transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:00] This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law, not available in all states.

Speaker 2:
[00:23] Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro.

Speaker 3:
[00:25] That's all I know how to do.

Speaker 2:
[00:26] Great.

Speaker 3:
[00:27] Good to be here.

Speaker 2:
[00:28] Welcome to Tuesdays with...

Speaker 3:
[00:29] Stories.

Speaker 2:
[00:31] Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

Speaker 3:
[00:33] And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Speaker 2:
[00:37] Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock.

Speaker 3:
[00:42] Who's there?

Speaker 2:
[00:44] Mark Norman and Joe List.

Speaker 3:
[00:45] Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Speaker 2:
[00:48] Ah, that's terrible.

Speaker 3:
[00:50] This is supposed to be cheesy. Ah, hey, here we are. We are back, baby. We're cooking.

Speaker 2:
[01:03] You sound and look and smell like hell.

Speaker 3:
[01:05] I'm top to bottom Fabletics by the way.

Speaker 2:
[01:08] Yeah, nice work.

Speaker 3:
[01:10] Great clothes. But yeah, yeah. My head feels like it's the size of a Rupert's ass. And right here, you get that pressure, that compacted, jizz snot mucus.

Speaker 2:
[01:21] Yeah, you just want to, I always want to put a syringe in there and then just pull it, see the yellow snot. That's coming, AI's coming.

Speaker 3:
[01:27] Bring it on, coming my ass, cause I am hurting and it's been days. I keep trying to kick it. I'm taking zinc and, you know, birth control, everything.

Speaker 2:
[01:38] That stuff is all horse shit. This is the thing, you know, of course. And you can ask ChatGBT, it'll be like, it gives you a slight edge, maybe a percentage, if you take vitamin C, whatever. But it's all about rest and time, time you'll love. And this is the thing, people, we always get tricked. We always think of cold. If you have something important, especially you're like, I'll knock it up, maybe three days, I'll knock it out.

Speaker 3:
[02:02] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[02:02] A cold is two weeks. For you're 100%. It's seven to 14 days. I mean, don't get me wrong, you can have, you'll have a scratchy throat or whatever. It's, you're not, you can go live your life.

Speaker 3:
[02:14] Yeah, throat goat.

Speaker 2:
[02:15] But it's two weeks.

Speaker 3:
[02:16] Two weeks.

Speaker 2:
[02:17] Before you're like, woo, before you're back to eating pussy and chewing gum.

Speaker 3:
[02:23] I feel like a pussy. I'm like wet and stinky.

Speaker 2:
[02:26] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[02:26] This is not good. But yeah, I thought it's been about six days. I thought I'd be cruising, but yeah, it's rough.

Speaker 2:
[02:33] Two weeks. I'm telling you, you better hope you don't get vestibular neuritis.

Speaker 3:
[02:39] Is that the ear thing?

Speaker 2:
[02:39] That's the ear thing, and you had tubes, and you're attached, and you're gay.

Speaker 3:
[02:43] Yes, so lobe over here. At least a lobe.

Speaker 2:
[02:46] Vestibular neuritis is, I'm fucked, Jerry.

Speaker 3:
[02:49] Yeah. Now, how are you doing with the tilting? How's your sidewalks?

Speaker 2:
[02:52] My tilt is bad. The sidewalks are okay, but it's a bad tilt.

Speaker 3:
[02:56] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[02:57] But yeah, it gets a little bit, you know what it's like?

Speaker 3:
[03:00] Tilting pleasure.

Speaker 2:
[03:00] It's, tilt the world. It's like the, show me your tilts. It's kind of like the baby growing. You don't notice it until you see a photo.

Speaker 3:
[03:11] Got it.

Speaker 2:
[03:12] But reverse, it's improving.

Speaker 3:
[03:13] I like that.

Speaker 2:
[03:14] It's still there, but I'm like, oh, I'm not throwing up and falling down, but it's still, so I'm not, it's improving so little that I barely notice the improvement.

Speaker 3:
[03:22] I see.

Speaker 2:
[03:22] Home improvement.

Speaker 3:
[03:23] Okay. So you are improving.

Speaker 2:
[03:29] I'm improving, I think, but I'm still whacking. When I lay down, I'm like, whoa. It's like I go full down syndrome as soon as I lay down.

Speaker 3:
[03:35] Crazy.

Speaker 2:
[03:36] But now I'm trying to embrace it and be like, hey, man.

Speaker 3:
[03:39] Right. The world's off kilter. Artemis too.

Speaker 2:
[03:43] But you forget, so you get up and you're like, what? The whole room fucking goes whack jobs.

Speaker 3:
[03:49] Damn.

Speaker 2:
[03:50] When I'm, when I'm in like a missionary, you're kind of, I'm looking down and back to see the tits and the leg.

Speaker 3:
[03:55] Sure, sure.

Speaker 2:
[03:56] And everything starts getting loop de loop. She starts looking like a man. So I come fast.

Speaker 3:
[04:01] Yeah. So is it, do her tits get whoa over here and a pub goes up here?

Speaker 2:
[04:07] No, it's just a brief like whoop. And now it's more fog. It's like frontal lobe fog.

Speaker 3:
[04:13] God hates fogs.

Speaker 2:
[04:15] Oh yeah. That's a real fogget.

Speaker 3:
[04:17] All right, jeez.

Speaker 2:
[04:19] But nobody's had it. I've never met anybody that has it. We did the sesh show the other night, hottest show of all time. Chuck was there. He rolled camera for about six minutes. This fucking ass.

Speaker 3:
[04:29] Jesus.

Speaker 2:
[04:30] Pulled a real salacuse on me.

Speaker 3:
[04:32] I hope you got some stuff.

Speaker 2:
[04:32] Come back, he's like, we only got eight minutes. And meanwhile, I look around, it's like Matt Wayne, Sam Merrill, Luis Lopez, some other retard, some asshole. I'm like, roll on these guys. Roll.

Speaker 4:
[04:47] You don't roll on a guy without talking to him. I don't want to roll on Sam without him.

Speaker 2:
[04:51] He can get prickly. Well, Matt Wayne was there. He's very funny. Oh yeah, Mike Toohey was there.

Speaker 4:
[04:56] I did a lot with Wayne when you were on the stage. Okay.

Speaker 3:
[04:59] Okay. Wayne's World.

Speaker 2:
[05:00] The people want to see Matt Wayne. That's what they pay for.

Speaker 3:
[05:03] Sure. He's selling hot tickets. All right.

Speaker 2:
[05:06] But anyways, so we'll have some, we'll have a hot, hot gay set, whatever the hell we're calling it. Green Room Hang. Green Room Hang. But there'll be a lot of on stage stuff.

Speaker 3:
[05:15] All right, good. Okay. So get some material out there. That's worth its weight in anal.

Speaker 2:
[05:19] Yeah, we did a lot of crowd worky stuff, a lot of riffing. We went pretty hard political right off the top, which was dicey and fun.

Speaker 3:
[05:27] Careful.

Speaker 2:
[05:27] Well, now we're getting to a place where everyone's like, I know.

Speaker 3:
[05:31] Right, right.

Speaker 2:
[05:31] But that's neither here nor there.

Speaker 3:
[05:33] There's a lot to talk about.

Speaker 2:
[05:34] But we had fun. But then there was a doctor in the house. There was a doctor lady, and I was asking her about vestibular neuritis.

Speaker 3:
[05:40] Wow, look at that. You're getting medical advice on the mic.

Speaker 2:
[05:43] And there was a physical therapist lady who sounded hot. I couldn't see her. I'm sure Chuck got some shots of her.

Speaker 3:
[05:50] How'd you look?

Speaker 2:
[05:51] Choo-choo?

Speaker 4:
[05:52] I was behind the... I was backstage.

Speaker 3:
[05:53] I see.

Speaker 2:
[05:54] I was backstage, hanging, schmoozing.

Speaker 3:
[05:56] Sure, not filming.

Speaker 4:
[05:57] Good time.

Speaker 3:
[05:58] Ah, jeez.

Speaker 2:
[05:59] By the way, I just remembered what I wanted to talk about.

Speaker 3:
[06:01] Ah.

Speaker 2:
[06:02] Off air, but I'll talk about it on air.

Speaker 3:
[06:03] All right, fuck it.

Speaker 2:
[06:04] We're watching all this Skankfest footage. I finally got to Miss Skankfest. Were you filming that?

Speaker 4:
[06:09] Miss Skankfest? Oh, my God, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[06:11] Dude.

Speaker 3:
[06:12] Who? What?

Speaker 2:
[06:12] They did Miss Skankfest, which is like Miss America, but Miss Skankfest.

Speaker 3:
[06:15] Oh, I didn't know that.

Speaker 2:
[06:16] Folks, you got to buy this movie just for this. Pussy! They show pussy, tits, fist fight. It was crazy. Women were taking out their tits and taking out another. The hottest woman I've ever seen was the Getting Lap dances. They're kissing on the lips. There's two sets of tits out. Shaved baby pussy. Just exposed ass, baby looking.

Speaker 3:
[06:41] Oh, okay, okay. Did she move the diaper?

Speaker 2:
[06:44] I missed Miss Skankfest. I missed Miss Skankfest.

Speaker 3:
[06:47] I missed it, too.

Speaker 4:
[06:48] Oh, my God. I got so many close-ups. I could not have framed it better. I was so happy with that footage.

Speaker 2:
[06:53] I knew which camera was yours, because the tits would come out and go, whoo.

Speaker 3:
[06:56] Yes, that's right.

Speaker 2:
[06:57] I was like, well, there's Chuck.

Speaker 4:
[06:58] But the craziest one was this girl was twerking, this larger lady, and she's twerking towards the other side, twerking towards this side. She twerks towards me.

Speaker 3:
[07:06] Twerking for the money.

Speaker 4:
[07:08] Flashing purple butt plug.

Speaker 2:
[07:10] Oh. Crazy.

Speaker 3:
[07:12] You probably only get to see it every rotation.

Speaker 4:
[07:15] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[07:16] It was...

Speaker 2:
[07:17] It's nuts. Like, I was watching it. I wasn't there for it. And I had heard, I knew how it was some things, but I'm watching it, like, on the edge of my seat with a dick that's rock harder than fucking Apollo 8. I couldn't believe it.

Speaker 3:
[07:29] Send that over. I got to look at the footage, study the game film. I want to see the Salakus so I can see the tit-shake.

Speaker 2:
[07:35] Well, I don't know where the hell he was, but this thing is going to be hotcakes. And we got Hinchcliffe, Gillis, you. You're not miked, of course. Thank you. But I mean, who else we got?

Speaker 3:
[07:50] We got Stan Hope.

Speaker 2:
[07:51] Big J. Stan Hope's all over it. David Tell's all over it. Greg Fitzsimmons is all over it.

Speaker 3:
[07:56] Tim Dill.

Speaker 2:
[07:57] Tim Dillon's all over it.

Speaker 3:
[07:58] Bobby.

Speaker 2:
[07:59] Bobby Kelly's in there.

Speaker 3:
[08:00] There you go. Soder.

Speaker 2:
[08:03] Soder's in there.

Speaker 3:
[08:04] Boy, this is a hoes hoes.

Speaker 2:
[08:05] We got to name some minorities, for god's sakes.

Speaker 3:
[08:06] I know. Makim, what's his name, Aimee?

Speaker 2:
[08:09] Naeem Ali was there, yeah. Jamar Neighbors is in there.

Speaker 3:
[08:13] He's handsome.

Speaker 2:
[08:14] Drew Montana is in it.

Speaker 3:
[08:15] He's white.

Speaker 2:
[08:16] The Palmer Squares are all over this thing. Zac Amico is rapping. I'm back to white guys.

Speaker 3:
[08:21] Sagalow.

Speaker 2:
[08:22] Sagalow.

