene to her own, and the zil go blah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[08:03] I was like, fuck off.
Speaker 7:
[08:05] Yeah, fuck off with that. I'm quirky. Oh yeah, she's quirky.
Speaker 6:
[08:09] She's quirky. What's it like being a quirky lady in a leading lady Hollywood?
Speaker 7:
[08:13] I'll tell you.
Speaker 6:
[08:14] You wanna be a leading lady in Hollywood? What's a quirky lady?
Speaker 7:
[08:17] It doesn't matter, because they'll just cast Zooey Deschanel as the quirky one.
Speaker 6:
[08:23] Who are your nemeses?
Speaker 7:
[08:25] I don't have any nemeses.
Speaker 6:
[08:27] No, I think you do. Julia Roberts.
Speaker 7:
[08:31] What a big mouth! Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[08:35] Huge, huge. With that smile, it's not only, it's dazzling, it's dangerous.
Speaker 7:
[08:39] Yeah, I think she could fit a whole mango in there.
Speaker 6:
[08:46] We better call, I bet George has seen her do that on Lake Como.
Speaker 7:
[08:49] Oh, for sure.
Speaker 6:
[08:50] Yeah, for sure. You know, I've heard a lot about, I'm obsessed with, anytime I go anywhere near a Hollywood production set, you know, I ask anybody who is working, they're like, have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julia Roberts? And then anybody else who they worked with. And I haven't really got a lot of juicy gossip yet, but I did get some gossip that says, she's very, very, very nice to men.
Speaker 7:
[09:16] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[09:17] And that was what they said.
Speaker 7:
[09:18] Okay. And was that a woman saying it? I got a little juicy gossip from her. Please, please, please. From Julia? Yeah, not from her, but someone was telling me, cause I worked on, what was it called? It was my parents' favorite movie I ever made, A Walk in the Woods. I had four lines, but it was with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. So they, finally I did something.
Speaker 6:
[09:45] That's like, holy shit.
Speaker 7:
[09:47] Yeah, it's pretty good.
Speaker 6:
[09:48] It's like the Mount Rushmore.
Speaker 7:
[09:49] You know, like the disappointing thing about that movie is that I was only on that set for like maybe two days cause they would start like talking about like the day they hung out with Marilyn Monroe and who's that guy that wrote Of Mice and Men?
Speaker 6:
[10:07] Oh, John Steinbeck?
Speaker 7:
[10:10] Yeah, it's Steinbeck. You know what I mean? Like they lived the whole culture.
Speaker 6:
[10:16] Right. Yeah, that is like the American culture started and stuff. Yeah, Robert Redford, did he die recently?
Speaker 1:
[10:23] That's the rumor.
Speaker 7:
[10:25] That's the rumor. But I don't know. I don't know if it's true. I think he's just tired of the spotlight and he's just like faked it. There's no doubt he's just like living in Topanga Canyon, just like breathing a sigh of relief.
Speaker 6:
[10:41] In a hot spring that he created.
Speaker 7:
[10:44] Underground.
Speaker 6:
[10:44] Underground.
Speaker 7:
[10:46] No, the, oh, so the gossip was is that we were like, you know, working past the, there's sometimes there's penalties if they make you stay longer or whatever.
Speaker 6:
[10:55] Yeah, sure, sure.
Speaker 7:
[10:56] And, and the, I just heard that when that would happen on the set with Julia Roberts, you are actually supposed to give them cash for the hours, the penalty every hour, like, give them cash.
Speaker 6:
[11:11] Give the actors cash?
Speaker 7:
[11:12] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[11:12] With the actors?
Speaker 7:
[11:13] Well, she would ask for it in cash before she would agree to do it. And then she would take the cash. And it wasn't like what, it was like the penalty for the union. So it was like, you know, $100 an hour or whatever. But she would, no, she would divide it up with her hair and makeup people so they could walk home with cash.
Speaker 6:
[11:31] So that's fucking awesome.
Speaker 7:
[11:32] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[11:33] So whoever, you know what, whoever told me that thing about Julia Roberts, I think maybe they had spun it so that she gets, I think the part I missed was she only gets along with men because she loves women.
Speaker 7:
[11:45] Oh!
Speaker 6:
[11:46] You know what I mean?
Speaker 7:
[11:47] Maybe.
Speaker 6:
[11:47] She merely gets along with men.
Speaker 7:
[11:48] Maybe, but I mean, like, that's a thing. Sometimes you're just feeling men more than women and sometimes you're feeling women more than men. And sometimes you grow out of that. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[11:59] Sometimes you grow up and you stop being sexual. Sometimes you just shake that off. I, oh, oh.
Speaker 7:
[12:12] I do have to get this out of the way because it's on my mind every time I look at you is that your skin is glowing.
Speaker 6:
[12:17] Okay, that's weird.
Speaker 7:
[12:18] Did you put makeup on?
Speaker 6:
[12:19] I, no.
Speaker 7:
[12:20] No, it doesn't look like it. It's like fresh-faced glow.
Speaker 6:
[12:25] I've done you, 5 a.m. running out of the house with wet hair.
Speaker 7:
[12:29] You look amazing.
Speaker 6:
[12:30] Sarah, just wait. Don't stop. I'm gonna, now I'm gonna start looking crazy.
Speaker 7:
[12:33] Because you're thinking about your face.
Speaker 6:
[12:35] Yeah, and I'm gonna turn beet red.
Speaker 7:
[12:37] You look gorgeous.
Speaker 6:
[12:38] Oh my God, shut up. Could you be more specific?
Speaker 7:
[12:40] I mean, like, your cheekbones are really pretty and your head is, like, shaped nice.
Speaker 6:
[12:44] It's just that, it's just that, it's the unit. It's the unit. But I have to, I have to-
Speaker 7:
[12:49] The what?
Speaker 6:
[12:49] Oh, it's, this is what you call a men's, a unit.
Speaker 7:
[12:51] It is?
Speaker 6:
[12:52] Well, you could call it a toupee, but it's not exactly that because it's just like, it's like a-
Speaker 7:
[12:57] Cause a toupee goes with the rest of the hair and this is like-
Speaker 6:
[13:00] Yes, and I don't have any.
Speaker 7:
[13:01] Yeah, this is like striking.
Speaker 6:
[13:03] Actually, this could be, I mean, I suppose it is a toupee because I could conceivably have this, this sort of like hair around here.
Speaker 7:
[13:11] I thought it was a wig.
Speaker 6:
[13:13] I would call it a wig too.
Speaker 7:
[13:14] But then you're, because unit seems like, when you say unit, I'm thinking about like dick.
Speaker 6:
[13:19] Oh, because the, but then we could say- It's a system. System. What about a system?
Speaker 7:
[13:23] Then there's be more than one moving part.
Speaker 8:
[13:25] Well, that's just like when-
Speaker 6:
[13:27] Well, the system, the hair system gets, that's where it gets interesting because when the unit becomes a system, it's when there are multiple, there's an installation process involved. Guess what you're going to love? This is great.
Speaker 7:
[13:39] This is like glue, like with glue and a hat.
Speaker 5:
[13:42] So you go to-
Speaker 6:
[13:44] And scarf, sunglasses.
Speaker 7:
[13:45] A cap, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[13:47] And neck brace.
Speaker 7:
[13:48] And a bag over your head.
Speaker 5:
[13:49] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[13:51] So you go, I would, see I had, the problem is I have all gray hair. Whatever would grow in on my head is absolutely gray, gray, gray, gray.
Speaker 7:
[13:58] Oh, that's beautiful though, like Steve Martin.
Speaker 6:
[14:00] Yes, that is like, just like Steve Martin in a full head of it too. Total full head of, just like Steve Martin.
Speaker 7:
[14:07] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[14:08] And so if I did that, I would go to the barber or go to the specialty barber in the basement through a tunnel because you don't want anybody to see this happen to the window. You know what I mean?
Speaker 7:
[14:16] Because you don't want to give away your secrets.
Speaker 6:
[14:18] No, no. So they put the unit on your head, they glue it on with like epoxy resin or something crazy. Not really that but, and then they cut, they give you a haircut and they blend the unit into your hair. But you have to go back for maintenance because of course, your hair grows. But the unit stays, the unit doesn't grow. And you gotta go for touch ups, I would say probably once a week.
Speaker 7:
[14:41] Oh, that's too much.
Speaker 6:
[14:43] No shit, because some of, now I'm telling you, some of these guys I've seen in real life have unclockable systems, systems. Systems, because they have to, the way that they seamlessly blend their, you know, back and side hair into the, I mean, I'm talking like a skin fade.
Speaker 7:
[15:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[15:03] And it's unbelievable.
Speaker 7:
[15:05] It's beautiful.
Speaker 6:
[15:06] You would never know. Unless you grabbed it and yanked it off.
Speaker 7:
[15:09] That's gonna ask about that in a fight.
Speaker 6:
[15:11] Oh, it would be...
Speaker 7:
[15:12] It would hurt.
Speaker 6:
[15:13] I don't think it would hurt.
Speaker 7:
[15:14] You don't think that the glue would pull up some scalp?
Speaker 6:
[15:17] No, I don't. It could probably, it would definitely, like, be like some, I don't think, like, blood, but it would be like pulling off a really, really hard sticker. Or like...
Speaker 7:
[15:29] Like a bandaid, like a hurtful bandaid.
Speaker 8:
[15:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[15:31] Something like that. And it may be even blood, but who knows what they put on these days. I know they don't go swimming in these.
Speaker 8:
[15:36] Oh.
