transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:05] How do we tell our families that our ideal birth plan is to not have them visit the hospital? My mom's husband's sister decided to invite someone that she had from a missionary project for my rant to the hospital.
Speaker 2:
[00:20] Your mom's cousin's brother's sister's roommate. Hey, what's going on? What's going on? This is John with The Dr. John Delony Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people about their mental and emotional health, their kids, their lives, their marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love for you to be on the show. Click the link in the show notes if you want to be on this show. I don't take calls or answers on Instagram, Instagram Live or anything like that, but you can click the link in the show notes. Let Kelly know what's going on in your life and she will get you on the show. Let's go to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Kristin. Hey, Kristin, what's up?
Speaker 1:
[01:07] Hey, Dr. John, how are you?
Speaker 2:
[01:09] Doing great. How are you?
Speaker 1:
[01:11] Great.
Speaker 2:
[01:12] What's up?
Speaker 1:
[01:14] So, we were wondering, how do we tell our families that our ideal birth plan is to not have them visit the hospital after the birth of our twins?
Speaker 2:
[01:24] Oh, awesome. I think the first most important thing is stop calling it your ideal birth plan and just say, this is our plan.
Speaker 1:
[01:33] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[01:34] And I think you can take off all of the therapeutic words and all of the legalese words and all of the internetty words and just say, hey, here's what we're doing. And is this your first two kids?
Speaker 1:
[01:50] So no, we actually, so a little bit of backup history. In 2018, we gave birth to a little girl that died two hours after birth.
Speaker 2:
[02:00] What was her name?
Speaker 1:
[02:02] Stella Rose.
Speaker 2:
[02:03] Stella Rose. Amazing. Awesome.
Speaker 1:
[02:05] And everybody, we let everybody come for that. It was a little overwhelming, but we wanted everybody to meet her, so we let everybody in. And then in 2019, we gave birth to another little girl, Scarlet Rose. And everybody was there also for that, which was great. There was a few hiccups, some kind of oddities happened. My mom's husband's sister decided to invite someone that she had from a missionary project from Iran to the hospital.
Speaker 2:
[02:39] Your mom's cousin's brother's sister's roommate. Awesome.
Speaker 1:
[02:43] I know. I know. We had all kinds of people come and it was just a lot. It was a little overwhelming. And so now we are giving birth to twins in April. And I can just already tell it's going to be overwhelming because for one, we've never been parents to twins. And for two, this is going to be our second set of children that we have to try to navigate along with a sibling.
Speaker 2:
[03:14] Yeah, so I will tell you, we've done this in our house, my wife and I. I mean, my wife sent down an email to everybody. And here's how this is going to go. And I think all of that, I'm not certain, but if I remember correctly, it all started with a phone call. Hey, I'm going to send out our, I'm imagining since you have twins, like you already have a date and a time, I can do this, C-section and all that.
Speaker 1:
[03:48] Yep.
Speaker 2:
[03:48] Okay. So letting everybody know, I'm going to send out our plan and we're going to send it out via email. Just so everybody knows, this one is just going to be me and husband at the hospital. That's it.
Speaker 1:
[04:05] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[04:05] And I'll send out everything in writing about when it's going to be and when we hope to get home and all that. And I know everybody's excited for us, but this is how we're going to do it this time. Okay. And if you put in the word ideal for somebody who would be willing to invite another friend who is a sister of a brother, that person is going to see that as a crack in the doorway to do whatever they want.
Speaker 1:
[04:28] Exactly.
Speaker 2:
[04:29] And so we're not giving that, that's just not on the table. It's not going to happen. And this is how it's going to go. And then what you have to be prepared for, and you and your husband have to be committed, like arm in arm on this, is we are not going to be responsible for other people's response to what we want.
Speaker 1:
[04:50] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[04:50] Okay. And letting them know this is about overwhelm, this is about, we want to spend this time together, all those kinds of things. In fact, don't, I wouldn't, actually I wouldn't say it will all be overwhelming because everyone's going to say, well, I won't be overwhelming.
Speaker 1:
[05:06] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[05:07] I'll be quiet. I'll be good. We're not, it's, I want to spend this time with my husband. My husband wants to spend this time with just us. We're going to be here with the doctors. And then we would love for y'all to be at our house. We'd love for you to fill in the blank on the rest of it.
