transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:00] Hey everybody, thanks for watching the podcast. The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming to an end. We got Larchwood, Iowa, this Friday, Grand Falls Casino. And then I'm gonna be running my hour in Omaha, Nebraska, one of my favorite clubs, the Omaha Funny Bone. I'm gonna be there May 15th and 16th for four shows. I'm bringing Sag Daddy to God. We're having a hell of a time. And then if you live in the New Jersey area, I'm gonna be there in June at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center on June 5th. That's Friday, June 5th, one show. And then the tour is over. dansoder.com, all tickets are available right now. Please go get them and I'll see you on the road before I film this hour. I'm very proud of it. I think you'll like it. And then the new stuff. And then the new stuff. But thanks for watching the podcast. I hope you're doing good. You never know what someone has going on inside their own head, but you also sometimes don't take into account what you have going on inside your own head.
Speaker 2:
[01:10] But it's show business, and what people have going on inside their own head is like, oh, you're a nightmare.
Speaker 1:
[01:16] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[01:17] You're my living hell.
Speaker 1:
[01:19] If they did an updated version of that Mel Gibson movie, What Women Wanted, but it's just in the entertainment industry, it'd be a horror film.
Speaker 2:
[01:30] That, and I've always wanted to remake Falling Down.
Speaker 1:
[01:33] Yeah, with Michael Douglas.
Speaker 2:
[01:35] I mean, it's a pretty funny movie.
Speaker 1:
[01:37] It is very funny.
Speaker 2:
[01:37] If you take out the end where he's just trying to see his daughter or whatever, the rest of it's you're like, yeah, get him.
Speaker 1:
[01:43] The McDonald scene.
Speaker 2:
[01:44] Yeah. No, that's all of us. You cut that out, that's all of us.
Speaker 1:
[01:49] Have you ever seen someone's bit and you can pinpoint the start of where that bit began, where you went like, I bet that happened to you, and then you got all the rest of this bit.
Speaker 2:
[01:57] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[01:57] Falling down that McDonald scene, I went, that probably happened to you, and then you wrote this whole entire movie.
Speaker 2:
[02:02] You know what? I got a couple other grievances, a couple other things.
Speaker 1:
[02:07] Who could string this together?
Speaker 2:
[02:08] I was doing an alimony payment, I was having a rough day, I missed breakfast at McDonald's. You know, I can get 90 pages out of this.
Speaker 1:
[02:16] Yeah. Like that movie specifically, you see that McDonald scene and you're like, that had to be the inspirado.
Speaker 2:
[02:22] Well, I've always thought you could redo it as a comedy if it's just a day of frustrations, of traffic and everything. It's real funny in its own right, except now the whole, and I want to get a gun and shoot up places, people do that now.
Speaker 1:
[02:38] Oh, God.
Speaker 2:
[02:40] That part.
Speaker 1:
[02:41] Let a white boy get some motion.
Speaker 2:
[02:45] We got a heart out there too. Would you want to make McMuffin at 11 o'clock?
Speaker 1:
[02:49] You could argue that every Ben Stiller movie is falling down but funny. Every character.
Speaker 2:
[02:56] What's the one where he makes friends with Adam Driver, like the hipsters?
Speaker 1:
[03:00] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[03:00] When y'all were young.
Speaker 1:
[03:01] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[03:02] And it is a little bit like, oh, yeah, look, there was a little bit of element there.
Speaker 1:
[03:06] But there is, like, Meet the Fockers and stuff. Just everything he's disrespected.
Speaker 2:
[03:11] Falling down with Ben Stiller. Honestly, it works.
Speaker 1:
[03:14] I think you could do it. I think it's seamless where you put him in the same position and you go, it's just funny.
Speaker 2:
[03:20] Yeah, yeah. Just turn it up a little. You just have to lose the weird flat top. Lose the Michael Douglas emo glasses flat top.
Speaker 1:
[03:27] That's what makes it a drama.
Speaker 2:
[03:29] Let Stiller get flushed. You know what he does. You let him do what he does.
Speaker 1:
[03:33] Wind him up.
Speaker 2:
[03:33] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[03:34] Let's make it be funny.
Speaker 2:
[03:36] Ben, we just need classic you right now. You already know the scene.
Speaker 1:
[03:40] And Ben. That's how they direct it.
Speaker 2:
[03:43] And you do the thing you do.
Speaker 1:
[03:46] Yeah, because that is one of those movies where the older you get and the more frustrated by smaller stuff you get, falling down becomes less and less of a drama and more of a just.
Speaker 2:
[03:56] Somebody had the bit. It was about, what was the, Gran Torino. They're like, Gran Torino, that's my grandfather, except he thinks that movie's real funny. I forget who's bit it was. And you gotta laugh out of everybody. Yeah. I laughed at some of the wrong parts of that.
Speaker 1:
[04:15] I mean, that movie, what's crazy about Clint Eastwood is, you would think at that age that he acted and directed it, that would have been his last movie, but he just stays alive. Like the sister in Pet Sematary. He's just so gross and weird.
Speaker 2:
[04:32] There was some picture, like you could tell he had, like is the thin and the pants were just buckled, hanging onto the last rib sticking out. That's the only way they're staying up.
Speaker 1:
[04:42] Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2:
[04:43] He's yelling action.
Speaker 1:
[04:44] He's like, I don't like it.
Speaker 2:
[04:46] He doesn't have the cone, the old-timey bullhorn.
Speaker 1:
[04:50] How am I supposed to talk to the actors if they can't?
Speaker 2:
[04:54] Where's the crank on this camera? No.
Speaker 1:
[04:56] People freak, the Obama empty chair thing was so funny in hindsight. I mean, and when you watch it, it's just so, it's such a bomb. Go back and watch it now. Now that everything's on fire, go back and watch that. Because you go back and you watch that and you go, oh man, this was so much better entertainment.
Speaker 2:
[05:17] Pop pop going a little nutty on this one. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[05:19] Well, I'll tell you, Obama.
Speaker 2:
[05:24] It's the one when the grandkids are like, no, let him run away.
Speaker 1:
[05:26] Yeah, dude. But they're holding it in.
Speaker 2:
[05:29] Yeah, it's sad. No, it's sad. You can choose to be sad.
Speaker 1:
[05:31] They go, I don't know, Judy won't shut up. She's crying. She can't let him do this. And you're going, he thinks he's there.
Speaker 2:
[05:37] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[05:39] Or if you put an earpiece in him, like fucked with him, and then just someone did an Obama where they're like, oh, fuck you. And he's like, I didn't say that. Actually, I think you're a pussy in those spaghetti Westerns. He's like, this whole dollar's more like a fistful of shit. I'll get you Obama. Obama.
Speaker 2:
[06:03] Now, yeah, just a Bluetooth speaker in his bedroom.
Speaker 1:
[06:05] That's what it is. That's. We're not taking advantage of pranking the elderly as much as we should be. They're on the edge.
Speaker 2:
[06:13] OK.
Speaker 1:
[06:14] They're living too long.
Speaker 2:
[06:15] I'm going to let you defend this standpoint.
Speaker 1:
[06:16] They're living too long.
Speaker 2:
[06:18] We need a long sip of my water. Well, you go ahead and say we should be we should be pulling the wool over these oldies eyes.
Speaker 1:
[06:25] Why are we just selling them gold? We could be selling them everything. Dreams and hopes.
Speaker 2:
[06:30] They fall for tons of shit.
Speaker 1:
[06:32] You leave going, I didn't know Soder was a rub my hands kind of gather, I have a plan kind of guy. Oh, Kyle, we can take all that money.
Speaker 2:
[06:40] If you had your will in place when it was supposed to be in place, you wouldn't have to worry about people like us coming through and feel free.
Speaker 1:
[06:47] Maybe if you didn't go to that, maybe if you went to that notary.
Speaker 2:
[06:50] Yeah. Yeah. You remember how your grandkids will get your paperwork in order, but you didn't? That's what we're doing now.
Speaker 1:
[06:55] My grandmother hit an age where it became like she was refusing to take. I got her in home care so a nurse would come by. She was like 94, 95 when this is happening.
Speaker 2:
[07:06] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[07:07] She wanted to live alone. I talked to a doctor who said that's really good for their mental health if they can live in their own house because they know where everything is and they're in grooves. Going to the kitchen, they know how to make coffee and shit. Because she got COVID and I was like, is this when I should put her in a home?
Speaker 2:
[07:23] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[07:24] He was like, no, no, no. Keep her in there, but get her in home care or whatever. Then I started noticing like, dude, my grandma has zero idea what's going on in the world around. She was just absolutely locked in in a way, but she wouldn't sign over power of attorney. She treated me like I was a 10-year-old boy.
Speaker 2:
[07:48] Did she know what that meant?
Speaker 1:
[07:50] She was still with it. I was like, hey, power of attorney, if something medically happens to you, I can come in. Right now, I don't have any power.
Speaker 2:
[07:57] I can add Bluetooth speakers under your bed.
