transcript
Speaker 1:
[00:01] Hey Sean, my name's Jason. You know what I love 300 of?
Speaker 2:
[00:04] What?
Speaker 1:
[00:05] Almonds, summer salads, Tidy Wities, matcha lattes. What about you? You like 300 of anything?
Speaker 2:
[00:13] My name is Sean Hayes, and I like 300 glasses of milk. I also like 300 pounds of spaghetti, and I also like 300 pound men.
Speaker 3:
[00:48] Welcome to the 300th episode of SmartLess.
Speaker 1:
[01:00] Hey, listen, let's have a lot of love today. Because what, you want to know what? It's someone's birthday today.
Speaker 2:
[01:05] Who's birthday?
Speaker 1:
[01:09] A little pod creature called SmartLess.
Speaker 2:
[01:13] How old is it?
Speaker 1:
[01:14] Isn't today, isn't she 300 years old?
Speaker 3:
[01:17] 300 episodes old.
Speaker 1:
[01:19] 300 episodes old?
Speaker 3:
[01:21] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[01:21] Oh, she looks so good.
Speaker 2:
[01:23] I know.
Speaker 3:
[01:24] I mean.
Speaker 1:
[01:25] She's still getting around.
Speaker 3:
[01:27] I think that our guest was clapping. I think that's pretty, that's nice. Oh, okay. Well, then now it feels like that's about the guest.
Speaker 1:
[01:39] But yeah, does it feel like 300, you guys?
Speaker 2:
[01:42] No.
Speaker 1:
[01:43] That's 300 weeks, which is how many years?
Speaker 3:
[01:48] 300 weeks is six years. Yeah, just, but it's coming up on six years.
Speaker 2:
[01:55] Wow.
Speaker 3:
[01:55] That's insane.
Speaker 2:
[01:56] 300 divided by 56.
Speaker 1:
[01:57] Well, thank you. Thank you should go out to those who are giving us some ear time. Thank you very much for listening to us.
Speaker 3:
[02:05] It seems unlikely.
Speaker 1:
[02:05] To figure out what we're doing.
Speaker 3:
[02:06] It seems very unlikely that you would continue to listen to us at all in the first place.
Speaker 2:
[02:11] I know.
Speaker 1:
[02:11] I guess a thank you would go out to the guests as well then because that is the reason. We're not being falsely modest here. We do this little drivel for a few minutes and then we get into the real draw, which is the guess. We thank them for coming.
Speaker 2:
[02:27] We also thank Bennett, Rob and Michael for helping us get here.
Speaker 3:
[02:31] Yeah, I just... It's a really robust audience.
Speaker 4:
[02:35] What an audience.
Speaker 2:
[02:38] It's incredible.
Speaker 3:
[02:40] Yeah, we should give...
Speaker 1:
[02:41] We don't do this alone.
Speaker 3:
[02:43] Yeah, Bennett Barbequeau and Rob Armiav and Michael Grant Terry Armiav.
Speaker 1:
[02:49] Armiav.
Speaker 3:
[02:50] Armiav. Such integral and important pieces to this whole thing and part of our team. We're all in the team together. Are they? They are.
Speaker 4:
[02:58] We know that.
Speaker 1:
[02:59] They're the feathers in the wind between the wings.
Speaker 3:
[03:03] We love you guys. We love you guys a lot and you guys do an awesome job.
Speaker 4:
[03:06] We love you.
Speaker 3:
[03:08] I don't know if people out there understand what an awesome job you guys do. It's really pretty remarkable. So thank you. Yes, thank you guys.
Speaker 1:
[03:15] You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work.
Speaker 3:
[03:19] Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And I wonder, who else do we want to thank?
Speaker 1:
[03:26] How about your parents? Thank your parents. Thank your team.
Speaker 4:
[03:29] Thank my team. Thank your team, Will.
Speaker 3:
[03:33] Obviously, I always want to thank, at every opportunity, I want to thank CAA for everything.
Speaker 2:
[03:38] You know, I...
Speaker 3:
[03:40] Scotty, who does... Scotty, who's done a lot. Scotty's done a lot right from the get-go. He helped us a lot getting us going on social media and doing videos and stuff.
Speaker 2:
[03:48] From the beginning. Yup.
Speaker 3:
[03:50] Jason's wife for fucking keeping him in line.
Speaker 2:
[03:54] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[03:55] Getting us in front of the microphone.
Speaker 2:
[03:57] She's like a lion tamer.
Speaker 1:
[03:58] She is.
Speaker 3:
[03:59] So Sean, you go ahead. You have something you want to say?
Speaker 2:
[04:01] I'd be remiss if we didn't bring something up that's very, very exciting.
Speaker 1:
[04:05] We've got a bowl full of good news.
Speaker 2:
[04:07] Yeah. Oh, that's good. We're going to try this. We're going to try this again, guys. This is big.
Speaker 4:
[04:13] We're breaking the clouds.
Speaker 2:
[04:15] Yeah. We're bringing SmartLess. We're bringing SmartLess to one of the most iconic spots in the world, the Hollywood Bowl. Remember when we tried that last year?
Speaker 1:
[04:23] And then it got rained out.
Speaker 2:
[04:24] Yeah. This fall.
Speaker 1:
[04:26] This time.
Speaker 3:
[04:27] Yeah. What's the date on it?
Speaker 2:
[04:28] It is Saturday, October 17th. This is a true story. We're really doing it. Saturday, October 17th. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 10th at 10 a.m. at smartless.com/live.
Speaker 3:
[04:42] 10 a.m. Pacific. 10 a.m. Pacific.
Speaker 2:
[04:43] 10 Pacific. Sorry.
Speaker 1:
[04:45] And guess what else? Our listeners have a chance to get tickets first. Our pre-sale begins Wednesday, April 8th at 10 a.m. Pacific. Visit smartless.com/live and enter our code. You guessed it. Tracy with an E.
Speaker 2:
[05:00] T-R-A-C-E-Y.
Speaker 1:
[05:01] For first access.
Speaker 3:
[05:03] And I will say this, too, because a lot of people were bombed. And remember, so many people came up with this.
Speaker 2:
[05:07] Yeah, it was awful.
Speaker 3:
[05:08] So for those of you who had purchased tickets for last year's Rained Out show, be sure to check your emails, because we set up a special time for you to purchase tickets. Isn't that cool?
Speaker 2:
[05:19] Wait, I didn't know that.
Speaker 3:
[05:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a special thing.
Speaker 2:
[05:21] So you just get an email saying, hey, you can buy tickets.
Speaker 3:
[05:24] Yeah, hey, hey, hey.
Speaker 1:
[05:25] Wait, wait, but did they get their money back for the tickets they purchased last time? They did.
Speaker 3:
[05:29] They got a refund. They got a refund. And now, but now they got an email saying, hey, you get to jump the line or whatever it is.
Speaker 4:
[05:36] Very nice.
Speaker 1:
[05:36] All right, so that's October 17th at the Hollywood Bowl. If you don't live in Los Angeles, get on a bus, a train, a plane, a car, whatever you need to do. Just start walking maybe now.
Speaker 4:
[05:47] Get out here.
Speaker 1:
[05:48] It's gonna be special.
Speaker 3:
[05:49] I'm so glad that we're doing this again. I am really, really glad and a lot of people.
Speaker 2:
[05:52] Yeah, me too.
Speaker 3:
[05:53] Anyway, listen, so much fun stuff. But you know what? We're wasting time. We're wasting his time. And by the way, he does not have time to waste yet. He doesn't.
Speaker 1:
[06:01] He doesn't have time to waste yet.
Speaker 3:
[06:04] He's a friend. He's such a friend of the show. He came on super early days.
Speaker 1:
[06:10] Is this a double return?
Speaker 3:
[06:13] This is a return because he's a friend of the show, because we love him so much. He is, once I start naming all the stuff he's done, you're going to know instantly. And even though our audience are listening, but I can just tell you some of his accomplishments and maybe you'll get it. He first soloed Everest at 18 Oxygen Free without a Sherpa. He swam the English Channel in a Hurricane. He's won 19 Home and Garden Awards. He's Conan O'Brien's number one enemy and he won a Nobel Prize for farting. You guys, it's Stephen Colbert!
Speaker 1:
[06:44] Oh!
Speaker 2:
[06:49] Brilliant, brilliant.
Speaker 5:
[06:51] I like the technology I was asked to use to disguise myself.
Speaker 1:
[06:57] I was really excited there for a second that we're going to have an Everest summiter on this.
Speaker 5:
[07:02] Yeah, I want to correct that. I did not summit Everest without a Sherpa. It was without a shirt. We were going up in teams and it was shirts versus skins. This was in middle school. This was in middle school. The coach was just like, he didn't have enough pennies, so it was like shirts and skins. We lost a lot of people on the South Call. We lost half the debate team on the South Call.
Speaker 3:
[07:31] Never came back.
Speaker 5:
[07:32] They're still up there. They're still. Forever young.
Speaker 3:
[07:38] And it was refereed by Sir Edmund Hillary, of all things, which is amazing.
Speaker 1:
[07:43] Wait, would you do that, if you had an opportunity to at least go to base camp? Let's go around.
Speaker 5:
[07:50] I don't like heights. I really don't.
Speaker 2:
[07:51] I would do it. I would do it.
Speaker 1:
[07:53] I would do it too.
Speaker 2:
[07:54] I kind of like the cold like that.
Speaker 1:
[07:56] No, I just, there's something about that mountain that just gets me all cray-cray.
Speaker 4:
[08:01] Bullshit.
Speaker 5:
[08:02] Yeah, I swear to God.
Speaker 4:
[08:02] There's something about that mountain. There's something about that mountain.
Speaker 5:
[08:05] That is reaching for manhood. There's just something about that mountain. I'm a K2 man myself.
Speaker 2:
[08:11] Really?
Speaker 5:
[08:13] Now, I stop at Aconagua, okay? I only do South American peaks.
Speaker 4:
[08:21] Really?
Speaker 5:
[08:22] Everest, that's kind of basic. Isn't that kind of basic to be an Everest guy?
