transcript
Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
[00:18] Well made.
Speaker 1:
[00:19] Well made, yeah. And, I mean.
Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[00:25] That's right.
Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 1:
[02:22] This one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you, looking at me.
Speaker 2:
[02:27] Yeah, I go, not much.
Speaker 1:
[02:28] What the f**k was that?
Speaker 2:
[02:30] You had a joke about pickles?
Speaker 1:
[02:32] What the f**k are you doing out there playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes?
Speaker 2:
[02:37] I went into my dorm at the SAE house, and two twin beds, and the guy said, no, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we f**k this one and sleep in this one, or what should we do?
Speaker 1:
[02:54] What are you looking at?
Speaker 2:
[02:57] Do you know what you're looking at? Is it a rhetorical question?
Speaker 1:
[03:01] Yeah, this one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you, looking at me, bitch.
Speaker 2:
[03:06] Yeah, I go, not much.
Speaker 1:
[03:10] I'm trying to figure it out.
Speaker 2:
[03:12] I go, move. And they go, make me. I go, I don't make trash. I burn it.
Speaker 1:
[03:16] Yeah. And if they start coming at me, I just will cut it out and do this thing. Cut it out.
Speaker 2:
[03:22] I go like this, not the face.
Speaker 1:
[03:25] Oh, God, might be in show business in 20 years, seven years age now.
Speaker 2:
[03:32] Saving my face for them. Oh, wow. What a rowdy start we have.
Speaker 1:
[03:39] Whoa, going right at it.
Speaker 2:
[03:41] Comedy cavalcade. Your hair does look good. It's very fluffy.
Speaker 1:
[03:48] Yeah, I have a new person because it's closer by to where I live.
Speaker 2:
[03:53] It's sort of like a volcano shooting out like this.
Speaker 1:
[03:58] Well, it's 50s. It's 50s. It's Alpha. Never mind. I'll go back to the banks later in the podcast.
Speaker 2:
[04:06] You might have to Dana.
Speaker 1:
[04:07] Can you turn your mic down? No, I'm just a little amped up, bitch.
Speaker 2:
[04:11] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[04:11] Okay, hold on.
Speaker 2:
[04:12] Sorry, I have energy. Sorry, I care about the podcast.
Speaker 1:
[04:15] Yeah, sorry. I forgot to phone it in.
Speaker 2:
[04:18] Oh, I just got another one. It says Dana, can you turn your hair down?
Speaker 1:
[04:22] That I can't do.
Speaker 2:
[04:24] Okay, my sweater is green and everything looks black in this room, but this is green. Could you tell?
Speaker 1:
[04:30] Okay. I'm doing technical stuff. Give me a second. Talk literally.
Speaker 2:
[04:37] I'll vamp.
Speaker 1:
[04:38] Talk to yourself right now.
Speaker 2:
[04:39] I will. So I woke up and I said this.
Speaker 1:
[04:42] So Greg, it's out of five. Then on the bottom, I can put it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.
Speaker 2:
[04:53] I'll keep this stuff in because it makes us more human. Everyone thinks we're super geniuses.
Speaker 1:
[05:00] What's the difference between a genius and a super genius? I have five seconds.
Speaker 2:
[05:07] I'll tell you when you're in the super genius club.
Speaker 1:
[05:09] Can you find the base of an isosceles triangle? You have two seconds.
Speaker 2:
[05:16] I have to go find it somewhere.
Speaker 1:
[05:17] Well, I don't know. If you're a brainiac, you ought to be able to find the base of an isosceles triangle. See, the haircut and the glasses, it's a brand new me.
Speaker 2:
[05:26] It is. I think it feels like it's either an ode to Coachella or you are at Coachella.
Speaker 1:
[05:33] The idea of me, I'll do it with this guy. The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10,000 adolescent, drugged out kids, pee their pants and worship their God on the stage, who's only playing YouTube videos, is not my idea of fun. Did I get that right? See, I popped in there too.
Speaker 2:
[06:05] You know something.
Speaker 1:
[06:06] No, I love Coachella. I love crowds. I like to get into a big crowd of people.
Speaker 2:
[06:11] Yeah, you know, I like to pay $54 for a Tootsie Roll.
Speaker 1:
[06:15] Yeah, I love it to, it's out in the desert, Coachella. I mean, I like hiding behind a cactus because.
Speaker 2:
[06:24] I like pooping dirt clods for the next two weeks. It's nice if you like wind and sand.
Speaker 1:
[06:29] Yeah, I'm one of those people that, you know, an outhouse is a wonderful adventure, you know. It's just like, it's never really cleared out. It sort of adds on to itself and it's very exciting, actually.
Speaker 2:
[06:44] I always envy the people that do, OnlyFans have sex in the outhouse. I think there's probably better location scouting we can do.
Speaker 1:
[06:55] Is this OnlyFans? Like, only our fans or only anyone's fans?
Speaker 2:
[06:59] No, OnlyFans is just porn, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[07:01] I got it, because it could, you know.
Speaker 2:
[07:03] And the OnlyFans used to be like girls getting, like, cheeky or a little naked. Now it's like, if you're not doing full porn, get out. Get off the site. Get off.
Speaker 1:
[07:12] Yeah, you take your non-porn site.
Speaker 2:
[07:16] That's right.
Speaker 1:
[07:17] Get the hell out of here.
Speaker 2:
[07:19] Good daddle. Go. Go.
Speaker 1:
[07:22] Just leave.
Speaker 2:
[07:24] Oh, I also have something else to tell you. I like, and I'll go back to Coachella, is that I like things that I could just tell you on a phone call, but we'll use the podcast. Someone told me they were doing sets up near you. And I go, are there any sets to do up by where they? I didn't say you. I came and said the city, but I said up there and they go, oh yeah, there's a couple of rooms. I'm like, oh, Dana should go in there and do stand ups.
Speaker 1:
[07:48] What are these, college rooms?
Speaker 2:
[07:51] No, they're just little like clubs. They do a comedy night, but that'd be fun. You could go crush.
Speaker 1:
[07:55] Send me the info because I've got a lot of new material.
Speaker 2:
[07:59] I know you could go there. I saw Neil in last night.
Speaker 1:
[08:03] He's always in shape.
Speaker 2:
[08:04] He's always Neil was trying some stuff at the store. I went on after him.
Speaker 1:
[08:08] You don't try material at the store.
Speaker 2:
[08:09] I know we were discussing that when you're playing an auditorium theater on the road where people are paying a lot, it's almost easier to throw in a new joke in the middle of two that work, because you also want to try new stuff for them.
Speaker 1:
[08:22] Yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 2:
[08:23] But they're paying and they have babysitters. I don't want to give them any iffiness of a show. I want everything to work. Then at the comedy store, all these famous comics are standing around and you're like, I don't know. They're going to watch me go, this is the garbage you're selling these days? I'm like, it's new material night.
Speaker 1:
[08:42] Oh, come on. It's 500 people. It's 60 bucks a ticket. You've got the biggest status in show business around. I'm going to try out this junk about going to Sears Roebuck with my dad as a kid, five minutes of silence, and then you got to face full Bill Burr backstage. What the fuck was that? What the?
Speaker 2:
[09:03] You had a joke about pickles?
Speaker 1:
[09:04] What the fuck you doing out there playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes?