Speaker 1:
[05:21] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[05:22] And just let them go from there.
Speaker 1:
[05:24] So then, I guess, so we have mentioned, excuse me. We did mention it to just a couple. So we have divorced parents who are all remarried. So we have four sets of grandparents for these babies. And we have mentioned it to a couple of them. One of them is perfectly okay with it. She understands. The other one has told me that it's rude that I don't want them there. So am I actually valid in feeling like this is okay for us to do?
Speaker 2:
[06:01] I don't even have words for that. I do, but they're just, they'd get me canceled.
Speaker 1:
[06:07] I mean, I totally understand how they...
Speaker 3:
[06:09] Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Speaker 2:
[06:10] I mean, no, I don't...
Speaker 1:
[06:12] Back in the old days, I totally get, back in the old days, the moms were all there. Dads didn't really, weren't involved, but my husband is very involved. I get all the support I need from him. So I don't feel like we need all the grandparents there.
Speaker 2:
[06:28] It's, let me just say, it's not rude.
Speaker 1:
[06:32] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[06:32] That you don't want a room full of people during a major surgery. This is a major surgery.
Speaker 1:
[06:39] Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:
[06:42] And, yeah, like, it's not rude, no.
Speaker 1:
[06:45] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[06:46] Your, your birth. If you said you can never see these kids.
Speaker 1:
[06:53] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[06:54] And they're great people. They're good people. They're even annoying, frustrating, mind pull out your hair people, but they're still, they're still your family. Yeah, that's rude.
Speaker 1:
[07:04] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[07:04] But choosing to have major surgery with just your husband in the room, not rude.
Speaker 1:
[07:12] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[07:13] And, and again, that's one of those, like if you think what I need is, or not even what I need, what I want, it somehow impacts you in such a negative way. I'm sorry. And so I would respond to that with, thank you. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Speaker 1:
[07:31] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[07:32] Here's what we're going to do. And you've already let that person know. And so I wouldn't call them back and try to explain it and try to debate it or negotiate it with them. You know, whatever.
Speaker 1:
[07:43] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[07:44] And I want a day, I want an evening, I want a night just with me and the two babies and my husband. And we will welcome visitors the next morning. Or we will, in three days, we can't wait to see everybody. Hope you'll be at our house or, like, you just get to decide what happens next.
Speaker 1:
[08:04] Okay, I will say this.
Speaker 2:
[08:06] One thing that might be helpful is what we're really going to need help with is dot dot dot.
Speaker 1:
[08:13] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[08:13] Really going to need help with somebody keeping our, with keeping Scarlett.
Speaker 1:
[08:18] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[08:19] And somebody needs, I need somebody that I trust to bring Scarlett up when it's time. And so that would be cool if you all could do this.
Speaker 1:
[08:27] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[08:28] My in-laws were, I think my, yeah, I'm almost positive my in-laws kept my son, Hank, while daughter was being born until we knew the birth was good. Everything was good. And then they brought Hank up and it was awesome.
Speaker 1:
[08:39] Yeah. That's kind of what we were hoping to do this time. And that, like, they used to keep you in the hospital three days, but now it's like they're trying to hurry and just get you out of there. So it's like we don't even have a lot of time.
Speaker 2:
[08:50] So this one, you should, you shouldn't get rushed out on this one. This is a big deal.
Speaker 4:
[08:56] Yes. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[08:57] And are they going to come early? Is there going to be a NICU stay or anything like that?
Speaker 4:
[09:01] So far, we're good.
Speaker 1:
[09:02] They're both in separate placentas, so they're both healthy. Oh, awesome. We don't know their genders, so that's going to be the other surprise. Cool. So as far as I know, there's no NICU stay, but unless they come early.
Speaker 2:
[09:17] I just want you and your husband to tweak your language a little bit. And the way you're putting it out into the world is I hope this is okay.
Speaker 4:
[09:25] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[09:26] And I want you to put it out into the world as this is what we are doing. This is what we are doing and we hope y'all will join us.
Speaker 4:
[09:37] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[09:38] And they get to choose.
Speaker 4:
[09:39] That might sound a little better.
Speaker 2:
[09:40] They get to choose. It just, you throw your shoulders back a little bit and take ownership of you and your husband's life.
Speaker 4:
[09:47] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[09:48] Cool?
Speaker 4:
[09:49] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[09:49] Congratulations. How far out are we?
