transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:00] This is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things, eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever gonna have. It's clean. My sleep scores through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them.
Speaker 2:
[00:19] It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you, the people, are the ones telling us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried Por Osos, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it.
Speaker 1:
[00:45] Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry Por Osos? And if they say no, you go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome.
Speaker 2:
[00:52] And then walk out.
Speaker 1:
[00:54] You know what I do? I go, do you carry Por Osos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and give it to them. And now you do. Can I get a bottle of glass of Por Osos?
Speaker 2:
[01:00] That's awesome. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:
[01:01] 100%.
Speaker 2:
[01:06] Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave. We're here in Austin, Texas. And joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine. Give it up for Ari Shafir, everybody.
Speaker 3:
[01:18] Thank you. It's not, please, I think it's already accomplished. Let's, let's, let's, let's say Stephen King wants to write a book.
Speaker 2:
[01:31] Let's say this real quick, because we want to, there's a lot to cover today. But your storytelling show that was once famously on a network that once thrived.
Speaker 1:
[01:43] Isn't that crazy that Comedy Central has just gone?
Speaker 2:
[01:45] It's so crazy.
Speaker 3:
[01:46] It's crazy. Two things. One, nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is.
Speaker 2:
[01:50] I know. But what do you think of somebody when they're like, do you see that new ABC show? And you're like, what? What fucking brain damage is that?
Speaker 3:
[01:57] The name of the show, you idiot.
Speaker 1:
[01:59] We have colleagues that will be like, I just booked a pilot. And you're like, oh, unbook it.
Speaker 2:
[02:03] Really, on CBS? So you brought it back. It's called The End.
Speaker 3:
[02:09] We brought it back.
Speaker 2:
[02:09] That we did. It's called The End. We here at YMH produced it. And I have to say, I've said this before, but the lineup that you were able to procure for this is...
Speaker 3:
[02:22] It's pretty crazy.
Speaker 2:
[02:23] It's pretty crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargazzi, you got DeStefano Gillis, Jordan Jensen. It's a long list. Jay Okerson, Ali Siddique, Miss Pat, on and on and on. And now it's out. It's out.
Speaker 3:
[02:38] It's out now. It's 420, guys. Just wait if you've saved an episode. Today's the day to watch.
Speaker 2:
[02:41] An important detail that is very Ari Shaffir driven. You can buy individual episodes. You can buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end.
Speaker 3:
[02:52] Oh yeah, they're all getting paid. Everybody gets paid.
Speaker 1:
[02:55] You're the first person to pay us on, when you do a podcast, you'd be like, oh, here's like 200 bucks.
Speaker 2:
[03:00] And it's crazy.
Speaker 1:
[03:00] For your ad reads.
Speaker 2:
[03:01] Your people's reputation.
Speaker 1:
[03:02] It's not notoriously your thing.
Speaker 3:
[03:04] It's an uphill battle. It is.
Speaker 2:
[03:06] I always thought you'd be like, you were on my show, give me a dollar, but you actually share.
Speaker 3:
[03:11] I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is because I have a deep voice.
Speaker 2:
[03:18] So. But it is. I'll say this, man. It came out fantastic.
Speaker 3:
[03:24] It came out so good.
Speaker 2:
[03:25] It's the concept that you came up with that was always so fun to do live.
Speaker 3:
[03:29] Yeah, you guys all did them.
Speaker 2:
[03:30] We all did the YouTube version.
Speaker 3:
[03:32] What fun times.
Speaker 2:
[03:33] And the Comedy Central version. But this is like, this is the final end form of this.
Speaker 3:
[03:38] The final end form. I was just remembering just right now is when we were shooting the like early, early stuff on YouTube. This is not happening. Yeah. And we were doing some run around scene. And then I had to like pull my pants down to my boxers. Yeah. And then you go, and then there's all these extras in the front row of that strip club. And you're like, they're like, all right, one more time. One last time. And then you're just like, dig out this time, right? And I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. And that was my production card for a long time.
Speaker 2:
[04:06] And those balls, you have those crazy big balls.
Speaker 3:
[04:08] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[04:09] Yeah. Did that like, did you know you had like extra big balls like in high school?
Speaker 3:
[04:15] Yeah, it reminds me of sort of Buck Rogers where some guy from another planet goes, on my planet, I'm a weakling and he bends a metal rod. That's how my people were all big balled.
Speaker 1:
[04:25] Yeah, Jews were the first big dick people. It's a slur. If they do that to the oppressed is they say, they have big dicks and it's supposed to, it was like, that's like the first thing.
Speaker 3:
[04:37] Backfires.
Speaker 1:
[04:38] I know, I think it backfired. I think people wanted big dicks, but I think maybe back in the days, they were like, well, I got a lot of horse riding to do.
Speaker 3:
[04:46] I don't want to be a pro ball. It's negative for your.
Speaker 2:
[04:49] That's true.
Speaker 3:
[04:52] I think having a big dick is the most feminist thing you can do.
Speaker 2:
[04:56] Why is that?
Speaker 3:
[04:57] Well, like every guy who likes toxic masculinity bragged about, oh, I got a big dick. Your dick's tiny, fuck you, piece of shit. Well, why do you want a big dick?
Speaker 2:
[05:04] Right.
Speaker 3:
[05:05] What would the reason be to have a big dick?
Speaker 1:
[05:08] Oh, I know a guy named Doug, who I met in- To hurt somebody? No, to hurt them with their penis.
Speaker 3:
[05:13] To please them.
Speaker 1:
[05:14] Oh, to please a woman. No, no, no. No, but you did, but your dick can be too big. Sure. And there was a guy, Doug, who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa, and I went out to LA and he was so cool. He was really fucking cool. Like he said to me, I just met him, he goes, do you want to go to a Clippers game? And I went, yeah. And we went and he drove and drank and he was awesome. And then...
Speaker 2:
[05:36] That's a good sentence.
Speaker 1:
[05:38] And then he, and then I said, I love that guy. And the girl was like, I do too, his dick's too big. I don't enjoy sex with him. And you're like, oh fuck. Can you imagine having that where you gotta end up a manatee just to have your dick fit inside of him? You ever see those girls who like, they're like walking into a Walmart and they're like 7'2. And they don't look crazy until you see the cars. She's like, what's up, plus size ladies?
Speaker 3:
[06:08] They look good from far away. Then the closer you get, you're like, oh, you're way close.
Speaker 2:
[06:13] What do you think is like, what do you think is tall or big for a woman? And then when you go, that's freaky, that's too much. Too tall.
Speaker 1:
[06:22] I'll tell you this.
Speaker 3:
[06:23] Over 5'4 is like gross. Beat it, beat it, freak.
Speaker 1:
[06:29] I dated a girl 5'10.
Speaker 2:
[06:31] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[06:32] And I'm six foot. And it was, I felt like I was fucking a dude.
Speaker 2:
[06:36] That's cool.
Speaker 1:
[06:36] Yeah, like it was like, you couldn't like, like Leanne's smaller, I can manhandle her. Like you wanna fucking throw something around. Like doll it.
Speaker 2:
[06:44] Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[06:45] Every now and then you wanna feel like you're jerking off in someone. You know? Like you're just like, eh, eh.
Speaker 2:
[06:51] I remember I dated a girl who was 5'10, 5'11. I didn't really think like, oh my God, this is crazy. But then I met a Team USA volleyball player who was 6'4. And I was just like, this is... And she was pretty.
Speaker 1:
[07:05] Oh yeah, they always are.
Speaker 2:
[07:06] She was really pretty, but I was like, this is...
Speaker 3:
[07:08] You dated her?
Speaker 2:
[07:08] No, no, no. I met her. I met her.
Speaker 3:
[07:10] I hooked up when I was a practice player for the girls team at Maryland. I hooked up with one of those 6'9.
Speaker 2:
[07:15] 6'9? Wait, tell me about that.
Speaker 3:
[07:18] Yeah, I mean...
Speaker 1:
[07:19] Wait, what's her name? Pull her up. I'm sure we can get a picture.
Speaker 3:
[07:24] This might be wrong, but okay. I mean, she's probably dead in the Ukrainian war now.
Speaker 2:
[07:29] We might be k-k-k-k-k this out of the episode. Can you kind of spell her name?
Speaker 3:
[07:37] And she said her parents, her dad was 6'9, her mom was 6'3, and I'm like, I'm 6'3, you're 6'9. Wouldn't that be funny? And she goes, yeah, yeah. And that, bro, that's all it took. And I worked there for about four months.
Speaker 2:
[07:50] And wait, was it like such a unique experience, you know what I mean, like being in there because laying down with someone like that?
Speaker 1:
[07:58] Laying down. Oh, you gotta cuddle with them? They're big spoons.
Speaker 2:
[08:01] And she's like, put your head on my chest.
Speaker 3:
[08:03] And they like to be womanly. She would always wear like high heel shoes. She's like, I'm not giving that up just because I'm tall. It's already too late. I wanna be a woman. So she'd lay on you, but her feet were like off the bed. You don't die off the bed.
Speaker 2:
[08:13] Her size 17s.
Speaker 1:
[08:15] She'd blow you and her feet would be hanging in the kitchen. Just, aw, she's knocking forks over.
Speaker 2:
[08:20] How long did you, like, just once? Oh, just once.
Speaker 3:
[08:23] Just once, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[08:23] And you were like, this is a monster.
Speaker 3:
[08:25] She was, I mean, she's on top of me, it's fine.
Speaker 1:
[08:27] Whoa.
Speaker 3:
[08:27] No fucking way.
Speaker 1:
[08:30] Wow, she's beautiful.
Speaker 2:
[08:32] We should not do this to this woman.
Speaker 1:
[08:35] No, no, wait, hold on. Just bleep her name out, but keep all of this. She is gorgeous.
Speaker 3:
[08:39] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[08:41] Cause I'll tell you this, she doesn't look fondly back on that experience, okay?
Speaker 3:
[08:44] No way. She's moved on. Right, but you wouldn't tell. That's someone who's 5'10, 5'9, 5'8.
Speaker 2:
[08:49] Yeah, you have no idea.
Speaker 3:
[08:50] No way.
Speaker 2:
[08:51] Can you pull up, like, can you type her name in...
Speaker 3:
[08:52] Dude, watching her do suicides was so funny. Type in college, like see if like some things... It'd be like she was walking and the coach would all be like, fucking pick it up! I can't keep it. There she is. Oh, that takes me back. I practice, I bang with her all the time.
Speaker 1:
[09:05] And does she have an accent?
Speaker 3:
[09:07] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[09:07] And she says stuff like, in my country, we don't wear condom. Shoot. In my country. My vagina is so big, you can come in it, it takes two days to get to my seat.
Speaker 2:
[09:17] But wait, this is always the things about, this goes for men and women. The downstairs is not necessarily related to your physical stature.