Speaker 2:
[09:09] Did I tell you one time I had the hiccups? I had the hiccups on stage after dinner, and I had to go on, I'm like, oh, shoot, and so I'm like, I was in the original room, smaller, and I'm like, anyway, I'm hiccuping like this, and it's funny for about a minute, and I can't really do my act because I can't really talk. It's so much. I was like, of course, wanted to go to the hospital because I'm such a pussy. But then I finally go, I finally go, I can't just do my act because it's not funny anymore. It's like, just talk, dude. I'm like. So I go, hey, who's next? I'm sorry. I'm just going to bring up the next person. This is ridiculous. And then they go, someone else. It's Bill Burr. I go, no, no, no, no, no. And I go, and then I hear, what? I got five more minutes. They go, no, Spade wants you up. I'm watching the hallway silent going. And then he comes, pokes his head and he goes, shut the fuck up. What's going on? And I go, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr, he comes up, he goes, in all my fucking years, this guy's got the hiccups? I gotta go on because the guy's got the hiccups? I was like, the worst guy to follow, to just sit there and rip me in the asshole.
Speaker 1:
[10:21] Yeah, he could do 20 minutes probably on hiccups. Who invented hiccups? What, you gotta have a fucking name for everything? It just means your throat's kind of spasming. You gotta go, we need a name. What's your last name? Hiccup? That's what I'm gonna call these fucking things. Good night!
Speaker 2:
[10:39] He's like, do men really get hiccups? I thought that was for chicks.
Speaker 1:
[10:45] Once in a while, because I had chronic bronchitis when I was doing 10 hours a week of stand up, I had a cough. So every time I coughed, I either shoot my leg out or just go... I'd let it spasm me. And that helped me.
Speaker 2:
[11:01] In your act, you did it?
Speaker 1:
[11:02] Yeah, every time I coughed, because I couldn't suppress the cough. So I'm going, well, isn't that special?
Speaker 2:
[11:08] I go, isn't that special? It's your go-to joke.
Speaker 1:
[11:10] Oh, well, hey, the lady in its day was considered pretty cool. You know those weeks where your schedule is just completely packed and somehow you still need a fully stocked fridge?
Speaker 2:
[11:25] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[11:26] That's where Instacart has really come through for me.
Speaker 2:
[11:29] Yeah, that's every week for me. You know, I've been using delivery through Instacart for my weekly grocery stock. What I like most is how much control I have over quality because you don't know this about me. I'm pretty particular. So whether it's specific brands, fresh produce or ingredients for meals I've already planned. I can be really specific when you're on the app. You know, you can message your shopper. If you want certain ripeness and avocados, you can really just get on them and say, swap that out. It all makes a big difference. Honestly, convenience is huge.
Speaker 1:
[12:04] That's right. That's right. It's amazing. Being able to order on my schedule and have everything arrive in as fast as, get this, 30 minutes saves me so much time and mental energy. It just takes one more thing off my plate. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your door. So you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like.
Speaker 3:
[12:30] Hi, my name is Lloyd Lockridge and I'm the host of a new podcast from Audacy called Family Lore. In this podcast, I'm going to have people on to tell unusual and sometimes far-fetched stories about their families.
Speaker 2:
[12:42] I've heard my whole life that she invented the margarita.
Speaker 3:
[12:44] Then we're going to investigate those stories and find out how much of it is true.
Speaker 2:
[12:48] He gets a patent one month before the Wright brothers. Oh my God.
Speaker 3:
[12:52] Please follow and listen to Family Lore, an Audacy podcast available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your shows.
Speaker 2:
[13:00] Let's talk for just a quick second about upgrading your energy game because caffeine doesn't have to be boring. Five hour energy shots are changing things up with tasty caffeine and 17 bold flavors. The one I keep coming back to is the birthday cake flavor. It literally tastes like I'd say a vanilla cake, buttery, confetti style notes. Celebration in a bottle. Some may get all that flavor with zero sugar, no cake, no guilt.
Speaker 1:
[13:38] So it's all cake, no guilt. On top of that.
Speaker 2:
[13:43] But you're not eating a real cake.
Speaker 1:
[13:46] You're not eating a real cake. It tastes like cake. On top of that, you're getting as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee without the sugar crash. And since it's just a two ounce shot, it's easy to take with you wherever the day goes. It's a big flavor packed into a tiny bottle, David, and it actually makes your energy boost something to look forward to. Fuel your day with tasty caffeine available in stores and online at fivehourenergy.com or Amazon.
Speaker 2:
[14:14] Yep. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with Five Hour Energy shots. Get yours in store and online at www.fivehourenergy.com or Amazon Today. By the way, I know you like sports. I don't know much about the WNBA, but they had a draft recently and I walked by the TV. The first three picks were women. I was like, okay, good luck. I don't know what they're doing over there. I'm all for our quality.
Speaker 1:
[14:42] I didn't get the joke. What do you mean?
Speaker 2:
[14:45] Well, whatever the WNBA is, they're picking women first.
Speaker 1:
[14:48] Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:
[14:50] Oh, it's the Women's National. Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:
[14:52] It's the Women's National Basketball Association.
Speaker 2:
[14:55] That makes more sense.
Speaker 1:
[14:56] Good, I saved it. Early onset dementia comes up in different forms.
Speaker 2:
[15:00] No, that was my bit.
Speaker 1:
[15:02] Oh, that was the bit.
Speaker 2:
[15:03] It's that I don't really know much about it, but why are they picking women?
Speaker 1:
[15:06] Oh, okay, I lost the setup. So maybe I have early onset. Yeah, I know. I like seeing girls...
Speaker 2:
[15:12] This is why I don't do it at the comedy store.
Speaker 1:
[15:15] You know what? Because this is a podcast, you can try out anything because everyone knows, clearly, we're not prepared intentionally.
Speaker 2:
[15:25] Clearly, it so far hasn't worked for you and Heather, but other than that, I think it's got a lot of promise.
Speaker 1:
[15:31] Which one?
Speaker 2:
[15:32] I'm over to my joke.
Speaker 1:
[15:33] Okay, well, all right. I don't know if I have...
Speaker 2:
[15:37] Let's go back to Coachella. I will say this. You heard Bieber played his laptop and played YouTube video of him. I think it was himself.
Speaker 1:
[15:48] Seeing it, and he just sat back and they all listened to it? Or what was it?
Speaker 2:
[15:53] Heather, they listened to Justin Bieber or he sang along with himself? Wait, ask the question again? No, he's saying at Coachella, Bieber had a laptop, he played YouTube, and then he would play himself, right?
Speaker 4:
[16:09] He played himself when he was younger though.
Speaker 2:
[16:10] Yeah, when he was younger. I think it's kind of cool. I kind of liked Bieber's lo-fi approach, but a lot of people didn't like it. But a lot of people did.
Speaker 1:
[16:18] Well, as a casual observer, I think when you deconstruct something and go that lo-fi, when it's like 100,000 people in the desert, it's kind of a next level move to make it into a 10-seater in the valley.
Speaker 2:
[16:34] Yeah, it's cool. You make people listen, they have to be quiet. They're like, it's either that or you have big satanic ritual. I like that he just kept it small.
Speaker 1:
[16:45] Anybody who's got, let's call them 300 tucked. Okay, if you have 300 tucked.