Speaker 1:
[09:53] I'm 33 weeks this week.
Speaker 2:
[09:55] Oh, wow. So we're getting there, huh?
Speaker 1:
[09:56] They're hoping to get me to 36 at least.
Speaker 2:
[09:58] Awesome. I would say enjoy the last three weeks, but nope, they'll just endure the last three weeks.
Speaker 1:
[10:06] Exactly.
Speaker 2:
[10:07] There we go. Well, it's been an honor talking to you, and I wish you absolutely the best, and hopefully all the people involved respect the chaos of a delivery room, respect your past challenges. You all experienced loss in this room. I mean, it's a lot. It's a lot. And then to bring two kids, make sure everybody's okay, and it's a lot. And so my hope is they deeply respect what you and your husband wish to do moving forward, and y'all just have to be open-handed, which is hard to do. We can't control what they choose to do. Thank you so much for the call, my sister. We come back. A woman asks how to address her concern that her husband may be showing early signs of dementia. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts. It can also take a toll on our mental health, our emotional health and our relationships. Money worries cause anxiety and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. I know this personally. My wife and I struggled for years because of financial stress. Listen, therapy can help even with money. Therapy is not about financial advice, but it can help you build healthier ways of coping and give you strategies to communicate about money without more fighting. To do all of this, check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the platform. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com/delony to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com/delony. All right, let's go out to Orlando and talk to Renee. Hey Renee, what's up?
Speaker 4:
[12:08] Hey, what's up, John? I'm good. How are you?
Speaker 2:
[12:10] I'm doing all right. How about yourself?
Speaker 1:
[12:12] Yeah, pretty good.
Speaker 4:
[12:14] I'm a little nervous, but.
Speaker 2:
[12:15] You're good. You're in good hands.
Speaker 4:
[12:18] All right. I know it.
Speaker 2:
[12:19] What's up?
Speaker 4:
[12:21] Okay, so my husband is 71, and I'm 63.
Speaker 2:
[12:26] I was going to say, you sound 26.
Speaker 4:
[12:28] Awesome.
Speaker 2:
[12:29] 63, okay.
Speaker 4:
[12:31] Yeah. So for the last several months, maybe even a year or so, I've been kind of noticing that my husband has had some little personality changes. Like, he's almost like a toddler when he gets frustrated. He's like very verbal, like, ah, you know, or something like he's just uninhibited with his expression of frustration. Not that he gets like real angry or violent or anything. He just doesn't have that filter anymore to be quiet about it.
Speaker 2:
[13:04] Which is, which I want to say is one of the chief awesomenesses about getting to be 70. Because then all of your filter can be gone. Like you've earned the right to kind of say what you think.
Speaker 4:
[13:16] Yeah, yeah, he's pretty much ripped that filter right off. So, but the other thing is he's not tracking things very well. And for a while it's been like a running joke when we're watching a TV program or a movie or something. And he completely like is not keeping up with who the characters are. And, you know, and I've ribbed him about it quite a bit. But, and now, like in the last few months, I've noticed like on Sundays and the sermon, and we're, you know, we're going to talk about it afterwards. And he is like, I just, you know, my mind just wanders. I just lost my, you know, and I can understand that happening sometimes, but it always happens. So, actually, well, I brought it up to him and he's decided that he has, he does not have dementia. His mother has terrible dementia, by the way. We have her a block away from us in memory care, but he's decided that he has ADHD. But here, this is my concern. I haven't mentioned this to anyone else. And even though I want, I would want to like have him evaluated by his doctor, he's not going to do that. And I can't go behind his back and talk to his doctor about it. I think that would just, he would feel terribly betrayed. And I would love to ask my son if he's noticed anything. But my concern is like having people look at him in a different way. Like our friends and family members and stuff. If I, I'm afraid that if I, if I talk to anybody about this or ask anything, then suddenly all the interactions are going to be filtered through. Oh, is that because he has dementia? Is, you know, and does he even have dementia? Because, you know, when just normal day to day, I mean, he's still, he still has a job. He just got his drone license. I mean, he is, he is capable of learning. So it's just these really little, I think, subtle beginning signs that there's something starting to go amiss. And so I'm not really sure. Like just leave it be and keep an eye on it, or is it, do we need to take some intervention?
