transcript

Speaker 1:
[00:12] Hey, this is Redban, company live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 2:
[00:30] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 3:
[00:47] Hey, man, this is the best damn band in the land.

Speaker 2:
[00:50] Fernando Castillo, Raul Vajeo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzales, Nachos Bagrande, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Make some fucking noise for the band. Jon Deas on the keys, and this right here is DMadness, live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This episode of the world's number one live podcast is brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, PrizePix and Quo. What an amazing show we have for you. You guys excited to be here? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's show possible.

Speaker 4:
[01:43] Welcome to the end, everybody.

Speaker 5:
[01:44] It's a story telling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories.

Speaker 4:
[01:48] Into a toddler's face.

Speaker 2:
[01:50] Wild Face sometime.

Speaker 5:
[01:52] Regretful.

Speaker 1:
[01:53] Every STD.

Speaker 6:
[01:54] Horrible. I'm gonna you up.

Speaker 7:
[01:56] And Amazing Stories.

Speaker 8:
[01:57] We just got started.

Speaker 7:
[01:58] I'm gonna stop the terrorists.

Speaker 4:
[02:02] It's gonna be a good night. It's gonna kill us all.

Speaker 9:
[02:06] I should be in jail.

Speaker 1:
[02:08] Hey man, are you okay?

Speaker 5:
[02:11] I actually do well.

Speaker 10:
[02:12] You don't talk to me, okay?

Speaker 4:
[02:13] Uh, I am a disciple of the Lord. I thought this was fun!

Speaker 3:
[02:18] How did I get here?

Speaker 10:
[02:19] How did this happen?

Speaker 4:
[02:20] That's a good question.

Speaker 10:
[02:35] You guys ready to start the show?

Speaker 2:
[02:38] You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single episode I book. And this one is very, very special. Two of my favorite human beings on planet earth. One is one of the biggest comedians in the world. The other one of the biggest musicians in the world. Two of my favorite human beings, two of your favorite human beings. One has a brand new movie coming out this Friday. The other one just won a shit ton of Grammys, and every award humanly possible known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony. I present to you Theo Von and Jelly Roll.

Speaker 3:
[03:22] Oh my God.

Speaker 2:
[03:27] This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 3:
[03:30] Bust Boys out this Friday.

Speaker 2:
[03:41] It is going down, ladies and gentlemen. Theo Von's new movie Bust Boys out this Friday, April 17. Jelly Roll and I together are doing the Greek theater in Los Angeles, May 8, and he's here in Austin on April 23. How cool is that? We have some big plans for the future. Theo, you're the fucking man. Welcome back to Kill Tony.

Speaker 11:
[04:11] Yeah, thanks for having me. Nice to see everybody. Happy evening. Yeah, man, I'm excited to be here. And yeah, excited about the movie. The movie is coming out this week, so that's... That was something, yeah, so I'm definitely... I'm a little bit nervous, but I am excited, and that's what I'm doing.

Speaker 2:
[04:27] We are very excited to have you here. Go out and see the movie Busboys in theaters. If you do, more comedians like Theo will be able to make their own movies without the big giant studios and all this crap and people in the way, and it can happen more often. We'll get back to making real comedies that you can go see in movie theaters. Wouldn't that be great?

Speaker 11:
[04:47] Thank you, guys.

Speaker 1:
[04:48] Go, Theo, go!

Speaker 11:
[04:49] Yeah, we made it ourselves, so we'll see how it is, but... It's better than a lot of bad shit.

Speaker 2:
[04:56] That's right. Theo's been on the show numerous times. Jelly Roll has been a musical guest multiple times, but it's Jelly's first time on panel tonight, everybody. This is the first thing he's done since the Grammys.

Speaker 12:
[05:12] Yes, long time listener, first time caller.

Speaker 2:
[05:15] I love it. Well, let me just remind all of you, about 250 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. We're not going to get through all of them, but if we get through any one of them, they get 60 seconds on this stage to do attempt stand up comedy. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then also, eventually, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts their set. I conduct an interview. The entire thing is improvised. Anything could happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we're going to start the show with one of the regulars on the show. That means this young man has the very, very tough job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week on the show. Not easy at all. It scares a lot of people, the thought of that. And he does it and above and beyond every week. Starting off tonight's show, he's formerly the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Speaker 4:
[06:21] What's up, y'all? Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me, and they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No, nigga, you bought it. That's yours now. If I leave a dog outside and you adopt a dog, it's not on me to feed the dog, right? That's not America. That's your debt now. I know Sprint, nigga. I don't know you. I know Sarah and Sprint. Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting something on it. Jefferson Capital, I can't even Google y'all. I'm never gonna... What the... What kind of a stupid-ass company buy debt from other people? That's the same niggas that go online and they feed the homeless on HD cameras. What kind of shit... You think I'm gonna... I see Sprint commercials every day, and I go, oh, them, they'll never see it. I don't... How dare you come to me? Like, Jesus didn't even... When Jesus paid for our sins, that never sent me an e-mail being like, the adultery that you made last year. That's my time, I'm Dedrick Flynn.

Speaker 3:
[07:51] Wow. He's done it again.

Speaker 2:
[07:54] A brand new Minute 30. Working overtime, Dedrick Flynn. How fucking awesome is that?

Speaker 10:
[08:01] That is...

Speaker 2:
[08:03] You have another one. You never take a week off.

Speaker 4:
[08:06] Never.

Speaker 2:
[08:07] And you just keep doing it. Every time I bring you out, I get a little more nervous each time, and I have nothing to be afraid of.

Speaker 4:
[08:13] You got to let that shit go, Donnie. I don't duck no smoke. I want to come out here and rip every single time.

Speaker 2:
[08:20] I absolutely love it, Dedrick. Buying debt is something that happens, yet I've never heard anyone joke about it. Fantastic new material. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 4:
[08:31] I'm trying not to cry right now, my bad, Tony.

Speaker 13:
[08:34] Just...

Speaker 4:
[08:37] Nick.

Speaker 11:
[08:37] Black people love sweets.

Speaker 10:
[08:39] Yeah.

Speaker 1:
[08:40] We do.

Speaker 10:
[08:40] We do.

Speaker 4:
[08:44] Did you dye your hair?

Speaker 9:
[08:47] Oh.

Speaker 4:
[08:50] So, it looks like shit on purpose.

Speaker 1:
[08:52] All right. Come on.

Speaker 4:
[08:54] I'm not doing that. That's a joke. I don't roast.

Speaker 2:
[08:56] That's not me. Be nice, Dedrick. Be nice to the guest, Dedrick.

Speaker 4:
[08:58] I'm sorry.

Speaker 3:
[08:58] But, uh, Jelly...

Speaker 4:
[09:00] Jelly Roll, it mean a lot for me to see you tonight because you do songs, and one of my best friends that told me to start doing comedy, Teddy Swims, and we were both just two broke motherfuckers in Southside, Atlanta. He told me to start doing comedy. I told him to start doing a band, and now look at both of us. We live in our fucking dreams. The dad shit is crazy to me.

Speaker 12:
[09:20] Teddy is the homie homie too. I love you, Teddy, baby.

Speaker 4:
[09:23] Yeah, Teddy!

Speaker 2:
[09:27] How do you become friends with Teddy Swim since you can't?

Speaker 6:
[09:30] We...

Speaker 4:
[09:38] It's not my fault I can't. I just never had the opportunity when I wanted to learn. Because you only want to learn swimming at the early ages. After that, it's just drowning or not drowning.

Speaker 14:
[09:52] Right.

Speaker 4:
[09:53] And so that, but he wasn't swimming. He was just Teddy when we were growing up. It was always like Teddy and Deddy. Like, this is my homeboy. Because when I met him, he was Jayton. And then he went by Teddy, and it was always like Teddy and Deddy coming out. And like in the Southside, we were always like running around with the same crews and stuff like that. But he was just singing, like, just like open mic karaoke. And I was like, bro, you have the best voice I've ever heard in my life. You need to do something with it. And when I said that, he said, you're the funniest person I ever met. You need to do something with it. So that's honestly what kept me going through signing up for Kill Tony 39 times. It's just like the day I got picked, when I walked out of the Uber, they were playing loose control and I was crying and being like, if my best friend can make it, I can make it too. We drank the same water, we ate the same food, we fucking grubbing and it's just a beautiful fucking thing.

Speaker 2:
[10:40] Sounds like a Jelly Roll award acceptance speech happening.

Speaker 15:
[10:43] Testify, baby, testify.

Speaker 12:
[10:49] He gave us a little Jesus.

Speaker 4:
[10:50] Yeah, I'd give a lot more Jesus than that. I said we was in South Atlanta. We were sitting over there with nowhere to go.

Speaker 2:
[11:30] Dedrick, you got the show started yet again.

Speaker 3:
[11:33] Unbelievable work and it has begun.

Speaker 2:
[11:36] And now we begin the amazing adventure in to the bucket we go. This is where anything can happen. Could be the next great talent. Could be the next crazy person that signed up for the show without preparing.

Speaker 3:
[11:52] Anything can happen.

Speaker 2:
[11:53] Make some noise for your first bucket full of the night. Michael A.

Speaker 3:
[11:56] Keaton, everybody. Michael A. Keaton.

Speaker 16:
[12:03] You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman and have him hobble out here like the Penguin? Oh, man. It's an interesting life. So many people, they assume that they don't know what my politics are gonna be. They're like, look at this guy. He has to lean, right? Oh, man. You guys are fun. I became a homeowner recently.

Speaker 13:
[12:32] Yeah.

Speaker 16:
[12:32] Yeah, thank you. Thank you. It's a Rav4.

Speaker 13:
[12:37] Oh, man.

Speaker 16:
[12:38] I live in it, so it's more of a Rav4, okay? I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point. I think, like, my favorite candy now are cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavored Jolly Ranchers, you know? I've hit the point in my life where it's like, I'm pretty sure the only reason I masturbate is for prostate health, you know? Like, my partner walks in on me, he's like, what are you thinking about? I'm just sitting there like, cancer. All right, thank you.

Speaker 3:
[13:08] Hell yeah. Michael A.

Speaker 2:
[13:10] Keatson. This is your Kill Tony debut, correct?

Speaker 16:
[13:13] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[13:13] I'd remember if I'd seen you before. Theo, what do you think about this guy?

Speaker 11:
[13:16] Yeah, I think he's great. I think, sorry, that's just a reaction. Let me think what I... No, I think it's crazy to have a wooden leg and look like a guy who could make a wooden leg.

Speaker 2:
[13:29] Yeah, you do have cobbler energies. There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 16:
[13:32] Oh, man, thank you.

Speaker 2:
[13:34] What's your injury?

Speaker 16:
[13:36] Uh, a lot of them, actually.

Speaker 11:
[13:39] Okay.

Speaker 16:
[13:39] Like, you know, it's like I've got snap fashion, one foot, like, you know, like spinal injury, shoulder scarring, a bunch of things.

Speaker 2:
[13:47] How did this all happen to you?

Speaker 11:
[13:48] Were you in sports or something?

Speaker 16:
[13:50] I did heavy, heavy manual labor for a long time.

Speaker 2:
[13:53] What kind of manual labor?

Speaker 11:
[13:54] Probably building data centers.

Speaker 5:
[13:56] Absolutely.

Speaker 16:
[13:57] No, I, like, I threw mattresses for a while, and after that, like, I worked in a flour mill throwing flour bags and, like, whatever else they needed.

Speaker 4:
[14:05] Wow. Amazing.

Speaker 12:
[14:07] What?

Speaker 11:
[14:11] What were you at, a bakery? Who was asking you to do that? I'm sorry, Tony.

Speaker 2:
[14:17] No, it's good.

Speaker 11:
[14:17] Who was asking you to do that?

Speaker 16:
[14:19] Oh, like, whoever managed the flour mill.

Speaker 2:
[14:21] Your partner, Luigi?

Speaker 16:
[14:23] Yes. No, he was jumping around too much.

Speaker 7:
[14:27] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[14:28] How old are you?

Speaker 16:
[14:30] 41.

Speaker 2:
[14:30] 41.

Speaker 11:
[14:31] You look great, man.

Speaker 16:
[14:32] Thank you.

Speaker 2:
[14:33] Yeah. Um, what do you do now?

Speaker 16:
[14:36] Uh, I limp. All right. Like, I'm on a disability.

Speaker 2:
[14:41] Okay.

Speaker 11:
[14:42] Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 2:
[14:43] How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 11:
[14:45] You know that shit, bro. How many people... How many people in your neighborhood was getting that wobble check? bro. They used to tape one of my buddy's eyes closed till it didn't work, and then they got that check on it, bro. Everybody was getting that dummy check.

Speaker 12:
[15:06] And he could have just threw flower bags.

Speaker 11:
[15:10] Sorry. Carry on.

Speaker 16:
[15:11] But yeah. But yeah, about six years.

Speaker 2:
[15:14] About six years? You've been doing stand-up where at?

Speaker 16:
[15:16] Kansas City.

Speaker 2:
[15:18] Okay. That's where you live?

Speaker 16:
[15:19] Yep.

Speaker 2:
[15:19] What made you set up camp in Kansas City?

Speaker 16:
[15:22] Uh, I was born and raised. Yeah, it's...

Speaker 2:
[15:25] Okay. You have family there still?

Speaker 16:
[15:27] Absolutely. Yes.

Speaker 2:
[15:28] Your family loves you?

Speaker 16:
[15:30] Uh, I hope.

Speaker 2:
[15:31] What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 16:
[15:33] Uh, I'm white.

Speaker 2:
[15:34] And what made them name you Michael if your last name's Keaton? Did they just think it was funny or something?

Speaker 16:
[15:41] I was born before that guy was famous. That's not even his real name. His real name is Michael Douglas.

Speaker 2:
[15:48] And he's 41? You're 41?

Speaker 16:
[15:49] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[15:50] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[15:51] Uh, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[15:53] Yeah, Mr. Mom was out, right?

Speaker 14:
[15:55] Mr. Mom, yeah. It was a huge movie.

Speaker 2:
[15:56] Yeah, your parents are fucking with you. Michael Keaton was one of the most famous people exactly when you were born.

Speaker 12:
[16:05] Right?

Speaker 16:
[16:08] They don't exactly have their thumb on the pulse, man.

Speaker 12:
[16:11] Right.

Speaker 2:
[16:11] Okay.

Speaker 12:
[16:12] All right.

Speaker 2:
[16:13] So what do you do for fun, Michael A. Keaton? Do you have any hobbies? You look like the kind of guy that has a wild collection of denim hats or something like that.

Speaker 16:
[16:21] I can only afford the one. No, I like pretty much at this point, it's just stand up. Like I did music for a long time, but I've got nerve damage in my hand, so I had to give that up.

Speaker 2:
[16:30] You were playing guitar or whatever?

Speaker 16:
[16:32] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[16:32] So what did you sing when you did music as well?

Speaker 16:
[16:35] No, no, no. Like I have terrible anxieties. Like coming to the microphone is like a big deal for me.

Speaker 11:
[16:43] How much nerve damage you got?

Speaker 2:
[16:46] Good question.

Speaker 11:
[16:47] Everybody's wondering. I'm going to ask it. Like can you shuffle cards or whatever? How much are you talking?

Speaker 16:
[16:53] Oh, I don't. Like enough I had to quit playing. It was, yeah.

Speaker 11:
[17:00] I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 16:
[17:01] Yeah, it's fine. Like this is way more fun.

Speaker 11:
[17:04] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[17:04] What can you do that you're grateful that you can still do?

Speaker 11:
[17:07] Yeah, that's a good question.

Speaker 10:
[17:10] Eat.

Speaker 2:
[17:11] Okay.

Speaker 11:
[17:12] Yeah, it is. Oh, another eatin disabled person, huh?

Speaker 9:
[17:15] Hell yeah.

Speaker 2:
[17:19] So how'd you end up in Austin, Texas tonight? You come down for this or like?

Speaker 16:
[17:24] Yeah, like there's only so much opportunity in Kansas City. It's like, you know, I came down to like, you know, check out the scene. I really like the people here.

Speaker 2:
[17:31] Did you drive or take a bus?

Speaker 16:
[17:33] I live in a car.

Speaker 2:
[17:35] You live in a car?

Speaker 16:
[17:35] Yeah, yeah, the Rab-4 thing was real.

Speaker 13:
[17:38] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[17:40] Amazing. Well, that's fun. You sleep in the back seat or do you tilt back the driver's seat?

Speaker 16:
[17:45] I built a bed in the back.

Speaker 2:
[17:46] Wow, look at you.

Speaker 8:
[17:48] Fuck Palace.

Speaker 2:
[17:50] You ever bring a girl back to the Rab-4?

Speaker 16:
[17:52] Oh, it would destroy it.

Speaker 8:
[17:55] It would what?

Speaker 16:
[17:55] It would destroy it.

Speaker 12:
[17:58] Well, it depends on how big she is. Yeah.

Speaker 16:
[18:01] I'm big enough.

Speaker 12:
[18:04] Fair.

Speaker 17:
[18:04] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[18:06] And do you lay in there? If you ever lay in there and listen to Jelly Roll, you listen to some Jelly Roll up in there, you know.