Speaker 1:
[07:59] That's what I want to do. That's what this paperwork says. Play Monster Mash and hope that you have a heart attack. No, but it became a point where this was hilarious to me because she wouldn't go with me on it. I would visit her and be like, hey, I need you to get these power of attorney things. Then she'd be like, why? I'd be like, well, in case something happened. She'd be like, why? And she always was like, no. And then she met my fiance and trusted her way more. And she was like, I'll sign him, but Katie has to be there. And I'm like, you don't think I could just pick up some strumpet to lie and work? You dumb asshole, I should have ripped you off. Because she eventually signed him and went to the notary, but the whole time she's like, I'll only do it if Katie's there.
Speaker 2:
[08:44] What a witness, what a trustworthy witness.
Speaker 1:
[08:46] I'd be like, no wonder our family has so many fucking issues. My grandmother wouldn't even be like, no, this is just in case if I have to pull the plug, which I did, no. I did.
Speaker 2:
[08:57] My grandmother, she was mid-90s, and I guess my dad went over there one day, she was just sitting on the top of the stairs, was like, sat down, was like, done, and that's how she died.
Speaker 1:
[09:06] No way.
Speaker 2:
[09:07] Was, yeah, in her own house.
Speaker 1:
[09:08] Just sat down at the top of the stairs?
Speaker 2:
[09:09] Just sat down at the top of the stairs, was like, I'm out.
Speaker 1:
[09:12] That is the greatest exit.
Speaker 2:
[09:14] Kind of hardcore, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[09:15] That's the way you want to go.
Speaker 2:
[09:17] Yeah, got my first Playboys from my grandmother. Me and my cousin, me and my cousin were doing yard work, she was doing one of those things like, we'd just throw cherry tomatoes at each other, and then she'd give us 50 bucks. But then we'd come in neatly with twine, organized stacks of Playboys from decades. My grandfather had passed at this point, and he was like, well, your grandfather's dead, I don't know what to do with this. And I was like 15.
Speaker 1:
[09:39] Perfect.
Speaker 2:
[09:40] I mean, you're running on a bum. I was late to the game of getting my own stash at 15 years old.
Speaker 1:
[09:45] Yeah, I'm trying to think how.
Speaker 2:
[09:47] You know, the woodland, the classic woodland pornography existed, but this was for me. And me and my cousin were like, she's still with it. Like, she's not cuckoo like this. And we had so many, like we were just putting them in the trunk, like, are you calling our parents?
Speaker 1:
[10:04] You think it's a set up. You hit her chest to make sure she doesn't have a wire on.
Speaker 2:
[10:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[10:08] What are you, a fed?
Speaker 2:
[10:09] What do you think?
Speaker 1:
[10:10] Yeah, she goes, also, I got this chronic blunt. You want to smoke the, you want to smoke the stickiest of Vicky?
Speaker 2:
[10:17] I mixed my pills again. You just sort them out for me.
Speaker 1:
[10:20] Take a handful. Feel what it was like in the 30s.
Speaker 2:
[10:24] We had so many bundles that we tried to trade them at like this dirt bag go-kart track. We can't all, we can't just walk into our homes with this. We have parents that are home. So we're trying to give, I remember it was called, not Sylvester, Sylvester's Race Karts, Melrose Park, Illinois. Just an empty lot with spare tires and a guy with like two go-karts. Some old Pollock with like a spiderweb tattoo across his chest.
Speaker 1:
[10:50] But this is, this always goes to my, the rule that we need, our golden rule needs to come back of if you own it, you need to work there. Because now, I don't need to go to some super clean indoor track owned by a financial private firm that's never had it.
Speaker 2:
[11:05] Yeah, private equity, the dads smacking their kids, because this is the path to NASCAR now, is go-karting. I saw that first, not the smacking part, but like, you need to shave seconds off this lap. I'm like, we're next to Topgolf. Most of us are drunk, calm down.
Speaker 1:
[11:21] Yeah, I don't think your kid's going to be in the Daytona 500 in five years.
Speaker 2:
[11:24] This was dirt track, your shoelace is wrapping around the front wheel. I was just governor off on the lawn mower engine, and this guy going, looking at my cousin's trunk full of Playboys, like, have these already.
Speaker 1:
[11:36] That's really funny.
Speaker 2:
[11:37] But when so, he's like, you go how long you want. He just let us do laps all day.
Speaker 1:
[11:41] Everything in here I've come to.
Speaker 2:
[11:43] Yeah, yeah. I know these ladies.
Speaker 1:
[11:46] But old porn was cumbersome because you had to hide it. You couldn't just like have a bookcase of porn in your room when you're 15.
Speaker 2:
[11:57] Well, OK, so I know you like divorce parents. Did you have privacy in your life enough to stash?
Speaker 1:
[12:04] My wife did not. So my stash. My mom, I was raised by a single mom, but I'm an only child. I didn't realize that's a different relationship until my fiance saw it enough that she's like, you're one to one in a weird way. It's like roommates.
Speaker 2:
[12:21] You're involved with each other.
Speaker 1:
[12:23] But there's a privacy of like that. I don't think if there's a privacy, you get single mom only child that you don't get if you have siblings with a single mom. Because the single mom's like, I'm trying to take care of all these kids. I got to be in all these rooms. My mom was like, so one time I had a bunch of playboys, maybe like a penthouse or something, a couple of magazines, top of my closet under this thing that you had to move, right? Well, she was trying to find something in my closet, clearly moved it, found the magazines, took them, didn't say anything.
Speaker 2:
[12:59] That fucking move.
Speaker 1:
[13:01] I'd prefer that. Because I went and I reached.
Speaker 2:
[13:04] So you know she knows.
Speaker 1:
[13:05] I reached it.
Speaker 2:
[13:06] She knows you know. We're not mentioning it ever again.
Speaker 1:
[13:08] That's what it is. It's a terse, you know what it is? It's the demilitarized zone between being a mom and a son where you go, I won't cross here and you won't cross here.
Speaker 2:
[13:17] I was a goblin. I was like, my cousin, so we had the one, my cousin tried to bring him into the house like under a sweatshirt. He just walked in like he was holding a sweatshirt. Like it was like a like a like a trail lasagna when he walked in. Oh, Kyle, here's your sweatshirt. I'll bring it in your room for you. As soon as he walks in, he's like, what was in the jacket? I'm like, because I can't lie. I can't lie. I knew she had just for some reason just stashed him under the bed in her room. Instead of throwing him out. But I'm like, well, I can't just take him. So I went and like I tore out all the pictures. That's great. Like I have to look back, not being a parent myself, but look at what my behavior was as a kid. And just if I was a parent being like, Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:
[14:04] Can I tell you something you just said that made me feel a lot better? I didn't want to admit this though, but in my stash, a lot of torn out pages. There were just torn out pages like stacked in between magazines. I was torn out page guy. If I was somewhere and I saw porn, I'd be like, well, that's going on with me. Oh, girls in the Pac-12. Fold, fold, fold. Me at Minnesota State. You're coming with me. I had torn out pages all over the place.
Speaker 2:
[14:31] Yeah, I'm not interested in this interview with Walter Cronkite.
Speaker 1:
[14:34] Oh, Burt Reynolds is back at it? Yeah, believe it or not.
Speaker 2:
[14:37] I mean, Smoke in the Bay was a badass, but I'm not going to read about it. Yeah, so I had that. Then I had, you know.
Speaker 1:
[14:43] So she would take them, go put them in her room under the bed.
Speaker 2:
[14:46] She said that one grip of them were stashed. I had all the pictures torn out. But then, you know, okay, you go to Tower Records, you're getting your own. There was a drop ceiling in the basement, real flimsy, like press board stuff. And I just had it all up there. But then I just came home one day, and my mom's like, it's a mess in the basement. I think it's yours. Go clean it up. In the laundry room, just it gave way. I just showered my mother in pornography. And...
Speaker 1:
[15:17] What was she doing? She was just like...
Speaker 2:
[15:19] Nothing. It just, the ceiling just... It was like crappy press board.
Speaker 1:
[15:24] The weight of your horniness.
Speaker 2:
[15:25] It was... I had it...
Speaker 1:
[15:27] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[15:29] I was bolstering the foundation with what I had up there. It's like when they open those radio towers and it's just a squirrel's been putting...
Speaker 1:
[15:35] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[15:36] Acorns in there for the last 20 years. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Like... Yowza.
Speaker 1:
[15:41] There is an energy... First off, your cousin coming into the house like a shitty assassin with a gun under a thing. Like he's trying to kill a president.
Speaker 2:
[15:50] Hold a sweatshirt with two hands.
Speaker 1:
[15:51] Like this.
Speaker 2:
[15:52] Like this.
Speaker 1:
[15:52] It's... But the energy of, like, hiding porn and being creative in it is something that kids that just look at internet porn will never understand, of, like, taking something and finding something in your house, where you go, yes, I had these drawers on, like, a shitty cardboard bookcase that was just in... that, when I was a kid, where all my books would go, you know? And then when my mom sold a bunch of them in the garage sale, they were all empty. That's when I had a fake ID and I started buying VHS porn. So I just had VHS porn in there, and she never looked. And I had a good...
Speaker 2:
[16:38] That's faced up, like...
Speaker 1:
[16:41] It was in the closet against the wall.
