transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:09] So online, did he bring crews to Hooters for his birthday?

Speaker 2:
[00:12] He did, and I was inducted in the Hooters Hall of Fame. I think people forget about that.

Speaker 1:
[00:19] Like, I love Hooters. I would love to own a, like, that does not bother me at all.

Speaker 2:
[00:25] That is just fine.

Speaker 1:
[00:25] Oh, okay, that's good. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[00:27] I wanted him to spend time with his son on his birthday.

Speaker 1:
[00:29] Okay, good, all right. Hello everyone, and welcome to Everything Iconic with me, Danny Pellegrino. That was a clip of Brittany Cartwright on Watch What Happens Live. Now, I watched it after I watched The Valley, and we're going to talk about The Valley this week's episode. It was called the Santa Clarita Trail. Of course, we're going to get into it, but I don't know if I was just like slap happy or in a silly mood or what, but I was watching Watch What Happens Live with the biggest smile on my face. I look like the fucking joker from Batman because I was laughing so hard. First of all, the story that the clip that I just played, it was in reference to this story that came out that Jax had taken a cruise to Hooters and a lot of people were criticizing like, oh, you shouldn't bring a five-year-old to Hooters. And so a lot of us were waiting with baited breath to see how Brittany would respond to that. And she had a lot of things to say about Jax and how he hasn't changed and really seems like he's still a demon that we always knew him to be. And so we're all sitting on the edge of our seat waiting for Brittany to respond to the Hooters story. And then that was her response, like, I love Hooters. I just want to spend time with his son. I'm in the Hooters Hall of Fame. And I was like, yes, that's the Brittany I love. And then not only that, one of my favorite Watch What Happened Side Moments ever happened was they played this game. The other guest was trying to get Brittany to guess famous people. And so Brittany had those Ramona glasses on. And she was trying to guess, the other guest was trying to have Brittany guess these celebrities. So there's a picture on the screen that Brittany couldn't see. And then the other guest was trying to say different hints. It was like the game Password or something where they weren't allowed to say the name, they were trying to get Brittany to guess who it was. And so Brittany's got the big ass Ramona eyes on. And the other guest is trying to describe Elvis. So they say, Memphis and King of Rock and all this stuff. And Brittany's like, you walk the line, and she's not getting it. And it was so funny to me, let me play a little clip. And he was getting by the end frustrated by her because she was not getting Elvis. Okay. I can't stop watching.

Speaker 2:
[02:28] I told y'all I'm not getting a name. Okay, it's Elvis.

Speaker 1:
[02:33] Oh my God. It's Elvis. And she was making me laugh so hard because by the end of it, she's like, I told y'all I'm not good with names. I told y'all I'm not good with names. Now watch what happens live before the show. Producers usually come to the dressing room and they'll say, hey, we have a handful of these games. Here are the games we're thinking of playing. And they won't tell you any of the questions of the game or they won't kind of do any of that stuff because they want it to be live. But they will say, hey, we're going to play this guessing game. So I was imagining Brittany backstage before the show. And there's a lot going on. A lot of people around. They're coming up to you asking if you want a cocktail and asking you if you could come do this promo and take some pictures. And so everything's kind of moving quickly. And I was just imagining one of the producers going up to Brittany and saying, hey, we're going to play this game where you have to guess the celebrities. And she's like, oh, she's probably just freaking out back there. I'm not good with names. I'm not good with names. I'll do it, but I'm not good with names. And then so by the time we get to the game and she can't get Elvis, she just shouting, she was breaking down that fourth wall. I told y'all I'm not good with names. I told y'all I am not good with names. I told y'all. It was making me laugh. It was also the idea that somebody like cannot guess Elvis. I mean, that's one of the easiest ones to ever guess. And I understand that like a lot of us, Brittany's around my age, I believe. And so look, it wasn't like we were born in the generation of Elvis being alive. But even if you weren't, it's like Elvis has been an omnipresence in pop culture. So it's like, I think of kids watching Lilo and Stitch. Like you get an understanding of who Elvis is. She's got crews. I'm sure they've watched Lilo and Stitch when they're not at the Hooters. They're watching Lilo and Stitch sitting down to see what that little demon is up to, Stitch, with his friend Lilo. And so I'd imagine you get Elvis that way. There was also the Austin Butler movie where he won Academy Award. Not to mention Elvis is still played on the radio all the time. So the idea that Brittany Britbananas cannot get Elvis Presley and then got frustrated. I told y'all, I'm not good with names. Oh, it was making me laugh. It was just, I was in tears last night watching it. Just, I wasn't stoned or anything. I wasn't high or nothing. I just thought it was like the funniest thing watching her play Guessing Him and it made me want her on every fucking game show. I want her on Jeopardy. I want her on Wheel of Fortune. I want her on the original password. I'd like to go back in time and put her on Hollywood Squares. I don't know any sort of game there is. Like we need Brittany on there because it was so funny. I told y'all, I am not good with names. And she probably said she didn't want to play that. But I'm sure a producer went up to her and was like, we're going to play this guessing game. And she probably thought, I don't want to play that, but I don't want to be difficult. I want to go with the flow. I want to play along. And they're playing along and then she just looked like an idiot, a dummy and not be him to get Elvis. And then she was just probably thinking in her head, I'm coming across so dumb right now. I loved it. And I love my Brit Bananas. I do watch her date, although I am concerned about this Brandon fellow. He's got so many red flags and I know they keep saying, red flag this, red flag that. And he's got a lot of red flags and he's reminding me too much of Jacks. And I do not care for that. So at least we have Zach trying to steer her away from this man Brandon, but I'm concerned. But do I like watching Brittany go on