Speaker 4:
[08:25] Of course.
Speaker 5:
[08:26] Oh, the Beatles are great. I love Everest. I get my gas at Exxon.
Speaker 4:
[08:31] Fuck you.
Speaker 3:
[08:32] By the way, by the way.
Speaker 5:
[08:34] You're a fucking poser.
Speaker 3:
[08:35] Here you are.
Speaker 5:
[08:36] You're a shirt. You're a shirt. You were on the shirt team.
Speaker 3:
[08:38] He's shirt. He died on the thing. He, Bateman lands at fucking Catmandu. He checks out the bus that's picking him up and he's back on the plane.
Speaker 4:
[08:48] He's so back to Dubai to make his connection to LA.
Speaker 1:
[08:52] Soon as there's no Wi-Fi, I'm back on the bus.
Speaker 5:
[08:54] What's the thread count? What's the thread count?
Speaker 1:
[08:56] It's way too low. Way too low.
Speaker 2:
[08:59] You know, when I was in middle school, Stephen, I used to hate shirts and skins. I used to get so self-conscious because I don't want to take my shirt off.
Speaker 1:
[09:07] Yeah, I wasn't in great shape, I know you did.
Speaker 4:
[09:10] No, of course you did.
Speaker 5:
[09:10] I couldn't wait for it. Yeah, I had nipples the size of pepperonis.
Speaker 4:
[09:13] Right, me too, me too.
Speaker 5:
[09:17] They used to call me Shakey's.
Speaker 2:
[09:22] Shakey's Pizza, Los Angeles.
Speaker 5:
[09:23] And just as, they used to take napkins and get the grease off of them.
Speaker 1:
[09:30] You'd volunteer to ref? You'd say, I'll just ref, I'll ref.
Speaker 5:
[09:32] I'm good, I'm good. What if I, what if I were the, the goal?
Speaker 1:
[09:39] Willie did some goalie time. Willie, Willie was a good goalie in hockey, right? There's no shirts and skins there.
Speaker 5:
[09:45] What time zone are you in, Will?
Speaker 3:
[09:49] Space.
Speaker 5:
[09:50] Are you in New Zealand?
Speaker 3:
[09:52] Space. No, I'm in, I'm in Los Angeles. It's early morning here. What's happening? It's 9.45, but I just, yeah. Do I look crazy?
Speaker 5:
[10:02] Well, Bateman, aren't you in Los Angeles, too?
Speaker 1:
[10:04] I'm in Los Angeles, and you two are in the New York City.
Speaker 5:
[10:07] I'm in New York City.
Speaker 2:
[10:08] Yeah, I'm in New York City.
Speaker 3:
[10:09] I'm in a dark room, Stephen. I'm in my little booth.
Speaker 5:
[10:11] Oh, I see.
Speaker 3:
[10:12] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[10:12] Now, Stephen, what's going on? How much longer, do you stay in New York City when you're done with the show?
Speaker 5:
[10:20] Um, yeah, until, like, the court order. I have to stay in the Tri-State area.
Speaker 2:
[10:26] What?
Speaker 5:
[10:27] So that's still pending. Just so they lift the court order, I have to stay in the Tri-State.
Speaker 3:
[10:31] That's still in effect.
Speaker 5:
[10:32] I mean, we're appealing.
Speaker 3:
[10:34] Sure.
Speaker 5:
[10:36] But, uh, whatever judge you get, that has nothing to do with it.
Speaker 3:
[10:39] Of course, it's such a gift.
Speaker 5:
[10:40] It's who you know, man. It's who you know at Child Custody.
Speaker 3:
[10:45] I can't believe at this stage of the game, you're still playing this courtroom politics. It's unbelievable.
Speaker 5:
[10:52] You know, I guess I'll stay in New York.
Speaker 4:
[10:56] New York is home?
Speaker 1:
[10:57] New York's been home for how long?
Speaker 5:
[10:59] I got, let's see, my first New York gig was in 19... Meow, meow, meow. 1990... Why did I leave Second City? Sorry for the boredom here.
Speaker 4:
[11:12] No, we'll tighten this up.
Speaker 1:
[11:14] We'll tighten it all up.
Speaker 2:
[11:15] 94.
Speaker 5:
[11:15] 94.
Speaker 1:
[11:16] 94 and that came...
Speaker 5:
[11:17] I came to New York to work for HBO Downtown Productions. I worked on a show called Eggs of 57.
Speaker 2:
[11:21] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 5:
[11:22] I do not recommend it. I do not think we knew what we were doing.
Speaker 3:
[11:27] I remember that.
Speaker 5:
[11:27] It was a sketch show. It was the year that... It was this one year where if you had any kind of sketch group, you got a show. It was us, it was the state, it was kids in the hall were still doing their thing. They were the end of their thing.
Speaker 3:
[11:43] Wait, but who was in Eggs of 57 with you? I remember...
Speaker 5:
[11:46] Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello, Jodie Lennon and Mitch Rouse. It was the five of us. And then our director was a guy named Mick Napier. I don't know if you've known Mick. He was a Chicago improv director. It was the five of us. And I lived here. I just got married. Of course, just got married and got a gig in New York. My wife, Evie, stayed in... I call her my wife. It's a pet name. And she stayed in Chicago. And I came and I lived in a seminary. I lived at the General Theological Seminary at the Episcopal Church. I lived in the dorms. I lived in a garret, like one of these garrets.
Speaker 3:
[12:18] On 21st Street over there?
Speaker 5:
[12:20] Yeah, yeah, down there. I lived in that thing. It's really beautiful.
Speaker 3:
[12:23] Beautiful. Those grounds are insane.
Speaker 5:
[12:24] Yeah, it started in 1827. It's where A Night Before Christmas takes place, because Clement Clark...
Speaker 1:
[12:34] Sorry. What happened?
Speaker 3:
[12:37] Jason, wait.
Speaker 4:
[12:37] Quick, mention golf. Oh, We're recording.
Speaker 3:
[12:39] Quick, mention golf. Stephen, mention golf.
Speaker 5:
[12:41] Oh, the lawn out there is just... It is a bed leaf bluegrass.
Speaker 1:
[12:45] Chippable.
Speaker 4:
[12:46] Very chippable.
Speaker 5:
[12:47] Anyway, I lived in there. My room had hot and hot running water. That was my first gig, so I came here in 94, but then I moved back, I would go back between seasons until the Carvey Show, which was 90... 96.
Speaker 3:
[13:05] The Dana Carvey Show we've mentioned before on this podcast is the craziest group of talent, of maybe the greatest grouping.
Speaker 2:
[13:13] Wasn't Steve Carell on that too?
Speaker 3:
[13:15] Go ahead.
Speaker 5:
[13:16] Carell and I were office mates. We had been in Second City together, and then... Yeah, it was me, Carell, Dino Stamatopoulos, Mike Stajanov, Louis CK was head writer, Robert Smigel was the executive producer, of course, Dana Carvey, John Glazer, Robert Carlock, and Charlie Kaufman.
Speaker 2:
[13:39] Wow.
Speaker 1:
[13:39] Was this on NBC?
Speaker 5:
[13:41] Yeah, and Heather Morgan. This was on ABC at like 8.30 or something, and after home improvement, whatever, after home improvement, it was a pure mismatch. They did not go together at all.
Speaker 2:
[13:52] Wait, I saw that clip of the promo. It was some documentary. It was a clip from a documentary.
Speaker 5:
[13:59] It was called Too Funny to Fail, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[14:01] Too Funny to Fail, and you made me laugh, sorry, because you were laughing so hard at the clip.
Speaker 5:
[14:05] I had never seen the promo. It was a promo. It was in the home improvement. Like his son has got cancer or something, and he says to his dad, like, you know, he goes like, I don't want to die, and he hugs him and goes, you're not going to die. And then he goes, and then the Mug Group Peer Dana Carvey Show. And we were like, of course we were canceled. That's what we were backing into.
Speaker 2:
[14:31] That was one of the funniest clips. If you haven't seen it, go online.
Speaker 1:
[14:34] How long did it go?
Speaker 5:
[14:36] We made, it was a 13 episode commitment, 13 episode buyout, that's why I moved to New York, you know, security. And then we shot eight of them and seven of them went to air. And the eighth one was pretty good, I gotta say.
Speaker 1:
[14:49] Well, how about this? How about a return to doing sketch work at a minimum?
Speaker 3:
[14:59] Are you gonna get back in the sketch game?
Speaker 5:
[15:01] Will you pay me minimum?
Speaker 1:
[15:02] Right. Will you give me scale?
Speaker 5:
[15:04] But what about- Because I think that's pretty good for our industry right now.
Speaker 1:
[15:07] Well, look at what your office made, Steve Carell, and I guess the question is-
Speaker 5:
[15:13] Yeah, I think he's kind of a flash in the pan at this point. I don't think Carell's gonna pan out.
Speaker 1:
[15:17] There's an actor bug in you, and how about pursuing that?
Speaker 5:
[15:22] Yeah, but those guys, they have to memorize lines. And it has been 21 years that I've been latched to a prompter. I don't know if I have the old Sarah Bellum left to memorize.
Speaker 3:
[15:35] No, it wouldn't take you long. It would not take you long.
Speaker 5:
[15:39] You guys are all actors, right?
Speaker 1:
[15:41] Yeah, a little bit.
Speaker 5:
[15:41] I don't know a lot of your work, but you guys all act?
Speaker 1:
[15:44] We'll send you stuff.
Speaker 4:
[15:46] We'll send you some clips.
Speaker 3:
[15:47] Michael, God, I just complimented our crew, and they didn't even send our fucking reels over to this guy.
Speaker 2:
[15:55] I can airdrop you mine. I'll airdrop you mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5:
[15:58] No, yeah, sure. Please send me some scripts, man. Truly? Come on. I'm open to whatever, man. I'll tell you one thing. I have no fucking idea what I'm really going to do until I finish what I'm doing because I don't know if you've ever hosted a network talk show at 11.30, but you would like to?
Speaker 1:
[16:20] I'd like to.