Speaker 3:
[09:26] Exactly. However, it was a loose... It was a lot of space.
Speaker 2:
[09:32] It's definitely kind of sad.
Speaker 1:
[09:33] Did you put your dick between two couch cushions?
Speaker 2:
[09:35] Really?
Speaker 3:
[09:36] It was not. It was like... It's kind of like when you feel a presence in the room, like a ghost or something, where you're like, I can't put my finger on it. It's something.
Speaker 2:
[09:46] Something's here.
Speaker 3:
[09:47] I feel something.
Speaker 2:
[09:48] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[09:48] It's that. Wow. Go get The End.
Speaker 2:
[09:53] Go get The End. There's stories just like this one that you've heard one third of.
Speaker 3:
[09:57] All right, now I'll tell you that story.
Speaker 4:
[10:00] I got a phone call one day.
Speaker 3:
[10:03] I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves.
Speaker 2:
[10:07] Oh, that's right.
Speaker 3:
[10:08] You're not hosting your own show.
Speaker 2:
[10:10] They did them dirty.
Speaker 3:
[10:11] I already figured out a way to put it up somewhere else.
Speaker 2:
[10:13] You thought about bringing it back.
Speaker 3:
[10:14] All the time. I need your and Tom's help.
Speaker 1:
[10:17] You guys ready for this?
Speaker 2:
[10:19] Okay.
Speaker 3:
[10:20] It's a crazy night we're going to have here.
Speaker 1:
[10:23] Shit's about to go down. We're here to talk Paul.
Speaker 3:
[10:26] Storytelling show, telling true, true stories.
Speaker 2:
[10:29] Word for word, what happened?
Speaker 1:
[10:30] My favorite.
Speaker 3:
[10:31] Please tell them the story.
Speaker 2:
[10:32] My story is a love story.
Speaker 5:
[10:35] It's about my first threesome. Bad first date.
Speaker 1:
[10:38] Mouth ball. Football.
Speaker 2:
[10:39] Got arrested.
Speaker 4:
[10:40] Um, shit in your pants.
Speaker 2:
[10:41] What the?
Speaker 1:
[10:42] What the?
Speaker 5:
[10:43] What the is going on?
Speaker 4:
[10:44] That's my story. Don't think about it.
Speaker 2:
[10:46] Just laugh.
Speaker 1:
[10:48] Ah, shucks.
Speaker 2:
[10:59] I'll give you everything I have in my wallet.
Speaker 5:
[11:02] Give me all of that.
Speaker 2:
[11:04] That would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show. When it comes to running a business, you've got to be able to meet the demands as it grows. With ShipStation, everything you need to manage getting orders to where they need to go is all in one place. Between USPS, UPS and FedEx, the last thing you have time to do is find the best option for every order. From setting up time-saving automations to comparing carrier rates, ShipStation takes the stress of finding the best prices, printing the labels and setting tracking updates off your plate. If you're bringing your own negotiated discounts, you can keep them along with your peace of mind. Over one million businesses have trusted ShipStation, including us. The coolest thing I think by far is having an interface where you can see everything that's been ordered, what status is of it, and which carrier is shipping it out. You always know. Try ShipStation Free for 60 days with full access to all features, no credit card needed. Go to shipstation.com and use the word Cave for 60 days for free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That's shipstation.com, the code word is Cave. shipstation.com, code word Cave.
Speaker 1:
[12:20] Now, we had a, we had a, I was supposed to be on the end.
Speaker 3:
[12:24] You were.
Speaker 1:
[12:26] We had a really, we had a crazy story in and of itself, which I wish, I wish it had been.
Speaker 2:
[12:31] And you made efforts to try to.
Speaker 1:
[12:34] I actually.
Speaker 3:
[12:34] Multiple trips to New York to try to research your story.
Speaker 1:
[12:36] Flew to New York.
Speaker 3:
[12:37] Couple times.
Speaker 1:
[12:39] To make it happen, and it didn't happen.
Speaker 3:
[12:41] Dude, you not being on there was the biggest, there's a couple failures of me bringing back my show, and that's one of them. Diaz was having major knee surgery the day of the shoot. And then Sean Patton couldn't get out of his contract. The three of you not being there killed me.
Speaker 1:
[12:55] What did you, were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan? Yeah. I mean, it was like.
Speaker 2:
[13:06] Well, you gotta tell people now, cause you just.
Speaker 1:
[13:07] It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest, wildest experiences.
Speaker 3:
[13:13] But there's a story we're not gonna go into that involves Tracy Morgan.
Speaker 2:
[13:16] You gotta set up that like, you were going to tell a story involving him. That's why we're saying.
Speaker 1:
[13:21] I have a story about Tracy Morgan.
Speaker 2:
[13:22] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[13:24] That I now have the permission to tell. I mean, he flat out said, you have my permission to tell that story.
Speaker 3:
[13:30] Yeah, that's what I was hoping you would do.
Speaker 1:
[13:32] And, but it was funny, his recollection of it, of the night we met. I had always, I mean, you gotta, this is like the weirdest part, is I've always told the story, he pulled out a wreck of a joint, looked like a cat turd, and he hit it. And he handed it to me, and I hit it. And I was like, your weed tastes like shit. And he just goes, I smoke blunts. What? He goes, I smoke blunts. I don't smoke joints, I smoke blunts. And it dawned on me, I had never had a blunt before. And that was the confusion, where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my life. I was 24, 25 years old and I hit a blunt. And I had never smoked a blunt. And I was like, this tastes different. He's like, oh, you never smoked sharing before? Fucking with me. And then he started laughing. He was like recollecting, he was recollecting his side of the story, which was so fucking fascinating.
Speaker 3:
[14:23] He was like, yeah, it was an offhanded joke. I didn't know you're that much of a weakling for weed.
Speaker 2:
[14:27] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[14:28] And then he was like.
Speaker 2:
[14:29] Well, you really only hung out with white people at FSU then, huh?
Speaker 1:
[14:31] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[14:35] Because I smoked so many blunts.
Speaker 3:
[14:37] Really? Where did you go?
Speaker 2:
[14:38] To a small school in North Carolina. But like that was also we were like, what are the black guys doing?
Speaker 3:
[14:46] We should do that. We should do that.
Speaker 2:
[14:47] Yeah. Of course. Of course.
Speaker 1:
[14:50] We got done that day. It was such a cool experience. Tracy Morgan is like.
Speaker 3:
[14:54] Meeting him. Dude, we were on cloud nine. We got done. He was like for. Oh, okay. For sitting there with him. Frosty tried to hook it up. Just like, let's bring you guys together.
Speaker 1:
[15:05] Let's step it back. Let's step it back. So Ari says, will you tell your Tracy Morgan story? And I said, the only way I'll tell it.
Speaker 2:
[15:16] That was disgusting. Ari just killed a gnat and ate it.
Speaker 3:
[15:24] Sorry, I didn't mean to distract.
Speaker 1:
[15:25] No, no. Ari said, I said to Ari, I said, the only way I'll tell it, because I've gotten so much shit on the internet.
Speaker 2:
[15:31] For the Tracy Morgan.
Speaker 1:
[15:32] Yeah, because people are like, Tracy said that never happens. And I was like, whatever. I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to, if whatever Tracy wants to say is what Tracy wants to say. And then Ari's like, what if we can get Tracy to tell it with you? And I was like, I don't know how we can do that. And so we, I think you got in touch with Frosty.
Speaker 3:
[15:50] I was just like, I'm not in the industry. I wasn't even invited to Diddy's after parties. You know, so like, I'm not, I don't know. I'm most like, Frosty, can you help?
Speaker 1:
[15:58] I don't know how to do this. And so Frosty called me and then one morning I'm laying in bed and I get a FaceTime from Tracy Morgan. And he's like, oh, you have a story about me. And I was like, and I sat up in bed and I was like, yeah, I do, I do, Tracy, I'm a huge fan. I got to tell you, man, I'm like, you know, I'm like backtracking, going like, he goes like, I like to hear that story. You fly to New York? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right, Frosty says you're a good guy, let's do this. So then I call Ari immediately, like I'm flying to New York. I'm, we're meeting with Tracy tomorrow. And we fly in and Frosty's like.
Speaker 3:
[16:38] Let's meet.
Speaker 1:
[16:39] Yeah, and so we go to CAA in New York.
Speaker 3:
[16:42] It's the Chrysler building, so you're already like, this is cool. You feel like you're a mover and a shaker.
Speaker 1:
[16:48] And the second, and we, and Frosty got a Chick-fil-A. Like, and not just a little Chick-fil-A, like nine bags.
Speaker 2:
[16:56] He's like, let me butter this guy up. I know what he likes.
Speaker 1:
[16:58] And he's like, and Ari and I are nervous. And the second Tracy walks in, he's like, we're gonna do a movie together. Like he just, he.
Speaker 3:
[17:07] No, no, no. I know, but like, that's, you're misinformed. That's not it at all. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[17:13] So then we sit down.
Speaker 3:
[17:14] We're gonna do this film.
Speaker 1:
[17:16] Yeah. And I was just like, oh God. So we sit in the conference room and I start to tell him the story. I said, I gotta tell you about the first time I met you. And I said, you know, I was a young comic. I worked through, I was good friends with Tony.
Speaker 3:
[17:28] I was a young comic once.
Speaker 1:
[17:30] I was, I was, I loved Tony Woods. I loved Tony Woods. Tony Woods, my brother. Like he's just, he added so much to it that like, as we're listening, Ari and I are watching this. It's almost magic. And I go, and then you come walking down the street and he goes, he goes, it was 1999. I just got no Saturday Night Live. I wasn't even famous yet, but I could get in trouble. Page six, they got me at Madame X. And that's the bar we went to.
Speaker 3:
[17:58] And you're like, that's the one.
Speaker 1:
[18:00] Yeah. I go, we went to Madame X. He goes, that was my spot. And he was just like, anybody's eating as he's telling.
Speaker 3:
[18:06] He's killing Chick-fil-A.
Speaker 1:
[18:07] And we are, and Ari and I are on the edge, and Ari's punching up my story, like adding in. And then, you know, what's great about this. And then, and we just go back in the story. I was like, Tony introduced us, and then me and you go around the corner and we hit a blunt, and he's like, oh, we hit a joint, and he goes, oh, I smoke blunt. Just, it's, but he's eating, and he's so Tracy, and then he just pivot, and he'd start telling another story.
Speaker 3:
[18:34] And he's like, oh, I'm gonna tell you about something else, about his fourth season on SNL, about some other thing, and you're like, come on, bring it back.
Speaker 1:
[18:40] I have the thing you put your feet in, and the plastic goes around your shoes. You don't have to mess my house up. Like, I mean, it's like, I mean, it's so, we're sitting there like this.
Speaker 3:
[18:51] Slippers?
Speaker 1:
[18:52] We were literally our young comics all over again. Yeah. We were young comics.