Speaker 2:
[16:43] Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:
[16:44] And there was like sneakers and stuff in front of it. So really you would just like knock them away and then pull it out to get like, splat on my rack, too. The original mixtapes.
Speaker 2:
[16:54] Wait, oh, first off, like I want to address like, I know it's like a comedic moot point to be like, in the view that we had to find porn in the wood. But still, as far as you can't take away a formidable experience of a young man, like not as a bit, but as that's how you went about learning about yourself. I remember one buddy, his dad had stuff, but then there was like the booby traps of like a string in front of the drawer. So if they're like the cabinets, if you opened it and then closed the string, it's like, we got to put this here, and then this has to go back. And there was a thrill to it. And the VHS tapes, that was...
Speaker 1:
[17:29] VHS tapes were, I remember one time one caught in the VCR. Hey, if you're trying to learn a new language, you're probably like me, and you're like, well, that train has passed. But maybe it hasn't. Maybe there is a way that you can learn bite-sized lessons that fit easily in your daily routine. Interested at all, learning a language? Well, try Babbel. Babbel recognizes the real world connections at the heart of learning language. But you gotta be immersed in it. They let you practice real life conversation step by step without the stress. You build the confidence to speak up if it matters, whether it's ordering a coffee, to chatting with new friends. Babbel is just more than lessons. They even offer a large connection of podcasts where Babbel experts reveal language secrets and offer an inside look. At local customs, my dog won't leave me alone because she wants to learn a new language. She wants to learn English and I won't teach her. Myrtle will never speak English because then she'll run this house. But if you want to learn Spanish, French, Italian, Russian, Japanese, there's so much you can learn. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, you can get up to 60% off Babbel subscription at babbel.com/soder. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com/soder, spelled babbel.com/soder. Guys, the money game's tough. You don't know what apps to use, how you're going to give money, who you're going to get money from, and then you got to start using Cash App. Because Cash App is the way to go, because it's a secure app that you can send money, you can receive money, and you don't got to worry about people ripping you off. Plus, Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and usually grow or manage your money on your terms. Now when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App Card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, huge, high borrow limits, big, and custom personalized cash back offers every Friday at places you love to shop. You love that, so you go get the thing you love and then you go, oh, I want to get a little money back because I buy a cake every Friday. Cake every Friday would be delicious. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit cash.app slash new to learn more about this and other great features Launch it now and for a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASHAPP10 in their profile at sign up and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply, Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's banking partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers, and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.appslashlegalslashpodcast for full disclosure.
Speaker 2:
[20:27] That was...
Speaker 1:
[20:28] VHS tapes were... I remember one time one caught in the VCR, and I was trying to pull it out, and then I heard...
Speaker 2:
[20:35] It was a house fire.
Speaker 1:
[20:36] The garage.
Speaker 2:
[20:37] Yeah, no, we just got burned the house down.
Speaker 1:
[20:39] I went like this. I went, well, guess what? Class A students, you're no longer a part of it. And I just cut... I pulled it out where you could see the thing was grabbing the film. Full sacrifice. And I just pulled it and then ran up, ran upstairs, was like, fuck it, you're dead to me. But you really... It's shooting your friend when the zombies are coming. You're like, I'll never get to drink off of this again. But mom, just open the garage.
Speaker 2:
[21:04] It's the two Alpine climbers where the one guy was dangling on the rope like to save me, I have to, you have to die.
Speaker 1:
[21:10] That's what it is. I just had to cut it and cut my losses and run. I just think the basis of that in a man's life of finding the excitement of finding ways to get it private truly makes you more romantic, I think, as you grow older because you go, oh, is it special? Yes.
Speaker 2:
[21:31] Or the risk, the true risk. I, so you, did you get, like, you had the bit about trying to print something out, and everything. Yeah, 100%. So you had the home computer thing.
Speaker 1:
[21:43] I had the home computer thing. That was when I stopped fucking with computers on porn, was that moment, because what happened is, obviously I did it as a bit, but she just came downstairs and was like, what the fuck is this? And you were like, I don't even know. But then she hit me with, she used to do my laundry, and I used to just. God, I don't even want to think about this stuff right now. I used to just cum in my old boxers. I would just cap it when I was like, I'd just be in bed, turn it off.
Speaker 2:
[22:09] The Mentos in the Coke Bottle thing? Bwaa! Oh, this is a mess.
Speaker 1:
[22:17] 100%, dude. 100% Mentos in the Diet Coke Bottle. This is exactly what it was. And my mom, just single mom only child, that roommate relationship, she goes, do you know that cum smells? Oh, no.
Speaker 2:
[22:31] Oh, no.
Speaker 1:
[22:35] I was like, god damn it, I could never jerk off. That's when I went to Kleenex.
Speaker 2:
[22:39] I'm getting my own place, Maham. You're 14. I know. But I think this is best for both of us.
Speaker 1:
[22:44] Let me out. I want to divorce you.
Speaker 2:
[22:47] This is just to save us.
Speaker 1:
[22:50] I want you to emancipate me. I need to go jerk off.
Speaker 2:
[22:54] Our home computer was at the bottom of the stairs in the basement.
Speaker 1:
[22:57] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[22:57] And I was like...
Speaker 1:
[22:58] Like down the stairs?
Speaker 2:
[22:59] Down the stairs. And I... Was that on purpose? I don't know if I want to think about it that much right now. It was in the corner before, but now it's right. But never underestimate the horniness of a young man and the risk. Like, now this is going into criminal territory where you got guys that beat off in the park and everything. Happy to say I didn't get, but as far as just in the home, in the home going like, this computer's a new thing and everything I want to see is just, it's right there.
Speaker 1:
[23:29] And all you need, all you need is a clear window of privacy.
Speaker 2:
[23:34] Or some courage.
Speaker 1:
[23:36] Yeah. Oh, man.
Speaker 2:
[23:37] And I went for it, and it was, I mean, it was purely just suburban, white, like Soder, the exotic, the variety. And it was, I remember specifically, it was like thick black ladies. And it was, you know, I'm of an era where it was like, oh, these, like the real thin supermodel things. I was just, now I could see the things that I, well, for one thing.
Speaker 1:
[24:05] Look what an actual butt looks like.
Speaker 2:
[24:07] Oh, good God. Just the door at the top of the stairs opens. It's just my mom, like, like, you want corner peas or something? And my choices were, you know, stay there.
Speaker 1:
[24:21] Don't move.
Speaker 2:
[24:23] But trying to click off everything on a computer with like just nothing but windows that are open. Or I was on a rolling office chair, just push off out of sight.
Speaker 1:
[24:35] That's kind of genius.
Speaker 2:
[24:35] I pushed off out of sight. You still, you see exactly what's on the computer, but plausible deniability. You didn't see me in the area with the computer.
Speaker 1:
[24:43] Sorry, mom, I think we got a horny ghost.
Speaker 2:
[24:45] Yeah. What? Were you looking, were you looking at this?
Speaker 1:
[24:47] I think dad was looking at juicy black asses.
Speaker 2:
[24:50] Why are you still sitting in the chair? I was doing a thing. I needed to, I needed to-
Speaker 1:
[24:53] I'm checking the wheels.
Speaker 2:
[24:54] Just to, but to hear the scoop, you hear the rolling across linoleum.
Speaker 1:
[25:00] What is-
Speaker 2:
[25:01] I'm sorry mom, she watches this stuff. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:
[25:04] Dude, what did she do? Did she just go Kyle and then leave?
Speaker 2:
[25:06] It was very much a midwestern, just a...
Speaker 1:
[25:11] Well, dinner will be ready in 20.
Speaker 2:
[25:15] We're gonna, we're gonna focus on our daughter. We're gonna make sure that one gets on the straight and narrow.
Speaker 1:
[25:22] My big thing, because our computer sucked, and you know, we had to dial up as did you, but it was so difficult to watch videos for like not even a thought. It was mostly pictures, but I got, I remember a tape of like three B movies, like Titty movies, Shannon Tweed movies.
Speaker 2:
[25:43] Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:
[25:44] Remember Shannon Tweed.
Speaker 2:
[25:44] Yeah, USA Up Late, or I mean...
Speaker 1:
[25:46] USA Up All Night?
Speaker 2:
[25:47] The different gal for that, Up All Night, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:
[25:50] But it was usually on Cinemax. Those were the Cinemax movies. The Cinemax movies were like Shannon Tweed movies, where she was the detective, and all of a sudden there was this handsome man that might be connected to the murder.
Speaker 2:
[26:01] It was the Emanuel series.
Speaker 1:
[26:03] Yes. It was like Red Shoe Diaries.
Speaker 2:
[26:05] Oh.
Speaker 1:
[26:06] Remember those?
Speaker 2:
[26:06] My man Duchovny.
Speaker 1:
[26:08] No one remembers David Duchovny pedaling smut.
Speaker 2:
[26:11] No, no, he was just in the first, he was just reading the diary.
Speaker 1:
[26:14] There's, I know, he was, he'd go, can she love people? He's like on a beach with a dog, and he'd be like, I fucked my mechanic. He's the guy in the park.
Speaker 2:
[26:24] And here we go. And here's what you wanted to see.