Speaker 3:
[08:24] Another honky. But yeah, yeah. Well, Lewis is a-

Speaker 2:
[08:27] He's brown and gay. Yeah, poor Harik. Holy shit. Wait till you see this.

Speaker 3:
[08:32] I cannot wait. There you go. Buy it just for that. I went and saw Mr. Skankfest, and it was just me and Amico in a room. So-

Speaker 2:
[08:39] That was the thing. Lewis, he was hammered the whole time, so he kept saying, we're going to crown Ms. New Skankfest. He meant to say New Ms. Skankfest. We kept saying Ms. New Skankfest over and over again.

Speaker 3:
[08:49] Oh, that's fun.

Speaker 2:
[08:50] Worth mentioning on the podcast, I guess.

Speaker 3:
[08:51] But it was fun. Drunk, how think do you drunk I am?

Speaker 2:
[08:55] There was some great, great lines. And by the way, shout out to Patrick Holbert, our director of photography, editor, co-producer. This guy-

Speaker 3:
[09:03] Will be.

Speaker 2:
[09:04] You know, he went on the Gravitron. It's totally upside out. It's going 300 miles an hour. He's focused. He's zooming in and out. Patrick Holbert should sit down with many cameramen and teach a class, this guy.

Speaker 3:
[09:20] I was going to say, he's the anti-accused.

Speaker 2:
[09:21] I mean, he's literally going upside down, 300 miles an hour, and the camera is just rock steady.

Speaker 3:
[09:27] He's like a gyroscope. He doesn't flip.

Speaker 2:
[09:29] You can't believe it. And anyways, Chuck filled seven minutes for a bonus.

Speaker 3:
[09:34] Nice.

Speaker 4:
[09:35] I filmed a good amount.

Speaker 2:
[09:36] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[09:36] Are you going to hit the 30?

Speaker 4:
[09:38] Oh, without a doubt.

Speaker 3:
[09:39] All right. All right. That's all that matters.

Speaker 4:
[09:40] You're going to love it. You guys are going to both love it.

Speaker 2:
[09:42] It's going to be insane. So get on the Patreon, see some behind the scenes stuff and a bunch of onstage stuff.

Speaker 3:
[09:47] Great. That's cool. You get a private screening of the Sess show. It's the hottest show in town. It's underground. It's New York, Lower East Side. It's fun stuff.

Speaker 2:
[09:57] By the way, Sam came in. He had me on the floor.

Speaker 3:
[10:01] And it's new shit. He just recorded a thing.

Speaker 2:
[10:05] I was dying. I mean, just dying laughing. You know, it's hard to get rolling as a comic when you usually just go, Oh, that's funny. That's a good bit.

Speaker 3:
[10:12] Right, right.

Speaker 2:
[10:13] I mean, I was like fucking pissing my pants. I almost had to leave because I felt like I was distracting the show because I couldn't stop laughing.

Speaker 3:
[10:19] He's a killer. He's a beast. He's one of the greats out there. So check him out.

Speaker 2:
[10:24] Absolutely.

Speaker 3:
[10:24] He's all over the road and he's got something coming out soon. Who knows when?

Speaker 2:
[10:29] Yeah, he's got a thing in the can.

Speaker 3:
[10:30] He shot it. That's got to feel good.

Speaker 2:
[10:32] And speaking of in the can, I hate to just start promoting, but it's also what I want to talk about. The story telling show, the end, Ari Show. This is going to be huge.

Speaker 3:
[10:42] This is big. I mean, talk about lineup. The Skankfest doc versus the Ari Show. I mean, I don't know who's got more who's who.

Speaker 2:
[10:51] Well, he's got me beat, I think, because he's got Nate, Okay, got Nate. Segura.

Speaker 3:
[10:55] All right.

Speaker 2:
[10:57] And also Shane, also Soder, also you.

Speaker 3:
[10:59] True, but you got Tim Dill, you got Stan Hope, you got a Tell and No Blacks.

Speaker 2:
[11:05] That's true. That's true. Well, the storytelling show. How about this? One episode. Who's on your episode? Do you know?

Speaker 3:
[11:12] It's me, Ari and Duncan Trussell. Weird mix. I know. But the beauty is it all gets paid the same.

Speaker 2:
[11:21] How about this?

Speaker 3:
[11:22] It's favorite nations, as they say.

Speaker 2:
[11:24] Sarah's episode, Dan Soder, Sam Talent, Shane Gillis. Whoa! She's got to blow past me, which I hope, because I'd love to just stay home on a weekend.

Speaker 3:
[11:34] Sure. That'd be nice. Take care of the boy and eat pizza.

Speaker 2:
[11:37] She's going to be huge. It's Sam Talent, Shane Gillis, Soder, Sarah, Ari. That's the episode.

Speaker 3:
[11:43] How'd she get a fiver?

Speaker 2:
[11:44] She's going to set. Well, Soder and Shane went on together.

Speaker 3:
[11:47] Ah, so that's a one.

Speaker 2:
[11:48] So she's just going to be the biggest comics in sliced cheese.

Speaker 3:
[11:53] Good for her. She's getting a bump.

Speaker 2:
[11:55] I'm going to be left in the dust. I'm on with Chuck and Salacuse. I don't even know who I'm with.

Speaker 3:
[11:59] Yeah, Rupert was on mine, but they didn't have a wide lens. But you got to just sit back and collect those checks while your sidewalk's walking.

Speaker 2:
[12:08] Yeah, it's going to be crazy and everyone's going to want to see that thing. So go check that out. By the way, I saw Ari for the first time. This pimple, he's such a queefy guy. He's like, we got to hang out. I got to catch up with you. I haven't seen you in nine months. And to me, I'm like, okay, well, I'll see you around wherever. And I'm like, come by the regs. We're doing the regs or come over my house this day. He's like, no, no, I want one on one time. We got to go for a walk. I'm like, okay. So it ended up being a Sunday. He's like, I'll fly directly to your house. I'll come straight to your house with my suitcase. What? His flight's like delayed. So it's like Sunday at 5 PM. I'm unwinding, I'm in my pajamas. I got my purple butt plug in.

Speaker 3:
[12:52] That's promo chill time.

Speaker 2:
[12:54] Exactly. Primo, sorry. So anyways, he shows up. Then he goes, now I was gonna buy, we started talking New York Austin, expansiveness, how expensive New York City is. What are you making this? He goes, I know, this is his example. And he wasn't being funny. He's being earnest and Jewish. He goes, yeah man, it is outrageous. He's like, I was gonna buy you a record. Like I just was at a record store. I thought, let me pick up List a record for a nice gift. Nice little house warming gift. It was like 40 bucks. So yeah, it should be 20 bucks. So I didn't get it. I'm like this. What is this story?

Speaker 3:
[13:29] Oh yeah, I'm gonna start doing that with my wife.

Speaker 2:
[13:32] He's literally like, I was gonna get you a gift, but it was too expensive. And that's his contribution to New York is so expensive. I'm like, first of all, you're a multi-millionaire.

Speaker 3:
[13:42] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[13:43] Why even tell me?

Speaker 3:
[13:44] Exactly.

Speaker 2:
[13:45] I thought about buying you a car, but man, this is pricey, so I just didn't do anything.

Speaker 3:
[13:49] Yeah, yeah. I was gonna get you the engagement ring, but it was a little high, so we're not getting married.

Speaker 2:
[13:56] So that's it. Exactly. I'm like, what the hell kind of story is that?

Speaker 3:
[13:59] That's cuckoo.

Speaker 2:
[14:00] And he said it just like a serious face. Like we're all like, yeah, I bought groceries the other day. That was 100 bucks. I bought my sister's ass. That was 40 bucks. Yeah, I was gonna buy you a record, but it was too much.

Speaker 3:
[14:09] I know. He said some weird stuff to me. And I have a theory that he was on Machu Picchu time over there with other people and no one was checking him. He's hanging out with a bunch of pigmies and a bunch of brown guys with spears. So everything he says, they're like, yes, sir, yes, sir. And now he's back here with comics and we're going, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 2:
[14:26] Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about?

Speaker 3:
[14:28] Now we can zing him again. So he'll get right eventually, but it's gonna take a month of shitting on him.

Speaker 2:
[14:34] And he's off to London. And then I thought he was gonna be in London. When I was there, I was like, this is gonna be great. You can come out, you can open. It's gonna be a special guest. It'll be crazy. And he's like, no, I'm not getting there till June. I'm like, yeah, you me again.

Speaker 3:
[14:46] Yeah, he's a funny one. He's like, hey, will you do Story Wars with me? I'm like, I got four shows. He's like, could help the show. Promotion. I'm like, well, I got four shows, ones in Jersey. He's like, come by Story Wars. And I'm like, what does that mean? I'm telling you, I can't do it.

Speaker 2:
[15:03] Well, there's these guys, every one of my goddamn friends, Bobby's like this, Louis is like this, Ari's like this. You go, oh, I can't do it. Well, why don't you cancel everything you've ever done in your life? Why don't you come with me instead? I don't get it, I can't go.

Speaker 3:
[15:16] I can't go. Also, I kind of don't want to. Can we factor that in? I'd rather do the sets.

Speaker 2:
[15:21] Factor. They are sponsored.

Speaker 3:
[15:24] Oh yeah, factor.

Speaker 2:
[15:25] Remember that?

Speaker 3:
[15:25] They were good. Anyway, some decent shakes.

Speaker 2:
[15:28] All right, so where you been there? How'd you get sick? Did you blow a guy?

Speaker 3:
[15:31] I wish, at least I knew where it came from. I think I know what it was, and it's gross if you're sitting down.

Speaker 2:
[15:37] I'm sitting.

Speaker 3:
[15:37] All right. So I was sitting on my couch, watching a flick, and I was noticing my nails were long, and I started biting my nails, and I got a weird tang. I just was like, go! What the hell was that flavor? I think that was it. I think I got some bacteria, some something shit from a subway pole. I shook a hobo's hand. I figured my baby. I don't know what it was, but I think I got some kind of illness in me. And sorry. I think that's what did it. The next day I woke up, I was just like, whoa, whoa, I felt horrible. I took a zinc, because I thought that would cure me. And I puked. Right there. Just took a zinc and was like, whoa.

Speaker 2:
[16:25] Oh, zinc will make you puke. Empty stomach.

Speaker 3:
[16:27] Yes, yes.

Speaker 2:
[16:28] You take a zinc on an empty stomach. Forget about it.

Speaker 3:
[16:30] But I do it a lot. So I thought, ah, it's just a little squeeze. And then all of a sudden I was like, and then I hate puking, so I held it in and I was like, let me shit. And I took a shit.

Speaker 2:
[16:40] That could be COVID. Sounds like COVID.

Speaker 3:
[16:42] Really?

Speaker 2:
[16:43] Well, COVID I puked the first time I had it. I think you have COVID.

Speaker 3:
[16:46] I've had COVID so many times. Oh, he's backing up. Sorry. I feel like a bio has it over here.

Speaker 2:
[16:50] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[16:51] I feel like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Speaker 2:
[16:53] The head, the fatigue.

Speaker 3:
[16:54] Big fatigue.

Speaker 2:
[16:55] Throw up.

Speaker 3:
[16:56] Yeah. Well, how do you beat COVID?

Speaker 2:
[17:00] You wait it out. I don't know. Talk to Rogan. He's got fucking ivermectin and the other thing.

Speaker 3:
[17:05] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[17:06] Which that's alternative.

Speaker 3:
[17:08] Holistic.

Speaker 2:
[17:09] Drugs.

Speaker 3:
[17:10] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[17:11] Nothing to do with the vaccine people. Totally different group of people.

Speaker 3:
[17:14] I took the vaccine. I took the booster. But I guess that was three years ago or whatever.

Speaker 2:
[17:18] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[17:19] But yeah.

Speaker 2:
[17:20] It was like six years ago.

Speaker 3:
[17:21] Where's it all going? But.

Speaker 2:
[17:24] Up my ass.