Speaker 1:
[18:11] Well, that was the question I had.

Speaker 12:
[18:12] Do you know any Tech N9ne songs?

Speaker 16:
[18:14] Yeah, like I'm a big fan of your songs.

Speaker 12:
[18:17] So if I go KC Mo.

Speaker 1:
[18:20] Oh.

Speaker 12:
[18:21] Respect. All right, I with a lot of respect.

Speaker 2:
[18:24] Just short enough of a song that we don't get dinged by YouTube. Perfect. Michael A. Keaton, Fun Times. You did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke, but congratulations. Michael A.

Speaker 3:
[18:39] Keaton, ladies and gentlemen. And we're gonna keep it moving along.

Speaker 14:
[18:44] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[18:47] There's the lovely Heidi and Val, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. It's gonna be the most watched part of the episode right there. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, their podcast, Love on the Line, available at heidiorgina.com. And the show goes on. Hello, there, dear friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying. So much work goes into everything and anything that you're not entirely sure it will work out. I mean, look at this show. And it can be a leap of faith to start something crazy. I mean, when I started this podcast, I was thinking, what if no one listens? What if I make a fool out of myself? Now I know that I was right about all that, because that has happened and it can happen to you. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side to help. Redban.

Speaker 14:
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Speaker 2:
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Speaker 14:
[20:28] Yee-hoo!

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 14:
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Speaker 10:
[21:21] Yee-hoo!

Speaker 2:
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Speaker 17:
[21:49] Thank you. Oh my god, did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on Sixth Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat? So I am originally, I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah. I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says, no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know that same sign in the Middle East reads, no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay, because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Spheres in my head and it won't go. I got guns. And then another sign right under that, that reads, not responsible for lost limbs. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Oh, you missed the stone. Oh, you missed me.

Speaker 2:
[22:56] All right, Sherry Vicenchi. Welcome back, Sherry.

Speaker 3:
[23:01] Theo?

Speaker 11:
[23:02] Yeah, you know, I was wondering what had happened at MIA. You look lovely, and, uh, I, yeah, I, um, I like a lot of the stuff, and, um... Yeah, and I am, I am honestly tickled to see you.

Speaker 3:
[23:23] That's amazing.

Speaker 2:
[23:24] Sherry, remind us, how long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 17:
[23:27] This may well be three years.

Speaker 2:
[23:29] Three years. And you are Iranian, correct?

Speaker 17:
[23:32] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[23:32] So how do you feel about everything that's happening here? How do you feel about that?

Speaker 11:
[23:37] And let's be honest here, Sherry, let's get honest.

Speaker 2:
[23:39] Yeah, Sherry, tell us the truth. How do you feel about us lighting up your country?

Speaker 17:
[23:45] Well, I think they're doing it for the freedom.

Speaker 2:
[23:48] That is true. That's what we'd say.

Speaker 17:
[23:49] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 11:
[23:50] But does it feel like that's what's happening? Or does it feel like, what's happening now?

Speaker 17:
[23:55] It's flowing up in my ass now. It's for the right reasons. And I think there's always going to be casualty when, you know, you're trying to do this. This is 47 years in the making. So I'm excited for the freedom that's about to come.

Speaker 2:
[24:08] Yes, without a doubt. See, that's what happens when you check in with a real Iranian instead of the local news. Right. And you visited there, you go there sometimes?

Speaker 17:
[24:21] My immediate family is here after my mom passed away. I just no longer had a reason to go back.

Speaker 2:
[24:26] Right. How did your mom pass away?

Speaker 17:
[24:28] No, my grandma. My mom is here. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[24:30] Okay.

Speaker 11:
[24:31] Who killed her, you're saying? If it's Israel, it's Israel.

Speaker 17:
[24:39] My mom's alive.

Speaker 11:
[24:41] She's still alive?

Speaker 17:
[24:42] My mom is.

Speaker 2:
[24:42] Grandma. We're asking about grandma. She died natural causes.

Speaker 17:
[24:45] Natural causes, yeah.

Speaker 11:
[24:46] I am sitting down.

Speaker 2:
[24:53] Okay. So Sherry, where do you live now, Austin?

Speaker 17:
[24:56] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[24:57] And you just do stand up for a living or?

Speaker 17:
[24:59] I'm not doing it for a living, but I would love to.

Speaker 2:
[25:02] But so how, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 17:
[25:04] I do paralegal work from home.

Speaker 2:
[25:06] Okay.

Speaker 17:
[25:07] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[25:07] Very cool.

Speaker 17:
[25:08] It's very convenient.

Speaker 2:
[25:09] Paralegal.

Speaker 17:
[25:10] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[25:10] Par-airplanes hit our towers a few years ago from people like you. I'm guilty as charged. Remember that? I love it. Sherry, what do you do for fun? Tell us all what you do for fun.

Speaker 17:
[25:23] Not much. I mean, I need to put myself out there and start dating, but just keep.

Speaker 2:
[25:27] You are an Iranian mountain cougar, a very rare bird.

Speaker 17:
[25:30] That's right. I like tall white younger men.

Speaker 2:
[25:33] You like younger men, right? Yeah. Whoa.

Speaker 18:
[25:37] Whoa there.

Speaker 17:
[25:39] But I did just recently join a Middle Eastern dating app. Yeah, it's called...

Speaker 15:
[25:44] Uh-oh.

Speaker 17:
[25:45] Guess who?

Speaker 2:
[25:50] Amazing. You're adorable, Sherry. Last date you went on, what was that like? What? The last date that you went on. Last time you hung out with a man. Last time you let someone into your sandpit.

Speaker 17:
[26:07] It was weird. We had interest, then we kissed, and then I kind of waited and waited, and he waited, and it feels like the interest just kind of dissipated. Like, if you don't move on it, there's a window that opens, and then it closes, so you got to move fast.

Speaker 2:
[26:22] Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 17:
[26:24] And this bitch is old, so I didn't move fast enough.

Speaker 11:
[26:28] That's okay.

Speaker 17:
[26:33] What are you saying?

Speaker 11:
[26:34] I'm saying that's okay. You're fine. He's probably fine wherever he is. I don't know. him, to be honest with you. But he's probably a great guy.

Speaker 17:
[26:45] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[26:46] So I'm going to sit back down.

Speaker 2:
[26:49] Where did you guys make out at? In a car? At your place?

Speaker 17:
[26:52] No, just whatever show that we were doing at the end. We kissed and stuff. Then we kissed again. Sometimes we kiss.

Speaker 8:
[26:59] Okay.

Speaker 17:
[27:00] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[27:01] Look at that.

Speaker 17:
[27:01] That's good.

Speaker 2:
[27:02] Incredible. Absolutely. Sherry, any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting?

Speaker 17:
[27:13] They're digging and digging, there's just not much.

Speaker 2:
[27:14] What's the craziest thing you have in your refrigerator?

Speaker 17:
[27:17] What's the greatest thing?

Speaker 2:
[27:18] Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator that we would find odd. Like me, right now, at this very moment, I have pickled carrots, pickled jalapenos, pickled pickles. There's a pickling guy at the local farmer's market, and I have a lot of pickled things in my fridge, an odd amount of pickled things. Now it's your turn.

Speaker 17:
[27:40] Soy chicken.

Speaker 2:
[27:41] Ooh.

Speaker 12:
[27:42] Wow.

Speaker 17:
[27:42] It's good.

Speaker 2:
[27:43] Soy sauce on chicken? Let's check in with our senior refrigerator correspondent, Jelly Roll.

Speaker 17:
[27:48] Fake?

Speaker 12:
[27:49] Did you say soy chicken or soul chicken?

Speaker 17:
[27:51] No, soy chicken, like fake chicken, just like my orgasm.

Speaker 5:
[27:54] I thought you said soul chicken.

Speaker 11:
[27:55] I thought you said sword chicken.

Speaker 5:
[27:57] I thought she said soul.

Speaker 11:
[27:58] Like sword fish.

Speaker 17:
[27:58] No, soy.

Speaker 12:
[28:00] What's your...

Speaker 2:
[28:00] All chicken is soul chicken, right? Right.

Speaker 4:
[28:04] What...

Speaker 12:
[28:06] All right. What's your favorite kind of music?

Speaker 17:
[28:10] My favorite kind of what?

Speaker 12:
[28:11] Music.

Speaker 17:
[28:12] Music? Oh, house music.

Speaker 3:
[28:14] Whoa, look at that. Whoa.

Speaker 10:
[28:18] Yeah.

Speaker 3:
[28:19] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[28:20] Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 3:
[28:25] All right, that's enough. Okay, that's enough.

Speaker 2:
[28:28] That's enough. Sherry, fun times. You did good. You're leaving here with a brown jokebook, just like you. Boom.

Speaker 3:
[28:36] Whoa, good catch, Sherry.

Speaker 2:
[28:38] Thank you.

Speaker 3:
[28:39] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[28:41] She made eye contact with me on that catch. Theo. Theo's a sweet boy. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's Ethan Griggs, everybody. Ethan Griggs. All right.

Speaker 6:
[29:03] Whoo. How we doing? Man. At the end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about it is, if you know anything about farmers, the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and achieve farm labor. Well, I was the only child in a fuck-up at that, so when my dad died, that's why the farm failed, and now I'm out here doing comedy fucking that up, too. It's crazy, though, we were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing, I used to buy my dad porn, so I've already seen a third of this collection, and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection. I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing. Like, can't even raise my hand because it's busy. Like, shit. I'm gonna tell you what, though, I don't... I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy, though, man. I had a very untraumatic childhood. Like, I didn't get molested because I wasn't in the church or the Scouts, and the only relative that might have molested me was two busy fucking goats to give me the time of day. I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor would I want to. I guess that's my time. I heard a little meow, so...

Speaker 2:
[30:17] All right.

Speaker 6:
[30:18] Right on.

Speaker 2:
[30:19] Our second preacher of the night, Ethan Gregg.

Speaker 6:
[30:22] Exactly.

Speaker 2:
[30:23] Welcome, Ethan.

Speaker 6:
[30:24] Is this really Jelly Roll?

Speaker 1:
[30:25] Holy shit, man.

Speaker 6:
[30:27] Hey, nice to meet you.

Speaker 12:
[30:28] I felt the same way when you walked up. I was like, my people are here.

Speaker 4:
[30:31] Hell, yeah, dog.

Speaker 12:
[30:32] And then you started talking about being poor and drug addiction. I was like, this is my kind of guy.

Speaker 4:
[30:37] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 12:
[30:37] And then you said you bought your dad porn and I was out.

Speaker 2:
[30:43] Fuck, yeah. Good to meet you, sir.

Speaker 12:
[30:44] Killer said.

Speaker 6:
[30:45] Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.

Speaker 2:
[30:46] Ethan, welcome. Where is Cattle Mills, Texas?

Speaker 6:
[30:49] It's about an hour northeast of Dallas.

Speaker 2:
[30:51] How long you been trying stand up?

Speaker 6:
[30:54] Collectively, five years, like I did it a little bit before the pandemic and I got back into it about 2023, started taking it seriously and so now I'm here, I guess.

Speaker 11:
[31:03] Theo. Yeah, you look great. I like, I'm happy to see you.

Speaker 6:
[31:06] Oh, thank you. Oh shit, Theo Von's here too. Motherfucker.

Speaker 5:
[31:09] I was right here.

Speaker 11:
[31:12] Damn, you really are dumb, dude.

Speaker 1:
[31:14] I am.

Speaker 2:
[31:17] I've never seen nobody before in cattle mills. I'm not used to seeing nobody of any status whatsoever. I'm not.

Speaker 1:
[31:24] Shit.

Speaker 2:
[31:25] Nobody molests me. I don't get to see celebrities. What do you do for work?

Speaker 11:
[31:31] How long? I'll tell you what he does. He's a sorcerer. He's a freaking, he's a rural business man. He looks like he sells used karma.

Speaker 1:
[31:39] It's pretty much close. Very close.

Speaker 6:
[31:41] I work at a Circle K, actually.

Speaker 11:
[31:43] Do you really? Yeah. yeah. I love it there.

Speaker 3:
[31:45] Hell yeah.

Speaker 6:
[31:47] You look like the kind of customer that would come in at a Circle K.

Speaker 11:
[31:49] Yeah. We used to spend time in that bitch. We wouldn't just come in and just do our shit and dip. We would come in and spend time with you.

Speaker 6:
[31:56] No, no, most people do. Most people just don't know how to fucking leave. Like, they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work the coffee machine.

Speaker 12:
[32:02] Do they hang out in the parking lot, too?

Speaker 6:
[32:04] Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Well, the other night, somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit. It me all kinds of up. I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's like, why the hell y'all put this shit out in the front? You know, any motherfucker can touch it.

Speaker 11:
[32:15] And they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there, too.

Speaker 6:
[32:18] They do. No, I almost saw a bunk fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person. It was crazy.

Speaker 2:
[32:24] They have trans in Cattle Mills, Texas?

Speaker 6:
[32:27] No, this is in Austin.

Speaker 11:
[32:28] Oh, okay.

Speaker 6:
[32:28] I've been in Austin for over nine years. No, they didn't have that shit in Cattle Mills.

Speaker 11:
[32:32] I'm talking about gays, bro. I ain't talking about all these remodels.

Speaker 6:
[32:37] Shit, that's all the same to me, shit. I don't know. Fuck.

Speaker 11:
[32:39] Oh, bro, you don't even fucking know he was here, bro. You know shit, bro. You could be two inches from a cow.

Speaker 6:
[32:45] I couldn't believe it. Hey, there's so many Vicar-like celebrities in this city.

Speaker 11:
[32:48] That's just some long pussy.

Speaker 6:
[32:49] I never know.

Speaker 11:
[32:52] Hell yeah. No, man, I'm just joking with you, and it's nice to see you. And yeah, they got a lot of gay dudes out there trying to get that fucking fake CPR out there.

Speaker 6:
[33:01] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:
[33:03] That's true.

Speaker 6:
[33:03] It's crazy. It's rough out here.

Speaker 2:
[33:06] So what did you do for work before the Circle K?

Speaker 6:
[33:09] I worked at a television station.

Speaker 2:
[33:11] Wow.

Speaker 6:
[33:12] CBS and Telemundo.

Speaker 2:
[33:13] Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 6:
[33:14] Yeah, I just recently quit that job this month, and I tried to do a sales job, and I sucked at that, and so I decided to quit that and then just do Circle K.

Speaker 2:
[33:24] Circle K.

Speaker 6:
[33:25] And then now I deliver laundry, too. Yeah. So I got all kinds of whatever makes money. I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[33:30] What do your parents and cattle mills do for work when they're not proposing for a picture with a pitchfork in front of the house?

Speaker 6:
[33:37] Yeah, my dad's dead.

Speaker 2:
[33:38] Yeah.

Speaker 12:
[33:40] My dad's dead, too, Theo.

Speaker 2:
[33:43] My dad's alive. Had a heart attack last week, but he's good.

Speaker 14:
[33:46] My dad's cool. He's cool.

Speaker 6:
[33:48] And my mom, I don't really know what she does. Something with insurance. I don't exactly know what the fuck. She works from home, so she wasn't a farmer, though.

Speaker 11:
[33:54] She's a good woman, though.

Speaker 6:
[33:55] Oh, yeah. She's great. Yeah. She'll be down here this weekend, so for Easter.

Speaker 11:
[33:59] What y'all gonna do? Y'all gonna celebrate? Go out to dinner? Go out to lunch or something?

Speaker 6:
[34:02] She gonna cook for my adopted family and shit, my homegirl Carly, who I live with and shit, so.

Speaker 11:
[34:08] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[34:08] Say homegirl. What exactly do you mean?

Speaker 6:
[34:11] That's just because we're white and we sound black. I don't know what to say.

Speaker 2:
[34:15] Yeah.

Speaker 12:
[34:15] How old are you? I'm guessing 27 to 52.

Speaker 2:
[34:18] Yeah, there's somewhere.

Speaker 12:
[34:19] You know what?

Speaker 6:
[34:20] You're right on the money. I'm 34.

Speaker 12:
[34:21] Dope.

Speaker 6:
[34:22] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[34:23] Amazing. So the homegirl is your girlfriend?

Speaker 6:
[34:27] No, she's my friend. My landlady, too. My sister from a different mister, you know.

Speaker 2:
[34:33] You live with your landlady?

Speaker 6:
[34:35] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[34:35] But you're not banging?

Speaker 6:
[34:36] No.

Speaker 2:
[34:37] But the lady that you are banging is coming to town and cooking for you?

Speaker 6:
[34:39] No, that's my mother. I ain't that. Hey, I'm from the country. I ain't inbred like that. Shit.

Speaker 11:
[34:44] But you go for some of that dark meat, huh?

Speaker 6:
[34:46] Oh, I do. Yeah, I like my winter. I like my trucks, large and black.

Speaker 2:
[34:49] Really? Is that true?

Speaker 6:
[34:50] I ain't a real lady unless she 280.

Speaker 11:
[34:52] You go walking in the dark, huh?

Speaker 19:
[34:54] Hell yeah.