Speaker 2:
[15:47] Yeah, and you're not gonna like it, but I want to give you a framework for it, okay? Framework number one, or not framework, but question number one is men are notoriously stubborn, especially aging men, right? They just are, and they often die or don't have treatment that can extend cognitive capacity, physical capacity, sexual capacity, because they refuse to go get help. And then at some point you go off a cliff and there's no going back, right? And so if he won't go to the doctor for himself, I hate to say it like this, but that would track, that's normal. I often find, especially wives, can say, will you go for me? I don't feel safe. I don't, I feel scared. Will you go and get an evaluation to give me some peace? Sometimes that works and sometimes that doesn't. But most men will not go for themselves.
Speaker 4:
[16:53] Yeah. Well, he did kind of scare me a couple of months ago. So he planned a trip for us and he was going to take care of everything. It was an anniversary trip and he didn't make any reservations for a hotel. And then he's going to be, we're in a strange city and he, and it's nighttime dark and he's just going to drive around and find some place. I'm like, this, we can't do that. This isn't safe.
Speaker 2:
[17:21] But I've done that.
Speaker 4:
[17:25] John, have you been evaluated?
Speaker 2:
[17:27] I trust me. Yes. I've been evaluated multiple times. Here's, so I was talking with an aging person recently, someone in their, in their late seventies. And this person thought they were on a fast track to dementia of some sort. And then they started doing some volunteer work where they were surrounded by a bunch of other folks who were of the same age. And one of the great gifts of that community was they all were laughing about, they can't remember names anymore. They can't remember that one story anymore. They can't remember that location anymore. And so the challenge with dementia, especially at early, early parts of it, when you're aging, is there's a natural fall off and there's a natural like, dude, there's so much going on in the screen right now. There's too many characters, there's too many explosions, too many like dinosaurs coming out of the woods. Like it can be hard to track and trying to figure out what is what. And that's why a proper evaluation is so critical. I, interestingly, not because I think I'm heading into dementia in any shape or fashion, I went and got an evaluation of sorts because I wanted a baseline while I know I'm really sharp and healthy. And so in 10 years when I go back and in 10 more years when I go back, I want to be able to see is there any noticeable decline because I have an established baseline.
Speaker 4:
[18:59] Oh, so I could ask him to get a baseline.
Speaker 2:
[19:01] All we're doing is, hey, your mom has this and we are all suffering through it. There is a reality where this could happen. We're not there yet. Will you at least do this for me to give me some peace? Will you at least do this so that we have a baseline so that in five years and 10 years, if we have to go back, we have a snapshot in time already.
Speaker 4:
[19:23] All right.
Speaker 2:
[19:25] So that's idea one. I'm going to say there's a 20% chance. I just made that number up. 20% chance that works, 80% chance says, oh, stop worrying about me, blah, blah, like that.
Speaker 3:
[19:36] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[19:37] So here's the other framework I want to give to you. At some point, and I would suggest to you it's today. What people are going to think, I don't care. I have routinely over the last 20 years, looked at somebody in the eye and said, when I was doing like a suicide evaluation or a self-harm evaluation, if you are alive in five years to hate me, I win. And so I'm willing to cash in what you think about me to help you stay alive. And so it is not, I don't see it as any sort of violation. If you were looking at a guy and a truck is coming right at him, and he says, or you think a truck is coming at him, and he says, I don't care, I'm not moving. Calling the neighbor to help you pull him out of the way is not a violation of his trust or whatever. It is a way you can love him in spite of himself. And so 100% without reservation, if I'm in your same situation and my wife says, I refuse to go get evaluated, I would contact her doctor. No questions about it.
Speaker 4:
[20:55] Okay. Now, do you agree with me that I should keep this to myself regarding our friends and family and stuff and just-
Speaker 2:
[21:05] I don't think you keeping this to yourself is helping you at all. I also think that you don't put it in a church bulletin or you don't, I honestly would not bring my kids into it just yet.
Speaker 4:
[21:18] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[21:19] But-
Speaker 4:
[21:20] Well, I do want to share it with one of my closest friends, but-
Speaker 2:
[21:23] I 100% would, not because about him, but because of what you're carrying.
Speaker 4:
[21:29] Yeah. I just don't want people to look at him and dismiss, you know, like, I don't want him to be invalidated by- that's my concern because-
Speaker 2:
[21:39] That's a story you're making up, and then you're projecting that out onto other people.