Speaker 3:
[17:25] I guess I got COVID from a fingernail or something.

Speaker 2:
[17:27] No, germs don't have a taste. They just happen. Germs are around. Probably got it from rupid farting or whatever.

Speaker 3:
[17:34] All right.

Speaker 2:
[17:34] They're just around. We're on the subway and we're not big hand washers.

Speaker 3:
[17:37] No.

Speaker 2:
[17:38] I wash my hands like 20 times a year.

Speaker 3:
[17:41] If that. I only do it if someone's watching me.

Speaker 2:
[17:43] Yeah. You know, I've seen you shit and not wash your hands. It was quite a sight.

Speaker 3:
[17:48] What? Why do you guys watch me shit?

Speaker 2:
[17:51] Well, the old office, we used to shit next to each other. Battle shits.

Speaker 3:
[17:56] Oh, sure.

Speaker 2:
[17:58] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[17:58] You guys wash after shit? Of course.

Speaker 2:
[18:01] Yeah. Yeah, I try to.

Speaker 3:
[18:02] You said 20 a year.

Speaker 2:
[18:04] If I. Yeah, I take 20.

Speaker 3:
[18:06] All right. Get out of here. 20 shits a year, you'd be dead.

Speaker 2:
[18:10] This is a funny bit, by the way.

Speaker 3:
[18:12] It's like Rupert.

Speaker 2:
[18:12] I think this could be a bit. I'm like every day I shit like clockwork at like 11 a.m. And every day I'm surprised by it. Like I'm at the playground. I'm like this. Whoa, what is that? What the fuck?

Speaker 3:
[18:23] Right.

Speaker 2:
[18:24] It's kind of funny, right? Like somehow literally every day I'm like, oh my God, Sarah, I gotta go shit like.

Speaker 3:
[18:29] Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2:
[18:29] You think I should just be like, there it is.

Speaker 3:
[18:31] Yeah, it's like an alarm.

Speaker 2:
[18:33] Somehow every day the exact same time, I have eggs and cheese and a caffeine. I'm like this, oh my God, something's happening.

Speaker 3:
[18:40] That is funny.

Speaker 2:
[18:41] I gotta shit. It's like, yeah, yeah, you gotta shit for the 17,000th day in a row.

Speaker 3:
[18:46] You treat it like a water breaking. This is it.

Speaker 2:
[18:48] It's happening. I'm like, oh my God. And I'm like sweating. I'm like, I gotta leave now. I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 3:
[18:52] The car's packed.

Speaker 2:
[18:54] Did this happen to me? There's something funny there.

Speaker 3:
[18:55] There's a bag by the door. Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 2:
[18:57] All right. Hey folks, get rid of your old skid marked shitty panties. They got blood. They got shit. Get yourself some Sheath.

Speaker 3:
[19:05] Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:
[19:06] I love Sheath. Sheath underwear is the best. It's got two pouches, one for your dick, one for your balls. I'm not even looking at the goddamn copy. I love Sheath. I love Robert Patton. This guy's been sending us underwear up and down, over and out, up the ass for years. You know it. We're always wearing it. It's the best underwear. I didn't know exactly what it looks like. I just got some new ones. It looks like a bowling ball print. It's so cool. And I was wearing it the other day. Marty was like, that looks like a dragon. They got dragon underwear.

Speaker 3:
[19:32] That's cool.

Speaker 2:
[19:33] It's fucking awesome. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order. Plus Sheath Underwear's 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Use promo code Tuesdays with a G, cause he's an OG. G unit. Get Sheath Underwear. Support the show. Support your balls. He's the man. This underwear is the best. It's all I ever wear. Get on it for the love of Christ.

Speaker 3:
[20:02] Hear, hear. Hey folks, nothing kills momentum faster than miscommunication. That's why today's episode is brought to you by QoW. The smarter way to run your business, communications. QoW is the number one rated business phone system. The QoW app works on your phone or computer, wherever you are. Get calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all in one place. Communicate faster, stay aligned, and deliver results with QoW. Make this time where no opportunity slips away. Try QoW for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to qo.com/tuesdays. That's quo.com/tuesdays. QoW! No missed calls. No missed customers.

Speaker 2:
[20:49] QoW, get it!

Speaker 3:
[20:50] Yeah!

Speaker 2:
[20:51] Mayor QoMo.

Speaker 3:
[20:54] No QoMo.

Speaker 2:
[20:54] Back to the QoW. Hey folks, right now, there's never been a time to launch your business using Shopify. I would not be caught dead launching a business without Shopify. I was just talking to Lewis J. Gomez, our boy, our buddy. He's got Body Brain Coffee, great product. He uses Shopify. He was telling me, in private, not even on a podcast, he's like, it's so easy to use, it's so fantastic, I would be lost without Shopify. I use Shopify. He uses Shopify.

Speaker 3:
[21:19] Love it.

Speaker 2:
[21:20] He uses Shopify. That lady that just walked by, she's never heard of Shopify, but you have.

Speaker 3:
[21:24] She's out of the loop.

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Speaker 3:
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Speaker 3:
[22:06] Cha-ching. All right. So yeah, just woke up feeling like hell, but the day before was a great day. So the wife, ever since the Olympic hockey win, she's back in the hockey. She played as a high schooler, she's obsessed. She's back in, she joined a league, and she goes, I want to go to a Rangers game. And I said, all right, I think I can hook that up. Hit up the Jews, got some tickets. We go to the Devils.

Speaker 2:
[22:33] The Devils.

Speaker 3:
[22:33] The Devils.

Speaker 2:
[22:34] Fun rivalry.

Speaker 4:
[22:36] Where did you go? I went Sunday.

Speaker 3:
[22:37] I went Tuesday.

Speaker 4:
[22:38] Wow, that's crazy.

Speaker 3:
[22:39] How about that?

Speaker 2:
[22:40] That's not that crazy.

Speaker 3:
[22:41] A week ago. So we take the night off, we go to the Rangers, and my favorite thing is to get the food, because it's a VIP seat, so you get the lounge.

Speaker 2:
[22:51] Oh yeah.

Speaker 3:
[22:52] And you get, I mean, they have a spread in there with a full bar, TV. I mean, it is quite a setup. It's lunch. So she shows up. We get there a little, the game's at 7, we get there like 6.50. So they usher you in. You gotta go through the metal detector, all that crap. You go through the elevator, and the guy starts walking us to the rink. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, where's the food? And he goes, oh, well, game starts in like eight minutes. You might want to get your seat. I go, are you nuts? Lounge.

Speaker 2:
[23:23] Yeah, get the food.

Speaker 3:
[23:24] You gotta go to the lounge. So he's like, oh, okay, I just didn't know if you wanted to go. Most people show up at six. I was like, hey, blow me. So we go to the lounge, we pig out, I overeat. We get to the seats, I get a couple of vodka sodas, get to the seat, got my popcorn, my cocktail, we sit down, you get a nice row, second row. Right in front of the glass, there's a guy, a teenager, and a mom. So a dad, a son, and a mom. We shuffle past them, sit down, and I'm sitting there watching the game, eating my popcorn, and the wife goes, is that who I think it is? I was like, huh, who's that? I can't get a look at her. Sitting next to the wife, Pluribus Lady.

Speaker 2:
[24:10] What's that?

Speaker 3:
[24:11] Pluribus, hit show on Apple.

Speaker 2:
[24:14] Oh.

Speaker 3:
[24:14] Vince Gilligan, the guy who did Breaking Bad, same director, Pluribus.

Speaker 2:
[24:20] I feel terrible.

Speaker 3:
[24:21] He's a, it's a big show, people like it.

Speaker 2:
[24:24] I've never even heard of it in my life.

Speaker 3:
[24:26] Oh, I think he would enjoy it.

Speaker 2:
[24:27] Okay.

Speaker 3:
[24:27] It's very smart, fun show.

Speaker 2:
[24:29] I'm watching some shows now. I'm a show guy now.

Speaker 3:
[24:31] It's a hot show. Put this on the list there, Fanny, because it's a, it's a whole, what do you call, symbolic metaphor for communism. And they really, they really do some social calm.

Speaker 2:
[24:46] I see. So it's a show on Apple TV.

Speaker 3:
[24:49] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[24:50] Apple TV, I don't know anyone that's ever watched a show on Apple TV.

Speaker 3:
[24:53] Ted Lasso.

Speaker 2:
[24:54] Oh my God, I hate that.

Speaker 3:
[24:55] Studio.

Speaker 2:
[24:56] Oh, that's on Apple TV.

Speaker 3:
[24:57] Studio. Apple's good.

Speaker 2:
[24:58] Severance.

Speaker 3:
[24:59] Severance is the biggest show.

Speaker 2:
[25:01] I'm an ass head, I don't know. I'm watching DTF St. Louis.

Speaker 3:
[25:04] That's fun.

Speaker 2:
[25:05] It's fun. The episode yesterday was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It was horrible.

Speaker 3:
[25:09] You live and die by these EPs.

Speaker 2:
[25:11] I mean, it was really horrible.

Speaker 3:
[25:12] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[25:13] And I watched the other one, The Beast in Me, which one episode was horrible, that one too.

Speaker 3:
[25:17] Very good.

Speaker 2:
[25:17] One of the stupidest shows ever, but so fun.

Speaker 3:
[25:19] Very fun.

Speaker 2:
[25:20] Fun and stupid. But so, is she a hot lady? Can you pull her up?

Speaker 3:
[25:27] I'd like to see this lady.

Speaker 2:
[25:28] Pull her up.

Speaker 3:
[25:28] She's a normal looking lady. I wouldn't say she's hot. I wouldn't say she's ugly. She's like a nice looking lady.

Speaker 2:
[25:33] I thought you meant like E Pluribus Unum, like it was Margaret Thatcher. Who's the lady on the bill?

Speaker 3:
[25:38] Mary Todd? No.

Speaker 2:
[25:40] No, no, no.

Speaker 3:
[25:41] Susan B. Anthony.

Speaker 2:
[25:42] Susan B. No, it wasn't her either. Michael B.

Speaker 3:
[25:44] Jordan.

Speaker 2:
[25:44] Betsy Ross.

Speaker 3:
[25:45] That's the one.

Speaker 2:
[25:46] Oh, okay. That's my cup.

Speaker 3:
[25:48] Oh, that's right up your angle.

Speaker 2:
[25:49] That's like my speed. Yeah. Looks like kind of a mean mother.

Speaker 3:
[25:52] Yes, yes. That's a step mom who grounds you. So we're sitting next to her. So it's already a great night. We're drinking, we're eating. The wife looks like a million bucks. She's all dolled up. She's sitting next to the pluribus lady. They get a photo. The pluribus lady couldn't be nicer. I should probably know her name.

Speaker 2:
[26:09] I can't believe your wife recognized this lady.

Speaker 3:
[26:12] Well, we watched the show.

Speaker 2:
[26:13] Oh, have you seen the show?

Speaker 3:
[26:14] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[26:15] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[26:16] It's on TV.

Speaker 2:
[26:17] All right, I gotta see this pluribus.

Speaker 3:
[26:19] Yeah, it's a great show. So she goes, I love your jacket. And the wife goes, oh, it's very affordable. Which was a cute little moment. She's like, why am I telling this big actress that the jacket is cheap?

Speaker 2:
[26:29] Well, these days, who knows? The business is all wonky woo.

Speaker 3:
[26:32] That's a good point.

Speaker 2:
[26:33] She might be broke.

Speaker 3:
[26:34] That's a good point. So we're watching the game. It's a fucking great game. The Rangers are kicking ass. And then we get a goalie fight. I mean, this is like a full moon.

Speaker 2:
[26:46] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[26:46] Once in a lifetime. Just two guys, gloves off, going at it.

Speaker 2:
[26:50] Oh, I missed it.