Speaker 6:
[15:37] Well, I don't know that. I just assumed that. But it would be the ultimate humiliation, which is so fascinating to me. Because if this thing blew off in Chicago, say, Yeah. I would be like... And then I would just continue with my day.
Speaker 7:
[15:53] You would let it go, you would let it find a new home. Yeah. You wouldn't put up lost and found signs for your unit.
Speaker 6:
[15:59] No, because I have four more of them at home.
Speaker 7:
[16:02] And that's human hair.
Speaker 6:
[16:04] It surely is.
Speaker 7:
[16:05] And it's really nice. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[16:06] You know what the fun thing is? I shampoo and condition it in the shower on my head.
Speaker 8:
[16:10] Oh, Kristen.
Speaker 2:
[16:12] Enjoy your life.
Speaker 7:
[16:14] Oh my God.
Speaker 8:
[16:15] I'm just running out of the shower.
Speaker 7:
[16:17] You really were. Well, that makes sense because it would keep the shape, too, whereas if you were in there...
Speaker 6:
[16:24] Exactly. I did throw it into a paper bag on the way here.
Speaker 7:
[16:28] I have so many questions about that. Half the annex. Are you going to pop it during this? No, no, no.
Speaker 6:
[16:34] It's always an emergency. It's my cyanide pill.
Speaker 7:
[16:37] Okay. Is the emergency like, you got a call from your ex and also your business manager? Oh, you're...
Speaker 6:
[16:48] No, no. Bite down on that little tic tac.
Speaker 7:
[17:22] Yes, yes.
Speaker 6:
[17:23] Let them have it. Or let you, you know.
Speaker 7:
[17:26] Oh no, it was a tic tac!
Speaker 8:
[17:28] Where did I put it?
Speaker 6:
[17:31] What about cyanide pills?
Speaker 7:
[17:33] What?
Speaker 6:
[17:33] What about cyanide pills?
Speaker 7:
[17:35] Yeah, what about them?
Speaker 6:
[17:36] I mean, I just... I rewatched Dune part one last night, and he bites down on the tooth that releases poison.
Speaker 7:
[17:44] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[17:44] And I thought that was kind. So I'm just wondering about... I'm glad that they don't exist because I think...
Speaker 7:
[17:56] How do you know they don't exist?
Speaker 6:
[17:57] They probably do. Well, I mean, there's definitely like, you know, maybe not a dental implant version, but something like a nasal spray. Something very, very quick and easy.
Speaker 4:
[18:12] Today's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Wayfair. You guys, you can trust me, I am a Home and Garden Television superstar. I have pieces in my house by Wayfair. I'm gonna tell you my little magic trick because I have a Hollywood Regency home and so doing everything big and fabulous but making it feel fancy and new, but still magically old school. I love antique shopping, et cetera, but I love mixing brand new with old. It's Way Day at Wayfair. From April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in the home like 80% off with free shipping on everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly your style and fit your needs from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials. And it's all on sale during Way Day. You guys, this is usually the time of year where I like to try to revamp my guest room. I just read this book about home organization and they said you should make your guest room as much like a hotel room for your guests as possible, like a little side table or a little coffee maker or little slippers in a robe. So I'm always trying to be critical and like if I was a guest in my guest room, what would I want? So I'm currently looking for a new rug that I'm going to put out because my guest room is just a little bit echoey. And if I was a guest and I feel like the whole room is echoing, I would feel like I'm being loud. You know what I mean? So I'm looking for a new rug right now. And you guys, my aesthetic is so wild, but my guest room is actually pretty muted. And so I'm looking for the right thing to add a little pizzazz without making my guest room as wild as the rest of my house. And Wayfair makes it super easy to narrow down exactly what you need for your style and budget. Like for a rug, I could dial in the size I want, the color I want, and just look for that size and color of rug. Love it. And it was super easy to shop and order and receive. It just shipped to my house, super easy. You guys, when I was doing Trixie Mattel Season Two and I was doing my house, Wayfair, I mean, when I'm trying to pull the whole house together on like a TV timeline, Wayfair was wonderful because I could get things so quickly. Way Day is the day to shop for the best deals in home. We're talking 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to shop Way Day. That's wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home.
Speaker 6:
[20:19] This episode is sponsored by Zbiotics. I personally do not drink as I prefer to remain alert, perched on the edge of the evening like a watchful decorative bird. But I recently went to a wedding where everyone else surrendered themselves completely to joy, to dancing, to champagne flutes trembling in the soft candlelight. They gave in to the kind of open bar optimism that convinces a grown man he should attempt to breakdance for the first time in his forties. Whenever a wedding burns that brightly, you expect the next morning to look like a faded renaissance painting of smudged mascara, stained satin, and someone whispering to a plate of scrambled eggs at a continental breakfast as though they contain divine judgment. And yet at this particular wedding, shockingly, everyone arrived looking like regular human beings. They were dressed, they were speaking in full sentences. One woman was buttering toast with the steady hand of a sturgeon. It was all due to Zebiotics. Zebiotic's pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for rough days after drinking. Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night, drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. From the fairways in Augusta to the first pitch of baseball season and the start of festival circuits, April is a sprint of outdoor celebrations. Don't let a rough next day keep you on the sidelines. Drink pre-alcohol to stay ahead of the game and make the most of every sunny Saturday. Go to zbiotics.com/bald to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use bald at checkout. Zbiotics is backed with 100% money back guarantee, so if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember to head to zbiotics.com/bald and use the code bald at checkout for 15% off.
Speaker 7:
[22:10] I'm thinking of something that I probably shouldn't bring up on this podcast. Because you said units. So you're like unit, unit, unit and I'm like unit and I'm like oh, because my friend is studying Unix.
Speaker 6:
[22:21] Oh, are you kidding me?
Speaker 7:
[22:22] Fascinating.
Speaker 6:
[22:23] Called Cry to Heaven, do you know about that?
Speaker 7:
[22:25] What, no, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book and we were talking about at a party. I learned something I didn't know.
Speaker 6:
[22:33] Oh my God, let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this because I know all about it.
Speaker 7:
[22:37] Great. It was like all of a sudden, because my whole life and I'm so sorry to the listeners.
Speaker 6:
[22:44] The people on the 405, the 110, I-90 and I-N-Mass and 495 to Worcester in Massachusetts.
Speaker 7:
[22:51] Just swing the get your cyanide pills, you're going to be there for a while.
Speaker 6:
[22:55] Put your blue blockers on, put the hazards on, pull over and bite down hard on that pill.
Speaker 7:
[23:02] And bite down hard.
Speaker 6:
[23:03] Yeah, bite down hard.
Speaker 7:
[23:04] Because if you don't go all the way through, you're going to wake up and you're still there.
Speaker 6:
[23:07] But put your hazards on. On the shoulder. Life's worth living.
Speaker 7:
[23:11] Life's worth living.
Speaker 6:
[23:11] It surely is.
Speaker 7:
[23:13] And even for these eunuchs. So I didn't realize, my whole life when you said, oh, they got, what do they call it? When you get your...
Speaker 6:
[23:21] So they get castrated.
Speaker 7:
[23:22] Castrated. And OK, so I thought everybody's balls came off. That's it. End of story.
Speaker 6:
[23:27] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[23:28] I didn't realize they would remove the penis as well. And they would put a piece, a little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate. And like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee. But they wouldn't have a penis. And the only good thing in my mind about a penis is that you can stand up and pee and they would deprive. They'd have to sit like me.
Speaker 6:
[23:54] Yeah, and spray everywhere.
Speaker 7:
[23:56] Everywhere, everywhere, just like a fan of piss. Everywhere.
Speaker 6:
[24:04] Like a perfect pyramid.
Speaker 7:
[24:05] Oh my god, all around.
Speaker 8:
[24:09] You have to get a funnel.
Speaker 6:
[24:10] You have to get a large, large funnel.
Speaker 7:
[24:12] No, it's the size of the funnel. What is it like to just have such an elegant stream of piss three, five, eight times a day? How often do you piss? Like, what's the healthy amount?
Speaker 6:
[24:29] Well, this is a good thing. We come again to a very controversial talking point.
Speaker 7:
[24:34] Uh-oh, good thing it's my last time on the show.
Speaker 6:
[24:38] In your last interview ever.
Speaker 7:
[24:41] It's drying up.
Speaker 6:
[24:44] That's a really great question. I think it's a good opener too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day? I'm going to have you today. I heard, so there's the jury is hung on this.
Speaker 7:
[24:58] Don't say hung when we're talking.
Speaker 6:
[25:01] Because for the longest time, I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration, healthy, healthy. But then I heard a counterpoint, which is that your urine is a waste product. You drink when you're thirsty.
Speaker 7:
[25:20] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[25:21] Period.
Speaker 7:
[25:22] Yeah, we really are all walking around with bottles of water like babies. But like babies. With their milk. Where's my water?
Speaker 6:
[25:35] Yeah, no, the only time water is an emergency, well, I mean, water is an emergency very many frequently times. But when I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s.
Speaker 7:
[25:45] Of course you did. You've done every trend. I know it.
Speaker 5:
[25:50] Bollyage.
Speaker 6:
[25:51] I did, what is that? I did, has Mah Jong ever entered the?
Speaker 7:
[25:56] Mah Jong?
Speaker 6:
[25:57] Mah Jong, that's not a trend.
Speaker 7:
[25:58] No, I know how to play. I just took a class.
Speaker 6:
[26:00] So does Julia Roberts. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends.
Speaker 7:
[26:02] Oh my God. Do you know how?