Speaker 2:
[16:50] Million.
Speaker 1:
[16:51] Yeah, and it's tucked. It's tight. It's after tax. It's the wall. It just informs your life. I've talked about this a lot. You've got the Cliff Notes and it just makes you more your authentic self, because he's not dancing for his donuts. He's not up there. Am I good? He's Justin fucking Bieber. And if you don't like it, you go fucking go to Palm Springs. I've got hell out of Coachella.
Speaker 2:
[17:16] I haven't performed in my boxers lately, but I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1:
[17:20] You need cowboy boots. You need boxers. You need a hoodie over the top where they can't see your face like a huge hoodie. And then you got to take the best bits of my act and see what if you can go to school.
Speaker 2:
[17:34] I go out in a jockstrap and a sailor hat, and I do my best.
Speaker 1:
[17:39] Your dress is a four-year-old schoolgirl with a lollipop, and you have big braids.
Speaker 2:
[17:44] And you paint his ass.
Speaker 1:
[17:48] Yeah, well, you know, I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of doing some stuff like that.
Speaker 2:
[17:53] Okay, I have another thing about Sabrina Carpenter that you didn't know.
Speaker 1:
[17:56] Oh, oh, oh, Sabby, I love her.
Speaker 2:
[17:59] You probably know her from when you did Biden. Did you see her out there?
Speaker 1:
[18:03] Yeah, I think she was on the show. You know, I went up and said, could I get an autograph? And she goes, no. I know I walked over and said, you know, my uncle was a carpenter. And she said she was very sweet, really nice. Then she asked if she could get a picture with me. I said, hey, you got any money?
Speaker 2:
[18:26] I was jealous because I saw her at the 50th. She was in the crowd and I whipped over to do my joke in the audience. Didn't even look. Couldn't care less. Didn't look at me. I walked by like this. I'm going to do a bit in about 25 seconds. She was like this. Anyway, she was at Coachella. And why is this a controversy? It's so nothing. Somebody, I take her side for being a performer. Someone is making noise and she stops playing, goes, what is that noise? And they go, I'm yodeling. And so someone's yodeling now. Yodeling. Yodeling can get loud. I don't know if you do it a lot, I don't know if you hear it a lot.
Speaker 1:
[19:07] I know all about yodeling.
Speaker 2:
[19:09] I know all about yodeling.
Speaker 1:
[19:10] I know all about. I was born in Yodel, Iowa. I was born in a town called Yodel. So but look, it's either supportive or it's disruptive.
Speaker 2:
[19:25] Well, I'm telling you, even if it's supportive, it's like I don't bring my supportive air horn to shows. Like if someone's going, you go, okay, and then they yelled, it's a cultural thing. She goes, well, I don't love it during my shows or something. Then they're like, she said I don't like it? Yes, she said. Yeah, she's. Yeah, which is fair. She's on the show, what's distracting you? Someone does it for attention. I'm sure it's part of their culture, but you know if you're making a lot of noise, there's a time and place. Then they go, is she going to get canceled? I'm like, let's quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck happens. Should we ruin her life for this?
Speaker 1:
[20:09] It's just making it so exciting. She could get canceled. I mean, when I was younger and naïve, I'd go to shows and I would bring up a typewriter, a really loud old-fashioned one, and I would just be doing that, and I couldn't believe that Stevie Wonder went, what's that?
Speaker 2:
[20:27] You go, you should know a lot of noises.
Speaker 1:
[20:30] Who's the yodeling woman who's a singer and she can yodel?
Speaker 2:
[20:35] Oh, Jewel.
Speaker 1:
[20:35] Jewel. Yeah. So maybe it was Jewel.
Speaker 2:
[20:38] She's got a great voice. I don't think it was Jewel, but something like that Jewel would not do that to her.
Speaker 1:
[20:45] No, no. Yeah. Jewelry is her twin sister. She's nasty. That's all I got, man. I told you I don't have a script.
Speaker 2:
[20:56] You do not.
Speaker 1:
[20:58] I do not. I'm sufficial. I'm official.
Speaker 2:
[21:01] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[21:04] Is that what you think is funny to just make up things that aren't funny at all? Do you find that funny?
Speaker 2:
[21:10] Is not funny, funny.
Speaker 1:
[21:12] Not funny, funny. Busboys, April, what? 21st?
Speaker 2:
[21:17] 17th.
Speaker 1:
[21:18] April 17th. Okay.
Speaker 2:
[21:19] I have a story for Piers.
Speaker 1:
[21:22] Okay. I'm here with David Spade and he's got a story for me. What do you have to say?
Speaker 2:
[21:27] I said, Piers, did you hear this story? It's a little rough on the edge. I can't tell it all, but it's the Ruby Rose, Katy Perry story.
Speaker 1:
[21:34] Well, I'd love to hear it.
Speaker 2:
[21:35] It's a little rough. I don't know if Dana can handle it. Katy Perry.
Speaker 1:
[21:40] Katy Perry, of course.
Speaker 2:
[21:41] Started by making a comment about Bieber's performance.
Speaker 1:
[21:45] Bieber, yes.
Speaker 2:
[21:46] And Ruby Rose is beautiful actress that is in whatever, but I know her face. She says, oh, something to the effect of who's listening to After You, S aid me 10 years ago, 20 years ago, which means. Assault. Right. Sexual Assault. We could say it.
Speaker 1:
[22:07] So sexual assault.
Speaker 2:
[22:09] Yeah. And she goes and it says, remember when I was trying to hide from you, I was hugging this other woman. I was down trying to hide when you walked in and you came over. And are you ready for this, Piers?
Speaker 1:
[22:21] I'm all ears.
Speaker 2:
[22:22] And I peered. Lean over, crouched over me, pulled your underpants to the side, and then pushed your pajayjay on my face. And I got up and projectile vomited. This is a fun story I read today in USA Today.
Speaker 1:
[22:40] So projectile bombing and underwear moving about. I mean, is this-
Speaker 2:
[22:43] Moving about, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[22:46] Underwear out of place with projectile bombing. Is that your idea of a fun story to start a podcast? Do you think people will like this?
Speaker 2:
[22:54] I know everyone just crashed into a tree. I almost did. I was like, I can't even hear this story, so I have to ruin someone else's day.
Speaker 1:
[22:59] Oh, someone's here who also listened to this story. I don't know if she'll comment or not, but.
Speaker 2:
[23:10] I like in full bug eyes mode. That was taken 30 years ago.
Speaker 1:
[23:21] She's ageless and energy of a gladiator. What else you have?
Speaker 2:
[23:30] That story is sickening. What else?
Speaker 1:
[23:32] That was great.
Speaker 2:
[23:33] Yeah, that's a real fun picture to paint.
Speaker 1:
[23:35] That was a good one.
Speaker 2:
[23:37] And then Coachella is done.
Speaker 1:
[23:39] Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2:
[23:41] Did my WNBA joke that killed. What else? Oh, let me see. Oh, this will be on on like 20th? 17th, 18th. So it's April 20th today.
Speaker 1:
[24:00] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[24:02] Look at Dana, like that meme with the woman with all the numbers of overhead.
Speaker 1:
[24:08] Yes, April 20th.
Speaker 2:
[24:10] Want to get in your calculator?
Speaker 1:
[24:12] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[24:13] So what else did you do this weekend that is of note and very important to talk about?