Speaker 5:
[16:21] I have some terrible news.
Speaker 3:
[16:23] What, you would like to host a late night show? I would.
Speaker 1:
[16:26] That's always a good idea.
Speaker 3:
[16:26] Yeah, you don't have the energy. You're way too low energy for it. You wouldn't be able to do it.
Speaker 1:
[16:30] Well, you'd be terrible at it.
Speaker 5:
[16:32] Do you enjoy riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill and the whole point is to not hit a tree by 12.30 at night? Because that's where it feels like more than anything else. You're blindfolded.
Speaker 3:
[16:42] You'd last three shows. I'm sure.
Speaker 1:
[16:44] I know I would. Every time I joke about it.
Speaker 3:
[16:46] The whole crew would quit. You wouldn't even have to fire them. They'd just fucking quit. They'd quit. You'd be too tired. You'd want to go home. You'd be like, fuck this, I got to go again today? They're like, it's Wednesday. We started Monday.
Speaker 5:
[17:03] But let's try. Let's audition you. Okay, I'm the guest.
Speaker 3:
[17:06] This is good.
Speaker 5:
[17:06] I'm the guest, you're the host. I've come on, remember.
Speaker 3:
[17:10] By the way, which is the conceit of what we're doing now anyway, but go ahead.
Speaker 5:
[17:13] Okay, the show, but this is how it is. So the show, I'm coming on for a show that you haven't seen.
Speaker 1:
[17:19] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[17:20] Or you have seen and do not like.
Speaker 1:
[17:22] Correct.
Speaker 3:
[17:23] Okay. It's Late Nighter with Jason Bateman.
Speaker 1:
[17:29] Our first guest today is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new show on.
Speaker 5:
[17:33] Is it a daytime show? Is it a daytime? You just said it's a day. So is this like at noon? I'm in bed by 8. Is this following the view? Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 3:
[17:42] Hang on. Let me talk to the audience. We're going to go one more time. Sometimes we do this. It's Late Nighter with Jason Bateman.
Speaker 1:
[17:51] Happy lunch, everybody. Today, our guest is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new net episode that is good. But if you don't like it, it's on real fast and off real fast. Here he is. Welcome, please, Mr. Stephen Colbert. Stephen.
Speaker 5:
[18:14] Thank you. Hey, man. Great to see you.
Speaker 4:
[18:16] Hey, good to see you.
Speaker 1:
[18:17] Great to see you. You're much taller in person.
Speaker 5:
[18:20] Thank you very much.
Speaker 1:
[18:21] That's a good standard opener, right?
Speaker 5:
[18:23] That's what I say to most people. I say that to most people when they come on. Or have you gained weight? That's another good one.
Speaker 1:
[18:30] And then how about this for an opener? So what's been going on with you?
Speaker 5:
[18:35] Oh, you know, I've been working on the project. Did you like it?
Speaker 1:
[18:38] Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 5:
[18:39] Did you get a chance to see it?
Speaker 1:
[18:41] My wife and I sat down to watch it the other day.
Speaker 4:
[18:44] Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[18:44] And my goodness, did we have a good time?
Speaker 5:
[18:46] I wish we do recommend people sit while watching it.
Speaker 4:
[18:49] Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:
[18:51] Or stand. You can fold laundry while you do it. You can do a number of things and not miss much. Hey, was it fun to make?
Speaker 2:
[18:58] We got to wrap it up. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 4:
[19:00] Well, I'm a bit out of it.
Speaker 1:
[19:03] Thanks for joining us today, Steve. Our next guest.
Speaker 2:
[19:07] Just two minute segment.
Speaker 5:
[19:09] Wait, Stephen, I would love to do Guess That Quick. Wouldn't it be great? Maybe I should do that for my last show. I should have like 40 guests.
Speaker 2:
[19:16] Dude, do a rapid one.
Speaker 5:
[19:17] They only get 30 seconds.
Speaker 2:
[19:18] Wait, but that's a really good idea. That's a really funny idea.
Speaker 5:
[19:21] Because I don't know who to have for my last guest. Like, that's a big thing. Like, people go on like, who's your last guest? I'm like, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
[19:26] Yeah, you can't sit. It's only standing. The Pope.
Speaker 5:
[19:29] The only thing I could possibly imagine would be the right last guest, because is the Pope. Mm-hmm, sure. I've written, I've asked. I've asked him to come on.
Speaker 3:
[19:38] Have you really?
Speaker 2:
[19:38] He's been on my list, too.
Speaker 3:
[19:39] Did we end up hearing back from the Vatican yet? Is it a hard no yet?
Speaker 5:
[19:44] I've heard coin, it's coin toss at this point.
Speaker 3:
[19:46] Oh, God, imagine how old that coin is.
Speaker 4:
[19:49] Imagine how rare that coin is.
Speaker 5:
[19:50] On one side, it has the head of Tiberius.
Speaker 4:
[19:54] Of course.
Speaker 5:
[19:54] And you go, render under Caesar what is Caesar and Colbert what is Colbert's. I should have put that as my post. I should have said PS.
Speaker 3:
[20:02] Oh, you know what? You should have had like a Latin motto. Your show should have had a Latin motto this whole time.
Speaker 5:
[20:07] Oh, my old show did have a Latin motto, the Colbert poor. Though the motto was essay nunc quidesse. No, it was quidesse nunc esse, which meant to seem to be rather than be.
Speaker 3:
[20:18] Wow, I didn't know that. That's fantastic.
Speaker 5:
[20:20] It was on the thing. I also have a Latin motto on my on my on our fireplace at home.
Speaker 1:
[20:26] And it says burn unto thee.
Speaker 5:
[20:28] Yeah. What does it say? Abandon all hope. No, it says hike domus quam iocchi adificaurunt est, which means this is the house that jokes built.
Speaker 3:
[20:41] No way.
Speaker 4:
[20:41] That's great.
Speaker 1:
[20:43] That's great. Do either one of you two know that?
Speaker 3:
[20:45] Quae hodie sum turis sumus benedictat deus praeasum christum dominam nostrum.
Speaker 1:
[20:49] There's my answer.
Speaker 5:
[20:51] Ofillum me boni beli dominus fobiscum beli ominus.
Speaker 3:
[20:53] Mensena incorporiseno. Listen, guys, who cares?
Speaker 1:
[20:57] I went to school on a bus.
Speaker 5:
[21:01] Oh, are you that movie with Viggo Mortenson, Captain Fantastic, where he raises his kids and educates them at home?
Speaker 3:
[21:07] JB, have you seen that?
Speaker 1:
[21:08] I have not.
Speaker 3:
[21:09] You'd like his full frontal Viggo, too.
Speaker 5:
[21:13] Can I get into Viggo for a second here?
Speaker 3:
[21:14] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[21:15] Do you see my background? Do you see the stuff, all my Lord of the Rings stuff here?
Speaker 2:
[21:18] Yes, I love that, Stephen.
Speaker 5:
[21:20] I think that's incredible. This is a map of Middle Earth right there.
Speaker 3:
[21:24] Sean, stand up real quick. Let's see if he's gonna make it. Sean, stand up.
Speaker 5:
[21:27] Okay, other things. This right here, this is in the Lord of the Rings, in the final battle at the Black Gate.
Speaker 2:
[21:34] We watched them just like last week.
Speaker 5:
[21:37] He's wearing chain mail under his plate.
Speaker 2:
[21:39] Yes.
Speaker 5:
[21:40] Viggo is? This is some of the chain mail from Viggo's armor in that final scene.
Speaker 2:
[21:45] Wait, how did you get that?
Speaker 5:
[21:46] How did I get that?
Speaker 1:
[21:47] Stephen, how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Speaker 5:
[21:49] They don't just give these shows away, Sean.
Speaker 2:
[21:52] You gotta be a mover.
Speaker 5:
[21:54] That's not even what I wanted to show you, fuckers. Listen to this.
Speaker 3:
[21:57] I'll tell you how he got it. He asked off hand to an assistant.
Speaker 2:
[22:00] Let me see that. Oh yeah.
Speaker 5:
[22:03] That is an image of Aragorn made out of chocolate.
Speaker 2:
[22:07] Who did it?
Speaker 5:
[22:08] Given to me by Viggo Mortensen.
Speaker 2:
[22:11] Wow, that's really cool.
Speaker 5:
[22:12] He gave this to me 25 years ago when he was promoting The Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 2:
[22:17] You obviously know the story where he, in anger, kicked one of the dead orcs and ripped his toe off.
Speaker 5:
[22:27] He kicked a helmet.
Speaker 2:
[22:29] Yeah, one of the dead orcs up on the island. And then he kept going and his scream is him screaming in pain.
Speaker 5:
[22:36] And Peter Jackson went, Oh, that was good. Let's keep that take. And then he found out later.
Speaker 1:
[22:40] We'll be right back with dork chat after this.
Speaker 3:
[22:45] Hey, guys, now that we've cleared the ladies out of the room, let's get down to it.
Speaker 2:
[22:50] All right.
Speaker 3:
[22:51] They're all gone.
Speaker 5:
[22:51] All right.
Speaker 2:
[22:52] Who's shirts?
Speaker 5:
[22:52] Who's skins?
Speaker 2:
[22:58] We'll be right back. All right.
Speaker 1:
[23:03] Back to the show.
Speaker 2:
[23:06] Wait a minute, Stephen, I want to go back to the talk show for a minute. Because you were kind of looting this with Jason.
Speaker 5:
[23:10] Me too. But they won't let me.
Speaker 2:
[23:15] But obviously, I don't want to know names. Please don't say names. But what are the types of guests that are the greatest and the types that are the worst?
Speaker 3:
[23:24] And also mouth the worst.