Speaker 6:
[26:04] No, I'd love to learn though, with Julia.
Speaker 7:
[26:06] You know, they, well, okay. I can't help you there.
Speaker 6:
[26:08] Wait, wait, wait, back. We have to go back to you next.
Speaker 8:
[26:12] Dang it. They always get forgotten.
Speaker 6:
[26:16] Well, what's the, so this is a plot point on my favorite show, The Game of Thrones.
Speaker 8:
[26:20] Okay. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[26:20] So because the Unsullied Army is famously, so she asks, the Dragon Queen asks, so when they, you know, when they clip their business, they take the twig and the berries. Right. And apparently, yes, they do. They take both of them. Both of them.
Speaker 7:
[26:40] They take them both.
Speaker 6:
[26:41] But I...
Speaker 7:
[26:41] And they had to hold on to them. What? They had to hold on to them.
Speaker 6:
[26:45] Like the whole time?
Speaker 7:
[26:46] Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that, they would put them in a box, this is my friend, and then went and to take them with them because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole.
Speaker 6:
[26:57] Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooch?
Speaker 7:
[26:59] I mean, or like a hat.
Speaker 6:
[27:02] I mean, depending on how... I mean, usually, they do it quite young, so I'm not imagining it could be like, you could like maybe like bronze it and make a brooch.
Speaker 7:
[27:10] Oh, a bronze brooch would be great.
Speaker 6:
[27:13] Yeah, or like a big...
Speaker 7:
[27:16] Like a belt buckle, which would be confusing.
Speaker 6:
[27:17] A beagle-puss disguise, like a... Oh, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[27:21] Like at a masquerade.
Speaker 6:
[27:24] But there is Anne Rice, Anne Rice wrote this book called Cry to Heaven, which was about, I read it in seventh grade and it was about Italian castrati eunuchs, singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super like lusty, but I had a boner.
Speaker 7:
[27:49] Well, lucky you.
Speaker 6:
[27:50] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[27:51] I know.
Speaker 6:
[27:52] I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body whilst reading this book. It's fabulous book. I don't know. She's, anyways, they're making, Tom Ford is making a movie about this.
Speaker 7:
[28:07] Based on the book or just-
Speaker 6:
[28:08] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[28:09] Really?
Speaker 6:
[28:09] And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this?
Speaker 7:
[28:15] I will be sitting with you in the back row, not the front, the back row for that film. I am excited about this film.
Speaker 6:
[28:24] I can't wait. I mean, Dune, part three, get out of here. Avengers, Doom Day, just go fuck off.
Speaker 7:
[28:31] We're ready for the Unix show. Crystal Shell, get out of here. Well, you were talking about, I think I might have brought this up, you're talking about getting a boner reading that book. The last time I got bricked, turned on, what's bricked?
Speaker 6:
[28:49] It means hardened, erect, tumescent.
Speaker 7:
[28:51] That's kind of hard.
Speaker 6:
[28:52] I love it.
Speaker 7:
[28:53] I like it too. It's like gentle but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it and also, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[29:01] What's my favorite, my favorite version, my favorite, what do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like, I don't want to steal, I don't want like a concrete penis. I like one that is just starting to wilt so it has a little bit of pliability.
Speaker 7:
[29:19] Is it wilting because you did a bad job?
Speaker 8:
[29:23] Yes, all the time.
Speaker 7:
[29:26] Like, why did you let it get there? Was it like-
Speaker 6:
[29:30] Because he just bit into the cyanide pill.
Speaker 8:
[29:36] Life's worth living.
Speaker 7:
[29:38] Just to reiterate.
Speaker 6:
[29:39] You or someone you know is struggling.
Speaker 7:
[29:42] Don't do it.
Speaker 8:
[29:42] Don't do it.
Speaker 6:
[29:43] Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't even take the Xanax and don't drive.
Speaker 7:
[29:47] Don't drive. Oh, wait. So, I was watching Wham! The Wham! Documentary and I was not ready.
Speaker 6:
[29:55] Is this George Michael?
Speaker 7:
[29:56] Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name right and wrong. I'm sorry. But the other Wham! guy, Andrew. And anyways, but George Michael is like in his like prime. And he is like singing and he's moving his body in like just like... And I'm like watching it in my living room and all of a sudden I looked down and my hips were going like this towards the TV, towards George Michael. And I didn't know I was doing that. But it's just like, he's like, it's like, yeah. And my husband's over there, you know, but I was just like watching. He'd be singing, he'd be singing and I'd just be like up here. That's the only time that's ever happened.
Speaker 6:
[30:40] Wow. I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn.
Speaker 7:
[30:45] That belt, like he'd wear a belt and jeans and just like, I don't even think he like was aware. You know, that's what's so hot. Like it's just like there is the, we've talked about Jordan Michael. He's just like the music's just like going through him. Maybe he was aware of that.
Speaker 6:
[31:01] I think he was aware and he built it to like, to glorious effect.
Speaker 7:
[31:07] But the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I'm like, I'm like.
Speaker 6:
[31:13] Oh yeah, it felt, he was in.
Speaker 7:
[31:15] He wasn't trying.
Speaker 6:
[31:16] He wasn't trying too hard.
Speaker 7:
[31:19] But he was getting me bricked!
Speaker 6:
[31:23] And I like to spell it like.
Speaker 7:
[31:24] Can I get bricked?
Speaker 6:
[31:24] You can't, but when it's for women, it's B-R-I-Q-U-E-D, like briquette.
Speaker 7:
[31:29] Oh god. off. Gross. I'm out.
Speaker 6:
[31:35] Well you are after this unfortunately.
Speaker 7:
[31:36] I know. I know. Oh no. This is the only podcast where people like happily are that I'm here. Like I read the comments and I'm like, Oh my god. This is what I feel like down. I go to the comments on this.
Speaker 6:
[31:52] Now, I mean, they will never. They will never. They're going to turn on me and Trixie because we will have you. We'll have, you know, you will be sent away. But you will be sent somewhere really nice.
Speaker 7:
[32:02] Oh my god. Oh my god.
Speaker 6:
[32:06] That's so scary. Your daughter can visit once a month.
Speaker 7:
[32:10] Once a month only.
Speaker 6:
[32:17] This episode is sponsored by Zenny Glasses. I will confess something unbecoming of a great cinematic mind such as mine. For months, I was watching four hour director's cuts through a pair of glasses so scratched and exhausted, they looked like they had survived the fall of the Roman Empire. I kept putting off replacing them because even in 2026, getting new glasses somehow feels like mounting a full-scale prestige drama for the fickle audiences of today. The appointments are arduous, the waiting rooms trite, the price is staggering. The entire process is filled with needless anguish. At a regular glasses place, my setup would have been about $320. I ordered from Zenni and paid $68. And frankly, I nearly gave Zenni a standing ovation right there in my living room. Zenni is an online eyewear shop with stylish prescription glasses, sunglasses and blue light lenses starting at under $30. You go to zenni.com, pick a frame, upload your prescription, and they ship it to your door. No appointment, no store, no theatrical upsell. Now I have my regular pair for daytime movies and blue light glasses for those midnight screenings where I'm analyzing a Bulgarian allegory about a horse and still hoping to fall asleep afterward. And because zenni is so affordable, I stopped asking, do I really need new glasses? And started asking, why not have a pair for every version of me? They have over 150,000 five-star reviews and a virtual try-on so you can see exactly how the frames look before you commit. What changed once I had them? Everything in the films sharpened. The faces, the lighting, the emotional ruin from a character arc that truly cuts one's soul. Zenni, I wear for everyone. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to zenni.com/podcast and use code podcast15 for 15% off your first order. The style sell out so don't sit on it. That's zenni.com/podcastpromocodepodcast15.
Speaker 4:
[34:07] Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay, so my massage therapist who I've been seeing for 10 years. For the first 12 many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together? Whatever. And hope he texts me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated in my self care. And what's great is my massage therapist, his website that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available. So instead of me having to like harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider, his time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website. Now for Squarespace, you don't have to be a massage therapist. Let's say you're somebody who always did hair and makeup for people in high school and then you went to beauty school and now you're basically doing blowouts left and right or doing makeup for people. Wouldn't it be great if beyond social media, you have somewhere people can find everything about what you do and your services. And what's great about Squarespace is you can also integrate your social media. So like if you are putting a big push on, let's say your Instagram, you can embed this stuff or put direct links or anything like that. So people can also, if they're finding your website, they can use that to find your social media and vice versa. I also love that you can sell content. So let's say you're just one of my favorite type of things as a producer, a lot of my favorite plug-ins that I use for like saturators or bass effects or things that I put in my music. A lot of those are created by independent creators, and so I can go directly to their website and buy my plug-ins from them. This is the type of thing that if you're using Squarespace, you could do this too. Head over to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com/bald to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Speaker 6:
[36:04] This episode is sponsored by Ro. I have to admit, when I first started hearing about GLP-1s, I thought to myself, yet another health trend that's going to vanish the second the internet finds a new obsession. But the more I've heard from people I know who use them, the more impressed I've been. Yes, weight loss can be a big part of it, but what really stands out to me is everything beyond the bathroom scale. More energy, better lab numbers, fewer cravings, and more self-confidence. For a lot of people, that can make a huge difference as part of an overall health routine, especially when weight is connected to so many other health conditions. It's almost as if the body is a complex organism and everything is connected. And honestly, the new pill option feels like a huge deal for people who think shots belong solely in horror movies. Yikes! Roe now offers the first FDA approved GLP-1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It has the same weight loss ingredient as the shot and delivers comparable results. Roe is also 100% online, with free insurance checks, access to FDA approved medications, side effect management, dosing support, and unlimited provider messaging. For the many people I know who need GLP-1s, I recommend Roe. It's convenient, cost effective, and the new GLP-1 pill is a game changer. Go to roe.co.gov.uk to see if you're eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on Roe. That's roe.co.gov.uk to get started on Roe. Go to roe.co.gov.uk for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. Wait, so tell me about the Crystal Shell show.