Speaker 3:
[26:51] Everybody's on their feet, grabbing the jersey. Whoa. And the ref just lets them go. You know what it feels like? It feels like, cause you know, these guys train all day and they work so hard. They get checked and lose teeth. But the goalie fight, everybody loved. Like you can see some people were on their phone the whole game, but once they're fighting, it's like when you do a crowd work bit, the kill is harder than all your material.

Speaker 2:
[27:14] Right.

Speaker 3:
[27:14] You know, you're like, I worked like six months on that joke, but the riff about the guy being fat and ugly, that's a hit.

Speaker 2:
[27:20] Well, and you want to go, you guys should check out UFC. Yeah, it's just this for like a half an hour straight.

Speaker 3:
[27:27] That's true. I love the UFC.

Speaker 2:
[27:29] It's like these guys throw three punches, two of them land. Maybe the rest is just kind of jockeying for positions, swings and misses.

Speaker 3:
[27:36] Yeah. And it wasn't even a great fight. It was a lot of like hitting the shoulder because they got the pads on and everything. But I think that's part of the fun is that it's a different sport. So now they're doing another sport in the middle of another sport.

Speaker 2:
[27:48] Right.

Speaker 3:
[27:49] You know, it's like if you were playing ping pong, you started blowing me.

Speaker 2:
[27:52] It's like the old joke. I went to a fight and the hockey game broke out.

Speaker 3:
[27:55] There you go, Eddie Youngman. So yeah, then you get to go at halftime. You get to pig out more and eat more. And I'm talking to some guy.

Speaker 2:
[28:04] Halftime of the hockey game.

Speaker 3:
[28:06] What do you call that?

Speaker 2:
[28:07] Intermission.

Speaker 3:
[28:07] Thank you. Intermission. Why can't we call it halftime?

Speaker 2:
[28:11] Well, it's thirds.

Speaker 3:
[28:12] Ah.

Speaker 2:
[28:14] Halftime would be, you know, ten minutes left in the second period.

Speaker 3:
[28:17] That's fair. All right, so I get in there. I'm in the green room and this guy goes, Hey, I saw you at Gillis' show. He's like a guy who works there. And I'm like, Oh, hey, cool. I barely made it to that when I had to sneak in. He was like, I heard the whole story. He goes, you want to take a photo on the ice after? Because he works there. And I go, Oh, my God. So I tell the lady, I'm like racking up points here.

Speaker 2:
[28:38] This is huge.

Speaker 3:
[28:40] So I'll send it to you, we'll post it. We go out there, bam, look at that, right on the ice after the game, with a good buzz going.

Speaker 2:
[28:50] Did you put on skates?

Speaker 3:
[28:51] No, you just shimmy out there like a baby deer.

Speaker 2:
[28:54] Like the coach.

Speaker 3:
[28:55] Yeah, and of course I had to do a long run and slide, and then I fell.

Speaker 2:
[29:00] You guys are like Rocky and Adrian.

Speaker 3:
[29:01] Exactly, yes.

Speaker 2:
[29:03] Give me the blades.

Speaker 3:
[29:04] Yeah, I got CTE, and we took a gay photo, and then we went home and had sex.

Speaker 2:
[29:10] Wow, center ice at Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 3:
[29:12] Magical night.

Speaker 2:
[29:13] That's special.

Speaker 3:
[29:15] It was fun, and everything was like a make-a-wish, and now she's in a league.

Speaker 2:
[29:20] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[29:21] So there you go. My wife is in a league.

Speaker 2:
[29:23] I'd want to fuck her with ice skates. Put the skates on, hold them up.

Speaker 3:
[29:27] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[29:27] That'd be cool.

Speaker 3:
[29:28] That could get dangerous though. You got those two skates in the air. If she gets an orgasm, you might get scar-faced.

Speaker 2:
[29:34] The helmet, I'd have the helmet on, the mask, the shoulder pads. Yo, Folk, put a goalie stick in her ass.

Speaker 3:
[29:40] Oh, now we're talking.

Speaker 2:
[29:41] A puck in the mouth.

Speaker 3:
[29:43] Oh, I like that.

Speaker 2:
[29:44] I mean, I do a bit about it, but you just want to use anything.

Speaker 3:
[29:47] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[29:48] The longer you're together, you're just like, give me anything. Put on a fucking Ray Bork jersey and a cup.

Speaker 3:
[29:54] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[29:55] A Stanley cup.

Speaker 3:
[29:56] Although she's a goalie, so it might be hard to get in.

Speaker 2:
[29:58] Hey.

Speaker 3:
[29:59] You know.

Speaker 2:
[29:59] That mask is even better because it's hard to see the face. You can pretend it's Andy Moog in there or some, you know, Reggie Levin, someone hot.

Speaker 3:
[30:07] Moog Island. Yeah. So it was a great night. Then the next day, I was sick as a dog. So maybe I got something from the garden.

Speaker 2:
[30:15] Seven thousand people there. It's a lot of fucking germs.

Speaker 3:
[30:18] Took a lot of hands. But then I was sick. I woke up sick as a dick. And then I have to go to a gig. It was like your thing. I had to go to Kentucky.

Speaker 2:
[30:28] Oh, Lexington.

Speaker 3:
[30:29] Lexington. Great club. Great town. But two flights. So, you get up early. I've puked. It's too late to cancel. So, I say bye to the boy. And I get on an Uber. Get on a flight. Then another flight. And you're just like this on the flight. Like, uh, uh. And everybody's like, what's up with this guy? I got the puke bag ready. Brutal. You land. You go, maybe I'll kick it. I got one show tonight. I'll get through that. And then I should be good. One good night of sleep. Drug myself. Wake up the next day.

Speaker 2:
[31:01] Worse. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[31:03] Big head. So I do the thing where I-

Speaker 2:
[31:05] We're getting COVID.

Speaker 3:
[31:06] CVS. 1.1 mile. All right. I'll walk it. I'll get some sun. Sweat it out. Now I'm on the side of the highway in, you know, basketball shorts and a T-shirt, like just walking down like Kung Fu.

Speaker 2:
[31:21] Like De Niro. That's not a bad De Niro.

Speaker 3:
[31:24] Hey, all right.

Speaker 2:
[31:26] It's not a great De Niro.

Speaker 3:
[31:27] It's not a bad one. I'll take it. I hate Trump. All right.

Speaker 2:
[31:33] That's pretty good.

Speaker 3:
[31:36] So then I go to CVS. The pharmacy is closed for some reason. I just want to talk to the guy. Don't you just want to talk to the guy?

Speaker 2:
[31:42] Of course.

Speaker 3:
[31:42] I just want to go, what do I need? Tell me everything. Give it to me. You're a doctor. You know stuff.

Speaker 2:
[31:48] Well, I think I did. I mentioned this in last week's episode. The lady at Urgent Care was like, you need this medicine. And then I went to the ear, nose, throat. She's like, don't take that medicine.

Speaker 3:
[31:56] Oh, what's up with that?

Speaker 2:
[31:57] So I was like, oh, all right. So I, you know, this one's the specialist.

Speaker 3:
[32:00] Right.

Speaker 2:
[32:01] It was very curb.

Speaker 3:
[32:02] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[32:03] All right. I guess I won't take that.

Speaker 3:
[32:05] And yeah, we don't know. It's like your Johnson Rod.

Speaker 2:
[32:07] Exactly.

Speaker 3:
[32:08] I got to listen to anything.

Speaker 2:
[32:10] Sure.

Speaker 3:
[32:11] So the pharmacy is closed. So I just Google, I chat GBT best thing for what I have. And they say, get a Z-Pak.

Speaker 2:
[32:19] Z-Pak. I've heard about the Z-Pak.

Speaker 3:
[32:21] Z-Pak, you need a prescription.

Speaker 2:
[32:24] Ah, Z-Pak Shakur.

Speaker 3:
[32:25] So then I go, OK, what's the closest to a Z-Pak over the counter? And they say, nothing. Fuck you. Kill yourself. And I go, all right, great. So I just bought everything. Sudafed. I got the nasal spray. I got the drink. I got the day quill, the night quill, the morning quill, TJ quill, and just left there with a big sack. And I'm just on the side of the highway, popping all of it.

Speaker 2:
[32:49] I woke up in the Hudson River in a sack.

Speaker 3:
[32:52] I'm popping everything. I'm drinking my Gatorade. I just got back to the room and just, ah, two shows that night. You plow through, sell some merch. All right, tonight, I'm going to bed. Tons of sleeping pill, all the pills again. Wake up.

Speaker 2:
[33:08] Worse.

Speaker 3:
[33:09] Three shows.

Speaker 2:
[33:11] This is COVID. You got COVID. You're breathing all over us.

Speaker 3:
[33:14] Sorry, what?

Speaker 2:
[33:14] I mean, my wife just had it. I didn't have it because I had it in November.

Speaker 3:
[33:17] I think you're fine.

Speaker 2:
[33:18] I'm fucked.

Speaker 3:
[33:19] You're fine.

Speaker 2:
[33:19] I'm.

Speaker 3:
[33:20] I hadn't had it in years, so it was my turn. But yeah, three shows, 4 p.m. with COVID or whatever the hell I have. And I pushed through and I never told the audience I'm pouring sweat, I'm bombing. The only thing worse than doing new material for an hour is new material while sick. My brain is, you got the slow brain, the smooth brain where I can't think of anything. You know, the guy's like, hey, I have no teeth. And I'm like, what is it, Toof Hurdy? And they're like, boo, fuck you. What happened to this guy? We liked your special, we hate you. So that was the longest weekend of my life. Then you wake up at five the next day, you fly to Boston to go to Easter with the in-laws.

Speaker 2:
[34:06] Oh, Easter, you gotta do Easter.

Speaker 3:
[34:08] Yeah, and Easter was great, but I just show up and everybody's like, he's here. How are you doing, big guy? And I'm like, hello. I got an ice pack on my head. I got a thermometer in my ass. And I got the red nose. And I'm just like, blowing my nose all over the fucking honey baked ham.

Speaker 2:
[34:25] You're like Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle.

Speaker 3:
[34:28] Yes. Wow. Good pull, man.

Speaker 2:
[34:32] Which is the most ridiculous plot ever. I've talked about it before. Other people have talked about it.

Speaker 3:
[34:35] What's the plot again?

Speaker 2:
[34:36] It's like, he's a big homo. She's gotta leave him because he has allergies. She's like, leave him to Tom Hanks. The whole thing is he's like, he's sneezing. He's got bad allergies, but he's like a sweet, nice guy. She liked enough to say yes to the proposal. But basically, her and Rosie O'Donnell are like, this fucking queer can't stop sneezing. She's like, you gotta ditch him for Hanks.

Speaker 3:
[34:56] Yeah, he's a puss.

Speaker 2:
[34:57] It's very strange. You're like, well, he's allergic. What do you want him to do?

Speaker 3:
[35:00] I know. That guy didn't make up a Jew. That would have been a hate crime. But also, what was While You Were Sleeping? What, that another Bill Pullman?

Speaker 2:
[35:11] While You Were Sleeping, that sounds like a horror movie.

Speaker 3:
[35:13] Wait a minute. Give that a go.

Speaker 2:
[35:14] While We Slept is a Pearl Harbor book that I read when I was like 20.

Speaker 3:
[35:18] Ah.

Speaker 2:
[35:20] Bill Pullman sleeping with the enemy.

Speaker 3:
[35:24] No, no. There was another Bill Pullman. He had to run for a while in the 90s.

Speaker 4:
[35:28] Bullock? Sandra Bullock?

Speaker 3:
[35:30] Yes, yes.

Speaker 4:
[35:31] Yeah, he's in it.

Speaker 3:
[35:32] Okay. What's it called?

Speaker 4:
[35:33] While You Were Sleeping.

Speaker 2:
[35:34] Oh, what is it? Is it a thriller?

Speaker 3:
[35:36] No.

Speaker 4:
[35:36] No, it's like a drama it looks like.

Speaker 3:
[35:38] Drama com, comedy, drama, dramedy.