Speaker 1:
[24:21] Fed the horses.
Speaker 2:
[24:23] Okay. That's up there. I don't know if it's at the top, but it's up there.
Speaker 1:
[24:26] I watched the Masters.
Speaker 2:
[24:31] Oh, right.
Speaker 1:
[24:32] Yeah. With Rory McElroy.
Speaker 2:
[24:36] Do you know what the difference between a hooker and a rooster is?
Speaker 1:
[24:41] Hooker and a rooster? No.
Speaker 2:
[24:45] A rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo and a hooker says any cock-a-doodle-doo. We're going to go to a commercial. Beedle-dee-bee-bee.
Speaker 1:
[24:56] What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Rory McElroy?
Speaker 2:
[25:00] Go ahead.
Speaker 1:
[25:01] One won the Masters, the one's in rehab in Switzerland.
Speaker 2:
[25:05] Is he in Switzerland? He gets to go to a good one?
Speaker 1:
[25:08] Of course! Of course! Wouldn't you want to go to Switzerland?
Speaker 2:
[25:12] I mean, my God.
Speaker 1:
[25:14] Yeah, I mean, I'm neutral around the whole idea.
Speaker 2:
[25:16] Do you think that's performative?
Speaker 1:
[25:19] No.
Speaker 2:
[25:21] He does feel like I should go to a good one.
Speaker 1:
[25:22] I think Switzerland, it's a little quieter. He's in the mountains. He probably, they let him go up to the mountains and sing. The hills are alive with the sound of music.
Speaker 2:
[25:32] I mean, it's cool.
Speaker 1:
[25:34] Can you sing it?
Speaker 2:
[25:36] I wonder if he knows I mentioned him on Howard Stern. No, Howard mentioned him.
Speaker 1:
[25:41] I root for Tiger Woods. That's all I'm going to say. I root for Tiger Woods.
Speaker 2:
[25:45] Tiger's a really, really, really good friend of mine and you're a business acquaintance of mine.
Speaker 1:
[25:51] I guess I'm an actual fan of Tiger Woods and you were like, I guess he's a good golfer. What?
Speaker 2:
[25:57] I go, who is he? He's famous? OK, I'll do it.
Speaker 1:
[26:02] Well, the other guy, the guy who got no attention in the 90s, young golfer, great golfer called Rooster Branch. And Rooster Branch was as good as Tiger Woods.
Speaker 2:
[26:15] Is that a real one?
Speaker 1:
[26:16] Yeah, Rooster Branch. He always went under par.
Speaker 2:
[26:19] No, no, it's the play of his name.
Speaker 1:
[26:20] Tiger Woods. Branch substitutes for Woods. I don't know how I go Tiger to Rooster. It's two animals. It'd be more like leopard lumber.
Speaker 2:
[26:32] It almost took me back to the disgusting joke you said about the hooker and the rooster.
Speaker 1:
[26:40] You've been dancing between PG-13 and R.
Speaker 2:
[26:44] I'm making it rough. That Katy Perry story is rough. She's probably backpedaling all the way back to Mars.
Speaker 1:
[26:50] She also... Go ahead. What about Baldini? Lauren left a message for me.
Speaker 2:
[27:00] Oh, Lauren Michaels.
Speaker 1:
[27:03] Baldini's lawyer, they threw out 10 of the 13 charges. I think that Lively and Reynolds have a really strong play in their back pocket. Otherwise, why would they go to trial? That's great, Lauren. When's your movie come out? We're going opposite bus, boys, so I'm feeling really, really good about it.
Speaker 2:
[27:25] Oh my gosh. I want to give a plug to Roommates. I was going to go to that premiere last night, which is Sadie Sandler's movie on Netflix.
Speaker 1:
[27:37] Great.
Speaker 2:
[27:39] A good old school college comedy. She moves in with a roommate and you get just pushed together, and I think there's friction. I'm not going to give everything away, but it's a good comedy. We had Animal House, we had a lot of those. We did PCU in the old days.
Speaker 1:
[27:59] Did you ever live in a dorm and have a randomly assigned roommate?
Speaker 2:
[28:08] Heather did, Heather raised her hand.
Speaker 1:
[28:11] I have a story.
Speaker 2:
[28:12] Oh, go ahead. You can tell yourself.
Speaker 1:
[28:14] It's not that exotic, but it is weird. You get in the room, there's two twin beds. I set up my stuff on one side and wait for the roommate. Guy comes in, hey, I'm Paul. What's up? Okay. This is a tiny room. It's like, okay, time to go to sleep. I get in my single bed, he's over there and then we're just chatting a little bit. The lights are out. At the end, he goes, so what do you say you do again? I guess I was muffled in the pillow. I said, I'm a comedian. Okay. Then we slept. Later on the next day, he said, so how long have you been a communist? He thought comedian, muffled, he thought I said communist somehow. Isn't that fascinating? Should we take a break? We should take a break right now.
Speaker 2:
[28:58] Well, people laugh.
Speaker 1:
[28:59] Nothing can follow that.
Speaker 2:
[29:01] I went into my dorm at the SAE house and two twin beds.
Speaker 1:
[29:08] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[29:09] No, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we fucking this one and sleep in this one or what should we do? Oh, he laughed. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:
[29:22] My first roommate said, he stood up, there was blood trickling down the front and he had a machete and a knife and he goes, pick your poison.
Speaker 2:
[29:30] Oh no. And I'll kill you either way.
Speaker 1:
[29:33] So I called the dorm monitor and go, this is, I don't know if this is going to work out.
Speaker 2:
[29:37] This is Dana in 5G.
Speaker 1:
[29:40] It was for Ducci Hall and it was boy girl, 15 floors, do the math.
Speaker 2:
[29:46] Dude, Manzanita was right next to mine. And I think I told you this, I got a little, I got a little juiced. I had a few knocks at the SAE party. I walked this girl home. She goes, I said, I can drive you. Meanwhile, it's 200 yards. Meanwhile, I just want to show her I have a car. It's a horrible old Volvo, big stick shift. So she's like, sure. I drive 100 feet out of the 200. I get pulled over. I don't need the dance mix. So I pull over. She's standing there. She was on the ASU calendar and I had no heat. This is just pure luck. I'm just driving her home. Just driving home 200 yards.
Speaker 1:
[30:35] So what is the problem?
Speaker 2:
[30:37] Problem is, you could drive drunk back then. I think it was one of the last years. I was drunk, but I get out.
Speaker 1:
[30:44] But you're going 200 yards, okay.
Speaker 2:
[30:46] I'm going to, I'm just basically in neutral role.
Speaker 1:
[30:48] You're lightly buzzed.
Speaker 2:
[30:51] I've had a few snorts. Anyway, the cop throws me in handcuffs and I'm like this, I'll be over soon. I just have to deal with this. She's like, later. This guy ruins it so bad, takes me to jail. He goes, you have a warrant. It's like on those TikTok videos. I go, you can't do this. I don't say that. I'm not smart enough. He just goes, you're going to jail. I go, for what? He goes, you have a warrant. I go, I don't even ask what it's for. I just go, oh no. Then I get to jail and I'm like this and I go, what's my warrant for? What did I do? I don't do anything wrong. I'm perfect. He goes, you have three unpaid speeding tickets. He shows them to me and it's my brother Andy signed them. My brother had a warrant, so he said he was me. Then he just said, I don't know my ID, but this is my name and birthday. Then those built up, threw me in the clank. Mike Sterner, this comedian that I did Open Mikes with, came down and got me out for 200 bucks. So I stayed the night. I'm a hardcore dude. I don't think you get it.