Speaker 5:
[23:30] The worst? Oh boy. The best guests are just anybody who wants to talk and actually have a conversation. Like that the card is immaterial. We don't have to stick to the card. Don't get me wrong. I really like Nathan Lane comes on and what I love about him is that he's old timey. And it has nothing to do with his age. It means he comes on and I know to ask him a question and he's got 90 seconds on that subject at the end of which there's a word he says and he's done with that story. And I move on to the next thing, which is very old school, very carcinogenic and I love it. It's the old days. But what I really like is just somebody who's come on and talk. And also somebody who's really... That's why I like Neil Tyson. Because Neil Tyson, A, I'm interested in this subject, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. And then he burns so passionately. He wants to explain things. It's like this lump of glowing conversational uranium. And I feel singed on one side of my body after he leaves.
Speaker 3:
[24:36] We loved him too. He's so good.
Speaker 1:
[24:38] He's a joy. I stumped him. He couldn't answer my question.
Speaker 2:
[24:41] That's not true.
Speaker 1:
[24:43] He didn't get it.
Speaker 5:
[24:44] Name all the children on the Partridge family. And what their astrological signs were.
Speaker 2:
[24:55] Yeah, he couldn't get it. Couldn't get it.
Speaker 5:
[24:58] He got stumped on Danny. He had everybody but Danny.
Speaker 3:
[25:01] What did you think he'd know?
Speaker 5:
[25:03] Right, because Danny's on a cusp. He's a cancer Leo cusp.
Speaker 2:
[25:08] Wait, Stephen, tell me about, and I know I'm sorry if you've answered this question a billion times, what are you feeling about the end of your show and like all of that and-
Speaker 5:
[25:17] I actually have not answered it a million times. I've answered it once to Seth Meyers and he answered that. He asked that question way better.
Speaker 4:
[25:26] Let's see how Jason would do.
Speaker 3:
[25:28] Jason, do it on your show. How would you ask Stephen on your show?
Speaker 1:
[25:31] Stephen, end of your show, thoughts?
Speaker 5:
[25:38] 250 people losing their jobs. Any feelings?
Speaker 1:
[25:40] You've only got 30 seconds, remember.
Speaker 3:
[25:42] People gotta get back after lunch. Lunch breaks these days are short.
Speaker 2:
[25:45] Yeah, 30 second webisode.
Speaker 5:
[25:47] Hey, listen, on one level, I have no time to feel anything about it because as I said, I was just saying, it really is like a flaming toboggan ride every day. Like I got a show. I don't have time for this bullshit. I've got to go do a show today. And it takes everything I got. I don't know what I'm going to do after this because I don't have time to really. I've got stuff I'm committed to doing things after this that I committed to before we were canceled that I've got to deliver on. But what I'm going to really do, I don't know, because this takes almost all of my brain to do this. And I love this group of people that I work with. I have cobbled together over the last 21 years, some over like 30 years of working in TV.
Speaker 1:
[26:26] It shows. The show is so goddamn good.
Speaker 5:
[26:28] Thanks. And we have a really good time to each other. I mean, we have real affection for each other. We have great time together. We call it the joy machine because it's a machine all the time. And you can either do it with joy or not do it with joy. Because if you don't do it with joy, your finger is going to get caught in the gears and you're just going to be fucking mad and sad all the time.
Speaker 2:
[26:46] Absolutely.
Speaker 5:
[26:46] And so, you know, we just try to have a good time. And we want our guests to have a really good time. Like, the whole thing is I really feel like I'm a host. It's like I'm hosting a party.
Speaker 3:
[26:57] But people get nervous, though. I remember JB, sometimes people are in their dressing room and they're shitting their pants.
Speaker 2:
[27:09] Wait a minute, Stephen, Stephen, look.
Speaker 3:
[27:11] I love it.
Speaker 2:
[27:12] Wait, wait, look.
Speaker 4:
[27:13] You have not been back.
Speaker 2:
[27:14] He's been sent on that.
Speaker 5:
[27:14] You have not been back since that story has been told, and I've been waiting to give you a pair of underwear.
Speaker 3:
[27:20] No, we got our underwear. By the way, you sent us underwear.
Speaker 4:
[27:22] I still wear it.
Speaker 5:
[27:23] I know what Sean came, yes.
Speaker 3:
[27:25] I still wear mine, too.
Speaker 2:
[27:26] I still wear it. I have it on right now. That's so crazy.
Speaker 1:
[27:28] Wait, wait, I don't have underwear.
Speaker 3:
[27:30] Yeah, you do.
Speaker 5:
[27:30] We sent you all underwear. We sent you really nice, like Calvin underwear or something like that.
Speaker 3:
[27:35] No, what are they? What are they, Sean?
Speaker 2:
[27:36] No, they're called.
Speaker 3:
[27:37] What's the brand? Go low, go low, Sean.
Speaker 5:
[27:40] Are they Tommy, like Tommy?
Speaker 1:
[27:42] Tommy Bahama.
Speaker 4:
[27:43] No, they're Tommy.
Speaker 1:
[27:45] They're on the back.
Speaker 4:
[27:48] I don't know what.
Speaker 3:
[27:51] Scotty, come check my underwear. He's like, again?
Speaker 1:
[27:54] I can't read upside down.
Speaker 5:
[27:55] I read this the fourth time.
Speaker 3:
[27:56] This is not for that. Not for that.
Speaker 5:
[28:05] What brand is Wednesday?
Speaker 1:
[28:10] Wait, Stephen, I haven't been back since then? That's not true.
Speaker 5:
[28:12] You have not back since you shit your pants on my show.
Speaker 1:
[28:18] David Cross can confirm.
Speaker 2:
[28:21] They're for daily wear. For daily wear.
Speaker 1:
[28:23] That's a, that's a, fuck, I have a, Mark, Mark, Mark.
Speaker 5:
[28:27] Andreessen.
Speaker 1:
[28:28] Mark Andreessen.
Speaker 5:
[28:31] That's his, that's how he made the billions.
Speaker 1:
[28:33] Mac, Mac, Mac Wellen.
Speaker 2:
[28:35] Mac, okay.
Speaker 1:
[28:38] Mark Wayne, Mark Wayne Mellon. Mark Wayne Mellon.
Speaker 3:
[28:42] you know, it's unreal. These tech guys, they're movin to underwear. It's been unprecedented. Oh, my underwear's in the cloud. They went from AI to underwear.
Speaker 5:
[28:49] My underwear's in the cloud now. I shit my pants in the cloud.
Speaker 3:
[28:54] The cloud.
Speaker 1:
[28:55] My underwear's in your trash can.
Speaker 2:
[29:00] I shit my pants in the cloud.
Speaker 1:
[29:07] We should explain to the listener that I had to relax. No, I don't think we should.
Speaker 5:
[29:10] No, I don't think we should explain. I'm sorry. You come and shit your pants on my show, you don't get to explain anything until you come on my show to explain. You don't get to burn this story on somebody else's show even if it's yours.
Speaker 3:
[29:22] I think Jason should be your last guest now, obviously.
Speaker 4:
[29:26] He's done so much.
Speaker 5:
[29:28] He only comes out for 30 seconds. I'm sorry, that's all we have time for.
Speaker 1:
[29:31] I gotta go clean myself.
Speaker 4:
[29:32] Goodbye.
Speaker 3:
[29:34] You think?
Speaker 5:
[29:35] Well, all of our guests in our gift bag, we do have dude wipes.
Speaker 2:
[29:41] Now we do.
Speaker 5:
[29:42] Yeah, they're denim dude wipes.
Speaker 2:
[29:45] Wait, so Stephen.
Speaker 1:
[29:47] 35 minutes in, we haven't had a question yet. I love it. This is called a good guest.
Speaker 5:
[29:51] No, he asked how I was feeling. Sean asked how I was feeling.
Speaker 3:
[29:55] Yeah, do you remember that?
Speaker 2:
[29:57] Yeah.
Speaker 3:
[29:58] Then you asked him thoughts.
Speaker 4:
[30:00] Yes.
Speaker 5:
[30:02] Let me finish answering that question just saying how I feel. Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years and pre-missing everyone. How about that?
Speaker 2:
[30:11] And when is the last show? When is the date?
Speaker 5:
[30:14] They haven't told me yet. Evidently, someone is just going to come up and shoot me in the back of the head. And they want me to wear a chin strap beard and a stovepipe hat and I don't understand why.
Speaker 1:
[30:28] A bunch of plastic on the desk.
Speaker 5:
[30:30] I just come in, I go, huh?
Speaker 1:
[30:33] What's all the plastic doing on the floor?
Speaker 5:
[30:34] It's May 21st.
Speaker 2:
[30:35] It's May 21st.
Speaker 5:
[30:37] May 21st.
Speaker 2:
[30:38] So close.
Speaker 1:
[30:39] So they're going to get some sweeps ratings out of it.
Speaker 2:
[30:41] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[30:41] Do you know there are no sweeps anymore?
Speaker 1:
[30:43] Really?
Speaker 2:
[30:43] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[30:44] Sweeps don't exist. They haven't been around for like eight years. There have been no sweeps. Get back in the game, baby. I know this podcast thing is working out for you guys, but you know, you've lost a step.
Speaker 3:
[30:58] Old TV. Old TV.
Speaker 5:
[31:00] There's no more...
Speaker 3:
[31:02] There's no pilot season.
Speaker 5:
[31:03] No.
Speaker 1:
[31:04] There isn't?
Speaker 5:
[31:04] No.
Speaker 2:
[31:05] Although I just read that they're going to try to do that again. That they're going to do pilots again.
Speaker 3:
[31:10] Well, would so... Yeah, anyway...
Speaker 5:
[31:12] Oh, pilot season. Maybe I'll fly out and do pilot season again. That was always fun.
Speaker 2:
[31:15] Why don't you do that?
Speaker 1:
[31:15] Stay at the Oakwoods and memorize lines.
Speaker 5:
[31:17] Stay at the farmer's daughter or whatever the thing that...
Speaker 4:
[31:19] Oh my God, I'm fair-backed. I used to stay at the Oakwoods.
Speaker 5:
[31:21] Yeah, stay at the farmer's daughter or... My had a brother lives up in La Canyada. I would stay with him. Oh my God, he had great cars. Oh, he would lend me his Porsche. I would go to these... I didn't have... I couldn't like... I didn't have... Back then, it was like pre-cell phones. I couldn't make a phone call. I had no cash. But I would pull up to the audition in a white Carrera. Wow. What's the brother do? Was lawyer. He's 19 years senior than me. And I'm one of 11. He's the eldest on the baby. And big, big California land use lawyer. And many other things too.