Speaker 2:
[35:41] Dramedy, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[35:41] That's the combo. But then he was the president in Independence Day, so he had a moment.

Speaker 2:
[35:46] Yeah, a lot of people confuse Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman.

Speaker 3:
[35:48] I did for a while.

Speaker 2:
[35:49] Yeah, they're very kind of similar vibes.

Speaker 3:
[35:51] Paxton, much cooler.

Speaker 2:
[35:53] Well, Paxton was Apollo 13 and that was a big Apollo 13 homo. Plus then you had Twister.

Speaker 3:
[35:59] And, uh, uh, Dough.

Speaker 2:
[36:01] Simple Plan.

Speaker 3:
[36:02] That's the one. That's a great movie.

Speaker 2:
[36:04] He's good.

Speaker 3:
[36:04] Great movie. So, uh, oh yeah, at Easter, we're doing the egg hunt. I'm like, huh? I'm falling into the eggs, you know, it was really bad. And then finally the kids go to bed and you're like, all right, I'm just going to sit here and then wallow in it. And then, uh, yeah, fell asleep in the kid room. They have like a play room. And I was like, I'm sleeping in the play room because my snoring is so bad because I snore already. That now with the congestion, it's like Wilderbeest times eight.

Speaker 2:
[36:36] Wow. I wouldn't think of you as a snorer.

Speaker 3:
[36:38] Oh, big snore.

Speaker 2:
[36:41] No kidding.

Speaker 3:
[36:42] Oh, my God. I'm sawing logs all night. The wife hates it.

Speaker 2:
[36:45] When I snore, it makes me want to kill myself. My wife will like elbow me and be like, you're snoring. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Don't come over with me. I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 3:
[36:52] That's how I feel. You can't help it.

Speaker 2:
[36:54] I'm like Hoffman in Boogie Nights. I'm like, I'm so stupid.

Speaker 3:
[36:58] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[36:59] I'm an idiot.

Speaker 3:
[37:01] The old man is snoring. So I had to sleep downstairs, like with all the toys. It's me and Teddy Ruxpin.

Speaker 2:
[37:07] Oh, that's fun.

Speaker 3:
[37:08] Yeah, it was life. I wish no, no, no such luck. But then I'll get into the the travel home with the baby. But you you go.

Speaker 2:
[37:19] I got a couple of things travel related. This is funky. This is wacky.

Speaker 3:
[37:23] I need a break. I'm I'm hurting.

Speaker 2:
[37:25] So oh, so we flew to Fort Lauderdale, Miami. This is six months ago, but I didn't get a chance to tell this on the pod last time. So we get off, you know, if it's, you know, traveling with the child and the wife, it's a whole to do.

Speaker 3:
[37:37] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[37:38] We were like on the back of the plane. Normally, you know, I fly Delta Comfort Plus, whatever it's called, Comfort Plus. And then I got upgraded a lot because I'm super diamond, whatever the fuck.

Speaker 3:
[37:48] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[37:48] But the family, they just pull me down.

Speaker 3:
[37:52] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[37:53] It's like I'm escaping prison, they grab my ankle and I can't do it. I'm like the helicopter out of Nam. They're just like two fatso's pulling me down.

Speaker 3:
[38:01] I love the thrill of Marty in the morning.

Speaker 2:
[38:03] So I think that was a radio show, Maddie in the morning. That was like the big radio show in Boston.

Speaker 3:
[38:08] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[38:09] Maddie in the morning.

Speaker 3:
[38:10] Maddie Smith.

Speaker 2:
[38:11] But anyways, so I'm like in the shit back of the play, like against the bathroom, row 78, X, Y, and Z.

Speaker 3:
[38:19] Oh, right.

Speaker 2:
[38:21] So we fly back. It's a long flight. We're there and he's wiggling. He's on me in the cab and he's on me for a three hour flight. Then he's on me the whole time. So you just have a wiggly ass on you. We get off the plane. I'm carrying him now. And you just want to get home. It's been a long trip. The rain delays and all the stuff. We get off and we're going to pick up the luggage thing, or that's where we're headed. But the luggage pick up. There's a guy getting on the escalator, going up to the gates. Big fat guy. I look over. He starts falling down the escalator. And the escalator's going up and he's rolling down, but he's stuck in one place. It looked so funky from a distance. Cause you're like, what am I seeing? Cause it looked like he was in a washing machine. Cause he was up here flipping. He would start to get up and then he would go down again. But the escalator's moving. So it's like he's falling down stairs, but the stairs are moving up. So it's like this guy, and he's a driver, I think. He's like a Latino guy in a suit. Maybe that's rude that I just assume he's a driver.

Speaker 3:
[39:24] Well, isn't that the Hedberg joke, you fall forever or whatever?

Speaker 2:
[39:27] Is it? I don't know that joke. I just remember elevators can't be broke.

Speaker 3:
[39:30] They can only be stairs. I think a fat guy, somebody had, maybe Steven Wright, a fat guy falling down an elevator will just keep falling.

Speaker 2:
[39:36] I never heard that, but I witnessed it.

Speaker 3:
[39:38] Yes, yes.

Speaker 2:
[39:38] It was crazy. And his suitcase was there. And it's so like, he was just like, Oh, that's hilarious. He was trying to get his bearings to be like. Wow. It was the nuttiest thing. And so another guy like went to help and his, the wife of the guy helping was like, ah, Jimmy. It was crazy. The lug is rolling. So I had the baby and Sarah was like a few feet behind. And I was like, I got to spring into action.

Speaker 3:
[39:59] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[39:59] I'm Batman. So I put the baby down, I'm like, Sarah, get the baby. So I run over and finally, as I'm running over, the guy's flipping and flopping, he kind of like gets his bearings somehow. The other guy helps him.

Speaker 3:
[40:11] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[40:11] He grabs the luggage. The luggage ends up like rolling down. So the helper guy leaves. And by the time I get there, I kind of grab a shoulder and stir to him. He must have twisted his knee because he was like, my knee. I was like, are you okay?

Speaker 3:
[40:23] Those elevator, they're sharp, those escalators.

Speaker 2:
[40:26] Oh yeah, they're not easy. They're like clawy and sticky.

Speaker 3:
[40:29] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[40:29] And gay. So then the luggage rolled back that way, the other helper left. And so I just rode, it's like a long elevator there at LaGuardia. I ended up just riding up with him. It's just me and him. I'm like, Oh, wow. That was crazy, huh? And I'm like, he's like my knee. And I was like, are you okay? He's like, yes, yes. I'm like, all right. So we just have like this long, quiet ride together.

Speaker 3:
[40:53] Oh, geez.

Speaker 2:
[40:53] And when we got to the top, his knee was all fucked up and I was like, I'll go get your luggage. So I run down the stairs and I'm like, I grab a suitcase and the wife of the helper guy was like, that's ours. And I was like, oh, which one's his? She's like, my husband brought it up there. And I was like, all right. Well, so I just kind of did nothing. I mean, when I first got there, I did like a scoopy skitch.

Speaker 3:
[41:14] A scoopy is something.

Speaker 2:
[41:16] Yeah. But then basically, I just rode an elevator with an asshole.

Speaker 3:
[41:19] Yeah. Was he hurting?

Speaker 2:
[41:21] Yeah, he was hurting like his knee was all fucked up. It was one of the craziest sites though, because you know, like, it's like your brain, your rods and cones are fucked up.

Speaker 3:
[41:30] It's like a science project watching that.

Speaker 2:
[41:31] Because you're not used to seeing it. So it's like seeing, you know, Rupert run or something.

Speaker 3:
[41:38] It's like polar bear on a tricycle.

Speaker 2:
[41:40] I wasn't expecting it. And you're like, what is that? Because you just see a leg and a foot and a suit.

Speaker 3:
[41:44] Right.

Speaker 2:
[41:45] Whatever. So he runs up there, boobily boop, skippity pop. I tried my best to help. You know, the baby's crying, Sarah's shitting.

Speaker 3:
[41:52] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[41:52] I go, woo. And I didn't even get the like, what a man. Nobody was like, did anything. Cause I was like, all right, well, I put my baby down and I ran over there.

Speaker 3:
[42:01] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[42:01] Thought I was going to be a hero. I wanted to be like Chewbacca at the end of the first movie where they put the metal on them and they sing.

Speaker 3:
[42:09] So that, there we go.

Speaker 2:
[42:12] Chuck, you want to try it? Chewbacca?

Speaker 4:
[42:14] I'm so sick.

Speaker 3:
[42:16] Are you sick too?

Speaker 4:
[42:17] Oh, I'm crazy sick.

Speaker 3:
[42:18] Oh, jeez. This room is a big infestation of hot boxing.

Speaker 2:
[42:22] You got to be kidding me.

Speaker 4:
[42:23] I texted you last night. I said I'm sick as a dog, man.

Speaker 2:
[42:25] You didn't say sick as a dog. You said I got to touch something bullshit. You said some bullshit.

Speaker 4:
[42:30] All right.

Speaker 3:
[42:30] What's up about AIDS?

Speaker 2:
[42:31] This is crazy.

Speaker 3:
[42:33] Yeah, I had the thing.

Speaker 2:
[42:34] We should have canceled.

Speaker 4:
[42:35] I thought we were going to cancel.

Speaker 2:
[42:37] We only got one. You me. You both fucked me.

Speaker 4:
[42:39] What did I say?

Speaker 2:
[42:41] You said. This is what you said.

Speaker 3:
[42:42] Checking the text.

Speaker 2:
[42:44] I had to go around. I'm down for one.

Speaker 3:
[42:47] What do we have? I said sick as a dog, I think.

Speaker 2:
[42:53] Hold on. Right here. I'm a little sick too. In my throat. I'm a little sick.

Speaker 4:
[43:01] Time has passed.

Speaker 2:
[43:03] But you said I'm a little sick. You were like, I'm dying, sinus, bukin, beach ball. And then you wrote, I'm a little sick too. Now you're over here going, I can't do a Chewbacca because I'm dying. You guys me. I'm going out to Ohio to meet my ex-girlfriend and her whole family. And now I'm going to be sick.

Speaker 3:
[43:20] That's a mistake.

Speaker 2:
[43:21] I got all this paella.

Speaker 3:
[43:24] You got ketchup on it.

Speaker 2:
[43:25] So, any farts. So then, I've been dealing with the vestibular neuritis. I'm all whacked out. And I'm fat. I went to the doctor. The doctor's like, you weigh 196 pounds, you fat.

Speaker 3:
[43:37] Wow, is that right? You're a string bean.

Speaker 2:
[43:39] 6'2, 194 pounds, baby. Twisted steel and sex appeal.

Speaker 3:
[43:45] Yeah, lean, mean and cleafing machine.

Speaker 2:
[43:48] Well, I've been doing the kettlebells. I'm huge.

Speaker 3:
[43:50] There you go.

Speaker 2:
[43:51] But I'm like, I got to go on a diet. But I got Easter Sunday, my birthday, and I'm going home for Providence, Boston. All we do is eat pizza, go to the Sox game, hot dogs, ice cream.

Speaker 3:
[44:02] Happy birthday.

Speaker 2:
[44:03] Thank you.

Speaker 3:
[44:03] All right.

Speaker 2:
[44:04] Big 44, baby. Yesterday. Quattro, quattro or whatever. Whatever you say. I don't think that's right. I don't think you're like, that's right.

Speaker 3:
[44:14] Quattro, I think quattro, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[44:15] No, catorce, I think.

Speaker 3:
[44:18] Quatre, what's forty?

Speaker 2:
[44:19] What's forty? In Spanish. Cuatro?

Speaker 3:
[44:23] Cuatro?

Speaker 2:
[44:25] Venti, dos, ventitres.

Speaker 3:
[44:28] Venti, Starbucks.

Speaker 4:
[44:29] Cuarenta y cuatro.

Speaker 3:
[44:31] Cuarenta y cuatro. So they say forty and four.