Speaker 1:
[26:26] Yeah, there was an episode with Cato Cailin, where Cato Cailin's like the guy that bangs her.
Speaker 2:
[26:32] Like?
Speaker 1:
[26:32] It read through diaries.
Speaker 2:
[26:33] But pre?
Speaker 1:
[26:34] Pre-murder, pre-94.
Speaker 2:
[26:36] So OJ had, or he had a little work.
Speaker 1:
[26:38] Cato was working?
Speaker 2:
[26:39] Cato was getting some gigs.
Speaker 1:
[26:40] That's why he's in the guest house. One of these Registry Diary episodes take off.
Speaker 2:
[26:44] Yeah, you couldn't be a total slob and get the guest house.
Speaker 1:
[26:46] Well, maybe if OJ didn't kill, he'd be, he would have been Molder.
Speaker 2:
[26:50] Oh God, this is what they're gonna know.
Speaker 1:
[26:52] Fox, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[26:53] OJ., this is really gonna screw up my career.
Speaker 1:
[26:55] Yeah, he goes, OJ., I was up for X-Files, now the narrator got it.
Speaker 2:
[26:59] I was talking about there was somebody else.
Speaker 1:
[27:01] It was Fox, I know. I called Fox Molder, which I know. You gotta remember that. David Duchovny played Fox.
Speaker 2:
[27:08] Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna screw up, according to the true fans. But do you remember a series, and not to domineer this episode, make it all about porn, middle-aged men talking about porn.
Speaker 1:
[27:20] This is why people listen to this.
Speaker 2:
[27:21] All right, well then, let's dive deep.
Speaker 1:
[27:23] There's people in the office right now that are going, I wanna talk about 90s porn with Kyle Kinane and Dan Soder.
Speaker 2:
[27:29] Yeah, there's a couple of reddits. I'm like, yeah, let's fall down this one.
Speaker 1:
[27:32] Fine, why not?
Speaker 2:
[27:33] Let's see what, before they really figured out surgery.
Speaker 1:
[27:38] Oh, really?
Speaker 2:
[27:39] Oh, just like, wow, I don't even know what I'm looking at right now.
Speaker 1:
[27:41] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[27:43] God bless, I looked at it more of like a stunt thing. Like, look at what you did with your body.
Speaker 1:
[27:47] But isn't that what you felt like the first time you saw actual porn, not Cinemax shit like.
Speaker 2:
[27:55] Oh, I remember the real rascal of a kid in junior high, Cohen, it was one of those, like, oh, you live in an apartment. I don't know kids. I mean, we didn't have money, but I'm like, oh, you just live with your dad in an apartment.
Speaker 1:
[28:10] My class was doing so well in the 80s that if you lived in an apartment, kids were going, what happened?
Speaker 2:
[28:15] It was one of those like, okay, you're getting your life back together.
Speaker 1:
[28:18] Especially if you're in the burbs. I'm talking about if you're in like a Midwest or the Colorado, like we would go to this kid, this kid that lived in a town, there was a townhouse complex right across the street from my place. And I remember going into his house one time, these new kids moved in and we were like, these new kids are so cool, they're dangerous and they'll ride their bikes so fast. And they smoke cigarettes like we do. And then we went into the kid's house when the kid's dad was a Klan member. He had like his shirt off and he had a huge Confederate flag on his back. And I remember being like, well, I'm not coming over here with Johnny, who's my black friend.
Speaker 2:
[28:54] How old were you at the time?
Speaker 1:
[28:56] I was 11, I was maybe 12.
Speaker 2:
[28:59] And you knew what that stuff was then? I saw that. I mean, just 12, no 12 you didn't know.
Speaker 1:
[29:03] I was like, oh man.
Speaker 2:
[29:04] Well, you were at Denver or where about?
Speaker 1:
[29:07] I was in Aurora. So I was southeast Denver.
Speaker 2:
[29:09] You got plugged into that pretty early on out in Colorado.
Speaker 1:
[29:13] I saw that shit because of where my dad lived. My dad lived in Lake County, which is three hours north of San Francisco. Very rural.
Speaker 2:
[29:20] Oh, California outside of the cities is...
Speaker 1:
[29:23] Yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 2:
[29:24] I remember going to Lancaster for a gig when I was in LA. And people just had swastikas spray painted on the hood in the car. Nothing to be afraid of for them out there.
Speaker 1:
[29:31] There's a lot of great people in Lake County, but people know what I'm talking about if they lived there, that there is a racist enclave where you go... And my dad was in trailer parks getting drunk with anybody.
Speaker 2:
[29:41] Well, and how far out from Humboldt was it?
Speaker 1:
[29:44] Oh, no, it was East of Ukiah, about 45 minutes East of Ukiah, off the 101. But it's beautiful, but the people there are terrifying. Some good people, there's a lot of great people there, but there's a lot of very...
Speaker 2:
[29:57] That's right, every area, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[29:58] But when you're plummeting into the depths of alcoholism in your 40s, you're not hanging with the best and the brightest. And when you're a little boy visiting you, you're exposing them to people that are, in my own experience, quite terrifying.
Speaker 2:
[30:11] I think I visited that apartment. It was where I first saw porn. To loop it back around, it was one of those like, oh, this is one of those apartments where you have to walk downstairs to get into.
Speaker 1:
[30:21] Yeah. And you know what?
Speaker 2:
[30:22] Your windows are so high on the wall.
Speaker 1:
[30:24] Do you know who the gayest I felt in those situations were? Was they were all drinking. We went to the lake, like these like swimming spot or whatever. And my dad and his girlfriend and her fucking white trash family were just drinking. shout out to Bonfire fans. They remember fat tit Neil. It was my dad's girlfriend's son. He had giant nipples and tits. And he was so mean to me because he liked my dad. He was 14 and I was 12. So he was mad when he found out that my dad had an actual son. And I was just like a nice kid. And I was living in a good suburb. You know, I was living in like a suburb of Colorado. So to him, I might as well have been Richie Rich. And I came and he was like, this fucking pussy. Fat tit Neil straight up bullying me. But we were out all day with them. And the gayest I ever felt hanging out there, or like the priciest I ever felt, was they, my mom would feed me dinner every night between 6 and 7 p.m. I had regular meals. I had a good life with my mom. You were cared for. I was cared for.
Speaker 2:
[31:27] You were loved.
Speaker 1:
[31:28] My mom loved me. My dad, they were like blackout drunk and it was like 11, 15. And I remember being like, can we have dinner? And everyone was like, oh, who's the prince? And I was like, I need to eat. I was like really getting like, I was getting like bitchy. I was getting raised by a single mom bitchy.
Speaker 2:
[31:47] And I was like, get a load of this guy and his basic needs.
Speaker 1:
[31:53] But you know, it's funny as no one is there to tell me like, yo, you were right. So I just spent years being like, I'm fucking, I don't know, I'm a prince.
Speaker 2:
[32:01] I mean, how are you supposed to gauge? I mean, I can only imagine, especially if that's your dad too. Like, oh, that's not the part of your family. It's not like, well, this is how my friend's family lives and I won't be around.
Speaker 1:
[32:09] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[32:10] This was my dad.
Speaker 1:
[32:11] This is my dad who I don't talk to a lot. So it was like, I would see him once every two years. So you're also going like, well, I want you to like me, but I'm very hungry right now. I'm also a 12-year-old boy.
Speaker 2:
[32:24] It's your fault for not getting enough Fritos by the Pool.
Speaker 1:
[32:26] That's exactly what it was. That's exactly what it was. Where he went like, honor!
Speaker 2:
[32:30] I was trying to think of the shittiest white trash corn chip. It's regular, it's plain Fritos.
Speaker 1:
[32:35] And I will say to this day...
Speaker 2:
[32:36] Why are we eating scoops when there's nothing to scoop?
Speaker 1:
[32:38] Ask anybody that knows me. First off, that's a little too high-fluten for my taste. I like the single skinny Fritos. Because you can snap them off. And you also can make them into a sloppy Joe, or a pile of Fritos with meat, with like meat witch on top.
Speaker 2:
[32:56] All right. I want to correct a few things that you said right in there. Meat witch?
Speaker 1:
[33:00] You know the can of meat?
Speaker 2:
[33:01] It's man witch.
Speaker 1:
[33:02] Man witch.
Speaker 2:
[33:02] Which isn't better than what you said.
Speaker 1:
[33:04] But man witch sounded in my head. There's no way it's man witch.
Speaker 2:
[33:07] No, I think we grew up in the same kind of level and income. That's why I was like, it's man witch.
Speaker 1:
[33:11] Man witch, you know what's funny though?
Speaker 2:
[33:12] Don't call it meat witch. That's the type of porn we were talking about.
Speaker 1:
[33:16] Well, man witch sounds like a kind of porn. Man witch sounds like a gay threesome.
Speaker 2:
[33:19] It's a burly gal. It's a meat witch.
Speaker 1:
[33:22] That's a meat bitch. That's a meat witch meat bitch.
Speaker 2:
[33:26] Oh, get up in that cauldron.