a date and take shots on a date with Brandon? Of course I do. I do. And maybe a lot of people don't. And I'm also going to say another controversial thing that people are going to be mad at me, I'm sure. But I'm liking Schwartz on this show. His floppy presence makes me feel cozy and warm and comfortable and calm. In a chaotic world, I need it. And I don't think he's even adding much to the drama, to the nothing. He's just sort of flopping around on screen and I'm fine with that. I like it. It makes me feel safe. In a sick, sick way, even in the opening credits, when they play that music where I'm all right, and Schwartz is just holding hot dogs. Nia's also, we got to talk about that opening credits, because I think they changed it from last season. Some of them are still the same, but some of them got like new opening credit things. And I think Danny and Nia did, and we're going to talk about Danny in a minute. But for now, I just want to focus on how Nia is holding that hose in the opening credits. It's like a very aggressive hose hold. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like every time I see Nia holding that hose, and they're on the car that says like four under four, and it's like, all right. And then Nia is just holding that hose in a very awkward way. I would like to see the behind the scenes of that because she's on top of the car, I think. Is she like sitting weird on the car? I don't know. I love it. I love it. We opened this week, though, at the Santa Clarita House. Nia's mom is there. They're prepping this party. And I'm obviously concerned that everybody has to go to this party. And they said it's like an hour away. I think at one point they were like, it's 59 minutes. It's this many minutes away. And it does seem far away. And I do not like when the cameras are in Santa Clarita. Like, I feel a very dark energy there. And it's not just Danny and Nia. I mentioned this last week. It's sort of like the mountainscape. Something about it all feels very dreary to me. And I'm not saying the rest of The Valley or Los Angeles or West Hollywood, where the rest of the show takes place or where Vanderpump Rules takes place. I'm not saying that's filled with positive energy and vibes. But there is something to be said about how I felt safer in Tom and Ariana's apartment where the microwave would cut out the electricity. Do you remember what I'm talking about? Like, that shouldn't feel more cozy than the Santa Clarita house that Danny and I live in. And now, I grant it, it's big, it's spacious, it's seemingly new. But the way even they show those drone shots of their neighborhood where it's like all the houses look the same. I get very Tim Burton vibes. It's like a suburb, a suburb, what did I say, suburb. It's like a suburb that Tim Burton would do in like Edward Scissorhands or one of his movies like Beetlejuice. It's the kind of suburb that Tim Burton would manifest. And so every time we see Danny and Nia's house, I get like very uncomfortable. Because even as a kid, I remember being scared of Edward Scissorhands. And some of the Tim Burton stuff, like I loved Batman Returns. But then some of his other work, it would make me really uncomfortable. Even it took me into my older years to get Nightmare Before Christmas. But when I was a child, I thought like, what is this film? Like it wasn't the stop motion. It was just the vibes. You get a Tim Burton vibe. And then as I get older, I appreciated the goth and everything of it. But as a kid, I was scared. And so now I'm almost like transported back to when I was a child, when I go to that Santa Clarita house and all those the drone shots of other houses looking the same. And then meanwhile, Danny already, I feel a demon spirit within him, because he was getting ready for that cowboy party. And then when he was talking and he was doing that accent, and I'm like, you need to stop with that accent. And Nia, you could almost hear her inner thoughts of what happened to me, like how did I get here? Because she's looking at her husband, Danny, who she made four kids with under four years old. And he's talking in this accent, she's exhausted, she keeps saying it too. She's like, I know I wanted this. She's kind of got that cheeky voice, like I know I wanted this, but now that I have it, I'm kind of tired. And then Danny's over in the corner being like, howdy partner, doing his best Woody from Toy Story cosplay. And I'm like, Danny, you need to shut the fuck up and go give your wife a foot massage or something, because she's trying to tell you how exhausted she is and how rough it is. And she's like, my body is my children's now and I'm feeding them every two hours and I'm trying and I know I wanted this, but. And she's like saying these things basically to her husband. He's just like, hey, do you want to fuck partner? You know, like Danny shut up, like not now. And then when he was talking in that accent, she's like, Daniel, can you please stop talking in that accent? I don't know if I want to hear it anymore. And then Danny's like, okay, darlin, okay, you little dumpling, I'll stop talking in it when, but it's my real voice. And she's like, no, I know it's not your real voice. So maybe if you could stop talking in that voice. Okay, dumpling. Whatever. And I'm like, okay, Danny, you stop. But that whole, everything about that Selena Clarita house just feels very uncanny valley. And they're prepping for this cowboy party. Everybody else has got other things going on. Kristen and Britt Bananas go to the plastic surgeon. Now, Brittany's getting the mommy makeover. She says she's doing the tummy tuck, the lipo, and she's a direct quote, reducing these huge old boobies. I got to reduce these huge old boobies. That's what she said to the doctor. I love this show. I love this show. Now, the doctor comes in. We know the doctor, they know the doctor, because the same doctor that did 100 nose jobs on Jax and did her original boobies. Now, I would personally, if I was Britt Bananas, I would go to literally any other doctor because, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Jax need like 100 nose jobs? Now, I'm sure he put that nose through a lot. I know that. We watched it. We know that. But then also even with the boobies, it's like that doctor should have been the one to step in and say, Brittany, it seems like you don't want these huge ass boobies. And so maybe, you know, maybe somebody else should do the boobies when you're getting them reduced. That's my opinion. And that's how I felt even before the doctor started to gag Kristen because then the doctor said, the doctor comes in and Kristen's sitting there too. She's just getting them some nice little botox. That's all she was in there for, to get