Speaker 2:
[44:35] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[44:36] Yeah, weird. Weird group.

Speaker 2:
[44:39] Anyways. So what day was it? Sunday, I'm like, I'm a fat fuck, I'm gonna kill myself, I gotta go to yoga. I'm gonna do some hot yoga. I love yoga. I miss yoga. I'm going to yoga. Maybe I'll bump into an ex. So I schedule it. Here we go. Hot yoga. I'm on my way over there and I'm like, oh shit, I wasn't thinking. I got vestibular neuritis. Every time I bend over and tilt my head upside down, true, the whole world flips. I'm on the Gravitron like Holbert. I'm all fucked up.

Speaker 3:
[45:08] Right.

Speaker 2:
[45:09] So I'm literally walking over there being like, wait a second, I can't do fucking yoga. I'm going to fall over and be all dizzy.

Speaker 3:
[45:15] Don't do it.

Speaker 2:
[45:16] And also that was Easter Sunday. So Easter Sunday, we're like, we'll go get a breakfast. So we go to this place we love in Tribeca and I get four pancakes.

Speaker 3:
[45:25] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[45:25] I'm splitting it with Marty. So he's eating all the eggs and some pancake. I'm just crushing pancakes. Then I have a diet. That starts tomorrow.

Speaker 3:
[45:32] All right.

Speaker 2:
[45:33] So then I have a caffeinated beverage. I forgot the day before I ate at like 5 p.m. because I'm trying to fast because I'm fat.

Speaker 3:
[45:39] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[45:39] So now it's like two hours later, I'm heading to yoga. I start getting the shakes and the jitterbugs from the pan because I realize all I've had is four pancakes with quadruple maple syrup, a caffeinated beverage. And then I haven't eaten for 16 hours before that. Oh, I got my legs are shaky. My arms are shaky.

Speaker 3:
[45:58] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[45:59] My asshole is bleeding.

Speaker 3:
[46:00] You're like Salacchus.

Speaker 2:
[46:01] And so I'm like, I've got vestibular neuritis. I'm having a caffeine sugar attack.

Speaker 3:
[46:08] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[46:08] I got yoga in seven minutes. I'm going to fucking pass out and die.

Speaker 3:
[46:11] Whoa.

Speaker 2:
[46:12] So I stop at Zucker's Bagels shop. They're good. I just grab a croissant. The class is starting in four minutes. So I just shove a croissant in my mouth like...

Speaker 3:
[46:20] That'll settle you because it can absorb.

Speaker 2:
[46:23] It'll absorb a little bit. I pound some water trying to flush out the whatever.

Speaker 3:
[46:26] Yes. Yes. Flush.

Speaker 2:
[46:27] So I'm going in. I see the instructor and I go, are you the instructor? She goes, I am. She goes, just to let you know, I got vestibular neuritis. And she's like, what is that? You fucking homo. And I go, well, it makes me all tilty and vertigo. Vertigo, fuck yourself. So if I start to tip over, I'm not dying.

Speaker 3:
[46:45] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[46:45] I just have this thing. So I'll feel it out and see how I feel. But if I'm taking child's pose, don't worry. I'm okay.

Speaker 3:
[46:51] Yeah, there must be old men in there that can't do this. They got to tend to them.

Speaker 2:
[46:56] So she goes, okay, good. Thanks for the heads up because, you know, you never know what's going on. I go, thank you. So then I go in there. And of course, once it starts, you're like, I don't care what I'm doing. I can't be the asshole not doing the poses.

Speaker 3:
[47:07] You're in there.

Speaker 2:
[47:08] And it was tricky when you, because it's not so much when you're upside down, it's when you come back up, everything's wacky. But I'm like, I'll get through it. So about a half hour, it's 104 degrees in there. But halfway through, we're doing our poses. I'm sweating, I'm getting through it. I feel good. She's like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. Don't worry. We hear, she goes, huh? We look over, big fatso collapsed.

Speaker 3:
[47:34] Whoa, was it the escalator guy?

Speaker 2:
[47:36] No, different guy. Double collapse.

Speaker 3:
[47:38] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[47:39] And I forgot to mention at the beginning, I should have mentioned this because this is better. Fuck, I blew it. She was like, no one's here for the first time. This one fat guy in the corner was like, I'm here for the first time.

Speaker 3:
[47:48] Got it.

Speaker 2:
[47:48] And you just hear like a slip, a ton of fucking bricks. We look over and he's dead. He's like this.

Speaker 3:
[47:57] What? Out cold?

Speaker 2:
[47:58] Out cold, out hot.

Speaker 3:
[48:00] Out hot.

Speaker 2:
[48:00] It's like 105 degrees. He's literally like this. I thought he was dead.

Speaker 3:
[48:04] Oh my God.

Speaker 2:
[48:05] He's like a lump of shit. And so the class stops and she's like, Oh dear, whoa, let's all put our hands together and breathe.

Speaker 3:
[48:13] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[48:14] And you go over there. And this is one of those things where you're like, you know, I want to be a helpy guy.

Speaker 3:
[48:19] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[48:20] But then there was a big African American gay man, just painting a picture. He was right there. So he came over. She opens the doors to let some cool air out. He was close to the door because he was trying to leave. So this guy like moves him up, which I thought was like, I think you're not supposed to touch him, raise the blood, get blood to the feet, whatever.

Speaker 3:
[48:40] Put cookies in his mouth.

Speaker 2:
[48:41] So he kind of took care of it. So I thought, you don't want to have too many cooks in the kitchen.

Speaker 3:
[48:45] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[48:46] Nobody wants the guy that's like, excuse me, my uncle's a paramount.

Speaker 3:
[48:49] Yes, yes.

Speaker 2:
[48:50] So I'm just stand there watching. It's mostly women. So I'm just stand there and I'm like, this guy's got him. He's kind of dragging him out. Then the guy, as they start to get him out, he falls again. He's like, he's got like jelly legs.

Speaker 3:
[49:01] Oh boy.

Speaker 2:
[49:02] He just goes and lands again. So I'm like, all right, let me go get near them.

Speaker 3:
[49:07] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[49:07] It's happening. I'm like, do we want to call an ambulance? Maybe this guy's like fainting and bonking his head.

Speaker 3:
[49:12] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[49:13] So I go up to the guy. I'm like, Hey sir, do you have water? And he's like, I got a bottle in there. It's the glass one. So I go in, I get his bottle. I'm like dumping it on his tits.

Speaker 3:
[49:22] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[49:22] I got two ice packs.

Speaker 3:
[49:24] Whoa.

Speaker 2:
[49:24] Did you hit your head when you fell? He's like, I don't think so. And I'm like, do you know where you are? He's like, yoga. I'm sorry. It's like a Western. He's like, tell mama I love her. So we got the ice pack on his fat stomach, another one on his fat head. And you're like, okay. And then the two intern girls come over, and the instructor's like, you guys got this? And they're like, we got them. So we just go back in the room and start yoga again.

Speaker 3:
[49:52] What'd you do, wheel him out?

Speaker 2:
[49:53] No, he kind of like, the black guy helped him. Arm and arm, whatever. And he collapsed again. So I kept peeking over there, and he was like, just sitting on the floor like.

Speaker 3:
[50:02] It's probably a heat stroke.

Speaker 2:
[50:04] Might've been a heat stroke.

Speaker 3:
[50:05] The heat, the fat don't do well in the heat.

Speaker 2:
[50:07] Well, he's very overweight, never done yoga in his life, and he just starts with 106 degree class.

Speaker 3:
[50:14] Crazy.

Speaker 2:
[50:15] Where you're like, buddy, this is no good. And it turns out he was fine, and he ended up, afterwards we came out, and he was gone. He was just embarrassed, that whole thing.

Speaker 3:
[50:25] Yeah. Is there cold yoga?

Speaker 2:
[50:27] I don't think so. There's just room temp yoga.

Speaker 3:
[50:29] Oh, okay. Maybe that could be something.

Speaker 2:
[50:31] Well, I think the body constricts.

Speaker 3:
[50:33] Ah.

Speaker 2:
[50:34] By the way, I went to the Flatiron Bath House.

Speaker 3:
[50:37] Ooh.

Speaker 2:
[50:37] Sarah got me a gift certificate for last birthday. It took me a year to use it. We gotta go.

Speaker 3:
[50:42] Oh, yeah?

Speaker 2:
[50:43] It's unbelievable. First of all, it's just the hottest people. It's co-ed.

Speaker 3:
[50:47] Oh, my lord.

Speaker 2:
[50:48] The women, you can't believe. And they got a cold plunge pool. They got a steam room. They got a sauna. They got a hot tub. They got a regular pool. You can spend the day in there.

Speaker 3:
[50:59] I went to one of these in Noleda, and it's all sex. It's just naked people sweating, wet, dripping, canoodling.

Speaker 2:
[51:08] Sexiest thing I've ever seen. It was crazy.

Speaker 3:
[51:10] They weren't Flatiron.

Speaker 2:
[51:11] So just a last note on this yoga collapse. Two different guys collapsed in three days.

Speaker 3:
[51:17] What? Oh, yeah. We got the elevator guy. You got the escalator and then the yoga.

Speaker 2:
[51:23] So at the end, of course, everyone's out there talking about it. It's like the Dane Cook joke where there's a car crash and you're like, I was in my room and I heard it. What were you doing? I was cleaning a dish. So everyone's like, oh, my God. And then one of these guys, the yoga guys goes, well, first, he collapsed. He passed out on his mat first. Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[51:43] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[51:44] And I was like, this. What?

Speaker 3:
[51:46] Yeah, people do this.

Speaker 2:
[51:47] But I'm like, you witnessed this man pass out on his mat and you didn't think to be like, oh, pardon me.

Speaker 3:
[51:53] Right.

Speaker 2:
[51:55] I'm like, that's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 3:
[51:57] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[51:58] That's insane. He was like, yeah. Well, first, I saw him. He passed out on his mat. I'm like, how the fuck? What kind of society is this?

Speaker 3:
[52:05] Yeah, he could be dead.

Speaker 2:
[52:06] You had a yoga class, and you see someone just like, oh, on their mat, and you go, oh, hold on. This guy just fell asleep involuntarily.

Speaker 3:
[52:15] Yeah. What, is he napping?

Speaker 2:
[52:16] Like, what are you doing?

Speaker 3:
[52:17] Come on.

Speaker 2:
[52:18] Think he could have died. And you would have been like, I actually saw him die a few minutes ago.

Speaker 3:
[52:22] Right.

Speaker 2:
[52:22] This is a country. This is a civilization. What do you call that? A community.

Speaker 3:
[52:25] A society.

Speaker 2:
[52:26] A society. That's the word I was looking for.

Speaker 3:
[52:28] Well, we live in New York. We step over dead hobos 24-7, so maybe the word numb.

Speaker 2:
[52:33] He said it like, yeah, that piece of shit was passing out earlier. I'm like, he's a human.

Speaker 3:
[52:40] Yeah. Get it together, gay.

Speaker 2:
[52:42] Help him. But anyway, so that guy is probably dead.

Speaker 3:
[52:46] Sure. But hey, hats off to the chunkaroo for going right into Bickram on day one.

Speaker 2:
[52:51] He tried, and the instructor was so nice and cool, a great instructor, but I did feel like, I'm like, you got to keep an eye. Somebody overweight is like, I've never been here before. I don't know why I'm whispering. If she heard this, she wouldn't hear this part. But I'm like, you got to keep an eye out for the guy.

Speaker 3:
[53:06] Well, Bick is beautiful. You don't want to judge, I guess, but you should be judging.

Speaker 2:
[53:10] Yeah. Well, it's one of those things, it's like the old age, old thing of like, is a drug dealer responsible for an overdose, or is the person responsible for their drug intake? I don't know.