Speaker 5:
[37:25] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[37:26] Because when can I see it? Your Netflix is a joke in May.
Speaker 7:
[37:29] Yeah. It's going to be May 7th and 8th at Dynasty Typewriter.
Speaker 5:
[37:32] Okay, baby.
Speaker 6:
[37:33] Is this going to air by then?
Speaker 7:
[37:36] Tracy, please.
Speaker 6:
[37:36] Please, please, please.
Speaker 7:
[37:37] Also May 12th at Largo.
Speaker 6:
[37:40] Okay. Tickets are sold out, I'm assuming. Largo is like 14 people.
Speaker 7:
[37:47] What do you mean 14 people?
Speaker 6:
[37:50] Does Largo have many spaces?
Speaker 7:
[37:51] It's like over 200 seats. Well, all the venues are 200 seaters.
Speaker 6:
[37:56] Okay. So.
Speaker 7:
[37:57] But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats.
Speaker 6:
[38:02] No. I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had 14 seats.
Speaker 7:
[38:08] I have a lot of vulnerability right now.
Speaker 6:
[38:10] I was like Madison Square Garden, the Sofi Stadium.
Speaker 7:
[38:14] I am doing.
Speaker 6:
[38:14] The Colosseum in Rome.
Speaker 7:
[38:16] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[38:17] The Champs-Elysees in Paris, France.
Speaker 7:
[38:19] I love it when you speak French. I love it. And then also Edinburgh. We're doing five shows in Edinburgh and one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater that's 1500 seats. Which I think they're probably going to have to put some curtains up.
Speaker 6:
[38:38] No, they're just gonna put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked.
Speaker 7:
[38:43] Yes, they will. And I will make all their bodies go like this.
Speaker 6:
[38:49] And if they're not bricked, they'll be holding their castrated penises.
Speaker 7:
[38:55] Oh yeah, where are their penises?
Speaker 6:
[38:57] I know, I know. I have a male form. So I did one of my secret shame little hobbies is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret, very secret.
Speaker 7:
[39:10] So how many rhinestones?
Speaker 6:
[39:12] Covered, Concrusted, they're quite beautiful.
Speaker 7:
[39:16] Now when you're working out in the thong, are you working out in front of a full length mirror?
Speaker 6:
[39:21] Of course.
Speaker 7:
[39:22] Yeah, what's the point?
Speaker 6:
[39:23] But I mean, it's like, do I want to stare?
Speaker 8:
[39:26] Oh my God, I'm getting bricked, just thinking about it, I'm working out of this, I'm bricking, I'm bricking. Oh my God. Oh, Katya, look at that shiver, your shivering and shining, and your, how you doing, your clothes?
Speaker 6:
[39:42] Can I get you unbricked for a second?
Speaker 7:
[39:44] Yeah, please, please, please.
Speaker 6:
[39:46] I had to, I took one of the thongs out of my backpack the other day, I had a hand wash of shit stain out of it. How's that? How do you like that one? Because it was a white thong.
Speaker 7:
[39:59] I got a lot of questions.
Speaker 6:
[40:01] I mean, I didn't shit in it, but you know, there was a skid mark.
Speaker 7:
[40:03] Yeah, but something happened.
Speaker 6:
[40:04] It was a skid mark.
Speaker 7:
[40:05] It was a skid mark because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up.
Speaker 6:
[40:09] I gave up.
Speaker 7:
[40:09] Yeah, I do.
Speaker 6:
[40:10] I was like, what? I'd be like, TikTok queries, TikTok.
Speaker 7:
[40:13] I know, you need a bidet.
Speaker 6:
[40:14] Yeah, well, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[40:16] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[40:16] But I do, I need a new home.
Speaker 7:
[40:20] Okay, we're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened?
Speaker 6:
[40:24] I have gotten some of it remodeled and it's just such, oh my God, the people at home, they're gonna just, they're biting down on pills right now to hear about this. No, it's just like an endless, it's an endless slog. But I just, it occurred to me this morning how, how privileged and truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home, whether it's a yurt or like a temporary guest house in Mrs. Roper's backyard or whatever, or who knows what, but like, I wished I could say that when I went home, I was like, honey, I'm home, or like breathe outside and be like, oh, I'm home. Never happens.
Speaker 7:
[41:04] Okay, has it ever happened in your whole life?
Speaker 6:
[41:06] Yes, yes.
Speaker 7:
[41:07] Oh, that's good to know.
Speaker 6:
[41:08] Yes, yes, for sure, for sure. I had a house, bought it for way too much money, sold it for not enough money. I mean, talk about, you wanna talk about real estate deals?
Speaker 7:
[41:19] You're bad at them.
Speaker 6:
[41:19] Oh baby, bad doesn't even begin. Like, I am the worst, so I would often come back to that place and be like, oh, I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts. But like, um.
Speaker 7:
[41:31] Why'd you sell it?
Speaker 6:
[41:34] It's a complicated mixture of, it's a long story. I just like, there were no sidewalks. And I was on drugs. So anyway, so I thought, last night I was up at, I got out of bed at 3.30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house.
Speaker 8:
[42:03] It was a town, Oh God, that's so scary.
Speaker 6:
[42:04] It was a town home or whatever you call it, which is a multi-level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I could swear, I was like, there's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there.
Speaker 7:
[42:19] Oh Jesus.
Speaker 6:
[42:20] So maybe there's a rat.
Speaker 7:
[42:21] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[42:21] Maybe there's a possum.
Speaker 7:
[42:22] There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? Like there's some mojo, like you can get a vibe.
Speaker 6:
[42:29] I have, the vibe is so thick and vicious. And plus like it, I don't know, I probably, I've told the listeners so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer in this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess, the, she was, the part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants, white tight, white t-shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool, very glamorous. And she's like, what? No champagne, no cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this? And then she had had a Catholic priest with her doing, literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought there were evil spirits in there.
Speaker 7:
[43:09] Oh geez.
Speaker 6:
[43:11] Swinging incense.
Speaker 7:
[43:11] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[43:12] I'm not joking.
Speaker 7:
[43:13] And did it feel better afterwards?
Speaker 6:
[43:14] No, I don't know. I left. I was only in the pool.
Speaker 7:
[43:16] Oh, okay.
Speaker 6:
[43:16] But like she was really, really concerned about it.
Speaker 7:
[43:19] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[43:19] And I was like, damn.
Speaker 7:
[43:20] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[43:21] That's pretty, although that's, I feel like that's a level of, that's kind of like a...
Speaker 7:
[43:25] I just want you to find peace at home. I do too. You deserve it. You're a nice person.
Speaker 6:
[43:30] Well, thank you. But do you, um...
Speaker 7:
[43:36] This is my last time on the podcast.
Speaker 6:
[43:39] You have to be complimentary or else.
Speaker 7:
[43:42] Thank you.
Speaker 2:
[43:42] There's no time to...
Speaker 7:
[43:44] That was the one who does not believe it.
Speaker 6:
[43:49] So as you're... So wait, what is the most important part of a trilogy for you?
Speaker 7:
[43:54] Um, I don't know. It's... I mean, that's...
Speaker 6:
[43:57] Do you enjoy trilogies?
Speaker 7:
[43:59] Yeah. It's amazing if they can all three fit together. Yeah. I guess the first one is the most fun because there's more questions unanswered.
Speaker 6:
[44:07] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[44:09] Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come?
Speaker 6:
[44:13] Are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 7:
[44:14] Okay, so it's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad. And yes, and I am the centaur and my...
Speaker 6:
[44:21] Is this one where you do the Swan Lake? Yes.
Speaker 7:
[44:24] And my whole thing is I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody.
Speaker 6:
[44:27] Okay.
Speaker 7:
[44:28] But I'm a centaur.
Speaker 6:
[44:29] And could you please explain to the centaur is half horse, half woman?
Speaker 7:
[44:33] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[44:33] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[44:34] Or a man.
Speaker 6:
[44:34] C-E-N-T-A-U-R.
Speaker 7:
[44:35] Yes, mm-hmm. Anyways, that's the show. And then I have, and then I played with, there's like, it's kind of a musical.
Speaker 6:
[44:45] Uh-oh.
Speaker 7:
[44:46] Swat, I know, but I-
Speaker 6:
[44:47] Watch out, Tonys.
Speaker 7:
[44:49] Oh! Oh! Oh!
Speaker 3:
[44:51] Egot! Egot!
Speaker 7:
[44:54] The songs are pretty good.
Speaker 6:
[44:55] I'm sure they're fucking great.
Speaker 7:
[44:56] But the whole thing is like, you know, I just, you can't control what the audience's experience is with it, right?
Speaker 6:
[45:05] No, you can't. Well, often you can.
Speaker 7:
[45:07] No, no. You know, they're going to take what they...
Speaker 6:
[45:10] Oh, I see. Well, you can control it while they're in the seat, of course, with many different types of technology, but belts and shot collars and stuff. No bones.
Speaker 7:
[45:21] But anyways...
Speaker 6:
[45:21] How many times have you done it?
Speaker 7:
[45:23] Four.
Speaker 6:
[45:24] Jesus! So it's fresh.
