transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:08] We're back with the unhinged style videos, but in the house with good sound. So we're getting best of both worlds. Oh my God, thank you, Margarita. No problem, say less. And on today's episode, we're gonna talk about how the myth of being convenient, good, and all these things is actually jeopardizing your life as opposed to getting you to where you wanna be. This idea came to me because I was scrolling old Instagram, as I do, on my moment of freedom. I have like two minutes of that in my life. And I saw this woman say every autoimmune comes from the ways that you try and people please. And she's had this whole list of like research from Harvard, from all these places about all the traits that people with autoimmune have, and all the ways that women suppress themselves basically. And it comes from this idea of the good girl syndrome, right? So it's not a bad thing. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make you intrinsically anything bad. But if you're constantly trying to be good for other people, you will get yourself to a place where you're unhappy, unsuccessful, and you're not actually getting yourself to the goal. Because what is the goal of trying to be good, and likable, and people-pleasy? The goal is that people actually like you, and you please them, and they want to be around you. Guess what, Jessica? Nobody likes a people-pleaser in everyday life. They don't like it. They find it off-putting. They find it annoying, and you don't get to your goal. So in this one, I'm going to do 10 steps, 10 on how you get from a people-pleaser, a good girl trying to make everyone happy, giving yourself autoimmune diseases. I'm not a doctor, but look it up. There's research behind it, to an inconvenient mother trucker who is actually somewhat of a badass, but is also an amazing person and gets what they want in life, and is the main character. Call it whatever you want. Dream girl, main character. Have a glow up. Whatever it is, we're going to get there from the doormat, people-pleasy version of you. The first step that we need to take in order to move through these things, and it's always the first step, is to understand what the good girl actually is and where we're traveling from. Because to know the destination, we need to know where we're coming from. A good girl is not kind, just intrinsically from being kind. She is just afraid of displeasing people. There's a difference between being a genuinely kind person and an empathic person. That comes out naturally through you. If you're a person who sees, I don't know, an animal who is outside or something, or somebody's struggling and you feel empathy, you're just a genuine empathic person, and you're a kind person. A person who is a good girl in order to fit in or be liked, now, that is not a genuinely kind person. That is often a person who has a layer of manipulation over them. That is why they're not likable to people, because it shows that you feel powerless to be yourself. And in order to be liked by people, you need to manipulate them. Who manipulates people? The idea of manipulation is often talked about this, like this insidious bad thing like, oh, they're manipulating you. Manipulation comes from lack of power to forcefully do something, or say what you want to do, or stay on your business, so you feel you've got to influence people with manipulation, and that is subversive, right? So there's a difference between being genuinely warm and an amazing person and manipulating people. Now, if you are a good girl and you notice that about yourself, and you just want to be liked by everybody, and you want to be fitting in, and you want to be chosen, you want to get engaged to the first person you've ever met just because you want him to like you, then you need to understand that this comes from a societal upbringing of people telling you well done for being convenient, good, neat, tidy, and fitting in, yeah? But remember, good girls don't make history. People who are different make history. People who don't fit in make history. So everyone who you look up to wasn't that person, but you are trained by society to be that person. Boys aren't generally trained to do that, but girls are. Girls can sit through lessons, oh, she's so nice, she's so kind, look at that bow on her hair, she's so lovely, be quiet, do this, do that, be subservient, and that's fantastic if it worked. But it doesn't. It's going to burn you out, and no one at the end of your life, whenever it is, is going to put a monument for you to say, wow, how convenient she was, how good she was. Well, look at that. In fact, people will just take it for granted. People take for granted, and men in relationships take for granted what you give them. We look at it from our feminine lens. We look at it like, if I do a lot for him, he will think how amazing I am. That's not how it works in the male brain. If you do a lot for him, he thinks, oh, I must deserve that. Dan is nodding, right? He's male. He's my videographer. So he doesn't think, wow, I'm a pleb and I don't deserve this, she's done this, and now I owe all these things. And look at the messaging underneath. If you're going above and beyond to make someone happy, to make them owe you something, that is not a genuine kindness that you have in your soul. You don't just want to give them something. You want to make them owe you something. So when you turn around and go, oh, I did all this for him. I was with him for all these years. I supported him for this one, that one, and the other one. And he's like, I never asked you. He never asked you, Jessica. Stop doing