Speaker 3:
[18:56] And this whole time, by the way, he is 100% convinced that I am Bert's agent.
Speaker 2:
[19:03] Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:
[19:04] 100%. I didn't have the beard. I was dressed, maybe a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so like, it was so clearly, he was like, he's the Jew, and he's the Tom.
Speaker 2:
[19:13] You brought your lawyer, this is tight.
Speaker 1:
[19:15] I remember at one point he goes, he said something about, where did you do, I was just somewhere, where were you? And I was like, I was like, He was impressed. I was like, I was at the State Farm Arena or whatever, we went, oh, okay. And he goes, you on the road?
Speaker 3:
[19:31] He goes, yeah, I was in, where is that? You said the city first?
Speaker 1:
[19:35] He goes, where did you go? I was in Philadelphia, and he goes, where? And I was like, the Prudential Center or whatever, whatever it's called.
Speaker 2:
[19:39] Yeah, Wells Fargo.
Speaker 1:
[19:40] Wells Fargo, and he goes, Wells Fargo. I said, yeah, I had DJ Jazzy Jeff come out and open me up, and it was all, and you could see he looks at Frosty, and he's like, okay.
Speaker 2:
[19:50] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[19:50] And so then, and as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in, and I get to the end, and he says, that's how you get out of paying a check. I'm like, oh my God. We're like, this is exactly how we want to do it.
Speaker 2:
[20:04] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[20:04] And he's like, I'm in.
Speaker 3:
[20:05] I'm in.
Speaker 1:
[20:06] First he looks at me and goes, you have permission to tell that story from now on. That's your story. And I was like, great.
Speaker 3:
[20:12] Great.
Speaker 1:
[20:12] And then I'm like, great.
Speaker 3:
[20:13] And then he goes, hey, do you think?
Speaker 1:
[20:15] I go, but we would like you to tell it. And he goes, all right, let's do it. Frosty set it up. And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar. I don't think you were drinking.
Speaker 3:
[20:26] What am I?
Speaker 1:
[20:27] I think you were doing a sober stint.
Speaker 3:
[20:29] Oh, maybe.
Speaker 1:
[20:29] And we went to a bar and I just had a drink. I was bubbling. Cause I have this story that notoriously people think I made up. Everyone thinks I made up. That now I have the guy who you did it with. Me and Ari and him, he's corroborating and telling me.
Speaker 3:
[20:44] Yeah, but you were like, we went to this bar and he's like, Madam X. You're like, yes, that's the one.
Speaker 1:
[20:48] And he starts naming. I went there all the time.
Speaker 3:
[20:50] I know those ladies. I was on page six.
Speaker 1:
[20:52] Yeah. And so we get done the story and I'm like, this is amazing. This is going to be great because, you know, I've always wanted to say I didn't make that story up. But at the same time, it doesn't matter. It's like, I never wanted to bother Tracy. If he didn't want that story told, I wasn't going to tell it. And I was like, this is great. And then Frosty calls and I think maybe his other agent called one of his other agents like, Tracy can't do it. He's, because it was beautiful in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think Tracy was like, what are we going to do on stage? Like, and I was on my head, I was like, the exact same thing we just did. Yeah. But and then they were like, yeah, Tracy's busy. He's got a new show coming out. We know we got a lot of stuff going on with him. And I was like so deflated. And Ari's like, just you tell it. But I was like, I'm going to be in the same boat. I've always been with that story.
Speaker 3:
[21:42] You were defeated too. Where no one's going to believe that Tracy.
Speaker 1:
[21:45] Yeah, Tracy said you could tell that. And then people would just be like, I can't believe he's telling that fucking story.
Speaker 2:
[21:49] Right, right.
Speaker 1:
[21:49] It's a lie. It never happened.
Speaker 2:
[21:51] That sucks because that would have been awesome.
Speaker 1:
[21:53] It would have been. It would have been the one.
Speaker 3:
[21:55] Do you regret not doing it now? Now you see everybody's doing it?
Speaker 2:
[21:57] No, because the way, like what you're saying though, with Tracy being there and being like, that would have been very cool. That would have been very cool.
Speaker 1:
[22:04] I could have done it with such little Tracy effort if he had just come up and just gone.
Speaker 3:
[22:09] Because your impression would just be like, hey, you do this part Tracy.
Speaker 1:
[22:12] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[22:13] Yeah. What would you have said? Also, he would have just, he would have done the same thing that he did in that thing. He would have been, you'd have been like, all right, so then we went to that bar, do you remember? And then he would have been like, you remember 125th when I used to go to the place with the chicken thing? And you'd have been like, wait, we're talking about this story, right? He just would have totally said non-sense would work.
Speaker 1:
[22:31] The best part was, there are parts of that story, so like in every story I tell, there's parts that are just so true that they don't really work, but I hold on to them because they're true.
Speaker 2:
[22:41] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[22:42] And I said to him, I said to him, you know, and then I watched you go on stage and you had this observational material and you were like, all right, all right, who remembers of course, and he smiled and he goes, I will pussy-pop that bitch. And he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago and I'm like, I've been saying that. Anytime I've told that story to friends, I've been telling that bit. And he goes, and then I said, I said, well, you got in the bar and you held up champagne. You go, I got a pretty dick. You can suck it with the lights on. He goes, I do. But it was so fucking magical. That I was bubbling. When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. Hems makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence. They offer convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that actually work. Doctor trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months. I'm hoping it's three. I'm hoping it's three. I'm on all of that right now. And I don't know, something happened. When I was getting my blood thinner medicines, my hair just started disappearing. And I got really panicky about it. And I'm on all of it now. I'm on all of it. HIMSS provides 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first and work with your schedule without hidden fees and surprise costs for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss and more. All the stuff I'm on. Visit himss.com/bears. That's himss.com/bears for your free online visit. himss.com/bearsfeatureproductsincludecompounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescriptions required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monoxidil and finasteride. This episode is brought to you by Iqbar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. Iqbar Protein Bars, Q-Mix Hydration Mix and Iqjoe Mushroom Coffees are the delicious low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. The Ultimate Sampler Pack is a great way to try all Iqbar products and flavors. You get 9 Iqbars, 8 IQ Mix Sticks and 4 Iqjoe Sticks. Iqbar's Plant Protein Bars are the smarter snack choice with plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber and no sugar added. Iqmix is a zero sugar drink mix that hydrates with electrolytes, improves mood and boosts clarity. With over 20,000 5 star reviews and counting, more people than ever are fueling their busy lifestyles with Iqbars, brain and body boosting bars, hydration mixes and mushroom coffees. Their ultimate sampler pack includes all three. And I gave them to my mom and my mom said, quote unquote, it does everything. I swear to God. And right now, Iqbar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all Iqbar products, including the ultimate sampler pack plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text Bears to 64,000. Text Bears to 64,000. That's Bears to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. You know, it's, do you remember when you were young and you had something happen in your career and you said, this is going to change things for me?
Speaker 2:
[26:18] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[26:19] And then after a while, you're like, nothing changes anything.
Speaker 2:
[26:21] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[26:21] It's really hard to move the needle. This was one of those things where I called Leanne. I was like, this is huge. This is huge. This is bigger than a movie. This is, it'll go viral. And I was like, you know, I was so excited. And then when, and I understand Tracy backing out. I understand him going like, you know, he didn't know what he was going to do on stage with me. And I'm very well versed in the story and Tracy's just standing. But he was so fucking funny.
Speaker 3:
[26:49] It was like if we had filmed the room, it would have been just perfect.
Speaker 1:
[26:51] You could have just aired that. And by the way, he must have had fucking three breakfast sandwiches.
Speaker 3:
[26:57] He just kept going.
Speaker 1:
[26:58] He kept eating and he was like, oh yeah.
Speaker 3:
[27:00] He was like, oh, don't get me started on the hers.
Speaker 1:
[27:03] Do you know what I did? Do you remember that clip we saw of him a long time ago when he was talking about being on the football team and his coach yelling at him, Darnell, Darnell, you're not Doug Flutie.
Speaker 2:
[27:17] Yeah, yes, yes. I remember the Doug Flutie part, yes.
Speaker 1:
[27:19] He immediately went into it.
Speaker 2:
[27:20] Really?
Speaker 1:
[27:21] And it was like, you put pads on somebody. Dude, he is, we know, there's a phrase that bothers me online, and I think mostly because no one ever says it about me, but they're like, protect this man at all costs. They do it like Michael J. Fox or Rick Morales. And they do it to like females all the time. Natasha Lyonne got pulled off a plane, she was relapsed or whatever. Protect this woman at all costs. It's a thing.
Speaker 2:
[27:48] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[27:49] It bothers me, it suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves. And I'm like, it's a fucking weird thing. Do that guy. He is a national treasure. Like comedy wise.
Speaker 2:
[28:03] So unique, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[28:04] The most unique voice.
Speaker 2:
[28:06] If you listen to that album, he put out some album a while ago, where like you just hear, you can hear that people in the audience are like, what's happening? Oh my God. It's like, you know when you come home at three in the morning, and you've got to step over a motherfucker passed out, you're like, Kevin, you got shit all over yourself. And you're like, what is going on? Because you know that he's actually, that makes sense to him. Like he's telling stuff that you're like, your mind is so unique. His delivery also, he can make reading a menu fun.
Speaker 3:
[28:34] Yeah. He can do anything fun. He was like, at the stand once he popped in, and he looked at the people on the side, and he goes, how old are you? This is like 23. And he was like, damn, I bet you piss hard.
Speaker 1:
[28:48] The best Tracy Morgan story I ever heard was, I've heard a bunch of them, like Sickler's story is unbelievable.
Speaker 2:
[28:58] It's unbelievable, dude.
Speaker 1:
[29:00] You could do a Tracy Morgan episode. I had the guys at ICM, the guys at ICM, and the first time that story got out, the guys at ICM were like, yo, we tried to sign him. And I was like, really? And they're like, yeah. And he told us he wanted to do a general meeting on a Saturday afternoon in a Dave and Buster's. And I was like, really? And they go, we got there. And he threw his birthday party for his kid with all his kids' friends and we paid for it.
Speaker 2:
[29:32] No, that's unreal.
Speaker 1:
[29:35] Tracy Morgan was like, yeah, Dave and Buster's, 11 a.m., bring presents.
Speaker 3:
[29:40] Wow, they just changed the name to Tracy Morgan Stern. That's so cheap.
Speaker 2:
[29:45] You have to do it on a, you have to hear Ryan's story like fully.
Speaker 3:
[29:50] I haven't heard it.
Speaker 2:
[29:50] It's, I don't want to like, but he basically met him on a night, kind of like Bert did and had his own adventure with him that like was completely unprompted and unplanned. And it, and it was, it was, it's wild.
Speaker 1:
[30:06] We'll never get another one of those. And I think, and I think, yeah, because he showed up at a perfect time. Cameras.