Speaker 4:
[21:46] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[21:46] If they choose to start treating him differently and start going, oh, and diminish him because of a potential, then the relationship you're trying to preserve wasn't as strong as you think it is anyway.
Speaker 4:
[21:59] Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. Okay.
Speaker 2:
[22:02] And or you might give them an amazing opportunity to go, yeah, I don't see it at all. You live with it and often spouses carry the majority of the load because people pretend really well out in public. But you might also hear like, yeah, we didn't know how to talk to you, but yeah, he shown up at our house at a weird time and he got lost getting home and things like that, right? And so here's the thing. You trying to shoulder all this to quote unquote help him actually buries you. You got to have somebody that you talk with.
Speaker 4:
[22:38] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[22:39] Okay. And if you don't have a friend that you think could hold this trust in a trustworthy fashion or in a safe fashion, then that's not a great friend to be honest with you.
Speaker 4:
[22:52] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[22:54] But you are in full on image protection mode and I would switch to full on taking care of my husband mode. And those are two different things.
Speaker 4:
[23:06] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[23:07] Like, for instance, I will tell somebody, I'm about to send every single first responder I can think of to your neighborhood at midnight. There's going to be flashing lights all up and down your street. They're going to park in front of your house. Everyone in your street will know something happened to your house. And I don't care because I want you to be okay. That's the way I would think about this.
Speaker 4:
[23:25] Okay. All right. Well, I like the approach of how to get him possibly to go get an evaluation. I think he does need a baseline.
Speaker 2:
[23:36] And he probably won't. And I want to challenge you. The next thing you should do is call his physician.
Speaker 4:
[23:42] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[23:44] That is loving him when he is maybe unable to love himself.
Speaker 4:
[23:51] Okay.
Speaker 2:
[23:52] Okay.
Speaker 4:
[23:54] All right. Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:
[23:55] You're a good, good spouse. And can I throw one little thing at you?
Speaker 4:
[24:00] Sure.
Speaker 2:
[24:00] Hold space for. If y'all have been caring for his mother, who's in a memory care program, that's been a heavy burden on you guys for a while, hadn't it?
Speaker 4:
[24:10] Oh my goodness. You have no idea. She was also victimized by one of her other children who took every penny of, and so we are dealing with the legal ramifications. It's been huge and very stressful for my husband and yeah, so it's a lot dealing with her.
Speaker 2:
[24:32] I want you to hold space for, your brain and body are right to be looking for every possibility that this might be happening again, and you might be wrong. And so hold space for that, okay?
Speaker 4:
[24:48] That would be great if that was wrong.
Speaker 2:
[24:50] So I know, but be able to like, if you go through life looking for every moment where he forgets something, where he stumbles on something, where he's not comprehending something, where he just does what dumb husbands do sometimes, but it's all through a framework of, he might have dementia, you're going to see it everywhere.
Speaker 4:
[25:08] That is exactly what's happening. That is true.
Speaker 2:
[25:12] Take those glasses off.
Speaker 4:
[25:13] I have everything. I don't even know how to take those glasses.
Speaker 2:
[25:17] I'll tell you.
Speaker 4:
[25:17] My mother has dementia and she lives with us. I take care of my mother as well.
Speaker 2:
[25:21] You see it everywhere and you are heightened to look for it. Okay? And that means you might be seeing shadows where there aren't, you might be seeing monsters that are only shadows. And so getting a professional evaluation, whether you have to force it or whether he will walk with you to protect the emotional stability of his wife, like my hope is he would love you enough to go do that.
Speaker 4:
[25:48] Yeah. Okay. I think he does.