Speaker 2:
[31:58] Wow.
Speaker 3:
[31:59] So you had nothing but... Poor you had a Thomas Guide.
Speaker 1:
[32:02] Oh, sure he did.
Speaker 3:
[32:03] Oh, I did.
Speaker 1:
[32:03] Page 33 and 34.
Speaker 5:
[32:05] The Thomas Guide flip over. Okay, H like that. I remember, I had a Thomas Guide. I just kept it in my bag all the time because I don't know, I never knew when I have to go to LA. And when OJ was on the chase, I was driving from New York down to... What happened?
Speaker 4:
[32:23] Yeah, this guy got railroaded.
Speaker 1:
[32:25] I'm telling Stephen. I have some terrible news.
Speaker 3:
[32:27] Sean, you're going to be so... He's a fucking crazy OJ fan.
Speaker 1:
[32:30] What?
Speaker 5:
[32:30] Oh, um...
Speaker 4:
[32:31] You're going to be so...
Speaker 1:
[32:33] All the way back to the Trojans.
Speaker 3:
[32:34] We've kept him insulated because he's such a fan.
Speaker 5:
[32:38] Oh. I was driving from New Yorktown to Maryland for a wedding, and he's in the chase, and I just... I'm in the backseat driving down with these people to a wedding, and I get in the backseat, and I've got the Thomas Guide following where he is based on what they're saying on the radio, going, no way. And we go, oh, he's getting off. He's gonna get off the highway. Here's his exit. And I was like...
Speaker 4:
[32:56] I was trying to stay one...
Speaker 5:
[32:57] I was one step ahead of OJ the whole time, baby.
Speaker 3:
[33:00] You were like, what's he doing? He's taking Montana? That's crazy.
Speaker 4:
[33:05] And this time of day?
Speaker 2:
[33:08] He'll never make it back.
Speaker 3:
[33:10] I was in... I remember I was in... I was out here. I was in California briefly. When that happened, I was staying at a friend's house up in the hills and I could see... You could see where he was going by all the helicopters going along the freeway. Just the pack of helicopters following him and then culminating his house. It was so scary.
Speaker 1:
[33:26] I still feel like that was like three years ago.
Speaker 2:
[33:29] I know. Isn't that weird? Yeah. I know.
Speaker 1:
[33:31] I remember they interrupted, I think, the NBA playoffs or something, right?
Speaker 3:
[33:35] Yes. The Knicks were in the finals.
Speaker 1:
[33:38] With the Lakers.
Speaker 5:
[33:39] When I arrived at this wedding, my wife had gone on ahead of me. It was all her friend. It was for her friend getting married. I pull up to this and he's not out of the car yet. It's still the overhead chase. I come up and my wife is at the door of the bar where everyone's meeting the night before the wedding and I get out of the car. I walk past her. I went, hi, and I walk into the bar. She has not seen me because I'm living in New York working and she's in Chicago. She hasn't seen me in two weeks. I went, hi, I walked by here and I went up to the bar and said, can you please change that game to any news station right now? And the guy went, no. And I said, I promise you people will be interested in this.
Speaker 1:
[34:18] Yeah, because remember everybody was really concerned that he was just wanting to get into his driveway so that he could commit suicide in the back of that. Remember they said that there's a gun back there and he just wanted to get to his house and get it done.
Speaker 2:
[34:30] And a wig or something?
Speaker 1:
[34:31] Yeah, and there was a whole suicide note.
Speaker 4:
[34:33] A wig was there?
Speaker 5:
[34:34] It was a wig.
Speaker 3:
[34:35] Oh, a wig. Not Kristen. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:
[34:38] Kristen's wig was in the back seat.
Speaker 5:
[34:40] He was actually, the same day he was auditioning for La Cage.
Speaker 3:
[34:44] No way. They were paired.
Speaker 5:
[34:46] And he would have been fantastic. Let's all admit. Yes, murder, yes, but fantastic.
Speaker 3:
[34:53] In fairness, you're right.
Speaker 5:
[34:54] You think Nathan Lane hasn't killed somebody?
Speaker 1:
[34:57] There's our clip.
Speaker 2:
[35:01] I am what I am.
Speaker 3:
[35:03] Who knew our 300th would be our last?
Speaker 1:
[35:08] This is pretty-
Speaker 5:
[35:09] Oh, happy 300. This is 300?
Speaker 2:
[35:10] Thank you.
Speaker 1:
[35:11] Now, yeah, I think you were-
Speaker 3:
[35:12] You were on early, early, early days, one of our first ones, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[35:16] First 10, first 20?
Speaker 5:
[35:17] Yeah, I didn't even know who you guys were. They're like, do you wanna do this thing?
Speaker 4:
[35:20] And I'm like-
Speaker 3:
[35:20] Well, you still don't.
Speaker 4:
[35:22] Price was right.
Speaker 2:
[35:24] Yeah, you're Googling us as you speak. Wait, back to the farmer's daughter. I hooked up with someone at the farmer's daughter. Huh?
Speaker 4:
[35:33] Oh, go ahead.
Speaker 5:
[35:33] Wait a second.
Speaker 3:
[35:35] Wait a second.
Speaker 5:
[35:36] Wait a second. Was he pale and Irish from South Carolina? Was he very lonely? Did he keep on calling? Did he call you Evie?
Speaker 3:
[35:46] Stephen, does that line up, Stephen, with what you called your blackout days?
Speaker 5:
[35:53] Is that... I think we matched Legos.
Speaker 3:
[35:58] Wait, Sean, keep going.
Speaker 2:
[36:00] No, that's it. I was so young. End of story?
Speaker 5:
[36:04] So you would go audition in the morning. You'd audition like a couple of places in the morning. And then you'd go to the, whatchamacallit, the farmer's market.
Speaker 2:
[36:12] That's right.
Speaker 3:
[36:12] But the old one.
Speaker 5:
[36:14] Old one, yeah. In the big parking lot or whatever.
Speaker 1:
[36:15] Before the Grove was built.
Speaker 5:
[36:17] Yeah, and then you'd get like a fruit plate and you and all the people you knew from Chicago, which was my situation, you'd sit around and you'd put your beeper in the middle of the table. And everybody put your beeper in front of you and you'd be eating like some lovely melon or whatever like that. And then, and somebody would start buzzing.
Speaker 2:
[36:34] That's right.
Speaker 1:
[36:35] Call back.
Speaker 5:
[36:35] And then you'd be like, well, well, that's the life I could have had.
Speaker 3:
[36:39] What was that great breakfast place that was there?
Speaker 5:
[36:43] Denny's?
Speaker 2:
[36:43] At the farmer's market?
Speaker 3:
[36:44] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[36:44] Oh, it's called DuPars.
Speaker 4:
[36:46] DuPars.
Speaker 3:
[36:47] No, no, it wasn't DuPars. It was like a counter. You could go with not DuPars. It was like a, it was part of the farmer's market though.
Speaker 1:
[36:53] There were a lot of tasteful treats in there. Well, Stephen, do you remember going in and reading for a pilot and signing your five year deal and seeing what you could be making if you do make it past this final round?
Speaker 5:
[37:10] Yeah, I want you to know I did not go to network that many times. I turned out had to write for myself because I was ostensibly an actor, but I was really, I turned out I was probably a writer who needed to write for himself because I didn't, there's not a lot of tape on me from the early days. I went to network, they were going to do an Adams family. I remember that. They were going to do like a reboot of the Adams family. I did, I was called back in for Gomez. I remember that. That was kind of fun.
Speaker 3:
[37:43] Do you remember who got it? Do you remember who's in that pilot?
Speaker 5:
[37:46] Nope. Oh, here's a good one. I was supposed to be the sidekick. Did I tell you this already?
Speaker 3:
[37:52] No.
Speaker 5:
[37:53] Did I tell this last time? I was offered the sidekick for the Magic Hour.
Speaker 2:
[37:57] What's the Magic Hour?
Speaker 5:
[37:58] What's the Magic Hour? Magic Johnson's talk show.
Speaker 1:
[38:02] No way.
Speaker 5:
[38:03] Yeah, I was offered the sidekick on the Magic Hour.
Speaker 1:
[38:06] Did that ever go? I don't remember that show. It did.
Speaker 5:
[38:09] It went for like eight weeks or something like that. Like, whatever, 32 shows or something like that. And I got called in, a really lovely fella named Jim Sharp, who used to, he was head of development for Comedy Central. And I knew him through that. And he goes, would you come in and just meet with these people? And I said, sure. I mean, I had a wife and a child and none of us had any jobs. And I was like, whatever. I will dance on the head of a pin. Right. We'd know, shirtless. And I went in and I met with them. And first I went to the gym and then Magic's team came in. And Magic's team all looked like...
Speaker 3:
[38:44] The Lakers?
Speaker 2:
[38:48] The entire basketball team.
Speaker 5:
[38:50] Just the Laker girls. Just the Laker girls.
Speaker 3:
[38:53] Okay, sorry.