Speaker 6:
[34:55] Hell yeah. I like that.

Speaker 2:
[34:57] Very surprising. How many black women do you think you've been with?

Speaker 6:
[35:00] I lost my virginity to a black woman.

Speaker 2:
[35:02] Wow. Where was that at?

Speaker 6:
[35:04] Cattle mills, ironically enough.

Speaker 2:
[35:06] Cattle mills.

Speaker 11:
[35:07] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[35:07] Where in cattle mills exactly?

Speaker 6:
[35:09] I mean, it's just a small town, so it's just, you know, at a neighbor's house.

Speaker 11:
[35:12] Okay. I thought you said general mills.

Speaker 18:
[35:15] General mills?

Speaker 1:
[35:18] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[35:19] No, cattle. C-A-D-D-O, like the Indians.

Speaker 11:
[35:21] Cattle.

Speaker 6:
[35:22] See, a lot of people think I say cattle because I don't know how to fucking talk either.

Speaker 11:
[35:26] Fuck, man, they're lying. They're not lying, but they are. They don't know what they're talking about.

Speaker 6:
[35:31] Yeah. That's true.

Speaker 2:
[35:34] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 6:
[35:34] Right on.

Speaker 2:
[35:35] Ethan, anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here?

Speaker 6:
[35:39] Ah, shit, I don't know. We'd be here all night if I tell you all the crazy shit that I've done.

Speaker 2:
[35:42] How about anything?

Speaker 6:
[35:43] Anything?

Speaker 2:
[35:44] One thing.

Speaker 6:
[35:45] One thing. Fuck.

Speaker 12:
[35:46] Ever been to jail?

Speaker 6:
[35:47] I have once. I got a DWI back in December, so...

Speaker 14:
[35:51] Like four months ago.

Speaker 1:
[35:52] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[35:54] All right.

Speaker 11:
[35:55] Back in 1980, December.

Speaker 6:
[35:59] Not my proudest moment, but I'm dealing with it.

Speaker 11:
[36:01] Whose fault was it? Was it yours or was it someone else's?

Speaker 6:
[36:03] It was mine. Yeah, I was blackout drunk. I don't remember most of it.

Speaker 2:
[36:07] What happened?

Speaker 6:
[36:09] Like I said, I don't remember leaving my buddy's house to waking up in a hospital bed cuffed to it, but luckily nobody was hurt.

Speaker 2:
[36:15] What did you wreck into?

Speaker 6:
[36:17] Two-part cars.

Speaker 4:
[36:19] Wow.

Speaker 11:
[36:19] Oh, yeah. One for the plug and one for the load.

Speaker 4:
[36:22] Right.

Speaker 11:
[36:22] Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[36:23] That's what it was.

Speaker 12:
[36:24] Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 11:
[36:28] Dude, I'll tell you this, bro. One time...

Speaker 3:
[36:31] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[36:32] Sorry. No, go for it. Let's do it.

Speaker 11:
[36:34] I'm leaving this bar, and I was driving a Honda Accord or whatever, because I was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever. And anyway, I go get in my car. There's a cop car right next to it. I go get in it. And then I'm looking in there. I'm like, there's a baby seat in my car. And I'm like thinking, oh, somebody snuck in here with their baby, right? I got in the wrong car. There's a cop right next to me in his car. He's kind of looking over at me. And now I'm like trying to... I can't start this car. This is fucking not mine.

Speaker 6:
[37:01] Damn.

Speaker 11:
[37:02] So I had to pop the hood, dude. This cop's looking under the hood with me of somebody else's fucking car.

Speaker 6:
[37:07] Damn. And I thought my shit was bad.

Speaker 11:
[37:10] The dude came out, he's like, what the fuck y'all doing? And I was like, I'm just helping this officer.

Speaker 9:
[37:16] And they walked in, yeah.

Speaker 11:
[37:18] So that's what I'm saying, BLM, homie.

Speaker 2:
[37:21] That's right.

Speaker 6:
[37:22] Hell yeah.

Speaker 2:
[37:22] That's right.

Speaker 6:
[37:24] Thank you.

Speaker 2:
[37:26] Ethan Griggs, you're leaving here with a medium joke, but congratulations.

Speaker 6:
[37:29] Thank you very much.

Speaker 2:
[37:30] Ethan Griggs, everybody. All right. Theo, you don't have to get up for all these people. It's like... But I ain't never seen nothing like this before. Theo, Jelly Roll, good night everybody. Oh shit. Look at that. People are gonna be like, wow, Theo Jelly Roll and Woody Harrelson's gay son were all in the same place at the same time. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening? Talk about time consuming. Well, if you're hiring, here's good news. You can now review all of these resumes and applications faster thanks to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter has a new feature that instantly shows you the most interested qualified candidates first. And today you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com/killtonyredban.

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Speaker 12:
[39:06] Yee-hoo!

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Speaker 9:
[40:44] What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now. But it should be good, because I don't have autism, because I've never been tested. And I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of. But my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part time. It's not weekends hit the club Monday, back to puzzles. I did try to get tested too, when I was in Canada, where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they phoned me back. They're like, sorry, sir, the wait time is seven years. I was like, what the? To find out if I have autism, seven years? No, that's 3,461 days.

Speaker 1:
[41:48] No, no, I can't do that.

Speaker 9:
[41:51] That's a Tuesday. No, Tuesday is when the train comes.

Speaker 20:
[41:57] That's why I said, thank you guys.

Speaker 3:
[41:59] Unbelievable. Charles Paycock, welcome, welcome, my friend.

Speaker 2:
[42:04] What a rock star you are. How long you been doing stand up?

Speaker 9:
[42:07] I've been doing it for 12 years.

Speaker 2:
[42:09] Fuck yeah, man. Where at?

Speaker 9:
[42:11] Canada and Edmonton and Alberta.

Speaker 2:
[42:13] Okay, hell yeah.

Speaker 16:
[42:15] Oh, look at that.

Speaker 11:
[42:17] Dude, what's your name? Have we ever met before?

Speaker 9:
[42:19] No, dude, I've never met you. My name is Charles.

Speaker 11:
[42:21] Charles Theo.

Speaker 9:
[42:22] It's a pleasure.

Speaker 11:
[42:23] Thanks, yeah, I thought maybe I'd met you before because I used to do a lot of shows up there and I thought maybe we had met one time.

Speaker 9:
[42:27] Oh, okay, cool. You meet a lot of guys like me?

Speaker 11:
[42:43] Bro, I'm not even gay, dude. Okay? I am a guy who likes women, dude. You should see some of the drawings in my diary.

Speaker 9:
[42:56] I'm flattered, that's all, you know?

Speaker 11:
[42:58] No, I thought that we had met before, though. I'm 100% serious with you. I thought we had met once.

Speaker 9:
[43:03] Oh, okay, okay, well.

Speaker 11:
[43:04] So good to see you.

Speaker 2:
[43:05] All right, okay, very good. One note redban.

Speaker 11:
[43:09] Be honest, though, if you was gay, bro, because we don't know.

Speaker 3:
[43:13] Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 11:
[43:15] Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin over here?

Speaker 2:
[43:19] I mean, well, we're like, I think we're both bottoms, so like those batteries don't go that way, you know what I mean? They have to go along the same way.

Speaker 9:
[43:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't have two super gay guys.

Speaker 12:
[43:29] Nevermind, dude.

Speaker 7:
[43:31] Whatever, dude.

Speaker 1:
[43:33] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[43:34] I love it. Charles, tell us about your life up in Canada.

Speaker 9:
[43:39] My life in Canada? Well, shit, I moved to Texas this last year.

Speaker 2:
[43:42] Oh, nice. Congratulations.

Speaker 9:
[43:44] Thank you, sir.

Speaker 2:
[43:44] You got citizenship and everything?

Speaker 9:
[43:46] No, I do not, but I have papers. I do have papers.

Speaker 2:
[43:49] Okay.

Speaker 9:
[43:50] I'm hoping to get permanent papers later, but...

Speaker 2:
[43:52] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[43:53] Canada is a good time, and I finally started dating a female girl. Nice.

Speaker 2:
[44:00] Tell us about that. How's that going?

Speaker 9:
[44:02] It's going good. I had a dry spell for like nine years.

Speaker 11:
[44:05] Whoa.

Speaker 2:
[44:06] That's very dry.

Speaker 9:
[44:07] Yeah, and it was rough. Like, the only girl I had a crush on during that was... I met an Amish girl, and the only place you can find them is, like, when they're selling furniture, and then she was great, but...

Speaker 11:
[44:23] Getting their drawers, huh?

Speaker 2:
[44:24] Sorry.

Speaker 11:
[44:27] And that's not even a real joke. I just read that somewhere on the fly in the back of my brain, and I was like, who wrote this, some... Yeah. F*** it or whatever.

Speaker 12:
[44:38] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[44:41] Anyway, carry on. I'm sorry, dude. I'm honestly interrupting you, and it's not very nice.

Speaker 2:
[44:45] It's great.

Speaker 11:
[44:45] And I am sorry.

Speaker 2:
[44:46] It's great.

Speaker 11:
[44:47] We love this.

Speaker 9:
[44:47] Yeah. I had to pretend that, you know, I was interested in their $17,000 drawers, but the Amish, they're pretty pricey. But, and then I waited nine years, and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her, but...

Speaker 2:
[45:03] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 9:
[45:04] She's a...

Speaker 11:
[45:06] And what was it about the Amish that was bringing you over there? Can I ask him that?

Speaker 2:
[45:08] Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 11:
[45:10] What was it about? Have you seen a lot of Amish? I haven't seen that many Amish before. I've met Amish, I've met probably maybe 11 Amish people in my whole life.

Speaker 9:
[45:16] Okay, okay.

Speaker 12:
[45:17] You podcasted with two of them, I think.

Speaker 2:
[45:18] Yeah, exactly. I've seen clips of that one.

Speaker 9:
[45:22] How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit?

Speaker 12:
[45:25] Well, they wouldn't know, I don't reckon.

Speaker 11:
[45:27] Yeah.

Speaker 7:
[45:28] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[45:28] They wouldn't find out.

Speaker 7:
[45:30] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[45:30] Okay, okay.

Speaker 11:
[45:31] They just think they're just talking in like a weird shape or something.

Speaker 7:
[45:34] Yeah.

Speaker 9:
[45:36] But don't you feel like you're swiling their existence a little bit by exposing them to the world?

Speaker 12:
[45:41] You were trying to fuck one.

Speaker 9:
[45:43] Yeah, dude.

Speaker 4:
[45:45] Bro, you don't shame Theo.

Speaker 16:
[45:47] Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[45:48] Don't furniture shame me, dude. You're over here playing Let's Hide in the Back of Narnia Closet or whatever. Let me take you to see my lion. Let me show you that pants ad nan or whatever.

Speaker 2:
[46:04] Did you make an attempt? What was the best attempt you made at hooking up with the Amish girl?

Speaker 9:
[46:08] Yeah, I was scared off of me because I was talking to her and I made her laugh and then like four of her dad showed up immediately.

Speaker 3:
[46:15] Oh, shit.

Speaker 9:
[46:16] They have so many dads and they looked at me like there's no fucking chance.

Speaker 3:
[46:21] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 9:
[46:22] So I got the heck out of there.

Speaker 14:
[46:24] You can only fuck them during Rumpel Springer or whatever it's called.

Speaker 2:
[46:28] There's Redban, everybody, if you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpel Spring, everyone. There's some degenerates in the crowd, some diehard Redban fans. There you go. Rumpel Spring, everybody. It's your Doritos joke of the night, everyone. Amazing, Charles. To what else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life.

Speaker 9:
[46:53] Well, I still in Canada to make money. I go and I have a yo-yo company.

Speaker 2:
[46:58] I knew there was something. See, Theo, you looked at me funny there, but it's got a yo-yo company.

Speaker 11:
[47:03] You were right.

Speaker 9:
[47:09] We just got canceled recently, though, so we're not making money this year.

Speaker 2:
[47:13] Oh, no. Well, that company, probably I'd imagine that industry has a lot of ups and downs.

Speaker 9:
[47:17] Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 11:
[47:20] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[47:23] It's no rumple spring, but it'll do for now. Amazing. So the yo-yo company got canceled or just went out of business?

Speaker 9:
[47:31] No, I got, like, so, like, our manufacturer was in America.

Speaker 11:
[47:35] You're a manufacturer, dude?

Speaker 9:
[47:37] Yeah, dude. I sound pretty sick when I say that.

Speaker 11:
[47:39] It does sound good. I want to know more about it. I do. I really do, man. Sorry. My attitude's been weird today. I think he's nervous, probably.

Speaker 9:
[47:52] Yeah, no, we had Americans make our shit. But the thing is, in America, like, the yo-yo scene is kind of run by, I guess you call it the woke yo-yo mob. You guys know about this, right?

Speaker 2:
[48:05] Oh, yeah.

Speaker 9:
[48:06] So, and they're also autistic, so, like, imagine...

Speaker 2:
[48:10] Yeah, we have one. Come on, come on up here, Colt. No, come on, come on around. Yeah, the way.

Speaker 3:
[48:16] We have a yo-yo guy.

Speaker 2:
[48:17] We have a yo-yo guy that actually knows your company.

Speaker 3:
[48:19] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[48:20] One of our main people. Do a little yo-yo, Colt.

Speaker 11:
[48:24] Hell yeah.

Speaker 2:
[48:24] There he is. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. What are the odds? One of the greatest yo-yoers in the world happens to be... a five-year veteran employee of the Kill Tony enterprise right when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler. Look at that. Charles, you're awesome, dude. Come back any time. We'll see you soon. Charles Haycock, everybody.

Speaker 3:
[48:58] There he goes.

Speaker 2:
[49:02] All right. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. A special treat for you. This man is making his Kill Tony debut. He's an Internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram. Very funny man. Make some noise for Lil Mo Mozzarella, everybody, his Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 1:
[49:31] Watch your mouth.

Speaker 10:
[49:32] Shut the fuck up in the back. Stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me, but I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word at you. What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all the time. They come to fucking Little Lily and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken, garlic, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, red peppers. Tell your sister Jean I said, how you doing? That guy's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant so act the Chinese, no? Lejo Mao, let me get a pork fried rice. Don't forget the wonton soup. They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling. Lejo Mao, pork fried rice. They think you can understand them if you talk loud, you know? They're disrespectful. See, I always showed them respect. Like, let's say for instance, I go like for a steak. I bring the bones home and I bring it to the restaurant for the dog to bury the yard. How you doing? I was going to say they ate the dog, but then I said somebody might fuck me up out here. I see a couple of Asians. Kim Jong Un's over there. What's up, Mo? How does it feel to never ride a roller coaster?

Speaker 2:
[50:49] Little Mo Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. Very funny, lots of energy. Oh shit, he just hit the hardware over in the head with the bike.

Speaker 10:
[51:01] I drove fucking 20 hours to get here.

Speaker 11:
[51:03] Did you really? Atta-ray, everybody.

Speaker 2:
[51:13] Well, Moe, you are the man.

Speaker 11:
[51:15] Good to see you tonight, man. You really drove 20 hours to get here?

Speaker 10:
[51:17] No, I drove about six.

Speaker 11:
[51:19] I didn't know.

Speaker 10:
[51:20] I was in Oklahoma, the food there sucks, Moe. They eat testicles. You know, anybody from Oklahoma, they eat testicles. And they eat it like two grapes. I won't even eat a fucking hot dog in front of people. You know what they eat there? It's called lamb something. Look it up.

Speaker 11:
[51:37] Yeah, lamb.

Speaker 10:
[51:37] Yeah, it's a thing. Chachi BT it.

Speaker 11:
[51:41] Unbelievable. Look it up.

Speaker 2:
[51:42] This is the real, this is how he is in real life.

Speaker 10:
[51:45] I was in fucking Oklahoma. I drove here. Listen, I got a rental car. This fucking rental car says 29 miles or whatever per gallon. I thought that that was how much gas I had. I ran out of gas. I didn't know what to do. I called the fucking Uber. I says, come over here. I'm gonna give you $100. Go get the tank and come in and fucking look out for me. He goes, how do you know I could trust you? I said, I'm a fucking degenerate gambler. I'm taking a shot.

Speaker 2:
[52:10] Let me tell you my history with Lil Mo. I can't remember what or why or how, but we were all out one night, me, him and Shane. And Shane's like, you gotta meet my friend. This is Lil Mo. And he was like this, right? And I'm like, this guy's not even real. And then after about five or 10 minutes, we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up. You smoked pot.

Speaker 10:
[52:33] I don't even smoke pot. I'm looking forward to smoking pot again tonight.

Speaker 2:
[52:36] Yeah, you're gonna smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot.

Speaker 10:
[52:39] I go into the tea by getting anxiety.

Speaker 11:
[52:41] Did you smoke it a lot when you were on?

Speaker 3:
[52:43] Oh, God.

Speaker 10:
[52:43] Smoking right now.

Speaker 3:
[52:44] Oh, God. Little Mo.

Speaker 2:
[52:47] Little Mo's about to be eating bull testicles in Oklahoma.