her leavens done and, I don't know, post-baby, just do a little botox maintenance. No big whoop. And then she sits down and the doctor's inspecting Brittany's big old boobies. Or what did she say? She called them her huge old boobies. And then the doctor says, Kristen's starting to say a sentence. She's like, oh yeah, I just thought about them sitting up. She was talking about boobs. And then before she's even getting out the sentence, the doctor's like, don't worry, you're next. Don't worry, you're next. Excuse me, sir. Electric chair. Absolutely not. I don't need a doctor. Like she's, if I was Kristen, I'd say, I'm here for my 11, sir. Shut the fuck up about your opinion on what I need to get done with my body. How about you shut the fuck up? Oh, I got so mad at that doctor. Somebody take away his license. I don't really mean that. But you know what I'm saying? It's like, he said, don't worry, you're next. It's like, you know what? You need to be next. You need to get this attitude surgically removed because I did not care for that. And Kristen's face, she was like a deer in the headlights. Like, oh my gosh, like, and she was angry. She even said in the, I think it was her professional, she said she's angry she hasn't bounced back faster. Now, you have a baby, I think like, I hope all the moms out there give themselves grace, and I hope all the doctors give the moms out there grace too and shut the fuck up and don't say you're next. But you know, your body goes through a lot. I can only imagine. And so, I don't know. Then also the doctors have different names. It's like the booby doctor was different than the other guy who came in who's, they were calling the face master for the Botox. I don't know, Brittany said she trusts him more than anyone, but I don't trust them at all. They're getting ready for the Y2K Girls Night, though. I guess that. Before Brittany gets the body, though, under surgical care, she is going to have her date night. She's going to have her date night. Date night with Brandon. Date night. Date night. They even made like a date night reference in the doctor's office. Kristen's like, oh, you're going to have a date night? I love when Brittany says, date night. Date night. I'll have an overnight date night. A little date night. And then we go to Luke and Jason at a coffee shop. Now, Luke asked Jason if he has any chats with Danny and Nia. So he's trying to bridge the gap, which I didn't even realize Luke and Jason were friends, but they're sitting down for coffee. Now, Luke sticks up for Danny and Nia, and Jason's like, I don't like Danny. I don't care for him. No, this is not going to be popular. This might get me in trouble, but I like that. Jason does something that I think most of the other men on Bravo do not do. Almost none of the men who are married to women on Bravo do this. But Jason always backs up his wife. Now, taking out how you feel about Janet and Jason, because I know I get it. Look, I know a lot of people, they hate Janet. They do. That's a fact. By and large, the audience rejects Janet in a way that I haven't seen an audience do to almost anybody else on Bravo. Yet, what I have to say is Jason always backs up his wife. That never happens. You think of even the history of the Vanderpump Universe, cinematic universe, it's like Katie Maloney was asking that of Schwartz. Never did it. Ariana, when she was with Tom, they weren't even married, but she was asking him to stick up for her. Amanda and Kyle, taking out how you feel about Amanda, that's what she was asking of Kyle for 100 years on the show. It was like, back me up. Now, Jason, he just unequivocally backs up his wife, even when the wife is wrong. And I think actually that's like a stand-up quality to have an husband. Like if I was on reality TV with my husband Matt, I would want him even when I was in the wrong, because Lord knows we're all going to be in the wrong at a time or two. Janet's odds, or Janet's probably batting over 50% when it comes to being wrong on the show. But the fact is, Jason's always got her back in a way that like I've never seen on these shows. And I think that's interesting. And Jason says his wife, like when people talk about his wife, it's like a trigger. And so even the other cast members seem to hate his wife on the show, but like he's always got her back. And I find that to be a wonderful thing. And that's exactly what I think most of us would want from our significant other. And it almost is jarring because it never happens with the other cast members on any of these shows on Bravo. So you see even in a Housewives world, it's like the husband will come in and kind of throw their wife under the bus a lot of times. And it's like this man is just there like defending her. And it's like, that's cool. I mean, she might be wrong a lot of the time, but it's like he's got her back no matter what. And then maybe behind closed doors is like, hey, Janet, I guess what you're wrong. But at least on camera, that's what I would want at least. So they're doing this Y2K and there was like a little 1999 montage that I want to talk about because they showed some facts about 1999. They were like, oh, The Matrix came out. There was Napster. And then they were playing this like very eerie boy band music that was clearly royalty free. And it sounded to me like, do you remember when Pizza Hut or McDonald's around 1999, they would give you like a free CD with the pizza. So you'd buy like a Bigfoot Pizza Hut or you go to McDonald's and for $1.99, you'd get a free CD and they would have like B-sides or imported tracks from Britney Spears, Bexter Boys and N'Sync. And they weren't songs that were what the record label deemed good enough to be on the main album. Do you know what I'm talking about? Although I will say McDonald's once released an N'Sync song called If You're Not The One. And I think that appeared on, gosh, I'm sorry, my facts are a little fuzzy right now because I wasn't prepared to talk about this. But it was like called If You're Not The One. And then I think they put it maybe it's on Spotify and like one of their greatest hits maybe. But I think it originally appeared on like a McDonald's CD. And it wasn't on the main album, but it was a really good song. So I encourage you to check it out. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, these fast food places would give out CDs. And the song that they were playing on The Valley to show that it was like 1999, it sounded like one of those songs from McDonald's giveaway. And so I just had to point that out. But the women, all the gals are getting ready and they're doing their professional makeup at Kristen's. This whole thing was sort of sad to me. Now, Nia's, they got a party bus to an empty bar, but it was like a Y2K theme bar. And Nia is still breastfeeding. And so the mom is following the party bus into Hollywood. And I'm happy for these moms to get away. I want them to get away, but it was all very bleak to me that like the mom had to follow. And it was clear to me that Nia didn't, I didn't think Nia wanted to go out. I don't think Kristen wanted to go out. They were all sort of pretending to want to go out. It didn't feel like anyone except for maybe save Michelle and Zach, like I think those two. And then they went out even longer. And then I was so pissed at production for not following those two because they were the fun bus. They were the fun time. Although, Michelle, did anyone else notice? It was like a moment with Michelle and Kristen where they were getting along. And I was like, since when are they getting along? I didn't understand that. Do we miss something? I don't know. But the point is, Kristen or Zach and Michelle, they were having a good time, a gay old time. They went out to the bars. They went to the, they said they were at the gay bars next to the Abbey. And we saw a quick little cell phone footage. I'm like, that's what we needed to follow because the rest of the party night, it was so sad when they were at that empty ass club. I didn't like that. Although I would personally in real life like to go to empty club. Like I don't want to wait for a drink, especially if it's my first night out in a while. However, watching on TV, it just felt sad, didn't it? And then also, yes, thinking of the mom having to chase Nia on the party bus so that Nia could leave every couple of hours to feed the baby. That was all sad. I felt bad for the baby too. I'm like, the baby don't want to sit in a party bus? Like, what the? I know they have to film for these shows, but it was sad. It was sad. Zach was ready to get fucked up, though, and I liked that. Brittany, as she was getting ready, though, she's like, I look like a Y2K prostitute. And she wasn't wrong. Like, she was wearing that fuzzy hat, and then Lala also wore that fuzzy hat. And I like that. I don't know. I'm happy Britt got her sparkle back. And I think she was going for Pamela Anderson at the VMA Awards, right, with that fuzzy hat. But obviously, she's not going with names.

Speaker 2:
[21:31] I told y'all I'm not going with names.

Speaker 1:
[21:34] So she's just like, I look like a Y2K prostitute. I told y'all I'm not going with names. Anyway, they arrive at this bar at 8 p.m. and no one is there. It's called Zero Lounge. Kristin's in heaven, which I get. There was also all these stuff, all this stuff like a Furby and a Bop It. Remember a Bop It? I loved a Bop It. It basically looked like my office. I don't think you guys can see my office right now because I'm not on video. And also, even if I was, you would not see it, but I'm looking around. I have a lot of Y2K stuff and a lot of stuff from my childhood. I always find it inspirational in my office because when I'm writing and stuff, it inspires me and I don't know. I like it, but I don't have a Bop It. I do have a Furby though that I'm staring at right now. I do have a Furby. And a copy of Amelia Bedelia's Christmas and a Rosie O'Doll. A lot of people, I get tagged on social media a lot where people see like Rosie O'Donnell merch at like antique malls or thrift shops or garage sales, yard sales, state sales. And a lot of times people will message me and be like, hey, can I buy this for you and send it? Like I think you would really like it. And I'm always kind of embarrassed, low key embarrassed to be like, no, I already have that because I pretty much have every Rosie O'Donnell item, which there were like Burger King toys, got all those. There was Nickelodeon Kids Choice merch that was sold at Burger King that have all those. There's the Rosie O'Donnell plush doll, have that. There's a Rosie O'Donnell Mattel Barbie, have that. Rosie O'Donnell Kushballs branded, have those. I pretty much have every Rosie O'Donnell from her talk show years. And so a lot of people reach out and be like, can I get this for you? And then I always am so kind of embarrassed to be like, no, I already have like two of those. Like, I really shouldn't, like I shouldn't. You know what I realized though? Like, as I started to decorate my office with a lot of this junk, I, when I was a kid, I think I had that what they call scarcity mindset. And this is trauma that I could go through with my therapist. But I had a lot, anytime I would get a toy that I really wanted, because we didn't have like a ton of money or anything growing up or, and I mostly got a lot of hand-me-down. So oftentimes when like I wanted something, like let's say I did want the Rosie O'Donnell doll. I would, if I was lucky enough to get one of those things, like I wouldn't want to play with it. So I'd keep it in the box or even I remember stickers, like you'd get stickers and I wouldn't want to put them on things because I would be like, oh, these are really nice and like I wanted to save them. So I realized like all of my childhood, my toys and everything that I had, I was so afraid to open or play with it. And then, so as I got older and I started recollecting these things, I was like, I'm not keeping it in the packaging. Or I would get two of them and be like, one of them is coming out of the packaging and I'm just going to open it. And so I got the thrill of playing it as an adult because of the trauma that I had as a child not playing with it. But then I look back and I'm like, what the fuck was wrong with me? Like that was, that's fucked up. I don't know, I need to talk to my therapist about that. Anyway, moving on, let's take a break here. We're going to come back and I'm going to go analyze my mental health. And then we're going to come back and talk. And we're back. I have to change the subject for a minute. Right, so we're at this bar, and Kristen and Brittany, they cheers to snakes and condoms. Was that what they said? Brittany and Kristen, they held up their drinks, and they're like, cheers to snakes and condoms, two things we don't fuck with. Then Jasmine, she pulls Michelle aside, and she's like, yeah, guess what? None of us would probably be hanging out with Lala if it wasn't for this show. That's essentially what she said. She said it in sort of that covert way, where it's like, I don't know that I'd be so close with Lala if she wasn't in this group of friends or whatever. But what she meant was like, production forced us to hang out with Lala because she was on Vanderpump Rules, but probably the rest of us wouldn't be hanging out with her if she wasn't cast on this show. And then Michelle runs and tells Lala, and Lala said she's been authentic and real since birth.