Speaker 2:
[25:50] Awesome. Awesome. Well, thank you for the call, sister. And hey, man, I hate that you're going through this in 360 degrees with your mom, with his mom, plus family. Like, I'm sorry. Dementia, Alzheimer's, all of it is just ravaging families throughout the country and it's devastating. It's absolutely devastating. And sorry, you're experiencing that. And thanks for being somebody who's walking right through the middle of it. Pretty awesome. Pretty strong. We come back. A woman asks how to confront her parents about keeping her autism diagnosis a secret. My house is filled with all kinds of rad things, my hunting stuff, my fishing stuff, my guitars, art, awesome things. And my house is also crammed full with Cozy Earth gear. There are sheets, pajamas, blankets, socks, towels. We got all of it because it's incredible. I recently got this Cozy Earth Comforter. It's big, but somehow it's not too hot or too heavy. It's like a cloud. It helps regulate temperature, so I stay comfortable throughout the night and I sleep so good. And I just recently got Cozy Earth Essential Socks. They rule. Cozy Earth Essential Socks come in four lengths and they're all super comfortable. And don't forget, Cozy Earth offers a 100 night sleep trial on all bedding and a 10 year warranty on everything else, so there's no risk filling your house with Cozy Earth gear. Try Cozy Earth for yourself. You're going to love it. Go to cozyearth.com/delony and use code Delony and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com with code Delony. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on this show. Trust me, you're going to love Cozy Earth taking over your home just like they've taken over mine. All right, hit the subscribe and like and all that stuff so that Alex, the associate producer, will leave me alone. Let's go out to East Greenit. Where are we going? We're going to Rhode Island to talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up?
Speaker 1:
[28:03] Hey, thanks for taking my call.
Speaker 2:
[28:04] Of course. What's going on?
Speaker 1:
[28:07] So I found out a year ago that I have an autism diagnosis that I never knew about my whole life.
Speaker 2:
[28:14] How old are you?
Speaker 1:
[28:15] I'm 30. And my diagnosis is when I was three.
Speaker 2:
[28:19] Three. Okay, so that was before the big wave of everybody getting diagnosed with autism.
Speaker 1:
[28:24] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[28:25] That's an OG diagnosis. Okay.
Speaker 1:
[28:29] So yeah, I mean, growing up, I had delays, like I was globally delayed. That's what I was labeled as. I was told I was never going to get married, never hold a job, never drive.
Speaker 2:
[28:39] Who told you these things?
Speaker 1:
[28:40] I had near the speech and OT therapy.
Speaker 2:
[28:43] Who told you that stuff?
Speaker 1:
[28:44] Doctors. Doctors told my parents who told me.
Speaker 2:
[28:47] Good grief. Okay. Well, wouldn't have done it like that. Yeah, I wouldn't have said it like that. Guess what, honey? You're never getting, yeah, I wouldn't have done that, but okay.
Speaker 4:
[28:59] Well, I put them wrong. I have a job.
Speaker 1:
[29:00] I'm happily married. I have kids.
Speaker 4:
[29:02] I could drive. Amazing.
Speaker 2:
[29:04] Amazing, amazing, amazing. I'm proud of you. Proud of you.
Speaker 1:
[29:06] Thanks.
Speaker 2:
[29:08] So how can I help?
Speaker 1:
[29:08] Yeah. So a year ago, my parents, they decided to set down size and they were looking for their stuff. And that's when they noticed old evaluations and they asked if I wanted to look at them to see how far I've come. And I said, of course. So during my own time, I looked through them and I noticed under diagnosis, I see high-functioning autism. And they never told me that I had that. They just said I was always, you know, delayed.
Speaker 2:
[29:35] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[29:38] And I have a son who's autistic and my parents know about that. And the issue is every time I bring up that special A-word autism, they always shut me down. Say, he doesn't have it. He's just delayed like you are.
Speaker 2:
[29:50] What is their allergy to like true neurodivergent?
Speaker 1:
[29:58] I don't know. My parents are, I love them, but they're just kind of old fashioned, like in their minds, like neurodiversity and don't get me started on mental health. They don't exist. Like their generation was suck it up, be tough generation.
Speaker 2:
[30:11] Well, and we have that perspective, which is just suck it up. None of it's real. And also, I mean, you've seen it. And if I was you, I would be frustrated by now suddenly, everybody's got it, right? And everybody needs all these. And you've had to just grind and crash and like, you had to take a machete out and carve your own path out in the forest. Right. And so I do think there's a middle ground here, right? But none of that matters for this situation right here.
Speaker 1:
[30:46] Like I knew growing up that something was off with me because I struggled, like I had my delays and also I struggled socially too. I had a hard time relating to people, hard time making friends, wasn't invited to a lot of parties or play dates. Like I had a very lonely childhood.
Speaker 2:
[30:59] Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, I've got a lot of opinions on how it was done, but it doesn't matter. I would tell you what you think will be on the other side of a confrontation won't be there. Like you confronting them, you going after them, you saying, how dare you? I'm not mad at them.
Speaker 1:
[31:23] I forgive them, honestly.