Speaker 3:
[53:20] Yeah, the chicken in the meth. But now everybody, have you heard this new thing where judges are being very lenient, and they go, hey, this guy molested seven kids, killed his wife, fucked his dad, and killed a chicken. Ah, you can get out of here, we'll let you off. And now everybody's saying, should the judge be held accountable? Much like if I over serve you at a bar, and you go out and run over a lady, or whatever, or just walking to traffic because I over served you, the bartender gets in trouble.

Speaker 2:
[53:55] Right.

Speaker 3:
[53:56] Now should a judge get in trouble when the guy gets off scot free for killing 12 people, and then goes and kills another guy the next day?

Speaker 2:
[54:03] Yeah, that's a good question.

Speaker 3:
[54:05] That's percolating in the comments.

Speaker 2:
[54:08] Or what if the president does an executive order to release everybody that attacked the Capitol, and then it turns out one of them just got arrested for pedophilia?

Speaker 3:
[54:17] Is that right?

Speaker 2:
[54:18] That's what I heard.

Speaker 3:
[54:19] Oh, shit.

Speaker 2:
[54:20] Google that, January 6th pedophile.

Speaker 3:
[54:22] January 6th year old.

Speaker 2:
[54:24] That's good.

Speaker 3:
[54:25] Are you using that? Take it.

Speaker 2:
[54:27] So yeah, I mean, it feels weird, you know, the itch.

Speaker 3:
[54:32] Yeah, it's full. It's flooded.

Speaker 2:
[54:35] Oh, God.

Speaker 3:
[54:36] Full ears. I can't hear anything. I'm foggy. I'm gay.

Speaker 2:
[54:39] Trying to connect my wife and ex-girlfriend. You're going to get me sick.

Speaker 3:
[54:42] I know. I don't want to ruin that threesome.

Speaker 2:
[54:45] We'll see.

Speaker 3:
[54:45] Foursome, I guess, with the hubby.

Speaker 2:
[54:47] Yeah, get him in there.

Speaker 3:
[54:48] What's he like?

Speaker 2:
[54:50] What's he like? I don't know. I haven't met him. I'm going to meet him tomorrow. I'm excited. He's a doctor. I've never met a doctor. I've never hung out with a doctor anyway.

Speaker 3:
[54:56] Well, ask him about my health, will you?

Speaker 2:
[54:59] I will. I'm going to ask him all kinds of health questions. He's a lung doctor. I'm going to get a free x-ray.

Speaker 3:
[55:03] Now, I had a... It's been too long.

Speaker 4:
[55:07] I got it. Alleged US Capitol writer who heckled police for protecting pedophiles, served jail time for statutory rape of a 14-year-old girl.

Speaker 3:
[55:16] There you go.

Speaker 4:
[55:16] That's probably what you're thinking of.

Speaker 3:
[55:17] So he is in jail?

Speaker 4:
[55:19] Served.

Speaker 3:
[55:20] Oh, served. So he's a hero. All right.

Speaker 4:
[55:23] Yeah, right.

Speaker 3:
[55:23] All right. Well, I had to think of JFK where there was a bunch of ladies. You can tell it was like a bachelorette party. They were about to hit the plane and go to Tahiti or wherever the hell they were going. They were all jazzed up. Go girl, big, big wedding. Yeah, they all had matching shirts, those types. Yeah. So they were all at the top of the stairs at JFK, and they're all excited. But one of them had a bag the size of Rupert's dad. I mean, this thing was just a crazy luggage bag. And she couldn't, the escalator was broken, probably because of the fat guy. And she couldn't get the bag down. So I go, I got it. I grabbed the bag and I brought it down. And they were like, oh, you're a good man. You are a good man. We need more men like you. Ba-bip-boop-ba. And it was very nice. But you want to go. So what's up with ladies? You guys aren't strong?

Speaker 2:
[56:12] Ah.

Speaker 3:
[56:13] All right.

Speaker 2:
[56:14] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[56:15] You want to get into an argument about sports.

Speaker 2:
[56:17] I see.

Speaker 3:
[56:17] But I said, you're welcome. Thank you. Moving on. But yeah, I got the credit, which feels good.

Speaker 2:
[56:25] That's nice.

Speaker 3:
[56:26] It was nice. So let me tell you about this walk home.

Speaker 2:
[56:30] Please. Christopher, walk home. I don't know. I'm sick. You got me sick.

Speaker 3:
[56:36] You're in your head. You're not sick. It's all over. I'm sick.

Speaker 4:
[56:39] I got another one, by the way.

Speaker 3:
[56:40] What do you got?

Speaker 4:
[56:40] January 6th, writer pardoned by Trump gets prison sentence for possessing enormous child pornography collection.

Speaker 2:
[56:47] That's the one I'm talking about.

Speaker 3:
[56:48] Yeah, child porn.

Speaker 4:
[56:49] And his attorney said that he should be thrown out because the only reason they investigated him was because of January 6th.

Speaker 3:
[56:56] That's funny.

Speaker 2:
[56:56] That's hilarious. The only reason they investigated him because he was fucking trespassing on government property.

Speaker 3:
[57:01] Right, right. Now, what happens to the loot of porn? All right. There must be a giant vault in the FBI of child porn they've just seized. Did they burn that?

Speaker 2:
[57:14] I don't think you can burn porn anymore. It's like on a...

Speaker 3:
[57:17] Oh, it's on a picture of a videotape.

Speaker 2:
[57:19] Yeah, you can't just pull the fucking film out.

Speaker 3:
[57:22] I was thinking that. I'm a quiff. All right. So, Boston, you wake up with the boy. Now, I didn't realize I'm a piece of shit. To go to the airport in an Uber, the kid's got to be in a car seat.

Speaker 2:
[57:37] He doesn't have to be.

Speaker 3:
[57:38] What?

Speaker 2:
[57:38] You can just hold him.

Speaker 3:
[57:39] Is that a law?

Speaker 2:
[57:41] We do it all the time. People do it. I don't know what the law is, but I think that as long as you're not driving, you won't get in trouble.

Speaker 3:
[57:49] Well, Uber has a option to have a car seat car.

Speaker 2:
[57:54] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[57:54] But they never are available.

Speaker 2:
[57:56] Yeah, it takes 75 minutes.

Speaker 3:
[57:57] Yeah, and they're like $800 more for some reason. So, if you have an Uber, get a car seat, it'll, what do those cost you? $80? You'll make your money back in two days.

Speaker 2:
[58:08] Good point.

Speaker 3:
[58:09] Because they can just upcharge for some reason. So, we don't have a car seat, so we're like, all right, how the hell do we gonna get to the airport without a car seat? And I go, let's just roll the dice. I bet we'll just hold him. And this Hispanic guy picks us up, hello. We're just holding the baby. We're like, is this gonna work? Never says a thing. The kid's jumping all up and down, front seat. He's grabbing the wheel. He's changing the radio. He's plugging his phone. And we finally get to the airport after 30 minutes. Boy, you never stare at that ETA more than when you're in a car with a kid. You're just like, oh, 19 minutes, oh, 14 minutes, oh God. Come on. Then you hit traffic, goes up to 15. You're like, ah. So then we get to the airport. He's flipping out the whole thing. We finally get through security, blah, blah, blah. It's a 48 minute flight from Boston.

Speaker 2:
[58:58] That's nice.

Speaker 3:
[58:59] It's nice. He's going ape shit on the plane. He's just, he's got the, it's nap time, but he doesn't, he can't get comfortable. So he can't even blame the kid. So he's flipping out. I'm getting the turnaround by this gay guy. He's like, Oh boy. I got, I got like three turnarounds in a five minute span. And I want to be like, you can't breed. We get it. You're jealous, whatever. So I guess he can breed, but just.

Speaker 2:
[59:26] Yeah. You just need some extra elements.

Speaker 3:
[59:28] Yeah. Lady. So he's, he's hates us. The anxiety is pumping. I'm sick. You're sweating. He won't sit down doing the pitch that you know, when it gets to a screech. It's one thing when they're crying, but the screech is crazy. Yes. You remember saved by the bill. Yeah. So finally passes out and we land. Right. Then he wakes up again. You know, it's the worst. Yeah. We get them out there and I go, all right, we're getting an Uber and she's like, hey, we got lucky with that first Uber. We got to get the seat, the car seat in the next Uber. I'm like, all right, car seat on lift, looking for drivers should take a few minutes. Like, all right, all right. So I'm letting them run all over baggage claim, get it out, get it out. It's like 50 minutes have gone by, still nothing. So I go, fuck it. We're getting an Uber and we're rolling the dice. All the Ubers are taken forever. So I go, hey, it's the Uber shuttle. You know what the shuttle?

Speaker 2:
[60:28] I don't know Uber shuttle.

Speaker 3:
[60:29] Uber shuttle goes from LaGuardia to Wall Street, LaGuardia to Brooklyn, LaGuardia to SoHo. It does a few.

Speaker 2:
[60:37] It just does random places?

Speaker 3:
[60:38] Yeah, it's pretty good.

Speaker 2:
[60:39] It's like a bus, but it's an Uber.

Speaker 3:
[60:41] It's a Sprinter.

Speaker 2:
[60:42] Oh, okay.

Speaker 3:
[60:43] But Wall Street, they're like 20 bucks.

Speaker 2:
[60:46] Wow.

Speaker 3:
[60:46] But you're on there with a couple of weirdos.

Speaker 2:
[60:48] I see.

Speaker 3:
[60:49] But it's like a super shuttle, but Uber.

Speaker 2:
[60:51] Gotcha.

Speaker 3:
[60:52] So we get the shuttle and I go, all right, two shuttle. Wait a minute. Can I bring a kid on a shuttle? Do I have to buy him a ticket to the shuttle? He's under two.

Speaker 2:
[61:05] Under two.

Speaker 3:
[61:06] Fourteen months. Nine and a half weeks. All right. So we go, fuck it, let's do it. We're getting a little stressed. We bring him on the shuttle. Now the shuttle, he's jumping up and down. He's jumping in the backseat. There was a Hasidic couple. They hated us. Everybody hated us.

Speaker 2:
[61:21] He's hanging from the little.

Speaker 3:
[61:22] Yeah. And for some reason, this shuttle wouldn't turn the air on. It was blazing hot. We were all sweating, and I was too scared to bring it up because I had the kid. Right. I have a kid screaming, Baa! Everybody hated us. There's no music. Just screaming, hot. Couldn't say, hey, can you hit that AC? And he's going to go, hey, can you shut that fucking kid up? That's what I kept picturing. So finally, we get to Manhattan. And I'm like, uh-oh. I thought we were going to Atlantic Barclays. And the guy goes, oh, we canceled that. I go, what do you mean you canceled that? He goes, yeah, we don't do that route anymore. And I go, well, that's what I chose. And he goes, oh, I must have just hardwired you to the SOHO one. Or what do you call that? Zipped it, twisted it, hooked it.

Speaker 2:
[62:10] Altered it.

Speaker 3:
[62:11] Yeah, like I guess.

Speaker 2:
[62:12] Audible?

Speaker 3:
[62:13] Not audible, we're close.

Speaker 2:
[62:14] Abortion?

Speaker 3:
[62:15] What do you call that when you default?

Speaker 2:
[62:19] Default.

Speaker 3:
[62:20] Maybe default.

Speaker 2:
[62:22] It's all default.

Speaker 3:
[62:24] Yeah, it's not default. So I clicked Brooklyn and it just sent me to SoHo, because that's the next closest thing.

Speaker 2:
[62:33] I should come by.

Speaker 3:
[62:35] Yeah, well, I was up town. That was like Houston-ish.

Speaker 2:
[62:39] I see.

Speaker 3:
[62:39] All right. Plus, it was a long day, so I go, fuck it, we're getting out here. I had that moment where I had a blonde guy behind me. I go, where are you going? He goes, flat iron. I go, fuck. You know when you're just like, all right, this is all wrong.

Speaker 2:
[62:52] I don't understand the shuttle exactly.