things for people in order to manipulate them into being with you, loving you, liking you. It doesn't work. So the good girl syndrome, let's call it that, comes from that. Because as children especially, what is a good child? A good child is a convenient child. A good child is one that doesn't cry, doesn't do annoying things, doesn't jump around, doesn't all of this. That's what we call a good kid. That's not a good kid in my mind, right? I have two kids. I don't see behavior that is placating to their surroundings as good. That's not an individual, interesting person. To be convenient adult is not necessarily good, right? So what happens when a girl grows up and she has to be good for her surroundings? She is either successful at it, that's called the golden child, and that is the good girl we're talking about, or she's not. And then you become somebody who's a little bit more antisocial, but I suppose interesting. Step number two, you need to recognize how your good girl behaviors manifest. For example, you never say no, you over explain apologies, or you explain why you want to do something. You laugh things off that actually hurt you. I'll use myself as an example, because I was this in my early 20s. I would say something like, oh, let's go to the movies. I'd say, oh, I can't tonight, or I don't want to. And then I'd have to follow it up with, oh, because actually I was tired, and then I had to do this, and then I had to do this for someone else, and I have to explain a hundred things about it because I don't want to be seen like a bad person. Or somebody would say something like, I'm walking somewhere and I've got lots of bags I'm carrying, and they'll be like, oh, can you just pick this thing up for me from the store? I can't say no, I can't say no, because I'd rather go out of my way, feel physical discomfort, be late for where I'm going, then deal with the emotional and psychological feeling of having to say no to someone. And that is such a foreign concept to men, and I know it because when you talk to a man, you're like, just don't do that then, right? But women can't, and they can't, honestly, and it creates so much friction in relationships because even now, in my big 30 years, I will still do things for my husband that he just asks, and I'm like, why did he have to ask me that now I have to do it, or I have to face the discomfort of having to say no? Say no, say no. Be in that feeling of saying no, and you will find out on the other side of no that people still like you despite you having said no. You cannot just be liked by people for being convenient and placating and doing all of those things. You need to notice all of your behaviors. You can't say no, you are always available, you don't mind what people do, you don't have any opinions, all of that makes you that good girl archetype. Step number three, understand why you became her, and that was intrinsically put into step number one here, but you need to write it down for yourself. Understand what you thought you were trying to achieve in your childhood and it is the best survival skill you had, that if you were good for your parents, they loved you and they fed you and you were a part of the family, and you thought this is how you get love, this is how you get nutrition, this is how you get acceptance from your tribe. It came from somewhere, it always does. Girls who get told that they are their dad's favorite because they play sport well or because they're funny or because they're messy, have more freedom to be whoever it is that they want to be. But if you were told in your childhood that if you were convenient, if you just helped your mom out, and the darker side of it is if you had parents who were either drinking, busy, unavailable, stressed, depressed, you will have found yourself a way to be easy for them to be around, because that is how you stayed safe around them. If you were easy, if you didn't wake them up in the morning, if you didn't give them a headache, if you were funny. Most comedians have parents who have substance abuse issues or some kind of psychological things, because what did they learn to do? They learned to become funny. They learned to make fun so that their parents didn't have the stress, right? You need to find out. So you guys know very well that to lose my baby weight, I used the keto diet, right? The reason it worked for me and it works for a lot of people is blood sugar. When your blood sugar is stable, you're not hungry every five minutes, you're not craving sugar and carbs, and your body actually starts burning the fat for fuel. That's it. That's the whole idea behind it. So when I looked at Lean, L-E-A-N, the supplement, I got it immediately because that's the concept behind it too. It's got ingredients inside that help your body use the insulin that you have in it properly. So your blood sugar stays stable. Same principle as keto, right? Just a different way of getting there. Then there is another ingredient, which is a natural appetite suppressant that's been used for centuries. And I love that because centuries it's been proven, works on the hunger center in your brain. So you're genuinely just not as hungry as you usually would be. And it's got two more ingredients in it that actually burn fat for energy or they help to do so and it's been proven, right? So if I'm being honest with you, I haven't used other methods, keto worked for me, but this product, I actually understand it. And I would recommend it based on the science behind it. It's specifically for people with like 10 or something pounds to lose who have tried everything. So visit takelean.com and enter BEING HER for your