Speaker 10:
[52:50] Fucking Charlie was an engineer. I gotta get a little full out of it. What are you on, the Ozempic? I'm on the Manjaro. How you doing, Theo?

Speaker 11:
[53:01] Manjaro sounds Italian.

Speaker 10:
[53:04] You know how you say air conditioning in Italian?

Speaker 11:
[53:06] You used to sell air conditioning?

Speaker 10:
[53:08] I used to do air conditioning. That's what I did for a living.

Speaker 11:
[53:10] Oh, yeah. My cousin watched an HVAC for a while.

Speaker 10:
[53:12] Does he?

Speaker 11:
[53:12] Yeah, he did.

Speaker 10:
[53:13] Is he the helper or is he the mechanic?

Speaker 11:
[53:15] He's the... He passed away.

Speaker 10:
[53:17] Oh, he did?

Speaker 11:
[53:18] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[53:18] You know, when you work blue collar.

Speaker 11:
[53:20] But he was... Yeah, he would get in there. You know, he goes...

Speaker 10:
[53:23] You say air conditioning in Italian, you say ecadish.

Speaker 11:
[53:25] Ecadish.

Speaker 10:
[53:26] That's how you say it.

Speaker 2:
[53:28] Tell us more about...

Speaker 10:
[53:32] Fucking staring at him. He's a jinx, this guy.

Speaker 5:
[53:34] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[53:35] This from the past over here.

Speaker 2:
[53:38] We, you know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters. I'm Italian. I don't sound like you. I'm not from New York.

Speaker 10:
[53:46] Let me tell you something. You had some guy on the other day. He had a Gobble Goose shirt.

Speaker 2:
[53:49] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[53:50] He was a fake Italian.

Speaker 2:
[53:51] I saw that, yeah.

Speaker 10:
[53:51] That's what made me cum.

Speaker 2:
[53:52] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[53:53] I said, you need the real fucking thing.

Speaker 2:
[53:54] And that's what I was just gonna say is we never get any fucking real Italians.

Speaker 10:
[53:58] Nobody does. They act Italian. There's no real one. I'm the only one left.

Speaker 2:
[54:01] Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true. It really is true. There's nothing... I swear to God, me and this guy sat at the end of a bar cracking up for fucking hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give us some more of your Italian New York wisdom, Lil Mo.

Speaker 10:
[54:20] If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to do? How you doing? I don't want no problems.

Speaker 2:
[54:27] That's exactly right.

Speaker 11:
[54:28] Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it?

Speaker 10:
[54:31] It's old school change now. You know, back in the day, it was different. You know, you hang out on a stoop. You know what I mean? A girl walks by, you go, how you doing? You know, different levels, different how you doings. You don't want to throw a five at how you doing, you know? You gotta how you doing. Because she might get, you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky.

Speaker 11:
[54:50] Yeah, exacerbated or whatever.

Speaker 10:
[54:51] And yeah, you gotta bring it down a notch, you know what I'm saying? My friend's sister, man, I remember the first girl I said, how you doing to her?

Speaker 3:
[54:59] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[55:00] She was her sweetheart, you know?

Speaker 11:
[55:01] Oh yeah.

Speaker 10:
[55:02] I bought her a nice pair of shoes. She goes, how do I look at them? I said, take them out of the fucking box, you dummy.

Speaker 4:
[55:13] How you doing?

Speaker 10:
[55:15] We got any Jewish guys on here?

Speaker 2:
[55:17] Oh, yeah, they're out there. They don't make any noise anymore.

Speaker 10:
[55:20] How you doing?

Speaker 2:
[55:24] They're laying low right now. Jews are hiding in the dark right now. They'll throw...

Speaker 11:
[55:29] Counting in the dark.

Speaker 10:
[55:31] So what else we got about being Italian?

Speaker 2:
[55:33] I mean, I absolutely love it. You know, I just found a great Italian place that I've been telling everybody about, Baldinucci's, here in Austin, Texas. And I love it. I've been ordering from there, continuously. I'm talking about...

Speaker 10:
[55:47] You know what's crazy about Italian? You can eat any piece of food, and you can make it sound like a dick. Here's my brajuol. I got the brajuol right here. Hide the salami. Look at my little fucking pasta fazzole. You can make it anything.

Speaker 11:
[56:01] Yeah, show me that burrata, huh?

Speaker 10:
[56:03] You know what I'm saying? Show me that burrata.

Speaker 11:
[56:06] Where are the real Italians at? Like, where honestly, if we were gonna go look for some Italians or if people wanted to find some Italians?

Speaker 10:
[56:13] Well, we have our own culture. We're Italian-American. We're different. The Italians don't even like us, really.

Speaker 11:
[56:18] Really?

Speaker 10:
[56:18] They do a little bit because they got to deal with us. A kick them out of their country.

Speaker 11:
[56:22] Where are the realest ones in America still at? If you want to get the most...

Speaker 10:
[56:26] Well, you got something in Chicago and shit. You got where he's from, Youngstown is Italian. But in New York, we got Brooklyn, the Bronx, Staten Island, too. Staten Island's got a lot of Italians. Queens got the... All the five boroughs got Italians.

Speaker 3:
[56:38] Oh, my God.

Speaker 4:
[56:41] Ladies and gentlemen...

Speaker 2:
[56:58] Lil Drusky did white face, Drew, Drusky did white face, and now DMadness is doing white face. This is incredible. You never know what can happen here on Kill Tony, every once in a while.

Speaker 10:
[57:18] You gotta go to Brooklyn, Theo. You're from New Orleans? Are you from New Orleans? Was that you? Are you from New Orleans? Shane. Fucking blind as a bat. Are you from New Orleans?

Speaker 11:
[57:30] I'm from outside of New Orleans.

Speaker 10:
[57:31] Oh, I used to go there when I was a kid.

Speaker 11:
[57:33] Did you really? What were you guys doing over there?

Speaker 10:
[57:34] My friend had a place. I used to go to the Abbey. You remember the Abbey? It was like a late night joint.

Speaker 11:
[57:38] It was.

Speaker 10:
[57:38] Seriously, you got chicken fingers and shit?

Speaker 11:
[57:40] The Abbey? No.

Speaker 10:
[57:41] There was a place, Maiden Voyage?

Speaker 11:
[57:43] Maiden Voyage, yeah.

Speaker 10:
[57:44] Come on, shh. Keep it on the low.

Speaker 11:
[57:46] God, I just remembered it.

Speaker 10:
[57:49] You know it.

Speaker 11:
[57:50] Yeah, I'll forget it again, I'm sure, but yeah, I did remember it right.

Speaker 10:
[57:53] You guys still like the fucking memory, Moe.

Speaker 11:
[57:54] Maiden Voyage was a little bit, it was different.

Speaker 10:
[57:56] It was fun.

Speaker 11:
[57:57] It was okay. People like different stuff, you know. I didn't like it. I like Boston better.

Speaker 10:
[58:06] You like Boston?

Speaker 11:
[58:07] Yeah, I like Boston.

Speaker 10:
[58:08] I like Boston, too. I didn't think they wouldn't like me out there, but they like me.

Speaker 11:
[58:12] What? Why? What'd you think that about? Because I'm Italian, and they're not gonna like me.

Speaker 10:
[58:15] No, Boston's got a lot of Irish, but when kids are Irish and Italian, it's the fight all the time. So I figured I went to Boston, they'll beat the shit out of me, they like me.

Speaker 11:
[58:22] We need more of that shit.

Speaker 10:
[58:23] You need old school shit back, right?

Speaker 11:
[58:25] Yeah.

Speaker 10:
[58:26] You believe in stereotypes? I think, when it comes to dicks, I think it's true. I'm gonna tell you why. I look at people's dicks in the urinal once in a while. Gay. Not because I'm gay. I'm gonna tell you what it is.

Speaker 11:
[58:37] Yeah, what is it?

Speaker 10:
[58:38] I'm gonna tell you what it is. My grandfather was ugly, and he had no money, and he banged my grandma for 50 years, she stayed with him. So I asked her, she goes, because she's blush. So it made me start looking. I said, let me see what people are working with. This way I can have an edge. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2:
[58:56] And then what happened?

Speaker 10:
[58:57] You look like this, you go like this. Look, you go like you're gonna take a piss, and you go, peek-a-boo. Now, if they got a little guy, you could blackmail him, or you could pump their ego up. Like, you go like, you know, if it's your boss or something, write up the fucking corporate ladder.

Speaker 16:
[59:23] I got you, though.

Speaker 2:
[59:24] Lil Mo, I fucking love you. You gotta follow this guy on Instagram. Do it. Here's a big joke book, Lil Mo.

Speaker 3:
[59:30] I'm gonna throw it to you.

Speaker 11:
[59:31] Boom, praise God, baby.

Speaker 2:
[59:33] Make some noise for Lil Mo Motra. Lil Mo, how long are you in town for?

Speaker 10:
[59:37] I'm staying two nights.

Speaker 2:
[59:39] So when do you leave?

Speaker 10:
[59:40] I don't know, two fucking nights from now. It looks like a fucking meditation over here.

Speaker 2:
[59:45] Hey, real quick, Lil Mo, real quick. Jump back on that mic real quick.

Speaker 10:
[59:49] I don't want no problems.

Speaker 2:
[59:52] What's the best show you've ever seen in New York City? You're true New York, right?

Speaker 10:
[59:56] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[59:57] All the way. What's the...

Speaker 10:
[59:58] The Rockettes.

Speaker 2:
[59:59] No, no.

Speaker 10:
[60:00] DMX.

Speaker 2:
[60:01] DMX. Where did you see him at?

Speaker 10:
[60:03] I seen him at Summer Jam. Where the fuck is that? Is that New York? No, it might be Jersey.

Speaker 2:
[60:06] Okay.

Speaker 10:
[60:07] Where the fuck did I see the Warriors? I don't know.

Speaker 2:
[60:09] What shows have you seen at Madison Square Garden?

Speaker 10:
[60:12] Sheen's.

Speaker 2:
[60:13] What?

Speaker 10:
[60:13] Just Sheen's.

Speaker 2:
[60:14] Nice.

Speaker 10:
[60:15] That's it. I did the voice of God for him in Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 2:
[60:19] Well, I'll tell you what. I find you to be so interesting and so compelling. We're doing Two Nights at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th.

Speaker 3:
[60:25] Will you come on stage and do a thing on there?

Speaker 10:
[60:36] I'm on top of the world, Ma.

Speaker 1:
[60:38] I'm on top of the world.

Speaker 10:
[60:40] Hell yeah.

Speaker 2:
[60:41] How you doing? Lil Mo Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 4:
[60:45] Thanks, Tony and the man.

Speaker 3:
[60:46] Absolutely.

Speaker 10:
[60:47] I can sing too.

Speaker 3:
[60:49] How about one more time for the cameo of Shane Gillis, everybody. What a crazy world we're living in.

Speaker 2:
[60:57] Where the biggest comedian in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds. He'll be hosting the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th, live on Netflix. It's going to be a hell of a roast. I'll be there roasting yet again on the biggest roast of all time, the roast of Kevin Hart May 10th. Two days earlier, me and Jelly Roll are at the Greek theater. A reminder, this Friday, Busboys starring Theo Von and David Spade out in theaters everywhere. Let's go to a movie theater, people. Buy some popcorn and a large soda, enjoy yourself. Throw extra butter on it.

Speaker 21:
[61:40] Tax Act is here anytime you want to easily file your taxes. Tax Act is here for the early birds who like to knock them out as soon as the season opens. And for the procrastinators who like to wait until the very last minute. Tax Act is also here for the middlers who file right in the middle of tax season. No one ever talks about the middlers, but Tax Act sees you and Tax Act respects you. Tax Act, let's get them over with.

Speaker 5:
[62:09] Now playing on Netflix. If the flood doesn't kill you, what lies beneath will. When a Category 5 hurricane decimates a coastal South Carolina town, the storm surge brings devastation, chaos, and something far more frightening. Hungry sharks. Thrash is now playing only on Netflix. Thrash is rated R.

Speaker 2:
[62:38] Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full, everybody goes by the name of T. Austin. Everybody, T. Austin.

Speaker 15:
[62:49] What's up, what's up, what's up? Now, I came out here, I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with y'all. I don't like the motherfuckers that's outside, so I came up with a few ways to destroy the world, and I only got a minute to do so. The first one would be, for you religious motherfuckers, I want whoever you believe in, Jews, Jesus, Muhammad, whoever, I hope you come. So that way, the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit, you can't say that shit because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing, working on Israel, we working on them bombs, that would be funny, but fuck that, we're living that one. Now, the third way, fucking thriller. I want my goddamn zombies. I've been watching The Walking Dead, I've been practicing my shit, Michael getting ready to come out. I'm going to see that shit, I want to live it. The fourth way, that I, because it could be anything. You guys, I could drop a bomb of peanuts in here and drop half you motherfuckers. The fourth way, that I believe that we deserve it, because Donald Trump said it's true, it's goddamn aliens. We're already here. Thank y'all, I'm T. Austin.

Speaker 2:
[63:59] T. Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Jon Deas, I'm going to check out with Jon Deas here. What did he just say?

Speaker 15:
[64:07] Bunch of shit.

Speaker 1:
[64:10] It's now dumber.

Speaker 2:
[64:12] Everyone in this room is now dumber.

Speaker 15:
[64:15] And you're welcome for it.

Speaker 2:
[64:17] Okay, welcome T. How long have you been doing standup, my dear friend?

Speaker 15:
[64:21] I have been doing standup off and on for about maybe six years, my dog.

Speaker 2:
[64:25] Six years.

Speaker 14:
[64:27] Okay, where at?

Speaker 15:
[64:29] San Antonio. I'm originally from Georgia. If you can't tell, yeah. I was in Texas for 20 years though, so I'm officially a DSTB as well as a DSGB. Bad all the way around.

Speaker 2:
[64:43] What's a DSTB?

Speaker 15:
[64:44] Oh, that's the down south Texas boy.

Speaker 12:
[64:47] I'm a down south Georgia boy.

Speaker 14:
[64:50] Oh, okay.

Speaker 15:
[64:51] Pass the choice, that's my dog.

Speaker 14:
[64:53] Okay.

Speaker 15:
[64:53] I don't know him but I listen to them.

Speaker 11:
[64:56] What does the T stand for?

Speaker 15:
[64:58] T, it's a letter, just A, B, C, D.

Speaker 11:
[65:03] E-F-T, yeah.

Speaker 10:
[65:04] Wow.

Speaker 15:
[65:05] Hey, you see, I kept my hand in my pocket. I ain't got no fingerprints. I don't want nobody telling on me.

Speaker 2:
[65:11] Okay. Again, I really need a translator.

Speaker 11:
[65:15] I hear everything you're saying, brother.

Speaker 2:
[65:17] T Austin, what do you not do for work?

Speaker 15:
[65:19] What do I not do for work? Well, I am a retired drug dealer. I used to sell marijuana.

Speaker 2:
[65:25] Okay.

Speaker 15:
[65:26] But then it became legal and them bitches took it from my pocket. But now I work at a grocery store and I give out samples to nice folks like you white people here in front of me today.

Speaker 2:
[65:35] All right. Look at you working at the grocery store. See?

Speaker 15:
[65:38] Nice. Yeah, I'm broke than a bitch. I need a job, Tom.

Speaker 11:
[65:41] And who likes a sample the most? Who's the most, when you're in there, if you're working in the sample streets, who is the person that, you know what I'm saying? Take me through some of them samplers.

Speaker 15:
[65:52] All right. So look, I got folk that come through. I got my everyday people that, let me try to talk a... Your what people? Let me talk a little bit clearer. Yeah. So I have everyday people that like to come in and they will eat what I make because it is very, very delicious, but the some bitches don't buy it. I don't care about you loving what I make, I care about you buying it. But putting a smile on people's faces just like I'm doing with y'all.

Speaker 2:
[66:21] There you go. All right. There's a lot there. We love the enunciate.

Speaker 15:
[66:25] You asked a question.

Speaker 11:
[66:26] And who the worst people that come through there? Who's the worst type of sampler?

Speaker 2:
[66:30] Yeah, if you had to describe what they look like.

Speaker 15:
[66:34] Ooh, check this out. I won't, but I'll describe their pocket. They got a lot of money.

Speaker 2:
[66:39] All right.

Speaker 15:
[66:40] People with a lot of money be mean as fuck.

Speaker 2:
[66:42] Really? What's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you're handing out samples?

Speaker 15:
[66:45] Oh, you know what? You didn't do it and I was surprised because I heard about you, but I didn't take it like that. But they come up and they say, my brother, yeah, I get it, yeah, I'm not your brother. I don't know you. I tell them, no sir, I do not understand what you're saying to me right now.

Speaker 2:
[67:02] You say that to the white people that say that?

Speaker 15:
[67:05] I didn't say that. You said that. I say that to anybody who say that. But if you want to say it's white people, sir, I'll take that too.

Speaker 2:
[67:11] But if a black guy came up to you and said, my brother, delicious sample.

Speaker 15:
[67:14] It depends on how you say it.

Speaker 2:
[67:15] All right. How about how I said it?