Speaker 1:
[33:27] But then I remember doing the passive aggressive thing of being like, hey, so, looking through their cupboards. And then finally my dad was like, do you want that? And then they made me the saltiest hamburger helper. And what made me mad is, my dad could cook. So that was like a shitty meal, but he was just blackout and he was like, salt, meat, noodles. There you go, you little fucking queer.
Speaker 2:
[33:52] This didn't help anybody. This didn't help the hamburger, it didn't help me.
Speaker 1:
[33:55] And then I had to lay on that couch, that itchy ass couch and sleep there that night. And just my dad, he was like banging some white trash lady. So he did the thing where it was clearly after they fucked, he was walking to the bathroom in his underwear and he was like, you doing all right buddy? Like out in the living room and you're like, I'm fine.
Speaker 2:
[34:14] You just were, you inconvenienced his.
Speaker 1:
[34:17] Yeah, that was it. But that's what I mean, like you, like.
Speaker 2:
[34:20] I mean, you've dealt with this. So I'm not gonna get sad on your behalf right now, but yeah, that sucks. That's a sad story.
Speaker 1:
[34:24] Oh, it just sucked. But that's what I'm saying, like that was always to me when I would go to a kid in a tough apartment's life, it would always in my head go like, this is what living with dad would be like.
Speaker 2:
[34:35] If, and not, and not to generalize, it's like, if it was with the mom, I'm like, she's trying to get it back together. She's working two jobs and we're going to be in this, if it was with the dad, I'm like, oh, there's no role model here. And that's why this kid.
Speaker 1:
[34:51] You're going to be raised by a wolf.
Speaker 2:
[34:52] I was only friends with this kid because his last name started with a K, so just like in junior high, like, oh, okay, you're the guy that sits behind me. So I guess we're friends. I saw him at the Addison State Fair, or like a community fair where they had the booths and everything. He's like, nah, come on, we're going to go to my place. I live in the apartments by the junior high. We're in junior high. I'm like, all right. He goes, it's Michael Jordan's Greatest Hits. He put it in, it's just mid butt fuck porn. Just, and I did not know that's how sex even worked.
Speaker 1:
[35:20] Wait, did he prep you at all?
Speaker 2:
[35:22] Nope.
Speaker 1:
[35:23] He just went.
Speaker 2:
[35:23] It's like, nah, watch his tape. Michael Jordan's Greatest Hits. And then just put it in.
Speaker 1:
[35:28] Was he like doing the thing where he was watching it and being like, something's?
Speaker 2:
[35:30] I don't, at that moment, I had never seen Penetration.
Speaker 1:
[35:35] Did it pick up?
Speaker 2:
[35:35] I think, cause it was still, even in the magazines, it was still kind of like, she's over there and there's a guy like, hey.
Speaker 1:
[35:41] Yeah, or she's like squeezing her boobs together.
Speaker 2:
[35:44] Yeah, something that still wasn't, that I recall, and it was close. It was one of those.
Speaker 1:
[35:51] Well, they did a lot of close shots.
Speaker 2:
[35:52] I didn't see the two people.
Speaker 1:
[35:54] Yeah, they were all about.
Speaker 2:
[35:56] Dick and vagina, dick and vagina. I'm like, what's this? This is Michael Jordan?
Speaker 1:
[36:01] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[36:01] This is Michael Jordan? Which one's Michael? This is also in the Bulls dynasty. So I'm like, wait, wait. I didn't, I mean, I didn't watch, I'm not a sports guy, but I don't remember this happening. Was this the third time they went to the championship?
Speaker 1:
[36:14] I'm guessing the one's getting in the trailblazers.
Speaker 2:
[36:16] Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:
[36:17] Is that the one?
Speaker 2:
[36:18] I don't even know enough about the sport to know how to reference it. Then he just put that on and then he's like, yeah, I was like, who? I need to go meet up with my other friends because this feels like it's dark in here. I don't know. I don't even know you and we're in a basement, but it's also your whole house. And I got to go church this weekend.
Speaker 1:
[36:38] That feeling of like you're drowning in sad, but you can't show to other kids.
Speaker 2:
[36:43] Where I'm supposed to be enthused with, but this makes me feel like I don't want to be around. And that's why I never understood porno theaters.
Speaker 1:
[36:53] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[36:53] Like let's all hang out and watch this movie together.
Speaker 1:
[36:57] That's also what a lot of...
Speaker 2:
[36:59] Yeah, that's how you had to consume it back in the day.
Speaker 1:
[37:01] That's what it was. Growing up, you would be around your friends and they'd be like, oh, I've got... My friend had a black box on his TV.
Speaker 2:
[37:10] Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:
[37:10] So he'd get the Spice Channel. And I remember something that in hindsight was very wrong was we all watched the Spice Channel and then we would make fun of each other for getting boners where you'd be like, I bet he's got a boner. Meanwhile, I was tearing through denim. I just had my arms over it being like, I watched the girls boobs bounce. I remember, because this is still soft core porn. They don't show the penetration in Spice. So what they do is they...
Speaker 2:
[37:37] You didn't need it.
Speaker 1:
[37:37] No, they would, I'll tell you, and this is how simple it was. This is why I think we need to outlaw online porn for kids is there was something about being 13 years old and watching their bodies collide and move in a way that I went, oh, holy shit, that's doing something to me.
Speaker 2:
[37:58] It's a real jazz. It's about the nudity you don't see, that you got to fill the gaps up and develop your sense of imagination. And hopefully that grows into an appreciation for art and creative, but right now you're like, I think what's happening where the screen cuts off is it's going in and there's a sound.
Speaker 1:
[38:16] And it looks like it feels phenomenal for everyone involved. But her boobs bouncing, it was a spoon. They were having like spoon sex. And I remember her boobs bouncing, that made me go like, I gotta go home right now.
Speaker 2:
[38:30] We're at the one kid's house whose parents were never around. I think it was an open like, he was in the bathroom.
Speaker 1:
[38:36] That's great.
Speaker 2:
[38:37] And nobody would like...
Speaker 1:
[38:38] Yeah, no one's like, yeah, go ahead. No one talks shit like that one.
Speaker 2:
[38:42] It was the one, the first kid, like, what'd you do in there? Cranked it. They're like, oh, that's, we're just gonna be cool like that? All right, I'm up.
Speaker 1:
[38:49] That is, that, you know what's funny is those kids, I feel like we should track them like Buffalo because they're gonna be the most successful in life. Cause they go, I'm myself and I just say what I do. Like they go, I jerked off and I'm comfortable with it. And you go, we should be president. Well, cause the rest of us are not.
Speaker 2:
[39:06] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[39:07] We're not gonna be there for three years.
Speaker 2:
[39:08] There's a part of me that would argue with like, do you think that, especially with standup and how much like I've done, you know, you get booked on like, this is not happening. Like, it's a story that's, like, that's my whole, I've put everything out there.
Speaker 1:
[39:23] That's why.
Speaker 2:
[39:24] But the idea of shame of like, we don't, nobody I know has shame. And that's a good thing about being like, I'm open about this, like, what, they're beat off?
Speaker 1:
[39:35] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[39:35] What am I, be secret about it? I know what I did, I'm telling you. But maybe a little, maybe a little bit of it, maybe a little bit back.
Speaker 1:
[39:41] You know, I wouldn't mind a little shame coming in, like the, the whoring that we're seeing in society of just like, I guess the example is celebrities with commercials where you go, I don't feel like it used, I mean, I did a joke about it, but it is true. It used to be like, when you saw a celebrity doing a commercial, you'd be like, oh, they need the money. They're like, they're hard up for work and they need to pay their bills. And now it just seems so like fans make excuses for celebrities doing commercials that you go, no, we should shame them. We should be like, you don't have enough. You don't have enough money. Because like a little shame goes a long way. I think you're right, we don't have shame, but I also think we did feel shame and we learned how to work through it by making fun of it.
Speaker 2:
[40:24] I had talked about this and I got blow back on a different podcast about hearing that like some celebrities will just do a day's worth of work for a commercial, get a million bucks, and they can put that right into a charity or something. You want me for an afternoon, I can alley this amount of money over here. Granted, they probably have that money already. They could just give it. But it's also the ones, if you don't hear them talk about that because it would be tacky, then just for my own hope in the good of the world, I want that to be happening. I don't think it is. I don't think it is, but I hope it is on days where I don't want to be absolute doomsday Armageddon about the world. So I will choose to think about certain situations that way. But also...
Speaker 1:
[41:10] Zocdoc, baby. Man, have I been worried about little pains in my hips or a little bump on my arm? And then I just sit there and I go, am I dying? Should I be scared? Should I be worried? Well, guess what? If I had Zocdoc, which I do, I've actually had it for a while, Zocdoc is a free app and a website that lets you find and book high quality in-network doctors so you can find someone that you love and feel comfortable with. That's the most important part. You want to find a doctor that you feel comfortable with, where you just go like, all right, I know the office. I love knowing a lady's name at the office of a doctor. Being like, Nancy, is he available next week? Boom. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com/soder. To find and instantly book a doctor that you love today, that's zocdoc.com/soder. zocdoc.com/soder. Thanks, Zocdoc, for sponsoring this message.
Speaker 2:
[42:11] The idea of celebrity is different now.
Speaker 1:
[42:14] Well, it's so fractured.