discount. That's promo code BEING HER at takelean.com. Okay, I have to tell you something a bit random, but lately I've noticed that around like one or two o'clock, I always want a treat, not a full meal, just something that feels indulgent, that doesn't completely derail how I feel. And I realized the only way I can actually stay consistent with my wellness and everything I want long term is if I don't try to be perfect. That's why I've been loving Cachava's new coffee flavor lately. It tastes like a treat, right? But at the same time, it actually supports my nutrition instead of working against it. The flavor is really smooth and I love knowing it's made with premium decaffeinated Brazilian beans. What I like about Cachava in general is that it's not just protein, it's a whole body nutrition shake with plant-based protein, fiber, probiotics, adaptogens, vitamins, minerals, girl. All the things that make you feel steady, energized, and clear. It's clean, no artificial flavors or sweeteners, no fillers, no nonsense. It's one of those things that makes it easier to stay consistent because it actually tastes good. Treat yourself to the flavor and nutrition your body craves. Go to cachava.com and use code BEING HER for 15% off your first order. That's cachava, kachava.com. The code is BEING HER. You need to write down when was being good a solution to your life problems and it gave you proximity to the person you wanted to be close to, your parent, someone else, okay? So you guys know very well that to lose my baby weight, I used the keto diet, right? The reason it worked for me and it works for a lot of people is blood sugar. When your blood sugar is stable, you're not hungry every five minutes, you're not craving sugar and carbs, and your body actually starts burning. The fat for fuel, that's it. That's the whole idea behind it. So when I looked at lean, L-E-A-N, the supplement, I got it immediately because that's the concept behind it too. It's got ingredients inside that help your body use the insulin that you have in it properly. So your blood sugar stays stable, same principle as keto, right? Just a different way of getting there. Then there is another ingredient, which is a natural appetite suppressant that's been used for centuries and I love that because centuries it's been proven, works on the hunger center in your brain, so you're genuinely just not as hungry as you usually would be. It's got two more ingredients in it that actually burn fat for energy or they help to do so, and it's been proven, right? So if I'm being honest with you, I haven't used other methods, keto worked for me, but this product, I actually understand it, and I would recommend it based on the science behind it. It's specifically for people with like 10 or something pounds to lose, who have tried everything. So visit takelean.com and enter BEING HER for your discount. That's promo code BEINGHER at takelean.com. Step number four, stop being easy and good in your relationship now, because your person who you're with, Clive, Dave, whoever you're with, is not your parent. They do not hold the same importance as your parents did. If Clive, Dave, or Steve leaves you, you will not be uncared for as you would have been if your parents did. I know it's the same psychological link, but you are now grown. As a child, you could not have survived without parents who look after you. But if a relationship breaks up now, you will survive. You are grown. You are that person who can look after yourself. I have a whole chapter about it in my book that's coming out. Pre-order it, please, because then my publisher will be happy and we can write more books and we can do more tools and we can do more cool things. I'll leave it in the description box below. But the book is called Unbothered. There's a whole chapter about talking to your childhood self and making yourself feel safe and all of these things, right? You need to stop being easy to people now and break the cycle. Because if you are easy to be with and good and just placate, and anytime they say jump, you jump. Anytime they say, I want this, you do it. You are doing the opposite of what you want because rare things, things that are hard to get, are actually valued by people. Why do you think men buy exotic cars? It's not because, oh, wow, this car is just the cheapest and the easiest to run. Ship breaks down all the time. It's temperamental. It's hard. If you notice, men often have hobbies that are based around things that are tricky to do, hard to achieve, video games. Do you think you just walk in the video game, nothing happens? Obstacles? No. Things that they have to put together? Obstacles, the feeling of achieving something. And it's not like you've got to stand there and be like, no, I'm hard to get. No, you actually have to have values and a life. Therefore, you are by default hard to get. You say no, so you're by default hard to get. I have my feminine energy courses available now as well. They're in the description box below. But the whole idea of feminine energy is boundaries and the ability to say no. That's the whole idea of feminine and masculine is going and getting what it is you want. So your biggest power is being able to say no. Have you seen those Desperate Housewives where Gabrielle Solis says the only thing you need to get a man interested in you is just to pretend to be busy and say no. But don't pretend because I know you don't want to be fake because you always tell me that in the DMs. Just actually be busy. Stop being saying yes to everything. Understand that the things that are most valuable, the Burke in an Hermes when you go and buy a bag, the car