Speaker 1:
[31:58] That was a good story. That was a really good twist. Well, my friend and I, in front of Varducci Hall, we had a Volkswagen Bug, so we were just drinking beer and driving. Not a lot of beer, but we get out in this pretend campus policemen, like, you guys are in trouble. First, we were like, okay, so we went to the dorm, the desk, and then I said, who's your supervisor? That'd be Buzzing Around. I go, I'm going to call them. So I call this door, I go, we're getting harassed here by, what is it? Dave. So we got off. But we weren't driving drunk. We just had a couple of beers.
Speaker 2:
[32:33] I know, that's what they all say.
Speaker 1:
[32:34] Don't do as we do. What does we say? You know what I mean? But your story is interesting. I hope Andy apologized.
Speaker 2:
[32:44] Not really, but yeah.
Speaker 1:
[32:46] That tricky little-
Speaker 2:
[32:47] Andy could not care less, I will say that. I can safely say that.
Speaker 1:
[32:51] Yes. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[32:53] But he's cool. I talked to him two days ago.
Speaker 1:
[32:58] No, he was a young man too.
Speaker 2:
[33:00] He was the stud of the school. Actually, he got me some heat there at the school because everyone liked him. So they were like, who are you? If you're anyway related to him, you're cool.
Speaker 1:
[33:08] God, I wish I went to the school.
Speaker 2:
[33:09] That's a good deal. But they kissed my ass when I was in a pledge. In the second I was active, they're like, get down, give me 20, take this toothbrush, wash out the shit. I'm like, wait, I'm the guy you were just kissing his ass. Two minutes ago. I'm like, yeah, now you're in. We tricked you. Now you're a pledge and you're a scrub, and we're going to put paprika in your hair and tell you what to do all night and make you drink. I'm like, huh?
Speaker 1:
[33:44] Was that a positive thing they're saying to you at the moment or a negative?
Speaker 2:
[33:47] Negative.
Speaker 1:
[33:48] It's negative. Why did you sign up for Phi Delta? Didn't you see Animal House with John Belushi?
Speaker 2:
[33:54] I know, but they just trick you because they say that you're the greatest guy in the world. Then they go, for starters, you're not the greatest guy in the world, I'm like, huh? I was so bamboozled, man.
Speaker 1:
[34:05] So you've changed a lot since you were 19, because anytime someone would talk to you, you just go, huh?
Speaker 2:
[34:12] I know. I was so young and innocent and trusting.
Speaker 1:
[34:16] Where did you get this snappy comedian from? Where you were just like, what?
Speaker 2:
[34:19] Snappy guy.
Speaker 1:
[34:21] This is you going to JuniorCon.
Speaker 2:
[34:23] Just from hiding, stuffing feelings down. Oh, Dana. Let's do some news stories, and we'll really get on this unless you have more riveting. You have anything to say?
Speaker 1:
[34:31] Not at all. I just think it's interesting that Bernie Sanders is the kingmaker of the Democratic Party.
Speaker 2:
[34:40] Does he decide who's going to run?
Speaker 1:
[34:42] He got Mamdini in and other people. He's his best friend.
Speaker 2:
[34:46] Go ahead. Is he going to talk?
Speaker 1:
[34:49] I guess he should talk.
Speaker 2:
[34:52] But the premise is funny.
Speaker 1:
[34:53] I don't have the fucking puppet near me.
Speaker 2:
[34:55] Where the fuck is he? Even the puppet's asleep.
Speaker 1:
[34:58] The millionaire. The puppet's 84 years old. It's made of cardboard from 1921. Yeah. The millionaires and the billionaires. The billionaires. I'm Bernie Sanders. I don't have a bit, I guess. I don't know. How about this? There's another straight. You know, the straight of Hormuz. Now there's another straight, but it puts straight at the end. It's called Baba Al-Mandeb Straight, and it's off the Red Sea, and its nickname is the Gate of Tears.
Speaker 2:
[35:30] Yeah, I've been there.
Speaker 1:
[35:31] So later on when we do our buzzing around, I'm going to do a little thing about that.
Speaker 2:
[35:36] We can do it right now.
Speaker 1:
[35:37] Do what?
Speaker 2:
[35:39] Yeah, I went here. I had an Airbnb at the Gate of Tears one time. It's not exciting. You just watch oil tankers go by.
Speaker 1:
[35:47] The Gate of Tears. Now, you.
Speaker 2:
[35:52] Who is buzzing around? Oh no. Where's the segment? I got to introduce it.
Speaker 1:
[35:55] You got to introduce the segment. Damn.
Speaker 2:
[35:58] Scramble, scramble. You got to be on your own for one second. No, not on my own once, not for one second. Okay. So I was recently poking around for ideas for this podcast. Really? And like how to make it feel more real, how to make Dana funnier. You know, real stuff, tangible business. I found myself browsing Vistaprint, just seeing what was possible and honestly, it kind of sparked something because I'm scrolling through branded hoodies, stickers, custom packaging. And then I'm thinking like, wait, we could actually have merch that listeners would like to see, they'd love to have, or any sort of signage for a live event. And that's what I like about this Vistaprint. It takes something that's just an idea in your head and then it makes you feel doable.
Speaker 1:
[36:47] That's right. Whether it's designing something from scratch or tweaking what you already have, they've got tools and real human support to help you get it right. And as a small business, because that's what this podcast is, having that kind of support matters.
Speaker 2:
[37:05] It really got me thinking of how we can show up more polished, if possible, more intentional, actually grow this thing. It's grown so big though, but it could be even bigger. Vistaprint, print your possible. Right now, new customers get 20% off with code NEW20 at vistaprint.com. Finding a skilled hire takes more than just reviewing a resume. As AI raises the bar on how experience is presented, hiring managers need better ways to evaluate skills and fit. And that's where Robert Half can help.
Speaker 1:
[37:38] That's right. Our recruiters combine their expertise with award-winning AI to review what's behind every application quickly.
Speaker 2:
[37:46] Learn how we can find you specialized talent and finance, accounting, technology and more at Robert Half. We know talent. Visit roberthalf.com/talenttoday. Imagine having a free day out in the town, sitting down for a nice lunch, relaxing. Then you get an alert, the window at your home has been broken while you're miles away. It's that kind of thing that can turn your good day upside down. Obviously, that's where ADT comes in. ADT security systems are built for situations like this. They got 24-7 monitoring to help keep your home safer, whether you're there or not. No one wants to feel unsafe at home. And with ADT, you won't.
Speaker 1:
[38:25] That's right. Their systems are professionally installed by trained technicians, so protection starts from day one. ADT also has the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry. And the ADT app lets you keep tabs on your home from virtually anywhere. Don't wait to prepare your home for an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit adt.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP.
Speaker 2:
[38:55] Okay, guess what?
Speaker 1:
[38:57] Uh-oh, it's that time again.