Speaker 2:
[42:16] Everything, everybody can have access to some level of fame and make money off of it.
Speaker 1:
[42:23] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[42:25] I'm split both ways. I could be a hypocrite, because there's some days I'm like, get paid, how are you gonna get paid? It's a shit show out there.
Speaker 1:
[42:31] Also, there's two people that came through comedy when there were gatekeepers, and it was industry heavy, and you watched all that. Drawing back on how I felt then to people now, I go, fuck yeah, get your money. Go around these motherfuckers, fuck these people. But then there are days where I go, is anybody gonna care about the quality of content?
Speaker 2:
[42:54] I heard that people, the average people, they'll watch 20 minutes of an hour special. I'm like, I spend all the time trying to make sure the end is the best part. And nobody, like somebody coming in, just eating the fries, slapping the burger off the plate.
Speaker 1:
[43:15] I was just gonna say, yeah, eat the stuff off the cake, but I don't like the cake. And you go, baking the cake's the hardest part.
Speaker 2:
[43:20] Nothing, nope, nope. I'm gonna set up, I'm gonna get six cameras so I can make sure I get 30 second clips. Because I'm not even concerned with making a special anymore. I'm concerned with making a commercial to sell tickets to come see me live. I still want to do that. I still like that part of comedy.
Speaker 1:
[43:38] The live part is, if you don't enjoy the live shows, as I tell them all the time, the second that you don't like doing live shows, legitimately pack it up because there is, outside of paying your rent, there is zero reason to be scared.
Speaker 2:
[43:51] We don't have to get mired in comedy talk, because we know it's easier to do.
Speaker 1:
[43:55] If we slip into it, we slip into it. I'm not going to get tased.
Speaker 2:
[43:58] Oh yeah, I've got every kind of industry I've ever been in. But I'm fascinated with dudes that, you find out that some of these people, they're open about it, like how much money they spend on a social media team.
Speaker 1:
[44:09] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[44:10] And I'm not saying that if you have a good product and you spend a ton of money to get that product in front of people and then they like it.
Speaker 1:
[44:17] Especially as you escalate, as things escalate, as you get bigger.
Speaker 2:
[44:23] I mean, you could spend all the same amount of money some of these other comics are spending. And if the act sucks, you're not going to get back. But I'm like, where's the rest of your life?
Speaker 1:
[44:32] Well, there is.
Speaker 2:
[44:32] Where do you, where do you, okay. Cause I, like you do this show, I don't know how many.
Speaker 1:
[44:37] I do this in standup.
Speaker 2:
[44:38] You don't have any other.
Speaker 1:
[44:39] I do the regs twice a month with Bobby, Kelly, Lewis and Joe.
Speaker 2:
[44:44] Okay. That's a twice a month thing.
Speaker 1:
[44:45] Twice a month.
Speaker 2:
[44:46] Those guys are like four podcasts.
Speaker 1:
[44:47] Yeah, I mean, I was in.
Speaker 2:
[44:49] They got a camera crew that opens for them.
Speaker 1:
[44:52] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[44:52] They then.
Speaker 1:
[44:53] The camera crew opening thing I've seen, we've seen that a lot.
Speaker 2:
[44:55] And I understand it.
Speaker 1:
[44:57] Listen, everything, this is where standup bleeds into gun ownership. Where you're like, I understand you.
Speaker 2:
[45:04] Both of these things. I love an Oregon dude strapped.
Speaker 1:
[45:08] I love it. Going out into the woods of Oregon and shooting is one of my favorite things in the world. Shout out Sumner. I'll be doing that soon when I see you. You need a gun for protection sometimes. Sometimes you can be a gun enthusiast, but then sometimes that can bleed into you just being a full on psychopath and having way too many assault rifles and guns that you don't need. And you're going like, hey, I think this is a bigger problem than you protecting yourself.
Speaker 2:
[45:34] Yeah, my concept of how the world works is warped now. Because some of these comics, I mean, whatever, don't have to name names about it. And I don't think they're bad people, and I don't need to out who, I know how much people spend on social media. But what about the part where you...
Speaker 1:
[45:49] Write jokes?
Speaker 2:
[45:50] Or just live your life? Because I'm in a stage now where I'm like, and I wouldn't even do that much, I just tour, and I'm trying to like, I just wanna go live my life. I'm here in New York, so what sets you got? None, I did the Bell House on Friday, I did Jersey City Saturday, I did the thing. I'm not trying to cram myself into five spots a night while I'm here, I wanna see my friends.
Speaker 1:
[46:13] As someone that lived like that for a very, very long time, it becomes a fear of, and I'm only speaking for myself in this, it was a fear of slowing down, thinking it would all get taken away.
Speaker 2:
[46:26] I'm fighting it right now. It's where my calendar's stacked. It's not spots in town, but it's every weekend.
Speaker 1:
[46:32] But I'll tell you right now what I learned, and I think where I was fortunate enough to learn this during COVID, when the road did get taken away and all this stuff got taken away. And then when it came back, I had a different attitude of like, well, now I have a life. Now I have a fiance and a dog and I want to do stuff. And it became more effective for me to not be doing 90 things and just focus on two things. Now, I don't think in the current age, that's probably the most, you're going to make the most money and all that stuff, but I think you'll be sane enough to enjoy what you do have.
Speaker 2:
[47:14] I'm trying to get over worrying about, am I going to level up? Like I might not, but also the level I'm at is pretty good.
Speaker 1:
[47:21] You're one of the greatest comics in my mind of all time.
Speaker 2:
[47:25] Get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 1:
[47:26] I am so serious. The first time I ever, you're on a level with Rory Scoville, with Nate, with Shane. You're one of these guys that, with Sean Patton, was always one of those guys for me, where I watch you do stand up and you're like, want to grab everybody else and go, that's what you fucking do. That's the first bit I ever saw you do was the rehearsal show at Gotham for live at Gotham on Comedy Central. And you did your pulled over on a bike bit.
Speaker 2:
[47:59] Oh yeah, I was being a little bastard on that show.
Speaker 1:
[48:00] And dude, it was great though. But I saw you that night at the rehearsal for Live at Gotham and then you did Cabin Bar. You did Comedy as a Second Language at Cabin Bar. And you're just one of those guys, like Kurt Metzger, it used to be when I would watch him, that I'd go, I want to quit. I want to quit. I don't think I can come up with that. I don't know how he came up with that. That makes, it doesn't make me angry at you. It makes me hate myself.
Speaker 2:
[48:28] I love still seeing those guys.
Speaker 1:
[48:29] Yeah, and that's why I think there's a delicate balance of, I think what happens is people get success and then they shut the door. They like, they just close the door and they go, well, I gotta only worry about how I'm gonna shoot into the other level. But I think the real success is staying grounded and like seeing guys where you go, fuck, I want to go do stand up and find a bit like that.
Speaker 2:
[48:51] That's why Portland's great, because I can still go watch people do in their headline spot, watch what the final product is supposed to be.
Speaker 1:
[48:57] Sure. That's what I love about New York City is I can catch someone like Ethan Simmons Patterson or I can watch Peter Ravello and I can watch him do 15 minutes and go, what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing on stage? And then you go and you go, well, I have two choices. I can either start shutting all that off and going like, I'm the best, go Howard Hughes, clean X box on my feet, go crazy and kind of insulate myself. Or you just like get better, just go do more fun jokes.
Speaker 2:
[49:28] Or just bomb more on, like stop being scared of bombing. I'll get us out of this comedy tailspin.
Speaker 1:
[49:34] By the way, there's people, this is what I always find out, cause I always, well, I'll hit the eject button first on the comedy talk. But then there's been a lot of fans when I've been on the road recently that are like, hey, I know you're a standup comic. I'm fine with you talking about it. It's just when I started the podcast, it was like, standup comic. And that shit sucks. But talking to you, I'm talking to a guy that I'm not.
Speaker 2:
[50:01] I love it so much, I don't want to ruin it, which is why I can't do five spots in a night. And I take all summer off to go live my life. And then when it's time to go back on the road, oh, here's all these things I was thinking about. And I think they're fun ideas. And I don't know if they're gonna be good jokes yet, but you're gonna watch me bomb a little bit. But it's because I got fun ideas. Well, not like, here's jokes that are jokes because I know how jokes work because all I do is go see people tell jokes every night.
Speaker 1:
[50:27] It's the thing also for you, where you bring all this stuff that happened to you, and then you put together the puzzle of the bit and you go, oh, shit.
Speaker 2:
[50:37] That's always fun when you're like-
Speaker 1:
[50:39] That's the best part.
Speaker 2:
[50:40] You found all the edge pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. Like, ah, it's gonna be a picture.
Speaker 1:
[50:44] It's gonna be a whole picture. Oh, and then it doesn't happen for a week and you get frustrated and you're like, this is the thing-
Speaker 2:
[50:49] I'm the worst comic ever.
Speaker 1:
[50:51] But I feel like-
Speaker 2:
[50:52] I'll start driving for Lyft.
Speaker 1:
[50:53] Yeah, but that should be the energy. Comedy's popularity is about to go away. It's mass appeal is-
Speaker 2:
[51:00] I hope so.