Speaker 2:
[25:33] Make it go pop, pop, pop until my panties go drop, drop, drop.

Speaker 1:
[25:38] Anyway, Jasmine, she denies it, though, when Lala confronts her and then she turns around on Michelle. And Lala said she's been guarded and she doesn't trust people. She's like, I was just opening up to Jasmine. They went and had dinner or something. And now this is why she doesn't trust people. Meanwhile, Nia's got to go back to the party bus while Zack is pussy popping on the dance floor. And she's got to feed the baby. And I don't think Nia would ever be at this bar. I don't think she was. And this is one of those times, I love my kids and it's my world, but it's a lot. And I feel so bad for her. I do feel bad for her. She's got that husband who's talking in the accent. Anyway, Kristen arrives on the party bus and they talk about Luke wanting sex. Kristen's like, I got no libido. And she likes that she feels wanted by Luke, but she's like, I'm not ready to have sex with this man. And we already talked about that ad nauseum last week, but Luke needs to cool it. Because even later in the episode, he was saying like, oh, he was hoping Kristen would come home drunk and fuck him. And it's like, how many times does Kristen have to say like, I'm not ready yet? It's only been three months. And this is a problem with dating a younger guy. And this is actually maybe why everybody should date a little older. Because maybe it's like, it's fun to have like a hook up with a younger one because they're going to be ready to go all the time. But then this age gap, because how old is Luke? I feel like he's, is he much younger than Kristen? Kristen's like 42 or something, right? And Luke is maybe 35. Am I wrong? I don't know. I could be wrong. But that's my guess. And so, Luke's like got his like heavy libido. And you know, when you're 42, you just don't have the 35 year old libido. They do say women's libido goes up though, and they're older, right? Anyway, the point is Kristen just tell Luke to go rub one out in the bathroom. While she's gone, she's busy, like leave her alone. Anyway, Brandon is waiting home for Britt. And she's like, I'm ready to get home to Brandon. He's waiting for me at home. I can't wait. And the night was a total flop. It did not seem fun. It did not seem like anybody wanted to be there. And I'm going to need them all to step up their game. If they're going out and have another Gals night next season, they're going to at least have to pretend better. Maybe hop in an acting class before we do this again, because this experiment did not work for me. It seemed like they were all miserable. The bar was empty and it was sad. The whole night felt sad to me. The only fun part looked like Zach and Michelle when they went out. We saw the cell phone footage when they were drunk and Michelle was having a good old time. And Michelle too, I'm like, the one time we get to see Michelle let loose and go drop, drop, drop on the dance floor, make it go pop, pop, pop, then we're not getting it because they didn't shoot it. So I don't go back to the drawing board, hop in a groundlings improv class or do what you got to do because it did not seem fun. So I'm need all the women to step it up. Anyway, at 10:30 a.m. the next day, that's when Luke is making pancakes for Kristen, which was nice. He delivered them in bed and I got to give Luke credit. When you go out at night, have your significant other deliver you pancakes in bed the next morning. That's nice. But then I turned on him when he's like, I hoped you would be drunk and have sex with me. And she's like not even hungover. She's fresh as a daisy because they didn't even really drink. And Michelle was the only one who stayed out till 2 a.m. with Zach and Benji at the gay bars. And she calls Kristen, she's hungover. And I was like, why is Kristen getting a phone call from Michelle that they hated each other? What's going on? Then we cut to Brandon and Brittany on their date night. On their date night. And they, Brandon's from, they say, Pass the Robles, Brittany can't say, she doesn't know where he's from exactly. Like she say, I don't know, he from Pass the Roblox? I don't know where he's from, but however you say it. I love her. She didn't know how to say where he's from. Pass the Roblox, I know Pass the Robles, I don't know where he's from, but he's there. And they're at the date night in a nice restaurant, and they order a 12 ounce filet and they say, we'll cut it and share it. Which I'm not interested in sharing anything. You guys know how I feel about that. It's like, I want to take a couple of bites of yours, but I don't want to ultimately share. I need my own plate. Especially something I was thinking in the logistics of ordering a 12 ounce steak. And then she said, we'll cut it and share. It's like, I wouldn't know, especially on a date where they weren't even official till the end of the date. So it's like early dating. Granted, they've known each other for years, but it's like, think of an early date, and then you're going to have to somehow cut a 12 ounce. A 12 ounce is a big steak. A 12 ounce filet, like 12 ounces is a lot. You know when they get a four or six ounce, like a 12 ounce, right? Isn't that what you get? A filet, you get a, maybe a six ounce would be like a big filet. So I guess would they cut it in half? I don't know, that stresses me out. And it would come and I'd be like, well, did you get a bigger piece or did I get the bigger? Like I would want the bigger piece. Oh, I don't know. But he, Brandon's like trying to butter up. He's like, I like those earrings. And she's like, you do? And then she's like, I came here after Jax. And I was like, Britt, don't mention Jax on your date with this man. Like that is not, I know we're all here to pick apart the red flags that Brandon's showcasing. But I would also say, Brittany, you shouldn't talk about Jax. They're not even divorced yet. And she's like, I came here after Jax and I split here and there. And then Brittany brings up his ex. And she's like, I hope she doesn't blame me. I don't know. They talk about also Hooters. I mentioned Hooters