Speaker 15:
[67:18] It depends on how you say it.

Speaker 2:
[67:20] All right. What if I was like, my brother, delicious sample?

Speaker 15:
[67:26] I'd be like, well, thank you, sir. And I really do appreciate that.

Speaker 2:
[67:31] All right. Perfect. If you would have said anything else, I would have asked to speak to your manager.

Speaker 15:
[67:35] Uh, I appreciate this shit. I really didn't know I was gonna get called on here. It is really a fucking honor. I hope I did good for y'all. I'll fuck with it. I hope I get called again.

Speaker 2:
[67:44] Are you closing out your own interview right now?

Speaker 15:
[67:48] My stomach hurts, bro.

Speaker 8:
[67:49] I am so nervous, dog.

Speaker 2:
[67:51] It's what happens. You're in the big leagues. We know you didn't think you were gonna get called. That's how the show works. And it's also you're dressed for not getting called.

Speaker 15:
[68:01] Hey, I got off of work and came here.

Speaker 2:
[68:03] You did it.

Speaker 15:
[68:04] I'm poor. I have to work.

Speaker 11:
[68:06] Type shit.

Speaker 15:
[68:07] So I got a button. You see me? You see me? Put it in my pocket. Help your boy out.

Speaker 2:
[68:11] There you go.

Speaker 15:
[68:12] Love y'all.

Speaker 2:
[68:12] Catch him at Trader Jamal's. T. Austin, everybody. Theo doing his classic meet-and-greet. Trademark. Standing ovation for everyone.

Speaker 11:
[68:28] Scary thing.

Speaker 2:
[68:29] It is.

Speaker 11:
[68:30] I could never do that.

Speaker 2:
[68:31] Yeah, you could.

Speaker 11:
[68:32] I'm not there for... I could not do it, dude.

Speaker 2:
[68:34] We used to do three minutes at the Comedy Store at the open, Mike.

Speaker 11:
[68:37] Three minutes, but you've been practicing for a long time. It just feels very... It feels extreme to me.

Speaker 2:
[68:42] Well, yeah, it is.

Speaker 11:
[68:43] Carry on.

Speaker 2:
[68:44] It's the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of Brian Stupek. Brian Stupek.

Speaker 22:
[68:58] Hey, everybody. So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini. Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Saying things like, yes, queen, slay girl, pop off diva. I say one innocent comment like, wow, what a babe, and I get blasted. They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, she's only 11. Can you believe these people? So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina, but not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second while we get into character. Soy Mexicana. Soy Mexicana. Soy Mexicana. No, no, no. Sí, sí, sí. Okay, listo. I'm breaking up with you, Brian.

Speaker 2:
[70:00] Okay, Brian, stupef. Welcome, Brian. Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 22:
[70:05] Sure is.

Speaker 2:
[70:06] Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up comedy?

Speaker 22:
[70:08] Since June.

Speaker 14:
[70:09] Where at?

Speaker 22:
[70:10] Mostly Sixth Street.

Speaker 2:
[70:11] You live here in Austin.

Speaker 22:
[70:12] Yeah, I work next door.

Speaker 2:
[70:13] What made you want to start six months ago?

Speaker 22:
[70:16] It's a long story, but I ran out of money in Italy, and my buddies like come stay with me and try stand-up comedy. So I was like, all right.

Speaker 2:
[70:22] Where was that?

Speaker 22:
[70:24] In Italy or?

Speaker 2:
[70:26] You're in Italy, you ran out of money, your buddies like come move in.

Speaker 22:
[70:29] He lives in Kyle.

Speaker 2:
[70:30] He lives in here?

Speaker 22:
[70:31] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[70:31] Okay.

Speaker 22:
[70:32] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[70:33] All right.

Speaker 22:
[70:33] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[70:34] So where did you live before that?

Speaker 22:
[70:35] So I'm from Northern California, but I do a lot of travel. So I spent most of the last 10, 15 years traveling. I'm a linguist, so I like travel to learn languages. I'll pick up odd jobs.

Speaker 2:
[70:45] Can you teach the last guy how to talk?

Speaker 22:
[70:50] I mean, I can help people that, you know, I can't help lost causes, you know?

Speaker 2:
[70:53] Right.

Speaker 22:
[70:54] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[70:54] So how did you run out of money in Italy exactly? What did you do out there?

Speaker 22:
[70:59] So I published an Italian book, and I had this idea where I could promote it. I was going to walk the length of Italy with 100 book copies of my book and a shopping cart, and I was going to push it the length of Italy, trading it every day for food and lodging. And when I got to Rome, I ran out of books and I ran out of money. And so I was like, you know, I was just waiting in the airport there for five days till my book royalties came in, and then I flew home.

Speaker 11:
[71:20] All things lead to Rome, they say, isn't it?

Speaker 22:
[71:21] Right? There it is.

Speaker 2:
[71:25] It's true.

Speaker 22:
[71:25] Italy itself was actually a pivot too.

Speaker 2:
[71:28] Yeah.

Speaker 22:
[71:28] Yeah. I tried to walk Africa before that.

Speaker 2:
[71:32] Oh.

Speaker 22:
[71:33] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[71:34] Not a lot of book buyers out there.

Speaker 22:
[71:36] No, no, no. No, that one was just for me. That was for fun. Yeah. I made it a third of the way.

Speaker 2:
[71:42] Oh, wow.

Speaker 22:
[71:42] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[71:43] Wow.

Speaker 22:
[71:44] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[71:44] What was that like?

Speaker 22:
[71:45] It was nice. It was great. So I went from Cape Town, South Africa to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did like all of South Africa, all of Namibia, all of Angola. And then when I got to the border of the DRC, I kept getting robbed. So I...

Speaker 11:
[71:58] By who? I mean, if you had to guess.

Speaker 2:
[72:04] When you say kept getting robbed, how many times do you think you were robbed?

Speaker 22:
[72:07] No, it was three in a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. So it was the first time I just got jumped by like high school age kids. Can I show you? It's...

Speaker 12:
[72:16] You're going to show me like a what?

Speaker 22:
[72:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, you're safe.

Speaker 11:
[72:21] You work with all those kids.

Speaker 13:
[72:22] I'm so confused how we went...

Speaker 22:
[72:25] So it was like...

Speaker 12:
[72:27] You need me to stand up for this thing or something?

Speaker 11:
[72:29] Kind of.

Speaker 8:
[72:30] What?

Speaker 2:
[72:31] Brian. You don't have to. Let's not make the award-winning artist do anything written by you, Brian.

Speaker 22:
[72:37] So, no, they weren't... Like, they were kind of...

Speaker 3:
[72:44] Fucking people.

Speaker 2:
[72:45] Hey, can I use you like a manic in there? Just leave your Grammys at the table. Just stand up for me. I'm a random fucking open mic'er that has six months of experience.

Speaker 11:
[72:54] And Jelly's ready for it.

Speaker 19:
[72:56] I was in, man.

Speaker 2:
[72:57] He's down to play.

Speaker 12:
[72:58] I was like, fuck, I'm down, dog.

Speaker 15:
[73:00] At this point, I kind of want to see it.

Speaker 3:
[73:02] Let's go. Let's go. This is Kill Tony, where clearly anything can happen.

Speaker 22:
[73:09] So, they were like 6'3, 120. So, I'm walking behind.

Speaker 12:
[73:14] I'm fucking flattered.

Speaker 3:
[73:16] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 22:
[73:18] So, they're walking behind, and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do. So, he grabs me by the back, and he, like... And I was like, what? And then he kept doing it. Like, he's like, you know? And so, I fought them off. And that's all. You're good now. That was it.

Speaker 2:
[73:32] Wow. Just as stupid as I thought it would be, everybody. Brian's stupid.

Speaker 3:
[73:37] Needing a human to that act out.

Speaker 22:
[73:40] Yeah, but the second time was a little bit scary. They had AK-47s. They put one in my mouth.

Speaker 11:
[73:44] Oh, wow. No way.

Speaker 22:
[73:46] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:
[73:46] You get hard?

Speaker 11:
[73:47] And what is it?

Speaker 3:
[73:48] Good question.

Speaker 2:
[73:49] Redban completely redeeming himself.

Speaker 3:
[73:53] The question everybody wanted to ask.

Speaker 9:
[73:57] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[73:59] What's up?

Speaker 22:
[73:59] Did it get hard?

Speaker 2:
[74:00] Did you get hard?

Speaker 22:
[74:01] I stay hard, Tony.

Speaker 2:
[74:02] Oh, very good.

Speaker 22:
[74:02] Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 2:
[74:03] Very good.

Speaker 22:
[74:06] And then the third time, it was, like, there were men with machine guns.

Speaker 12:
[74:09] No, no, no, you can't just breeze through that, okay, the mouth store.

Speaker 2:
[74:12] What exactly did they...

Speaker 12:
[74:13] I gotta hear how this one happened.

Speaker 2:
[74:14] Yeah, what did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you?

Speaker 22:
[74:16] At that time, so I was in Luanda, Angola, which is the capital of Angola, and I just, I was doing...

Speaker 2:
[74:21] Sounds safe.

Speaker 22:
[74:23] Go ahead. I just had, like, my phone and my money on me, because I was staying with a local there, so I had, like, my backpack with them, so that wasn't on me. And they...

Speaker 12:
[74:32] You were appointed by a fanny pack?

Speaker 22:
[74:34] No.

Speaker 12:
[74:34] Where's the money? Okay.

Speaker 22:
[74:35] No, it was just in my pockets. I was just going to a TV interview. It was, like, 6 in the morning.

Speaker 2:
[74:38] How much cash do you think you had on you?

Speaker 22:
[74:40] Like, 90 bucks.

Speaker 2:
[74:41] Okay.

Speaker 22:
[74:42] Yeah, so, you know, so, like, a lot there, but I was... Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[74:45] It's a lot anywhere, man.

Speaker 22:
[74:46] Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[74:48] Especially there.

Speaker 22:
[74:49] Yeah, so, as I was walking, I was stupid. Like, I just had my phone out using GPS, and I'm like...

Speaker 2:
[74:55] Oh, yeah. Fuck. I'd rob you if I saw you using your phone.

Speaker 22:
[75:00] And then I, yeah, as I'm walking, there were, like, two guys sitting on a stoop, and they ran in opposite directions. I was like, okay, this is interesting. And then they came back with AKs.

Speaker 11:
[75:11] Yeah.

Speaker 22:
[75:12] They speak Portuguese and English, so, like, fika, fika, fika, fika, which means stay in Portuguese. And so, I had my phone, I was just, like, you know...

Speaker 11:
[75:18] Right.

Speaker 2:
[75:19] Exactly.

Speaker 22:
[75:19] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[75:19] They could have used fucking those guns that just say bang, the flag that comes out.

Speaker 22:
[75:23] Well, it was frustrating, because it was, like, a 5'2. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me, you know? It was, like, it was really emasculating.

Speaker 2:
[75:30] Yeah.

Speaker 22:
[75:30] And then one of the guys, when he was emptying my pockets, I did have my sunscreen on me.

Speaker 2:
[75:34] Oh.

Speaker 10:
[75:35] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[75:37] The one thing they allowed you to keep.

Speaker 22:
[75:39] No, they took that too.

Speaker 2:
[75:40] They took that too.

Speaker 22:
[75:41] And I was like, you don't need this. Right. You know? But what happened was the guy dropped it, and that panicked the other guy with the gun, and he, like, hit me and, like, put it... He was like, I'm not even doing anything.

Speaker 2:
[75:50] All right. And then the third time.

Speaker 22:
[75:52] So, I was at the border of the DRC, and I was walking, and guys walked by me, and it was a fisherman group. So, it was, like, one guy's carrying fish, another three are carrying machetes. And so, they, like...

Speaker 11:
[76:02] Oh, the old fish machete trick, huh?

Speaker 22:
[76:06] So, that sounds bad, but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of the world. You see people walking with machetes. Like, I'd walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes. So, but these people, what made it sketchy was they turned around, and they started following me. And I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something. I didn't. So, I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging. I took off into the jungle, then they chased me into the jungle. But there was like a, like the brush was about this high. So, I like, I found a spot to hide. And they're like looking for me for like 45 minutes. I'm like hiding on top of my bag. And then they eventually left, but I waited another few hours because they could have just been waiting on the road, you know? Of course. And I'm like hearing things rustle in the bushes this whole time. And the previous week or so, I'd seen half a dozen black mommas or so across the road. So I'm just like, maybe it's time to come home. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[76:53] Yeah, I'd say so.

Speaker 11:
[76:56] Tell the world I'm coming home.

Speaker 22:
[76:58] Can we still sing Diddy?

Speaker 11:
[77:00] Huh? What? Who sings that?

Speaker 22:
[77:02] Diddy.

Speaker 11:
[77:02] Is it really?

Speaker 22:
[77:03] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[77:03] Oh, I didn't know that. I like, yeah, I just like the song.

Speaker 2:
[77:06] It was a medium-joke book, my friend. There goes Brian.

Speaker 12:
[77:08] Appreciate you guys.

Speaker 2:
[77:09] Everybody. We're flying through it here tonight.

Speaker 12:
[77:15] Yeah.

Speaker 7:
[77:17] Let me interrupt your podcast to pitch you on another podcast. I'm Wu-Tak, one of the hosts of Above the Influence Show, the evolution of the notorious under the influence show. And to put it simply, we are three guys at very different stages of life, navigating self-improvement and sharing it with you in real time in ways that you can laugh at. Me, Wu-Tak, I'm 30 and a college dropout, juvenile delinquent turned CEO of Super Banzai, an eight figure a year supplement brand, as well as a social media personality with millions of followers across platforms.

Speaker 18:
[77:46] I am Bit Trap, I am 26 years old, unemployed influencer who went viral for his mugshot back in 2020 and is adapting to regular life from his traumatic hoodlum origins.

Speaker 13:
[77:56] And I'm Ian, a 24 year old real life SpongeBob who has never known an ounce of trauma in my life.

Speaker 7:
[78:01] So we like to discuss business, dating, religion, substances and trauma. If you want relatable content you can learn from, subscribe to Above the Influence Show for free on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening. Thanks for letting me in. Now back to the show.

Speaker 2:
[78:17] You guys still having fun out there? You get it? Make some noise for your next Bucket Bowl, ladies and gentlemen. It's Luke Robinson, everybody.

Speaker 3:
[78:25] Luke Robinson.

Speaker 23:
[78:32] Elon Musk is making Neuralink so people can talk to their pets. Oh, now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, please, Poppy, I promise to keep my picker in my pants. Dudes would be so traumatized, they'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the stray population would go way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note, good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat. Thank you. I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you.

Speaker 2:
[79:31] Luke Robinson. Amazing. Very, very compelling. It's very-

Speaker 11:
[79:39] Good job, man.

Speaker 10:
[79:40] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[79:42] Luke, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 23:
[79:46] This is my fifth time on stage.

Speaker 2:
[79:47] Fifth time. Talking to that microphone. Fifth time-

Speaker 23:
[79:50] Obviously.

Speaker 2:
[79:50] On stage. How did the other four times go?

Speaker 23:
[79:55] First time was in Memphis. No, I'm sorry. First time was in Little Rock. Memphis was second. Third was Creek. Third was LOL in San Antonio. And that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid. I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[80:13] You specialize in dog material. I notice that.

Speaker 23:
[80:17] I do. I've lost three dogs to cancer. I've walked 4,200. Wow.

Speaker 2:
[80:23] I mean, starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else. That is incredible.

Speaker 23:
[80:30] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[80:31] What are you?

Speaker 2:
[80:32] What?

Speaker 11:
[80:34] You've lost three dogs to cancer?

Speaker 23:
[80:37] Not all at the same time.

Speaker 2:
[80:38] What is going on?

Speaker 11:
[80:38] Are you still doing that?

Speaker 14:
[80:43] Are you giving them cigarettes?

Speaker 23:
[80:44] I should cut back on the cools, right?

Speaker 11:
[80:46] Well, what are you doing, man?

Speaker 23:
[80:48] Well, my first one was bone cancer and that was in Boston.

Speaker 11:
[80:51] Look, I know bone cancer happens in Boston, but what I'm saying is, dude, give it up and do something else.

Speaker 23:
[80:58] Yeah. It's like not getting a dog. Absolutely. Unfortunately, I'm on my fifth periney, so.

Speaker 2:
[81:03] You started with how many dogs have died under your tutelage. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs?

Speaker 23:
[81:10] I have one. He's three legged, though, so.

Speaker 2:
[81:12] Oh, my God. What is happening? How did your dog lose its leg?

Speaker 23:
[81:17] Well, that was abuse before me. Not me. I got him. The people before him left him outside, tied to a tree, and lacerated his leg. They amputated him. Before I got him, I fostered him, and he was like, Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most ungrateful great periney that I've ever had.

Speaker 2:
[81:39] He's grateful.

Speaker 23:
[81:40] Ungrateful. The most ungrateful great periney I've ever had.

Speaker 2:
[81:43] Check in with Jelly Roll here.

Speaker 12:
[81:44] This is really close. It sounded like a Jelly Roll song.