Speaker 5:
[38:54] They all came in. They're all very attractive, very athletic looking and all, I think, lawyers. And they came in and they explained to me what the show was going to be. And they said, you're going to be the announcer and the sidekick. And you'll be like, you're like Magic's crazy uncle. Like, he'll do a monologue, but you're like the crazy guy and you'll pepper him with like, you'll yell things at him. And you're like, you'll say stuff. And he'll like, he doesn't know what you're talking about. Like, you know, you're like the crazy uncle. He doesn't understand what you're saying or anything like that. And evidently, I really wowed them in when I said, I understand what you mean. Like, I didn't, I don't remember saying anything other than the words you're saying are registering with my tympanum. And then I got called and I said, they want you, man. They want you. And I had to sit my pregnant wife down, because I flew back to New York. I had to sit my pregnant wife down. And we're unemployed, she's pregnant, and I had to say to her, I've been offered this job on the Magic Hour, and I have to not take it. And she goes, what? And it paid well. I'm gonna say it paid well. And we didn't have, we were living with her parents back in South Carolina. It was a bad situation, and we're in the breakfast nook of her parents' house. And I said, I can't, I just think this would not, this would not be good for me. Like, I would never be able to wash off this tape. I just don't think this is gonna be good. And then she stood up, God bless this woman, she stood up, she looked at me, and she said, okay. She said, I trust you. And then she walked out of the room, and it was a bad moment. And then like six weeks later, it went on the air, and she turned to me, she says, good call. Because Magic comes out, turns to this guy, I forgot who it is, perfectly lovely comedian, who got the gig, I used to know his name, I can't remember, you'd know him if you saw him, he's a funny guy. And the first thing the guy says to Magic, Magic goes, man, he's like my crazy uncle, he says things and I don't know what he's talking about. He like just named exactly what they had said to me in the meeting, and then it kind of went downhill from there.
Speaker 3:
[40:58] Do you think you would have ended up owning a piece of the Dodgers had you stayed?
Speaker 5:
[41:03] No, but a lot of movie theaters.
Speaker 4:
[41:05] Yes.
Speaker 1:
[41:07] Well, that's not a great business nowadays, right? Owning those theaters, those are closed.
Speaker 5:
[41:11] You can just go in and buy popcorn, you know, you don't have to actually go see a movie.
Speaker 4:
[41:14] No kidding.
Speaker 5:
[41:15] You can just go in and buy popcorn and work the Coca-Cola machine. No shit.
Speaker 3:
[41:20] I live so close to Century City, I could just...
Speaker 5:
[41:22] See, it's convenient, you don't even think about it.
Speaker 4:
[41:24] God.
Speaker 3:
[41:26] So wait, so that's like 94, 95 type thing, like in there. That's pre or post?
Speaker 5:
[41:31] Yeah, that's 90, that's 97.
Speaker 4:
[41:35] That's 97.
Speaker 3:
[41:35] That's 97.
Speaker 5:
[41:36] It's post my first gig.
Speaker 3:
[41:37] So it's right before Strangers with Candy.
Speaker 5:
[41:40] Yeah, it's after Carvey even. It's after Carvey. I've done X-37, then I've done Carvey, and then Strangers with Candy. I actually, while I was out there for that pilot season, Paul Danello and I with Amy Sedaris wrote the pilot over the phone. We wrote the pilot for Strangers.
Speaker 3:
[41:58] Wow.
Speaker 2:
[41:59] That's amazing.
Speaker 5:
[41:59] Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[42:01] So great. Now, I know you kind of already answered this, but what, after you're done with the show, I don't know, everybody's gonna keep asking you over and over, what are you gonna do, what are you gonna do?
Speaker 5:
[42:11] I feel like a college senior.
Speaker 1:
[42:13] I feel like I'm just about to graduate. Because they want you, because they want more of you. We didn't get a vote in all this. Everyone was watching your show because they want you, they love you, they don't want it to be over. So what are you going to do for us?
Speaker 2:
[42:29] Yeah, so what's the dream?
Speaker 5:
[42:30] I guess I'll just join you guys.
Speaker 1:
[42:32] That'd be great. There we go, we've got our second clip.
Speaker 5:
[42:34] Fourth?
Speaker 3:
[42:35] Yeah.
Speaker 1:
[42:36] You need fourth?
Speaker 3:
[42:36] Yeah, we're finally ready.
Speaker 5:
[42:38] Even split, right? Even equity?
Speaker 3:
[42:40] Yeah, of course.
Speaker 5:
[42:42] I can get up higher. Or I'll dilute one of you. I'll dilute one of you. We'll draw straws. We'll draw straws to see who gets to live.
Speaker 1:
[42:49] Sounds fair.
Speaker 3:
[42:49] Okay, sure.
Speaker 4:
[42:50] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[42:52] We'll be right back.
Speaker 1:
[42:57] And now back to the show.
Speaker 2:
[43:01] But what is the, I know, sorry, we can move on from this if you want, but what is the dream? Like, is there anything that you've always wanted to do?
Speaker 5:
[43:07] Here's the thing. There's a lot of things that I enjoy doing. I kind of live in the dream. You know, this was never my dream. I never had any intention to do this gig. It was, no, I never had any intention to, this was a happy accident that I got this gig. Like, I quit the old show before this show came to me. I hadn't told anybody I'd quit. I was like, okay, that was the end of that show. And then before I could tell anybody, they offered me this. And then I came over here. But the idea was just, I was just going to go back being an actor again. I was going to go just do that, live that life.
Speaker 2:
[43:39] So then maybe we can look forward to that, what Jason was saying. Maybe you're gonna be an actor.
Speaker 5:
[43:42] Yeah, I'm about to enter into show business again. I've kind of not been in show business for 21 years because this is artificial. Like, to be able to come in every day to know where your clothes are and who you're working with and what time it starts and what time it ends. And especially as the host, because you even get to make the yearly schedule. You just have to hit a number. But you get to make the dates. But after 21 years of that, now I'm like, wait, so if I'm lucky, I have to go to Prague for three weeks? You know what I mean? Prague's a lovely place, but I've really enjoyed, I mean, I got to raise my kids under those conditions, like where I know where I was. And it's so lucky. And there's lots of young people who this was their first job. And they've been with me for 20 years. And now they're not young anymore.
Speaker 2:
[44:27] Amazing, amazing.
Speaker 5:
[44:27] And I'm trying to prep them for what it was like before I had this gig, which is real show business, which is like high dittledee d and actor's life for me. You know, it's very much of a caravan.
Speaker 1:
[44:36] But then just so then just to build on that, then I mean, the bar is very high for that, which you are comfortable doing. Like you don't want to be or very low or very low.
Speaker 5:
[44:46] Like I really honest to God, I tell you, you know, the person who did the thing that I most admire, I mean, not most admire, but the thing that really struck me is like, you know what Hader did when he left SNL? He went and wrote for South Park for a season. And I remember I seen I saw him. I was still doing the first show and when he did that, and I was sitting behind him at the Emmys, and I said, man, that's the perfect thing to do. Just go serve something that you love already. Like see, I give service to people whose work I really admire. And I thought, that's a great thing to do. Don't even worry about like your status of your previous gig. Just go do something you love. I just don't have the time to, I mean, I got some things I do want to do, but I would never tell you what they are.
Speaker 4:
[45:29] Sure. No, no.
Speaker 5:
[45:30] Then you would go do them.
Speaker 4:
[45:32] Right.
Speaker 5:
[45:33] I know what it's like.
Speaker 3:
[45:34] But just to hint.
Speaker 5:
[45:35] I know what Hollywood is like.
Speaker 3:
[45:36] Just a hint, though. Just a little hint.
Speaker 4:
[45:42] Just a hint?
Speaker 1:
[45:44] Is it streaming? Is it linear? It's just us.
Speaker 5:
[45:50] It's pay-per-view.
Speaker 1:
[45:51] Pay-per-view. That's still a thing.
Speaker 5:
[45:54] Yeah, yeah. It's mostly a form of...
Speaker 4:
[45:57] UFC. UFC?
Speaker 5:
[45:59] It's MMA, technically.
Speaker 4:
[46:00] It's a form of MMA. So smart. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:
[46:04] I love it if you... Would you fight Jake Paul?
Speaker 4:
[46:08] Could that be your next move?
Speaker 2:
[46:11] Who wouldn't watch that?
Speaker 3:
[46:12] Come on.
Speaker 2:
[46:12] Who wouldn't watch that?
Speaker 5:
[46:13] God, I would love that so much.
Speaker 3:
[46:15] Sprinting around the ring. If you challenged him to a fight when you rap.
Speaker 5:
[46:21] I remember on the old show, I challenged... Who Brock Lesnar is? On the old show, I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight. I called him a pussy and everything like that. It occurred to me that it was over multiple shows. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what had happened that I got mad at Brock Lesnar in character. At a certain point, I went, I should stop saying this.
Speaker 1:
[46:42] Did he ever come on the show?
Speaker 5:
[46:44] My head would just sheer off cleanly like a graham cracker if he punched me once.
Speaker 1:
[46:50] God, remember him.
Speaker 5:
[46:52] He's still alive. He's not dead, is he? Don't even joke about Brock Lesnar dying. No, no, no.
Speaker 1:
[46:58] I mean, when he was fighting, remember him. He's a monster. Remember Mike Tyson was just so violent in the ring.
Speaker 5:
[47:08] Have you seen that, like the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight? Have you seen the footage where Mike pulls a punch because if he had followed through, he would have killed Jake Paul? You see like that calculation of like, I promised him I wouldn't do this. Then he puts his fist down because Jake's open completely. His head is just, his head just says that enter here sign right, right on his chin and Tyson sees the opportunity. And you see him not take the opportunity.
Speaker 3:
[47:34] Yeah. I remember seeing that video going around and everybody saying this is definitely what the deal was. Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[47:40] I mean, did you like, I say I grew up, I'm old enough, I'm much older than two of you. And when I was a kid, we was, Ali was on TV. There's no paper. Like you would go watch Ali on TV and Foreman and Smoke and Joe Frazier. And it was a big part of my childhood was watching professional boxing.
Speaker 2:
[48:04] I never understood it. I don't, where the goal is to hit someone so hard that they lose consciousness. Yes, that's the goal.
Speaker 5:
[48:11] To hit them as hard as you possibly can, just shy of killing them.
Speaker 2:
[48:15] That's right.
Speaker 5:
[48:17] That's the sweet science right there.
Speaker 3:
[48:18] Sean, you don't get it.
Speaker 2:
[48:19] Well, what's the draw?
Speaker 4:
[48:20] I mean, you've met people before, right?
Speaker 1:
[48:21] And by the way, if you do kill them, you're good.
Speaker 4:
[48:24] You've been in the world.
Speaker 1:
[48:25] You don't get prosecuted. If they do, if, oh, really? If they die, you can get prosecuted?
Speaker 5:
[48:29] Boxers can get prosecuted, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[48:31] Oh, really?