Speaker 7:
[45:25] Yeah, it's very fresh. And I'm only going to get to do it three more times. It's hard because I know... Well, and then Edinburgh. Because John Roberts, who plays Linda on Bob's Burgers and is an incredible singer.
Speaker 6:
[45:37] Julia's brother.
Speaker 7:
[45:38] Yes, Julia's brother. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[45:41] They don't talk, but it's fine.
Speaker 7:
[45:42] They don't talk.
Speaker 6:
[45:43] It's fine. It's amicable.
Speaker 7:
[45:44] You know.
Speaker 6:
[45:44] It's a whole thing.
Speaker 7:
[45:45] Jealousy. But he lives in New York. So that's why we only get to do it a few times. And then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit. But anyways, I just wonder if you would like it or not. I would mean a lot to me. I would.
Speaker 6:
[46:00] I am. I am going to.
Speaker 7:
[46:01] Do you want me to comp you or like what is it?
Speaker 8:
[46:03] No.
Speaker 6:
[46:04] So I like so here's.
Speaker 7:
[46:06] I'm doing this for free. Can you use some of that ad money?
Speaker 8:
[46:10] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[46:11] Let's take a break. So I saw I watched last night. Of course, I'm going to fucking come in. Second of all, I will pay my own money.
Speaker 7:
[46:20] Thank you.
Speaker 6:
[46:21] I just recently came into a very small but modest but still impactful windfall.
Speaker 7:
[46:26] You did?
Speaker 6:
[46:26] Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs and I didn't realize that they put my Venmo on the screen.
Speaker 7:
[46:32] I don't know what a wiggle gig is.
Speaker 6:
[46:34] A wiggle gig is when you go out and wiggle.
Speaker 7:
[46:36] Oh my God. Jesus Christ, your tongue. All of it. I know. I'm trying to keep it together.
Speaker 6:
[46:44] But so I've.
Speaker 7:
[46:44] I would totally like give you hundreds of dollars. Well, that's what happened. Were you wearing a sequined thong?
Speaker 6:
[46:50] No. So sadly.
Speaker 7:
[46:53] With the shit stains inside?
Speaker 6:
[46:55] Oh, the shit stains is fine.
Speaker 7:
[46:56] Your secret.
Speaker 6:
[46:57] It's just that it's not a tuck. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been encrusted. So it's untuckable.
Speaker 7:
[47:05] Shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside.
Speaker 6:
[47:08] That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of Christ, lover of life. That's me. So shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside. Maybe that's my Crystal Special.
Speaker 7:
[47:20] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[47:22] Oh God, not a Crystal Special.
Speaker 7:
[47:24] Do it.
Speaker 6:
[47:25] So wait, so you're doing, so back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah, they need my help. Yeah, you're struggling.
Speaker 7:
[47:33] I'm bleeding out on this one. Like it's really expensive.
Speaker 6:
[47:37] I mean, this is like JLo's, this is me dot dot dot now, 20 million, self-financed.
Speaker 7:
[47:41] It really is. It's not like that, but it is a little. It does feel like a midlife crisis show. For sure.
Speaker 6:
[47:51] Well, I'm going to be there of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees. No discount.
Speaker 7:
[47:57] And just like, sorry in advance if you don't like it.
Speaker 6:
[48:01] Listen, I would never, the last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home.
Speaker 7:
[48:06] What was it?
Speaker 6:
[48:07] Well, I was 11 though.
Speaker 7:
[48:08] Oh Jesus, you like everything after that. So I don't trust your opinion at all.
Speaker 6:
[48:12] No, no, no, no, no. Then that was the biggest lesson I've learned to temper my expectations. Yeah, it was a Cirque du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10 and I became completely obsessed. You know, it's like, I don't know, imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves on a different planet and then you found wolves.
Speaker 7:
[48:31] Yeah, yeah, that's how you felt.
Speaker 6:
[48:32] And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God, this, I can't believe it. Anyways, they had another show in 1995, that was in 93, two years of anticipation.
Speaker 7:
[48:41] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[48:41] I mean, I'm talking X-ing off days on the calendar for like nine months.
Speaker 7:
[48:49] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[48:49] We went there. The first moment I was like, it's so small. It's so small. That's it.
Speaker 7:
[49:00] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[49:01] That's it.
Speaker 7:
[49:02] I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like your new house.
Speaker 6:
[49:10] No, but I cried on my home. It's diabolical. And I've since grown to love the show. I saw it five more times. Anyways. Yeah. But so I, I, I, with movies and stuff, you know, I mean, I love, I can't remember the last time I went to the theater and like, was really like, I don't really go to the theater that much. But the chances of the short, long story short, I know too late, that the chances of me not liking your show are so slim.
Speaker 7:
[49:33] That's true.
Speaker 6:
[49:34] You know, come on.
Speaker 7:
[49:35] We kind of get each other.
Speaker 6:
[49:36] Yeah, I feel like we have some, we're both eunuchs. We both have a non-infected copper tube.
Speaker 7:
[49:42] That's why the song fits so good. Non-infected.
Speaker 6:
[49:46] Uninfected copper pee holes. Oh, wait, wait. So I didn't finish.
Speaker 7:
[49:50] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[49:51] The water. So I say if you're pee clear, you must be clear, you know, clear, clear, clear pee equals health. Well, does your shit have to be clear?
Speaker 7:
[50:02] Sure. Okay. I see where we're going.
Speaker 6:
[50:04] So urine is a waste product. And so when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little, they would always love to spout these little pseudo scientific facts and aphorisms about enlightenment or whatever. And so like when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. So I do a little research and there's really no scientific data, peer-reviewed data to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. It's purely temperature regulation.
Speaker 7:
[50:41] It's your skin. Well, yeah. That's like saying like, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to release through my skin. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[50:49] And like the kidney, I'm going to twist my kidneys into it and pump them up into action.
Speaker 7:
[50:53] You know why you guys are so sick? You're not twisting your organs.
Speaker 6:
[50:59] No. So you're joking? That's really what we were hearing.
Speaker 7:
[51:02] Oh, jeez.
Speaker 6:
[51:03] Yeah. Rinsing the organs, like twisting the viscera to detoxify. And through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell bullshit because what is actually in your sweat is you have water, a little bit of salt, and a very, very, very trace amount of chemicals like, I don't know, like, what is it?
Speaker 7:
[51:30] Metal. Metal.
Speaker 6:
[51:30] Yeah, very, very, like-
Speaker 7:
[51:32] Just a little bit of metal.
Speaker 6:
[51:33] Just a little bit of copper, zinc, and aluminum. No, but very, very trace, trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys detoxify your body, and they don't need-
Speaker 7:
[51:41] To sweat it out.
Speaker 6:
[51:42] No, they don't need to sweat it. They don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing, and also can be very invigorating, and nice, fun, little, whatever. But that kind of bullshit makes me, it burns me up.
Speaker 7:
[51:53] Yeah, because they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again.
Speaker 6:
[51:56] Yeah. Oh yeah, and I did. Sometimes it took three hot yoga classes a day, 90 minutes.
Speaker 7:
[52:01] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[52:03] Isn't that insane?
Speaker 7:
[52:04] That is insane. It's insane.
Speaker 6:
[52:07] Go to a 9 a.m., 9 to 10.30, 11.30 to 1, and then I go back from 7.30 to 9. Fucking freak.
Speaker 7:
[52:15] Okay, so what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one?
Speaker 6:
[52:19] Drank water and peed. No. No, it just, but so when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow. It's a waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all courtesy of a doctor I followed online, OBGYN, who is, she's really into debunking myths and like, and like, you know, because so much of TikTok and whatever is like, people are watching 10 second clips and they're like, actually, you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home. Just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean? And that, you know, you get all this info.
Speaker 7:
[52:49] Everybody's got an opinion on both sides. Right, right, right.
Speaker 6:
[52:52] And all a lot of like weird, like, you know, we've, you know, we, I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter a hay and she turned out great. Like, you know, like so, but I, I don't think.
Speaker 7:
[53:01] Were you breastfed?
Speaker 6:
[53:03] I was, yeah, probably by too many breasts.
Speaker 7:
[53:06] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[53:06] I had three moms.
Speaker 7:
[53:07] Oh my God. That's probably why you're so smart.
Speaker 6:
[53:11] Well, I had a, I was a huge baby.
Speaker 7:
[53:12] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[53:13] Yeah. It took a lot, it was a 25-pound baby.
Speaker 8:
[53:17] Oh my God.
Speaker 7:
[53:19] You were 25 pounds coming out.
Speaker 6:
[53:21] No, 25 pounds in the womb.
Speaker 7:
[53:22] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[53:23] And I was like, I think by the time I hit that table, I was like 30. And then it was, can you imagine? That's really big.
Speaker 7:
[53:30] That is a big baby.
Speaker 6:
[53:31] Yeah, no, I was like, I was nine pounds and a couple of ounces, which is still a big baby.
Speaker 7:
[53:34] Ruby was nine, my baby was nine and a half pounds. They were like, do you want to have a natural birth or is it okay if we cut her out? And I was like, let's just cut her out.
Speaker 6:
[53:46] We chop you in half and just pull out, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[53:48] That baby's big.
Speaker 6:
[53:50] Yeah, my child's best frame was 11 pounds.
Speaker 7:
[53:53] I've heard about an 11 pound baby, that's really big. Okay, sorry, back to the pee. God, that's all people want to hear. They're like, hang on the edge of their seat.
Speaker 6:
[54:01] This is your last episode.