Speaker 23:
[81:47] Well, my exit kind of is. Actually, my first dog kind of is as I moved to Boston. My first dog got cancer. My girlfriend left me and she took the truck. So I totally became a country song. Wow. But I ended up walking after losing three dogs. I've walked a total of 4,250 miles, started a foundation where we tried to understand why dogs get cancer like people. So I tried to turn the loss.

Speaker 2:
[82:14] Did you walk across America or Africa?

Speaker 23:
[82:18] America three different times. Austin to Boston was my first one. Then the West Coast from Canada, Mexico was my second one. My last one, my third one was the entire length of the Hudson River because I lost Hudson, was the third dog I lost to cancer. So wow.

Speaker 11:
[82:33] And a round of applause for doing that, man. That's incredible.

Speaker 2:
[82:38] Yeah, Redban takes a petty cab to his condo four blocks away.

Speaker 3:
[82:45] I'm a cat guy.

Speaker 2:
[82:48] But he's also going to lose a leg soon, so.

Speaker 23:
[82:51] You can join me on my next walk. You can join me, but I have to lose another dog to cancer first.

Speaker 11:
[82:57] What was your favorite walk, to be honest? That's just interesting, somebody that walked that many places.

Speaker 23:
[83:02] Austin to Boston was the best one. That was 2,300 miles over two years with my two dogs.

Speaker 11:
[83:08] Why was it the best though?

Speaker 23:
[83:11] That's kind of hard. The West Coast was just weird altogether. They say they're animal friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog, they don't treat you like you're a part of theirs. So it was just a different experience. I find the people from the Austin to Boston, I walked across 16 states, including DC., and the people were just incredible. It was just like nothing. Nothing you see on TV. Nothing could speak to that experience. It's just like selling all your stuff, putting everything in storage, and just walking with your dogs cross-country. It was so much grace and glory in that experience.

Speaker 21:
[83:44] How do you make money?

Speaker 23:
[83:46] Look at me. I'm 55. I'm up here on the stage trying out for economies. I've been doing this since I lost my first dog 20 years ago.

Speaker 2:
[83:54] You've been doing what?

Speaker 23:
[83:55] Not living in the non-profit world, trying to solve canine cancer, companion animal cancer.

Speaker 2:
[84:00] Right. Do you think that solving canine cancer is more important than solving human cancer?

Speaker 23:
[84:09] Well, what science has taught us, this is the interesting thing, especially with dog cancer, it's pretty much the same thing. Like 90% of all cancers dogs get, that people get. Look, they look the same, they act the same. It's kind of one of the things that science has taught us.

Speaker 11:
[84:23] People say a lot of it's from Chobani Yogurt. Have you seen all of that?

Speaker 3:
[84:27] Yeah, yeah. Could be.

Speaker 11:
[84:32] Allegedly.

Speaker 14:
[84:33] Do dogs get more breast cancer than normal animals because of all the nipples and stuff?

Speaker 23:
[84:39] Yes, they do get.

Speaker 12:
[84:40] Great question.

Speaker 2:
[84:41] Do they?

Speaker 23:
[84:43] Yeah, they do get mammary cancer.

Speaker 12:
[84:49] Have you ever been fat?

Speaker 23:
[84:51] Have I been what?

Speaker 12:
[84:51] Have you ever been fat?

Speaker 23:
[84:53] Fat?

Speaker 12:
[84:53] Yeah.

Speaker 23:
[84:54] Absolutely. I used to be a sugar guy. Totally.

Speaker 12:
[84:57] Yeah, like have you lost a lot of weight?

Speaker 23:
[84:58] A lot, yeah.

Speaker 12:
[84:59] How much?

Speaker 23:
[85:00] Um, probably about 100 pounds. I know you have. You look fantastic, by the way. Cheers for that.

Speaker 12:
[85:04] I can tell. I know my kind when I see them. You look like you got Ed Gaines lampshades under there.

Speaker 5:
[85:11] I know that feeling.

Speaker 23:
[85:12] I look like you.

Speaker 12:
[85:13] I got some book-bomb shit happening right here, too, dude. It's bad.

Speaker 2:
[85:17] That's very funny, very true observation by Jelly Roll. I'm now looking at it. Your belt is made of belt loops. There are belt loops everywhere.

Speaker 12:
[85:26] The titties is where you're supposed to look.

Speaker 2:
[85:27] You can see the tail. Oh, yeah, you got those.

Speaker 12:
[85:30] I had a skin where titties once was. I'm struggling with the same thing.

Speaker 14:
[85:33] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2:
[85:35] Incredible. So let me ask you this. What's your love life like? You're out there walking dogs, three-legged dogs. You must get a lot of...

Speaker 12:
[85:42] Well, it's a lot better than it was 100 pounds ago. I can promise you that. Yeah.

Speaker 23:
[85:46] Yeah, no, when you're on the road and you're walking, man, you smell like basically pissed and dog-ass all the time. You look like a homeless guy. So there's, yeah. So it's been a while since I've had... You know, I just... It's been a dry spell, so it's been a long time.

Speaker 11:
[86:00] That's okay, man.

Speaker 23:
[86:01] So, uh, yeah.

Speaker 11:
[86:03] That's okay.

Speaker 23:
[86:04] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[86:05] Um, what was I going to say something? Oh, uh, do you, do you have a... What is your, uh, your, uh, nonprofit called?

Speaker 23:
[86:16] It's Puppy Up. So, like, some people down in Texas say cowboy up or man up. We puppy up. So that was my battle cry from our first walk because I knew it was going to be long and hard. So we puppy up, y'all.

Speaker 3:
[86:29] Absolutely adorable.

Speaker 23:
[86:31] We all have to puppy up in life.

Speaker 3:
[86:33] Definitely.

Speaker 2:
[86:35] Here you go, my friend. There's a medium-sized choco.

Speaker 14:
[86:38] Oh, wow.

Speaker 4:
[86:39] You got a little dog in you.

Speaker 2:
[86:42] There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 3:
[86:44] Luke Robinson.

Speaker 2:
[86:49] There he goes.

Speaker 14:
[86:52] There he goes.

Speaker 2:
[86:54] Very dog-cancer-heavy eight minutes that was. You guys still hanging in there? Next in line for your next bucket full, Matt Campbell, everybody. Matt Campbell. Here we go.

Speaker 19:
[87:13] Hello. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname? No? Just me? Fuck you guys. All right. No, I just want to say, because, like, you know, when you get a crap nickname, like Boogerface or, like, Numpty or something horrible like that. Jelly Roll. Maybe you could attest. Maybe you could attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. You know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like, my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf. And his justification for that was is whenever he screamed, he got exactly what he wanted. I mean, he could have called him Donald. It would have worked the same. It's all right, though. My dad sealed the name deal with my brother because my brother came out of the closet, and his name's Benedict. That's already, I'm British, my brother's name's Benedict. I'm already at a good start. And my brother on the couch just yells, Dad, the door is ringing. And my dad just goes, yeah, Bendy Dick.

Speaker 2:
[88:32] All right, over his time. Matt Campbell, welcome, Matt. You want to finish that or was it were you done there?

Speaker 19:
[88:37] Well, I was just going to say my brother's name was Bendy Dick after that. That was...

Speaker 2:
[88:42] Okay. All right. Well, are you English?

Speaker 19:
[88:46] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[88:46] Okay. How long have you been in America?

Speaker 19:
[88:49] I've been in America about nine years now.

Speaker 14:
[88:53] All right.

Speaker 1:
[88:54] Yeah.

Speaker 19:
[88:55] Okay.

Speaker 14:
[88:55] Where at?

Speaker 19:
[88:56] I lived in Colorado Springs for like eight years and then I moved here like seven months ago. So like almost nine years I've been in America if I do the math right.

Speaker 1:
[89:07] Yeah.

Speaker 19:
[89:07] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[89:08] What school did you go to?

Speaker 14:
[89:09] Hogwarts?

Speaker 19:
[89:12] I do look like a bit of... Like I'm wearing like a Weasley sweater right now. There's no...

Speaker 3:
[89:20] What do you do for work?

Speaker 19:
[89:22] I wait tables now.

Speaker 4:
[89:23] Okay.

Speaker 19:
[89:24] I used to be a valet at W Hotel, but now I wait tables.

Speaker 4:
[89:28] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[89:28] Where are you waiting tables at?

Speaker 19:
[89:30] Cousin Louis. Shout out Cousin Louis up in Dripping Springs. Great place to work.

Speaker 2:
[89:34] All right. That's where you live, Dripping Springs?

Speaker 19:
[89:36] Yeah. I don't live there. I live just 10 minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive.

Speaker 2:
[89:41] It's a bit of a drive. It's a bit of a drive, a long time.

Speaker 19:
[89:43] It's worth it. The money's pretty good.

Speaker 1:
[89:45] Okay.

Speaker 11:
[89:46] And are you Welsh, lad?

Speaker 19:
[89:48] No, not a drop.

Speaker 11:
[89:50] Not a drop. And what does it mean to be Welsh?

Speaker 19:
[89:52] What it means to be Welsh is you shag sheep for fun.

Speaker 12:
[89:55] Oh.

Speaker 19:
[89:58] I'll stand by that. I don't care.

Speaker 11:
[90:01] Yeah, I don't know. I'm just being curious about them.

Speaker 12:
[90:07] Talk to me about the nickname. What was it again?

Speaker 19:
[90:09] Buster Bacon.

Speaker 12:
[90:10] It was Buster Bacon?

Speaker 19:
[90:12] Yeah.

Speaker 12:
[90:12] They were going to call me Fatback at first. And then because I like jelly donuts, and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly donut and a goddamn Jelly Roll, that she called me Jelly Roll.

Speaker 19:
[90:23] That was it, because I ate bacon sandwiches.

Speaker 1:
[90:25] That's a true story.

Speaker 12:
[90:26] That's a true story. Did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from?

Speaker 19:
[90:31] Mostly, like, rude names, like Knobhead, Wanker. There's a couple other ones.

Speaker 12:
[90:37] But, like, we did that, too, but that would be their name. Like, we had one guy named Shit Stain. I'm not making this up, and we all called him Shit. His whole life. I never knew his real name to this day. Shout out, Shit. I love you, baby. I ain't seen you in a while. I miss you, dog.

Speaker 19:
[90:52] Shout out, Shit.

Speaker 11:
[90:53] Doudou Brown.

Speaker 12:
[90:55] I had a do-bug, a tingling.

Speaker 19:
[90:58] You had a tingling?

Speaker 12:
[90:59] There was a tingling, too. This is all true nicknames. You came from a neighborhood with nicknames, too, right?

Speaker 2:
[91:03] Well, yeah, but I actually... A little fun fact, since you brought it up, is we once did, in Nashville, Tennessee, a roast of Jelly Roll. And you're a smart guy, because you did your roast when you were still humongous. And you gave us a lot to work with. And I just so happened to search my phone for Jelly Roll roast, and I found an entire file of jokes that I did on Jelly Roll. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said Jelly Roll is Lizzo for Rednecks. I called him Leonard Skidmark. Hold on, Limp Bizkit and Gravy. This is a long file. I did a lot of jokes that night. There's a lot there. Jelly Roll is your favorite musician if your favorite meal is corn dog. There's a lot here. I don't even know where to begin.

Speaker 11:
[92:06] You already started.

Speaker 14:
[92:07] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[92:08] This is a gigantic file. I know there's a part where there's a roll.

Speaker 19:
[92:11] You've been going wild there. I'm feeling Jelly Roll.

Speaker 11:
[92:14] You can go a little bit, lad.

Speaker 2:
[92:15] If you could see what I'm doing.

Speaker 12:
[92:17] He's still scrolling.

Speaker 1:
[92:20] I thought we were friends.

Speaker 2:
[92:22] There's a part where I had... You scrolled more personal than me. At the end, I remember I went on a run of band fucking music puns, but now I've lost. I can't find it now.

Speaker 12:
[92:32] I'd give anything to hear that again.

Speaker 2:
[92:33] It's a live show.

Speaker 11:
[92:34] You're more of a churro now, though, bro. You know?

Speaker 19:
[92:39] I was going to say all have gotten breadstick, but, you know, he's doing well.

Speaker 14:
[92:41] Sinclair.

Speaker 19:
[92:42] Sinclair.

Speaker 2:
[92:44] Tell us more about your gay British life.

Speaker 11:
[92:47] Is it fun being British or does it just seem like it's whatever? Does it even seem like you're doing anything?

Speaker 19:
[92:53] I did recently.

Speaker 11:
[92:54] It seems so docile and fucking confused and librarianish.

Speaker 19:
[93:01] I did get asked for my papers recently. That was a fun experience at, like, you know.

Speaker 11:
[93:07] Yeah.

Speaker 19:
[93:08] Not my job. Just trying to wait tables. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11:
[93:11] What did they think you were?

Speaker 19:
[93:12] I don't know. I have no idea what they thought I was. I said, hello, madam. How can I help you today? Where are your papers? That was the first thing before I could even get to the menu.

Speaker 2:
[93:21] Wow.

Speaker 19:
[93:22] I'm just trying to give her some, like, eggplant rollatini or something.

Speaker 2:
[93:25] Yeah. How do you do with the ladies?

Speaker 19:
[93:29] I've got a girlfriend.

Speaker 2:
[93:30] Okay. She's Texan?

Speaker 19:
[93:31] She's in Colorado, but she's from Wyoming.

Speaker 2:
[93:34] Okay. How's that going?

Speaker 19:
[93:36] It's going pretty good.

Speaker 2:
[93:37] You guys talk on the phone a lot?

Speaker 19:
[93:39] It is a lot on FaceTime.

Speaker 2:
[93:41] You guys have phone sex?

Speaker 19:
[93:43] No, I can't do it.

Speaker 2:
[93:44] Really?

Speaker 19:
[93:45] Dude, it's too weird, man. Also, I don't know who the fuck's listening, dude. You guys are all cool with that. You have no idea who's listening. You're like, you're just like flicking your bean and just going, eh, eh. Did you, did you interrupt the call? What the fuck was that? I just figured we're going to be listening to, like all of us are going to have like our porn soundtracks whenever we do something too famous. You know what I mean? Just coming out. I'd be worried.

Speaker 11:
[94:10] Would you, lad? Sorry, I'm just joking.

Speaker 19:
[94:19] See, my accent's not funny. It's other people doing my accent, which is funny.

Speaker 11:
[94:23] I love British people, dude. I like Scottish people, actually.

Speaker 19:
[94:27] I'm going to be.

Speaker 11:
[94:28] And I like Irish people, and I like British people.

Speaker 19:
[94:32] You haven't exactly narrated down, but yes, we're doing well.

Speaker 2:
[94:36] What's the craziest gig you've done here in America, stand-up-wise?

Speaker 19:
[94:42] I did a show in Houston where they were all, it was like a drug bazaar.

Speaker 2:
[94:48] Drug bazaar. Drug bazaar, drug bazaar. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. What do you mean, drug bazaar?

Speaker 19:
[94:59] Like, everyone was just like, like I went, I went to like, like go to the green room and on my way, it's just like tables full of like molly, acid, weed, mushrooms.

Speaker 2:
[95:11] Where?

Speaker 19:
[95:12] This is Houston. This is Houston.

Speaker 2:
[95:14] Where exactly in Houston is this table?

Speaker 19:
[95:17] I could find like the details on my phone later.

Speaker 2:
[95:21] We don't really.

Speaker 12:
[95:21] I have prayed for a green room like that my entire career. This is how I imagine the 80s were before phones existed.

Speaker 19:
[95:28] It felt a little bit like that.

Speaker 12:
[95:29] Dope everywhere and people having fun.

Speaker 11:
[95:31] Dude, I got this thing one time. So I had to do a comedy show at... There was something at like the Golden Bridge or whatever in California. It's like the really nice bridge.

Speaker 2:
[95:43] Golden Gate Bridge.

Speaker 11:
[95:45] Golden Gate Bridge, yeah.

Speaker 19:
[95:48] Even I know that one, Theo.

Speaker 11:
[95:49] Yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. And so anyway, I do this thing and it's all, it's like a weed conference, right? And my set was at like 11, 15 or something. And I get up and there's nobody in there. There's like one dude who's dressed like a boat captain or something, this is, he's lost. And somebody left somebody up front that like had left a sibling up front that was kind of mentally ill or whatever. You know, one of God's oysters or whatever. And, but brother, they didn't put like a little sign on him or anything. So I'm fucking, this dude is like giving me a lot of grief and shit. And I, they got me so high before the thing, bro. It was just so, it was embarrassing and sad, bro. And it was just like, God, that was harrowing, bro. That was harrowing.

Speaker 19:
[96:37] I mean, I was, it sounds terrible.

Speaker 11:
[96:42] That's why we left your country, dude.

Speaker 19:
[96:51] I'll tell you what, it's why I left, that's for sure.

Speaker 2:
[96:54] Matt Campbell, congratulations. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Matt Campbell, everybody. I keep it moving along here. We're flying right through it. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Anthony Martin, everybody. Anthony Martin. Here comes Anthony.