Speaker 3:
[30:14] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[30:14] Cameras, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[30:15] You can't ever be, I mean, you'll never get another Stanhope.
Speaker 3:
[30:19] Cameras.
Speaker 1:
[30:20] Cameras.
Speaker 2:
[30:21] I met him at Oddball. That's where I met Tracy. The Oddball thing, like 10 years ago. And you know, you go up to you every night. It was a different amphitheater backstage and I'm walking. I get dropped off, like the car service would pick you up, drop you off and you're walking in that backstage area. And I see a white, massive Rolls Royce. And I'm like walking, I'm like, look at this fucking Rolls. And then I see Tracy and he's in all white with a massive dookie chain and a medallion like this. And I'm like, what's up, dude? I was like, this your Rolls? He's like, yeah, you wanna check this shit out? I was like, yeah. And he had a chauffeur, like a guy in a fucking suit driving and he's like, I just got this shit. This is how I roll, you know? I was like, yeah, this is fucking amazing.
Speaker 1:
[31:11] Not to take away from what Mark and Sam do on morning television, right?
Speaker 2:
[31:15] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[31:16] Like they're really great at like, They're living in that guys, but he paved the path. Tracy Morgan paved that path.
Speaker 2:
[31:23] Of morning.
Speaker 3:
[31:24] Yeah, DC and dad.
Speaker 2:
[31:25] The Chicago one?
Speaker 3:
[31:26] Dad mom, whatever.
Speaker 2:
[31:27] Horace Grant, holla! Like that one?
Speaker 3:
[31:30] No, Tempe.
Speaker 2:
[31:31] He's in Chicago.
Speaker 1:
[31:32] And he just takes his shirt off. That's my maiden call. I'm getting someone pregnant tonight.
Speaker 3:
[31:38] By the way, that's Arizona, I think.
Speaker 1:
[31:41] No one will ever appreciate that. Only because, and once again, I've done it too. I've taken my shirt off on radio on morning, gotten in and gone, Thunderstorms, whatever.
Speaker 3:
[31:51] What?
Speaker 2:
[31:51] We're all doing Tracy.
Speaker 1:
[31:54] The impression of Tracy.
Speaker 2:
[31:55] Derivative of Tracy, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[31:56] I mean, that, when he did that, there was no frame, that was when you were like, yo.
Speaker 2:
[32:00] The Chicago one is just, it's unbelievable.
Speaker 3:
[32:04] I saw it in Arizona.
Speaker 1:
[32:05] Can you play one?
Speaker 2:
[32:06] Oh my God.
Speaker 3:
[32:07] We're about to get some pregnant up in here. That's Arizona.
Speaker 2:
[32:09] And then he like lay.
Speaker 1:
[32:10] Oh, look at this. Look at this. Can we hear it?
Speaker 4:
[32:15] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[32:18] Enjoying the Chicago summer.
Speaker 2:
[32:19] Turn it up.
Speaker 3:
[32:20] I just had white gassum y'all.
Speaker 5:
[32:22] Oh yeah.
Speaker 4:
[32:26] An early morning guy Tracy.
Speaker 2:
[32:27] There you go.
Speaker 1:
[32:28] Early morning guy.
Speaker 3:
[32:29] This is what it is.
Speaker 1:
[32:30] How you get this big and sexy.
Speaker 4:
[32:33] I hope Oprah's not watching.
Speaker 3:
[32:34] She might go nuts.
Speaker 5:
[32:37] What are you?
Speaker 2:
[32:37] Oprah's hollering Oprah.
Speaker 1:
[32:46] Steadman, call me.
Speaker 3:
[32:48] He's so serious.
Speaker 1:
[32:48] Wait, wait, hit pause.
Speaker 5:
[32:50] He's so serious.
Speaker 1:
[32:51] He's so serious. He's not laughing. He's like, Steadman, call me.
Speaker 2:
[32:57] Look at this guy in the far left. It's like, the fuck's going on?
Speaker 1:
[32:59] He doesn't know. How old is Tracy? Can you find out how old he is with this?
Speaker 3:
[33:02] He looks at his like, he's got to be 32. Yeah. 18 years ago.
Speaker 1:
[33:08] 18 years ago.
Speaker 3:
[33:11] He's so, do you ever see?
Speaker 1:
[33:14] How old is he?
Speaker 2:
[33:15] He's like 30. 39.
Speaker 3:
[33:18] 39, damn. I guess Black has an inability to crack.
Speaker 1:
[33:23] He looks, he looks.
Speaker 2:
[33:24] Go back to it.
Speaker 1:
[33:25] Young.
Speaker 5:
[33:28] Tape as is, you can have Star Jones all to your very self.
Speaker 1:
[33:31] I like the star, the skinny star, but big star was good. I love big star. That was shoot, shoot, shoot, like big star. You got it?
Speaker 4:
[33:42] Yeah. You did a great job. It's all right. You got, well, you know, come on.
Speaker 1:
[33:46] Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.
Speaker 4:
[33:48] It's a little bit much this time of the morning, Tracy, but you know.
Speaker 3:
[33:52] This right here is forbidden love.
Speaker 1:
[33:56] Black man, white woman on TV, this is forbidden love. I feel like Jim Brown. Yeah. News, I'm having an affair with her.
Speaker 3:
[34:19] I want you to have my daughter.
Speaker 1:
[34:20] Please have my daughter. Please have my daughter.
Speaker 3:
[34:22] I think it's so serious again.
Speaker 1:
[34:24] It's like... Lovable. He's pulling from like... It's like he's pulling lines from a novel. Scroll along.
Speaker 2:
[34:31] I think he lays on the table.
Speaker 3:
[34:33] Is Tracy Morgan black norm?
Speaker 1:
[34:36] Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:
[34:36] Doesn't he end up laying on this table?
Speaker 1:
[34:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back, go back.
Speaker 2:
[34:41] Go back a little bit.
Speaker 1:
[34:41] To the beginning of the home. Let's see what caught him there.
Speaker 3:
[34:45] He's showing a clip.
Speaker 5:
[34:46] Why not?
Speaker 3:
[34:52] This guy's like...
Speaker 5:
[34:52] This is why the women love you, Tracy.
Speaker 1:
[34:56] This is my impression of a pregnant woman.
Speaker 4:
[35:02] You know what? This is going to be dubbed like a million times on the Internet, and we're going to be the two morons sitting behind him going, I don't know what.
Speaker 1:
[35:07] We don't know what he did.
Speaker 4:
[35:10] You can't even suck it in too much.
Speaker 5:
[35:13] We got 90 seconds left, Tracy.
Speaker 4:
[35:15] You're going to be at the improv in Schomburg.
Speaker 1:
[35:18] We are at the improv in Schomburg.
Speaker 3:
[35:20] That's how you sell a ticket.
Speaker 1:
[35:21] Black people live out there? Any black people live out there?
Speaker 4:
[35:25] Not really.
Speaker 1:
[35:34] Bill Cartwright, come see me.
Speaker 4:
[35:37] I don't know what to say, Dries.
Speaker 1:
[35:39] Just say you love me.
Speaker 5:
[35:40] Say you love me.
Speaker 1:
[35:48] I gave you like $15 in your campaign, man. Get back to the community.
Speaker 5:
[35:54] Oh, man. It is going to be a red carpet night in Shamrock. Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, Oprah, they will all be there to see Tracy Morgan. Tracy, information on your screen.
Speaker 3:
[36:03] Oh, man. Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:
[36:06] He is Black Norm.
Speaker 3:
[36:08] He's Black Norm.
Speaker 1:
[36:09] Norm's...
Speaker 3:
[36:10] Take over an interview and not just go, I'm going to be funny in the interview, I'm going to make it a different thing.
Speaker 1:
[36:14] But can I tell you, the thing that will never happen again is, I think it's the thing about Norm, is you have to really not care. Like you have to really...
Speaker 3:
[36:26] Tracy doesn't give a shit about this morning TV.
Speaker 1:
[36:27] You have to let the fact that people are going to say, that wasn't funny.
Speaker 2:
[36:30] Yeah, you gotta let it go. I bet you didn't know that one man every single hour is diagnosed with testicular cancer. It's the most common cancer in men aged 15 to 35, which is why April is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month, which is why I want to shed some light on Manscapes partnership with the Testicular Cancer Society. Not only do they put $50,000 towards the cause, they also just dropped the TCS Ball Hero Bundle. This includes the Lamor 5.0 Ultra TCS Special Edition and Special Edition TCS Boxers 2.0. Join the over 13 million men who trust Manscape and use the code BEARS for 15% off your entire order at manscape.com. I've been using Manscape products for years. It's honestly my favorite trimmer that I've ever had. I travel with it everywhere. And here's the best part. By ordering the Manscape TCS Ball Hero Bundle, you're helping raise awareness for testicular cancer. Every purchase helps spread the life-saving message. Hurry, there's a limit to supply, so these Special Edition products won't last long. Get your bundle while supplies last, and let's help raise awareness for testicular cancer together. Get 15% off your entire order. The promo code BEARS at manscape.com. Visit manscape.com/tcs to learn more about how to check yourself or make a donation to at TCS Society today to save lives and balls.
Speaker 1:
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Speaker 3:
[38:59] Well, that's what was so cool about like, once Sam and Tom, all you guys start making fun, it's like, this doesn't matter. Nobody comes out for, so let's have fun. Let's make a clip like he did.
Speaker 1:
[39:10] It's interesting. Sam and Mark kind of use them for the clip. Yeah, they have no interest in the press itself.
Speaker 2:
[39:19] Dude, Sam's been doing this. I've seen, I just see his posts of it, where he just goes for an absolutely not okay morning show joke. Like, he just goes for the hardest joke. It's so fucking funny what he does. He goes for like abortion jokes at like seven o'clock in the morning, and you can see how scared they get. They're like, and then they're like, all right, and you can go see, it's like a way to get out of it, it's a really funny approach to it.
Speaker 1:
[39:45] Norman's first one was authentically fucking hysterical.
Speaker 2:
[39:49] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[39:49] The first time he did it, because you can tell he was hungover, he was still drunk.
Speaker 2:
[39:53] Still, yeah, super hungover.
Speaker 1:
[39:55] That's the best of those, and he was cursing on air, like, I'm a little gay.
Speaker 5:
[39:59] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[40:01] And that's the...
Speaker 2:
[40:04] I love fucking with the morning people, it's the best.
Speaker 3:
[40:07] It's just so funny, they realize this doesn't sell tickets.
Speaker 2:
[40:10] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[40:10] You know what, they're getting ready with it, they're getting the background on the way to work with the people that are like housewives.
Speaker 2:
[40:14] The first time I ever off with it, I was like, why are we doing this?
Speaker 1:
[40:18] And you started doing DJ Dadmo.