Speaker 5:
[48:31] Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[48:32] But isn't that the goal? To kill, almost kill them.
Speaker 5:
[48:34] No, the goal is to not kill them.
Speaker 2:
[48:36] But almost kill them.
Speaker 5:
[48:37] Yeah. How about bullfighting? How do you feel about bullfighting?
Speaker 2:
[48:39] Oh, that's not good. I'll watch it for a few seconds.
Speaker 5:
[48:41] Yeah. Oh, I'll eat them, but I won't stab them.
Speaker 3:
[48:45] How dare you?
Speaker 5:
[48:46] I'll eat them.
Speaker 3:
[48:46] How dare you?
Speaker 5:
[48:47] I'll watch them. I'll put a bolt stunner in their head and bleed them out. And then I'll grind them up. But I wouldn't want anyone in tight pants to taunt it to death.
Speaker 3:
[49:00] Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you drag us out to deep water.
Speaker 4:
[49:03] How dare you?
Speaker 5:
[49:05] It's called heritage. It's called heritage, my friend. El heritijo.
Speaker 2:
[49:10] I am listening to you. What's the, yeah, that's exactly right.
Speaker 5:
[49:13] Oh, it's beautiful.
Speaker 4:
[49:14] Oh, beautiful.
Speaker 5:
[49:15] It's an art. If you could bring, if you could... I went to the bull fight. I went to the Plaza del Toro in Madrid when I was a kid with my mom. And my mom, my mom, I remember the whole time, she was like, I know I shouldn't love it. I know I shouldn't love it. And the bull, it was a bad fight. One of the fights was bad. The matter was bad. And my mother stood up as the bull was being dragged off and yelled, Viva el Toro! I'm like, you're from Larchmont. What is happening to you?
Speaker 2:
[49:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5:
[49:49] She was a Hemingway fan. That was the problem, or the opportunity.
Speaker 3:
[49:52] Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5:
[49:54] Papa was what we called.
Speaker 3:
[49:55] Yeah, the sun also rises.
Speaker 1:
[49:56] Are they still doing bull fighting?
Speaker 5:
[49:58] They are. In Spain, they still are, I think, pretty much. There's this Provençal bull fighting, which is like in southern France, near the Spanish border. They don't hurt the bull. They taunt the bull and they run away from it and they basically do dives to get out of its way. And between its horns, there are strings tied and there are little ribbons and things. And if you get close enough to pull the ribbon off and not get hit by the bull, like that's the, that's the, that's the premo to premo.
Speaker 3:
[50:25] The French, they just surrender to the bull immediately.
Speaker 4:
[50:28] Isn't that the deal?
Speaker 5:
[50:30] Some of them, they tell the bull where the Jews are.
Speaker 2:
[50:38] Wait, what do you get if you pull a ribbon off the bull?
Speaker 5:
[50:42] Honor.
Speaker 1:
[50:42] What do you get?
Speaker 2:
[50:43] Honor.
Speaker 5:
[50:43] Honor.
Speaker 2:
[50:44] And is there a receipt for that?
Speaker 5:
[50:46] Yes, there is. There is, there actually is. I have, but I'll show you. I'll send you guys the website. I follow the season. There's a season, and then it's their teams.
Speaker 2:
[50:54] Oh, so you're into it, you're into that.
Speaker 1:
[50:57] Would you ever run with the bulls?
Speaker 5:
[50:58] Yes, I would. Oh, yeah, my son did that. It's a very good, it's a very manly look to wear the white outfit. It's the Feast of San Sebastian or something. I forget what it's called.
Speaker 1:
[51:10] Isn't there, there's a tomato fight associated with the weekend, isn't there?
Speaker 5:
[51:14] That's a different thing. That's a totally different town. That's a totally different town.
Speaker 1:
[51:20] I was sent a package and there's a town in Spain where they have tomato fights.
Speaker 3:
[51:26] The way that you mix up your European festivals is so fucking gross, dude.
Speaker 1:
[51:30] And then don't they throw oranges at one of them too?
Speaker 2:
[51:33] There's an orange toss. During Oktoberfest, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
[51:38] And then you drink beers, right? Then you go up to Germany and you have beers, it's the same weekend.
Speaker 3:
[51:44] How much time do you spend with Sedaris these days?
Speaker 2:
[51:46] Not enough.
Speaker 5:
[51:47] Not enough.
Speaker 3:
[51:48] God, she's a treasurer, isn't she?
Speaker 2:
[51:50] She's lovely.
Speaker 5:
[51:52] She's just marvelous.
Speaker 1:
[51:53] That Instagram of hers, I don't know how she gets those photos.
Speaker 5:
[51:58] Very powerful. Her birthday is coming up soon.
Speaker 3:
[52:01] Well, what's amazing is how big she is on Instagram. She didn't get a cell phone until about 2018, I don't think. 2018, right? I mean, you know that too. She never had a cell phone. She had to call her at home and leave her a message.
Speaker 2:
[52:13] Oh, by the way, a friend of mine just, you know, these are like new things. There's now landlines are coming back. And there's six numbers. There's like 630-886 or whatever.
Speaker 1:
[52:23] Instead of a seven number.
Speaker 2:
[52:24] No, but yes, correct. And it's tied to the internet in your house, but it's a landline. And it can only go to a certain person. Like, right? One person.
Speaker 1:
[52:36] Like a hotline.
Speaker 5:
[52:37] Only that person can pick up the phone?
Speaker 2:
[52:38] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[52:40] Like, is there a thumb print identifier?
Speaker 2:
[52:42] I don't know.
Speaker 3:
[52:42] Like a hotline, like the old school hotline.
Speaker 2:
[52:44] Almost like a hotline, yeah. And they're getting really popular really fast.
Speaker 1:
[52:49] Do a little bit more research on that.
Speaker 4:
[52:50] Come back and listen to it, Sean.
Speaker 3:
[52:52] You know what, Stephen?
Speaker 5:
[52:53] That story did not pan out. Lot of excitement. Lot of excitement in the beginning of that. And if we had jumped on, maybe we could have gotten that boat up on its kegs, you know? We could have made the wave with you. We just washed you.
Speaker 2:
[53:09] But there's nothing else to the story other than landlines are coming back.
Speaker 4:
[53:12] You know what, you should do that maybe, Stephen.
Speaker 3:
[53:14] What about a landline where you have like a hotline and you answer, people call it and you just stand by the phone and you answer questions. They pay you, right? Sort of a couple bucks. And then you pick up the phone and you give them like 30 seconds.
Speaker 5:
[53:24] I have a wealth of knowledge. Ask me anything. Ask me anything. Right now, let's try it out. Ask me anything. And let's see if I know anything about the subject.
Speaker 1:
[53:33] In what country and on what weekend do they do the tomato fight?
Speaker 4:
[53:37] Oh, this is great. This is great.
Speaker 5:
[53:40] That is actually, it's not in Spain, it's in Italy. It's on the feast of St. Cristobal. It's on the 8th of August. Do you see this?
Speaker 4:
[53:45] Come on.
Speaker 2:
[53:46] Is that true? Is that true?
Speaker 5:
[53:47] No, it's total bullshit. But that's...
Speaker 3:
[53:50] But that's what you're gonna get on his hotline.
Speaker 5:
[53:52] And I think that will be my podcast and it will be called A Dangerous Thing because a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And I just, I answer all of your questions as with absolute confidence.
Speaker 4:
[54:02] Yeah, you have very little knowledge.
Speaker 5:
[54:05] I have broad but very shallow, like you cannot get your ankles wet in my level of knowledge. In most things, other than the Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1:
[54:13] It's called Good Smelling Bullshit with Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 5:
[54:16] That's right. Then you don't know what it's like to be married to me.
Speaker 3:
[54:18] Are you like, are you super into the, because you're into the Lord of the Rings and stuff. Obviously, I imagine through, initially through the books, are you a big Star Wars guy too because Sean is huge Star Wars in that whole world?
Speaker 5:
[54:29] I do, I do enjoy, I do enjoy the Star Wars universe. I was lucky enough when I was 13 years old, when Star Wars came out in 77. And because WTMA, the local radio station, with the host Booby Nash and 1250 on your AM dial, they gave away tickets. You had to be like the fifth caller and you got four tickets to see this movie and nobody knew what it was. It was called Star Wars. And I won, or my friend Keith Sargey, and it was me and Keith Sargey and Haskell Fudenberg and Haskell's mom because we couldn't drive. We went to go see it. We had no idea what it was. And it was three weeks before it was released nationally. And so we went to Northwoods Mall or something and we had these.
Speaker 1:
[55:17] Early taste makers.
Speaker 5:
[55:18] We had to stop by the radio station to pick up the tickets and there were big blue tickets that had like the Death Star on it and an X-Wing. We didn't know what any of this was. Right, right. And we wanted to keep the tickets because that would be cool. They said, no, you got to give us the tickets. But they handed us back a big button with a Starfield on it that said, may the force be with you. We had no idea what that meant. But we put our pins on and we sat down, absolutely no idea what we were about to experience. And then, you know, a long time ago in the galaxy, far, far away, we were like, what is that? And then, and Star Wars comes up and we were, it grabbed us by the scrotum. Like it just dragged, and I was 13 and there wasn't much to grab at that point. And it dragged us into the story. And the next day, like the next Monday, we all went to school and there was no explaining to anyone how everything was different now.
Speaker 3:
[56:09] Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5:
[56:10] And then three weeks later, everybody was, you know, excited and we were like, but we knew before you did.
Speaker 2:
[56:16] Did you keep any of that stuff? Do you still have any of that stuff?
Speaker 5:
[56:17] I still have the button, yeah.
Speaker 2:
[56:18] The button is on. You still do, of course.
Speaker 5:
[56:20] The button is in my workroom on the pegboard still.
Speaker 2:
[56:23] That's amazing.
Speaker 3:
[56:23] Don't, Sean will hire somebody to come in.
Speaker 4:
[56:25] You shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 1:
[56:26] You had Sean at Pegboy.