Speaker 8:
[97:14] Okay. Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the Internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal. The way it works, it's like a young bro starts catfishing a pedophile, meets him out in a Walmart. He's just like, Hey, you looking for Rebecca? I'm Rebecca. And he's like, I got dirt, just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, leave me alone. He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism or mental disabilities, or they're running for reelection. And I just feel guilty. I feel guilty. I was sexting with my fiance the other day, and I was saying all the dirty stuff of, like, I'm gonna take you down, flip you around all over town, all that, and I, uh, not good at it, but I send the text, and I immediately get a response back from my mother-in-law. I said, Anthony, never text me that again. Come say it to my face.

Speaker 2:
[98:31] Anthony Martin, everybody.

Speaker 5:
[98:32] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 2:
[98:33] Funny stuff. Anthony, where are you from?

Speaker 8:
[98:37] I'm from Burbank, California. Okay, wow.

Speaker 2:
[98:40] The former home of The Tonight Show, yeah. Redban used to live there. I used to live there. What part of Burbank, exactly?

Speaker 8:
[98:48] I used to live...

Speaker 2:
[98:48] Alameda and Victory?

Speaker 8:
[98:50] No. Mariposa? I'll write on Glen Oaks.

Speaker 2:
[98:53] Glen Oaks and...?

Speaker 8:
[98:54] I don't want to...

Speaker 2:
[98:56] Oh, you still live there?

Speaker 8:
[98:57] My family still lives there.

Speaker 2:
[98:58] Oh, wow. Yeah, we don't want these fans tracking down your family. It's a bunch of angry pedophiles.

Speaker 4:
[99:04] Your son was making jokes about us getting beaten up.

Speaker 2:
[99:08] Fuck your son.

Speaker 4:
[99:09] Wait.

Speaker 2:
[99:09] No, we'll fuck your son.

Speaker 8:
[99:12] Bring me your son.

Speaker 2:
[99:13] Anthony, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 8:
[99:16] I work in property management. Okay.

Speaker 2:
[99:18] How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 8:
[99:19] Uh, almost ten years.

Speaker 2:
[99:21] Ten years. And you're managing property in Burbank?

Speaker 8:
[99:24] No. I live in Portland, Oregon, right now. I got engaged, and that's where her family lives.

Speaker 2:
[99:29] Okay. All right.

Speaker 11:
[99:30] Portland's nice.

Speaker 8:
[99:32] It is nice.

Speaker 11:
[99:33] People, it gets like a crazy rap because of all, like, the people, like, the, um... Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[99:37] Because all the people that live there?

Speaker 11:
[99:38] No, it's like the Renaissance Fair people fighting the fucking gay addicts or whatever. Whatever the shit is. You know what I'm saying? The shit that was on the Internet. But you go there, dude, it's frickin cool, man.

Speaker 8:
[99:49] Yeah, the food there is great. I really like the food. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[99:52] They do have good food. There's that one big food court. You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 11:
[99:56] I didn't eat while I was there. But we had a great time.

Speaker 12:
[99:59] Ain't that where Voodoo Donuts is from?

Speaker 8:
[100:01] Yeah, Voodoo Donuts, I think, is from Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 11:
[100:05] Is that true?

Speaker 8:
[100:06] Is it?

Speaker 2:
[100:07] Yes.

Speaker 8:
[100:08] Or I'm wrong.

Speaker 2:
[100:09] A very fat, angry man just BLBSed in the audience.

Speaker 19:
[100:11] This is the kind of shit I would know.

Speaker 12:
[100:14] This is the value I bring to tonight's show.

Speaker 8:
[100:16] You know the origin story of Every Donut Place? They call me Jelly Roll for a reason.

Speaker 1:
[100:22] The origin story.

Speaker 12:
[100:23] Only the ones that are legal as marijuana states.

Speaker 11:
[100:27] From a small dozen in Antioch.

Speaker 2:
[100:34] I love it. Anthony, where did you meet this girl at?

Speaker 8:
[100:38] Funny enough, Tinder.

Speaker 2:
[100:40] Okay. She was in Portland and you were in Burbank and you're like, what's up?

Speaker 8:
[100:44] Well, we met in California. And then, funny story, I knew I loved her from like the moment we met. Like I met her and I was like, God, I love her so much. And it's like creepy. I know, I know. I know how it felt. Did you tell her that? No, no, no, no. Fuck no. Are you insane?

Speaker 11:
[101:04] Say it, it's insane. You have to not say it.

Speaker 8:
[101:06] No, I met her. I knew that immediately. And then she told me she was moving to Portland, Oregon. And I was like, oh, fuck. And then I was like, oh, yeah, that's cool. That's fine. We wrap up the date and I go back to my car and I'm like punching the passenger seat. Like, God damn it. We end up meeting up a few years later and it just, she couldn't let me go.

Speaker 2:
[101:26] Wow. Amazing. Luckily, she did not see you beating your passenger seat aggressively right after the date.

Speaker 1:
[101:33] This could be you.

Speaker 2:
[101:35] Yeah, it may have scared her away. So you just ran into her a few years later or?

Speaker 8:
[101:40] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[101:41] How did that happen?

Speaker 8:
[101:43] COVID. Okay. COVID.

Speaker 2:
[101:45] So you guys were like chatting again.

Speaker 8:
[101:47] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[101:47] And then you-

Speaker 8:
[101:48] She was not texting me back that often. So ladies, if there's a guy that's texting you a lot and you're not texting him back that much, uh, fuck you.

Speaker 2:
[101:58] That's a good point. That's a good point. What does she do in Portland? What does she sell on Etsy?

Speaker 8:
[102:06] She's a crystal farmer. No. She does remote medical work. More complicated than I can explain.

Speaker 2:
[102:16] Right.

Speaker 8:
[102:16] Absolutely.

Speaker 11:
[102:18] Telehealth?

Speaker 8:
[102:19] Somewhat. I don't know. I know something, insurance, uh, stuff.

Speaker 11:
[102:26] It's popular.

Speaker 10:
[102:27] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[102:28] Yeah, it sounds about right.

Speaker 11:
[102:29] I do telehealth.

Speaker 2:
[102:30] You're managing properties, so that's like apartments in Portland?

Speaker 8:
[102:34] Yes.

Speaker 2:
[102:35] So what's some of the crazy stuff that you've had to do? What's some bad stuff that you've seen?

Speaker 8:
[102:39] Well, I used to live here in Austin. I have...

Speaker 2:
[102:43] For how long? How long?

Speaker 8:
[102:44] How dark of a story can I tell you, Tony?

Speaker 2:
[102:47] Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 8:
[102:48] So, uh, brought to you by Shopify Talkspace Prize picks. I was... Yeah. Shout that out. Uh, I was working here in Austin, Texas, a few years ago, and, you know, close to the office, there was a smell, a peculiar smell that no one could... We were like, man, what's this smell? We got to find the source of the smell. And eventually, we found a dead body. Wow. Yes, it had been dead for about... It's he. That was a person. Uh, he had killed himself maybe, like, three months ago. Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[103:24] And it was just in the apartment?

Speaker 8:
[103:26] Yeah, right in the apartment.

Speaker 2:
[103:27] He pre-paid his rent or whatever?

Speaker 8:
[103:29] Well, the reason why we couldn't find him is because he had auto-pay on. Oh, wow. That's probably... I don't like my job. And the idea that they got extra money from this guy who was dead kind of bugs me. Yeah. But yeah, the rea... Say his name. So we find his body. No, no. I'm gonna say his mom's name, but it's because it's relevant to the story. Because at a certain point, his mom showed up. No one could find his next of kin. His file was so old, we couldn't... It was a younger guy. His mom shows up.

Speaker 2:
[104:03] His dog had cancer. Go ahead. Then what happened?

Speaker 8:
[104:08] But his mom shows up and she's like, hey, I'm looking for my son. And she points to that apartment right there, the one with the smell and all that. And I was just an assistant at the time. And I go to my manager. She had a family member die recently. She couldn't speak. She left the office. I had to deliver the news. I had to deliver the news.

Speaker 2:
[104:30] Can you tell us how you broke it?

Speaker 11:
[104:31] You want to do a reenactment with Jelly Roll?

Speaker 2:
[104:33] Yeah, Jelly Roll.

Speaker 11:
[104:43] Let's see it. Is that okay?

Speaker 2:
[104:44] Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 8:
[104:45] No, we love this. Ma'am, sit down. I just, I wanted to... There's no easy way to say this.

Speaker 19:
[104:55] He dead.

Speaker 8:
[104:57] He died. He's dead.

Speaker 2:
[104:59] Oh, wow.

Speaker 19:
[104:59] Dead.

Speaker 16:
[105:01] Somebody say...

Speaker 2:
[105:10] When you broke the news to her, did you leave out the part? Like, did she ask how? Did she... I mean, she had no idea.

Speaker 8:
[105:18] We didn't know. We, uh...

Speaker 11:
[105:19] Man, fucking tell us, dude. We all came here tonight.

Speaker 8:
[105:24] We didn't know at the time. He shot his face with a shotgun.

Speaker 2:
[105:29] God, bro!

Speaker 8:
[105:31] Well, hold on. I blame... So his neighbors didn't hear anything. That's fucking wild. His neighbors were just like, I don't... That's not my business. Like, what a fucking...

Speaker 2:
[105:43] Wow.

Speaker 8:
[105:43] That's nuts.

Speaker 2:
[105:44] Did you happen to tell the mom that his body was decomposing for months before he was found?

Speaker 8:
[105:49] Uh, yeah. No, I did. We, uh... I kind of walked her through the beginning of the story. We had suspicions. There was a smell in the apartment. We called the police. They found the body. Uh, because you'd never want, like, one of your maintenance guys to, like, walk in there and have that on their conscience. Yeah. Um, but I was sitting on the ground holding her hand while she, by the way, wails, I'll never be able to forget. They only gave me one day off of work.

Speaker 6:
[106:13] Wow.

Speaker 11:
[106:16] Who do you mean by they?

Speaker 8:
[106:19] Uh, well, I still have to work with them, so...

Speaker 2:
[106:30] The old lord of the land, the land lord. The lord of all the lands, I think.

Speaker 8:
[106:36] I'm not lording over any land. I don't own any of this shit.

Speaker 2:
[106:38] No, I know, I'm talking about that.

Speaker 8:
[106:39] There's a big rich guy, and he just tells me he's like going to the apartments. And I'm like, I don't, that's illegal. The rich people have no idea. Is this guy blind? No, no. Okay, nevermind.

Speaker 2:
[106:53] That guy's blind, though.

Speaker 8:
[106:54] Okay.

Speaker 2:
[106:56] Why? Why are you curious about who's blind around you?

Speaker 11:
[106:59] Black on the inside, black on the outside.

Speaker 7:
[107:01] You feel me?

Speaker 8:
[107:02] You were way more cross-eyed a second ago. Maybe you just relaxed a little too much. It's fine.

Speaker 2:
[107:08] He was just trying to focus on you.

Speaker 8:
[107:10] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[107:11] Sitting in the closest seat.

Speaker 8:
[107:12] He's trying to look at both of my ears at the same time. Wow.

Speaker 2:
[107:16] So you found a dead body, and that's a hell of a, that's a hell of a thing.

Speaker 8:
[107:21] Yeah. So the point I wanted to get to is I'm holding the mom's hand, she's wailing, she's crying, and I asked her, I'm trying to comfort her. I'm like, what's your name? And she's like, huh, I'm gay.

Speaker 9:
[107:34] Oh, shit.

Speaker 8:
[107:35] Her name is like Gaylord, but just the gay part. I tried not to laugh. That's not a...

Speaker 19:
[107:40] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[107:42] That's a terrible, it's so dark, but to be fair, he had been dead for like a month. Like, I was over it.

Speaker 19:
[107:48] Right.

Speaker 3:
[107:49] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[107:50] I was over it. I was finding the humor.

Speaker 3:
[107:54] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[107:54] We were already making jokes around the office that he was haunting the place.

Speaker 11:
[107:58] Yeah.

Speaker 8:
[108:01] And that's that's that story. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:
[108:04] Oh, that's great. Fun stuff. Fun set. Fun interview.

Speaker 3:
[108:08] Anthony Martin, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2:
[108:11] Here you go, Anthony. Boom. Big joke book. There he goes. Let's get one more bucket pull out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Gabriel Adam, everybody. Gabriel Adam.

Speaker 20:
[108:33] I recently learned, I think, that the. I don't think I just have to stand up here and make no jokes, and you guys would all be cracking up. I mean, this is great.

Speaker 16:
[108:53] I honestly, I love this.

Speaker 20:
[109:00] I recently learned that there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy. Last week, I did this joke about beating my girlfriend. This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her. I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave, and now I can't... I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch fucking... She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to say. Seriously, though, if anybody sees her, tell her, come on.

Speaker 2:
[109:53] Okay, there you go, Gabriel Adam, one of the most interesting-looking people we've ever seen in our lives.

Speaker 3:
[109:59] The verdict is in.

Speaker 2:
[110:01] You look hilarious, Theo Von.

Speaker 20:
[110:04] Wonderful.

Speaker 11:
[110:05] Give it up for Comet McGregor right here. That was kind of cheap, man, I'm sorry. No, but it is nice you come out and people... Dude, in fact, you got 25 seconds of free laughs.

Speaker 20:
[110:18] I mean, it's good. It feels good.

Speaker 11:
[110:20] Yeah, it probably made it a little bit easier, did it?

Speaker 20:
[110:22] Uh, no, not at all.

Speaker 2:
[110:23] Oh, shit. It is so exciting.

Speaker 11:
[110:25] Dang, I was hoping that would have helped.

Speaker 2:
[110:28] You never know who will pop out here. Having the Buc-E's mascot come out right now is just absolutely incredible.

Speaker 20:
[110:35] I'm still waiting for that brand deal money. I mean, any time now.

Speaker 2:
[110:38] Very rare is someone both frightening and adorable at the same time, but somehow you kind of pull off both. Tell us about this life of yours. I cannot wait to find out about this life.

Speaker 11:
[110:50] Oh, God.

Speaker 2:
[110:51] How old are you?

Speaker 20:
[110:52] I'm 31 years old.

Speaker 2:
[110:53] Okay, 31.

Speaker 10:
[110:55] Wow.

Speaker 11:
[110:56] You look great, man. You do. You look good. Looks, I mean, pretty good. I don't look... You look like a guy.

Speaker 20:
[111:04] It's the lucky charms, you know. I keep eating them.

Speaker 2:
[111:06] Okay, so let's talk about it. Where are you from?

Speaker 20:
[111:09] I'm from Austin, Minnesota.

Speaker 2:
[111:11] Whoa. Okay. All right.

Speaker 20:
[111:14] Yeah. You guys don't know where that is. Don't lie.

Speaker 2:
[111:16] Okay. Where do you live now?

Speaker 20:
[111:19] I live in Austin, Texas, now.

Speaker 2:
[111:20] Okay. How long have you lived here?

Speaker 20:
[111:22] I've been here for about a month and a half.

Speaker 2:
[111:24] What made you move here?

Speaker 20:
[111:26] Your show.

Speaker 2:
[111:26] Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 20:
[111:29] A month and a half.

Speaker 2:
[111:29] Okay. So you started a month and a half ago. This is amazing. We're getting down to the bottom of it. I love it. Do you have a job here in Austin yet?

Speaker 20:
[111:39] I do. I'm an Uber driver.

Speaker 2:
[111:41] Amazing.

Speaker 20:
[111:41] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[111:42] Is that what you did in Austin, Minnesota, as well?

Speaker 20:
[111:44] No, no, no, no. Not at all. I was a car salesman.

Speaker 2:
[111:47] Okay. What kind of cars were you selling?

Speaker 20:
[111:49] I started with Subarus and then I went to Fords and then I went to Kias and wanted to kill myself, so I stopped.

Speaker 1:
[111:55] Wow.

Speaker 14:
[111:56] Why did you choose those?

Speaker 20:
[111:58] Well, Subaru in Minnesota is super easy to sell.

Speaker 2:
[112:01] Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 20:
[112:01] All-wheel drive, everybody sells ice cream.

Speaker 2:
[112:03] Liberal bulldikes up there, so yeah. And then you went to Fords, so you had to sell to actual men. I'd imagine that was hard.

Speaker 20:
[112:10] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[112:10] So you're like, I'm going to Kias and fucking...

Speaker 20:
[112:13] Well, it was complicated, actually. I had a fling with one of the clerks behind the desk, and it turned out kind of bad, so...

Speaker 2:
[112:19] Is that at Ford or Kia?

Speaker 20:
[112:21] That was at Ford. Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[112:22] Well, you seem like a character from Tires, dude. You really do. I mean that as a compliment, dude.

Speaker 20:
[112:30] Yeah, I take it as a compliment.

Speaker 11:
[112:31] You seem like a character, bro.

Speaker 7:
[112:32] Hell, yeah.

Speaker 20:
[112:33] I love that show.

Speaker 2:
[112:34] Amazing. Absolutely. So what kind of drugs have you done in your life to look 55 at 31?

Speaker 20:
[112:44] Uh, I've done pretty much every drug under the sun, my friend. Yes, sir.