Speaker 3:
[40:19] DJ Dadmo, the full character, yeah. Look at that fat piece of shit. By the way, guys, this is not makeup in a character. The only thing he added there was a gold chain. Everything else was just his outfit. That was his regular fat... Oh, what a disgusting piece of shit.
Speaker 1:
[40:36] I did that show right after Tom did.
Speaker 3:
[40:39] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[40:39] And they were like, are you going to do, like one of the guys were like, yeah, and your friend Tom's like a DJ now. And I was like, what? And I was like, yeah, he's DJs. That's like his big thing. He doesn't do stand-up, but he's a DJ.
Speaker 2:
[40:53] The big thing that I would do on these when I started doing that, that the clubs would go, what the fuck? Is I would say I'm a DJ. And then they're like, you'll be at the impromptu. I go, don't worry about that. It's all about the after party. There was no after party. And I would go, meet me at this bar. I'm going to be DJing. And I'd get off, they go, what the fuck are you talking? You told people not to go to the show. I was like, no one's watching this, man. No one who's gonna buy a ticket is watching the 7 a.m. fucking news. They're not. And they were just like, all right. And once the shows would sell anyway, I'm like, they're already sold. Why are we doing this? Because we need you to do this.
Speaker 1:
[41:28] So I gotta tell you, out of all of that, like out of all the fun fuck off, I one time witnessed Daniel Tosh do morning radio with material. And I've never seen anything more powerful in my life. He did morning radio and did bits and didn't tell them he was doing bits. He did bits.
Speaker 2:
[41:48] But it disguised them.
Speaker 1:
[41:49] Disguised them?
Speaker 2:
[41:50] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[41:50] And it was fucking destructive. Where you were like...
Speaker 3:
[41:54] Like Byron Allen?
Speaker 1:
[41:55] They were like, do you have anything you want to talk about? Cause he was a Bob and Tom guy. Yeah. And he was good with...
Speaker 3:
[41:59] Was he really?
Speaker 1:
[42:00] Oh, hardcore. And he gave them like, gave them five bits, but all he knew is that first one, he was never gonna let them talk again. And so they said, so tell us about, you know...
Speaker 2:
[42:13] What's going on?
Speaker 1:
[42:14] Yeah. You're watching football? And he's like, I love football. I love guys that do steroids. I think they should be sponsored by Campbell's Soups. We turn them into veg. Like, and he just did his fucking...
Speaker 2:
[42:24] Material.
Speaker 1:
[42:25] And murdered. God.
Speaker 2:
[42:27] That probably did work then for sales. That probably did.
Speaker 1:
[42:30] I mean, but it's so interesting what sells now.
Speaker 2:
[42:33] Do you forget, by the way? I totally forget. I only remember when I get into like a rental car, that I'm like, oh yeah, the radio. Like, I forget.
Speaker 3:
[42:42] I love the radio.
Speaker 2:
[42:42] But I forget.
Speaker 3:
[42:43] I know, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[42:44] I totally forget. You'll be driving and then you go like... Because you haven't connected yet and you're like, oh yeah. Like, I'm always connected, like Bluetooth, you know? That there's people still turning on the radio.
Speaker 3:
[42:56] When I came back to New York from Ecuador and I was driving, Sal was letting me stay at his like, crash pad and somewhere. And I was driving from, I would get New Jersey, like conservative radio, but morning radio. Yeah. It's been so long since I heard it. So it was a mixture of conservative thought and morning. And so it's like, it'd be like, top five things New Jersey is known for. And so, oh, it's the blueberry state. By the way, the mask is a badge of compliance. They were just like, go on and on, back and forth to conservative and like fun. That was pretty.
Speaker 1:
[43:31] Those old school talk radios, AM talk radios were good. I was helping you out.
Speaker 3:
[43:37] Didn't really go anywhere.
Speaker 2:
[43:38] I mean, I was just, you know, you know what I like? You take risks, man. I like taking the swing.
Speaker 3:
[43:45] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[43:46] So tell us about Ecuador.
Speaker 2:
[43:49] Hold on. We should make a big point that May 9th, the 5K is back. You can sign up. There'll be conservatives there. There'll be Jews, Christians, Muslims.
Speaker 1:
[44:02] You've run our 5K before.
Speaker 3:
[44:04] Not really. Because I ran it with Brian Simpson, who... He's so fat. I think he's doing better. But he was like, we started running. And I mean, 30 seconds. He's like, hold on. Let's walk for a second. I was like, yeah, okay. Then eventually he's like, all right, let's pick it up again. Let's run. Let's work it. And then another 30 seconds. He's like, all right, let's walk for a second.
Speaker 2:
[44:27] Where was that one?
Speaker 1:
[44:28] And we got there late. That was in LA.
Speaker 3:
[44:31] LA, yeah. And then he goes, you can go ahead. I was like, no, Brian, I haven't seen you in a while. Let's catch up. And man, walking that 5K is beautiful.
Speaker 2:
[44:39] In Pasadena?
Speaker 3:
[44:40] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[44:40] Yeah. Amazing.
Speaker 1:
[44:42] Well, I walked through Jelly.
Speaker 3:
[44:42] It took 45 minutes to an hour and yeah, we killed it.
Speaker 2:
[44:47] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[44:48] 45 minutes to an hour.
Speaker 3:
[44:49] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[44:49] That's a big window.
Speaker 3:
[44:50] We passed the meatloaf or whatever and going the other way.
Speaker 1:
[44:54] Jelly roll.
Speaker 3:
[44:55] Jelly roll. And he was-
Speaker 2:
[44:57] Meat roll.
Speaker 3:
[44:58] And he was fucking running. And then that's when Brian was like, shit. And then we got sort of the end. So this is a place you can get to the end where you can see the finish line. And I was like, dude, dude, dude, we have got to work up a sweat before we get to that finish line. They're taking pictures. He's like, you're right. You're right. So we just ran around in place for like 20 seconds enough to get them going. He goes, now let's go. We just ran the last 30.
Speaker 2:
[45:17] That, by the way, when you see, I experienced this when I'm out running now is you'll, you'll be out on a run. I'll go to this trail and I'll see either like an older person, a fatter person, a woman, and they're ahead of me. And I'll just be like, you cannot let this person pass. Or just beat like beat you in this and it just in my head. I'll be you have to fucking run past this person.
Speaker 1:
[45:44] Oh, I ran in San Francisco.
Speaker 2:
[45:46] I don't mean any woman. I just mean most.
Speaker 1:
[45:48] I ran in San Francisco when we did MLB for Netflix. I woke up that morning like to see the sunrise. I want to see the sunrise.
Speaker 3:
[45:56] What did you guys do? Did you call the game?
Speaker 1:
[45:59] No, I just did like...
Speaker 2:
[45:59] He did something for it.
Speaker 1:
[46:00] I just did something for it. Just... I announced the teams.
Speaker 3:
[46:04] What did you play? Koi?
Speaker 1:
[46:05] No. What?
Speaker 3:
[46:07] You announced the teams?
Speaker 1:
[46:08] Yeah, like the ladies and gentlemen, the New York Yankees, ladies and gentlemen. And so... But I got up at like 6 in the morning. I want to see the sunrise. I haven't been drinking, so that's the only joy I get in life. Yeah. No. Oh, buddy, you have no idea. It's calling me. All I get are... Let's wrap up the 5K before we start talking about Boost. So I go out for a run, and there was an Asian woman who was run walking.
Speaker 2:
[46:31] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[46:31] And she was in front of me the whole time. She'd run and then walk, and I'd almost catch up to her.
Speaker 2:
[46:35] And she'd run again.
Speaker 1:
[46:36] I was like, nope. It was almost like I was chasing her in old school Vietnam.
Speaker 2:
[46:40] Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[46:41] Do the jungle. And she would just run walk, and I couldn't get past her. And running in San Francisco, everyone was faster than me. Everyone, because they're all tech kids that don't really like, now let's talk about drinking. Sign up for the 2, 5 Bears, 2K, whatever.
Speaker 2:
[46:58] 2bears5k.com. It's May 9th. It's at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. It is during the festival. And it is like a fucking fun day. It's not just for...
Speaker 1:
[47:08] You're committed for the Shaq thing, just so you know.
Speaker 2:
[47:10] I'm not.
Speaker 1:
[47:11] You're Shaq damage.
Speaker 3:
[47:12] You're Shaq to the full right now. Why? Why?
Speaker 1:
[47:13] Are you leaving?
Speaker 2:
[47:14] Yeah, I'm not going to be there. I promise. I promise.
Speaker 1:
[47:16] Well, it's me, Matt Reif, Mark Norman, Sam Morell, I think Stavi.
Speaker 2:
[47:22] That's a great line up.
Speaker 1:
[47:22] I know, but I wanted you on it. I think we got Ms. Pat's gonna be on it.
Speaker 2:
[47:27] Jesus.
Speaker 1:
[47:28] It's a great line up. Anyway, let's get back to these kids.
Speaker 2:
[47:33] These kids?
Speaker 1:
[47:34] So I'm not drinking, right?
Speaker 2:
[47:37] Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3:
[47:37] If you can remember, it's the worst when you're not drinking.
Speaker 1:
[47:39] No, and so what happens is, no, I haven't slept. What happens is your phone really does listen. So if you go into my algorithm, all it is is sobriety stories. That's all I get. Every fucking day. And can I tell you-
Speaker 2:
[47:54] Do you still have your pull the fucking latch day? Is it still July?
Speaker 1:
[47:59] July 12th.
Speaker 2:
[48:00] It's happening.
Speaker 1:
[48:01] July 12th. And I would put this to you.
Speaker 3:
[48:04] July 12th, you get to drink again?
Speaker 1:
[48:05] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[48:06] You should record yourself.
Speaker 1:
[48:07] Well, I-
Speaker 3:
[48:08] What are you gonna have?
Speaker 1:
[48:09] Can I tell you, I was thinking about, I was thinking about what would be a great city to fall off the wagon.
Speaker 3:
[48:16] New Orleans, Louisiana.
Speaker 1:
[48:17] No.
Speaker 3:
[48:18] That's where we stopped over October once.
Speaker 1:
[48:20] No, but think about it. Then you gotta think it through. Because New Orleans can be a little depressing in the morning.
Speaker 3:
[48:24] Phnom Penh.
Speaker 1:
[48:25] What?
Speaker 3:
[48:25] Phnom Penh, fuck a child.
Speaker 1:
[48:27] Phnom Penh?
Speaker 3:
[48:28] Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
Speaker 1:
[48:29] Okay. Once again, that's too far of a flight.
Speaker 3:
[48:31] Okay, okay, okay. Let's keep thinking.
Speaker 1:
[48:32] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[48:33] Hometown? Tampa?
Speaker 3:
[48:34] Tampa.
Speaker 1:
[48:35] No.
Speaker 3:
[48:36] Play golf, drink in the course.
Speaker 1:
[48:37] No, because then I got a bunch of dudes that I fucking grew up with that are all like, I don't want to go out into-
Speaker 3:
[48:40] In here, on a podcast with your best friend.