earlier. And she's like, did we ever go on a date or did you just meet me at Hooters? Brittany's like, I can't believe you met me when I was just a Hooters girl. Hooters Hall of Fame, baby. Hooters Hall of Fame. Brandon, he has them delivered to the table like one of those giant candles. And he asked her to be the girlfriend. He's like, would you be my girlfriend? She's like, oh yeah, I'll do it. So they're exclusive now. And then they take shots. And Brittany said, Zach's going to have some things to say tomorrow when he meets you. He's going to have some things to say. He's going to have some things to say to y'all. You know what? He's going to have some things to say. Then we got to Santa Clarita and they're having this new Frontier Cowboy Party. And Danny loves Santa Clarita and it feels very sad to me, energetically feels very depressing. And I come from Ohio, Northeast Ohio, a suburb. And even I'm sitting here say, although I love Ohio, you know, I ride hard for my Ohio. Which I just saw Teresa Giudice was at Ohio University where I went to college. I'm like, what the fuck was Teresa doing there? Like, it was like my brain. I saw it on social media. I'm like, what's going on? Somebody sent it to me. I'm like, how's this happening? But then, yeah, Danny's got his cowboy hat on. He's like, you never met a cowboy before. I'm trying. You're just so pretty. He's got the teeth whitening strip in and he is like enough. Something just doesn't translate to TV for Danny, to me at least. It feels very, and I know he's an actor too. Sometimes I feel like he's doing like audition scenes or something. I'm like, Danny, just stop. Anyway, Brittany's house, Lala shows up, Dolly Jean, the dog pissed on the floor. Is that the name of the dog, Dolly Jean? I think Lala walked in, she's like Dolly Jean pissed on the floor. I'm like, who the fuck's Dolly Jean? I was so distracted by Brittany wearing the cowboy print on her pants. She was wearing a cow print. I just thought, what is this cow print? I know they're going to a cowboy party, but the cow print on her skirt, it was a lot for me to take in. So then they're all going, it's 59 minutes away. Schwartz shows up with a neck pillow, like he's going on an excursion, he's going to Japan or something on a flight. Like he's taking a 20-hour flight to Australia or something, because he's got the neck pillow. And I'm the same way, Schwartz, I get it. And I love that he's showing up with plants everywhere. It's like he works, might as well get a job at a nursery. That's what Schwartz needs to do, not open up a bar that serves lobster corn dogs next to a pet's mart. You instead need to open up a nursery, because I'm seeing him with all these plants. And like Schwartz, just do. That's where your heart lies, obviously. So be a plant daddy and just open up some plant shops or something. There's not, that's something that the Bravo world hasn't dove their foot or dip their toe into, or what's the phrase, is like a fancy nursery. That's what they need to do. Hey, somewhere you could go, because I'm always looking. We live near a nursery and a plant nursery, not a baby nursery. But I go all the time and they have some fun stuff there, but there's only one and I can't even name it. I think it starts with an A. Anyway, I think that Schwartz should do it here in the Valley because I would like to go there because I need plants. Although Fast Growing Trees is the sponsor on this podcast. They're great too. If you need them delivered right to your door. Lala, though, is pissed at Jasmine. So in the car ride, she brings up how Jasmine, she's like, I heard she's two-faced or whatever. And then Michelle's kind of backing her up. And Brandon, you guys, has given a real strong opinion on Jasmine. I was like, Brandon, who are you, sir? Electric chair. Like we just met you. Like I, Lala was right. She's like, who is this? Like what do you mean? We're just meeting you, Brandon. So stop giving. He's like, well, every time I've been around Jasmine, she's been very genuine and happy. And I was like, Brandon, shut the fuck up. Like, and I'm on Jasmine's side too. Like I appreciated that somebody was sticking up for Jasmine. But I'm like, I don't know you, sir. And so enough. Although he was stirring the pot. So that was good. We need someone like that. But LA is so spread out. The idea of having to drive 59 minutes to this cowboy party in Santa Clarita, in the most uncomfortable vibe to house. Jesse and Lacey are also there. And I mentioned that Schwartz brought a plant. So obviously, this was like fall time. You could tell it was fallish. Er, wait a minute, actually. Hold up. Okay, pull over if you're driving because I have questions. Because I'm just thinking about this. They filmed this show in the summertime, right? This show's filmed in the summer. Oh, it's always filmed in the summer. And did you guys notice that Brandon showed up with a pumpkin? You guys, Brandon was holding a pumpkin when he walked in. Schwartz had that biggest plant. And so I know that our eyes were on Brittany's cow print skirt and Schwartz's plant, but this was fall. And Brandon had a pumpkin in his hands that he was bringing to this event. Now, you can't even buy a pumpkin in the summertime. Is this all out of order? I feel like I'm just, I'm on to something. Cut. Got you, Bravo production. Got you, cut. This was out of order, I think, because we're only in episode three. We're only in episode three, so I feel like this happened at the end of filming. Because how else would Brandon get a pumpkin? Huh? Riddle me that, Bravo. Cut. Unless was it that they all film in this fall? I might be just making this up, but he did have a pumpkin. Because you know, I could spot a pumpkin from a mile away. I'm in autumn, so I know when there's a pumpkin afloat in my line of vision. I know when I, in the peripherals I could see a pumpkin from a mile away. You don't need to show me to the direction of a pumpkin patch, because I'll spot it. I got a fifth sense for that. My body can feel when there's a pumpkin nearby. If there's a PSL being poured somewhere, then guess what? I'm alert. And so