Speaker 2:
[112:49] Absolutely.

Speaker 11:
[112:50] And what was your DOC? Is that what you guys call it?

Speaker 2:
[112:53] Yeah.

Speaker 11:
[112:54] What was your DOC?

Speaker 20:
[112:55] I don't know what that means.

Speaker 12:
[112:56] Drug of choice.

Speaker 20:
[112:57] Oh, LSD all day.

Speaker 2:
[112:59] Wow.

Speaker 12:
[112:59] Really?

Speaker 18:
[112:59] Yeah. It looks like it.

Speaker 20:
[113:01] Thank you.

Speaker 2:
[113:02] It looks like he rode here from Minnesota on a rocket ship.

Speaker 20:
[113:06] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[113:07] Like riding, riding it just like, ah!

Speaker 20:
[113:11] I figured if they can send a million of them to Ukraine, I could borrow one.

Speaker 12:
[113:15] When is the last time you did LSD?

Speaker 20:
[113:18] About two months ago.

Speaker 12:
[113:19] Tell me about it.

Speaker 20:
[113:21] That was an interesting experience. I watched this fucking documentary on...

Speaker 12:
[113:24] Liquid or paper?

Speaker 20:
[113:26] Paper.

Speaker 12:
[113:27] Really?

Speaker 20:
[113:28] Yes, sir.

Speaker 12:
[113:29] Okay, it.

Speaker 20:
[113:30] Let's go to 1995. it.

Speaker 2:
[113:34] Fear and loathing in Minnesota.

Speaker 20:
[113:36] It's old-fashioned.

Speaker 11:
[113:37] He's a romanticist.

Speaker 2:
[113:40] So what did you do after taking the paper acid in Minnesota?

Speaker 20:
[113:43] Well, I had this really sick 4K home theater set up, so I had this 128 inches of beautiful, glorified, you know, it was a initiation. It's this documentary on Gaia about, like, the dimensions and how fucking life is put together. And it was beautiful. I, like, shot out of my body, like, four times and came back just laughing hysterically.

Speaker 14:
[114:02] Wow.

Speaker 2:
[114:04] It sounds like a blast.

Speaker 20:
[114:05] Hell yeah.

Speaker 2:
[114:06] Did you notice that you looked different after that trip?

Speaker 20:
[114:10] It fucking changed me, that's for goddamn sure. Absolutely.

Speaker 2:
[114:14] Yeah, incredible. What's your love life like?

Speaker 20:
[114:18] Oh, it's non-existent right now. I signed up for Sex Addicts Anonymous recently just to kind of see if I could meet somebody there.

Speaker 19:
[114:25] That was a...

Speaker 20:
[114:28] It was a terrible idea.

Speaker 1:
[114:31] Did you really?

Speaker 20:
[114:32] I swear to God.

Speaker 11:
[114:33] How'd you sign up? I think there's a lot of Zooms you can just go to.

Speaker 20:
[114:36] Well, when I showed up, I actually walked through the wrong door and it was just like five geriatric, like 80-year-old people and I was really concerned at first, you know. It turned out to be an alcoholics anonymous meeting there. But just a bunch of gay dudes talking about getting fucked in the butt a lot.

Speaker 2:
[114:51] Oh, shit. That's where we met. I knew I recognized you from somewhere. You're the guy that walked in and came out. There you go. Thank you. Redban's one fart noise per episode. Amazing. So, wow, that's who goes to the sex attic.

Speaker 20:
[115:11] People that look like me, apparently.

Speaker 2:
[115:13] Amazing.

Speaker 14:
[115:14] What made you go to that? Like, what makes you think that you're a sex attic?

Speaker 20:
[115:18] You know, sometimes I think I look a little bit too long at the gym, you know?

Speaker 2:
[115:23] Like, staring at women at the gym?

Speaker 20:
[115:25] Yeah, you know, like...

Speaker 2:
[115:26] Sure, that doesn't bother them at all.

Speaker 20:
[115:29] When they don't see me doing it, no, usually they don't.

Speaker 2:
[115:31] Where do you like to hide? What do you hide behind when you do it? What's your favorite hiding spot at the gym to watch women work out? First time I've asked that question in 13 years.

Speaker 20:
[115:40] Oh, beautiful. Glad. I can get some firsts. Just whatever machine I'm using. Just kind of peek a little bit behind.

Speaker 2:
[115:46] Right.

Speaker 20:
[115:46] I'm actually pretty blatant about it. I really don't hide it.

Speaker 2:
[115:49] Right. That's good.

Speaker 7:
[115:50] I like that.

Speaker 2:
[115:53] But you haven't been with a woman since you've been in Austin?

Speaker 20:
[115:55] I have not, no. I've had a few in my car, but that's because I drive over.

Speaker 2:
[115:58] Have you kissed a woman since you've been in Austin?

Speaker 20:
[116:00] No, I haven't kissed a woman.

Speaker 2:
[116:02] We have a little statement.

Speaker 3:
[116:03] We're coming up towards the end of the episode.

Speaker 2:
[116:06] We've been doing a thing on this show for 13 years where we ask if a lovely lady from the audience has the courage. We have the best fan base in the world, so if there's a lady out there that wants to get this guy his first Austin kiss, now's the time to stand up. Is there a lady out here that you have to volunteer yourself?

Speaker 3:
[116:25] You can't just point at random women.

Speaker 11:
[116:27] Don't shame to put a wig on again, huh?

Speaker 3:
[116:31] How can there...

Speaker 2:
[116:32] Look at this guy. How can there not be a woman that wants to kiss this guy? Really? Nobody? I literally see actual hookers in the audience, and none of them will do this.

Speaker 20:
[116:48] I guess Bucky Mascot is not the best celebrity look-alike.

Speaker 2:
[116:52] Well, I mean, there's nothing more depressing than no woman wanting to...

Speaker 11:
[116:56] There's not that many women in here.

Speaker 2:
[116:58] Well, there kind of is. I'm seeing a lot other than this table of fucking dudes.

Speaker 3:
[117:04] Whoa! The queen of Kill Tony, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2:
[117:36] My goodness, how do you feel, my friend?

Speaker 20:
[117:40] I have to like fucking pinch myself, I think. I don't know, the whole thing, unbelievable.

Speaker 2:
[117:46] Amazing, absolutely incredible. Congratulations to you, Gabriel Adam. Anything else for Gabriel, guys?

Speaker 11:
[117:54] Nope, nice to see you today.

Speaker 20:
[117:57] I'll see you at the next one.

Speaker 12:
[117:59] Listen, man, I think you were fucking hilarious, man. I wish you the best, brother. I think you've only been doing it a while, you said, but I think you're gonna kill it. Keep doing it.

Speaker 20:
[118:05] I appreciate that.

Speaker 2:
[118:06] I gotta tell you, I agree with Jelly Roll here. For doing it a month and a half, you have a really, really clever brain. Even the thing about signing up for a sex addicts class just to meet women, like you have an interesting brain and I think you moved here for good reason where I don't always say that to a lot of people. But anyone who has a good eye for premises this early on, you'll always get better at doing it and writing it in your way. For a month and a half, it's fantastic. So you're leaving here with a big jokebook, my friend.

Speaker 3:
[118:37] There he goes.

Speaker 2:
[118:38] Gabriel Adam, everybody. Yeah, we will. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this, everybody. And William, oh my goodness. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone?

Speaker 8:
[118:57] What a legend.

Speaker 3:
[118:59] What a team player.

Speaker 2:
[119:05] The great William Montgomery is under the weather today, everyone. Yet again.

Speaker 11:
[119:10] He owes me money. That's why.

Speaker 2:
[119:11] Yet again. However, William, I do believe makes a cameo in Busboys out this Friday.

Speaker 11:
[119:17] Yep. William Montgomery is in Busboys. He'll be in there.

Speaker 2:
[119:20] Cam Patterson makes an appearance. A lot of the Kill Tony family is in it. KC Rocket, the man, the myth. He'll be back soon.

Speaker 12:
[119:30] Support the movie, y'all. Support the movie.

Speaker 1:
[119:32] Theo Von, David Spade, Busboys. Don't fuck this up.

Speaker 2:
[119:36] But before we get out of here, even though William's under the weather, I do have an extremely special treat for you. He might be one of the top rising comedians in the world. He might be one of the best already, if you ask me. This kid has been crushing theaters all around the United States of America. You've seen his rise here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 6:
[119:59] A monster and one day a citizen of the United States of America. But he remains the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 1:
[120:10] This is Ari Matty.

Speaker 2:
[120:36] Are we doing good? You shouldn't. Because war is coming. Just my luck. As soon as I get citizenship, draft it. Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. And prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. A bunch of 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and... Down syndrome people, we send them. Oh, yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision? No, it's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them. We get them all together in a parking lot, we connect them with a rope. We look them in the eyes and we tell them, listen, they killed Santa Claus. Everybody goes! Cripples, mentally challenged, even women. Gay people, we send them. I know you guys don't do that. By the way, the only way I'm going to war is if I have a gay squad mate. I'm protecting that motherfucker more than the medic. He's the only one sucking dick back at the base. Dylan, get behind me! I'm saving Dylan's life. No left behind. Thank you so much. That's my time.

Speaker 1:
[123:37] Goddamn. Exactly three minutes.

Speaker 6:
[123:39] Doing triple the work that he had to do. Rocking the joint harder than it's been rocked all night. The freak of nature, the Estonian assassin, doing it his way. So many funny beats in there, man. And you got the call today. Out of nowhere.

Speaker 2:
[124:02] Yeah, I couldn't pick one subject, so I just threw them all out there.

Speaker 6:
[124:05] I love it, man.

Speaker 2:
[124:06] Needs a better ending, but I'll fucking figure it out, dude.

Speaker 6:
[124:09] Yeah, you will figure it out. I've missed you so much, Ari.

Speaker 3:
[124:11] Oh, I missed you too, Redban.

Speaker 4:
[124:13] Being on the road so much.

Speaker 6:
[124:14] Yeah, Ari's doing a thing right now where he's doing so good on the road that he's adding shows on Mondays, which is in what? Which is pretty much unprecedented exactly, right? Like, he's like staying and adding shows and getting crazy deals. It's amazing.

Speaker 5:
[124:30] He's a killer, man. He deserves it.

Speaker 12:
[124:32] Amen. Amen.

Speaker 2:
[124:33] Thank you, Jelly Roll. Holy shit, you look so good, man.

Speaker 3:
[124:39] Thank you, Ari.

Speaker 12:
[124:40] Thank you, baby.

Speaker 2:
[124:41] Did you like Ozempic?

Speaker 12:
[124:42] No, no, I actually did it the old fashioned way.

Speaker 1:
[124:44] With the car?

Speaker 12:
[124:45] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:
[124:46] With the law.

Speaker 12:
[124:46] Worked eight months.

Speaker 5:
[124:49] You get a lot of haters that like Ozempic, people that hate you for doing it that way kind of?

Speaker 12:
[124:53] No, no, I just get people that just like won't accept that I did it any other way. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2:
[124:57] Cheaters. Yeah, Ozempic, cheaters looking.

Speaker 12:
[125:00] I don't mind it though. Listen, man, all jokes aside, if you're like, fuck dude, I was like dying fat. If you're dying fat, do anything to get the weight off.

Speaker 4:
[125:07] Shoot the shot, baby, go for the shot. Yeah.

Speaker 6:
[125:10] You hear that, Redban? It's never too late.

Speaker 12:
[125:14] I will say when Redban hugged me, you could see he had a moment of self-awareness. I felt it in his hug, cause he looked me in the eye and you could tell, he said, man, I'm proud of you. And then a little sadness was in his eyes. I was like, it made me feel bad a little bit between. I shouldn't have even brought it up. I'm sorry, Redban, I love you. Horrible time, and I should, I got Theoed out right there. I should have waited till we were backstage.

Speaker 6:
[125:43] Absolutely perfect. Ari Turing's been going good?

Speaker 2:
[125:46] Yeah, I went to Florida for a month. I'm now addicted to pills, great. Yeah, I went to Florida. It was so beautiful. Holy shit, I went to Fort Lauderdale. Great spot. I didn't like Miami too much. I mean, obviously, everyone, you know, I don't like coked out, oiled up men, you know.

Speaker 5:
[126:07] Yeah, I love sex trafficking.

Speaker 2:
[126:10] Sex trafficking? Oh, well, I guess I'll go back. Adding shows in Miami. All weekend, dude. Yeah, I saw like a fist fight at the beach, like between two guys. It was over a bungalow.

Speaker 6:
[126:27] Oh, yep, that's Miami.

Speaker 2:
[126:29] It was like bungalows on the beach, and you know, when bitches see bungalows, you know. So the bungalow was taken, and the two guys and the two whores, they go to swim. They're, oh, yeah. They go to swim, and then another two whores and two guys come take their bungalow. So they're fucking fist Speedos on, just, it's my bungalow. Dude, how angry do you have to be? You're coming out of a refreshing ocean, and you're combat ready? If I come out of an ocean, you could be raping my mom in the bungalow, dude. You're chill. I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone, slow down. What's happening? Yeah, Miami is super coked out and not into that. I like Naples, old people, love them. Love old fox. It feels good when you're like, when you know you're like on a beach and you can just murder everyone on the beach. Rule a peninsula.

Speaker 6:
[127:37] No one's stealing your bungalow there.

Speaker 2:
[127:39] What else did I do? Oh, I went to a Nike outlet store.

Speaker 6:
[127:43] Oh, tell us about an Estonian's experience at a Nike outlet store.

Speaker 2:
[127:48] Yeah, I didn't know Nike has that.

Speaker 6:
[127:49] Yeah.

Speaker 2:
[127:50] Like shitty ass products that don't do it. We just have the Nike store, which by the way, looking at the things there, I think we get the outlet just without the word. So I go in, packed, packed, with black people, packed. Me and the cashier are only white people there. I see two big black bitches at the register. And when you see two big black women at the register, you know there's gonna be an issue. You know this ain't gonna go smoothly.

Speaker 5:
[128:26] Pre-Tonkey.

Speaker 4:
[128:30] Dude, as soon as I open the door, I just hear, You motherfuckers last time, I was your motherfucker piece of shit.

Speaker 2:
[128:38] They were trying to return an item. Dude, they're trying to return like some shorts, and those shorts look like, they've been to Ukraine, dude. There's yelling, little like white girl at the, just at the register. Oh, I'm sorry, that's an adidas. You know, before moving to America, I wasn't a racist, but, after two years of living here, I'm beginning to see some patterns.

Speaker 6:
[129:15] That's how it happens. That's how you get your citizenship. That's the final test.

Speaker 4:
[129:20] You have to be racist.

Speaker 6:
[129:23] Ari Matty, your tour continues on and on. It's arimatty.com, without a doubt.

Speaker 2:
[129:28] I'm in Nashville soon, guys. I'll see you there, my friends.

Speaker 6:
[129:31] Yeah, the boys will be there. Do it.

Speaker 2:
[129:33] I love you, Theo. I love you, Jelly.

Speaker 6:
[129:35] Make some noise for the great Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 4:
[129:37] Bumps Boys.

Speaker 6:
[129:39] Bumps Boys. Go see it this Friday in theaters. Support real comedians making real comedy movies again. It's out this Friday, April 17th. Catch Jelly Roll here in Austin the 23rd of April, and us at the Greek Theater. We're doing it together, buddy.

Speaker 1:
[129:57] Yeah, baby, us and Andrew Schultz.

Speaker 6:
[129:59] Hell, yeah. We're gonna have a lot of fun there. That's gonna be a crazy week. Again, one more time for Shane Gillis, who's hosting the Roast of Kevin Hart. That's gonna be May 10th. Theo Von.

Speaker 5:
[130:10] Yep, I want to give a shout out to my producers that are here tonight, Zack Powers and Nick Davis and Chin Sun Yee up there from Fighter and the Kid. Want to say thank you guys for all the effort in making podcasts happen over the years. And yeah, thank you guys so much for just letting me be a part of this. And what a dude. So cool. I love you too, man. Thank you. I needed this today. And so thank everybody for being here. Praise God.

Speaker 6:
[130:31] Jelly Roll.

Speaker 1:
[130:32] I love y'all. Thanks for letting me be one of the musicians to get us in on the panel. Austin, Tony, I love you. Congratulations on what you built. The Kill Tony Band, Red Band. Y'all deserve it more than anybody in the world. Y'all give it up for the evil genius, Tony Hinchcliffe, baby.

Speaker 6:
[130:51] And a shout out to our production team, who we never get to shout out enough, the great Sarah Sloan, I, everybody, Colt, Monica, Steve, Dusty, Billy, everybody. Red Band.

Speaker 3:
[131:05] I'll be in San Diego, July 9th through 11th at theamericancomedycode.com.

Speaker 1:
[131:11] Love you guys.

Speaker 3:
[131:11] You get it.

Speaker 6:
[131:12] We're everywhere. Catch us in Vegas at WrestleMania, Los Angeles at the Intuit Dome, New York City, Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. And one last time, thank you to Shopify Talkspace, PricePix and Quo, and go see Busboys this Friday. Thank you, good night everybody, we love you.