Speaker 2:
[48:41] You want it to be like Aspen, so you're like-
Speaker 1:
[48:43] I don't know.
Speaker 3:
[48:44] High altitude. No, low altitude.
Speaker 1:
[48:46] Drink more.
Speaker 3:
[48:47] Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 2:
[48:48] Beach, you like the- You love the beach.
Speaker 3:
[48:50] The Dead Sea. Below altitude, drink even more than you would.
Speaker 2:
[48:52] Baru Khata, Luna, you want something like that.
Speaker 3:
[48:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[48:56] I keep thinking, I keep hearing Nick Swartz's Key West stories. I go, Key West would be a good place.
Speaker 3:
[49:02] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[49:03] The Turks and Caicos, Jamaica.
Speaker 2:
[49:06] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[49:07] I could make a flight to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands.
Speaker 2:
[49:11] A Caribbean thing would be cool.
Speaker 1:
[49:12] Caribbean, like to fall off the wagon.
Speaker 3:
[49:15] What's a great drinking town? What's known as a great drink town? New York City, Chicago.
Speaker 1:
[49:20] But yeah, I keep saying like Chicago would be fun.
Speaker 2:
[49:23] No, you want the sands. I think you want the beach.
Speaker 1:
[49:26] What I want is I want three days of drinking. I want three days of like Cayman Islands, get up, cocktail in the pool, run it in the afternoon.
Speaker 2:
[49:37] You should book this ahead of time so it's like a whole thing.
Speaker 1:
[49:40] But I'm trying to think of the best place, and everyone always goes, Chicago, New York. And you're like, yeah, but New York's like...
Speaker 2:
[49:45] I kind of feel like this is just how I look at my own unwinding. I never really unwind until I leave the country. So I think if you go to like, even if it's a Caribbean eye, it's not that far, but you're just unplugged from home, it's going to be a more fun experience.
Speaker 3:
[50:03] It's plus July, summertime. You know what, Chicago, New York are drinking towns because you drink consistently there. But you're talking about drinking hard and well for just a few days.
Speaker 1:
[50:12] And enjoying beautiful vids, views.
Speaker 2:
[50:15] Yeah, you don't want to be in the concrete jungle, dude. No.
Speaker 3:
[50:18] Looking good, Billy Ray.
Speaker 1:
[50:20] Feeling good. But yeah, July 12th, I fall off and I can't.
Speaker 2:
[50:25] Why?
Speaker 3:
[50:26] What is this? What's going on?
Speaker 1:
[50:28] I got a blood clot in my leg and trouble in my lungs. And so I got on blood thinners. Dude, I can't.
Speaker 3:
[50:34] I thought you were already on blood thinners.
Speaker 1:
[50:35] Let me tell you the thing. No, no, no. I take baby aspirin. But now I have a little bit more perspective. When they told me I couldn't drink for six months, dude, it felt like... Death sentence? Yeah, they told me of a death sentence. I was like, I remember the first thing I said, I was like, what am I supposed to do for the Super Bowl? And the doctor was like, what are you talking about? I was like, NASCAR, I got the Daytona 500, South Beach Food and Wine Festival. What are we talking about? Like, how am I gonna do this?
Speaker 3:
[51:05] It's in the name.
Speaker 1:
[51:06] And then you don't drink and then you're like, I can not drink for anything. Like, not drinking is, drinking is-
Speaker 2:
[51:11] It's not been hard?
Speaker 1:
[51:12] Not at all.
Speaker 3:
[51:12] Not at all?
Speaker 1:
[51:13] Not at all, not one bit, not one bit. The hardest part, honestly, is flying. Because I do know-
Speaker 3:
[51:19] You're always a big player.
Speaker 1:
[51:20] I do know that in turbulence, there is something that could make me go away.
Speaker 2:
[51:26] I've never, dude, it's been years. When we had that weight loss competition and Joe sent us to San Francisco to go watch the Warriors and Cavs play. This is when Braun was on the Cavs. We were watching Braun, Steph, the two premier teams. This guy picks me up at my house. He has the car service come to my house. I get in, he's got the, it's the 64 ounce, 7-Eleven mug with crushed ice. And it's just vodka soda. It's 64 ounces, dude. It's massive. And I'm like, what is that? He's like, it's early. It's like eight o'clock in the morning. He drinks that. And I'm like, holy shit. He's like, have one, come on, man. Fucking have one.
Speaker 3:
[52:15] It's such a good beer pressure.
Speaker 2:
[52:17] I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1:
[52:18] And you're not a drinker. And you got, we walked into the, we walked into the Admiral's Club.
Speaker 2:
[52:23] Oh, right away by, at the airport, they're like, Bert! At the bartenders.
Speaker 3:
[52:26] Everyone, everyone.
Speaker 2:
[52:28] And then they like put it down. They're like, here you go. Like they just, he doesn't have to say what he wants.
Speaker 1:
[52:32] I never, his name is Carl. He's passed away now. Carl would put down drinks and then, and then every time right before I go to get on the plane, Carl would go, hey, traveler. I go, yeah. And he goes, Caucasian. I go, please. And then a coffee cup, like a big coffee cup, he'd make a white Russian for me. So it looked like I was drinking coffee on the plane. And I get on the plane with a white Russian and just sip. Oh dude.
Speaker 2:
[52:53] And by the time we landed, he's like seven doubles into the day. And then we go to the hotel and he's like, let's check out the bar. Let's go have a drink at the bar, right? And I'm like, I need to take a nap right now.
Speaker 3:
[53:06] I'm already bomb drunk.
Speaker 2:
[53:07] And then we go to the game.
Speaker 3:
[53:09] Your ability to not pass out.
Speaker 2:
[53:10] Drinking just keeps going on. So when we finally get back, like I'm really like hanging, I've had four drinks, you know, he's on whatever. And then we got, he's like, let's go smoke a cigar.
Speaker 1:
[53:21] Yeah, I thought you were gonna, I was wondering if you were gonna remember that.
Speaker 2:
[53:23] And we go to smoke a cigar. And then I'm sitting here smoking a cigar, but I'm like, oh Jesus, like, I never drank this much. And so finally, like, you know, we're getting to the end of our cigar. I'm like, all right, he goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm gonna go to bed. He goes, don't you want this feeling to continue? Like, don't you want this to just keep going? And I'm like, no, I wanna lay the fuck down.
Speaker 3:
[53:42] There is a different thing that you get where it's like, let's go hard. And the other normal people go like, I can't, nothing I want more than laying in a bed. It would be so nice. So you're three months into sobriety.
Speaker 1:
[53:54] Can I tell you the crazy part is I just got blood work back.
Speaker 2:
[54:01] Well, don't listen to that.
Speaker 3:
[54:02] You've always been perfect.
Speaker 2:
[54:03] Don't listen to that.
Speaker 1:
[54:04] My liver now is healthier than it's been in years and I cannot wait to put a fucking dent in it. Dude, all I hear, I cannot wait for it to go, oh, what happened? I got my numbers back and they've never been like in the 18s and the 20s. It's always 36, 45, all right at the top. Boom, I'm ready to get after it.
Speaker 2:
[54:33] It's almost like you can connect these dots.
Speaker 1:
[54:35] Blood pressure, blood pressure, Tom?
Speaker 2:
[54:37] Perfect.
Speaker 1:
[54:38] Low. I got low blood. They're taking me off meds. Wow. I'm off meds. I'm like, it's crazy.
Speaker 3:
[54:45] So no point. He goes, I'm going to not drink now?
Speaker 2:
[54:47] Everybody's in this.
Speaker 1:
[54:49] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:
[54:50] I apologize.
Speaker 1:
[54:51] Well, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Here's the deal. Let's break it down.
Speaker 3:
[54:55] Let's break it down.
Speaker 1:
[54:56] You will not be remembered. No one will remember you. You will have no legacy. When you're the last person that remembers your name is dead, no one will ever talk about you again.
Speaker 2:
[55:05] Right.
Speaker 1:
[55:05] That's it. It's over. Life's a cash grab.
Speaker 2:
[55:07] That's true.
Speaker 1:
[55:08] You'll never think it's anything more than a cash grab. All these influencers waking up and cold plunging in sauna and running 12 miles and doing 100 miles, thinking that they're going to leave a legacy, you're not. You're fucking not. You're going to die next to Doug Stanhope.
Speaker 3:
[55:23] 2 Bears 5K coming May 9th, 2026.
Speaker 1:
[55:26] But that's all I'm getting is influencers. And it's like, Dave, you get half of them sobriety as their brand where they're trying to monetize it. You know, like I saw some fucking piece of garbage today on the side of a fucking thing and he was like, I got 300 days sober. I got custody of my daughter back. And you're like, immediately I find, he goes, I clear a million dollars a year. If you two want to learn how to clear a million dollars a year, I'm like pussy, get out of here. You couldn't handle it. And then I get the ones are like, they're like, let me tell you something. When I was drugs and alcohol, I was, I would run you over with my car for drugs. I would do anything for drugs. And then I go and they're like, but I got God first, family second, my church third. And then I'm like, and you are still one key bump away from sucking my dick. Like let's be clear, like you're not there. You didn't fix the fucking problem.
Speaker 3:
[56:19] Also, I run you over my car to get drugs. You can just buy it. Yeah. You don't have to hurt anybody. Just buy it from a dealer.
Speaker 1:
[56:27] All I get are sobriety stories. Every now and then I get a go, like Nick Swarzen, I've said this to Nick, so I don't mind sharing. When Nick talks about not drinking.
Speaker 3:
[56:35] Nick doesn't drink either?
Speaker 1:
[56:36] No, no, he both, man, and I, once again.
Speaker 2:
[56:40] He's sober.
Speaker 1:
[56:41] He's sober, but he's good.
Speaker 2:
[56:44] He's really like changed in a good way.
Speaker 3:
[56:46] No, yeah, that's fair. I mean, his fun days of drinking were a long time ago.
Speaker 1:
[56:51] I mean, I'm not gonna tell any Nick stories out of school, but if you listen to the Blocks podcast that I did with Neil Brennan, he, my favorite part of the Blocks podcast, because only a real drinker would think this would shade it, is he goes, you know, and Neil's like, what's it like when you are having like a real drinking time? He goes, I don't know, get up around like nine, go to the bar, and Neil goes, nine? And Nick goes, maybe 10.
Speaker 3:
[57:19] As if, as if, as if that's better.
Speaker 2:
[57:20] Oh, so good.
Speaker 3:
[57:21] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[57:22] But all these kids these days, they're not drinking, they're all microdosing. And it's, and it's like, you're not, I mean, listen, I just think, you know, part of the fun of drinking, and I wish marijuana offered this. Like I was talking to someone about starting a weed company, but I want, here's what I want. I want such low dose weed at the same ratio as alcohol.