Speaker 1:
[51:02] It just is.
Speaker 2:
[51:02] I hope so. I want this. This bubble has been stretched so thin for so long and I am looking forward to the tourists falling away.
Speaker 1:
[51:11] Yeah, I was. It's filled with tourists.
Speaker 2:
[51:13] When we could talk about the weird late night pornos or the RC cars, they were like a commando unit of big titty ladies.
Speaker 1:
[51:20] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[51:20] If you want to bail out on the comedy thing.
Speaker 1:
[51:21] I'll always talk about that.
Speaker 2:
[51:22] I wonder if you know if you've seen those series of movies.
Speaker 1:
[51:24] They could sell me on anything. I was a teenage sex mutant. Do you remember that? And he had the thing that came out of his head and the women would get naked. Saw it at my friend Justin's house sleeping over. Can you look it up? I was once a teenage sex alien.
Speaker 2:
[51:37] Okay, if we're going late. Okay, do you remember when they did like a Cinderella parody, but she had like a snapping pussy or something instead of the slipper? And so the prince had to go...
Speaker 1:
[51:51] She just had a tight pussy.
Speaker 2:
[51:53] No, it would like make a noise or something. Like even as a kid trying to be horny, I'm like, really taking me out.
Speaker 1:
[52:00] This was first thought.
Speaker 2:
[52:02] Suspension of disbelief is destroyed right now.
Speaker 1:
[52:04] It was called Dr. Alien, a 1989...
Speaker 2:
[52:07] Dr. Alien.
Speaker 1:
[52:08] Dr. Alien. That was the piece. But I remember that lady. Dude, I remember that lady. Judy Landers. Shout out Judy Landers. Damn.
Speaker 2:
[52:18] Back when you could be a sex symbol named Judy Landers.
Speaker 1:
[52:20] Look at her and just have the blonde hair. We'll put the picture up of Dr. Alien. The alternative title... The film was also released under titles I Was a Teenage Sex Maniac and I Was a Teenage Sex Mutant. Just like Manwich. I know the answer, but I try to change it to make it right. I know I got to go with my heart. The film's plot center is on an unpopular honor.
Speaker 2:
[52:43] Couldn't read that in the TV guide that I was just like, oh no, Dr. Alien. They'll know.
Speaker 1:
[52:47] They'll know.
Speaker 2:
[52:48] It's not at 1130.
Speaker 1:
[52:50] And it had the little... It's a nudity and sexual content.
Speaker 2:
[52:53] It's got Judy Sanford. What's her name?
Speaker 1:
[52:54] Judy Landers.
Speaker 2:
[52:55] She's got Judy Landers in it.
Speaker 1:
[52:56] She was Miss Zenobia, her sexy biology teacher.
Speaker 2:
[53:01] Oh, I thought that was like a country that's no longer... From a beauty pageant.
Speaker 1:
[53:08] They got bombed in 96.
Speaker 2:
[53:09] That was part of Czechoslovakia.
Speaker 1:
[53:13] Wait, was that Bosnia, Herzegovina and Zenophobia? This is what I remember. Wesley becomes a chick magnet whenever a phallic stalk emerges from his head. So it would be like an alien dick would come out of his head. Wesley begins Zenophobia, which may have something to do with the fact that she isn't from Earth. But yeah, that was it. I was a teenage sex mutant.
Speaker 2:
[53:38] All right.
Speaker 1:
[53:38] Now I want to find snapping pussy Cinderella.
Speaker 2:
[53:42] It was one of those ones where like... So there was a series of movies where they were like commandos in a jungle, but like the bikinis were camouflaged. Like, ah, that's how you go undercover.
Speaker 1:
[53:54] Yeah. And then there were heels always?
Speaker 2:
[53:56] Yeah. They were like... But then there was also... It was one director, and also they all used remote control cars or airplanes to get a bomb under the enemy's jeep or something. So I was like, well, like that.
Speaker 1:
[54:10] I love RC cars.
Speaker 2:
[54:11] There's boobs.
Speaker 1:
[54:12] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[54:13] And it's going to blow stuff up, and then they're going to take a shower.
Speaker 1:
[54:15] The mixing of...
Speaker 2:
[54:16] This has got everything I want.
Speaker 1:
[54:17] That's why when people today go like, you're a pro wrestling fan, do you ever hear a glow? And you go, motherfucker, do you think a little boy that got boners and loved pro wrestling wasn't dialed in to glow? I told you, body movement made me almost come in my pants. Of course, these bitches were slamming into each other.
Speaker 2:
[54:35] So I was trying to like... I always thought like that MMA was the logical conclusion between drag and wrestling, or that wrestling was the logical conclusion between MMA and drag.
Speaker 1:
[54:48] It's violence.
Speaker 2:
[54:49] And it's pageantry. It's outfits, it's characters.
Speaker 1:
[54:53] No one wants to admit that loves professional wrestling. It's the gayness that is endearing. It's like the pageantry of it is endearing, because you go like, the match is fun, the stunt fighting is fun, but it's everything around is...
Speaker 2:
[55:09] Yeah, it's a show. I don't know what happened. Like I look at my youth and people are like, well, I was into wrestling a bunch, or you were into sports. And I'm like, I wasn't into anything. And I'm like, what, what was I doing? Outside of just tearing out pictures of tits.
Speaker 1:
[55:26] I was just going through it.
Speaker 2:
[55:27] So they could shower on me. Like if I had these other interests, maybe there was like a well-rounded kid that's kind of horny, but I'm like, I'm looking back. Like that's the only defining thing I got going on. It's not like what other interests...
Speaker 1:
[55:37] But did you skateboard?
Speaker 2:
[55:38] I was a skateboard BMX kid. But also I just, I never was obsessive the way... Just other kids, like you have the time to be obsessive about something and know all the names and you have all the kuchermar like I'm gonna get this, I'm gonna have this on my cake for my birthday, it's gonna be a WWF cake or something.
Speaker 1:
[55:55] yeah.
Speaker 2:
[55:55] And I didn't have...
Speaker 1:
[55:56] Had a couple of those.
Speaker 2:
[55:57] Yeah, I was just like, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[55:58] I don't know what it was. 100% escapism. It was, wrestling was a way where I could just watch conflict be resolved in front of my face in a way that was satisfying.
Speaker 2:
[56:13] That the world wasn't providing for you. This is giving me closure on some things.
Speaker 1:
[56:18] 100%. 100%.
Speaker 2:
[56:21] As a good guy, and a bad guy, and most of the time the good guys would, sometimes the bad guy would, and that's how the life is. Occasionally unfair.
Speaker 1:
[56:29] You're nailing it. And then I obsessively got into sports, because I liked sports, but I also realized if I knew who everyone was, and I could talk about sports facts, when I'd visit my dad and he worked at a Bowling Alley bar, I could sit there and talk to the other men and they'd go, hey, this kid isn't a queer. They'd go, I like your boy, Gary. And I'd be like, 49ers, you're fucking seven and one, and Steve Young has seven touchdowns and two interceptions. And they're like, this little fucking weirdo.
Speaker 2:
[56:56] Yeah, all right, it's more numbers than I was planning on talking about, but all right.
Speaker 1:
[56:59] But it would always be a thing of kind of like, it was rooted in people pleasing. And like, because I liked it, so it was something I could talk about.
Speaker 2:
[57:07] And you got acknowledged in a positive way for it.
Speaker 1:
[57:10] Yeah, but like, I always wanted, I wish I was ballsy enough to be a skateboarder.
Speaker 2:
[57:15] I was never good at, I was the guy that would sit there and shit talk. I mean, it was always about being a smart ass. That's why there's the guy that's good.
Speaker 1:
[57:23] Yeah. Shout out Chris and Mitch. They were the best out of my friends.
Speaker 2:
[57:27] Greg was the guy that had the balls to try things. And the rest of us drank 40s and mocked to each other for not trying things. And also, like, all ages mute. Once I could start going to see punk shows in Chicago, that is what I did every weekend.
Speaker 1:
[57:43] That's awesome.
Speaker 2:
[57:44] And so I did have the thing that I got obsessed about, but that was not alienated me from the adults around me even further.
Speaker 1:
[57:51] That was, yeah, then they go, wow, this kid really doesn't want to talk to me.
Speaker 2:
[57:54] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[57:55] Going to punk shows, they're like, whoa.
Speaker 2:
[57:57] Got green hair at Christmas. Is that for Christmas or just because you're like gay or something? All right. All right, this is fun. It's good. It's got a midnight mass.
Speaker 1:
[58:04] You know what? Video games are that for me. I can just go like, I'm going to play video games. They go, I'm going to go play little video games. It's like, so I don't have to talk to you.
Speaker 2:
[58:11] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[58:11] You're not picking up on this. I don't like you, Joe.
Speaker 2:
[58:14] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[58:14] Mom's boyfriend. I want to go play WCW versus NWO Revenge on 64.
Speaker 2:
[58:19] Go play a little video game. Now, don't bother me. I got this pile of scratch offs I got to work through.
Speaker 1:
[58:23] That's exactly it. It really was like one of those things where you as a kid, you just try to find now everyone's in their phone. So you don't have to go outside. But when you were a kid, you had to like find a reason to go outside. You'd be like, I'm going to go to the park and skateboard, but I would ride my BMX. I had a BMX bike.