Speaker 4:
[56:28] I have to, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
[56:30] Stephen, I'll clean your office for you tonight if you want. Wait, Stephen, go back to the Lord of the Rings just for two seconds. Then we gotta let you go.
Speaker 5:
[56:41] No problems here, baby. What do you want to know?
Speaker 2:
[56:42] I know, but like how often do you watch the movies?
Speaker 5:
[56:47] Oh, I mean, I love the movies. I've seen them many times. Again, I saw them, like I wrangled in any way I could to get tickets and whatever little Hollywood connections I had, but when those things came out, to get in before anybody could see them. Like I saw, like the Director's Guild preview screening across town here. And I've seen them many times, but I love Peter Jackson and Philippa, and Philippa Boynes and Fran Walsh.
Speaker 3:
[57:17] Jason, you ever seen it?
Speaker 1:
[57:18] Which?
Speaker 5:
[57:19] Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 3:
[57:20] Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1:
[57:21] I don't think I've seen any Lord of the Rings. No way.
Speaker 5:
[57:24] You're not you're not shitting me, right?
Speaker 1:
[57:26] You've not seen it. I bet I probably saw like the first one, but I haven't.
Speaker 3:
[57:31] Let's do it at your house, David.
Speaker 4:
[57:32] The Return of the King.
Speaker 1:
[57:33] I was just going to ask, what is considered between the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Star Trek, what is considered like the best?
Speaker 2:
[57:43] Well, they're all so different. The best what?
Speaker 5:
[57:46] Get to the get to the now.
Speaker 1:
[57:47] The best film. I mean, Empire Strikes Back, I guess, always.
Speaker 5:
[57:49] You mean in like science fiction or fantasy genre?
Speaker 1:
[57:52] Yeah, just like quality of film and like the effects.
Speaker 5:
[57:55] The Lord of the Rings, that trilogy is generally considered among the cognizant in this world to be the only perfect trilogy. It's perfectly executed.
Speaker 4:
[58:05] And how old are they?
Speaker 1:
[58:06] They're like 20 years old.
Speaker 5:
[58:08] This year is the 25th anniversary. I had Elijah Wood on last night. The 25th anniversary of the first film, The Fellowship.
Speaker 1:
[58:13] Oh right, I just read about that and he was embarrassed to say that he's yet to finish the books.
Speaker 5:
[58:17] He has not read the books yet. He's started the books.
Speaker 1:
[58:20] Yeah, that would be my story.
Speaker 3:
[58:22] I remember I saw those at the Burlington Mall, Burlington, Massachusetts.
Speaker 5:
[58:25] That's a great story.
Speaker 2:
[58:26] Do you like The Hobbit?
Speaker 5:
[58:27] Wait, no, I want to hear more about this story. Tell me about the Burlington Mall.
Speaker 3:
[58:30] Hang on, I'm just reading an email.
Speaker 5:
[58:33] But I'll tell you what I do do, and I realize I just said do do, is that I read the books constantly. I love the movies. I admire so much what they did with it, but I'm a book guy.
Speaker 3:
[58:46] Other than those, what kind of books are you into? What do you like to read?
Speaker 5:
[58:50] When I was younger, I was a huge Salinger fan. I mean, I used to read a book a day when I was younger, when I had the time, and it was all science fiction and fantasy, and then a lot of philosophy, a lot of religious texts, stuff like that, like comparative religion texts, Joseph Campbell, a lot of poetry. I love Galway Kinnell.
Speaker 3:
[59:19] Boy, I'm bummed that I asked that question. I mean, this is a serious man. Mary Oliver.
Speaker 5:
[59:24] Mary Oliver. Have you ever read any Mary Oliver?
Speaker 3:
[59:26] No, I'm much more sort of in fiction. I'm really into like noir and stuff like that, and I was going to say Len Dayton died yesterday, the great Len Dayton who wrote, I don't know if you guys are into any of that stuff. No? Okay.
Speaker 2:
[59:37] No. Well, big shout out.
Speaker 3:
[59:40] Stephen Colbert, let me just look at my notes here really quickly.
Speaker 1:
[59:44] Any questions for Stephen?
Speaker 3:
[59:47] Not a question.
Speaker 5:
[59:49] Is there a second question?
Speaker 3:
[59:50] No, there's not really a second question.
Speaker 2:
[59:53] For 300 guests, this is such a special thing. That's an hour, baby.
Speaker 5:
[59:59] That's an hour. That's a wrap.
Speaker 3:
[60:00] It's just fun to play. We just want to play with you more.
Speaker 5:
[60:04] I'll have more time in June.
Speaker 1:
[60:07] Yeah, we're going to close the seat for you.
Speaker 5:
[60:10] We'll be back every five years since I was on.
Speaker 3:
[60:12] Yeah, almost six years. Wow. You were on early. It's been almost six years.
Speaker 5:
[60:17] So please, let's see in six years. This has been so fun.
Speaker 2:
[60:20] But truly, Stephen, for such a special thing for our 300th episode, it's really, really cool.
Speaker 5:
[60:25] So I didn't know this was 300th. What an honor to be on such a milestone. Who did you have for 200? Who did you have for 200? Do you remember?
Speaker 3:
[60:33] The Pope. He answered us. We have the Pope.
Speaker 4:
[60:35] Francis.
Speaker 3:
[60:37] That was an incoming from him. I don't remember, but we knew, but it is true. It was a big deal. We wanted to have you and we went out of our way to make sure that you were our 300th guest and you're just a delight in everything you do. I'm a, as you know, I'm a fan. Not only are you a great guy, I'm such a fan of what you do. I've always kind of looked up to you. You're so funny and great, gracious and cool.
Speaker 5:
[61:04] Thanks you guys. Well, this was the reason why I came on, is that, you hadn't been on very long, but every one of these I heard, I thought that sounds like enormous fun to go on. And I underplayed how fun it is to talk to you guys. I admire what you guys have built. You finally found what you should be doing.
Speaker 3:
[61:26] Yeah.
Speaker 5:
[61:28] And I'm happy for you, you know. Just hold on to it tight, hold on to it tight. Don't take it for granted.
Speaker 3:
[61:33] We're gripping, we're gripping, we're gripping so tight. We are gripping so tight.
Speaker 5:
[61:38] And the listeners can feel it.
Speaker 2:
[61:40] Thanks, you guys.
Speaker 1:
[61:41] Have a great rest of your day.
Speaker 3:
[61:43] Thank you, pal.
Speaker 5:
[61:44] Bye.
Speaker 1:
[61:45] Bye, buddy. But I tell you, it's the talk show hosts, they never fail. Always the best guests.
Speaker 4:
[61:55] God, he's funny.
Speaker 3:
[61:56] I haven't laughed that hard in so long.
Speaker 2:
[61:59] I know. He is a funny man. It's just unbelievable.
Speaker 1:
[62:02] And it went by in three seconds.
Speaker 3:
[62:04] I know.
Speaker 2:
[62:05] I know. I could talk to him about Lord of the Rings for nine hours.
Speaker 4:
[62:08] I know you could, Angel.
Speaker 3:
[62:09] I know.
Speaker 2:
[62:10] It would be amazing.
Speaker 1:
[62:11] Hey, will you come over and show me one of those?
Speaker 4:
[62:14] Yes, please.
Speaker 2:
[62:15] I would love to do that.
Speaker 1:
[62:17] Now, but if I'm going to like see a Lord of the Rings film, a Harry Potter film, a Star Trek film, or a Star Wars film, like which would be like the greatest?
Speaker 3:
[62:27] You know, Star Trek, I don't think is in the same, you know, I'll do respect. I think that it's a different...
Speaker 2:
[62:32] Scottie is a huge Star Trek fan, but I'm not.
Speaker 1:
[62:35] So like which is like the best film? Right? I get they're all great movies, but like, is there like a real cinematic, like Harry Potter's got some incredible production design?
Speaker 3:
[62:45] Yeah, of course, of course. But I think that what you're looking for would be Lord of the Rings. Those movies are cinematically incredible.
Speaker 2:
[62:52] It's like they're like, they're like, you know, what's that big movie that Spielberg was inspired by? That super famous old, old, old movie that was sweeping. And Lawrence of Arabia. Yeah, Lawrence of Arabia. It's kind of like that. It's like scope and huge.
Speaker 3:
[63:07] Which it's really, I've heard that Sony's got an incredible 70 millimeter print of Lawrence of Arabia.
Speaker 2:
[63:15] Oh, really?
Speaker 3:
[63:16] Yeah. That we should bother them and go and ask Tom Rothman if we can go watch it.
Speaker 2:
[63:19] It's supposed to be amazing. Yeah, I've never seen it.
Speaker 3:
[63:20] It's supposed to be incredible.
Speaker 1:
[63:21] Well, let's go.
Speaker 3:
[63:22] I know.
Speaker 4:
[63:23] Let's go today.
Speaker 3:
[63:24] Let's go today. Guys, how insane that we've done 300 episodes. A lot of people say it feels like we've done 600. Yeah. And, and, yeah. But to have Stephen on really just so special. And I want to say I love doing this with you guys so much. This is such a joy.
Speaker 1:
[63:45] Back at you, buddy.
Speaker 3:
[63:46] It's never a, it's never a dull moment.
Speaker 2:
[63:49] Always so fun.
Speaker 1:
[63:50] Never hard.
Speaker 2:
[63:50] We're so lucky. And I'm just going to say that I'm going to piggyback on that and just say I love you guys. I'm so lucky. We're like family and brothers. And I just, I love you. Love you right back.
Speaker 3:
[64:02] I love both of you guys so much. So, so much. You're really important to me.
Speaker 1:
[64:04] Thank you for the gift of your friendship and this partnership.
Speaker 2:
[64:08] Likewise. Likewise. Well, with that, I think I've overstated my.
Speaker 3:
[64:13] I will say this. I will say this. We've found, we've made a great connection in this life. The three of us. And you know, you've been out there. Connections like these are really, really, really hard to come. Smart. SmartLess is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Bennett Barbico, Michael Grant Terry, and Rob Armjarff.
Speaker 4:
[65:01] SmartLess.