Speaker 3:
[57:45] It's coming back, you keep doing it. No, that's coming back. Low weed, shitty Mexican weed, it's coming back.
Speaker 1:
[57:49] Yeah, I want low weed because part of the fun of drinking is doing it. Is, do you want another one? Do you want another one? Do you want it? Hey, one more before you go. That energy. The thing when you take 10 milligrams of an edible, then you're done and you're just like, well, the imbibing is gone.
Speaker 2:
[58:06] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[58:06] Right, yeah, you can't keep running it.
Speaker 1:
[58:08] And I gotta be honest with you, and I'm being very real, 10 milligrams is a lot for me. I can't do 10 milligrams and enjoy it. I'm a 5-milligram guy, quite often 2.5 and then fucking drink on it and then take another 2.5.
Speaker 2:
[58:20] And then you're chilling.
Speaker 1:
[58:21] But like, alcohol is such a brilliant social lubricant in life. I mean, I've met so many people on planes, in bars, so many great times are had when that person breaks their willpower and goes, fine, fuck it, let's have a drink. And all these kids are missing out on that. And they're just like, I got up, I worked out, I'm this, I do, and so it's all based off these dudes they saw in the military, you know, put out like these channels where they're, the manosphere, you know, you don't need alcohol, you just need to work out. Let me show you a kettle wall complex. And you're like, what the fuck? It makes no sense to me.
Speaker 2:
[59:05] So you're gonna go hard in.
Speaker 1:
[59:07] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[59:08] And then you're allowed to like, there's no ease back up. You're allowed to, once they say July 12th, you're just allowed.
Speaker 1:
[59:13] Well, I'm in production.
Speaker 3:
[59:13] I don't know what about it is.
Speaker 1:
[59:14] I think I'm in production in July. So I'm afraid to go off the bend, go on, like if it's a weekend, I may go on, I'm gonna just take a fucking whiff, and then whiff, whiff, whiff, and then fly home. You know? And then there's part of me that says, don't cheat it, like don't cheat it. This is my first time drinking. What I may do on July 12th, right, I may have one beer to break the number, to get rid of the number. The number fucks you up. The number fucks everyone up in AA. The number is what fucks you up. The number. I talked to someone the other day.
Speaker 3:
[59:46] How many days you've had sober?
Speaker 1:
[59:47] He goes, he goes, 375 days.
Speaker 2:
[59:50] I went, what?
Speaker 1:
[59:51] He goes, 375 days, I wish I'd never started counting. And I was like, really? He goes, the number's fucking me up. He goes, I don't have a problem, but he goes, now I'm obsessed with the number.
Speaker 2:
[60:00] I get that with Duolingo, because I just don't want it to break.
Speaker 1:
[60:04] You were joking, Duolingo. What happens with Duolingo?
Speaker 3:
[60:07] You get a streak or you can take your days. And then you're like, I don't want to break my streak, so I have to, people weigh in.
Speaker 2:
[60:11] And they do that.
Speaker 3:
[60:12] At 11:30 PM, you'll hear the sound a bunch in bars. You'll hear that Duolingo, I gotta get my streak. It's almost midnight.
Speaker 2:
[60:18] Yeah. Are you on it too? Jesus.
Speaker 1:
[60:23] It's so good.
Speaker 2:
[60:25] He's doing this just for you.
Speaker 1:
[60:27] Love it. I love it, I love it.
Speaker 2:
[60:31] Wait, do you have a streak?
Speaker 3:
[60:33] I just stopped at four years and then I'm now I'm done. I'm just like, I got to four years, I'm out.
Speaker 2:
[60:37] It's a total, it's engineered, you know? It's like really, they know what it does. I love it, I love it.
Speaker 1:
[60:41] It's about to happen to you.
Speaker 2:
[60:42] What?
Speaker 1:
[60:43] It's about to get warm. And you're about to melt into your seat and a thunderstorm could come running up on you and you wouldn't fucking move. A shark could swim up to you and you'd feel confident enough to push its nose away. I love alcohol.
Speaker 3:
[60:57] How great is it being drunk and it's raining out and you're just like, I'm fine. I'm just staying here. Guys, I'm fine.
Speaker 2:
[61:02] Drunk in the rain is good.
Speaker 3:
[61:03] I'm fine.
Speaker 2:
[61:04] Yeah, that's a good one. Now, the rain especially.
Speaker 3:
[61:07] Come on, come in, come in. I'm fine.
Speaker 1:
[61:09] We were driving through Greensboro, North Carolina yesterday.
Speaker 3:
[61:13] Hometown.
Speaker 1:
[61:14] Are you serious?
Speaker 3:
[61:14] Yeah, I lived there till fourth grade. College seven.
Speaker 1:
[61:18] That makes so much sense.
Speaker 3:
[61:18] We were both in college seven.
Speaker 1:
[61:20] We're driving. Drink water. We're driving from the arena to this place where there's a mural of me. A woman did this beautiful mural of me. It's huge. It's like fucking a hundred feet big.
Speaker 2:
[61:34] What? In Greensboro?
Speaker 1:
[61:36] In Greensboro. Just type in Greensboro, North Carolina, mural, Bert. I'm sure it'll come up. So I'm driving there and I saw, I'm only gonna call him Lithuanian because that's what he looked like. Five, six, shaved gray hair, shorts, no shirt, belly, and he's in the middle of a, yeah, that's the mural. That's a mural? Yeah. On the side of a building, yeah. So I was going to see that.
Speaker 3:
[62:06] You look good there.
Speaker 1:
[62:07] And this guy, this guy was sitting in a parking lot with a tall boy and a cigarette, barefoot, in a bathing suit, in a lawn chair, and he was just sitting there and nothing, just drinking by himself. And I went, that's so sexy.
Speaker 2:
[62:23] So sexy. That's crazy. That's a crazy mural, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[62:29] That's pretty cool.
Speaker 1:
[62:29] I got to give a shout out to the girl who did it.
Speaker 2:
[62:31] Yeah, hold on.
Speaker 3:
[62:33] Jenna Rice.
Speaker 1:
[62:34] Oh, Jenna Rice. Yeah, Jenna. I met with her yesterday. She's awesome. I'm going to have her do one of Leanne, but in the AI Leanne.
Speaker 2:
[62:45] And put it on a wall?
Speaker 1:
[62:46] And it would do a big one on a wall of Leanne in a bikini.
Speaker 2:
[62:49] You're going to hire her to do that?
Speaker 1:
[62:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do a big one and don't tell Leanne about it, and then just be like, holy shit, that looks like you. And they're going to be like, wait, that is me.
Speaker 3:
[62:59] I go, no, that can't be.
Speaker 1:
[63:00] Why would that be you? Who would pay to have a mirror?
Speaker 3:
[63:02] In LA?
Speaker 1:
[63:03] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[63:03] That's so funny. That's so funny.
Speaker 2:
[63:05] Especially if you do it in the neighborhood, like somewhere close.
Speaker 1:
[63:08] And she'd be like, god damn it.
Speaker 2:
[63:09] Every time she turns onto Ventura, she's like, what the fuck?
Speaker 3:
[63:13] Side of a pons.
Speaker 1:
[63:15] Next to Pony Boy Curtis.
Speaker 2:
[63:19] That's really funny, dude.
Speaker 1:
[63:21] I'm so jealous that you're drinking right now.
Speaker 3:
[63:24] I'm doing it to make you jealous. I'm not generally a AM drinker. Unless I'm with you, and then it's so fun. You drink so well. I'm the only one who has consistently said you should not give up drinking.
Speaker 2:
[63:37] This reminds me of how much fun it was when we went to the National Championship game.
Speaker 3:
[63:41] Going to Topgolf first. Do you remember? That's when I realized you do doubles at a two to one rate to our singles.
Speaker 1:
[63:48] Yeah. I don't count doubles as a double. I just consider it a drink.
Speaker 3:
[63:51] But you do doubles. You're like, give me two Tito's doubles. And we have one Tito's single.
Speaker 1:
[63:56] My favorite moment in all of that.
Speaker 3:
[63:59] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[64:00] And I wonder if it's, I have a couple of really favorite ones.
Speaker 3:
[64:03] We went to the National Championship game, Alabama versus Georgia.
Speaker 2:
[64:06] It was an amazing game.
Speaker 3:
[64:07] Sick, sick game because these two pieces of shit got below, got below obese for a bet.
Speaker 1:
[64:13] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[64:13] Because they managed to get not obese.
Speaker 1:
[64:19] We had some great moments. We stayed in the fourth ward. I know where we stayed now, cause I've lived in Atlanta. We stayed in the fourth ward.
Speaker 3:
[64:26] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[64:26] It's being gentrified. That's how we got that place.
Speaker 3:
[64:28] We started it.
Speaker 1:
[64:29] Yeah, we did. We were right across from 2019? Ebenezer Baptist Church.
Speaker 3:
[64:33] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[64:34] And we had that moment in the liquor store where the Prince song was playing and everyone in the liquor store started dancing. But my favorite part out of anything, out of anything, is when we got Ms. Pat called and said, get to the game early. The line is crazy.
Speaker 3:
[64:50] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[64:50] And we get to the line.
Speaker 3:
[64:51] By the way, if you're looking at this picture, those are two not obese people. That's how much space you got just to get to fat.
Speaker 2:
[65:05] Yeah, it's crazy.
Speaker 1:
[65:06] We get to the game, and Trump shows up. And the line is not even a line. It looks like Vietnam in 1970.
Speaker 3:
[65:16] It's like they're all trying to get out.
Speaker 2:
[65:18] It's crazy.
Speaker 3:
[65:20] Remember, I am legend. They're all trying to get to the helicopters.
Speaker 1:
[65:24] I've never seen anything like that.
Speaker 3:
[65:25] I love this so much.
Speaker 1:
[65:28] And Tom says, what if there's two black kids in a blue coats that are just standing there? They're not doing anything.
Speaker 3:
[65:36] They're like security or something. They work for the...
Speaker 1:
[65:39] They do something official, but we don't know what they do. It's all white people going to this national championship game. Tom gives them 300 bucks each and goes, will you guys walk us through this crowd? And they're like, bet. And so these two young black kids start going, excuse me, excuse me.
Speaker 3:
[65:58] It was such a good move.
Speaker 2:
[65:59] And people were like, what the...
Speaker 1:
[66:01] What are they doing? He goes, ESPN, we gotta get them in right now. We gotta get them in right now. And then...
Speaker 3:
[66:06] We were just trailing.
Speaker 1:
[66:08] And then my favorite moment ever is...
Speaker 3:
[66:12] As people start getting mad.
Speaker 1:
[66:13] People are getting mad. We are in the center. We have made such great time. We are in the center.
Speaker 3:
[66:18] Everyone behind is sees. I was like, what the fuck? But we're past them. We're past anyone who's angry, we're past them.