there's no way that this was in the early summertime. This was out of order, I think. So I guess they could just put it out of order. I'm on to them. I'm on to those sneaky little sons of guns. I am on to those. Who's producing this? I'm on to it. They need to get back to the drawing board because I'm catching it left, right and center. If you've got enough pumpkin in your hands, and this is supposed to be filmed in the summer, absolutely not. Caught. Okay, so what are we even talking about? Jesse and Lacey, Brandon brought the pumpkin. Let's take one more quick break here and then we'll be right back. And we got to talk about the rest of this party. One more minute. Okay, bitch, let's gossip. Okay, what's going on with you first? All right, so we're at this cowboy party, and everyone says you only go to Santa Clarita to die. And I sort of agree, just the skyline bleaks me out. I'm not saying Santa Clarita's not a beautiful place, but this specific area of Santa Clarita does feel like Death Valley. Do they call it, isn't there somewhere called Death Valley? This feels spiritually. And having the four, I don't know, I felt very uncomfortable there. And, you know, with a baby now, we often think like, part of me thinks like, oh, could I move back to Ohio, like to be around family and, you know, my hometown and stuff like that. And I think like, that sounds nice. And sometimes I'm so used to now though, living in Los Angeles, where I lived in Chicago before here. And I'm used to kind of living in a city where you can get food late at night, or you can go out, or there's people around, or you hear noises outside. And you think like, well, that would be hard for me to live in a quieter place, even though that also sounds appealing to me now with kids. But there's nothing appealing about Santa Clarita to me. Like that, I'd rather live literally anywhere else. I don't know, I don't feel comfortable there. Only according to this show. I don't really know the area otherwise, but from all the vibes of that, the footage that we see, the drone footage, mm-mm, absolutely not. So then we have Zach and Brandon meeting. Zach's ready to give Brandon the business, because Brittany and him are together now. And so Brittany throws them some shots. She loves a shot, despite the fact that a doctor once told her on camera to stop taking them. Brittany, she does love a shot. We are seeing her take a hundred shots just this episode. And remember she had that ulcer? And the doctor's like, you probably shouldn't. Remember that on Vanapram Phrouze? The doctor was like, you shouldn't be. And she needs to get a new physician's team. A new, she needs to find a new PCD. A new doctor. And she just needs to figure out a whole new medical team because I don't feel comfortable with Brittany. Obviously she needs a doctor that's gonna sit her down and say, hey, stop taking the shots because you got the ulcer issues. Maybe she doesn't have the ulcer issue anymore. But even the plastic surgeon, I'm just like, she needs, I don't know what insurance she has, if she has, what she needs, if she's got a PPO, but maybe she needs to hop online and search for the doctor in their area that's different from the ones she has because she's always taking the shots. And I remember somebody telling her not to. And so maybe she needs a stronger doctor that's going to say, hey, absolutely not, she should be taking these. And then also a better physician that's going to tell her, I don't know, I don't know. Isn't there, there's HIPAA laws. I probably shouldn't be talking about someone's physical or doctor care. Moving on, Brandon tells Zach that they're official now. And Zach says Brittany needs to stop opening her heart and just open her legs. And that's advice for the HS. And that's something that everybody should, a warning, all should heed. Because if you're just getting out, if you're not even divorced from your husband, I know Brittany said a couple episodes ago, she's like, well, Jackson and I have been separated for a couple years or whatever. And I'm happy for her to move on. But Zach is right. Open the legs, not the heart. Because right now, Brittany, I just want her to just have some fun on the town. Because she's still dealing with that demon, Zach or Jax, who can't file the paperwork for the divorce. And she's got enough on her plate, and this man, Brandon, has got too many red flags. I don't think they're together in real time though. So that's good. Meanwhile, over sitting down, Lala and Michelle are eating ribs and barbecued chicken on the flimsiest plate. You guys, there's nothing worse than going to a picnic or a party. And look, they put a lot of effort. I saw her in nice charcuterie at this party. They had signage that said like, Cowboy, New Frontier, Wild Wild West. It was like we were entering Brittany's house. It was just a lot of signage everywhere about Cowboy stuff. And so they put a lot of money and effort into this party, this event. And yet they didn't put any money into the plates, into the dishware, the serverware. And if you're having something where you're serving ribs, barbecue ribs, barbecue chicken, I'm assuming there were side dishes. I didn't see what else they were serving other than the charcuterie. But you need the tougher, I'm not saying not get disposable plates, but you need the tougher disposable plates. And I am actually of the opinion that they shouldn't even be allowed to make those flimsy ones because the ones that Lala and Michelle were eating off of, those things, remember that game in the 90s? There was something called Don't Break the Ice where you put like a tissue and the commercial was like these three little kids and you'd have to pick these balls up with tweezers and you'd put them on this wet tissue and then whoever did it and the the balls went through the wet tissue. I had that game and it was like almost immediately when you'd wet that tissue, it would break open and so you couldn't play for very long because you put one little ball on there and it would be like, oh, I'm fucked. So whoever went first was fucked. Anyway, I think it was called Don't