Speaker 2:
[58:40] Yeah, I was always out. I was always out. Not athletic, but just still out.
Speaker 1:
[58:44] I feel like kids are still out. I feel like that's a thing that we do in our older age. So we go, they don't do the thing, but I think they're still out. I, you like my friends that live in the burbs, I go out there and I see kids running around with bikes and shit.
Speaker 2:
[58:55] Do you get, well, that's what I love. This whole like, we didn't wear helmets riding bikes, we weren't no pussies. I'm like, you also didn't have X Games on High Def watching a guy do a double flip with a tail whip in the middle of it, and now you got a seven-year-old going, I'm riding off the roof. Like, let him wear the helmet.
Speaker 1:
[59:13] Yeah, let him. If they're gonna do crazy shit, also they don't make-
Speaker 2:
[59:16] And we did, we had kids with head injuries.
Speaker 1:
[59:18] Yeah, I remember one kid at my daycare, like after school program that had a head injury and had to wear a baseball helmet outside and I was like, yeah, it makes sense. He spilled his brains one time.
Speaker 2:
[59:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[59:29] Cause he wasn't no pussy. Yeah, but you know what it also is? They also make helmets cool now. They're not as lame as they were.
Speaker 2:
[59:36] Yeah, it's not a hand-me-down motorcycle helmet from the garage.
Speaker 1:
[59:39] Or the one with the big sponge on the side and it's pink with the visor. You can get a good helmet now.
Speaker 2:
[59:44] I mean, I still do mountain biking, so I'm gonna go out. I look like a dipshit every time I go out, but it's with a bunch of other middle-aged dudes that look like dipshits.
Speaker 1:
[59:52] Better have wrist guards on now, brother. You better have everything on. Knee pads, elbow pads.
Speaker 2:
[59:57] I just have the helmet, man. I'm pretty, pretty extreme, dude.
Speaker 1:
[60:02] Is there a guy in your middle-aged group that rides that is overprotected?
Speaker 2:
[60:12] Oh, there's a, I mean, because it's a dentist sport.
Speaker 1:
[60:15] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[60:16] It's, there's a moneyed entry to like the bikes and everything.
Speaker 1:
[60:20] Oh, yeah. You got to like buy a good bike.
Speaker 2:
[60:22] And that's what I like. Again, I don't know if you're planning on kids or anything. Nope.
Speaker 1:
[60:25] No kids.
Speaker 2:
[60:26] Okay. So that little bit of, what should I, yeah, buy whatever you want.
Speaker 1:
[60:31] I do that with my cousins and their kids or like my friends and their kids will be somewhere. And my friend's kid will be like, I want that. And they'll be like, you don't want to. And I go, you really want that? It's mostly pissed my friends off. Or they go, don't do that. And I go, I ain't want.
Speaker 2:
[60:46] Just raise them.
Speaker 1:
[60:48] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[60:48] That's your job. Tell them.
Speaker 1:
[60:49] I go, you got to tell them why he's feeling is wrong in this.
Speaker 2:
[60:53] Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[60:53] I just got to, I threaten my friends with Amazon drops. I threaten them.
Speaker 2:
[61:00] You're gonna be home between three and seven?
Speaker 1:
[61:01] Yeah. I go, some toys are coming. And I say that to them. I go, you fuck around and piss me off. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna silence you. I'm gonna send $300 worth of toys to your front door.
Speaker 2:
[61:13] My uncle would do that, but he would just buy like loud Christmas presents.
Speaker 1:
[61:17] Sick.
Speaker 2:
[61:17] Like, like hit sticks, which are drumsticks with a speaker that you could play on everything.
Speaker 1:
[61:21] I had a Hotlix guitar.
Speaker 2:
[61:22] Yeah, my sister didn't want him, but he's like, he wanted him because he wanted my mom to be like, what the fuck is this?
Speaker 1:
[61:28] It's the best thing in the world. Being this child.
Speaker 2:
[61:30] Drums, but anywhere. God, Jesus.
Speaker 1:
[61:31] The childless couple that presents the problematic present. Where you go, yeah, absolutely. I don't have to deal with it. I literally was telling one of my best friends, one of my oldest friends in the world, he has two, he has twins and a daughter, three daughters total, but two of them are twins. I was like, when you guys get into music, let me know, and they're little. And I go, you guys wanna play drums? They go, yeah! I go, I'll get you a whole kit. I go, you play guitar, I'll get you an amp stacked to the sky. It'll be like the beginning of Back to the Future.
Speaker 2:
[62:00] Get you a stepladder to turn it on. Yes.
Speaker 1:
[62:03] I'll get you a generator to run off of it.
Speaker 2:
[62:05] That's the basement I have now.
Speaker 1:
[62:06] That's sick.
Speaker 2:
[62:07] That's my basement. And there's little flashes of, come on, shouldn't I be doing something like, what else? What else was I supposed to be doing?
Speaker 1:
[62:17] Yeah, hell yeah. And knowing, I think knowing...
Speaker 2:
[62:20] And I live in a house. So now nobody else has to hear only the first half of Kickstart My Heart, except for me, for about four hours, depending on how many beers I've had.
Speaker 1:
[62:31] And depending on how many beers you have, sometimes it's going to be locked in, sometimes it's going to be real floppy.
Speaker 2:
[62:36] It's never locked in. It's just can you hear the enthusiasm?
Speaker 1:
[62:40] But that also is the thing of like, I understand I get that in life, and my friends get to feel a little love that I'll never feel.
Speaker 2:
[62:48] The reward of putting a good person in the world and seeing them develop, like I guess that's nice.
Speaker 1:
[62:55] But I also tell them, hey, I got the war chest, so if you ever need anything, we can help you out.
Speaker 2:
[63:01] Yeah, I've kind of been like, this is here for-
Speaker 1:
[63:04] Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 2:
[63:06] Community funds.
Speaker 1:
[63:07] If you pick the aunt and uncle life, if you pick to be the aunt and uncle in the world, you have to also understand that you have the war chest if they go, hey, my kid broke his arm and we can't fucking afford this knee dropping. Yeah, I got it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[63:20] What's your tasteful way of doing that without being tacky?
Speaker 1:
[63:23] With my friends?
Speaker 2:
[63:24] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[63:25] If they have a problem like that, which has happened.
Speaker 2:
[63:29] Because you can ask, if you ever need help, just ask and you know they won't ask.
Speaker 1:
[63:33] I'll collect the facts.
Speaker 2:
[63:35] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[63:35] And then I'll ask if I can help. And if they say no, and then we talk about it again, sometimes I'll get a little aggressive and go, hey, what's your email? I'm going to put you in touch. And then I put them in touch with the adult that runs my finances.
Speaker 2:
[63:52] Yeah, I got one of those.
Speaker 1:
[63:53] And I go, can you help my friend out? And then they go, and then like, my friends will wait until we're face to face again. And then they'll just like do like a hard shoulder grab and they'll go, thanks a lot. And you go, why don't you just fucking tell me first?
Speaker 2:
[64:08] Let me show you what I would have bought with that money so you don't feel bad about where it went.
Speaker 1:
[64:15] Did you think you can buy a human size fruit by the foot? Because you can. Six foot four of fruit by the foot.
Speaker 2:
[64:23] You know how I got a thing with even numbers and I only have seven mountain bikes right now? I would have just gotten another one. Because odd numbers creep me out.
Speaker 1:
[64:31] It really is a thing where you're like, dude, please let me help you. Because you're doing the hard thing of waking up and feeding them breakfast and telling them what numbers are and shit.
Speaker 2:
[64:39] Get a back brace for your kids. Get one for the other one too.
Speaker 1:
[64:42] But it's also like, sometimes my friends will come out to see a show and I know that they're tired or whatever and I'll be like, let me get you a hotel room. Why don't you stay at the hotel with me? You can hang out, you get a different room, and then you and your wife can have a fucking night in the hotel, because you don't get that. Then they go, and now I got to pay a sitter overnight? You go, all right, well, fucking. I don't know, dude, I'm trying to do something.
Speaker 2:
[65:05] Never mind, never mind, I always. Don't worry about it, don't come to the show.
Speaker 1:
[65:07] Yeah, I don't like you anymore, we're not friends. There's no war chest.
Speaker 2:
[65:10] Here's my bill for having to listen to you right now.
Speaker 1:
[65:12] Also, I'm sending $700 worth of toys and it's just noisemakers.
Speaker 2:
[65:16] Also, I want that Fruit by the Foot thing back.
Speaker 1:
[65:18] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[65:18] I know you didn't finish it.
Speaker 1:
[65:20] There's no way. There's no way because I spent years engineering that. Kyle Kinane is one of the best working stand-up comics. Please go watch him live. You will see great comedy. That's just even if he's working on new shit, you'll see great comedy. Watch Kyle Kinane, everything he has on YouTube.
Speaker 2:
[65:37] I'm going to follow up that promise.
Speaker 1:
[65:38] Yeah. Just go watch Good Stuff and Kyle Kinane's Good Stuff. That's a podcast.