that's hard to get, they don't advertise. Ferrari doesn't advertise. Bentley doesn't advertise. You got to put your name on a waitlist and wait for 500 years. Then they'll say, yep, it's half a million dollars. Please pay us. You'll be like, yes, please take my money. Please take my money. How about when those shops, when you're walking down the street and they're like, come on in, come on in, we've got a sale, we've got a sale, you want to run away from them. That is easy for you to get, that is easy for you to achieve, that is easy for you to walk into, and that is easy for you to get into, right? So you understand, step number four, that value comes from scarcity. I know it's not fair, but it is the truth. Step number five, develop an actual opinion. Decide what you like and decide what you don't like. Good girls agree with everyone. From now on, your job is to have an opinion. What do you like? What don't you like, yeah? The inconvenient woman have points of view and you aren't apologizing for it. She tells you what she agrees with and disagrees with, and the psychological part about this is, if somebody has a very interesting internal world view, and they have an interesting life, people want to be a part of their life. People want to see into their world, people want to know why you're so confident about the thing that you do. I know everyone's got this experience where they met someone who was kind of attractive like normal, attractive, not attractive somewhere in the middle, but they had such strong opinions and a cool personality, that after a while, they start to seem really good looking to you. Or vice versa, somebody who is an absolute 10 out of 10, but they don't really have an opinion, don't do much with their life, and they start to look so deeply boring and uninteresting that you don't see them in the same way anymore. And then you start seeing their weird features. They're like, why is their nose like that? Why are their teeth like that? Why do they do that with their hair? And it's because they've got no substance to who they are. So it's your job to have an opinion. Step number six, let people be uncomfortable. Good girls manage everyone's emotions. Management of everyone's emotions, comfort, and all these things are the worst thing you can do for yourself when it comes to health. If you take on the emotions of other people, number one, you cannot manage someone else's emotions. It's absolutely impossible. So you're doing an impossible task, but you're also going to stress yourself out into an autoimmune and it's going to be horrendous. Because when you're trying to manage someone else's emotions, especially if it's a man in your life, and you take on responsibility for him, and you start to mother him as if he's like some kind of child, and then you wonder why you can't dump him when he's treating you wrong. It's because it literally feels like you're trying to abandon your own child. That's psychology. You've taken so much responsibility for him, and we are intrinsically made to mother things. It could be a pet, a child, a plant, whatever. We nurture things by nature. I know maybe you don't want to hear that, but that is nature, right? You look after him so much about his opinions, about what he wants, what he doesn't want, that now you've got a soul tie to him as if he's your child, not as if he's a man in your life, and that is so dangerous. People's discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. Let silence sit and let people figure it out. It's the fastest way to see if a man is supposed to be in your life or not. I used to jump through hoops in order to make sure everyone was comfortable, everyone's okay. I still have that in me sometimes with friends because I genuinely care about my friends and I want them to be happy. But the last thing you need to do if you want to be inconvenient and a badass is when it comes to-

Speaker 2:
[20:09] This is Sarah Galley from the podcast Dandies Girls. Grief doesn't keep a calendar. Anxiety doesn't clock out after five. Depression doesn't care if it's your busy season. Support can still fit into your life. With Grow, you can find a therapist who meets you where you are. Whether it's your first time in therapy or your 50th, Grow makes it easier to find a therapist who fits you, not the other way around. They connect you with thousands of independent licensed therapists across the US., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity or availability, and get started in as little as two days. And if something comes up, you can cancel up to 24 hours in advance at no cost. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow helps you find therapy on your time. The single most important decision that I have made to better my life was starting therapy. It's helped me both better understand and communicate with family members, friends. Whatever challenges you're facing, Grow Therapy is here to help. Grow accepts over 100 insurance plans and sessions average about $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Visit growtherapy.com/let'sgotoday to get started. That's growtherapy.com/let'sgo. growtherapy.com/let'sgo. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

Speaker 1:
[21:47] Relationships is try to manage someone's emotions. If he's moody, let him be moody. What's wrong? What are you thinking? Don't do that. Don't do that because if he's actually thinking about something, you're annoying and if he doesn't like you and doesn't want to talk to you, just let it play out. He just won't talk to you again and you'll be like, great, I know earlier now, as opposed to trying to manage someone else's emotions that aren't yours. Stop trying to get into people's heads, Jessica, they're not your business. Let people think their own thoughts without you getting in there. Step seven, stop over explaining yourself. No is the full sentence. You don't need a medical certificate to cancel plans with people, okay? You don't need to have like a dissertation. You don't need to over explain yourself. That quote, never complain, never explain is the most powerful thing that you will ever understand once you understand that. Never complain, never explain. Stop explaining yourself to people. Every person who's got this sovereignty and coolness about them doesn't explain themselves. I catch myself trying to explain myself a lot to my team at work or things like that. And I'm like, what am I doing? Who asked me for this explanation? Nobody asked. And it really diminishes how powerful you seem or how interesting you seem or how much aura you have. Is that what people say? How much aura you have? Yeah. How, how, how or you are. You don't need to justify your boundaries and essays. You don't need to, especially if someone has hurt your feelings, if someone's overstepped the boundary, let's just say he didn't come home. He said he'd come home at 10. He came home at 3 a.m., he's drunk. If you sit with him going, if this is why it's wrong, I don't, I won't be treated this way and you're talking and talking and you're talking, all he's hearing is you're investing more time and energy into talking to him and therefore he still gets a tick of approval from you. What you need to do if someone disrespects you or your boundaries, you remove your energy. How to remove energy? If I live with him, Margarita, you just stop talking at him, you stop telling him, you stop lecturing him and you go, do you know what, I don't like people who lie, I'm gonna go do my own thing. That's what you do. You just focus on yourself, stop focusing on people who've disrespected you. Okay, number eight, become someone with a life he has to fit into. If you are inviting someone into your life, but you've got no life and you start to orbit yourself around another person, that makes you uninteresting over the long run. Good girls and people who are new to relationships, girls often do this, is that they start to orbit the guy's life like he is the sun and they are the planetary. He likes to play cricket on the weekends or watch it. I don't know whatever it is guys do. She starts to do that as well. He likes to do this. She comes as well. What are you doing? I used to actually, my husband liked to do motocross or whatever it is, something jumping on something. And I used to go and watch him in my early 20s. What are you doing? Like watch once, twice, what do you do? Go away, like get a life. And then I was wondering why he was like a little bit, not indifferent, like he loved me. Obviously he married me, but there she is again watching me. Honestly, it's really annoying, right? So get a life, force yourself. I know it probably doesn't feel natural to you because maybe you like like him so much, you just want to hang out, but we're hanging out. Force yourself to have a life. You know why? Because you see the way you find him fascinating because he does whatever he does and you want to be in his life. Why don't you give him the same grace? If you're always doing the same thing that he does, how is he supposed to find you interesting and attractive? Oh, there she is always sitting watching me. There's nothing to find interesting. There's nothing to find attractive. There's nothing to hinge his like to. If you want to be likable, at least be someone to like, yeah? Not just the sidekick's character. Step number nine. We're almost there, guys. We're almost there. We're almost at the level of ultimate dream girl, okay? Let people show you who they are when you stop performing the good girl. The quicker you stop performing likable good girl energy, the quicker you will lose the people who are not meant to be in your life and gain the people who are meant to be in your life, okay? The right people will stay because they will find you magnetic and amazing, and the people who are there to always use you and just use you for the fact that you did a lot for them will leave. And there's no other way to do it than to stop playing that character. Number 10, choose yourself first, not dramatically, not in a finger wagging way, not in some kind of Beyonce song, but choose yourself as a person who respects themself every day, a little bit, not dramatically, not in a statement. Please do not write to the guy you're dating, from now on, I'm choosing myself. Please just don't, and don't write that on your stories either. Don't do that kind of stuff, okay? Just be inconvenient by the fact that you choose yourself. Everyone is a sovereign being and should choose themselves first, because if you don't look after yourself, nobody will. And if you look after yourself and you choose yourself first, other people will know how to treat you and you will have something to give from. You can't give from an empty vessel. So you've got to put yourself first, which women are terrible at, okay? So in the description box, you will find my book pre-order link. When you pre-order that book, I'll put another link underneath because I'm kind and generous and so, so nice. When you screenshot the fact that you've pre-ordered, send it to me through that link down there and I'll send you a master class for free. That's not public, but I'll send it to you. Also, all the feminine energy courses and Unbothered 3-Day Intensive is down there as well. Love you lots. I'll see you on the next one. Bye.