Break the Ice. But the point is, those plates that they were eating off of, it was like, don't break the ice. You might as well eat off of a wet tissue because there's no way that's, and then not only that, it's the worst to go to picnic and you're putting those flimsy plates on your knees. You don't even have to be a clumsy person for everything to go backwards and sideways. So I'd imagine Brittany left that party for instance, and she had that cow print on her skirt, and that thing was probably covered in barbecue sauce and sweet corn or whatever the fuck they were serving at this barbecue. Because that flimsy plate, you put it on your knees, and if you got one other thing, if your phone rings or you turn sideways or a gust of air comes in a breeze, I don't know what the breeze is like in Santa Clarita, but you get one little breeze in Santa Clarita, and then those ribs are toppling over from your flimsy ass plate. And so, I would just, it would behoove, it would behoove Nia and Danny, and I know Nia's got a lot on her plate, so Danny really needs to head on over to the Party City, or wherever the fuck you buy some better plates for this party. Party City's closed, I think, but order them online, whatever you got to fucking do. But Nia's got enough on her plate, she's going every two hours, and I bet you, I bet your bottom dollar that that dumbass Danny was the one in charge of buying that dinnerware. Nia probably was like, hey, can you at least go get ice? You know, the men, the bar's so low for these men that, you know, she was just like, can you at least go pick up a bag of ice? Because that's like the one thing that the men, I feel like the one thing that they can handle is like go getting a bag of ice. At least growing up, I always remember, I was like, can you get my mom out? Gary, go get the ice. Go get a bag of ice, Gary. So it was like go to the gas station, get a bag of ice. But I bet you, she was like, can you get a bag of ice and some paper plates? So he took that to heart and just got the flimsiest fucking paper plate you could find. He probably went to the aisle and was like, what's the cheapest paper plate? But I know Danny was behind that. I know Daniel was behind that. Can you just go get us some plates and some ice for the party and I'll take care of everything else? That's what Nia probably said. Danny comes back with those flimsiest fucking plates. I'm also mad at him. Give your wife a break. Give your wife a break and pick up some nicer plates. Because I can only imagine the way they all went home with barbecue sauce in their pants. I know it. I know it. Okay, what else is going on? Danny and Luke talk about Jason. Danny is mad at Luke now. Because Luke is just really playing the reality TV game. But also, if I'm led to believe that this happened later in the summer, I don't understand how this storyline makes sense then with Jason. So did they just not film together all summer? Because Brandon had a pumpkin. Maybe they started filming late. I could be wrong. Maybe they did this season late and it was all fall. I don't know. I'm just going off of the old seasons I thought were in the summertime. But maybe this one was fall. I don't know. The fuck do I know? I'm a dummy. I'm an idiot. Okay, so Brandon and Jasmine talk. Brandon's stirring the pot with Lacey there too. Brandon's talking about Michelle was also in the car talking about Jasmine. And Lacey's like, I'm not getting in the mix because Michelle and I are on our path to healing, or whatever she says. And then Jasmine tells the group, and Brittany gets mad at Brandon because Brittany's like, Brandon, I just left Jax and he loved to gossip and this is the same. And I just wrote my notes. Leave him, sis. I wrote that, Brittany. Leave him. Leave him. Zach sticks up for Lala and Brandon, though. And Lala says she was the one who brought it up in the car. And this is when Lala calls Brandon a rat. And Jasmine's now mad at Zach because Zach was sticking up for, and it's a big mess. And Brittany's over in the corner. She's like, now it's a big thing. Now it's a big thing.

Speaker 2:
[46:56] I told y'all I'm not good with names.

Speaker 1:
[46:58] I'm not good with names. I told y'all. Now it's a big thing. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Next time we get Schwartz, Michelle and Lala going to Singles Night. We also have a Guys Night, Luke and Kristen getting into it. I do love this show. I think because, look, everything going on in Summer House, which I'm loving Summer House. A lot of people are saying like Summer House is ruined now because of the West and Amanda stuff, but I find it so much more interesting because I'm watching the episodes and I'm like, oh, look it, we could see these weird things going on that were, I just, I don't know, it feels more like I'm an active participant in watching Summer House. Like I like it, but it is heavier. And so I sort of like having The Valley, which I never thought that Valley would be like the light airy show on Bravo. But it's like, yeah, The Valley is sort of the light airy show right now on Bravo. And I'm, I need it. And I need floppy shorts just kind of running around with plants. Brandon being a mess, Brittany date gnats. Like I'm not loving like the Luke and Danny of it all. And I bet you a lot of people have been pointing this out. So it's not like I'm the first one to say this, but I bet you the men are kind of pissed that Jax is off the show because it made them all look better. And now that Jax is off the show, it's like we're highlighting a lot of the shortcomings of these men that we wouldn't have seen otherwise because we would have been so focused on the other demon. And so that's interesting to me. But it's light and airy and fun and I don't know, I like The Valley. I find it, I don't know, am I sick? Am I sick for loving it? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Thank you all so much for listening. We'll be back next week with our summer house recaps and valley recaps. And thank you all so much for listening and have a great rest of your weekend or weekend or whatever time and space we are in.