Speaker 7:
[54:02] Why do I feel like bouncing on their teeth? Like I just want to know about the pee.
Speaker 6:
[54:07] So, Long Story Short.
Speaker 7:
[54:10] By the way, that's a good TV show.
Speaker 6:
[54:12] No shit.
Speaker 7:
[54:14] Have you been watching it?
Speaker 6:
[54:15] Oh no, it's a real show?
Speaker 7:
[54:16] It's called Long Story Short and it's on Netflix. I'm not involved in it in any way except for it's by the creator of Bull Jack Horseman. And it follows a Jewish family and they time jump. I think it's really brilliant.
Speaker 6:
[54:32] Okay, great. I'm looking for, is it a comedy?
Speaker 7:
[54:34] It's a comedy for adults. I did let Ruby watch the, they're like, ah, orgasm, ejaculate and stuff and I'm like, let's fast forward, you know.
Speaker 6:
[54:47] As far as she's concerned, everybody's a eunuch.
Speaker 7:
[54:50] So that makes no sense. Yeah, you know, she knows what penises are.
Speaker 6:
[54:53] Oh, jeez.
Speaker 7:
[54:53] Yeah, I know. She's seen them and she's jealous that you get about the elegant street.
Speaker 6:
[54:59] So, okay, I have a point on that, which I completely forgot.
Speaker 7:
[55:03] We're everywhere. We need to have a five-hour podcast.
Speaker 6:
[55:07] No, we need to have a hard yoga class.
Speaker 7:
[55:10] I will never do that. I will never do that.
Speaker 6:
[55:13] And I applaud your decision to do that, because you know why, and we'll get back to pee in a second, it is unnecessary.
Speaker 7:
[55:20] It just seems so uncomfortable.
Speaker 6:
[55:22] You have no... So I am the worst. Out of all the people in my life, the only person I know who sweats more than me is my dad. And every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class.
Speaker 7:
[55:34] Just a normal yoga.
Speaker 6:
[55:35] Normal yoga. You could be doing yoga in the Arctic, in the tundra, in our booty shorts, and we'll be sweating our asses off. Imagine a class filled with, a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat, and I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch and a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall. Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six, four. Some people are...
Speaker 7:
[56:01] List all the sizes.
Speaker 6:
[56:02] Yeah, we got five, one. We got five, two. We got five, three. Now, what are all these people doing?
Speaker 7:
[56:07] Sweating.
Speaker 6:
[56:08] Sweating, and not just sweating. When they're, when we're bent over, the sweat is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool.
Speaker 7:
[56:19] It's stinky.
Speaker 6:
[56:21] It's still, it's more than, it doesn't even have the chance to get stinky.
Speaker 7:
[56:24] Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 6:
[56:25] It's just a fucking wet monster. A wall of, a wall of human, hot, wet, nasty. I had to change, I had to bring two thick beach towels to put over my mat because I had to change towels mid-class.
Speaker 7:
[56:39] Right, because you were gonna do two more classes later.
Speaker 6:
[56:42] No, no, for the one class.
Speaker 7:
[56:44] Oh, Jesus.
Speaker 6:
[56:45] Do you have any of the laundry I racked up? Do we know that?
Speaker 7:
[56:47] I mean.
Speaker 6:
[56:48] Crazy. So, so.
Speaker 7:
[56:50] But did you look good, I guess?
Speaker 6:
[56:52] I enjoyed it. I mean, I.
Speaker 7:
[56:53] Yeah, obviously.
Speaker 6:
[56:54] Yeah, and then I got trained to teach it and then I realized.
Speaker 7:
[56:57] You trained to be a hot yoga instructor.
Speaker 6:
[56:59] No, no, just a yoga. Just a, just a yoga.
Speaker 7:
[57:01] Oh, you could teach yoga to me?
Speaker 6:
[57:02] I could, I could reasonably and legally charge you for a yoga class today.
Speaker 7:
[57:08] Now, that would be a fun podcast. Yoga with Katya.
Speaker 6:
[57:12] You know, I try, but get this though.
Speaker 7:
[57:14] You'd have to wear that thong.
Speaker 6:
[57:17] No, no.
Speaker 8:
[57:18] Yes, I paid you money.
Speaker 6:
[57:20] But that's what I will not fall into the trap because every yoga guru turns out to be a Graper. Oh, a Graper. Sorry, Graper.
Speaker 7:
[57:29] Oh, really?
Speaker 6:
[57:30] Yes.
Speaker 7:
[57:30] Oh, I didn't know that.
Speaker 3:
[57:32] Oh, it's.
Speaker 7:
[57:33] Will you be the first?
Speaker 6:
[57:34] I'd be the first.
Speaker 7:
[57:35] To not be.
Speaker 6:
[57:35] I'd be the first non-graping, crystal-thong wearing day guru.
Speaker 7:
[57:40] I feel like if you were teaching me and your thong was just like catching the light is a prism that would take my mind away from how boring yoga was.
Speaker 6:
[57:50] Well, see, I'm going to counter your suggestion and suggest that we swap the lululemon and the aloe or wherever the fuck you saw all the fancy neoprene athleisure stuff. We do all crystal accessories like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal whatever is for the students.
Speaker 7:
[58:07] OK, I have another question. Is it sharp?
Speaker 6:
[58:11] Great question.
Speaker 7:
[58:12] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[58:13] It is. So if for when we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting, it's not going to be the most comfortable. And it because these stones are glass.
Speaker 7:
[58:23] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[58:24] If you fall, say you're rolling and one happens to break, it is a dangerous opportunity.
Speaker 7:
[58:32] We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequins. Little ones with some foam around each one.
Speaker 6:
[58:40] Or we could do a metallic, very reflective kind of like stretchy nylon.
Speaker 7:
[58:46] That's been done.
Speaker 6:
[58:47] Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 7:
[58:48] Thank you.
Speaker 6:
[58:48] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 7:
[58:50] We're like broaching new fashion here.
Speaker 6:
[58:52] So maybe it's like you protect your inner thighs. That's not my problem.
Speaker 7:
[58:56] That is your problem if you're going to go public.
Speaker 6:
[59:02] It's all underground.
Speaker 7:
[59:04] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[59:06] So my pee is yellow.
Speaker 7:
[59:07] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[59:07] And I am not ashamed of that.
Speaker 7:
[59:09] Yeah. No, no, no.
Speaker 6:
[59:10] Because I drink when I'm thirsty.
Speaker 7:
[59:12] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[59:12] And that's why.
Speaker 7:
[59:13] How often are you thirsty?
Speaker 6:
[59:17] Right now.
Speaker 7:
[59:19] Yeah. Cheers.
Speaker 6:
[59:21] To your last podcast ever.
Speaker 7:
[59:24] Thank God.
Speaker 6:
[59:24] Yeah. I shared enough. Yeah. One is good. Two is great. Three is enough. So you're excited. I mean, so are you, the ongoing projects though, like Louise Belcher, is that still, is that old hat?
Speaker 7:
[59:42] It's still going. It's still awesome.
Speaker 6:
[59:43] It's still awesome. Do you still love it?
Speaker 7:
[59:45] I still love it.
Speaker 6:
[59:45] I mean, voice work, it must be amazing. Do you wear, what do you wear? Do you dress up like tuxedo pants and everything?
Speaker 7:
[59:51] Yeah. Tuxedo pants and everything.
Speaker 6:
[59:56] Tuxedo pants and everything else I have in my closet.
Speaker 7:
[59:58] Yeah. You know, I have a lot of really, I like clothes a lot. And I collect them. I would say that would be what I collect is clothes. And when I get excited, cause I might think of a new clothing item, I imagine myself in the future wearing it and I'm having a great time in my fantasy. And then, and I need to start having fantasies of me in my old clothes though, no, no, no, that's okay.
Speaker 6:
[60:29] That will happen naturally. That will happen naturally. I really relate and I have part of like, I was, this is one of the questions I was thinking about on the way here, I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff. I think hobbies are important. And it's, I think it's like, if you, like Trixie, for example, most of her hobbies, she's ingeniously found a way to monetize, which is incredible, you know.
Speaker 7:
[60:52] So are they hobbies anymore?
Speaker 6:
[60:53] No, I would, I would argue that they're not.
Speaker 7:
[60:55] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[60:56] But they're also really not, because they've become enmeshed in her professional persona, whatever, and she makes money from them, I think that's not a hobby. You spend money on a hobby.
Speaker 7:
[61:05] Yeah, you spend money on a hobby, like my show, The Legend of Crystal Shell.
Speaker 6:
[61:08] No, no, no, you're gonna, that's gonna, I mean, that's gonna get you out of debt, it's gotta be. I mean, because I'm gonna buy the whole theater.
Speaker 7:
[61:19] Oh, you know, I like to draw.
Speaker 6:
[61:21] Okay.
Speaker 7:
[61:24] And I think writing is a hobby, too, for me, since I don't get paid for that, but I'd like to. Well, boy, would I like to.
Speaker 6:
[61:31] I want to, I started, so I have, I make clothes.
Speaker 7:
[61:34] You do not.
Speaker 6:
[61:35] I do. And I, did I wear it?
Speaker 7:
[61:37] Are you wearing anything? Everything is very well-tailored on you.
Speaker 6:
[61:40] No, no, no, no, no, these are skin, but look at that.
Speaker 7:
[61:42] Oh, whoops.
Speaker 6:
[61:42] Yeah, it's laundry day, it's laundry day. But you know what, I know, I know.
Speaker 7:
[61:44] It's got two different, smiley different pair of socks.