Speaker 2:
[39:01] It's time for Buzzing Around, sponsored by 5-Hour Energy. For the wide variety of bold flavors to choose from, you get as much caffeine as a 12-ounce premium cup of coffee. But zero sugar, zero sugar crash. Find 5-Hour Energy shots online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. So, I'm going to give Dana.
Speaker 1:
[39:24] Okay. Well, I have a...
Speaker 2:
[39:25] I'm going to let Dana on his own. We talked about it. And he's going to come up with a scenario. And we're going to laugh.
Speaker 1:
[39:32] I had so much fun doing Hans or Hans and Franz last week. So, this week, they're at a congressional hearing with Senator John Kennedy because they believe they have the capacity because over time, all these closing of different Straits in the Middle East will tax our Navy. But they claim, they will claim, they will say something about that.
Speaker 2:
[39:56] Okay.
Speaker 1:
[39:56] Now, with or without?
Speaker 2:
[40:00] You can do with it. Now, you can be there if you want.
Speaker 1:
[40:09] Now, Hans and Franz, you're here with our committee. I get that right. You have something to say?
Speaker 2:
[40:15] Are those your real names?
Speaker 1:
[40:17] Yeah. I'm here to say something to you. I think you're going to want to hear it. Well, I'm all ears. Did I fall off a tomato truck? You claim, you are claiming that you are personally able without any kind of ship or craft to close up the Strait of Hormuz. Did I get that right? He doesn't have glasses on.
Speaker 2:
[40:49] Yeah, the glasses.
Speaker 1:
[40:50] Yeah. Yeah, we could very easily close the Strait of Hormuz. Just how in the Lord's name do you propose to close the Strait of Hormuz? Yeah, listen to us. Hear us now and listen to us later very carefully. Carefully. What we would do is this. This is our process. First, we're on land and we do a thousand squats. The buttocks get so pumped up. Our buttocks become huge, like giant fleshy boulders. And then Hans and Franz, what we do, he's Franz and Hans. What we do is with our giant, pumped up, blood and gorge buttocks the size of giant boulders. We're kind of like King Neptune. We sit down in the Strait of Hormuz and displace the water and no ships could get past us.
Speaker 2:
[41:55] Oh my God, this is an outlandish plan.
Speaker 1:
[41:58] Yeah, did I, did someone draw stupid on my forehead? You're proposing you would do 10,000 squats, muscularize, and weaponize your buttocks, sit down in the ocean or the Strait of Hormuz and relieve the United States Navy of the burden of stopping that, clogging up that strait. Yeah, you're smarter than you look. Sorry.
Speaker 2:
[42:25] Your buttocks is the size of Texas.
Speaker 1:
[42:27] We already told Piers Morgan, he believed us. So, your claim is that you can make your buttocks so large, you can block the Strait of Hormuz. Did I get that right? Yeah, yes, Piers Morgan. Are you joking with me? You can't be serious that your buttocks could grow to that size simply by doing squats. You should try doing squats yourself. The problem with you and Senator John Kennedy is your buttocks are shriveled and tiny.
Speaker 2:
[43:00] Oh, my God. Shots fired.
Speaker 1:
[43:02] And deflated and you can't process a muscular buttock.
Speaker 2:
[43:09] You can't even process thinking about it?
Speaker 1:
[43:15] Now, here we are. We don't believe a word out of your mouth. I think it's pat Lipsud, but you're suggesting that your buttocks could get pumped up. Perhaps they could get as large as a cantaloupe or something like that. It's it's it is patently absurd. Rat Pierce. Yeah, I think it's really offensive. Your buttocks could never get that large. Wait a minute. Turn on the TV. See what I'm TV now. And the homo straights on my god.
Speaker 2:
[43:49] He showed that they showed them.
Speaker 1:
[43:52] I'm going to slowly go down because I don't know how to stop this.
Speaker 2:
[43:56] That's a good ending. And whoa, that was a solid Buzzing Around, sponsored by Five Hour Energy's Tasty Caffeine Flavors. As Dana rests his voice, enjoy big flavor in a tiny bottle. Five Hour Energy shots pack the flavors of the season portable. Two ounce shot. Five Hour Energy shots online at fivehourenergy.com or Amazon Today. Do I know how to read?
Speaker 1:
[44:24] Could I? Geez, I know this is that. Yeah, I don't know if something happened. I think you're still-
Speaker 2:
[44:28] I like that scenario, by the way.
Speaker 1:
[44:29] You're recovering from the abstraction that they could pump their buttocks up so large, they could clog an ocean straight.
Speaker 2:
[44:39] I think it's because of the boosters.
Speaker 1:
[44:42] Yeah, that's just what the buttocks, what if we get our calves popped up too?
Speaker 2:
[44:47] Oh my God, that scenario was- I like that you came up with that seemingly fictitious scenario.
Speaker 1:
[44:53] Seemingly fictitious, I did- I mean, don't be afraid to buzz around. It's brought to you by whatever. I don't know. I'm recovering. Let's do some stories. Here we are, 38 minutes.
Speaker 2:
[45:11] Let's see if anything is worth talking about.
Speaker 1:
[45:12] Let's do it. Okay.
Speaker 2:
[45:16] Oh, this is- you ever go skiing?
Speaker 1:
[45:19] Not really, but tobogganing.
Speaker 2:
[45:21] This is how scary it is to ski on a top of a mountain. Every time this guy goes one inch closer, I go, never. Nope.
Speaker 1:
[45:29] Nope.
Speaker 2:
[45:29] Could not do it.
Speaker 1:
[45:31] Not fun.
Speaker 2:
[45:32] Let's see.
Speaker 1:
[45:32] Let's see. Check it out.
Speaker 2:
[45:34] By the way, don't ever tell me to wait for it on a video. I'll decide that part. So right there, I'd be like, you can still get out.
Speaker 1:
[45:41] No. Get out. Get out.
Speaker 2:
[45:42] Get out.
Speaker 1:
[45:43] Nope. Nope. Bail.
Speaker 2:
[45:44] Deciding which cliff you're going to ski down because you're so good.
Speaker 1:
[45:49] Is it easy for them? I mean...
Speaker 2:
[45:51] It's easy for these guys.
Speaker 1:
[45:53] No.
Speaker 2:
[45:54] I got a bad feeling about this. I know the sound of the skis are slot. Which way? Don't go left. That's harder.
Speaker 1:
[45:58] Okay. Go where there's just snow and not rocks. Maybe that's a hot take, but...
Speaker 2:
[46:03] Right. Just go very, very careful. Okay. He's deciding.
Speaker 1:
[46:08] Oh, he's just walking. I knew I could do this.
Speaker 2:
[46:11] Now, he's going to give... Okay. Now, here we go. Whoops. He caught a fucking rock. Oh, boy.
Speaker 1:
[46:18] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[46:19] You're not falling. You are not falling in the snow, this whole...
Speaker 1:
[46:25] Wow.
Speaker 2:
[46:26] Well, that's straight down. That's like a slide.
Speaker 1:
[46:32] That's an awesome video. I assume he's okay.
Speaker 2:
[46:35] He's fine, man.
Speaker 1:
[46:37] I just can't believe that you got this footage of yourself.
Speaker 2:
[46:43] That's me screaming. I looped in how I screamed.
Speaker 1:
[46:45] No, I thought it was... Isn't that you? Didn't you say you were going to Tahoe?