Speaker 2:
[31:25] So how can I help? What do you want to do?
Speaker 1:
[31:27] I don't know how to move forward. Do I bring it up to them or do I just keep it to myself?
Speaker 2:
[31:35] I would wear it as a, well, if I say it like that, I don't want it to be misinterpreted.
Speaker 1:
[31:44] No, go ahead.
Speaker 2:
[31:45] No, I don't think you'll misinterpret me. I think the greater world will misinterpret me. I would look in the mirror and be very, very proud of myself.
Speaker 1:
[31:57] I am.
Speaker 2:
[31:58] I would be overwhelmed with gratitude. And I was challenged with this by a therapist one time, and it has rung true with me all through my life. And what she said was, you have to always blame fair. And so I would blame, I can't believe you let me go through life thinking I was just delayed, whatever the heck that means. And you wouldn't tell me that, no, actually your brain works differently than everybody else's. And here's some strategies and support and some ABA, like there's all kinds of support. You can, you kept all that from me. And you're right to blame for that. And I'm making this up here as I go, maybe having never been captured by a label allows you to take risks to really dig in and practice things, to really scratch and claw your way to who you've become now, maybe. And so maybe that label would have made resource allocation, getting resources easier. It would have made your path easier. And chances are you wouldn't be where you are right now. And so all that is to say is, let's blame fair and let's say maybe, and let's say I'm proud of myself. I love the life I have now. My parents don't even accept it from my son. I'm moving on with my life.
Speaker 1:
[33:26] That's what I'm doing.
Speaker 2:
[33:27] And I'm going to put that... Are they otherwise good grandparents? Are they otherwise good parents?
Speaker 1:
[33:32] Oh, they love, oh yeah, they're wonderful. Over and out, they're wonderful parents and they're even better grandparents.
Speaker 2:
[33:37] That's amazing. And so we're not going to do this nonsensical cutting everybody off because they don't say that. No, I don't want to cut them off at all. We're just going to know, my parents have a blind spot and they're great people and we're going to go on with our life. And if they find out your son's getting resources and autism care has improved like logarithmically over the last 25 years, right? So the resources available to your son are very different than what was available to you a long time ago. And so that's amazing. And if they say, you shouldn't be doing that, well, now we might have that conversation. But even then, they don't get a vote on the way you choose to take care of your kid, right?
Speaker 1:
[34:21] Oh, no, they've actually been pushing me to give certain resources for my son. Like he's at an ABA school now and he's doing amazing. And they were the ones that encouraged me to put in there our Venna regular pre-K classroom.
Speaker 2:
[34:33] Okay, so this is almost, man, I hate to belittle it like this, but it's almost a matter of semantics. They like their label, the word they use, delay, or the word that the psychiatric community and the diagnostic community uses, which is autism. Okay, cool. I'm not going to go to war over semantics. They love your kid. They want you to give them the best care possible. They may even be helping you with that. Dude, I'm going to count that as a win. I'm going to get on with my life.
Speaker 1:
[35:00] Yes.
Speaker 2:
[35:01] You've done amazing.
Speaker 1:
[35:04] Well, thanks.
Speaker 2:
[35:05] Like for real.
Speaker 1:
[35:08] I am very proud of myself.
Speaker 2:
[35:09] You should be. And wandering through the world knowing I want relationships and I don't know why I can't engage in them is a nightmare. And you have come out on the other side of that nightmare. I'm so, so proud of you.
Speaker 1:
[35:23] Thank you.
Speaker 2:
[35:25] Who's this person you married? Are they awesome?
Speaker 1:
[35:29] Oh, the best. And he understands neurodiversity because he has ADHD.
Speaker 3:
[35:34] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[35:36] And so you just have a house full of compassion and accountability all at the same time, huh? Yes.
Speaker 1:
[35:42] And that's why I hope to instill my kids as they get older.
Speaker 2:
[35:44] That's the best. You have this thing. You experience this thing. It's a context and not an excuse for you don't get to cash out. You got to do the best you can with the card you got. And you have given, you have not only talked at the game, but your child, your son will have a road map for a parent who has fought those fights. It's amazing.
Speaker 1:
[36:08] Just don't go through the same struggles I did.