Speaker 6:
[61:47] It's not an affectation.
Speaker 7:
[61:48] Kind of an olive greenish gray and then a black sock.
Speaker 6:
[61:52] Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? It's a diabolical.
Speaker 7:
[61:54] But you know what, it kind of goes with the, with the, you know, what do they call that?
Speaker 6:
[62:01] Plaid?
Speaker 7:
[62:01] No, you know when you get your hair, it's something a U, where you get your hair, kind of like goes from one color. It's got an ombre, I feel like it's an ombre situation.
Speaker 6:
[62:09] And I got, somebody gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road. If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say like, what's your favorite movie? You say The Mirror by Tarkovsky. And then that's like sure fire way to be like, oh wow, you're cool. You're cool, man. Really cool. Sorry about that. But I got, so the point is.
Speaker 7:
[62:29] Glass one.
Speaker 6:
[62:33] Precious moments, and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you because I got a cover stitch, so I love sewing costumes, stage wear, but I'm branching out. I'm just taking off all my clothes.
Speaker 8:
[62:45] Do not stop talking. Okay.
Speaker 6:
[62:49] So I got a cover stitch.
Speaker 7:
[62:50] Ooh, I like your tattoos.
Speaker 6:
[62:51] Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time.
Speaker 7:
[62:53] You do?
Speaker 6:
[62:54] No, no, no. But so see this stitch right here? This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, let's say, right, yeah. That's a cover stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most like-
Speaker 7:
[63:07] They fold it and they double stitch it.
Speaker 6:
[63:09] So like a knit, like I, sewing as a hobby. Oh my God. So fascinating because you will never be great at it. Like, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. One, one, one, one, one. One will never be great. Like it's such a, it's such a broad, like there's so many like different elements to it. And there are, you know, people who are, who devote their entire lives to like a certain fabric. Do you know what I mean? Like, like lace appliques or embroidery or whatever. So it's like something that is really, really daunting, but you will, it's always challenging. It'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a serger, which means I could make a t-shirt like this.
Speaker 7:
[63:57] Oh, wow.
Speaker 6:
[63:59] And I'm talking, I'm talking like for real though.
Speaker 7:
[64:02] No, I know. What about screen printing?
Speaker 6:
[64:05] That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawer and I do have access to puffy paint. Yeah, I drew this one. Oh yeah, nice.
Speaker 7:
[64:17] She's scary. That's good. Yeah, it's very scary. I have to have it on you, I guess.
Speaker 6:
[64:31] So basically, it's coming on Friday. I can't fucking wait.
Speaker 7:
[64:36] Because you know too, with t-shirts, they're my favorite garment, but it's the material. I'll go to a show, I always want to buy a t-shirt at shows and then the material is rough and I never wear them.
Speaker 6:
[64:48] Or what you could do is like, your favorite band is playing at the garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is an XL. You're like, god damn it!
Speaker 7:
[65:00] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[65:00] You fucking bring that XL blouse over to me.
Speaker 7:
[65:03] I'm gonna bring it to Katya.
Speaker 6:
[65:04] And I'm going to slice it and dice it and serge it and coverstitch it to fit your tiny sexualized, oversexualized by Hollywood body.
Speaker 7:
[65:17] Well, so the sewing, my mom is a sewer and it's, you know, it's hard to find. It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like we have to go, she lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only store that will fix her sewing machine. And you know what I mean?
Speaker 6:
[65:36] Yeah, I do, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[65:36] I'm sure in LA it's a little bit better.
Speaker 6:
[65:39] Well, it's a little bit better, not since all this drama with ICE and everything, because the downtown area has been a very different story.
Speaker 7:
[65:48] Yes, of course.
Speaker 6:
[65:49] And like I have personally, there have been people that, friends of mine, I have known who I have not heard from in a minute. Not saying that, whatever.
Speaker 7:
[65:57] Well, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you.
Speaker 6:
[66:07] So it's like, you know, it's a whole different thing. But yeah, there's a ton of, there's a guy, Carlos, who I had an industrial, the hard thing about sewing is that the gear gets really expensive. It's like photography. I could never afford photography in high school because the lab fees were so expensive. So expensive. I mean, in college, I mean.
Speaker 7:
[66:27] It's shocking how, because I remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever, and I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards? I was like, what?
Speaker 6:
[66:38] The fabric don't even get me started. I'm talking about this machines. I went to Mood Fabrics, which is like, I think they're made famous by Project Runway.
Speaker 7:
[66:46] Of course. We're going to Mood. I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there.
Speaker 6:
[66:53] Mood is, when I walk into Mood, I got to do double panties for the brickness. Because it's like, and I always end up making the most horrible choices. I need to go in there with two chaperones.
Speaker 7:
[67:07] Yeah, you need a friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 6:
[67:08] Because I either buy something that's so dazzling, but the wrong color or whatever. I bought four yards of trim at $150 a yard.
Speaker 7:
[67:17] Oh my God.
Speaker 6:
[67:19] That is very, that's trim. That's just trim.
Speaker 7:
[67:22] Yikes.
Speaker 6:
[67:23] Gorgeous.
Speaker 7:
[67:25] For what are you putting it on?
Speaker 6:
[67:26] I don't know. And that's the problem. There's no vision.
Speaker 7:
[67:30] Would it go on pillows?
Speaker 6:
[67:33] Oh, no, no. This is for costumes, stage wear.
Speaker 7:
[67:35] Oh, so trimming like sleeves, like cowboy? What's going on?
Speaker 6:
[67:39] So I'm in an era of my life. I'm sorry to make it all about me on your last episode. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Speaker 7:
[67:45] You are the star. I've only got this show, The Legend of Crystal Shell, which I've been told is highly entertaining but maybe not very deep by my high school friend.
Speaker 6:
[67:59] Very not deep?
Speaker 7:
[68:01] Well, it might not be deep enough for some people, but it's deep to me.
Speaker 6:
[68:04] Maybe they lack the bandwidth to plunge to the depths that it requires to go.
Speaker 7:
[68:10] The show is, my agent said, we watched Mike Birbiglia's show and she's like, I need you to do something like this. And I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response and it is actually very autobiographical, all the way through.
Speaker 6:
[68:25] Do you love doing it? You've done it four times.
Speaker 7:
[68:27] I've done it four times, I love it. Wait, yes, I love it, I love it. Come, come, come.
Speaker 6:
[68:31] And this is serious. Talk to that one.
Speaker 7:
[68:39] Oh, she can't do it. There's one person here.
Speaker 6:
[68:40] No, no, no, we'll do it in post. We'll do it in post.
Speaker 3:
[68:42] Okay, oh, cement.
Speaker 6:
[68:43] And just like, please, for the price of about 15 lattes, you and a friend who also buy 15 lattes could attend one of the most, not one of the most, surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal, often imitated, often tried to duplicate it, but she's inimitable and indubitable. And it is her swan song, her last show, her last project.
Speaker 7:
[69:14] Yeah. God, you might be right.
Speaker 6:
[69:17] No, no. So you have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a unit.
Speaker 7:
[69:22] Oh, by the way, great words.
Speaker 6:
[69:27] Tell the dates again.
Speaker 7:
[69:27] May 7th and 8th at Dynasty Typewriter and May 12th at Largo.
Speaker 6:
[69:32] And you could think about it as a birthday present for me, because my birthday is on them first. So a lot of people...
Speaker 7:
[69:38] Happy birthday.
Speaker 6:
[69:39] Thank you.
Speaker 7:
[69:40] Do you want to hear the birthday song my husband and I made up to sing? 5, 6, 7, 8. Birthday boy, birthday fun, birthday... You can also say girl. Birthday girl, birthday fun, birthday girl, you're number one. Happy birthday. Love you. It's interchangeable.
Speaker 5:
[69:59] I love that. Love that.
Speaker 7:
[70:01] Just cut that up. Ugh, gross. God, ugh, the flop sweat. Speaking of, I learned about flop sweat yoga.
Speaker 6:
[70:12] Well, funny to say that, I taught, my first and only class I taught was co-taught with a girl, guess what it was called?
Speaker 7:
[70:21] Flop sweat.
Speaker 6:
[70:21] Queer yoga. Now what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay? Nobody asked, nobody answered.
Speaker 7:
[70:31] But they showed up, they showed up.
Speaker 6:
[70:33] A few people did, it was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time, total disaster. What won't be a disaster is your show.
Speaker 7:
[70:39] Thank you, but can we just, cause Tracy's like kicking me off the show and like there's like security guards at the door.
Speaker 6:
[70:45] I don't think this is being recorded right now, yeah. We have a Lincoln Town car, it's not an SUV, I'm so sorry. But they have air conditioning.
Speaker 7:
[70:52] Okay, you said you're in a new era, and then I interrupted or something and I want to know what the fringe of the material from Mood, you're in a new era sewing-wise and please, we have to.
Speaker 6:
[71:07] Okay, so I got this, the most incredible, I'm gonna show it to you because this is the inspiration, although this will, you know when that whole, that stupid meme of like, when I ordered it and then when it actually came.
Speaker 7:
[71:19] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[71:19] Like from Gucci, from Amazon, you know, that kind of thing. My friend just called me. The inspo, this is what I'm trying to do. So these jewels, see that gorgeous, like glittery, like sheer mesh thing. Look at that, look at that, look at that. The problem with that is that she has this jeweled underwire bra that are propping up her large breasts.
Speaker 7:
[71:49] Right, so it's a bigger structure.
Speaker 6:
[71:51] And she's got large breasts in a very tiny waist and a very live body.
Speaker 7:
[71:55] But you could have all those things.