Speaker 1:
[66:24] And this white woman goes, who the fuck are they? And he goes, man, they're famous. She goes, I don't know who they are. And he goes, they're famous. She goes, you only hired those two kids because they're black and you knew we wouldn't say anything. And the two black kids go, we're out. And they left.
Speaker 3:
[66:40] They left us there. They left us right there. They go, yep, we might be in trouble for this.
Speaker 1:
[66:44] We're out of here. And then we were stuck standing next to that woman.
Speaker 3:
[66:49] Oh, right there. Right next to Karen, number one.
Speaker 2:
[66:52] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[66:53] And then people are like, I have never heard you. And then Bert goes, my name's Tom Segura.
Speaker 2:
[66:57] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[66:58] And you're like, bro, do not. Who let me up on Netflix, motherfucker?
Speaker 2:
[67:01] I remember that. God damn, that was very fun. That was such a fun time.
Speaker 3:
[67:05] What a fun time and what a game.
Speaker 2:
[67:07] I remember sitting on the back patio smoking cigars.
Speaker 3:
[67:10] You got nice ones. I think you had David Officer or something.
Speaker 2:
[67:14] Cool ones.
Speaker 3:
[67:14] And it was like, wow.
Speaker 2:
[67:15] And I remember being cold when we were outside.
Speaker 3:
[67:18] Because you guys weren't obese anymore.
Speaker 1:
[67:20] So it was like, how much do you think our weight then?
Speaker 3:
[67:22] Freezing out here in Atlanta.
Speaker 2:
[67:23] Yeah, it was cold.
Speaker 1:
[67:24] How much do you think our weight then?
Speaker 2:
[67:26] Probably like 230.
Speaker 3:
[67:28] Shut your fucking mouth.
Speaker 1:
[67:30] Then?
Speaker 3:
[67:31] Look at that.
Speaker 2:
[67:32] What do you think it is?
Speaker 3:
[67:34] Three.
Speaker 2:
[67:36] Three.
Speaker 1:
[67:36] Low three. Low three. I'm not gonna go about Tom or me.
Speaker 3:
[67:39] I'm talking about you.
Speaker 1:
[67:40] There was no way Tom was 220 pounds in that picture.
Speaker 3:
[67:43] No.
Speaker 2:
[67:43] I didn't say I was.
Speaker 1:
[67:44] Wait, what are you?
Speaker 3:
[67:45] Wait, what's not obese?
Speaker 1:
[67:46] Here? I don't know.
Speaker 3:
[67:48] What's not obese for you guys?
Speaker 1:
[67:49] Hang on. I'll give you the exact, I'll tell you exactly how much I weighed. I took measurements back then.
Speaker 2:
[67:55] You have the measurements?
Speaker 1:
[67:56] 100%. I keep them all.
Speaker 2:
[67:58] But you'll know your weight though?
Speaker 1:
[67:59] Watch this. Waist.
Speaker 2:
[68:02] You'll just know your measurement.
Speaker 1:
[68:04] No, no. What date? I'll know everything. That was September 30th, October 31st, 2017.
Speaker 2:
[68:11] That's way in. But this is in January.
Speaker 3:
[68:16] This is fatter.
Speaker 2:
[68:16] This is January of the next year.
Speaker 1:
[68:20] We had to be under, I had to be under 216 pounds.
Speaker 2:
[68:23] To get not obese.
Speaker 1:
[68:24] In that photo? No, no, no.
Speaker 3:
[68:25] To be not obese.
Speaker 2:
[68:26] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[68:26] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[68:27] The fact that you guys were cutting weight was so funny. So you were like, I'm getting there.
Speaker 1:
[68:32] You know, that is the impetus of poor osos, really, honestly. Because what happened is I said I was going to lose weight and I was going to drink the whole time.
Speaker 3:
[68:40] You did it the right way.
Speaker 1:
[68:41] And I was like, I will drink Tito's and sodas the whole time.
Speaker 3:
[68:44] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[68:45] Now I know that I talk shit, but at the time in 2016, 2016, 17 was the weight loss thing. 16 was the weight loss challenge. 2016 was the weight loss challenge because my machine story went viral that week.
Speaker 3:
[69:00] 2016, I left for Myanmar in 2017 and I found a computer at a place and started a new email account. Guys, I will pay you, but I left.
Speaker 1:
[69:12] 2016.
Speaker 2:
[69:13] I thought it was 17.
Speaker 1:
[69:14] 2016, Tito's was a popular brand of vodka, but they weren't as big as they are today. And I had met a dude on a plane who got a Tito's and soda, or who told me about Tito's, and he was a male model, and I started drinking Tito's because of that weight loss, because he goes, I can drink it and not gain weight. And I said, I'm going to drink Tito's, that whole fucking weight loss, and I did. And I went out on a limb and Tito's people started showing up to my shows, giving me gift baskets. And then I reached out to Tito's and was like, yo, I'd like to be a, you know, not a brand ambassador wasn't a thing, but I'd like to work with the company. And Tito, word got back to me, Tito, the guy, his real name's Bert, said, what? Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito's. And I went, huh?
Speaker 2:
[70:02] That was a message that was relayed to you?
Speaker 1:
[70:04] Yes, and I went, are you being serious? And they're like, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[70:08] Do you think he was drunk off Tito's?
Speaker 1:
[70:09] I don't know, I think he was like, I don't know who the fuck this, well let's be honest, he did build his own brand, he did build his own vodka, he did it all himself, he's got some guy saying, this guy Bert talks about your vodka a lot, and then he's like, well fuck him. I mean, why not? Fuck him, tell him to just stop drinking my vodka.
Speaker 2:
[70:25] But was that explicitly said to you?
Speaker 1:
[70:27] Like, go himself? And then I stopped drinking Tito's because of it. And I was like, well I can't drink Tito's now, I can't fuck, I don't like the guy. And I wasn't looking for like a brand deal, I wasn't looking for a million dollars. I was looking to be involved with the company somehow because I was such a brand ambassador. And so when we started Poor Osos, I was like, you know what? Fuck Tito's.
Speaker 3:
[70:47] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[70:47] Fuck him.
Speaker 3:
[70:48] Fuck Tito's.
Speaker 1:
[70:49] I mean, I hate it because I had so many good memories of drinking Tito's back then, but you know.
Speaker 2:
[70:54] Well, this is a better product, so him.
Speaker 1:
[70:56] Let me tell you, if you're a young kid and you're like, yo, I want to work with Poor Osos, you will not hear me say, tell that guy to fuck himself.
Speaker 3:
[71:02] You should do that to somebody high level. Mr. Beast, you should tell him to fuck off.
Speaker 1:
[71:05] No way.
Speaker 3:
[71:06] Jimmy? You don't need his fucking help.
Speaker 1:
[71:08] Do you know how much I need Jimmy in my life?
Speaker 3:
[71:10] Fuck Mr. Beast. Poor Osos, I'm the brand ambassador now.
Speaker 1:
[71:16] There's a bunch of kids that all get fucking faded and then run in the morning.
Speaker 3:
[71:20] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[71:20] I love those kids.
Speaker 3:
[71:22] Get drunk, run.
Speaker 1:
[71:23] They all do it. And there's a dude in Austin who does it. His name's Bender. His last name's Bender.
Speaker 3:
[71:29] Perfect.
Speaker 2:
[71:30] So, real quick, The End.
Speaker 3:
[71:32] The End is out now.
Speaker 2:
[71:33] It's out on ymhstudios.com.
Speaker 3:
[71:35] theend.ymhstudios.com. Everybody's in it. It's great. I don't forget what to say. No.
Speaker 2:
[71:43] Just that you have an incredible lineup. And the stories are awesome.
Speaker 3:
[71:47] And there's a prologue in there that you guys have got for free unless you just buy the Nate episode. The Nate episode is a clean episode.
Speaker 2:
[71:55] Oh, right.
Speaker 3:
[71:56] As long as you get a clean episode.
Speaker 2:
[71:58] That's smart. That's smart.
Speaker 3:
[71:59] It worked out thematically.
Speaker 1:
[72:01] I mean, he's clean. He just doesn't curse. He's still funny.
Speaker 3:
[72:05] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[72:05] Yeah. I don't want people hearing this and going, ah, clean, I'm out. It's still funny.
Speaker 2:
[72:10] He's hilarious.
Speaker 3:
[72:11] But any other episode you get, you get the prologue, too. But get the whole season for the discount. You know, I was looking at my bumpers I recorded, like in South America. Knowing this would come out, like save some podcast. So with Bobby Kelly, I just went on, I was like, the price is 10 bucks each, 9.99, 50 for the season. And then now I gotta be like, hey, that was, Tom told me that's crazy. He said people, $50 for a lot of people is a weak salary. And they can't afford that. He said, he told me, you told me that people are struggling, they're poor, everyone's poor except you. And that $50 is just too much. They need to put gas in their car.
Speaker 1:
[72:48] They make about $50 a week.
Speaker 2:
[72:49] Okay, so that's great.
Speaker 3:
[72:51] So it's now $24.99 for the whole, $30 for the whole season and just, and $6 an episode.
Speaker 2:
[72:58] Great deal. That's all I'm about, man. Save those shekels and just, you know, spend them when you can. It is actually, it's a totally great price for what you put together. So make sure you check it out. It's on ymhstudios.com. Please sign up at 2bears5k.com for the May 9th 5K. Bert, myself, a bunch of people. There's gonna be music, there's food. It's a great time. It's at the Rose Bowl.
Speaker 1:
[73:23] It'll be great. We'll have Por Osos there. I won't be drinking it. I think I'm gonna smoke weed.
Speaker 3:
[73:25] You still won't drink that?
Speaker 1:
[73:26] Oh man. I gotta figure out a reason to smoke weed.
Speaker 3:
[73:29] I know one.
Speaker 1:
[73:30] Why?
Speaker 3:
[73:30] Get Snoopy Dog Dog to come in off some sort of like a zip wire, something fun, maybe even a golf cart, and then light a blunt, hand it to you and drive off.
Speaker 1:
[73:40] I would love Snoop to break my weed sobriety.
Speaker 3:
[73:43] You can't smoke weed either?
Speaker 1:
[73:44] No, I can now. I can. But I haven't because I don't have a reason. Like I've just been like, well, I don't need it to go to bed, and I don't need it to unwind.
Speaker 2:
[73:53] You should definitely do that.
Speaker 1:
[73:55] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[73:55] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[73:57] 92 days today.
Speaker 2:
[73:59] Incredible.
Speaker 1:
[74:00] Number.
Speaker 2:
[74:01] Well, Mazel or whatever you guys say.
Speaker 3:
[74:07] The only stuff you've learned about culture is this shit.
Speaker 1:
[74:09] I mean papers, please, or what do you guys say?
Speaker 3:
[74:11] Paper? That's a different.
Speaker 2:
[74:13] Okay. Mechad and Mechad, and we'll see you guys next week.