Speaker 2:
[36:10] Of course. And it's a tricky balance, right? Because the struggles, the way I describe it is, modern parents, myself included, like we got dropped off in a weight room and told we have to lift weights that we did not have the muscles to lift. And my instinct is to continue to go into the weight room and take the weight off the bar of life for my kids. And I don't want them to go through all the struggles I had, but they've got to go through some big struggles. Otherwise they're going to get out into the world and not have the muscle strength to handle it. And so it's, while you do go through struggles, I'll be right here. You'll struggle, but you'll never struggle alone. And that's the shift I'm always having to remind myself. My kids, both of my kids have several of the challenges I had grown up, and I can't take it from them. I could, I could rob them of the struggle. But man, the world's going to be a dose of cold water. But man, you will not struggle with the stuff alone and without compassion. And that's such a powerful reframe for me.
Speaker 1:
[37:25] Yeah, I want to be supportive, but I don't want to be a helicopter or lawnmower parent either.
Speaker 2:
[37:28] That's right. And so it's, and I'll tell you, no parent gets that balance right all the time.
Speaker 1:
[37:34] No.
Speaker 2:
[37:34] And so it's giving yourself some-
Speaker 1:
[37:35] I kind of hover sometimes, I'll admit.
Speaker 2:
[37:37] Yeah, there you go. And I'm gonna give myself some grace sometimes. I'm gonna really hold myself accountable when I get it wrong. I'm gonna say I'm sorry. I'm gonna say I messed that up. I'm gonna say, nope, I'm right on this one. And it's just, I don't know any parent that feels super confident that they're nailing it all the way through with that balance of, no, I'm gonna fight this fight with you. And I can't fight this battle with you, but I'll be right here as you do it. And by the way, this battle is gonna kick your butt and I'll be right here. So man, you are awesome, Sarah. It's been an honor to talk to you. Yeah, I'd let this one ride. And I would be really frustrated to find a box with some old diagnostics and think that would have been good to know. And the challenge for us as adults is to also look at the muscles we have, the scars we have, the calluses we have and say, I probably wouldn't be as strong and wired up as I am right now. And for everyone listening, that is not an excuse. And I get your kids the help they need at all. There are so many amazing resources now. But it means not robbing them of emotional struggles, of even physical struggles, of it's walking with them as they move forward through life. Thanks for the call, sister. You are awesome. You're doing it just right. Okay, true story. I was going to lunch with my producer, Kelly, and when she got into my truck, she was expecting to hear some crazy punk rock or heavy metal music. And she was surprised when over the speakers came a gentle voice reading Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. I looked at her and said, Hey, I don't just advertise Hallow. I actually use it. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world for a reason. And it's become one of the most important things I do to start every day. Anchoring myself in prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters most before the world takes all of my energy and time. Hallow helps you have space to breathe, reflect, and pray. It's guided. It's simple. And it meets you where you are to help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. There's no pressure. They're not trying to convert anybody. It's just a daily practice. You can try Hallow for free for three months only through my link. Go to hallow.com/delony and sign up for free today. That's Hallow, hallow.com/delony for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?
Speaker 3:
[40:10] All right, so we got this email from Steven in Clover, South Carolina, and he writes, I'm an avid listener, retired and married 47 years and doing well. With time on my hands, I got bored of golf. I became involved with Kids in Need as a guardium ad litem for the county.
Speaker 2:
[40:25] Yeah, dude!
Speaker 3:
[40:27] Kids in the system have been abused, neglected with foster families or other families that are not their nuclear family. To say they're traumatized is an understatement, and I'm active in helping and supporting them, assuring that they're okay in getting what they need. Communicating with them can be a challenge, especially sexually abused kids. Your show has provided me with ideas, strategies, and tactics for reaching them very effectively, identifying their needs better, and communicating to the courts on situations and recommendations for the future. Helps me interact with troubled parents trying to do the right thing, helping them with direction and support, even helped with the wife a bit on the personal side. Thank you for what you do.
Speaker 2:
[41:04] That's awesome, dude. No, I'll thank you for what you do, man. Using that expertise and compassion to go be an advocate for kids in your community. I mean, there's just almost no higher calling. So good for you. And good for you for doing a few things for the wife. What a great way to say that. You're awesome, brother. Thanks for letting us know, man. I'm proud of you. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. And I just got to say, I just finished Stranger Things.
Speaker 3:
[41:35] Finally.
Speaker 2:
[41:36] So, so good. Gosh, so good.