Speaker 6:
[71:57] Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I went to Mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that look, spend about $900.
Speaker 7:
[72:06] That's nothing at Mood.
Speaker 6:
[72:07] That's nothing, it's literally nothing at Mood.
Speaker 7:
[72:08] They're probably mad at you.
Speaker 6:
[72:10] It was probably more than that. But it was like, but yeah, so, and I get it in the, but I get it in blush, like a champagne blush.
Speaker 7:
[72:18] No, no, no.
Speaker 6:
[72:20] That's gonna make me look fat as a house.
Speaker 7:
[72:22] It's not gonna pop. You know, it's just gonna like, it's gonna sparkle. It's gonna blend with your skin tone.
Speaker 6:
[72:26] No shit, it's like, what are you thinking?
Speaker 7:
[72:29] What happened? I don't know, I was in a, Did the blush look good on the shelf at least?
Speaker 6:
[72:33] It looked fabulous on the shelf. What is gonna look like me is trash. I should have got a green.
Speaker 7:
[72:38] What, like this, like this?
Speaker 6:
[72:39] No, no, it's gonna, it's like, More berry? No, no, it's like a champagne. Like a champagne, it's like, what the? It's almost like, It's like, are you tan? No, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[72:47] You got a tan?
Speaker 6:
[72:48] I got a tan, stop screwing up my touch.
Speaker 7:
[72:50] Beige, you got beige.
Speaker 6:
[72:51] No, it's a champagne.
Speaker 7:
[72:53] Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless with a bit of beige.
Speaker 6:
[72:58] It's like a rosé, a blush, a rose. It's like a sparkling wine.
Speaker 7:
[73:01] Okay, rosé, rosé, orange.
Speaker 6:
[73:02] The point is, it's not slimming. It's going to offer no contrast. It's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. It was a big mistake, huge.
Speaker 7:
[73:16] Can you return?
Speaker 6:
[73:17] Absolutely not. All sales are final.
Speaker 7:
[73:19] And this is a silly question, but can you diet in any way?
Speaker 6:
[73:23] My roommate, or my studio mate who just called me, his answer would be like, of course you can.
Speaker 7:
[73:28] Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[73:28] No. He thinks he could die anything.
Speaker 7:
[73:30] Right.
Speaker 6:
[73:30] Yeah.
Speaker 7:
[73:30] But no?
Speaker 6:
[73:31] No, absolutely not.
Speaker 7:
[73:32] Could you put, okay, last question. Could you put like-
Speaker 6:
[73:35] I could trade.
Speaker 7:
[73:35] Cause is it a little bit translucent at all?
Speaker 6:
[73:39] Oh, well it's a mesh.
Speaker 7:
[73:41] Right.
Speaker 6:
[73:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 7:
[73:41] So the color under.
Speaker 6:
[73:43] Yeah, but then now we're adding bulk to an already-
Speaker 7:
[73:47] But you need that structure.
Speaker 6:
[73:48] Well, right, but I've already got an under structure. This is, I know that people are biting on pills in the car right now.
Speaker 7:
[73:54] I know they are. We've lost them. We lost them so long ago, though. I don't even care.
Speaker 6:
[73:59] Yeah, I was like, oh, fuck yourself. This is the last-
Speaker 7:
[74:01] Yeah, this is for us.
Speaker 5:
[74:02] This is the last round.
Speaker 7:
[74:04] I'll never see Katya again.
Speaker 6:
[74:05] But it's going to be a challenge. Like the team goes, does honors- I don't even know how he talks. I haven't seen the show, but-
Speaker 7:
[74:10] You haven't seen the show?
Speaker 6:
[74:11] No.
Speaker 7:
[74:11] Oh, it's so fun.
Speaker 6:
[74:12] I'm sure it is.
Speaker 7:
[74:13] I saw it when I was younger. I was like there for the first season.
Speaker 6:
[74:17] Well, the point is my cover-
Speaker 7:
[74:18] I was on it.
Speaker 6:
[74:18] Stitch machine and- Just kidding. I won. Three times.
Speaker 7:
[74:23] But- Boring.
Speaker 6:
[74:26] So what I'm going to do when I come to see your show, at the Dynasty Typewriter and at the Netflix is a Joke thing.
Speaker 7:
[74:31] No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo.
Speaker 6:
[74:34] At Largo, but for the Netflix is a Joke?
Speaker 7:
[74:35] It's part of Netflix is a Joke.
Speaker 6:
[74:36] But that thing is like some amorphous-
Speaker 7:
[74:38] They care more about Seth Rogen show, don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no.
Speaker 6:
[74:44] Oh, wait, can I share some personal triumph? Of course. I know we're going along, I don't care.
Speaker 7:
[74:50] Oh, Ruby sitting in the school office. Go on.
Speaker 8:
[74:53] Oh my God, that's right.
Speaker 7:
[74:53] You're going to pick up your child.
Speaker 8:
[74:54] Okay, okay, okay. We're going to go. I forgot too.
Speaker 7:
[74:59] Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 6:
[74:59] Babies. Okay, go get your eight-year-old, but one thing, one last thing. We're playing a show at the Wiltern, Bald and the Beautiful live at the Wiltern. But just recently at the Wiltern, that woman I just showed you, that's a singer from Russia, we're from Ukraine. I saw her live recently, great, lovely, kinda.
Speaker 7:
[75:19] Is she a fan of you?
Speaker 6:
[75:20] I don't think so. I did a parody of her song that I think she doesn't think is that fun, but I'm not sure about that. But her publicist did give me free tickets, so.
Speaker 7:
[75:29] That sounds.
Speaker 6:
[75:30] Yeah. But I, so I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Vera Kostyrdiuchka with a, this, she looks, very, very quickly, I swear, I won't keep you. She looks so insane.
Speaker 7:
[75:44] Can I lift up your sleeve?
Speaker 6:
[75:45] Please.
Speaker 7:
[75:46] Oh, God. Your tattoos are really fun.
Speaker 6:
[75:50] They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Speaker 7:
[75:57] Hit the stitch now.
Speaker 6:
[75:58] So that's her.
Speaker 7:
[75:59] Oh, I like that. I like that hat. Yeah.
Speaker 6:
[76:02] So she was in the movie Spy.
Speaker 7:
[76:04] Okay.
Speaker 6:
[76:04] She had a cameo in the movie Spy. And when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out and she's a man in a fat suit with like an aunt. She plays an auntie character, a full band plugged in. I mean, saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like, or the band was probably 15 people with including dancers and just like, it was nonstop, high energy, 40, like a 90 minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring that during the encore halfway through, I had to make my way to the back cause I had a headache. I was so like, like geeked and gooned. So I would just say, you know.
Speaker 7:
[76:51] It's your Cirque du Soleil now.
Speaker 6:
[76:53] Yes, exactly. So I was, you know, it defied expectations. And I know that's what your show is going to do.
Speaker 7:
[76:59] Good, good, well, oh, wow. You tied it up real pretty.
Speaker 6:
[77:03] So please go visit Kristen Schaal at Crystal Shell. The, how do you, wait, what is it?
Speaker 7:
[77:07] It's the Legend of Crystal Shell.
Speaker 5:
[77:11] She concanically admits.
Speaker 7:
[77:14] There's no website for it.
Speaker 6:
[77:17] We'll have all the details and this will come out soon.
Speaker 7:
[77:19] You can get, you can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram.
Speaker 6:
[77:22] There you go.
Speaker 7:
[77:23] And as soon as I show in someday, I'm gonna take Instagram and I'm gonna light it on fire cause I'm so done with social media.
Speaker 6:
[77:30] Oh, you and me both. I have another Instagram that I look at football butts and that's about it.
Speaker 7:
[77:35] That's great, but do you notice that it's like taking over your brain? Like a real parasite.
Speaker 6:
[77:40] Are you kidding me?
Speaker 7:
[77:41] I mean, I'm scared.
Speaker 6:
[77:42] Are you kidding me? It's like, what's wrong with this?
Speaker 7:
[77:48] It's like, oh, wait, let me text back, let me text back the...
Speaker 6:
[77:53] Oh, yeah. Hold on. I just need to...
Speaker 8:
[77:56] What happened? What happened?
Speaker 6:
[77:59] I just need to remove this node from a patient's esophagus. It's crazy.
Speaker 7:
[78:05] It's crazy. People on the street.
Speaker 6:
[78:07] On the street, in the bathroom?
Speaker 7:
[78:08] People crossing the street.
Speaker 6:
[78:09] During sex, gay sex.
Speaker 7:
[78:12] Are you kidding me right now?
Speaker 6:
[78:14] It's a whole nother can of worms, which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. But thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 7:
[78:19] Sorry, but they... If you were doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex.
Speaker 6:
[78:26] Jail. Yeah. Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolle book, The Power of Now.
Speaker 7:
[78:32] Yeah. Beautiful. Goodbye, everybody. It's been nice.
Speaker 6:
[78:35] Thank you. This is the Avengers end game.
Speaker 7:
[78:38] Yes.
Speaker 6:
[78:39] This is our Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 7:
[78:41] Well, I don't understand why I can't come back someday.
Speaker 6:
[78:44] Well, we'd have to do a reboot in Hollywood.
Speaker 5:
[78:48] Loves that.
Speaker 7:
[78:49] It's because Trixie hates me. It's like only when Trixie's gone.
Speaker 6:
[78:54] Well, we'll have to do. She'll she'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I won't love it.
Speaker 7:
[78:59] Thank you so much, guys.
Speaker 6:
[79:00] No, thank you. Bye.