Speaker 2:
[46:50] That's me approaching the bunny hill. Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:
[46:55] Wow. That was a very interesting video. I don't think I would personally have screamed. I would have been saying, come on, yeah, more. Let's do this. Come on.
Speaker 2:
[47:07] I would have been going, whee, because it's basically a slide at that point. He's just going...
Speaker 1:
[47:12] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[47:12] But if you have any chance of catching a rock like that on your ski, if you're not perfectly, unbelievably good, I always see the guy, you never see them fall. It's always like, deesh, deesh, deesh. And the guy's like, like immediately falls.
Speaker 1:
[47:29] I know. I guess, I mean, I don't know if I read this properly, but his nickname was Catch Rock. His friends called him Catch Rock because he always, is David all-
Speaker 2:
[47:38] Can he catch rock?
Speaker 1:
[47:39] Yeah, he's always, he always would catch a rock. And, you know, you got to stay on the snow and not have the ski go toward a rock jutting.
Speaker 2:
[47:52] You know what happens, you go like this and you catch one little thing and it pulls it that way. And then your weight goes over here. And then you're like, Guten Nacht, German. And then a good, good, good, good, skis, fly, yard sale.
Speaker 1:
[48:09] Get a toboggan, obviously, that's not that guy's sport. Get a toboggan, carry it up the bunny hill and then get the toboggan and go, woo, and have a party. But that's, that's not.
Speaker 2:
[48:23] Okay, next one.
Speaker 1:
[48:24] Next one.
Speaker 2:
[48:25] We all learned a valuable lesson.
Speaker 1:
[48:26] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[48:26] Did we?
Speaker 1:
[48:27] Did we? He did.
Speaker 2:
[48:30] Okay. This is a robot. Let's see what it is. Yeah, maybe. This would scare me. Oh, that's is that a girl or a robot? I bet a girl could do that. Terrifying.
Speaker 1:
[48:51] It's a robot.
Speaker 2:
[48:51] So it is a robot. My brother Brian would do that. He would love this. It does look kind of real. What if that was like trick or treat and then they did that?
Speaker 1:
[49:02] Well, that's why you just want to make a horror film with an iPhone and you have that toy.
Speaker 2:
[49:07] Dude, that would sell it.
Speaker 1:
[49:08] You just put sound underneath it. It's fantastic. I also like the laugh of the guy, how much joy he got. He bought it on Amazon and pressed play.
Speaker 2:
[49:20] And it worked. And you know what? You're right. You could make, you could sell a movie from a trailer if you just do that scary, put some noise behind some eerie music and then she drops down.
Speaker 1:
[49:30] Yeah. And just go.
Speaker 2:
[49:33] It could be the next Megan movie.
Speaker 1:
[49:34] Witchcraft. Let me ask you a question. So that figure is there. You're at your house at night. You see it in the doorway. What is the scariest way it could walk to you if it wasn't that? Because that's right up there is the scariest. What else? It's in the doorway.
Speaker 2:
[49:50] I think bending over backwards and walking.
Speaker 1:
[49:54] With a...
Speaker 2:
[49:56] Like broken bones that go backwards.
Speaker 1:
[49:58] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[49:59] Hair and face, oily hair. It's never like in barrettes or anything. It's just hanging down.
Speaker 1:
[50:05] I don't know why it really scared me. It was at night and it just crossed over its feet and just went like that. Coming right at you. That would terrify me.
Speaker 2:
[50:16] Well, if they're snapping, I wouldn't... I'd like it.
Speaker 1:
[50:20] Well, one foot goes over the other.
Speaker 2:
[50:24] Maybe if they turned their skin inside out, I wouldn't like it.
Speaker 1:
[50:28] Yeah. Or if they went like this and went...
Speaker 2:
[50:32] Oh, yuck.
Speaker 1:
[50:33] Yeah. And it was you.
Speaker 2:
[50:36] And it was...
Speaker 1:
[50:37] It was you.
Speaker 2:
[50:37] I would be so scared.
Speaker 1:
[50:39] Hey, buddy.
Speaker 2:
[50:41] That's like the third Mission Impossible, they do that. Hey, buddy. That's what the scary guy says.
Speaker 1:
[50:48] That's you as the scary guy.
Speaker 2:
[50:51] Okay, next one.
Speaker 1:
[50:52] We can always do another Buzzing Around.
Speaker 2:
[50:54] No, no, no. I have no idea. What does that say? Can you read it? If... Is it warm enough for scorpion season in Arizona yet? I'm from Arizona and I've seen so many scorpions.
Speaker 1:
[51:14] Oh, Tiny Tim.
Speaker 2:
[51:16] Are those all scorpions?
Speaker 1:
[51:18] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[51:19] Sickening. Heather, were you crawling there for $100?
Speaker 1:
[51:21] Whoa. Cancel my trip to Arizona.
Speaker 2:
[51:25] That's the guy flying out. I didn't even get that.
Speaker 1:
[51:29] By the way, this is just a story without a picture, but the reboot of Malkin in the Middle, they're having a non-binary character.
Speaker 2:
[51:40] Oh, and the new one. We interviewed Brian Cranston.
Speaker 1:
[51:43] Yeah. Did you talk about that?
Speaker 2:
[51:46] No, but I know that one kid that played little Joe Dirt in the movie is not doing it. I think he's going to Harvard now. They said, Brian told us this. That he's not going to the reboot, he's the only one. So maybe they were replacing that character with a new character.
Speaker 1:
[52:02] But they're doing certain things on apocalypse now if you order it online and stuff, that Brando's character is not Colonel Kurtz, it's now they them.
Speaker 2:
[52:13] Is that the same? They updated it?
Speaker 1:
[52:16] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[52:17] Okay. Well, that's a big tweak.
Speaker 1:
[52:19] My name is they them. I know. I was shocked. They would do that for something.
Speaker 2:
[52:22] My name is they, them?
Speaker 1:
[52:24] Yeah. Colonel Kurtz.
Speaker 2:
[52:27] They re-dubbed it too?
Speaker 1:
[52:28] My name is, yeah, they just dubbed it and I guess it's blowing up.
Speaker 2:
[52:34] Do you remember when he drops the orange in The Godfather at the end?
Speaker 1:
[52:39] Oh, at the end, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[52:41] He's like in the kids playing with him.
Speaker 1:
[52:44] Oh, he's got the funny teeth in and the kid starts crying and then he does this ballet fall off the age room.
Speaker 2:
[52:53] Coppola had no idea what he was going to do. He's like, just somehow croak and he's like, I got some ideas.
Speaker 1:
[53:02] I'd say at least twice a year, my wife and I watch Godfather 1 and 2.
Speaker 2:
[53:07] Those are pretty good. Remember when I sent you that video, which is kind of cool. I see them now all the time now they pop up. It just starts right at the Academy Awards, random year.
Speaker 1:
[53:23] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[53:24] Someone like Terry Gahr and Gene Hackman going, and now best supporting actress. They read them all and they're all unbelievable movies with great performances. I'm like, wow, wow. Then the next year, the next one clicked down. It was like best actor two years later and Donald Sutherland. It's so cool to see what they look like, the movies they were in, how great, how much I was in the movies then. All the President's Men was in there, Godfather, all these cool movies, Sybil, not Sybil, but.
Speaker 1:
[53:57] Alien was in there.