Speaker 3:
[62:55] I'll explain it off air, I guess. But yeah, so we jump out, and then we just get on the D train, go home, finally get home. The getting home took three hours. The flight was 48 minutes. But we got it.

Speaker 2:
[63:11] This is what I'm talking about. This is why I'm out of here, Jay.

Speaker 3:
[63:14] I know.

Speaker 2:
[63:15] Austin, I can leave my car there for like six bucks a day.

Speaker 3:
[63:18] It takes me 12 minutes.

Speaker 2:
[63:21] 15 minutes. I'm home, baby.

Speaker 3:
[63:23] Yeah. Then you got, you know, your texts are going the whole time because it's a Monday. So everybody's working.

Speaker 2:
[63:27] It's a nightmare.

Speaker 3:
[63:28] Oh, fuck. You finally get in, then the kid's like, what are we doing?

Speaker 2:
[63:31] Who needs it?

Speaker 3:
[63:31] We got the whole day. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[63:33] Too much.

Speaker 3:
[63:34] Too much.

Speaker 2:
[63:35] Too much here. The records are too expensive to buy a gift for your buddy. The travel, the lifts, the cars, the cabs, the taxis.

Speaker 3:
[63:44] It adds up. You should move to Austin like Theo.

Speaker 2:
[63:47] I'm going to move to Texas, baby.

Speaker 3:
[63:49] That's going to solve all your problems.

Speaker 2:
[63:50] No problem. Well, all my problems are New York City related.

Speaker 3:
[63:53] Antidepressants.

Speaker 2:
[63:55] It's all fucking traffic and traffic and subways and horseshit.

Speaker 3:
[64:01] Then I started crunching the numbers on a... All right, I go out and do a set, so I get a sitter or you go out to dinner with the wife, so you get a sitter. So dinner in New York is you got to spend 300 something with a glass of wine and a handy, and then you come back, you pay the sitter 150 and you're like, I'm out like almost a grand on a night out. Yeah. Plus the Ubers and whatnot.

Speaker 2:
[64:24] Yeah. It ain't easy living here.

Speaker 3:
[64:26] It ain't easy being gay.

Speaker 2:
[64:28] So all right, sounds like you're convinced. We're taking our talents to South Austin.

Speaker 3:
[64:32] Yeehaw.

Speaker 2:
[64:34] I'm here. I'm already gone.

Speaker 3:
[64:36] I'm more of a Plano guy.

Speaker 2:
[64:37] Um, Plano White Teas? I don't know.

Speaker 3:
[64:40] Yeah, that's something.

Speaker 2:
[64:41] Hey there, Delilah. Remember that song? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[64:44] I didn't like that song either.

Speaker 2:
[64:45] Damn, I hated it.

Speaker 3:
[64:46] Is that them?

Speaker 2:
[64:47] I think so, Plano White Teas.

Speaker 3:
[64:49] And who are the chain smokers?

Speaker 2:
[64:51] They're new. They're like...

Speaker 3:
[64:54] They've been around for 10 years.

Speaker 2:
[64:56] Yeah, but Plano White... Delilah was like the 90s, I feel like. No. Hey there, Delilah. I mean, it was early 2000s.

Speaker 3:
[65:04] That was after 9-11.

Speaker 2:
[65:06] All right. Well, give me Hey, there, Delilah. Maybe 2003, 2004, but I mean, 20 years old.

Speaker 3:
[65:11] Sure.

Speaker 2:
[65:11] Chain smokers, they're 22 years old themselves.

Speaker 3:
[65:14] Right, right.

Speaker 4:
[65:15] So do you each have separate guesses?

Speaker 3:
[65:17] I'm going to say 07.

Speaker 2:
[65:18] Hey, there, Delilah, could you suck my asshole? I'm going to say before 07. I'm going to say 04.

Speaker 4:
[65:27] 05.

Speaker 2:
[65:28] Oh!

Speaker 3:
[65:28] Hey! You got me.

Speaker 2:
[65:31] And then how old are the chain smokers? Give me chain smokers.

Speaker 3:
[65:34] Yes, yes.

Speaker 2:
[65:35] How long have these assholes been around?

Speaker 4:
[65:36] Do you think that's the band that sang that?

Speaker 3:
[65:38] No, no.

Speaker 2:
[65:38] That's Clay White T's.

Speaker 4:
[65:40] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[65:40] Chain smokers came much later is what I'm saying.

Speaker 3:
[65:42] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[65:43] I'm saying the chain smokers were born in 2004, probably.

Speaker 3:
[65:46] No.

Speaker 4:
[65:47] The band or the human beings?

Speaker 2:
[65:49] What's the difference?

Speaker 3:
[65:51] Well, the one of the band formed versus when were they born. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[65:54] Oh, yeah. Give me both. Give me both.

Speaker 4:
[65:56] They said they're active from 2012.

Speaker 2:
[65:58] OK.

Speaker 3:
[65:59] That's pretty new.

Speaker 2:
[65:59] So you're eight years later. And that's active. That means they got in their basement and started kissing on the lips and recording some bullshit.

Speaker 3:
[66:06] Before that.

Speaker 4:
[66:07] You want to know how old the members are?

Speaker 2:
[66:10] What am I, speaking Greek? Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[66:11] I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[66:12] I'm looking for this.

Speaker 4:
[66:13] I don't know them.

Speaker 2:
[66:14] Hold on.

Speaker 4:
[66:15] You keep going.

Speaker 3:
[66:16] All right. All right.

Speaker 2:
[66:16] Well, I got some plugs.

Speaker 3:
[66:17] Well, what does the Chainsmokers say? I don't even know. I just saw they were at March Madness.

Speaker 2:
[66:21] They did SNL.

Speaker 3:
[66:22] Oh, they did?

Speaker 2:
[66:23] Yeah, yeah. They did SNL a few years ago. I think somebody that we know was hosting.

Speaker 3:
[66:27] Oh.

Speaker 2:
[66:28] I think it might have been Shane or Nate or somebody. I think it might have been Nate. I think maybe I thought in my head it was like, Nate's promoting Chainsmoking.

Speaker 3:
[66:36] Oh, that's funny.

Speaker 2:
[66:37] But I could be wrong about that, too. After you're done finding the age, figure out who they hosted for.

Speaker 3:
[66:41] There you go.

Speaker 2:
[66:42] Or who the musical guest.

Speaker 3:
[66:43] But I brought them up because they played March Madness, which I didn't know they did that. There's a basketball game that all of a sudden two retards go up and start rapping, and I'm like, what is this?

Speaker 2:
[66:51] That's new. Everything's got to be something. Chainsmokers, SNL.

Speaker 3:
[66:55] I'm looking at hockey when there's a fight. I didn't know that would happen.

Speaker 4:
[66:58] You get SNL and get the birthday.

Speaker 3:
[67:01] Oh, I shit myself.

Speaker 2:
[67:03] April 8th, 2017. Oh, I know what it was. Louie was hosting.

Speaker 3:
[67:08] We saw them.

Speaker 2:
[67:09] It was the episode I was at.

Speaker 3:
[67:10] Look at that.

Speaker 2:
[67:11] That's what it was.

Speaker 3:
[67:12] You hate them then?

Speaker 2:
[67:13] Chainsmokers.

Speaker 3:
[67:15] Wait, 2017? So they made it to SNL in five years?

Speaker 2:
[67:18] I guess so.

Speaker 3:
[67:19] That's pretty good.

Speaker 2:
[67:19] Yeah, that's not bad.

Speaker 3:
[67:20] Maybe they're all right, these smokers.

Speaker 2:
[67:22] Yeah, I was there. I saw them live, these fucking homos.

Speaker 4:
[67:25] So they were born in 85 and 89.

Speaker 2:
[67:28] Oh, that's much older than I thought.

Speaker 3:
[67:29] Yeah, 45, 89. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2:
[67:32] Yeah, yeah, they're like...

Speaker 3:
[67:33] So do they have to perform 10 feet away from the entrance?

Speaker 2:
[67:38] Oh, because of smoking, I see. I was thinking COVID or the year, because it came right after the years. That's why I was confused. All right, anyways, so me too.

Speaker 3:
[67:49] Where am I?

Speaker 2:
[67:50] What the fuck? This comes out in June, I think.

Speaker 3:
[67:53] April 20th.

Speaker 2:
[67:54] That's not so crazy.

Speaker 3:
[67:56] Yeah, we're supposed to do too.

Speaker 2:
[67:58] April 20th. Okay, well, where am I? Oh, Los Angeles, May 7th, May 5th, the Tuesdays with Stories podcast.

Speaker 3:
[68:04] In LA, Netflix Fest.

Speaker 2:
[68:06] May 7th, I'm doing the Hollywood Improv, and then Ari's show is out right now, The End.

Speaker 3:
[68:13] Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2:
[68:15] You can buy the individual episodes, but just get the whole season. It's like 30 bucks for the whole season.

Speaker 3:
[68:18] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[68:19] It's like 350 an episode.

Speaker 3:
[68:20] It's worth it. I mean, it's too many bangers. They're all spread out. You got to see it all.

Speaker 2:
[68:24] It's like seven hours. It's going to be so good. So please go buy that. Check it out. It's direct to consume.

Speaker 3:
[68:29] A presale too. I think that's got to be over by the time. Okay. Let's go to the end. I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[68:34] So anyways, go do that. Go check that out. Get on the Patreon. We're fucking hitting it hard. The Patreon, we got a new hot case sets. We just recorded whatever the hell it's called.

Speaker 3:
[68:42] You got that right.

Speaker 2:
[68:43] A video is going to be up there of us running around doing shows. And I got the big Europe, Glasgow, Bristol, London. We added a show, Dublin, Belfast.

Speaker 3:
[68:54] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[68:55] And a bunch of other fun stuff coming.

Speaker 3:
[68:57] Hey, all right. Adding shows in the UK, that's cool. I'm in Chattanooga, Tennessee, folks. You're not going to want to miss that at the Walker Theater. Then I'm in Raleigh, Casino Rama in Ontario. Don't forget Regina. And Moncton, Canada at the Molson Canadian Center. SideSplitters, Spokane Comedy Club, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe, Arizona, Royal Oak, Michigan, the Netflix Fest. Get on the Patreon, queef it up. Praise Allah, Trump stole my line. I'm gay. Next will be St. Kevin Hart. See you all in hell.

Speaker 2:
[69:36] Wait, Chuckie.

Speaker 3:
[69:37] Chuck.

Speaker 4:
[69:39] Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, and I'm doing a very fun film project, still looking for some backers to finish it up. Joe saw a bunch of scenes the other day.

Speaker 2:
[69:48] Oh yeah, I watched a bunch of stuff. While we were paying Chuck to film us, he was showing us his sitcom. It's very funny.

Speaker 4:
[69:53] There you go.

Speaker 2:
[69:55] It was very funny.

Speaker 4:
[69:56] And yeah, if you want to back...

Speaker 2:
[69:57] It's insane.

Speaker 4:
[69:58] Right?

Speaker 3:
[69:59] Isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[69:59] It's fucking crazy.

Speaker 4:
[70:00] Like the stuff we pulled off?

Speaker 2:
[70:01] Yeah. It's like so wild.

Speaker 4:
[70:03] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[70:04] All right.

Speaker 4:
[70:04] Mark saw one thing. You saw the Julio story.

Speaker 3:
[70:06] Very funny. Very funny.

Speaker 4:
[70:07] But yeah, if you're interested in getting involved in a fun thing like that and backing, just find me on at discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter. Good stuff.

Speaker 3:
[70:15] You hear that? Stop up. Nothing's coming out.

Speaker 2:
[70:22] It's coming out. It's flying all over the place, right into my mouth.

Speaker 3:
[70:25] All right.

Speaker 2:
[70:26] We'll see you next time. I'll be sick next episode. Yeah.

Speaker 4:
[71:05] And we'll see you next time. Thanks for watching. Qualifying credit required.