Speaker 2:
[53:59] There's a lot of different. Jessica Lange and Tootsie. I was watching going, who's going to win? Supporting. And it was Terry Gar and Tootsie was one of them. I go, it's got to be Terry Gar. She was so tragic. And then Jessica Lange was supporting. She was like the star. And she won. She was so unreal and so hot.
Speaker 1:
[54:21] That is a great, what they call a screwball comedy. To pull that off the way they did was amazing. Anyway, let's have Dustin Hoffman on. Not at all. Jaws. I like all these. I mean, I love movies. I'm always looking for a great movie. I'm looking for another Master and Commander. I'm looking for another Out of Africa.
Speaker 2:
[54:42] In the skies.
Speaker 1:
[54:43] Just these big, cool historical epics or looking for another butch cast.
Speaker 2:
[54:48] Are you looking forward to Nolan's movie? What's it called?
Speaker 1:
[54:54] Christopher Nolan. I'm always going to see a movie of his. What's unique about him is Tarantino is brilliant, but he does stay in a certain lane that he's great. Nolan does Spaceship. Now he's doing Ulysses, I guess.
Speaker 2:
[55:09] Yeah, is that what it is?
Speaker 1:
[55:10] I think Matt Damon's going to have sandals and a beard. But it's Christopher Nolan, so you have to go see it. He's right up there.
Speaker 2:
[55:17] I agree. Okay, next.
Speaker 1:
[55:19] Audacy, what did I say, Greg?
Speaker 2:
[55:22] You said Ulysses.
Speaker 1:
[55:24] Oh, Ulysses. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. Here we go.
Speaker 2:
[55:29] Ro builds and tests a homemade laser.
Speaker 4:
[55:34] My camera is only weakly sensitive to this laser's wavelength, yet it still managed to unveil the actual beast at hand.
Speaker 2:
[55:40] Unveil.
Speaker 4:
[55:41] Even without careful focusing, the laser can easily set fire to my fence about 70 meters in the distance.
Speaker 1:
[55:47] Really?
Speaker 4:
[55:48] After the fog lifted, I switched back to filming invisible light doing it on the camera, which means the laser is back to being invisible the way it is in real life.
Speaker 2:
[55:57] Look at that. How easy to start.
Speaker 4:
[55:58] I'm not gonna lie. This feels like the kind of thing that they make new laws about. That's funny.
Speaker 1:
[56:03] I'm so glad he's not lying. He's not a liar.
Speaker 4:
[56:06] You believe me. Every day the urge is there to light that thing on fire. However, it wouldn't exactly be very responsible of me. Someone light this thing on fire instead.
Speaker 2:
[56:17] Look at that because honestly when you look at Maui in these places, you get turned off.
Speaker 4:
[56:25] It's like an invisible laser. I decided to give it another try.
Speaker 1:
[56:34] Do we have invisible lasers? Stop. He's having too much fun. Does the United States military have invisible lasers from?
Speaker 2:
[56:43] I'm sure. That's what I'm saying is like, if there's these fires that start and you go, I don't know how. I don't know how it started. Was there an arson? It's like you could pop that from a mile away, miles away.
Speaker 1:
[56:58] I think we need more perimeter security. People are building bunkers more. They're not building little wonder bread houses or little cabinet house. They're building concrete bunkers in LA.
Speaker 2:
[57:15] I'm going to laser proof my trees in my houses.
Speaker 1:
[57:17] I will laser proof your head in, in a minute.
Speaker 2:
[57:22] That's what a bully says.
Speaker 1:
[57:24] That's what my dad would say. Oh, yeah. Laser proof your head in in a minute.
Speaker 2:
[57:29] No, he'd say, you better fist proof your face. You're like, oh, we sort of switched it all around.
Speaker 1:
[57:34] Or he'd say, not shaving for a week. Time for the whiskers. Isn't it fun?
Speaker 2:
[57:40] Oh, and he'd grind them on you or something?
Speaker 1:
[57:42] Yeah, I'd get on top and he'd just... But enough about the fun times.
Speaker 2:
[57:48] Yeah. All right, one more.
Speaker 1:
[57:49] One more. Well, I got it.
Speaker 2:
[57:51] We got a million things going.
Speaker 1:
[57:53] Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
Speaker 2:
[57:56] Okay, good spin on the hammer. I'll give him that.
Speaker 1:
[57:59] Okay. Fascinating.
Speaker 2:
[58:03] You can do this on your farm, man.
Speaker 1:
[58:05] Oh, yeah. I did this morning. Okay, three nails in a row. Then he's going to...
Speaker 2:
[58:14] Whoa.
Speaker 1:
[58:16] Okay. No wonder you had a weird haircut.
Speaker 2:
[58:19] Yeah, I don't love it.
Speaker 1:
[58:20] Yeah, look.
Speaker 2:
[58:21] That's hard to do with the hammer.
Speaker 1:
[58:24] Yeah. He's going to slam them all down.
Speaker 2:
[58:28] I mean, he better.
Speaker 1:
[58:29] Or pull them out.
Speaker 3:
[58:31] Oh.
Speaker 2:
[58:36] Is that it? Oh, he got the middle one. I guess that is really hard.
Speaker 1:
[58:41] That guy should be in a kung fu movie. Okay, let's just throw a commercial for nails because he's doing the jacket and all the sound and stuff, you know.
Speaker 2:
[58:48] His goofy hair.
Speaker 1:
[58:49] I can do kind of the same with my puppets.
Speaker 2:
[58:53] Don't. Why are you doing me like that?
Speaker 1:
[58:59] I like that. You know, by the way, that was actually a funny thing to say. I'm going back down to the pile of cardboard people.
Speaker 2:
[59:07] Let them go down easily.
Speaker 1:
[59:08] Gently.
Speaker 2:
[59:11] All right. Well, I'm going to let you go, Danny. You got your hair. You better go show it around town.
Speaker 1:
[59:15] I'm going to puff it up a little more. I got a little thing in the back comes around.
Speaker 2:
[59:21] That's a good puff noise.
Speaker 1:
[59:28] You were amazing today.
Speaker 2:
[59:30] You were amazing, Dana. You got through my R rated stories. Don't put them right on the mic. People get mad. Oh, really? I went through the comments. People tell me Spade enough of your jokes that are too loud. I like it. People laughed today. There were a lot of laughs.
Speaker 1:
[59:51] There's a lot of laughs. You know, I think Hans and Franz doing a 10,000 squats and enlarging their butt. I enjoyed that.
Speaker 2:
[59:58] God, we gave them a full show. 55 minutes. Too much. Too much of a good thing.
Speaker 1:
[60:02] I know. They'll just watch the clips. They won't even click on. But please click on and smash that subscribe button.
Speaker 2:
[60:09] Yeah, smash the shit out of that subscribe button. Like, comment, share, take pictures of it. Whatever you gotta do.
Speaker 1:
[60:16] Alright.
Speaker 2:
[60:22] Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.
Speaker 1:
[60:33] If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.
Speaker 2:
[60:38] Fly on the Wall is presented by Audacy, an executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Audacy.
Speaker 1:
[60:49] Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetek.
Speaker 2:
[60:55] Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.
Speaker 1:
[60:57] Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney and Lauren Vieira.
Speaker 2:
[61:12] Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewallataudacy.com. That's audacy.com.